to give a box of maltesers as a birthday present for a 9yo?

(74 Posts)
TwoFourSixOhOne Sat 11-May-13 10:12:07

DD has a party today at 12. We had planned to go into town to get a present this morning, but she has spent the last two hours in a meltdown, horrible awful screeching and spitting and swearing.

We know it's because she is wound up about the party, it's not a particualr friend of hers but it is someone she looks up to, it's a cool disco party and she's spoken of nothing else for weeks. I'm not going to stop her going to the party, before anyone says that, she is being assessed for a demand avoidance disorder and there is a direct correlation between her excitement and her meltdown.

However, I'm not prepared to rush around now and buy a gift, I've told her she can go to the shop over the road and buy a box of maltesers or similar and wrap those up.

We've had similar gifts at parties (often with a 'sorry, it was last minute' apology) but I am v laid back about presents, I know some people aren't. Woudl you be pissed off or judgy if your DD got a present like that? I dont' know this family at all.

AIBU?

(and yes, I know I should have a box of ready to wrap presents or got something weeks ago but we are just not that organised, sorry)

Fancydrawers Sat 11-May-13 10:13:27

Fuck it, get the maltesers. Wouldn't bother me in the slightest.

Bowlersarm Sat 11-May-13 10:14:24

What about popping a £5 in the card as well?

HollyBerryBush Sat 11-May-13 10:14:56

a demand avoidance disorder

What does that mean?

Is that not doing what she is told Holly?

I would do Maltesers and £5 in the card.

TwoFourSixOhOne Sat 11-May-13 10:18:58
TwoFourSixOhOne Sat 11-May-13 10:19:50

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

TwoFourSixOhOne Sat 11-May-13 10:21:04

But thank you for the suggestions, maltesers and a fiver it is.

thanks

You know if after the assessment it is confirmed she has this Two what happens then?

I apologise Two. I didn't know. Now I do. Blimey.

To be honest my children find sweets the best presents of all. They don't really care what things cost and neither should we.

kelda Sat 11-May-13 10:23:09

I agree, maltesers and a fiver, my 9 year old would be happy with that.

Hope she gets the help she needssmile

SavoyCabbage Sat 11-May-13 10:23:12

My dd is 9 and she would love a box of maltesers.

HollyBerryBush Sat 11-May-13 10:24:25

I'd not heard the expression, thank you for the link, I shall no go read it grin

WilsonFrickett Sat 11-May-13 10:24:37

Then she implements strategies to deal with it. Like she's probably doing now sparkling. But sometimes the strategies don't work especially when the child has worked herself into a fever pitch of excitement and stress about a socially-loaded and complicated event

WilsonFrickett Sat 11-May-13 10:25:25

X post with your apology sparking - sorry for the snip.

sad

woopsidaisy Sat 11-May-13 10:26:00

I'm 38 and I'd love a box of Malteasers! It is fine. Hope she enjoys the party.

Mistyshore Sat 11-May-13 10:26:05

I'd put £5 in card too.

I don't know the background at all but I do remember being 12 and desperate to get friendly with the cool gang. 12 year old's can be quite bitchy between their friends and dd is probably worried that her cool friend will know it was a cheap present and take the piss. The girl's parents won't give the gift a second thought.

TwoFourSixOhOne Sat 11-May-13 10:27:43

It's ok, sorry I told you to f off, it's been a pig of a morning blush.

I'm not sure what happens when we're through the process, she might get some help at school (where she acheives very little), we'll certainly get some help in 'managing' her.

Since we were given this information though and treated her accordingly (instead of as though she is naughty or wilful) life has improved immeasurably for all of us.

It's not a very well known thing, although it is becoming more so and I get a gutful of naughty child comments from well meaning relatives.

I'm sorry too. My first thought on reading the description was that both my DSs have that but they really just don't do as they are told. angry

Sounds like a real battle, hope there is help available. Lots of tongue biting when the relatives come round then?

TwoFourSixOhOne Sat 11-May-13 10:31:42

And honestly, before we lived with this and I knew what it was, I would have been eyerolling to the extreme at this sort of label for what appear to be badly behaved brats blush

It's much more than that though. Which is hard to remember when she's howling and snarling at me because I've asked her to put her shoes on.

WilsonFrickett Sat 11-May-13 10:31:59

Theres a couple of interesting threads in SN and SN chat about PDA op.

TwoFourSixOhOne Sat 11-May-13 10:33:09

Oh yes, lots.

I get told, 'she only speaks to you like that because you let her, if you were more consistent she wouldn't behave like that, she's just pulling your chain, give her a smack'.

I have almost perfected the nod and smile.

WilsonFrickett Sat 11-May-13 10:33:11

Hugs all round? wink

TwoFourSixOhOne Sat 11-May-13 10:33:44

Thanks Wilson, I have posted there before (serial namechanger) and received some fantastic advice.

thanks

Well yes because loads of 12 year olds can be willful and defiant in the extreme, so to think there will be a diagnosis must be reassuring.

Has an outfit been chosen for the party?

TwoFourSixOhOne Sat 11-May-13 10:33:56

<bosomy squish>

grin

greenfolder Sat 11-May-13 10:34:38

box of matesers and a fiver is a great gift

hope dd enjoys the party

grin

berryfreeze Sat 11-May-13 10:34:58

Maltesers something she can open, five pounds she can buy something she likes, perfect present, hope you dd has a lobelt time.

TwoFourSixOhOne Sat 11-May-13 10:35:07

Oh the outfit.

<cries>

She's in the bath at the moment. Outfit to follow. All I know is it will be in-ter-esting...

She likes layers. And colours. And wing dings and flowers in her hair. She'll look fab.

TwoFourSixOhOne Sat 11-May-13 10:35:38

Thanks all, you've reassured me. DH made a hmm face when I suggested it so I wobbled.

berryfreeze Sat 11-May-13 10:36:12

Lovely time!!

What time is the party? Has the preparation started early?

I only have boys so no experience of what girls need to get ready for a party.

complexnumber Sat 11-May-13 10:37:38

I am 52, I would love a box of maltesers and a fiver.

Maltesers and a fiver in a card is my DDs standard gift and she is 14. All her friends expect it and look forward to it - in fact she bought something different for a friend recently and she was disappointed she didn't get the Maltesers!

I hope she has a lovely time.

Astley Sat 11-May-13 10:41:21

I would definetly put money in a card too.

Acandlelitshadow Sat 11-May-13 10:48:29

Maltesers and a fiver is absolutely fine. Large bar of Dairy Milk and a fiver were the default for years in this house. Always went down well in fact I'd be delighted with that even now grin

I hope your dd calms down soon and enjoys the party smile

Moominsarehippos Sat 11-May-13 11:00:39

I have found vouchers a god-send (those ones for 'experiences' or suchline, that you can print out and shove in a card).

NorbertDentressangle Sat 11-May-13 11:03:04

DS is coming up to 9 and would be chuffed to bits with Maltesers and a fiver. Chocolate and money...what more could a 9 year old wish for!?

I hope she gets off to the party OK and has a great time and you have a well-earned breather!

quoteunquote Sat 11-May-13 11:08:16

My nine year old would love that as a present, £5 and maltesers (she doesn't have a sweet tooth, but love having sweets to hand out) so if she would like it, anyone would,

I'm glad she in the bath, it always helps, (they do get better at managing it) good luck.

Mumsyblouse Sat 11-May-13 11:15:35

I don't know what it is about Saturday mornings, my dds don't have PDA (it sounds incredibly stressful) but I often find it a trigger point for a meltdown- I think it's after a long week, they get up Sat needing to relax, and you are still on top of them trying to get them to classes, get dressed, get out (there was a thread on someone's dd having a paddy at swimming too). I much prefer Sundays!

kneedeepindaisies Sat 11-May-13 11:15:44

Chocolate and money is the perfect gift for anyone.

Can I ask if your DD has always behaved this way or if it has happened slowly over time?

My DS sounds similar to the information on the link above but it's only been in the last couple of years. Before that I just thought he couldn't follow instructions hmm

But the meltdown you described before parties, friends round, days out is very familiar and exhausting.

Maltesers would be fine - frankly, an edible present, that the parents won't have to find space for, is perfect and the parents may be able to snaffle a few for themselves not that I am advocating stealing childrens' chocolate, of course.

DeskPlanner Sat 11-May-13 11:38:01

YABU, for mentioned them in the first place, I really really want a box now. sad

grin But in all honesty, you are not being U, in the slightest. An entire box of chocolates would be my children's idea of the best gift ever.

TwoFourSixOhOne Sat 11-May-13 12:03:25

Kneedeep, she was a lovely baby, very placid toddler and then went batshit when she hit three.

We kept expecting her to grow out of it, but instead she was getting worse.

I went to the GP for help just after Christmas and she referred us to the paed, he's now referred us to CAMHS, everybody at every stage has said PDA. I'd never heard of it. As soon as we read up on it it was a massive lightbulb moment. Not just the outbursts, everything. She hates any kind of sarcasm or teasing, even the nice kind, lives in a fantasy world half the time, obsesses over her Best Friends/Boyfriends (who change weekly, often), is inappropriate with her emotions (goes from laughter to hysterical crying), has 'odd' rituals and speech, shuts down or melts down when she can't deal with expectations.

I can't begin to tell you how much better it's been since we've tried to approach her tantrums as panic attacks.

She's skipped off to her party now in a lovely mood, maltesers and money in card in hand.

thanks

taypottick Sat 11-May-13 12:07:57

tantrums as panic attacks I think you are on to something there. Hope she has a lovely time.

kneedeepindaisies Sat 11-May-13 12:09:54

Thanks for the reply. I'm glad she's gone happily to the partysmile

I'm going to do some reading up properly on this. DS was very placid until junior school so I'm probably barking up the wrong tree.

gordyslovesheep Sat 11-May-13 12:13:56

Maltesers are a great gift - mine would love that

Sounds like you have had a horrible morning - gentle squishes - I have 2 very challenging children and a 4 year old - I sympathise x

chillinwithmyyonis Sat 11-May-13 12:45:52

I'd happily receive a box of maltesers for my birthday at the grand old age of 28! Makes me fancy a box right now in fact!

Oh and I've heard of her condition, I study Psychology, no eye rolling from me!

everlong Sat 11-May-13 12:53:52

Yep a box of chocolates, a card with a fiver in is fine.

Hope she has a lovely time.

perplexedpirate Sat 11-May-13 13:16:56

I now really want a box of maltesers and a fiver!

Jinty64 Sat 11-May-13 13:40:18

I got a box from the girls at work last week, the ds's are eating them now. They have let me have 3!

SgtTJCalhoun Sat 11-May-13 15:59:27

I would have loved that gift age 9 and so would my 6 or 10 year old now.

I've got a dd who is diagnosed with ASD but is SO oppositional when stressed I believe it could be PDA.

Feel your pain thanks.

SgtTJCalhoun Sat 11-May-13 16:00:45

Mine went nuts aged around four. I remember driving her home with her going ballistic in the back of the car, truly scared we wouldn't make it with car and/or us intact.

IneedAsockamnesty Sat 11-May-13 17:19:18

Yanbu. It wouldn't bother me in the slightest.

YANBU. Most kids would like Maltesers, it's fun, it shows some nice effort and most importantly, the child will love them and eat them. Unlike loads of tat (which I admit to giving mainly as I have too little imagination), Maltesers will be used (well, eaten!) so it makes a better gift.

I'm feeling hungry for Maltesers now blush

UnChartered Sat 11-May-13 17:43:13

hope DD had a good time, OP

i understand the tantrums as panic attacks, DD has ASD and her anxiety levels are uncontrollable at times

and yes, i'd love a box of malteasers too

5madthings Sat 11-May-13 17:45:38

Maltesers and a fiver is a great gift, mine would be thrilled with that smile

pigletmania Sat 11-May-13 18:04:41

Ooooh you would be my best friend maltesers are my favourite smile. Just wandering op, does your dd have any sn?

pigletmania Sat 11-May-13 18:07:56

Oops sorry op just read back blush

PearlyWhites Sat 11-May-13 18:25:16

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PearlyWhites Sat 11-May-13 18:32:20

Ahhh dd distracted me above post was meant to be a pm to the op

TwoFourSixOhOne Sat 11-May-13 18:42:03

Hi, I was going to message you back but I'll put it here in case it's useful for anyone else.

I went through my GP, who has been fantastic. We saw the paed to start with but he said it's out of his area of expertise so he has referred us to the psychology team at CAHMS, we are now waiting for that appointment.

As far as coping strategies go, it is hard going. Plenty of reassurance and time is the best way to get her to do things, but obviously that's easier said than done a lot of the time. Getting out of the house on time is a flash point.

We've found that what works one day doesn't work the next, it's like constantly hitting a brick wall. She doens't cope with attention, although she craves it. So we'll be sitting with her doing something she wants to do and she'll push and push and push until we're in an argument. Since we;ve identified this it's been easier (a bit!) to distract and cajole her without being suckered into a row.

When she does passive avoidance, like laying on the floor, covering her ears, pretending she;s a cat, the only thing that works is patience, and asking her again just leads to a violent screaming meltdown.

It is so stressful, but she is so wonderful when she's not being an insane nightmare, she's beautiful and sweet and funny and then she just turns into a snarling animal.

Asking for help and being told it's an actual thing was the best thing we ever did as a family. She's the middle child, we have DS1 who's 10 and DS2 is 20 months, so you can imagine how her issues have a knock on effect.

How was the party?

TwoFourSixOhOne Sat 11-May-13 20:16:08

She had a brilliant time, it was a disco and she came home with a party bag stuffed full of makeup.

She then spent the afternoon dancing around with false nails and green eyeshadow....

<sob> my baby girl

Sounds fab. Green eyeshadow grin

sparklekitty Sat 11-May-13 20:21:25

Ah, just read this and was about to ask how your DD got on. So glad she had a good time, sounds like you all deserved for her to have fun after the morning you've had smile

thebody Sat 11-May-13 20:31:56

I have read this thread with interest as I know a young child with this.

Can I ask when your dd feels threatened and stressed is she violent towards others. If yes has she grown out if this?

So glad she enjoyed the party.

kneedeepindaisies Sat 11-May-13 20:35:43

Glad she had fun. Green eyeshadow is pretty fab grin

TwoFourSixOhOne Sat 11-May-13 20:38:22

She is violent, yes, horribly so with her older brother and with us, much less with 'outsiders' and so far never with DS2.

She seems to hold it together more at school, she is more passively avoidant rather than flying into a rage. I tend to get the brunt of it when I pick her up <sigh>, as though she's held it in all day.

thebody Sat 11-May-13 20:46:24

I am in awe of you op. the child I know sounds so much like your dd.

I think it's so difficult because these children can be irresistibly lovely and fun and nice and then inexplicably be the exact opposite.

People just see them as spoilt and needing a firm hand when in actual fact they are very anxious and feel under threat.

TwoFourSixOhOne Sat 11-May-13 20:57:22

Thank you thanks.

It's so hard not to feel like a terrible parent when your nine year old is throwing herself to the floor and screaming because you've asked her to clean her teeth before bed, or something equally as innocuous.

And it's exhausting when the strategy that worked like a dream all last week suddenly fails completely and has the opposite effect.

You wouldn't be in awe of me if you saw me screaming back at her though, I'm not always brilliant at the calm and measured approach although I'm trying.

sad

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