AIBU to feel like an absolute fool and slut???

(65 Posts)
Kirsten567 Sun 05-May-13 00:48:05

I can't believe I'm even posting this.

But here goes.

I met someone on a train back from Scotland. (had gone there for a couple of days) He seemed like a really nice guy and we got chatting on the train. He asked me if I wanted to go for a drink after and I said OK. However, I wanted to drop my luggage off at my place before we went out and I said that to him. He said no problem and volunteered to help me drop my luggage off. Here's where I acted like an absolute idiot. I said OK you can come up to my flat and help me with my stuff.

When we came up we got to talking. He spotted a bottle of wine in my kitchen and it was just rude not to offer him some and so I did. We had some wine, chatted a bit and before I knew it we were kissing. And then we were doing more. When he suggested we get under the covers, I snapped out of it. I was about to have sex with a guy I had just met on a fucking train. I said NO and fortunately he was sweet about it and soon after he left.

I am so mortified that this happened. I am NOT the sort of girl who almost shags a guy she just met on a train.

I feel so naive and silly. What was I thinking when I let him come up? What if he had been a violent rapist? What if he hadn't taken no for an answer?

It's just that my last relationship was 4 years ago and I've just been feeling very lonely lately. sad I don't know what I was thinking.

I feel cheap and disgusted with myself.

I suppose this is more a blog than a question. Anyway, my girlfriends are all out of town at the moment, so if you have any helpful advice please shake some sense into my thick head.

Darkesteyes Sun 05-May-13 00:50:24

You are NOT a fool or a slut. You have desires just like other women do.

jezebel.com/shockingly-trite-sexist-notions-about-female-desire-ar-484371788

confused

Erm ... I think you are being very hard on yourself.

You said no.

He was fine with it (like a normal, decent guy).

You have no reason to feel cheap or disgusted with yourself. What you did was nothing wrong.

If you're lonely, maybe that is a more important issue? If you are lonely, and you had had sex with this bloke - and you both wanted to - that would have been fine too. But you didn't, so given you're feeling lonely, maybe you need to think about what you want in life?

Would you like to meet someone, or are you shy about it?

Kirsten567 Sun 05-May-13 00:51:22

He gave me a hickey for fucks sakes and I have an interview in two days. I feel utterly pathetic.

RhondaJean Sun 05-May-13 00:51:35

You are not a slut.

A bit daft perhaps because as you say you knew nothing about him, but that's all.

There was a thread on chat this week about how long we knew our partners before we had sex -there's an awful lot of us counting in hours, not days or weeks.

So just be careful next time and take care of yourself, but stop beating yourself up!

RhondaJean Sun 05-May-13 00:52:05

Oh, and get some toothpaste on the hickey. Works wonders.

Scarf? Layers of makeup over it? It's only a hickey. Not wonderfully professional, I know, but I swear you are noticing it more than anyone else will.

Kirsten567 Sun 05-May-13 00:53:05

I would like to meet someone very much but I take ages to trust people. I want to be in a relationship but I don't want to take things so fast.

I'm not even sure if I ever want to be with this guy again...

AgentZigzag Sun 05-May-13 00:54:06

Don't be too hard on yourself smile

What happened to you does happen sometimes, I had a similar situation myself once, but it doesn't sound like you're going to make the same mistake again so just take it as lesson learned without any serious trauma.

It can turn nasty, but equally it can be exhilarating and adds spice to life for some people, for me the risk wouldn't be worth any payoff from having a one night stand with a stranger, but I can imagine how it might.

Feeling lonely is horrible and you just mistook lust for love/affection, it's an easy mistake to make.

No reason you should be with this guy again.

If you're not feeling certain about it, then likely he isn't quite your type.

Go for someone else. You will find someone. Plenty of blokes will be happy to take the time. It's normal.

Elderflowergranita Sun 05-May-13 00:55:10

Cut yourself some slack <and you can always wear a pretty scarf at the interview>.

Yes, it could have had a nasty outcome, BUT IT DIDN'T. Just be very careful in the future to mind yourself.

Softlysoftly Sun 05-May-13 00:55:18

Erm other than the safety angle I see no issue here.

Perhaps I am an aforementioned slut but pre dh (16yrs ago) I would have sex with who I wanted when I wanted where I wanted. I'd do it new If I didn't believe in fidelity!

You seriously need to investigate why you feel "cheap and dirty" for following through natural desires.

Kirsten567 Sun 05-May-13 00:55:59

Toothpaste? Ok I can do that. I really don't want to show up at the interview with a hickey. This interview is crucial.

Jinsei Sun 05-May-13 00:57:06

FWIW, I met my husband on a train 18 years ago. grin

All's well that ends well, so don't beat yourself up about what might have happened.

Did you get his number? wink

AgentZigzag Sun 05-May-13 00:57:14

'I'm not even sure if I ever want to be with this guy again...'

He sounded really nice, but then it wouldn't be a fair measure of how someone was to go on that they didn't sexually assault/rape you.

Kirsten567 Sun 05-May-13 00:58:00

I don't know why I feel cheap and dirty. Maybe because of my cultural background? I'm half Indian.

In any case, I am the sort of person who takes her career very seriously and I am looking for a long term relationship, not a one night stand.

I honestly don't know what came over me and I'm quite surprised.

Btw, you know ... if this had turned nasty, as you're obviously scared it might have - it would not be you to blame.

If someone doesn't listen when you say no, they are to blame. Of course it is natural you want never to be in that situation, I understand that. But you've got to remember that if you had been in that situation - it would be the rapist at fault. Not you. No-one is going to tell you that you are at fault.

I'm just saying this because you seem to be so worried about what people might have thought, using terms like 'slut', and really, this is not something you should worry about. You are not a slut, at all.

Kirsten567 Sun 05-May-13 00:59:39

Yes I got his number. Before we almost shagged actually. The xchange f numbers happened first.

Speaking of which, any idea what I should say if he calls again??

Kirsten567 Sun 05-May-13 01:00:40

Thank you LRD smile I feel a tiny bit better now.

Jinsei Sun 05-May-13 01:01:47

Depends whether or not you want to see him again. What do you feel?

yaimee Sun 05-May-13 01:02:53

Oh please don't feel like that.
It's so easy to get caught up in the moment.
You are not a fool and certainly not a slut.
Give yourself a break.
As soon as you felt uncomfortable you said no and the man was respectful of that.
You should be proud that you were strong enough to do that.
Sleeping with him wouldn't have made you a slut either.
You've done something that you regret. We all do.
You know where your boundaries are and what you are comfortable with and although you could have made a better decision with regards to your personal safety, it doesn't sound like you'll be making the same mistake again.
Just learn from it and move on.
I hope you feel better about the situation soon. flowers

Kirsten567 Sun 05-May-13 01:03:10

No I don't think I want to see him again. Although that may have something to do with how fast things went on tonight....

Kleptronic Sun 05-May-13 01:04:28

Yep, I'm with everyone else on this one. You're fine, you've done nothing wrong. You've surprised yourself, but honestly, you can do or not do anything you want. No more nasty names please!

Machli Sun 05-May-13 01:04:31

I can't see anything wrong here. Except yes, silly to invite him to yours.

I'd have a right spring in my step if this happened to me grin.

AitchTwoOhOneTwo Sun 05-May-13 01:05:09

if you liked him, you shoudl check the cinema listings...

i don't understand what you think you did that was wrong, bit unwise to let strange people into your flat right enough but he left and was fine so your instinct that he was nice seems to ahve been correct.

Jinsei Sun 05-May-13 01:08:50

If he calls, I think just be honest with him - tell him that it all moved a bit too fast for you and that it made you feel uncomfortable. There is absolutely no need for you to see him again if you'd prefer not to.

Kirsten567 Sun 05-May-13 01:10:39

Security is pretty good in my building. Plus, my neighbours all know me and the walls are pretty thin. I think that's probably why I wasn't that concerned when I let him come up. Besides he told me he wanted to piss blush

In retrospect I sound like a gullible fool.

YY, just tell him honestly that it was a nice evening but, you're sorry to say, it's not your usual style and you felt a bit uncomfortable.

Kirsten567 Sun 05-May-13 01:11:35

OK. He knows where I live and work... I hope he isn't a creeper.

You don't sound remotely gullible.

If anything, you are being retrospectively overly harsh towards this perfectly nice, normal bloke.

You said no. He accepted that.

Yes, all sorts of things could have happened and your neighbours could have been scandalized.

But nothing happened and, poor lad, perhaps he did want to piss!

AgentZigzag Sun 05-May-13 01:12:48

'if you liked him, you shoudl check the cinema listings... '

I was thinking more along the lines of 'if you like him you should google him'

Too stalkerish, or good plain common sense? grin

Kirsten567 Sun 05-May-13 01:16:15

OK now I am laughing. Thanks LDR. grin He did actually piss so perhaps he wasn't lying after all.

Like I said this may well be cultural. Also my mates aren't around at the moment and so I don't have anyone to even talk to about this sad

LastMangoInParis Sun 05-May-13 01:17:49

A recent thread in Relationships had some similar aspects to this one.
We posted asking the OP is maybe she was lonely, etc. etc.
Then a wise poster pointed out that loneliness didn't really seem to be the main issue. The main issue, said this poster, seemed to be shock sexual frustration.
Yes, it's true!
An MNer pointed out that women can become sexually frustrated (loneliness, boredom, self esteem, etc notwithstanding) and that can be really a problem. And is nothing to feel 'guilty' or 'ashamed' about.

Kirsten, the only thing you've done wrong is to beat yourself up about being human.

Kirsten567 Sun 05-May-13 01:20:04

What if he steals something from my house? He's seen where everything is....

There we go! smile

Don't you worry. Your mates will be back before long, but meantime, you've done nothing wrong, and it's all fine.

mango is very wise. No one is saying you need to rush out and have sex (!), but you certainly don't need to feel bad that you found this bloke attractive enough to think about it. grin

Oh, come on.

Every time I cross post with you, you're worrying about something else.

Look ... yes, there is a vanishing possibility this perfectly nice-seeming bloke is a secret rapist, a secret thief, or was using the excuse to come and use your loo as a cover for unnamed dark motives.

But he probably isn't.

Honestly.

You've got a lock on the door, right? So lock the door. Put the chain across. And stop worrying.

Kirsten567 Sun 05-May-13 01:23:41

I was so amazed at what I had done that I actually called my mum and told her. She wasn't very helpful- she thinks I am insane. wine

MyHeadWasInTheSandNowNot Sun 05-May-13 01:25:15

Oh FGS - in the nicest possible way, Get A Grip. You nearly had sex with a seemingly nice bloke... it's not the end of the world and he's not likely to have been 'casing the joint' grin

Go to bed, go to sleep - decide tomorrow if you want to see him again or not, but FGS don't base that decision on the fact that you nearly had sex with him. You are a single adult, you are allowed to have sex with other consenting adults.

MyHeadWasInTheSandNowNot Sun 05-May-13 01:26:49

You called your mother to tell her you nearly had sex with a man??

Really?

That is madder than having sex with a bloke you met on a train grin

I think I am with myhead. Especially the second comment.

bellabelly Sun 05-May-13 01:32:25

Ignoring all the other stuff, this clinique stuff covers everything, am sure your hickey will be invisible - get yourself to a dept store tomorrow!

SavoyCabbage Sun 05-May-13 01:42:00

Chances are he's just an ordinary man. Not a nutter or a coffee table stealer.

You certainly didn't do anything 'wrong'.

Kirsten567 Sun 05-May-13 01:44:57

Yes I called my mother. Now do you believe me when I said I am in shock with my own behaviour?

internalship Sun 05-May-13 01:47:23

Lots of great relationships start with a shag you know... You sound a bit mad and highly strung so maybe he had a lucky escape! wink

iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii Sun 05-May-13 01:50:52

A HICKEY shock was he 16!!!!

Sorry, not helpful.

I would worry too much, you did something abit silly and came to your senses. No harm was done and you will be more careful next time. I really would not fret over it. I would be mighty pee'd off about the hickey though confused

badinage Sun 05-May-13 01:53:27

Ha ha! LastMango that was me on that Relationships thread grin

This is no biggie. You were just horny that's all.

Do you think this bloke's sitting there worrying about whether he was 'sluttish' or had put himself in danger by going to a stranger's flat?

Is he fuck.....

It's bloody depressing that women feel grateful that a bloke's taken no for an answer but that's not to say I don't understand why it's good advice to be cautious about letting strangers into your home.

Apart from that (and it sounds like you could have raised the alarm if necessary so if the worst had happened, help could have come quickly) this is nothing to worry about at all. Neither would it have been anything to worry about if you'd shagged him.

Don't judge yourself negatively for having a bloody libido and don't judge him for having one either. If you'd like to see him again and you're sure he's single, go right ahead. Maybe do a bit of googling beforehand to make sure what he's told you stacks up (mainly about his single status, really) but if you want to have sex with him or anyone else for that matter, just do it!

And yeah, sure you might be lonely after 4 years but I'd have thought you were also incredibly sexually frustrated which would be the normal state of affairs for a woman who's been sexually active in the past. So don't confuse loneliness with that and go right ahead and embrace your libido!

Darkesteyes Sun 05-May-13 01:59:25

<claps badinage>

LittleMissLucy Sun 05-May-13 02:18:12

I think you might also be freaking out a bit because the wine is wearing off and that increases anxiety. Not to belittle the situation or your reaction to it.

I wouldn't worry. If he calls, be straight - lovely time was had, etc but you're not up for anything else and thanks for getting in touch....

WhiteBirdBlueSky Sun 05-May-13 02:18:25

I don't think you did anything that bad. I'm not a slut and it wouldn't be impossible for me to do this.

Kirsten567 Sun 05-May-13 03:00:15

He was 23. It's insane that he gave me a hickey angry

expatinscotland Sun 05-May-13 03:33:00

Gees, reading this, I was a slut/ho/whatever when I was single, which was long enough, in between marriages and single. But thankfully I don't believe in all this 'sluts' and bad girl/boy nonsense when you are single, no kids.

Gah, what's sex between consenting adults? I shagged a guy I met waiting for the no. 25 bus in Prince's Street, and he was the third in . . . I hadn't even been in the bloody country for a fortnight! Gah, let's not even go there, much less what I left at home! I was single with no kids and having some fun!

You don't feel comfortable with it, then don't do it. But for pete's sake don't beat yourself up over it or carry on about sluts! I'd have shagged him rotten and not felt an ounce of mortification.

There's no such thing as a slut. You're single, no kids. Whatever.

expatinscotland Sun 05-May-13 03:34:59

And yy about calling your mother. WTF? I think my mum still likes to believe I'm a virgin after 3 marriages and 3 kids. For real?

Helpful advice: get some new girlfriends.

Kirsten567 Sun 05-May-13 03:49:04

A horrible thought has struck me. What STDs can you get from french kissing and the bloody hickey???

LittleMissLucy Sun 05-May-13 03:54:24

Hep B

Kirsten567 Sun 05-May-13 03:56:52

I'm vaccinated against that.

Kirsten567 Sun 05-May-13 03:57:09

thank fuck.

SodaStreamy Sun 05-May-13 03:57:21

no it;s not insane however if someone starts sucking your neck and you have interview or just dont want a mark on your neck say something to them

SodaStreamy Sun 05-May-13 04:00:04

what stds can you get from kissing.........really? how old are you?

Kirsten567 Sun 05-May-13 04:06:51

I'm 25 blush

Honestly, I haven't been around much. Just once or twice with guys `i've trusted. I have actually no clue if you can get like loads of shit from kissing. blush

Kirsten567 Sun 05-May-13 04:08:49

Another problem with me is that despite being quite outspoken and blunt in my daily life, when it comes to sexual scenarios I sometimes find it hard to say 'no'. It's fucked up...

LittleMissLucy Sun 05-May-13 04:20:06

You're ok and you're going to be fine. And you're probably going to be more cautious. You don't need to worry now.

You need to step down to the coop and get a grip. You're flying off the rails here about a situation that would have left the rest of us either giggling, preening or making coffee with bed-hair.

Ok, yes, inviting less known people (not men, people. In general.) isn't the most bright thing to do. But he stopped and was nice about it when you said to, he did actually need to pee, and the chances if him being anything other than a nice bloke you thought you were really quite dishy are really quite minute.

Ad STD's from kissing? I dunno, cold sores?
Have some Nutella from the jar, and breathe.

SodaStreamy Sun 05-May-13 04:22:48

ok then first and foremost it might be helpful for you to research sex, stds, contraception etc

it's your body you owe it to yourself to understand it and take ownership of it

*into your house isn't the most bright thing to do.

Proofread, Fanj, proofread [headesk]

Kirsten567 Sun 05-May-13 04:44:22

I know I probably sound absolutely bonkers, but I'm just being honest. This isn't my style and I think slut was the wrong word to use. I feel so easy. Like anyone can chat me up on a bloody train and get into my pants.

Like I said this upcoming interview is crucial and I feel stupid for doing anything careless that might jepordize it.

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