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AIBU and need to get a grip on myself?

(60 Posts)
SoleSource Mon 06-May-13 15:56:51

I am single Mum' aged 39, very overweight. DS is 14, blind Autistic, naughy' behavioural issues. The few friend's i have i rarely see and the have their.own problems.

I am always alone, no.job, on benefits, house is a shitty mess, no motivation to clean.

Mu DS spends all his time at home in bed.
I feel really alone and low.

I am better off than some i this wotld. Maybe i'm judt a fat, slob.

SoleSource Mon 06-May-13 15:57:26

No 'naughty' behavioural issues.

RiotsNotDiets Mon 06-May-13 15:57:53

Are there any support groups you could join?

SoleSource Mon 06-May-13 15:59:48

Guess so as i live in B'ham. But i have no motivation and one night to myself every other week.

McNewPants2013 Mon 06-May-13 16:04:46

I assume you are getting DLA and careers allowance, if not then please cliam.

Use that money to hire a cleaner, because it will make your life easier.

Then see if there is support groups you can join, the one I go to is amazing they do day trips and organise events that are closed off to the public ( some free some at a cost) but its worth it because it means you can get out a bit more.

Also as a career you should be able in most places to get in free.

McNewPants2013 Mon 06-May-13 16:07:44

Motivation is the key, set your self tiny mananagable task.

Like go to the local shops pick up a newspaper come home and read that paper.

SoleSource Mon 06-May-13 16:08:00

We do get DLA and Carers. I just found out that we are entitled to child tax credits, after fourteen years of believing we were not after being told tjis by the tax credit staff. That money would have changed our life. Awaiting award letter

Hey sole haven't seen you for ages (Alien here, don't know if you knew NC)

I think support groups would be ideal for you, Mums in the same situation, and maybe you could take DS too, get him out and about?

Regards the cleaning etc, mine gets me down too, but I do the 15 minute burst thing, and then chill for 10 or 40!

I'm also trying desperately to low carb, have cut out bread etc, it's just beer I can't say no to!! But am starting The bastard shred tomo, it's free on you-tube, if you want to be low carb or shred buddies??

giraffacake Mon 06-May-13 16:12:26

With regards to the messy house-

Why don't you start by cleaning just one room? Don't think of everything at once because then it'll seem like an absolutely ginormous task and you'll have even less motivation. Say you're going to do one room today and just do it! You'll feel a bit better from just having accomplished something.
GO GO GO you can do it.

Montybojangles Mon 06-May-13 16:19:47

Are you having treatment for depression? If not you may benefit from talking to your gp, as this may be part of the cycle you are trapped in right now.
Score yourself on this to get an idea of whether you might be suffering from depression. http://www.patient.co.uk/doctor/Patient-Health-Questionnaire-(PHQ-9).htm

Hope you can get some support for you and your family soon

Montybojangles Mon 06-May-13 16:20:04
SoleSource Mon 06-May-13 16:28:00

I scoted 8. Mild depression. But if i am out of the housr with people who czbn talk and have sight i feel OK

I truly belivr my DS is the cause.

Its so boting

SoleSource Mon 06-May-13 16:30:15

I just get low and am sick of being his Carer. I need a long break or maybe better off living apart

HollyBerryBush Mon 06-May-13 16:32:37

This wont go down well - don't all leap on me for suggesting it - I come from the angle of an old school friend who had a son with CF (and some other medical complications) - eventually she couldn't look after him; her health and sanity suffered dreadfully with so little day to day help with him. She eventually had to put him into residential care when he was14. Is that an option you would consider?

If you believe your DS is the root cause of your depression, it may be the solution.

Tweasels Mon 06-May-13 16:33:22

Are there any local charities that could help you with respite care. Maybe take your son out for the day now and again to give you some time to get yourself together.

I thought he was getting some respite time sole?

SoleSource Mon 06-May-13 16:37:29

Thank you Holly. I have almost got to the end of my tether. I have no life. A blind Autistic child, he is taller than i am.nowat 5'10. He is so sweet, quiet, loviig but always in bed. Still in pads and shits a lot and i am sick of my hands reeking of crap.

SoleSource Mon 06-May-13 16:38:27

I have called the disability social worker.

JammyDodger1 Mon 06-May-13 16:41:53

Hey Sole I remember you, I am sorry you are feeling like this thanks
and you are not a fat slob at all just need a little help.

I have no experience with autistic children, but mild depression I have had myself and it's difficult to try and feel better about yourself.

Small changes can make a difference and really boost your confidence.
Slightly adjusting you eating habits can help with weight loss, when the carers are there can you get out and go for a walk now the weather getting abit better?

Is there a Mumsnet local meet up you could look into?

DolomitesDonkey Mon 06-May-13 16:43:46

I hope you don't mind, but I read a post earlier today where you'd made a typo "too big to love" and you'd meant to say "too big to move".

I think you were right the first time. When I was your weight I'd lost the ability to love - I'd stopped loving myself and had no capacity for anyone else.

I think you need to start loving yourself a little bit at a time and that you probably need a hand hold to start.

An always happy to chat by pm for practical advice, tips and an understanding ear. X

magimedi Mon 06-May-13 16:44:28

I have called the disability social worker.

I am glad to hear that. I so hope that you get the help you need and deserve. flowers

SoleSource Mon 06-May-13 16:45:27

Hi jammy smile

Isn't it odd that after writingthe thread and getting replies i feel better. IT IS not having anybody to chat to.

What treatments are there for me if my lowness is about my circumstances and not brzin.

Just i am wasting life, even though ly DS needs me, maybe he might be happier elsewhere. He loved his two nights a week.

SoleSource Mon 06-May-13 16:47:19

Lol dolomites i thought the same thing!

I guess my eating is my comfort as i am always alone

JammyDodger1 Mon 06-May-13 16:54:52

So we need to think of something else to occupy you instead of eating smile

Well, MN for one, as you are never alone on here, but what other things do you like to do?

Maybe cooking? You could start growing your own herbs or veg?

You don't need a massive area a window sill will do or patio and then experiment with what you grow.

Tiny changes really will help smile

SoleSource Mon 06-May-13 16:55:22

Thank you magi x

SoleSource Mon 06-May-13 16:57:24

Jammy did you take anti depressants? Will they help me for circumstantial depression.

NaturalBaby Mon 06-May-13 17:02:14

What used to drive you and motivate you? Something creative? Further study?
You need short term goals and longer term goals to work towards that will give you a sense of achievement and pride in yourself as an individual - you are not just your Ds's mother and carer but it's really hard to carve out some time for yourself, not impossible though!
Do you get any respite care?

SoleSource Mon 06-May-13 17:11:28

Once every other week. Overnight.

3.30pm to 2.30pm next day

JammyDodger1 Mon 06-May-13 17:12:17

I took them years ago when dd2 was born as it was a really difficult time with lots of things, but they did nothing for me I'm afraid, but that's not to say they won't for you but I would like to think tablets be a last resort.

I'm no expert but you call it Circumstantial depression and that really says to me circumstances need to change to help you, and I really am no expert but am always willing to chat if you can put up with my drivel grin

Sole I had the same problem (depressed & demotivated) for different reasons.

I am slowly trying to get on top of things by not looking at the whole messy house but in bite size chunks. That has really helped.

Also by recognising bad days & just setting myself a tiny target, shower,wash hair & clean clothes.

On better days I target one area of decluttering, take a black bin liner, and a box, do the Flylady thing, bin it or recycle it. Just for one area or 15 minutes whichever you can cope with.

It's taking bloody forever but I CAN start to see a difference.

I have a dog too so I HAVE to get out with her every day & that helped me tremendously. (Not suggesting getting one!) but even a short walk outside every day to the shop for a paper maybe, if someone can sit with your boy especially now the weather is better can really lift the spirits. You should be able to get respite for that I would think? Maybe not every day but a few times a week. Do you have a SW for support?

I found gradually I could do a bit further & further without needing to get home or feeling knackered. Still long way to go but little victories!

One step at a time, sweetie it's bloody hard for you.

Keep chatting to us.

HollyBerryBush Mon 06-May-13 17:15:47

sole your whole situation has become a cycle.

One thing has to "give" in that cycle - it may be an extended period of respite residential care, it may be that when you get your finances straight you can afford a carer or cleaner to come in regularly.

Little steps n'all that.

But if you are feeling this low, you need to see a doctor. You've already called SS, pressure them for more help. Whilst you do the lions share, the state will be more than happy for you to do that and you will get no intervention.

I'm not well read enough to do anything other than generalise, just give you some pointers.

JammyDodger1 Mon 06-May-13 17:17:25

You know what Bossy I was thinking a dog might be an idea, company and exercise smile

HollyBerryBush Mon 06-May-13 17:20:28

But a dog will be a bigger burden? If Sole only gets minimum respite care, how is she going to exercise a dog? Who will sit with the lad?

Finances are tight, buying it, feeding it, chipping it, inoculating it, and so forth.

Things would have to change dramatically before the idea of a dog is mooted!

SoleSource Mon 06-May-13 17:22:45

Thzank ypu Bossy x

Holly you are dead right!

I do not like my neighbour and have put off going out for walks oncase i see her, i am on Homeswapper trying to move out.

SoleSource Mon 06-May-13 17:24:06

A dog is too much needs caring for and i don't want that yet

If we get child tax credits o can do so much more.

JammyDodger1 Mon 06-May-13 17:26:59

Yes, sorry, maybe a dog not the thing at the moment was just thinking out loud.

SoleSource Mon 06-May-13 17:27:53

Jammy do you think i should just.let.the social worker see the state of my hous

Does your ds have an individual budget? Do you get carers to take him out? He really shouldn't be spending all his time in bed. What's his school like?

Have a think about residential school. I had to go through that with my ds (autistic with behavioral problems!). He's really happy there and I have energy at the weekends when he comes home.

Please make it clear to the SW that you CANNOT carry on like this <identifies with the endless pooing emoticon> x

JammyDodger1 Mon 06-May-13 17:29:37

Is your thinking behind that so the SW sees you are not coping well?

I'm sure your SW has seen much worse Sole and at least you are acknowledging there is a problem and asking for support which always looks positive.

There may be solutions you haven't thought/heard of, but please ask.

HollyBerryBush Mon 06-May-13 17:32:37

sole I think you should. I'm surprised with the level of care your son needs, they aren't popping in regularly. Nothing untoward will happen, I know the SS get a lot of bad press, but they are there to help.

SoleSource Mon 06-May-13 17:33:12

tallwiv i think getting him to residential school will be a nightlare but i'm going to try, endless pooing like a hobby..

Yes, jammy sad

So embarrassing and fear i will be fobbed off, monitored and trezyed likr a two year old

MrsDeVere Mon 06-May-13 17:36:54

I was going to suggest residential school as an option.
It is hard to get the funding but it could be the making of you both.
Lots of kids with ASD thrive in the controlled and predictable environment of a good specialised school.

JammyDodger1 Mon 06-May-13 17:38:33

Aw Love, yes then, like holly says, they are there to help but I know how you feel,
I felt like that when midwives came round after dc were born and spent all morning cleaning to look like the perfect mother but you have to show then an accurate picture so they know how best to help you, and they won't judge you at all, they are there to help thanks

Would it help you to write down some questions for them?
Whenever I am on a situation I know I will feel uncomfortable with I need a plan or I forget things I wanted to say/ask.

SoleSource Mon 06-May-13 17:38:35

smile MrsDevere

I want to apply for residential school for me too. Get out of this stale life

RedHelenB Mon 06-May-13 17:38:44

I take it your son is at school for six hours every day so you have that time to yourself? Use that time to join a group & make new friends or to spend say an hour a day tackling one part of your house. If your son is mainly in his bedroom then presumably it is your mess in the rest of the house so if you get a grip on that you will feel better. And lastly, make sure you go out for a walk every day - nothing like fresh air to beat the blues.

JammyDodger1 Mon 06-May-13 17:47:03

When is SW coming Sole smile

SoleSource Mon 06-May-13 17:50:13

True Helen smile thank you

Called her on Friday, jammy no reply yet

Hope child protection doesn't get involved.

All i need is that

RedHelenB Mon 06-May-13 17:58:35

Why would CP get involved - you're caring for him. But untidy houses do get you down ( mine currently a real mess but will get to grips with it tomorrow pm when I'm back from work & kids are at school)

JammyDodger1 Mon 06-May-13 18:00:24

I'm not sure how long they take to reply either, but don't get ahead of yourself and start worrying about things that haven't happened.

Firstly, a boost of confidence is required to make you feel better about yourself and the rest can come later, baby steps remember?

The beauty of being on here is you have lots of advice at your finger tips from a massive range of people with all sorts of experience in many many areas and are happy to help and encourage you in any way they can.
smile

hellhasnofurylikeahungrywoman Mon 06-May-13 18:40:13

Hey Sole, if I were closer I'd be round with cake and wine/coffee/tea/gin/drink of choice. Respite care for kids with autism is hard to come by and that is wrong. Do you use the National Autistic Society at all?

magimedi Mon 06-May-13 19:55:03

Wish I was closer to you, Sole. I'd come round & give you a hand.

You sound like a great person. It takes great courage to post about your problems on an open forum, and I really admire you for that.

Sadly, I'm a long way away from you, but if there is anything I can do to help in any way, just post or pm.

I've so enjoyed some of your more lighthearted posts on other threads.

wine - 'cos it's time for that.

IvanaCake Mon 06-May-13 21:16:29

Sole I am in Birmingham too smile

I just got rid of my youngest to nursery for 2.5 days a week so I have time on my hands. I would gladly come and help you clean or take you out for cake. Genuine offer.

I'm a regular name changer but have been here for years smile

MrsDeVere Mon 06-May-13 21:23:12

CP shouldn't get involved Sole
SS will ask you loads of questions and they will want to know how/if you are coping etc
But thats cos they have to work out if you meet the threshold for help.

It sounds like they have not being keeping up with their statutory responsibilities when it comes to your son. He has significant disabilities yet they have not assessed him or you?

That is pretty bad tbh.

You sound like you could do with some advocacy to help you get the services you need. Local disability/carers orgs?

SoleSource Tue 07-May-13 08:24:14

Hi

I am ok today, DS excited for school and i just had a lovely guy call me about some gym equipment.

I feel good,.back to my old self agzin

Going to tidy up and have czlled SW again.

I just need to be less harsh on mysellf

I'm going to keep a Carers diary in the Carer's section if allowed

magimedi Tue 07-May-13 11:35:28

Very pleased to hear that you are feeling better.

everlong Tue 07-May-13 12:20:35

Sorry to read that you've felt so low.

But glad today is brighter and more positive.

Do call your SW. flowers

JammyDodger1 Tue 07-May-13 12:27:55

Aw Sole I am pleased to hear that this morning let us know how you get on today
thanks

sole im glad you are feeling better.

Keep posting though, it might make you feel better to know that people care and understand.

Hope you hear from SW soon.

SoleSource Tue 07-May-13 13:47:50

I do feel better today, thanl you all for your support xx

I'm cleaning

Don't faint!!

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