To want to go by myself to a music festival?

(94 Posts)
KatyTheCleaningLady Fri 10-May-13 08:13:31

Okay. My husband has been working up in Scotland while I've been living in England, working and being a single mother since Christmas. DH is due to come down to join us at the end of the month, and today he finds out if he has a job he really wants. We are pretty optimistic about that happening.

If he has the job, we are financially set. Yay!

Now, I've been scrubbing toilets and wrangling kids and making decent money, and I would like a little break.

I have never been to a festival. I also have never seen Slayer live. They are headlining at Bloodfest in August. I was thinking it would be fun to go for the Saturday and Sunday, leaving Sat am and coming home Monday am.

I don't think a little weekend away is a big deal, but a lot of people I know are aghast. "You want to leave your husband with the kids while you go to a heavy metal festival?" Er, yes? confused

I have not asked my dh yet as we are focused on the job thing he will hear about today. If it's the good news we're hoping for, I will ask him.

My husband has "let" me take a trip to Los Angeles and a little trip to Bruges. I also go for all day hill walks, etc. I like the occasional break and he's pretty cool about this.
But so many people look shock at me, and make comments to the effect of me somehow having my husband under some sort of unfair control that makes him agree to these things, that I'm wondering if maybe they're right. DH is ok with this sort of thing, but he does grumble a little.

How many of you with dh/dp's would be "allowed" to go off for a weekend like this?

Am I BU?

ladymariner Fri 10-May-13 08:16:16

I would. Don't see a problem with it tbh, as long as it works both ways

Tailtwister Fri 10-May-13 08:20:59

YANBU, why the hell not!

getmeoutofthismadhouse Fri 10-May-13 08:22:24

When I was with my ex he used to moan because I WOULDN'T go out and leave him with the kids. He encouraged me to have a life without the kids so he would've loved a weekend to himself . I think more partners should take the reins for a few hours/days and let their oh's have some down time. I definitely think if you have the guts to go alone (I couldn't ) then go and have a good time!!

Meringue33 Fri 10-May-13 08:23:03

Yanbu, do it!

DeepRedBetty Fri 10-May-13 08:35:59

Well apart from the fact that I can't think of anything I'd like to see LESS than Slayer, or anything at a festival with a name like Bloodfest, yanbu - if you'd be happy to let DH go off for a weekend doing his thing on his own, it has to work both ways.

I'm wondering how much fun it will be without a person to talk with during the gaps though.

KatyTheCleaningLady Fri 10-May-13 08:39:40

I would be happy for him to do similar, but he won't. He doesn't like doing things like this or going off alone.

I am very outgoing. I will find other middle aged people who are reliving their youths and make friends. I will probably sort out some via the forum on the Bloodfest website. "Any other frumpy middle aged parents going?"

IdreamofJarvis Fri 10-May-13 09:33:13

Sorry but I don't think Slayer will be playing anymore, Jeff Hanneman died the other day sad YANBU to still attend in your own tho.

joydivisionovengloves Fri 10-May-13 09:45:34

Slayer are still playing and YANBU.

KatyTheCleaningLady Fri 10-May-13 10:06:23

Jeff Hanneman took two years to die from the spider bite, and they've been playing with another bassist for some time. It's very sad that he died sad.

MidniteScribbler Fri 10-May-13 10:15:58

1) YANBU to want to go.

2) YABU to call yourself a single parent.

IdreamofJarvis Fri 10-May-13 10:18:34

Hadn't realised they had been playing with another bassist...doesn't seem right without Jeff sad Slayer always reminds me of my younger days, very sad to hear he had passed away. RIP.

RooneyMara Fri 10-May-13 10:20:34

I think it will be lonely.

LemonPeculiarJones Fri 10-May-13 10:20:47

He died from a spider bite, and it took two years??!!??

Fuck. That's awful. What kind of spider, how, why? <mind boggles>

But no YANBU. If your DH is cool with it, it's none of anyone else's business, is it?

Fingers crossed for the job.

BarredfromhavingStella Fri 10-May-13 10:22:35

YANBU, I'd do the same-DH has no problem with this & he went for a weeks diving holiday when DD was 9 months so works both ways...

RooneyMara Fri 10-May-13 10:24:11
rambososcar Fri 10-May-13 10:30:11

YANBU. If my other half even thought the words "let" or "allow" in relation to me acting as a fully grown adult he'd be wearing his bollocks for earrings. grin

YABU for referring to yourself as being a single mother though. Ever tried it? I don't recommend the work and stress levels or the average social or financial status. wink smile

KatyTheCleaningLady Fri 10-May-13 11:11:24

By "single parent" I only meant that I've been doing all the parenting for several months. Obviously, this is not the same as being actually without a partner, as we knew he would be with us soon. And, of course, he's supporting us financially.

I wouldn't say that someone who has joint custody and receives maintenance is not a single parent, and if the spouse of a submariner said they were a "single parent" whilst their partner was deployed, or something like that, I would understand that they meant they were solely responsible for all the work of raising the children, even if only temporarily.

KatyTheCleaningLady Fri 10-May-13 11:12:05

Oh, and I was a single parent before I met and married my husband.

maddening Fri 10-May-13 11:13:48

I would but I would prefer to go with a group of friends (not dfiance necessarily although it would be lovely to go together.

I think the chap that died was an alcoholic at some point so likely his system was not at optimum for combating spider bites (dfiance is a metal fan smile )

KatyTheCleaningLady Fri 10-May-13 11:21:03

I actually like being alone. I used to go to movies alone, restaurants alone, and I have travelled around Europe several times alone. I even hired a gondola in Venice alone. Sure it's supposed to be a romantic thing, but I don't see the point of missing out on something just because there's nobody else to do it with.

I think being alone (in a crowd) is one of the primary appeals of going to the festival.

KatyTheCleaningLady Fri 10-May-13 12:31:40

I am happy that everyone is in agreement with me on this.

But, what if he did object? I mean, if he were to be unhappy about me going off and camping at a music festival, alone, for a weekend, leaving him alone with the kids? Obviously, he couldn't forbid me going, but I think many people would not be happy about it if it were their spouse going.

I did say that he might grumble a bit, and I suppose the only reason he doesn't object more strenuously is that he knows he can't stop me, so why bother really trying. I think maybe I would feel a bit guilty about that.

Numberlock Fri 10-May-13 12:35:00

Don't get me started on this topic!

Me and my girlfriends have been having weekends away 2/3 times a year for the best part of the last 20 years.

And we still get the comments "Who's looking after your kids" "Oooh isn't their dad good!"

(Incidentally the husbands/ex-husbands/fathers are all supportive, it's a way of life for us all and they get to do the same.)

If he objects, you're with the wrong guy. But it doesn't sound like he would as you've already been on other weekends away?

Glittertwins Fri 10-May-13 12:51:13

Why on earth shouldn't he have the children if you want to do something totally different? I went to see Metallica at Reading when the DTs were 5 months old and he stayed home.

Glittertwins Fri 10-May-13 12:54:11

After camping at Monsters of Rock, I will never ever ever camp at a festival again...incidentally that's where I had the misfortune of seeing Slayer (not a fan) who were on the bill with the bands I did want to see.

KatyTheCleaningLady Fri 10-May-13 13:07:59

I'm a bit nervous about the camping, to be honest. I think I can manage ok for two nights, and I've done plenty of regular camping, but if it's a huge mud pit full of really obnoxious people, that could suck. I don't think it would be dangerous for me in any way, but maybe it would be really weird if I were alone.

Glittertwins Fri 10-May-13 13:11:37

It was the toilet facilities (or lack of) !!!

Numberlock Fri 10-May-13 13:12:19

I doubt you'd be on your own for long anyway, OP, I'm sure you'd soon hook up with other groups/singletons.

As for the mudfest, that depends on the weather (obviously) but how soon you get there to choose a decent spot and if you're not arriving till the Friday you might be short on choice.

Why not go for the whole thing (assuming it starts on the Friday?)

KatyTheCleaningLady Fri 10-May-13 13:25:32

It starts Thursday. I'm really only interested in the Sat and Sun lineups, and I think more than two days would be boring. Also, to minimise the time my husband is dealing with kids, work and childcare.

Glitter, I will take a camping pee bucket thing to keep in my tent. I always do when camping.

I imagine there are no showers, but another bucket will serve as a wash bowl.

Numberlock Fri 10-May-13 13:26:31

Get it booked.

Glittertwins Fri 10-May-13 13:46:14

The bucket is a wise idea...and dry shampoo!

KatyTheCleaningLady Fri 10-May-13 13:50:33

Numberlock, if he gets the good news today, then I will!

It could all be moot if he doesn't get the job. Fingers crossed!

Glittertwins Fri 10-May-13 14:00:50

Fingers crossed for him smile

Thanquol Fri 10-May-13 14:22:17

Bloodfest? In August? With Slayer? - That'll be Bloodstock then! smile

Last year Bloodstock was possibly the only festival with good weather; it's a smaller fest and certainly in previous years it's been quite friendly, there is a quiet camping area for folks who want to have a kip rather than party and for folks bringing their kids.

There are showers but you have to pay to use em!

You may find info of use on the Bloodstock website - also the forums there may help! grin

KatyTheCleaningLady Fri 10-May-13 14:42:29

Yes! Bloodstock! I literally only found out about it last night. I was Googling something about Carcass, and saw they are scheduled to play some festival later in the year. They're the only band so far, and there was nothing else about the event. But, I got the idea to Google "metal festival uk" and found SLAYER!! Thought, "You know, that could be fun."

I was looking at the photos of last year's festival on the website and was surprised at how young everyone was. I thought it would be a bunch of 40 - somethings like me, indulging in a bit of nostalgia.

I am a pretty boring looking person. Sensible shoes, knitter, etc. I hope that I am not the only person my age /type there.

CatelynStark Fri 10-May-13 14:48:04

Go! It'll be brilliant!

I'm definitely going to do this when my kids are a bit older (lone parent) - just make sure you camp in the quiet/family areas otherwise you'll have arsehole teens shouting 'bollocks' or 'bogies' or 'Alan' all night!

KatyTheCleaningLady Fri 10-May-13 15:33:16

He got the job!


HairyGrotter Fri 10-May-13 16:04:33

Go and enjoy!!

I'm doing 3 festivals this year, one with DD though. The other two are my 'grown up' time, I say grown up, I go because I love live music and I can drink at 6am without judgement ;)

Have fun and congrats on the job front!

BullieMama Fri 10-May-13 16:57:15

OP, have a look at the Steelhouse Festival in South Wales, has just the atmosphere your looking for, I am pushing 40 and love reliving my youth,but it is also family friendly as a rock festival can be, have taken my daughter since she was 6. Saxon, Magnum, FM classic Dad rock but then new up and coming bands Temperance Movement, Buffalo Summer, Skam Fighting Wolves.

Not as hard as Slayer but come to South Wales for the weekend for a warm Welsh welcome grin

FarBetterNow Fri 10-May-13 18:13:05

YANBU about wanting to go to a festival on your own.
I wouldn't want to go to that one as there will probably lots of bottles of piss flying around over the punters, which is why hats are standard festival wear.

badguider Fri 10-May-13 18:16:23

My DH would be ok with it BUT we live together. He will take our DS for a half day or day almost every weekend and a whole weekend about once a year.

If he'd been living away for a while though I wouldn't want to go away for a weekend, I'd be missing him and want to spend time with him at the weekends when he was back.

Glittertwins Fri 10-May-13 18:34:23

Woohoo smile well done MrKaty!!

Bunraku Fri 10-May-13 19:53:47

I'm going to download on my own as I do every year. Ps there is usually a camp with a lot of people going alone to make new friends and just have people to camp with really as if you're camping its good to have a few neighbours to watch each others welfare. The one for download is called Camp Loner, not sure if there's something similar for bloodstock. Yanbu to want to experience anything that you enjoy even if its met with a grumble initially. My DH always has a great time when I'm gone smile

KatyTheCleaningLady Fri 10-May-13 21:52:44

Well! An update!

DH is not thrilled with the idea. I think he thinks it's going to be some sort of decadent orgy straight out of a stupid heavy metal video and that I'm going to be deflowered by Stacee Jaxx and/or cannibalized by Scandanavian Death Metal enthusiasts.

He talked about going with me. I'm, like, "OK. If you wanna go. But, you don't really like the music." He's never even heard any of the bands. Not even Slayer! I think £130 is an awful lot of money to spend on a weekend of music you don't like. And, also? I kinda don't want him to see me geeking out to this shit. I have always kind of kept my metal music sort of private. To me, it's really funny and I see it as a bit of a joke, but I totally love brutal, heavy, fast music and I'm not sure how much fun it would be to head bang in front of my husband who, whenever the subject of music comes up, goes on and on about his days going to Manchester clubs to see the Stone Roses or whatever the fuck I don't care about because I'm American and anyway THRASH!!1!!

But! I don't think he'll really want to spend the money. Also, I think he'd be happy if I took our nine-year-old. I repeatedly assured him that the festival is family-friendly, kids are very welcome, there's a family camping area, and a child's ticket is only £30. I guess he figures I won't actually have a heavy metal gang bang with a bunch of paunchy guys who I last listened to in 1988 if I've got the kid chaperoning me.

And, my son is sort of intrigued by the idea. I played a Slayer song for him and he said, "Sounds pretty good so far. Will they play that song?" "Angel of Death? Oh, you can count on it."

So! Looks like I'm going, but not alone.

Numberlock Sat 11-May-13 08:12:25

Please don't back down, OP.

Glittertwins Sat 11-May-13 08:12:43

I love rock music but not thrash/speed metal. I wouldn't pay £130 and suffer camping for a music festival full of bands playing it. A one hour set of Slayer in the middle of the favourite bands was more than enough for me.

Glittertwins Sat 11-May-13 08:14:10

Pressed post too soon. He won't enjoy it and it will bring a downer on your time if he goes with you. You will be fine on you own smile

seeker Sat 11-May-13 08:20:09

Excuse me? He is only going to be happy if you take your 9 year old with you and camp in the family area? shock

And you're really going to have a good time while you're making sure a 9 year old has a good time too, aren't you?

Don't do it. Go on your own. He is being controlling and ridiculous.

RooneyMara Sat 11-May-13 08:25:06

I kind of feel torn about this. It reminds me of being with a dear boyfriend many years ago, but still wanting to go to certain concerts etc by myself as I felt they were not something he understood, and were a part of me I needed to validate.

The thing is when you're young you feel like your life could go in any direction, and if you go to a gig and meet someone there who asks you to move into a flat in the big city, you'll want to take up the offer just to see what happens. When you're older you already have things in place and a direction to your life. And commitments.

So I guess if it is just a part of you that doesn't threaten what you have with dh then that's fine, but it sounds as though it's something that actively excludes him - that he doesn't validate that part of you, or understand it and in that sense might it be a threat?

It does sound a bit like you're having a sort of crisis, in that you are seeking to deny, in your mind, a little, that you're committed to a life that doesn't involve heavy metal gatherings, and play away for a few days.

I think I'd be a bit offended/threatened by that if I was your H tbh. I'd wonder if I/we were enough for you.

Maybe my thinking is a bit skewed on this though, I really have no idea.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

seeker Sat 11-May-13 08:37:26

I am ridiculously cross about this "I'm fine about you going to a festival, so long as you take a child with you, so you can't enjoy yourself"

How dare he!

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

rambososcar Sat 11-May-13 08:47:05

Give him this face hmm .
Then give him a "Oooh, I get it, good joke" eyeroll.
Then laugh at him.
Then book your solo ticket.
Then just go.
Enjoy. smile

seeker Sat 11-May-13 08:48:39

See- I find it really hard to understand this.

Surely it goes something like "There's a festival I'd like to go to on the 25th [this conversation taking place a reasonably long time before the 25th]- you haven't got anything booked have you? Great, I'll put it on the calendar"

And I am incredibly old. It's so depressing if younger women have to ask permission!

Numberlock Sat 11-May-13 08:54:44

You're right as always seeker.

My ex husband was always supportive of my weekends away and still is 11 years post-divorce. As am I of his and as it should be.

rambososcar Sat 11-May-13 08:57:17

It's depressing that either sex, young or older, should have to ask permission, seeker.

It's notable that the guy on MN recently who wanted to take 2 days out of a holiday to experience a once in a lifetime football trip to Wembley got a completely different response to the OP! wink He was asked how he could possibly put his own interests before spending time with his family!

Worriedmumofan8yearoldgirl Sat 11-May-13 08:57:27

I was about to post about download and camp loner but see someone got there before me! I'm also going along with the loners this year!!

I know they go to other festivals like sonisphere and know two loners who definitely go to bloodstock so may be worth investigating

seeker Sat 11-May-13 09:03:22

There is a significant difference between taking 2 days out of a week long family holiday, incurring significant extra expense and the OP's situation.

But yes, I would be saying the same about the OP if the roles were reversed.

KatyTheCleaningLady Sat 11-May-13 09:03:30

I think Roonamara has hit upon it. I used to live in San Francisco back when these thrash bands were in their heyday, and while I didn't sleep with anyone who is actually performing at the festival, I could have, had the lineup been different. I wasn't a groupie or anything, but I was single and in that scene and I had a lot of fun.

And, yeah, this is my "thing" and I will be having a bit of a middle aged nostalgia trip and he's not really a part of that.

I'm not interested in sleeping with some longhaired guy or anything, but I will be sort of escaping into some kind of nostalgia.

I thought that kind of music is silly, but I do love the brutal intensity of it, and will totally be head banging and making that stupid \m/ thing with my fist and I don't think it would be fun to have my husband there.

My son, on the other hand, might actually enjoy it. I am told that this is a very friendly festival, kids are welcome and can play with other kids, and nobody is going to mess with them. A bunch of people on the Bloodstock forum assure me that they take kids his age and they have fun. I don't want to see every band (none of that Dungeons and Dragons guys with opera voices for me, thanks) so he and I will do stuff besides the music. And, it's only for two days.

I would still rather go alone, but if taking a kid makes my husband happy, and my son continues to want to go, I will.

seeker Sat 11-May-13 09:04:28

"I would still rather go alone, but if taking a kid makes my husband happy, and my son continues to want to go, I will."


LemonPeculiarJones Sat 11-May-13 09:06:09

OP......this isn't great, you know.

Sad how the tone of this thread has changed from celebrating independence within relationships to, well, your husband informing you that you don't have his permission to go alone sad

KatyTheCleaningLady Sat 11-May-13 09:10:18

I did tell my husband that I would look for other mums who are going. If I were either with other families or other mums (even if they don't bring kids) , I think he would be happier.

I will say that of course I can go if I want to. He even said "I don't want to be a wanker about this" but I would rather he were actually happy with the situation.

NumTumDeDum Sat 11-May-13 09:12:43

My dd (4) loves thrash metal although her preference is Megadeth not Slayer. I can't wait for her to be old enough to go to a festival with myself and dp (fellow thrash fan lucky me). Me and dp went to sonisphere at knebworth and there were loads of families and a separate camping area for them. The area was big enough that you could stand far enough away from the moshpit and there was generally a very friendly vibe. The issues surrounding permission aside your son would probably love it and that would be brilliant being able to have that memory together.

In relation to dp, I'm a bit hmn about what he's saying. Would he have the same reaction if you wanted to go to London and see a play? Probably not. He either trusts you or he doesn't.

seeker Sat 11-May-13 09:14:47

Of course you'd rather he was happy.

But why should you spoil it for yourself to keep him happy?

I once stated a thread about women being "emotion-keepers". Oh, how I was flamed! But that's what you're being. You're compromising your perfectly reasonable plan to humour his perfectly unreasonable concerns.

KatyTheCleaningLady Sat 11-May-13 09:17:00

Yeah, if I were going to a knitting gathering/festival, he'd be fine with it.

This is him knowing I'll be drinking in an atmosphere that he assumes will be full of drugs and satanists, having a weekend of nostalgic escapism.

NumTumDeDum Sat 11-May-13 09:17:43

And sometimes you have to just do these things so that you can say, - see, everything was fine. Do what you want to do, if that is going by yourself then do it. I missed out on loads of things when I was married to exh because he wasn't happy about this or that. He couldn't stop me going, i stopped myself. Wish I hadn't.

RooneyMara Sat 11-May-13 09:44:36

'I thought that kind of music is silly, but I do love the brutal intensity of it, and will totally be head banging and making that stupid \m/ thing with my fist and I don't think it would be fun to have my husband there. '

I don't think it would be fun to have my husband there. That kind of says it all. He is feeling rejected. I think that's why he considers it a threat. He's not welcome.

I'm not having a go at you. I understand how you feel but it rings a couple of warning bells for me....firstly do you consider this a greater part of your 'self' than him? If so that needs looking at I think.

Secondly do you really want to be with your H, if he can't relate to this part of you?

Only asking as in my case, all those years ago, I did love my boyfriend but this part of me was something I didn't think he could ever understand - and the amount that it mattered to me, to experience it on my own, fully, including wanting to take any offers I might get in terms of 'living' in that set up (and I did get invited to share a cab by the lead singer, and declined as I knew I wasn't free to, and resented that) was an indication of how much more important to me being able to fully express myself was than my relationship with this poor lovely bloke who just didn't understand my maudlin side.

He was interested in other people, too, as time went by and we broke up. Maybe this is far from your life/motivations but it is interesting to explore the idea of fidelity vs 'self expression' etc

(at risk of sounding like a huge wanker) grin

NicholasTeakozy Sat 11-May-13 09:52:51

Voivod are playing on the Friday! Other than them, Slayer are the only other band on the line up I really want to see, so £130 for two bands is too steep for me. sad

KatyTheCleaningLady Sat 11-May-13 10:27:51

Roonamara I'm not going to leave my husband, the father of our children, over thrash metal. Lol.

But, yeah, this is my thing, and I don't think he'd enjoy it.

My son is keen. We've been watching the bands on YouTube and he likes the same ones I do. He likes the growly vocals and thinks the melodic stuff is stupid. "Oooh, unicorns and dragons... Lame! I like that other guy who sings like a monster."

We watched something called The Social History of the Mosh Pit and professed disappointment when I said that he couldn't go anywhere near that, but I think he was actually relieved. [w

I do think we'll have fun together.

Bunraku Sat 11-May-13 12:15:51

I don't mean to sound cruel but from what I've seen the experience of festivals for people with kids in their party is a little restricted due to younger kids getting tired if standing/toilet/food/weather as well as the other things like being close enough to the front to actually see anything...(private head banging and shameless singing!!!) and also despite their best wishes there are always mosh pits/walls of death/ circle pits/unpredictable people be it drugs, drink or general douchebaggery, crowd surfers/ flying bottles etc and these can all get nasty. you have the most fun when everyone you bring can look after themselves so you can spend more time enjoying and less time worrying and watching a little person. Also most couples I see there end up falling out. And having my husband there would seriously make me feel self conscious of how I sang/danced and things.

KatyTheCleaningLady Sat 11-May-13 12:16:42

Nicholas I saw VoiVod back in 1989 or so. I had a terrible flu and I wasn't able to enjoy it, although I do remember they sounded good. I had to leave early.

I would like to see them but it's really unlikely that I can go before Saturday. As it is, I will be leaving as early as possible in the morning so that I can have the tent pitched by noon. It's sort of tempting to go Friday night, but I probably can't leave before tea time so I'd show up in time to see King Diamond and that would be utterly pointless. Given a choice between King Diamond punching me in the face or singing to me, I'd choose the punch.

KatyTheCleaningLady Sat 11-May-13 23:04:39

Well, it seems that taking our oldest son doesn't actually make my husband feel better about this. He's just not happy with the whole idea. Honestly, it sounds like he just doesn't like the idea of me going off and doing something that doesn't include him. He wouldn't care if it were knitting, although he would still maybe grumble a bit about me "disappearing" on the weekend. I do NOT go away somewhere every weekend, but he doesn't like it when I do. I think it's something to do with feeling like I am escaping (which I am) and he feels rejected. I'm not escaping him - I just want to go away and do my own thing. I'm probably escaping the kids more than anything. I have always enjoyed being alone and doing things on my own.

When I stay home on a Saturday, he sits and watches reruns of Lovejoy all day and dozes in a chair. He likes to sit at home and relax. If I make an effort, I can get us to all go do something as a family outside the house, but it's a hassle and he doesn't much like it. It's stressful for him to deal with the kids I think. It is for me, too, which is probably why I like to escape sometimes.

I would encourage him to go do something, himself, but he won't. He'll say he can't afford it (implying that I can't afford it, either) or will just sit in the chair and not actually do anything.

Honestly, weekends for me usually mean running around dealing with bored, hungry kids becoming resentful while he dozes in his chair and makes little hints about wanting something to eat. That's probably why I like to escape when I can. My most common escape is to grab one kid and take him with me for a day of running errands, thereby reducing his burden by 1/3 and giving that one kid some one-on-one attention.

My husband almost never does this for me. In fact, I will take all three kids somewhere (not fun, but I will do it) and he absolutely refuses. For six years when we were living in Scotland, I drove down here to his parent's house with all the kids at every school holiday (half terms and a couple of times during the summer). He'd be left at home alone for a few days and I would have all kids with me. I once begged him to return the favour - I thought lazing around an empty quiet house sounded like heaven - and he flatly refused. He said he can't handle driving all three boys in the car for a long journey. Even taking one child out somewhere - even some trivial thing like going to B&Q for something - he doesn't really want to do. He says he can't cope.

Anyway, I don't know if I should just say "Fuck it, I'm going" or if I should be less selfish and not go running off to a festival and stay at home. Because I will feel like a guilty bitch if I go. It doesn't help that a lot of friends honestly seem to think that I'm taking the piss to even consider doing it.

LemonPeculiarJones Sat 11-May-13 23:10:46

Sounds like he's the selfish one OP.

rambososcar Sat 11-May-13 23:14:35

1. Say fuck it and GO, woman!
2. Start seeking out more supportive, understanding, less biased-towards-old-fashioned-double-standards friends and dump the ones who think you're taking the piss.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PervyMuskrat Sat 11-May-13 23:18:41

I came on this thread to say "Yay" to a fellow Slayer fan and to debate the merits of the various festivals, but your last post has put a different slant on things.

You're not taking the piss to go to a festival and be yourself for a bit. My DH actively encourages me to go to gigs he can't be arsed to go to and I always find someone to talk to.

I've had a beer too many to fully articulate tonight but I'm on team "Fuck it, I'm going"

How would he react if you wanted to do something on your own but it was something he "approved" of ?

PervyMuskrat Sat 11-May-13 23:20:40

Sorry, re-read your last post and you said he'd be grumpy. That doesn't seem fair sad

PoppyWearer Sat 11-May-13 23:20:45

Say "fuck it" and go.

MegBusset Sat 11-May-13 23:23:32

YABU at all. I am pretty much over going to festivals now but I go to loads of gigs by myself as DH doesn't like crowds (or half of the bands I like), if I said I wanted to go to a festival he wouldn't bat an eyelid, nor would I if he said he wanted to go off to watch snooker or go walking or something for a weekend. We do not have 100% overlapping interests and we don't feel the need to live in each other's pockets.

This sounds like a bigger issue though. Why on earth shouldn't he take his kids out, or look after them for the weekend - they're his as much as they are yours.

cece Sat 11-May-13 23:32:15

I have a weekend away booked for July. Can't wait.

I did mention it to DH before it was booked but tbh I didn't ask his permission.

KatyTheCleaningLady Sat 11-May-13 23:38:11

I will probably go. Maybe my problem is expecting him to be happy about it.

KatyTheCleaningLady Sat 11-May-13 23:38:48

But I may tell him if he's determined to be unhappy about it, I won't bother taking the kid (unless said kid is deeply disappointed at this change).

McGeeDiNozzo Sun 12-May-13 04:49:51

I've been to two festivals alone because I was on the bill at both of them at short notice. The first time, I talked to no-one and hated it. The second time, I found some people I could be matey with, and it was better.

ravenAK Sun 12-May-13 05:47:12

Say 'fuck it' and GO, woman!

I went to DV8 in York on my own a couple of years ago. It's a goth festival, & dh's band were playing the opening night.

I fancied making a weekend of it, dh wasn't particularly bothered, & both of us attending all weekend would have meant sorting childcare - so I booked a single room & had a great weekend.

I don't think kids at festivals is at all a bad thing (we're doing Saturday at Download this year, taking at least the eldest if not all three), but it sounds like you need to assert yourself a little - enjoy your festival, child-free. It'll be good for dh to have to man up a bit back at the ranch.

NicholasTeakozy Sun 12-May-13 10:30:40

Bloody hell! Get tickets booked for you and DS1 and tell your H he can just suck it up.

seeker Sun 12-May-13 10:48:58

Go alone. That's what you want to do. Do it.

Numberlock Sun 12-May-13 11:14:06

... and when you get back, tackle the rest of his crap behaviour.

Dilidali Sun 12-May-13 11:15:03

Hehe... Woke up this morning with this mad heap of unruly hair next to my face saying: mummy, where can I do crowd surfing? Lol.
I would absolutely go, a chance to wear my 'god hates us all' t-shirt, hihi, mind, we both love this kind of stuff, but what would be even more exciting is taking my DD! So yes, do go, taking son would be a bonus smile.
Go, go, go!

Numberlock Sun 12-May-13 11:28:11

That's not the point though is it, she wants some child-free time which her husband is doing his best to prevent.

KatyTheCleaningLady Sun 12-May-13 14:30:22

Well, he sent me a text saying "Have fun and don't catch Anthrax." (har har!) So, I've worn him down.

Still not decided on taking DS or not. I kinda don't want to because I'd like to drink irresponsibly. (Not really. I just mean drinking more than one should if responsible for a child.)

Glittertwins Sun 12-May-13 16:29:26

I would not take a child with you. Let your hair down and enjoy it without wondering if he is okay/bored/tired/need the loo!!

Numberlock Sun 12-May-13 22:49:08

You wouldn't even be considering taking a child if he'd not put the idea in your head.

KatyTheCleaningLady Sun 12-May-13 23:08:34


Unfortunately, I've already asked the kid if he would be interested. So, he might be unhappy at a change in plans, although I could probably buy him off with a promise of a camping/fishing trip another weekend.


And Slayer are awesome live, just make sure you are well away from the pits, the last time I seen them I ended up in A+E and the whole A+E was full of people from the gig!

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