To be upset and not really know where to go with friendship after this?

(63 Posts)
DumSpiroSpero Sun 05-May-13 22:20:58

We spent a lovely day yesterday with a family I would consider to be probably our closest friends and some other families. Had a great time and as usual the DC's got on like a house on fire.

This morning I had a text from close mate "This is a a bit awkward but every time the kids play together I find nits the next day. Don't want to rude/nasty but thought I should let you know.".

Spent the best part of an hour combing DD's hair this morning and no sign of anything - she hasn't had nits since before Christmas either, and the kids see each other every couple of weeks.

Tbh I was shaking when I got the text and have been in tears on and off all day. DH thinks I'm completely overreacting. I don't doubt there was no vindictiveness behind it and i don't want to lose a friendship over it, but still feel it's a reflection on DD and me and know it will be on my mind every time I see them now.

Am not sure whether to just leave it, or to phone and have a chat tomorrow to try and clear the air. I think the way it was worded and the fact it was via text didn't help and I am a bit hormonal atm so guess that's not helping.

I think you are overreacting. I would call her and say your kids are not free. One of my 3 always has nits. I can't seem to get rid of them - I think it's his best friend that infects him.

Nit free I meant .....

gordyslovesheep Sun 05-May-13 22:24:06

I would text back and say 'oh how unfortunate but just so you know nits take longer than 24 hours to be viable and my kids are thankfully nit free - schools are breeding grounds for the buggers - try Hedrin'

StrangeGlue Sun 05-May-13 22:24:07

You seem a bit fragile to have reacted this badly to what was a rude but not earth shattering text. Is everything else okay? i can understand being offended but to be crying and shaking all day seems extreme

You checked your dd's hair and can text back "no nits here smile" and surely that's the end of it?

YouTheCat Sun 05-May-13 22:24:11

Text her back and say you've done a comb through and your child has no nits.

Maybe your friend isn't treating her kids' lice effectively?

Willowisp Sun 05-May-13 22:24:13

I would just say " no need to feel awkward, thanks for the heads up, but no nits here. Lovely to see you yesterday"

& leave it at that smile

Hassled Sun 05-May-13 22:25:20

You are being a tad unreasonable here - sorry.

From friend's POV - you come and play, and then she finds nits. What's she meant to think? She's acknowledged it's awkward - and the text must have taken some courage on her part. I think she actually handled what she believed to be the truth fairly well.

So she's got it wrong - you can tell her that without it being some massive issue.

IHateSafeStyle Sun 05-May-13 22:27:30

And breathe......

The next day? Youre lucky yours are catching from hers. Seriously why are you so upset.

AgentZigzag Sun 05-May-13 22:28:30

She worded the text diplomatically, it's a legitimate thing to bring up if that's what she genuinely believes, and because having nits doesn't mean you're a scummy fuck, it's no reflection on you or your daughter even if she was right.

The text made me think she'd been wondering about it for a while and it took a lot for her to say it to you, that's not a bad thing, she didn't just dive in and accuse you of all sorts.

I'd just tell her you've combed through your DDs hair and there's defo no nits, and then go on to talk about where her DD could have got them from, which would make it clear there's no way she got it from your DD.

pictish Sun 05-May-13 22:29:03

What willowisp said.

DiscoDonkey Sun 05-May-13 22:30:50

I think it's the "every time the kids play together I find nits" comment that is a bit mean. So I can understand why that upset you.

I would just say what others have "have checked kids hair, no nits here"

BriansBrain Sun 05-May-13 22:31:14

I think your friend handled it really well actually, even though she was mistaken.

Quick text back with "no nits here and we check weekly after a bout at Christmas, I find conditioner and nitty gritty work well"

No need for you to be so upset about it, nits + DC happen.

cees Sun 05-May-13 22:34:26

Just text back yours are all clear and then treat them as they may have been infected while playing with her kids. No need to stress about it.

Tabliope Sun 05-May-13 22:34:32

Actually I don't think it's a nice text at all - "Every time they play together I find nits the next day"?! Every time. Really. That's a bit snotty. That's saying you don't check your kids' hair enough and basically you're a crap mum for that. Not nice at all.

DiscoDonkey Sun 05-May-13 22:35:36

If there were other families and children p
Axing then maybe she was referring to them all not just your dd

DiscoDonkey Sun 05-May-13 22:35:52

Playing not axing

HeathRobinson Sun 05-May-13 22:36:26

What about the other families?

BollyGood Sun 05-May-13 22:36:52

That was a horrible text OP. YANBU it's quite ridiculous actually.

BollyGood Sun 05-May-13 22:37:17

Exactly heath surely there were others there??

BollyGood Sun 05-May-13 22:39:08

It's quite possible OP your friend hasn't been getting rid of the nits efficiently enough and is just getting reinfected each time within her own family. Some people think they are rigorous at nit checking but are not.

fuzzpig Sun 05-May-13 22:40:44

Sorry you're so upset. You seem quite overly sensitive (something I totally relate to so I'm not having a go!) but actually implying that it is all your fault is perhaps quite rude of her and a bit patronising to assume you don't check. Especially if her DCs are at school or nursery every day, it's much more likely they are coming from there surely.

You've done the right thing and checked. Now text back and say - thanks for the alert but I've checked (as I do every [blah]) and no nits here smile

Vosene is awesome for discouraging lice BTW

claraschu Sun 05-May-13 22:42:03

You could mention that if she finds nits every time, she is not disinfecting her kids effectively. These are not going to be new infections (from school or wherever), but one long-lasting infection which she is not treating properly.

Some people think that treating with nit-poison will do the trick, but we all know you have to comb avery few days for several weeks to get rid of everything.

maddening Sun 05-May-13 22:42:16

yes text back but stay breezy - oh just had a thorough search and we are nit free - thankfully we escaped infection - phew! :-) hope you track down the culprit :-)

PixelAteMyFace Sun 05-May-13 22:43:05

Exactly what AgentZigzag says.

Your friend`s message is not rude, so why are you reacting so badly?

Most kids get nits at some time, it`s no big deal and certainly no reflection on anyone`s hygiene, as head lice lay their eggs very indiscriminately - even in hair from naice families smile

CloudsAndTrees Sun 05-May-13 22:44:37

You are over reacting. Text back with what willowslip said.

LondonNinja Sun 05-May-13 22:44:39

Try not to be upset. I think the 'every time' part of the text is somewhat rude though...

Just be as matter of fact back to her: "That's very odd but my DC hasn't had nits and definitely doesn't have any now. I'll also keep an eye in case she's caught them from your DC - thanks for the warning."

wink

BeingAWifeIsNotForMe Sun 05-May-13 22:44:44

Was the text addressed to Dum or could she have sent the same message all the parents?

redskyatnight Sun 05-May-13 22:47:05

Did she send the text to all the families you were out with I wonder? (or did she specifically name your DD?)

Either way, I think you are totally overreacting. How would you have managed the situation if you'd been in her position? I have lots of lovely friends whose DC have had nits - in some cases they hadn't noticed, in others they'd treated and not kept combing - it's no reflection on you.

AgnesBligg Sun 05-May-13 22:47:09

Op I would be very fed up with the text. Not shaking perhaps, but fairly enraged. Cheeky cow.

I would reply with any of the nice and breezy suggestions above, then wait till my indignation had subsided a bit and resumed my friendship after a while. Please don't be upset though, honestly.

hellymelly Sun 05-May-13 22:47:31

Takes at least five days for lice to hatch, so if she found more than one or two lice the it wouldn't have come from you anyway, she probably doesn't know anything about lice-life cycles. I agree with other posters, in that she needs to know you are not the source. I think she has been thinking your children are passing on lice for a while, has wanted to say something, is now annoyed at yet more lice so has been rather insensitive. Let her know you have checked and that you check weekly with a nitty gritty comb, tell her that if there are more than a couple of lice then the infestation is around a week old at least. It works like this- Day1- louse crawls on, lays eggs.
Day 5-ish First baby lice hatch, they need to grow for about a week before they can lay eggs.
day 10-12 -lice are now adult and can breed and lay eggs., cycle continues.
So a headful of lice, or many eggs, takes a while.
Oh and comb your dcs in case they have a louse or two from her lot.

YummyCalpol Sun 05-May-13 22:48:07

I think her text was really unpleasant; a bit accusational and making out that your children are infested with nits.

Bugsylugs Sun 05-May-13 22:48:15

I thought it ready really nasty think willows reply is great.

Odd anyway if they had got them from you children only 1 or 2 would have 'jumped' over so she probably would not see them they would lay eggs if mature a day later if not upto 14 days later these would not hatch for 7-10 days and not mature for another 14 days. So too soon really after contact for them to be visible to mum especially if more than 1 child affected and by multiple nits. They got them from elsewhere

YummyCalpol Sun 05-May-13 22:48:49

I like LondonNinja's suggestion

Bugsylugs Sun 05-May-13 22:49:23

Xposted with helly

DumSpiroSpero Sun 05-May-13 22:49:43

So general consensus is IAB a bit U, which is fair enough.

There have been other little things building up today on top and it's time of the month, hence the tearfulness - it's just a bit of a raw nerve which has been jangling away since I got the text (that wasn't the exact words btw, but words very much to that effect).

Have tried to arrange get togethers with the kids a few times lately and she's been a bit vague so am now wondering if that's why. Also feel it's a bit of a massive assumption to make without ever asking if I'd noticed if my DD had any first - particularly since there were several other kids there yesterday and it's far more likely that any of the DC's wouldst pick them up from the hundreds of children they are at school with.

I just replied (this morning, not just now) that we were clear and hadn't had any for months and hope she got it sorted asap. She's probably feeling as awkward about it as me, so will leave well alone but make bloody sure I check DD's hair and put it in tight plaits every time we see them in future!

AgentZigzag Sun 05-May-13 22:49:57

grin at 'I'll also keep an eye in case she's caught them from your DC - thanks for the warning."'

I like it.

Xales Sun 05-May-13 22:51:15

Were there more kids than yours and hers? That sounds like an OMG warning that someone infected my kid so check yours too. Not yours have passed them to mine.

AgentZigzag Sun 05-May-13 22:51:49

I agree she could have worded it as a question rather than a statement, but maybe she's overthought it and it's come out in a way she was desperately trying to avoid?

AgnesBligg Sun 05-May-13 22:52:01

Fuzzpig thanks for the Vosene tip. That's great news.

Just to add OP my kids and my friends' kids, went through an appalling nit cycle. Mine had them, they had them, then I had to comb friend's hair, then she had to do mine. We spent an entire DAY together going through each others hair, we were like fricking grooming gorilla mammas. It's not a biggy.

AcrylicPlexiglass Sun 05-May-13 22:53:23

I think you should text back what williowisp said too. I would be slightly upset to be called on something like this by text by a close friend too as would prefer it was mentioned face to face. But she almost certainly meant nothing by it and nits whilst utterly annoying are no shame at all. Everyone gets them at some stage, some children repeatedly.

ivanapoo Sun 05-May-13 22:56:26

It's bloody nits (or not as it happens), nothing to get upset about.

Nits like clean hair anyway don't they? You should be proud she thinks your kids have them ;)

DumSpiroSpero Sun 05-May-13 22:58:16

I'm glad others have confirmed the life cycle thing as I work with small children and did a big display about nit checking a while back and thought it was a bit hmm .

I won't use chemicals to get rid of nits as DD and I both suffer from excema and it's a pita to get rid of them with a comb so I really try and keep on top of it re checking and have tea tree oil in all our shampoos and conditioners which seems to help.

DD is going through puberty on the early side - nits is just one more thing I could really do without worrying about, especially if it may affect one of her closest friendships, hence the oversensitivity blush .

DumSpiroSpero Sun 05-May-13 22:59:32

BTW the text was specific to my DD...

fuzzpig Sun 05-May-13 23:08:59

That does seem very odd that she is specifying your DD if there are loads of other children around hmm

Agree it sounds like an uncleared infestation rather than a new one each time. I wonder if she realises about repeated combing, as well as washing all bedclothes etc. You have to be really thorough.

Sympathies with the eczema issues, my DS is the same so it's an extra reason I am very paranoid vigilant around lice issues. That and the fact that my hair is ridiculously thick so if I get them it is a complete nightmare. Thankfully DS (nearly 4) has never had them.

Does anyone else's head automatically start itching when they read about nits though grin

mrspaddy Sun 05-May-13 23:15:58

I actually think the text was nasty and she shouldn't have sent it implying that your child was the culprit and secondly that you neglected to do anything about it. I would be sensitive about things like that too. I think the lighthearted texts already mentioned here would be the best way to deal with it. Don't bring it up again unless she does then say that you would preferred her to bring it up in conversation rather than a text.

DumSpiroSpero Sun 05-May-13 23:18:31

fuzzpig you have my sympathies - I also have thick, curly hair and DD has shared her nits with me previously - nightmare!

polishthisturd Sun 05-May-13 23:54:00

I cannot use chemicals on my head either due to eczema. Could it be that she knows you cant use them and assumes your method to be less effective, and so shes put the blame on you IFSWIM? (Although regular combing is great for detecting them and keeping them away, and Vosene contains coal tar which will soothe your eczema!)

Do let us know how she responds. I think her text sounds exasperated at finding nits again and she probably wants to find someone to lay the blame on! It should be HER DD with the tight plaits!!!

DumSpiroSpero Mon 06-May-13 00:04:31

could it be that she knows you cant use them and assumes your method to be less effective

I suspect there may be an element of that, but also think Agent Zigzag madw a good point that she's overthought the wording of the text and it came out a bit wrong.

We've been friends for a long time and I'm sure she didn't mean it to cacross the way it did - I'll just struggle to put it to the back of my mind tbh.

Her reply was just 'Glad your DD hasn't got them' - no 'oops must've got it wrong, sorry' which makes me a bit hmm. Can't help wondering if she thinks I'm either lying or in denial about my pfb having nits!

badinage Mon 06-May-13 00:23:02

It always baffles me why people ever think a text is a suitable medium for what is a fairly sensitive message.

It's cowardly.

A phone conversation (or considering this is something that's been brewing for a while) a face to face, would have been much better and wouldn't have left you wondering and worrying all day.

Seeing her facial expression and hearing her tone of voice would have made this message much easier to receive and respond to.

But then again, you texted back. <<bangs heads together>>

Speak to her, before this all gets out of hand.

fuzzpig Mon 06-May-13 08:11:26

No apology for her jumping to conclusions? Charming hmm

MoominsYonisAreScary Mon 06-May-13 08:37:11

If we ever get them I text people we've been in contact with and say sorry we've found visitors, hope we haven't passed them on

Wouldn't just presume to know where they are coming from (although sometimes you do but wouldn't say!)

Littlehousesomewhere Mon 06-May-13 09:16:46

Yanbu

I think that txt was very rude and nasty!

I would have been upset too.

If she was a good friend she could have said something's like '"just letting you know we found nits in dc hair today, sorry but it might be an idea to check your dc too''

That being said I would txt back with what willowwisp said earlier. And then wait a while before seeing her again.

DumSpiroSpero Mon 06-May-13 12:21:18

badinage I totally agree with you re texting that kind of thing. I was pretty gobsmacked and due to go out - had I got the message yesterday evening I probably would have called back.

I think I will have to ring her, as much as a large part of me says 'drop it. It's the 'when they spend time together mine gets nits' that is still rankling. They have a semi regular thing which means they see each other for several hours at least once a fortnight, and tbh I think implying that me/DD are responsible for a dozen bouts of nits this year shock is a bit much! Unless it's possible that I've not noticed and they've gone away on their own in between, which I don't think is posdible but am willing to be corrected.

Fwiw I have no problem with the nit aspect, it's the implication behind it that bothers me, and it's all very well to say ' I'm not blaming anyone' but am not entirely sure how else one is supposed to take those comments confused.

KansasCityOctopus Mon 06-May-13 12:29:30

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DumSpiroSpero Mon 06-May-13 12:32:29

I'll definitely near that in mind next time (hopefully not for ages!) Kansas, thanks!

badinage Mon 06-May-13 13:04:18

I'd ring her or try to see her and sort it out.

Being fair and assuming she's not a complete PITA, maybe she was at the end of her tether and snapped. I remember when one of mine kept getting them and that only stopped when she changed class. They'd always appear at the worst time i.e when we were about to go somewhere with lots of other people and I seem to recall after the fourth or fifth time in that school year, feeling angry with whichever parent it was in that class who wasn't treating his/her child.

I know I wouldn't have texted, but I did have a rant blush within my own four walls...

I tried them all that year, but Hedrin was the best one by far. Has your GP/HV/pharmacist said that the chemical ones can't be used by anyone with a skin condition? I'm a bit clueless on that one as fortunately none of us suffer with anything, but it's always worth checking these things.

DesperatelySeekingSedatives Mon 06-May-13 13:15:46

I think her text was a bit bitchy tbh. And ill informed. her kids wont be crawling with the little buggers within 24 hours after all hmm And like you say, your kids dont have any. They might now, thanks to your friend's kids being riddled with them. I'd be tempted to point that out to her but I'm a cow like that .

I do think crying about it was a bit OTT but I too would be annoyed/offended if someone implied their DC caught nits off of mine all the time.

MoominsYonisAreScary Mon 06-May-13 13:49:41

Do you have an electric nit comb? They're supposed to be better than the normal combs, might be a good investment if you can't use lotion. Or to use along side full marks

Wishiwasanheiress Mon 06-May-13 13:51:06

Shaking and crying over this?

I'm with ur partner, bu and a bit nits (nuts) IMO

RooneyMara Mon 06-May-13 14:22:51

This is really difficult on all sides tbh.

I have a friend who is great but her children (in her own words) always have nits, and it drives me and everyone else mad as we have to do the whole de-lousing thing every time while she just does, apparently, nothing.

I actually did stop our children playing together at one point as I couldn't afford to keep doing hedrin. I didn't tell her this - I tried to turn it around to say that mine had it again and I didn't want to give them back to hers.

She didn't reply and I think I overdid it a bit. We are friends now, but the kids still don't play together at home. And I got ds's hair cut.

RooneyMara Mon 06-May-13 14:24:45

Plus a lot of people don't bother to treat again after a week. Then are amazed when it comes back.

We have other friends who don't bother with the lotion stuff, they just remove any obvious adults, and tbh I don't allow sleepovers with them either.

It gets bloody expensive.

hellymelly Mon 06-May-13 23:12:17

Found lice on my dd tonight, 6 tiny tiny ones,(had to look through a magnifying glass to see them) and no sign of eggs, so I can date the Mama louse crawling on to her last day at school, over a week ago, as she has been itchy for a couple of days. The lice she has are too small yet to lay, so will be easy to shift. I have Hedrin here but usually just nitty gritty comb with conditioner every night for three or four nights and then every other night for a week, but I've never seen anything past day three/four So it is effective. My dds have fine hair and v sensitive skin though, so get itchy right away and don't have a lot of thick curls to get through. I think then I would use the suffocating stuff. DD has had them three times in the last term and half, so someone's parent is being a bit slack.

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