To think I shouldn't have to show my appreciation all the time

(46 Posts)
Mummabubbles Tue 14-May-13 09:51:56

Bit of background.........
I was self-employed, working from home, full time. Before becoming pregnant partner and I discussed financial issues and decided that if we were lucky enough to have a baby I would not work for a year so I could spend time with the baby (job would mean I would be at home with the baby but have very little time to give her time, attention and proper care) and he would support us all financially (he earns enough to be able to do this).
Anyway, baby is now here smile but already I am feeling awkward about asking for money. I only ask for money for essential things -car needing mot etc.- and partner does give me the money but he makes sure I 'show' appreciation!! And tells me and anyone who will listen how good he is to be giving me money. He even brought it up at a recent family gathering, listing almost to the penny how much money he has given me since our baby arrived!!
Don't get me wrong, I do appreciate his help but AIBU to think he shouldn't go on about it, making me show eternal gratitude and telling everyone how good he is to support me financially??

SundaysGirl Tue 14-May-13 09:54:13

That would really annoy me.

What does he say when you discuss it with him?

TWinklyLittleStar Tue 14-May-13 09:58:57

He's being a prick.

You sat down and decided this was how your family would operate. Now he's treating you like a sponger spending his money, when you ought to have equal access to family money without hesitation.

You need to have a conversation, and let him know you're an adult not a child being doled out pocket money, and if he keeps being like this you'll go back to work and he can pay a nanny/nursery and see how much 'gratitude' he gets from them.

buildingmycorestrength Tue 14-May-13 10:00:08

Isn't it his baby too? shock

I hope he is showing appreciation for everything you are doing... but I bet he isn't.

Mummabubbles Tue 14-May-13 10:00:41

He says I am being silly because he does help me with money so I have nothing to moan about!! I suppose he is right but surely it is now his responsibility to 'help' me with money??
He is generally a lovely thoughtful man so this is quite out of character

Bill him for childcare. Or make him feel eternally grateful that you're doing it for free. Or suggest that you start working again, he can stay home to look after the baby, but you'll very generously give him an allowance. Hopefully he'll realise that he's being a bit of a pillock!

buildingmycorestrength Tue 14-May-13 10:07:53

Not normal or healthy for a new dad to be like this, no. Really, he's being an idiot.

isitsnowingyet Tue 14-May-13 10:09:12

Why don't you get a joint bank account, and then you take out the money when you need it? I'm guessing he wouldn't agree to that if he is so controlling about money. On the other hand, you are both adults and it seems a more sensible way to get around it..

purrpurr Tue 14-May-13 10:09:28

Why have you been put in the position of having to approach him to ask for money? Do you have access to the family's finances?

My DH occasionally says things like this to me. I give him the stare, then I tell him that they've worked out a stay at home mum's financial worth is somewhere in the region of 60k per annum. It's easy to take someone for granted, particularly if they're so well-behaved they don't even expect access to money. How do you even buy food?

purrpurr Tue 14-May-13 10:10:31

Why does he see it as 'helping' you with money? Do you see that you are 'helping' him with childcare? This whole thing stinks. Does he think he is bankrolling you in a lovely holiday?

ImTooHecsyForYourParty Tue 14-May-13 10:11:35

How exactly does he make you show appreciation? What does he say to demand this?

Does he show appreciation every time you feed, burp, change or otherwise care for the child you share?

Or kiss your feet for every bit of housework you do?

I agree with presenting him with a bill for half the amount that f/t childcare would cost. That's how much you're saving him (if we assume that you would pay the other half if you were working out of the home)

Peevish Tue 14-May-13 10:13:47

You shouldn't have to ask at all! You jointly decided on this arrangement, which seems perfectly sensible, and it seems odd, childish and controlling for him to be clinging to the reins like this. Get a joint account, and for God's sake, don't 'show appreciation' unless he is showing equivalent appreciation for your temporary sacrifice of your own career and income to look after your baby!

JuliaScurr Tue 14-May-13 10:13:53

joint bank account
agreed amount paid in directly
your JOB is WORKING at home
DOMESTIC LABOUR & CHILDCARE IS WORK

pictish Tue 14-May-13 10:14:55

I too like the childcare bill idea...just to illustrate the point.

He is being a prick about all this. Maybe playing the big provider to the little lady and the baby has gone to his head a bit. Maybe he has controlling streak...I don't know, but he should not be doing this.

Squitten Tue 14-May-13 10:16:25

How exactly are you expected to show appreciation?! You are "grateful for his help" - what, financing his own child is doing you a favour now is it?

He sounds like a twat! Why can't he put the FAMILY'S money in a joint account where you can access it too? You need to be having a serious conversation with him about how it's not ok to make you feel like an employee

ephemeralfairy Tue 14-May-13 10:16:51

Of course it is his responsibility. It's his child...! And the fact that he is mentioning it to family/friends is demeaning and embarrassing. Silly childish boasting on his part. What does he want, a round of applause for providing for his own child?? The mind boggles.

On a more practical note, could you perhaps agree on a set amount per week/month that you can access whenever you need it? Then you don't have to go cap-in-hand to him and be made to feel small whenever you need to buy a pack of nappies.

I really am fuming on your behalf...!

pictish Tue 14-May-13 10:20:13

don't get me wrong...I do appreciate his help

You make it sound like he has an option, and he's choosing to do you a favour!

Paying for your own child is not 'help'...it's a given. You agreed together. You ar home, him going out to work. He is not helping you...he is just doing the bare minimum required.

Do not let him lord it over you...the big arse.

lunar1 Tue 14-May-13 10:20:51

I gave up work to be a SAHM almost 5 years ago after the same discussion you and your DH has. In all that time he has not made any reference to it being his money, he also set up a standing order to my savings account when ds1 was born to replace what I was previously saving.

what your DH is doing is not at all healthy, does he show appreciation for everything you do or is it just expected. I think you need to sit him down ASAP and get this sorted out otherwise i cant imagine it bodes well for your future together.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Alibabaandthe40nappies Tue 14-May-13 10:23:03

He is a twat.

He is not 'helping' you with money, you should have a joint account which you have equal access to.

Agree that you should send him a childcare bill.

As for discussing it with family and friends, that shows a real meanness of character that I would be devastated to see in my children's father. They are probably secretly thinking 'what an arse'.

MsVestibule Tue 14-May-13 10:23:29

As a SAHM, I almost started hyperventilating after reading your post! Seriously, this is bonkers. In our household, all money (DH's salary, child benefit, other small amounts of my income) go into one account which I have full access to for family stuff (inc maintenance for my car), plus we both get the same amount of spending money.

I wouldn't have become a SAHM if I had to rely on him generously doling out money, making sure I showed my appreciation.

valiumredhead Tue 14-May-13 10:25:24

You need a joint account asap, you shouldn't have to ask for money ffs!

KellyElly Tue 14-May-13 10:25:30

You shouldn't have to ask for money, you should have access to 'family' money. He is financially controlling you and you need to put a stop to it. If he doesn't agree, find the going rate for a full time nursery and bill him each month for your 'job'.

exoticfruits Tue 14-May-13 10:28:07

He is being ridiculous - I would make sure that he should give you full appreciation for allowing him to work while you do his childcare for him.

I would give him a straight choice, a joint bank account for your money that you spend, as and when you need,without asking him OR you simply bill him for childcare, laundry, cooking, cleaning etc.

ThingummyBob Tue 14-May-13 10:30:32

Bill him all the childcare hours to date.

Push the point enough to make him cough up.

If he won't then tell him you are returning to work full time and he will have to share childcare costs 50% with you, and do 50% of everything else.

If he still doesn't get it then you have a real problem going forwards and I'd have to sit and re-think my entire future.

Drastic, but then so is years of drip, drip, drip financial abuse in the end sad

LadyClariceCannockMonty Tue 14-May-13 10:30:35

He's not 'helping' or 'giving' you money. You're a family and a team and it's all of your money.

I agree with KellyElly. Show him the actual monetary worth of what you do. Then ask him to grow the fuck up.

HalfBakedAlaska Tue 14-May-13 10:32:12

YADNBU.

There was an episode of Everybody Loves Raymond on recently (I'm on maternity leavesmile ) where the central character was saying this so the wife provided him with a bill for child care, housework, etc. Turned out he couldn't afford her. smile

Seriously, though, this is about respect, or his lack of it. You need to have a conversation about why he places so little value on the care of your child. He is not "doing you a favour" by supporting you financially.

HazleNutt Tue 14-May-13 10:42:48

YANBU. You are a family. As a family, you both need to a) take care of baby and home and b) earn money. You have decided that you will do A and he will do B. Therefore money earned is family money and you should have absolutely the same access to it than him. Get a joint account, asking your partner for pocket money and justifying every expense is ridiculous.

Would he think it's reasonable if you also listed - to the minute - the childcare and housework you provide "for him"? That he would have to ask you to change diapers, feed the baby and do dishes - the same way you are asking for money? Does he show enough appreciation that you do all that?

pictish Tue 14-May-13 10:49:02

The fact that he has kept track of what has been spent thus far, shows where his values lie.

valiumredhead Tue 14-May-13 10:49:16

And bill him Nanny over night nanny rates not childminder rates to really get the point across!

buildingmycorestrength Tue 14-May-13 11:11:15

Just FYI

http://www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic_violence_topic.asp?section=0001000100220049&sectionTitle=Financial

Mummabubbles Tue 14-May-13 11:28:24

He does put money into my account that covers food and household bills but this has been worked out exactly so there is none left for me, I will have a stern talk tonight and show him this thread!
Now going to work out my bill for him! Thanks ladies I'm not normally so weak but baby hormones and all that grin

valiumredhead Tue 14-May-13 11:29:08

You need to suggest a joint account first and watch his reaction - that will tell you everything.

Mummabubbles Tue 14-May-13 11:34:18

imtoohecsy probably sounds wrong for me to say I have to show appreciation, I don't have to do anything for money!! He just expects lots of thank yous and me generally being grateful iyswim.

HazleNutt Tue 14-May-13 11:44:21

OP and if he claims that well of course all the SAHMs would say that, they don't have to earn the money, easy for them to share - I'm a main earner in our family and make several times what DH makes. All our money is joint and I couldn't even imagine it any other way. That he would have to justify his expenses and I would tell everybody how much pocket money I gave him - ridiculous. We're a family.

pinkyredrose Tue 14-May-13 11:45:07

That's financial abuse. You both contribute to the running of your house and the bringing up of your baby.

You should both have the same amount of leisure time and spare cash. Do you know how much he has to spend know himself? And why does he think you deserve no spending money?

It smacks of him thinking he earns and owns everything and is being v generous in 'giving' you money.

He's treating you like a servant.

pinkyredrose Tue 14-May-13 11:46:07

on himself not know

valiumredhead Tue 14-May-13 11:48:21

If he expects thank yous and expects you to be verbally grateful then you do have to do stuff for money OP.

NatashaBee Tue 14-May-13 11:56:13

This is financial abuse. I would ask him to set up a joint account - his response to that might tell you whether he's just being a thoughtless twat and hasn't realised how ridiculous he's being, or if he's actually intentionally being abusive. Either way, I would make sure you don't close any doors with regards to work, in case things change and you need to go back. Are you still officially on maternity leave at the moment?

Dawndonna Tue 14-May-13 11:56:23

If he is mentioning this in public in an attempt to display his peacock feathers, he's an idiot. This is financial abuse, he has total control of you, your child and the relationship. I would be sitting him down and saying change it or else.

StuntGirl Tue 14-May-13 11:56:55

He's being a twat.

When you decided how to organise the logistics of family life with a baby why did you not set up a joint account straight away?

It's definitely sit down and serious chat time with him. Ask him why he's been keeping track of every penny he spent? Does he think you've kept track of every day of childcare, every nappy changed, every sleepless night, every load of laundry and every floor swept?

He's behaving like an intolerable idiot. Time for him to grow up or you'll need to have a long hard think about how you need to change your set up.

ImTooHecsyForYourParty Tue 14-May-13 12:08:33

Has he said that he expects lots of thank yous and you being grateful?

What were the words he used to express that requirement, is what I'm wondering?

Did he say "I expect you to thank me when I give you money."

What did he say that has left you with the understanding that thanks and gratitude are required for access to the family money?

Patosshades Tue 14-May-13 12:13:41

Agree totally with Dawndonna and Stuntgirl.

He's made you believe he's doing you a massive favour allowing you spend time with your child!!

What are the arrangements for childcare goingn to be when you resume work, are you going to have to pay or sort it all out? 1 year olds are no easier to work alongside in the house.

Put your foot down OP. If he won't provide enough money for you to buy what you need when you need, and without you having to report back, you might want to consider going back to work. Not to be rude, but if he's counting every penny (and letting your friends know this too) maybe you need the second income anyway?

Is it worth being home for a year if your self-esteem will be crushed to bits by the end of it? He shouldn't be able to reel off a list of what you've bought with 'his' money. If you both arranged for you to stay home it's family money.

Hell no. Him acting like the big man in front of everyone and expecting you to be all obedient wife about money! The income is family income. He had better not be having fun and spending money and hobbies while you beg for money to MOT the car.

Jan49 Wed 15-May-13 15:20:53

Does he thank you and show appreciation for what you do in caring for the baby?

If I was at a family event and a man started talking like that about his partner who was SAHP, I'd think he was very odd. It makes it sounds like you're not a couple. Discussing all the details of your finances with other people is unusual too.

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