To think this is not normal?

(169 Posts)
TacticalWheelbarrow Wed 15-May-13 16:07:30

My step sister (but we are very close) has been in a relationship with a guy for three years now. They have been living together for 2. Her DP lived a fair bit away but only a 45 minute train journey, he moved away to live with her.

In those three years she has never met any of her DP's friends or family. He goes home to visit his family regularly for a weekend but never offers to take her. He also goes down there for Christmas, New Year and Easter but yet again never gives her an invite. When he is with his family he never picks up the phone to my sister and will call her back a few hours later.

My step sister has asked to meet his family but he always says no and gets very defensive. Apparently his family is wierd?
It's all really dodgy, when someone from back home calls him he takes the phone call and if step sister or anyone is in the room he walks away and has the phonecall in the bathroom out of earshot.
He never talks about his family and if step sister or her family and friends ask him about them he becomes very guarded.

He is 6 years older that my sister if that means anything.

Is my sister and I right in thinking this is bloomin weird?

TacticalWheelbarrow Wed 15-May-13 16:08:36

They met on the Internet btw

Squitten Wed 15-May-13 16:08:52

I would think it was really weird!

In fact, I'd be very concerned that he was hiding something very important. Like a whole other family or kids...

Spero Wed 15-May-13 16:10:03

Not normal. Weird. If you had genuine reasons not to want to mix with your family, you would talk about it. Only thing I can think of is he has another woman and your friend is being kept secret.

Omnishambolic Wed 15-May-13 16:10:38

blooming so.

assuming no mystery wife/etc, would think it's time for a serious talk about what if any future they have, because doesn't sound like he sees this as forever.

TidyDancer Wed 15-May-13 16:10:47

Yanbu, and I would be extremely suspicious that there was a specific reason for the weirdness.

I suspect Squitten may be right, that there is another woman involved,

Floggingmolly Wed 15-May-13 16:10:56

His "family" almost certainly consist of a wife and kids.
Why would anyone put up with this?

TacticalWheelbarrow Wed 15-May-13 16:10:59

That's whit I think squitten although would never say that to my sister. I feel bad for thinking it because he is a really nice guy but its just this little kook he has.

Dawndonna Wed 15-May-13 16:11:08

This happened to a friend of me. It went on for fifteen years. She had two dc with him. He was married with two dc elsewhere too.

Spero Wed 15-May-13 16:11:58

Just re read your op. given the frequency of his visits, my money is on another woman and children. He probably tells them he is a lorry driver or in the SAS.

Sorry but. Think this is bad news. She should insist on meeting his family, if he refuses, she should end it.

TacticalWheelbarrow Wed 15-May-13 16:12:16

But the thing is if he did have a secret family it can't be possible, he goes home 2 weekends of a month on average, not including bank holidays and the like.

Spero Wed 15-May-13 16:13:41

Why does that meanits not possible? Sounds perfectly possible to me. He goes back for all significant holidays and won't answer the phone to her? Come on.

AmberSocks Wed 15-May-13 16:13:52

i think she should follow him one of the times and see where it is hes going!with a disguise and everything!tell her to do it and report back to us!

Squitten Wed 15-May-13 16:14:01

Does he "work away" or have any other excuse for disappearing for long periods?

TacticalWheelbarrow Wed 15-May-13 16:14:54

spero she has demanded and threatened to leave and he has argued hthat what does his family have to do with their relationship. She really loves him and I can't stress enough how much of a good guy he is. I feel I can say that because we have no concrete proof at the moment.

LEMisdisappointed Wed 15-May-13 16:14:58

I didn't meet my DP's parents for 4 years!! Although i had spoken to them on the phone. He also wasn't living with me - again, long distance, well hours journey away. We have been together 20 years now.

quesadilla Wed 15-May-13 16:15:20

It does sound fishy. If he were just embarrassed of them or they were dysfunctional I would expect him to at least talk about them with her. Another woman would explain that.

TacticalWheelbarrow Wed 15-May-13 16:15:46

No he works at the local job centre as an advisor.

Squitten Wed 15-May-13 16:16:04

x-post!

It can indeed be possible. Any wife/GF might think he's working abroad.

Is there any way she could get hold of his Mum's phone number and try calling her?

He goes home every holiday and EOW? Sounds like he has secret kids to me...

ENormaSnob Wed 15-May-13 16:17:32

I'll show my arse if he's not married.

Sorry forgot to add, not sure why he's hiding them though.

Spero Wed 15-May-13 16:17:46

Er because they are his family? Because he spends time with them? Because he should see her as is family too? Because he should be proud of her and talking about her? Because they should be keen to meet her to see who this great gal is that he is so in love with? Because it matters to her and she is upset?

He is emphatically NOT a great guy or he wouldn't treat her like this. She needs to find her self esteem and get rid of him.

wannaBe Wed 15-May-13 16:19:09

I would say almost certainly living a double life. What does she know about him. Does he have a job? what does he do and where? etc. IMO it's not something he's likely to just disclose even if they have a chat and she gives him an ultimatum, so I would suggest that she thinks seriously about what it is she wants from this relationship. Something as serious as this I might even be inclined to hire something like a private investigator to find out more about him. And I am usually of the "if you need to go to those lengths then the relationship is over anyway" persuasion, but something as serious as this I would want to know. And if there were a wife and family out there I would want them to know so they were aware I wasn't implicated iyswim.

Spero Wed 15-May-13 16:19:22

I will have a picture of George Osbourne tattooed on my arse if this man is genuine.

FJL203 Wed 15-May-13 16:20:13

Two weekends a month? It sounds like he has an access arrangement to see his children.

That or he's still with another woman.

Mind you, in a way I can see the man's point. I would be loathe to allow some poor innocent partner meet my bloody family too!

WhyIRayLiotta Wed 15-May-13 16:20:23

Is there any cultural / religious difference between them? Is it possible that his family might not approve of your sister?

FJL203 Wed 15-May-13 16:21:22

Spero, I'm taking a screenshot of that promise and keeping you to it if the man is genuine. grin

wannaBe Wed 15-May-13 16:22:27

the "family are weird" line doesn't fit with the fact he visits them every other weekend and important holidays. If he was that ashamed of his family, soo ashamed he didn't want his partner to meet them, then he wouldn't be in such regular contact with them.

TacticalWheelbarrow Wed 15-May-13 16:22:35

No cultural differences. Gosh I feel sick sad. I'm going to have to have a word with my sister.

noseymcposey Wed 15-May-13 16:23:37

Have you done any internet detective work on him? I'm going to guess he's not on facebook. If you look for him on 192.com, if listed you can see who else is at the address. In fact a straightforward google of his name and the place where his parents live might throw something up?

Spero Wed 15-May-13 16:24:06

Haha, so confident am I, I will have Cameron on the other cheek.

Sorry, not really a laughing matter. Why do so many women accept so little from their relationships? He is just brushing off her perfectly reasonable unhappiness with the situation. Of course you want to meet your partner's family, you hope that they will be your family too. And unless his dad is Nigel Farrage or an axe murderer there are no reasonable arguments against at least some infrequent meetings.

TacticalWheelbarrow Wed 15-May-13 16:24:30

I actually have a good idea (I think), you know that 192 website where you can put in someone's name and the current and previous addresses come up for the individual if they were on the electoral roll? Well maybe I can put in his name and have a look, or is this overstepping the mark?

My ex was like this. Turns out he had an OW - but I had inadvertently been turned into the OW. Perhaps that's what he has done to someone back where he is from.

My ex used 'working away' as an excuse to be away from me a lot.

TacticalWheelbarrow Wed 15-May-13 16:24:58

X posts with nosey

noseymcposey Wed 15-May-13 16:25:10

I would try to get some more information before you speak to her!
Does he live with your sister? Is he on the electoral roll at their house? i.e. has she ever known him to vote?

Squitten Wed 15-May-13 16:25:18

Do it!

He is telling his wife and family that he is working away and can only visit holidays, Christmas and every other weekend.

I would also query whether the job in dole office is his only job or whether he has got another source of income to support two families.

And sorry to ask, but is he a foreign national who has taken British citizenship? I only ask this because I know of one woman who has had two similar relationships. The first proved to be an illegal immigrant living a double life, the second had another wife and family in a different city, but he regarded it as okay because one wife was only an Islamic wedding, not a legal wedding.

I second the idea of phoning his mum. The complete secrecy is very surreal.

noseymcposey Wed 15-May-13 16:26:25

not overstepping the mark at all, I think it's sensible to get as much info as you can before breathing a word to anyone in RL

TacticalWheelbarrow Wed 15-May-13 16:26:31

Do I have to register and pay? I'm very worried I may fall out with my sister if I do find something and tell her and she chooses to be oblivious.

Onetwothreeoops Wed 15-May-13 16:26:41

It wouldn't be too difficult to do a few online searches on his name and home town. I would start with the electoral register myself which is public information.

I'm sure a lot of people would frown upon "snooping" on him but it doesn't sound likely that he would volunteer the truth.

FJL203 Wed 15-May-13 16:26:48

I'm not normally of this persuasion at all but I'd just have to know. I may not even care or do anything about it once I'd found out but curiosity would get the better of me. I'd be searching for him on Facebook to see who his friends are, looking at his income tax paperwork to see if he had a married man's tax code, looking up his old address on 192 to see if a wife was registered there, the works!

elliejjtiny Wed 15-May-13 16:26:52

Either he has another woman/kids somewhere or his parents are naturists/members of a cult/extremely toxic

TacticalWheelbarrow Wed 15-May-13 16:27:18

No he is british

For what it's worth my mother did the digging and outed him - I wish someone had done it sooner for me then I wouldn't have wasted over three years. None so blind as those who won't see and all that...

Go ahead re the 192. Find out for her and do her a favour.

noseymcposey Wed 15-May-13 16:27:38

is he on anykind of social media at all? I know that isn't conclusive of anything but if he is, then it is certainly easier to verify that he doesn't have a family somewhere!

TacticalWheelbarrow Wed 15-May-13 16:28:24

onetwo would you link me to the place where I can search that please?

OnTheNingNangNong Wed 15-May-13 16:29:02

You can get some info for free, you can get credits if there's anything interesting that comes up.

TacticalWheelbarrow Wed 15-May-13 16:29:14

patience sorry to hear you had a crap time sad

noseymcposey Wed 15-May-13 16:30:24

if you just do it in google it usually brings up the 192.com pages.

do the google bit first and see how you go?

FJL203 Wed 15-May-13 16:30:27

I went out with a man a few years back who told me he was divorced and that he was working on electric substations, hence he travelled the country.

Something just didn't feel right so I checked 192 using his name and the small village which he'd said his house was located in. Sure enough, there they were. Mr John XXXX and Mrs Carol XXXX.

He got the shock of his life when I calmly told him what I knew! grin

TacticalWheelbarrow Wed 15-May-13 16:30:38

I've been waiting to find out about this for so long I'm actually shaking with adrenaline. My husband will go mad if he finds out I've been snooping in their business because he doesn't want us involved in it.

Onetwothreeoops Wed 15-May-13 16:31:15

Just use 192.com you would need to pay for the complete address but if you put in a name and town it may give you enough information regarding other residents and an age range to narrow it down.

TacticalWheelbarrow Wed 15-May-13 16:32:45

Ok I'm going to get the laptop and do a search quickly before DH gets home. I won't be able to post for a while as I don't use laptop to MN incase DH finds out my username. But I will come back after I've given the kids their dinner at 5! Thank you all for your help

Squitten Wed 15-May-13 16:32:48

Just look at 192.com and see what they show. I just searched for myself and they give you the name, postcode, I can see that my husband lives there too. Age is bloody wrong though - cheeky feckers!

StuntGirl Wed 15-May-13 16:33:26

I agree it sounds suspicious and if it were me I'd be checking it out myself.

Omnishambolic Wed 15-May-13 16:34:07

How old is he or does he have an unusual name, do you know whereabouts in country he goes at weekends? I have Ancestry.co.uk membership and can see if there is any interesting births/marriages/deaths pre 2005. PM if you want me to search.

AnAirOfHope Wed 15-May-13 16:34:30

I would look on internet.

What does he say about his family?

StuntGirl Wed 15-May-13 16:35:13

Squitten grin

Nancy66 Wed 15-May-13 16:35:26

When someone is acting like they have something to hide....they usually do.

Years ago I dated a man who was also very secretive and never introduced me to friends or family after more than a year together. I suspected he had someone else. He told me I was: mad, jealous, paranoid etc etc.

Guess what? Girlfriend and a kid.

GiveMumABreak Wed 15-May-13 16:38:51

He has another family - I agree with, but will not be joining spero in getting arse tattooed wink - she needs to get rid of him!

schoolgovernor Wed 15-May-13 16:39:05

He works away from home and goes home at weekends don't you think?

Yeah,what they said.....

not marking place,oh no,not me

schoolgovernor Wed 15-May-13 16:39:45

Sorry, for some reason I didn't see pages 2 + 3. blush

Thanks Tactical. It all turned out well in the end; I got rid of a lying cheat and now have a lovely DP.

Hope you get sorted.

quesadilla Wed 15-May-13 16:48:27

Spero can we have that in writing?

Spero Wed 15-May-13 16:55:49

But of course. I can probably fit Boris Johnson in too, my arse is reasonably capacious.

But something tells me I won't be facing the needle anytime soon.

Spero grin

Nancy66 Wed 15-May-13 16:58:32

...what about Eric Pickles?

grin not sure if I want the op to come back and say Spero is right, I think her butt getting tattooed might make for a good thread grin

Spero Wed 15-May-13 17:00:29

nancy66 that is really rude

My arse is not that big.

wannabestressfree Wed 15-May-13 17:01:45

It can be possible. He could be a compulsive liar and say he has a job elsewhere. What about looking at banking history?

shewhowines Wed 15-May-13 17:02:50

I know two cases where there was another family. It's not that uncommon.

idococktailshedoesbeer Wed 15-May-13 17:04:10

Well it's clear he doesn't want his family (most probably his wife) to know she exists. But it sounds like she's burying her head in the sand and doesn't actually want to know the answer to me.

How does he feel about her putting pictures of them both on Facebook and Twitter? Does he even have social networking accounts?

Theselittlelightsofmine Wed 15-May-13 17:13:35

He's already married?

MummytoKatie Wed 15-May-13 17:24:36

I'd say kids and access weekends from the timings rather than actually married / girlfriend.

Although it wouldn't surprise me in the slightest if he is still bonking his ex....

MikeOxard Wed 15-May-13 17:33:44

I'll actually DO George Osbourne <shudders> if this bloke doesn't have kids and/or another girlfriend. sad

Mumsyblouse Wed 15-May-13 17:36:55

He can't be a 'good guy' if he is hiding something, and it is not true that his family are nothing to do with her, at the very least if they stay together then they will be part of her life in the future. it is not normal to go into another room and hide when you get a phone-call. This lack of openness and secretive behaviour is a large red flag he's up to something, I just can't get how your step sister and you think he's ace when the plain facts are he's very secretive and odd.

Mumsyblouse Wed 15-May-13 17:38:31

And- I had a friend who had a boyfriend who only gave her his mobile number, not land-line, of course it turned out he had a completely separate life. This is not rocket science.

DrHolmes Wed 15-May-13 17:40:36

Agree with others, secret life!

whatsleep Wed 15-May-13 17:40:58

The 192 thing will only work if he has been truthful about his name..... hmm

SoggySummer Wed 15-May-13 17:49:45

He sounds like he has something to hide. Another woman and family springs to my mind too.

I am probably too late now as you may have already looked him up on 192 but there was a thread on here a while back saying that it now has a facility to see who has looked you up - so do not use your usual email or rl name to search him. If you already have - dont panic because unless he is also a registered user of 192 he wont be using the site to know.

Does he have all his normal paperwork etc posted to the house he lives in with your sister?? bank statements, bills, opticians, car tax reminders etc - or does all that still go to his "parents" (aka - his other family home)???

Is he on FB??? Although he could be under different names for different wives. Is his friends list visible?? Are any of his weird family on his friends list??

What do any of you know about his "weird" family??? What makes them wierd? where are they supposed to live?? which town?? what does he do with his wierd family when he visits??? Surely him and his sister must have some level of conversation when he returns home after a visit about what he did there?? Do they stay in all weekend and never leave the house? Do they go to the pub? park? what????

TBH - I am a nosey bugger and would be concerned about my sister wasting years of her life with a ptential fraud. I would be following him one weekend myself to see where he goes and get clues from that. I would probably go with a well trusted mate - so he didnt recognise "my" car. Where he goes? addresses? etc would give you more to search.

Not sure how loaded you are - but it would be easier to hire a private detective but thats maybe going too far in real life.

MadamFolly Wed 15-May-13 17:56:49

Deffo something to hide.

shewhowines Wed 15-May-13 17:57:59

I would have to find out one way or another - your sister needs to know. She needed to know a few years ago actually.

Spero Wed 15-May-13 18:03:51

Dammit Mike I can't top that.

But I think it is pretty clear how much we think we won't be at risk of tattoos or really unfortunate sexual encounters.

FerrisBueller1972 Wed 15-May-13 18:07:50

Is he my ex? Sounds very familiar,never met a friend or member of his family until I was pregnant with their first Grandchild, (a week before giving birth) and they were all over me like a rash, too much.

He then disappeared when ds was 2, never heard from any of them again.. He was an only child, so no siblings to contact.

I really wish I had listened to my gut!

Lioninthesun Wed 15-May-13 18:10:28

Sounds like my ex too! Never met any of his friends, am now not sure he had any, but he had lots to hide.

Can she get a private detective? She sounds as though she wants to know, even if she thinks he is great etc etc.

Tigresswoods Wed 15-May-13 18:14:25

Completely normal. Everyone does this.

In bizarro world!!!!!

fuzzpig Wed 15-May-13 18:19:45

I'd say kids and access weekends from the timings rather than actually married / girlfriend. Although it wouldn't surprise me in the slightest if he is still bonking his ex....

I agree.

Also good point about Facebook etc that could give you a good clue. Does he or your sister have FB? He may have set up a separate account for each woman/family sad

munchkinmaster Wed 15-May-13 18:22:22

My guess is acess to kids, maybe at his parents. But if so why lie. Any ideas op? Is your sister very religious so would frown on divorce (clutching at straws). Is he odd in other ways as if he has chosen to hide some kids I think that's odd logic and would be part of a wider picture of strange judgements.

If he is in a relationship - some ways that is easier to comprehend.

Giving him the benefit of the doubt maybe his parents have social, addiction, mental health problems and he (wrongly) is ashamed of this. But then you'd expect phone calls in between and crises now and again ....

AnAirOfHope Wed 15-May-13 18:24:07

Where do people get the energy from to have two families?

And the money?

Mumsyblouse Wed 15-May-13 18:26:11

Giving him the benefit of the doubt maybe his parents have social, addiction, mental health problems and he (wrongly) is ashamed of this. But then you'd expect phone calls in between and crises now and again ....

But- why not just turn to the person you are supposed to love and who will support you and say 'my family are all very odd/addicted/embarrassing' and only introduce her to the non-odd/addicted/embarrassing ones?

For whatever reason, he doesn't want your step sister to be seen/see his family or friends and there can only be a bad reason for this, even if it is boring (he doesn't see her as a long-term prospect) rather than salacious (double-life).

Undertone Wed 15-May-13 18:30:15

Dying to know what the outcome is!

munchkinmaster Wed 15-May-13 18:31:04

Not saying the addiction angle is wise or normal either. Just puting another idea out there before we go all poirot on him.

idococktailshedoesbeer Wed 15-May-13 18:32:05

But his weird family line doesn't add up, because it's not just that he won't let her meet them, he's hiding her existence to them by not answering her calls when he's with family and going out of the room to answer their calls when he's with her. Complete dodgepot.

Spero Wed 15-May-13 18:34:09

The problem is, as others are saying, that no matter what the difficulty or weirdness going on, he won't include her. This is a bad sign full stop. You cannot be in a mature and healthy relationship with someone who ring fences a hugely significant part of their life then refuses to discuss it.

He is not a 'great guy' and it is really sad that you both think he is.

lunar1 Wed 15-May-13 18:34:27

I hope you have an answer op, it really sounds like your dsis has ended up being an ow.

lljkk Wed 15-May-13 18:35:33

(only blatently marking place desperate for update)

What about his wage? Do they have a joint account? Can she access his account?

fuzzpig Wed 15-May-13 18:41:27

Yes good point about money - does she even know what she earns? Does he contribute in the relationship or is he a (part time) cocklodger

Jemma1111 Wed 15-May-13 18:41:43

If I were your sister I would have at the very least gone through his phone when I had the chance .

Definitely something dodgy going on , update us when you can !

Livvylongpants Wed 15-May-13 18:46:28

Shamelessly marking my place to see what happens. Sounds odd

Maybe his family is just properly crazy. He may be completely mortified of them and believe she'd run a mile if she met them.

Dps family is that sort of crazy and I could easily imagine him keeping a partner away from them out of sheer embarrassment...

It could just be a habit he's gotten into and he's just not sure how to break it

Or he could be a raving loon himself with another family on the go

MoodyDidIt Wed 15-May-13 19:00:54

he has SO got another family

or at the very least another woman

keep us updated op

Lambzig Wed 15-May-13 19:15:32

Really can't see a good outcome for this OP, are you sure you want to find out as then it will be your burden to tell or keep quiet. I don't envy you.

OTTMummA Wed 15-May-13 19:26:59

Hate to break it to you but my step dad had another woman and whole other social life he kept hidden for 14yrs.
I can't even understand how he did it as he hardly ever went away and had a ft job, so it is definately possible he had another life considering the time apart.

TacticalWheelbarrow Wed 15-May-13 19:38:26

Ok I went on 192 and am a bit confused he is registered at an address in his hometown years ago, I've done the maths and it was when he turned 18- possibly when he first went on the electoral roll?

There are 2 older people (presumably parents), a man and a woman ( siblings?)

No trace of him after this but all other members of household still on there I think.

Can't find any trace of him.

He does have facebook but only 23 friends, which include my sister and her family and a couple of bloke mates from back home. I tried to look at his friends profiles but they are quite private. No wall posts from his mates back home just a few status comments and likes. He only has about 12 pictures on the account.

TacticalWheelbarrow Wed 15-May-13 19:40:28

Also no trace of birth records or marriage records. What can I do now for further digging?

TacticalWheelbarrow Wed 15-May-13 19:42:42

Fuck! It's so hard to find anything because he has a common name. He has however mentioned before that his family's surname used to be Irish (e.g, O'Leary) and they dropped the O'

Maybe worth looking him up under the previous O' surname no?

fuzzpig Wed 15-May-13 19:44:05

Would hazard a guess it's a fake FB account. Well, a duplicate he has made for the benefit of your sister.

Bearbehind Wed 15-May-13 19:46:03

It really does sound like he has another life somewhere. It amazes me how little some women expect from a relationship so the OW might well completely accept his every other weekend and holiday only presence.

I wouldn't bother with checking the married man's tax code as suggested up thread though, it only applies to people born before 1935 and I'm guessing if he has the energy for 2 lives he is under 78 grin

Nux Wed 15-May-13 19:46:47

Someone upthread suggested using ancestry.com which has details of marriages, census records etc - she suggested to PM her - worth a try?

quoteunquote Wed 15-May-13 20:04:40

well there is always a way of finding out where he is going,

He may be from a Plymouth brethren family or similar, and once he comes out with his relationship, he will be shunned.

If she has committed so much time to the relationship, she really should find out what is going on, before she commits any more.

Is she sure he is using his real name?

noseymcposey Wed 15-May-13 20:13:09

is he friends with any of his family on facebook? If not, then very strange. Next thing I would try is looking up his possible brother/sister on facebook... maybe their settings are not so secure?

noseymcposey Wed 15-May-13 20:14:33

I think even if you aren't friends with someone you can see their friends list? Might prove interesting?

OnTheNingNangNong Wed 15-May-13 20:17:01

Are there any Fb profiles of a similar name/location? Have his parents remarried?

This does sound suspect. What about googling his full name and hometown?

flamingtoaster Wed 15-May-13 20:32:16

You could try doing a Google Image search if you have a photograph of him. It's described here http://websearch.about.com/od/peoplesearch/tp/googlepeoplesearch.htm

DontMeanToBeRudeBut Wed 15-May-13 21:07:08

This is very weird and will not turn out well. I'm not doing any forfeits if he turns out to be a harmless weirdo who goes off fishing or something though grin

TacticalWheelbarrow Wed 15-May-13 21:14:15

Wow it's like I'm talking to MI5 grin

TacticalWheelbarrow Wed 15-May-13 21:15:21

Have had a message from a kind mumsnetter to do a search for me, I'm going to find out what she can find and then ask for her help

i'd be soooo tempted to follow him when he goes home.

some espionage is definitely required here.

SoftKittyWarmKitty Wed 15-May-13 21:22:08

Can you/your sister afford a private detective? Sorry but this is weird - this guy definitely has anther life elsewhere. His behviour practically screams this. My ex was living a double life and at the time I never knew but looking back now, the signs were all there. This is so similar. Will she listen if you talk it through?

SoftKittyWarmKitty Wed 15-May-13 21:26:09

I turned PI on my ex, OP. I found out who he was seeing, where she worked (with him hmm), her age, phone no etc, and this was before the days of FB etc. I'm quite a good researcher, so give me a shout if you need any help. BTW, if anyone's wondering what I did with all that info, it was nothing. Well, except confront it with the truth, that is.

BlackMaryJanes Wed 15-May-13 21:59:49

Goodness me. What an interesting thread. I'm on tender hooks!

AnAirOfHope Wed 15-May-13 22:56:12

Shamlessly waiting for an update grin

pastmyprime Wed 15-May-13 23:33:38

There is always the possibility he's just embarrassed by his family. Maybe there are mental health problems. Or in prison. Or something else that he himself has a real problem dealing with and admitting to.

Of course big chance he's also a duplicitous toe rag. But other people's life are often stranger than fiction..

Guy is cheating. I think you should get your sister to pretend to have a double life too, or ditch this loser.

Also don't say DP..... doesn't sound nice

LessMissAbs Wed 15-May-13 23:49:28

When theres secretive behaviour theres usually a secret to hide.

I once was sort of seeing a guy who behaved like this. Except I was the one who had met his parents and the other woman was in a long distance relationship with him and slotted into the weekends he wasn't in his home town or visiting his family.

He also had several other "female friends" on the go. He justified it because he didn't have sex with them all. When I dumped him, he lost his temper and told me about his other girlfriend and that he preferred her.

I still feel I never quite discovered --all- the truth about him. But basically he wanted to be seen as single and available yet have a girlfriend (or two, or three) on standby for security.

noseymcposey Wed 15-May-13 23:58:57

God, I just couldn't be bothered with all that!

Spero Thu 16-May-13 00:00:45

There might be an 'innocent' explanation. I don't know.

But what is clear is he won't discuss it, whatever it is. How can you have a relationship with someone who can't or won't communicate?

What if they have children? Or get ill? Life is full of stuff that you have to talk about, or you and your relationship go under.

Having washed years of my life with someone who could not or would not discuss things with me, I say please, please get out now and don't waste anymore of your life.

DonDrapersAltrEgoBigglesDraper Thu 16-May-13 00:08:50

I blithely go through life thinking I am normal, but it's threads like this that make me wonder if actually, I'm the weird one...

I do not understand how you can be with someone for three years, with this HUGE family of (weird?) elephants in the room and put up with it. What is so amazing about this guy that your sister is prepared to be made a total mug of over? I cannot believe that people's twunt radars are so dysfunctional that they overlook this sort of thing. Or that they're so desperate to be in a relationship - any relationship - that they ignore their wildly beeping, flashing twunt radar.

And hiring a private detective?! In whose world is hiring a private detective, to scope out your partner, normal?

Life lesson no. 93: If you've got to the point that you need to hire a private detective just to get the measure of your own partner; the person you love and trusts and who loves and trusts you, it's over. There is no coming back from that.

Again, am I the weird one, to feel like this? confused

I apologise right up front for the less than sympathetic post. But seriously, blokes like this ARE NOT WORTH IT!!!! Your sister can do sooooo much better than this weirdo. Why can she not see that? sad

OrangeFootedScrubfowl Thu 16-May-13 00:15:07

I know someone too whose DH worked away regularly and turned out to have a second family.
This chap clearly has something to hide. Hs facebook sounds like a fake account too. sad

QOD Thu 16-May-13 00:15:24

Dying to know . . .

Parajse Thu 16-May-13 00:20:09

One of my best friends was with the teenage equivalent of your step sister's partner a few years ago- she was sitting her A levels at the time, she met him outside school and he said he was a 19 year old student. Long story short, he turned out to be a married 27 year old with 3 kids, blessed with a youthful complexion shock

Seriously, if there's stuff he's this reluctant to share with her, he's hiding something. It might just be embarrassing relatives, but surely if he feels that strongly about keeping your step sister away from that part of his life it begs the question is he really that committed to her?

SoggySummer Thu 16-May-13 00:27:05

The FB with only 23 friends sounds potentially fake. I could be wrong because not everyone has 2000 friends - i keep mine limited, but this alongside his secretive behaviour is yet another red flag.

Whatever his secret is - maybe its something genuine(ish) police protection/changed id of his family for some scary horrid reason (clutching at straws here) - his ongoing secretive behavior is just not on. What ever he is hiding - is preventing him from having a normal open relationship.

Seriously - what does your sister think?? Where does she see this relationship in 5 years??? Does she not feel any desperation to know more?? Or does she just accept this is how it is???

She has already wasted too long on a relationship full of scerets and going nowhere. Do her a favour and help her out here by finding out who the hell he really is.

Parajse Thu 16-May-13 00:39:34

My FB account was probably down to less than 10 friends at one point (and I was 18 at the time). I felt the need to keep it extremely limited at the time for personal reasons, it was so private it was hardly worth bothering with. And it was my real and only FB, honest!

What's ringing alarm bells for me though is that it sounds like the majority of his 23 FB friends he knows through your step sister- that to me is suggesting he doesn't know anyone else under this identity whom he's able to friend on there. If he wants to keep his friends to a minimum then to include lots of his partner's family but none of his own/few friends of his own etc sounds very odd. If I was to cut my FB friends down again to 10/20ish, I certainly wouldn't have room to include too many of DD's dad's family, if any.

LondonKitty Thu 16-May-13 00:47:30

I agree with DonDrapers, and there's a moral part of me that feels it is appropriate to quietly and respectfully let these people mourn their oh soooooo doomed relationship....

But I really, really want to know what this guy's story is. And how quickly mnetters can dig it out. And what sleuthing skills I might learn from this thread. And whether there are going to be any unfortunate bum tattoos. Or a dramatic helicopter rescue on an island near Shanghai....

I'll get over the ethical dilemma if you just keep us updated...

HollaAtMeBaby Thu 16-May-13 07:34:30

He's definitely up to something and I agree that the FB you've found is a duplicate/decoy account. Have you tried to find him on LinkedIn? though bear in mind that LinkedIn tells you who's looked at your profile (I'll do it for you if you PM me his details!).

What does he do/say if you ask him about his family and where he comes from? in a "friendly" way? Does he act cagey or change the subject?

IneedAsockamnesty Thu 16-May-13 07:52:23

Or of course she could just tell him she does not wish to remain in a relationship whilst the other member behaves like that, cut her losses save time and effort and just not bother with any more effort.

christinarossetti Thu 16-May-13 08:02:54

oh how awful for your sister.

What job does he do?

buildingmycorestrength Thu 16-May-13 11:54:58

Tactical I wonder if you discovered anything. I kind of think you did and you are having to deal with the repercussions now.

Or maybe you just aren't glued to MN like me.

magimedi Thu 16-May-13 12:22:12

I wonder if sister actually knows more than she is letting on & is so besotted about the guy that she won't tell you?

I'm not meaning to sound harsh with that comment but so often "love is blind".

KitNCaboodle Thu 16-May-13 15:37:08

Any news Tactical?

IsaacCox Thu 16-May-13 15:46:49

Any news? not marking place, oh no

Pendipidy Thu 16-May-13 15:58:16

You should tell your sister your suspicions . It isn't normal for a relationship.

lljkk Thu 16-May-13 16:12:20

.

lljkk Thu 16-May-13 16:13:30

I don't think OP should say anything to her sister (yet), there may be an explanation that still puts him in the clear morally.

CoffeePleaseSir Thu 16-May-13 16:22:23

Blimey he sounds so dodgy, I agree something else is going on with this man, wife, kids, whatever but he definitely sounds like he has another life somewhere else shock

eminemmerdale Thu 16-May-13 16:24:32

3 years shock. I'd be fuming and would have found out where they live and gone round there!!

wannaBe Thu 16-May-13 17:09:22

I don't necessarily agree that 23 friends on fb equals a fake/dodgy account. Lots of people choose not to live their lives on fb or in fact don't have fb at all, that doesn't make them dodgy.

I do agree with whoever it was that said up thread that if you hire a private detective to find out about your partner then the relationship is over. If I were the partner I would probably hire the PI because I would want to know (as I said up thread). however, it is entirely possible that there could be an innocent explanation.

And while I think that checking on the internet etc is perfectly ok, for the op to be hiring a private detective would be overstepping a line - whoever it was who suggested that.

Ultimately, if the sister is happy in her relationship then is it really for someone else to try and prove that this man isn't who/what he says he is? I can understand why op's dh doesn't want her to be involved.

piffpoff Fri 17-May-13 09:54:49

Damn you Wannabe/ Voice of reason, but some of us have no life really need to know.

SoggySummer Fri 17-May-13 11:26:34

OP - have you decided what you want to do?? Are you going to say anything to your sister or delve some more or just leave it??

buildingmycorestrength Sun 19-May-13 20:50:41

TacticalWheelbarrow has not posted on MN to speak of since her last post on this thread. She might be in a deep situation with family, or she might have name changed. She may not come back.

But, man, I wish she would! I would love to know what was discovered, if anything.

Fuckwittery Sun 19-May-13 21:42:39

have been following g this thread, just marking place for any update

I hope she's ok....

Fakebook Mon 20-May-13 10:49:46

This is going to be another one of those threads with an anti climax. Then everyone will disperse like ants when you take the cake away. I bet the man's family really are weird and he's embarrassed of them or they try to control him and so he keeps his distance.

Spero Mon 20-May-13 12:12:57

So why won't he talk to her about it then?

Surely he can just say - sorry love, my family are weird and embarrassing and I just don't want to put you through it.

Its the fact that he won't deal with her obvious distress that is the worrying thing here, not the actual details about weird family/other woman/other kids.

SillyBlueHat Wed 05-Jun-13 19:43:07

Any update OP?

flippinada Wed 05-Jun-13 19:47:58

Yes, it's weird. He is hiding something from her.

ImperialBlether Wed 05-Jun-13 19:50:59

Never mind your sister for a minute, OP - what's this about your own husband who you think could track you down on here? What's going on there?

flippinada Wed 05-Jun-13 19:53:17

Exactly Spero. Wouldn't you have mentioned it at some point during a three year relationship?

Maybe he has got a crazy, awful family..although that begs the question of why he goes to see them regularly, if they're genuinely crazy and awful.

And how does he police the phone thing, what if they phone while he's out and stepsis picked up? Or they left a message on the answering machine and she got it?

Something definitely not adding up here.

Buddhagirl Wed 05-Jun-13 20:46:46

Private investors needed

mosuzu Thu 13-Jun-13 18:01:34

What happened with this?

SybilRamkin Thu 13-Jun-13 20:20:43

Yeah, I've been lurking on this and was wondering whether it got resolved. Any update, OP?

Sikasia Sat 19-Oct-13 19:55:41

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

AllThatGlistens Sat 19-Oct-13 20:23:44

Oh for gods sake, stop raking up old threads to advertise your business! Reported.

Tuonz Sat 19-Oct-13 20:29:46

Ffs Sika.

Does this shit ever work?
Try real advertising, if you want I can investigate some companies that can help, since you have been unable to uncover any yourself.
If I want a shitty photo of a guy carrying parcels behind some bins I'll take it myself. I have a fake tache and a huge newspaper.

NicknameIncomplete Sat 19-Oct-13 20:47:14

I think i have less than 23 people on my fb however some of them are family so not a fake account.

I agree that something is strange in your sisters situation.
He may just be embarrassed by his family(keeping up appearances anyone wink) or as i and everyone else thinks he has kids and/or wife elsewhere.

CackleCackle Sun 20-Oct-13 11:33:31

Properly gutted. I wanted to know what happened. Curse you unfinished zombie threads!

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