Did I ruin Sunday?

(45 Posts)
Dorange Sun 05-May-13 14:36:37

Cutting a long story short, basically I spend the whole day out with DD yesterday so dh could relax and enjoy himself as he has been working hard. Left at 12 (he was still asleep) and came back at 9pm still managed to praise him for the jobs he did around the flat (cleaned the algae in one fish tank but didn't change the water nor fed the fish/hung up some clothes to dry but there were socks in the duvet cover and cooked a 5 minutes meal leaving all the mess behind. Fine. That is what usually happens and I was not bothered.
The plan for Sunday was for us to go out as a family, (since I have plans for me and DD for Monday and he can stay and relax), so I woke up early and cleaned the flat which was extremely dirty and messy as week as dealt with DD (6) the whole morning. Dh than wakes up at 12 and decide to go out to the corner shop (probably to get smoke and few bits and pieces). After much faff around while I am cleaning high and low, he leaves the ironing table on my way which I put away whit out problem. He than starts huffing and puffing because he 'can't ' find his bag (he never can't find any fucking thing) and I say his bag is 'overthere' (right under his nose) and carry on cleaning. He than complains in a annoying manner that I moved his belongings...I point out that I moved the bag because it was on my way and it would be back to where it was when as soon as I finish...
Instead of leaving (or even better apologising) he carries on still complaining about me moving his bad and at this point I declare that I am not going out anymore, that he didn't complain about me moving the ironing table since it was convenient for him and that I have been cleaning up the whole morning and the fact I moved his bag from A to B (only because I am tiding up) is the only thing that springs to his mind.
After a brief argument when we bring up each others 'mistakes' from the past he decides to go out to the shops but I make it clear I am still not going anywhere.
He than comes back, and to his defence do a job in the bedroom that took like 45 minutes (but ha has been postponing for 4 weeks) and goes out with DD.
I am still not going.

AmberSocks Sun 05-May-13 14:39:11

he sounds a bit of a dick.why doesnt he get up til 12?is he on nights?

SoleSource Sun 05-May-13 14:40:18

Lol!

Stay home then. X

StrangeGlue Sun 05-May-13 14:42:17

Hmmmm I think you only ruined it if you're going to be sulky and off with th when they get back. Was your dd upset you didn't go? It's not her fault he's being annoying.

I can see why you're upset as he's been a pain but I think you've only ruined Sunday for yourself as you're in huffing on here and they're out.

Why are you having two days when you're all free but not spending them together btw?

YummyCalpol Sun 05-May-13 14:44:08

Why does he need all that time to 'relax'?

ImTooHecsyForYourParty Sun 05-May-13 14:44:35

managed to praise him?

You talk like he's your 5 year old child!

He doesn't need praising for doing simple tasks. And doing them badly by the sounds of things!

It sounds more like the interaction of a stroppy kid and his mum than two adults in a relationship!

Is it normally like this?

Mintyy Sun 05-May-13 14:44:48

Do you seriously think anyone on Mumsnet is the least bit interested in any of this?

ImTooHecsyForYourParty Sun 05-May-13 14:45:59

wow, mintyy, that was really mean. That's not like you. Most of the things on here are, if we're being honest, not that interesting to each other. But we still give one another the time and the listening ear.

StrangeGlue Sun 05-May-13 14:47:30

Mintyy you can say that for almost everything on here. If you're not interested then don't read the thread and comment you're under no obligation.

The fact other people have commented in a none arsey ways suggests they are interested.

It sounds like both of you are being really passive-aggressive.

What's really going on here? Is it always like this, are you having a rough patch?

MissSG Sun 05-May-13 14:50:14

It depends on your DD, was she upset you didn't go with them?

Why couldn't your DH take her out on monday so you can have time to relax as he got to on Saturday?

If your DD was upset, YABU because the disagreement between you and your DH could have been resolved easily for the sake of a family day out.

Bit harsh mintyy.

So basically you are living with a man child OP? I wouldnt have went out either. But then my DP wouldnt have let it get that far.

Not sure what to advise though. He needs to pull his weight more.

maddening Sun 05-May-13 14:53:50

Sounds like he wanted an argument and caused one himself or was in a bad mood.

fedupofnamechanging Sun 05-May-13 14:54:10

I think he is getting away with behaving like a lazy teen, rather than a partner. Why are you doing all the work and he US getting all the lie ins and not pull his weight with housework?

Agree that you don't praise a man for doing something in the house - he's not doing you a favour, you know. It's his mess too!

Stop indulging him and start demanding he grows the fuck up

Dorange Sun 05-May-13 14:56:39

My OP is a mess, sorry.
My Sunday is not ruined at all, I am actually happy I will get few hours to myself since I was very busy yesterday and will be tomorrow too and the whole week ahead. i forgot to mention that I too work full time albeit Dh works more hours in a more demanding job for sure.
He wanted to come on monday but I am going with friends and their kids, and we 'girls' like to do our own thing on our own whit no husbands tagging along. It will be only until 3pm anyway so we still will have half a day together at home.
Dd is not bothered, she almost never spend time with him only and she loves it and she will have fun where they are going regardless
He is a nocturnal person and usually work night shifts and still do morning shifts following day, it is hard, so I like to give him space to sleep in, I don't mind waking up early, and when I need to sleep in we agree beforehand he will wake up with dd.
Probably sunday now has beeb ruined for Dh as he planned this outing on Wed and has been looking forward to it, told people I am coming, but I will not tolerate this kind of attitude...I can see how FIL is with MIL and she accepts because he is a man, fuck it, I may be radical, but I am running to the other direction and Dh better learn fast.
We were on good ish terms when he left, and I hope everything will be ok when they are back.
I will miss the Sunday roast though, will probably order a chinese grin

Dorange Sun 05-May-13 15:00:04

Yep, I managed to praise him to avoid confrotantion, not to criticise and point out his man childish attitude...

Dorange Sun 05-May-13 15:02:19

sorry for all the spellings/grammar mistakes, I can do better, I promise...

ImTooHecsyForYourParty Sun 05-May-13 15:02:30

You need to praise him in order to avoid confrontation?

What happens if you don't praise him?

Dorange Sun 05-May-13 15:07:13

Nothing happens if I don't praise him, but the jobs he did, he did whit out me asking first which is a big step forward (yep I wasn't wise enough when I got pregnant from a man child), so I thought I would put a positive input on what he did rather than criticise he didn't do perfectly...
A part from cooking I usually have to ask him for other household jobs...he does takes the lid on polishing and mopping once in while (when the moon is in Virgo or something)...

LadyMaryQuiteContrary Sun 05-May-13 15:07:24

He sounds like an arsehole high maintenance person who doesn't show any gratitude for the things that you do. It's not really a partnership, is it? sad Does he have any redeeming qualities?

Dorange Sun 05-May-13 15:09:11

yep LadyMary so I am happy I am not BU.
he has redeeming qualities so that is why I am patiently still in and wisely closing my ears to MIL's advices...

ImTooHecsyForYourParty Sun 05-May-13 15:10:49

what is your mother in law advising?

LadyMaryQuiteContrary Sun 05-May-13 15:10:49

So his own mother doesn't have a good word to say about him? Ouch! sad

puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE Sun 05-May-13 15:16:29

I can't believe you 'praise him' for doing chores. I praise the rabbit for shitting in his toilet.

I get the impression his mother is advising the OP that women do the housework to let the man have a rest...

Dorange Sun 05-May-13 15:17:59

No, I didn't explain very well...MIL says that he is exactly like FIL and
it is like ALL man IS and the few out there who weren't are the odd minority. That they should be forgiven because they have a penis are MEN and I should read 'Men is from Mars and Women are from Venus'

Well, I told her many times that I read that book twice in two different languages and also I had many MEN in my life (she had only FIL since very young) and I don't agree with the crap she is saying...

"Probably sunday now has been ruined for Dh as he planned this outing on Wed and has been looking forward to it, told people I am coming,"
Then he shouldn't have been such a whiney arse this morning then!

LadyMaryQuiteContrary Sun 05-May-13 15:21:01

Um... not all men are like this. I blame the parents; if they raise a man to think that he shouldn't do housework then he'll forever expect others to clean up after him. I wouldn't try to train a man though, sounds like a lost cause to me. He shouldn't need praise, he's not a child (or a dog).

Maggie111 Sun 05-May-13 15:22:05

There's no need to go dragging up the past over a silly argument about moving a bag - you both need to work on your issues and not let small problems become a part of big problems.

I see both of you being as bad as each other really, but if you find yourself having regular arguments over the same thing over and over you could probably do with some relationship counselling.

ImTooHecsyForYourParty Sun 05-May-13 15:22:50

ah. good for you!

But seriously - there's a difference between the courtesy of a thank you and praise.

I say thanks when my husband loads the dishwasher. He says thanks when I do the ironing. Not that the dishwasher is my job or the ironing is his and we're thanking the other for doing our job grin iyswim, but it's a little appreciation that we should all show even for those household things that we just need to get on with. I say thanks love when he brings me a coffee, he says thanks when I bring him one. It is important.

I have never and would not open the dishwasher and go oh, husband, that's fantastic! You loaded that dishwasher really really well! You may have a jelly bean from the sweetie jar

grin

Praising an adult for doing simple tasks is just patronising, for a start.

Dorange Sun 05-May-13 15:23:02

I don't know if 'praise' is what i do...

eg fish tank: Oh nice, you managed to clean all the algae, the tank is looking so much better now! Did you change some of the water? Did you feed the fish at all? / Nope, I will feed right now and change water tomorrow.../ Ok than.

eg hanging up clothes to dry: Oh good you realised there were wet clothes in the washing machine, I forgot to remind you to hung them up.

eg dinner: Great you planned to cook something tonight, I was gonna do beans on toast or something (as I came back home 9pm)

ImTooHecsyForYourParty Sun 05-May-13 15:26:09

grin holy crap! I can feel the pat on the head in there! grin

LadyMaryQuiteContrary Sun 05-May-13 15:26:37

Yup, that's praise. That's what you do to a 2 year old when they've eaten all of their peas; "Oh, well done Bobby! It's lovely to see that you've eaten all of your peas! Your plate is lovely and empty now."

If Bobby was 35 and had just cleaned out the fish tank then a simple 'thank you, you've saved me a job' will do.

Dorange Sun 05-May-13 15:27:43

You can think I am as bad as him, but I won't put up with this even if it causes an argument and I also won't let my 6 year old daughter think that is how her husband should be...I agree with LadyMaryQuiteContrary, it is MIL and FIL's fault he is the way he is (well at least part of it) and the example in the home needs to change, so DD won't grow up thinking all MEN are like this.

Dorange Sun 05-May-13 15:28:21

Sorry if my posts don't make much sense, I am not native speaker. Going for a shower now and than order my chinese!

ImTooHecsyForYourParty Sun 05-May-13 15:29:09

oooh, what are you having? I love chinese food but I can't eat it because I am allergic. sad

LadyMaryQuiteContrary Sun 05-May-13 15:29:55

You need ground rules, Dorange and a clear distribution of household tasks! Any relationship is a partnership.

Dorange Sun 05-May-13 15:32:38

So what should I do to move the things forward without praising/training/criticizing....
I just thought I was being nice and pleasant, I never had this issue with my other partners.
Should I just LTB?

ImTooHecsyForYourParty Sun 05-May-13 15:36:38

grin do you want to 'ltb'?

It's up to you. It's your life.

I'd just treat him like an adult. An equal. That means "thanks" as a courtesy, not patronising and not so subtle criticising! Unless he is very very stupid indeed, he knows that the questions are actually criticisms.

Just say thanks. Not because he's done 'your job' but because it's nice to be considerate of each other.

And expect the same from him!

And talk honestly and openly if there are things that you are not happy with.

LadyMaryQuiteContrary Sun 05-May-13 15:39:23

You shouldn't stay with anyone who makes you constantly miserable but no one's telling you to LTB. You need to sit down and talk. Tell him what you expect him to do around the house, you're not his mother and this is supposed to be an equal partnership. You don't need to praise him; he's not a child. A simple 'thank you' should be enough. Does he praise you? I expect not. Does he thank you? You're not being nice and pleasant, you're defining your relationship with him and you need to turn this around.

Good luck.

CrowsLanding Sun 05-May-13 15:41:19

You sound hard work op.
why do you feel the need to patronise your Dh, praising him like a 5 year old? Or have I missed something?

LadyMacbethWasMisunderstood Sun 05-May-13 15:42:08

OP, although there was a hint that English is not your first language you expressly yourself perfectly clearly.

YANBU. But it doesn't sound that he is so very terrible. And actually a bit of praise can sometimes have a positive effect.

It is a pity though that DD won't have a day with you all together. Could you change plans tomorrow? Or make up for it next weekend. I'm guessing she must have heard/seen what was going on between you and whilst it wasn't aggressive it might have made her sad that you were not getting on. Children are apt to blame themselves even when it's nothing to do with them.

Hope tomorrow is better.

Dorange Sun 05-May-13 16:07:12

Thank you ladies. I feel a bit guilty as he was really looking forward for this Sunday out, but I just couldn't go, really, maybe I am hard work like someone said above, but after waking up early to clean the house (it was a proper bomb site), so we could go out and not have any jobs to do on the way back or even tomorrow, so could enjoy ourselves even more and than being criticised because I moved a fucking bag whilst tiding up while all the hard work not being even acknowledged...well it drove me mad.

DD heard the argument, and whilst I know this isn't great, I just hope she understood my point, or at least that I stood up for myself.

Also the questions about the tank was real questions, not veiled criticism, I needed to know if the water had been changed and fish fed...

Anyway, he used to be worse (even asking me, as he couldn't understand, WHY he should put the toilet sit down and aim properly or why he had to make sure he left no skid marks)

I already stopped sorting his clothes and putting it away, I just wash it and put it in a pile when dry...it led to a 4 week of clothes piling on the bedroom and taking over the whole space including a open unpacked suit case from Easter holiday.

Never mind the can of beers, empty crisps/cig packets and plates everywhere including under the bed.

Yep, a man child, a teenager who is over 30s

Never had to deal with it before so went to from highly criticising and complaining to praising.

Will keep training talking.

fedupofnamechanging Sun 05-May-13 16:36:05

I don't think you are at ltb stage, just yet. But you definitely have to put a stop to praising him every time he does anything and there needs to be a more fair division of labour. I'd be pretty pissed off if I was cleaning the entire house and my dh was watching me do it and complaining - I would not feel like spending time with him either.

Would a rota work in your house, with clearly defined responsibilities? Failing that, next time you are cleaning, hand him the vacuum cleaner and ask him to help.

You and he both need to change your perception that him doing anything in the house is noteworthy and deserving of praise and start demanding his help, as a basic entitlement.

Dorange Sun 05-May-13 21:01:32

It is true karma
I guess it is because I am more organised and was at home at the beginning, also I work less and have less stress and I am around the house more often I end up doing more. I don't usually begrudge this and he does help when I ask or even now a days without me asking, but there isn't like defined tasks for each.
What set me off today was that I acknowledge the little he did yesterday and didn't give him shit for nothing and gave him a lot of time and space to relax and today he didn't acknowledge the much I was doing and did give me shit for nothing...
Maybe is a communication issue going on too.

Anyway they went had fun. He called me and asked dd to ask me if I wanted them to bring any food so I didn't order my chinese. I took on his offer to bring food as he wanted to be helpful and make amends.
I get that. But it is his whole attitude that needs changing. `the problem is, he is too slow.

And he knows I am getting serious about this. I don't want him to change his personality but if the attitude doesn't change, than I am out.

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