To think if you have an all day wedding you should have food before 9pm?(380 Posts)
We've been invited to a wedding in August the invitation said that, despite the ceremony being at 1.30pm, there will be no food until the buffet at about 9pm?
AIBU to think that if you want to cut catering costs on your wedding day, you don't get married so early? It's seems really selfish to me to have an all day wedding with no food but I'd be quite happy if the service had been at say 4pm?
That's a bit weird. Are you supposed to go home after the service then come back?
Where are they getting married? Is theirs the only "slot" that was available?
At least they warned you so you won't be sitting around, starving, waiting for the food.
I'd have a good lunch at home first.
I think the wedding couple need to be prepared for the guests going missing in order to eat! That is such a long time to go without food, i know I couldn't cope with it.
My friend did this but didn't tell anyone
Got married at 1 and then served food at 7.30 for daytime and evening guests alike. They couldn't afford to feed everyone twice I think and really wanted the posh
but souless venue.
We arrived at 8 to see very very drunk people inhaling sausage rolls
That's what I'm thinking Freddie but it obviously has significant repercussions as they are friends and they know we have no other commitments that weekend.
No sparkling it's church then straight to the venue but no food until the evening guest arrive then it's a buffet.
I think they'll be nibbles in the afternoon but that's it.
Seems v odd, what are you supposed to do all afternoon? Anyway I would have a big lunch before you go and pack a sandwich for emergency use!
I wouldn't not go. It's not really about the food is it? I may be tempted to go to the service then go home (if it's not 400 miles away) then go back for a drink later on.
What are you going to do all afternoon?
Where are they having the ceremony? Church? Register office? fancy hotel?
It'll be more like brunch than lunch if we eat before as we have to be at the church for 1.30pm and it's an hour away!
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
What are you meant to do between the wedding finishing at 2.15 and the evening buffet? I presume bride and groom and ? select small party are going for a nice meal somewhere but just having a party and providing food for everyone in the evening. That's OK if you know it's happening, you just google nearby nice pubs. In some ways I'd prefer that to a wedding with meal after the service and it all finishes at 6pm. I'd rather go to a pub, do some sightseeing and then get pissed and dance in the evening.
It's only unreasonable if they expect you to hang around with them all day starving.
That's a long time for all day guests to be hanging about. I should imagine a few might get sozzled if they carry on drinking without food.
If it's not practical to go home, I'd keep some energy bars in my bag.
2rebecca no, everyone is going straight to the venue and no one is being fed. The venue is about an hour from the church so with photos it will probably be about 4pm before we get to the venue but we'll all be shit faced if there is nothing to do between 4pm and the evening guests arriving about 8!
I'd take a packed lunch and go and eat in the car
I have been to a couple of similarly timed weddings- at the first one there were trays of canapés circulating, but not enough to last the guests until the evening reception really. Yes, lots of drunk guests.
The second time I was prepared and, especially as all the DC were invited, I did pack sandwiches, drinks and cereal bars etc in the car to eat after the ceremony on the way to the reception venue.
Taking a picnic to a wedding. Any local eateries?
Oh this brings back bad memories. My friend got married at a country house in Hertfordshire a few years ago and they served nothing in the way of food until 8pm, even though the ceremony was at midday. There was Pimms on arrival and a bar there, but no food. It also happened to be on one of the hottest days of the year. Several people, unsurprisingly, passed out. We were all forced to stay outside in case we were needed for photos. The food was shite anyway, but everyone was so grateful for it by the time it arrived that I think they'd have eaten the south side of a horse going north.
Either don't go, or take inconspicuous snacks in your bag. You will need them.
I wouldn't go. If they wanted an evening do for all their guests then they should have just had family to the actual ceremony and a meal for family, not except people to wait all day so they can save money.
How about just go to the important part-the service? Who has a Reception an hour from the church anyway?
Ok then I would just stop off for quick pub lunch or picnic between church and venue.
If there's nothing to do between 4 and 8pm it should be relatively easy to disappear for an hour or so and get a meal either at the venue or a local pub/chippy whatever.
Tis a bit odd though
mrspaddy that's what I think, it's all just so selfish. They want a huge wedding on a shoestring budget. I think you should have the size of wedding you can afford and invite only those guests you can afford to cater for or amend your plans so it's not an all day affair.
I was at a wedding a few years ago where the ceremony and reception were in the same venue. The couple were on a tight budget so opted for the cheapest option available. Service was at 1.30 and there was a buffet at half 6 - about 2 potato wedges and a chicken wing per guest. It was very, very messy...
Can't really slope off as our absence would be noticed!
You could be really cheeky and get pizza delivered I suppose.
Well tough for them really, they're the ones expecting you all to stand around hungry and twiddling your thumbs for several hours!
Not trying to offend but its their wedding and thats what they want to do and theyll have their own reasons for doing that.theyve told people beforehand so its not like people dont know.to be honest i would be upset if it ws my wedding and people complained when theyd been invited to a special day that had cost thousands of pounds,its an honour to be invited to someones wedding,yeah its a while but its not something id be annoyed about.
A friend of mine got married at 1pm and they served the meal at 5pm and that was long enough to wait, 9pm is ridiculous.
The best wedding celebrations are where you can get a drink and there is plenty of food.
The worst are where you are hungry and thirsty.
drunk and gluttonous O
Should have said - agree with the suggestion that you could slip away and get something in the afternoon. Or it'd be too long a day. But if you're close to the couple I don't think the timing of food service is reason enough not to go to the wedding
I suggest grabbing some pizzas on the way to the venue, get extras and sell them in the car park too
That's the point though limited it hasn't cost thousands of pounds, it's been done on the cheap. It's not an honour when you are only invited to keep the costs down- its a fixed cost affair so the more that attend, the cheaper per head the buffet is (and the less food there is for everyone) and the more presents the bride and groom get!
I would just say "sorry but I'm starving so we're off for some food" if anyone commented. I'd get bored hanging around for that long anyway, the photos after the wedding always take hours so I'd just disappear straight after the service. If they ask where you went say "we went for something to eat".
Afraid I really don't think it as an "honour" to be invited to fast for about 9 hours!
Whilst I normally veer towards the "have the wedding you want" end of the spectrum, you can't not feed your guests for that length of time. It's just not on.
Why is the Reception an hour from the church?
Do like others have suggested and take a packed lunch.
I don't get this attitude that it being someone's special day means they get to do what they want and sod the guests
If you invite people to attend your wedding then you take their needs into consideration and that includes feeding your guests, not expecting them to starve all day.
Totally agree.. if they really wanted their guests at their wedding they would provide a basic meal in the day. It wouldn't have to be overly fancy but a meal. They are doing this totally on the cheap.
2rebecca has it. They planned it they way they wanted, you can tell the truth. They haven't provided enough food, soon enough, so it shouldn't be a shock when people say, "We are going off for something to eat". They are not being good hosts, or providing good hospitality.
Well if i felt i wasnt invited because i was wanted then i wouldnt waste my money buying outfits,travelling and buying drinks there.id either not go or id make an excuse why i couldnt go until the evening near food time lol.maybe they have money troubles hun or they dont agree with spending thousands.
Dunno sparkling just another example of their mememe attitude- it's what they wanted!
Just stop on the way to the venue
If anyone asks why you're half an hour late to the venue (which I doubt they would) just say "We stopped for a bite to eat"
If they have money troubles or don't believe in spending loads, they shouldn't try to have a big dramatic affair on a shoestring budget. The solution to financial difficulties with a wedding is not to make your guests incredibly uncomfortable.
It is a honour to me dont care if its not for others.if the person isnt special to.you dont go until the night.you arent meant to be doing them a favour by going you ate meant to want to celebrate with them.if it means taking a sandwich in your bag then take a sandwich!!!!
Are these actually friends as you don't seem to like them much?
They can have a dramatic shoestring wedding if they want its THEIR wedding.
Go but do go off for something to eat and be upfront as others have suggested.
"We were starving so went for something to eat."
To be fair limited I have known the bride since I was 6 so i think we would have been invited any way but the evening guest list is ridiculously gigantic and I know it is to keep the cost per head down and the wedding presents up!
It's a very selfish thing to do though. And smacks of a bride and groom who do not really care about the enjoyment of their guests.
My mum went to a wedding like this a while ago and ended up having a diabetic hypo because nobody had told them there wouldn't be any food til late. She ended up pleading with the bar staff to find her anything to eat so they managed to rustle up a couple of bars of chocolate and a packet of crisps. She did not think it was an honour to spend hundreds of pounds (outfit, hotel for a weekend, petrol costs for a 4 hour round trip, present, etc) to be left standing without food which caused a medical problem.
meg after all this bridezilla crap I actually don't like them very much now, which is sad as I've known her for most of my life. It's true that weddings bring out the absolute worst in some people.
I'm sad that all of this has made me feel this way.
Just decline. This doesn't sound like fun, tbh.
At least they told you I suppose. They obviously know it will be an issue or they wouldn't have said.
I can't understand what they expect folk to actually do between say 4ish and the evening bit starting. Just stand around and drink? Bit weird IMO.
Turn up with a big cool box filled with sandwiches, sausage rolls and scotch eggs. You'll be the most popular guest there.
I think that's what I'm going to do expat I just needed reassurance that I'm not wrong in thinking this is unreasonable. The upshot of us declining will be that we fall out but I'm no longer sure I want to be friends with people who think so little of their wedding guests and instead opt for the mememe approach.
Surely they wouldn't stop you from going for a bite to eat if they haven't provided food until 9pm...would they?
And even if they protested I'd tell them where to get off. But it sounds like you don't like them much anyhoo.
This just makes me not want to get married and invite "friends"lol
Genius sparkling that could be our wedding present!
You don't like them. So don't go to their wedding. Simples.
If you were planning to treat them like this bride and groom, Limited, that's probably a good thing,
I think its kind of ungrateful and not nice and i dont care how much stick i get because the last thing someone wants at their wedding is to find out people have been saying things about the couple and their decisions behind their back.
bring a car picnic. With loads and loads of spare scram in case other guests get wind of your secret feast.
You'll all be knackered otherwise - I couldn't last that long, partic not drinking as well.
That's what's sad though wilson I did like them but I just feel they are being so unreasonable and selfish with their wedding plans, I can't get past it.
I didnt say i was tidydancer,dont imply i said something that i didnt and dont label me because i have a different opinion.
limited if you laid on the wedding of the century then I'm sure you'd be happy for people to talk about it behind your back. It seems simple to me- don't give people things to moan about and they won't.
The majority of people on here seem to agree that this is not acceptable and that the couple should have thought more about their guests.
It's perfectly possible to have a nice wedding on a shoestring budget by having the ceremony and then going to a nice pub restaurant for a meal. I have been to a couple of weddings like that and the atmosphere was fantastic.
That's the point though, Limited. There's nothing to be grateful for when the bride and groom are acting in a way they know to cause problems. And you know they know, since they informed people of the lack of food for several hours. Most people will accept a bride and groom's choices and celebrate with them regardless of personal taste, but not when it's done in a way where there's clearly absolutely no concern for the guests welfare, and they have bumped up the numbers with the intent of increasing the presents.
That's not a scenario I would be grateful to be invited to, not a chance.
Slight overreaction Limited? I don't think Tidy implied anything - or labelled you!
Oh FFS limited, you made a sarcastic comment about not wanting to get married, I made one back. Stop taking it so seriously.
Well seems simple to me too-if you were her friend you would behave like that.you are going to end a friendship over that?
I know lady I've been to a similar wedding, but this just seems to be taking the piss, big wedding to get lots of presents but not making adequate arrangements for the guests.
And exactly what label do you imagine I have given you?!
I would be starving and would probably hide a small picnic in my hadbag and nibble discreatly.
That's the way it looks OP. It's trying to be something that it's not.
All fur coat and no knickers
Lol tidydancer i was just saying seems like a shame that its this womans wedding and people are falling out over it!
Whilst I think it's quite bizarre I don't really know what your problem about eating is? I'd just stop off to eat somewhere between the wedding and the evening event. All the other guests will e doing the same if they have any sense.
Although really just cancel since you don't sound like you wan to be there anyway.
That i would piss people off purposely at my wedding!!
Asking people to wear pink, getting people to have daft photos taken with ridiculous props, choosing dubious themes etc are all matters of personal taste to the bride and groom and whilst others might be a bit eye-rolly, then can like it or lump it.
Not feeding people for 9 hours (realistically more like 10 allowing time for people to travel) and without providing an opportunity to get food is downright rude.
'I think that's what I'm going to do expat I just needed reassurance that I'm not wrong in thinking this is unreasonable. The upshot of us declining will be that we fall out but I'm no longer sure I want to be friends with people who think so little of their wedding guests and instead opt for the mememe approach.'
It is a shame limited but should we all just accept their selfish choices because it's 'their big day'? I don't think so, hence my thread, but I'm happy to listen to a convincing arguement to change my mind as it is a big decision.
They can They can have a dramatic shoestring wedding if they want its THEIR wedding, but guests are allowed to go for food if they are being held for hours without any proper hospitality.
If it's a friend you've known for so long, then surely there is the chance to ask her.... "Obviously we're going to need to eat between breakfast and 9pm - do you want guests to go off and get themselves something during the afternoon, or should we all be bringing picnics ?" would seem quite a reasonable conversation opener.
The only good side of this I can see, is that at least you've been warned in advance.
Oh dear, I think you may need to go back and look at the post again. See the grin next to it. You have overreacted my love.
There's an etiquette to weddings and the bride and groom aren't following it. They should therefore not be surprised - or disappointed - to find that their 'guests' follow suit.
I wouldn't attend this wedding; I wouldn't mind the 'fast' as I don't eat lunch anyway but the people around me, understandably whining of hunger, would really irritate me.
Some people just don't know how to behave and have no idea of what it means to host an event and that, coupled with enormous expectations of presents, seems to cause such bad feeling.
Pehaps we should have an MN boycott of bad-mannered events?
Wedding guests should be treated as guests.
You wouldn't invite people to any other celebration and then neglect them so why would you do it for a wedding?
Ok fair enough tidy dancer no biggy to.me then
I would ring them and (cheekily) ask if they can recommend any nice restaurants in that area as "we can't just not eat all day" and see what they say. Sounds bad.
I would go to the ceremony then go home or.off.out somewhere and just see them at the evening.
If you decide to attend, I would make a point of mentioning to bride to be that you will be finding somewhere to eat in the afternoon and asking if she knows of anywhere nearby. When she questions it you could say that it's too long to go without food, can't see what will fill the time and politely say that you think others would be doing similar as well. Might make them reconsider? And if she does take offence then not to worry, as you don't like her!
This happened to me a good few years ago and we did not find out until after the ceremony. To make matters worse close family etc got a meal but we were expected to come back for the evening. DH and I just went home.....
This brings back memories of my best friend's wedding where after a small breakfast, I didn't eat anything until the meal at 5pm (hair, make up with bridal party then travelling to ceremony) but in the meantime I'd consumed a fair whack of alcohol so therefore chucked up the long-awaited food shortly after [vom]
But at least you have been warned to have Mars bars and a flask of coffee hidden in your car
Cross posts with Mortified!
Irish weddings seem to be very different to British ones. Here it is quite normal to have a wedding at 1 and dinner at 9pm.
Goto wedding which finishes at 1pm-those who have been to weddings before will have eaten something before 1pm.
Have wedding. Perhaps some photos.
Everyone goes to nearest pub. Just for a couple of drinks. People often have sandwiches/sausages or something to eat now.
Go to reception venue.
Most weddings have nibbles-canapés etc. But not all, and it is taken as "if it is there grand, if not no worries". As I said, most people know to eat somewhere just in case-a wedding is a long day here!
Have dinner anywhere from 7pm-9pm. It has always been a sit down dinner at any wedding I have been too.
It is also very acceptable to have people to the "afters". This is in no way seen as a slight . It is usually people who couldn't come earlier, work colleagues or more friends etc.
Drink until the bar closes!
Well, as I say that is how it has been done at any wedding I have ever attended, on both sides if the border.
So I think YABU. Just get some food along the way!
Believe me backforgood I've tried. She honestly thinks that inviting people she hasn't seen for ages is the right thing to do as they will want to join in the celebrations. She thinks the afternoon will fly by and no one will notice that they haven't eaten. It might for her as she's the bride but I can't help thinking the the real reason for the huge guest list is because it won't cost them any more for extras to attend and presumably people who attend will buy presents.
That should be go to the wedding which starts at 1/1.30.
And drinks in the pub after are often just a cup of tea.
And supper is usually served at 11pm.
Order a pizza in.
To the venue.
Sounds like the shittest wedding ever.
I would decline.
Have they got a poem requesting cash instead of a present?
It is way too long a gap to hanging around. Take food and soft drinks and refuel in your car if you go.
Reminds me of a wedding that was similar. But they didn't say anything about no food until 8pm. Impossible for those with young kids. One of the ushers disappeared late afternoon and returned with fish'n'chips and then a mass exodus started to find the nearest takeaway. The bride was not impressed.
PLEASE THEY HAVE A NATIVE AMERICAN POEM
And release a dove?!
No to the dove. Too risky.
Somebody might see it as food.
Have they got any entertainment or anything ? Seems a long time for you to be hanging round making small talk. At least they have warned you about the long wait for food.
No poem norma-that would have required effort- just a blatant request!
Ladyslatternslyhoover that was well funny!
Someone will be mainlining sugared almonds by 4.
OR op take a kettle and some pot noodles.
Although I love people's suggestions of ordering a pizza to the venue <evil cackle>
We got married at 2pm, the had canapés and Pimms (which more and more of kept seeing to come out of the kitchen whilst we were all milling around the gardens), I reckon the canapés were available for about 90 minutes, then we ate our main meal at about 5pm. A 9pm we had tea/coffee and cakes and truffles.
If you compare your friends wedding to that I think it is safe to say you will all starve to death [gin]. It'll be like something off Shawn of the Dead.
Please order pizza or stay home.
Pancake: fish'n'chips - definately the answer!
or book a burger van or butty van to drive by.
Make a lovely big picnic and make quite a palaver about picnic blanket on the grass etc - do NOT be discrete about eating it.
I would collapse (literally) if I had to wait that long to be fed.
We married at 4. Went right through. Long enough IMO. Not an endurance event
Hungry people will not mingle in a carefree, heads thrown back kind of way.
They will become savages, eying up their prey, working out who's weaker so they can beat them to the buffet when it finally appears and speeding vigilante rumours about Great Aunty Marge harbouring a spare Mars bar in her handbag.
In this case, I really wouldn't go. It sounds like you don't like them much, and I don't blame you. I would feel very resentful if I thought the B&G where only after the gift I'd brought.
Oh yes EduCated you can just imagine the battle to the buffet.
Tell me more about the blatant request. I feel there is more judging to be done
Love the pot noodle idea.
Or you could really mark the occasion and take a camping stove and pasta n sauce packets.
I used to have a mate i met in central London. When you went on a night out she always forgot about food. So you got hammered. Eventually we started taking a pack of sandwiches.
Lol. Turn it into a festival.
OR pull along your own hog roast on wheels.
Hungry people get that particular glint in their eye. The sort that would make you think nothing of trampling small children and animals to get the first slightly soggy piece of cardboard pizza.
Or take along a new bijou piece of jewellery fashioned out of party rings.
You could flog them to the fat bridesmaid for a tenner each.
Not much to tell norma the invite just said we don't need things for the house so we'd like cash! Quite ironic when it also said we're not feeding you!
Just remembered that decathlon sell those rehydrated packets of food for extreme sports people.
You could probably get a few portions of cottage pie in your clutch bag.
lucky first six that get to the buffet will fill 10 plates each, pretending that they are getting Auntie Edna / Uncle Wilf's etc. as well.
By the time guest number 7 gets there, it will just be salad garnish and crisp crumbs.
And that red sauce they serve with buffet filo prawns
Yes, tell us more about the request for money. I've a feeling my judgy pants could go higher.
Seriously,order pizza in. or Chinese. Eat it in the garden with the chopsticks you brought especially, also being used to tie back your hair.
Failing that, see if you can arrange a noodle van/ burger van to turn up in the car park. You'll be hailed as the saviour of the party as people will get irritated or even worse, drunk v quickly & fractious if they have to wait 8.5 hours later
Lol. Order the van in advance as a gift to her
not much to tell op?
Blatant cash request with the invitation is judging gold on mn.
It's just a disaster waiting to happen. She's going to end up with bored, unhappy, hungry and probably very drunk guests. I don't understand why some couples don't give more thought to keeping their guests happy - do they really want people to go away and say that their wedding was shit?!
Pre-babies I was an events organiser and, in my experience, a mere lack of canapes can lead to guests getting too drunk, too quickly, with bridesmaids vomming in the loos, etc, let alone no wedding breakfast at all!
Honestly, that's all it said 'norma'! They just want cash as they don't need things for the house!
Being hungry. during a wedding is awful. Especially if you can't sneak off somewhere near by. Stick £5 in a card for them. This wedding is going to cost a fortune in good and petrol alone.
Oh yes forgot about the buffet gannets. You think you will be fed at 9pm but that's only if you elbow your way to the front.
Wonder why the venue is allowing it.
Quick book a 12 o'clock table in the best restaurant nearest the church, that's the solution others will arrive at,
Get on trip advisor and find out what your choices are, and book a table fast, before all the other guests do.
There will be a lot of very drunk people by the time they get food in the evening.
Shall we take bets on a pay bar?
Lack of welcome drinks and drinks with the food?
You could get one of those hats with can holders on the sides and straws to the mouth. Fill with protein shakes and you're set for the 10 hour enforced fast.
You could definitely turn this into an opportunity. How ethical do you feel?
Just thinking, hungry people, captive audience, bit of prior planning... Car load of Pot Noodles and a camping stove, you'd make a fortune!
My dad was vicar. Always went home after church before reception
That's crazy. I was worried about my guests going hungry if we did canapés at 2.30 and then dinner at 5.
Or you could do the 5:2 diet and think positive about lack of calories.
Tell you what - an even better idea! Tell us when the weddings going to & where, and a couple of MNer's will help to man the van whilst making a small fortune out of the captive guests
Mwah ha har!
I hate being hungry at weddings, it's a pet peeve of mine even when you do get an evening meal, I get low blood sugar and I can't do without food for hours on end.
At our wedding I made sure we had canapes after the ceremony, an evening meal and the buffet.
Very poor hosting to invite people all that way and then not feed them, if they are on a budget then they could arrange trays of bacon rolls, or do a posh afternoon tea or something.
I'd just not go, sounds rubbish.
I think all guests should go to M&S prior to the wedding. Buy sarnies, crisps, fruit, drinks etc and then all carry their M&S carrier bags into church and ensure they are on show for all the photos.
Then after photos you can all have a jolly picnic.
Not just a pay bar but a really expensive pay bar...£10 for a vodka (single) and coke?
I'm hungry thinking about it and I ate an hour and a half ago.
What does your OH say?
OP - pick up a few packs of sarnies from M&S, have them in the car, pull over somewhere on your way from church to venue to eat them, it's an hour's drive, adding 10-15 minutes on that journey and you won't be missed, or check out if there's a McDonalds drive through on the way, you know if there is, half the wedding party will be in there.
It might be worth asking the bride if there's somewhere you can eat near the church, while it's a 1:30pm ceremony, if there's a pub/cafe on the same street, you could go there at say, 12noon, and still have time to eat before the ceremony. It also might be worth flagging it to her, at which point you might find there's canapes etc sorted, so you know not to have a big meal beforehand.
Yanbu. If that was me I'd just stay for the wedding and head home. I'm foul when I'm hungry.
Wow, that's a long time without food. Not sure my family could cope because they get horrible cranky when blood sugar levels get too low. What are guests supposed to do for that length of time if not eat?
When my daughter got married the ceremony was at 1 pm, canapes were at about 3 pm and three course meal at about 5pm, followed by cake and sweets. She still warned people to have a good lunch before they came.
Guests to a wedding need lots of food and lots of drink!
Me too meglet. The ceremony is the most important bit anyway surely?
but yes, it does seem rude to not think about looking after your guests like this. People need to be fed, I felt bad that we couldn't afford to do canapes as well as 2 meals, so we had the wedding at 2:30pm, with formal meal at 5pm and I was worried we'd been too rude leaving people that long without canapes... (then had a buffet at 9pm, which was hardly touched, so a huge waste of money - but I guess it's better to over cater than under)
It crazy idea not to feed your guests for 9 hours.
What's wrong with a pay bar?
A vote for BUCKET loads of delivery pizza : 30 of you get together, each put in £ and get a truck load.
No food for 7 hours is not a wedding its downright rude
only a bridezilla would consider that in any way acceptable.
Another one here who gets cranky when hungry. Drinking on an empty stomach for that long then eating is likely to make me vomit.
AFAIC, nothing is wrong with a pay bar, although I know some mners frown upon it.
OP, look on the brightside - I usually give in cash roughly what it costs to feed DH and I as a gift. So you can confidently put two sets of £6.95 in the card
I'm just going to nip off and see if there's a meal time posted on this wedding invitation we got for next month. The wedding is out forrin', DH is best man, and the bastard venue doesn't have a babysitting service. "Oh but Madam, we can give you a baby monitor". Me: "Have you heard of Madeline McCann by any chance?"
The pay bar goes without saying, there is fuck all being laided on at this wedding other than th buffet. That's why I'm so pissed off. IMO they should just have had family and been done with it but no- more guests means more presents and they have found a way of minimising their outlay so bring it on!
* more guests means more presents*
Or in this case more cash
Exactly chaotic it's like a self funding wedding!
We were invited to a wedding - church only then evening reception. Fair enough, we thought. Except when we got there the wedding was in the middle of nowhere. We'd travelled for four hours to get there, paid for hotels, presents etc and then were sat in the bar while the day guest ate their meal next door. There was nowhere to go, nowhere nearby to eat, and by then we'd all had a drink so couldn't drive. We had thought that the hotel would serve us food as we were guests, but they refused because the kitchen was busy with the wedding breakfast. We eventually persuaded them to do us some sandwiches; I think they agreed because they were worried about spewing guests. I would refuse an invitation to another wedding like that as it's just inconsiderate.
When we got married we couldn't afford to pay for two meals and wine etc for everyone. Rather than skimp on wine or food we decided to get married later on in the day. Our wedding was at 4pm with a full three course sit down meal at 6.30pm. We then served up the wedding cake at about 9pm. We also got married in a city centre so that any guests needing additional/ different food etc had plenty of places to go. It's just basic good manners to look after your guests.
Wuthering that is appalling. Are you still in touch?
My wedding consisted of a church wedding at 3pm followed by a meal for all 18 of us. Then DH and I left them all to it afterwards.
When I married exdh we went to Florida and didn't celebrate with anyone. It was how we wanted it at the time but we should've had some sort of celebration.
When I marry dp it'll be he, I, his adult DD,her Dp and my dss going somewhere for the wedding (away but in Britain) When back will have a big party for friends and family with oodles of food and some free wine but can't afford free bar. I'm stating no gifts at all though just themselves. But I know some will get us something. Neither of us want anything though just to celebrate. I love a good party
I'd be mortified to leave people hungry all day. A lot of my friends like a good drink so there'd be bodies lying everywhere
yy to M&S carrier bags full of food in wedding photos. Also a couple of KFC family buckets.
why don't they have the buffet in the afternoon? why such a big gap between the wedding ceromony and the wedding breakfast?
Juniper we got married in Florida but had a big party when we got home.
If we had taken guests, the time between ceremony and reception would have been over a week
What is everyone going to actually do for the 8 hours hanging about though? Travelling to venue and small talk will do the first couple of hours so only 6 hours to kill
ivy if they had the buffet in the afternoon the evening guests wouldn't get fed so it's a one size fits all buffet which I fully expect won't feed everyone as the venue have stupidly agreed a fixed price rather than pay per head and coincidentally the guest list as suddenly massively increased!
OP - how many guests would you estimate have been invited to the reception?
patos I wish I knew, we had our service and reception at the same place including a full 3 course meal and was was stil worried that a 3pm service was too early.
early I think it is pushing 200 now including day guests.
If you ask anyone about weddings they have been to over the years - few will remember details about the bride's dress, the flowers, the table decorations or what colour the bridesmaid dresses wore.
They will,however, remember the weddings where they were bored, didn't have enough to eat and paid extortionate bar prices.
All those planning a wedding - please take note.
strap some hula hoops to your leg.
If there's only one meal, and it's a buffet, why have evening guests at all? Couldn't everyone be invited for the whole day and the buffet be earlier? This makes no sense.
Are the bride and groom the kind of people who go all day without eating? DH and I have friends like that and we have to eat before we go, and bring our own snacks if we're visiting overnight. They probably think we're greedy and fat but it's better than starving! Once we had nothing to eat with them from breakfast until 9:00 at night!
Drive in between the church and reception?
This is extraordinary! You could just spend the cash you would have given them on crisps and hand them out in the car park. I dare say people will be so grateful you'd end up being bought the odd drink and may up quids in
We are still friends - I don't think they did it deliberately they just didn't think. It's a shame because Lady Slatternly is right - all I remember about that wedding is being very hungry and stranded miles from anywhere with no prospect of food.
LSH my only excuse is I was fairly young. I didn't expect gifts though. My family have never been grasping when it comes to this.
I'll make up for it with this wedding
party when we get round to it
It's a tiny village church, I doubt it could hold anywhere near 200 so all day guests are not an option. The more I think about this, the more it annoys me.
I think you should have the best wedding your budget allows but you shouldn't increase your guest list in order to reduce you costs per head and increase your cash donations.
Definitely not going unless something drastically changes.
200 sounds grim. I'd boycott and spend what I would've going there on a nice day out.
I just don't get why not serving the food until 9pm keeps the cost down? is it due to the bride and groom hoping people will have gone home and so they can cater for less people?
Feign tummy bugs all round on the day It's not like they've laid on a set meal so it can't affect the budget.
ivy it means they only have to serve one lot of food for both the evening and day guests and even then it's the same sized buffet what ever the number of guests so it's a huge cost saving for them and we'll all be fucking starving.
I'd go to the service, and skip the reception. They'll see you at the wedding and (hopefully) appreciate that you've made the effort to share their special day.
They won't miss you at the reception, and perhaps will be glad not to have to cater for you. Sounds dreadful, btw.
Do you know the couple well enough to speak to them about your concerns at how late the food will be served? Is it possible they simply haven't thought it through very well?
My SIL did this. Booked the hotel function room all afternoon but couldn't afford to provide food until 8pm after ceremony at 1ish. DS1 was 2 at the time. We went to a restaurant for lunch in the end as tbh, there was naff all else to do either. I have photos of other guests, and the bride, sitting around eating Greggs sausage rolls. Classy. At least your invite warns you in advance! Is the wedding somewhere where you can disappear for a bite to eat mid afternoon?
"Talkinpeace Sun 05-May-13 20:00:21
A vote for BUCKET loads of delivery pizza : 30 of you get together, each put in £ and get a truck load."
Well that's just the guests funding the food. The B&G will mingle happily, helping themselves to another slice of ham and pineapple!
early I have tried to express my concerns but it's water off a very selfish duck's back- she just won't listen. In her mind, it's their big day and people wont even notice how long it is until the buffet. Not going to the reception isn't an option, it would be noticed- I really is all or nothing and right now I'm going with nothing.
Why not have the food from 7 and invite the evening guests for 7? 9 is a bit late to eat anyway.
OP and you have to go and report in.
Take pom bears. A big red multipack and a green one.
am PMSL at eating the south side of a north going horse and water off a very selfish duck's back This thread is brilliant
I am being thick but they will have to feed everyone anyway - so why not feed all the guest earlier? The everyone is feed and that is that?
What is the difference between a day guest and an evening guest? surely they are all at the wedding and then afterwards all will get feed?
The trouble is she has hide thicker than a rhino and, in hindsight, has previous on this kind of thing- think
charging people asking people to make a dontion to attend her husband to be's 30th birthday party at the local village hall..........
Buffett - tbh she sounds really crap at organising events and not a very social person or welcoming - so if you don't go to the wedding and she takes the hump then will it really be a loss of a friend? Plus if she has a hid the thickness of a rhino then she just may not notice
Shame it's not pot luck- I could say I'll take dragon's butter!
Shit, they're not even paying per person for a decent buffet? A set price and presumably a set amount?
Think I have been to similar and it was awful. Really really awful. Think about 4 plates of dry curled butties, 2 trays of chicken legs and a tray of pork pies and sausage rolls. It was hideous.
There is no redeeming points about this wedding. Not a prayer i'd be going.
These days DH and I always take a packet of sausage rolls in the glove box when we go to a wedding. I would probably go, but take a picnic to eat on the way as others have suggested.
We had a 12 noon ceremony and a 3pm dinner (ceremony venue quite a distance from the reception, although in our defence we put on transport to the ceremony and then on to the reception) and I still look back and think 'we should have done canapes'. We did have a free bar though so there were a few casualties along the way. The canapes may have reduced the fallen.
I think the concept of 'It's ur day hun' is just odd really - I don't understand how anyone could throw a 'do' and enjoy themselves when all their guests were miserable. Surely the enjoyment comes largely from looking around at all your
pissed guests having a whale of a time?
Absolutely stupid thing to do. People will be talking about the wedding for all the wrong reasons. It wont matter that they had a posh venue, all people will remember is that they were left hungry for a very long time.
My cousin did this & didnt serve anything until 8pm & it was a very hot day and people ended up going to the pub down the road for refreshments. They wouldnt serve any drinks either, people got angry & started to abuse the parents of the bride who were more interested in the wedding gifts.
My brother had a late afternoon ceremony followed by a joint meal for both day & evening guests. You dont leave guests waiting almost 6 hrs for dinner. Say if there was a diabetic or pregnany guest. Very bad mannered.
Maybe establish how much of a buffet the afternoon thing is. Get fish and chips if it's not enough?
A buffet for 200 sounds utter Lord of the Flies carnage!
At least they told you.
I went to a wedding a couple of years ago and the ceremony was at 2pm but the didn't come out until about 9pm. They didn't tell us the plan. I had a banana at about 12 and was bloody starving. Not sure how I didn't eat the carpet to be honest.
Food coming out of our ears at our wedding as a consequence!
Can you have lunch at 12 before the service? Thats when we usually eat anyway.
If you can't afford a big wedding then don't have one. Don't piss off your guests instead. They will remember it.
Why not just have a later ceremony? What is everyone meant to do for nine hours?
What about children? They can't be starved, that's just mean. There's only so many biscuits I can keep my toddler happy with.
Everyone will remember this wedding for the wrong reasons. It's courtesy to be nice to your guests.
green the afternoon thing is hors d'oeuvres at best.
raisah it's not even a posh venue and I agree about being talked about for all the wrong reasons- I'd be too embarrassed to even contemplate some of the things they are doing.
Things they are doing? Plural? Is there more?
That is awful but I know a couple of my friends have been to similar weddings so it definitely goes on more than you think.
Although dh and I haven't been to any weddings like this we always now take a car picnic, we've done it several times now along with other groups of friends and it works brilliantly. This is because most weddings we go to start at 12/1pm so between trying to get ready and arrive nice and early we get no time for lunch, then there is quite often a wait on the bride arriving, followed by possible over-running of service, photos outside the church then the drive over to venue followed by lots more picture taking.
None of which I have an issue with I hasten to add as weddings all go a bit differently on the day but so many we've been to have over-run so when they planned to sit down at 4 its actually been nearer to 6 and after no food since breakfast we would end up grumpy and hungry. So now a group of us all decide what to bring and after the ceremony while they're doing all the family pics we eat along the way to the venue! We can then enjoy the day ahead without counting down the minutes to the sit down meal or be involved in a mass stampede when the buffet begins.
Buffet, I've said it once I'll say it again: cheeky pisstakers are not friends. Don't go. Send a card and kiss this sham of a friendship goodbye.
I really could go on Santana but I'd out my self so I've gone with the abridged version!
I hate weddings with big gaps, especially if there's no food! I went to one like that and many guests popped home / out to get something to eat. It was just too long and everyone was hungry.
She charged people to attend a 30th?
There are other wedding stories?
<sidles up to op and gets comfy>
Got to be a maccy d's on way to venue after church surely? I'd be hitting that, or taking own picnic!
We're very sorry we cannot come,
But I'll have an empty tum
If you do not provide a crumb
Before nine o clock doth come
Awww don't taunt us like that OP! You've name changed and everything!
Thanks expat you do talk a lot of sense.
It just really pisses me off that people think this kind of behaviour is acceptable.
I wouldn't go under these circumstances. How inconvenient.
Op you can't tease us like that.
You're safe with your name change.
Oh and I've changed my mind, I think you should go and do live updates. It's for the greater good.
If you could try to stay friendly too, for future shock stories, that would be appreciated
I mean, did you pay to go to the 30th birthday party? People only get away with being cheeky pisstakers when other people enable them to do so. 'Take a picnic' 'Get a chippy/pizza/etc.' I have a better solution: don't go!
Santana love the rhyme
santana sorry for the NC but it was necessary! The other things are really just variations on a theme (like charging for a birthday bash and extending the guest list to reduce costs and increase gifts) but are too specific to mention, just think money grabbing fuckers and you'll get the gist!
I agree with Norma, we need to hear more about this wedding.
No worries OP! Charging for a birthday!! Cheeky fecker. Have you tried charging her admission before she gets into your house?
expat fortunately we were on holiday for the surprise 30th party so missed it but those attending did pay.
I wonder though if it's all part of their grand plan.
They get married at 1pm and go for photographs with immediate family while all the
suckers guests head for the venue to complete their endurance test until 9pm. Bride, Groom and selected others will head off somewhere for an arranged sit down meal and arrive at the venue to mingle with guests some hours later.
I have learnt so much on MN that I think I might get married again.
DH & I can renew our vows.
We will invite eleventy million people out the phonebook.
We will ask them to donate money via Paypal (not bothered about cards & shit).
They will not be allowed into any church or reception venue. They can simply line the streets and throw rose petals at us as we go past. We might even wave at them if they are lucky.
They will not be fed.
Honestly patos I've been
bored to tears with told the minutae of this thing and that's not the plan - we are all going straight to the venue.
Dont take a gift, go to the ceremony & pack a picnic. Stay for the crappy evening do but nobody should give them any money. All the guests should conspire to teach them a lesson in hospitality.
I have been seen a number of times at KFC in my wedding finery, buttonhole, glam outfit, fascinator. Needs must.
LadySlatternly, you have forgotten to insist on a colour scheme and perhaps only invite 2 of each couple's children.
You used to be a friend to me,
Then you somehow couldn't see,
When you invite me to your partee (ouch)
I shouldn't need to pay an entry fee
When it comes to the day you shall be wed
We do all really need to be fed
Unreasonable? NO! MN said
With this in mind I have fled
Thus dear friend, here comes the end
My good wishes I most graciously send
Aww c'mon expat, don't be telling the OP not to go. How else can we find out what happens with the
extras guests when they finally let them at the buffet unless the OP goes
OP do you have a phone that you can update us on throughout the day?
Sorry if I've missed it but why can't you do the car picnic suggestion? If it's an hour's drive between the church and reception there's plenty of time to eat as much as you need.
Love it santana I hope you don't have copyright on that as I might just use it!
That's not the point though iborolass I for one would be mortified if I thought my wedding guests had to stop off for a picnic in order to get through the day. The bride and groom should be more considerate of their guests.
Iborolass of course OP can sit in her car in her lovely dress/suit and eat crappy sandwiches, but she shouldn't have to! The fact that it was written on the invitation shows that they know they are being really rude.
Thing is the OP really shouldn't have to be providing herself with a meal/picnic/kfc, except perhaps for a small snack to avoid too many hunger pangs until the meal is served. If you invite a guest to a wedding you should feed them. It doesn't have to be a sit down meal, it could be a buffet, one that doesn't require waiting a third of the day and is per head, so people have enough, not a set amount.
I'm afraid you really do have to go to this wedding (armed with food supplies) and then do a live update thread to tell us what it is like!!
Don't go if you are not close to the couple and not happy with the arrangements! I don't like going to weddings of people I'm not close to anyway. I start thinking about divorce stats and get all cynical!
Anyway from what I understand evening guests won't be arriving until 8pm? Is that right? Well isnt that the starting time for the evening do then?
If you have been invited for an earlier time then go early but make sure you get food before you go.
We quite often stop off for a sandwich and drink on the way to the evening venue if there is time to spare or a bit of a journey to get there. I never thought we were unusual doing that. Especially if I plan on drinking I need that food!
If you are worried about fuel costs and eating out costs then reduce your present budget.
I think it all comes down to how close you are I the bride and groom. If you care about them then you would plan accordingly and be more forgiving. If you are not close then just say you are unable to make it.
BuffetBlues And OMG what a GENIUS and apposite name change if that's what you've done
Right, I think you have WHOLLY missed two VITAL points here BBlues ...
1) You CANNOT post the above without some serious deconstruction (is the LAW on MN!!!!!) - E.G. What EXACTLY & PREISELY was the wording on the invite re 'cash" 'gifts' (we NEED to know these details!) And NADA chance of you outing yourself as: i: N/Changed; ii: tragically (just watch ANY Ep. of Four weddings..) Bridezilla is soooo NOT unusual, ergo you can't POSS out yourself by providing the details we NEEEEEDDDD.. & iii: could be ANY of the 200
cash cows'guests' that has posted?
PLEASE - ALL THOSE IN FAVOUR OF NEED FOR MORE DETAIL PLEASE POST AYE!
2) You have a MAHOOSIVE business opportunity here (genuinely!). If were me - under these truly BONKERS circs AND with 'form' - would either: i: liase with a local chippy to rock up in their van (most decent chippies do outside catering as well as front counter) at about 2.30/3.30 at venue but INSIST on a cut of profits OR: ii) would LADEN my car with M&S goodies and invite
flog/recoup costs + margin;) ALL other starving guests to partake.
Details OF ALL Buffet - provide!!! Tis MN LAW
I dont follow what you are meant to actually do all day - its the meal that constitutes the afternoon bit!
Of course they are BU. You can't leave people that long without food. Quite apart from anything else, they'll all be totally wankered. If money is a problem but you want a wedding with a lot of guests anyway, you hire a big cheap hall and ask everyone to bring a dish with them. A family friend did this a while ago and it was a great day- though the only problem was that everyone had made their elaborate signature dishes and desserts but nobody had thought to get bread, butter or napkins! One of the bride's cousins had to do a cheeky trip to the shops.
Having said that, this problem is fairly easily solved. If there's an hour's journey between ceremony and reception, that's ample time to eat. It's highly likely that you'll pass a chippy, sandwich shop etc on the way, but if it's so rural that you won't then bring a packed lunch. It sounds like the wedding will be quite shit, for several reasons, so if you can get away with not going then don't. But if you do have to go, it's easy enough to stash some food in the car.
I read that evening guests are not invited till 8pm
The ceremony is at 1.30. There is also an hour travel time to the evening venue. So people will start to get to the evening venue at 3.30 and there will only be nibbles provided until the buffet at 9pm. That is a very long time? Are you sure you are expected at the evening venue so early?
I read this and assume that the afternoon/early evening is a more casual time and I doesnt matter if you arrive at later after having some food. You could even arrive at 8pm if that is when the evening only guests arrive.
If I was invited I would either phone the bride for clarification on what is happening between 3.30 and 8pm or I would just arrive later after having food.
I think the couple have assumed people will eat before they get there.
Definitely eat as they may run out of food!
I love this thread. When Is the wedding op ? You have to go and keep us updated. Tis only fair after getting us all so excited.
what stoic said
i neeeeeeeed to know the precise wording of the we' re not feeding you fr 9 hours and thd request for cash. i agree tis mumsnet law.
Ouch. Packed lunch in the car definitely.
Trouble with 1.30 ceremony is that you have to eat really early to be seated in time.
What the hell are they going to be doing for the six hours between arriving at the venue and eating? Is it going to be one of those weddings where the bride and groom fuck off for eight squillion arty photos while the guests die of boredom?
Last wedding I went to was ExP's best mate's - ExP was the best man, so I was locked in for the whole day (prise Ex out of bed to get him down to the groom's house, sort breakfast while he was showering/shaving/etc, rush to town because we'd forgotten to get a card, etc, etc, etc). I think the wedding was about 1pm - wedding breakfast served about 2.30pm. I helped with preparing the room for the change between day guests & night guests (showing up the "fit" lads who were working in pairs to move a tbles at a time while all 5'2" of me was carrying a table by myself in a dress and 2.5"heels). I then nipped home to change shoes because the heels where starting to pinch and got back at 6ish for the evening do where the buffet we served about 7.30. I thought it went quite well myself and decided that when my time came that that was a pretty good blue print for how to arrange the day.
It's so true though - for guests, a wedding is about the food/drink. Unless something very unusual happens, what guests remember even the day after is what they personally did, so who they sat with, what they ate, and how drunk they got on what. They won't remember what readings there were, or what colour the flowers were.
If it isn't about the party, why have a party?
I'm on holiday at the moment so don't have the exact wording to hand but there was a list of 5 or 6 suggested eateries for lunch before the service as it said the buffet wouldn't be happening until the evening.
The cash request basically said as they had lived together for years they'd decided they didn't need anything that would normally be on a wedding list but would be grateful of cash.
That's even weirder. They are acknowledging that people will be hungry with nothing to do...?
Get some food on the way to the reception place. I would have thought that's what they'd expect. That's why they're telling you not to expect food until 9pm.
Pack the car boot with sandwiches in cool boxes and sell them. You'll make a killing
That does sound incredibly unreasonable and downright selfish of the bride & groom OP - and the blatant money grabbing just makes it even worse.
Much as I would also love live updates from the wedding ;) I wouldn't blame you for deciding not to go. It might cost you bridezilla's friendship but if these are her true colours than I doubt you'll lose much sleep over it! Sounds like your relationship with her has been permanently damaged by all this anyway!
Would it be worth sitting down with her one last time and telling her bluntly that she is being unreasonable and you feel people won't enjoy her wedding if they're ravenous all day and then have to get into a rugby scrum for 2 sausage rolls and a chicken leg? Worst that could happen, you fall out and get uninvited which saves you having to make the decision (or get them a gift, sorry, cash).
Jesus. I feel like a shit host if I haven't fed and watered guests who are only in my house for 15 minutes. What an unbelievably inhospitable and selfish bride and groom.
We couldn't afford to have a sit down meal for everyone we wanted to invite, so we got rid of the sit down meal entirely, had the wedding as late as we could (4.30pm was the last slot of the day) and then had a buffet for all at a venue close by.
But it's 'their day'.
And every time I hear or read this it makes me mad because as far as I'm concerned 'their day' weddings mean the bride and groom should piss off and get married without inviting guests to put with 'their day'.
Guests need to be treated with courtesy and their needs put first. That's why they are g-u-e-s-t-s.
If there is no food until 9pm what are you going to be doing all day in between?
There is no way I could last that long without food! What about people with diabetes/health concerns that need to eat? And children (or is it child free?)
If you want to go (which it sounds like you don't) I would go for a meal on the way to the reception venue....
The only children will be the bride and grooms 3 who are bridesmaid/ page boys and I believe they are being fed earlier. I have visions of grown men stealing chips from these poor kids plates as they eat!
Tell us more about their touting for money.
And please, please, don't go to this fecking sham of a wedding or pay a penny to these cheeky feckers.
I have visions of the bride and groom being the only ones at the evening bit plus those who are just invited to the evening as everyone else is at a local eater having a large party without them .
We got married at 4 and had a huge hot and cold buffet at 8. People still whined. Agree 1 til 8 is a bit much though.
My DH just reminded me that at my aunt's wedding there was a whip round for pizza to be delivered once the 2 trays of dinky canapes had disappeared. It's become family legend now but was not so funny at the time.
This isn't a wedding, it's a mugging and YWBVU to go unless you ostentatiously bring a picnic or round up the other guests and head out for a curry.
Aside from the fact that there's no food for 9 hours or whatever (I'd be STARVING!) what on earth are you all supposed to DO for the 9 hours?!
There's going to be a lot of pissed up people falling about all over the place and inhaling the buffet table at 9om...
This justs even more as:
'don't have the exact wording to hand but there was a list of 5 or 6 suggested eateries for lunch before the service as it said the buffet wouldn't be happening until the evening.
TRANSLATES TO: ceremony starts 1.30, so you
& all their other very 'welcomed' 'guests' realistically will be...
...rocking up 1ish? 1.15 LATEST. And unless church is RIGHT in middle of a village/town with said 'eateries' ("as we are SO not feeding you; it's your presents we're after, not your presence") immed next to it, it's gotta be, but I'm guessing prob even more, a MINIMUM 15min 'exit eateries/get in car/park car/get arse in pew
bank queue' - so to arrive at church on time, you'd be LEAVING 'lunch' at 12.45??!!
Which would mean START 'lunch' at 11.30/45? Which is: A) Brunch not lunch; B) STILL over NINE hours of not eating???
NINE HOURS??!!! - and that's for those who do fork (no pun intended...) out for Brunchlunch first?? Never mind rude, that's frickin obscene and sooooooooooooooooooo RUDE! It's also lethal for anyone's blood sugar levels, and then with alcohol on top??
Tis NUTSVILLE land BB, one would enter at own peril Please, don't risk your passport; your health; or your - SHEDLOADS - of cash (Travel; Brunchlunch; outfits; 'gifts'
'clean £50 notes only please Dear 'Guests' et al)
[OMG, just thought - re cash outlay (yours, obv!), bet it's a pay bar too? So you'll be paying for the privildge of passing out at their
fund-raiser wedding too???]
Oh, and I'm sooooo with Xiaoxiong
Never mind feeling appropriate embarrassment at rudeness of NOT offering hospitality, I am always so feckin worried someone might go hungry, or not having stuff they may like, that I cater for bloody England if having peeps over. ALWAYS make too much (as no way would I not make enough!) and then positively FOISTING platefuls of food on guests as they leave too
This wedding has the potential to be the worst ever in mn history.
OP it's very simple. Just bring a nice big cool bag along with you. Fill it with some nice sandwiches and a bit of salad and set up your own little lunch in the corner of the reception.
Watch as you become the most popular people there all of a sudden!
That's why I'm so annoyed about it all stoic the invitation could have been summarised by saying we're too tight to pay for a meal for the all day guests so if you want to eat before hand you can pay for yourselves but it will have to be shortly after you've wiped the crumbs from your breakfast from your mouths and by the way, we'd like you to give us cash for attending our special day!
Just go to the church if it's local and take a token gift like a photo frame.
So are you going or not?
Why bother? Decline and move on.
It's not that easy just to say no though as it will mean permanently falling out with them but I am at the point where it's the only option I can see.
I've heard a pretty horrific story about a wedding who chose to do this, in fact by a hotel we were looking at as wedding option. The wedding planner said it was awful as when the buffet came out, the people at the front of the queue were really piling their plates so high there was nothing left for the people at the end of the queue. As you can imagine people at the end of the queue not best pleased, ended with very threatening FOTB, sobbing bride, very drunk and hungry guests. Hotel said they wouldn't allow that to happen again.
I went to one where they didn't, it was a small wedding & big party in the evening with buffet. We just had to sit round hotel lobby ( as we're too far from home) and ordered snacks & paid ourselves. Wasn't a massive deal.
Get something to eat on the way to the reception.
If it's an hour's journey, then that's very easily extended.
That's if you want to see them married of course. If you are annoyed enough at their arrangements to no longer want to share in that, then decline their invitiation.
People are weird about weddings on here. Or maybe I'm just unusually compliant...
'It's not that easy just to say no though as it will mean permanently falling out with them but I am at the point where it's the only option I can see.'
Sure it is! You don't like them because they are tight-fisted pisstakers. You don't want to be there, or give them cash and then pay to eat and drink or eat out of a cool bag with an all-day picnic disguised as a wedding. Who would? What if it tips rain all day? What's to lose? Decline and drift away.
I've just read a few comments about telling couple that you either won't go due to food, or make a statement that you have to leave as you are starving.
I really wouldn't go there. This will probably upset & offend couple who are trying to please everyone, yet I'm guessing on a very limited budget. I would either take a picnic, or order a bar snack. Why be the person to make a big deal of it and possibly spoil the best day of their lives?
expat you have summed it up beautifully and I'm now pretty sure that giving them my money and allowing them to take the piss like this will annoy me more than the loss of their friendship would. It's a real showing of true colours.
BB IS it going to be a cash bar?
on top of all else
I hear what you are saying illustrated but I fail to see how the bride and groom having the best day of their lives should mean every one else has a shit day. As others have said, I've no idea what we will be doing all afternoon.
Obviously stoic that was a given!
Was anyone's wedding really the best day of their lives? Mine were enjoyable but I never expected them to be the highlight of my life, just a ceremony and party.
Oh FFS. ALL of it is just outright piss taking - and a mockery of what a wedding should be too (IMHO).
BB - UBER genuine Q? *Can you please post each 'cost' item and list cost total (IE to YOU - EG Tavel=£xx; 'gift'=£xy.. you get gist...) and please post that break down of costs and then total amount? Truly, please include EVERY single cost - and then the total - and post it here.
And then please don't go to this fucking charade of a mick-take of their mates and donate all or a % of THAT money to the MN'ers on the Wooley (Bereavement) threads who are trying SO hard to make a difference to people with REAL needs.*
Fuck. Am actually angry at this now - it UTTER piss take
And yep, I AM with those who are saying is this REALLY someone you want to be/remain friends with? As their core values (re ALL - from wedding to guests to piss-take to cash-point seekers whilst guests starve AND buy their own drinks) truly reflect people I would want NOTHING to do with.
And for avoidance of doubt, by that I do NOT mean - the many & genuine people doing their wedding on a budget in these tough times - ANY wedding that may be 'frugal' in ways; or very 'different/unique' as the loving couple seek a way AROUND cash issues to HAVE their special day AND their special friends as part of it. Am referring SOLELY to scenario painted here - am surprised hasn't just asked for your card and PIN number TBH
Ooh no 2rebecca. Ceremony and meal. Lots of more exciting days afterwards.
Grrrr - BOTH caps. & 'bold' fail! Was MEANT to be....
'Can you please post each 'cost' item and list cost total (IE to YOU - EG Tavel=£xx; 'gift'=£xy.. you get gist...) and please post that break down of costs and then total amount? Truly, please include EVERY single cost - and then the total - AND POST IT HERE?
And yes - seemingly as EVER - am in UTTER agreement with Expat.
Up to you if you want to be friends with theses Buffet spoilers, but all I can say is I got married 2 years ago, and wedding breakfast set us back 5k, not to mention 2k for evening buffet. That was without any drinks or canopes. A heck of a lot of money by any standards, and believe you me we did the maths on many venues and this was pretty average. You can begin to see why someone might not be able to afford the cost of the earlier meal.
The most unforgettable wedding I have ever been to was one where the bride and groom decided they could afford either a barn dance (30yrs ago) or food. They chose the barn dance. Many of us had driven over 300 mile to get there. It was a complete disaster. Guests watched in amazement as the bride,groom bridesmaids etc openly wandered around with plates of sandwiches and crisps but there was absolutely nothing for anybody else. Actually I lie, there was a wedding cake which was devoured by the first 20 guests to get to it. Nobody went to the barn dance and within about 2hrs everybody had decided to start the long journey home. We still talk about it today.
Yes but illustration there are plenty of other things they could do.
They could have punch and cake in the church hall, then everyone go to the pub.
They could have an earlier buffet for everyone and not have another load of people arriving later on who will also need food.
They could have a later ceremony so there's less time to wait for the buffet.
They could have a venue within walking distance of the church, or vice versa, so there isn't an hour of travelling between them therefore allowing people time to get food on their own.
And that's without touching the guest list.
Yes you are right, but without actually asking why they haven't done any of the above, is it ok to assume they are doing it to spite their guests? Weddings are very political and soo hard to please everyone!
I agree, I think the 2 tier wedding thing is rather nasty in an "I'd like you to buy me a present and come to my wedding but I don't like you enough to invite you to the actual wedding that is the important bit."
If you can only afford to cater for 40 guests then you only invite 40 guests.
For my weddings the time of the wedding was as important as the venue. I didn't want the faff of organising 2 meals (or to pay for them!) so only looked at venues that could do mid afternoon weddings. Only 1 tier of guests, one good quality meal at 7ish, free bar.
So you're to partake of the buffet intended for the evening crowd as well; having sat around for 6/7 hours like gobshites?
Tight gits. If you can't afford to cater for your guests, why invite them in the first place? Do they not get how idiotic it makes them look; inviting people to their wedding and not being prepared to / able to afford to spring for a meal???
Tell me, did they include a gift list? If they had one of those cash request poems there're beyond redemption...
I can't see anyone who would be offended by the ceremony being held later compared to this plan. Whilst I agree it is hard to please everyone (we had our full quota of demanding and warring family members) and weddings are bloody expensive this just is not a good solution for anyone. If they'd had a smaller wedding then some people might have been upset at not being invited. But this way, everyone who they invite is going to be pissed off - so more people than would have been with a smaller do.
My brother got married on Friday, think they got it pretty right - ceremony at 1, very quick photo session whilst food was prepared but in the meantime guests could help themselves to drinks / snacks in the kitchen of the place they hired if they wished ( barn at thw bottom of mount snowdon ) then pretty rustic buffet ( I was in cheese heaven )
All tables were laden with drinks even tho it was bring your own drinks as no license.
Hog roast was served at 9. We were stuffed and relaxed all day, weddings should be an enjoyable day, not an endurance test !
Nobody has to hang around starving. You could get something to eat on the way to the reception.
All this stuff about core values is daft.
Some people go a bit crazy when they are planning a wedding. I have friends I've watched with increasing incredulity as they make daft decisions, usually because they are running around in circles trying to accomodate everyone who has an opinion on how their wedding should be (and there are often a fair few of those).
Chances are, if they are lovely enough to be friends before, then they will be lovely again afterwards, and ditching them over a badly timed buffet is not sensible.
I remember going to a wedding with these timings , everyone was completely trollied by 6pm even the most straight laced . Champagne and very empty stomachs is not s good mixture
2rebecca I entirely agree and will never understand the day/evening guest thing. I know it's UK culture and know no offence is meant, but there is no way not to be construed as a B-list guest if you're only invited to the evening, particularly if you show up and the speeches are still going on and you sit around like a lemon until they deign to let you in.
'but all I can say is I got married 2 years ago, and wedding breakfast set us back 5k, not to mention 2k for evening buffet. That was without any drinks or canopes. A heck of a lot of money by any standards, and believe you me we did the maths on many venues and this was pretty average. You can begin to see why someone might not be able to afford the cost of the earlier meal.'
Then you have a smaller wedding or go for a potluck in a church or village hall. Or piss off your guests.
2Rebecca I agree. I've been to loads of weddings in N. America, most of them Latina but many from all sorts of backgrounds and religions. Never heard of this 2-tier/evening do stuff until I came to the UK.
I've been to plenty of alcohol-free weddings, Christian and Muslim, and even potluck wedding receptions where the reception was held in a barn or similar type venue and you bring plates of food to share and the couple lay on a few kegs and limited wine/spirits and you're invited to bring the booze of your choice as well, BBQs, knees up in bars, restaurant function room, etc. Or alcohol-free Christian weddings where you went to the wedding, then reception after in the church hall with buffet and cake and juices to drink.
Still never heard of this 'evening do' thingy.
Latinas tend to marry later in the afternoon, 4 or 5PM, and then everyone invited goes to the reception immediately after.
It's supposed to be a party to celebrate with guests and share.
YANBU. The guests will be eating each other by 9pm!
We got married at 12.30, had canapés/drinks directly after and a meal at 6. We still got complaints people were starving!
I just think you should make your arrangements in line with your budget and if you can't afford to invite loads if people and ensure they all have a good time, you opt for a later service or a smaller guest list. Believe me, there are somee big ticket items included in this wedding at the expense of feeding people, simply because the bride and groom want those things more than they want to ensure their guests enjoy the day.
I confess we did have evening guests - but it was limited to work colleagues. DH and I worked in the same place, over 100 staff and between us we knew a lot of them. There had also been quite a few weddings and it was the norm for that group to do evening invites to workmates.
I love this thread.
As much as I want you to go op
in order to report back I would not be going.
I still don't understand why they can't have the service latter if they only want to provide one lot of food.
They will end up with people so drunk they will be vomiting. And very grumpy people. I wouldn't go as my DH is Diabetic and I would tell them this.
"Sorry can't come, the lack of food for 9 hours would give DH a hypo."
People have VERY long memories of bad weddings and this one will be one of them. In ten years time the guests will be saying "Do you remember that crappy wedding where there was no food and everyone got shit faced and ill?"
I know it's horrible but that's the only reason I might end up going chocs as I'll never appreciate the true horror of it all if I don't go.
Who oh why are people so fucking self centred though? Who honestly sits down and says our guests will forget they are starving because this live band are brilliant??
Everyone will hate them by 9pm.
Surely this is going to backfire because people will drift off to buy food etc and end up at the chippy or local pub and Bridezilla will go into meltdown because noone is -hanging around
starving- going to be there ?
What are people going to do for eight hours? Apart from getting very very drunk. Chatting for that amount of time gets a bit boring. I feel sorry for any guests who won't know anyone else. Painful.
You have to keep your guests happy.
Yes, I can just imagine the bride and groom saying "where is everybody?" around 7pm when there's just a few drunken stragglers left.
Illustration, we couldn't afford to pay for two meals when we got married, so we had a 4pm wedding.
And I suspect "the best day of their lives" is more likely to be spoiled by all the guests who've been drinking for seven hours or so on an empty stomach who then end up falling asleep in shrubberies, vomiting luxuriantly or getting into fights.
Love this thread. Whether you end up going or not, you have to let us know how it all turns out.
My prediction is 50% of guests horribly drunk and throwing up. 50% just giving up and going home.
And, yes, people will remember this wedding for DECADES.
Buffetblues you have to go for us all with blow by blow details of the day
It really does make me sad to think that people will think so ill of them. I've tried and tried to make them see why their plans won't suit everyone but they are so wrapped up in all this shit, they can't see it how everyone else will. Still, it'll be a wedding to remember, if only for all the wrong reasons.
Are they having any other food available for the time in between? Might not have to be a proper main meal, but perhaps little things to eat as you go along?
You could perhaps have an early lunch, before the ceremony? Or indeed, take a picnic...
Is this a British thing, that you don't have cake in the afternoons? (Only British wedding I've ever been to, the wedding cake was eaten after dinner and after dessert...How odd. Nobody seemed particularly interested in it at that point.)
We (and our guests) will have a late breakfast (about 10/11 am). Our ceremony will be at 2pm, buffet dinner at about 8pm.
In between, we are having the wedding cake and some other cakes, tea, coffee. My family spend hours having coffee and cake. I've also asked for there to be fresh fruit on offer throughout the day.
We are getting married in the middle of August as well and temperatures are likely to be in the 30s; I don't think anyone would want proper food too early in the day. So I can understand it from that viewpoint.
Then you have a smaller wedding or go for a potluck in a church or village hall.
Exactly. The very best wedding I ever attended was for a young couple with very little money (but many friends) that was held in the US equivalent of a village hall. They asked the guests to bring food and drink in lieu of gifts. There was recorded music and people played the piano. There was a real sense of community, much dancing, singing, and merrymaking, and the food was excellent and plentiful.
I'm really grateful for all the comments on here. It's made me realise it's not me in the wrong and that there was an alternative the bride and groom could have opted for, but instead they've gone for the maximum reward for minimum outlay option, which, quite frankly sucks, and in which I intend to play no part.
What a shame. I hope it doesn't have repurcussions for your friendship that you regret when the wedding craziness wears off.
Thatssofunny- I would find that a bit of stretch, just having cake for lunch! breakast at 10/11- dinner at 8pm = 9 or 10 hours between meals!
I do agree about wedding cake though. Why serve it when everyone's full?
Big ticket items OP? Are they having a horse drawn carriage as well as a live band?
I went to a wedding similar to this three years ago. Wedding was at 1.30pm and food wasnt until 8-9 pm and that was long enough. I remember nipping into Greggs with one of the bridesmaids at 8.30 in the morning for sausage rolls.
So having to eat on the run like this usually works out to be an unhealthy option as well.
I too have been to several weddings with timings like this - without exception feckin' carnage. People drank too quickly through nerves, hunger, awkwardness. Guests had disappeared by the time the meal came, most people were hammered, the speeches well even now I getting embarrassed remembering them. We also werent allowed into the reception room until the meal was due to get underway, so there were all these people fighting over a few chairs in a lobby area.
It's telling that I've been to quite a few weddings and these ones are the ones I remember best and not for good reasons.
I can't believe anyone would do this! I would be really embarrassed about my guests being hungry, wtf are they thinking?!
This would never happen at an Italian wedding NEVER.
My jaw is on the floor, OP, at your 'friends'. I wouldn't go, and I'd probably feel relieved to not be friends with them any more.
Just thought I'd chip in a bit with regard to two-tier weddings/day and evening guest lists :
Traditionally, you married from your parents' house (you still lived with them, your fiancé lived with his parents - OK, I'm an old git, but that was how it was all those years ago) and your parents were the ones footing the bill. So, the guest list for the sit-down-meal reception was the people that THEY wanted to invite. Great Auntie Ethel et al, who you last saw when you were 6. Your parents' best friends, who invited them to the weddings of their children. Favourite neighbours and work pals. As a pretence that you had any say in anything, bride and groom were allowed to invite their friends to an evening do (dancing to Fat Boab's Disco and a buffet of sausage rolls and cheese sandwiches). So today's weddings, even though paid for by the bride and groom themselves, still have that historical hangover.
I'd go and stay sober and keep going out for snacks. Just to watch it all unfold
But am really glad you've decided not to bother.
WhereYouLeftIt How these customs develop is very interesting. It is also interesting to me that some of these same historical conditions existed in the US (the bride's parents paying and making the guest decisions in days of yore), but that the two-tiered system did not develop here.
I wonder if the time of day has anything to do with it. If I remember correctly, at one time weddings in the UK could not legally be after a certain hour. If the wedding is at noon, there is a whole day to be planned for. Most of the weddings I have attended in the US have been late afternoon or early evening weddings so that the only celebration/party was at night. And I think that may stem in some part from the fact that before air conditioning, summer weddings in the US (especially in the South where I am from) had to be at night because of the heat.
You need to go missing at some point and have a pub lunch.
BB For a 'compare and contrast', check this thread out - think may be the final piece of perspective mirror you need vis your friend's idea of what a wedding is/what it's all about/what makes a day special even if IS on tight budget...
Just to explain the whole wedding cake thing, yes it is rather odd, but all the venues we tried do not allow you to serve the cake as pudding. I guess it's just another way for them to make money, and they are usually ok with it being served up with the buffet.
It's not unusual, most of my friends came up against the same problem. I would have loved to serve my cake as pudding, would have saved us a few hundred...
Buffet, I realise you're pretty upset about this wedding, have you considered/asked the following:
Were they given any other time options to get married? We HAD to get married at 12:30 as there were no other slots left that Saturday
Did the couple face a lot of family pleasing? My family were pretty insistent that we invited extended family, some of whom I hadn't seen for years, and mil had an invite list as long as her arm of friends they considered family.
Parents really wanted us to have 'a nice venue' and acted pretty hurt when we talked about running off, or having a small wedding and a big party in the night.
The bride has warned you about the food gap, is she a tad embarrassed and hoping some of her guests will bring snacks as they could not afford the 'wedding breakfast'?
Have you had a conversation with them voicing your concerns?
Do you actually like the couple?
If they were given a 4pm time slot option, no family pressure and are oblivious to your concerns, and well actually you don't really like them, no point in going.
Btw I think the 2 tier system developed as weddings are so freaking expensive you'd need to take out a mortgage to pay for all your guests to come all day ( and yes we did our own flowers, friend made our cake, didn't hire a car, made our own invites, place cards etc).
Assuming, of course, that someone was holding a gun to their heads forcing them to get married on that particular day in August. And that there were no alternative reception venues in the area that would give them more flexible catering options.
Just to add to what Whereyouleftit said - think about the royal wedding, that's the more traditional way to do it- so the meal and day reception happens straight after the wedding, but then there'd be a couple of hours break and then an evening ball/party which is a separate event (normally with separate clothes). The evening one would be the 'big' do. Weddings normally happened in the morning, then the wedding breakfast would be more like a lunch, the evening party not being a rolling on of a whole day event.
Also re the cake - traditionally you served that in the evening, but your wedding 'meal' had been lunch. Also slices would be posted to people who were unable to go to the wedding, and most people took the cake away to have at home. There's lots of old wives tales relating to wedding cake, I believe one was unmarried woman should eat half a slice they were given before bed, putting the other half under their pillow and they'd dream of their own wedding day and groom.
At all the weddings I went to as a child in the 70s you went home for a few hours after the wedding breakfast and got changed for the evening party. That doesn't work now as most people have friends and family living all over the place, but everybody wants the day and evening part. It makes the whole thing so long.
Even if cost and timings were a problem for the couple, there are hundreds of ways they can have a wedding that doesn't involve pissed, starving guests.
The reason they've told you it's such a long wait is exactly so you can sort yourself out with a picnic or a stop off at a restaurant on the way. If they weren't happy for you to do that they wouldn't have mentioned it as no point.
Honestly ghoul that really isn't their intention. The details were given to ensure people filled up before they go to the church and they think people will happily mill around and chat from about 4pm until the band start and the food is served in the evening.
I can see that they might find the time flies as they will know everyone but we'll only know some people and will be bored stiff as far as I can see.
The entire thing sounds awful. It will be the longest day ever.
There have been a number of variants on the two-tier approach developing in previous years, though, which usually seem to involve guests being treated less and less like guests and more like extras in the 'special day' of the happy couple who have to work things out to meet the bride and groom's specifications.
For example, it seems increasingly common for people to be told that they are invited to the ceremony, but not to the formal wedding breakfast straight afterwards which is for a very small number of select guests only (usually 'for cost reasons' again ) but that they are then invited to the evening do. So people now go to the ceremony, then have to work out where there is a nearby pub they can go to to eat at their own expense, then come back for the evening do - lots of reference to this in this thread, as well as elsewhere on MN, show that this has become an established pattern. Now I get all the stuff about weddings being expensive, but it still seems to be that this is basically expecting people to put themselves out around you, and also that it puts into place lots of layers of distinction between different groups of guests. I would much rather have a more inexpensive meal for everyone than serve top class fillet steak but have only immediate family there and send the rest to the pub to buy their own lunch, but clearly many people think the opposite. And to do this with people who're travelling is really rude - I have a friend who was invited to a wedding at the other end of the country on this basis. If you want people to drive for 6 hours to your do, at least stand them lunch!
Much as I dislike the 'go away for lunch and come back' model that's emerged, the situation described here by the OP seems even worse. At least allow people to get food themselves, if you aren't going to feed them! Although the notion of 'allowing' should really be challenged. If people stop off at a pub on the way, what are the couple going to do? Not let anyone in who was a day guest but who arrives after 4pm
smelling of fries and onion rings? That won't keep their precious numbers up.
My advice to you OP is to go (to please us all ) and get as many people on board to meet you at a convenient eaterie for an 'alternative' wedding breakfast before you carry on to the 'real' reception.
The reason they've told you it's such a long wait is exactly so you can sort yourself out with a picnic or a stop off at a restaurant on the way. If they weren't happy for you to do that they wouldn't have mentioned it as no point.
But it's still inexcusable for a bride and groom to expect people to make their own arrangements for food at an all day wedding.
They could have had one all day party, a pot luck lunch, a cheaper menu, fewer guests etc etc. I think that telling guests they'll starve til 9 unless they bring food is a very unwelcoming start to a wedding!
Quite honestly, if the bride(zilla) is as bad as all this, easiest answer is don't go and why are you even friends with such a person?!
I would overlook certain aspects of a wedding for people I like, but make an excuse up not to go if I really didn't like the couple.
This begs the question, should you attend the wedding of somebody you actually don't like?
If you are close enough to them to want to go to their wedding if there was food laid on, then you should go anyway, get food on the way to the reception and whinge about the arrangements with the other guests.
if you are not close enough to them to want to go to their wedding anyway, decline the invitation.
but I don't think disapproving of someone's bonkers wedding arrangements is reason enough to decline on its own if you would otherwise go.
Loads of posts since I last looked at this thead but flowery has summed up my view - if you want to go, go and take food, if not just decline the invite.
I'm surprised at the strength of feeling on this thread, is it really such a big deal to get so worked up about?
Reminds me of DH's cousin's wedding in Ireland. Big 200 guest affair. Ceremony was around 1, so we had to leave the house at 12, so the llatest we could eat brunch was 11.30. Fortunately my SiL had a young baby and had rung the venue to enquire about times and was told that it was dinner around 6-7 ish, so we took sandwiches. The bride and groom went off for their pictures on the beach while the guests lurked around... and lurked around... The time for dinner came and went... Apparently it was deliberately delayed for some sports match on tv. Only biscuits and coffee avaliable to stop the guests eating eachother. By the time the dinner was finished (bland, over boiled) we politely stayed for the first dance before heading home exhausted.
It didn't help that I didn't know the couple, but despite being with my close ILs and getting to meet some extended family it was the most tedious, dull and impersonal wedding I've been to.
iIt was a valuable learning experience for my wedding the following year where guests were briefed on timings, advised of a llocal place to eat before the ceremony (many were travelling, so thought an early local lunch would help) and lots of nibbles and refreshments to keep them going at the reception. The only complaint I ever heard was there was too much good food to manage. Beats starvation!
I see what you're saying flowery and iberolass and in the grand scheme of things it's not worth getting overly stressed about it.
I actually think I would have been happier about it all if we'd just tunred up for the day and seen what happened. What irrates me so much is the fact it is all so pre-planned and it's clear the bride and groom can see it is going to be a problem but have chosen to inform the guests in advance rather than doing something about preventing the issue from occuring.
I also think that it's going to be virtually impossible to tell them why I'm so pissed off without ruining their day as the arrangement are made now. If they go ahead as planned people will talk about this wedding for all the wrong reasons but I won't have to be the miserable git who moaned about it so I might take the cowards way out and accidently book a holiday over the weekend of the wedding.
I do agree that it's not acceptable and they are being selfish, but I don't think I'd ditch a friend I'd known since the age of 6 over their wedding arrangements. I'd certainly moan about it plenty but I would still go, grabbing a crafty McDs on the way and being late to the reception.
But if you were on the verge of ditching her anyway, and were umming and ahhing about whether to go before knowing the arrangements, then maybe it is a ditching thing.
I've been getting so wound up becuase of the arrangements so it really is only that that has prompted these feelings. I think I'm going to keep my distance and see how things work out but, as I said, get out of the wedding by going on holiday.
For those who asked if this was the only wedding slot available or was there family pressure on the timings- to my knowledge there was not. This is exactly what they wanted. The wedding has been in the planning for almost 2 years so there has been stacks of time to ensure the timings are as good as they could have been. I knew about a lot of it but seeing it in black and white when I got my invite on Saturday just annoyed me as its so self centred.
A friend of mine through work has commented to me as they are so surprised to have been invited because they are not really close and haven't seen the couple for ages. As I had a vague recollection of the bride telling me when they booked the venue about a year ago that it was a fixed price buffet I have put 2 and 2 together (maybe unfairly but I doubt it) and assumed it is because the food will cost them the same no matter what the numbers but it is unlikely any guests will come to the wedding without a present.
It was the cash request that tipped me over the edge- it really could have been summarised by saying we can't afford to pay for more than one meal but we want an all day wedding and would like you to give us cash as a reward for allowing you to be a part of our big day.
That's interesting whereyouleftit I never saw the evening do like that before. It does make sense and I think if it's a big group of people and positioned as a very different sort of event it wouldn't bother me...
(the way it did when we were one of only 3 couples - no exaggerating - invited to attend an evening event...I felt like a huge idiot entering waiting outside for plates to be cleared for the meal...no one believes me but it's true...)
I posted on that other thread about how to keep costs down...I agree with not blowing a fortune on a wedding but I think it's really important to get a sense check with some ideas as to what extent you've lost sight of the guests.
I don't think disapproving of someone's bonkers wedding arrangements is reason enough to decline on it's own if you would otherwise go
Otherwise being if the arrangements weren't bonkers, I presume?
I can't really follow that logic...
You should put up with any old shite because if it it wasn't shite you wouldn't mind...
but I don't think disapproving of someone's bonkers wedding arrangements is reason enough to decline on its own if you would otherwise go.
It so is! half the MN threads over the summer are slagging off bridezillas. It's all part of the fun!
Wow, and I thought DP's cousin was bad - they had their ceremony at 2, the reception was an hour away, we all got to the hotel and had a biscuit and glass of fizzy by 3.30, they faffed around with photos in three different venues (!) and arrived at 5. The meal wasn't until 8 and my poor DS (aged 2) and I (12 weeks pg) were starving and he was ready for bed. And to add insult to injury they did the speeches before the meal!!
Turn up with LOADS of pork pies for everyone.
"I don't think disapproving of someone's bonkers wedding arrangements is reason enough to decline on it's own if you would otherwise go
Otherwise being if the arrangements weren't bonkers, I presume?
I can't really follow that logic... "
Um. I'll try and explain the logic more clearly.
Weddings are important occasions to the couple. Many people put up with all sorts of inconveniences, go to all sorts of expense and trouble, in order to attend the weddings of family friends and loved ones. Because if its someone you care about and you possibly can, that's just what you do.
Therefore, if the relationship the guest has with the bride/groom is such that they would ordinarily make the effort to go to the wedding, disapproving of the wedding arrangement/a minor inconvenience like having to get own food in between service and reception should not in itself be enough to justify refusing to go altogether. Especially in circumstances where the guest thinks as the OP does, that it will mean the end of the friendship.
Flowery speaks sense. As you could easily just feed yourself during the wedding, they won't notice if you go missing for an hour. even if they are bonkers, you should go and see them get married if they are close friends.
The OP doesn't like her because she's pisstaking cheapskate who charged people to attend a 30th birthday party on top of years of other pisstaking cheapskate behaviour.
I really don't get why you'd bother staying friends with someone like this, BB. Life is too short.
As for the whole, feed yourself, what's wrong with saying, 'Nah, I think that's rude. I'm going to pass on this invite'?
This whole 'it's their special day' is bollocks. Let's face it, other than immediate family and very close friends, no one really gives a fuck that you're getting married.
no one really gives a fuck that you're getting married
Couldn't have said it better myself, expat
expat tells it like it is.
I think I love expat!
Totally summed up my thoughts- no one else really gives a shit about your wedding day so you should try and make everyone elses experience of your wedding as memorable (for the right reasons) as possible and not have this arrogant attitude that your wedding even registers on anyone else's radar.
It's as if they are saying "it's such a privilege to be invited, that you won't mind being starved for 9 hours or bringing a picnic to save us paying for a day reception. You'll be so flattered to be invited that you won't mind the hypos, faintness, discomfort and drunkenness. Oh and we want cash please."
Soooooooooooooooo bad, nut nada if not honest
Love expat so much that may have to add her to the thread of 'who would turn you?'
Mine were: Jillian Michaels and Pink.
for Expat may now have to add another
but - obv. NOT 'nut'
Look, I think they sound like absolute arseholes with no idea about how to look after guests, but you really need to chill out. This isn't even your wedding, and you're acting like a complete obsessive about it. No amount of moaning or complaining will make them see that they are idiots, so you need to get over it. Either go, and stop for food on the way (there's an hours drive, which is plenty of time to do the maccas drive through window, or take some sandwiches and it won't even delay your journey by more than a minute or two) and then laugh about it for years afterwards, or just don't go. You're going to make yourself absolutely miserable over something that is not that big of a deal in the grand scheme of things. Is it really going to be the very worst day of your life if you only get a happy meal or some sandwiches for afternoon tea and eat your dinner a bit later?
If I were you , rather than give them cash, I would buy them the shittiest present ever for about a fiver. A tacky ornament or photo frame. Something you know they would hate. And say something like you know they asked for money but thought it would be nice for them to have something to keep to remind them of their special day!!
I agree they're being twats BUT there is nothing to stop anyone getting some food / going shopping/ watching half of Homeland , between leaving the church and arriving at the reception. I would go home and come back at 7pm if I lived locally
The longest drinks reception I've ever experienced at a wedding was 2.5 hrs (free flowing champagne and plenty of canopes and I knew tonnes of people). It was still about half an hour too long. I know most planners receommend 60-90 mins between arrival at reception and going in for the meal.
Almost 400 post and expat has come in and summed up the entire thread in one go.
Don't go just send them a card with no cash in it and imagine the looks on their faces when they open it.
When I got married, I didn't give a damn about presents or cash I just wanted to have a really fun, relaxed day with close family and friends.
Straight after the ceremony we had a garden party with huge homemade buffet and loads of booze. Then dancing in the village hall at night with curry and cake. It was so much fun and didn't cost much money at all. No dress code. Oh, and kids were more than welcome!
Or how about giving them a nice cutlery set?
How did they word their cash request? Is it really worse than sending a gift list? So many couples live together before they marry that they have everything they need, and before I get slated by people saying why do they need more? Well obviously they don't, but you get asked by so many people what you'd like, it is easiest to say money so you can put it towards something bigger. Is it really any different asking for cutlery to asking for the money you would have put towards the cutlery?
Illustration have have said previously they just said they didn't need houeshold items so they would like cash.
It's not the asking for cash as such that annoyed me, it was the fact that it was in an invitation which basically said feed yourself before the ceremony as we're not forking out for an afternoon meal but we want you to give us cash for allowing you to be part of our big day. It's like the guests are essentially funding the wedding by giving them cash.
As expat so eloquently put it, no-one else really gives a fuck about their big day. IMO a guest's wedding gift should reflect the amount of effort the couple have gone to to ensure the guests enjoy the day. I mean it is a Saturday at the end of the school holidays- lots of people have plenty of other things they could be doing.
Anyway- as midnite said- I'm letting this get to me far too much! Practically everyone on this thread has agreed that they are out of order so I know those who do attend the wedding will see how selfish and tight the couple have been.
I can't believe people invite guests to the ceremony but exclude them from the meal afterwards. Does this really happen?!
When are the speeches going to be? Surely you won't have to sit through them on an empty stomach?
"The OP doesn't like her because she's pisstaking cheapskate who charged people to attend a 30th birthday party on top of years of other pisstaking cheapskate behaviour."
That's absolutely fair enough, and reason not to be friends with her and not to go to the wedding anyway.
For me, it isn't so much the food issue (easy to take a few sandwiches along or whatever), it's the fact you're meant to entertain yourselves for four hours until the reception starts. What an effing cheek!
The worst wedding I have been to was when we were afternoon/evening guests (they only had immediate family and a few friends at the tiny church and then for lunch). The majority of guests arrived at about 3. There was one glass of champagne during the speeches (which we all had to stand for) and then a pay bar, and a buffet at about 8 or 9, but by that time the main wedding guests were also hungry again so by the time we got to the buffet there was nothing left. Everyone was STARVING and there was nowhere to sit.
I don't think the OP would be as bothered if she didn't like the couple. In all her posts she is very concerned about what everyone else will think and how the couple will be viewed, treated and abandoned by other people. She has tried to drop hints, but the bride is impervious. I get a very strong sense that she doesn't want the couple to make a mistake that will have long lasting consequences.
Any single thing (eg having expensive bridal underwear instead of welcome drinks, having a reception at an inconvenient distance from the ceremony, asking for cash, having the ceremony at an awkward time) isn't enough to put you off a wedding, but deliberately choosing all of them with apparently no mitigating brilliance ("the food was late but there was so much and it was so good I thought DH would have to roll me home") is asking a lot of people who, as expat so succinctly says, don't really care that you're getting married.
Are you going to go to what sounds like the wedding of the year? When is it actually? Looking forward to hearing what they actually have planned to keep guests entertained for the afternoon. I would be intrigued to go for sheer morbid curiosity more than anything! pack some food and drink and just try spend the minimum possible you can so this crappiest day ,which you will never get back ,won't cost you too much.
Monkey, the wedding is at the end of August. It does sound brilliant.
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