to be really upset about this?

(42 Posts)
Manyofhorror3 Thu 09-May-13 09:57:10

DH commutes and works long hours but can occasionally work from a satellite office a few hundred yards away. When he's effectively 'working from home' it means he can get up later and come home earlier. We have 3 preschool children and I really need a hand sometimes. Also if he's not in the Cityhe can do the nursery run which is really helpful as then I don't have to drag the other two children with me.
We haven't been getting on lately - he says I put his needs last after everyone else (ie the kids and my elderly parents) but I thought it would blow over.

Anyway I usually ring him in the morning but there was no reply in his direct line. I said last night that I'd tried to speak to him and he just said he had lots of meetings. And when he comes in, he normally says hi and then goes and takes his suit off. Last night he came in but shot straight upstairs without my seeing him and then came down in his jeans.

My mum mentioned this morning that she had seen his car parked outside his satellite office, so I asked him whether he had gone into work and he had admitted he hadn't. angry I said that there might be troubles in our marriage but deceit hasn't been one of them and he said he was sorry but it was because he felt badly treated.

We're going to have a talk later but I'm really upset and angry that he lied!

mrsjay Thu 09-May-13 10:00:39

He maybe has problems that he doesn't want to lumber you with having 3 little children is stressful and perhaps he is feeling pushed out but instead of supporting you he is winging and hiding it away building up resentment , talk to him about how you need support as well as him you are a family and ATM the children need you more, good luck with you talk later, try and not be angry about it dont stew about it today as it will turn into a huge arguement later on

CrapBag Thu 09-May-13 10:00:45

His needs, FFS he is a grown man who can take responsibility for himself. Why are his needs your responsibility? And feeling badly treated? How is he treating you? You don't seem to be getting much from him at all in the way of help.

YANBU, he is being an arse and acting like a bloody child, wanting his wife to run around and look after his needs. Idiot!

CrapBag Thu 09-May-13 10:01:50

Why would his car have been parked there if he wasn't there? Where was he when his car was there? Seems slightly odd

ImTooHecsyForYourParty Thu 09-May-13 10:02:01

I think when you have this talk, it should be calmly and with both of you giving the other time to speak and really listen to what the other is saying, not dismiss it and not jump in to counter it.

Perhaps before you actually exchange feelings, you should set out the rules of the conversation. Otherwise, I can see it turning into a massive row and accusations thrown about and a contest about who's got it worse!

Whereas if you can both stay calm and listen to each other, you might be able to really sort this out.

Hope it goes well.

CajaDeLaMemoria Thu 09-May-13 10:02:40

I can see why you are upset, but try to use this as a platform to move forward.

Your husband clearly doesn't see this as a small issue that will blow over: how long has he been saying he feels like his needs come last?

He shouldn't have lied, and it's good that he apologised. It's difficult to say any more than that, really: clearly he could have helped with your children and done the nursery run, but if he was actually working (regardless of the fact that he normally helps) it seems bizarre to be angry. I think the bigger issue is that whether he could help or not, he didn't tell you where he could be.

He must be very unhappy to have felt that, so I hope your talk can sort things out.

Is there anything you can do to make him feel like he doesn't come last? To have more time together and fix things? Outside help with your parents, or childcare for the children at some point, or a date night?

Manyofhorror3 Thu 09-May-13 10:03:41

He's admitted he didn't go into London, he just used the satellite office which means he could have gone in later and come home earlier if he'd wanted, and helped me, but instead he just fucked off for some peace I think.

GirlWiththeLionHeart Thu 09-May-13 10:03:41

Yabu to expect him to do childcare when he is working. Even if he is working from home, it's still working.

Hwbu to lie to you.

TwinkleTits Thu 09-May-13 10:05:11

In what way did he feel 'badly treated'?

megandraper Thu 09-May-13 10:06:18

I think he's selfish and being a child. We have 3 DCs, eldest started school this year. DH does equal share of child stuff all the time that he is at home. Of course it's hard work, for both of us, but pulling together makes it better.

Well said CrapBag
Couldn't have put it better myself!

Manyofhorror3 Thu 09-May-13 10:08:34

We've got into a cycle of a pissing contest about who has the harder time of it. It's very hard to get out if that because I think he's bloody clueless about how stressful it is. I gave up my career and although I love my children to death, I feel like I'm not allowed to say that some days it can be stunningly mundane, because this is what I said I wanted. sad
The children are too young and too close together for me to contemplate going back to work, even if I could find something that fitted around pickups etc and the child are would be very expensive so I'm a SAHM and he's the cityboy.
We need a really good talk.sad

mrsjay Thu 09-May-13 10:10:31

I think it is easy to get into that pissing contest (sorry that made me [smile) hes working how can he possibley be stressed , he thinks least she can be home all day blah blah and on it goes .

Manyofhorror3 Thu 09-May-13 10:11:37

He says he needs to be more appreciated as he works for his money whereas I don't. (I had a big accident a few years ago which has meant that I have an income from the money I got - I invested it.)

sparechange Thu 09-May-13 10:13:14

OP, did he actually lie to you, or did he just not tell you that he was intending to work from the satellite office and do his normal 'city office' daily routine?

Does he do his share of childcare and housework at weekends or in the evenings?

mrsjay Thu 09-May-13 10:13:15

he is being an arse who else does he think is going to look after HIS children ooo I am joining in the contest, tell him he is more than welcome to swap and you could get a job, he sounds like he is being arsey, nobody forced him to impregnate you with 3 under school age children wink

ImTooHecsyForYourParty Thu 09-May-13 10:13:58

WHOA! He has to be more appreciated than you because he earns the money? As in he is more important than you?

or he wants the fact that he brings in the money to be more appreciated than it is at the moment because he doesn't feel he's appreciated at all but not saying that his contribution to the family is of more value than yours?

ImTooHecsyForYourParty Thu 09-May-13 10:14:28

I just want clarification before I go nuclear wink

megandraper Thu 09-May-13 10:16:09

^He says he needs to be more appreciated as he works for his money whereas I don't. (I had a big accident a few years ago which has meant that I have an income from the money I got - I invested it.)^

I see that as a big red flag, OP, sorry. That is a pathetic, mean-minded thing to say. What's this 'his money' anyway? You're a family aren't you?

Machli Thu 09-May-13 10:16:35

Sorry but I think he sounds like a big demanding, entitled baby.

And that comment about working for his money, what a twat! angry

As another poster said, he's a grown man who can take responsibility for himself.

Anyone who looks at his wife struggling with HIS three small children and responsibilities to her elderly parents and whines about HIS needs is a selfish, entitled arsehole.

schobe Thu 09-May-13 10:18:32

Oh god, this sounds like it has all the hallmarks of a man child about to have a tantrum.

Yes being at home with the kids is what you wanted but that doesn't make it easy. I'm sure he wanted a great career in the city, but it's still stressful and hard work. You are supposed to be a team with long term goals, which included having a family.

I don't think you're asking him to do childcare - just watch the kids while you pop to nursery or pop to nursery himself BEFORE he leaves for work. You both need to get up, shower and get ready, there's no difference there.

As for the money you got as compensation - what has that got to do with how hard you work? That's extra family money that surely he should be happy about having. Not to mention a tiny acknowledgement of what you went through in the accident.

schobe Thu 09-May-13 10:21:04

Lol at hecsy. Yes, I feel it brewing!

megandraper Thu 09-May-13 10:26:08

I am sure my DH would love to have more attention and 'appreciation', so would I, but neither of us would dream of tantrumming about it, or even asking for it, because we both know that there is absolutely no spare capacity for it at the moment!

We do talk wistfully about a future in which we will laze about in bed until 7am, or manage to have a family meal that's not interrupted by someone defecating, or even just say a few words to each other in the morning or when DH comes in from work that aren't bellowed over a load of wails and shouts.

Do you and your DH have any nice times together? Ours is the hour or two after the DCs are in bed - all we do is watch TV or read, really, but it's peaceful and we can chat a bit and feel connected.

curryeater Thu 09-May-13 10:26:17

"he says I put his needs last after everyone else (ie the kids and my elderly parents)"

And what about yours, OP? Where do yours come in the list?

He sounds like an almighty twat.

Yanbu.
He shouldn't be point scoring, he shouldn't value your contribution less because you don't get paid for it you enable him to make the money by looking after the children. If he only values jobs that pay, perhaps he should start paying you what a child minder would cost.
The lie was wrong and selfish. he had the opportunity to be part of the family and muck in but swanned off instead. And he says it's you that doesn't support him? He had the opportunity to support you and didn't want it. I'm sure that if you had the chance to be more supportive you would, but with 3DC and parents, they are priority right now

nokidshere Thu 09-May-13 10:36:52

It doesn't sound to me like he is anything other than unhappy and not dealing with it very well. You can't just brush off his feelings because he is male. And the fact that you say that you know things haven't been good but did nothing about it because it might "blow over" shows that you have got into a rut as far as communication is concerned.

Whilst that is understandable with young children in the home it will escalate into more serious problems if you both don't talk about the way you are feeling. There is nothing wrong with wanting to be sahm and then finding its not what you expected. There is nothing wrong with him feeling that you don't have a life as a couple anymore. All these feelings are valid and need some serious communication to sort out - with you both actually listening to what the other one is saying.

Only you know if you can change your lives to a more rewarding one that suits you both - but that wont happen unless you set aside some time for each other to talk.

Potteresque97 Thu 09-May-13 10:40:27

Yanbu. His money? Funny if it wasn't sad its so offensive. That said, is he having a really bad time at work? If he really needs a break, maybe he should go away for a few days with the understanding that he does it for you next time.

VinegarTits Thu 09-May-13 10:44:29

You say he commutes and works long hours? maybe he just wanted a working day that was a little bit less pressure on him to do other stuff as well as go to work, he sounds very stressed tbh.

I dont see why taking the other children on the nursery run is such a big deal? sure while he is at home he should be expected to help (teatimes, bathtimes etc) but it sounds like trying to work and having to help out is stressing him out, you need to talk calmly with him about how he feels

VinegarTits Thu 09-May-13 10:48:00

I actually dont think he sounds like a twat, i think there are two sides to every story and some of the comments are very harsh

is he a twat op? only you can answer

badguider Thu 09-May-13 10:48:05

I think you need to stop point-scoring and being confrontational. ANYBODY can feel they need to be 'more appreciated' it doesn't mean more than the other person, it means more than is currently happening.

Clearly he's been feeling shit for a while and tried to talk to you and you thought that because you had a worse end of the shitty stick (in your opinion) you wouldn't give him any sympathy.

You BOTH need to talk and you BOTH need something to change in your lives because NEITHER of you are happy - there isn't a fixed amount of happiness in a marriage, if he gets more you don't have to get less and vice versa.
Sit down and be honest, you BOTH feel shitty just now, it doesn't matter if you think he has it easier and he thinks you do, that's not the point, who has it "easier" is totally subjective and you won't find agreement.

The point is you both want change so plan together for it with a really open mind (don't discount you earning something and don't discount him taking time off.... start with a completely open mind).

He earns the money does he? Very well, work out how much childcare for your three would be for the hours he's out of the house. And don't forget to include charges for any of the extra housework you do. How much a laundry service is per load, take aways or ready meals every night, a cleaner for however many hours a week. I think he'll find he's getting a bargain.

He might very well be feeling under appreciated, but putting your contribution down isn't the right way to go about making changes.

Please look above at badguider's post for a more constructive comment. blush

Is this man basically moaning that his dick isn't getting sucked enough? It's quite often men's belief that they are entitled to sex on the woman they live with, and even if he's done sod all housework and paid her little or not attention all week, if she comes upstairs and he's got his cock out, she's supposed to react with hysterical joy and enthusiasm, otherwise she's 'neglecting' him and being a 'boring bitch' or various other nasty comments.

maddening Thu 09-May-13 11:12:49

You need to appreciate each other more. I think you feel as unappreciated as he does.

Also try and make more of him working close rather than just the nursery run. When he works at the satellite office does he pop home for lunch? Could you and dc meet him with a picnic at lunchtime? Find little ways to reconnect as a family.

He is more than the earner/nursery run and help when he gets home early. You are more than the childcare and housework. He is your dh and someone you love and the father of your dc. You are his dw and someone he loves and the mother of his dc. Don't compete with who does more and is worth more - you are both more than that.

A bit of rejigging to ensure you have together time, own time and working as a team is the only way imo.

maddening Thu 09-May-13 11:15:22

Sgb- where do you get the his requesting felatio?

Crinkle77 Thu 09-May-13 11:19:46

What about your needs? So should they come after his?

CMOTDibbler Thu 09-May-13 11:24:06

Whatever has been said or done, you both need to find time to talk calmly about your lives (not those of the children or relatives), how you are feeling, and what the two of you as a couple are going to do about it.

If you have worked yourselves into the pissing contest cycle, this is a really bad place to be, and you are both going to get more and more antagonistic about it unless you both take a very deep breath and deal with it.

What nokidshere said.

You are both unhappy and feeling under appreciated. I really relate to the pissing contest - dh and I used to do this too but it's got easier as they got older.

It's all too easy to neglect your relationship when the kids are small and to feel you just don't have time but I actually think it's really important to make time for each other even if it's not the same or as often. Dh and I used to have carpet picnics when the boys were in bed and just chat and have sex. it's too easy to forget to make an effort and just sit in front of the Telly not chatting when you're tired.

It might feel like you have no energy to make the effort but I think if you make time to chat and more importantly really listen to each other you'll be able to work through this.

Blu Thu 09-May-13 11:45:37

You really need a hand sometimes, and some affirmation for what you do, and acknowledgement of what you gave up, maybe he really needs some suport sometimes because it can feel lonely being the breadwinner, with a heightened sense of responsibility, and maybe little affirmation for that role, or for the giving a hand.

The answer to this is talking about teamwork, what you both contribute to the running of the family. He needs to understand that once you are a family team with split roles there can be no hierarchy between financial contribution to the household and in-kind contributions to the household.

It may be that in the end YANBU, but you won't know that until you have had some discussions where you both look at your own needs, and even more importantly, each other's needs. Some space to listen to each other and acknowledge how hard it is for the whole family to have 3 school age kids. It puts huge pressure on everyone.

Good luck, OP.

NomadicSneer Thu 09-May-13 11:48:06

curryeater Thu 09-May-13 10:26:17

"he says I put his needs last after everyone else (ie the kids and my elderly parents)"

And what about yours, OP? Where do yours come in the list?

He sounds like an almighty twat.

Nothing like a good bit of judgementalism!! How do we know how the DH feels ? God it's horrible, this sitch. Hugs all round.

Zalen Thu 09-May-13 12:14:20

Reading your OP I'm just wondering if he did actually lie to you or did he just not tell you he was going to the local office instead of the city office. When you said you'd tried to call him did he know that was on the land-line at the city office or does he have a mobile, might he have thought you had tried on that number?

You say that he helps out when he's working locally, do you ask him if he can do the nursery run etc on those days, or when he tells you that he is working locally is your response more along the lines of "Oh good, you can do the nursery run then."

I don't know anything about being a sahm, it's not something I ever considered, but I can see how he could be feeling put upon if he's feeling all the responsibility of being the only wage earner and every time he has a chance for a slightly more relaxed morning he instead has to pitch in with the nursery run etc.

I'm not saying he should never help, just that he shouldn't always be expected to help.

When he does help does he get a 'thank you'? My husband is of the opinion that please and thank you should be unnecessary between husband and wife as obviously he's going to do something if I ask and obviously if I do something he appreciates it. It can be an easy habit to fall into when run ragged with 3 under school age children but can easily cause a simmering resentment.

newbiefrugalgal Thu 09-May-13 12:22:34

Can you get a weekend away just the two of you to both get time out and try and work this out.

My partner and I were similiar (not night away but both resentful of the other!) to you and he went off and had an affair. Not saying that will happen here but you do need to get some things resolved.

Jinty64 Thu 09-May-13 20:37:42

I work full time and dh is a sahd. The one thing that really stresses me out in the morning is having to drop ds3 (6) off. It doesn't happen for school now as his Dad takes him to the gate but at holiday club dh likes me to take him on my way to work.

The holiday club doesn't open until 8am and I start at 8am so I start the day 10 mins late. I know it means dh doesn't have to get showered and dressed first thing but it ruins my day.

You need to talk and find out exactly why he feels so unappreciated.

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