AIBU to think this was a little off?(37 Posts)
At the park a few days ago and was sat with a couple of friends, both of which I had thought were good friends. Our kids had their bikes and were riding around.
We were talking about stabilisers and I was saying I'm not sure when to take them off etc. Friend A says her DS learned to ride by using a balance bike and that it was really good, DS learnt within a few days. She said if I could (then hesitated very slightly) find someone who had one, she recommended borrowing it for my DD who could learn to ride that way. I said ok. Thought it was a good idea but a non starter because I don't know anyone with a balance bike.
Friend Bs' DS came running over about 10 minutes later to say that he wanted the stabilisers taken off and wanted to learn to ride a bike properly. Friend gushed about how this was a fantastic idea. Friend A then says "I have a balance bike, how about I bring it over tomorrow and X can have a go on it." This was within my earshot given how we were all sat around the same table.
I didn't say anything but thought this seemed a little off really. Friend A actually lives up the road from me. I am trustworthy with stuff and I thought we were actually friends. I am at a bit of a loss as to why she would suggest I find someone who has a balance bike to borrow, without saying that she has one, then offers it up to our other friend 10 minutes later. I actually felt like I was intruding on their conversations after this point as Friend A turned around to face the park and didn't turn back again. I was sat on the other side of the table so her back was to me for the rest of the time.
I am very . She is a lovely person and I did consider her to be a friend but actually I don't know anymore. I recently organised a weekend away, in the end she couldn't make it (after paying) and rather than actually let me know (organising it was a hassle and I did have to chase her up a couple of times) I found out through her posting it on Facebook (not my wall or anything). I thought common courtesy would mean she would have contacted me directly.
I am guessing that she doesn't actually see me as a friend? Or am I reading too much into it?
She sounds a bit knobbish. I'd probably still do play dates with her if the kids get on but wouldn't bother initiating anything without the kids.
Does she have younger DC that she's holding onto bike for? From the way you've worded it it sounds like she's suggesting you borrow one for a while till your DD learns to ride it whilst only offering your other friend a chance for her DS to try it out.
Actually scrap that, but strange she didn't offer your DD a little try as well - unless she thinks its one for 'boys'
YANBU - she sounds totally socially inept. Why don't people get that this sort of thing is clearly hurtful??
She doesn't sound like much of a friend to me. You're probably better off without her. When she cancelled a holiday with you by telling the world of Facebook before telling you, I think that is totally disrespectful!
Huh, very cold and off-putting!
Dial the connection back to viewing her purely as the mum of your DD's friend, be pleasant, but don't trust her.
If she proves herself a real friend over time then fine but it's probably wise to detach from the idea of her being anything other than an acquaintance.
It does sound a bit odd, she can't have forgotten she'd mentioned it to you but didn't offer a try out of her bike for your DS.
If it happened a few days ago and you're still thinking about it, would you feel comfortable asking her why she didn't offer?
She might be really taken aback and not realise how it came across, or she might have another legit/innocent reason why she didn't.
Yeah, the Facebook thing is even worse. She doesn't have a lot of respect for you does she?
Er I think you are being WAAAY over sensitive
She hasn't offered to lend the balance bike to your other friend, just to let her DS have a go on it. She perhaps doesn't want to lend it because she wants to keep it for another child, or give it to someone else or sell it.
But why didn't she offer the same to the OP Meryl?
It was the friend who suggested the OP borrow one from someone else, the OP's wasn't expecting her to lend it to her DS.
Definitely not a boy/girl bike thing. That sort of thing wouldn't bother her at all.
She said her DS learned in 3 days so even if I did borrow it, she wouldn't have anticipated it being very long. Both of her children can ride bikes so she didn't need it for immediate use.
Our children don't play together. They don't not get along but I wouldn't count them as friends with my children and wouldn't arrange playdates (hate that phrase) with them specifically. Its more a case of the kids see each other in group situations now.
I just remembered last year. Her and her kids birthdays are near each other and them and 3 other families were all going on a day out. Friend B asked me if I was going. I said I hadn't been invited. She said she knows friend A was going to as she had told her, she didn't and I never did get that invite. I get a text from Friend A when they were out apologising for forgetting to invite me and "you know what I am like". She is very flakey and disorganised. Its always an excuse with the "you know what I am like" type thing, and that sort of attitude annoys me generally tbh.
Meryl actually I didn't make it clear, I am sure friend A was taking the bike around with a view to them borrowing it, she was just going to take it around there to see how the DS got on with it at first.
Well I would cut her out tbh. She obviously doesn't see you as a friend or she's one of those people who likes to play silly games - there is no other explanation for her constant snubs. Either way you don't need it and you can do better.
Do you think the uses the flaky persona to her own advantage?
It gives her license to do whatever she wants, like changing plans, but she sidesteps the difficult conversations with the people she's letting down?
I got the hint from your OP that you maybe think there's a reason why she's a bit cold with you but she's not let you in on that.
How much would it bother you if there was a reason?
Sometimes it's best not to know (if you're not that fussed about the person anyway) and less hassle to leave them to their own devices.
She's not your friend. I hate "you know what I'm like" people; as if it's somehow cute and engaging to be plain fucking rude.
Even if she wanted to lend the bike to one person more than others, most people with an ounce of decency or sensitivity would not do this in front of you when she's just mentioned it!
"I hate "you know what I'm like" people; as if it's somehow cute and engaging to be plain fucking rude."
Oh yes I am with you on this one!
I think maybe she does have some reason and I don't know what it is. I have an inkling. We went away on a hen do last year and I am a stupid drunk that gets carried away (not cheating or anything like that) but I sensed her disapproval. She is a sensible type whereas I can be a bit wild once I have had a drink (the once in a blue moon it happens). I could be completely wrong on that though. No one else seems to care or disapprove.
Her reasons (if there is one) doesn't bother me. Its her problem, not mine.
Only issue could be that friend B is a good friend of mine and if she arranges any get togethers, she will include friend A, although I get the feeling that they have been doing quite a lot more without me anyway. I have other friends so am not bothered. Just wondering if I was being over sensitive. Sometimes I read things very wrongly.
'Sometimes I read things very wrongly.'
I shouldn't be answering because I have trouble with this too
If you might be meeting up with her at some point with Friend B then it's probably not a good idea to ask her about the bike then.
Is it something you can ignore and just keep at a friendly but distant-ish level? (given you've been thinking about it for a few days)
No, not being over-sensitive at all. It's almost as if she's going out of her way to piss you off, tbh, in a way which is hard to confront and mostly invisible to others.
So what did you do when you were pissed then OP? Straddle her and sing 'Dirrrrrrrrrrrrty'? Do something unmentionable in her handbag?
It's odd though that she has a balance bike. Recommends one to you, and you don't ask to borrow hers? You said in response to her that you didn't know anyone with one. I'd have felt put out at that. Because you do know someone - her.
Maybe she feels you are pissed with her over the holiday thing? She tried to make up clumsily and she feels you dismissed her.
I'm quite shy in company. I'd have felt like this. And I'd have wanted to sit with my back to you rather than engage in more conversation, but wouldn't have been brave enough.
But she didn't tell the OP she had one though Squirted - she said her DS had learnt on one. Then suggested she find 'someone' who could lend one.
Very different to going, "DS learnt on ours - borrow it for DD if you like?"
Squirted I didn't know she had one. I didn't tell her that I didn't know anyone with one, that was me telling everyone in my OP. When she suggested I try and borrow one, I didn't want to say "great idea but I don't know anyone with one" so I nodded politely and said it was a good idea, whilst thinking that I don't know anyone with them. 10 minutes later, I found out that I did know someone with one.
She would have no idea whatsoever that I was annoyed about the weekend away. She won't have thought she has done anything wrong, although others all said "what she didn't contact you" when they found out she wasn't going, like they thought it was rude as well.
Lemon it was nothing to her, she was just stood there at the time.
Did anyone else balk a little over your antics OP?
Really curious now
But honestly, rowdy drunken behaviour, probably the like of which we've all done, shouldn't make her feel justified in being a cold judgey bastard.
Phase her right out. Arrange to see friend B on your own and let it all fall into a natural pattern where you just say hello nicely to friend A when you happen to meet, and then glide past her.
Oh ok sorry. Have re-read the OP. Obviously Im projecting widely.
No Lemon, they laugh at me really. Apparently they love my drunk personality. I have said this means they don't like me sober though.
I am just very happy, up for anything type. If there is a dare to be done (hen night style) then basically people would come to me. Although I can be a bit stupid too.
It doesn't paint me in a good light but whatever, I was hammered. Group of stags were asking if nipples were brown or pink. Me being me had no idea so I just showed them. Whoops. Got the distinct impression that my friend disapproved.
Heh, you were pissed and carried away, is all. If I'd been there I would have been and and my only thought would have been to steer you away from the booze hounds and make sure you were ok.
In fact one of my close friends has done something very similar while ramped up on wine!
No, anyone who decides to condemn you for that is being extremely judgemental.
This so-called friend A can go jump in a lake and no mistaking.
See if friend b had been there, she would have steered me away but friend a just stood there, slightly at a distance, watching. I did wonder why she didn't
try and control me gently suggest we move on.
I just won't have much to do with her I think and if friend b suggests inviting her along, I will say I would rather it was just us. Although I know she will want to know what the problem is as friend b thinks she is fantastic and if I tell her what I have put here, friend b will tell me it isn't like that at all and friend a is a wonderful person, not like that etc etc, because she really doesn't come across that way. That's why I can only think it is because she disapproves of me in some way.
You know what, I think Friend A is a bit socially-clumsy-tending-to-rude, from what you say, and probably knew she was going to lend the bike to Friend B to whom she appears to be much closer. So didn't offer. Not in itself crime of the century. But other stuff sound a bit irritating and sniffy.
As this is not a playground, and you are grown women, don't bring Friend B into it. That's not fair on B.
She doesn't sound that great a friend. At least you've got other friends, make the most of them.
But I only popped onto your thread to tell you that if you have a child's bike already you can turn it into a balance bike by lowering the seat so the child's feet reach the ground and taking the pedals off. They should be able to balance and scoot around on it easily. Once they've got the hang of balancing, put the pedals back on, raise the seat and away.
OP - have you considered saying to Friend A - "Getting back to you about the suggestion you made about the balance bike, I've found a friend who has one - you! so when can we borrow it for a few days?" all said as light and airy-fairy as you like and see what she says.
She will either go "D'oh! I should have offered you ours when I made the suggestion" or "I'm sorry but I've already loaned it out to X" and then you'll know where you stand. If it's the first response, then perhaps she is a bit dizzy when it comes to certain things, if it is the second response, then you know that you wont be including her in your close circle of friends and she becomes more of an acquaintance, right?
She does sound rather socially inept, but I don't think she's trying to offend or upset you. She just genuinely doesn't seem to realise. If you'd like her to know how you feel about some of the things she's said, you will need to tell her. If you're good friends then you should be able to be honest about how you feel, forgive and move on.
I would have said "I didn't realise you had a balance bike, friend A. Can I borrow it for my child once Friend B has borrowed it?' and put her on the spot. Said with a smile, it would have been a good way of pulling her up on her behaviour in an innocent way!
I too am not very keen on 'Silly me, you know what I am like' type friends. DD2's mum is like that; often says and does rude things and then puts it down to just being silly, ditsy old her. I have as little to do with her as possible these days as she annoys me.
Each to their own... I'm a bit scatty sometimes and the super-organised folks scare me
I think you're being a little over sensitive and I'd have just said "ooh i didn't realise you had a balance bike, any chance DD can have a try of it".
And re the weekend away, maybe she just had a change of heart. I love a good drunken night out and I'm no pearl clutcher but friends whipping their nipples out to show a group of lads on a stag do just ain't my thing at all.
sounds to me like she isn't interested in being friends. sorry.
i agree that you should meet friend b without friend a from now on. don't make any more effort and see if she starts to make more. if not, you have your answer.
Thanks for your replies. I didn't think this thread was going to come up again actually.
I'm going to leave it with her and cut my losses tbh. She has lived near me for a few years and I have been to see her and that but she has never got in touch about meeting for a coffee of anything, it has all been at mutual friends that we have seen each other. She is ditzy but not enough to know that when she made the suggestion of borrowing a balance bike, she forgot that she had one or anything. It was the pause she made when we were having the conversation, then her offering it to our friend 10 minutes later, after sitting with her back to me that made me think .
No, I cba with this crap. I just don't count her as a friend anymore, and now I'm not sure why I did in the first place really. It was a bit one sided.
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