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to admit I find days like today hard

(191 Posts)
ilikehomecookedfood Sun 12-May-13 19:58:00

Wet, miserable Sunday (following on from a wet miserable Saturday) I have not spoken with a soul all weekend blush I find I reach this point on a Sunday and I feel strange and empty and really, really sad.

I know I'm not being unreasonable - but am I the only one?

ReluctantlyBeingYoniMassaged Sun 12-May-13 19:59:16

Have you been out at all over the weekend?

Fancydrawers Sun 12-May-13 19:59:20

Why haven't you spoken to anyone?

KitKatShoes Sun 12-May-13 20:00:35

Sundays are depressing

ChoudeBruxelles Sun 12-May-13 20:01:12

Have you been out at all?

ilikehomecookedfood Sun 12-May-13 20:03:18

How do you mean out? I've popped out to get bits of shopping?

Fancydrawers - because there hasn't been anyone to speak to. I live alone. Friends have been busy with their own families.

ChoudeBruxelles Sun 12-May-13 20:18:04

I meant out of the house. Dh works a lot of weekends. I fill them up with park, walks, trips to museum etc or I go crazy

ilikehomecookedfood Sun 12-May-13 20:20:09

I have been out of the house, yes, but the weather hasn't been good and besides, it is still hard not speaking to/interacting with anybody.

CloudsAndTrees Sun 12-May-13 20:22:35

If this is a common thing for you, then you need to do something about it, because it's making you sad.

You are not alone, there are countless people that live alone that get out and about at weekends. There are so many things you could do, social clubs, various sports or activities, voluntary work for a charity. You just need to think about what it is you might like to be doing and then look into that.

ilikehomecookedfood Sun 12-May-13 20:25:38

Thanks, CloudsandTrees. Unfortunately getting out and about at weekends, and feeling lonely, aren't quite distinctive - by that I mean that filling your time isn't the same as not being lonely.

In any case, most events and so on tend to be on weekday evenings around here and weekends are centred around families.

It can be difficult.

Cakecrumbsinmybra Sun 12-May-13 20:29:14

Can you exercise? Lots of exercise classes on at the weekend, which can be friendly. Walking or running group? At my local gym they have a jogging session on a sat am that anyone can go to.

leobear Sun 12-May-13 20:30:14

I really feel for you - I went through periods like this in my late 20s. I remember that empty feeling on a Sunday all too well. I'm so sorry, I don't really have any advice, I just wanted to say I understand!

ilikehomecookedfood Sun 12-May-13 20:30:17

lol I couldn't run the length of myself! Thanks, though smile I do exercise but find it quite solitary on the whole.

ilikehomecookedfood Sun 12-May-13 20:30:54

Leo - thanks, that's the only reason I posted, really! I sort of feel like I'm not quite 'real' by this time on a Sunday.

You definitely need a hobby. Even a fun exercise class like Zumba is a social thing.

How old are you? Do you need some friends? Any chance you're in Hertfordshire?

aderynlas Mexico Sun 12-May-13 20:34:17

Sorry that your weekend has been miserable op, and as you say the weather hasnt helped. thanks

leobear Sun 12-May-13 20:36:19

I think it is probably more common than you imagine, my DH says he went through exactly the same periods. I live miles away from my family, and I got to a stage where all my friends had settled down with husbands, kids etc, and I felt as though weekends were off limits for socialising. I used to start worrying about the weekend on a Tuesday!!

My only real tips, for what they are worth, are t treat yourself at home - make sure you have nice food in, treat yourself to nice long baths, watch TV. I really hope this doesn't sound patronising, but I found box sets quite good, especially things like Cold Feet - made me feel less lonely. Good luck - you might be surprised at how things can change.

ilikehomecookedfood Sun 12-May-13 20:36:48

Thanks. I do have hobbies and friends, but unfortunately both aren't really around at weekends so much, although I do go horse-riding the weather meant this wasn't practical this weekend. Besides, it's for 2 hours on a Saturday morning - people forget that still leaves you with around 15 hours to fill (not a dig at anybody here of course, just a general observation.)

I know people like to try and help but hobbies are not the cure-all people think they are smile they fill in an hour, two or three if you are lucky, but you are awake around 14/16 hours in a day and that is a LONG time to fill alone.

NinaHeart Sun 12-May-13 20:36:59

I sometimes feel like this on the weekends my H is with his children. Weekends are definitely family days and yes, can be difficult for those without families.
I have to say though, that at other times I relish being home alone and can do what I like- choose what I eat, if I go shopping or not, wax bits of me or dye my hair without being aked what I am doing, read a book all day if I want.... Small advantages perhaps, but definitely there.

NeoMaxiZoomDweebie Sun 12-May-13 20:37:35

Do you work in the week? No brothers, sisters or anything?

ilikehomecookedfood Sun 12-May-13 20:38:07

I live miles away from my family, and I got to a stage where all my friends had settled down with husbands, kids etc, and I felt as though weekends were off limits for socialising.

yep this is me! Lovely friends and quite a few of them but they pretty much all use weekends for family time (I understand this by the way, I'm not criticising) but the problem is when you explain you've been alone all weekend people assume you haven't got any friends, and I have! grin

ilikehomecookedfood Sun 12-May-13 20:38:38

Yes, I work in the week and I don't have siblings.

leobear Sun 12-May-13 20:40:46

I agree, I'm not sure hobbies do help, really. Obviously it's better than not having hobbies, but I could never work out how you made friends at an exercise class?! Maybe that's just me, though. I guess something like a political party, a church, charity may deliver more of a social life, but you would have to be into one of those things for real, for it to work.

You definitely need to turn weekends into a treat time for you- nice shopping, drive in the country, good cake, mini staycations at home where you posh up your bathroom for spa treatments, really good films - theres loads of fab mini series that you might not have seen.

If you ride can you help out with Riding for the Disabled? Fab charity.

leobear Sun 12-May-13 20:41:34

I'm an only child as well

My sil has made a load if new mates at Zumba - actual friends - apparently it's really social.

ilikehomecookedfood Sun 12-May-13 20:44:10

It's not just you!

Laurie, I do often do the things you've mentioned - it's just doing them on your own all the time often takes a bit of the joy out of it all really smile I can do things, you can always find stuff to DO, but I feel a bit lonely, sad, that others are with big groups of friends or families or partners while I'm stuck bumbling round somewhere alone.

ilikehomecookedfood Sun 12-May-13 20:45:20

I do have friends, though, Laurie. It's lovely of you to make these suggestions but the problem is that no matter how many people you are friends with, there are times when you can't see them as they are tied up doing their own stuff and weekends is one of these times.

Apologies if this is a dim question

Any chance you're looking for a partner?

Do you want to be alone - great if you do. If you don't have you considered dating? wink

xkittyx Sun 12-May-13 20:47:21

I totally understand. My DH works a lot of weekends and one does start feeling a bit unreal after a couple of days in the house. If I didn't know he would be home to provide some company at some point I can imagine I'd feel terrible and really lonely.
And I also have friends but one doesn't have plans necessarily every weekend.
Also, while I love my exercise classes and have been going for years, I've never struck up a friendship at one.

ilikehomecookedfood Sun 12-May-13 20:50:59

Laurie - no, I'm not really looking to meet anyone! Thanks, though smile

Kitty, yes, this is the problem. Bizarrely I tend to find things come in waves so I'll have one weekend where I find myself longing for some peace and quiet, then the next four weekends will be dead!

The other thing is that it can be expensive entertaining yourself - I love horse-riding but even that costs £30 for two hours and I can't really justify spending a fortune on travel and cinema and theatre every single weekend!

leobear Sun 12-May-13 20:55:26

What would you most like to change about your life at the moment?

Snowfedup Sun 12-May-13 20:58:02

What about a team sport like hockey, football or rugby - at a good sports club you can play a match then watch a few then often go to bar for some food or a drink and often spend whole day there, it can be really social and if like me you aren't brilliant you can usually play on a lower team just for fun !

drinkyourmilk Sun 12-May-13 21:03:34

Where a bouts are you? There are probably loads of us on MN that would live to meet new people and don't spend all weekend with family.
I'm near Brighton btw if anyone else is!

ilikehomecookedfood Sun 12-May-13 21:06:18

Thanks, I'm not in Brighton unfortunately smile it sounds like a lovely place! grin

nitrox Sun 12-May-13 21:08:59

I know exactly how you feel, and I live with my BF.

He's been at football today, which is ideal as I'm studying for my final exam, but I've felt dreadful all day.

It's hard to explain.

Solitary, in a bubble, not real (as you said).

I'm not depressed, and going out doesn't really help.. I don't know what it is really.

Sometimes I feel it, other times I don't.

The BF will be back shortly, and it'll go away then, but I don't understand it. I'm very confident, happy, run my own business and have plenty of Uni work to do, but I feel very odd some days.

Also, I don't know about you, but going out and doing something, even if it's social, can make me feel worse! Unless it's with someone I know well.

ilikehomecookedfood Sun 12-May-13 21:12:28

it is a very strange sort of feeling, and very unpleasant. I'm pleased your bf is returning soon.

nitrox Sun 12-May-13 21:16:03

I wonder if it's a type of anxiety?

I feel okay, but just a strange background dread type feeling, like something awful has just happened and I'm looking at it from a distance.

I sound like a loon now! (grin)

I used to live on my own, about 2.5yrs ago now, and had it all the time then too, but strangely only at weekends when I felt most isolated and alone.

I probably should have house shared and not lived alone.

Hope you are feeling better for posting?

Undertone Sun 12-May-13 21:16:06

I'm a weird loner. I had a lovely weekend going for runs, food shopping, batch cooking, watching a box set, cleaning, reading. Don't think i said a word to anyone yesterday except at the checkout. Spoke to mum for ages on the phone today though, and i had to bark "excuse me!" at a dozy couple blocking the path on today's run.

But i do know what you mean about Sunday evenings. Good time to pluck eyebrows and paint nails i find. They're also optimal newspaper and magazine reading time.

I do worry that sometimes only talking to 1 or 2 people over 48 hours is probably turning my brain to mush. It's not that I'm thinking particularly deep thoughts or being creatively productive or anything... Maybe it's a waste? See... I was having a lovely time but this is Sunday night thinking.

I'm 29. I keep putting off getting a life. Can't lose weight and party like a hoodlum at the same time though. <pokes shrinking belly... And also winces at empty bank account>

Foosyerdoos Sun 12-May-13 21:16:54

Could you do any volunteering or befriend an elderly person?

ilikehomecookedfood Sun 12-May-13 21:18:38

nitrox, if you're a weirdo so am I, as that's just how I feel. So strange.

foosyerdoos, I can do things, I am not short of things to fill my time, but it's just the lack of human contact. I accept what you're saying about volunteering but to be honest it's still going out doing something, what I feel the lack of is someone to veg out and do nothing with.

leobear Sun 12-May-13 21:20:16

So you need a boyfriend/girlfriend or a housemate?

nitrox Sun 12-May-13 21:20:17

I'm 29 too, and can't lose weight lol, are you my twin undertone ?

I'm wondering about whether its a little existential crisis.

That fearful feeling that you can't quite explain can be put down to anxiety and a feeling of dread. It gives rise to a deep fear that is difficult to put words to but with a flavour of: do I matter, is this all there is, is there more than this?

These feelings can be ameliorated with thought, mindfulness, recognition of feeling, deep breathing - and a knowledge that it will pass.

It is a fine balance of thought and action in life. I find when I have too many thoughts I definitely need a little more action.

ilikehomecookedfood Sun 12-May-13 21:25:00

Leo, no, I don't 'need' anything per se. In any case, wanting something doesn't equal getting - god, I sound like my mother! grin

I think my Sunday feeling often gets exaggerated by worries about the upcoming week, even though there's nothing specific I am worried about, as I don't get it when on holiday or on a Saturday night. Sunday blues I guess! But obviously when I'm with people it takes my mind off it.

ilikehomecookedfood Sun 12-May-13 21:25:21

I find when I have too many thoughts I definitely need a little more action

Me too!

nitrox Sun 12-May-13 21:28:29

Laurie I don't don't about the OP, but I think for me it's anxiety related, even if I don't consciously realise I'm anxious. I finish Uni soon and I have mixed feelings about that, I'm glad, but I'll miss the challenge. I also know I have no excuse not to go gym and diet as technically the reason I didn't do it before was because of Uni stress.. blush

So maybe anxiety, with pressures to lose weight.

I guess to OP could have different pressures and axieties and it just creates a similar chain reaction in the brain?

The problem is, you could leave the house, go to the gym and swimming and back home and not speak to anyone.. sometimes that feeling of no-one noticing you, or no-one knowing if you are okay or need help can be a wierd feeling, like a sense of abandonment or something.

I don't know if that makes any sense at all blush

nitrox Sun 12-May-13 21:29:37

*I don't know about OP...

I meant, sorry!

leobear Sun 12-May-13 21:29:44

Sorry, need sounded a bit patronising. It's just when you said you miss having someone to veg out with, I was wondering what the possibilities cold be....

ilikehomecookedfood Sun 12-May-13 21:31:29

where are you nitrox, I live in the most boring town in the world (although I do love it!) but I'll definitely exercise with you if you're nearby.

leo, don't worry, I didn't think it was patronising, it's just true that we don't always get what we want and this has been very true for me in terms of a relationship. Just the luck of the draw grin

nitrox Sun 12-May-13 21:35:38

I'm in East Yorkshire, near Goole..

I could do with a fitness buddy lol, anything to get me fighting the flab and back to the person I was before starting Uni and losing my will to live grin

leobear Sun 12-May-13 21:37:36

That was me, I swear!! I was incredibly unlucky in love, and all my friends had paired off. Used to spend every weekend alone, with a horrible anxious feeling, a lot of the time. I had resigned myself to never meeting anyone, had written off any chance of that. I met DH completely out of the blue. That may not be what you want, but please don't believe things can't change.

Yes nitrox I think that feeling of moving through the universe alone feels very strange sometimes.

Dilidali Sun 12-May-13 21:39:20

You're not alone in that! Sundays are hard on your own.
I have a family, but I needed to 'train' them in getting together. For a while I was the loon that showed up uninvited for coffee. Then after a while they sort of grew accustomed and now Sunday is lunch at one of us. If no get together, at least a phonecall. DH still thinks I am completely crazy for doing it, his family thinks I'm the best thing since sliced bread.
They didn't use to have regular contact and DH used to suffer badly with Monday blues that started Sunday mornings. Now things are better.

Could you start planning and inviting them for tea and cake on Sunday afternoon? I know it would not bother me at all to have friends around as well as family members.

ImperialBlether England Sun 12-May-13 21:42:22

Oh, OP, I really identified with this, "I sort of feel like I'm not quite 'real' by this time on a Sunday."

I live on my own most of the time and have gone full weekends without talking to anyone. Sometimes I know that's my fault, in that I could have arranged to meet someone but the thought of it just becomes overwhelming (even though I know I'd feel better as a result.)

nitrox Sun 12-May-13 21:43:09

Like floating in space grin Laurie

I'm happy enough in my relationship, but I'm fiercely independant and tend to have to lead the relationship. Not because I'm a bossy cow or anything, I'm very laid back and relaxed, but because the BF always lacks initiative I suppose.

This tends to make me feel lonely though, misunderstood? I don't know, I'm a bit of a thinker and like others have said, left alone with my thoughts for too long can get a little confusing lol.

nitrox Sun 12-May-13 21:46:08

ImperialBlether I'm the same, I used to have lots of friends wanting to meet up all the time, but I tend to get a little anxious about meeting up for some reason... I'm fine in social situations but I just don't want to go out sometimes, then wonder why I'm bored and lonely. hmm

ilikehomecookedfood Sun 12-May-13 21:48:20

I know Goole, although I live nowhere near there unfortunately! I used to use the M62 between Manchester and Hull a few times grin

The problem with thinking things can change, is you end up setting yourself up for disappointment a lot of the time. It is better to try and carve out a life you want, I find. That doesn't mean there aren't difficult parts to it though, just as there are very difficult parts to being married, I am sure.

NannyPlumIsMyMum Sun 12-May-13 21:49:41

You are not alone.

I solo parent a lot at weekends.

I found yesterday and today very difficult with the incessant rain.

We have a small house which doesn't help and weekends like this frazzle me .... Then I have to start my working week tomorrow and wait for more of the same nxt weekend .

nitrox Sun 12-May-13 21:52:57

The lovely M62, bet that was a pleasure smile

Are you burying emotions?

I think I do, especially about being overweight (size 20), I feel so disappointed and angry at myself, and I think that's what causes me to feel odd. I feel like I'm not me, this isn't my life lol... God I sound dramatic! But honestly, I feel like I'm in the wrong body! I should have a surfer girls body, because that's how my brain is, sporty, adventurous and daring..!

Prob just Sunday blues though, maybe you deep down wish your weekend had been different, a partner, kids etc...

JessicaBeatriceFletcher Sun 12-May-13 21:54:58

I totally understand. I often see no one on Sundays and hate them. As you say, OP, it's very much a family time and even if you have plenty of friends, as I have, if they are all coupled and/or with kids, you just don't see them.

I'm not sure what the answer is, because you can be out and doing things and keeping busy, but they don't necessarily give you the interaction with people.

ilikehomecookedfood Sun 12-May-13 21:59:06

There isn't an answer, to be honest - it's enough to know people understand and be able to have a bit of a moan about it! It is difficult because although people have the best of intentions, the first couple of pages of posts show that they do like to give you solutions, and there aren't always solutions.

nitrox - not sure what you mean by burying emotions to be honest? I've been pretty honest about how I feel.

leobear Sun 12-May-13 21:59:53

Also, don't assume that married people/families don't want to see single people at weekends. We often invite our single friends over for Sunday lunch, picnics in summer etc. the irony is, I always think its a really boring offer, and they'll have far more exciting and glamorous things to do!! But I love it when we have an extra adult around - change of dynamic, interesting for the children, want to keep in touch properly.

mumofthemonsters808 Sun 12-May-13 22:04:36

You are not alone, thousands of people are in your situation.Your post brought a tear to my eye because my late Mum and Auntie used to say their isolation at weekends (especially bank holidays) was hard to bare.

Four walls can so very easily become your prison if you do not adapt your lifestyle. I know it's easier said than done but sometimes a small step can achieve amazing results. A lot of social clubs (ramblers, drama groups) meet on Sundays why not check out via the library what your town has to offer. Also I can not over emphasize the social circle that having a dog has brought me, I have a cracking bunch of friends who I have met through my dog. Another option is to volunteer at say an animal rescue or charity shop. Of course the church is active on a Sunday but I know this is not for everyone.Only you can decide what suits your personality.

You sound like a lovely person who has so much to offer and you have a right to be happy. Loneliness can be eradicated it just takes some perseverance and opening your mind to the opportunities which are there for your taking. Take Care

nitrox Sun 12-May-13 22:04:43

Sorry, sounded a bit odd, I mean burying emotions to yourself, putting a brave face on things? It's just something I do, and I realise where my anxiety comes from even if I'm fine during the week, it's like the emotions I bury in the week surface when I'm bored/lonely or have too much thinking time. Just wondered if you were the same..

My sister is incredibly outgoing, great job, loads of friends etc and just recently started feeling the same as this, and said she thought it was because she wanted to settle down and was getting broody. She has no luck with men, no idea why, she's great! She lives in Oz too, so definately nothing to do with lack of good weather.

Snazzynewyear Sun 12-May-13 22:04:54

I've just started posting a solution so have now deleted... take your point that people want to 'fix' these things. I do know what you mean.

I think you need a 'vegging out' routine for these Sundays and then maybe look for someone (friend, different one each time) to invite round to share that? (Sorry, decided to just post the cut-down version in the end...)

ilikehomecookedfood Sun 12-May-13 22:08:58

Lol Snazzy, sorry! I didn't mean for you to feel you couldn't post a solution, as such, I think the problem is there are such negative connotations associated with loneliness, that the mere word conjures up images of a sullen, isolated individual when often the truth is I think many people who are lonely are like me - have a full time job and friends, but lack family and are at an age where many friends aren't 'easy' to pin down, or at least this is what I have found.

Mumof - thanks, but I do in fact have quite a varied social circle, but what they have in common is that they are all part of a couple and like to spend their 'free' time with their husbands, partners and children, massively reducing the time I can spent with them. it isn't a problem exactly, I understand it, but it does make my life a bit difficult in some ways and when weekends just crawl by in a haze of sitting, reading, TV watching, bed, do the same again, by this time on a sunday you can feel a bit strange, to say the least.

ImperialBlether England Sun 12-May-13 22:09:54

Snazzynewyear, not being funny, but the chance of a married friend coming around to veg out on a Sunday is absolutely nil.

Imscarlet Sun 12-May-13 22:10:04

You could volunteer at weekends. Loads of different organisations would be only glad to have you and you would have an element of social company.

Otherwise, how about going back to college to do something totally different. You could look into night courses or Open University. You would meet a whole load of people you wouldn't otherwise encounter and would suddenly find you weekends becoming very busy when studying.

My mum went through something similar when she took early retirement and googled activities that retired people could take up. I nearly have to make an appointment to see her now, she has so much going on.

Can I offer a {{{{{ hug }}}}} instead? grin

<snuggles>

ImperialBlether England Sun 12-May-13 22:12:33

The thing is, the OP probably doesn't want to volunteer - she just wants a friend. It's like when someone says they'll be lonely at Christmas on their own and people say 'Go to a homeless shelter and serve food' - well, yes, some might want to do that, but if what you're really yearning for is a family and some friends, it doesn't quite hit the spot, does it?

ilikehomecookedfood Sun 12-May-13 22:12:40

Imscarlet, the problem is no matter what you always go back to an empty house. You're suggesting activities, I can do those, that isn't a problem, but life can just be lonely when you live on your own.

nitrox Sun 12-May-13 22:12:53

Maybe you need to drink more grin wine

ilikehomecookedfood Sun 12-May-13 22:12:59

imperial - exactly!

Olderkidsaremine Sun 12-May-13 22:13:05

You could all be talking about me - when the kids were small I didn't want to impose all of us on friends who didn't have any and now mine are all grown I don't want to impose me on their family time! Went see my nephew for his birthday today and saw the other families there and felt so bad that I couldn't give mine the 'happy families' experience, have no other half and it seems petty to complain about being sad and alone.

Told my mum for the first time today that when I went on holiday by myself about 6 years ago I cried the whole first night because I felt so alone! She probably will think it was because I was away but I feel that way quite regularly at home too

Snazzynewyear Sun 12-May-13 22:15:19

Imperial well, I didn't think it would be married types much of the time, no, but I have only just read the post above where ilike says all her friends are coupled up. Knew it was a mistake to offer an idea! <joking> wink

Peenoweeno Sun 12-May-13 22:16:36

OP, I think I know how you feel. I was in my late twenties/early thirties when I had the same thing, but for me it was Saturday late afternoons and evenings. It sucks.

I just felt like I lacked a family, or rather the in-the-background / take-for-granted presence of other people in the house. It wasn't that I wanted a better social life (as it happens, it was pretty awesome) or a partner and/or children of my own, but that I was stuck between my childhood/parental family set-up, and what I assumed would be my future family set-up. I didn't really know what to do with myself, there was no template for how to organise my life and relationships at that point (for the reasons you give: my friends were all marrying and having children, or moving abroad).

Then I read an article about a women's commune in Amsterdam, and decided that if I didn't end up having a family of my own, that would be how I would live. Independent life, just living with other, like-minded mature women.

Hell, now that I DO have a DH and a DD, the idea is even more tempting grin.

Beyond a certain age, living alone can be very difficult.

leobear Sun 12-May-13 22:16:42

I'm married, we are allowed out, you know!

ImperialBlether England Sun 12-May-13 22:19:12

I do find that with most married/partnered friends I have to do all the work regarding meeting up etc. They're happy to do it, they don't avoid me(!) but they don't tend to think of suggesting anything. It is different when you have someone to go back home to; I imagine I didn't suggest to single friends that I went round to theirs at the weekend. It's hard to know what it's like unless you're there, I suppose.

Snazzynewyear Sun 12-May-13 22:19:49

ilike have you read a novel by Alain de Botton called The Romantic Movement? Starts with the heroine coming home on Sunday evening to find the flat empty, her flatmate has clearly been out all weekend at her boyfriend's, and she sits and eats a bowl of soup on her own and feels really sad and thinks about what a Sunday-eveningish feeling it is.

You can probably guess that she goes on to start a relationship with someone, but it also doesn't prove to be the answer to everything. Anyhow, this isn't a solution either wink but if you felt at all like reading a book in which for a moment someone has feelings that are kind of like yours, it's worth considering.

ImperialBlether England Sun 12-May-13 22:20:21

You wouldn't believe how many don't seem to be allowed out on their own, leobear!

Undertone Sun 12-May-13 22:21:53

I say harness the 'strange'! Artists and writers are all slightly bananas - they have to be - when I'm really feeling a bit unanchored and woo from too much solo time i give myself a mad creative project which can focus the mind away from just sitting there looking at itself.

It is honestly so weird finding you lot on here. I too enjoy other people's company but sometimes just can't be bothered/resent having to make the effort of conversation. Sometimes coming up with conversational themes or considered replies feels like a series of huge efforts - like a tired horse jumping the fences around the grand national. Just chatting can really wear me out if I'm not in the mood! My mum always thought my taciturny as a child was rudeness.

ImperialBlether England Sun 12-May-13 22:24:38

I spend a lot of time writing, too, Undertone, and there's always a time when I'm in the middle of it when it seems so much more real than anything else that's going on. Love the idea of the grand national - great image there!

ilikehomecookedfood Sun 12-May-13 22:24:57

Yes, I've found many like that! But I do think the issue is that by and large, everyone is pressured as regards free time, and when we have it, it tends to be at the SAME time (weekends) so couples and families obviously grab that time to do coupley and family things. This in turn means that a lot of stuff available to "do" assumes you have a family to do it with.

But yes, living alone, while it has advantages, does have real downsides as well. My social life is okay - not wonderful, but okay, I have friends, I see them, and I do things I enjoy. But that's set against a backdrop of being alone.

ImperialBlether England Sun 12-May-13 22:28:21

I was with my ex for a long, long time and I found the best parts of socialising would be getting ready together and talking about the night ahead and then coming home together and talking about what had happened. And knowing someone's looking out for you - that's something that just goes when you're on your own.

The other thing I really miss is planning things. I just don't enjoy doing that on my own.

The worst though (christ, I'm going to get maudlin here) is that I don't have anyone to talk to about my memories, about things that happened yesterday or twenty years ago. I feel as though I'm losing them.

Ugh. <shakes head and goes off for a glass of wine>

Imscarlet Sun 12-May-13 22:29:35

Would you rent out a room in your house, being very particular about the type of person you wanted to rent to?

ilikehomecookedfood Sun 12-May-13 22:31:27

Imperial, I feel like that. I have found myself thinking about stupid, random stuff today that means nothing and yet it means a great deal as well, somehow.

The truth of it though if I am honest with myself is that they don't matter, because I don't matter (I'm not being maudlin there, but factual: if I died I have friends who would be a bit upset but that's about it.)

LemonPeculiarJones Sun 12-May-13 22:35:52

I used to love living alone when I was single. I found it bliss, most of the time.

But it does make you so vulnerable to sudden tidal waves of absolute melancholy. I remember that loneliness so well and it's such a struggle to battle.

I guess that's maybe a part of what you're saying: that all the things you do/could do to keep your life varied and interesting and peopled are an effort, and sometimes a struggle. You want some easy, relaxed company, that's just there, and ok.

I used to do stuff, stay involved, but you go on your own of course. And sometimes have to stand on your own amidst it all. I'd think, "This is just another one of those times when I'm standing alone. That's all."

Just wanted to say I know where you're coming from.

JessicaBeatriceFletcher Sun 12-May-13 22:36:31

Think there are several of us feeling very similar thoughts on this one

LesserOfTwoWeevils Sun 12-May-13 22:41:50

Another chronic sufferer of same phenomenon here.
There's a brilliant book about loneliness by a Canadian writer called Emily White whose situation was similar: good job, lots of friends, cats.....but she still struggled. I think she has a blog about it too.

ImperialBlether England Sun 12-May-13 22:42:19

I thought of renting out a room or two, scarlet, but I'd be happier with someone my own age and I doubt anyone my age would be looking for a room in a shared house. That's a great solution when you're in your twenties, though, I think.

ilikehomecookedfood Sun 12-May-13 22:45:36

I don't think I'd really want to rent a room out - I think for me, that would be having all the downsides of living with someone without any of the advantages! I did live with my brother once and that was quite nice really as we did our own thing but just knowing he was there was quite comforting.

Monty27 Sun 12-May-13 22:47:17

Try and make more friends of your ilk? I'm single too, kids grown up, but I have the most wonderful pub nearby grin and can go in there at any time, I know most people, couples and singles. When I have that lonesome feeling I take a walk down there smile

ilikehomecookedfood Sun 12-May-13 22:49:33

That's great Monty, but not very easy to do at all and I imagine with respect if your kids are grown up you are somewhat older than me. I am 33, and my friends have mostly very small children who they obviously cannot leave to go to the pub!

leobear Sun 12-May-13 22:58:22

Would you think of confiding in your closest friends? I did this when I was in a similar situation a few years ago, and it turned out they had no idea how isolated I was feeling. It wasn't a "solution" - as you say, there might not be one, but it did mean they invited me over more, and my married female friends often jumped at the chance of a night out followed by a sleepover at mine.

i bet, if you asked, there are probably some of those mom friends with young kids who'd love some company on a saturday night.

I would love it if my single friends offered to come here with a dvd and a bottle of plonk, because i'm too knackered to go to the pub, or go partying, or i have to get up with the kids in the morning, DH has gone out...etc

I dont like to ask them because honestly.. why would they want to come sit on my sofa and chat when they have a life?

leobear Sun 12-May-13 23:05:20

Exactly, Kansas!

rabbitlady Sun 12-May-13 23:07:31

op, i think you might need some help for your depression. as usual, i haven't read the whole thread but every time someone makes a response, you want to counter it - like this 'you could join a club'/'i have already joined clubs' and you state that you are 'nothing'. i'm not a medic and wouldn't dream of giving advice but i am a person with experience of depression and i will say in passing - get down to your gp and tell him how you feel.

s/he might say 'get out more'. or s/he might take it more seriously. in the meantime, you need to be walking. round the block is fine, you don't need to buy the boots and head for the hills. walking will help.

ilikehomecookedfood Sun 12-May-13 23:09:19

Rabbitlady, the reason for this is because as I said on page 3, (I think?) I don't want solutions, there aren't solutions, it's just a side-effect of a lifestyle. Just as marriage comes with problems, so does being single.

I'm not depressed, thanks for your concern though. I am being honest, albeit brutally so. I am, really, in the scheme of things, very unimportant, as are most of us I suppose.

ilikehomecookedfood Sun 12-May-13 23:11:41

But actually, in some ways that highlights the problem. You CAN'T admit to finding wet, lonely Sundays hard, because people start telling you to join clubs, do voluntary work or walk round the block - even when it is tipping down with rain - or that you must be depressed. So I keep my mouth shut, usually because if I'm lonely it must be my fault?

I know people mean well but the above message does come across when people insist on saying what they think you should do.

It was interesting ImperialBlether mentioned Christmas. I spend Christmas alone and I don't DARE tell anybody that!

MsVestibule Sun 12-May-13 23:11:51

I don't have anything particularly constructive to add, but just wanted to say I understand how you feel. This was me for about 15 years - I bought a house by myself when I was 19 and although there were times when I had boyfriends, I was alone for a lot of it. I volunteered at a hospice on a Saturday afternoon for a couple of hours, which gave a bit of structure to the weekend, but apart from that, nothing.

My one regret is that I didn't join a hillwalking club in that time - I love walking, I'd have met lots of new people and it would have taken up a fair chunk of the day. I'm not saying you should do that, but please make sure that there's nothing you think you'd like to do, but don't get round to it.

I'm now married with 2 young DCs so don't get the chance to do half the stuff I should have done when I had all those free weekends!

ilikehomecookedfood Sun 12-May-13 23:12:45

Oh, I do DO stuff - you can always do something.

christmas on your own? now that isnt on... dont you have family to invite you?

Jeez.. every year i've known a good friend be on their own i've invited them here.. i dont like anyone being on their own at christmas!

ilikehomecookedfood Sun 12-May-13 23:14:55

Arrghhhh! grin This is EXACTLY why I don't dare mention it! Everyone says "ooh come to mine!" and spending Christmas with a bunch of strangers is really, really, really not fun, trust me!

ilike - do you have any pets?

My home felt much more like a 'home' when I got a cat (when I was 34 and lived alone). To be honest, without wanting to sound melodramatic, she revolutionized my life really. I felt much less lonely, and needed. She is such good company and brilliant to veg on sofa with.

I can empathise. I lived on my own for years and it can be grim when the loneliness hits.

I hope things get better for you.

lol, i dont force them here with menace grin i just put the offer out, but i wouldnt ask anyone who was a 'stranger' or an aquaintance.. i only ask close friends who spend a lot of time with me and my kids anyway.. and usually just for christmas dinner and a glass of wine, not the whole day!

Hissy Brazil Sun 12-May-13 23:20:24

I used to feel like this in ,my 30s when I lived in London. I found living in London particularly, the pressure to DO something, be somewhere, with some people is quite high.

I used to go weekends without talking to a soul. sometimes it bothered me, a lot. Sometimes not.

That was then.

What I didn't know then was that I would go on to live an existence in a flat in a city thousands of miles away from everyone I knew, not allowed to go out, or to look out of the window. My longest stint indoors was 10 solid weeks, with only a tiny baby for company. No telly, no phone/internet/email, only a crappy 'P' that would come home late of an evening and make life miserable.

3 years later I got out.

I am now home, free, and well shot of Mr CrappyP. I'm happy. smile

OP. You are young, you are single, free and can get out and about IF you choose.

If you choose not to, that is OK too. This is your life. YOURS. There is nothing wrong with not talking to a soul, if that is what suits you.

Clearly, on a day like today, it doesn't. But the choice is there, the choice is yours. If your life bothers you, DO something about it. You really ARE worth that investment in you.

ilikehomecookedfood Sun 12-May-13 23:20:42

yep 3 cats smile

Kansas, lol at forcing with menace. Seriously though, I have only once gone to someone else's for Christmas and it's utterly miserable. Everyone peers at you with pity, you have to eat horrible food, you're massively in the way ... blush I don't actually mind spending Christmas on my own as I am used to it, but everyone else minds! You might not but trust me some people DO force with menace!

squeakytoy Sun 12-May-13 23:20:52

OP, do you ever invite any of your mates to do anything with you on a weekend?

I am married, but I have lots of single friends.. in fact I would say almost all of my friends are single, but I still socialise with them at the weekends.

ilikehomecookedfood Sun 12-May-13 23:23:07

Hissy, oh dear, I'm trying really hard here but I HAVE FRIENDS. I am NOT some sort of idiot loner-type person sad but you can't just FORCE yourself onto people when they are BUSY.

I'm hiding this thread now, it's upsetting me. Some circumstances are just outside of my control, I just hope those of you who have tried to be helpful but in fact have just issued bossy posts realise that sometimes you can't control everything. I have a happy life mostly but it's LONELY. And you cannot make people care for you - or care for you more than their husbands and children, and nor should they.

I am actually REALLY upset now.

ilikehomecookedfood Sun 12-May-13 23:23:36

other way round for me squeaky, yes, we do sometimes do stuff on a weekend but not every weekend.

OrangeMabel Sun 12-May-13 23:24:34

OP -why do you not want a partner?

GladbagsGold Sun 12-May-13 23:27:26

I can empathise, I have been there. I found the rainy days worst. But I always felt it was better to be lonely by myself, than lonely in a crowd just to be 'doing something'.

If I was one of your 'weekday friends' I would hate to discover you felt you couldn't call me if you wanted a chat just because it was a weekend. I'd feel really sad if a friend was lonely and I could help, and I never knew.

GladbagsGold Sun 12-May-13 23:29:43

Cross posted - so sorry you are upset now. There are lots of people who don't get it, but there are some who do understand. Hugs xx

apostropheuse Sun 12-May-13 23:30:45

I think people are just trying to be helpful OP. Perhaps, like me, they don't really know what you want out of this thread.

ilikehomecookedfood Sun 12-May-13 23:31:28

Gladbags, thanks. I can call friends but the thing is, they are busy, they are spending time with husbands or putting tiny children to bed and even if they can talk it is - an hour? I have a day to fill grin

Sorry for going off on one, I am just getting a bit tired of the insinuations and implications that it is my fault, when someone in a bad marriage isn't subjected to similar scrutiny. Can't you just admit you're finding things a bit rough without it being your fault in some way?

Mabel, it isn't that I'm not wanting a partner but I'm not looking, is all.

ilikehomecookedfood Sun 12-May-13 23:32:09

Asos - I've said a dozen times, at least - it's in my opening post, I just wanted to know I'm not alone.

Monty27 Sun 12-May-13 23:39:50

Wot about having, at least a monthly saturday at yours, pot of something easy, chilli or whatever and wine etc with your girlie friends. Some of them might be delighted with that, as their dp's may have been to the pub or out doing something, golf or whatever during the day. Iyswim.

Just because people are 'holed' up with their partners and dp's etc at the weekend, doesn't mean they'd turn down a Saturday night at their mate's.

I did do London on my own in my 20's, sat in a bedsit from Friday night til Monday morning when I went back to work, I do know what you're talking about.

Saddayinspring2 Sun 12-May-13 23:42:58

It's horrible being alone all weekend.. Too much time alone is depressing.
Also filling it artificially not necessarily the answer.
I don't live alone OP, but I get lonely fairly easily after a couple of days or so and it's not nice .

ilikehomecookedfood Sun 12-May-13 23:44:43

Look, I do sometimes have things like that. Not usually at my place, because despite my username I like home cooked food someone else has made grin but I'd say an average of one Saturday a month I see friends for lunch, shopping, whatever.

That leaves around three Saturdays, and Sundays blank, I go horse-riding on Saturday mornings (couldn't this week because of the weather) but as a rule that fills some time and I enjoy it.

This wasn't intended to be "I never see my mates" it's "I can't see my friends very often because they have other commitments" which is fair enough but I just wish people wouldn't turn it round on me and make out I'm doing something wrong or am lazy because I'm lonely after 48 hours on my own.

2468Motorway Sun 12-May-13 23:45:17

Don't be upset. I'm with someone and I have kids and I don't see my friends on a Sat or Sun night. Mostly because I think they can do something properly fun (not watch rubbish on tv with a take away.) Perhaps I'll ask them soon.

The Christmas thing, that I do understand. Pre-kids I'd cheerfully spend it on my own, there is nothing worse than forced joviality.

ilikehomecookedfood Sun 12-May-13 23:45:18

Sadday - thanks, yes, it's that I'm talking about, artificial time fillers aren't a help at all smile

squeakytoy Sun 12-May-13 23:50:46

you could make new friends...

Alibabaandthe40nappies Sun 12-May-13 23:54:44

OP I don't think anyone is thinking you are lazy.

I know exactly how you feel, I felt it for a couple of years in my mid-twenties, I can remember dreading the weekends and feeling really spaced out and detached from the world by Sunday evening.
Eventually I realised that nothing would change unless I changed something, and so I changed job and altered my life completely.

I suppose I am reading your responses to people and wondering whether you have accepted that this is how your life is - you are happy enough although lonely, or whether you would like things to change?
Don't feel that you need to answer, I don't want to upset you more than you are already.

OrangeMabel Sun 12-May-13 23:55:15

I understand. When you think about it, though, just about everything we do is about filling time, isn't it? I'm married with a DD and bloody hate Sundays. Much of it is spent watching them do the sport they share and I have no interest in.

StuntGirl Sun 12-May-13 23:55:16

Yes but OP if someone was posting about the downsides to married life, people would post suggestions to try and make it better. That's all anyone's doing here.

No you're not alone, there are thousands and thousands of people in your position. Does the solidarity in misery make it any better? I don't know.

I agree with lady you sound very sad and defeatist and I hope you feel better soon.

MsVestibule Sun 12-May-13 23:57:07

I just wish people wouldn't turn it round on me and make out I'm doing something wrong or am lazy because I'm lonely after 48 hours on my own. I honestly don't think people are saying that. We see you're not happy with your weekend situation, and it's human nature to want to help people who are unhappy with an aspect of their lives.

I am just getting a bit tired of the insinuations and implications that it is my fault, when someone in a bad marriage isn't subjected to similar scrutiny. Nobody is insinuating it is your fault, and yes, people in bad marriages on here absolutely are subjected to similar scrutiny! Haven't you been on the Relationships board?

If you're just wanting people to say "there, there, single life can be shit sometimes", that's fine - I know from long experience it can be.

Fleecyslippers Sun 12-May-13 23:58:48

Jeepers folks - RTFT!

OP long weekend days are shit! 'gavel'

Monty27 Mon 13-May-13 00:05:22

Weekends can be lonely for everyone, the elderly, the happily marrieds, the singles, everyone can feel lonely in some way or another, and in a place that they can't leave, whereas you can.

Bit of naval gazing there I think OP.

Saddayinspring2 Mon 13-May-13 00:14:15

Leave her alone.. She is lonely that's all!
Circumstance makes you lonely, if you don't have kids and partner etc. Easy to forget when you are really busy.

thepig Mon 13-May-13 00:19:03

Op sorry but you're being really defensive and not making too much sense, sorry if that sounds mean.

You keep pointing out that you HAVE friends when anyone suggests meeting people, but also that most wkds are spent alone. Ergo this can be solved to some extent by getting out and meeting more people. Or at least don't dismiss the notion.

You don't want a solution but this is MN...you have no choice!

Lastly you're being very upfront about everything but very oblique about relationships. What is the situation here? Your way of talking is quite negative re setting yourself up for disappointment etc. Sorry but most people don't end up in relationships thinking like that.

What comes across most from your posts is not the lonliness...but the negative thought patterns. You're convincing yourself that these thoughts are not negative but are actually realistic, and it's everyone else who just doesn't get this. Sorry but you're likely wrong. You need to work on your self esteem, I won't try and tell you how...sorry to be brutal.

OrangeMabel Mon 13-May-13 00:24:41

The pig - your post is probably one of the most unhelpful posts I've ever read on MN. If you don't mean to be brutal then just don't post.

ActiveTopics Mon 13-May-13 00:25:03

I think there are different kinds of loneliness, if that's any help OP.

I have two very young DCs but am single mum and experience the same phenomenon of not being able to meet up with other families and married friends at weekends as you do. Generally I find the weekends can be a bit lonely and stressful as the only contact is with my two small children, only one of whom can talk abit. Sometimes if I do meet up with friends, afterwards I feel even more lonely because there's no constant presence of another adult any more...

I used to have a different kind of loneliness before I had the children, which was combined with a definite existential angst of not knowing what I was doing with my life really. Now i have children (as a single parent, never had a partner) I do feel my purpose in life is to care for them.

I am abit of a planner, so if I'm not happy in the present, I spend loads of resources making hypothetical plans for the future...even if they don't come off in the end, it passes the time, generates hope, excitement, etc.! The children are in bed by 8 every night and I never leave them then (so haven't been out after this time since the eldest was born nearly 4 years ago), that can be my lonely time as there's no-one to share stuff with: but I find ways of sharing, emailing news to faraway friends, planning etc. Sometimes feel sad but, like you, don't want a partner.

I always used to have Xmas on my own and do now with the children. I used to go away, mainly to have a holiday booked as so many people would offer I go to theirs and I would find it very uncomfortable if I did! It's totally different now with children.

Given you've posted on Mumsnet, are you thinking of having children, perhaps? It's possible without a partner...

D0oinMeCleanin Mon 13-May-13 00:25:32

Get a dog. An unusual colored one will have you talking more than a regular dog.

I got stopped no less than four times in one hour to chat about my latest foster dog and his coloring. Whippy has a playdate with someone's puppy tomorrow as a result of these chats. They need help socialising because they only meet on-lead dogs.

thepig Mon 13-May-13 00:29:24

OrangeMabel - Speaking from experience, please do expand if you have a point to make.

TokenGirl1 Mon 13-May-13 00:51:11

How about googling SPICE? They are a national org with regional groups and I think they do something every day of the year including weekends away at Xmas, Easter etc.

They do dinners, walks, sports, learn a new activity type stuff and weekends away.

It stopped me feeling lonely especially when my siblings were all coupled up and doing family stuff at the weekend. Met some great people too!

Peenoweeno Mon 13-May-13 01:18:09

OP, I believe and understand you. No need to explain or justidy, this is just the way it is, sometimes. Period.

allaflutter Mon 13-May-13 01:25:04

thepig is right thoough about OP's rigidity of thinking, when everything in her OP and posts says that she'd like a relationship. Then why not try chatting to preople on dating sites - trivisal but would fill dsome time on w/ends and will create a chance of meeting the right person or at least meeting people and honing your radar.

Btw a flatmate can also be a great solution if she is also single - why 'no advantages'?? if you get on, you would feel that relaxed presence in the background/someone to beg out with, not quite like a partner but still - so I can see *pig('s frustration with the thread. Loneliness is hard, yes, and I empathise, but why not try more fluid, hopeful thinking that it might not be for forever, instead of not hoping to avoid disappointment - it's more about openness then hoping as such.

allaflutter Mon 13-May-13 01:27:26

veg , not beg - sorry tis very late and pressing double buttons!

KobayashiMaru Mon 13-May-13 01:32:41

I'm not sure I'm following here. It reads to me like "I'm alone, its very hard sometimes, I wish I wasn't alone, I'm lonely" Then "I've chosen to be alone, I don't want a relationship, I don't want suggestions for how to be less alone/lonely".
Don't you see some contradiction there?

Olderkidsaremine Mon 13-May-13 07:10:59

I've read all the posts to see if they can help me out of my 'loneliness' but had to laugh at the go onto a daring website to find someone - exactly what I have done but somehow this weekend managed to get rid of two prospects for dates - one by calling him on his lies (fair enough don't want to start something based on lies) the other by pressing for a meeting but him saying yes to coffee but didn't want to lead me on so probably wouldn't lead to anything else ( again fair enough, honest at least).

Then went to nephews birthday party everyone coupled up, in laws family and when I said I was going no one got up from their chairs to even say goodbye or see me to the door - now that really shows you, what people think about you!

Now its Monday morning, I've tears running back my cheeks writing this and I will go into work in a little while and be all bright and breezy because its what is expected and I don't want to burden anyone with my crappy feeling and because of what other posters have said on here they will try and fix by suggesting clubs etc. That doesn't get rid of the empty feeling when you are in your own home!

RedHelenB Mon 13-May-13 07:22:24

I think the trick is to start liking your own company more.

Olderkidsaremine Mon 13-May-13 07:36:06

I agree - but I love my own company, now one calling on your time, can do what you want etc, but is still doesn't rid of the feeling of loneliness and I think red your glib answer is the reason why people generally keep it very quiet!

chrome100 Mon 13-May-13 07:43:37

I was in your position and what I did was go out and find some single friends who were around evenings and weekends. I joined meetup.com which had a few groups in my area, I went to a socialising one and a walking one - both of which are as cheap as you can make them. I also took up cycling and joined a club as that's pretty cheap once you've got the bike and have met lots of people through that.

allaflutter Mon 13-May-13 12:34:53

I still think that OP should try a flatmate at least short-term and see whether it works, as obviously finding a P is much harder than finding a woman you may get on with. She puts an emphasis of feeling lonely at home with no one to relax over a takeaway/have easy chat with, so going to more clubs isn;t really the answer. Sounds like she wants a friendly presence at home, that's all - like her brother used to be.

But being open to finding a P is also important rather then not letting yourself think of that to avoid future disappointment, that makes you 'closed to possibilities'. Bossy advice? maybe, but it may actually help.

Older, nobody's saying dating sites are the immediate way of finding a P, but you are creating opportuntites, and it can be interesting just to browse and chat, and to open your mind a bit even. You don't have to meet them, unless you really feel like it. In RL you'd also meet enough wankers, no big difference with sites. But yes, it's tough to be in limbo, I understand only too well as been single for 1.5 yrs plus - I fill time with intertests that I can do at home, not just outside, but I think it does help to see this as a phase, this does lighten the mood when lonely. Thank God British TV is so good, especially at this time of year it seems - and the winter is over (yay). I also love to just go on day trips to various towns for sightseeing/shopping , just change of scenery and helps to fill the day.

EldritchCleavage Mon 13-May-13 13:05:13

Oh my, this brings back memories. OP, your post encapsulates what my life was like for YEARS. I am now married and yes, weekends are a blur of family things, with single friends having to be fitted in here and there. DP's experience was the same (Oh, the loneliness of Saturday night at the laundrette).

I'm not going to try and offer solutions (I never really found one, I just saved up some favourite things or treats for Sunday evenings in particular to try and alleviate the feelings of isolation), I'm just going to hear what you are saying, because it is so familiar to me. Listen to Gloomy Sunday by Billie Holiday-sums it up.

I felt like a bystander in my own life and a spare part in everyone else's, despite having a loving family. And that wasn't only about not being in a relationship-it was partly about me and feeling I was someone who could not take my life in the direction I wanted it to go. I dreamed of being one of those free-spirit types, unapologetically capable of fun one-night stands with hot unsuitable men, or someone like my best friend, who only has to be dropped off at a bus stop for 5 minutes to make 7 new friends, 2 of whom she's going on holiday with at Christmas.

RedHelenB Mon 13-May-13 13:15:07

Olderkids - I have had periods on my own in my life & probably will longterm when my kids leave home so I'm not being glib, just practical.

JessicaBeatriceFletcher Mon 13-May-13 13:22:08

Red - I'm sure you didn't mean it to be glib but have to say I took it that way too. I'm an only child. I have very little family. I spent a lot of time on my own growing up. I like myself and like my own company. There are times when I am very happy to spend ages on my own, whether it's sat at home reading a book, or going out for a walk. But it doesn't follow that I want to do that all the time and that there are times when I would desperately want some company or companionship rather than spend yet another Sunday on my own because nearly everyone else I know is married or coupled and/or have kids and therefore it's a family day. I completely get where the OP is coming from.

jacks365 France Mon 13-May-13 13:30:45

Op i understand perfectly where you are coming from. Its not weekends so much as school holidays that get to me. It sometimes makes me thoughtful and wishful especially in bad weather unfit to do anything. I'm not looking for a partner but i still get wistful at times. An adult to talk to would be nice. We are all allowed to feel sorry for ourselves at times.

I have a feeling i may be near you, just in east lancs on the outskirts of Manchester. If so i'm more than happy to have you moan at me anytime you want.

googlyeyes Mon 13-May-13 13:44:43

I've always hated weekends, since I was a child. Thought I was the only one! There's a certain melancholy about a Sunday afternoon/ evening that I find very hard to shake. Even when DH and I first lived together, and I loved being with him all the time, I still planned non-stop activities and meet ups with friends for us throughout the weekend to avoid that melancholy.

Now I have 3 children and I still can't shake the weekend blues! Sat/ Sun mornings are busy with the kids' activities, but the afternoons I find harder, especially Sundays. To try and head the feelings off, I try my best to plan to be out of the house for at least an hour in the late afternoon...even if it's just popping to a coffee shop either on my own or with one of the kids. If we have plans with friends/ family for a Sun afternoon I'm over the moon, especially if it means we won't get home til late evening, when I can feel the weekend is pretty much over.

I think for me it's lack of routine, lack of things I HAVE to do that I find it so hard to cope with. That, and the feeling that everyone else is having a stream of kodak moments with their family and friends throughout every weekend! I find it a huge relief going to bed on a Sunday night, knowing there are 5 days of busyness and activity until the next weekend.

valiumredhead Mon 13-May-13 15:41:55

The point about getting out and joining classes is that you are more likely to meet more people and therefore you widen your social circle and making it more likely to be able to meet up with people at the weekends

It is normal and ok to feel a bit down sometimes but you say that every weekend is like this.

One other thing - are you certain that your friends wouldn't like an invite over for Sunday lunch, or a girlie night on a Fri or Sat? Personally everyone I know is chomping at the bit to get out of 'family life' and would love an excuse to get away for a bit smile x

JessicaBeatriceFletcher Mon 13-May-13 15:55:09

Valium - I wish that were true. I've joined several clubs over the last 3 years since I became single again, particularly to try and find some more single friends (already had loads but all bar one coupled). It is almost impossible to find single people in their mid-30s - mid-40s (or at least round here - may not be the same for OP). People will tend to do things on a Saturday, true, but on Sundays it's impossible to get people out, it's a family day (which I understand).

Why did you say you don't have siblings then go on to say you'd lived with your brother?

ilikehomecookedfood Mon 13-May-13 18:41:49

Lula, my brother died a few years ago now.

Thank you very much to everybody who has understood, as they say, 'where I am coming from' - I realise that it may look negative/miserable to some but the truth is as I've tried to explain, whatever you do and wherever you go it is set against the backdrop of an empty house, of living alone. I've lived with that for oh, over a decade now, I am used to it, I like my own company and it's fine.

But, sometimes, it's really hard. And Sundays, especially wet Sundays when you have a cold and have a bit of a stressful time at work and there's no one there to take your mind off it, are the hardest. I wish I did have friends who could pop round on a wet Sunday evening, but I don't.

I have a dozen or so close friends - I think that's normal-ish, as well as many 'friendly acquaintances.' Out of those dozen close friends, all are in long term relationships. Two don't live in the country and only one is local (I have not lived in the area for long.) I am trying to meet people of course, hence the horse-riding, the exercise classes, Weight Watches (need to lose a stone!)and a cookery class (I still can't cook mind you!) but all of these are in the week apart from horse-riding which is Saturday morning.

The problem is that doing isn't always the answer; a lot of the time you just have to sit on a feeling and wait for it to pass as indeed my 'Sunday' feeling did.

I am not looking for a partner because I feel it's not very productive and so am looking into other avenues to have my own family. I am not adverse to meeting someone but don't feel it is hugely likely at this point in my life.

Saddayinspring2 Mon 13-May-13 20:45:19

Hi OP
Sorry to hear about your brother . It's a shame you are being judged on this thread when you were only asking for a bit of understanding. For some reason people don't like to admit they are lonely and other people admitting it makes them feel uncomfortable.

I agree with someone upthread that at uni I felt a bit lost and lonely sometimes... as a mum with small children a lot less so, and now with a very busy job , only occasionally get it... When someone is negative towards me or when I am overtired. I get this melancholy that I can't even describe , as if life has just worn me out and no one cares. Then the next day everything seems better.

You aren't alone in feeling this way .

valiumredhead Mon 13-May-13 21:11:29

jessica why do the friends have to be single though? As I said earlier if someone arranged something at the weekend I would be gagging to go especially in the evening as would most people I know.

You have a dozen close friends OP, wish I did?!!

As I said before even if you are convinced you won't meet new friends it will help to have structure to your weekend so you don't feel you are just waiting for it to pass.

JessicaBeatriceFletcher Mon 13-May-13 21:25:21

Valium - trying to get anyone who is part of a couple out on a Sunday is like pulling teeth, honestly

GladbagsGold Mon 13-May-13 21:30:07

Make friends with shift workers' partners - I'm married and have endless Sundays on my own!

valiumredhead Mon 13-May-13 21:31:10

You need different friends jessica wink

raisinggirls Mon 13-May-13 21:41:41

OP are you the same person who was asking about IVF via sperm donor a little while ago on here? Your posting style reminded me of her then you said you were looking into "other avenues" to have your own family.

I have a good friend in a very similar situation to you. I don't know what to say really to you, but you're not the only one, (which was your original question).

From the point of view of one of those people who has kids and is also stuck at home, I'm always happy if my friend texts and says can she pop round. She doesn't do it every weekend, so I don't mind at all when she does, it usually makes our weekend a bit different as we do get stuck in a routine. smile

NannyPlumIsMyMum Mon 13-May-13 21:51:15

Gladbags me too smile.

ilikehomecookedfood Mon 13-May-13 22:07:45

Possibly, raisinggirls - I am planning to try for a baby as a single lady using anonymous donor sperm but there seem to be a few threads floating about at the moment with this question so I'm not sure if mine is the one you're thinking of. I have been planning this for a while so I probably didn't ask opinions if you see what I mean, but it depends how far back you're thinking.

Thanks again for the thoughts. I think it's just that small children tend to mean not much spare money and since a lot of my friends are around an hour away people just can't always justify the expense.

I'm sure I'll meet new people around here, especially with a baby which I hope I shall have in the next twelve months or so! grin

raisinggirls Mon 13-May-13 22:17:46

Yes, it was definitely you - you didn't want opinions on your thread, just information.

I hope it all works out for you. smile

theFairyBiker Mon 13-May-13 22:24:06

OP - please don't take this as a criticism; but what are you planning on telling your child when s/he asks about his/her daddy?

thepig Mon 13-May-13 23:09:10

OP tbh I'm struggling to see how you're so resolutely negative about things, and how you think it's possibly a good idea to bring a fatherless child into your life right now.

You say it's too late for a relationship or it won't happen...why? Why not try internet dating...yes another solution but it's worked for lots of people I know, even late in life.

As a parent I can't help but feel desperately sad for the yet to be born child. I know that's not what you want to hear, but at the very least I really think you need to speak to someone before you go ahead. It's slightly worrying that you seem to have no recognition that your rigid way of thinking is problematic, and more so that it won't affect the child who will no other side of the equation...a father...and so will be highly receptive to your way of thinking which seems very unhealthy.

Lonely wkds in will be even more lonely with a baby I can assure you.

SoftKittyWarmKitty Mon 13-May-13 23:20:58

OP, I know exactly where you're coming from. I'm a single parent and have been single for nearly 7.5 years, since I was pregnant. I work and have colleagues that I'm friends with at work but I don't socialise with them outside work much, as I'm a good 10-15 years older than most of them and quite honestly I have no interest in Friday night pub crawls. My friends outside work are all married with kids and if we meet up once a month it's a miracle.

I often feel like you, especially at weekends. Yes I have my DS but it's not the same as having an adult's company, and when he's in bed it's just me, my iPad and the TV. Many a weekend I've gone a full 48 hours without talking to another adult. It can be soul-destroyingly lonely. The strange thing is I'm actually very independent and enjoy my own company. I think you can sometimes have too much of your own company, in just the same way that other people can become irritating if you spend too much time with them.

I've had many suggestions similar to ones on this thread - join a club, go on a course, take up a hobby, start online dating - mostly doled out by my coupled-up friends and colleagues. I'm sure they mean well but I find it all so cliched and ever so slightly flippant, tbh. Even if I wanted to do a night class or attend a social group I have the added complication of needing a baby sitter.

I don't know what the answer is. It's hard. I just want you to know you're not alone.

SoftKittyWarmKitty Mon 13-May-13 23:32:27

ThePig my DS doesn't have an involved father either - his father abandoned me, refused to have anything to do with DS and has never even seen him. My DS is happy, healthy, well-adjusted, bright, friendly, polite and considerate. You don't need an involved father to bring up a child, and bring that child up well. Are you saying single parents aren't allowed to feel any emotions, or that we all, as parents, should be perfect in every way before having a child, lest our emotions and insecurities are passed onto our offspring?

Just because I'm a lonely parent, doesn't mean I'm a bad one. Just because the OP feels the way she feels, doesn't mean she'll make a bad parent or that her feelings will have some kind of detrimental effect on her child.

Notcontent Mon 13-May-13 23:39:48

Hi OP
I am joining this thread late, but just saw it and had to post, because I know exactly how you feel. I am a few years older than you, and I am also a lone parent - but obviously a small child is not quite the same as adult company. Like you, I work, and I do have some friends, but weekends can be quite lonely. I don't think humans are really good at living alone... I found the bank holiday weekend very difficult because I was craving having another adult to talk to. My life wasn't always like this, it's just how things have turned out...

thepig Mon 13-May-13 23:47:05

Kitty I'm sure you're a great parent.

It's not about being a single parent. It's about positively deciding to have and raise a child on your own at a time when you're perhaps not in the best frame of mind.

No one would seriously suggest that's an ideal or even good situation. And that child has no father history at all, no recourse later in life that even an abandoned child has if they desire, and no history that the child of a deceased parent has.

Notcontent Mon 13-May-13 23:47:28

Soft kitty - I just read your post, and you could be my twin...

Can I just say that when I first found myself alone I thought that if I made a huge effort - making new friends, getting out, etc. - then I would be able to build for myself this new, busy, social life. I really did try.

Monty27 Mon 13-May-13 23:52:51

OP so you want a baby to abate your loneliness? shock

Personally, I'm thinking of getting a dog.

Thepig I'm with you on this.

<shakes head and wanders off for a breather>

valiumredhead Tue 14-May-13 08:24:20

I was thinking about this thread last night, OP please give serious thought to having a child on your own, if there is even a tiny part of you that is doing it to alleviate boredom then please don't do it. There is nothing lonelier than being with a small baby on your own having to cope by yourself and that's even with a partner.

ilikehomecookedfood Tue 14-May-13 18:14:43

I don't think I've ever stated that I would be having a child to alleviate boredom; that would be because it isn't true. I'm having a child because I want one, more than anything else. That is true of most people who plan a baby.

If mid/mild depression when poorly on a rainy Sunday is a reason not to have a child then I will answer that charge. However, I don't believe it is. I have given this a great deal of thought, planning and foresight. Note I did not mention my plans on this thread because they are not relevant.

With respect I posted about ONE evening on my life, on ONE weekend of my life and I don't think that tells everything there is about me!

Whoever asked what I would tell the child about their father - the truth.

Ponyo73 Tue 14-May-13 18:50:53

Sorry if this has already been suggested but have you ever thought about fostering. You sound like you have so much to give and they are crying out for good foster parents. I don't have any knowledge or experience on fostering but I bet you would make a great mum.

ilikehomecookedfood Tue 14-May-13 18:52:02

Thank you, that's very kind smile I haven't really thought about fostering due to full time work commitments, I'd love to do it if I wasn't at work full time (and my house was bigger!) x

Hissy Brazil Tue 14-May-13 18:55:17

A child won't stop your feelings of loneliness, a dog, cat, cockatoo.

In fact, if you don't address the core of what you feel and why you feel it, and have the bandaid baby, you'll just damage another human being.

You need to learn to be content by yourself, to accept you as you, and enjoy your own company.

You are NOT ready for a child. You need to learn to be YOU first.

You are so resolute in your negativity, that tbh, I am starting to doubt the veracity of this thread.

ilikehomecookedfood Tue 14-May-13 18:57:23

I am not having a child to alleviate loneliness; please do not make assumptions about my character or what I am ready for based on one evening.

Ponyo73 Tue 14-May-13 19:21:01

Hissy, I agree with you wholeheartedly, it would be so damaging to introduce a child into this world if the OP had issues but what if the bandaid was to give another human love and kindness. What if contentment only came when there was someone she could give love and safety to. I know as a mother, I would feel, well words cannot describe the emptiness I would feel at not having a child. I think the OP has been very brave to open up and basically say, don't want dog, new friends, fed up and the core of what she is feeling is that, I want to be a mum. Sorry if I'm sounding over emotional.

Hissy Brazil Tue 14-May-13 19:24:54

You are the one that started the thread and are STILL banging on about it, now we have a child being brought into the mix for whatever reason.

You are not thinking about anyone except yourself, and tbh, are sounding more petulant and immature the longer this goes on. It's like a kid at a window looking out and saying 'I'm BORED!'

Shedloads of support/ideas/empathy and you have shrugged it all off.

You have your health, a job, a home, friends and hobbies. What screams through all this is that you aren't happy with yourself/your own company and are looking to external sources to fill that hole.

Please STOP running away from the issue. Face it and deal with it. It will transform your life.

The 30's are not easy, when you look at it from a 20 yo's perspective, but tbh, looking back on those years with a 40-odd year old perspective, it's not that big a deal, no need for all the angst and naval gazing. Relax, chill out and let life just 'be'.

Appreciate what you have, learn to love YOU, and it won't matter if it's raining outside, cos it'll be bright INSIDE.

You can change this, YOU and you alone. It's an outlook.

ilikehomecookedfood Tue 14-May-13 19:25:32

Thanks Ponyo - the only thing is that I wasn't, really, talking in this thread about my desire to be a mum. It was Sunday evening; I felt low, a bit ill with a cold and lonely.

I DO want to be a parent, more than anything, and much as I like them, I don't want a dog, I have cats already and I love them but they are not the same as a child and it's a bit crass to suggest they are, really. After all, you don't carry a cat for nine months, give birth to a cat or breastfeed a cat (well, some weird people might! grin) But even more than that, a cat is not a child, your own child. It's quite normal, despite what people want to think, to be a woman in your mid-thirties longing for a child.

I am a very positive and happy person usually, but what can I say, sometimes, being alone can get to you ... that's all this thread was. I know people want to offer a solution but there aren't really many solutions to "Sunday evening, wet, cold, miserable."

ilikehomecookedfood Tue 14-May-13 19:32:25

Hissy, I'm not "banging on" about anything! I'm answering people!

I do quite like who I am actually!

Believe me, I appreciate all I have but to be honest despite me trying to be patient and polite, you are quite fixed in the opinion, really, that I'm a negative, miserable person - based on what was very much a snapshot of both my life and thoughts - I am intelligent and well educated and I trust my judgement with this. If I didn't, well, I wouldn't be doing it.

Since it WAS two days ago, I would be quite pleased if we could maybe draw a line under it?

Saddayinspring2 Tue 14-May-13 19:35:56

Some of your answers seem like you don't want to connect with us at all, although I can see you might be feeling a bit defensive as you want support but not to be pitied or told what to do?

Are you feeling Any better yet! Hope so

Saddayinspring2 Tue 14-May-13 19:37:36

Ah, crossed posts. It's ok to feel like you did, people were only trying to see if they could help alleviate those feelings:-)

Ponyo73 Tue 14-May-13 19:45:01

Crappy, wet sunday(with cold), who is feeling like doin' a jig? You needed to vent and get it out there. Think some posters are just a bit exasperated that they can't give you a resolution to your weekend of woe but you have friends, a good job and a roof over your head. Circumstances might change that will enable you to perhaps think about fostering or adopting. Please look into it. Sorry if I'm saying all the wrong things.

OP ignore posters who are saying you are selfish etc for wanting to go it alone with a child.

Bringing a child into the world is selfish whether you are single or part of a couple - people have children for their own benefit, not the child's.

You sound thoughtful, sensible and like you would be a good mum. I hope it all works out for you.

everlong Tue 14-May-13 21:06:17

Hey OP I hope you feel a bit better now?

I find weekends hard tbh. The constant trying to please everyone, make sure everyone's happy. Then it pisses down. And you have to rearrange plans.

I prefer week days when they're all at work and school smile <misery>

moisturiser Tue 14-May-13 21:16:21

Haven't got the energy to read the whole thread so apologies if it's moved on, I just want to say I know how you feel.

I am alone 95% of the time (have a lodger but don't see them much). I can't work either. Literally, I sit in my house day after day after day alone, other than seeing my carer for a couple of hours a week. And the lodger for the odd half hour. But I'm actually really happy at present, just dumped someone who wasn't right, and I have good friends, lots of groups to [occasionally] go to, lovely hobbies. But there are definitely moments when I want to wail with the utter loneliness of it. It can be a torment. It's usually at night, especially at weekends, and actually hits usually after I've been out because I've had fun and life seems a bit empty suddenly. Plus it does feel like everyone else is with their family at that moment, having a lovely time. I desperately wanted to be married and have children and the children thing definitely won't happen now.

It's like you say, op, when there are hours and hours to fill, you can have hobbies which keep you busy for a bit, but they don't fill the time 24/7. I'm very grateful I like my own company and do have the hobbies I have because I'm completely convinced this life would kill some.

I have been doing a lot of work recently to try and like my situation more than I have in the past because there's no guarantee this isn't forever for me (though I do think I'll meet someone again soon, just a case of getting out) I'd recommend the Book of Silence by Sara Maitland (the idea someone chose my life made me take another look at the positives), and watch 'Ben Fogle, Lives in Wild' too - again more people choosing to be alone and loving it. I constantly try to do new things, and I'm trying to fill the lonely hours with new films and books rather than feeling sorry for myself. I'd kill to be able to foster (not well enough) or have a dog too. They're on the list of 'maybe's for the future.

Notcontent Tue 14-May-13 21:43:00

OP, I hope you are ok. Lots of people here can sympathise with how you feel.

Hissy - it is true that we are all responsible for our own happiness, etc, blah, blah... Yes, it's true that just having a partner will not make us happy. BUT - let's face it - you would have to be a Buddhist monk not to allow external forces affect how you feel. Speaking from a personal perspective, I try to keep busy, and I know that I have many things to be thankful for - but guess what, sometimes on the weekend I just wish I had another adult to have dinner with. I think that's only human!!!
Unless you have been completely alone, it's hard to know what that's really like.

ilikehomecookedfood Tue 14-May-13 22:15:29

Being a Buddhist monk sounds WICKED! grin

Sorry to everyone else who has those low moods/feelings. They are hard, and they aren't even so much about being content with yourself - I think it's just that naturally other people are or can be comforting, a comforting presence, someone to share thoughts and ideas and memories with and a distraction. I've had a hard few weeks work wise and I do have a few work-based anxieties which is probably why I feel most tense/nervous/low on Sunday nights (it makes no logical sense but I do sometimes get worried about the week ahead.)

I promise, I am a very sociable person, I love my friends to pieces, they are absolute rocks but they don't live locally (bar one) and like I've said, I'm trying to meet new people, cookery class, slimming class (grin - the irony!) horse-riding and body combat but it's a long process meeting people and I can't afford to do EVERYTHING - I'd be broke! shock

I think this thread for me was the equivalent of just wanting a bit of human comfort and chat and in hindsight it was a bad idea - should have just posted about funny books or something - but you know smile

SkivingAgain Tue 14-May-13 22:26:55

I find Sundays miserable too. I've started volunteering for Contact the Elderly who host afternoon teas one Sunday a month. Look them up on t'web. It's good fun and the guests have fascinating stories to tell.

Saddayinspring2 Tue 14-May-13 22:41:19

I get the pre work downer sometimes before a difficult week, or after a difficult work situation too.
I love my weekends because I work 1 in 4 of them therefore the relaxation is just bliss when I am home. I used to hate them because they often meant cleaning and arguments!
The bottom line is when we are on our own a LOT it can detach you a bit and feel lonely. It's natural. And you don't see many facebook posts about it !
So thanks for your honesty OP and I hope it helps that so many of us feel the same sometimes depending on circumstances.

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