to get annoyed that my lovely flatmate has her lovely boyfriend over so much?

(57 Posts)
somedayma Fri 10-May-13 22:29:33

I LOVE my flatmate. One of my best friends. I LOVE her boyfriend. We've been great friends for about over 10 years (and he introduced me to her). But I'm starting to not love how his visits seem to be increasing slowly.

They're not one of those annoying face licking couples and wouldn't do act in any way to make me feel uncomfortable. But just them BEING there makes me feel a little irritated. I probably am BU and bitterly single and I couldn't bring myself to say anything to her. So I suppose this is just an anonymous whinge!

We have one comfortable sofa and 2 ok chairs. The chairs hurt your back if you sit in them for long. Any time he comes round i feel obliged to move from the sofa so they can sit together. Maybe I should just park my ass there anyway and one of them can sit on the back breaking chairs? or we can all snuggle up together happily on the sofa I realise as I type this that it's very petty!

Sometimes I want to come home from work and binge on junk food and pick my spots in front of the telly. And not have to watch whatever movie they fancy, or listen to them talk over the tv.

Sometimes I want to get up in the night for a drink/nip to the loo and not have to get dressed in case I run into him in the hall.

He's started staying over 3-4 nights a week. I want to shout 'go to his for a change!'. His flatmate has a new girlfriend so i assume he's trying to give them privacy. where's my bloody privacy?

AIBU? yes I probably am. But it feels better to have that off my chest

MrsLouisTheroux Fri 10-May-13 22:34:24

YANBU at all. sad

AgentZigzag Fri 10-May-13 22:34:25

It's not petty to want to feel comfortable in your own home.

What's stopped you from bringing it up with them already?

Could you go down the subtle hint route if you don't feel you can come right out with it?

How have you managed saying the other things which must have come up living with someone?

Xmasbaby11 Fri 10-May-13 22:36:01

YANBU - that sounds really annoying. I think 3-4 nights is taking the piss.

LeaveTheBastid Fri 10-May-13 22:37:23

He practically lives there then? Does he contribute at all?

YANBU. Maybe they should be looking for their own place.

HollyBerryBush Fri 10-May-13 22:38:39

She's in a relationship, you must have laid down ground rules over communal living space..

I completely understand where you are coming from.
Back in the day I flat shared with my lovely friend. It use to drive me crazy when she would have her boyfriend over for increasing number of evenings a week. Basically he was slowly moving in which completely changed the dynamics of our living arrangements.

There was also a cost to him coming over so often. Everything from electricity use to the number of toilet rolls we got through.

Time for you to have a chat with your flat mate I think!

somedayma Fri 10-May-13 22:39:34

Oh I couldn't. She's very overly sensitive and she would be really upset. And then even if it was all fine, there's always that lingering thought of him feeling a bit unwelcome from then on. Also, my last flatmate (another best friend, we live in different countries now) did this too except her boyfriend practically moved in as he lived with his parents. I brought it up, she didn't take it well at all. She got really annoyed and I felt bad. So really, current situation is NOT as bad as last one. This boyfriend doesn't stay over every night and doesn't have a voice like a fucking foghorn

HollyBerryBush Fri 10-May-13 22:41:00

So, It's a recurring pattern, your mates have BFs and you don't?

somedayma Fri 10-May-13 22:41:38

I've also sort of dug my own grave by saying in the past 'oh it's so nice to see more of you' to him. It didn't bother me as much then. And of course it IS nice to see him!

Also regarding communal space rules, why should I get the final say in how it's used? I'd feel like a bossy cow

mrspaddy Fri 10-May-13 22:41:52

100 % YANBU.. 3-4 nights is way too much.. I would say 'ah you's are so close is must break your heart not to be together everynight.. are you looking for a place together?'

somedayma Fri 10-May-13 22:42:55

It's not a recurring problem holly confused I had a boyfriend while living with old flatmate. I mostly stayed at his cos his flatmate was never around

somedayma Fri 10-May-13 22:44:08

Ah no I don't want them to move in together, I absolutely love living with her! I've talked to her about that and she says she's nowhere near wanting to share with him and can't imagine it for a good while

LeaveTheBastid Fri 10-May-13 22:45:47

What advice did you want OP if you're not willing to raise the issue with either of them? confused

cozietoesie Fri 10-May-13 22:46:52

Then if you really cant speak to her, it's time to assert flatmate rights on occasion. Old sweats, bedsocks, crisps and ensconce yourself on the sofa with a movie on. Make it the most unromantic feeling in the flat that you possibly can.

Better make that a seriously bad movie by the way.


UnrequitedSkink Fri 10-May-13 22:47:06

How long have they been together? Could you casually ask her whether they were thinking of moving in together 'seeing as he virtually lives here already, ha ha!'

She might take a hint...

Snazzynewyear Fri 10-May-13 22:47:20

This is a bit of an occupational hazard of flat sharing but I don't see why you should get the worse deal all the time. How do you decide who gets to pick the TV viewing, do you alternate nights or what? Plus I would not feel constantly obliged to move from the sofa.

Do you own the flat, or do you both rent it? I take it you moved in first?

If this has happened twice I think you're being a bit too doormatty, even if they're your friends. I would prepare a conversation about how you work things now the bf is spending so much time there. That includes chipping into household kitty for milk/toilet roll/bills as appropriate.

What happens the other 3/4 nights? Does she go to his or do they separate?

twofalls Fri 10-May-13 22:47:39

Holly. What an odd comment.

Op YANBU I also get you just needed to vent!

Mintyy Fri 10-May-13 22:48:35

What a strange situation! Your flat mate and her boyfriend have been together for 10 years and yet she is still living with you, not him? What's all that about then?

Snazzynewyear Fri 10-May-13 22:49:16

For people who are 'nowhere near' wanting to share a house, they are, erm, sharing a house for quite a bit of the week. I think that they are happy with the status quo, and after all, they would be as they get most of the benefits of living together without you really inconveniencing them in anyway. That's good for them but you have to make sure it meets your needs too.

somedayma Fri 10-May-13 22:49:56

[leave] I wasn't really looking for advice, just wanted to vent. Maybe I should have put this in chat!

I hope it won't become a regular thing, it's just in the last few weeks he seems to be here more than he used to

LeaveTheBastid Fri 10-May-13 22:50:09

Mintyy Op has been friends with the bf for 10 years grin

AgentZigzag Fri 10-May-13 22:51:15

I can imagine if the amount of nights he's stopping has increased gradually and you've made positive noises about it when asked, they must think you're OK with it.

You have to let them know in some way, just because it didn't go down well last time doesn't mean it'll go the same way this time.

You could start by trying to find openings where you could answer in a way which tells them how you feel, rather than you just answering to be polite. Then increase that if they don't get the message.

somedayma Fri 10-May-13 22:51:33

No mintyy I knew him first before they met. They've been together a couple of years on and off. Things have been a bit rocky between them but they seem to be doing well now which I'm glad about but that might be why they're spending more time together

ChippingInLovesSunshine Fri 10-May-13 22:54:43

OK - so, at least make yourself more comfortable if you are just going to tolerate it.

- Stay on the couch
- Grab the remote and hang onto it
- Shushhhhhh them when they're talking over the TV


and ask him if he even remembers what his place looks like

AgentZigzag Fri 10-May-13 22:55:10

You can write what you want in your OP someday, post it where you want, and take advice or decide to do something different. It's up to you.

I agree with Snazzy that staying on the setee is probably a good start, let them battle it out for the back breaking chair.

Southeastdweller Fri 10-May-13 22:56:06

3-4 nights a week is a joke. She's taking you for a damn fool. Why don't you say something?

Viviennemary Fri 10-May-13 22:57:20

This is the downside of flat sharing. I think you should get a place of your own. But in hindsight you shouldn't have said how nice it was that he was there more often! And you certainly shouldnt feel obliged to move to the sofa every time he comes round. And why can't they get a place of their own if they've been together 10 years. But flat sharing comes to an end eventually and people move on. Looks like the time has come for one of you to do this.

Lj8893 Fri 10-May-13 22:58:05

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Xmasbaby11 Fri 10-May-13 23:02:48

If you don't want to confront her, I'd just go out more and spend time with other friends.

somedayma Fri 10-May-13 23:03:12

Ok, I will STAY ON THE SOFA from now on. Thanks for responses smile

I'm hesitant to bring it up cos 1) I know she would take it as a bigger deal than it is, not in a nasty way, but she can be very sensitive about and worry about, things that other people wouldn't give a 2nd thought 2) I don't want him to feel at all unwelcome. He is a great friend to me 3) I really don't want to shit on her happiness. 'oh I know you guys were having problems and you were really miserable but now that things are better for you, it's pissing ME off'

I think I'll just stake a claim on the sofa and let them get on with it. Thanks smile

MisForMumNotMaid Fri 10-May-13 23:07:53

Couldn't you each chip in to buy a comfy chair? Whats an Ikea poang these days about £30?

LeaveTheBastid Fri 10-May-13 23:09:52

You sound like a lovely friend OP flowers start leaving pictures of comfy recliner chairs lying about and circled in catalogues etc grin

somedayma Fri 10-May-13 23:11:43

mis we have 2 bloody poangs or whatever they're called! They're great at first but really my lower back ache after a while. Flatmate is the same. Also it's a rented flat and not v big living room. Can't get rid of landlords furniture to make way for better stuff unfortunately

Startail Fri 10-May-13 23:16:17

I tried to inflict, my now DH, on my flat mates only one weekend in three.
(Other weekend were at his tiny bedsit, my parents and his mums in the holidays as she was a long trip).

In return for my flat mates tolerating him he hoovered. Our university residences were rumoured to have one new Hoover in 170 flats, it wasn't in ours grin

AgentZigzag Fri 10-May-13 23:18:22

If it's getting to you then you're going to have to make him feel a bit unwelcome I'm afraid.

It's lovely he's been a good friend to you, but that doesn't mean you owe him the comfort of your own house.

Really, they should ask you if you're still happy with him staying over so much, are they not asking because they suspect you won't be? (although if they know you they probably know you won't tell them the truth?)

somedayma Fri 10-May-13 23:24:57

I genuinely don't think it's occurred to either of them that it might annoy me. They're the sweetest couple I know! I think she in particular would be mortified if I said anything and that's what i want to avoid- her inflated reaction to me bringing up something that I find minorly irritating. I may start lounging around in my pants and see if that puts them off grin

Snazzynewyear Fri 10-May-13 23:34:46

OK, so what do you like watching that they don't? Time for a marathon viewing session on the sofa in your jammies.

I don't mean that to sound as passive-aggressive as it probably does. I just think you should not feel bad about asserting your own preferences or your equal right to take up space. Maybe then they'll go out a bit more.

somedayma Fri 10-May-13 23:42:27

SOAPS. I love my soaps. I record them to watch at night when they're in bed but now I will WATCH THEM ON THE SOFA AT 730 WITH TH REST OF THE UK grin

Snazzynewyear Fri 10-May-13 23:57:57

Yay! Do it grin There's always room for compromise but you should not be having to record programmes you like every night and wait till they're in bed to watch them.

You could always develop a sudden enthusiasm for Twitter and gush about how great it is to watch the programme 'live' and tweet along.

somedayma Sat 11-May-13 00:03:45

That's actually what I miss about watching them live, the twitter banter blush

Snazzynewyear Sat 11-May-13 00:15:22

There you go then. Just settle yourself on the sofa and get tweeting. Say you're rediscovering it. I'm not a big soap watcher but I really like Twitter for stuff like the Apprentice.

somedayma Sat 11-May-13 00:41:54

twitter is GREAT for the apprentice! Especially near the final. Luckily all 3 of us love the apprentice smile

AgentZigzag Sat 11-May-13 00:44:20

Usually AIBU is full of 'it's not all about you' posts, it's refreshing to see more 'make it more about yourself' answers grin

You seem very concerned with not offending them or making them want to move on, and I understand you have to compromise when you share with another person, but surely a friendship of 10 years is able to take a little bit of honesty?

You're very insecure about the friendships.

Or are the established roles you have with each other (i.e. making yourself feel uncomfortable to enable them to have a nice time - and if you think about it they should sometimes refuse the setee if it's making you sit in the shit seat, they must know that) that's kept you friends and you don't want to upset the balance by being anything less than your normal accommodating self?

Still18atheart Sat 11-May-13 00:55:09

So have they been actually been together for 10 years. Or just known each other for 10 years then started dating a while after that. If so How long have they been dating??

YANBU I like to veg out, I hate having bfs of flatmates round, as you have to be polite around them. And the last thing I am when I come home is polite or when I've just got up for that matter

steppemum Sat 11-May-13 01:15:18

make comments like

'Oh goody it is apprentice night, I love the twitter comments' early in the evening , so you have 'staked your claim' on the TV.
stay on the sofa, make wry comment about those stupid chairs, so they now it is the chairs.

How about suggesting you need a slob evening this week? So it isn't directed at them, but more suggesting something you would like? So Tuesdays become slob nights, or girls only nights or pjs and spot picking nights? if you framed it that way, it wouldn't be about her and the bf??

Remind yourself that if she goes you would have to find another flat mate!

BonaDea Sat 11-May-13 02:48:20


I lived with a flatmate whose bf came over all the time and in the end starting staying with us for weeks on end as he was studying for a phd abroad and could write his thesis as easily from our place. When he did that he was home all day with the heating on, using the electricity and Internet and contributed cock all.

God it pissed me off. I found myself sloping off to my bedroom often as I felt in the way. I would want to cook dinner in the evening to find them camped in there cooking an elaborate meal and drinking wine. Fvckers.

Of course it didn't help I was single at the time but they were definitely taking the proverbial. I moved out in the end.

ComposHat Sat 11-May-13 03:03:46

The solution is simple:ménage a trois (that's your actual French).

Have you never seen Rita, Sue and Bob too?

Wanders off singing 'Gang bang' by Black Lace.

maddening Sat 11-May-13 05:54:35

Yanbu - though I bet by xmas she is living with him - nothing to do with you but it sounds like their relationship is moving that way.

cumfy Sat 11-May-13 15:45:40

Think you need to encourage them to start "swapping" with the other couple in the equation.

What's wrong with his flatmate's GF's place ?

Place on sofa, good. Watching your soaps and tweeting, good. How about the middle-of-the-night hallway dashes? When my flatmate had her fiancé over it developed over time that it was up to him to avoid me. Not sure how we got to that stage - it was a long time ago - but could you say something like "If you're coming out of the bedroom at night, can you just make sure I'm not up and about? It would be embarrassing for both of us if you saw me in my pants!" Then the onus is on him to not make you uncomfortable in your own home, IYSWIM.

GiraffesAndButterflies Sat 11-May-13 16:06:19

I might get flamed for this as it's not exactly a dignified option for you OP. But if you really want to raise it in a way that won't offend her, you could fake being upset by their lovely coupleness while you're single, and pull out the tears and the it-just-reminds-me-that-I'm-alone sobs. That might get them to share out their time a bit better.

I hesitated to even type the above, because it's a pretty crap option in many ways... And it could backfire if she starts trying to set you up with people etc... But you sound like you're running out of ideas!

YY to reclaim the sofa!

whois Sat 11-May-13 17:26:11

It's quite a difficult situation. You like then both but him being there so much changes the dynamic.

I would probably say something to flat mate along the lines of "I love loving with you, and I really like boyfriend, but when he is hear so much of kinda changes the dynamic a bit. Would it be possible for you to alternate which flat you stay over in a bit more?"

I would defo not move off the sofa for them!

I was less polite to an annoying ex-housemate who moved his girlfriend in when she actually lived on her own and caused massive problems for bathroom in the morning. Prick. Anyway, got to the stage where I'd hinted, i'd asked nicely, I'd asked not so nicely, so have him his months notice to move out. Happy days.

WafflyVersatile Sat 11-May-13 17:37:59

Can't you talk to the boyfriend, as he's your friend already?

It's not at all unreasonable. I always used to say to potential flatmates (well lodgers) that they are welcome to have partners round once or twice a week, but not all weekend every weekend or half of the week. It should be balanced out by them fucking off to their other halves too, if possible. Some might think that's a bit unreasonable but they don't have to move in if it doesn't suit them. smile

CruCru Sat 11-May-13 17:56:05

Announce that you've hurt your back and can't stand the chairs. As soon as you get home, get into your pyjamas and stay on the sofa.

FairPhyllis Sat 11-May-13 19:08:20

This is so annoying. I was in a situation like this (except the boyfriend of my flatmate spent almost EVERY night in our house). It was a massive place so not too bad but I wish now that I'd said something.

I think you should propose adding him to the cleaning rota or contributing to bills - that should get the message across. It's not at all unreasonable to say something. If they want to be together most of the time they should get a place together.

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