To expect my DH to let me know roughly what time he'll get home?

(49 Posts)
Beccadugs Tue 07-May-13 19:10:56

I know he is currently v busy at work with a deadline on Thursday, but I don't think it's too much to ask that he give me a vague idea of when he'll be home. If he is going to be v late ill have supper without him. We had also talked about taking the dog for a walk together and it's going to get dark.

His mobile is crap, and often drops signal so I have no way of getting hold of him. It just makes me so irritated, and I think it's frankly selfish on his part not to think about me.

maras2 Tue 07-May-13 19:25:41

For goodnes sake leave the poor bloke alone.Do your own stuff and let him do his.You sound more like a stalker than a wife.

Why is it irritating you so much?

He is at work. Eat when you are hungry. Take the dog for a walk if you want to.

Maybe he doesn't know what time he will be finished?

Startail Tue 07-May-13 19:30:43

I don't think YABU, DH generally rings if he's going to be unreasonably late. It's simply polite if the other is cooking.

Sirzy Tue 07-May-13 19:31:38

You know he is very busy at work and working to a deadline. Just plan for him to be back late and if he is earlier great.

LimitedEditionLady Tue 07-May-13 19:32:31

I like to know when my oh will be home roundabouts.its nice to know whether to make tea for them and if we got time to do anything together.
Maras2 how is she being like a stalker wondering if he wants supper and whether to just walk the dog alone?a stalker?hes her husband so why wouldnt she want to eat together and go for a walk?

Smartieaddict Tue 07-May-13 19:33:40

YANBU, a little consideration takes seconds, a quick text is not much to ask!

MyHeadWasInTheSandNowNot Tue 07-May-13 19:39:02

YANBU it's bloody annoying & rude - the least he can do is let you know when he's going to be heading home and if he makes plans with you, then he needs to either be home or ring you to tell you he wont be. There are very few jobs where you can't do this and I'm sure if he had one of them you wouldn't be on here complaining.

LadyVoldemort Tue 07-May-13 19:41:11

Yanbu. I forward plan our meals and hate it when DP says last minute that he'll be back late. It's a waste of a meal and very annoying!

YANBU.
I have asked mine to text me when he is leaving work and I can have a hope in hell of having some food ready for him and maybe he could eat with the rest of us once in a while.
But never mind, I suppose peanut butter sandwiches every night for his tea won't kill him!

I generally ring dp early on in the day to get a rough time he expects to be home, then plan around that. He was a bit late this evening so I just dished up for me and the kids and left his in the oven.

I used get stressed but I've had to learn to relax a bit, he's 60km away so even if he leaves work on time traffic could delay him.

You're better off just acting as if he won't be home, then it's a pleasant surprise if he is home and you don't get agitated if he isn't

Sprite21 Tue 07-May-13 19:51:50

YANBU, or if you are then I am too. But despite 2 years of asking it is always me who initiates the answer with a call or text.
It's just nice to know. Stalking? Ridiculous.

HighJinx Tue 07-May-13 19:57:56

I would say YABU unless he expects his meal to be ready on the table in front of him the minute he walks through the door, regardless of what time it is.

He is very busy at work with a deadline and it is highly likely he has no idea what time he will be home. Try and be a bit supportive while he's so busy rather than just adding to an already stressful situation for him.

Squitten Tue 07-May-13 20:01:15

I used to want my DH to do that but eventually accepted that it inevitably leads to frustrations.

Now we have a much simpler system where he's either "in" (coming home by about 8pm latest) or "out" working late/doesn't know what time he's coming home. On days he's out I just plan without him. It takes the pressure off him and means I'm not waiting around. Much better!

scaevola Tue 07-May-13 20:05:36

YANBU - it's basic courtesy to let your cohabitants know whether you are going to be in or out, so they can decide whether to eat at normal time or wait for you. If he did that, I would only take seconds to enquire if he'd be back in time for anything else planned for the evening.

OP WBU if she expected him to come home at a fixed time, or if she could not be flexible about things like dog walking and food prep. But it's definitely OK to know when he'll return (even if only so you know not to worry, catastrophise and start ringing hospitals).

LittleMissLucy Tue 07-May-13 20:08:39

yabu
he has a deadline ffs
assume he won't be back til late and carry on

Fairenuff Tue 07-May-13 20:10:59

Have you asked him to contact you each day and let you know roughly when he expects to be home?

LittleMissLucy Tue 07-May-13 20:11:59

you can't always do that if you have a deadline Fairenuff.

Shakey1500 Tue 07-May-13 20:14:33

100% what HighJinx posted.

Fairenuff Tue 07-May-13 20:14:49

you can't always do that if you have a deadline Fairenuff

What, make a 30 second phone call to say I won't be home til very late, don't wait up? Of course you can. Common courtesy.

CocktailQueen Tue 07-May-13 20:17:46

Either make something for tea that you can reheat for dh, or have stuff so he can make himself a sandwich. Take the dog out yourself and enjoy the evening. Chillax....

LittleMissLucy Tue 07-May-13 20:18:31

no, you can't always. It depends on the business you work in. If you're in a slow, low level company then maybe, but what if you have 3 calls ringing and people lined up outside your door and 100+ emails to wade through? A 30 second call in those circs is asking a bit much.

Tigresswoods Tue 07-May-13 20:19:14

Annoying. My DH can be like this at times & I have got annoyed in the past as I want to eat & need to know whether to wait or not.

However as someone else pointed out cook things you can eat & save for him or quickly knock up if/when he does come in.

There's nothing more annoying if you are working hard than to be disturbed.

Samu2 Tue 07-May-13 20:27:27

YANBU.

LaGuardia Tue 07-May-13 20:35:53

YABU. He doesn't need the added pressure of pandering to you.

Of course there may not be time to make a 30 second call.

When I am snowed under at work and under pressure the very last thing on my mind is whether DH should eat without me or whether he should walk the dog FFS.

A tight deadline is just that-a finite amount of time to complete a job.

Is it more important to tell someone to eat their dinner without you?
Do people not just eat when they are hungry?

scaevola Tue 07-May-13 20:39:01

If there's not time at desk, then phone from the loo. Even the maddest times I've worked, people manage to urinate in a loo, not a pot under the desk.

marriedinwhiteagain Tue 07-May-13 20:39:46

I'm not going to debate the rights and wrongs OP but even before I married DH I learnt that 7ish meant 9ish. It was perhaps easier because I knew he was entirely faithful and had I phoned him at work, on his work phone ( which in those days was the norm) I knew he was at his desk. And if he didn't answer there were other staff around. In some ways pre-mobile days were easier.

23 years on - it was worth letting him be a workaholic but not always easy with a young family. I used to eat with the chidlers and have a glass of wine with him when he got home.

He texted me five mins ago btw to say sorry but just leaving and I have been at a family funeral all day. I'll be pleased to see him in about 35-40 minutes!!

But to be honest if he is working to a deadline and the OP knows he is working to a deadline and he doesn't know what time he will finish, why would he need to call?
Surely the OP knows he is under pressure and doesn't know what time he is finishing? What's the bloody point of keep asking?

Tbh I would be pretty annoyed if DH was ringing me at work to ask me this.

Mintyy Tue 07-May-13 20:42:22

roffle at the swaggering about deadlines on this thread!

"He has a deadline ffs" grin

It takes 5 seconds or less to send a text saying "Home at x time"

LittleMissLucy Tue 07-May-13 20:45:04

There is of course the issue of not actually knowing when you'll be done and it being a total waste of work time to try and figure that out and stuff it into a text.

I'd be happy with "on my way home now" and I'd expect my DH to be happy with the same.

But what if you don't know what time you will be leaving work?

What if you have to stay at the office until stuff is finished?

Is it better to say ill be home at 7 but not actual be in until 9?

dyzzidi Tue 07-May-13 20:47:22

I think yabu. In my job if you are working to a deadline you may think you are five minutes from meeting it but then a problem hits and you are another couple of hours.

Get on with what you need to leave him a plate to microwave and leave him be.

IME if I text dh to say will be an hour but then am in a meeting with four people which is dragging on if I take a loo break to text him I will be another half hour the meeting is derailed and takes even longer and dh is pissed because I have messed him about.

I'm the one in my marriage that is likely to be late with DH at home cooking dinner, I work in a very hectic demanding environment and agree that it's good manners to call or send a quick text stating that you're going to be late, not sure till when but to ahead without you. I've been in meetings with extremely senior people where someone has made an apology to the group so they can quickly let their DP know that they were going to be late. Most people have absolutely no problems with this.

I think it's just general consideration to your DP no matter what your sex you are....

MrsOakenshield Tue 07-May-13 21:00:18

if you know he's working to a deadline then leave him to it and do your own thing. It's only till Thursday! Not for weeks on end! DH has an annual project where he has to do 2 weeks of 12/13/14 hour days - I don't expect a daily update. He'll be late. That's it. I sort me and DD out without reference to him and if he's back earlier, jolly good, he can have beans on toast.

ShadowStorm Tue 07-May-13 21:02:33

YANBU.

Agree it's good manners to let your DP know if you're going to be home much later than planned.

Obviously if someone's working to a deadline, they won't be sure when they'll be finished, but even so a quick "No idea when I'll be done, assume I won't be home till v. late, so carry on without me" text sometime during the day / evening would be considerate.

Fairenuff Tue 07-May-13 21:03:12

what if you have 3 calls ringing and people lined up outside your door and 100+ emails to wade through? A 30 second call in those circs is asking a bit much

I disagree. 30 seconds would not make a jot of difference to any deadline. No-one is that busy unless they are in the middle of open heart surgery or something equally life threatening.

Manners cost nothing. If you can't give 30 seconds to your nearest and dearest then you might need to reconsider your work/life balance.

Equally, the person the other end should also be respectful and ask the 'worker' to let them know if plans change, not just expect them to know that they want them to call. Which is why I was asking OP in the first place, if she had had that conversation with him or not.

LittleMissLucy Tue 07-May-13 21:04:33

You think no one is that busy Fairenuff but you don't actually know what a lot of people's work is like, first hand.

LittleMissLucy Tue 07-May-13 21:06:17

I'm bored of commenting. THis thread seems pretty polarized. Half think yabu and half think yanbu. Good luck working it all out op.

mrsjay Tue 07-May-13 21:06:27

Ok you need to eat wen your hungry take the dog out when he needs it but your husband needs to say if and when he will be home a text would do, even if he has no clue he really should tell you it is just manners imo, he probably doesn't know what time he will finish but a quick text, I do think you need to do things to suit yourself when he is working late I know I have to with my DH work id starve if i waited on him some nights

VerySmallSqueak Tue 07-May-13 21:09:28

Agree that you will do your own thing.
Leave him to do his own thing.

HollyBerryBush Tue 07-May-13 21:11:35

I'm always nonplussed at threads like this.

.

Beccadugs Tue 07-May-13 21:37:53

Thanks for everyone's views. As I have requested a rough idea of when he'll be home! Always nice to polarise opinion!!

livinginwonderland Tue 07-May-13 22:54:18

i can see both sides. if he's really busy with a deadline, that's what his focus will be, not texting or calling you.

however, if you're going to be cooking or have things to do, it's only polite that he lets you know if he'll be really late.

DP always texts me if he'll finish late so that i can plan accordingly, and it only takes seconds. so, i would say YANBU, but i can see where DH is coming from too.

LooseyMy Tue 07-May-13 23:09:44

As a long term singleton threads like this amaze me. Do some people cease to function independently when in relationships? Why should his hometime affect you doing any of those things?

chattychattyboomba Tue 07-May-13 23:16:20

I agree with you to an extent OP. being in a relationship means you co- exist. It may sound old fashioned but this involves considering that someone may be trying to fit their life around you too so that you may spend more time together. Alone time is important but why should you have to wait around not knowing if and when someone will show up?

Joiningthegang Tue 07-May-13 23:20:28

Yabu

DoJo Wed 08-May-13 00:14:49

I love the idea that wanting to know whether you will be able to share some time with the person you love is stalkerish. Even if he is caught up in his work, coming home should be something he is looking forward to and thinking about at least enough to drop you a text.

foreverondiet Wed 08-May-13 07:07:09

I agree to a certain extent but I am used to this and DH knows I eat at 8pm at the latest. I often stick his serving in fridge - he eats it another time.

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