AIBU to kill DH? Kill him good and proper...

(94 Posts)
MarmaladeTwatkins Sun 12-May-13 19:22:25

He is, apparently, blameless. Free of any wrongdoing. Never at fault. Here are two examples:

1. Last week, we went to Legoland for sunday and monday. On saturday night, I let our 8 month old kitten out at about 10pm then I went to bed. Before I went to bed, I said to DH "Don't forget the cat is outside." We don't have a flap installedyet, the cat meows to come in. Anyway, I wake up the next morning and realise soon enough that moggy isn't in. I say to DH "Did you let the cat in last night?" He says "You didn't tell me to" I did say he was outside. I wasn't telling you as an information service on the cat's whereabouts. It gets to half an hour before we're due to leave and I can't get the cat in. "This is your fault!" I hiss at DH. He says "Don't blame ME" hmm

2. Today, I put aload of DS's washing in, including school uniform. I ask DH to get it out and dry it on radiators whilst I take DS to a party. I get back and DH says "There was some tissue in the wash. It's all got stuck to DS's trousers" I say "Oh ok." assuming that he would have had the sense to wash them again. But no. They are drying on the upstairs radiators, with tissue paper all hardening on them. I need them for tomorrow. You think he'd have stuck them in again on a quick cycle? No. I say "Right... I'LL wash them again or else DS has no school trousers." He says "Don't blame ME" Well, actually, YOU took them out and saw that they were plastered in tissue. Use your fucking brain.

<stab stab stab>

diddl Sun 12-May-13 19:24:58

Does the cat have to come in at night?

Won't the tissue be easier to get off when it & the trousers are dry?

MarmaladeTwatkins Sun 12-May-13 19:26:55

Yes, the cat needs to come in at night. There are a few handy cats on our street and he'll get battered. Our street is the Cat Bronx.

Nah, the tissue leaves a "residue" all over whatever item of clothng it has attached to. A complete re-wash is the only way to get it all off...

ryanboy Sun 12-May-13 19:26:55

Leave the cat out it clearly doesn't want to come in
Let the trousers dry and brush off / sticky tape off the tissue

Diddl, I thought exactly the same!

Softlysoftly Sun 12-May-13 19:27:35

Possibly a bit u to kill him but it fits wine me right up.

The worst is "you didn't TELL me to do it"

Followed by very specific TELLING

Followed by "well I'll do it in my own time or not at all if you are going to go on about it"

ryanboy Sun 12-May-13 19:27:56

is n't the cat hungry when its been out all night

Beamae Sun 12-May-13 19:28:12

You should definitely kill him twice.

Passthesaltdear Sun 12-May-13 19:28:12

Chill out grin

Softlysoftly Sun 12-May-13 19:28:38

Winds me not fit wine confused

MarmaladeTwatkins Sun 12-May-13 19:29:54

Moggy Twatkins isn't really an outdoorsy kind of chap. He goes out for a shit then hides behind nextdoor's planter until we open up to let him in. Also, he got "lost" in nextdoor's garden once. I had to climb over the fence to rescue him. He has no cat sense at all. Honest!

NumTumDeDum Sun 12-May-13 19:30:41

Nah don't kill him. Make him pay. Wash a tissue with his stuff.

Kill him pure dead.

MarmaladeTwatkins Sun 12-May-13 19:32:54

Oh he said "Well it's YOUR fault. You didn't check the pockets!" I did actually. There was no tissue in there confused

But anyway, I maintain that as soon as he saw tissue debris, he should have had the brains to re-wash. But I suppose the Formula 1 wasn't going to watch itself, was it? wink

JustinBiebermakesmevom Sun 12-May-13 19:32:59

Wash a cat shit with his stuff.....

deleted203 Sun 12-May-13 19:33:25

I'm still impressed that he remembered to get the wash out and hang it on radiators, I'm afraid. My DH would have said, 'Aye, nae bother,' and it would have gone out his head the minute I walked out the door.

I'd have got back in to find it lurking wetly in the machine.

PoppyWearer Sun 12-May-13 19:34:12


Nyancat Sun 12-May-13 19:35:08

Kill him then come kill mine who has just wrecked my new black coast dress by sticking it in the washing machine and at the same time wrecked a new and vv lovely and expensive cream top by putting it into the same wash because it was 'cream not white' and therefore didn't go in with white clothes! Feeling very stabby!

JessKM Sun 12-May-13 19:35:17

numtum has the right idea! But make sure it's something vital like a work suit or uniform...and hide all his spare ones grin

Or leave him out in garden all night!? hmm

shelli135 Sun 12-May-13 19:37:50

You have to give full instructions, using initiative is far too much to ask.

'Can you take the bin out'

Takes bin out but doesn't replace bin liner angry

And I get 'well you didn't tell me to'


MarmaladeTwatkins Sun 12-May-13 19:38:18

Nyancat shock

Nyancat Sun 12-May-13 19:39:22

I know! I'll kill yours if you do mine, it'll be the perfect crime!

PoppyWearer Sun 12-May-13 19:40:12

Nyancat and the OP can make a pact to kill each others' DHs and then we just need MNHQ to delete this thread and you'll get away with it scot-free possibly. wink

MarmaladeTwatkins Sun 12-May-13 19:40:19

PM me your address.

PoppyWearer Sun 12-May-13 19:40:28


MarmaladeTwatkins Sun 12-May-13 19:41:50

Evil Great minds think alike!

Nyancat Sun 12-May-13 20:06:09

I'm in Ireland, maybe we could both get a holiday out of it too! Everyone's a winner!

ImTooHecsyForYourParty Sun 12-May-13 20:31:14

Can I have him alone in a room for 10 minutes please?

<shines light in his eyes>

so, MrTwatkins, does the cat normally stay outside overnight?

When Marmalade said to you "don't forget the cat is outside", why did you think she was giving you this information?

So you knew the cat was out, and you knew Marmalade had gone to bed? And furthermore, you know that the cat does not stay out overnight?

So, I ask you again, why did you think Marmalade, on her way to bed, alerted you to the fact that the cat was outside?

PurpleSwift Sun 12-May-13 20:31:26

you're being ott.

Fakebook Sun 12-May-13 20:32:53

Get a drier.

fuzzywuzzy Sun 12-May-13 20:41:44

Seriously, I'd start doing the same with anything he tells you. Unless he specifically requests you act upon any information he supplies I'd just use it as information and reply 'but you never told me to'....that is infantile and ridiculous, does he expect you to treat him like an adidtional chidl about the house?

Saidar Sun 12-May-13 20:43:23

grin Hecsy

wonderstuff Sun 12-May-13 20:48:57

Nyancat I want to kill your DH for that! I would be annoyed at the cat thing, I would lint roll for the tissue, but that isn't the point, it's the depending on you for all things domestic isn't it?

'Im impressed he got the wash out' so depressing that this simple chore is in any way impressive sad

ImTooHecsyForYourParty Sun 12-May-13 20:49:08

Yeah, <cracks knuckles> hand him over, I'll break 'im.



1. You should have got the cat in yourself. Why didn't you? Had your leg dropped off?

2. The tissue in the pocket was your fault.

If you want something to kill, perhaps you're aiming at the wrong target.

Cailinsalach Sun 12-May-13 20:54:27

Ok. After all these justified killings, where will we put the bodies? Especially now that they are doing DNA tests on burgers and lasagnes?

Tins of petfood!!!

Anyone know how to can food?

freddiefrog Sun 12-May-13 21:15:03

If I can kill mine, you can kill yours.

Earlier I put some spuds on to boil for roasties. Asked DH (who was in the adjoining dining room plying Candy Crush on the computer) to "keep an eye on the spuds for me" while I went upstairs to sort out kids' school uniform.

Came down to find the spuds had boiled over, all over the hob

Asked him why he hadn't checked them to be told he had, they were boiling. Asked why he didn't remove saucepan lid/turn down heat, he replied "you didn't tell me to"

I honestly didn't realised he needed that level of detail to be honest

Lj8893 Sun 12-May-13 21:25:12

As the washing machine finished its cycle earlier my dp said....

"Did you put some of my stuff in that wash?"

Me: "yes it's mainly your stuff"

Him: "ahh brilliant because I've got nothing for tomorrow, so can you make sure when you hang it all on the airer my jeans are closest to the radiator please"


I've yet to take the washing out yet, an actually might not bother now!

HoHoHoNoYouDont Sun 12-May-13 21:27:13

YANBU to kill him then kill him again. grin

PetWoman Sun 12-May-13 21:32:47

My DH has done all the housework and gardening today, put DS to bed and resettled him an hour later. (I just looked after DS and MNed all day). But he has been truly horrible about it and tbh I wish he wouldn't bother and was nice instead. sad

Gruntfuttock Sun 12-May-13 21:39:39

Lj8893, I can't work out what was wrong with your dp saying that. What am I missing please?

Lj8893 Sun 12-May-13 21:41:30

I did his washing and then he just expected me to be the one to hang it all on the airer and radiators.

NicholasTeakozy Sun 12-May-13 21:42:37

YANBU in the slightest. Us blokes should at least show initiative. NyanCat, shock, just shock. Words fail me.

Pigsmummy Sun 12-May-13 21:55:08

Last night I was shivering in bed as I am unwell. Sent text to DH asking him to put heating on then turn it to "twice" setting when he came to bed (he was watching a shite film (no not "that" kind) downstairs) an hour later I still couldn't sleep due to cold, had extra blanket and socks on at this point, so I sent DH a further message asking if he turned the heating on, he bloody hadn't! I was v grumpy, I should have just got up and done it myself but thought that I would get even colder. Then to top if off I wake up less than three hours after nodding off sweating and coughing as he had bloody left it on, the house was a sauna.

His response "don't blame me"............

InkleWinkle Sun 12-May-13 21:56:12

Or at least OTT. A few threads on MN particularly this weekend should tell you not to joke about it.

BlackeyedSusan Sun 12-May-13 22:16:36

he obviously needs more practice.

BonaDea Mon 13-May-13 04:37:43


pofacedlemonsucker Mon 13-May-13 04:46:14

You texted your dh from upstairs? confused


And I expect you complain whenever your DH objects to you assuming he's going to do something.

Timetoask Mon 13-May-13 05:50:20

When tha tissue incident has happened to me, I find that subsequent washes do not clean it off. Best to dry and wipe off with a flannel. So your DH was right!

batter him with a baguette and eat the evidence!

GingerBlondecat Mon 13-May-13 07:10:53

"Don't Blame Me"

Well who am I gonna Blame. Your fartin socks already killed the cleaning fairy.

Lj8893 Mon 13-May-13 08:53:23


Umm no I don't actually, I treat everything fairly in my household, in fact I do all the housework, and my dp does alot (but not all) of the cooking. But again I don't expect him to do the cooking, I always ask him nicely who's cooking and what shall we have.

But thanks for the attack!

MarmaladeTwatkins Mon 13-May-13 11:18:58

"1. You should have got the cat in yourself. Why didn't you? Had your leg dropped off?

2. The tissue in the pocket was your fault"

1. The cat was still outside doing his business when I went up to bed.

2. I did NOT find any tissue in the pockets when I searched them, if you read carefully.

InkleWinkle, sorry I must have missed all of the actual, serious threads about MNers killing their husbands over trivial matters.

MarmaladeTwatkins Mon 13-May-13 11:20:31

Lj, I am with you.

You've washed his things. The right response would have been "Cheers for washing my stuff, Lj. Anything I can do?" Not instructions on how best to dry his clothes.

<cracks knuckles>

Cats are much safer locked in at night, most cats that get run over get run over at night, it is also when they are most likely to kill wildlife, why wouldn't you lock the cat in at night.

SooticaTheWitchesCat Mon 13-May-13 11:44:36


I would never have let my cat out at 10pm and gone to bed. My cat is in well before dark.

I wouldn't have rewashed something with a tissue on, I would have waited until it was dry and shaken it then lint rolled it.

MarmaladeTwatkins Mon 13-May-13 11:55:22

I do lock the cat in at night! I let him out for the toilet at about 10pm and fetch him back in about quarter of an hour later.

I obviously do lock him in or else I wouldn't be pissed off that DH hadn't got him back in. confused


You're all assuming that EVERYONE owns a frigging lint roller. Everyone does not own a lint roller.

Lj8893 Mon 13-May-13 11:56:36

Thank you marmalade, glad I'm not the only one that realises we arnt living in the 50s!

Lj8893 Mon 13-May-13 11:57:58

Before I get a thrashing about the 50s comment, I used that era as a reference to "somewhere that's green" in little shop of horrors.

IvorHughJarse Mon 13-May-13 12:04:27

I sympathise. DH moves things constantly. Only my things. Not his. Not DSs. Mine.

I will leave a book on the sofa because that is where I like to read my book.

He will move it.

'Where is my book?'
'I haven't seen it.' ALWAYS 'I haven't seen it.' Well yes you HAVE seen it because it's the same book I've been reading all fucking week, I've been holding it every time you've waffled on at me about work/the wonky streetlight outside/your annoying colleague. You took it off DS when he was trying to hit the cat yesterday. YOU HAVE DEFINITELY SEEN THIS BOOK. And not only have you SEEN it you have MOVED it.

Every. Fucking. Day. He moves. SOMETHING then denies it.


IvorHughJarse Mon 13-May-13 12:05:08

Sorry, that wasn't really relevant, but it was cathartic! blush

You should nuke him from orbit -it's the only way to be sure.

My DH did this once with the dog. I let her out, let him know and toddled off to bed, only to be woken at two in the morning with one hysterical doglet screaming in the garden.

He didn't realise he had to let her in again, so he said. Is she a frigging guard dog now? I spat asked nicely. Should we just shove her little whippet arse outside in the evenings in case someone breaks into the garden? Hmm? HMM?

MarmaladeTwatkins Mon 13-May-13 12:17:49

grin Ivor.

LOL also at "nuke him from orbit"

SirChenjin Mon 13-May-13 12:24:34

YANBU - the bastard deserves to die. This goes wayyyyyy beyond LTB.

Mosman Mon 13-May-13 12:42:12

How does nuking from obit work exactly ... Just interested you understand, no reason for my asking

Nagoo Mon 13-May-13 12:49:41

Mine bought me 4 individual puddings (I've had my teeth out and can't eat proper food very well) and only one individual pot of custard.

What the FUCK was he thinking about?

MarmaladeTwatkins Mon 13-May-13 13:02:02

Was he thinking about his beach body?

MonstrousPippin Mon 13-May-13 13:20:14

I always need to give intricate detail or I just get "I don't know".

On my way home from work going past the shop. He's at home:
<me>"Do we need milk"
<him>"I don't know"


<me>"Can you go to the fridge, open it, look inside, find the milk bottle and see how much is in it? Then can you tell me how much is in it and clearly I will have to decide if we need more".

This happens with absolutely everything. Ask a question to which I hope he'd have a look because he's nearer / within range to see, just get "I don't know".

"What time is it"
"I don't know"
"Please can you look at your watch and tell me where the big hand and little hand is". (I don't have a watch at the mo - it broke).


MonstrousPippin Mon 13-May-13 13:21:14

Sorry for derail but like IvorHughJarse I hugely sympathise Op.

MarmaladeTwatkins Mon 13-May-13 13:30:08

It's not derailing. We're supporting one another. <sistahs>

Nagoo Mon 13-May-13 13:30:20

It clearly wasn't his intellect that attracted you, eh pippin?

pfffft at beach body.

peeriebear Mon 13-May-13 13:41:22

I have delayed rage at something that DH did WEEKS ago.
I had bought some brand new huge D cell batteries for one of DS' pieces of baby equipment.
DH put some in a torch to see if it worked. It didn't. So he PUT THE TORCH BACK IN THE CUPBOARD with the brand new fully juiced batteries in it, knowing the fucking torch was broken.
I cleaned the cupboard out, tested the torch, assumed the batteries were dead and binned them.
WHY didn't he just take the fucking batteries out again and bin the broken torch?
WHY did he put it back in the cupboard??
Rage rage rage!! Brand new batteries in the bastard bin. I could have just burned my cash in the garden.

NoobytheWaspSlayer Mon 13-May-13 13:47:40

Last week was school photos for DS1 & 2 - I heard the night before from another Mum that DD (baby) could maybe be in the pic too. I asked DH when he was doing school drop off if he could ask if this was ok. I laid out a beautiful outfit for DD and kept her in her breakfast scruffies so she didn't get it dirty. He KNEW this - I showed him the outfit.

Can you guess whats coming next?

Yes - he took DD with her brothers into the school for drop off (she loves the walk) and they had the picture done there and then, her in her scruffy clothes, covered in breakfast with mismatched hair clips and a snotty nose.

The most galling part is that we live within spitting distance of the school - if he's just called me to say the pic was happening now, I could have been there in - oh - 30 seconds?


MarmaladeTwatkins Mon 13-May-13 13:51:44

WaspSlayer is winning in the gormless husband stakes. Keep 'em coming. Any gormless wives too, men MNers. Don't want to be accused of man-hating.

Yes, definite death penalty.

I get 'where's the keys? butter, coat, wallet, fucking dog, kids anything...before he's even cast an eye around the place, drives me mad!!

Am thinking about orbital nuking now.

BreconBeBuggered Mon 13-May-13 14:05:35

Initiative isn't always a good thing in a spouse. Mine was astonished at my lack of gratitude when I was hunting under the stairs for last year's summer flatties, barely worn due to crappy weather. 'Oh, I took them to the tip. They looked a bit bent', he said proudly, when asked if he'd seen them. Gormless or merely fuckwitted? I can't decide.

peeriebear Mon 13-May-13 14:12:11

Oh and DH has finally, after several years, conceded that he might have, by accident, taken my original 70s Wrangler denim jacket to the charity shop. "If I did, it was an accident." It accidentally fell off the hook from underneath the winter coats, fell into your hand and you fell through the door of a charity shop?! angry It was my mum's!!

Lj8893 Mon 13-May-13 14:15:31

This morning I was in the bedroom and dp shouted through from the bathroom (out flat goes bedroom, lounge, bathroom) where's a towel?!
Umm hanging on the bathroom door where there's always one!
After he had left for work I went into the lounge to find said towel soaking wet chucked on the lounge floor!


MarmaladeTwatkins Mon 13-May-13 14:16:16

"They looked a bit bent" grin

bugsyburge Mon 13-May-13 17:07:06

this has cheered me up no end!!!!

on the rare occasion that my oh has the initiative to partake in any sort of housework im am given the grand tour on my arrival home from work.
he drags me round the house while proudly announcing each and every thing that he has done while looking at me expectantly.
i would like to say that if i played him at his own game he would get the message but im afraid he is just too thick skinned.
oh and has anybody else noticed that regardless of what else hubbys do at home ironing and cleaning the loo is a no no?

TheDoctrineOfSnatch Tue 14-May-13 07:15:59

DH does the ironing here.

The cleaner cleans the loo grin

OrangeLily Tue 14-May-13 07:20:51

DH does the ironing here too!

ChairmanWow Tue 14-May-13 07:31:53

Not quite housework-related, but my DH is a CD wrecker. He never puts them back in their cases and onto the shelves, they are just left lying around, sometimes even on the floor. I find them scratched to bits and it drives me demented. Then he denies all knowledge and blames me! Aaaaargh! I ALWAYS put them away. He is slowly ruining our music collection. And it's apparently my fault. My fault for marrying the bastard.

I have to tell him when it's time to change his towel because it stinks, sometimes even his clothes (the other day I had to remind him that he'd been wearing the same t-shirt for a while and it was rancid). I put his dressing gown on last week and it stank of sweat. What is wrong with his sense of smell? It's like living with a bleeding student. A 40 year old student.

punter Tue 14-May-13 07:37:40

OK here is my example. DH getting ready to walk the lab puppy.
'Can you get me some treats for him?'
'Have we (!) got a poo bag?' - yes they are in the hall table drawer like every time you ask.
'What's the weather like? Do I need a coat?'
Cue much muttering about not being his mother etc etc and being told to cheer up and not be argumentative.
'Should I wear sunglasses?'
The puppy has now laid down realising that the walk is some way off.
With all this robust conversation DH has decided he needs to go to the loo so disappears off.
Eventually leaves the house with puppy and I am tempted to change the locks.

SoupDragon Tue 14-May-13 07:47:31

Did he actually acknowledge you saying the cat was out?

And did the tissue materialise from nowhere whilst the wash was on? I imagine not.

And yes, the thread (whilst clearly not serious) is in rather poor taste given recent events on MN.

punter Tue 14-May-13 07:54:11

What recent events SoupDragon?

CuntChops Tue 14-May-13 13:30:19

hmm at recent events??

MarmaladeTwatkins Tue 14-May-13 14:02:42

A dear MNer sadly lost her DP at the weekend. I think that is what SoupDragon is alluding to.

CuntChops Wed 15-May-13 09:31:55

Ah, yes fair enough.

weisswusrt Wed 15-May-13 12:56:16

So, I wont kill him, but violently shake my DH by the shoulders....after having a long, bitter argument about who had lost the car keys (he has them in his pocket during whole drama) I find him PLANTING the keys in my handbag! Too ashamed to admit being wrong he tried to frame me!

digerd Wed 15-May-13 13:22:01

DH brilliant at mending things , Self Assembly, DIY, and packing the shopping neatly in boxes in the car boot.

Me hopeless at all those things.

CuntChops Fri 17-May-13 07:21:51

weisswurst LTB!!!

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