AIBU to think if your Daughter was grieving you would ring her?

(88 Posts)
puzzled365 Sun 12-May-13 18:41:20

I have name changed because the topic may out me in RL!
If your Daughter's Husband died recently and she was alone with small children, would you ring every day to check they were OK?
Just genuinely wonder if that's the way to go or to let them ask for help?

gordyslovesheep Sun 12-May-13 18:42:47

I would be by her side

DeskPlanner Sun 12-May-13 18:42:54

Yes, I'd ring her. Is it your daughter ?

I wouldn't ring every day, but certainly every other day.
Sorry for your/her loss Xx

starfished Sun 12-May-13 18:43:10

Mix of ringing, texts and emails but yes communication every day.

Greenkit Sun 12-May-13 18:43:16

Bugger ringing, I would be there helping her through.

Is the daughter you? If so Im so sorry for your loss x

God, I'd like to think so. In fact, I'd be at her house as much as I could manage, I think (assuming that was possible)- but a lot would depend upon our relationship and personalities.

Ring? I would be physically there as long as she wanted/needed me. After that I would ring as often as she wanted me to, I would ask her if she minded me calling everyday.

Lilypad34 Sun 12-May-13 18:45:42

Grief is such a personal journey I think depending on how close mother and daughter are I'd either be with her or led by her, sometimes you don't want to talk, no matter who they are.

Lj8893 Sun 12-May-13 18:47:03

Yep, I would be by her side until she didn't want me there anymore.

My mum would do exactly the same, in fact she would be there even after I had asked her to go!

ImTooHecsyForYourParty Sun 12-May-13 18:47:13

No. I wouldn't ring her.

I'd already be with her. But saying that if she wants me to leave, I will, and making it very clear that I will do whatever it is she wants me to do and that I am there for her, for whatever she needs or wants me to do.

A phone call doesn't cut it, imo.

Dams Sun 12-May-13 18:47:21

I would be there for her as much as she wanted me to be. I would certainly text her every day to make sure that she was ok and to see if she needed anything. I wouldn't ring because sometimes, in those circumstances, you just don't want to speak to anybody.

peachypips Sun 12-May-13 18:48:10

If it was one of my DSs I wouldn't phone- I would get straight in the car and be there as long as I was wanted/needed. I wouldn't wait to be asked, I'd go immediately.

Fairylea Sun 12-May-13 18:48:24

Yes I'd ring definitely. I'd like to be there for her and I'd stay for as long as she needed me but at the same time I'd offer and let her ask me as I'd hate her to feel imposed on by me when she might want some private time.

quoteunquote Sun 12-May-13 18:49:47

It depends, it can be very invasive and wearing having to cope with other perceptions of the situation,

I would ask them to let me know if I was being overbearing contacting each day, as it can be hard if you have just settled down, and the phone goes yet again, and you have to revisit each new emotion,

Pace yourself on the support as it is a very long haul through grief.

Tiredtrout Sun 12-May-13 18:50:15

If my daughter wanted me to ring her I would but I'd most likely be with her. Hope you are ok

SgtTJCalhoun Sun 12-May-13 18:50:36

I hope I would be with her, that she would want that. Yes I would call every day if I wasn't physically with her until she told me to stop.

ImperialBlether Sun 12-May-13 18:51:02

I'd be there for as long as she wanted but if I wasn't there I'd phone more than once a day. Of course - who wouldn't?

mrsslc Sun 12-May-13 18:52:09

Not unreasonable at all.
My mum, and me as a mum myself, would be there doing everything possible.
Even if she thought I wanted to be alone, there's still the children and the house to help with.
Like many others have said, no phone call needed :-)

apostropheuse Sun 12-May-13 18:52:29

Really it would depend on the daughter. She may not want to her mother to ring every day. I would ask her what she was comfortable with/wanted and follow her wishes.

I wouldn't necessarily be physically with her every day though due to work commitments.

frogspoon Sun 12-May-13 18:52:44

Depends how recently.

Immediately following the death I think it would be ideal to be physically there everyday, staying overnight if she wants, in order to help her with sorting out funeral arrangements and helping her with the kids.

In the next couple of weeks following the funeral should be phoning/ communicating every day and visiting at least once a week. If possible doing things like bringing cooked meals over and taking the kids to/from school/nursery/clubs etc. Just little things that would help to make things easier at such a difficult time.

After a couple of months, reduce phone calls down to e.g. every other day, unless she wants them to call more often.

Key thing would be going with her wishes, and making sure they are there to support her and kids.

ClaraOswald Sun 12-May-13 18:52:45

It would depend how recently, but would certainly call every other day at least.

Not always ask Do you need help, just chat about anything.

MunchkinsMumof2 Sun 12-May-13 18:53:30

I would be by her side in a heartbeat and wouldn't leave until she was ready. I'm very sorry for your loss and I hope your parents come good for you.

I would be at her side ( if she needed me there )
Or ringing every couple of hours day

sue52 Sun 12-May-13 18:54:05

I would do all I could to get her through.

usualsuspect Sun 12-May-13 18:55:37

I would be by her side, for as long as she needed me.

thebody Sun 12-May-13 18:55:48

Oh my god, I would be with my child and I would stay until they wanted me to leave.

So so sorry xx

noddyholder Sun 12-May-13 18:56:24

I would with my ds as long and as often as he needed no matter what. My mum wouldn't.

puzzled365 Sun 12-May-13 18:56:37

Thank you for the replies. I'm struggling to cope and my parents have not called me for 4 days other than to tell me I'm being cruel to my dog for leaving him in kennels while I get house sorted etc. I'm on my knees but just wondered if I was expecting too much?

MunchkinsMumof2 Sun 12-May-13 18:58:29

Where are you Puzzled? If I'm near I can help you x

thebody Sun 12-May-13 18:58:35

This sounds just awful op.

ApocalypseThen Sun 12-May-13 18:59:22

I'd want my mam. I can't imagine dealing with something like that without her. Even if it seemed like I didn't, I'd want her above all people.

McNewPants2013 Sun 12-May-13 19:01:59

I am sorry for your loss, if it was my DC I would be there.

It is not cruel to leave your dog in the kennels, so don't start dwelling on that.

thebody Sun 12-May-13 19:02:16

Have you siblings? Good friends? Fantastic support on the bereavement section op. can't believe your parents are like this.

ImTooHecsyForYourParty Sun 12-May-13 19:03:00

Holy crap. You're grieving the loss of your husband and all your parents can do is phone you up to bitch about the DOG?

I think you should tell them to go get stuffed.

lougle Sun 12-May-13 19:03:22

Oh Puzzled. You are not expecting too much. Can you post your rough location - I'm sure one of us might be near by smile

Alibabaandthe40nappies Sun 12-May-13 19:05:41

Oh OP sad I'm so sorry for you loss.

Whereabouts are you?

Molehillmountain Sun 12-May-13 19:07:14

Not expecting too much at all. There's just a chance that, if you remove the nonsense about the dog, who will be just fine in kennels, btw, they might be thinking you want space or waiting for you to take the lead. Still wrong, but better intentioned wrong.

WafflyVersatile Sun 12-May-13 19:09:16

So sorry for your loss and lack of support. How supportive are they normally? Are they normally hands off? Maybe they feel they would be intrusive or just feel they would be useless? Have you asked for support?

Did they phone up especially to tell you you were being cruel to the dog (you're not by the way) or just thoughtlessly express sympathy for the dog at a time that you just don't need that and feel so fragile already?

Do you have others you can lean on just now?

Oh I'm so sorry Puzzled. If you are anywhere near me and there's anything I can do to help I will, please post a rough area.

Are your parents normally so useless? Is it possible they are just at a complete loss and have no idea what to do?

ExcuseTypos Sun 12-May-13 19:11:40

Oh you poor thingsad. Of course your parents should be helping you. I would be honest and tell them you need help.

Also, do you have any friends nearby who would help?

youarewinning Sun 12-May-13 19:15:36

Oh puzzled I'm sorry for your loss sad

I'd jut be blunt and tell them you need them right now - there with you. Like lurked said it may be they have no idea what to do.

Arion Sun 12-May-13 19:16:06

I'm Derby, if I can help, let me know.

MiaowTheCat Sun 12-May-13 19:19:34

Sadly I know my mother wouldn't. She'd roll in at the end and criticise how I dealt with everything though.

Most compassionate mothers would - but there are those out there who aren't... sorry you've got one of those puzzled. I don't know if your mum's like mine in how she'd respond to a straightforward "I need help" - is that worth trying?

If you post your rough location there are people on here who want to rally round for you.

ClaraOswald Sun 12-May-13 19:19:54

Where are you located?

puzzled365 Sun 12-May-13 19:20:29

Again, thank you. My mother does blow hot and cold but I am saddened by their lack of concern for the DCs if not for me.
I have a couple of really good friends in RL who do ring me each day and who I see on school run etc, but they have families etc so I don't feel I can ring up randomly.
I think my OP was just a way of asking whether I was being a needy "child" or if its normal to expect to not have to ask for help, iykwim.

thegreylady Sun 12-May-13 19:20:59

I would ring at least once a day but I would be with her if she would let me-for as long as she needed me.

foslady Sun 12-May-13 19:21:20

What county Puzzled? I'm N Lincs if that's any good, or if there's any general help we can give, please just ask, you have enough on

PS - the dog'll be fine - best place for it at the moment

wonderstuff Sun 12-May-13 19:22:15

Sorry for your loss. I'd want to be there if at all possible if it was my dd. my mum constantly worries about interfering to much and would never call me everyday I don't think, but shed be happy for me to call or go stay with her.

everlong Sun 12-May-13 19:23:17

God I'm sorry OP.

Sometimes people just make me speechless. I don't get it.

Some of the things they say or do or don't do in tImes of someone's grief are unbelievable.

wonderstuff Sun 12-May-13 19:24:27

If I was one of your mates with family I'd be happy for you to call me randomly x I'm in Hampshire you're near and I can help I will.

Scruffey Sun 12-May-13 19:25:23

My dh left us, so very different situation but my mother was here every single day for a while. Even my wayward father (they're divorced) came twice in one week. I am appalled your parents are not helping you in your far worse situation.

You probably can ring your rl school run friends whenever you need. If you feel that ringing is hard send a text asking if they are able to talk/help. I would certainly help my friends in this situation.

everlong Sun 12-May-13 19:25:31

Try not to focus on what she's not doing.
You need all your strength to cope at this time. Sadly you can't change people.

Lean on your lovely friends.

LineRunner Sun 12-May-13 19:26:34

puzzled If I am near you and I can come and help you out I will, gladly.

Your parents are being pretty odd and unreasonable, and it may be that you have to tell them what it is that you want them to do - my dad is like this - i.e. stop wittering on about the dog and actually come and be nice to me and the DCs.

phantomnamechanger Sun 12-May-13 19:28:34

I'm so sorry for your loss OP, and that this is being compounded by your feeling that your parents have let you down when you need them.

Are you usually very close? How long since you lost your DH? Is this maybe a generational thing - they think that you should be strong and get on with things by now? They may think that you need the space to sort yourself out, that they have to let you go it alone? They may be scared of overstepping the mark and interferring(though the dog comments don't sound like it)

I know that when we had a very late miscariage, some people thought we should be "over it" once the funeral had happened. yes life has to carry on but we dont just bounce straight back from these things - you will have bad days and less bad days. eventually the less bad days are more frequent than the bad days.

I hope you have lots of lovely friends around you helping you.
I am sure you will find a supportive friend on here at any time of day or night if you need to rant, complain or just have someone for virtual handholding (hugs)

StuntGirl Sun 12-May-13 19:31:12

I'm so sorry for your loss puzzled flowers

You're not asking too much at all, your parents are doing far too little.

Would it be possible to literally spell it out? Call them and say "Mum, Dad; I'm really struggling. The dog is the least of my concerns right now. I need help. Can you give me that?"

If not, fuck them off and lean on those who are truly supportive. Don't worry about your friends having family of their own, they will want to help and support you. Surround yourself with the people who really love you, you need that right now. x

exoticfruits Sun 12-May-13 19:32:32

Of course they should puzzled. I am so sorry -I have been in your position. People say 'call me any time if you need anything' but it is useless-you don't feel up to it, it is much better if they call you.
It would be worth a look at WAY foundation a self help group for young and widowed. I have no personal experience, it wasn't around when I was a widow, but I found talking to others in the same situation the best help.

snufflepops Sun 12-May-13 19:33:21

Puzzled - Firstly I am really sorry for your loss.

Please don't feel you can ring up friends randomly - especially if they have families.

I am sure most people will 100% want to help you.

Handling grief or just getting through the day minute by minute can be a huge physical and emotional ordeal and so I think posting here is brave and positive.

Some people are better than others at offering help but please seek it out when you can for you and your children.

And ofcourse the dog is being looked after!


phantomnamechanger Sun 12-May-13 19:33:39

I don't feel I can ring up randomly if you were my friend I would want you to feel you could.

as for the dog, you are doing the responsible thing - thats one extra thing you just cant cope with at the moment and he is being well cared for right where he is, so ignore that remark - maybe it was their careless way of hoping you were getting back to some semblance of normality and routine

exoticfruits Sun 12-May-13 19:37:20

If you have been there you know that you can't just ring up people randomly, however much they tell you to-it is all too much. If you have friends who are in OP's situation you do need to contact them. The best ones were the ones who phoned and said 'I am going an hour, do you want to come?'-even saying 'do you want to come next Tues?' is a bit difficult-you live day by day-the future is impossible to deal with.

gordyslovesheep Sun 12-May-13 19:39:18

oh how Sad xxxx

If I am near (Tamworth) and can help please say x

TeamEdward Sun 12-May-13 19:40:10

So so sorry for your loss. sad

I'm in East Sussex if that is any help to you?

everlong Sun 12-May-13 19:42:31

The dog is fine. More than fine.

I'm near Manchester if that's any use. X

firesidechat Sun 12-May-13 19:48:57

My children are all grown up and one married so I can easily imagine how we would be in these circumstances.

We would do everything that we possibly could to help one of our daughters if this happened to them. We would be physically there in a heartbeat and give as much comfort and practical help as we could. I can't actually understand why you wouldn't have this reaction as a parent and I'm so sorry that this hasn't been your experience.

Have they been helpful at any point?

Chiggers Sun 12-May-13 19:50:10

I think it depends on the person TBH.

I wouldn't want my mum, dad or any other member of my family or friends calling me every day to see how things are. I'm afraid it would really irritate me, especially when I'm trying to get things organised and sorted.

That's just me though. I'm an extremely private person and prefer to talk briefly about boring stuff that people don't want to know about.

Fancydrawers Sun 12-May-13 19:52:46

I am so very sorry for your loss. Please do call upon your friends, I'm sure they'd love to be there for you.

miffybun73 Sun 12-May-13 19:55:03

I wouldn't ring, I'd be physically there every day for as long as she wanted me.

If this is you then I'm so sorry for your loss.

phantomnamechanger Sun 12-May-13 19:57:31

What about your in laws, OP? are you close to them, geographically or emotionally? obviously they will have their own loss to deal with but you and the DC are their only link to their son now, I hope you can all come through this together. I know thats not the same as your own parents being there for you.

NinaHeart Sun 12-May-13 20:31:52

Puzzled, I am so sorry for your loss and for your current bewilderment, if that's the word for it.
As several others have said, I am in mid-Kent and if I can help at all I would be honoured to do so.

Pigsmummy Sun 12-May-13 20:40:31

Your friends would much rather that you rang at the least convienient time rather than think that you didn't feel you could pick up the phone to them, please do reach out and don't wait for your parents support. The dog will be fine in kennels. Thinking of you x

puzzled365 Sun 12-May-13 21:28:20

I have just managed to put the DCs to bed and I'm going up myself now, so goodnight to you all and thank you for being there. MN is amazing for this kind of support.
Love to you all and heartfelt thanks. X

ExcuseTypos Sun 12-May-13 21:33:15

Hope you get some sleep puzzled

Keep posting on MN if it helps you. There's always someone here to listen and hold your hand.x

facedontfit Sun 12-May-13 21:42:47

Hold on puzzled, you'll get through.

So very sorry for you & your childrens loss.

Best wishes for the future. flowers

BlackeyedSusan Sun 12-May-13 22:07:06

oh puzzled. that is not good, so sorry for your loss. sad

have a good nights sleep if you can.

unfortunately, some people are crap at dealing with grief, sorry that you parents are some of them. you are a child in need of comfort and help nd they should be there for you. that is not needy.

don't worry about your dog for now. he will be fine in kennels, you and your children are more important at the moment. do what you need to to get you through.

MumnGran Sun 12-May-13 22:26:25

I read this somewhere, which pretty much sums it up for me:

*Please don't tell me to call you if there is anything you can help with
I am too exhausted to work out how you could help me.
I can barely work out how to get through the next hour!
Cook me dinner and leave it on the doorstep,
call me to say you will pick up my children from school.
or tell me you are going to the supermarket and
will pick me up on the way if I want to come.
Just don't tell me to call you if there is anything you can help with*

My heart goes out to you OP. As a mum of grown daughters, I would be with you already. But, people do differ, and not everyone deals well with loss.
I would give your parents a shot by calling them (if you can summon the strength) and telling them that you need them.

rabbitlady Sun 12-May-13 22:33:37

she's my baby. i hope such a thing wouldn't happen but if it did i'd want to be there in whatever way she wanted.

when my marriage broke up, my previously unsupportive parents phoned me every day for over six months. usually my mum, but on the couple of occasions she couldn't make it, my dad rang. considering he rarely spoke, to have a fifteen-minute or more chat with his then-28 year old daughter was really something. i remember that now, when i visit my mum in her nursing home and speak to my dad every day on the phone, to make sure he has someone with whom he can share his worries.

i also remember that when i was three years old and had measles very badly, my mother sat with me in a darkened room, holding my hand, for three weeks. there's been a lot of bad stuff between that i don't bother to mention.

i don't know what your position is. i haven't read the whole thread. i think you might be the bereaved daughter, but you could be the mum.

whatever the case, i am sorry for the loss of a husband, father, and son-in-law and hope that support is forthcoming.

exoticfruits Sun 12-May-13 22:44:49

The poem is very true MumnGran. Telling a bereaved person they can call you is really no help at all.

independentfriend Sun 12-May-13 23:14:52

My advice: look for help somewhere else, if your parents aren't helping in useful ways. Yes it sucks, but your parents can't be changed and they're clearly not being supportive in a way that actually helps.

So, friends, colleagues, charities (maybe Winston's wish?) etc.

puzzled365 Mon 13-May-13 09:18:12

Making progress this am. I have made an appointment with GP to see if there's any help available. Also making a plan of which bit of 'stuff' to deal with first: taxman, solicitors, coroner,house sale, kids schooling, winding up business etc etc etc! Itseems never ending at the moment, but I know this at least has got to end and the next stage of our lives will happen anyway. Thanks to you all again for giving me the chance to 'speak' about my frustrations. Xx

fromparistoberlin Mon 13-May-13 09:25:09

I am so sorry puzzled

there is nowt as queer as folk. and no, you not needy. not at all. My Mum is lovely but she can be crap like this too!

Take each day at a time, write losts of lists and be very realisttic about what you can get done

all my love XXXXXX

FadBook Mon 13-May-13 09:25:50

All the best puzzled we're all here for you

NotTreadingGrapes Mon 13-May-13 09:27:57

Sorry for your loss OP.

Holding your hand here too. xx

MTBMummy Mon 13-May-13 09:29:37

Hi Puzzled, in S Oxon if you need any support x

When my father died, I rang my mother every day for a year. That's after the part where I went straight down the next day to stay with her and help with the arrangements.

Puzzled - my deepest sympathies for your loss - I wish more than anything, I could give you a hug right now.

Areyoumadorisitme Mon 13-May-13 09:52:42

Just seen this. Very sorry for your loss.

As an aside, depending on what the business is, you may be able to sell it as a going concern which will save you winding it down and may net you some money. Worth a chat with an accountant or someone in the industry.

Keep strong and take care of yourself as well as the DC.

DeWe Mon 13-May-13 10:08:50

Just to put a different spin on it.
I love my dm very much, but her phoning every day to see how I was would get me down. I'd feel things like I couldn't go for an early night in case she phoned and worried because I didn't answer the phone and things like that.
I need time on my own to work things through sometimes, and it would make me feel pressured to have to speak to someone, even someone as close as my mum, every day. When things are tough, I don't work through them by talking to people. I go inside me and work it through there.
I wouldn't feel I could say to her please don't phone, as I'd know she would be worrying about me being on my own.

So I don't know that I would phone every day. Because I know that wouldn't be what I would want. If my dd said that was what she wanted then I would be more than happy to. But it wouldn't show a lack of care or love that I didn't.
I hope that makes sense.

Sorry for your loss.

Jestrin Mon 13-May-13 20:18:36

Sorry for your loss OP

So sorry for your loss. sad life can really suck sad

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