DP away for the night - is he out of order or am I being a bunny boiler?

(162 Posts)
AAdamsA Fri 10-May-13 22:40:10

Long story short - I caught him fuckin' around on plenty of fish a few months back trying to arrange sex dates. I told him I would find it very difficult to trust him in the future. That's the history.

He had tonight booked to go and see a band and stay over in the city for a piss up with his mate (dp is 42, mate is 26). I wasn't happy about it but didn't want to turn into one of these people that never 'lets' their boyfriend out. But we agreed he would keep in regular contact and not get hammered.

So, they get there at 5pm, instantly start getting pissed up on shots and god knows what else and then he starts sending me drunken texts resembling those of a 12 year old: "my mate said do you know any fit, single nurses you could get him to together with?" hmm jesus christ. His mate sends me a friend request. I accept. He then starts posting pictures of a pissed up DP on my facebook wall (luckily my pics are set to approval first). DP is obviously hammered and was hammered by 8pm.

At 7.30 he sends me a text asking if I love him. I reply "of course I do, do you love me? xx" and I get no reply. What I get instead - are facebook updates from his mate asking where the best place is to "pull" in the city they're in along with many statuses stating "we're drunk! party time!" etc etc.

So, despite his promise that he would stay in touch and not get hammered - he's absoluetly hammered and has not text me since 7.30 when I replied to HIS text asking if he loves me. He did however, find the time afterwards to go on his phone and update his facebook status.

So go on, AIBU??

AAdamsA Fri 10-May-13 22:41:47

Just to add, they're staying over in a travel lodge and I won't see him tomorrow either as he has his kids all weekend so I won't see him again until sunday night.

AgentZigzag Fri 10-May-13 22:42:15

And you're with him because...?

LeaveTheBastid Fri 10-May-13 22:42:37

Dear god, what a gem. YANBU. But the question is, what are you going to do after being told YANBU?

magimedi Fri 10-May-13 22:42:59

Are you the g/f of the deleted thread this morning??????

SirBoobAlot Fri 10-May-13 22:43:30

This guy is a complete twat. And obviously thinks he is still twenty something himself.

Euphemia Fri 10-May-13 22:43:34

If you need to ask if he loves you, there's your answer. sad

YABU to stay with this bloke who's obviously not that into you. Sorry. sad

AgentZigzag Fri 10-May-13 22:44:18

It's not being a bunny boiler not trusting your DP when you know he's been actively looking for sex elsewhere.

I'm not sure how you'd get over such a breach of trust like that, but he doesn't seem to be doing anything to reassure you, which says to me he doesn't think much of you.

Get shot and find someone who cares for you.

Repeatedlydoingthetwist Fri 10-May-13 22:44:20

Second what LeaveTheBastid said. You are CLEARLY NBU, and I think you know that but what now??

HollyBerryBush Fri 10-May-13 22:44:25

Errrr, well if he's on PoF then he deems there is something lacking in his life.

if hes 42 and g adding about with 20-smethings, again he's looking for something.

and he's that pissed so early.

now tell us again why this bloke is instrumental in your life

AAdamsA Fri 10-May-13 22:45:42

No I was at work all day - that wasn't my post.

I'm glad to hear I'm not being unreasonable. I'm sick to death of him. It's bad enough that it's my birthday on Monday and I really wanted to celebrate over the weekend but no - he wants to go out "on the pull" in Leeds instead with a lad almost half his age and he can't even be arsed to keep in touch with me. I know what will happen, I'll receive a text at about 11am in morning from him acting as if nothing should be wrong and for the next few months I'll be thinking "so, what DID happen in Leeds that night? why did he stop texting after he asked if I loved him? did they go back to the travel lodge alone? ..... " and so the bull shit continues.

GrimbleGrog Fri 10-May-13 22:45:58

He's going out with a mate and he has to stay in touch with you and not get drunk? What a miserable night, and miserable for you too if you spend all evening checking up on him.

D0GWithAYoni Fri 10-May-13 22:46:29

Dear god. Testicles as earrings and ltb

Lj8893 Fri 10-May-13 22:48:14

Get rid of him!! He sounds completely childish and not worth your time, effort or worry.

Viviennemary Fri 10-May-13 22:53:02

Never mind difficult to trust him. I'd say impossible to trust him. Can't see why you bother with him at all.

AAdamsA Fri 10-May-13 23:33:42

Ok so about 10 minutes ago he sent me a text saying "Love you so much xxxxxxxx" I replied with "really hope I can trust you ... " and he replied "your my darling, end of". I then got a text saying ...

"suck me off please! I'm wet and hard!!" X

To be fair, doesn't sound like him but then he is really drunk. Is it his mate or someone else??? see how paranoid he makes me? :-(

He is a 42 year old juvenile shit.

Cant you do better than this?

Seriously! He is behaving like a 17 year old!

Ruralninja Fri 10-May-13 23:39:32

hard to do but switch off your phone & computer. if I were you I would be having a word with myself about this relationship... & massively ignoring him tomorrow whilst making decent plans for my birthday that didn't involve him.

LeaveTheBastid Fri 10-May-13 23:39:56

Whether its his mate or not is irrelevant, my DH wouldn't let his friend ale his phome amd text his wife things like that. Honestly, he's 42, I am cringing for him right now.

Cut your losses I say. Love isn't about sitting at home worrying about a cheating man child.

LeaveTheBastid Fri 10-May-13 23:40:53

Jesus Christ spelling mistakes there, not even had wine grin

AgentZigzag Fri 10-May-13 23:41:05

Why are you letting him treat you like this?

Switch off your phone and don't give him another thought.

I agree that a night without alcohol and with a DP needing reassurance with text updates doesn't sound a shed load of fun, but then he's been touting for sex on the internet Grimble.

The fact he's gone out at all and sending you all this shit is piss poor Adam, the nasty bastard's trying to wind you up now he knows how to push your buttons.

Don't rise to it.

LemonPeculiarJones Fri 10-May-13 23:44:05

What a waste of time he is.

He's cheated on you. He will again. He's behaving like a single man. And a detestable twat of a single man at that.

Extricate yourself from this. He has no respect for you.

SavoyCabbage Fri 10-May-13 23:44:42

You are not bring a bunny boiler.

He is not treating you very well though is he. My dh is the same age as yours and he goes away every week pretty much for work. And for half a day every weekend for sport. He does go 'out' when he's away sometimes, withnthebwork people down there, but there is no way he would carry on like this. Pissing about with 20-somethings and texting you about women. It's like the focus has become taking the piss out of you.

AAdamsA Fri 10-May-13 23:45:35

I can't help wondering if the text was from him but meant for someone else. I simply replied "nice. Good night" to which he hasn't replied. Normally he'd always reply to a good night text. Even a sarcastic spitting through the teeth text. I feel sick. I trusted him and he just goes out of his way to be a bastard. Even if he isn't fucking around, he's going out of his way to make me think he is.

TheSecondComing Fri 10-May-13 23:47:04

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LeaveTheBastid Fri 10-May-13 23:47:35

He can only get away with what you allow him to, OP.

Time for a change smile

Alliwantisaroomsomewhere Fri 10-May-13 23:48:45

YABU for hanging around with a knob like him. Have some self respect and tell him to take a long walk off a short pier.

CloudsAndTrees Fri 10-May-13 23:52:09

Hang on a minute, you started of saying that he'd been on PoF looking for sex dates.

That's where your problem is. It's fine for him to go out and get drunk with a friend. I do that, I love my husband dearly and it is no reflection on our relationship at all. I even send him stupid drunken texts on occasion. It's a non issue.

Him going out and getting drunk isn't a problem. The FB thing sounds a bit pathetic, but whatever.

Your issue is that you are with a man that looks for sex on dating websites, not that you are with a man that likes the occasional lads night.

everlong Fri 10-May-13 23:52:55

Are you unreasonable? About what?

Being with a total nob? Then yes.

AdoraBell Fri 10-May-13 23:54:47

He's not an adult, leave him to play out with his mates and find yourself a grown up boyfriend who values you. And happy birthday for Monday, do something nice without the kid in tow.

Snazzynewyear Fri 10-May-13 23:54:47

Seriously, do not reply to another text from him. Not a single one. Don't answer the phone. Every reply you send demeans you.

When he deigns to return and meet with you face to face, tell him it's over. Till then find something else to do beyond fretting over his nobbish behaviour and hanging anxiously on whatever the latest text has said.

LemonPeculiarJones Sat 11-May-13 00:02:50

Why do you trust him OP? It makes no sense. Of course he's going to behave like this.

Weird that you added the apostrophe to the end of fuckin' in your first post. As if to lighten it?

He's just a twat, I'm afraid. End it or accept he's going to treat you like shit.

sweetiepie1979 Sat 11-May-13 03:30:26

he sounds awful!!!! I can't believe your asking if your being unreasonable? Come on woman get rid he sounds like such an arse hole. Do yourself a favour on your birthday and get rid of him don't take him forward in your life. he was on plenty of fish he thinks he can do better than you, that's not likely to change happy birthday for Monday you don't need him to have a good day be good to yourself and don't be a victim.

DonDrapersAltrEgoBigglesDraper Sat 11-May-13 04:01:46

Come on, AA... hmm

It doesn't have to be like this. I mean, it obviously has to be like this as long as you're with him.

But actually, it doesn't have to be like this.

CheerfulYank Sat 11-May-13 04:05:27

42? Ick.


DonDrapersAltrEgoBigglesDraper Sat 11-May-13 05:56:43

I know, right?!

When I was in my 20s and out on the tiles <ages self drastically by that choice of phrase> 40-something men were either invisible or else totally notable by their inherent tragic-ness.

Either way, just no.

StuffezLaYoni Sat 11-May-13 06:15:46

OP, as someone who has been cheated on and made to look a fool, I really understand the sick feeling in your stomach, the second guessing every scrap of communication, the not knowing.
Well, after my partner cheated, every time he went out with his mates he would get horribly drunk and muggins here would be at home wide awake contemplating worst case scenarios. It drove me to mental exhaustion. And of course, he was having sex behind my back.

I hope you have a hallelujah moment and realise life is too short for pissing about like this and always feeling on edge.

chrome100 Sat 11-May-13 06:16:21

I don't think it matters that he is forty two and getting drunk with younger people - I like socialising and have friends of all ages from early twenties to fifties (I am 32).

Also, texting him all night and getting him to text you makes for a crap night all round.

The real issue is the understandable lack of trust and the plenty of fish thing. Can you get over that betrayal? To be honest, I am not sure I could. A relationship without trust, where you are sat at home wondering what he's doing, is no fun for anyone. He had behaved appallingly. A partner should make you feel happy and secure. If he doesn't, what's the point?

GoblinGranny Sat 11-May-13 06:23:50

'I won't see him tomorrow either as he has his kids all weekend '

So he's been browsing dating websites.
He's paralytic on Friday night, but has his children to look after tomorrow? hmm
He's behaving like a free spirit with no responsibiities but his own pleasure.
How long have you been together, and why are you still with him?

GoblinGranny Sat 11-May-13 06:26:17

Oh, and as an Oldie, I see nothing wrong with being 42, having friends half your age and having a drunken night. It's all the other things he's doing and not doing that are wrong.


Leave him.

HTH smile

StuffezLaYoni Sat 11-May-13 06:29:25

And OP I bet you've had a crap night's sleep. :-(

TobyLerone Sat 11-May-13 06:33:34

You both sound very immature.

exoticfruits Sat 11-May-13 06:42:25

I don't know why you want an extra child.

Goodness it sounds far too much effort to have a relationship with this one. Think I'd prefer a nice cup of tea. Tell him to sling his hook then find someone who doesn't use the Internet to try and arrange sex with strangers.

He really is doing his best to end the relationship without actually saying the words.
He is treating you with utter disdain and lack of respect sad

Now is the time to become icy calm, dignified and strong.
This behaviour is not good enough for him to keep the wonderful, exciting, funny and forgiving person that you are. You are too good for him, it is not you, it's him.
You deserve better.

Dawndonna Sat 11-May-13 07:49:30

How old are you? Do you have children together? Why is he divorced? Because he couldn't keep his dick in his pants? Why are you wasting your time.

Isityouorme Sat 11-May-13 07:52:46

What a skanky loser her is .... Do you really want to be in bed with a man like this forever?

Isityouorme Sat 11-May-13 07:53:02

HE is, not her!!!

EllaFitzgerald Sat 11-May-13 07:54:47

If it was only a few months ago you caught him on PoF, then surely he should be doing his damnedest to be earning your trust back and making you feel like giving him a second chance was the right thing to do?

Instead, he's blown you out on your birthday weekend to spend a night out getting drunk with someone who's advertised on FB that he's on the pull, and purposely ignored your question about whether he loves you in favour of updating his FB status?

I think you know what you should do.

AAdamsA Sat 11-May-13 08:21:52

Had a really shit nights sleep. Woke up at 4.30am. The last text I received from him was the one asking me to suck him off. Now even if his mate had sent it for a juvenile laugh - surely dp got his phone back at some point in the night and would have realised? You know, despite what he did to me in the past I've never stopped him going out - the one thing bothering me about this occasion was that he was staying out all night and yeah, of course I was worrying about the potential of him taking someone back to the travrl lodge so I asked for one thing - text me before you go to bed, just a goodnight text - might sound pathetic to anyone else but after the shitty behaviour previously displayed, it would have meant a lot to know that I was the last thing he thought about before going to sleep. Instead, I get a crude text saying "suck me of", im hard and wet" and that's the last I heard from him. Was it even meant for me??? Was it sent by his mate whilst the two of them laughed about my reaction?? God was it even sent by some woman he'd picked up?? I can't cope with it :-(

GoblinGranny Sat 11-May-13 08:24:28

Is this relationship really a year old?
Do you have a child with him?
Why are you putting up with being made unhappy by someone who should be a source of joy in your life? Just why? confused

TheseFoolishThings Sat 11-May-13 08:25:15

Sounds shit but why don't you address some of the comments made in all the earlier posts?

StuffezLaYoni Sat 11-May-13 08:28:42

I knew you'd have slept badly. Your head will be buzzing, you'll feel on edge, you'll feel weepy.

Listen. It really, really doesn't have to be like this. Why do you HAVE to be in this relationship?

pictish Sat 11-May-13 08:30:05

Omg - your husband is just a complete idiot isn't he?

I have no advice other than to start divorce proceedings. You're not happy and neither the fuck would I be...and I am so laid back I'm lounging.

Sack him off. Just get rid of him.

I honestly cannot think of another answer to give.

Branleuse Sat 11-May-13 08:32:08

id be seriously unimpressed by his bad grammar.

plus hes being a cunt and probably cheating.

StuffezLaYoni Sat 11-May-13 08:33:07

I don't think they're married, Pictish, or got children (from what I can gather.)

GoblinGranny Sat 11-May-13 08:34:47

Now I'm starting to speculate....why is the OP putting up with this?

Is he so magnificent a lover that you are addicted to him, and can't bear the thought of doing without his attentions?
Is he amazingly rich and showers you with luxury gifts and diamonds when he's apologising?
Do you feel so incredibly fortunate to have acquired him that you spend hours just gazing at his splendour and are prepared to overlook the minor faults?

Whatever the reasons, it's damaging to you, your self-esteem and your health. You need to break up.

CookieLady Sat 11-May-13 08:36:29

Forgive me for being blunt but no decent parent would go out and get drunk knowing that they have to care for their children, on their own, the next day. Do you really want a child with this irresponsible, unfaithful tosser? He doesn't want to be in a committed relationship with you. He has made it very clear. What are you waiting for? To catch him in the act? As others have said leave him. You deserve better.

EllaFitzgerald Sat 11-May-13 08:37:10

What was he doing while his mate was talking to women? I'm guessing he wasn't playing Angry Birds on his phone.

If finding him on PoF wasn't enough, he's just given you a perfect example of how little respect he has for you and your relationship. You have two choices. You either accept that you're going to spend the rest of your time together being treated like this and wondering what he's up to every time he goes out, or you put a rocket up his bum and spend your next birthday with someone who does actually give a shit.

pictish Sat 11-May-13 08:37:50

Oh I see...he's your 'dp' of a year?? And you caught him on POF a few months ago??
You should've trusted your instincts and dropped him then.
However, you kept the faith and gave him another chance.
As far as I am concerned he has blown it, whether he has cheated or not.

You are worth a good relationship with someone who really loves YOU. Not someone who uses you as a place to park his cock while he sniffs about for a better offer.
He even wants his ego massaged by you while he does it! That's how entitled he actually feels!

"Do you love me?"

No I don't, you fucking shit.

OP - think more of yourelf than this. Please.

ENormaSnob Sat 11-May-13 08:37:56

Come on op, deep down you know the truth.

This man does not love you at all. He doesn't even have an ounce of respect for you. I doubt very much he even wants to be with you.

Get your self respect and end it.

Things will never ever get better with this loser.

CookieLady Sat 11-May-13 08:38:05

Spot on Goblin.

concernedmate Sat 11-May-13 08:38:25

When my dh goes out with his mate and stay over (mate 50 miles away) dh always promised to text me to let me know he got in and gone to bed, but he never does, he goes out gets drunk and forgets about it, he has never given me any reason to distrust him and I am sure as you can be he won't cheat.

However for many reasons you have stated, this is clearly not a good relationship, trust is very important and clearly you don't have that. I would not be able to stay with someone like your partner.

Quilty Sat 11-May-13 08:38:31

What an absolute twat, seriously OP - plenty of fish? Hanging out with an immature 26 year old?? You need to get rid of this idiotic man child, you deserve better.
He has shown you no respect or real affection, drunken texts do not count! and to behave like this right before your birthday, sorry but it just shows where his priorities lie! Don't be taken for a ride any longer!
Hope you manage to enjoy your birthday tomorrow thanks

Ledkr Sat 11-May-13 08:40:02

Op give yourself am the best birthday present ever and dump this idiot. He sounds about twelve fgs.
Just imagine life without him, it would be blissful.
Get rid and let some other poor woman deal with his drama.

surely this is over now.

you don't trust him.

AAdamsA Sat 11-May-13 08:46:17

I wish I had trusted my instincts after the pof thing because, without wanting to drip feed - it happened twice (I've caught him twice). Now it's porn every weekend whilst he has his teenage kids in the next room. Of course I know it seems like he doesn't want to be with me but Christ, I've given him every opportunity to fuck off, I've tried to break it off - I've said "ok, you're right" when he's raved at me whilst drunk that we should split up - he ALWAYS talks me around, cries, begs me not to leave - so if he doesn't want me, why won't he just fuck off???
Still not heard from him. He won't mention the crude text or anything when he does get in touch - my betting us that he'll text "good morning darling, hope you had a good night? I'm feeling tough lol, leaving Leeds soon - see you tomorrow" .... Yes he is that predictable

EffieTheDuck Sat 11-May-13 08:46:19

Send him a text saying U R chucked.

He sounds like an asshole.

AAdamsA Sat 11-May-13 08:47:50

Rough, not tough. On phone

GoblinGranny Sat 11-May-13 08:49:24

'he ALWAYS talks me around, cries, begs me not to leave'

Then you are the fool, making a very bad choice for whatever reason, and I'm off this thread.

Look in the mirror every morning and say ' I am a vertebrate'

apostropheuse Sat 11-May-13 08:49:48

I'm sorry to be harsh OP but it's very obvious that he doesn't love you. You don't treat someone you love in the way he's treating you. You just don't.

You really need to get a grip here and ask yourself why you are with him. Surely you're not that desperate to be with him that you will put up with this juvenile disgusting behaviour?

Nobody deserves to be treated the way he's treating you. You wouldn't like it if someone you loved was being treated this way so why would you think it's ok to be treated in this manner yourself?

To be honest you are allowing him to treat you like this. Seriously, get rid of him.

GirlOutNumbered Sat 11-May-13 08:49:51

Don't reply to or send another text.
He is a complete waste of time.

StuffezLaYoni Sat 11-May-13 08:50:31

Because he gets to fuck you whenever he likes but doesn't have to put in the effort of treating you properly and respectfully!!!
Get him out your life, he's making you look a bloody fool! Sorry to be blunt, but that's pretty much it.

LadyVoldemort Sat 11-May-13 08:51:00

He's actively looking for other women to have sex with....

I'm very confused why you're still hanging in there? He's showing absolutely no respect at all. Do yourself a favour and LTB.

LaQueen Sat 11-May-13 08:51:03

Oh my God, words fail me (and that never happens).

He's 42, you say, and gadding about town with a much younger 20-something, mate? Sad...really very sad, and to be honest, really quite desperate, too.

I can remember, being in my twenties, and getting hit on by drunk, much older blokes (like your DP) and I just felt nothing but pity, and contempt for them.

Whatever else your DP is like, I really fail to see how you can have any respect for him, if he carries on like this?

preempt his text and text him:

'i don't want to see you again. don't contact me.'

then block / delete his number and spend the day with your family / friends.

pictish Sat 11-May-13 08:51:53

Just be glad you have only written off a year.

It's not even a write off entirely. Shit happens...but it makes good fertiliser...or in other words, you learn by your mistakes. wink

Raise your expectations OP, and stay single until you meet a bloke that actually meets them...not by what he says, but by what he does.

This current boyf is a waste of time.

Doha Sat 11-May-13 08:52:24

Time to grow a pair OP
Get shot of him asap.
If you continue to let him talk you round you are basically giving him a green light to behave like this.

Unless of course you are enjoying the drama of it all.......

EffieTheDuck Sat 11-May-13 08:53:20

Does he live with you, do you cook for him, do his washing? Are you financially dependent on him? Do you have children?

pictish Sat 11-May-13 08:53:31

Oh God...please don't be thriving on the drama of it all.....

LaQueen Sat 11-May-13 08:56:31

OP very simply, the reason that he stays with you, is that he gets easy access to sex, whenever he feels like it. Nothing more, nothing less.

And, it probably really boosts his ego, to watch you loving him, and basically putting up with everything he throws at you...and getting so little in return.

It's making him feel like a little stud-muffin, to be out on Da Town, whooping it up, and knowing all the while that you're sat at home, waiting for texts from him, fretting about what he's up to.

Scrape him off the heel of your shoe, and sashay on down the road...

Nanny0gg Sat 11-May-13 08:56:34

You know the answer to all this really.

Read your posts again, gather your self-respect and tell him to go.

apostropheuse Sat 11-May-13 08:56:46

OP He's not begging you to stay because he loves you. You're handy for sex when he can't score anywhere else. You're easy to him. You are forgiving him no matter how awful his behaviour, indeed you are enabling it.

That sounded brutal, but I really think it's true and I think you need to hear it.

You need to respect yourself and realise you are worth so much more than this. Really.

Have some guts and tell him to leave you alone then don't allow any contact. Delete from phone, Facebook etc.

BeckAndCall Sat 11-May-13 08:59:23

What , exactly, is keeping you with this guy? What are we missing in your descriptions that you see and we don't?

You have no children together, so it's just your life you need to improve.

Do you live with him? Would you have to move out but have nowhere to go - or would he move out? Are you financially dependant on him?

Seriously, now is the day to start the rest of your life.

EllaFitzgerald Sat 11-May-13 09:04:34

He doesn't want to break it off with you for one of two reasons.

1) He's getting the best of both worlds. Regular sex with someone he knows is sitting at home waiting for him and presumably looking after his children whiles he's wanking off to porn in the next room; or
2) He does want to break it off with you, but not until he's got somewhere he thinks is better to go.

Either way, he's using you. I think you can safely assume you won't be collecting your pensions together.

AAdamsA Sat 11-May-13 09:06:10

I am seriously not enjoying the drama, god I haven't eaten properly in weeks, I'm failing my degree, I spend more time crying than I do laughing - drama is the last thing I need. We live together in a way, he lives with me in my house. I pay all the bills and rent though hmm so it's not exactly an equal partnership anyway. He has his kids every weekend at his mothers house (where he pays board). On the plus side, we are not married, have no kids together, this is my house and I'm financially independent so it's an easy break. I just need to get my head around it. I know it isn't working and it has never worked. All the time I thought we were hunky dory he was on plenty of fish so it was only ever working in my head, not in reality.

pictish Sat 11-May-13 09:07:48

Text something like...
"I'm not fucking about when I say this...you and I are done and over with. Do not come back here. I do not want to see you again. I cannot make it any clearer than that. We are finished."

Do NOT be abused further by his pleading, tears or manipulations.

He has no invested interest in you other than for his own needs.

He will soon move on to some other poor cow.

AAdamsA Sat 11-May-13 09:08:06

One awkward complication is that we've just bought a house together. Solicitors, surveyors etc all done just waiting for the contracts to sign.

StuffezLaYoni Sat 11-May-13 09:08:53

Mate, your degree is your key to a better future, better prospects, a better life. And you're fucking it up because your head space is filled with concerns over this cock lodging, cheating, selfish dickhead.

You have two choices - break it off and think of your future or carry on and accept you will live a life of worrying, insecurity, infidelity and being treated like a twat.

From your posts, you just don't even seem like you'd consider ending it with him. :-(

pictish Sat 11-May-13 09:08:54

Bag up his stuff already then.

StuffezLaYoni Sat 11-May-13 09:09:19

Do NOT sign anything!!!

TobyLerone Sat 11-May-13 09:09:19

Change the locks, take his things to his mother's house and leave them outside, and cut him off completely. Don't answer his calls or texts and don't answer the door to him. Do it now. Otherwise your life will turn to shit, you'll fail your degree and lose your self esteem.

LemonPeculiarJones Sat 11-May-13 09:09:21

So just end it.

There really isn't anything to debate.

Of course you could start a new thread which addresses the practical matters of leaving him and how difficult it feels emotionally - or continue with this one in the vein.

But there really is nothing left to discuss re him and your 'relationship'.

Snazzynewyear Sat 11-May-13 09:10:02

Pull out of the house sale before you sign. Seriously. It will cost you money but not as much as if you go ahead and then have to sell.

TobyLerone Sat 11-May-13 09:10:17

Shite, x-posts.


GirlOutNumbered Sat 11-May-13 09:10:26

Well consider this.... Do you want to keep living with him knowing nothing will change.

LemonPeculiarJones Sat 11-May-13 09:10:29

Um. Bought a house together. Really?

pictish Sat 11-May-13 09:10:34

Adams -you really need to examine what it is in you that wants to commit yourself to someone who you have caught looking elsewhere on POF twice with one year...by buying a house with the sod!

StuffezLaYoni Sat 11-May-13 09:10:37

And (sorry to be harsh) don't think for one second if a woman came along who seemed a better leeching prospect than you, that he wouldn't drop you in a heart beat.

EffieTheDuck Sat 11-May-13 09:10:52

He is a cocklodger. Be rid today and then you can concentrate on your degree and self esteem.
A gazillion mnetters are here for you.

LaQueen Sat 11-May-13 09:14:02

"We live together in a way, he lives with me in my house. I pay all the bills and rent though so it's not exactly an equal partnership anyway."

WTAF hmm

Well, there's your answer OP he is with you, because he gets free sex, board and lodging...no wonder he panics when you threaten to leave, he might actually have to man-up, and support himself.

He's 42 FFS...why doesn't her have his own house? Why does he have to pay board to his Mum? Has he ever actually mentally matured beyond the age of 17? Because it really, really doesn't sound like it to me.

You say you've bought a house together...who supplied the deposit? Who will be paying the mortage, and bills?

AAdamsA Sat 11-May-13 09:19:03

He's owned a few houses but never rebought one after his divorce so he's paid the deposit on this one and most of the fees etc. the bills will be equally shared as the money is going into one pot. That's all by the by now anyway as I don't want to be with him any longer. Still not heard from him, I'm curious about whether he will even bother to apologise for last night or not or will he not even realise he did anything wrong?

EllaFitzgerald Sat 11-May-13 09:19:06

Adams - Reason 3) he gets to spend all his money on taking out other women and getting drunk with mates half his age because you're paying all his bills for him and no other sucker would let him get away with that.

If you sign the contracts for the new house then you are an absolute idiot. I'm sorry to be harsh I'm not really, you need to hear it but this is your opportunity to get away from this awful man without losing your home.

Mutt Sat 11-May-13 09:19:32

It never fails to baffle me when I read these threads why women choose to be with such complete knobheads.

Is it really so important to you to be with someone...anyone?

Have some self-respect, get rid and don't be so scared of being without a man FGS. It's pathetic.

BeckAndCall Sat 11-May-13 09:19:51

You HAVEN'T bought a house together if you haven't yet signed the contracts. You can walk away with only lost expenses. You won't even have paid a deposit yet.

If you don't walk away now, you'll use the 'but we share a house' excuse for the next ten years...... And then that was your life, right there......

EllaFitzgerald Sat 11-May-13 09:23:57

Start bundling his stuff into bin bags now, before he gets home and tries to talk you round. Can you get the locks changed before he gets back?

puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE Sat 11-May-13 09:27:48

Does he have any good qualities?

Is this thread even for real?

GoblinGranny Sat 11-May-13 09:30:32

Are we victim-blaming here?


What would the experts say?
Yes, I should be gone, but it was the 'buying a house' bit that shock me.

Give it another year and you'll be posting about being pregnant, trapped, financially dependent, failed your degree and he's on the piss and won't come home OP.
Or you could just end it now.

carabos Sat 11-May-13 09:31:06

So you have nothing to lose financially by walking away from the house purchase and you have nothing to lose emotionally by walking away from the relationship?

You have your self-respect and more to lose if you stay.

That is, as they say, a no-brainer.

Nanny0gg Sat 11-May-13 09:34:08

Um, if you only have 'one pot' already, take your money out now - whilst it's still there!

AAdamsA Sat 11-May-13 09:37:21

He's just text saying sorry for the rude message last night, my mate was messing around on my phone. So I stupidly replied "and it never occurred to you to apologise at the time or send anything else for the rest if the night? And he replied "I've only just woken up and seen it" so he was asleep at midnight or whenever it was sent?? Yeah right

BigBlockSingsong Sat 11-May-13 09:38:23

I feel sorry for you op, the blatant fb updates about being 'on the pull' would have been the last straw for me, so humiliating.

puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE Sat 11-May-13 09:39:05

Lying. How much more do you need to take?

MrsSpagBol Sat 11-May-13 09:44:19

Aadams I feel like you are not reading what people are saying to you.

All you seem to care about are his stupid text messages. Can't you see that his texts don't mean anything at all in light of his actual behaviour?

Casmama Sat 11-May-13 09:47:12

Why on earth did you think it was a good idea to buy a house together?
You need to extricate yourself from this relationship and buying the house and work on your self esteem- you are far too accepting of shit treatment.

sweetestcup Sat 11-May-13 09:50:01

Puds why do you think its not real? Sadly through my work I know lots of women like the OP who end up in relationships like this. Its very real and very hard for any person with a good sense of self to understand why someone would put up with it. Yes it often come's down to having such little confidence that a crap relationship is better than being single. These type of men are really good at hooking the women and giving them carrots to keep them hooked, in amongst all the bad stuff. OP you are lucky you have a chance to get out now. No one should be with anyone who is actively looking for sex elsewhere, this is the crux of it, as bad as the other stuff is.

Floggingmolly Sat 11-May-13 09:51:17

He's openly out on the pull with friends half his age. You don't need to spend the next couple of months thinking "I wonder what happened that night in Leeds"; anyone on this thread can tell you right now hmm
There is nothing in this relationship for you, get out now with at least a smidgen of pride intact.

pictish Sat 11-May-13 09:51:38

Oh right. So if he says sorry, then it's all back on. That's what your text pretty much says to me.

Ok - OP I wish you all the very best I really do. I also would bet my last tenner that your boyfriend isn't it.

I'm offski x

Wowserz129 Sat 11-May-13 09:53:28

Op are you insane! Don't buy a house with a guy who you have only been with a year and he has been on a dating site and is clearly a massive loser!!

Scrape the last remains of your dignity and self esteem off the floor and text him to tell him not to bother contacting you again - and mean it. Have some respect for yourself ffs.

sweetestcup Sat 11-May-13 09:56:12

Of course the OP is going to "forgive" this time, he will turn on the charm and that will be that. How long till the next thread......

GoblinGranny Sat 11-May-13 09:59:33

Well, make your choice OP.
Ignore the advice, the warning flags and the questions others ask you.
Just don't whinge about the consequences in another year, like an extreme sport, you have been told the risks.

CookieLady Sat 11-May-13 10:00:19

You're not listening, are you?
1. Take your money out of the shared pot
2. Pack up his shit
3. Dump him
4. Thank your lucky stars you've not had children with him who would be witnessing your tears on a regular basis - because let's face it the guy's a first class wanker, literally.

GoblinGranny Sat 11-May-13 10:01:59

She's not had children yet, wait a year or two.

AncientCrone Sat 11-May-13 10:02:03

You haven't bought a house together, you are in the process of buying a house. Walk away now while it's still easy.

leobear Sat 11-May-13 10:02:26

You both sound about 12. He sounds hideous, but you also sound like you are enjoying the drama and the attention. Take some responsibility! You are an adult. Don't mess around failing your degree, not eating etc - take responsibility for your own happiness and well being. I know this sounds harsh, but you really do yourself no favours.

Boomba Sat 11-May-13 10:03:43

I know its frustrating, but getting angry with OP is not likely to convince her the best thing to do is leave

DeepRedBetty Sat 11-May-13 10:04:08

Well the Viper's Nest has spoken. But will you listen?

leobear Sat 11-May-13 10:05:40

Boomba - you are right, but nothing we say will convince her. All we can do is tell her the truth.

TSSDNCOP Sat 11-May-13 10:06:37

How many texts will it take before this "relationship" stops fighting and just dies?

He text
I text
His mate text
I text
He text


Mutt Sat 11-May-13 10:06:52

Boomba - different people respond to different things. There are always more than enough people on these threads taking the softly, softly approach.

Perhaps straight talking is what this OP needs to bring her to her senses.

You are not in a position to decide what advice should be dished out or in what manner.

Op. You are a mug. A serious Price Mug with a Price Twit.

You went ahead and bought the house that will only be his and in his name and you share bills with him, didnt you. confused

EffieTheDuck Sat 11-May-13 10:07:59

OP, so many of us on here have gone through this shit, left the bastard, gathered up what little was left of ourselves yet gone on to find happiness and strength.
Please listen to what these women are saying.

Begin by erasing his number then put his stuff in binbags and get him out of your house. Get the locks changed.

GoblinGranny Sat 11-May-13 10:09:28

Boomba, she's posted an identical thread in Relationships.
You could post there and tell her what a bad, nasty man he is and what a silly sausage she is to keep forgiving him, and be ready with the big fluffy huggles when it continues to be the slow car crash of an abusive relationship that it seems to be.

leobear Sat 11-May-13 10:10:53

The best thing you can do is be single for a while, enjoy life with your friends and family, indulge yourself with hobbies and interests, and WAIT until you find a good, decent man - which you will, if you allow yourself to.

leobear Sat 11-May-13 10:12:24

goblin granny - I agree. Softly softly advice actually enables this relationship, IMO.

SavoyCabbage Sat 11-May-13 10:18:41

He doesn't love you, he treats you like dirt.

diddl Sat 11-May-13 10:22:26

I think it's sad that you even have to ask tbh, OP.

But you know what-if you're not happy for any reason you can get rid!

Jemma1111 Sat 11-May-13 10:25:51

Op, why post on here ? You don't seem to be listening to any advice .

This fuckwit has absolute zero respect for you and in all honestly probably doesn't even LIKE you . You are an object for him to use and when he's done with you he will discard you like rubbish .

To sum it up , he is treating you like a prostitute (and he's not even paying for it)

Seriously , have some self respect and tell him to go fuck himself.
If you ignore the advice given by everyone on here then you will regret it.

Boomba Sat 11-May-13 10:36:03

I'm not advocating softly softly at all. She needs to hear the truth.

Bur all this 'im outta here' crap is counter productive....it is just isolating. I know OP is feeling really alone and frightened. It's all very well for people with their self esteem in tack to tell her, she's a 'mug"....you can be damn straight, she knows that already.

A number of posts have come across as quite aggressive

LaQueen Sat 11-May-13 10:36:51

You know...I think, that despite saying she really doesn't need/want all this drama, the OP is actually now addicted to the adrenaline surges of Will he text me...wont he text me...what will his next text say...will he come home tonight...what's he up to, without me...what photos does he have on FaceBook...has he been on other dating sites again...

These adrenaline surges, aren't what you'd call pleasant...but, they are addictive nevertheless - because after all the nasty lows, she gets the lovely highs where her DP makes it up to her, sends her some flowers or something...or, as it happening right now I suspect, offering to do something really nice for her birthday, with her.

But, it's just crumbls from the loaf, that's all. Just the merest smidge, to keep the OP slightly confused, but very grateful.

The OP didn't actually pick her DP. He very much targeted picked her, because he sussed, probably by the third date, that she would put up with his shit.

Boomba Sat 11-May-13 10:38:34

And some posts are quite ridiculing, also

Boomba Sat 11-May-13 10:41:56

OP you should have a read through the Support thread for people in emotionally abusive relationships, on the relationship board. I can't link, I'm on my phone

SwedishKaz Sat 11-May-13 10:45:13

I second RuralNinja's suggestion.

WilsonFrickett Sat 11-May-13 10:59:58

Your 'P' sees you as a warm wet hole for the times when he CBA with Plenty of Fish or going out on the pull with his 20-something mates. Potentially he also sees you as a replacement mother for his children. Certainly once he has you installed in his house he'll find it easier to grind you down and shut your nagging face up - after all, he's bought a house with you, what more proof of his devotion do you need?

You are worth so much more than this.

I'd be booking an Std test next week too.

apostropheuse Sat 11-May-13 12:47:03

Wilsonfrickett makes a very good point. You need to be tested for STDs. Have you been practising safe sex?

sweetiepie1979 Sat 11-May-13 14:42:31

OP I think you sound like you enjoy being a victim all the he text then I text it sounds like a game to you. He is humiliating you. Sort it out!

RiotsNotDiets Sat 11-May-13 14:49:00


TheBigJessie Sat 11-May-13 15:02:05

He cheats repeatedly.
He doesn't support your education and career.
He doesn't care about your birthday.
He gets drunk before he has care of his children. (Seriously he puts going out on the pull over his relationship with your and his children!)
He doesn't pay his way; you support him.
He generally treats you like shit.

Why are you with him?

I had one of these. I was married and lived with him. I came home after I had finally dumped his sorry arse to find him comatose with booze, snoring in a car, stinking of spirits.

A huge sense of calm and relief washed over me. Whenever see him I still get that feeling. He is not my problem any more. He is exactly the same now, BTW, mid-40s. I have a lovely DH, lovely DD, lovely house, lovely life <touches wood>

Please get rid before you have a house and kids with him.

I genuinely think you need to walk away. He doesn't make you happy. That's enough of a reason without adding anything else to it!

CourgetteSmuggler Sat 11-May-13 15:52:35

Just finished the thread.

AA please tell me you've finished this sham of a relationship.
I've never seen a situation where one person truly hold all of the cards, that's you! Don't be a fool.

fritteringtwit Sat 11-May-13 16:15:57

I think you would find going around your home chucking his belongings into a binbag and dropping them off at his mummy's house very theraputic.

His hobbies are basically looking for and shagging other women, and sponging off you. Why on earth are you wasting your life on this emotional retard loser? Is he a twelve inch gold plated mega-stallion in the sack?

What's the backstory with the mother(s) of his DCs? Did they all see the light and LTB?

He's 42. He Will Not Change. Ever. Do you seriously see him as a good prospect long term?

Ledkr Sat 11-May-13 19:04:23

He goes around with 26 yr olds because nobody his own age would want to be like him. Posting stuff on Facebook indeed.

DonDrapersAltrEgoBigglesDraper Sat 11-May-13 21:08:21

Gosh, OP, you're so passive in all this...?!

You try to break up with him, but he doesn't agree with that (for such obvious reasons, to the outside observer), and you just do as you're told...?

You get to decide what happens to you. You do. You're the boss of you, not him.

And for the love of God, do NOT sign that contract.

Brokensoul Mon 30-Sep-13 20:31:57

O wow- he is behaving in such a irresponsible and immature way!
You don't need someone like that....

SilverApples Mon 30-Sep-13 20:39:07



my2centsis Mon 30-Sep-13 21:08:23

How did it turn out op?

Patosshades Mon 30-Sep-13 21:15:31

Oh I bet it's all rosy in the garden now. hmm

PresidentServalan Tue 01-Oct-13 09:21:38

You don't trust him so its time to split up. It's not much of a life for you or him at the moment.

Buzzardbird Tue 01-Oct-13 09:43:26

What has happened to the Zombie warnings?

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