To FB msge the girl bullying DD & tell her to stay the fuck away?

(227 Posts)
Gossipmonster Sat 11-May-13 09:02:30

I am not going to but it's do tempting.

Said girl encourages others to do unpleasant things to DD. In Sep one of her friends pulled DD to the ground and kicked her in the head repeatedly and yday she encouraged a boy to straddle DD and make disgusting sexual gestures to her, filming it and theatening to put it on FB.

Every day some kind of other low level incident.

School are great and deal with it but I am fed up of DD having to go through this.

Just looked on this girls FB and its wide open all comments from sycophantic friends telling her how amazing she is. I just want to write what a total birch she is who is making my DD's life hell sad

I won't as I am bigger than that and am using correct channels but this is horrid sad

Tee2072 Sat 11-May-13 09:03:53

School is not great dealing with this if it is still happening. Why have the children who are doing the bullying being properly punished and excluded?

But, yes, don't do anything on FB.

Gossipmonster Sat 11-May-13 09:05:23

The kids who have done the things have been dealt with (police were involved) but this girl keeps her nose clean by getting others to do her dirty work.

D0oinMeCleanin Sat 11-May-13 09:06:58

I would advise the school that if it continues you will be speaking to the police and LEA. Dealing with it means stopping it. Like Tee said, the girl and her accomplices should have been excluded and loose unsupervised breaks if they still cannot be trusted.

Tee2072 Sat 11-May-13 09:09:52

And the other kids didn't drop her in it? Are you sure she's the leader?

HollyBerryBush Sat 11-May-13 09:10:37

IF she (the girl) was encouraging and filming a sexual assault - then go back to the police.

Gossipmonster Sat 11-May-13 09:10:38

I sent them an email yesterday saying I am fed up with it.

DD luckily is quite resilient but how much does 1 13 yr old have to put up with?

All she wants to do is go o bloody school.

Fairylea Sat 11-May-13 09:14:33

I was bullied in a similar way at a similar age and actually changed schools because of it, which was the best thing for me. Would that be an option? It might not be for lots of reasons but just thoughtId mention it.

givemeaclue Sat 11-May-13 09:20:42

My niece changed schools and is much happier. Re the incident yesterday I would be contacting the police, the governors of kid school, the bullies parents, the head and anyone else I could think of. Those kids have assaulted your daughter I would be kicking down doors to get them excluded. That is not a low level incident it is horrific. If you haven't already gone to the police about it please do so it is horrendous your poor dd it must be hello for you.

DeskPlanner Sat 11-May-13 09:21:08

Go back to the police If someone was straddling your dd yesterday and stimulating sex while this idiot was filming it, it need reporting to the police. Go and report them this morning.

givemeaclue Sat 11-May-13 09:21:09

Hell not hello

A boy straddling your DD and making sexual "moves" isn't low level and I agree that this is a police matter. I wouldn't allow this to be minimised. Exclusions should have happened after this incident, as it should when your DD was physically assaulted, as well as that being a police matter. Usually, only if the perpetrator is "looked after" is it not an exclusion. Take it higher and contact the police yourself, if this isn't dealt with better by the school.

givemeaclue Sat 11-May-13 09:23:14

Agree with deskplanner, sending an email is not enough for an assault on your ddthat was filmed. You need to kick up a massive fuss about this seriously , get mad and get the school stopping it and log every issue with police

Fancydrawers Sat 11-May-13 09:23:55

Christ I'd want to grab that nasty little cow by the ear and say a few things to scare the shit out of her. Go and make a fuss to everyone you can. Your poor daughter.

Gossipmonster Sat 11-May-13 09:24:45

Sorry I didn't mean that was low level.

The two incidents I mentioned are the serious ones.

Every day there is name calling etc.

givemeaclue Sat 11-May-13 09:27:01

What did the police and school say, what are they doing about it!?

ThenWeTakeBerlin Sat 11-May-13 09:27:04

Don't have any contact with her on fb.

Get the police and LEA involved and kick up a fuss.

Nanny0gg Sat 11-May-13 09:28:10

E-mail and fed up?
Understatement, surely?

Keep the police involved, demand meetings with HoY, and Head Teacher.
Copy everything to CoG and get onto the LA and Ofsted (Safeguarding).

Batter their doors down till something changes.

Does your daughter have a friendship group? Is she the only one targeted?

I'd be very tempted to keep her at home.

BreasticlesNTesticles Sat 11-May-13 09:31:59

Isn't the stradlding inciden sexual assault? I'd want it treated as such by the police.

Can you get the girl and her parents into school for a meeting?

Gossipmonster Sat 11-May-13 09:32:12

She has a really nice friendship group.

We had RJ with the girl who assaulted her which worked as the girl is still friends with the ring leader but now seems to try and discourage her from being a cow to DD and her and DD are civil/friendly to each other.

The lad from yday has to see the head with his mum on Monday.

His mum is a teacher at the school hmm grin.

Gossipmonster Sat 11-May-13 09:33:26

DD would not go to the police re sexual assault - she was more upset about it being put on FB - which the teacher stopped and made whoever delete it in front of him.

puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE Sat 11-May-13 09:34:08

Your poor DD sad

I would inform the police about the sexual assault. Lots of times things like this are treated as part of the cycle of bullying when they should be seperate incidents which people should be punished for seperately.

Get a statement from that teacher too.

LEMisdisappointed Sat 11-May-13 09:38:04

I agree with breasticles (uggghh, name!!grin) It absolutely was a sexual assault - bastards, don't let the school brush this under the carpet because he is the son of a teacher angry

I was bullied throuhout my schooling and im sorry to say that at 42 it still affects me and has moulded my life in a negative way. My parents handled it well, the school didn't.

It is the low level stuff, the insidious, under the radar stuff that hurts the most.

Don't post anything on facebook, you'll be playing into her hands.

Be a squeaky wheel until this is sorted. Demand a meeting with the head and find out what they are going to do, not to monitor the situation, but to make it stop - I'd want the bloody cow and her cohorts expelled if this was my dd.

LEMisdisappointed Sat 11-May-13 09:39:36

shock I cannot believe the teacher made that person delete the phone footage - that is so out of order i can't put it into words, that was evidence. He should have confiscated the phone and handed it over to the police. But the boy is the ds of a teacher - im sorry, but this is so wrong sad

CouthyMow Sat 11-May-13 09:41:00

That is horrific. I would go to the police about the sexual assault - that is over and above what a school should be dealing with.

Look at it this way - if YOU were at work, and one of your colleagues pinned you down, straddled you, and stimulated sex with you, what would you do? Contact your managers (the equivalent of telling the HT), or call the police?

Your DD does not have to put up with this, and it is escalating.

I know she doesn't want to report it, but she should not feel ANY shame about this incident - it wasn't HER that sexually assaulted someone. Only the perpetrator should feel ashamed. If she feels ashamed, she shouldn't.

BigBlockSingsong Sat 11-May-13 09:42:54

Kudos for you and dd for staying strong, I was horrifically bullied at school, was too ashamed to tell my mum.

CouthyMow Sat 11-May-13 09:43:39

And yes, the teacher deleting the film, which was evidence, is so shocking as to gobsmack me.

If your DD does change her mind and go to the police, that teacher has destroyed evidence.

The SCHOOL should have confiscated the phone, contacted the police, and handed the phone over.

It's what happened at my DD's school when a very similar incident occurred.

The boy ended up in court and got community service.

Doubtfuldaphne Sat 11-May-13 09:44:06

My son went through some bullying although it was only on Facebook - not as serious as this. But I have to say I messaged all involved and told them to stay the f away and not to ever mess with my family.
My son was pretty mortified but I just couldn't help it. The school werent bothered as they said if its not happening in school then it's not up to then!
The best thing to do is go to the police. Definitely. And the school should be taking all this much more seriously and acting quicker.
I think I'd be wanting to change schools if I was you

CouthyMow Sat 11-May-13 09:46:13

Tbh, as a parent, I would act in my DD's best interests and contact the police, even if it IS against her wishes.

As a parent we often have to do things and make decisions for our DC's that they don't agree with, but are in their best interests long term.

The school is not following correct procedures. It sounds to me like they are trying to cover this up, minimise the incident, and try to brush it under the carpet.

That is not acceptable, and not helpful to your DD.

Gossipmonster Sat 11-May-13 09:47:15

She doesn't want to change schools.

She (and I) just want her to be able to attend school without being assaulted.

You need to be the adult and go to the police. Sorry.

CouthyMow Sat 11-May-13 09:50:08

And yes, I would seriously consider changing her school.

Your DD is in a school that minimises sexual assault, doesn't follow correct procedure about calling the police - this is a safeguarding issue - destroys evidence of sexual assault, doesn't deal appropriately with bullying, leaves your DD having to be around someone who has sexually assaulted her, doesn't deal with the ringleader of the bullies because she isn't doing the work herself...

Not exactly a great school for your DD.

And if she's 13, then I assume she's in Y8? If so, best to move her now, before she has to choose her options in Y9. That way it gives her a chance to settle before she hits her GCSE's.

Gossipmonster Sat 11-May-13 09:53:06

She is in Yr 9.

I am happy with the way the school are dealing with it at the moment.

I will not force DD to go to the police.

It was very hard for her to go through the RJ last year.

CouthyMow Sat 11-May-13 09:53:43

The police can press charges even if your DD doesn't want them to. There is also a chance that they may be able to recover the film from the phone.

You have to be the adult here. If the school are not doing everything they can (and I don't think they are) to allow your DD to attend school without being bullied, then it's probably NOT the right school for her.

As I said, if YOU would call the police if a work colleague did this to you, then you need to call the police on your DD's behalf.

Gossipmonster Sat 11-May-13 09:57:19

I do not want these kids to have a criminal record for bad deduction making egged on by a ringleader of a group.

They are all after all kids. It is not a witch hunt.

DD doesn't want them to have their futures ruined either (as a sexual assault conviction would - not that I believe it would go that far anyway).

I just want the girl to leave her alone - the rest of her school life is very happy.

spidersandslugs Sat 11-May-13 09:57:21

Pull your dd out of the school? I know it's a drastic measure but the school & police don't seem to be effective. Perhaps write to your local MP & seek legal advice. Maybe you could get a restraining order put on that nasty piece of work?

It is absolutely appalling that this is going on.

I was badly bullied as a 13yo. My dp's actually confronted the bully although the bullying got worse from then on & she also had "minions" doing her dirty work. Dp's resorted to pulling me out of the school & into the next nearest one to us. I had a much better time when I swapped schools. I made lovely friends & became resilient to any nastiness.

I really feel for your dd. She is obviously feeling frightened & humiliated. Horrid, horrid situation. Hope it stops or at least your dd gets away from it. Will be thinking of you & your dd.

Gossipmonster Sat 11-May-13 09:57:50

Decision sorry.

Gossipmonster Sat 11-May-13 09:59:40

Also there are not any other appropriate schools in this area - I got her into the best option.

I have two sons at the school and work full time and cannot physically get her to another school even if I wanted to.

CouthyMow Sat 11-May-13 10:01:38

Birdsgottafly - I have one question. Why is it that a 'looked after child' can seriously assault another child, and NOT be excluded, even though any other child who did the same thing would be excluded?

Is that in any way fair on their victim?

I ask this because there is a 'looked after child' who assaulted my DS2 by exposing him by pulling down his pants and trousers, and then dragging him across the school field, to the point where i had to take him to the GP to get antibiotic cream to treat the cuts and scrapes on his back, which were weeping for over a week, at school, who wasn't excluded, wasn't even kept off the playground.

The police weren't interested as both my DS2 and the boy in question were only 8yo at the time.

Why should that boy be allowed to assault my DS2 without punishment? I was in care, I was still responsible for my own behaviour as a child at school, no allowances were made, and I don't think they should be.

It's unreasonable to have one set of rules and punishments for most DC's, and a separate, lesser set for 'looked after children'.

Having a shit childhood doesn't absolve you from personal responsibility, and quite right too!

(And I had a shittier childhood than most!)

burberryqueen Sat 11-May-13 10:02:13

i understand your decision but you need to go to that school and at least threaten them with action from the police and social services (child protection issue - your DD is at significant risk of harm in their care right?) and kick up an almighty stink - a teacher deleted the video? wtf? and the boy has 'to see the head with his mum' - big fucking deal!!! I am outraged on your dd's behalf and nothing more will surprise me about UK schools, all they are interested is reputation and league tables, not the bloody children.

CSIJanner Sat 11-May-13 10:03:30

Whether or not the by was egged on by the others, he has a mind of his own and took it as far as he did. He should be reported to the police whether your daughter does it or whether the school takes it that far. If they don't, then shame on them.

Another view is that if he doesn't get reported to the police, the ringleader might think that it's fine to try again as they got away with it last time with only discipline from the HT. if yu want to stop it, you need to get the boy to admit why he did it, implicating the ringleader. She'll carry on getting others to do her dirty work until she's pulled up on it.

burberryqueen Sat 11-May-13 10:03:44

hang on - on what terms is this school 'the best'? GCSE league tables? there are more important things here than that i would say.

Gossipmonster Sat 11-May-13 10:07:51

There isn't another option school wise and more importantly that isn't what DD wants and I think it's important she has some control here.

I work for social care - it is not a CP issue.

You are doing your daughter no favours if you don't go to the police and get this treated with the seriousness it deserves. You owe those other kids fuck all. If I thought one of mine was participating in something like this I would be bloody raging. They and you can't absolve all blame on to the ringleader. Each of the other kids is making a choice.

Please go to the police.

Oh and the school should not have made them delete the evidence.

Tee2072 Sat 11-May-13 10:08:40

This is not just kids being kids. This is a serious offence. They sexually assaulted your daughter. Who will they do this, or worse, to next?

CocacolaMum Sat 11-May-13 10:09:03

Tell the school that after the next incident you will be going to your local newspaper about their lack of action - they have until then to bring this arsehole child in line. Sometimes I really hope Karma is a real thing.

LEMisdisappointed Sat 11-May-13 10:10:27

DD doesn't want them to have their futures ruined either (as a sexual assault conviction would - not that I believe it would go that far anyway)"

What about YOUR DD's future?? Who has put that into her mind? I told you that the bullying in my school years is still blighting my life at 42, this wont go away. I left school at 16 (15 in reality because i just stopped going in the end, as i coudlnt stand it anymore) with no qualifications. OK so i went back to university as a mature student but due to the fact that I have NO confidence i have never really made use of my qualifications etc. What frustrates me - i wanted to be a vet, but i never thought i was good enough - i have a PhD now, turns out i would have been then. Those bullies took that away from me. Don't let this happen to your DD. I had friends at school but ironically im not in any of the group photos that get put up on facebook, this is because i never went to school due to the bullies and I didn't go to any school events and trips - again, because of the bullying. It sounds a very similar situation to what your DD is suffering now - my parents should have involved the police but the school brushed it under the carpet.

I understand you dont want to move schools and why should you, actually that would be letting the bullies win - but if this was my DD i would not be letting this ride. Please get this sorted out for your DDs sake, i can't bear to think of her going through what i did. Horrible

HollyBerryBush Sat 11-May-13 10:11:13

Op - I'm coming in hard here. You are the parent, it is your job to protect your daughter.

GO TO THE POLICE <<<< stern words!

I wouldn't give a monkies that the boys mother is a teacher.

if you don't go to the police YOU are facilitating this behaviour

Fancydrawers Sat 11-May-13 10:11:28

I have to be honest here and say I don't think you're setting a good example to your daughter by ignoring the fact that she was assaulted.

burberryqueen Sat 11-May-13 10:12:07

I work for social care - it is not a CP issue
well someone is failing to protect your daughter and turning a blind eye to sexual assault - so it sounds an awful lot like to to me.

Stop making excuses for these childrens behaviour. Report them to the police, your daughter needs you to protect her. To what extent do they have to go before she becomes the one who is protected from having a fucked up life. Should she end up self harming and suicidal over the bullying so as to protect these little shots lives?

As for this being the best school. Clearly it's not. She is being emotionally and physically and sexually abused.

Gossipmonster Sat 11-May-13 10:13:17

I don't think I am letting it ride.

I emailed the school yesterday I don't really expect them to reply before Monday.

DD is confidant and happy and has supportive friends, sidings and me telling her how amazing she is every day.

The bullies probably don't have that, which is why DD will achieve all she wants and they prob won't.

HollyBerryBush Sat 11-May-13 10:13:26

I work for social care - it is not a CP issue

you need to get on an up to date training course, pronto.

No wonder social workers get such stick.

I know just how tempting this is. I've had very similar with my 12 year old son and a nasty violent bully. I did actually send a message to the boy who was bullying my son which I do very much regret.

My son has been punched on many occasions by this thug, and whilst the school do deal with every assault they don't seem able to stop it.

My advice would be to go with the police. I found them to be very interested. They were happy to go round and have a chat with the family. Apparently the family didn't really give a shit which I guess explains why bullies exist in the first place. The police told me that they can and do prosecute bullies. It might just be a police caution but it will be on his file for ever.

Take control. She is a child who needs protecting. Sometimes we have to realise that kids do not have the capacity to deal with these situations appropriately and this is one of them.

MrsHoarder Sat 11-May-13 10:15:00

Stop thinking about marring their lives with a criminal conviction, think of it as doing them a favour to get a relatively minor criminal conviction for sexual assault under 16 rather than the one they will get when they decide to rape a young woman when out on the piss because no-one has ever set boundaries for them.

And I hate to point this out, but there is a "default victim" for this group already and its your job to stop all this as much as you can. That means Police. RJ may have worked with one girl and been hard on your DD, can you really ask her to do it with every member of the group?

Btw. Incitement, as it used to be called, or as its now known encouraging or assisting crime is a criminal offence.

Why are you being so passive? Why are you not putting your DD and her protection before anything else?

I'm shocked at your reaction.

You're right about the bullies probably not having the support your daughter has.

My son has been bullied by so many little thugs over the years and in my experience, not one of them comes from a loving home. I tell my son that really he should pity them as they are probably just replicating what goes on in their own home.

Where I work a safeguarding form would have had to be completed for the assault as well as an incident form and an investigation would have ensued. It is a child protection issue FFS.

Do you really think you telling her she is fab everyday is going to be able to cancel out the torture and abuse she is going through? Seriously, I would be camped put at that fucking school, email????? I would be on the phone to the police, I would be roaring like a fucking mummy lion to get this sorted.

HollyBerryBush Sat 11-May-13 10:19:07

Really, thinking about it, why should school take it seriously - you don't see the severity of a sexual assault either

LEMisdisappointed Sat 11-May-13 10:21:59

You are contradicting yourself - you just said that the bullies sycophant friends are always bigging her up on facebook so Im sorry you have your head firmly in the sand here. You are also kidding yourself to think that your DD will achieve everything she wants if this is allowed (by the adults who should be protecting her) to continue - her confidence WILL be eroded.

Madamecastafiore - you are exactly right, that is where i was when i left school, suicidal, self harming and on ADs. It was because of the bullying, It never left me.

I don't blame my parents, they did the best they could but probably put too much faith in the school to sort it out.

It so is a child protection issue - and for whatever reason, the school are failing to protect your DD. They are probably talking to the bullies and sympathising over their "issues" well fuck them and their issues, the only person that matters here is your DD. That boy needs a shot up the arse - as you say, it probably wont end in a prosecution but he needs to be made aware in no uncertain terms that he has commited a sexual crime - maybe, if he has any decency in him, will be enough to shock him into thinking twice next time eh? So far, hes the hero to his sick friends, maybe when he goes on to be involved in a gang rape...........

Gossipmonster Sat 11-May-13 10:22:25


I cannot believe I am being called a shit parent here.


It was dealt with.

I am waiting to see what the schools reaction is on Monday.

I will not force my DD to report this to the police - he put his leg over on on her chair and gesticulated I am sure his mum will kill him anyway.

I await the schools response before making a rash, hysterical deduction.

In the meantime I continue to support my DD.

I cannot believe someone has sexually assaulted your child and you have not been to the Police. I am shocked. You really really should go to the police and report this. part of being a parent is doing unpleasant things sometimes for the greater good in the long run. This is one of those times. Please go to the police

ihearsounds Sat 11-May-13 10:26:18

One way to get these bullies to stop and realise that your dd isn't going to take their shit anymore is to start pressing charges. Once they have spent a couple of hours in a cell they will hopefully think about what they are doing and will stop.

You need to protect your child. It doesn't matter what happens to the other people. If they screw up their futures they only have themselves to blame. You have to think about what this is going to do with your dd's future, and the impact that it has in the long term.

Yes it was really stupid of the teacher to delete the evidence. However, the police forensics should be able to retrieve the stuff.

burberryqueen Sat 11-May-13 10:26:44

oh right i thought you said you didn't want to get the police involved.....of course you are not a 'shit parent'!! It is a bloody minefield bringing up teenagers, and horrible horrible facebook really doesn't help. Have you thought about encouraging your daughter to delete her account or at least deactivate it for a while?

Fucking hell, what would you do if a male colleague straddled you on a chair and dry humped you?

I'd knee him in the bollocks be down in hr demanding his suspension and calling the police.

Do not minimise what has happened here. Your daughter has been sexually assaulted.

Gossipmonster Sat 11-May-13 10:28:54

They don't bully her on FB as those involved are blocked.

LEMisdisappointed Sat 11-May-13 10:29:49

Oh sorry, is that ALL he did? i thought he "straddled her and made disgusting sexual gestures whilst it was filmed, then they threatened to put it on FB"............honestly, some people eh, make a mountain out of a molehill - really, your DD was being prissy even bothering to say anything about this.

And NO i do not think you are a bad parent, i think you just can't bear to think how bad it really is for your lovely brave DD who is trying her best to rise above all of this. I understand this i really do, none of us want to believe the worse.

Emailing the school was good - but on Monday morning, you need to be making an appointment to be the head, log it with the police and get ofsted involved, its gone on for long enough, the school aren't doing enough.

burberryqueen Sat 11-May-13 10:32:00

yes well we would all do well to stay away from it completely tbh, the title of the thread would suggest some kind of activity there.....

Doha Sat 11-May-13 10:39:30

You are failing your daughter. She is a child and you are her mother-an adult responsible for the well being of your daughter.
You emailed the school !!! You are waiting their response--to little too late. Your daughter was sexually assaulted in school, l bet if it had been elsewhere would you have acted by repsoting it to the police.
That should have been reported to the police. Stuff the boys future angry
What sort of emotional damage is being done to your DD, and you seem to be minimising this act.
The school is not dealing with this well enough-surely you can see that. Are you worried she will be made leave the school if you complain too much !!! I hope not

Leave the school Doha, I wouldn't be sending dd till this was all sorted out.

Gossipmonster Sat 11-May-13 10:43:08

Anyone who knows what they are talking about will know that you cannot report a sexual assault on behalf of someone else anyway hmm.

Happylady09 Sat 11-May-13 10:44:03

I was bullied at school and my mum made the mistake of not contacting the police as I advised not to, the only reason I advised not to was because I would have thought it would make it worse and I would have been some what embarrassed, I was 13yo and not mature at all so wasn't ready to make a mature decision. I was bullied badly, and I wish I had done something about it now. My life problems always come down to the bullies and how low they made me feel. You need to step up be a responsible mother and call the police. Also I think an email is inadequate... Call them as soon as they open! An email seems less urgent and this is a serious and URGENT matter. I'd either be on the phone or knocking down their door. shock

LEMisdisappointed Sat 11-May-13 10:44:23

You fucking can if its a minor

HollyBerryBush Sat 11-May-13 10:45:02

Anyone who knows what they are talking about will know that you cannot report a sexual assault on behalf of someone else anyway

Assuming your daughter is a minor, you can.

I really think you need to go on a training course. the fact that you are on the peripherals of social care unsettles me somewhat. I hope to Christ, you're whole department isn't that misinformed.

Gossipmonster Sat 11-May-13 10:45:08

Not at 13 you can't.

We report lots of sexual assaults and abuse at work. Police then have to take statement from child.

What a load of bollox you are spouting. What if a 2 year old is assaulted do you do nothing as they don't understand the implications and can't report it themselves? No!!!

burberryqueen Sat 11-May-13 10:47:01

well obvs the police would have to take a statement from your daughter, not you, why are you getting so defensive? suggesting that people here 'don't know what they are talking about' ? you asked for advice and you have it. And btw you know as well as anyone that this is a child protection issue! why are you denying that?

HollyBerryBush Sat 11-May-13 10:48:11

I'm afraid Op - you haven't a Scooby what you are talking about. A fair few of us work in child protection roles.

but as you seem to be brushing this whole episode under that carpet as a bit of a non event, I do pity your poor daughter who has no one defending her corner

Yes you can. Even at 13.

Women's refuge will report assault and police will come and interview victim.

Neighbour can report domestic violence and police can now prosecute without victims consent.

Step up and protect your daughter. Stop putting obstacles in the way.

Gossipmonster Sat 11-May-13 10:49:10

I didn't ask for advice I was just having a rant.

The police would not be able to take this any further if DD was unwilling to make a statement which she doesn't want to do.

Anyway thanks for the replies I am now hiding this.

Viviennemary Sat 11-May-13 10:51:03

I agree that if this is still happening it isn't be dealt with adequately. And absolutely don't post anything on facebook. Complain again to school and to her parents if they are the sort you could complain to. And any kind of sexual assault must be reported to the police.

burberryqueen Sat 11-May-13 10:51:44

good hide it then, your poor daughter, you 'tell her she is fab' but do not protect her from sexual assualt. fine.

Viviennemary Sat 11-May-13 10:52:08

Didn't see last post. Sorry.

ihearsounds Sat 11-May-13 10:56:11

Good hide away. Bury your head further into the sand about the long term effects this will have on your dd. As long as the bullies lives don't get ruined that is all that matters, right?

crashdoll Sat 11-May-13 11:03:27

You work in social care, what do you do? Even I (as a student social worker who has not yet worked in child protection) know that this is a big issue. It is definitley not 'kids being kids'.

cloutiedumpling Sat 11-May-13 11:10:06

Please do go and speak to the police about this. They can speak to the teacher who insisted that the video clip was deleted. If he saw the clip before it was deleted he can confirm that your daughter was the victim of a sexual assault. Hopefully the involvement of the police will be enough to spur the school into dealing with this effectively.

JackieOHHH Sat 11-May-13 11:15:32

Not saying it's right, but worked for us. I got the girl on her own, and told her, very quietly, that if she EVER bothered my daughter again I would rip her head off.
Also told her mother I'd do same to her if she didn't sort her bitch daughter out.
I ws very emotional at the time, I'm not proud of it, and daughter was going through medical tests at the time as she was very ill.
So yeah, not the proudest moment in my life, and not to be encouraged, bt when you've had enough, you've had ENOUGH.

Patosshades Sat 11-May-13 11:22:42

Gosh this is a sad thread to read. I hope the OP cottons on to the fact her daughter is putting on a brave face pretty sharpish and takes control here.

DebsMorgan Sat 11-May-13 11:30:43

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DebsMorgan Sat 11-May-13 11:33:33

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CelticPixie Sat 11-May-13 11:38:22

I experience a very similar thing to your daughter OP. I don't want to go into it in detail, but it too was "sexual bullying" if that's what you an call it. I never told my parents but had I done so my dad would have battered the lad that did it senseless (probably why I didn't speak out) however I wish now that I had done something because I found out a few years ago that the same lad physically assaulted his girlfriend. So he was obviously an abuser of women in the making back then.

Please don't let this go. These bullies are fucking scum to do this to your DD.

Wow. Just wow.

ImperialBlether Sat 11-May-13 11:42:15

"you cannot report a sexual assault on behalf of someone else anyway"

Of course you can!

OP, you came on here telling us about really shocking behaviour on the part of the bullies and the school. I am absolutely gobsmacked at the thought of them deleting the video without taking it further.

Now you are backing down, saying you don't want these children to suffer. Who do you want to protect here? If your daughter tells you she's been sexually assaulted and filmed in school then of course you can tell the police!

I am shocked that you say this is not a CP issue and agree with whoever said you really need to ask for more training.

SilvercloudRainbow Sat 11-May-13 11:45:30

As others have said, this is neither "low level" or being dealt with efficiently. You've been to the police but you need to go back as the situation has escalated. I'm glad your daughter has a good friendship group and is otherwise happy and well adjusted but I find it hard to believe that if she's experiencing this kind of abuse on a daily basis at school that it isn't having a really detrimental effect on her education and mental health.
I can't really accept that you work with social care/services when you seem to know so little about what you can and cannot report regarding the sexual assault of a 13 year old girl.

Nanny0gg Sat 11-May-13 11:50:36

This is all now pointless, if the OP has hidden the thread, but I really don't understand the contradictions and the pussyfooting.

She's only 13. Sometimes you have to override their wishes for their best interests.

Nanny0gg Sat 11-May-13 11:53:05

Does anyone else remember a similar thread before?
Was it the same OP and situation?

differentnameforthis Sat 11-May-13 12:20:49

I do not want these kids to have a criminal record for bad deduction making egged on by a ringleader of a group

Erm..there may have been a ringleader, but he did it. And I don't see how he isn't to blame! Not like he had a gun to his head. I would go to the police. I tell you what, if a kid did that to my dd, their future & therefore criminal record or lack of would not be the first thing on my mind.

It has been 9mths of systematic bullying. Something needs to happen, I don't know what (my daughter would be out of that school quicker than you can say bully - but that's just me) but it has to be more than the school are currently doing.


Fairylea Sat 11-May-13 12:30:33

I agree something needs to be done regardless of your daughters wishes. She's probably scared if the police get involved or whatever that things will be worse for her.

For me personally when the school became more involved the psychological bullying got worse, which is why I changed schools in the end.

If you say you can't get her to another school then you need to look at what can be done.. public transport (if she cannot get to her local school then a further away one should have some sort of transport provision if not public, some sort of school bus system like we have in Norfolk) or you might need to change your hours of work or try to in order to get her to a different school.

Simply carrying on like this isn't really an option.

hackmum Sat 11-May-13 12:38:54

I feel sorry for the OP - she's clearly done what she thinks is best - but I feel more sorry for her DD.

I'm going to say what I always say in these situations: if you went into work every day and your work colleagues were doing this to you, would you think it acceptable? Would you put on a brave face and put up with it? Because this kind of behaviour is no less distressing if you're a 13 year old girl than if you're an adult woman.

uncongenial Sat 11-May-13 12:41:22

Christ OP, are you for real? And you work in CP, you should know better <shakes head>

differentnameforthis Sat 11-May-13 12:42:14

DD is confidant and happy and has supportive friends, sidings and me telling her how amazing she is every day

That's great, but bullying CAN & will affect all that! Especially sexual assault sad

TSSDNCOP Sat 11-May-13 12:45:01


100% MN: YES!!!!!


FreyaSnow Sat 11-May-13 12:47:34

I saw the film Compliance recently; it is about the true story of how a young woman is sexually assaulted because people think that authority figures think it is acceptable. There are a lot of echoes of that here. If a teacher deletes the footage, another child encourages the assault, the school do very little and the parents do not view it as a police matter and are concerned with the outcome for the assailant not the victim, all the children involved are vulnerable to abuse and to engaging in criminal activity in the future because they didn't see it dealt with properly this time.

differentnameforthis Sat 11-May-13 12:50:05

I am sure his mum will kill him anyway

I am sure his mum won't! Like you say, bullies don't tend to have loving homes, they also tend to have parents who don't give a shit about their behaviour. Why else would he think this type of behaviour is OK? Because no one has cared enough to show him that you don't assault people.

Help your daughter before it is too late!

differentnameforthis Sat 11-May-13 12:53:54

...your lovely brave DD who is trying her best to rise above all of this

I wonder how much of that is because her mother is being so passive about it? I mean, she would try to rise above it if her own mother isn't that concerned about it, wouldn't she? Don't rock the boat & all that! It can't be that serious if mum isn't worried. sad

Wibblypiglikesbananas Sat 11-May-13 12:53:57

If this is for real then I feel sorry for your daughter. You have not dealt with this appropriately at all. What would it take for you to go to the police? Why are you protecting the bullies? What kind of message does that give to your daughter?

Your thread title leads everyone to believe that you are, understandably, extremely upset about this and want something done. Except you've failed to do anything concrete - one email to a teaching team who've deleted evidence of a serious sexual assault is hardly going to help, is it?

Go to the police and start parenting your daughter properly - otherwise in ten years' time, there'll be a stately homes thread about someone who was sexually assaulted at school and her mother failed to help.

DebsMorgan Sat 11-May-13 12:56:16

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

differentnameforthis Sat 11-May-13 12:56:49

Anyone who knows what they are talking about will know that you cannot report a sexual assault on behalf of someone else anyway

Pretty sure that isn't true if the person is a minor. So are you telling me that if my daughter was assaulted (she is 9), then the police wouldn't let me report that?

Big fat hairy bollocks, op!

larrygrylls Sat 11-May-13 12:59:15

What is this thread about? Bullying. And what have many of you done to the OP? Bullied her. I hope you are proud of yourselves.

She has engaged with the authorities (both school and police); she is clearly taking it seriously. What she knows and none of you do are the nuances of the bullying and her daughter's situation and behaviour. She asserts that her daughter is basically happy at school and has a good network of friends and is a resilient person. She has listened to her daughter and is working with the school and her daughter to achieve an optimal outcome.

You are all obsessed with her going to the police. It is her choice whether to go or not to go. Given the situation, it is not an obvious choice, especially against her daughter's will. What the AIBU was about was posting on the bullies' facebooks, not going to the police. What the OP needed was some practical support (I.E working with her and listening to her, not a prescriptive remedy).

I hope she comes back and some of you with experience actually engage with her and help her achieve an optimal outcome. The police are not the only route and if that is not the route she is choosing to take, there are other ones involving the school...or dealing with it more personally, as she suggested in her OP (not that I would think that was the best idea, but seems to have worked out for some).

Wuldric Sat 11-May-13 13:00:32

It's time that FB was banned from anyone under 18 - it is the work of the very devil.

pigletmania Sat 11-May-13 13:00:53

I agree your dd safety and welfare come first op, the other Chidren should not be your concern. Get your finger out and go to te police, this behaviour is carrying on because nothing s being done and you are letting it! What if next time tey do serious damage to your dd and she needs hospital treatment!

everlong Sat 11-May-13 13:03:13

OP have you been round to the parents of the girl?

pigletmania Sat 11-May-13 13:04:34

How much more will your dd take! Yes she is rising above it now but if it keeps on and on tan she might not! You do seem very passive about it all. One e mail is going to do feck all, you have to show you are serious and you are not going to stand for it by going to te police and taking it higher. No the school are not doing anything about it, still carrying on tey are probably covering for the teacher and his/her son, and are happy you being passive about it

Snazzynewyear Sat 11-May-13 13:07:10

It is getting a bit harsh in here, but it's worth remembering that it's not you giving them a criminal record if you report them - that is their responsibility in choosing to do the things they have. Not your fault, theirs. Not you restricting their future options, but them.

I think another discussion needs to be had with the school to address the root of the problem - this girl - rather than the lackeys who are carrying out her suggestions. The school must be aware of that, surely? Have they addressed things with this girl in any way?

ajandjjmum Sat 11-May-13 13:07:48


differentnameforthis Sat 11-May-13 13:09:07

Well I for one am pleased if the op feels bullied. Perhaps she can read this thread every day for 9mths, feel bullied for 9mths & use that feeling to see where her daughter is at! Perhaps then she will act!

everlong Sat 11-May-13 13:11:17

We had a similar situation last year with ds aged 12 at the time.

A group from another school sending him texts, messages on fb, goading him in the street, a couple acts of physical threats, coming to our house when DH was out shouting and swearing at us.

In the end I got in touch with their school but DH took ds around to their houses and told the parents what had been going on and that if it didn't stop we would go the police.

It stopped thankfully. One of those boys has since been expelled for attacking another pupil.

Don't let this drag on.

Those children need a short sharp shock.

FreyaSnow Sat 11-May-13 13:16:29

LG, I agree that the OP is not primarily responsible here. But the full range of people who are responsible aren't on this thread. Posters can only resond to the OP and advise on her role in helping her daughter.

The daughter may have very good reasons for not going to the police, but having a parent who considers this not to be a child protection matter and is arguing that from a position of authority (as both the parent and a person who works in social care so can claim to be more of an expert than the child in question) suggests the daughter is making that decision is a less than optimal context.

I fully support victims of sexual assault not reporting if that is their choice, but if people around them are doing things that will in one way or another influence that choice, they have to think carefully about that behaviour.

StuntGirl Sat 11-May-13 13:19:33

I am astounded at your attitude OP. I hope your daughter has other people in her life who will help protect her when you won't.

burberryqueen Sat 11-May-13 13:20:50

And what have many of you done to the OP? Bullied her
I do not agree at all, who has 'bullied' OP? Just stated some facts and opinions she did not want to hear. Bullying is what has happened to her daughter.
BTW i do understand about the police, something happened to my son that I once mentioned here under a different name, and I was most reluctant to involve the police ffor various reasons.

3littlefrogs Sat 11-May-13 13:21:15

I agree. Deleting the evidence is appalling. Surely that is a criminal act in itself?

More to do with the perpetrator's mum being a teacher than genuine concern for the victim I think.

drudgewithagrudge Sat 11-May-13 13:24:57

I was bullied at primary school and never forgave my parents especially my father for not sticking up for me. I have suffered anxiety and low self esteem all my life and it all stems from the fact that my parents didn't think I was worth 'causing a fuss' for as they put it.

pigletmania Sat 11-May-13 13:32:24

You cannot keep hiding threads because they tell you the reality, and keep hiding away burying your head in the sand. The schoolis nt oing anything about it as the bullying is still happening and a stupid e mail won't do anything just be filed away or deleted

AitchTwoOhOneTwo Sat 11-May-13 13:42:27

i do think larry makes some good points, to be fair, this does read like quite a pile-on. it does, however, sound like things need to step up a gear regarding these incidents.

OxfordBags Sat 11-May-13 14:13:26

Wanting a child to get the help she needs is not bullying.

"I'm hiding this" appears to be a metaphor for the OP's reaction. That girl is a child. I wholeheartedly agree that children should feel they have control and a say in what happens to them, but as parents, we ultimately have to do what is best for them. And that would be moving her to another school, or even home schooling. There's no point in the OP banging on about how she should be able to go to school and not face this crap - well, of course she shouldn't, the poor girl, but she is facing it and will undoubtedly continue to face it. You can't keep her in an intolerabel situation because of what things should be like; they are not like the ideal, so deal with that. Deal with reality. Do you want to be right, or do you want your DD to be safe from this crap?! If it makes life harder for you, Op, dare I say ... well, tough titty. You're the adult here, you can cope with extra arseaches in your life, she is a child who can't and shouldn't take this.

On another point, and I hope you read this - just because the bullies are blocked on FB, doesn't mean that they aren't saying shocking things about your DD on their own pages, which you won't be able to read, as they are blocked. The school or police need to get access to those, to ensure that they are not badmouthing your DD or plotting new nasty things, etc., etc.

And a last thing: my heart sank when you said that your daughter is a lovely girl who will rise above this and go onto a good life, etc. Because that's what my mum used to say when I was bullied, which also included sexual assault and general sexual threat and sexual verbal abuse. Whilst it's very loving, what she and you both fail to realise that once you have gone through severe bullying, especially including sexual aspects, there's not enough of your self-esteem left to get you over it and create some mythical good future. I am 40 and in therapy in part for the bullying I suffered in my teens because my life has been utterly wasted and sad and full of self-loathing and being unable to trust anyone.

crashdoll Sat 11-May-13 14:46:54

larrygrylls It is not the OP's choice to do what she wants. She is responsible for her 13 year old child.

From what I'm reading, people are concerned that OP's daughter does not have to face this every day at school. Some of us have been bullied and know the pain, regardless of if the daughter is happy or not, being bullied is unpleasant. That incident was a step too far IMO. I hope the OP's daughter gets the support she needs from her family, friends and the school.

Midori1999 Sat 11-May-13 15:12:55

It's lucky for the OP she can hide this thread if she doesn't like what people are saying. What a pity her DD can't do the same with these bullies....

OP, if you are still reading, perhaps you should think about what message you are sending your DD? That she needs to consider the future and feelings of someone who has sexually assaulted her? That they don't deserve to be punished as the law sees fit for their crimes? Surely even if she doesn't want to report, you should be encouraging her to see how serious and unacceptable what has happened to her is and that she wouldn't be getting anyone into trouble by reporting, they have brought it on themselves. By reporting she should also be aware that she may be protecting others, because it is not her fault this is happening to her.

Gossipmonster Sat 11-May-13 17:25:05

I have found a lot if the responses on here quite patronising tbh.

Thanks larry.

Suggesting I should give up my job and home school (am a single parent of 3) hmm.

I am looking after my daughter - just because I do not want to force her into going to the police or change school does not mean I am failing her.

I am dealing with it. Just not the way most posters on this thread think I should.

That doesn't make me wrong, a crap parent mean my DD is suffering more than she should as I communicate with her and I deal with it the way she has asked me to.

larrygrylls Sat 11-May-13 17:36:28

"larrygrylls It is not the OP's choice to do what she wants. She is responsible for her 13 year old child."

Well, actually it is. It is up to her and her daughter, with the support of her school to decide what to do. It is certainly not up to the MN consensus! Justice by AIBU would be strange justice indeed.

No one seems to be able to see that the school is involved, the boy has to see the headmaster with his parents, for instance. The OP's daughter does not want to leave the school or report the matter to police. You can all project your own experiences of bullying on to her, but you actually have no clue what she is going through or how it is affecting her.
I know many people who were bullied (including me for a short while at a relatively low level) and the answers were all different. Moving schools is great assuming the person settles well at the new one and experiences no more bullying. But if they don't? Then there is a pattern of failure in their minds. Equally, involving the police suits the consensus, but, really, considering the actual circumstance as described by the OP (rather than some imagined major incident), what are the police going to do? Even if they give the perpetrator a stern talking to, it is unlikely he is going to be excluded from school, far less arrested or sent to prison. And how does that actually benefit the OP's daughter? She then has to survive in a toxic atmosphere for the rest of her schooling. It is not her responsibility to "protect others", Midori, she is far too young for that role. It is the school's job to do that. They seem to know what is happening and the OP is working with the school.

I suspect that what the OP wanted, really, was support in the decisions she had taken and maybe some non obvious suggestions, not a repeated shouting at that she is failing to protect her daughter, which I don't believe to be the case.

Fancydrawers Sat 11-May-13 17:39:57

Nobody has called you a crap parent. But don't post in AIBU if you don't want honest responses. I don't think you're doing enough.

pigletmania Sat 11-May-13 17:48:07

By not going to the police when she is being assaulted and harassed you are not helping your dd especially whilst this is still carrying on. So you just want those who agree with you hmm

If she was 5. And she had a uti. And didn't want to take anti-biotics would you say "that's ok I'll respect your decision" or would you make her take the medicine because you know it's the best thing in the long run and as the adult you make the call?

This is similar - she doesn't want to, but the right thing to do is go to the police and get it treated properly. Please.

FreyaSnow Sat 11-May-13 17:54:41

LG, I don't know what the police would do. I doubt it is as simple as giving the boy who assaulted her a talking to or sending him to prison. There will be numerous other options available, which presumably the OP would be able to find out by speaking to either the police or a help line that deals with sexual assault.

How do you think it helps to suggest there are no routes the police have to help in this matter?

larrygrylls Sat 11-May-13 17:58:46


I am not categorically stating that. However, you equally cannot state categorically that telling the police would actually make things better rather than worse for the OP's daughter, can you? You like to think it would but, in reality, it could make things worse. And, if reporting were really the only responsible option, would the school not do that considering that they know all the facts?

What I can categorically state, though, is that the OP and her daughter have a right to make the decision that they feel is best for them and them alone and that they do not have to consider the wider impact on society or the MN jury verdict when so doing.

FreyaSnow Sat 11-May-13 18:11:25

LG, this is is a situation where a teenager has been sexually assaulted and both the school (by deleting the evidence) and the parent (by claiming it is not a child protection matter) are showing themselves to be at best compromised in their ability to deal with this matter.

We all might have difficulty if this if it happened to our child. I might not know what to do. So I would seek advice. No, it doesn't have to be reported to the police; the police themselves had systems set up to support victims of assault who do not wish to report.

What is clear is that telling the girl that she is special/loved etc and thinking about responding to bullies on facebook and telling the school is not an adequate solution for the girl, and the OP should get advice, either from the police or a help line. It shouldn't be a choice between the OP's current thinking and the contents of this thread. She should go and get proper advice and support.

As for the people who did it, it isn't just the boy, The main bully encouraged him to do it and recorded it - which are both also police matters.

larrygrylls Sat 11-May-13 18:19:54


Once again you sound like a child protection manual rather than a parent. You hardly mention the actual welfare of the actual child concerned and seem far more interested in whether the correct procedures have been followed.

Ultimately real parents will do what is best for their own children and to describe a concerned educated parent as "compromised" in her ability to make the correct decision for her own child is reducing parenting to a series of manuals and flow charts and is insulting to the OP.

SlumberingDormouse Sat 11-May-13 18:21:03

I know it's a slightly different situation, but I was badly bullied for two years at university. I experienced sexual assaults similar to the attack on your DD. The bullies also stalked me and called and messaged me in the middle of the night threatening to rape me, etc. I went to the police and they didn't press charges but they did create a file and give me support. It was only when I got the police involved, and threatened to go to the press as well, that my uni took it seriously and made it stop.

Gossipmonster Sat 11-May-13 18:25:59

It's not a CP matter because I am a more than adequate parent and I am protecting my daughter.

I am communicating with the school and they with me (they phoned me and told me about the incident before I knew anything about it).

So I take my DD to the police station and force her to talk about this incident to a stranger when she has asked me not to?

That's not going to humiliate her at all is it?

The she has to go back to school? hmm

FreyaSnow Sat 11-May-13 18:29:16

LG, I don't know a great deal about child protection. I can only look at the situation on this thread. It is a situation where a child has been assaulted as part of a series of low level incidents that happen, according to the OP, every day.

It has nothing to do with procedure or flow charts. It is a situation where neither the school nor the parent seem able to change the situation (and I'm sure a lot of us can empathise with being that parent and wanting to tackle the bullies ourselves). If you don't know what to do, the obvious solution would be to go and ask somebody who has a lot of experience at dealing with this stuff, who could potentially help you and your child.

Gossipmonster Sat 11-May-13 18:32:17

I repeat the incidents I mentioned were NOT low level!!!!

LOW LEVEL incidents every day on top on those I mentioned.

I would go in on Monday and see the headteacher, this lad and his mum, and i would ask if there is any way the film can be found on this phone, whoever it belongs to. No coincidence then that his mum is a teacher and this other teacher got it deleted it quickly - they should have confiscated the phone!

I'm not suggesting you force you dd to do anything or that you are failing as a parent but i think you need to get a whole lot angrier on her behalf. I would not be happy if this is still continuing on a daily basis and the school sound ineffective. I would be teaching my dd that no boy should be doing that to her ever again and i would be getting the police to speak to him and not have him anywhere near her.

FreyaSnow Sat 11-May-13 18:34:08

GM, yes I understand that. I wasn't suggesting that either you or I believed the assault was low level. I just phrased the sentence badly.

larrygrylls Sat 11-May-13 18:34:23


It takes time and I hope the school are going to take the matter in hand properly. There is no quick fix to bullying, sadly, and many do end up moving school because of it (including my god daughter).

I think the OP needs to talk to the head about the bullying policy and make sure that it is strictly enforced. Failing that, she could appeal to the board of governors. I suspect those routes would be more successful than involving an external agency, or at least need exhausting first.

There are no good or easy solutions and for lots to pretend the solution is clear is wrong. I am absolutely not against the OP having a quiet word with the police to ask for advice and have her options explained. On the other hand, if you read her post above, I totally concur with her reservations.

And, on a separate point, using words like "compromised", "not protecting her daughter" etc DO come close to bullying of someone when they are feeling vulnerable and in need of support.

If you don't do something now, even if it's just to record it, are you going to be able to live with yourself if they do something even more extreme in the future?

Which is blunt, but that's how I saw it when I was in a situation where something had happened (similar but not the same) and my child didn't want to report it.

TBH OP if this is an example of what she is being subjected to on top of everything else i would not be sending her in until it's dealt with better than this - suspensions etc

Gossipmonster Sat 11-May-13 18:42:38

I have done something to make sure it's been recorded.

I went to the police in Sep and went through the RJ process.

But you really do need to get this latest incident recorded officially with the police. Please.

MarmaladeTwatkins Sat 11-May-13 18:57:53

"Anyone who knows what they are talking about will know that you cannot report a sexual assault on behalf of someone else anyway"

It's not even that! It's the minimising of a serious incident that is riling everyone up.

It's probably very difficult to know that your DD is being so viciously bullied and probably very difficult to acceot. But minimising and excusing what these muppets are doing to your daughter isn't going to make it stop. What is going to make it stop is action. I hope that the school take a hard line on this on Monday or else in your shoes, I would be beating my war drum all the way to the LEA. I would expect instant expuslion of the boy involved, tbh.

I am disgusted by this thread in more ways than one.

Gossipmonster Sat 11-May-13 19:05:31

I haven't minimised it.

It's my daughter - Why was I so angry I wanted to message the girl myself ?

I am taking action through the school.

Other than getting together a group of vigilantes and turning up at the girls home (I don't know where she lives) I am not sure what else I expected to to other than have him areasted which will be pointless and cause my DD further pain and humiliation.

AnAirOfHope Sat 11-May-13 19:05:49

Op i think you are doing the right thing for your dd.

I think its important to teach children conflict management. You will find bullies in every social situation from school to work to clubs. Its important to teach children how to handle the situation and how to follow the procedures the school or institution has in place.

Its important your dd has a say in how she wants to handle the situation after knowing all options to emotionally support her and to support her decission making and increase her confidance in herself.

MarmaladeTwatkins Sat 11-May-13 19:08:34

Conflict management is for when there is a difference of opinion. Not when there's been a sexual assault.

OP, you did minimise it. You went from saying what you did in the OP, which made the whole thing sound very traumatic actually, to "Pffft he only straddled a chair and gesticulated."

So either you over-dramatised in the OP or minimised afterwards...

You already know the school are worse than useless and can't protect her. Why on earth are you so reluctant to go to the police and report it?

AnAirOfHope Sat 11-May-13 19:11:35

Could your dd have councilling to help her handle the situation? Or go on an assertive course or self defence course?

I think its important to give dd the skills to cope with the situation when it is being investigated and sorted by the school.

pigletmania Sat 11-May-13 19:20:09

You might need to change schools if this continues, there are options. She cannot go on fr another 5 years like this

AnAirOfHope Sat 11-May-13 19:20:55

I also think sexual incidences should be delt with zore tolarance by schools. I think boys need to know that it will not be accepted by anyone to saxual insult, assult or attack women or girls.

FreyaSnow Sat 11-May-13 19:23:51

In this incident, the sexual assault was perpetrated by both a boy and a girl. Everyone needs to learn not to assault people.

AnAirOfHope Sat 11-May-13 19:28:20

Yes everyone needs to know its not ok and the same punishment for girls and boys.

AnAirOfHope Sat 11-May-13 19:29:25

Op what have you asked the HeadTeacher to do rg the main bully?

AitchTwoOhOneTwo Sat 11-May-13 19:39:44

why do you think she would be humiliated if she went to the police again? was that the experience last time?

nooka Sat 11-May-13 20:17:53

OP you seem to think that child protection is solely about parents hurting/neglecting their children. It's not. In this case the issue is whether the school is protecting your child from physical and sexual assault.

That you are a good parent is to some extent irrelevant. At school it's not you who is responsible for protecting your child because during that time it is their responsibility.

If the incident was as described in your OP then the school should have involved higher authorities because sexually assaulting a minor and having that filmed almost certainly with the intent of distribution is a major red flag and needs to be come down upon very very hard. At my children's school they would have called in the police officer who liaises with them to talk to all those involved and probably the wider year group too as a matter of course. I would expect pretty harsh discipline too, with parents involved and sanctions.

I'd also expect the teacher who destroyed the evidence to be in trouble, as if there is an issue of a child directing the abuse then that would almost certainly have been caught in the recording.

marjproops Sat 11-May-13 20:24:46

havent read all the posts but id give the police this girls fb details. seriously.

your dd might seem resilient but it wont last long. and tbh id change her school too.


and soc services and everywhere else others have said.

this is disgusting. and must be stopped NOW.

Midori1999 Sat 11-May-13 20:29:14

I agree that the school should have called the police. There is also no need to take your daughter to a police station, if a report is made she can be interviewed at home or at school. OP, Have you even tried to suggest to her why it would be a good idea to involve the police, or do you think that the police shouldn't be involved where a child is sexually assaulted?

It's normal that the victim of sexual assault doesn't want to report it. They feel embarrassed, humiliated and like they are at least in part to blame. A friend's 6 year old was recently sexually assaulted by a teenager, she didn't want her mum to involve the police either, she was terrified. Do you think her mum should have not involved the police too, perhaps because she may be ruining a teenagers future?! hmm

Midori1999 Sat 11-May-13 20:30:37

I really struggle with the fact a parent thinks the sexual assault of their child should not be reported to the police and thinks it isn't a CP issue. sad

marjproops Sat 11-May-13 20:36:38

btw OP if they have filmed all that bullying and they put it all over the internet for all to see??????!!!!! your DC being bullied/sexually threatened for the public to see?

if i saw DC like that id be all for jailing these bullies. and id be the one to throw away the key too.

why arent you right now with the police?

Livinglavidafoca Sat 11-May-13 21:25:44

Don't contact her and get the police. Be prepared because they bully might tell other people that she is being bullied by your DD, bullies love to play victims.

marjproops Sat 11-May-13 21:31:30

and you do know that being kicked in the head can cause a brain heamorrage(sp) if not now later on.

Gossipmonster Sat 11-May-13 21:39:34

Really? No shit hmm

marjproops Sat 11-May-13 21:55:59

Op, were all just trying to support you here, and Im sure you know the seriousness of all of this, PLEASE just do something totally concrete about it, PLEASE.

That wasnt a flippant remark i was making, btw.

How many threads on mumsnet over the years have there been about reporting sexual crime. How we should encourage women to do it, how it should be taken more seriously etc etc.

And then some mother dismisses a sexual assault in her daughter by emailing the school.

How serious would the assault have to be before you actually took this seriously? And you not pushing it is just reinforcing the idea that this is not that serious.

Dd had a boy keep rubbing her back in a lesson at school, I made one phone call and the boy was hauled over the coals for his inappropriate behaviour. Jesus, if he had straddled and simulated sex they would have had the police in there before I even picked the phone up, and if they hadn't I would have called them and showed my daughter that absolutely no one on this planet has the right to do something that they find uncomfortable or threatened.

Seriously, I see kids who have been bullied so much that they have no self esteem, they carve chunks out of themselves because it is the only way to feel the pain, they exhibit risky behaviour because they want someone to step in.

TurnipCake Sat 11-May-13 22:33:47

OP, I was sexually assaulted at secondary school.

The best thing my mother could have done was get me the hell out of there and into a therapist's office.

Instead, she buried her head in the sand, and the school brushed it under the carpet. Because an OFSTED inspection was looming, the boy wasn't punished, not even suspended for a day. I was even seated next to him in some classes.

I was angry at him for years. I was angry at the school. But I wouldn't be able to articulate the hatred I felt towards my mother. The lioness who should have protected her cub didn't quite step up to the mark, and I never forgot it - not to mention the destructive behaviour I engaged in including two abusive relationships.

Your daughter probably wants to forget about it and move on - I did too, but the adults in my life saw this as a way of getting out of dealing with the stuff that made them uncomfortable.

Please don't let her live with what I had to, it's a kind of hell I wouldn't wish on anyone.

differentnameforthis Sun 12-May-13 11:52:34

I am a more than adequate parent and I am protecting my daughter

We get that op, but she isn't being protected at school, is she?

LOW LEVEL incidents every day^ .

THIS is what concerns me. Can you imagine being bullied everyday? Even on a low level scale? It is thoroughly soul destroying!

yoshipoppet Sun 12-May-13 12:24:44

In the school where I work there is a policy regarding use of phones. One of the rules is as follows. Phones may only be used to take pics or films if it's essential for their learning, so when a teacher gives permission and supervises. Anyone using one for the kind of thing you describe would have their phone confiscated and the Police would be called.

OP I would hope that your DDs school has a similar policy - if they do then the Police may be involved whether your DD likes it or not. I would also be wanting to know why the teacher didn't confiscate the phone, that was wrong.

maddening Sun 12-May-13 12:30:46

Have you contacted ofsted? Can they apply pressure to the school?

shockers Sun 12-May-13 12:49:41

Sorry, I haven't had time to read the whole thread, but I'm also concerned that a teacher deleted evidence of a serious incident from a phone, rather than confiscating the phone. This was the instigator's phone wasn't it? Proof that she is involved in a very nasty way.

Gossipmonster Sun 12-May-13 13:07:30

"THIS is what concerns me. Can you imagine being bullied everyday? Even on a low level scale? It is thoroughly soul destroying!"

Do you really think I can't see what my DD is going through? Do you really need to spell this out to me?

I am dealing with this in the way my DD wants me to desk with it.

Do you think I am enjoying watching my beautiful, funny, gorgeous, quirky DD suffer this every day?

I cannot go into school with her I cannot protect her when I am not there, how do you think this makes me feel?

I am walking a tightrope of not wading in and making things worse whist wanting to rip the head if this girls shoulders, and ensuring this does not disrupt my DD's education.

Walk a mile in my shoes and then judge me.

My sympathy is with your poor Dd.

Wishwehadgoneabroad Sun 12-May-13 13:17:10

Sorry your poor DD is going through this.

I was bullied at school. It's horrible and it still scars me 30+ yrs later.

Seriously - I would consider moving her. The girls she are friends with she'll still see out of school.

The bully will (sadly) go on to bully someone else, but at least you can relax knowing your daughter is happy at school.

I really don't think you should deal with it the way your daughter wants you too btw - she's a child. You're the adult. Take the reins.

I moved schools - at the time (even though I was unhappy and being bullied) I was mortified as to how it looked to my mates (and kept telling my mum I hated her) Trust me, i got over it pretty quickly once going to school didn't scare the life out of me! You're not your daughter's friend, you're her mum.

(and moving schools won't disrupt her education half as much as being bullied will)

Gossipmonster Sun 12-May-13 13:19:06

She cannot move schools - that is not an option I am a single mum to 3 who works full time to pay my mortgage etc and SHE DOESN't WANT TO?!

HollyBerryBush Sun 12-May-13 13:23:23

Who is the parent and who is the child in this relationship?

You aren't protecting her at all. You are going along with her wishes to not make any waves because she is frightened and doesn't want it to get worse.

Wishwehadgoneabroad Sun 12-May-13 13:24:16

She doesn't want to??! SHE'S A CHILD!!!

She doesn't have much bloody option if you move her frankly.

Seriously hmm because 'she doesn't want to' you're happy to let this continue?

Sorry. I have just read the whole thread now, and I have to say, you need to step up to the mark and be the adult here. Get this sorted. Either move her, or take the advice of a lot of wise ppl on this thread and sort it out like you mean business.

Gossipmonster Sun 12-May-13 13:27:46

She is happy at school - apart from 1 girl.

She has a massive group of friends and has just got all the options she wants.

There is no other school I would want to put her in nor I can get her to.

Well there is actually - the local school which is constantly in the news for being in the bottom twenty schools in the county with a massive bullying problem.

Gossipmonster Sun 12-May-13 13:34:29

I cannot understand how am "doing nothing".

I am dealing with it with the school?

Doing nothing would be not addressing it with the school?

Just because I don't want to get the police involved and move her to a non existent other school or give up work and sell my house to home educate her just not mean I am doing nothing.

Do you not think moving her from all her friends to another school where she will possibly get bullied there too will be worse for her?

Teaching her what? To run away from her problems rather than address them calmly and rationally?

petra27 Sun 12-May-13 13:37:24

I have only read this last page, so apologies if this has been covered, I haven't time to read the whole thread.

I was bullied like this in school, for me it was one particular boy encouraging others. It started when I moved areas to a new school when I was 13 and continued till I left at 16.

It ruined my life.

In every situation with everyone I meet that haunting feeling of being ridiculed and made to feel worthless is there influencing my behaviour against my will.

I'd say I'm only just getting over it now and I've had a load of therapy to recover and I'm nearly 40.

I tried to put a brave face on how much it was affecting me in front of my parents as they felt so powerless. I was lying to them because by then I felt so worthless I felt I wasn't even entitled to my feelings.

The school have a legal duty to safeguard her which includes protecting her from suffering sexually assaults for goodness sake.

Keep her out of school every day until the school can up with a plan of how they can safeguard her. Write to the head, the LEA and the local MP and tell them she will not be back at school until she is no longer at risk of assault.

Of course your daughter won't want you to do this, she is emotionally tied into the abuse and bullying. You have to save her. No one else will.

Gossipmonster Sun 12-May-13 13:40:21

I am so glad everyone on MN knows my DD and the dynamics of my life so much better than me hmm

ireportedaleader Sun 12-May-13 13:41:27

I have name changed as this will identify me.

A few years ago my son attended a scout group. It came to my attention that there was some activity on the part of a leader that made me very uncomfortable. Sexual acting out, going into tents of young boys alone early in the morning.

I debated long and hard what to do. This man was my then husband's best friend. His wife one of my best friends. My son did not want me to report it.

But I did. I made an officiall complaint and I went to the police. There wasn't enough evidence for an official action to be taken. But personally it was awful I took the hit. I took the abuse. Friends and neighbours who refused to talk to me.

It was part of the death knell of my marriage because my ex supoorted his friend.

But four years later when I met another mother whose son had worse done and who he was convicted of doing it to and when the police contact me because they were going to charge him, then I knew it was worth it and I'd done the right thing I could look her in the face and say I tried my best to stop it.

Sorry for spelling mistakes i'm cryingi typig this.

you have to go to the police you cannot let this lie. This is too big of a probelm to sweep under the carpet. Don't you remember the we believe you campaign?

Wishwehadgoneabroad Sun 12-May-13 13:45:04

I have only gone off what you have said..

It reminds me of this quote actually:

My promise to my Kids: I am not your friend. I am your Mother. I will stalk you, flip out on you, lecture you, drive you insane, be your worst nightmare & hunt you down like a bloodhound when needed because I LOVE YOU! When you understand that, I will know you are a responsible adult.

By trying to do this the way your daughter wants it handled, you are effectively trying to be her FRIEND. You are not her friend. You are her mother.

Ok. So don't move schools, but you have to step up and handle this full on mode..not quietly stepping so as not to embarrass daughter/make things worse. Actually, she's just saying that because she is being bullied and truly believes that. You need to be strong here and get tough - on the school.

ireportedaleader Sun 12-May-13 13:46:02

What I am trying to say is what if you do nothing and thenthis boy iand the rest of them do worse - what will you feel then when you know you didn't do your best to stop it.

And for your daughter, we believe you has to be backed with something other wise it's just useless we believe you but we're going to let it keep going and not put a stop to it.

And my son would say now that I was right to make him report it. Because it was wrong.

Given what has happened to your daughter quite frankly I can't see how much "worse" things could get.

Wishwehadgoneabroad Sun 12-May-13 13:47:30

oh. it was this sentence in particular that makes me think you're going about things the wrong way..

I am dealing with this in the way my DD wants me to deal with it.

So you, the adult is taking direction from a child?

pigletmania Sun 12-May-13 13:58:15

Why re you asking us for advice then! You know by posting this you will receive Different opinions and advice. Really you shoud t least consider those who have been bullied or who have gone through it. If you don't want to go to the police, or move schools then take it further up te education system, as the school seem to be doing sod all about it. The bullying is still continuing, an the bully has not been punished

pigletmania Sun 12-May-13 13:59:18

This cannot carry on for 5 years, and you moaning on her aboutit

shockers Sun 12-May-13 14:00:52

Ireported, what you did took such courage. The world could do with more people of bravery like you.

shockers Sun 12-May-13 14:03:08

And I hope that, when he was eventually convicted, those people who dismissed you apologised.

lottieandmia Sun 12-May-13 14:04:10

You should go to the police. I don't think I could let my daughter go off to school every day not knowing what will happen to her - and what happens if they do worse next time??

Children don't always know what's best for them.

ireportedaleader Sun 12-May-13 14:07:01

shockers not one has. not ever they never will people used to cross the street to avoid me he was one of the golden boys and I was the vicious nasty bitch who had been so horrible when it was all just a bit of fun I was making a mountain of and making far too much of and it was all me being a drama queen.

But this thread isn't about me. But the point I'm trying to make is that sometimes being an adult is making the child do something they don't want to. It means making the unpopular choice. And my biggest regret in the whole mess is that I couldnt' get it stopped in time to save other children from being hurt.

My DS was 14 or 15 at the time.

crashdoll Sun 12-May-13 15:23:21

Leaving all emotion aside, the facts are that the school insisted on the footage being deleted. That was exceptionally negligent on their part. You say you are going through the school but how effective are they being if they allowed the video to be deleted?

No one is saying you are a crap parent or that you are doing nothing but many of us are understandably concerned because this has gone beyond bullying.

Gossipmonster Sun 12-May-13 15:39:41

This happened on Friday - tomorrow is Monday - not sure what I was supposed to do yesterday or today. Yes I will be questioning why the phone was not confiscated.

The last incident was dealt with with the police, my DD, me, the other girl and her parents. We all say in a room together and talked about what had happened. It's quite a traumatic experience for a 13 yr old but I think it made her feel better and gave her an apology.

I think the perpetrator learnt from it too - which yes I was pleased about as no child is "bad" or "evil".

I didn't ask for advice here if you read my OP.

I am dealing with this in the best way for my DD and for me.

I am taking decisions for my daughter which I feel are in her best interests.

I feel very pleased for all the posters here who will have all the answers if/when they ever find themselves (god forbid) in the same predicament as my family. It must be a great position to be in to be an expert and to say to someone who has not brought this upon themselves or asked for this that they are failing their child and not doing anything - when I clearly am.

Stop getting angry with the wrong people.

You need to address the filming of the incident then, if she is happy to stay on at the school.

It needs to be taken further and you need to make a Stand about this. It would be taken seriously by the Police, but as you are determined not to go down that route then sod e mailing and get yourself into school tomorrow and ask for at the very least a suspension for the lad and the girl ,and for the teacher to be properly reprimanded and to apologise to you and your daughter for protecting the culprits.( Probably a friend of the lad's mum, who is also a teacher, eh?)

I would also be making it very clear to the headteacher that they in turn inform these kids that if there are any further incidents at all, the Police will be called and the lad may end up with something on file to do with inappropriate sexual behaviour/assault and Cyber Bullying for the girl. Put the fear of God into them. If you don't get anywhere tell the Head you are going to the Governors and Ofsted as the school is failing to protect your daughter. And if your daughter has a good group of friends around her it might be worth ringing up their parents and asking them to help her out at school more and report stuff they see.

OxfordBags Sun 12-May-13 15:48:21

OP, I get what you are doing and it feels like you're doing your all and your best, but as a survivor - yes, it feels like that - of bullying including sexual bullying - let me tell you that you are getting it wrong.

You're thinking about the here and now. What she wants now, what she feels up to now, what works for your lifestyle now, sorting out what's happening now. But the worse part of being bullied is actually not about what happens at the time it occurs, it is afterwards, it's about the adult life of the victim.

Of course your DD doesn't want to go to the police, to tell on her peers, to make a fuss, to change schools. So you, loving mother that you are, heed these wishes. But this is a scenario where you have to insist on 'Mother Knows Best' and do what's right, not what she wants, not what works in the short-term. By not making her talk to the police, to be more proactive, you are teaching her, as surely as anything she leants at school, that she must minimise abuse, that she just needs to accept, albeit with a bit of fuss, what happens to her. These are two major facets of the mindset of domestic abuse victims. It is more common for female victims of childhood and teen bullying to go on to abusive adult relationships than not, not just because of the damage that the bullying does, but perhaps even more importantly, because their parents don't handle things properly and give them unconscious messages that they somehow deserve it, or don't deserve protection, or should just not make a fuss.

The option you need to take is the hardest one. You need to push this much, much further than you have done. You have to be cruel to be kind. You are the parent here, and she is only a child. 13 is still very young. She doesn't get to have the final say on matters where she just cannot understand the bigger picture and long-term implications. And I say that as a right old hippy mother.

OxfordBags Sun 12-May-13 15:52:33

X-post: just seen your latest post. Please stop being self-pitying. Your DD is not served best by a mother telling herself she is a victim too, when you're not here. No-one has aid you've brought it upon yourself. But whilst you're there telling yourself we have, it's jut a distraction to keep you from acting, yet again.

So many people on here, like myself, were the victims of bullying. We are telling you what the wrong approach is, and what we needed to happen. Many of us had parents who didn't want to push us to report or make a big fuss, and let us dictate the scale and pace of things, and we are telling you that it was the worst thing they did. We are telling you that this approach leaves children scarred for life. It's not your fault this happened,it is so unfair. But it is happening, and you're the adult, not the victim.

FreyaSnow Sun 12-May-13 16:08:23

There are only really three possible outcomes to discussing this, OP.

1. You believe the way you are trying to help your DD is the best way. In that case, what are you hoping to gain by continuing this thread?
2. You believe the majority of people on this thread are right and you change what you are doing.
3. You believe neither yourself nor the people on this thread really know what is the best thing to do, and you phone a help line and get specialised advice and support for you and your DD.

crashdoll Sun 12-May-13 16:10:04

You are acting in a very self-pitying manner. Believe it or not, people like me are actually trying to help you and your daughter. No, you didn't ask for advice but you posted that your 13 yr old was sexually assaulted, what did you expect people to do?! And please do not assume you know what people have or have not been through. hmm

MadBusLady Sun 12-May-13 16:13:50

Only came on to say OxfordBags posts are bang on, and very moving. Please, please listen to her.

Gossipmonster Sun 12-May-13 16:22:05

Well that goes both ways crashdoll and there are lots of people on this thread applying their own experiences to what my DD is experiencing.

Individuals deal with things very differently and never assume your own experience is the same or felt the same as someone else's.

Not sure where I have assumed that I know what other people have gone through? confused.

If it is self pitying to admit that seeing my DD experience this is a horrible experience for me as a parent to go through and to make decisions about then so be it.

I have repeatedly said that we do not want to involve the police and I have clearly stated my reasons why. I don't really think any of us have the right to tell someone they are "wrong" because they are not dealing with a situation the way they would or would have liked to have had their own experience dealt with.

To suggest because I am not going to the police that my DD is more likely to become a victim of domestic abuse is quite frankly ridiculous.

I never asked for help. I feel I am doing the best I can I don't need to ring a helpline or get advice.

I am waiting to see what the school are going to do before I go rushing off to the LEA, my MP, the police, Social Care.

I think that's common sense.

DioneTheDiabolist Sun 12-May-13 16:22:10

OP, FWIW I think you are dealing with this appropriately ATM. Go to the school tomorrow and see what they, this boy and his mum have to say. Ask what they are going to do about the ringleader and make a huge fuss about it being recorded by her and deleted by the teacher.

If your DD doesn't want to change schools I don't think she should have to (and I have no doubt that the bully would move on to another victim at the same school). If I were you, I would be using the fact that it was recorded by the ringleader and deleted at the teacher's request as leverage to have something done about this girl.

Gossipmonster Sun 12-May-13 16:23:05

- And yes I was also bullied at school.

DioneTheDiabolist Sun 12-May-13 16:23:28

If you get no satisfaction, you can then go to the police (and I would inform the school, the boy and his mum of this fact tomorrow).

crashdoll Sun 12-May-13 16:35:53

Gossip It is wrong to not report a crime IMO.

nooka Sun 12-May-13 17:04:36

I really don't get this. Last time there was a nasty incident the police were involved, and although your dd found it hard the outcome, from what you have said, was good. Isn't it the outcome that really matters?

People are concerned because you appear to be taking a very passive approach, an email to the school and wait and see. I can see that an incident on a Friday afternoon is tricky to manage, but I'd at least be planning to go into the school on Monday and making sure that they are aware that this is a very big deal indeed. I know as a working parent that may not be easy, but the school have already fucked up once on this so I'd be worried they may go down a minimization route instead of throwing the book at the instigators.

C999875 Sun 12-May-13 20:22:18

Well I do not think this is the best way to deal with things, but after all you are a mother so it would not be normal if you did not feel like doing this. If anyone hurts your child then the claws come out it's an animal instinct. God I hate bullies. What do they get out of it. Do they think it's impressive because as we all know it is not. I do not know much about the bullying policies but I do know they are not working infact it is not even illegal to bully ATM. Have you all signed Aydens law to make bullying a criminal offence. I can't imagine any parent not signing it. If I had my way I would name and shame bullies. Also just to let you know I am thinking about both you and your daughter. It's horrible to think of people hurting them isn't it. You don't want any nastiness on them at all . You just want to protect them don't you. I will say another thing as well that damn face book has a lot to answer for. xx

marjproops Sun 12-May-13 20:26:18

can someone link the aydens law petition onto here?

fancyabakeoff Sun 12-May-13 21:38:02
fancyabakeoff Sun 12-May-13 21:39:13

Ayden's homepage

fivesacrowd Sun 12-May-13 22:02:11

Gossip - good luck for tomorrow. I've just been though something similar though not as serious with my dd (14). I too was tempted to go on facebook and tell the perpetrators exactly what I thought if them and managed to resist and tbh if I had it would have made the situation much worse. Your dd obviously tells you what's going on and trusts you to deal with it. Is there a campus cop at school - ours dealt with situation really quickly & effectively.

differentnameforthis Mon 13-May-13 08:49:02

Do you really need to spell this out to me?

I think you do need it spelling out. You are writing off 2 serious incidents. There is also low level bullying everyday! I feel for your daughter. I certainly would not have sent her back after her head was repeatedly kicked to be honest.

The school ARE NOT dealing with this. They are failing your daughter. First she gets her head kicked repeatedly & then a sexual assault takes place. This on top of constant bullying. None of this would be happening at all if the school were effective at dealing with bullying!

StuntGirl Mon 13-May-13 10:53:48

The school is not effectively dealing with this bullying and you are not effectively dealing with their negligence.

I know that sounds hard to hear because you probably feel overwhelmed with pain and sadness that your daughter is in so much emotional pain.

If you worried half as much about your daughter and her future as you are doing about these other kids and their futures this would have been stopped by now and your daughter would be safe.

madonnawhore Mon 13-May-13 11:24:25

Stuntgirl is right. The school are being really shit at dealing with this and now it's time for you to go nuclear.

However much your daughter wants to minimise this and try not to rock the boat too much, the fact is that crimes of sexual violence have been committed against her. You mustn't collude with her in trying to minimise this. She deserves to be taken seriously and be protected.

FWIW I think some people's anger on this thread is misplaced. And it's being directed at you OP when really it's the school who's massively failing your DD here.

The only thing you've done wrong us to put too much faith in their ability to deal with it. Time to bring out the big guns.

cumfy Mon 13-May-13 11:56:12

This is all so very sad, I do hope you find a resolution.

Did you experience any bullying at school ?

SandraSue Mon 13-May-13 13:18:58

OP, you have repeatedly said you don't need what was the point of this thread? It seems to me you just want the attention because people are saying "I've been through this, you should do XYZ" and you're just getting angry at them for not agreeing with you shock

I just don't see the point if you don't want advice, it's not like you didn't know people would comment on the other things you're doing about it :s

marjproops Mon 13-May-13 18:05:48

sandrasue I was thinking the exact same thing as you.

AitchTwoOhOneTwo Thu 16-May-13 10:30:18

The OP came on to vent, clearly. that's entirely legitimate, loads of people do that on MN.
Hope the school are tackling it, Gossip. Must say i am shocked (but not surprised, iykwim?) that the teacher deleted the clip.

EatenByZombies Sun 19-May-13 01:58:26

SandraSue pretty much summed it up IMHO.

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