To never speak to my family ever again?

(123 Posts)
squeegee Sun 05-May-13 15:37:59

Longtime user, new name. This will be long, and I'm still mad as hell so I apologise in advance if it's a bit all over the place.

Today is my fathers birthday and the whole family got together for lunch at my sisters house - DH, me, our DC (DTS5, DD1(3), DD2(9mths) and DH nephew (4), whom we have custody of) Stepmother, who has been around for ever and is like blood, her mother and sister, Dbro, Dsis, their partners and children and of course dad.

Everything is going well, everybody is enjoying themselves when Stepmum asks Dh and I if we would do a supermarket run. I was nervous about leaving DS2 as he has recently been diagnosed with selective mutism and will not speak to almost anybody outside our immediate family, but knowing that he does speak a tiny amount to DF and DS1 is more than happy to speak in his place to other people we leave him with my family.

Worst idea ever.

Dsis is one of those people who can't keep their mouths shut on any subject they have an opinion on and must shout it to the world. Despite having SM explained to her multiple times, maintains her belief that DS1 is rude and manipulative and in need of a good smack.

From what I've pieced together from Dbro and DTS, DS2 was thirsty so DS1 asked DSis, being her house, if they could have something to drink. DSIS tells DS1 that he can have a drink but that if DS2 wanted one he would need to stop being rude and ask her himself. DS1 tells DSis that he can't ask her and asks again if they can both have something to drink. DSis marches into the kitchen gives DS1 a drink and tells her to go play with her DS as DS2 was in time out for being rude and would have to sit next to her into he apologised.

DH and I get back about ten minutes after this, to find Dsis and Step aunt( who is a exact copy of Dsis and they feed off one another) in the kitchen with DS2, who is completely hysterical. I went and picked up DS and asked sis what happened and she said that DS was misbehaving, being a stuck up brat, refusing to speak to her or her DC, hurting their feelings as they heard him talk to my DC but not them ect.
I, as patiently as I could given the situation, once again explained to them what selective mutism is and how DS physically cannot speak to her DC.
By this stage step aunt had knelt down to DS level, put a hand on his shoulder and said 'You're just a selective asshole" right to him angry
I was so mad I could of punched her, and would of if the entire family, including both our DC, wasn't listening by now.

Instead I just wished my DF a happy birthday and Dh and I started to pack the kids into the car. This is when Step mum and her mother come out and start going on about how it isn't fair to make the other DC leave because DS1 was misbehaving, ignoring how by now they are ALL upset and crying, and how we needed to teach him manners as it was rude to have DS1 ask for things for him and not to thank his host.Blah. Than they said something about my parenting skills, and in a not so proud and graceful moment I told them to fuck off and look at their own parenting skills before judging mine as it was their grown daughters picking on young children constantly ( They have form for picking on my nephew for stupid, petty and sometimes mean reasons. God knows why as he is as kind,humble and polite as a 4 year old can get)

And then to top off the afternoon, while driving home DF calls me up to scold me for speaking to my stepmother like that when all she was trying to do was help. Yeah, strange way of helping.

All my children are still upset about the situation, DTS are still sobbing (DS1 is a sympathy crier) and I still just want to punch my sister and aunt in the face.

So given the situation, WIBU to never ever speak to my family again? What should I do from here.

CajaDeLaMemoria Sun 05-May-13 15:40:31

I wouldn't. What utterly horrible, poisonous people.

Your poor DS. I hope he isn't too damaged by this, it can't have helped.

Mintyy Sun 05-May-13 15:41:52

You need to let your father know what this step aunt did and this is why you left the party, because it sounds like he didn't hear it directly himself.

BruthasTortoise Sun 05-May-13 15:43:34

They sound like complete knobs. YANBU but if they apologise you should consider accepting it if only for the fact that you only get one family.

LimitedEditionLady Sun 05-May-13 15:44:20

Id expect an apology to your child and perhaps they should read what selective mutism is as they clearly think that they know everything.they just dont understand but its not a justification for what they did.i know youre mad and i wouldnt forgive my family for that tbh but i also wouldnt want to see a family not together x

TheseFoolishThings Sun 05-May-13 15:44:39

I expect by now she/they have concocted their own version of events. IMO you can't win this one and this kind of thing will happen over and over if you allow it. Withdraw from them - they sound utterly toxic

YANBU. I am angry for you.

What horrible people.

HotCrossPun Sun 05-May-13 15:46:25

That's terrible.

They sound like bullies.

Good on you for sticking up for your son and removing him from the situation. I wouldn't be speaking to them again until they had done some research on your sons condition and made an effort to understand what he goes through.

EasilyBored Sun 05-May-13 15:50:40

She called a small child an asshole?! What vile, horrible people. YANBU!

AgentZigzag Sun 05-May-13 15:52:27

shock at 'By this stage step aunt had knelt down to DS level, put a hand on his shoulder and said 'You're just a selective asshole" right to him' I really am gobsmacked by that!

I would be beyond furious too, YANBU to keep well away from people who treat you and your DC like that.

Don't do anything. Don't answer the phone to them, don't open any emails or texts, refuse to engage. If they can't get hold of you themselves they might try and involve other people, but don't play the game.

And then distance yourself from them in your head, this will take time because you're angry and hurt, but you need to see that just because they're relations doesn't give them license to treat you like shit.

MoominmammasHandbag Sun 05-May-13 15:52:29

Ignorant and nasty people. You are better off without them. My nephew was a selective mute for a long time, it just seems to bring out he bully in a lot of people who should know better. You children will have appreciated that you took them out of the situation and did your best to protect them. Hope they all cheer up soon, poor things.

ovenchips Sun 05-May-13 15:56:10

Yes, I would be beyond upset and angry.

But before you judge them all the same I would be very sure to explain to those not directly witnessing it exactly what happened and the exact wording used. Then decide from there who you don't want to see/ need to deal with.

Hope those not directly involved will support you.

AgentZigzag Sun 05-May-13 15:56:19

'I wouldn't be speaking to them again until they had done some research on your sons condition and made an effort to understand what he goes through.'

That would be irrelevant to me, the fact that they think this is a discipline problem and they had the right to take it into their own hands while the OPs back was turned, is enough.

Plus talking to a five year old like that is shameful.

HanShotFirst Sun 05-May-13 16:00:51

Well, I understand you are very very angry - I would be too. I think that you leave it a couple of days, then as calmly as possible (maybe put it in writing) tell your dad what happened. Tell him you all expect a complete, unreserved apology from your sister and step-aunt. Then leave the ball in their court and you can base how you react from their reaction.

Whatever happened, I probably wouldn't be spending much time with them in the future, and I definitely wouldn't be leaving any children on heir own with them as they obviously are not suitable people to have around children in general.

Vatta Sun 05-May-13 16:02:17

I can't imagine you'd want to put your children through something like that again, so yanbu to cut off or severely limit contact.

It sounds like this is a recurrent problem, they've bullied and emotionally abused your nephew and now your son is vulnerable so they're starting on him.

These are not people you need in your life. If you want to preserve a family relationship with them, then make clear they don't get to see your DCs until you trust them to behave better.

You are currently doing your job, protecting your DC. I don't agree with some PP that an apology will fix anything. Anyone who called DD an asshole to her face in that nasty way would never see her again.

ENormaSnob Sun 05-May-13 16:05:56

You would be unreasonable to continue contact imo.

I wouldn't let the vile cunts anywhere near my dc.

ExcuseTypos Sun 05-May-13 16:07:09

They sound as thick as pig shit.angry

My DNeice has selective mutism. I was just happy that she would stay in my company without her mum. I thought it was an honour that she trusted me. I never ever expected her to speak.

I think your poor son has had an awful experience. He will probably be very relieved if you told him, today that you will never leave him with those relatives again.

OpheliasWeepingWillow Sun 05-May-13 16:09:04

Cut. Them. Out.

That's all.

Poor boy.

MrsDeVere Sun 05-May-13 16:09:18

Poor you.
Well done for keeping it together.
They sound horrible.

AgentZigzag Sun 05-May-13 16:09:55

'You would be unreasonable to continue contact imo.'

That's a good way of seeing it, it makes it more about them than centering on you taking the decision not to have contact, which I'm sure as another poster said they'll spin it all to make out it's you being unreasonable.

milkymocha Sun 05-May-13 16:16:47

Vile behaviour.

minxthemanx Sun 05-May-13 16:17:42

I would have been livid. Take the higher moral ground - write them a letter or email, apologising for swearing at whoever it was, but explaining how desperately hurt and upset you are at the way your child was treated, while you were out doing something to HELP someone. Make it clear in words of one syllable that if they can't be bothered to make allowances for a child with a special need, they won't be seeing much of you. You would prefer to spend your time with people who cherish you and your children.

Assholes. I'm really angry for you.

Shellywelly1973 Sun 05-May-13 16:22:24


I actually gasped reading your post.
Their behaviour is disgraceful.

SofaKing Sun 05-May-13 16:24:22

Never contact them again.

If they can't see what they have done wrong, no amount of explaining is going to make them.

I take my hat off to you, because I would have punched her at the 'asshole' comment without a doubt.

Neither you or your DC will get anything from further contact, so let it go. You have your own happy, supportive family, and don't need these people in your life.

What a disgusting, unforgivable way to treat a very anxious little boy. YANBU.

kotinka Sun 05-May-13 16:31:30

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pickledginger Sun 05-May-13 16:32:03

Horrible people. I would definitely write off your Dsis and step aunt. That behaviour was just vile. As for the rest of them, when you're calm in a few days, speak to your father and step mother and tell them exactly what happened and what was said. I doubt that they volunteered what they called your DS or why they were angry with your DS2. I wouldn't let your DC out of your sight at that house again. Although not involved, your father and step mother didn't step in, even though they know your sister has an ongoing problem with your DS1.

microserf Sun 05-May-13 16:35:41

I certainly wouldn't bother attending any family events with step aunt and dsis. They sound vile, absolutely vile.

Harder for your df, especially as he is one of the people your son can speak to? Maybe leave it for some time and then have an adults only meeting to discuss future family events?

I think I would have told them to fuck off too for what it's worth. They behaved abominably, but you will never convince people like that they are in the wrong.

"I told them to fuck off and look at their own parenting skills before judging mine as it was their grown daughters picking on young children constantly"
Sounds absolutely called for to me.

"By this stage step aunt had knelt down to DS level, put a hand on his shoulder and said 'You're just a selective asshole" right to him"
To a five year old? shock

No, I don't think I'd want to ever speak to them again. They sound beyond the pale, and since they're likely to just reinforce each other, there's no chance they'll change. sad

JeanPaget Sun 05-May-13 16:36:27

She spoke to a five year old like that?! Your step aunt sounds like an absolutely foul woman angry

FrickingFedUp Sun 05-May-13 16:36:54

Horrible people. Send them this quote from Wikipedia, any idiot could google it and find it instantly:

"The former name elective mutism indicates a widespread misconception among psychologists that selective mute people choose to be silent in certain situations, while the truth is that they often wish to speak but cannot. To reflect the involuntary nature of this disorder, the name was changed to selective mutism in 1994."

Though actually I agree with previous posters that they are pig ignorant and any attempt to educate them or get them to acknowledge or apologise for their disgusting behaviour would probably be futile. sad

pickledginger Sun 05-May-13 16:37:05

In the short term, link them to this if they try and contact you before you're calm enough to deal with them. I'm sure you've explained it before 100 times, but it's better than saying something in anger that you might regret later. They deserve to be torn to shreds over this verbally, but if you get (justifiably) angry and tell them to go fuck themselves the points you need to make will get lost in the drama.

ChasedByBees Sun 05-May-13 16:38:21

That makes me feel angry for you just reading that. I would write to your father explaining why you won't be speaking to them any time soon - I'd be mad at him for just automatically taking their side without knowing what happened (I'm assuming anyway - if he knew then that's obviously a lot worse).

ruledbyheart Sun 05-May-13 16:39:22

Yanbu how vile of them, very angry on your behalf!!

perplexedpirate Sun 05-May-13 16:39:28

angry What utter shits!
YANBU and I think you did very well not to smack the poisonous bitch right in the chops.
flowers for you and hugs for your DC.

CelticPixie Sun 05-May-13 16:39:31


They should be apologising to you. What kind of horrible old bitch calls a young child an arsehole?


I'd never ever have them anywhere near me or my family again. Your poor wee boy - what sort of evil fucker does that to a child? In fact that abuse.

ChasedByBees Sun 05-May-13 16:40:49

I've just read the link from pickled ginger and feel even worse - it's a phobia of speaking and they think punishing him, shouting at him and swearing at him will help?!

ShipwreckedAndComatose Sun 05-May-13 16:41:28

Wow! Have they always been this vile?

MrsFrederickWentworth Sun 05-May-13 16:49:56

I would be furious.

But, also, I would want to take the moral high ground.

So I would print off a short piece from the internet about selective mutism and would write to your father, saying you were sorry that the day didn't go well at that point but you hope the rest of the day was pleasant for him. and that you are sorry that you swore while protecting your child having walked into this having done a favour. And that while you are sorry to have sworn, in your view to call a small child a selective asshole is far far worse, as it is not only bullying but bullying about disability. Which in the work place would be illegal, if you want to add that. And to a small child.

But that you think that this must be down to some parts of the family not understanding what the issue is. So here are a few copies of one of the many works on it, with more references available.

And you remain his loving dd but he will understand why you choose to remain away whilst happy to see him ( if you are) to protect your son.

And I would take the whole lot of your family out for a lovely day tomorrow to put this beyond you.

pickledginger Sun 05-May-13 16:50:12

It is vile. I'm sure, unfortunately, that there are plenty of posters on here who will have experience of dealing with family who 'don't believe in' autism, serious allergies etc. They might be able to give advice on dealing with your father and step mother.

ChasedByBees Sun 05-May-13 16:50:34

So none of the other adults intervened and in fact defended their behaviour as you were leaving? I think your parting shot was well deserved and I'd never speak to them again.

Yanbu in the least!

We thought dd2 had selective mutism as she displayed all the signs of it but now aged almost 5 she appears to be improving.

Lots of people - including my mum- thought she was just being rude & my mum in particular found the whole thing very frustrating.

Those who dealt with it better were those who left her to it & didn't pressure her.

I would have been furious if she was treated like your ds and in the 'selective asshole' comment situation I would almost certainly not have been able to resist punching that person. (Not that that would've been the right thing to do!)

EduCated Sun 05-May-13 16:52:09

What utterly vile shits angry

Awitchwithoutchips Sun 05-May-13 17:03:46

You have shown remarkable restraint! Don't think I would have been able to keep my hands off anyone who had called my 5 yr old an asshole. Has there been history of this type of behaviour from them before? You all sound better off without them.

Hissy Sun 05-May-13 17:10:11

I am horrified.

Fuck me, your DS may have the right idea about not wanting to talk to them... I would bloody well struggle to talk to them now.

Flippant, I know, and I apologise if it is in anyway offensive, but my god, who on earth does that to a 5yo?

YANBU. Cut ALL of them out of your life.

MadamFolly Sun 05-May-13 17:15:29




IndigoCat Sun 05-May-13 17:18:58

You are not being unreasonable at all, I was shocked to read how she spoke to your son...

flippinada Sun 05-May-13 17:24:47

YANBU, what vile, vile people. I could actually feel myself getting angry reading that post so being there so can only imagine what it must have been like for you. Your poor DS.

tethersend Sun 05-May-13 17:25:01

OP, I really, really feel for you.

DD1 (4) also has selective mutism, and has only spoken to my DF once in her life. The last time we visited, she stopped speaking to my step mother too.

They have told us that our parenting has caused it, that we are too protective, that she is being rude and manipulative, and that we have failed as parents. There is absolutely no possibility that the situation could be exacerbated by their behaviour (getting angry etc.), it's all our fault and she's just a spoilt brat hmm

I know how it feels to see genuine terror in your child's eyes as she looks at you for help whilst being berated by her grandparents. It's shit.

Despite me suggesting ways which will help her feel comfortable enough to speak, DF has now decided that he's 'too hurt' by the whole situation (ie DD1 rejecting him) and has taken to ignoring her. He acts as if she isn't there sad

I am now at the point where just one more comment will result in me ending all contact. It's fucking horrible; I am so disappointed that they don't get it. We used to be very close.

So, I'm no bloody help, but just wanted you to know that you're not alone.

Sorry for the rant, that's the first time I've mentioned any of that.

Blimey, I also want to punch your aunt after hearing that! What a vile, vile woman! Of course YANBU. Not at all surprised that you want nothing more to do with them after that. Who in their right mind verbally abuses a 5yo child!?! And the rest of your family taking her side and scolding you is disgusting, cowardly behaviour.

Also just wanted to add, well done you for handling it so well. Telling them to fuck off is the least you could have done, I doubt I could have stopped from ripping them all a new one.

quoteunquote Sun 05-May-13 17:34:11

Send your dad a email with the links, and an unemotional account of what happened,

tell him he is welcome to visit your home on his own,

and don't have anything to do with those vile bullies who pick on small children who can't talk back,

They choose to be ignorant, it's easy to get the relevant information(I bet they have) if they want to, they don't want to, because they want to be abusive,

being a stuck up brat,

They resent you, your son is easy to have a go at, by pretending they have no concept of selective mutism, they will have looked it up, they are pretending, which makes them very vile.

I would never let these people anywhere near my child again, it's not fair on the child, it's totally terrifying when adults bully you when you are a child.

I would tell him he never has to see them again, so he can stop worrying about them.

I wonder what else has been said to your children when your back was turned,

if you can have a gentle chat with them when it all calm, go for a nice walk, and ask if anything else has been said, ask if there has been any other mean things.

I suspect you have had blinkers on as to how they regard you, at least you now know, very sad to lose your family like this, but they clearly are a danger to your children, so I would cut them, and just let your dad know you are happy to see him solo, but I wouldn't let them near your children ever again.

I admire your ability not to kill step aunt, very impressive.

Families should be protecting the children and nurturing them so they can feel completely at ease and safe. Not attacking them.

I'm still utterly gobsmacked at what they did shock

mumandboys123 Sun 05-May-13 17:36:59

let's turn it around a bit...supposing your son had been deliberately rude, refused to speak to them, refused to say please and thank you in your absence...would that behaviour have justified an adult calling a 5 year old to his face an arsehole?

Your relationship with this woman and family is well and truly over in my opinion. I don't see how you can go back - your son will struggle to be in her company even if you are there holding his hand. You may be able to salvage something with your dad - but much will depend on whether he feels compelled to 'take sides' or whether he reads up a bit on selective mutism and begins to understand that the adult behaviour in this situation was not acceptable. He will also need to challenge this wife - not something everyone is prepared to do.

Personally, I would withdraw and wait for them to make the first move. Whatever that first move might be, I would sit on it for a couple of days before re-acting.

Hugs to you and your family. You must feel dreadful.



pointythings Sun 05-May-13 17:40:20

tethers why wait - I'd cut contact now.

And OP - YASNBU. You and your family deserve better than this toxic lot of arseholes. Cut contact and be the warm, safe family unit you all deserve.

amothersplaceisinthewrong Sun 05-May-13 17:44:20

I am utterly gobsmaced that your step aunt called a five year old an ass hole!!!!!

I would not blame you for never speaking to them again.

Spikeytree Sun 05-May-13 17:45:04

YANBU, cut them off. My DNiece is still selectively mute but at the age of 17 is improving all the time. She only speaks when she feels secure so she will speak around close family on our side, but not her Dad's side as she doesn't see them often and tbh they aren't that nice.

Speaking to your DS like that is going to make it less likely that he will speak in front of them. Unfortunately they won't be the last people you will encounter who believe that shouting at a child with SM will solve the problem. Your DS can't speak up for himself right now, so you did the right thing and should take comfort from the fact that you did what you needed to do to protect your son. Please don't expose him to them unless you can guarantee that it won't happen again. I would also expect them to apologise to your DS.

TigerSwallowTail Sun 05-May-13 17:45:15

thanks these are for you for somehow finding the willpower to have not hit anyone. I can't believe these were adults speaking this way, yanbu to never speak to them again, not unreasonable in the slightest!

Vatta Sun 05-May-13 17:45:17

Quoteunquote makes a good point about reassuring your DCs - I think it would totally be worth reassuring your DCs and DN that they dont have to see these people again.

MakingAnotherList Sun 05-May-13 17:45:46

My DD has selective mutism. Fortunately my parents have been incredibly understanding. She talks to my family now. My husband's family weren't interested in trying to understand so she's never spoken to them. We don't see them now for other reasons, but if they had ever been the slightest bit cruel I would have stopped inflicting their behaviour on my daughter.
If it was me in your position I would allow my daughter to decide whether she wanted to see any of them again.
I would promise her that I would never leave her alone with them again. I would also apologise for putting her in that position.
I am not blaming you at all, I'm really not, but I think that your son needs to know that he can trust you.
My actions now would be much more about making my daughter feel secure. The family would have to apologise and show that they had tried to educate themselves before I even considered having contact again. As I said though, even if I forgave my family I would let my DD decide on further contact.

Good luck in the future. SM is a difficult thing to treat. 3 years after diagnosis my DD is talking to friends at school but no teachers. A couple of TAs have managed to get her talking which is encouraging.

foslady Sun 05-May-13 17:46:29

Sat here stunned.

YANBU. At all.

Could join the children crying.

Will join the queue to punch the Step Aunt and 'd'Sis

cocolepew Sun 05-May-13 17:52:19

Vile, vile people.
Tethers I wouldn't bother waiting.

Moominsarehippos Sun 05-May-13 17:56:25

I'll hold your coat, the rest will pin her down and can I suggest farting in her face?

Cut them out and let them know exactly why. They are heartless and ignorant. Anyone swearing at my child (who is loud enough to defend himself) would have my foot jammed so far up their jacksy, they would taste leather.

toffeelolly Sun 05-May-13 18:05:37

YANBU. What horrible people, your poor child. I would not ever want anything to do with them again.

MyShoofly Sun 05-May-13 18:06:29

abusive'd not be unreasonable to cut most of them off altogether. you need to protect your children from such behaviour.

How sad for you poor nephew - nobody to stand up for him...he's stuck sad

SuffolkNWhat Sun 05-May-13 18:10:40

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Dawndonna Sun 05-May-13 18:14:07

I think you are a better person than I. I honestly don't know if 'selective asshole' would have resulted in physical violence, had it been me. I suspect it would. Walk away, for the sake of your children as well as your own sanity.

BegoniaBampot Sun 05-May-13 18:23:41

I wouldn't be apologising and I think you let them off lightly. I wonder if they concocted the trip to the supermarket so they could tackle your child without you there. Might seem farfetched but they do sound manipulative and vile. Also wonder if they were drinking.

TigerSwallowTail Sun 05-May-13 18:24:38

myshoo he has the OP and her dh to stick up for him smile.

MissLurkalot Sun 05-May-13 18:30:05

I have no experience I'm afraid, but I just wanted to say how upset I feel on your behalf after reading your post

I'm utterly horrified at how these adults treated your little boy. I can't believe they would gang up and speak to him like that.

Cut contact completely.

Concentrate on your loving children, and do not let those individuals near your children again.

I honestly would not contact anyone. You have explained yourself a million times about your son's condition, you do not have to do it again.
All of the family are guilty I feel, as no one stepped in to protect your boy.

Your father has proved already, by his text, that he is not going to listen to sense.

Do not waste your breath on them anymore.

Protect your children. Like someone said earlier, re assure your babies that they do not have to see those people again.

AitchTwoOhOneTwo Sun 05-May-13 18:32:22

i'm generally quite a conciliatory type but they would get no apology from me.

redexpat Sun 05-May-13 18:42:53

Well done you for speaking up. I wouldn't see them again, unless they apologised which I don't think is going to happen.

You showed remarkable restraint. I'd have let that vile woman know exactly what I though of her right then and there, and at considerable volume.

I would also cut them all out of my children's lives pending a very enthusiastic and heart-felt apology.

Who the Actual Fuck calls a 5yo an arsehole just for not talking?!?!

cornypringle Sun 05-May-13 19:04:19

that's awful sad you must be so angry with them OP. Well done for being so restrained.
They are utter cunts and not worthy of a relationship with your family.

bigkidsdidit Sun 05-May-13 19:06:19

I would send an unemotional email to your dad, inviting him over if he wants but saying you will not see the others again, and explaining why. They sound so cruel sad

Khaleese Sun 05-May-13 19:12:25

A mothers primary job is to protect her children.
I loath name calling my dh's family do it. ( mild compared to yours) I force them to apologies and make a big deal out of how name calling is abusive.

Cut them out. Explain why to your children. They should understand you all stand together, your a family.

I also wonder whether sending you out to the supermarket was a ploy as well. They probably figured they could get the little boy talking and triumphantly announce that this selective mutism business is a load of nonsense and you're all making a fuss over nothing.

Scruffey Sun 05-May-13 19:38:38

I nearly dropped my iPad at the selective asshole comment.

Personally I would spend all time available today making sure your kids are ok. You can decide what to do about the loony family another day.

EduCated Sun 05-May-13 19:39:48

Yes, was there any particular reason why it had to be you and your DH who did the supermarket run?

AdmiralData Sun 05-May-13 19:43:32

Wtaf?? YANBU. A thousand times over YANBU. I am in a situation myself where an adult is not treating a kid properly, that is disgraceful! I am so sorry that your DF hasn't had the sense to tell his missus 'Hang on a minute'.

Well done for not smacking the bitch.

Toxic people that you don't need in your life.
Please do not apologise to them!

sparklekitty Sun 05-May-13 19:45:16

Appalling behaviour from your sis etc.

My best friend as a kid was a selective mute, I didn't really understand it at the time but she had a way of communicating to yes/no questions by putting up her hand. She'd often be over at ours and chose quite a lengthy process of do you want...? her dinner, drinks etc.

She could never ask for anything, like a drink etc as for the first 2 years of our friendship she wouldnt talk to me really then after that she'd only speak to me if no one else was around, my mum used to just make sure she asked regularly if she wanted a drink, something to eat etc. The less of a big deal was made of it the happier she felt. After a few years she'd sit at the dinner table with our family and happily chat away.

Could you print out info about selective mutism and post it to them? Could you DS have some sort of signal that he could use? I guess having a sibling to ask is just as good really.

For what it's worth, I probably wouldn't see them again until they agreed to be respectful to DS. Poor little guy.

kungfupannda Sun 05-May-13 19:46:20

I would send them a brief message congratulating them on their efforts to get your DS2 talking to them, and pointing out that it's worked so well that the entire family is now choosing not to talk to any of them.

essexmumma Sun 05-May-13 19:52:51

YANBU at all! Family really can be some of the most poisonous people.

I like kungfu's above suggestion too!

EduCated Sun 05-May-13 19:53:54

This is making me angrier the more I think about it. What utter cunts.

As someone said upthread, even if it was rudeness/general shyness as opposed to a fully recognised condition, calling a 5 year old child an asshole is beyond vile.

OrangeFootedScrubfowl Sun 05-May-13 19:54:03

As I read the first post my chest was getting tight with fury, I can't imagine how you felt going through it. I would only contact them again if I got an apology. How awful for you all.

Tethers, I really feel for you too. sad

CatelynStark Sun 05-May-13 19:57:17

My youngest child has always has great difficulty in talking to people outside our immediate family, to the extent that she couldn't speak to teachers from Nursery to about year 4. She still can't speak to her father on the phone (who she barely knows as he's been out of our lives for 10 years).

She's now 11 and is gaining in confidence and actually managed to tell the waitress her order in a restaurant today smile

I never really thought of it as a big deal tbh so wasn't worried, just accepted it as part of her character. She's loud as anything at home!

However, if anyone had merely made her feel uncomfortable about her 'shyness', I would have done exactly the same as you, OP!!

What a shower of terrible cunts!! angry

They'd never see us again!

I hope you can resolve things with your dad, if he's not aware of the full facts.

WinkyWinkola Sun 05-May-13 19:58:26

I just wouldn't bother at all ever again.

You don't have to explain your DS and his SM to anyone. You've told them what he has, you've explained it already and that's all you need to do.

Selective arsehole? I'm afraid I would have put my hands on her shoulders and told her that she is a TOTAL arsehole and if she ever touched or bullies my children again she will have me to answer to.

Awful and wilfully ignorant people. Sack them all.

DontmindifIdo Sun 05-May-13 20:07:36

She called a 5 year old an asshole to his face? Remind your dad of this, say he and he alone is welcome in your home, the rest are not, and you will only visit if you are certain step Aunt and others will not be there. That no matter what the child had or had not done, you know that StepAunt said that to your DS's face, and if your father can think in anyway that behaviour is acceptable, you'll consider cutting him out too.

Your DS doesn't need these people in his life, they'll just make his problems worse, not better. You might miss some of them, I am certain your DCs won't.

What kungfupannda said.

And then refuse to engage. Don't discuss it, get caller id, block their emails. (I have an email filter set up so any emails from my family that don't contain the word "sorry" get deleted).

You don't need to explain what you want from them - if they have a change of heart and realise why their behaviour was so bad, they'll be in touch with apologies. If not, you don't want to see them.

And I think your stepmom and DF are just as bad. They watched what happened, thought it was ok, and blamed you for protecting your child.

hackmum Sun 05-May-13 20:13:44

I remember a couple of times in my childhood being so upset or frightened that I literally couldn't speak even though I wanted to (a particular occasion was a teacher shouting at me for some completely trivial reason). I imagine that is what selective mutism is like. Maya Angelou in I know why the caged bird sing has an account of stopping speaking after she's been raped, so that must be the same kind of thing.

You are right to be upset, OP, and right not to see these people again. Why would you want to mix with people who are so horrible? Why would you want your children having anything to do with them?

Inertia Sun 05-May-13 20:21:26

It sounds suspiciously like they engineered this situation on purpose so that they could 'prove ' that DS was badly behaved - who asks both parental visitors to do a supermarket run, leaving the children, at a party ?

Of course YANBU. What a horrible thing to say to a child.

It's very touching that DS1 is happy to help his sibling - that's something to treasure, even if his adult relatives have not managed the same level of compassion and maturity.

tasmaniandevilchaser Sun 05-May-13 20:21:54

angry I feel SO angry on your behalf, your poor DS. You cannot expose him to those foul, vicious, ignorant people again. I wouldn't think twice about cutting them out of your life, your DS needs to know he is safe from that kind of abuse.

Tethers, like others have said, why wait?! Ignoring your DD?!?! Wtaf?

maddening Sun 05-May-13 20:31:58

send your df a link to this thread! He might get a better picture of what happened - or write a letter - it is important he doesn't only get one side of the story and you won't get the whole thing out in person or on the phone.

I would not blame you for not contacting them again - it would take a very good and extremely sincere apology to start to turn things around.

if you do contact and explain the situation to your father ensure that you also point out that what these women have done may have worsened this issue and they are responsible for that.

sallysparrow157 Sun 05-May-13 20:54:31

When I was 11 I was a lunch monitor and one of the little 4 yr olds was selectively mute. Obviously I didn't know what it was at that age but even then, as a primary school kid, never pushed her to talk and deliberately asked yes or no questions as she was able to nod and shake her head. Se said one word to me that whole year and it meant so much to me that she trusted me that I still remember that word over 20 years later. If I as a primary school child was able to grasp that it wasn't bad behaviour or stubbornness, what the hell is wrong with these adults?

By the way, when that little girl was 11 or 12 she was the narrator for the school play, standing on the stage speaking beautifully in front of an assembly hall full of parents

Fucking bullying cunts angry

The selective arsehole comment had me wanting to punch that bitch so I think you showed considerable restraint. I'm with those who have suggesting writing an account of what happened to your Dad to explain why you are having nothing to do with any of them ever again. Hopefully your relationship with him can be saved but honestly if he supports what they did I'd have no qualms about cutting him out too.

LiveItUp Sun 05-May-13 21:33:00

Asking that both you and your DH go out for a supermarket run sound like they engineered the whole thing too. If you're having a get together, who asks a couple to go out like that, leaving all their young DC's?

Definitely cut them out. angry

greenformica Sun 05-May-13 21:39:59

text your DAD and Sis. Say that calling your son a selective arse-hole is unacceptable and that SIL showed no understanding of your sons condition by dealing so heavy handed with it. Also MIL was not supporting you, only attacking you - after which you FIL then had a go at me.

cumfy Mon 06-May-13 01:14:44

Do they want DF's money ?

Morloth Mon 06-May-13 01:44:53

I would be done with them.

You did astonishingly well to nit get physical.

They all get one text/email saying you do not wish to speak with/contact them again and then remove them from your lives.

No one speaks to my kids like that. Ever.

DizzyZebra Mon 06-May-13 02:02:25

Well I think you were restrained, I'd have punched the poisonous bitch twins in the mouth.

KeatsiePie Mon 06-May-13 03:29:13

Good grief! That is such a horrible, horrible way to treat a little boy. Your DSis and StepAunt sound like really nasty people. I'm so sorry, what an awful experience for him, and for you too.

I think I'd write an email, as everyone has said, to your DF and SM saying simply that you are not sure whether they know what happened, but this is what happened [insert brief unemotional explanation that 1, Dsis used DS1's disability to frighten and punish him in your absence and 2, when you returned and intervened DSis and StepAunt verbally abused abused him and then you]. Then just say that you have no interest in exposing any of your children to that kind of behavior and therefore you won't be able to see DSis or StepAunt in the foreseeable future. If you like, you can add that you would hope to see DF and SM again if they are able to respect DS1's disability. Either way I would close by saying you wrote to ensure that DF and SM are aware of what happened, but you have no interest in discussing the matter further.

Good for you for getting the hell out of there before anyone had the chance to escalate to behavior that would have upset the children even more. Not that I can imagine this getting much worse, but, again, glad you left!

MidniteScribbler Mon 06-May-13 04:05:03

Good god, I'm surprised you restrained yourself. Who calls a five year old an arsehole, for any reason??? I'm fuming on your behalf. I taught a little boy with SM a couple of years ago and considered myself privileged that he would speak with me by the end of the year, albeit only when we were working alone. He used to do his reading to my dog (who thought it was wonderful that she got to come to class everyday!).

I really think that anyone that could treat a child like that, and say things like that is not someone you want around your child, ever. And your DS needs to know that it's ok not to speak. Terrifying him will only make things harder, and he'll certainly never be able to relax enough to interact when he's around them. For the good of your son, cut all contact.

Minifingers Mon 06-May-13 08:02:55

In your shoes I would find a clear, well written and not too complicated piece of info on selective mutism from an NHS website and print it out. I'd send a copy to each of your relatives saying that they need to understand your child's condition before you are happy to expose him to their company again, as their behaviour towards him at your dads party was traumatising for him. I'd be polite. I'd also add that you're available to talk if they have any questions about selective mutism or if they'd just like to apologise..... grin

Minifingers Mon 06-May-13 08:06:40

Should add, it's terrible how dense people can be about sn in children. My own mum still tries to force my autistic son to make eye contact when he's talking to her, despite me explaining that is is uncomfortable for him and hinders (because he can't read facial expressions easily) rather than helps him to understand what she means. :-(

diddl Mon 06-May-13 08:27:53

So where was your father whilst his GC were being bullied??

And sending you to the shop-wtaf was that about?

So that they could "cure" your son whilst you weren't there??!!

Arrogant twats, all of them.

I wouldn't bother with any of them any more, father included.

weisswusrt Mon 06-May-13 09:16:44

I dont even know how you can type such a calm op, i'd be quivering with unbridled rage! Delete these people from your lives and minds. Dont validate their behaviour with apologies or contact.

Mia4 Mon 06-May-13 09:54:28

YASNBU, cut them off OP. They sound like a stress and heartache for all of your family. I'd second sending your dad a letter, as long as you know he'll get to read it and the manipulative gits won't intercept.

If you do end up going to any family events, make it clear those two are abusive and you will not be allowing any of your children near them.

stopmovingthefurniture Mon 06-May-13 11:48:42

You can't have contact with anyone who abuses your children. You have tried explaining and they have rejected the explanation. Nor can they respect your wishes. And it's very nasty to grab the chance to inflict their 'discipline' the moment your back is turned. Perhaps when the children are older things will be different. But no, I think you would be letting your kids down to have contact with things as they are.

lisianthus Mon 06-May-13 11:58:00

YANBU. I was enraged just reading what happened. I would have been incandescent had this happened to my child. I'm on the "you would be unreasonable to continue contact" bench.

May I say though, you did your son a HUGE favour in showing him absolutely clearly that you are there for him and will fight his corner, rather than teying to be "polite" and "tactful". The high moral ground can be a bit overrated sometimes. I suspect that in years to come, this part of it will be a warm memory of his mother's love for him. Well done you.

Tabliope Mon 06-May-13 12:02:54

I actually gasped when I read the bit about your DS being called an asshole. I don't understand the condition and have only come across it once. I would never have made that little boy feel uncomfortable. It's no one's place to question how parents handle that situation. To be honest if I'd heard that I would have got DH to get the kids to the car then I would have gone for that bitch. Punches would have been thrown. Sod the moral high ground after some bitch saying that about my kid and torturing him like that. Like the poster before said it's over rated at times. I'm really angry for you. Unless you dad acknowledges that they could all fuck off as far as I'm concerned.

Jesus.H. Christ.

OP you did remarkably well to not punch her square in the jaw for saying that to your poor DS.

Anything short of a full apology and a promise to never push that situation again, would be no good to me.

inneedofrain Mon 06-May-13 12:20:12

Sorry not read the whole thread yet!

Just wanted to say two things

One is you sound like a great Mum as a random person on the internet I know it doesn´t mean anything but you should be proud as punch about your kids. well done to DS1 for trying to explain to hostile adults about his brothers condition.

Two is by all means cut them out (I would never speak to them again) if they spoke to my perfectly normally chatty kids that way. Let alone them punishing a child for something that is beyond their controll which vile, and abusive, as for calling them an arsehole, I think that the only people deserving of that title are your Sis and SM!

But where was your dad when this was going on? Why did he not define your children? yes your sis and sm where 1000% out of line but I would not be impressed with any adult that didn´t interven under those circumstances!

cumfy Mon 06-May-13 12:31:20

I'm very much in agreement that their behaviour is horrible.

But I'm rather wondering whether they have an ulterior financial motive by deliberately angering you ?

Oh yes please squeegee do cut us right out, your choice, not ours. Bye Bye.

It just all seems a bit too blatant; doesn't taste right.

inneedofrain Mon 06-May-13 12:40:33

Ok have now read the whole thread

Just one point I miss read your op which is perfectly clear but I was fuming at those nasty people so please insert step aunt where I have put sm

Secondly please accept my appologise if anyone thought I ment sm as secretive mutism I meant it as step mum only and would not want my post to be miss interpreted

Tanith Mon 06-May-13 12:56:35

I am partially deaf. It never ceases to amaze me how personally some people take this, as though my inability to hear them clearly is somehow entirely my own choice and an insult to them.

I agree that you were got out of the way while they tried to "cure" your DS and, when he wouldn't play ball (being unable to do a thing about his disability), they became angrier and angrier with him.

Many years ago, I read a book by Torey Hayden in which she describes a 7 year old child brain-damaged by abuse and, as a result, unable to read because she couldn't recognise symbols or letters. Her teacher had decided she was just being stubborn and bullied her into a nervous breakdown trying to force her to read when she couldn't do it.

Hidden disabilities seem to bring out the worst in some people.
You don't want to expose your child to them for his own safety and well-being.

DeafLeopard Mon 06-May-13 13:01:44

I am so angry for you.

What horrible mean bullies, your poor DS.

pigletmania Mon 06-May-13 13:11:09

I am shock with my mouth on the floor.what nasty txc people, no wonder you ds won't speak to such nasty scary people. I would not not have anything to do with any of them, your little family comes first

KansasCityOctopus Mon 06-May-13 13:44:48

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CheerfulYank Mon 06-May-13 14:08:02

Tanith I remember trembling with actual rage when I read that Hayden book. Poor little girl.

Squitten Mon 06-May-13 14:20:48

Absolutely vicious women, the pair or them.

I think it would be actiely irresponsible to allow your poor son to be exposed to that kind of bullying and abuse by his own family.

I hope they're all ok soon

Tanith Mon 06-May-13 14:31:02

There's an update from the little girl and her twin sister on Torey Hayden's website. Thankfully, she recovered from the breakdown, but I'm not sure she ever did learn to read.
The only positive I could see at the time was that the evil hag who bullied her was about to retire and couldn't damage any other child with her spite. They had brain scans that showed the poor child was brain-damaged but no, she knew best angry

You're unlikely to change your family's attitude, Op sad

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now