to be annoyed that the grocery shop was done without me

(50 Posts)
peacefuloptimist Wed 15-May-13 17:03:43

We do a big grocery shop fortnightly. Me and DH normally go together as I dont drive but occasionally he does it without me which he has done today. I have told him I dont like it when he does that. I am a SAHM so am normally the one doing the cooking and housework (though he does help at the weekend) so I am more aware of whats needed. He checks briefly the essentials but mostly he guesses at whats needed and always misses stuff out or buys things we dont need. Like today he has bought a load of snacks (think junk food) for himself but has forgotten my healthy snacks and veg for our ds purees. Also never buys cleaning products like washing up liquid. l have a suspicion that he deliberately doesnt bring me to save money as he spends less when Im not there. AIBU to be pissed off after I told him not to or am IBU to demand he doesnt go without me?

By the way, before anyone asks we used to do our shopping online but found we saved mm

CajaDeLaMemoria Wed 15-May-13 17:05:08

Why did he go on his own? Was it more convenient, or did he just disappear?

I'd just leave a list on the fridge or something, to be honest. That way, whoever goes can see what is definitely needed.

Fairylea Wed 15-May-13 17:05:54

Just stock up from your local supermarket? If he hasn't brought what you need then it's his fault you need to go.... can you keep a shopping list on top of the microwave or something to both write on so whoever goes takes it with them (this is what we do).

peacefuloptimist Wed 15-May-13 17:06:11

Sorry pressed send accidentally. we save more when we buy in person. I know online shop ping is popular on mumsnet

DiscoDonkey Wed 15-May-13 17:06:30

I hate it when dh does the food shopping he spends more money but come home with tesco value stuffing and other shit that's cheap and nasty.

Branleuse Wed 15-May-13 17:06:31

yabu. its not a big deal.

Mutt Wed 15-May-13 17:07:06

You "told" him not to"? You're going to "demand" he doesn't go without you?

Blimey. No wonder he goes by himself.

Learn to drive or shop online if you don't like what he buys.

Supermarket shopping isn't a two person job.

MammaTJ Wed 15-May-13 17:07:52

Of course he saves money when you are not there, he misses stuff. You would save money if he wasn't there, you would not buy the rubbish.

I agree with Fairylea, you need a list.

cantspel Wed 15-May-13 17:09:12

Just pick up a bottle of washing up liquid and some veg when you are passing your local shop. Hardly the end of the world if you have to carry a bottle of fairy home from spar.

noblegiraffe Wed 15-May-13 17:10:41

I hate my DH doing the grocery shop, we have a list, but he only ever gets exactly what's on the list. I like going off-piste and spotting nice stuff and bargains.

youaintallthat Wed 15-May-13 17:11:48

just shop online sounds like he was just trying to help....

Maybe he was trying to do a nice thing and save you having to do the shop? Honestly though, I'd be pissed off too. I also do almost all the cooking (DH cooks fajitas every other week!) and all the meal planning, and most of the cleaning. (He works more hours than I) so if he went shopping without my list, he'd end up having to go back, or I'd have to pop to the co-op locally and spend much more than we should need to.

I'd be tempted to give him a list of the things he's missed and ask him to go back. Does he know you'd rather do the shopping yourself? Have you asked him why he wants to do it alone?

LEMisdisappointed Wed 15-May-13 17:13:55

I feel your pain, i will not allow DP to do the shopping as he will spend too much money and we will STILL end up needing to supplement later in the week! I am very strict shopper as we are skint and he just has no idea - i dont drive either so we go as a family but he and DD are religated to the coffee shop so even with coffee for him and treats for her, we spend less money than if he does it. He isn't even allowed to walk round with me because he puts me off and puts shite in the trolley

thebody Wed 15-May-13 17:13:56

Plan A..Put a generic list onto his notes section on his phone.

Then there's no excuse.

For now go local and show him the price difference.

Plan B..kick in bollocks.

HollyBerryBush Wed 15-May-13 17:14:34

we save more when we buy in person

really? I go in for a pint of milk and come out 80 quid lighter sad

I save oodles online shopping because I only buy what I need.

McPrice Wed 15-May-13 17:15:21

magic beans
i dont let dh go food shopping he just buys crap andspemds twice what i would.

NotYoMomma Wed 15-May-13 17:15:22

When my dh goes to ASDA it is a highlight and he is always armed with a list of things I am needing

The odd time doesn't really matter does it?

And if you are so annoyed about it do it online

peacefuloptimist Wed 15-May-13 17:15:41

Because we do a big shop once every two weeks we have to take the car and we go to a big store. Also (and I know this is going to cause c ontroversy) we dont have a joint account (he transfers money to my account at the start of the month) So I need him there to do the food shop. I can buy the stuff I need from the local Store but then I will have to pay from my personaI money and not from the family money. He does reimburse whatever I buy with my own money which should come out of the family pot but I Feel like a cheapskate asking for £5 back.

If my dh 'demanded' anything from me his ass would be out the door so fast he wouldn't know what was going on.

Shop online, get the bus, go past the shop yourself, its really no big deal that he dared to venture to the supermarket without your express permission.

I hate food shopping when DP is with me. I can guarantee it costs twice as much.

Surely him having to drive you to tasks that only you can do is overkill?

I agree that he ought to be capable of doing a supermarket shop himself, but you equally ought to be able to get yourself around without him having to drive you.

shewhowines Wed 15-May-13 17:18:12

I don't mind DH doing a top up shop with a list but I must admit i would get frustrated in this instance. The main person who cooks needs to do the main shopping. I cook some meals using whatever "bargains" I have brought. I know what i need to get for meals I have planned. i couldn't be doing with remembering to put on the list every single little thing.

Does he know he's missing stuff? I wouldn't be fed up if it was an honest mistake, but I don't understand the point if he constantly misses essentials - what happens when you get to washing up and there's no liquid?

Do you not have a local corner shop in walking distance? Or does he not realize that the price is probably higher there so a false economy?

I wouldn't be 'demanding' anything right now, I'd just be asking him did he know he'd only done half the job and if not, no worries, but you both need to go and do it properly now.

I just don't follow what you think he stands to gain by not buying essentials.

You have bigger issues then than just the food shop.

Why can't he transfer you over enough to do the shopping with? Even if you don't want joint finances?

OddBoots Wed 15-May-13 17:19:02

Have you asked him if you could both go back to the shop together for the things he has forgotten?

CAF275 Wed 15-May-13 17:29:40

really? I go in for a pint of milk and come out 80 quid lighter

Not just me then? grin

Yes, it's annoying when they do things like this, but really not important in the grand scheme of things. My DH has made a complete arse of grocery shopping on the extremely rare occasions he's done it by himself. And I'd rather stick pins in my eyes than take him with me tbh. Absolutely no point complaining as he he will (quite rightly) take it as criticism and be reluctant to ever do it again.

Lighten up, and consider how you would react if he criticised you before bringing it up with him.

Nehru Wed 15-May-13 17:30:31

Learn to drive fgs. Escape this drudgery

Bobyan Wed 15-May-13 17:31:21

Learn to drive and get a joint account.

You sound like a 1950's throwback.

awkwardsis Wed 15-May-13 17:34:52

I see 'learn to drive' thrown around so much on MN. Does anyone appreciate just how much that costs these days? I'd love to learn to drive, as I'm sure the op would. Unfortunately my gardening skills don't stretch to a money tree

thebody Wed 15-May-13 17:36:20

Read your responses.

Think he's controlling you by not buying these essentials. My dad would do this, give mom her 'housekeeping' money with £20 short as 'a joke' then she had to beg for the rest...

That was 1974!!!

He is making you ask for things and that's demeaning.

Learn to drive and insist on joint finances.

Nehru Wed 15-May-13 17:37:18

Op has an h who can teach her

peacefuloptimist Wed 15-May-13 17:37:57

I didn't say I don't know how to drive I said I don't drive. grin Basically I passed my test last year but we didn't get a car until much later and Im too scared I need refresher lessons as Im not confident to drive on the busy roads around my house. blush

Thanks for giving me some perspective by the way everyone. I genuinely wasn't sure if he was being an annoying or I was. Apologies also for the duplicate thread.

With regards to the shopping list I have written lists on occasion for him to take when I cant be asked to go. However he again buys the essentials but misses out specific things I ask for if he cant find them e.g. bleach, seasoning. Also as someone said earlier I cant always remember every tiny thing I need to cook the meals I plan to for the week its much easier to free style whilst Im there and pick up some things as I see them.

We don't actually know that, nehru. Bit of an assumption. Have you checked the price of insuring someone lately? Or noticed that you have to have driven yourself a certain number of years before you can instruct someone?

I think it's fair enough to suggest the OP might consider learning to drive, but it's a bit harsh to assume it's an automatic failing that she hasn't done so.

She might also have reasons why she can't.

Gah, cross post.

Catbiscuit Wed 15-May-13 17:39:56

I'd say, 'thanks for doing the shop to save me time, I should have made a list though as I've realised we are really short on lots of essentials, do you want me to do you a list now or shall we go together and get the rest?'
Then have a running list stuck on the fridge so that whoever does the next shop, gets the right stuff!!

You should practice driving early in the morning or late at night when it's quieter. And stop being such a sap. <manly punch on the arm> otherwise, all those lessons to pass were a waste of time.

peacefuloptimist Wed 15-May-13 17:47:35

Sorry I think I might have given the wrong impression. He does get essentials when he does the weekly shop in terms of food essentials like bread, milk, basic fruit and veg, and things that he guesses I would want etc. However he doesn't get specific things that I buy less often (e.g. oil, washing up powder etc) or that only I use (e.g. healthy snacks). As we do our week once a fortnight I sometimes have to wait 2 weeks to get something that I want from that particular store unless I pester him enough to go back. Today he has bought a load of jars of baby food for ds which he has guessed we would need (which is right) but he has picked up stuff that I know ds wont eat because he doesn't like those flavours. Does that make sense? Reading this back I know I am being a bit precious but it just creates more hassle for me for him to do it on his own.

theoriginalandbestrookie Wed 15-May-13 17:47:44

I don't much like DH doing a shop. He will come back with 5 separate portions of fish and a bag of potatoes and go - Look I have bought dinner for the week.

However I'm in the position where we have a joint current account and I drive so I usually nip into Tescos on my way home from work.

I can see why your DH might not want to have to do joint trips to the supermarket, I refuse to go to supermarkets with DH, it's just not a two person job, and I can see why he might be a bit annoyed that you have passed your test, but it still appears to be a two person job.

However I don't like the way you have to ask for money for essentials OP. It doesn't seem right. In your position I'd prefer to do an online shop even if it cost me a little more as at least you would get what you needed.

Saski Wed 15-May-13 17:55:01

I started my grocery shopping online last summer and I cannot understand why I didn't do it before. It's like pulling two free hours out of thin air, and you can work on your grocery list all week long as things pop into your head.

I would never leave the grocery shopping to my husband, I am a control freak about anything related to our kitchen or house.

DontmindifIdo Wed 15-May-13 17:55:54

We have a list that everything we run out of goes on the list - oil, cleaning products etc.

i'd send him back with a list of the things he's forgotten.

Do you need paid for refresher lessons? I lost my licence shortly after getting it due to medical reasons and didn't get it back for 2 years, when I did, I didn't get refresher lessons, I just sat with my dad in the passanger seat, starting with quiet roads and bit by bit getting brave enough to do the busy roads. Could you not go out with your DH for a few trips to get used to it again and get in the habit when you go shopping together you drive either there or back with him so you have someone there for security until you feel better. But make yourself do it. honestly, it'll make poping to the shops when you need something far easier.

(And look again at shopping on line - I found we saved a fortune because we didn't buy snacks, we properly meal planned with recipe books open in front of us, popped back to the kitchen to check we didn't have XYZ rather than just add it to the basket just in case we didn't have enough etc)

Nehru Wed 15-May-13 17:57:30

Do online shopping like this
Set a budget. If your baskets over them delete

I reckon he's told you he doesn't like online so you dont get yrhands on your shared money.

dingit Wed 15-May-13 18:03:24

I was like you, and stopped driving. I then had just 3 refresher lessons, then drove halfway to Cornwall ( once we hit the A roads) As the DC have got older, I am so glad I did.

That said, my car is out of action this week, and DH did the shopping. If I had known in time, I would have definitely done it online. As the others said, you can delete items to stay in budget, and all the offers are there! We are having some very strange menus this week!

peacefuloptimist Wed 15-May-13 18:05:20

Before we got the car we exclusively used online shopping but when we got the car we preferred to go to a local
supermarket that is super cheap and I dont think does online Shopping. we buy more but spend less. I have been a bit short tempered with my dh since ds was born and I stopped working. I just dont have patience with him doing stuff badly anymore.

HoneyStepMummy Wed 15-May-13 19:08:49

The problem isn't that you don't drive confused. Despite me driving and having several bank accounts my husband does this to me. We do a plan Aldi shop every two weeks that I plan very carefully. When he goes shopping by himself he'll "forget" to get some of the things I put on the list or "can't find them". He can certainly find the chocolate covered expresso beans...
I don't enjoy grocery shopping and know and appreciate that my husband's trying to help me. It's still really irritating and ends up costing us more money and me more time...

LaundryLegoLunch Wed 15-May-13 19:12:28

Buy this pad . Seriously, it has transformed my shopping and it means if DH does the shopping he doesn't miss anything. It's an American list so has some oddities on it but you get used to it. Buy it!!

DH does all the food shopping and is ace at it. He cooks it though.
I'm the one going round shoving crap in the trolley and he says not one word in protest, in fact he encourages me.

intheshed Wed 15-May-13 19:27:02

2 things:

1.book yourself some refresher lessons
2.get a joint account

How some couples have separate accounts when they have DC is beyond me. You are a FAMILY.

morethanpotatoprints Wed 15-May-13 19:34:52

My dh does most of the supermarket shopping and we usually agree on what to get.
If you leave a list out and every time you use something up add it to the list you can't go wrong. Then add all the things you anticipate running out of before the shop after that and add these. Bingo, he'll never get it wrong again

Ruffello Wed 15-May-13 19:43:37

My DH and I alternate our weekly shops, mainly because I work nights every other week. It's a system that works well for us, but we both have very different ideas of what are the weekly essentials. I tend to stock up on cleaning products and store cupboard/fridge essentials like flour, sugar, butter, onions, garlic, herbs etc on my weeks, whereas on his week we get lots of biscuits and yogurts! Needless to say, his bill is usually considerably less than mine.

CoffeeChocolateWine Thu 16-May-13 12:27:20

A bit annoying, yes, but it's not a big deal really is it? Is there a small local shop nearby where you can top up on the stuff he hasn't got?

My DH does the same. If he does the shopping he'll get stuff for us but forgets that we have 2 DC to provide for as well and doesn't buy anything that they would eat!

And along the same vein...last night my DH did the cooking and did spicy chicken fajitas. We're enjoying our meal and I comment on how much there is. "How much of the (family pack of) chicken did you use?" I ask. "I did all of it cos I didn't think we'd use it otherwise. I figured we could freeze what we don't eat and you can have it when I'm out next week." "Well actually hon, I was planning to use it to feed our DC!! You know, the short, cute ones who want food ocassionally!"

I know his heart was in the right place but now I have no chicken and have to go to the shops again! It's not the first time this has happened, but I don't get pissed off about it...I find it quite funny in an amused isn't-he-hopeless kind of way!

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