AIBU to send this to StbxH solicitor, it will almost certainly mean DC's will have virtually NO contact with StbxH?

(41 Posts)
catfourfeet Mon 13-May-13 21:56:14

Hi All,

Quick back story fore those who don't know my story.

DH has MH problems, severe short term memory problems,
Currenlty lives with his sis ( my EVIL SIL)
she controls his life and especially his contact with his DC's
I have taken DC's to visit him ( 7 hour round trip) regularly.
He has NEVER come to see them since he left in Aug 2012.Skypes once a month or less.

The crunch has come in that he did not come to a VERY important religious event for our youngest DC last week, even though he had PROMISED he was coming and then bailed.

Communictaion with him is limited to e-mails that are ignored unless it is something HE wants. I do not have any phone contact`at all. I need to get as much "in" as possible so that if ONE part is responded to I then have confirmation that the WHOLE email was recieved. Otherwise his "memory" will be blamed and the content of the e-mail denied.

this is what I am thinking of sending.

thanks if you have read this far.


Contact with children.

In the foreseeable future, Catfourfeet will not be taking the children to visit StbxH in Another Town. Visits have proved distressing for the children.

As StbxH has chosen to live 150 miles from his children it is his responsibility to arrange alternative arrangements for his / his close family’s contact with the children.

If (due to StbxH’s memory problems) StbxH is unable to arrange contact himself then Catfourfeet suggests that advice is sought from those individuals (either professional or personal) who are currently assisting StbxH with his living arrangements, medial care, financial matters etc.

Once suitable arrangements have been put in place Catfourfeet will make the children available for contact; a month’s notice will be required.

Other forms of contact that are immediately available to StbxH:
Text, voice mail, e-mail, skype, letter, face book.

StbxH’s Possessions.

Other items still remaining at Catfourfeet house

Large canvas print
CDVHS,Vinyl collection
Box of 35mm slides
Children’s school bible inscribed “********
Various pictures painted by StbxH’s father.

If StbxH does not arrange for collection of these items before June 30th they will be disposed of.

Emergency contact with children

In the event that one of the children suffers a life threatenting illness / injury and StbxH’s presence is urgently required would he wish to be informed? How would he like to be contacted during office hours / outside of office hours?

If Catfourfeet does not receive any instruction in this matter then she will assume that StbxH does not wish to be contacted in the event of serious illness / injury.

E-mail communication

E-mails received from StbxH will only be accepted if they confirmed by an additional individual who has regular contact with StbxH (nominated by StbxH).

This ensures that, given StbxH's memory problems, a trusted individual is aware of the email communication in and out of StbxH’s account and can advise him accordingly.

Emails sent by Catfourfeet that are not acknowledged will be assumed to have not reached the recipient.

Until such an arrangement has been put in place Catfourfeet will only accept communication via StbxH’s solicitor.

It sounds very sensible to me. (Are you the one who had all sorts of problems with the sister taking over all the medical appointments and cutting you out?)

NoisyDay Mon 13-May-13 22:05:06

Hi, I was thinking about you just yesterday, I don't post much on your previous threads but your situation sounded horrendous.i hope things are ok for you and your children.that email sounds fair and of luck

DevonLodger Mon 13-May-13 22:08:21

He sounds like he is disabled and has a serious mental impairment. Are you not able to make appropriate adjustment for that? Perhaps he forgot the religious event due to his condition.

KansasCityOctopus Mon 13-May-13 22:09:51

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

catfourfeet Mon 13-May-13 22:13:50

He sounds like he is disabled and has a serious mental impairment. Are you not able to make appropriate adjustment for that? Perhaps he forgot the religious event due to his condition.

I do , I made SURE his sister knew , I offered ALL sorts of ways for him to attend , taxi, friends giving lift etc etc NOTHING was good enough.

catfourfeet Mon 13-May-13 22:15:50

SIL has had enough of him and is getting him his own flat becasue he "wants his independence"

Short of kidnapaping him there isnt anythign I can do

BlackeyedSusan Mon 13-May-13 23:10:37

the other evil sil was not the dh's sister I think.

anyway, it sounds good to me.

Footface Mon 13-May-13 23:18:19

I remember your situation from years ago, I think you had a different name. I often though if you, as what you were going through was awful.
I'm sorry things have come to this.

Your sil is one very strange person, very controlling and manipulating.

The email is appropriate and I hope it helps

catfourfeet Mon 13-May-13 23:40:32

Thanks for the replies.
Just have to get on with MY life now , for me and especially the children. sad

yaimee Tue 14-May-13 00:14:15

Sounds a sensible resolution to me op.
Hope thongs get a boy easier for you and your Dcs flowers

Sunnywithshowers Tue 14-May-13 00:14:52

It sounds eminently sensible to me.

Best of luck OP x

BookieMonster Tue 14-May-13 00:17:41

Sounds perfectly reasonable. Good luck to you. flowers

ChasedByBees Tue 14-May-13 00:32:30

Sounds sensible. So sorry it came to this.

LittleFeileFooFoo Tue 14-May-13 00:52:19

It sounds sensible to me.
Can you put a read receipt on emails to him so that when he gets your email you know he's received it?

MammaTJ Tue 14-May-13 05:55:21

Sounds sensible.

ImTooHecsyForYourParty Tue 14-May-13 06:09:50

You have no choice. You have tried and tried and tried but there comes a point when you have to accept that there is no more you can do.

You're at that point.

Sounds perfectly justified.

kungfupannda Tue 14-May-13 08:35:12

It all sounds perfectly sensible. The only bit I would reconsider is the month's notice. That seems to imply that contact will be extremely rare by your choice. I would drop it down to 2 week's notice, or a week's notice with the proviso that if it isn't convenient to you then it will have to be rearranged.

ZillionChocolate Tue 14-May-13 08:50:52

I agree with kungfupanda that a month's notice is too much, particularly if the contact will be local to you.

This paragraph would benefit from re-wording, it's not clear what you mean:

E-mails received from StbxH will only be accepted if they confirmed by an additional individual who has regular contact with StbxH (nominated by StbxH).

InsertCleverNameChangeHere Tue 14-May-13 09:24:34

I think you might also wish to reword your penultimate sentence. I think you mean "Emails sent by Catfourfeet that are not acknowledged will be assumed to have not reached the recipient."

Best of luck. Given what I can glean from the information here, it seems like you're having a rough time, I hope things improve.

nenevomito Tue 14-May-13 10:17:25

I remember your other threads and what you've written seems very sensible and clear.

Sorry to hear this has been ongoing all of this time. I hope you and the children have a better life, moving on.

catfourfeet Tue 14-May-13 18:54:53

thanks for all the replies

I will reword to have 2 weeks notice.

I have also reworded the "e-mail" bit , its longer but clearer.

what I need is for the e-mail contact to be "water tight" e.g. no Wriggle room for SIL / H to say

"Didnt get the e-mail"

"H got the E-mail but he forgot to tell anyone"

"H sent a reply but forgot what he said in it / we didnt know he sent it"

" H did reply, how strange you didnt get it ???"

etc etc

StuntGirl Tue 14-May-13 19:04:23

You're finally taking the steps you need to move on with your life, you are not unreasonable in the slightest. Good luck for the future OP.

ImperialBlether Tue 14-May-13 19:40:04

Is she the SIL who used to go to his doctor's appointments with him?

ophelia275 Tue 14-May-13 19:40:31

You could just send the email with a programme like "read verify" which means you get proof that the email you have sent was read (or not read) and I think it gives you an IP address to the location as to where it was read.

Hissy Tue 14-May-13 19:48:04

I think this is the best thing for you. You will feel better. The clarity will help your DC too. It's terrible that it's come to this, but none of it your doing.

I hope your SIL gets to see Karma in action.

Lambzig Tue 14-May-13 20:19:40

I think this sounds very sensible. I wondered what had happened with the situation you were in.

I hope this lets you and your children find some equilibrium with all of this.

notmyproblem Tue 14-May-13 21:26:09

Send it registered mail.

MadamFolly Tue 14-May-13 22:26:03

So she basically stole him from you and your children and now is tired of him and kicking him out???

catfourfeet Tue 14-May-13 23:27:59

"So she basically stole him from you and your children and now is tired of him and kicking him out???"

oh noooooooooo !!!

He WANTS his inependence, she only doign what HE wants.

although she said " I go to work to have respite from him" and

" I have some sympathy for what Cat was going through"

But he's been so brainwahed agianst me he HATES me, can't stand to talk to me and last tim eI reied to tell him about our Ds important day he RAN AWAY.

catfourfeet Tue 14-May-13 23:28:28

soory for typos, posted to soon

catfourfeet Tue 14-May-13 23:31:50

thanks for the link Ophelia smile

catfourfeet Tue 14-May-13 23:32:56

"send it registered mail"

they would asy there wasn't anyhting in the envelope, or H opened it and then forgot.

AnyFucker Tue 14-May-13 23:39:17

On a previous thread, you said you had been outed in RL after posting on here.

I would be concerned there will be a repeat of that after all the detail you have put on this one.

catfourfeet Tue 14-May-13 23:49:55


Whats the worry , what could happen ??

It already has

catfourfeet Tue 14-May-13 23:50:54

e.g. my lifer has laready been torn appart, it can be any MORE torn appart if someone in RL sees this.

AnyFucker Tue 14-May-13 23:54:00

Your choice, of course. You seemed rather concerned about it back then. < shrug >

I am glad to see you taking some control of the situation, however.

catfourfeet Tue 14-May-13 23:58:07


Back then I still had somehting to lose, I was still fighting, now I can see how pointless it all is,
its a realse in some ways, SIS or SIL can play their silly games on thier own now, I've got a family to raise FUCK em.

AnyFucker Tue 14-May-13 23:59:22

Indeed. Fuck 'em.

Hissy Wed 15-May-13 07:05:24

Half of manipulation by others with an agenda is the fear that they think/know we have that others will find out about our dirty laundry, and how perceptions of US will change.

Well, when we realise that THEY did this, that they did this TO us, then fuck it indeed. Broadcast their deeds. Why keep their secrets safe. Let them defend THEMSELVES rather than us making excuses for them.

I've just had to have the 'Just because daddy doesn't contact you for MONTHS, means it's HIM that is the issue, not YOU' conversation.

Bollocks to these horrific people, that can do this to others. Bollocks and bollocks to them.

You sound so much stronger cat, I'm glad.

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