to ask how do you do it?

(295 Posts)
catgirl1976 Wed 08-May-13 06:59:55

DS wakes at 5am - 5:30am every day.

Then I have to go to work all day, then come home, feed him, play with him, bath him, put him to bed, tidy the house, do laundry, finish off some work, eat, get ready for work, maintain some semblance of a beauty regmine (and mean finding time to wash my hair or shave my legs, nothing intricate) and try to have some quality time with DH.

DS is amazing. He's worth every 5am start, but I am so tired today and have a busy day ahead. I do get a lie in on Sundays but it feels so far away today!

How do you cope with it? Any top tips?

Coffee is my good friend, but I'm considering swapping sweeteners for speed.

NoWayPedro Wed 08-May-13 07:05:17

I'll be back at work in a couple of months so I'm interested. Think we're going to need a rota of tasks 50/50.

Sounds tough either way though.

Limelight Wed 08-May-13 07:07:52

Well. You sort of stop noticing. And eventually they don't wake up so early and if they do, you can tell them to go and watch cartoons.

That's probably not quite the answer you were looking for confused

Mutley77 Wed 08-May-13 07:09:13

I don't think there is any other answer - until your DS gets a bit older and will wake later / be more independent giving you some more downtime.....

I have a 4 and 8 year old and this was my life in their earlier years (except I didn't work F/T so tried to leave the laundry for days off, and I also roped in DH during the mornings to try and fit in a very very poor semblance of a beauty regime at that point as was too tired to do it in the evening!)..... I am now having DC3 and am not looking forward to the element of workload that comes with a little one - although I love my children very much and don't want to wish away the early days.

It sounds like your DH could possibly do a bit more - I try and instigate one of us doing the evening jobs while the other does bedtime (although tricky with more children as they each need individual time at bedtime). Does your DH cook the dinner? Is he available in the mornings to help for 45 mins so you can wash your hair?

Also your mornings are early, how old is your DS? We had a 5am riser and tbh it stayed that way until he was 3 and would obey the groclock but that is totally exhausting so I feel for you.

emsyj Wed 08-May-13 07:09:46

When I first returned to work, DD1 woke at that time every day - so I just tried to do as much as I could (laundry, dishwasher loading, tidying kitchen etc) in the morning and felt exhausted the whole time (working 4 days not 5 though).

The only answer really is that they don't wake that early for ever in my experience. Hopefully he'll start waking later for you soon.

Also, could you get a cleaner?

Mutley77 Wed 08-May-13 07:10:01

x post limelight wine

Pootles2010 Wed 08-May-13 07:10:37

Agree you get used to it. I don't do all of your listed jobs - nursery feed him, so I just give him crumpets or something before bed. Baths don't need to be every night- twice weekly is fine. And I have yeti legs grin

Are you single mum btw? If not, why aren't you sharing the load?

Sorry, but I agree with Limelight.
Go to bed earlier, have a lunchtime nap, epilate your legs so it's longer between "shaves".
My DCs are 9 and 11, still get up at 6ish, but are now old enough to sort themselves out in the morning.

catgirl1976 Wed 08-May-13 07:11:36

DH does cook and he gets up about 7:30 and looks after DS whilst I get ready for work. He takes me to work and then either takes DS to nursery or looks after him. Then picks me up.

I can just about fit in time to wash my hair some mornings, but not straighten it smile

I'm sure it wont be for long.........I'm just pooped this morning

GoblinGranny Wed 08-May-13 07:13:25

Making sure my partner did an equal share.
Power naps.
Laundry at the weekends.
Basic level of housekeeping, no dusting of skirting boards and polishing.

BooCanary Wed 08-May-13 07:13:37

Does your DH do half of what is needed.
Tbh if it was me, if DH was around I would be leaving DS upstairs with DH. Go and do any housework first thing,all done before work. Then I would spend evenings relaxing, long bath, bit of telly, early night.
Divide and rule re. The bedtime routine - one of you does dinner, one does DS bedtime/bath. Quick clear up after dinner and then hopefully feet up!

Fizzography Wed 08-May-13 07:13:46

F

catgirl1976 Wed 08-May-13 07:14:03

DS is 17 months

I do have a cleaner who does 2 hours on a Tuesday.......but by Wednesday pm the place is wrecked as DH and DS are at home all day

(Apparently it is 'not possible' to care for a toddler and tidy up after yourself) hmm

Tortoiseontheeggshell Wed 08-May-13 07:15:33

You get up at 5am every day and your DH gets up at 7.30am? And DH works part time but you do the laundry and the cleaning?

What?

BooCanary Wed 08-May-13 07:16:35

I wash hair the night before, quick straighten in the morning. Not a chance I could get it all done in morning as I leave the house at 7.30.

NoelHeadbands Wed 08-May-13 07:16:43

I don't think there is a magic wand thing, I never found it anyway- you just have to ride it out for a while.

If its any consolation mine are 14, 12 and 5 and those broken nights/ early mornings are a long distant memory

Tortoiseontheeggshell Wed 08-May-13 07:16:52

My DD2 is 17 months, and I absolutely can't care for her and tidy up on my two days at home - she is super whiny and clingy and hates me not being in physical contact with her. But she naps, so I clean the house then.

grobagsforever Wed 08-May-13 07:17:37

Catgirl from what I remember of your posts your DH is unemployed? So he should be doing all.the housework and early starts! Why does he get up at 7.30 and you at 5.30? Come on, you know the answers here! Big hug to you. It sucks being tired.

ohforfoxsake Wed 08-May-13 07:17:50

If you are up at 5 you can get the laundry done, house tidy (presumably its empty all day so should stay that way) and yourself sorted by 7. Get a slow-cooker meal on, eat earlier in the evenings, go to bed at 10.

You just have to flip your day and use the two hours at the start to do the stuff you have to do.

Euphemia Wed 08-May-13 07:18:49

but by Wednesday pm the place is wrecked

Not on! DH is not pulling his weight. He needs to be up a lot earlier than 7.30, or at least let you lie in until that time some days.

ohforfoxsake Wed 08-May-13 07:19:13

Oh crossed posts - I see they are at home all day.

Tell your DH to step up. WTF?

dogrosie Wed 08-May-13 07:19:23

We are all up at 5.45, when DH leaves the house. It's easier now DCs are older (hence MNing while eating breakfast - multitasking!)

However, when they were little, I farmed out the ironing to a very kind relative who was at home (would have gone to a professional if she had not been around), ate a lot of soup (no prep, and if you have fancy bread in the freezer to eat with it, it feels a bit more luxurious, also eating this helps pay for sending the ironing out)

DH got in around 6.30pm so he did the putting to bed etc. for a bit of time with them, whilst I sorted out kitchen. We both had jobs that involved working in the evening, so that was our 'quality time', a glass of wine, share the kitchen table, put some nice music on and do the work. Also, go to bed early and together if possible.

It does get easier. I do have fleecy legs though.

Mutley77 Wed 08-May-13 07:21:13

Yes agree with everyone else - your DH needs to take his turn with the mornings. Also he needs to tidy behind himself and do the laundry. I agree a cleaner doesn't solve all the housework issues (but it is definitely better than not having one!!)

dogrosie Wed 08-May-13 07:21:28

Hang on - X post, he's at home all day? You need to drop your standards and he needs to up his so that you can both find a balance. Also, he can do the laundry and make dinner.

fairylightsinthespring Wed 08-May-13 07:23:29

does your DH work once he's dropped you off? On the days he is looking after DS, can he run the hoover round, load the dishwasher etc? My DS, at 3.7 still sometimes gets up at 5-5.30 and it does knock you for six after a few days on the trot. he's rarely up after 6.30 anyway but just that extra 45 mins makes a big difference. I very, very quickly do my legs in the shower on the morning I take DD swimming and about once every two weeks get in the bath at 7pm when they've gone to bed while dinner is cooking (or being cooking by DH) and do them properly. With summer coming up, could you get a wax maybe? Hair wash every 2 days, plonk DS in front of Cbeebies and try to do it before DD is up (she wakes much later, 7-8). For food, can you make stuff at the weekend that can just be reheated? Nothing wrong with crumpets or toast for tea for your little one if its a couple of times a week. Mine have fishfingers etc on the days when there's not much time but their new CM gives them tea now and it is MUCH nicer to just have to do bath and PJs and milk when we get through the door at 6.30. Quality time with DH is about 2hrs per night, unless one of us has marking to do, but I will quite often be ironing in front of whatever TV we are watching (Sorry, I iron, apparently on MN you're not supposed to). Sometimes we do just surrender to it and go to bed at 9pm which curtails our evening but makes it bearable. It has got easier as they've got a little older and I am assuming that will continue. (she said, desperately clutching at straws!)

ninjasquirrel Wed 08-May-13 07:23:58

You prioritise sleep. When DS was waking at 5 for about 9 months, one of us would do the first hour, then swap and go back to bed for an hour. And sod 'quality time' - early nights all the way. It sounds crazy to me that your DH is getting so much more sleep than you.

catgirl1976 Wed 08-May-13 07:24:43

He is at home all day

3 days a week on his own, 2 days a week with DS

He does cook most nights

llamallama Wed 08-May-13 07:24:58

My DD is 19 months and both me and my DH work full time.

She gets up at 6am, DH leaves 6.30am. That first half hour is just cuddles and books in bed while DH gets ready and goes. Then I have 45 minutes with DD to get up and out. I serve her breakfast and quickly load dishwasher and put a load of laundry in (put laundry on delay timer so it finishes as I come in from work) that's the extent of house stuff in morning.

6pm we are all home. So it's play for 30 mins. DH does bath. I empty washing machine and do a quick 20 minute tidy. Then it's milk and night garden for DD. she is in bed by 7.15. DH cooks dinner. I sit down. After dinner I do a quick kitchen tidy and that's it! I shower before bed.

Cleaners once a week for 3 hours. My daily routine is quite polished now and it's enough to get things ticking over till cleaners come. No one is home during the day though so less mess creation time. Your DH needs to step up it seems!

catgirl1976 Wed 08-May-13 07:25:37

I go to bed about 12pm which is way too late but otherwise I dont seem to get any downtime. I dont sit down to eat till half nine / ten most nights

Tortoiseontheeggshell Wed 08-May-13 07:26:37

He is at home without his son three days a week, and he has a cleaner? And you do the early mornings?

Fuck me, some men don't know they're born.

Katnisscupcake Wed 08-May-13 07:27:26

I second the groclock. Gave DD one from about 2 years old (or just a little older) so 17 months is a bit young. But definitely get one in a few months. You set it so that a lovely star on the screen changes to a sun at whatever time you set and they are allowed to get out of bed when the sun is up. Helps with the change between light/dark mornings aswell!

Until then, I have no idea because I had a 5.30am riser aswell... Sorry..

ninjasquirrel Wed 08-May-13 07:27:45

What would happen if you told your DH he should do half the early mornings?

catgirl1976 Wed 08-May-13 07:28:28

Groclock sounds good smile

Am counting down till he's old enough! grin

Tortoiseontheeggshell Wed 08-May-13 07:28:48

Catgirl, honestly, do you not see how ridiculous that is? Your partner is a SAHD, with three days of fulltime childcare AND a cleaner, and you're the one doing the bulk of the housework as well as working fulltime.

I am utterly gobsmacked. You do realise that a SAHM who posted here saying that she had a cleaner, three days a week of childcare and her breadwinner husband did most of the housework would get fucking crucified, yes?

GoodtoBetter Wed 08-May-13 07:29:02

So, your DH is at home all day (3 days without DS) and you´re doig most of the housework????? That is why you are knackered my love. Your DH is being a lazy git, honestly.

dogrosie Wed 08-May-13 07:29:14

catgirl, this is meant kindly, but what time does DS go to bed and what do you do after that? It's craziness for you to be in bed that late with an early start.

Can you eat with your child when you get home and take the time after DS is in bed as 'adult time', your downtime, and still be in bed by 10pm?

Euphemia Wed 08-May-13 07:29:50

Your DH is at home three days by himself, you have a cleaner and you're run ragged?! Your DH is taking the piss, big time.

catgirl1976 Wed 08-May-13 07:30:22

I know tortoise

I have been told to LTB a lot on here. But I don't want that

Things have improved from where they were, so I am working on it

CouthySaysEatChoccyEggs Wed 08-May-13 07:30:50

If he got up at 6.30 instead of 7.30, you could use that time to wash your hair and shave your legs. Why is your day an hour and a half longer than his? Surely if he got up earlier like you do, you would have more free time then to get stuff done.

Alibabaandthe40nappies Wed 08-May-13 07:31:17

Catgirl - your DH is a lazy twat. 3 days at home alone doing nothing? He should be doing the early mornings, all the housework and laundry.

But you know this, because that is what people have said before. I am really sad to see that things are still the same and that he is taking you for a mug.

catgirl1976 Wed 08-May-13 07:32:04

DS goes to bed at 7:30 dogrosie

Then I do some work for an hour or two

Then a bit of housework . laundry. Get stuff ready for work

Then eat about half nine to ten, Then watch a film or something with DH

karinmaria Wed 08-May-13 07:34:35

It does sound like your DH needs to do more! If he is at home he can do house stuff like clean when your DS naps and should at least be doing the early starts on the days he is home.

You're being superwoman at the moment - my DS is only 5 weeks old and I couldn't imagine keeping up your schedule and would probably kill my DH in his sleep if he didn't help out (bear in mind he's now returned to work and I'm at home with bub all day and still he is like the cleaning robot from Where's Wall-E on his days off!).

ohforfoxsake Wed 08-May-13 07:34:47

You need to eat earlier, and go to bed
earlier.

Is your DH dicking about on MN all day?

Whitewineformeplease Wed 08-May-13 07:35:11

Are you being serious? Your DH is at home all day, three of those days your DS is at nursery, and you have to do the cleaning and the laundry? What does he do on the days he is off? Can he really not stick a load in the washer, tidy up a bit, cook dinner? Does he see how stressed you are?

catgirl1976 Wed 08-May-13 07:35:39

Ummm...no...he dicks about on on-line games

I dick about on MN grin

Tortoiseontheeggshell Wed 08-May-13 07:36:04

This is an improvement?

Right, well. Presumably he's shit hot in bed then, because I can't imagine living with a man who thinks that your basic needs for sleep and rest are so unimportant that he is willing to treat you this way. Who has such utter contempt for the concept of you as a equal human being that he lazes around on his arse all day and then watches his wife stagger up at 5am every morning ready for another seventeen hour workday.

CouthySaysEatChoccyEggs Wed 08-May-13 07:38:52

Ok, he cooks most nights. But he is an adult, he is quite capable of doing things like hoovering, stacking the dishwasher etc while he is at home with your DS.

If it was 'impossible' to get housework done when at home alone with a toddler, my house would look like a cesspit. And it doesn't well, not all the time...

I am a Lone Parent. My toddler has hyperactivity and probable autism. I also have 3 older DC's. Two of them have SN's. I manage to fit in hoovering, washing up, clothes washing, and keeping the toys tidy-ish with him around.

I also have to fit in the toddler's Physio, speech therapy AND play therapy in the 5 hours I have outside of school run times.

Your DH needs to pull his socks up and start acting like a bloody grown up!

It's NOT you. It's him, and his lack of effort, that is leaving you feeling exhausted. He needs to do his fair share.

And if, like me, he can't get it all done with a toddler about, then he needs to do what I do, and stay up later to make sure that all the jobs are done!

catgirl1976 Wed 08-May-13 07:39:26

He's getting up now so I will have to go and get ready for work

Yaaaaaaaaaaawwwwwwwwwwwn sad

quesadilla Wed 08-May-13 07:39:38

Welcome to my world. There's no magic formula. Liking your job helps, but it won't stop you feeling permanently Knackered. It's just a case of taking it a day at a time and not feeling guilty about snatching down time when you can.

Whitewineformeplease Wed 08-May-13 07:40:16

Catgirl you asked how we do it. We do it because we don't have a partner who takes the piss and doesn't give a shit about anyone else. If you've been told to LTB on here before, then I'm not really sure what you're looking for here. I'm certainly not going to help you come up with strategies to continue to do everything, while setting a really bad example for your DS regarding who does what in a relationship, while your DP has a free ride.

SorrelForbes Wed 08-May-13 07:40:32

He is a lazy twat who is taking the piss. But you know that. Please, please, insist on change. He should be the one getting up early and doing all the housework including the laundry.

tethersend Wed 08-May-13 07:41:36

You need to stop doing stuff.

Things will get really bad, but then he'll notice and either start pulling his weight or moaning about the state of the place.

If he does the latter, then LTBing is looking like a good plan grin

christinarossetti Wed 08-May-13 07:41:42

Side-stepping any judgement on your relationship, it doesn't make sense to me that there's still cooking, laundry and anything but the most superficial basic tidying left to do by the time you get home, given that there is an adult at home during the day.

I also don't understand why with two adults in the house, one of whom has time to rest during the day, it's the one who works full-time who gets up early 6 days out of 7.

If your main issue is tiredness, the very least that needs to happen is that you take it in turns to get up with ds, or your dh does on each day that you're at work.

Exhaustipated Wed 08-May-13 07:41:47

Cooking most nights is absolutely not pulling his weight IMO.

I'm not sure if I'm supposed to mention this but I saw a previous thread of yours about your DH and I have to say I think at least half of your problem is that he doesn't pull his weight.

The rest is the exhausting life of having a toddler, which I really empathise with. Early mornings should get better as he gets older though.

BUT your DH should be doing his share of early monings and housework in the evenings - then you could get more sleep!

Also I don't think it is impossible to do basic housework whilst looking after one child - most people have to! The laundry would be an absolute minimum.

Pulling his weight means doing the same number of working hours as you (paid or unpaid) - is he anywhere close to this?

catgirl1976 Wed 08-May-13 07:41:54

I take my hat off to lone parents. DH might not do much but I don't know how people do it on their own. Even if he's rubbish round the house, he's great with DS which does take of some pressure. Am slightly in awe of people like couthy

I can't even contemplate having more than 1 DC, let alone more than 1 and doing it solo.

CouthySaysEatChoccyEggs Wed 08-May-13 07:43:26

I will also add that I am disabled too.

I'm actually getting quite angry on your behalf.

Your DH doesn't seem to give a crap that his laziness is leaving you exhausted. That's quite twattish behaviour.

meglet Wed 08-May-13 07:46:06

Quite simply, I don't do that! My XP didn't pull his weight so I got rid of him.

Now, I'm not one for being able to do all the housework with small people under my feet but even I can manage some dishwasher loading, general tidy up and laundry. The thorough tidying + deep cleaning should be done as a team.

Your DH is taking the piss.

Exhaustipated Wed 08-May-13 07:47:54

X posts... I am staggered that, with your DS in nursery all day 3 days a week, he does no housework. And that you put up with it!

shock

BornInACrossFireHurricane Wed 08-May-13 07:48:23

Bloody hell catgirl- you are going to run yourself into the ground. Honestly, your DH is completely taking the piss. With having 3 days at home child free the absolute bulk of cleaning should be done. Instead he leaves you to struggle?

christinarossetti Wed 08-May-13 07:48:37

The other way to tackle tiredness would be to go to bed earlier. Yes, it means that you don't get any down-time, but that could be easily remedied if your dh got up earlier.

StuntGirl Wed 08-May-13 07:48:41

catgirl, you're not going to like the answer here but your husband needs to do more. Way more.

He can't clean with a toddler? Ok, I understand that. He has 3 days without a toddler to distract him. He needs to be cleaning more then.

You need to at the very least alternate these early mornings, or he needs to be doing the bulk of them. On the mornings you're up early you could perhaps chuck a load of laundry in, or fold some washing that had been left out to dry. Other than that just get yourself ready.

In the evening I assume you wash up and clean down the kitchen since he cooks, but you should not be doing the rest of that list.

Your husband is taking the piss and you are letting him. But then you know that.

CouthySaysEatChoccyEggs Wed 08-May-13 07:49:23

Thing is, catgirl, it's not 'awe inspiring'. I never planned to have 4 DC's on my own, it's just ended up that way.

Partly because I don't put up with the lazy behaviour you are talking about!

The way I've found it is that actually, without my Ex here, I'm doing exactly the sane amount of work as I was before, actually, less, because I don't have another adult to pick up after!

I do what has to be done. If I can do it because I have to, then so can your DH. He is just CHOOSING not to. Which is out of order IMO. He's leaving all this work to you, whilst creating extra work by not even doing the basics whilst he is at home and you are out at work.

If he wasn't there, your DS would be at Nursery while you work - and the house would be staying TIDY!

He needs to pull his weight before the resentment starts pissing you off to the point where it destroys your relationship.

Was he like this before you had your DS?

meglet Wed 08-May-13 07:51:37

Oh goodness, if he's at home 3 days on his own he can do the bulk of everything then.

CouthySaysEatChoccyEggs Wed 08-May-13 07:51:40

WHAAAAAT?! Your DS is at Nursery 3 days a week whilst your DH is at home. WTF is he doing, contemplating his fucking navel?!

That is the height of bloody laziness on his behalf.

angry

scottishmummy Wed 08-May-13 07:52:35

my god stop being such a doormat.your dh is walking all over you.youre martyr mum
you skelp about full pace,and he's not contributing same input
I see you're aware but not ready to challenge this discrepancy.so you're left to suck it up.until you and he change

Itsaboatjack Wed 08-May-13 07:52:56

At the very least you need to start taking it in turns who gets up in the morning. If you start getting an extra hour or two in bed every other day you'll start to feel better. Then start working on redistributing the housework more evenly.

FoundAChopinLizt Wed 08-May-13 07:54:06

You can't carry on like this.

At risk of stating the obvious, if you want things to change, you have to change things. Not all at once, but gradually.

Start by going to bed earlier, tell your dh you're too exhausted to stay up. If he wants your company in the evening he can do some of the jobs you are doing when you get in.

Next switch to eating your evening meal earlier, your health is important, you wouldn't feed your dd three hours late after making her tidy her room. Be nice to yourself, especially if your dh is not.

To repeat, start by going to bed early tonight.

purrpurr Wed 08-May-13 07:57:26

Catgirl, it sounds like your relationship with your DH isn't really on the table for discussion here, so I wanted to ask what your life looks like from a zoomed out perspective. The daily toil, incredibly long days, they sound SO tough, but what does your calendar for the month look like? Do you have any leisure activities at all built in for you? Any personal time? Any socialising - even if it's just a coffee and a slab of something calorific with a mate on a Saturday? Essentially, do you have any silver linings planned to keep you sane, and if not, could you? Then at least life will be marginally more fun, even though you'll still be shattered.

If I were in your DHs shoes, there's no way in hell I could leave my DH to run himself ragged while I played games, because I love and respect him. Your DH is taking the royal piss. He has 3 days off, to himself and does next to nothing. He could get the house clean and tidy, do all the laundry, and bulk cook meals for the week in that time, and still have hours and hours to piss about. That would leave you time in the evenings for looking after yourself, watching a film and eating together, and getting to bed earlier. He's putting his own wants over your needs. sad

Exhaustipated Wed 08-May-13 08:00:03

I think maybe (from this thread and previous) you see your DH's behaviour as useless, but not in an utterly replusive way? You don't usually seem that angry.

But I don't think what he's doing is merely incompetent. I think it's absolutely horrible and completely disrespectful sad

scottishmummy Wed 08-May-13 08:00:25

op you facilitate you h being a lazy shit by cooing what a great dad he is
you're ignoring his complete lack of input which massively suits him but kills you
you have two babies.the adult baby who'll never grow up.and your wee baby

mezza123 Wed 08-May-13 08:06:43

I've only briefly had early starts with 2.5 DS - I would recommend blackouts and possibly reducing his nap length, as recommended by the lady we're not allowed to mention on MN. been great for me!
Re the useless DH - would u consider a breakdown, or at least floods of tears one evening? I find letting DH know I can't cope is often helpful wink

OrWellyAnn Wed 08-May-13 08:10:18

Your DH should be getting up with your child, not you. The rest you can thrash out over time, but that should be sorted, today!

scottishmummy Wed 08-May-13 08:10:35

no,you don't need to revert to stereotypical female crying,breakdown to make point
this doesn't require dramatic display emotion.it requires a calm allocation of tasks
you both need to change ideas,he's lazy,but you don't seem minded to address it

ThereGoesTheYear Wed 08-May-13 08:14:22

LTB

jellyandcake Wed 08-May-13 08:14:36

I've also read your threads before and they make me very sad. My sister has a similar attitude to you and it's very frustrating to see someone work themselves into the ground for no reason. What I wonder is - does your dh know how unhappy and tired you are? How would he react if instead of the quality time, you said that as you're exhausted and will be up at 5 you need an early night? If the fundamentals of your household arrangements aren't going to change, that's the only thing I can see that would marginally improve your life. The only other suggestion I have is to change/increase the cleaner's hours? But really, truly, honestly - does your husband actually understand what your life is like (I don't see how he couldn't but maybe he needs it spelling out calmly and factually) - and does he just not care? I'm very lazy about housework but I could never watch my husband struggle as you are struggling.

Figgygal Wed 08-May-13 08:17:58

Sorry I still don't understand why u r eating so late and going bed so late there doesn't seem to be a reason for it other than habit that is not a healthy lifestyle for any of you.

Why can't dh if he is cooking anyway not have it ready for when you get home at least on the days where he isn't with DS??

scottishmummy Wed 08-May-13 08:19:41

does your h work?3day solo for h when baby in nursery,2day with baby?
is your h working or studying?whats he doing during day

MortifiedAdams Wed 08-May-13 08:26:24

he should be up at 5.30 every morning not you.

My dd is 17mo.and we have discovered that if she wakes at 5am, we can take her in a bottle of milk.and leave it with her and go back to bed grin drinking it usually sends her back to sleep. Could you try that one morning, nothing to lose! For us, it means she then wakes at 8am.

MortifiedAdams Wed 08-May-13 08:28:35

Also, does he work from home.on those three days your ds is at a nursery? If not, why the fuck are you paying nursery fees when there is a parent free all day to have him?

HandMini Wed 08-May-13 08:33:29

Catgirl - please please change this situation, before you are I'll from exhaustion and even more importantly so you don't set such a ghastly precedent for your children. From a v young age, children pick up on what the dynamic is in their household - do you want your DS to grow up believing women do ALL the housework and men can't manage to stick on a wash while entertaining a toddler? It takes FIVE FUCKING MINUTES. Sorry, I'm just so angry on your behalf.

Want to do something right now? Write down a list of three jobs per day that DH has to do (ie whites wash, change beds, cook a casserole). Just do it. Your house will be sorted in a week.

maddening Wed 08-May-13 08:38:01

Both get up at 5.30 and tag team to do housework, have showers, get dc ready, and have breaky so by time to leave everything is done? Then it's just dinner and cursory tidy up in the evening?

Also all eat dinner together with dc- one meal prep and tidy plus it's better for your digestion.

maddening Wed 08-May-13 08:40:39

Sorry saw your dh is home all day - is he working from home? What does he do?

StuntGirl Wed 08-May-13 08:42:05

It's really not about how you manage your time, or even about how other parents manage their time, it's about how your husband manages his time.

Not very bloody well by the sounds of it.

And why should he when mummy will come home and magically sort it all out anyway?

GoodtoBetter Wed 08-May-13 08:43:47

He's a lazy nob of the highest order, but you are letting him be one. Why on earth is he in bed til 730? Why sn't he doing all the housework??? He's got 3 days a week free to do it and the days he's got DS he's got a cleaner too? Stop being a mug. Tell him to pull his weight and if he won't then you are a FOOL to stay and run yourself ragged for someone whose online gaming is more important than you. even you think the games are more important as you enable him to treat you like this.
Quite frankly I am stunned that someone would live like this and see it as acceptable.

GoodtoBetter Wed 08-May-13 08:45:39

You say this is an improvement????? shock what the fuck was he like before???
<staggered>
There is no time managing for you to do here, your DH needs to step up to the fucking plate. What a tosser.

emmyloo2 Wed 08-May-13 08:51:50

Echo what others are saying. We have a 2.5 year old who wakes at that time every morning and at least once during the night. It's exhausting. We both work FT and I honestly sometimes think it's all too hard. But we both get up when DSA gets up (5.30am). We then have coffee, put a load of washing on, unpack the dishwasher. I then go to the gym for a work-out while DH gives DS breakfast. He then goes to work if DM or DMIL arrive to look after DS. Two days, DS goes to daycare so DH waits for me to get home and I or he then take DS to daycare. I rush and get ready for work (30-40minutes max) and leave the house around 8.45am. If I am doing the day care drop off I don't get to work until around 9.15am. Home by 6pm at the latest. Usually DH is later, depending on how busy he is. More chores and playing with DS. Attempt to throw very simple dinner together. Bath DS, milk with stories and he is in bed by 7.45-8pm. We then have dinner and I head to bed at 9pm at the latest. We have very very little downtime. That is a downside of both working full-time. It's just something I have come to accept as a consequence of working full-time. Weekends are spent cooking for the week and trying to spend lots of time with DS.

My DH does 50% of chores and household and DS, absolutely. We are also lucky because we have my DM and DMIL who help around the house (ironing, washing etc). But neither of us really get any time to relax and it is hard. Particularly because I am 38 weeks pregnant. The only thing that keeps me going is I have a wonderful marriage and am married to a wonderful man and I know it will get easier when the children get older and I will have maintained a career I love. We are definitely not having more than 2 children though. I really want to get past the baby and toddler stage so I can get more sleep!

ivanapoo Wed 08-May-13 08:55:00

Your DH being a lazy cocklodger aside, I think Figgygal makes a good point... Your evening is round the wrong way.

Eat dinner much earlier - as soon as DS is asleep. Quick 15 min tidy up (both you and DH) afterwards.

Then do your hour's work.

Stop watching tv, or just watch one half hour episode of box set. Have a bath and go to bed by 10.30.

Save laundry for a weekend morning.

Use dry shampoo to get an extra day out of your hairstyle.

Not sure what getting ready for work each evening involves but can you spend 2 hours on a Sunday while your H has your DC getting it all ready for the whole week?

MrsOakenshield Wed 08-May-13 09:02:09

why are you eating so late? Whoever isn't doing DS's bedtime can get the dinner ready so you can eat as soon as he's down - it is very bad for you to eat that late, and completely unnecessary. Why are you watching films on a work night? Watch an hour of a box set or something, but a film is crazy. Go to bed 10 at the latest - that gives you a couple of hours after dinner to do things. You are up at 5, so you can get stuff done then - why do you need to get ready for work the night before when you have so much time to get ready in the morning? And how long does that take, anyway - putting out some clean clothes - 2 minutes.

Other than that, of course, the elephant in the room is you H (no D for him, I'm afraid). He is being unutterably lazy and disprespectful, and no amount of 'he's really good with DS' will change that - he is shite with wife, and you count too, you know. And right now, you are enabling him. Every post I've read of your shrieks of this, but you don't want to hear it, which is very sad. You are being ground down by this and the worst thing is - this is the example that is being shown to your DS. Have you thought about him growing up, seeing how his dad treats his mum and thinking that it's right? That's how a relationship between adults is?

I hope you can get this sorted - you can, if you really want to. Maybe go over to relationships, where you will get some fantatastic advice and support.

grumpyinthemorning Wed 08-May-13 09:06:19

Bare minimum of housework, just enough to keep it decent. And get your dh to do his fair share, it's his home too.

As for beauty regime, I'd only bother shaving legs if you're wearing a skirt and/or sheer tights. Otherwise nobody can see them, so what's the point? Hair, cut it to a bob maybe? I did it and never looked back. Five minutes to wash, and if it's sunny don't bother blow drying.

Cravingdairy Wed 08-May-13 09:07:26

We all eat together at 615 ish. If I ate after mine was in bed I would starve! Then neither of us sit down until ours has been settled (long job!) and basic housework has been done. We each get a lie in at the weekends. Ours doesn't usually wake that early but won't sleep till gone 9pm so we have some of the same issues. Just cooking at night would not count as an equal contribution to housework for us because we deliberately eat easy food in the evening - meat and two veg, pasta, hummus and pitta, a variety of mince based concoctions from the freezer,omelettes etc.

CheerfulYank Wed 08-May-13 09:16:44

I remember your other threads Catgirl. I wondered how you were doing.

I took the piss as a SAHM for awhile. DH pulled me up on it. It wasn't fair, he was right.

You should start by telling DH he needs to get up with DS on the three days DS goes to nursery. If he's tired he can nap later.

grumpyinthemorning Wed 08-May-13 09:21:42

Just read the rest of the thread, bloody hell. I know my dp can be lazy (although is better lately) but this really is ridiculous. Leave the damn housework. You and dc have clean clothes? You're both fed and washed? You have space to sit down and a plate too eat off, a mug for your tea? Then hang the rest, your H can do it. If he doesn't like it, tough. You are not superwoman, doing everything is only going to make you ill. I won't say LTB, sometimes these things can be worked out, but you need to put your foot down.

sooperdooper Wed 08-May-13 09:24:21

Ffs, this is crazy, you H is acting like a child, he needs to get up in the mornings, do the house work on the 3 days he has at home sat on his arse, and have dinner ready for when you come home, what in gods name does he actually do all day???

sooperdooper Wed 08-May-13 09:26:00

Oh, and also on the days he doesn't have your Ds he batch cooks so therefore only has to defrost/reheat some dinner, it's not rocket science it's good use of time and planning

I'm angry I'm your behalf sad

Pilgit Wed 08-May-13 09:28:21

Your DH is massively taking the piss. From what I have gathered from this thread, he doesn't work, only does two days childcare and you do the bulk of everything else. What precisely is he bringing to this partnership? He must be amazing in the sack for you to put up with being treated with such a massive amount of disrespect. If it were me I'd stop doing anything for him and if things didn't improve inside 2 months he would be out on his ear as this behaviour would kill any love I had left for him.

To answer the question directly. You're the one working, your DH should be getting up at 530 with DC. You need sleep or you will not function properly in the work place and your family cannot afford to lose your salary. Get to bed earlier, eat earlier and lower your housework standards.

thecakeisalie Wed 08-May-13 09:30:40

I have to agree with the general opinion on here that he simply is not pulling his weight and if your starting to feel this exhausted things really need to change. I personally wouldn't go in all guns blazing but its something I would suggest talking to your dh about when your calm and explain how difficult your finding things with the early starts and cleaning.

In our relationship I take on all the housework, most of the cooking and the majority of the childcare in our house because after years with my dh I realised he is who he is and he isn't going to change. Before having kids we've had so many rows over cleaning but I realised the mess bothers me far more than it will ever bother him. Having said that being SAHM and him being the bread winner means I take responsibly anyway. He works damn hard and so after much soul searching I've found a way to live with it without building up huge amount of resentment. Even with him working we share the early mornings, the night wakings, the childcare when he's not working and so on. Its still a two ways street and I make sure I'm not so exhausted I can't function.

You really need to ask yourself what you can live with and what is pushing you too far. I found my limit and our household is much calmer as a result. DOn't try and change everything at once but decide what your priorities are, I personally couldn't handle the early mornings everyday so that's what I would work on first.

NotWilliamBoyd Wed 08-May-13 09:35:18

Sorry OP, I'm afraid that you won't like what I'm going to say: -

How can you bear to live with someone who shows you no respect?

You say that you want to stay with him and the fact that he is good with your DS makes up for quite a lot - how would you feel in 20 years' time seeing your DS treat a partner in the way you are treated now? Is this really a good relationship model, do you think? Where one person does practically everything and is exhausted, struggling to keep going and the other is so obviously just selfishly taking the piss?

Sorry. sad sad sad sad sad for you.

More and more on mumsnet I am thankful for a DH who more than pulls his weight and am determined my sons will grow up to take responsibility in their relationships.
sad

ohforfoxsake Wed 08-May-13 09:39:32

Catgirl - I was a lone parent with DC1 and remember the early morning starts. I'd have everything done and in the park at 8am.

Even now with 4 DCs, DH often works 6-7 days a week, often away and away every weekend. He does not expect anything, but he gets his dinner on the table and has clean pants in his drawer. He doesn't ask me to do much and I don't ask much of him because we know what needs to be done and get on with it. When he does get home he sorts the kids, I clean up. Whenever we can we eat together. I stopped doing a different meal for us a long time ago. We dont have the perfect marriage by any means but we do get on with what needs to be done.

As you DC gets older you will have to factor homework, activities, clubs, pick ups, you won't get home before 9pm some night if he does cubs. Are you still going to be having the same problems then?

It is not difficult. It is hard work. If he needs a list, give him a list. Expect to be treated fairly and with respect.

ohforfoxsake Wed 08-May-13 09:40:23

Hobnob makes an excellent point. What are you teaching your DC in how relationships?

sparkle101 Wed 08-May-13 09:41:00

You will burn yourself out. If you don't have enough sleep and don't eat at reasonable times your body will let you down.

I am 26 weeks pg with dc2 me and dh work full time, three days a week I get up before 5. Dh and I work out who cooks dinner, cleans up etc and I'm normally in bed by 8. It's just the way it has to be. Our proper together time is on the weekend. We both spend our days off keeping on top of stuff.

He needs to support you better. It is not fair on you.

inlawsareasses Wed 08-May-13 09:46:03

You've probably got it harder than a single mum! A single mum doesn't have an idle man child to look after and doesn't have to pay for unnecessary nursery fees!
Sorry to be harsh but why ask how people do it when you aren't willing to change your situation?
What purpose does your man child have? He cooks! Dear me!

Thurlow Wed 08-May-13 09:50:43

Wow. If he has 3 days at home without DC then he HAS to start doing more housework. Is he working the other days?

I don't want to sound smug (though I know I might) but DP and I both work f/t and juggle the childcare around us and neither of us end up staying that late to do housework. Because we both pull our weight. Obviously as the DC get older it is easier to do housework with them as they find it fun, but even when they are younger you can get stuff done when they are around - do the washing up while they are eating next to you in their high chair, for example.

Your DH has to do more. Even an hour a day to sling in the laundry and run the hoover or duster around keeps on top of everything.

I don't often say this because I believe everyone's relationship is their own, but I'm not entirely seeing what you are getting out of having a DH around here. It sounds like you are doing everything yourself. Let alone not sharing the 5am wake ups when you are working!

ohforfoxsake Wed 08-May-13 09:50:46

... In how relationships work ... Is what I meant!

yonithebrave Wed 08-May-13 09:53:27

Surely, if you asked him to get up with DS on the days he was at nursery, there is absolutely no come back from that? And a cleaner?!?!?

I've got a manchild as well, which is hard because it takes the kiddy count to 4, but really?

I would have gone fucking supernova by now- that is just sooooooo not on.

catgirl

You know the answer. Come on now.

I get you're not ready to LTB, but why tiptoe around asking him to do more than he's doing? Cheerful is right, at the very least he should be getting up at 5.30 on the days DS is at nursery.

Why not push him to do this? What are you afraid he'll do? He's not going to leave.

You have already been ill because of this. Things need to drastically change.

Thurlow Wed 08-May-13 10:09:24

Ok, and a more productive note that my last comment, here's how we manage the days to get things done and get some time off.

Luckily DD gets up after 7 so I get up before her, have a shower and warm her milk. If she's up, though, she sits and drinks her milk in the bathroom while I shower. Childproofing the bathroom has been a huge time saver, she can play while we get ready. I drop her off at childcare at 8 and DP picks her up at 4. He goes to the shop on the way home, gets in and maybe does a tiny bit of housework with her. She has dinner in the highchair while he washes up and tidies the kitchen from last night's dinner. I get in about 6.30 and do bath time and bedtime while he starts dinner. She's in bed before 8 so as DP is finishing the dinner I get mine and DD's clothes ready for the next day and make lunch boxes. Not long after 8 we have dinner. Sometimes there's odd bits of housework to do but not much, maybe 30 mins at the most. We spend time together until 10, 10.30 when we go to bed.

If anyone is in the house on their own they run the hoover around and steam the floors. Bathroom gets done sometimes while DD is in the bath (as in, I clean the toilet/sink etc) and other times when we are both in. Beds and laundry generally get done at the weekend as I find them easy to do with DD around, she thinks they are a great game.

We try and batch cook for DD's food, so for her lunches I just need to defrost something overnight. Don't really iron as I buy easy mix-and-match dresses and cardis for my work, and I buy DD cheap clothes (lets face it, they grow so quick and get them dirty anyway) so there's enough to easily get through a week for all of us.

I do get confused when people seem to have two hours of housework a day to do though, so I'm probably a slattern and don't do enough blush

Surely there's not much your DH needs to do if you have a cleaner? At the very, very least, if you are getting up at 5am - and I understand you might want to for time with your DS - then he needs to do any jobs you'd do in the evening, so you can eat at 8, watch a film and still be in bed by 11 at the latest.

Otherwise everyone else is right and you will just completely burn out.

auntmargaret Wed 08-May-13 10:21:21

I've read a few of OP's threads, and they are always exactly the same. She is running herself ragged, burning the candle at both ends, and her "D"H does next to nothing. And to top it all off, she pays for it all, and for nursery, for him to do absolutely sweet FA 3 days a week. In every thread she emphasises how much she loves her DS as if that means she shouldn't complain at having to parent on her own, as well as appease the Manchild (dinner at 10 pm? Then "quality time"? WTAF?) Go to bed, woman! In the kindest possible way, you remind me of the nice, normal girl that the most popular boy in school chose to be his girlfriend. And you couldn't believe your luck, so you put up with all sorts of shit, just to keep him. But it's 20 years on, and you're still doing it. And again, in the kindest possible way, you need to grow up, cos your son needs at least one parent. And at the moment, the behaviour being modelled in your home is not something to emulate.

Oh catgirl why are you putting up with this?

Like PP said...he won't leave, just at least tell him on the 3 days DS is at nursery, he must do the early start.

TBH you will make yourself ill, really ill, possibly have a breakdown, and then where the fuck would your Ds be with that sorry arsed excuse for a human taking care of his every need?

You have a cleaner in Tuesday, and the place is trashed by Wednesday?? When he's been at home all day? I'd throw the fucking computer games in the bin and him

Sorry to be harsh love.

Thurlow Wed 08-May-13 10:29:57

I'd be tempted to stop doing anything for your DH. Do yours and your DS's laundry. Don't even go in to the room he uses for his PC/gaming, if he has one. Say you'd like dinner at 8, and if dinner isn't even started by then, make your own just for you.

He is doing nothing for you; don't do anything for him.

I know this probably isn't what you wanted from this thread but auntmargaret is right, you're just enabling him to continue to be a child. But he's not a child. if he doesn't want to help you, don't help him. And if you are giving him any money (I don't know the full background, but I'm not sure where he is getting any of 'his' money from) then don't give him any.

SAHP's should in no way get a 'wage' for what they do, but for 99% of couples the understanding is that one parent works and one stays at home because they believe that is the best set up for them. So one parent does the bulk of the housework and childcare, and the other has a salary-paying job. Jobs v childcare/housework are almost impossible to really compare in terms of who is doing the most, but time off is the easiest way to work things out. If you don't both have equal time off, then something is seriously wrong.

jellyandcake Wed 08-May-13 10:43:53

Sorry if I've got this totally wrong, Catgirl, but have you previously mentioned that your dh is depressed? If so, do you both feel he isn't up to an equal share of housework, early starts etc? I was just wondering as I can see how it's easy to get into a slump and finding the motivation to change is very hard - however, from personal experience I think it's demoralising to achieve so little day after day. I personally feelmuch better both physically and mentally on a day when I've done something productive even if it's just cleaning the bathroom or hoovering the house. If I have a day or two where I sit around wasting time on the internet, putting tv on for ds and not actually achieving anything I feel more tired and low in general. If your dh is wasting day after day doing nothing, getting nowhere whilst you race around being superwoman I can see how he might sink into a bit of a vicious cycle. So you might be doing him a favour as much as yourself if you force him to start pulling his weight a bit more.

And to echo previous posters - it's easy to be a 'great dad' if what you mean that is having a good rapport and lots of fun with your toddler - especially if you don't spend any time on boring chores! - but there is more to great parenting than that; namely setting your child a good example of taking responsibility, contributing to family life and treating others with love and respect. Your dh is not doing that.

MexicanHouseThief Wed 08-May-13 10:49:55

Catgirl, this is the exact same thread you posted a few months ago. You are looking for an answer, any answer, that isn't "your H is a lazy, freeloading wankstain". The reason you keep posting the same thread is that there is no other answer.

Here are your options:

- make him behave like a caring human being/LTBJ

- change the way you live, e.g fuck off 'quality time', eat earlier, do less

- have a complete mental and physical breakdown.

MexicanHouseThief Wed 08-May-13 10:50:46

Sorry for random J, that should be LTB obviously.

GoodtoBetter Wed 08-May-13 10:56:16

MrsOakensheild she can't get ready for work in the morning at 5am I assume because she's got the DS under her feet as "D"H is lying in bed.

CheerfulYank Wed 08-May-13 11:01:16

Jelly is right, he will feel so much better once he starts accomplishing things.

When I wasn't doing much I just sort of drifted through the day aimlessly. It's no way to live, everyone needs structure. Get him on here and direct him to the FlyLady threads. He can change, I did! But he has to want to. And if he doesn't you either need to LTB or have a breakdown as Mexican says.

Did you want an only child? Or are you saying you can't imagine more just because you're doing abso-bloody everything? Is this the life you want?

Come on now, darlin! You're a lovely, intelligent woman. PULL HIM UP.

Exhaustipated Wed 08-May-13 11:01:33

Great post MexicanHouseThief

Exhaustipated Wed 08-May-13 11:04:01

I mean, it's very sad, but very accurate. 'Great' was perhaps not the right word.

numbum Wed 08-May-13 11:17:17

Does you DH know how utterly exhausted you are OP? If so, why doesn't he care? I don't know how anybody could live like that.

He's a lazy arse who needs telling. Maybe even make a rota for him so he knows he needs to do X, Y and Z during the days he's on his own in the house although he shouldn't need one some men are just like children

sunnywindysunday Wed 08-May-13 11:22:06

The op is on a wind-up. Nobody lives like this, esp when you're making your own money. How can you look at him and have respect?

You would be less tired if you were on your own - just you, your son and the cleaner. Sod his crap cooking, he needs to cook himself in empathy for his wife. Why do you women on mumsnet love men like this?! Be better parents and kick these wusses who are teaching your children nothing but contempt for their mother. Don't kid yourself. You can do bad all byself, you don't need company.

tourdefrance Wed 08-May-13 11:22:15

Leaving aside your DH's contribution, there are 3 things you can do immediately:
Stop getting up so early - my dc are often awake at 5.30 but stay in their room. I might check if dirty nappy but otherwise they can amuse themselves for up to an hour. Tell her its still night and take back to bed if necessary.
2. Put your dc to bed earlier - 7pm at latest.
3. Eat earlier -8pm a latest and go to bed earlier yourself, unless you are Maggie you can't survive on 5 hours sleep a night. I am tucked up in bed by 10 most nights.

Gooeyhead Wed 08-May-13 11:22:18

I work full time 24/7 shifts so does my DH, we have a very lively 11 month old DD too... I tell everyone who asks "how do you do it"..... red bull and chocolate!!! grin

Absy Wed 08-May-13 11:53:57

Nothing much to add apart from LTB.

You say he is great with DS, but is he? What kind of example is he setting - that you can spend your day arsing about online, not helping out and treating someone you're SUPPOSED to love and respect with none of either. He's not great with DS - he's being a TERRIBLE parent.

GoodtoBetter Wed 08-May-13 12:14:31

How do you know he's not arsing about online a lot when he's "looking after" DS on the days he has him?

catgirl1976 Wed 08-May-13 13:57:17

Ahhhhhh sorry, now I feel like Ive done 'Catgirls Monthly Rant about her Cocklodger DH' sad

Things have got a bit better since my last one.

Mind you, I had a breakdown and had 7 weeks off work, ended up on anti-ds and seeing a counsellor so they needed to.

DH now has DS 1 day a week instead of 2.
He now cooks dinner
He now doesn't drink 3 or 4 nights a week
He comes to bed earlier (it was 2am / 3am its now more like 12pm and at least twice a week he comes to bed at the same time as me.

Small steps but they are something. He went for a walk yesterday too which I was randomly really excited about (He is depressed - he never does stuff like that so it felt like a good step)

He has promised me he will go to his GP and take some action on his depression.

I will start having dinner earlier, I will start going to bed earlier and I will try putting DS to bed at 7pm (I just terrified he will then wake up at 4:30 instead of 5am.) I can't leave him in his room as he doesn't babble away to himself he howls and cries sad

I don't know that you should put DS to bed earlier, I think you are right and he might wake up earlier.

Your post is full of all the things you will do differently, what about your DH? Progress is great but it's not enough. When is he going to the GP? You are both dealing with depression now, how is it that you can get things sorted but he can't?

I don't know how you can live like this. He doesn't deserve how nice you patient you are being with him.

nice and patient

FoundAChopinLizt Wed 08-May-13 14:11:28

Catgirl

That sounds like a more positive attitude.

If you do all those things, you will feel better and have the mental clarity to make more changes.

Report back grin

So, his depression is his reason for his lameness, yet he still hasn't been to the GP to try and get better? Very handy.

Sorry catgirl I feel like I'm getting at you, but you seem so nice, and he ....doesn't smile

MrsOakenshield Wed 08-May-13 14:36:13

if you can get yourself fed and to bed earlier I think that will help immensely. I personally think 7.30 is OK for your DS's bedtime as long as you eat straight away. So, if nothing else, task your H with getting the dinner ready for then.

Might I suggest that you stop posting in AIBU and start posting in relationships, or even mental health - I think you would get a lot of support and advice over there, and perhaps fewer abrasive opinions from people like me. Your H is depressed. YOU have had a breakdown. Not things to be taken lightly.

catgirl1976 I had an early waker so I feel your pain. We had the thread running in Sleep for a long time. Now, at 2.4 DD wakes after 7am every day <crosses fingers> so the pressure is off a bit.

However, the real issue is your DH. If DH came home from work, played with, bathed and put DD to bed, I would be doing the tidying/laundry while he did. You DH sits at home all day (when DC is not in the house) then presumably sits around while you work, look after DC and do housework in the evening. He may be very depressed but drinking and doing nothing is the worst possible thing he can do for this. No excuses, he has to get to the GP.

BTW you know people hassle you because you are a lovely poster and they want you to be happy, right? That's why I'm on here ranting.

Dahlen Wed 08-May-13 15:44:48

I've obviously missed the history behind this, but what is it about your SH that makes you want to hold on to him so dearly? I can't see much of any merit. In your position I'd feel like I was having the piss taken out of me and my self-respect would disintegrate.

I don't mean that passive aggressively BTW. You obviously have strong reasons for wanting to stay together, I'd just like to know what they are. It might help me come up with some suggestions.

Catgirl, you sound so lovely. Ask DH to go to the GP, and write himself a schedule of things to do on a daily basis. Even if it's just 'Monday - ensure dishes loaded into dishwasher; Tuesday - put a load of washing on etc'

That's the only thing I can imagine right now, because what with your breakdown (and I'm sure you had pneumonia early this year as well) I would have had a screaming fit by now and thrown him out.

Dahlen Wed 08-May-13 15:48:45

SH? DH obviously. blush

Dahlen I thought that was on purpose. Shit Husband, maybe?

Pilgit Wed 08-May-13 15:59:14

the depression angle; I can totally get that - I am bi-polar and when I am low it is really hard to get moving, housework is a real difficulty and everything is just too much like hard work. Jobs don't get started because they seem endless. However I also have a responsibility to my family to recognise it and deal with it. For example - getting to the doc/shrink when a downturn happens; employing my strategies for coping - my life is timetabled (washed and dressed by 9, tv off, radio 4 on) then there are rules - no tv back on before 4 (unless me and DD1 have planned a film afternoon) I have to get out if the house every day; some housework gets done everyday, only allowed on mumsnet before 9, after bed time or when feeding dd2 (now!) etc. I do believe that work/activity help relieve the symptoms and as the depressive it is my responsibility to minimise the impact on those I live with. But its also worth noting that my first visit to the docs was because my mum frogmarched me there and yanked my head out of the sand! That was 13 years ago and I thank her everyday for it (loathed her at the time!)

StuntGirl Wed 08-May-13 17:16:07

If depression is his excuse then I have no sympathy until he starts doing something about it. And this is coming from someone who has previously suffered depression. It doesn't get better by itself, and he's dragging you all down with him while he fannys about. If you stepping away from him and stopping enabling him until he's ready to tackle his problems is what it takes then its what it takes.

sunnywindysunday Wed 08-May-13 17:26:23

Sorry Catgirl, I was very harsh on you earlier. You seem like a really nice person, a bit like my sister.

You've had really good advice on here and I'm quite rubbish at giving it. Hope things continue to improve.

Wow, what a martyr you are.

crashdoll Wed 08-May-13 18:01:20

LadyintheRadiator No need to be a complete bitch.

CouthySaysEatChoccyEggs Wed 08-May-13 18:14:10

If I was in your position, Catgirl, I would be telling my Husband a few things.

1) That he has a time limit of two weeks to go and see the GP about his depression.

2) That he sticks with whatever treatment plan the GP gives him.

3) That he starts doing his fair share - as he is a SAHD, that should actually be the majority of the housework.

4) That if he is not working or studying, he looks after your DS while you are at work, which will save you money.

If he didn't meet these, I would seriously think about LTB.

Can I ask why you are now paying for another day at Nursery for your DS when his father is sitting at home scratching his arse? Because I really don't get that.

Write a list of what you get out of your relationship. An honest list. Wrote another list of what would need to change for you NOT to feel so exhausted.

And stick to it.

You need to tell him straight that this can't go on, and that you will have to reconsider your relationship if he can't show you the care that you deserve.

I have been there, where you are now, and I KNOW how soul destroyingly knackering it is. And I know that it took me a good long while before I realised that I couldn't go on like that, for my own health and sanity.

And I am two years down the line after LTB. The difference in my life has been huge, and tbh the majority of it has been for the better.

If you want to PM me, feel free!

(((Hugs)))

scottishmummy Wed 08-May-13 18:31:00

ok you've clarified h has depression.has he seen gp for treatment?what was outcome?
you must encourage him see gp,his quality life is limited and you're struggling
he can ask bout medication,activity,community team.depression is a treatable illness

CheerfulYank Wed 08-May-13 18:31:32

Pilgit is so right. When i had PND it was soooo helpful to keep myself to a schedule.

He will honestly feel much better if he does. How long is DS in nursery every day?

Thurlow Wed 08-May-13 18:48:05

Couthy has some great suggestions.

Yes, if your husband is depressed then he is ill and he needs help and support.

But there does sadly come a point where, if he repeatedly won't accept that he needs help and he won't ask for that help, and it is making you ill too, that you need to think about yourself and your DS too.

Doing everything will give you another break down. By the sounds of it, honestly, at this point, if your DH wasn't around you would be in bed by 10pm and getting a decent night's sleep. And that is better than you have at the moment.

From the sounds of it, you have reached that point. Your DH needs to understand this.

Mumsyblouse Wed 08-May-13 18:49:42

I'm sorry, I don't think your DH is serious about change whatsoever, he still drinks, he still spends the majority of the time on online gaming, he only does childcare one day a week, he watches you have a breakdown/be seriously ill and still can't get his arse to the doctors?

I have a very good friend who suffers with depression, and those times are terrible, but when she feels a bout coming on do you think she a) does all of the above b) goes to the doctors, pays for counselling, continues her ordinary life looking after her son even though she feels very down. Millions of women with PND or depression feel awful but still get up every day and care for their children and try to do at least a bit of housework. Single mums don't have the option- they just have to do it.

I'm sad for you that this is the 'better' version and that the only way yoou can cope with your husband is to take anti-d's yourself and risk your health, but that is the truth of the matter. I also wish for change for you, you sound lovely (if with a rather large blind-spot).

NotWilliamBoyd Wed 08-May-13 19:12:51

Oh you sound so lovely and keen to make it all work, but honestly are you happy for your DS to grow up with this model of a relationship?

And how can your DH be great with your DS when he treats you like this? Where is the respect for you?

Exhaustipated Wed 08-May-13 19:22:08

What mumsyblouse said.

I have had PND, there is absolutely no way that I - or my DH - would have let it go on untreated. Depression really really really affects everyone around you, and whilst the illness itself cannot be called 'selfish', refusing to have treatment whilst those around you pay a huge price is selfish and utterly disrespectful.

Whilst depressed, I have had to look after not one but two babies, and do housework, cook, shop, be there for my kids etc etc. It was extremely hard, but I did it so that my family didn't fall apart. I sought treatment quickly, slowly got better and DH supported me throughout.
If I had not sought any kind of treatment, relied on him to be the breadwinner, not done any housework, put our children in nursery unecessarily, and continued to do this whilst he had a breakdown, I think he would have been justified in leaving me. Not because I was depressed, but because I didn't even try to get better for the sake of my family.

Phew, sorry but this upsets me tbh. Good luck to you all, I really hope things get better for you.

scottishmummy Wed 08-May-13 19:49:30

depression is treatable illness.but he needs to see gp,get treatment
erratic sleep,lack of routine,isolative behaviour symptomatic of depression
this is affecting you,him and eventually will be apparent to your child too

StuntGirl Wed 08-May-13 19:52:05

"If I had not sought any kind of treatment, relied on him to be the breadwinner, not done any housework, put our children in nursery unecessarily, and continued to do this whilst he had a breakdown, I think he would have been justified in leaving me. Not because I was depressed, but because I didn't even try to get better for the sake of my family."

This is a very good description of your relationship as you've informed us all here. Does seeing it down like this make you realise how much things have to change? And by that I mean he has to change, not you.

Couthy gave some excellent advice upthread as well.

angeltattoo Wed 08-May-13 19:55:35

I have read this, and your other threads. My response would be along the line of the one posted by a PP that mentions 'wankstain' so I won't add to the great advice already given.

I will add though, that my DH would never let our DD go to nursery 4 days per week whilst he dic nothing. In fact, my DH works and would love to be at home and spend time with his DD. Because he is a good Dad; a loving father who puts the needs of his child first, not a poor excuse of a father who, given he chance to raise his child, would choose to send his child to nursery.

This is not me nursery bashing, BTW, nurseries are great, and serve a purpose, but Catgirl, ask yourself, would you send DS to nursery 4 days per week if you were a SAhM? If the answer is no, then why should your DH?

scottishmummy Wed 08-May-13 20:03:01

no.nursery isn't the issue.lets not digress into nursery.issue is seeking treatment
her h has an illness impacting upon sleep,daily routine,perhaps ability to adequately cope
actually nursery use is v responsible if her dh cant cope.what remain unaddressed is seeing gp

MamaBear17 Wed 08-May-13 20:06:52

I split things with my dh. In the morning we take shifts whilst the other one is getting ready. Admittedly, dh's shift often involves him bringing dd into bed with him and putting cbeebies on whilst I am downstairs putting my slap on, then I take over and actually get her ready! Then in the evenings we take turns with the chores. One night I cook, bath dd and do the bedtime thing whilst he washes up, hoovers and tidies downstairs, puts a was on. The next night he cooks, baths dd and does bedtime whilst I do the cleaning up bits. Work gets done after she goes to bed (never any later than 7). Playtime is with whichever parent is not cooking and then both of us after her bath. We usually make sure work is finished by 8.30-9 and then we spend some time together. Or I go and soak in the bath. It is hard going but I just tell myself that it isnt going to last forever!

catgirl1976 Wed 08-May-13 20:15:40

Hi

DS is at nursery 2 days a week, not 4. He loves it. I would choose to send him even if I didn't have too. He will be an only child so it's great for him to interact with other children

There has been some very good advice on here, a lot of which I hope to take on board. I am very grateful for the support and advice, and even the 'ltb you enabling muppet' type comments as I know they are kindly meant and probably true.

I agree that DH must see his GP and I need to set him a deadline to this. I will do that. I will give him 2 weeks.

If I'm not back on tonight it's because I have to pack for a business trip to London tomorrow, clean up and sort my hair out.

Which would normally feel a bit knackering but, tomorrow I get to spend 2.5 hours on a train in 1st class, reading magazines and listening to my ipod. After my meeting I am free in London to look round a gallery, or the shops or just walk the street unharrased!

Then I get to spend a night in a hotel (only a Premier Inn BUT it's a room I dont have to clean, breakfast I don't have to cook, I can go to sleep as early as I like and sleep in till 7am!).

Then Friday, after my meetings, I get another 2.5 hours on the train, reading and drinking free wine

I feel a bit guilty for being excited and I will miss DS LOADS but the thought of all that me time is just so tantalizing!

SorryMyLollipop Wed 08-May-13 20:16:29

Well, if you don't want to LTB then there's not much you can do.

Sorry to be harsh but I think you need to set some clear expectations of your H here or things will just carry on and you will be exhausted.

raisah Wed 08-May-13 20:17:28

I have been back to work 18 months & absolutely exhausted now balancing it with 2 dc. Seriously contemplating resigning & becoming a sahm for a while.

SorryMyLollipop Wed 08-May-13 20:17:54

Enjoy your trip, I know its work but you really deserve a break xx

flippinada Wed 08-May-13 20:39:19

Catgirl I feel really sad reading this thread. That is not a nippy, passive-aggressive sad, it's genuine, feel-for-you sad. No wonder you had a breakdown - and you are heading for another one if things don't change for the better. Working full time on 5 hours sleep and doing the lions share of the housework while you are recovering from previous ill health is unsustainable and if this carries on it will damage you health - permanently.

I do sympathise with depression, it is horrible and like others posting here I've had severe PND so I know just how debilitating it can be. However my sympathy is extremely limited for someone who has depression but does nothing to tackle it, especially knowing how much it's impacting on people they are close to. And lest we forget, selfish arseholes can get depression too.

What was your H's reaction to your breakdown? I'm not demanding you detail it on here but thinking about it may give you some food for thought.

I too hope you enjoy your work trip, it sounds lovely and you deserve the 'break, smile

angeltattoo Wed 08-May-13 20:46:09

Ah, I thought I read DS was in nursery 4 days -apologies.

Enjoy your time away, you deserve it!

Joiningthegang Wed 08-May-13 20:50:23

I think you have to take some responsibility for your situation - your are accommodating his fecklessness - depressed? But you have a breakdown and he still hasnt sought diagnosis or treatment? Really?

What is the point of him? What exactly does he do?

You'd be better on your own and splitting custody frankly.

My days are not far off yours but 3dc and husband out at work 6-6. I would expect to do little housework if he was home without children for most of the day.

You sound really lovely - please find some self respect and not put up with this unacceptable state of affairs.

Is he Abusive or manipulative in some way? That is the only explanation for putting up with such shit

catgirl1976 Wed 08-May-13 20:50:52

Thanks sorry [thanks)

ada he was ok. He stepped up and looked after DS whilst I spent a week in bed and we did really talk. At that point he promised to go to the GP and had an appointment. However just as I was getting better I then had a lump in my breast and had to go for a mammogram and a biopsy and that was such a frightening time it threw everything off track (I lost my cousin to breast cancer last year so I was so terrified). I got the all clear though thankfully. I was also terrified as I didn't know how the hell DH would cope without me financially if I was off work long term with an illness or died.

So things got off track and with me going back to work and being quickly exhausted again they have slipped and not really got back to where we had got to (IYSWIM)

I will make him go to the Doctors.

The thing that really shook him last time was me saying I wanted to go for relationship counseling. Again, this has dropped off the radar but I will state that we have to go and hopefully it will get us somewhere.

flippinada Wed 08-May-13 20:55:27

Well I'm really pleased he stepped up, that's good. There's hope smile

You've really been through the mill haven't you? (I do hope that doesn't sound patronising), and I'm so sorry to gear about your cousin. That must have been awful.

Please be kind to yourself, won't you?

Joiningthegang Wed 08-May-13 21:01:11

This is harsh - but given the horrible things you have been through - he isn't really stepping up at all is he? Just throwing you crumbs which you see as better than nothing.

As an absolute outsider who knows nothing of your life - he appears to have no intention of changing. Just as little as possible to keep you off his back

maddening Wed 08-May-13 21:01:25

so your husband doesn't work? Then you should stop all housework immediately.

suburbophobe Wed 08-May-13 21:02:43

Welcome to the real world.

Try doing it as a single mum! smile

flippinada Wed 08-May-13 21:12:24

I don't think there's any need to kick someone when they're down, is there?

I also speak as a single mum. I can see OP is exhausted and desperately needs a break and some support which she isn't getting from her H.

Sometimes (in fact, a lot of the time) it's easier doing it all on your own than dealing with a situation like this.

scottishmummy Wed 08-May-13 21:12:27

I sense a reticence?why. 2weeks.wait why can be not go sooner?
I Appreciate you love him,and maybe want to fix him but you can't do this alone
familial support will be great but this needs an intervention from gp.no more prevarication he needs to see gp

catgirl1976 Wed 08-May-13 21:20:42

Thanks ada

I've said before and I will say it again, I am in awe of single mums (and dads). How anyone does it without support it beyond me. I am lucky as my DPs a great and I do not know how I would cope without them.

sm it will probably take 2 weeks to get an appointment with our drs - they are rubbish.

scottishmummy Wed 08-May-13 21:23:03

ok,you emphasise it's urgent,a mh need. does you gp do walk in and wait or home visits

flippinada Wed 08-May-13 21:25:51

Well, it gets a lot easier when they're older. My DS is 8 now, as fact which constantly amazes me. I really struggled with the toddler stage and juggling caring for a toddler with FT work (which I did too) is very tough indeed.

catgirl1976 Wed 08-May-13 21:25:59

They don't as far as I know but I will check. I will talk to him tonight and tell him he has to go and he has to ring them tomorrow for an urgent appointment. I know he is scared of what they will say (having to face up to things) but he needs to do it for me and for DS. And, for himself.

Wuldric Wed 08-May-13 21:26:00

You toughen up. It'll take a year or two of near exhaustion before your system adapts. But it does adapt. Don't forget you in all this and try to find time to keep fit and healthy - it helps.

scottishmummy Wed 08-May-13 21:31:44

gp do offer urgent and hv do emphasise the need
if he finds it hard to talk take a list.also be mindful of yourself,your needs
think of how long it's being going on,triggers,his current activity level,nutrition,alcohol intake,sleep

GoodtoBetter Wed 08-May-13 21:56:58

He's not scared, he just doesn't want his excuse for sitting on his sorry arse to be rumbled. He is making a fool out of you and taking the piss and you are letting him. WHY isn't he getting up with DS at 5am with immediate effect?

scottishmummy Wed 08-May-13 22:00:35

now isn't time for the whoop his ass speech.you're not watching Kyle now

Being a SAHD means he is a SAHD!! The child is his 'job'! It's for him predominantly look after your ds. He has naps in the day to recover from his early wakes, you are at work potentially jeopardising your career and your household income because you are knackered.
Sort him out or tell him to get a job to fund proper childcare!

roseum Wed 08-May-13 22:36:33

Can you try sleep-training your DS to wake up a bit later? Maybe gradually shift his bedtime a little later, so he wakes a little later in the morning? Then you could all eat together (much earlier than 10pm!) which saves on doing 2 meals in the evening.

If you can't shift his early waking, can you mitigate, can you bring him in bed with you for snuggles, so you can doze while he plays quietly (or can you feed him a snack, so he goes back to sleep? My DS is only 15months, but sometimes if he does wake early, some milk will send him back to sleep for another couple of hours).

Re housework - does your H not 'see' what needs doing? Or is he well aware but ignoring? I have some sympathy for his being unable to get much housework done when he is looking after your DS - some days I/ DH manage sod all when looking after our DS. But your H has lots of free days without your DS. Would leaving a list of stuff to do - starting small with one task a day, perhaps, given his depression - help? If not, I'd stop doing his clothes washing - when he runs out, maybe he'll manage to shove a load in the machine!

But I'd also suggest going to bed earlier, and ignoring the housework, if nothing else - you won't get ill from a messy house (and you have a cleaner regularly, so it can't be too unhygienic) but you can get ill from exhaustion.

ChocsAwayInMyGob Wed 08-May-13 22:42:25

I have every sympathy for people with Depression. I've had it myself and wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.

However, I have very little sympathy for people with Depression who refuse to seek treatment and thus damage their relationship and family, especially when kids are involved.

CouthySaysEatChoccyEggs Wed 08-May-13 22:56:49

I've found it far easier being a single mum than I did when I was carrying another lazy assed adult...

Oh my word, do NOT feel guilty about going to London!!

I just want to London for 5 DAYS, leaving DS with DH, it was heaven. Even though I had to sleep on a floor and got food poisoning at the end, it was still lovely. All that.... quiet smile

What worries me about your posts is that you went through all this horrible stuff and that worried you about what would happen to your family if something happened to you -- and really, your DH should have been similarly terrified. It should have been a real WTF moment and gotten him up off his arse. But instead he backtracked! That is just unreal.

I hope you will enjoy your time away and it spurs you on to demand kinder treatment for yourself at home.

Because really -- what he is doing to you is deeply unkind. This isn't a blip, this is nearly a couple years now, and it needs to stop.

ItsallisnowaFeegle Wed 08-May-13 23:34:16

I won't be pointing out where you're 'D'H is letting you and your DS down by not pulling his weight Catgirl. I think we can all agree it's been discussed.

What I'd like to add is that I'd like to read a thread where you tell us that your DH is now pulling his weight and you feel happier because you've changed how you allow him to behave/ treat you.

Change your attitudes and others will follow suit.

DonDrapersAltrEgoBigglesDraper Wed 08-May-13 23:50:30

Oh my goodness Catgirl, I remember reading on here recently that you'd had a breakdown and now I understand a little better why. Plus, the recent lump scare - you must have the weight of the world on your shoulders.

You know there's no point asking people how they do it. Most people do it by either getting on with it as single parents, or sharing the load with their partners. Or by doing it all themselves in utter martyrdom and misery.

My DH did a stint as a SAHD for about 4 months. I'm not going to describe the extent to which he stepped up to the mark because it won't help you. But suffice to say, your 'D'P is falling pathetically short of the mark. And if that's because of depression that's understandable - so he needs to take steps to sort it out.

You say that you don't know how you would cope without your 'D'P, but you belie that by showing how excited you are by time away, and that the thought of all that time to yourself is 'tantalising'.

I understand you're not ready to make any drastic steps just yet. That's fine. MN isn't going anywhere.

Sending you some un-MN hugs.

TheSecondComing Wed 08-May-13 23:56:40

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DonDrapersAltrEgoBigglesDraper Thu 09-May-13 00:08:41

You need to give some thought to the sort of male role model your 'D'P is providing for your son, and how much your future (assuming he's straight) DIL is going to thank you, when he morphs into his Dad. wink

I say this a little bit in jest, but only a little bit. You know it's how things are going to pan out, if things don't change a lot.

It's nice for your 'D'P that you're moving mountains to maintain his cocklodger status and to prioritise him in your household of 3, but sooner or later it's going to have to be time to prioritise you and your DS, rather than him.

catgirl1976 Thu 09-May-13 05:44:16

DH aside, DS woke up at 4am this morning

I didn't go to him and he went back to sleep after about 5 minutes but then woke up 3 more times between 4 and 5, ,at which point he was fully awake and screaming

I tried giving him a bottle to drink in his cot to buy 10 minutes but he threw it at me and carried on howling

I am going to post in sleep about the early waking, but its really not helping things

He didnt have a dirty nappy. I dont think he's teething. He wasn't hot or cold and he went to bed at 7:15pm sad

5am is killing me. I can't do 4am sad

Morloth Thu 09-May-13 05:54:40

You can't put 'DH aside' as he is the cause of your problem really.

My DH works 12-14 days out of the house and does more around the house than yours does.

In answer to your question, I deal with the early mornings (we are all up and out of the house around 6ish) by going to bed early.

I suspect it is easier being a single mum than in your situation because you don't have to carry a bunch of dead weight.

DonDrapersAltrEgoBigglesDraper Thu 09-May-13 06:03:06

Where was 'D'P in this 4AM bottle-flinging extravaganza?

My nearly 3YO DD woke up last night a few times from 3AM. I got up once, and DH got up the other three times. He works full time and I'm (currently) a SAHM. But I wasn't feeling well, so...

Out of interest, how do you not seethe with utter resentment at him at times like this? How can you possibly fancy him and maintain any semblance of a sex life with a man like this?

You're not obliged to answer these personal questions, Catgirl, I just find it fascinating in a fucked-up kind of way, because having sex with someone like this would make my skin crawl and I always wonder what sort of mental contortions one must make under these circumstances. sad

coraltoes Thu 09-May-13 06:10:01

You are being taken for a complete mug. Sorry buts that's how it reads to me.

Get your shithead of a husband to sleep train your son. How old is your DS? My DD went through about 4 months of early sackings which were hell but suddenly stopped. So it might just need your shithead to shush him or get up early. And stop being an utter shit head

Good luck. You sound like you bloody need it with that husband.

What a douche

MexicanHouseThief Thu 09-May-13 06:26:58

Ugh, I just want to shake your husband till his teeth rattle in his stupid face.

DD is an early riser too, it sucks. We deal with it by taking it in turns. She woke up last night a few times and DH went to her even though I was awake and physically nearer. Why did he do that? Because my back hurts atm and lifting her is a struggle, and because he loves her and wanted to give her comfort.

So what's your ultimatum re him going to the doctor? Get a plan in place within two weeks or...

Alligatorpie Thu 09-May-13 06:31:12

Does it work to bring your ds into bed with you when he wakes up so early?

I think you are getting a hard time here. You have already said you want to save your marriage, so the comments of 'how can you stand being around him?" are not very helpful.

Does you dh respond to lists? I used to resent making lists for my dh because as an adult, I didn't feel I should take on that responsibility too. But, in the end, I did it, and he actually does what is on the list. You might want to try it.

MexicanHouseThief Thu 09-May-13 06:39:10

The thing is, wanting to save your marriage is normal and admirable and I feel for you. But you can't do it if he's not willing to put the work in as well. The fact that your breakdown and health scare wasn't enough to frighten the shit out of him and make him take positive action suggests that he doesn't see there is a problem. Ditto his fear hmm of relationship counselling.

BABaracus Thu 09-May-13 07:06:36

Catgirl, I feel for you. Your DH must see his doctor as soon as possible. Anti depressants worked wonders for my best friend.

As a short term measure could you get a cleaner twice a week who will do laundry etc?

Alternatively, I wonder if it would help your DH's motivation if your DS instead went to nursery four afternoons a week? That way, if DH knew he only had say 3 hours to do a certain number of chores (leave him specific lists!), it's a lot easier to get motivated than when you have the whole day stretching ahead of you. Also can you disconnect the Internet / change password so that he can't access online gaming?

On the financial side, have you got life assurance? If you have but think it is not enough, then increase it or take out a separate policy.

On the early risings side, your DH absolutely must do the 5am wake ups on the day you go to work. No question.

I really hope things start to improve soon for you.

NoWayPedro Thu 09-May-13 07:09:28

Catgirl sad

A few years ago my DP lost his job and he spent several months at home not achieving very much. We were mid-ish 20's at the time and didn't have children so the impact wasn't so great and financially he could fund his share for the 6 mos or so. It did used to pee me off no end though and he was probably doing more than your DH.

He was a bit depressed, although not clinically. It's nice to have time off work but for some people (my DP) work is enjoyable, socialable, gives routine and a sense of purpose. Take that away and I can see how people get in a spiral of 'nothingness'. After a while he snapped out of it and realised the damage to us and his career and 10 yrs on things are great.

I was just wondering what extended family say about this situation? Neither my parents or ILs live nearby but my ILs were horrified with the situation and used to frequently say things to my DP about finding work and me not getting stressed and he should be doing everything at home.

I know you have to sort things yourself in a relationship but knowing they were willing to step in and dare I say, on my side if i would have said anything to them about it, really helped the situation. He was kinda getting it from all angles that he needed to sort it out ASAP.

GL, you deserve better and so does your LO smile

Dahlen Thu 09-May-13 07:42:34

Hope you've managed to get some sleep between your early start and now.

I mean this gently, but I suspect it's going to sound a bit harsh, for which I'm sorry. The last thing you need right now is someone else pointing out where you're going wrong. You must be on your knees as it is. sad

You're going to make yourself ill again unless you're careful. There's a reason sleep deprivation is considered a form of torture. Long term it can have significant effects on your physical and mental health and right now you don't have the resources left to counter that. You need to look after yourself better.

I'm assuming it's not possible for you to cut back at work due to being the sole earner ATM, so you need to find ways of getting more sleep outside of work. That means STOPPING doing housework and getting your DH to do it. I don't care that he has depression. One of my friends has suffered crippling depression to the point that she's been sectioned a few times. She's also a single mum. Apart from when she's been hospitalised, she has never once failed to get up with her daughter, feed her, get her off to school, ensure she has clean uniform to put on and a hot meal to eat when she gets back. Even though it's practically killed her to do so and she's spent the rest of the day while her DD was at school sobbing in a corner or lying on the bed staring blankly at the ceiling. She's done that because she loves her child and accepts that if she doesn't do it, her DD will suffer. Your DH is still in the mindset that it's ok if he doesn't do it because catgirl will pick up the slack. That needs to change. It's incredibly disrespectful towards you and will actively hold him back in his recovery from depression. One of the first steps is self reliance and personal responsibility, and by treating him as another child who has to be managed and not overburdened you are preventing him from developing this.

Catgirl, you really don't have the reserves to work full time, recover from a breakdown, be the primary carer for your son, and nurse someone through depression. It's just too much for one person. You sound terrified of being a single mum, but it's actually easier. If you're looking after your DS yourself, you tidy up as you go along. If he's in nursery you come home to the house being as you left it. There is less housework. There is significantly less laundry. There is less cooking to do (you can batch cook and just reheat something when there's just one of you a lot easier than you can for a couple). More importantly, your time away from work and DS is your own - you're not trying to meet anyone else's needs. Don't underestimate the sheer amount of mental and physical energy required to support someone like your DH. You could be free of all that.

I know you don't want to leave your DH, but if you're not going to end up ill yourself, he either needs to go or shape up. It really is that simple. sad

GoodtoBetter Thu 09-May-13 08:32:29

Depression my arse. He can still sit on online gaming all night. WHY didn't he get up at 4am? Why? What was his excuse? Honestly? The man is a useless tosser and that's the kindest thing I can say about hm. How do you not seethe with resentment and anger at how he treats you?

ChocsAwayInMyGob Thu 09-May-13 08:35:33

Poor you Catgirl. What is the point of you being married? He's not supporting you through tough times. Even when these tough times have passed, you will resent him as you know he wasn't there for you when you needed it the most.

My DH had Depression. We were all walking on eggshells around him. Our house was full of hostile silences and his moods. One day I told him to either move out or go to a GP. Thank God he did the second one and I got my DH back.

Not one person on this thread has thought it fair that you're doing so much when he has 3 free days. He obviously thinks that if he doesn't do things, they'll still get done. By you.

I'm sorry but you've got a breakdown on the way if this carries on.

Ultimatium time. Say it and mean it and don't let him soft soap you. Do it for your children. If you have a breakdown, who will look after them? Not you DH, he is as much use as a chocolate teapot.

Of course you can't do 4 am. Your husband could though. Time for an ultimatum, seriously.

As far as sleep, I would go back to putting him down at 8-8.30, I know this seems late but just imagine you're in France smile

If your husband ever steps up and does his share you will still have enough time to wind down after and get to bed earlyish.

Alibabaandthe40nappies Thu 09-May-13 09:42:59

Why on earth were you the one up at 4am?

You cannot just say 'DH aside'. One of the points of having a SAHP is so that they can take the strain of bad sleeping off the working parent.

He is taking you for an absolute mug.

DH and I are both having treatment for depression atm. I look after 2 DCs on my own all day 5 days a week, the eldest is at school but I have no childcare for the youngest. DH is working a full-time job. Not for one moment do either of us use our depression as an excuse to slack off - because we are responsible adults.

I honestly think that you would have an easier time if you were a single parent. Because you wouldn't have the pressure to have 'quality time' with DH - which is presumably some kind of euphemism for the fact that he expects you to have sex with him despite being exhausted.
I don't even know you and the disgust I feel towards him on your behalf is really powerful. angry

BTW - very glad all is ok with the boob x

MortifiedAdams Thu 09-May-13 09:47:03

Your DH is a twat, OP, and you know it. I worked til 11pm last night and got up at 6 for work again this AM. On nights like that I put my ear plugs in and DH is 'on call' - if Im only going to get 5hrs sleep then I need it to be uninterrupted.

Do not make excuses for him - do not think this is 'what men do'.

catgirl1976 Thu 09-May-13 09:53:16

Hi All

To be fair to DH, he did get up this morning.

We were both woken by DS at 4am. I got up with him at 5am as it was clear he wasn't going to settle and DH came down about 5:15 and asked if he could do anything.

There was no point me going back to bed as I had to get up at 6ish anyway.

We both looked after DS and then DH took him while I got ready for London.

So he was pretty good this morning.

I am on the train now so might try and get an hours sleep before my meeting! Earlier I was thinking I would go to a gallery or something this evening as it would be a waste of London not to do something. Now I am thinking it would be a waste of a bed and a toddler free hotel room not to go to bed about 7pm! grin

MexicanHouseThief Thu 09-May-13 09:55:34

So what will your ultimatum be re. him going to the doctors? Get a plan sorted in two weeks or....

Exhaustipated Thu 09-May-13 09:56:12

I was thinking about this thread, and I was imagining a SAHM who had a cleaner, one child, childcare three full days a week, and whose DH had a full time demanding job. This DH then did all the housework (apart from cooking, mostly) and all the wake ups with the child.

The SAHM claimed to have depression but had never ever sought any kind of treatment, but spent all her time on online games.

Does reversing the roles make it any clearer how messed up this situation is OP? You can't put your DH 'aside' and project all your angst onto your son's (fairly normal) sleeping habits. That's not your real problem here, it really isn't.

Exhaustipated Thu 09-May-13 09:59:49

X post. But he needs to let you sleep when you have a big day in London - he needs to get up first, not you.

Have a nice day in London- lots of time to sleep and rest sounds just what you need, and maybe reflect on things a bit?

catgirl1976 Thu 09-May-13 10:01:22

I don't know Mexican

It isn't going to be "or I will leave you"

So I really don't know.

HazleNutt Thu 09-May-13 10:04:09

Your DH needs to call and make an appointment with the GP TODAY. Not in 2 weeks or sometime in the future.

He is a SAHD. If DS wakes up at 5, the SAHD wakes up at 5 to do his job and take care of him.
On the days he is taking care of DS, he should still manage some housework, like all other SAHPs. You should not come home to start cleaning after him. On the days he does not have DS, he should be catching up with the rest.

If the roles were reversed, he was the one working and you the SAHM with several childfree days, isn't this what you would be doing? If yes, why don't you think he should not do the same?

Oh god woman, crash early tonight! Take this time to recover a bit.

How did your DH do his share? You went in to your DS. You got a bottle for him. You got up with him at 5. Only after you did all that did your DH get up.

With due respect, you need to get to the point -- perhaps through counselling -- where 'or I will leave' is an option. Not a threat but a possibility. Otherwise where is his incentive to change?

Put your CEO hat on. Imagine you have a supplier who is always late, does bad quality work, always has a million excuses, says they will improve but never do.

And you keep slinging them tons of money and there's never a chance that you will take your business away.

Why on earth would they put more effort into doing decent work? In fact, they would be fools to do so.

You are not doing yourself or your child any favours by refusing to contemplate leaving. You are just killing yourself -- literally.

Exhaustipated Thu 09-May-13 10:17:23

But don't you want a better life for your DS? Don't you need to start thinking in terms of ultimatums, for his sake?

To put it fairly bluntly (sorry), growing up with one burnt out parent who is having breakdowns and getting seriously ill, and one depressed patent who refuses to seek treatment could be really harmful.

I am never usually harsh like this on MN but it really seems like you need to wake up and start getting this family into a better situation one way or another.

catgirl1976 Thu 09-May-13 10:17:55

Reversing the roles does make it clearer sad

And the CEO Analogy

Mumsyblouse Thu 09-May-13 10:27:35

My worry for you is that you are back running on adrenaline. I've done it myself, have almost no sleep, then use adrenaline (and the anti-d's) to kick yourself to then do another 17 hour day. But- it won't sustain, you will become physically run down and mentally exhausted again. It's just not sustainable in the long-term, and you will in a few weeks or months or when you try to come off the anti-d's (the irony that you are taking medication for depression to cope with your husband's poor treatment of you and his untreated depression...).

He needs to go to the doctors and take medication and get treatment (CBT now). Otherwise your child is growing up with one parent depressed, listless and wasting his life, and another parent on the edge of a nervous breakdown. This is not good for him not good for you, and I am just not sure what fantasy of family life you are preserving by continuing with this when the reality is really quite awful for all of you. Children do notice, I grew up with a dad who refused proper (any) treatment for his depression and mental health problems and I was very glad when he left my mum and stopped us all being dragged down by himsad

I'm glad.

I just imagine that in order to be so successful in the business world, you must see through a lot of BS and I'm sure you don't over-indulge people who don't pull their weight.

I think the biggest change having kids brings to your relationship is that it's now really not just about love and feelings, but about partnership. Responsibilities. Respect, working together well, all that stuff.

You can skate by on love and great sex and wine before kids. But if you don't have a good partnership things will fall apart when kids come along.

That's why I do think you can apply business thinking to home life, to a certain extent. You and your husband made a commitment to this project together -- to have a life together, to have a child, to raise him properly. Your husband is massively shirking his responsibilities and not doing anything to get help. Are you just supposed to keep doing this on your own forever?

Have your day in London, have a great night sleeping. Try to remember a bit who YOU are -- not catgirl the wife or catgirl the mum, but just catgirl. Think about whether this is really the life you want or deserve. It doesn't have to be this way.

Mumsyblouse Thu 09-May-13 10:29:33

BUT- if he changed, went to the doctors, properly engaged with MH professionals, took his medication, his life could be transformed. I guess the question is- does he want it to be or is he happy to live this half-life? I would put this bluntly to him, give him a chance to get treatment, but I would not then, if he failed to do so, expect the rest of us in our family to sacrifice our own wellbeing as a consequence.

Thurlow Thu 09-May-13 10:30:41

I do understand that you don't want to leave him, that you don't want to give him an ultimatum.

But if you think about it, is there anything else you can threaten him with that would achieve a result? You had a breakdown and that didn't get him to pull his finger out and seek some help sad

If that didn't work, I honestly can't imagine what else would scare him enough in to getting help.

I do think some of the other posters are right in saying that there is a element of his behaviour which doesn't entirely tally with depression. Not saying he doesn't need support and help, just that there seems to be something very deliberate about his inability to do anything around the house.

Take some time to recover and relax on your trip, you really deserve it.

Have a lovely break from it all catgirl !

(Can't you arrange these trips more often?smile )

Or think of it this way. You don't want to leave him, the great guy you married all those years ago. But you might have to consider leaving this version of him, which he is doing nothing to change even though you are physically and mentally ill because of it.

Leaving might be the one way to get back to what you used to have.

It's clear that not leaving is not really getting you anywhere. Yes, there has been a bit of improvement, but remember that this new improved version is still seen by everyone on this thread as a total cocklodger. And when you let the pressure up a bit, he backtracked.

AvonCallingBarksdale Thu 09-May-13 10:51:04

Oh, catgirl, I remember your previous threads think I said you looked like a young cindy Lauper!! You sound so lovely and sooooo tired. He's not really stepping up, because it took for you to have a breakdown before he's thrown you a few crumbs sad He needs to be getting up with DS, not waiting until you've done it all then comeing down and asking if there's anything he can do. And you're convincing yourself, too. You could have gone back to bed until 6.00. I've every sympathy for someone with depression, but not so much if he's still online gaming regularly and stalling on going to the GP. This man is no role model for your DS sad. HAve a good, restful time in London.

TentativeWhistleBlower Thu 09-May-13 10:55:22

I know the thread seems to have moved on a bit from the op, but can on to suggest getting blackout blinds in your ds's room? My DSD will wake up when it starts getting light outside, which is now as early as 5am. But if the black out blinds are closed she'll sleep till about 9ish.

Maybe worth a try?

catgirl1976 Thu 09-May-13 11:01:55

Ah thank you Avon I will x thanks

9am you say tentative? <goes on amazon to order blackout blind> smile

TentativeWhistleBlower Thu 09-May-13 11:04:14

Hopefully that will work for you, you seem in great need of se long lies every so often flowers

With us anyway, it was the natural light coming in the window that set off the 'its morning!!' Alarm, so we get a bit longer if this isn't triggered

whoneedssleepanyway Thu 09-May-13 11:22:10

Catgirl my DH is very similar to yours, we have 2 DDs and they are a bit older but he isn't working at the moment, DD1 is at school and DD2 is at nursery 3 days, we also have a cleaner. I work 4 days a week and was finding myself doing everything.

Both of mine also went through a phase of early waking.

There are 2 issues - dealing with early waking and getting your DH to help more.

Early waking - unfortunately I think this is incredibly hard to crack, we tried loads of things and nothing made a huge difference but I did use a forum called babysleepanswers www.babysleepanswers.co.uk which was really helpful. I think what you should try and do is push it by a few minutes each day, so don't go in until 5:30 day 1, then 5:35 and try to get him used to being in his cot on his own for a bit as at least if you don't have to physically get up and can lie in bed that is a start. The early waking will pass eventually though but it is so demoralising when you are in the middle of it. I would use the early mornings to get stuff done like put a wash on before I went to work etc....I also think there is nothing wrong with sticking the TV on at that time and maybe you can do some work then rather than late into the night will DS watches something.

Your DH. First he is not himself he is depressed so I do think everyone should make allowances for this. I also think men just don't think about all the day to day stuff that needs doing when they aren't used to doing it and take it for granted. I have resorted to asking telling my DH what needs doing each day e.g. please change the girls beds, please wash the bath towels etc etc. He is getting better but I still find myself doing a lot of chores but we will get there. My DH just doesn't seem to notice if there are dirty coffee cups on the kitchen work top and not in the dishwasher etc etc. I think things like this will never bother him as he isn't house-proud in the same way so I have to remind him daily to do these things.

Do you have to work in the evening, what would happen if you didn't??? As soon as my girls are in bed DH and I sit down to eat, I make sure we can have quick easy meals in the week e.g. jacket potatos which can go in the oven as soon as I get home and are ready when they are in bed, stir fry, something prepared at weekend. We then eat together and have a couple of hours before going to bed.

I went to bed at 9pm when I was getting up at the crack of dawn, it was the only way. I think you should agree that your DH helps in the morning, mine is rubbish to and just isn't a morning person and I literally have to push him out of bed sometimes but I make him get up and help, before I would stomp around and get cross but it is easier to just now physically wake him up and say get out of bed and help.

You sound a lovely person and you need to start putting yourself first as you would be no good to your DS and DH if you get ill again. I ended up getting really ill a few weeks ago due to being so run down and it was a wake up call to get me to make DH do more.

Keep us updated.

Alibabaandthe40nappies Thu 09-May-13 11:32:52

whoneeds there is only a certain allowance that should be made for a parent with depression. They need to seek help with their illness in order that they can contribute effectively to looking after their child and home and finances in whatever way.

DonDrapersAltrEgoBigglesDraper Thu 09-May-13 11:38:42

whomeeds, you seem to think that men are imbeciles. sad

NoWayPedro Thu 09-May-13 11:40:36

You don't want to leave him/give an ultimatum which is your choice.

You're in denial as every time someone says something you have a rebuttal of 'he did do this one little thing to be fair', except its not fair is it sad I hope you went/are going to see a counsellor after your breakdown who might help get some perspective as there are other issues here.

whoneedssleepanyway Thu 09-May-13 11:57:21

Crikey wasn't expecting that...

Alibaba - yes I agree but having suffered from depression myself it took my DH to march me to the doctors himself before it got sorted...I agree you can only give a certain allowance but sometimes the sufferer will never seek help themselves.

DonDraper - where did I say I thought they were imbeciles...??? My point is that in my experience the stuff that bothers me about the house doesn't bother him, he doesn't notice it, if I ask him to do specific things he will do them, it works for us. Catgirl's DH sounds like he needs similar prodding.

So it's not enough that she works long hours and brings in all the money and does all the cleaning and all the night wakings and early mornings and pays for DS to be in nursery, etc and so on. She also needs to remind her DH to turn on the washing machine? pass the hoover?

Please.

This man has had two years to sort himself out, with lots of support from catgirl. Enough is enough.

whoneedssleepanyway Thu 09-May-13 12:08:22

OK I will back away from the thread, was just sharing what is working in our house.

I thought she was asking for tips, she doesn't want to leave and he is showing no sign of changing...but I will butt out sad

catgirl1976 Thu 09-May-13 12:11:09

whoneeds I really appreciate your posts - thank you for sharing and the tips.

I totally take dreamings point that a grown man shouldn't need to be told, but am glad you have found a way that works for you. If I leave him lists he does tend to do at least some of the stuff on them, I'm just normally too knackered to write one smile thanks

I'm sorry, am not trying to scare you off

If it works for you, that's fine. I just think it's not the best advice to give to someone who has recently physically and mentally broken down due to the strain of having to carry her unhelpful partner.

whoneedssleepanyway Thu 09-May-13 12:12:38

No worries Catgirl, I hope you can find something that works for you, it is sh1t and I really empathise.

whoneedssleepanyway Thu 09-May-13 12:14:23

I take on board your view Dreaming but at the end if you get to a stalemate where someone won't change but you don't want to leave I am not sure what else you can do. It is a vicious circle.

x-post

Okay CEO hat again smile

What would you do with an employee who only did half of his job responsibilities?

And when you reminded him with a list of everything he was supposed to do, he still only did some of them?

You would think he was massively taking the piss.

Okay, your husband is not your employee. But these things that need to be done are not just things that YOU are coming up with for no reason, they are things that objectively need to be done for you and your child to live properly. How is that not enough incentive for him?

DonDrapersAltrEgoBigglesDraper Thu 09-May-13 12:20:28

Sorry, my reply was very abrupt, but the man you portray is not one I recognise in the slightest. Not my DH, not my father, not my brother.

I don't understand the allowances that seem to be made for men who are just lazy and who know someone else will pick up the slack if they don't do it.

They are all perfectly capable and don't need lists any more than we do. They just do not want to do it, and know they don't have to.

You don't have to accept this, or believe all men are like this, is all I am saying. They're simply not.

whoneeds it's only a vicious circle if you trap yourself inside it.

If you open up the possibility of leaving, it can change everything.

I know my DH is 100% committed to me, but I also know if I started acting like a selfish jerk all the time he would eventually leave. That's a completely rational reaction. Why would you hang around and be treated badly, especially when there's a child involved?

Removing that option also removes a major incentive for people to get their act together.

I have done the softly, softly thing, for 3 years in fact, when I was younger. It does not work. They will not change. Thank god I finally left and am not still stuck in that purgatory. It's one thing to support someone who is struggling temporarily, it's another thing enabling someone to just continue being hopeless.

Just to clarify -- when I say why would 'you' hang around, I mean people generally, not you specifically, whoneeds.

You say you are happy so I don't want to criticise your situation.

GoodtoBetter Thu 09-May-13 12:33:21

Of course he only does some of it, because he knows you'll do the rest and he knows you won't leave. He is taking advantage. I'll ask again, WHY doesn't he get up with DS in the morning? WHY is it you? What is the reason for that?

NoWayPedro Thu 09-May-13 12:35:08

You've done it again; 'if I write a list he will do some of the things' - so either you unwittingly defend him in a 'he's not really that bad way' or how bad he is is an exaggeration. I think the former, you're in denial.

I'm not trying to have a go smile. The facts are there, you write them, but you will always have an excuse for his behaviour - he doesn't need one as you will gloss over every time. I know, I've been there.

whoneedssleepanyway Thu 09-May-13 12:37:07

I know you aren't Dreaming.

I am happy, we have had some bad times, but now things work, yes it is a poor reflection that DH has to be asked to do his share but that's the way it is and it has helped address the balance, I imagine things were not as desparate for us as they are for the OP.

DonDraper you are right not all men are like this, and I am sure I am guilty of enabling this...DH's father does nothing he had the traditional role of being the breadwinner and his mum did everything else so that is what DH grew up with, similar in my family and I guess I have just gone one to emulate what I grew up with, except with one big difference that I am the breadwinner too. I have tried to strike more of a balance and I would like my DDs to end up with the men you describe in your post.

MexicanHouseThief Thu 09-May-13 13:37:10

Wrote a post earlier but lost it as the site crashed, so here it is again:

You say you will not countenance leaving. That's your choice. Instead, how about you say that if he doesn't seek AND IMPLEMENT help for his depression within a short period of your choosing, he must move out. Not splitting up, not The End, not forever, but he must leave the family home so that he can take responsibility for himself for a while and you can have some much needed space to recover, rest and gain perspective. If you are enabling each other, spending some time apart (without ending the relationship) might help both of you.

Thurlow Thu 09-May-13 14:09:11

Lists could be a way forward, they're not a terrible idea. DP, even though he pulls his weight, isn't always the best at noticing in the first place what needs doing. But a quick list or text that takes me 30 secs to write ("needs a hoover, beds need changing") and he does the jobs. But similarly he'll often need to remind me that we are out of a certain food, or the bins need to go out etc, because those are things that I don't notice as much as he does. It works for us - though I've just realised that we have a very cliched division of labour grin

HazleNutt Thu 09-May-13 14:14:38

Obviously, any soft approaches and lists do not work, you've tried, he is still massively taking the piss and you still do everything.

I understand you believe things are not that bad and you can manage. But you have a DS to think about. He needs 2 functioning parents, not one that does nothing and other one having a breakdown because she tries to do everything.

winecentral Thu 09-May-13 14:46:38

ive just jumped 7 or so pages, so appolgies if ive missed something.

My ex husband was like this. Before we even had children, had lots of down time, late starts, early finishes and two afternoons off a week. i worked 40 hours. Can you guess who did everything?

When he was on annual leave from work, he used to do even less, mostly lie in bed all day, i used to tell him it was leave from work not leave from life.

I tried, i shouted, i made lists i stopped doing his stuff, it would always revert back.

DD came along and he continued to do nothing. Not for that reason, but it should have been enough, we are now divorced. I have managed with a child on my own. im far less tired than i was when he was around, and DD was tiny when we split.

hes now remarried, he still does nothing.

Hes a self entitled arse who is lazy and does not respect women, much the same as yours sounds..... you only get one life, dont waste it with someone who doesnt respect you.

Nagoo Thu 09-May-13 16:09:27

If you are a single parent no one is messing up your house while you at work and the DC are in childcare.

If you are not sitting down until 9pm then I assume you are doing stuff.

At 7.30 when the DC is in bed, reel off the list of things that you need to get done and make your DH do some.

This situation is untenable.

You have to change something. Sleep is x1million more important than 'quality time'. Go to bed.

scottishmummy Thu 09-May-13 17:41:33

Op has made it clear she's no want to leave dh.no point banging on about it
his next step is he get treatment,see gp for assessment,this needs to be prioritised
depression is a treatable illness that usually respond well to medication and treatmenth

nobodysbaby Thu 09-May-13 18:42:30

Sorry if this is prying too much, but if you are saying that you won't consider leaving because you're worried that he'll self harm, then you must know that that isn't your responsibility, right? You need to look after yourself and your son, your husband is an adult who can help himselfif he chooses to.

whoneeds Men like this do see the dirty cups in the sink, the toys on the floor etc. They just think...fuck it, she can do it when she gets in.

They are no different to us in that respect, some men choose not to because they don't have to.

Thurlow Fri 10-May-13 14:00:43

Hi Catgirl, how did your night in London go? Did you get some decent rest?

catgirl1976 Sat 11-May-13 10:39:01

It was lovely! Thank you

I randomly woke up at 5am yesterday (I think my body clock must be set now) but I just had a cup of tea in bed and dozed. On the Friday night I had a peaceful meal in a restaurant, then a hot bath and bed.

The train back yesterday evening was lovely.........just reading magazines, listening to music and drinking wine! Bliss

And..............I came home to a spotless house and dinner shock

I think I should go away more often......................... smile

limon Sat 11-May-13 11:14:27

Your DH sounds like a slacker.

FoundAChopinLizt Sat 11-May-13 11:19:28

Has your dh been reading your mumsnet account when you've been away?grin

So he can get things done when you're not doing it..interesting, don't you think?

I broke my leg a few years back and I really made me realise how much I did in the house.

catgirl1976 Sat 11-May-13 12:12:47

You know found, I was wondering that myself! grin

But yes..........he clearly can do things, he is just choosing not to.

Next step, GP appointment for him. Less enabling martyrdom from me.

Good smile

Have you discussed it with him yet? Because he needs to go ASAP. No more tiptoeing around it.

Glad you got some rest!!

catgirl1976 Sat 11-May-13 13:22:58

He has promised he will ring for an urgent appointment on Monday

So hopefully, we have some progress! smile thanks

Nagoo Sat 11-May-13 14:31:03

Good luck smile

And book another night away!

RandomMess Sat 11-May-13 14:42:50

Why don't you have a rota for which jobs he does on which days - same every week.

Tell him what time he needs to put dinner on the table for every week day.

ImperialBlether Sat 11-May-13 14:56:13

Who does the dishes and tidies the kitchen when he cooks?

What time does he start to cook, if you're not eating until 9.30?

catgirl1976 Sat 11-May-13 15:06:14

That would be me

He starts cooking 9pm onwards normally

RandomMess Sat 11-May-13 15:10:13

Tell him he needs to have tea ready for x time - whatever is reasonable for you - 7.30pm?

LadyBeagleEyes Sat 11-May-13 15:14:27

Seems nothing's changed since the last time you wrote about this catgirl sad
He is a lazy bastard.

ImperialBlether Sat 11-May-13 15:18:16

What would he have to do to make you realise life would be better without him?

At the moment he does nothing except play on his games. You do all the housework, the laundry and you do all the childcare when you're in the house. He does absolutely nothing. Now you say you even clean up while he's cooking? Personally, I would rather cook than clean up. How about you?

Is there anything he could do that would make you prefer to live alone?

Oh, and does he acknowledge he does nothing? Do you ever say you're knackered and he says, "Yes, me too" with a sigh, as though he's been working hard all day?

How happy would you be for your son to grow up to be like him? What would you say to your DIL if so?

scottishmummy Sat 11-May-13 15:19:55

Why isn't gp appt made yet?why have days passed,you're still in same situation

Catgirl we had a very long-running thread in Sleep about our early wakers. Here is the assembled wisdom and tips of an exhausted group of people. It is an old thread now, 2012, so I hope most of those children are sleeping now, DD is. smile

well catgirl's been away, and the earliest he could call the GP I imagine is Monday. So no pitchforks yet! smile I do hope he does call.

In the interim, I do think it would help to eat earlier... what time do you come home?

We eat all together around 6.30-7, with DS going to bed 8ish.
One of us does bedtime stuff while other does dishes.
This means we're both free from about 8 on, so there's lots of time to take care of things or relax and still get to bed early.

It's absolute madness to eat at 9.30 with a child getting up at 5. Why does he start cooking so late?

scottishmummy Sat 11-May-13 15:46:54

this has been active since wed early morning.why hasnt a gp appt been booked
a lot of advice,no concrete action,no gp appt
nothing's particularly changed.appt could have been phoned wed,Thursday,fri?

ImperialBlether Sat 11-May-13 15:48:28

Because he can't be bothered doing it earlier, dreamingbohemian. He's still living like he's a student.

LadyBeagleEyes Sat 11-May-13 15:53:00

Why should he bother, he has no reason to.

Well if that's the reason, that's ridiculous.

Get him to change that one thing at least right now, it will have a big knock-on effect.

scottish I'm not sure catgirl told him he had to make the appointment til she got back?

scottishmummy Sat 11-May-13 16:02:12

no,read the thread they've had the see gp conversation already,prior to this thread
I suppose I'm wondering when the appt will get made,given 3working days has passed

catgirl1976 Sat 11-May-13 16:05:54

We did have the GP conversation, but with me being away and him looking after DS it wasn't something I expected him to do till next week

Plus he was reluctant, so him promising he will on Monday is a step forward

I realise he has to follow through on this book it and then actually go

Ok see what happens Monday

But, don't think of it as a step forward until he actually does it

GoodtoBetter Sat 11-May-13 16:31:37

Why is he reluctant?

catgirl1976 Sat 11-May-13 16:54:12

I think because they will tell him he has a drink problem and also he will have to face up to his depression and actually start dealing with thing Good

scottishmummy Sat 11-May-13 17:00:08

well let gp assess the resent action,and me it from there
in all likelihood the gp will be supportive and solution focused
but he needs to make the appt or you both remain stuck

jellyandcake Sat 11-May-13 18:16:28

What was said above about does he acknowledge your exhaustion at all - I wonder this too? I just can't imagine how this happens - do you say you're tired? Or say you're hungry? I would be keeling over if I didn't eat til 9.30! Does he delay cooking until then in the hope that you'll do it? I seriously don't know how you are managing day after day - I am exhausted just imagining your life and I have an early waking toddler of my own.

You mentioned the possibility of relationship counselling before; would that be an option?

ZangelbertBingeldac Sat 11-May-13 18:19:03

Why are you still starting these threads?

No one is going to validate your choice to put up with this sponger.

catgirl1976 Sat 11-May-13 18:26:17

He says 'me too' if i say i am exhausted

today he asked me 'who is getting up with ds tomorrow?'

i said 'you - sunday is my one lie in day' hmm

he said 'well i got up with him on thursday (ds woke super early, i got up with him but dh couldn't get back to sleep and came down after about 30mins, played pc games till half six when i had to get ready to go to london) and i got up with him friday'

this has really annoyed me as i will be getting up with ds m,t,w,t,f,s. dh will have relaxing child free days m, t and thurs. i will be at work all week. i was up m.t.w.t with ds this week and f up to go to all day course, then travel back from london

and yet he feels hard done too because i wont give up my lie in day tomorrow just because he had to get up on fri when i was away

he is acting like the injured party

relationship counselling is something i really want to do - am hoping it will give him some perspective

although i appreciate the whole of mn is hoping it will give me some

scottishmummy Sat 11-May-13 18:30:51

cat,you're truly stuck.locked into your do it all role and he unwilling go gp
frankly I see v little point in these tortured guess what he said/did next
it's unlikely to elicit a lot of sympathy as you're as stuck and enabling this

scottishmummy Sat 11-May-13 18:36:39

look cat what are you seeking here?your rightly aggrieved but do nothing about it
you get immediately defensive when it suggested dh behaviour is lacking
but you seem to want a poor you sounding board. no one on mn can fix this

what are you both going to do

HazleNutt Sat 11-May-13 18:36:51

i will be getting up with ds m,t,w,t,f,s. dh will have relaxing child free days m, t and thurs. i will be at work all week. i was up m.t.w.t with ds this week
and yet he feels hard done too because i wont give up my lie in day tomorrow just because he had to get up on fri when i was away

And what did he reply when you pointed this out? How could he justify that what he asked is in any way fair?

ImperialBlether Sat 11-May-13 18:36:57

So, he's selfish, he's lazy and he's entitled. You do all of the work. He has whole days when he is alone and he still does nothing. You pay for a cleaner - what exactly is he doing while the cleaner's there?

He cooks dinner - big deal - everyone knows it's the cleaning up that's a pain when you're cooking. Cooking itself is never the problem if you have a household elf clearing away. And that's you, isn't it? And by then it's 10 pm and you're ready for bed but you stay up and watch a film with him because he's not tired, because, let's face it, on the days your child goes to nursery, your partner goes back to bed, doesn't he?

OP, you know what? You are mad. Absolutely bloody mad.

scottishmummy Sat 11-May-13 18:38:59

cat you want to offload,get mn reassurance but you're defensive about dh
neither of you is making significant changes
this wont change

catgirl1976 Sat 11-May-13 18:40:05

i know sad

sorry

I don't want to get to the point where I feel like I can't post on MN. I get a lot of support and advice from it, even if I am not always able to implement it

scottishmummy Sat 11-May-13 18:41:50

cat,you don't owe anyone on mn an apology.you do owe it to self to change this
it's horribly apparent the burden if all this is upon you
but you seem stuck,that's all. I do wish you well

ImperialBlether Sat 11-May-13 18:46:14

What sort of life would you like to be living? Are you happy in your job? Would you prefer to work part time or to be a SAHM?

When did he last work? What did he do? Could he return to it?

Can I ask whether he smokes weed?

GoodtoBetter Sat 11-May-13 18:50:46

Nothing will ever change. Going to the doctor won't help because he's not depressed, he's just a lazy cunt. I know you don't want to hear it, but that's the long and short of it. We can listen all you like but unless you do something(like boot his lazy arse out) nothing will ever change. Ever. Is this how you want to live the rest of your life? What is sooooo special about him? And don't say "I love him"..how can you love someone who treats you with such utter contempt and disdain?

GoodtoBetter Sat 11-May-13 18:51:31

Sorry that was really harsh. I just feel so fucking angry on your behalf.

Exhaustipated Sat 11-May-13 19:01:09

OP, if you really look within and ask yourself 'what will change this?' what answer do you get? Do you think going to the GP will make all the difference?

Are you at the point now where you see that things absolutely must change, urgently?

Also (sorry for all the questions) what did he say when you pointed out the lie in situation? What have you agreed?

LadyBeagleEyes Sat 11-May-13 19:04:18

I know you need MN to come and vent Cat, and hopefully there'll always be someone to listen to you.
Did he ever pull his weight in your relationship?
I think we're all struggling to understand why such a strong, intelligent poster will put up with being treated like this.
Have you considered a trial separation?

catgirl1976 Sat 11-May-13 19:08:48

He used to be very different

Losing his job was the trigger for this (3?) years ago - now he is in such a rut he can't see it

I am getting my lie in tomorrow, we agreed that but I can tell he thinks I am being unfair

How do I want my life to be?

I want to be with someone who enjoys life. Someone who says 'let's do this today or lets go here' not who has to be dragged to do anything. Someone who comes to bed at a reasonable time. Someone who has interests and friends. Some one who has some zest and spark and wants to do things and go places. I want some spontaneity. I'd like to work pt. I'd like how hard I work to result in us being comfortable financially, which we would be if DH worked. I'd like me time without having to juggle it or feel guilty. I'd like someone who surprised me and did thoughtful things. I'd like DH to be that person. And he used to be.

Exhaustipated Sat 11-May-13 19:17:52

Oh catgirl, that's really poignant. Of course you want that. sad

Could you show that (or say that) to your DH? Maybe it would spur him on to get help and sort his life out.

catgirl1976 Sat 11-May-13 19:29:35

Actually exhausted I thought I might write him a letter along those lines...maybe to give to him or give to him at counseling. Maybe it would get through to him,

MexicanHouseThief Sat 11-May-13 19:40:52

Write out what you've written above, give it to him along with your assurance that he will be moving out unless he seeks and implements help within x period.

OR just carry on flogging this dead, stinking horse and flogging yourself into the ground along with it. It's your life..but you'll never get it back.

catgirl, all those things you want -- you totally deserve them

I don't know why you would want to go through life without them, rather than stand up to a man who's treating you so badly.

I understand you hope to get back to a place where he can be a good man.

But it's been 3 years

He needs a massive kick in the arse and you need to stop looking at every tiny promise as progress.

It's entirely possible that what you're seeing now is the real him. All those good times, all those nice things he used to do -- it sounds like you guys used to experience life as a big party (from your previous threads) -- and hey, good for you! but you know, it's easy to be a nice guy at a party. It's easy to drink and party and have fun and be a good guy.

I'm really struggling to imagine that someone is a good guy and loves you AND is willing to treat you like crap for 3 years. Even if he is depressed, he would be hating himself for what he's doing, not justifying it.

Alibabaandthe40nappies Sat 11-May-13 21:09:39

He used to be that person, but that was before you had DS and a responsibility to do more than have fun together. He has never stepped up since you two have been parents.

Cat I so feel for you, you are clearly a good mum and work hard for your family. You deserve a husband who keeps his end of the bargain, who doesn't expect you to do all the grind while he only contributes occasionally.

I don't know what else to say. You know the truth of your own situation better than any of us on here. Only you will know what it will take for you to reach breaking point with him and tell him to shape up or fuck off - and really mean it.

scottishmummy Sat 11-May-13 21:28:03

you both take small steps to his recovery.must see the gp to access service and referrals
3working days already passed,you're still as tired,its all v stuck
depression is treatable illness.alcohol dependence is treatable too

jellyandcake Sun 12-May-13 07:03:07

Hope you're enjoying your well-deserved lie-in!

Hey catgirl please don't feel you will one day have to stop posting,there will always be someone to listen on here, one day this will be sorted,one way or another.

hope you had a good lay in,and are ready to come down on DH to go to the frigging GP, he must start to change before you pay the price.

Thurlow Mon 13-May-13 12:48:23

Hope you enjoyed your lay-in? Great news that he as agreed to call the GP.

Don't feel like you have to stop posting. Maybe it's time to start a new thread in Relationships about this? I'm sure there are plenty of posters here who have been through the depression of one party, and counselling, and all these things, who could give you some practical advice on how to take this one step at a time. Staying on an AIBU thread means people posting without reading the whole thread and seeing how it's moved on.

If you want to try and make this work, MN are here to help.

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