To still feel upset and a bit confused about this incident?

(80 Posts)
Flossyfloof Sat 11-May-13 23:52:05

Went out for a meal with some acquaintances the other night. Had a nice time and got to know one or two new people. Whilst I was talking to one woman, someone's Mum, in the middle of a conversation she said to me "You're a bitch!". I genuinely had/have no idea where that came from. I didn't want any confrontation and didn't respond at all. Later on, when she was saying goodbye to her daughter, I was right next to her and she said, very loudly "She's a bitch!". I still don't know what I might have said to offend and honestly don't think I said anything. This lady lives some way away but I live close to her daughter. I want to text the daughter to ask what I have done. I don't want to fall out with anyone but I have now been bothered about this for a few days, can't seem to let it go. I would really like to ask what I did and to explain that I think this woman perhaps misunderstood or misinterpreted something I said. I loathe the word bitch and am probably reacting more because of this word than if she had used another one. Please talk me through this!

YesIamYourSisterInLaw Sat 11-May-13 23:53:08

Yanbu and now I'm dying to know too

FannyFifer Sat 11-May-13 23:53:51

What? Why did you not say something? Did no one else say anything? How odd.

RiotsNotDiets Sat 11-May-13 23:55:58

I don't think texting is a good idea. Maybe bring it up next time you see her?

ajandjjmum Sat 11-May-13 23:56:02

If I were you Flossy I would talk to the daughter, not text, and just say you are a bit bemused, and wonder if she could shed any light on the comments.

I'm sure you're not! smile

VanitasVanitatum Sat 11-May-13 23:56:09

I would definitely want to have a conversation with this woman, what can she possibly be thinking;if she doesn't like you why was she chatting away to you? If you don't ask it will probably stay on your mind.

Snazzynewyear Sat 11-May-13 23:57:14

I'm not clear on who exactly these people are to you - had you ever met this woman before? I would ask the daughter but not by saying 'what have I done', as that presumes you've done something. I would say something like, 'This probably seems a bit weird, but I couldn't understand why your mother called me a bitch at he meal the other week. What's behind that?' Do that in person, though, not by text. This stuff never works well if not done face to face.

AgentZigzag Sat 11-May-13 23:57:20

Could you contact the daughter asking whether her mum's OK because she was saying some bizarre things to you?

If she didn't say what she was on about don't be worrying about it, what can you do about something you know nothing about?

Fuck all.

Flossyfloof Sat 11-May-13 23:57:42

I didn't say anything because I was so taken aback I suppose and whilst I didn't like her saying it first time I didn't want to cause any unpleasantness (OK for her to say that to me though!!). When she said it the second time only I and her daughter was there, she was saying goodbye to her daughter and that's when she said it. I think I was a bit shocked to be honest. This happened on Thursday and I am still going over it in my head and it is getting me down, both the incident and the fact that I am still worrying about it.

Boomba Sat 11-May-13 23:58:33

How did you not ask her at the time?!

WorraLiberty Sat 11-May-13 23:58:45

Sorry but how can anyone 'talk you through' it?

"You're a bitch" (x2) and you didn't raise an eyebrow and ask the woman why?

Fair enough if you're shy, but I don't know what you want from this thread IYSWIM?

Flossyfloof Sat 11-May-13 23:59:48

Ok I definitely won't text. Never met the Mum before and don't know the daughter very well but she seems very sweet-natured. There is certainly no problem between me and the daughter (Don't think there is anyway!!).

AgentZigzag Sun 12-May-13 00:00:33

How did her daughter react when she said it OP?

LeaveTheBastid Sun 12-May-13 00:00:55

How old is she? Did her daughter not say anything if she was there the second time she said it? confused

AgentZigzag Sun 12-May-13 00:01:22

And the others there the first time she said it?

lisad123everybodydancenow Sun 12-May-13 00:01:39

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

I cant believe you just stood there when someone called you a bitch, even if you're shy wouldnt you just ask them why they saying that to you.

Is she elderly? Was it possibly in a jokey way? What did the daughter do or say when her mother called you a bitch?

MorrisZapp Sun 12-May-13 00:05:40

Somebody in your party in a restaurant called you a bitch, and nobody said anything? This is just weird.

Flossyfloof Sun 12-May-13 00:05:44

I don't know the daughter that well can't think of anything I can possibly have said/done to upset her. She may have been overheard the first time, I am not sure, haven't seen the people who were around since then. Second time daughter cannot fail to have heard it. It was late, I wanted to get home and I just didn't want any more nastiness. Bloody upset now, though, because I can't see any justification for her saying this. I didn't know whether I was making a mountain out of a molehill.

AgentZigzag Sun 12-May-13 00:06:02

Laying it on the OP a bit there lisad?

What's it got to do with the mum if that was the case?

What did her daughter say?

AgentZigzag Sun 12-May-13 00:07:31

But what did the daughter do when her mum was being so nasty to you Flossy?

BegoniaBampot Sun 12-May-13 00:07:34

maybe she has some kind of illness like dementis or something.

Flossyfloof Sun 12-May-13 00:08:08

I would not have made a fuss in the restaurant because I just wouldn't. In other situations I would stand up for myself but in this situation I was a bit shocked and I didn't want to make things worse. Asking why she thought I was a bitch would maybe have set up a confrontation which I wouldn't cope well with and spoil the evening for me as well as everyone else.

Lexiesinclair Sun 12-May-13 01:16:46

No she set up the confrontation by calling you a bitch.
But I would try and let it go now - you didn't respond at the time, so what is the point in speculating...?

TigerSwallowTail Sun 12-May-13 01:38:58

What were you talking about the first time m when she interrupted you to call you that?

LittleMissLucy Sun 12-May-13 01:50:00

Do you remember what the conversation was, when she said it the first time?
It may have been in direct response to a comment you made.

AgentZigzag Sun 12-May-13 01:52:10

If someone in a group I was with was saying that and the person they were saying it to was just sat there in a shocked and embarrassed silence, I'd have to say something myself.

Or cats bum mouth them at the very least, while looking round to see if anyone else heard the same.

I'm really surprised nobody else reacted.

What gave you the impression she was saying it to you? Your OP doesn't say you interacted with her at all, so are you 100% convinced you've read the situation as it actually was?

McGeeDiNozzo Sun 12-May-13 04:27:55

If you were in a conversation with her when she said those things then the conversation must have been about something, before and after that remark. Can we have some context?

How much drink had been consumed? What was her tone of voice?

Independently of context, it seems that you're DNBU to be upset and confused, but there's not really much to go on here other than that she called you a bitch.

Mimishimi Sun 12-May-13 05:19:11

Maybe she has some form of Tourette's? I would have been tempted to answer back "Oh be quiet you silly old bat" the second time. grin Fon't let it bother you, I'm sure she has done it to others.

NatashaBee Sun 12-May-13 07:06:08

YANBU to ask the daughter what the problem was, although I think you might get a better answer if you asked her face to face. Very strange though, I've been racking my brains to think what else she might have said that you could have misheard.

BigBlockSingsong Sun 12-May-13 07:09:28

Oh god that is weird, I possibly would have done the same in your sit OP,

I'm better at sticking up for others than myself,

I'm not sure what your expecting us to do though grin

Flossyfloof Sun 12-May-13 07:18:58

When I first started worrying about it I thought the woman had been driving as she was going home that night so I thought she was sober. I think on reflection though that she had a lift so she may have been
drinking. I was drinking but I don't believe I said anything untowa
I am a bit confused about people asking what I want from this thread. Don't people ask for advice on here? I am interested to see if people think I should do something about this or quietly let it drop and never know what I said/did and if it is likely to happen againl. In fact it wouldn't happen again I think I would walk out if she did anything similar in the future.

Flossyfloof Sun 12-May-13 07:19:54

I like the comment that she has done the same to others. Sure that is true!

Finallygotaroundtoit Sun 12-May-13 07:31:40

Alzheimer's or some MH issues can cause people to behave strangely.

If you don't know them very well and unlikely to meet again I would let it go.

It;s about her not you. Totally understand not confronting her at the restaurant

pigletmania Sun 12-May-13 07:32:29

I would have probably ignore the first time round but the second I would have pulled her up on it

BigBlockSingsong Sun 12-May-13 07:54:52

Tbh IYS , I would ask a friend if they heard, what she meant etc.

I couldn't just leave it it would bug me too much.

KittyAndTheFontanelles Sun 12-May-13 07:58:27

I also thought Tourette's Syndrome or perhaps an Acquired Brain Injury. Also possible is Alzheimer's disease,although in my experience this would be less likely at such a high functioning stage.

Surely though, if it was something like this, there would have been an explanation. Perhaps not though..

Oh do tell when you find out grin

LemonPeculiarJones Sun 12-May-13 08:10:49

Was her comment completely out of context? Were you having an ordinary chat and then she suddenly said it, kind of in response to nothing?

You: "weathers been up and down hasn't it?"

Her: "you're a bitch!"


Or was it in response to something you said that could be misinterpreted?

How strange. If it really was completely disconnected then she probably has some sort of problem.

Having said that my MIL had a friend who says things like, "You're looking slim - you bitch!"

Doesn't sound like that sort of 'jokey' comment though.

How annoying for you! I'd be pissed off too.

Flossyfloof Sun 12-May-13 08:31:01

I know some people use bitch like that, and I really don't like it, which is why I thought I might be over-reacting now. If she had said "OOh, bitch!" I wouldn't have liked it but would have been more than happy to ignore it. The only thing I can remember was that I had said she could have stayed at my house (she must have said she was driving home). As part of that conversation I remember saying something like , Oh, you could stay at my house, as long as I don't get a better offer or unless a nice young man comes along. She had been a bit challenging to something I said earlier, but I thought she was just being a bit ignorant - you know when people say things to be a bit clever? I ignored it and not thought about it until now. Perhaps she just took against me.

kungfupannda Sun 12-May-13 08:32:26

So how did this actually happen?

The first time, what had you just said when she made the comment? Like Lemon says, was it in or out of context?

And the second time, what was being said at the time? And what did the daughter say or do?

It all sounds a bit weird - her making these nasty comments and everyone just standing around in silence. I can't imagine it.

Flossyfloof Sun 12-May-13 08:39:18

The first time the only thing I can think of was about having her to stay. Honestly can't think of anything else. SHe was at the very end of the table and I was next. No one on the other side. My neighbours were opposite but he is quite hard of hearing anyway and I don't know whether the woman neighbour heard it. I will speak to them if I see them today, I think I would have done yesterday if i had seen them. No one else around to hear. The second time, I will come clean about the situation - was worried about being identified but the only people who could do so are those two and I don't like being bloody called a bitch so there! As we were leaving the restaurant the daughter, my neighbour asked if I would go to her house and relieve the babysitter. I was more than happy to do that, let the babysitter go home and texted her to say he had gone home, all fine, not to hurry back. When she came home the Mum came in and they were saying goodbye to each other. That is when she came out with (loudly) "SHe's a bitch!". That was said directly to the daughter. No one else was there and there was no way the daughter could have not heard.

Flossyfloof Sun 12-May-13 08:41:25

When she said it in the restaurant the person originally sitting next to me had gone to the loo or something and she came round and sat there for a bit. She wasn't sitting there all evening.
Sorry - am I dripfeeding? Just trying to clarify and answer questions. The more I think about it the less I can understand.

ll31 Sun 12-May-13 08:44:11

R u sure mother was referring to you,not continuing conversation re someone else?

TheseFoolishThings Sun 12-May-13 08:45:11

"The more I think about it the less I can understand"

Swap 'think' for 'read' and I'd have to wholeheartedly agree. confused

Flossyfloof Sun 12-May-13 08:50:15

Positive it was me - she said it directly to me in the restaurant and I was standing in the sitting room she and the daughter in the hallway - I was five feet away - the second time. I think she was just jealous of my radiant beauty and wonderful dress sense. I did look rather nice...

cozietoesie Sun 12-May-13 08:50:59

I would guess that she's not at all well. You could either leave it or have a word with her daughter in case she's in the habit of doing this to others.

Flossyfloof Sun 12-May-13 08:52:03

Thank you everyone though, I actually feel much better having had your messages. If I do ever offend anyone I always apologise and try to make things right. I don't do that often though, as far as I know. Even if someone offended me I would never do what she did, I would just move away and avoid them. I don't feel as upset now, this has really helped.

magimedi Sun 12-May-13 08:58:11

I reckon there's a mental health issue & possibly early onset Alzheimers. Do you know anyone else who knows the family better than you, who you could ask?

cakebar Sun 12-May-13 09:14:49

I second the mh issue. My mother has a brain condition that this behaviour would be typical of in the early stages. Why was the mother out with the daughter? Is that usual? I ask because I did a lot of taking my mum out with me when she was first ill to give my dad a break from her behaviour and to keep her occupied.

You still haven't said what the daughter did or said when her mum called you a bitch the second time?

HappyYoni Sun 12-May-13 10:52:24

i was called a fucking twat recently by a woman who was at my friends birthday do. i just smiled and said goodnight as i dont really care why she thinks im a twat, and even if i am a twat shes definitly a bigger one for being rude enough to say it out loud at a social event!

LEMisdisappointed Sun 12-May-13 10:58:43

You should have replied "Did you mean to be quite so rude"!

JesusInTheCabbageVan Sun 12-May-13 11:11:08

My first thought was early onset alzheimer's or dementia. Someone the other day was describing his mum who was exactly the same - long periods of clarity interrupted by occasional WTF! moments.

JesusInTheCabbageVan Sun 12-May-13 11:12:10

Early stage, not onset. Get me trying to sound like I know what I'm talking about smile

Flossyfloof Sun 12-May-13 11:22:16

Daughter said/did nothing. The woman was talking to her that time, not to me. Yoni you are right not to care. I don't know this woman and I suppose I shouldn't care either - but not used to being called a twat!!

Flossyfloof Sun 12-May-13 11:22:49

Oops - just as well, because I wasn't, was I?

Is there any possibility you've misinterpreted the tone of it, it sounds very bizarre that someone would be that rude, without provocation and nobody even acknowledge it, maybe not say something but at least give you a look or gawp at the woman.

I mean bitch isn't considered that offensive by most people I don't think, I know one of my friends calls me this every time we eat out because I normally shovel down the food but am still slimmer than her, I guess to someone listening or someone who didn't realise she was joking it would seem a bit shocking.

I personally though of dementia,thats why I asked I she was elderly but I think it's so odd the daughter didn't react and at least apologise that maybe its something else.

Flossyfloof Sun 12-May-13 11:34:16

There is no way I misinterpreted the tone. It wasn't coupled with anything else either time - not She's a bitch she looks nice, or she's a bitch how does she stay so slim (the latter highly unlikely to be said by anyone!! She is probably late 50's I should think. I saw the daughter the day after, I was in the car and stopped and just thanked her for a nice evening. Didn't bring up the Mum thing. if I see my next-door neighbours today I will ask if they heard anything. They have met the Mum and might be able to confirm that she is a bit like that (Or say she is a lovely person!)

Flossyfloof Sun 12-May-13 11:35:32

The only person who definitely heard it was the daughter, when she said it in the house. I am not sure if anyone else heard it, if anyone it would be the people sitting opposite and if I see them I will ask.

Tanith Sun 12-May-13 11:54:11

If the daughter heard and did nothing, I would guess she was too embarrassed. She might be hoping you'll understand and shrug it off - because I agree this sounds exactly like a MH problem: dementia or Alzheimer's.

The really, really important question is:
Are you a bitch?

I presume you're not, so why ever are you worrying about it? smile

cory Sun 12-May-13 12:07:39

Add message | Report | Message poster JesusInTheCabbageVan Sun 12-May-13 11:11:08
"My first thought was early onset alzheimer's or dementia. Someone the other day was describing his mum who was exactly the same - long periods of clarity interrupted by occasional WTF! moments."

That describes my gran very accurately- though thankfully she didn't know any bad language. grin But the same pattern of long periods of complete clarity followed by utter inconsequentiality.

Flossyfloof Sun 12-May-13 12:10:34

I suppose dementia is a possibility and I don't know much about it but I have heard her Mum mentioned a few times and never that. She was flying off on holiday the next day and so if obviously able to function. If that were the case I would have thought that her daughter would have apologised and explained that she sometimes took against people for no apparentl reason. I will try to see the other people who may have heard (or who may give feedback on whether or not I had spent the evening being bitchy or not!) and see what they say.

It's a possibility that she has taken great offence at your half hearted offer of her to stay and felt that you were "taking the piss". I can see how someone who doesn't know you, or is older could take offence by you making the offer, without meaning it, anyway, but withdrawing it if the possibility of a shag came along, IYSWIM. You should have asked her first time and sorted it out, tbh. Seeming as you know the daughter well enough to "relieve the babysitter", you should have sorted it out, there and then and could of done so without it turning into a confrontation. I don't think you should approach the daughter from the POV that her Mum may be unwell, she surely would be defensive, better to just say that you think her Mum has misinterpreted what you said.

TigerSwallowTail Sun 12-May-13 13:54:58

Were you talking to her much during the evening, before the bitch outburst?

ryanboy Sun 12-May-13 13:59:54

I used to know someone who said a phrase (can't remember what it was now) just randomly in the moddle of a sentence.She had no control at all over it and was completely nornmal in every other way.I think this lady is the same.

LadyFlumpalot Sun 12-May-13 14:04:03

My grandma does something similar, after suffering a minor stroke. We will be sitting quite happily chatting, then she will suddenly seem to slip back 10 years and can't understand who my DH or DS are and gets scared and aggressive to the point of swearing.

I think it sounds like a condition of some sort with her, and not a reflection on your personality!

LeaveTheBarSteward Sun 12-May-13 14:05:06

Why would you offer someone to stay who you barely know?
Why wouldn't her daughter say she could stay with her if she lives next door to her. Maybe she thought you were stirring ?

Flossyfloof Sun 12-May-13 14:41:05

I can't really remember exactly what was being said. Something like she was travelling back home that night (an hour and a half's distance) and that's when I said it. It wasn't a serious offer just part of what I thought was a light-hearted conversation. Perhaps she did take offence but it seems huge offence for that. And to carry on later I think is just a bit weird. If she does have a problem I wonder why her daughter didn't say Oh, sorry about that, she gets a bit like it when she has had a drink or whatever. I don't know, I can't really clarify anything except from my own point of view. Daughter doesn't have a lot of spare room and anyway Mum was going on holiday the next day.
The second time she said it when we were back home I kind of pretended I hadn't heard and maybe the daughter hoped I hadn't? Anyway I think it could have turned nasty if I had challenged her, and I would have ended up being more upset than I am, possibly falling out with the daughter (everyone had had a few drinks, including me) and I would not want that.

LaGuardia Sun 12-May-13 14:48:00

If this is a true story, then it sounds like the lady has Tourette's Syndrome or dementia, and everyone was ignoring her because it is what she normally does. Perhaps they thought you knew. I would stop taking it to heart.

Boomba Sun 12-May-13 14:57:29

Or...maybe, for example, she has had a scandolous heart breaking affair with a toy-boy and thought you were taking the piss. I think its something you have said, that has been totally misinterpreted by her

If she was ill in someway, surely the dd would have explained another day

Iamsparklyknickers Sun 12-May-13 15:33:49

I think you need to ask her daughter. You could speculate till christmas and still be none the wiser.

Be fairly neutral about it, it shouldn't impact your relationship with her if you've no reason to come into contact with her mother that often.

Flossyfloof Sun 12-May-13 16:01:03

Hahaha, it's definitely true!! Thanks ever so much for your thoughts. I don't want it to affect my relationship with the daughter, I don't know her well but we go out with our other neighbours every now and then for Sunday lucnh which is really nice. I will report back, even if I ask the daughter and she says "Well you are a bitch."

AberdeenAngusina Sun 12-May-13 16:22:42

Is there anything else which sounds like "bitch"? Just asking because I know of someone who was very offended at being described as a "hussy" type, and the speaker had actually said "horsey"-type (based apparently on the idea that her trousers looked as though they might have been, but weren't, jodhpurs.)

GingerBlondecat Sun 12-May-13 16:30:48

Sweetie, given how concerned you are and worked up trying to work out if you had done something wrong, albeit unknowingly.
My Thoughts are that she has a medical issue.

((((((((((((Hugs))))))))))) And give yourself a break.

If it was YOU, your friend would have said something to you

GingerBlondecat Sun 12-May-13 16:31:12


LeaveTheBarSteward Sun 12-May-13 18:05:59

It is really odd, please do update us though.

SugarPasteGreyhound Sun 12-May-13 18:44:50

I read your op and immediately wondered if there might be an issue with dementia or Alzheimer's

Flossyfloof Wed 22-May-13 23:00:50

Well, I did promise to return with an update! I managed to speak to my neighbour briefly this evening as I was giving her a lift, but only had a couple of moments as I was giving someone else a lift too! I asked if she had heard what the Mum and I were talking about and she said that she hadn't really been aware. She certainly didn't hear what the Mum said, as I thought. She was quite shocked but then we stopped discussing it as our other friend got in. So nothing else to say, really, except that I am not bothered about it any more. I was genuinely upset for a few days (pathetic, i know but it was a bit of a shock at the time) and asking for advice one here did help me get it into perspective. I haven't seen the neighbour whose birthday it was. Not sure if I would say anything now, I don't feel so bad about it, although I do feel pissed off that it spoiled my night and if I do tackle her it will make her feel bad. Have to see how I feel when I speak to her.

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