To be irrationally annoyed with my PIL?

(50 Posts)

Obviously yes I am. I am concerned and worried too though before people tell me off.

Exactly a year ago PIL went abroad and FIL was very very unwell whilst on holiday. Rushed to intensive care and it was touch and go. Dh and his brother flew out and were out there with MIL for a couple of weeks. FIL was very unwell on the plane home and had to have medical assistance and be accompanied by a dr. He was told he wouldn't be able to go abroad again by plane because of his low oxygen levels.

Fast forward 12 months and they're talking about going abroad again, dr and cleared FIL to fly despite him being unwell twice more since getting home, low blood pressure, low oxygen levels and currently being on antibiotics for a chest infection. We all tell them not to go. They went anyway, last weekend for two weeks to a destination about five hours away. We suggested if they must go abroad that they went on a very short flight or by boat. They have plenty of money so cost is not a problem.

Last night FIL has collapsed again, stopped breathing and been rushed to hospital. Dh and bil are going out again first thing this morning (hence why I'm up because dh has just left to catch flight.) we are all worried and dh is obviously distraught. Why on earth did they go? I know it isn't their fault really but on some irrational level I am quite cross. This makes me sound awful but last year we had to cancel our holiday and this year we have a fertility appointment and then a short holiday both of which will now be cancelled. I am most upset about the fertility appointment of those. I know this makes me a terrible person. Not more upset than I am about FIL but still, yes, upset.

I feel terrible for mil, I know that someone needs to go out for her and that dh and bil need to go anyway to see their dad. I just keep thinking "why? Why did pil go?" I wouldn't have in their circumstances. I know FIL could have been ill in this country but for some reason the flying seems to make him worse and at least if he were here it wouldn't be so difficult for everyone and MIL would be at home with lots of support. Also although the hospital were very good last time (it's the same hospital this time) because their english wasnt 100% and everyone was panicking sometimes it was difficult to work out what was going on.

AIBU for thinking they shouldn't have gone? Particularly as FIL already had the end of a chest infection? I cannot understand why the dr said he was safe to go. We all thought for sure he'd say no.

Roshbegosh Sun 05-May-13 04:40:14

Well no YANBU but they want to enjoy life so neither are they really, you are naturally upset and it is awful to be ready mentally for the fertility appt and then have to delay it like this. Horrible, you poor thing.

Kafri Sun 05-May-13 04:43:07

while I can see your point of view about it all and can understand you being upset (especially about the fertility appointment as I have a 19w son from IVF -so know what that entails) but - I have just (4w ago) lost my mother very suddenly so I kind of think we're all going one day so might as well make the most of it before we do and if your PILs enjoy traveling/holidays then why not.
I know it makes things difficult re visiting/support etc.
honestly I dont think YABU but im not sure I think PILs are either.
good luck with your fertility appointment (when you get it). like I said, I certainly know how much time/emotion goes into those.xx

Thanks for not telling me I'm awful.

I'm annoyed at the dr. FIL had lung damage from last time. I still can't understand why they said he was ok to go. We suggested they go on a cruise instead, which they also enjoy, or a nearer destination.

FarBetterNow Sun 05-May-13 04:48:00

I think they are being selfish as well as stupid.
I'm surprised they got insurance.
The weather is getting better here, surely they could have gone on holiday in the UK.
How old are they?

They are in their 70s. I believe the insurance cost them a fortune. I must admit I did hope that no one would insure them because that would have drawn a line under it.

Kafri sorry to hear about you mum.

Cerisier Sun 05-May-13 04:59:12

YANBU. I also think they have been selfish.

I hope they are insisting on paying for their sons' flights and hotel rooms.

Kafri Sun 05-May-13 05:01:44

thanks idbe
was certainly a shock - had my ds christened on easter sunday. called her on the Monday and she had a massive stroke on the Tuesday.

completely out of the blue amd unexpected. she was perfectly well and independent - stilk worked etc.

she loved to travel and I know she woukd have hated to have had to stop going away cos of her health if it ever came to it...

I do know she died how she would have liked to... quickly and painlessly rather than being poorly for months/years amd having to be looked after. we just wish it didn't have to be so soon.

ENormaSnob Sun 05-May-13 05:33:40


BBQWidow Sun 05-May-13 05:35:52

I think that they have every right to take the risks involved with travelling if that is really what they want to be doing. They got medical clearance, they got travel insurance, and they followed their hearts on it.

I understand your concerns, but they have a right to live a life, even if they die while doing it.

maddening Sun 05-May-13 06:09:28

Yanbu based on the fact that they knew that they would be relying on dh and dbil in the very likely event of fil being ill - if they were totally self contained and were able to deal with the situation if he were ill then it would be a different matter.

YANBU they are.
I really hope you don't have to cancel the fertility appointment sad

I think that's exactly it maddening
If they didn't have dh and bil then I doubt they'd have risked going, they knew that dh and bil would go and help if needs be.
It just seems an unnecessary risk to take. They do enjoy going on holiday and have been abroad a lot previously. I just wish they'd not gone so far, even the south of France would have been better from a point of view of getting FIL home. A five hour flight is a long time when you need oxygen and medical assistance on the flight.

Dh is fretting because in between our appointment and break he had a very important work meeting worth a lot of money to the company. This may sound callous but his company is making redundancies and now he's worried that having to back out of the meeting will put him in the firing line. I've told him he had no choice and hopefully his boss will understand especially as dh never has any time off sick or anything but still, I know he's worried.

hollyisalovelyname Sun 05-May-13 06:42:46

PIL are.
They knew the risks and were prepared to take them, regardless of how they impacted on their sons' lives.
Also hope your dh doesn't have to pay for flights. Good luck with fertility treatment.

I'm trying not to say anything about the fertility app to dh as I know he's under enough pressure and stress.
However I'm willing him to be home by then, although I think it is unlikely.

Inertia Sun 05-May-13 07:06:08

Yanbu. It's up to your PIL whether they continue to risk FIL's life by flying, but it's really not fair that they keep doing so because they know that their sons will keep putting their own lives and jobs on hold to go out to them.

Roshbegosh Sun 05-May-13 07:12:03

Lets hope his boss is understanding. What a mess, hope they never do this to you again.

I think if they lose the contract it will put dh under a huge amount of pressure at work.
Dh is cross with his parents too, as well as worried obviously. He's more cross with his mum because she kept nagging FIL about going on holiday. I can't understand this because if dh had been unwell like FIL was and told that he had permanent lung damage I certainly wouldn't be encouraging him to do anything that might make him ill.

I am hoping that FIL will improve today. We've bad no news overnight, last heard from mil at midnight who said she hadn't been allowed in to see FIL but he was stable.

Passthesaltdear Sun 05-May-13 07:26:11

How annoyinghmm

PoppyFleur Sun 05-May-13 07:34:39

YANBU. They absolutely have every right to live their lives to the full if they are independent & can deal with the consequences. However, if they are reliant on others when things take a turn for the worse than it is unfair to expect people to put lives on hold.

TweedWasSoLastYear Sun 05-May-13 07:38:22

There was an article on the R4 news last week about business men who like to work on planes.
The reduced amount of oxygen is like being at between 7000 - 8000 feet above sea level.
For most of us all it does is make you tired , as the oxygen levels are much lower. It makes business men make silly mistakes as well, that was the point of the article.
I think your IL ABU by flying with a known medical condition that has most likely been brought on by the air travel , its almost stupid tbh.
Hope they all come home safely and this is the end of air travel for him ( and climbing mountians)

Jinty64 Sun 05-May-13 07:38:32

YANBU whilst I completely understand that they have to make the best of the time they have left there are many different ways of doing that. They have been very selfish and thought only of themselves and not the huge impact this could have and is having on their family.

MrsCampbellBlack Sun 05-May-13 07:40:35

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all.

Their holiday choices are impacting on their grown-up children. And as someone else said, I hope they're covering the financial cost of flights etc.

It must be very worrying for your DH and I hope his father recovers and that he gets home for all the important meetings.

Good luck with the IVF.

DesperatelySeekingSedatives Sun 05-May-13 07:41:50

YANBU I can't imagine how frustrating it must be for you. Yes ofcourse they want to travel, fair play to them, but I do think its pretty shitty that they knew if FIL did get poorly again on holiday your DH and his brother would have to drop everything in their own lives to go to their aid. Yes, it's what families do obviously but it sounds like they knew there was a very real risk this would happen again. And it has.

I hope FIL gets better soon. Fingers crossed you dont have to cancel your fertility appointment after all.

ISpyPlumPie Sun 05-May-13 07:51:54

YANBU. I really hope you are able to make the fertility appointment, and if not that there's not too much delay in it being rearranged. Good luck with the treatment. Also wishing your FIL a speedy recovery.

Kafri - so sorry for the loss of your mum sad.

AThingInYourLife Sun 05-May-13 07:53:26

YANBU at all.

I think your husband needs to make crystal fucking clear to them that he will not be dropping everything to fly out to deal with their shit the next time they do this.

AThingInYourLife Sun 05-May-13 07:57:48

And I think, given that it was utter selfishness and stupidity that put them there, that he shouldn't have risked his livelihood to go running after them.

They could have used their money to sort their problems out.


Finola1step Sun 05-May-13 08:02:01


As others have said, your PILs are entitled to make their own decisions and live their own lives. But, not in the knowledge that there is a significant risk to FIL which MIL can't cope with and will require significant support from their two sons.

But this has to come from your husband and his brother. I wish your FIL well and hope he has a speedy return to health. And future holidays... In the UK.

BoffinMum Sun 05-May-13 08:02:04

Typical baby boomers, behaving like ruddy teenagers. I would tell them off like teenagers as well. Harsh, but they are being incredibly selfish.

Sure they're being selfish.

But your DH and BIL should have made clear before they left that they had very important stuff on and they wouldn't be able to fly out if there was a problem.

Your dh's job stuff sounds really important, as is your appointment. And why should you both miss out on your holiday? I assume you're both working all the time while the in laws are retired and can do what they like.

GhoulWithADragonTattoo Sun 05-May-13 10:34:31

YANBU your PILs have behaved totally irresponsibly. The only perso who has behaved even worse than them is the doctor who said FIL was fit to fly. The mind boggles.

Iteotwawki Sun 05-May-13 10:35:25

"I know it isn't their fault really" .... Errrr. Yes it is.

They chose to fly for non essential reasons (a holiday is not essential!) knowing that FiL has a chronic lung condition. It's common knowledge (or it should be) that flying at altitude drops oxygen saturation levels so sense alone should tell you if your levels are low to start with, they haven't got far to drop before you're in trouble.

You didn't say whether they flew club or cattle class but a DVT / pulmonary embolus is a known complication of flying which will be far more serious in someone with pre existing lung disease.

Of course it's their fault.

You aren't a horrible person or irrational, I'd be bloody fuming.

Hissy Sun 05-May-13 10:44:58

when are these appointments, work things etc? Id say that Dh coukd leave db and come back for the appointments. Seeing as fil is stable.

His parents focus completely on their desires, not even needs, your h needs to keep his job, you need both to attend the fertility thing. The only thing you need to give up, again, is your holiday.

Your dh and his brother need to make sure their own essential needs are met tbh, and not cast aside for the sake of 2 stupid and selfish old people.

YANBU at all. I can't understand why people think a holiday is the most important thing in the world - and I love going on holiday. Your ILs are being ridiculously selfish.

I hope all goes well with DH's job and your fertility treatment.

Our appointment is Wednesday.
Dh's meeting is Friday.
Then we were going away on Saturday just for three nights to try and relax! Ha ha ha.

Think I'd have been less annoyed if pil had gone somewhere nearer or for not as long. It's the first time they've been away since last year when FIL was first ill so it would have made sense to go for a sort of trial to see how they got on. Apparently it was mil nagging to FIL that she needed a holiday. FIL isn't the sort to admit he feels unwell either until he's on death's door. He wouldn't want to back down and say he wasn't well enough to go.

Waiting to hear from dh, he should be there in an hour or so. Hasn't actually got anywhere to stop.

clam Sun 05-May-13 11:00:29

I don't think you're being unreasonable. We've had something a bit similar recently when my parents insisted on going on an arduous trip to India. DM in particular has on-going health issues, which she hadn't declared to her insurance company.
We were furious - dsis told them point blank they were irresponsible and it would have been extremely difficult for any of us to get visas to get out and help had anything gone wrong whilst there - which it did, actually, but they just about managed.

Was it essential for both your dh and dbil to go?

ffswhatnow Sun 05-May-13 11:20:43

I don't think YABU - their decisions have impacted on your plans and, no matter how close a family you are and how much you help each other out, effectively their "thoughtlessness" has had an impact on your priorities.

Is there any way that you can go to the fertility appt by yourself? (I've PM'd you)

Hissy Sun 05-May-13 11:47:25

I think that seeing as FIL is stable, that your DH and his brother ought to make the point of flying back.

If they keep shoving everything in their life to one side, everytime their parents do something that they were warned by DH/BIL NOT to do, then when are the ILs going to learn?

I agree that knowing the boys will help at the drop of just about everyfuckingthing, they decided to suit themselves and piss off to the same place he got sick the last time.

Of course you CAN technically go to the fertility meeting yourself. But why on earth SHOULD you?

The ILs knew there was a risk attached to flying, but went anyway.

I think your H has to state clearly that he needs to come home to you, and the business meeting otherwise his home/work life will be at risk, and that IF the situation deteriorates again, he will come over, if possible, but otherwise that they will have to arrange air ambulance to get him back home.

Hissy Sun 05-May-13 11:48:57

Of course, all of the above relies on the fact that your H has the strength to stand up for himself, his family and call his parents out on ridiculous behaviour. With parents like that? That kind of self confidence may be impossible.

cocolepew Sun 05-May-13 11:50:51

They are being incredibly selfish.

Nanny0gg Sun 05-May-13 12:33:02

What Hissy said.

LadyBeagleEyes Sun 05-May-13 12:41:29

YANBU at all.
They are grown adults, why is your DH going out there when you both have so many important things going on in your own lives?
He needs to put your own priorities first.

Wibblypiglikesbananas Sun 05-May-13 13:09:49

What a horrible situation for all concerned. I'm sorry you're in this position.

I have a question. Did the Dr really clear your FIL to fly? As in, did you hear these words or see a letter? As it seems that FIL has been very ill with a condition exacerbated by flying, and it seems surprising that a Dr would say flying was ok. Similarly, did he inform the airline he was flying with that he'd had previous problems? Having worked for a large airline, even those passengers who are cleared to fly with oxygen often have to have additional checks. I'd bet anything that he has pretended he's better than he is (seen it countless times, as well as the resulting medical emergency returns to stand with an ambulance on standby).

I hope your ILs have valid health insurance too - as his pre existing condition would have meant be was either uninsurable or had huge premiums to pay - though you said money wasn't an issue so maybe this is irrelevant.

Ultimately, I think your ILs have been extremely selfish and I feel sorry for your DH and his brother that they're in this position - and that you've been affectd by this as a knock on effect. It must be particularly galling that it's ruined not one, but two of your own holidays.

Wibblypiglikesbananas Sun 05-May-13 13:12:18

Sorry, and another question. What will they do if Drs now say FIL can't fly? Is it possible to drive back from their destination? Who's going to be doing that trip? It's going to be your DH and his brother again, isn't it?

Mutley77 Sun 05-May-13 13:55:51

YANBU - I think the situation sounds ridiculous.

Although I think your DH and BIL have a bit to answer for as why are they both rushing around after them - if MIL and FIL have made the decision to go, they need to cope with the consequences. I also don't see why it involves both DH and BIL going together - couldn't they go one at a time depending on how long they are needed for?

Also, I think your DH's work meeting is really the key issue here. Of course he needs to be at the meeting and tbh if I were his boss I would take a really dim view - there has not been a bereavement and therefore he does not "need" to be there - the MIL will have to cope with the FIL by herself - they are not dependents of your DH. I assume he is taking this as annual leave but he is lucky that his boss has signed it off.

I also think it is important that your DH is there for your appointment and weekend away but not as crucial as a work commitment if (as I am assuming) you are reliant on his job for your financial stability as a family. If I were you I would go to the fertility appointment by yourself - I know it is difficult emotionally but you are likely to get the same result by going on your own.

AllSWornOut Sun 05-May-13 16:23:42

I agree with what wibbly said, and I would be pushing to see exactly what the doctor said too. If he said go then I would suggest there would be grounds for complaint based on FIL's medical history, of which the doctor is presumably aware, and if he didn't actually give permission to fly then I would be using that as a basis on which to have discussion with PIL about what support they can reasonably expect from their sons next time (as it sounds like there probably will be...)

YANBU, if she was so desperate for a holiday then she could go an a bloody cruise or somewhere in the UK. My DGM is very ill and needs oxygen 24 hours per day. She loved travelling abroad and, before she was taken ill, had planned to go away this year. She's now going to Wales instead.

Sorry, but if I was your DH I would be checking they are OK, then flying back for the appointment and meeting. After all, will your PIL be paying the mortgage if he did end up being made redundant?

whatamardarse Sun 05-May-13 16:35:11

I'd be furious! YANBU they are and selfish too. They knew the risks and it was cushioned with the knowledge that help would rush out to MIL straight away.

IF they pull this again I would get DH to categorically state that he will not be rushing to rescue MIL again,she will be on her own.

I had to miss my first fertility appointment through DH being unwell and I was heart broken so I understand, I also hope for the grace if god DH work won't suffer. DH should tell Dm what what could be at loss through this trip.

fedupofnamechanging Sun 05-May-13 17:01:19

I'd be mad as hell too.

I don't think that people have a right to live life as they please, if it means relying on others to bail them out of the shit when it all goes wrong.

Agree that your dh needs to fly back for work and I would also be asking IL's to reimburse the money you have lost in dh travelling - if they can afford the holiday, they can afford to see that you don't lose out financially because they won't take advice.

I'd also be making it clear that next time they are on their own!

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