To think it's unfair that DH tries to dictate what I can watch on TV?

(83 Posts)
YummyCalpol Sun 05-May-13 23:11:14

DH and I like totally different tv programmes. He likes sport, fly on the wall police shows, action films, that kind of thing, and I guess I like female programmes; OBEM, America's Next Top Model, and shows like the Apprentice (I know, I know, don't judge me)

Every night DH has the remote control glued to his hand and every night we watch what he wants to watch. If there's anything I want to watch I have to either sky plus it and stay up late to watch when he's in bed, or wait until he's dozed off in the chair (and even then he sometimes gets arsey if I turn over).

Quite frequently he'll decide there's 'nothing on' and just put sport on. He never asks me if there's anything I would like to watch and if ever I say there's something i'd like to watch he gets huffy.

What's annoyed me now is that lately he's started imposing conditions about what I can and can't watch when he's asleep in the chair. We have spent all evening with his programmes on, he just dozed off and I asked for the remote control and he said 'it depends what you want on, you can't watch OBEM or any model type shows or reality shows'.

I got really cross and said that he has no right to impose conditions upon what I watch, and that he has more than his fair share of watching his own programmes, and that if I have to abide by viewing rules to suit him then the same must apply to him! As per usual when I raise anything I'm not happy with he just didn't even reply to me, just looked away and went back to sleep.

CSIJanner Sun 05-May-13 23:17:20

YANBU - find the make and model of the remote, buy off eBay and then have fun, randomly changing channels when he least expects it, say, midgoal.

Failing that, remove all batteries and leave sky locked to Sky1 or FiveUS

somedayma Sun 05-May-13 23:19:37

Yanbu. Massive lack of respect for you sad

AgentZigzag Sun 05-May-13 23:22:56

'he's started imposing conditions about what I can and can't watch when he's asleep in the chair.'

WTF??

The only way that could be anything approaching reasonable was if it was banter and he was pulling your leg.

Anything else is just controlling and creepy.

As is him just fucking you off to go back to sleep.

MaryRobinson Sun 05-May-13 23:24:00

Fucking Hell. Are there other ways in which he utterly disregards you?

AgentZigzag Sun 05-May-13 23:24:12

Any other situations where he thinks this kind of shite is OK?

Jinsei Sun 05-May-13 23:24:15

Yanbu. Since when did he get appointed to censor your viewing?! Is he controlling of you in other ways? I would not tolerate this!

PelvicFloorClenchReminder Sun 05-May-13 23:24:18

Ask him how he'd like to watch OBEM with the remote control shoved up his arse.

He is B extremely U, and, going by your OP, doesn't seem to have a particularly high opinion of you sad

MaryMotherOfCheeses Sun 05-May-13 23:24:56

He's being very weird and controlling.

In the meantime, iPlayer and a set of headphones.

AnyFucker Sun 05-May-13 23:25:03

Never mind the telly, your H is a nasty twat and you would do well to DTF

YummyCalpol Sun 05-May-13 23:29:34

He is disrespectful to me in some ways; if ever I raise anything that I'm not happy with he just ignores me and pretends I haven't spoken.

He also gets moody and sometimes I feel a bit frightened to tell him things or to not do as he says as the moods aren't worth it. He's also quite critical of jobs I do in the house

YouTheCat Sun 05-May-13 23:30:26

My ex used to do this. On the odd occasions I did watch Big Brother, or whatever it was I fancied, he would huff and puff and talk through it and then tell me loudly how shit it all was.

He was a twat. Your dh sounds like a twat.

Get rid or get a second tv.

YouTheCat Sun 05-May-13 23:30:56

X post - yummy LTB.

PeneloPeePitstop Sun 05-May-13 23:31:18

Cancel the sports channels? wink

YummyCalpol Sun 05-May-13 23:33:05

The thing is, I've tried to speak to him so many times about how he makes me feel anxious and nervous if I don't do as he says, but he refuses to listen to me and just says 'that's your problem, I'm not having this conversation as the way you feel is nothing to do with me'

squoosh Sun 05-May-13 23:33:39

What a lovely 1950s husband you're shackled to hmm

Get your own telly and tell him to fuck right off.

squoosh Sun 05-May-13 23:34:28

'the way you feel is nothing to do with me'

What an absolute cock. Does he have any good points?

Euphemia Sun 05-May-13 23:35:02

There's a much bigger picture here, this is not about TV. sad It sounds like he has zero respect for you. Do you have children? Has he always been like this?

MaryMotherOfCheeses Sun 05-May-13 23:35:29

Hmm. This isn't just about the telly. He does sound very controlling.

AgentZigzag Sun 05-May-13 23:35:59

That's quite a few ways he acts as though he's the boss of you Yummy.

What is it that makes you frightened about his moods?

Does he just blank you? If he does, how long can that last?

What would happen if you rammed the mop head up his arse told him to fuck off and do the jobs in the house himself if he doesn't think you're up to fucking scratch?

YummyCalpol Sun 05-May-13 23:36:20

we have three children; age 14, 7 and 3. I've been a SAHM since I had the 7 year old. He wasn't like this before I was a SAHM but as soon as a I gave up my career (which was our decision/choice not solely mine) it has been a downward slope of disrespect, which has got worse probably in the last 2 years

AgentZigzag Sun 05-May-13 23:37:46

'I'm not having this conversation as the way you feel is nothing to do with me'

That's not a good thing for your DH to feel is acceptable to say to you.

Why are you with him if he's so detached he doesn't care how you feel?

YummyCalpol Sun 05-May-13 23:38:15

I think the sulking and bad atmosphere makes me nervous, Agent. And then him trying to blame me for any atmosphere or telling me that it's my fault because I started it.

My parents were very strict and controlling (long story) and I felt constantly frightened as a child and teenager as I used to get hit if I disobeyed them, and disobeying to them isn't the same meaning that most of us have about what disobeying means if you get my drift. Basically I walked on egg shells and couldn't do a thing right. It feels the same way at home these days, minus the getting hit of course

AgentZigzag Sun 05-May-13 23:39:09

Does his behaviour make you care about how he feels Yummy?

YummyCalpol Sun 05-May-13 23:40:38

Not really Agent.

I think it's just that I find the sulking impossible to cope with. I hate any bad feelings or feeling that anyone is ever in a bad mood with me. And he always finds some way to project it back onto me

LooseyMy Sun 05-May-13 23:42:31

Get another tv in another room and watch what you want in peace.

AgentZigzag Sun 05-May-13 23:43:08

I had a similar controlling, 'could cut the atmosphere with a knife' childhood, it does make you nervous and a bit approval seeking.

But you're not in the same powerless situation you were in then, you would be completely within your right to tell him to fuck right off with his opinions on your housework techniques.

He seems under the impression you're his to discipline as he sees fit.

That's not right.

YummyCalpol Sun 05-May-13 23:44:11

If I told him to fuck off he'd just sulk though and try to turn it round onto me. He asks me why I'm getting myself so worked up and he was only expressing an opinion and he can't believe I'm acting that way

YummyCalpol Sun 05-May-13 23:45:27

One Sunday morning he started having a go at me as there was a lot of ironing to be done and I ended up getting really upset and he kept saying 'is this for real? is this really happening? I can't believe we're even having this conversation and that you're acting this way'

CoalDustWoman Sun 05-May-13 23:49:57

Who does he think he is?

Can you buy yourself a lovely smart TV and a freeview recorder for your bedroom? You watching it will bring your problems out in the open, given that you'll never spend any time together, but at least you'll be watching what you want.

He's not very kind, is he?

zipzap Sun 05-May-13 23:50:02

sad sounds like a massive red flag for what he thinks of you and how much he values you in comparison to himself (ie not much).

Has he always been like this? And is he like this in other areas of life too - do you always cook what he wants to eat, when he wants to eat it, have sex when and how he wants it and so on? If so, it sounds like he is using you as an unpaid slave to make his life easier rather than seeing you as an equal partner in life to love and cherish.

What would happen if you were to treat him like a toddler as somebody saying something strange and say 'don't be so bloody ridiculous, you're not my boss, we're equals and if you're asleep then of course I'm going to watch what i want to watch on the TV. And if i can't watch what I want to watch, then you don't get to watch [insert his most favourite programmes here]. or that you need to get multi-room so you can both watch what you want when you want...'.

You also need to tell him that the way you feel is everything to do with him - he is the one that is doing this to you. if you moderate your own behaviour or what you discuss with him because you dread his reactions then that is really worrying. That's not a nice normal relationship and it's not something that anybody should have to live with.

I'm not usually somebody to shout LTB on threads - but given the way he is treating you, it would certainly be something to think about. Or at least start making plans so that if things become worse then you have practicalities covered in advance. Everything from starting a secret savings account that you can squirrel away money into, to copies of any of his wageslips or bank account details (I think from reading on here that they need to be ones that you would normally have access to, rather than ones that you've found in locked drawers but I'm sure others can give much better advice on this than I can).

good luck...

LadyBeagleEyes Sun 05-May-13 23:50:28

My ex was like this.
We had a daily paper and he'd sit with a highlighter pen marking out his telly watching for every night.
If I said, well I actually want to watch this, he'd accuse me of just trying to be awkward hmm.
We even got Sky plus but then he'd highlight what he was going to watch and what he was going to record.
Bloody Hell the rows, and one of the many reasons we split up.
I now have full control of the remote grin

CoalDustWoman Sun 05-May-13 23:52:35

Well, exactly. Why on earth was he doing having that conversation?

I hope you've stopped doing his ironing.

Helpyourself Sun 05-May-13 23:55:05

It's only tv, but that and the other things you've mentioned paint a very sad picture. You're an adult. No healthy relationship is like this with him standing over you complaining about the ironing.
Divorce him. You'll be happier and your dcs will have a chance of not replicating this farce of a marriage.

AgentZigzag Sun 05-May-13 23:58:24

Trying to turn it round into it being your responsibility is something used by a lot of people, I refuse to play the game.

Is it your childhood do you think that makes you respond by getting upset rather than angry? Because I would be furious at the cheek of the man and am wondering why you're not.

You are not responsible for his behaviour in any way, he's an adult and chooses for himself how he's going to act, and the bits you've described are pretty shoddy.

Not talking while both people cool down is a world away from deliberately isolating another person to point score and win the game.

DrCoconut Mon 06-May-13 00:04:31

"Minus the getting hit of course"

For now. Controllers seldom improve and usually get worse. My ex controlled what we watched, what we ate, where we went, my appearance and interests and when there was nothing else to take charge of he started getting violent. So it kind of started with "let me watch Star Trek and I won't get moody" and ended with "I'm going to do what the hell I like and if you so much as speak I'll thump you." I remember the fear and the walking on eggshells to avoid upsetting him. I did things that I would consider mad usually. Luckily I found the strength to LTB and consider it the best move I made. Please be careful that this doesn't become more serious abuse.

LondonNinja Mon 06-May-13 00:04:48

Of course YANBU and it sounds like the tip of a nasty iceberg. Who the hell does he think he is?!
Get angry; pull yourself out of your conditioned behaviour that your abusive parents instilled in you. You are a grown woman worthy of respect. You are not his fucking slave or some invisible force that comes and goes, doing the cooking and cleaning in her wake.
Life's too short, Yummy. He's taking the piss in a massive way. To get respect, you need to act as though you deserve it (which you do). The question is, is he worth trying to move forwards with?

zipzap Mon 06-May-13 00:06:53

Just read what you've posted about the ironing conversation and him saying 'is this for real?'

shocksad

Hopefully you were able to say that exact same thing back to him - how on earth is ironing your sole responsibility and how does he think he has the right to dictate that you do it when he thinks you should!!! Even though you are SAHM, doesn't give him the right to dictate everything you do.

Now that you have recognised that he does seem to be excessively controlling and that you don't like to have people having bad feelings toward you or be sulky, and that as a result he knows he can control the situation just by projecting stuff back onto you, is there anything you feel up to doing to start to break this cycle and see if you can make life better for yourself?

What would he say if you suggested going to Relate?

when he is twisting the argument back around to you, could you work out a phrase to use to try to stop him in his tracks - 'Oh no, don't throw it back at me again to switch it away from you' or 'we'll discuss this again when you've calmed down and grown up so we can talk it through like adults, it's not going to work when you behave like a sulky toddler'.

He has no compunction in saying or doing horrible things to you - so do you think you could give him a bit of his own medicine. For example, if he is critical about something you do in the house, could you try to mirror that back to him and also say that he does something badly too?

And as a start, how about going through Sky and setting reminders for all the things you would like to watch but don't have enough space to record. That way the message would pop up to show that there is something to watch - if he's just put sport on because there's nothing else then you just need to grab the control and say for a change it's my turn, I'm fed up of sport/etc every bloody night.

at least that way, it would be the sky box that is doing the reminding of the stuff you want, so it would be a reminder to him that there are two of you that want to watch stuff, not just him. even if he goes through and removes all your stuff - then that's a good point to start the discussion about how he values you and your opinions vs his own.

cricketballs Mon 06-May-13 00:08:02

this is why we have multi room as we don't agree that often on what is watchable grin we take it in turns to sit in the kitchen or living room when I am watching my shit or he is going to watch some crap I can't stand!

shock what an arse. havent rtft but what about getting your own tv? im sure someone has already sugested this though

i have more control over the tv than my dh and we have totally different tastes too. but if he wanted to watch something then he can. i can mostly watch what i miss ondemand when he's at work.

LondonNinja Mon 06-May-13 00:14:04

Different tv tastes don't give this idiot the right to treat Yummy like a non person. I'd buy a new tv and shove it up his backside...

AgentZigzag Mon 06-May-13 00:15:33

This is possibly reading between the lines too much, but do you go along with his assessment of you and get upset because you feel he's right to some extent and maybe you deserve the kick up the arse he's so helpful in giving you?

YummyCalpol Mon 06-May-13 00:20:49

Agent, I think I'm just so anxious and keen to avoid any bad feeling that I just do what he says and try to please him to avoid any further rows.

I find myself doing things and thinking 'he'll be so impressed/pleased' when he sees everything I've done, but of course it never is noticed, only the things that I've not done

StuntGirl Mon 06-May-13 00:21:46

Forget extra tv's and multiroom - get yourself a nicer life away from this knob cheese.

squoosh Mon 06-May-13 00:23:11

But your attempts at avoiding bad feeling haven't helped you much so far. In fact I'd go so far as it lets him know he's the one in control.

MrsPoglesWood Mon 06-May-13 00:24:21

I think the OP needs more fundamental advice than a second telly or Sky Multi-room. I suspect that this situation goes well beyond squabbles about Top Gear versus Call The Midwife from her posts.

OP he sounds like a total arse and from what you say it goes well beyond telly viewing. Perhaps you should ask MNHQ to move this thread to 'Relationships' where you will get the advice you need about what is really going on.

And for what it's worth, I pay for our Sky subscription. We share it equally. We might have good natured jokes about each other's programme choices being naff but it never results in bullying or abuse. Ever.

StuntGirl Mon 06-May-13 00:30:07

Well exactly wood. My partner watches godawful Japanese anime, I watch boring political things, we both just leave the other to it when we're watching our own thing. And try and compromise occasionally!

AgentZigzag Mon 06-May-13 00:37:49

You can of course post where you like, but have you thought about posting about him in the relationships part of MN?

What you're saying does seem to be a very familiar pattern to the way a lot of other men behave, which suggests he's deliberately using certain techniques to belittle you in order to get something he values, like feeling the big man because you're being deferential to him or going all out to please him.

If you've been noticing it over the last two years, this isn't something that's going to go away.

Does you posting about it here mean you've got to a place where you're realising it's him and not you and feeling that perhaps you're not going to put up with that?

Monty27 Mon 06-May-13 00:41:56

Make him a man cave, tell him to get his own tv and enjoy your space.

Oh and tell him to do the ironing himself.

If that doesn't work ltb

Is there anything nice about him shock

OrangeFootedScrubfowl Mon 06-May-13 01:06:08

He doesn't sound like he makes your life better to be honest. He is taking advantage of your nature to get everything his own way with no care as to your feelings. He sounds like a pig. sad

Grinkly Mon 06-May-13 04:02:31

You might be 'anxious to avoid bad feeling' but in fact being a complete wooss and pandering to his horrible behavior is just feeding the situation.

And don't try to persuade him to change or to be reasonable as you can't change anyone else you can only change yourself.

So next time he flicks channels snatch the remote off him and say you had your choice yesterday now it's mine. And if he dares to complain you can tell him to piss off upstairs, it's you turn tonight, or similarly unexpected response.

You should perhaps mention to eldest DC that 'Mum's fed up with watching sport, I'm watching my channels tonight', so that you are able to raise your voice without causing mayhem in the house.

He is being a twat and you need to call him on it. The louder the better. From your OP it is obvious you've had enough so now do something to change the dynamics.

myroomisatip Mon 06-May-13 04:47:30

My ex was like this and it got progressively worse.

He would even delete programmes recorded on Sky before I had had a chance to watch them and I was the one paying for Sky!

Like you I was afraid of upsetting him, hated bad atmospheres.

I think your DP is being abusive.

wildspinning Mon 06-May-13 04:57:49

This is emotional abuse. If you head over to Relationships you'll find lots of very helpful advice from others who have been in this situation. Also, a really good book is Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft. Your DH is a controlling and manipulative abuser sad

Kiwiinkits Mon 06-May-13 05:42:05

TV is very passe don't you know. Get an i-pad with MySky (or UK equivalent). Then take it off into your room and watch whatever you want on your own terms. Life is too short (and better technology is too prevalent) to argue over the TV.

Kiwiinkits Mon 06-May-13 05:47:00

some bigger questions to ask yourself. Do you want to be a SAHM anymore? Do you think if you worked that respect would return? Do you respect yourself? Do you put yourself first sometimes? What are your goals-for YOURSELF - this year? What have you got to challenge you? What are you planning on doing to extend yourself?

I honestly think if this TV thing is becoming a big issue then perhaps getting out of the house more might be a solution. Learn a language? Join a swimming group or a choir or volunteer somewhere. Just get out of the house. You might find the love and respect comes back from him when you love and respect yourself.

This may be a massive extrapolation. If it is, I'm sorry. Just don't LTB for the sake of a disputes over who gets to watch what on the TV. Keep that in perspective.

maddening Mon 06-May-13 06:19:12

Is the 14yr old his dc? As in you link it to starting when you becoming a sahm but if the 7year old is his first that is often a trigger for abuse to start and he sounds abusive - mentally and emotionally.

AllOverIt Mon 06-May-13 06:28:13

This goes beyond the TV. There are more fundamental questions you need to be asking yourself. Do you want to be in this relationship any more? With a man who shows you such utter contempt?

You deserve better sad

Branleuse Mon 06-May-13 06:33:25

he considers you staff. not a partner

tumbletumble Mon 06-May-13 06:34:50

He sounds awful. I'm a SAHM and I couldn't do it if I felt that my role in the family wasn't valued just as much as much as DH's. Your DH sounds like an arrogant twat.

ivanapoo Mon 06-May-13 06:37:37

Buy a second tv and put it in the new house you're going to move into with your DC. If you need motivation think of the unhealthy relationship example you are setting them.

Interesting that it got worse when no 3 when to school I presume. Does he say things like "what do you DO all day?" too?

Xales Mon 06-May-13 08:44:34

Seeing though he is in every evening watching TV get yourself some counselling sessions booked to work on your childhood and how it has affected you.

Get yourself onto some courses. Refresh/retrain for a job and make yourself less dependent.

Hercy Mon 06-May-13 10:54:45

You can download a sky+ app which means you can change the channel from your iPad/phone.

Also download sky go and watch what you like.

Apileofballyhoo Tue 07-May-13 11:51:51

Assuming he knows about your abusive childhood he should be the one going out of his way not to upset you by criticising you. Do you have anyone to confide in?

I was like you OP. You do not have to put up with this. Would you wish a partner like your DH for your DCs when they grow up? Ask him if he dislikes you so much why does he stay.

Callycat Tue 07-May-13 17:26:27

Kiwi, I have no doubt that you meant well with your advice, but are you aware that your post implies that OP is in some way responsible for the way this man treats her? It is HIS attitude that needs examining, not hers.

OP, I have had a degree of experience of this. I know the walking-on-eggshells, being unable to predict what the next temper explosion will be triggered by. You've had sone excellent advice - I just want you to keep in mind, always, that his behaviour is not a reaction to anything you do - it comes from within him and only he can fix it.

OneToThree Tue 07-May-13 18:11:23

My first ever LTB.

TheCraicDealer Tue 07-May-13 18:23:02

If you're near me i'll collect him, the telly and the sky box and leave them somewhere remote.

LouiseSmith Tue 07-May-13 18:37:01

I would personally leave him with his TV and find yourself a real man. Controlling is never a good sign.

Or toss the remote out the window.

x

DisappointedHorse Tue 07-May-13 18:59:23

My first husband was like this, I couldn't do anything right and he was a controlling, selfish arse.

He would control what we watched, what we ate, what music we listened to (God forbid I bought a CD without his approval!) if he was tired then I had to go to bed too. One NYE he made us go to bed at 7pm jut to prove a point and stop me having any fun. If I ate something he didn't like (such as marmite on toast for breakfast) he'd shout at me in public about how my breath stank just to humiliate me.

I understand the walking on eggshells and wanting to keep the peace. I did see the light eventually and left the bastard. Oddly, he knew when I no longer gave a shit what he thought and had a total 180 degree attitude change. It was too late by then though.

The TV is the thin end of the wedge by the sound of it OP. While absolutely none of this is your fault, doing something to build your confidence a bit is not a bad idea. Consider counselling alone to work out what you want out of this. He doesn't hold all the cards, he just thinks he does.

Life doesn't have to be this way. If you could wave a magic wand, what would you choose?

Keep talking to us.

jollygoose Tue 07-May-13 21:24:05

yummy I think you need some assertiveness training, hes taking the p... dont let him get away with it.

Undertone Tue 07-May-13 22:03:57

LTB.

Find some happiness - where you can do and watch what you like!

somewhereaclockisticking Tue 07-May-13 22:12:14

It sounds like he's used to making all the decision in your life and you do as you're told to keep the peace and because you don't want him or anyone else to be upset with you. It's not healthy at all and it gives someone the power over you to the point of being able to choose something as pathetic as what you can and can't watch on tv to more serious issues in your life. If you continue to give him this power he will use it. Unfortunately things won't change unless you stand up to him but will you do that or will you crumble if he threatens to leave you? I ask only because I have a friend in her 50's who lives like this. Her husbandtreats the relationship more like a father with a naughty child than husband and wife and she hates it and will get upset and moan to me about it but then refuses to stand up to him in case he ever leaves her because at the end of the day she needs him to be there for her and to make all her decisions for her. If that's what you need them things in your life will never change -he is controlling and that's not attractive in a partner but he may have entered into this relationship believing that's what you wanted and his only option would be to leave and find someone else who will allow him to control everything in their relationship.

pigletmania Tue 07-May-13 22:56:38

My goodness yummy I would seriously start planning a life without this horrid man

sukysue Tue 07-May-13 23:01:01

It's a man thing yanbu.

MrsTomHardy Tue 07-May-13 23:02:08

My first LTB

Honestly you'll feel so relieved.
He sounds like a knob.

ZebraOwl Tue 07-May-13 23:38:51

Oh YummyCalpol, I think him being an eejit about what TV gets watched is just the one strand of his unpleasant and - to be frank - emotionally abusive & incredibly controlling behaviour.

You sound as though you have a lot of self-awareness about how your past may be impacting on your present, which is good, because that kind of insight is what you need now. You can see now how dysfunctional and environment you grew up in & (I hope!) understand that what happened wasn't your fault or in any way okay. The same assessment is true of your situation now: it is not your fault your husband's doing this & it's seven sorts of certain it is utterly unacceptable. You deserve better - and your children do too. They will be picking up on what's going on & they shouldn't have to live with his behaviour either.

I think you need to seriously consider whether or not you want to try to salvage your relationship. Perhaps contact Women's Aid for information & advice to begin with. You do deserve better - and it doesn't matter I've never met you, no-one, but no-one deserves to be treated like this. So any nagging little voices saying you deserve this & it's your fault & he's not doing anything wrong (or whatever) can just do one.

Take care. And you know what, I don't care if hugs are a Mumsnet taboo, I am leaving you a little pile of the best sort of comforting-reassuring hugs here for you, just in case.

Kiwiinkits Wed 08-May-13 08:45:51

CallyCat I believe we have to take some responsibility for ourselves and our lives. The OP and a lot of women, it seems to me, could benefit from realising that the things they do impact on the degree of respect they earn from others. Dickhead remote-stealing husbands included. I think demonstrating a bit of initiative (like sorting out an alternative mode of wAtching your shows, without relying on him to do it for you) and doing things that are interesting and out of the house in the evenings are ways to gain oneself back after those first years of looking after young children. Doing these things will expand your life, make it more interesting and simultaneously gain some respect back. Too many women assume that respect should be stable and automatic. It's not; it's dynamic and it depends on what you do to earn it. The first step is giving yourself permission to put yourself and your interests and goals first.

mrsjay Wed 08-May-13 08:48:40

wow really ? he does this that is awful grab the remote tell him to bugger off and watch your programmes who friggingdied and made him boss,

Helltotheno Wed 08-May-13 09:01:10

OP do some or all of the following:

1) Get yourself a life. In other words, don't spend the next x years sitting on your fanny in front of the tv at night. If that's what he's doing, you could be out and about doing any number of more enjoyable things while he stays at home. Join a running, walking group; go to a class; meet some friends, etc.
2) Consider going back to work, even part-time. It's clear that you being a SAHM is not respected. That way, you can afford your own tv and, crucially, you can also develop a bit of financial independence for the eventuality that you kick this sorry loser's ass out.
3) Develop some general independence from him. Stop giving a damn about him empathising with you etc. It's clear that he's not going to. Detach somewhat.

He is an arse. You should be setting the wheels in motion for getting him out of your life.

TheVermiciousKnid Wed 08-May-13 09:05:08

It's not 'a man thing'. The majority of men are perfectly capable (and willing) to 'share' the TV.

It is, however, a controlling, selfish arse thing.

LadyClariceCannockMonty Wed 08-May-13 09:11:47

He's a passive-aggressive tosser and the telly is the least of your worries.

Sorry, that sounds dismissive – I mean the telly is one of many symptoms of his tosserdom.

I don't have any advice of my own but agree with Helltotheno above.

AF What is DTF? Drown the fucker?

YANBU OP.

You should buy yourself a nice new TV and leave him to it.

Twattybollocks Wed 08-May-13 09:44:10

What a twat. Next time he tries it, ask him who gave him the right to decide what's on the tv? In an equal partnership people negotiate. Eg if I wanted to watch obem but football was on and his team happened to be playing (not often on tv) then I'd probably sky plus obem and put the footie on. Vice versa if there was something he was moderately interested in watching and something on that I really wanted to watch, he would put that on, and if it's something he doesn't want to watch he would read a book, piss about on the iPad or go do some washing or something.
If he ever said to me that I couldnt watch something even whilst he was asleep in the chair, I would tell him to fuck off to the far side of fuck.

Zalen Wed 08-May-13 12:00:07

If your not so D H is behaving this way, and your youngest is three it sounds to me like it's time to start looking into ways back into the world of work. That may help to regain his respect (if the respect of this loser is worth regaining) more importantly it should help build up your self esteem and your independence.

I'm not going to say LTB, that's a decision only you can make but start to realise for yourself that this man's opinion means nothing, cease to care about him, it's not easy but if he carries on the way he's going he'll soon have killed all the love you once had for him (if he hasn't already) and that will make it easier.

You've put your life on hold to raise your children, now it's time to take back control, build yourself up to a position of strength, move your life forward and if he gets left behind in the dust then so much the better from what I can see.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now