to be slightly shocked when my MIL advised adding juice to my 3mo's water so he'll drink it?

(127 Posts)
poppyandthelion Fri 03-May-13 23:27:58

Hi, this is my first post!

I see my MIL every 3-4 weeks for an hour or 2 with my DS. This week at the visit I mentioned I have been trying to give him water but he's not really been interested. Her advice was to add juice to it..! He's 3 months old!

Also on a visit about a month ago she said that it wouldn't be long until I could give him rusks and prob from about 3 months. I said I'd be trying to not wean him until 6 months if I can but she thought that was silly and he could go much sooner.

These are not my main concerns as he's my DS and I'll be the one feeding him etc. For now.

When I go back to work we will have to have MIL looking after him 1 day a week and I'm slightly concerned as to what she'll feed him or give him to drink even with my instruction. My DP says he's turned out fine and all GM's spoil there GKs.


sammysaidso Fri 03-May-13 23:31:39

Pay for a child minder or nursery.grandparents mean well but have very out of date ideas.

sammysaidso Fri 03-May-13 23:32:16

Sorry missed a space then blush

Xales Fri 03-May-13 23:36:08

Should you be giving a three month old baby water at all?

zoobaby Fri 03-May-13 23:36:17

Be thankful she didn't suggest some kind of alcohol additive. YANBU either. When she's looking after your DS you'll first need to establish what is acceptable and non-acceptable. GPs are usually willing to listen as long as there's a sensible reason.

zoobaby Fri 03-May-13 23:37:52

Actually, I take back my "usually" and replace it with a "sometimes".

zoobaby Fri 03-May-13 23:40:35

And tell DP there's a big difference between spoiling your GC and blatantly disregarding you DIL's wishes.

valiumredhead Fri 03-May-13 23:41:34

It's juice in some water not poison grin Just tell her you don't want to give your baby juice.

Saying that juice sorted out my ds's constipation and that was advised by a consultant from Kings and ds was younger than 3 months grin

She is following the advice she got, and what worked for her dc. It is really annoying but if you ask her to have your child you have to accept she will do things her way.

ohforfoxsake Fri 03-May-13 23:49:03

Give her a break. She's only trying to help.

The recommended way of doing things change all the time, and she's sharing her knowledge as she knows it. It was recommended at the time that DS1 be weaned at 3 months. DS2 was born 14 months later and the advice was 6 months.

Children need their relationship with their grandparents, your DC is very lucky to have her and I don't suppose she's accepting payment for the childcare.

I mean this kindly, but you need to relax a bit.

CloudsAndTrees Fri 03-May-13 23:59:20

Yabu to be shocked and think that someone who is now old enough to be a grandparent should be up to date with all of the advice that is given now.

When her babies were babies, the things she is advising you were seen as good advice!

Did you think she should stock up on baby magazines and books so that she could have a lovely read all about how everything she did with her babies is now considered wrong?

It's only a bit of juice. Babies used to be weaned from earlier than 3 months, a bit of juice and water is hardly a big deal. Just say you don't want to do it as you want to stick with the advice.

She's only trying to help, you can't expect her to have kept up with it all. I haven't since my first baby and I've had DC not that long ago. I always just followed what I thought was best rather than 'the advice'.

DuelingFanjo Sat 04-May-13 00:05:23

Weaning guidelines don't change 'all the time' they've only changed something like twice in many years.

YANBU to want her to follow your rules on what your child can eat, drink etc. However YABU to expect her to know if no-one has gone through it with her in detail & explained reasons why etc. Advice on baby safety was vastly different only a few years ago. My MIL has given/tried to give various things to my DD who is still not 1 year: marzipan at 8 months, honey & brandy in her milk FFS at 4 months! Icing off a cake bought from a market stall, it hadn't even been covered, DD was 3 months, I was livid, she could literally have killed her with listeria or something!

I hope think my MIL just didn't realise how different things are now, this is probably the case for you as well.

bicyclebuiltforfour Sat 04-May-13 00:24:01

Why are you giving a 3m old water??

ThingsThatMakeYouGoHmmmmmmmmm Sat 04-May-13 00:27:20


Keep your eyes on that one, she is clearly deranged.

And may try to actually eat your baby.grin

ps. YABU.

CloudsAndTrees Sat 04-May-13 00:30:27

It sounds wierd that you are seeing her once every three to four weeks for just an hour or two when the baby is only three months old, yet you are expecting her to know everything about how babies are looked after nowadays.

It sounds like she's barely seen him, and you say 'we will have to have mil looking after him' when you go back to work.

You don't have to do anything. You could find someone who is paid to know the up to date guidelines instead of taking a huge favour from someone you sound like you have very little respect for.

pickledginger Sat 04-May-13 00:38:14

Why are you giving a 3 month old water confused

edwardsmum11 Sat 04-May-13 00:44:49

I'm also wondering why you are giving a 3mo water.

kritur Sat 04-May-13 01:05:49

3mo babies should not be having water... Unless it's for a specific reason like constipation. Breast milk or formula should provide all their liquid and there should be no need to give additional water unless you live in a very hot country and LO is ff.

Your MIL is only saying what worked for her, your OH has a point...

StarsdontShine Sat 04-May-13 01:13:49

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

wreckitralph Sat 04-May-13 01:52:19

3 months old is a bit early for juice but I do not think your MIL is totally wrong. My children are both under 7 and I used this method to get my kids to drink water because it is very bland. I used 1/4 apple or pear juice and 3/4 water. As they got used to it, I reduced the amount of juice. Eventually they drank the water on it's own and now drink water all day every day. They also like juice which is a bonus. One of my friends was very happy to point out my failings as a parent when my oldest was young and how she "wouldn't do that to her child" when I used every trick in the book to get them to eat healthy things. I do actually think you need to pull tricks out of a hat sometimes to get a good result in the end.

Of course it's up to you but it's not as bad as you think. She's not exactly asking you to blend a big mac and fries and feed baby with this.

Look, I don't see eye to eye with my MIL all the time, but the fact of the matter is that your MIL can be a lot of support to you and can help you with your child if you let her. MIL and I often clash, but at the end of the day she is actually the only other person (except for DH) that I trust with my children.

Wuldric Sat 04-May-13 01:58:19

YABU - PFB - s'okay, we've all been there smile

Your child will not erupt in boils, I promise.

Kafri Sat 04-May-13 06:29:27

I've been told to give ds water if he's not pood and if it didn't help to put a spoonful of OJ into a 4oz bottle of water. (just for those asking about giving 3m water)

if you only see MIL this infrequently then how is she going to know dc well enough to babysit for you.

agree with others tho, if you don't think you can trust her to do things how you want then don't accept free child care - plenty of childminders and nurseries to choose from.

also agree that she'll be going off information that she was told but that doesn't mean she shoukd go directly against what yiu want.

conorsrockers Sat 04-May-13 06:46:41

DS1 didn't like water - so we gave him juice (sugar free etc ...) from about that age, much better for their teeth than fruit juice, and weaned all of them at around 4 months (my others all happened to like water better!) Did mine no harm at all - now strapping lads. It's hard not to get too caught up in all the 'advice' and preciousness (I say that in the nicest possible way) of it, as long as you're sensible they will be fine. As your DH says - he's alive!!

mathanxiety Sat 04-May-13 06:52:56

Get someone else to do the CMing. You are setting yourself up for serious family grief to involve your MIL and your DH's comment is an illustration of just what you will be up against. There is no such thing as free when it comes to baby care. You will pay no matter what, and all you get to choose is what form your payment will take.

The advice given to mothers of your MIL's generation was very different from what is now advised for baby nutrition. Plus, being out of the baby care racket for a good many years, your MIL has probably forgotten loads of sensible things.

A normal 3 mo does not need water.

Over the course of the years my first three DCs were born bfeeding guidelines changed from 3 months to at least a year for optimal benefit. My exMIL fed her children orange juice and formula prepared from evaporated milk, sugar and water from day one. That was baby feeding advice at the time (1950s and 60s). I have an American cookbook published in 1976 that has a section on feeding infants and 'invalids' at the back -- same sort of advice.

Restorer Sat 04-May-13 06:53:09

That's what my hv told me to do, so i really don't think your mil can be considered that odd. However, if you're going to be that easily annoyed by what your mil does with your dc, you need to seriously reconsider your childcare armaments. Your dh is right

Flisspaps Sat 04-May-13 06:56:51

50 why do you think you can't give marzipan to an under 1?

ivanapoo Sat 04-May-13 06:58:16

Also wondering why you want to give your baby water at this age...

But, assuming there's a valid reason eg constipation, a little juice (eg teaspoonful in a whole bottle of water) won't do any harm.

Ask you HV or GP for a leaflet on weaning you can give to her. Weaning early can upset a baby's digestion.

ApocalypseThen Sat 04-May-13 07:01:50

I think you should find someone else. You're going to be a nightmare for your mother in law, and she doesn't need it.

HollyBerryBush Sat 04-May-13 07:06:15

I do wish people would remember that advice and guidelines are just that, not the law.

Weaning advice changed with each of my children, I followed the pattern laid down for the eldest, that was what I was used to.

Scientists and universities get paid to come up with studies. Mothers instinct is usually best.

CecilyP Sat 04-May-13 07:06:58

I've been told to give ds water if he's not pood and if it didn't help to put a spoonful of OJ into a 4oz bottle of water. (just for those asking about giving 3m water)

Who told you this, Kafri?

bigkidsdidit Sat 04-May-13 07:09:11

my GP told me the same, a spoonful of orange juice into water for constipation, when Ds was 4 months ish. I think this is old fashioned now but certainly used to be standard advice.

Pobblewhohasnotoes Sat 04-May-13 07:18:56

I gave my DS small amounts of water when he was constipated. The HV told me to put orange juice in it but I refused.

Why are you giving a 3 month old water (unless like i said they're constipated)? They don't need it, they get everything from milk, and if bf they don't need extra water at all.

It's fair enough if you don't want your mil giving your DS juice, he's your baby. And to be honest it's not going to be good for his teeth. Juice in a bottle isn't recommended.

Tell her you don't want him to have juice or rusks and you'll be following the current guidelines of weaning at six months. Things change.

CecilyP Sat 04-May-13 07:37:19

You don't actually have to give a 3 month old water, as they will be getting enough in milk.

As the popple says, giving anything other than milk or water in a bottle is not recommended because it can cause tooth decay (not boils!). If you add sugar-free juice, then you are giving them the chemicals needed to make that juice palatable. While your DH has grown up fine, I wonder what his teeth were like as a little boy.

Whether there is a problem depends on 2 things - the first, whether your MIL will listen to current guidelines - or just scoff at them, and the second is when you are actually going back to work. If it is after he is 6 months, then he may well have started on solids and could have some very dilute juice in a cup.

mathanxiety Sat 04-May-13 07:37:40

Marzipan contains almonds Flisspaps. Babies shouldn't be given nuts until after 1 year as nuts can provoke allergic reactions.

No honey either until after 1 year. Honey can cause infant botulism.

And no alcohol.

wigglesrock Sat 04-May-13 07:40:57

I wouldn't be shocked as others have said its her idea of how she might do things. Will it even be an issue? How old will your baby be when you go back to work?

My parents in law minded my children 2 or 3 mornings a week when I went back to work (dd1 was 5 months when I went back) I'm sure they did lots of things that I maybe wouldn't of but it worked out really well. They had so much time for her, they played jigsaw for hours, I know I wouldn't be doing that. They read, they took her out for the day, she had lots of lovely time just being told how much she was loved smile. If you use grandparents for childcare there are disadvantages but for us the advantages were huge.

2rebecca Sat 04-May-13 07:45:50

There is increasing evidence that small amounts of nuts in the diet after 6 months reduces nut allergies because the bodies immune system tolerates it better.
At 3 months I'd stick to breast/ formula milk.

mynewpassion Sat 04-May-13 07:48:38

I had to go with my sister to the doctor for her twins. The doctor recommended adding a bit of pear juice to water if the babies become constipated. It was a high ratio something like 1 part juice to every 3 or 4 part water. The juice is very diluted.

Restorer Sat 04-May-13 07:49:40

Yes, i thought the 'rules' on nuts had changed too Rebecca

bigkidsdidit Sat 04-May-13 07:50:24

I thought nuts were fine after 6 months, just not whole ones for the choking risk. Certainly DS had peanut butter from 6 months.

mynewpassion Sat 04-May-13 07:55:05

Honey is definitely a NO, NO before one.

Pobblewhohasnotoes Sat 04-May-13 08:00:20

Whole nuts aren't recommended for children under five as they are a choking hazard.

Things like smooth peanut butter can be given after six months.

Honey should not be given to a child under one due to botulism. I've seen a baby with botulism and trust me, it's nasty.

Khaleese Sat 04-May-13 08:05:38

You need to decide what your doing and stick to it. I had the following advise from grand mothers...

You need to breast feed every four hours. (newborn)
Are you not giving water (4 month)
A never ending list of health worries.

My standard response was "i'm not doing it that way, this is what i'm doing." if your confident people back off.

If they continue you say " your advise is now outdated"

Khaleese Sat 04-May-13 08:07:10

Fwiw, i'd pay for childcare.

mathanxiety Sat 04-May-13 08:07:54

Peanuts are legumes.

If there's a family history of allergy of any kind they will advise no tree nuts and no peanuts until after 1.

Lazyjaney Sat 04-May-13 08:25:19

Ask for your money back OP

I also love this idea that GPs have "out of date" ideas when they have clearly managed to successfully bring up kids of their own.

There are only baby rearing fashions OP, the Mk 1 human baby hasn't changed in millions of years.

WifeofGru Sat 04-May-13 08:34:25

I'm sure your MIL won't be long in getting up to speed with modern parenting practices. I'm sure my DDs will think I'm a crazy woman when I impart my parenting tips from this era.

edwardsmum11 Sat 04-May-13 08:38:17

Whole nuts after 5 I thought but crushed nuts at any age I thought.

WipsGlitter Sat 04-May-13 08:45:59

It was only a suggestion/advice. You can provide the food when he goes there (and grit your teeth when she feeds him what age wants, that's the price of free childcare!).

ApocalypseThen Sat 04-May-13 09:12:31

Once again, no-one actually cares about

peanut guidance changed in 2009 - peanut butter/other nut products are ok after 6 months, whole nuts from age 5

ApocalypseThen Sat 04-May-13 09:14:43

Sorry, no one cares about poor mil here. She's going to be expected to care for this child -free! - and she's not even let open her mouth to say what she thinks, let alone do it. Why would she bother? It's going to be a nightmare for her.

poppyandthelion Sat 04-May-13 09:18:41

Thanks for your replies.

The reason I am giving DS water IS due to constipation on the advice of my HV, plus she also advised do this as the weather gets warmer so he is not dehyrdated. He is solely formula fed.

I really never thought about how different the practices are now (a bit naive of me, I know). I know she wouldn't be meaning any harm whatsoever it's just that MIL uses "treats" to show affection iyswim. Even the cats get chocolate biscuits/cakes along with the neighbours dogs.

I am not expecting her to follow my instruction to the letter because once DS is with her for the day, what they do is up to her and I am okay with that. I just don't want him to be stuffed with junk food.

I think my issue is confidence, because I don't feel comfortable correcting her as I don't really know her that well but by the time it comes to leaving my DS I will have to make clear my expectations and I did like some of the suggestions on here for that.

Some of you may be shocked that I am willing to leave my DS with someone I hardly know however she is my DP's mother and I trust his judgement implicitly. Also, I would rather do this than use paid childcare as MIL has an emotional investment in my DS.

Flisspaps Sat 04-May-13 09:19:05

mathanxiety The NHS advice on nuts is: if after checking with your health visitor or doctor, you decide to introduce solid foods before six months, you should avoid giving your baby certain foods as they may cause food allergies or make your baby ill. These include foods that contain wheat, gluten, nuts, peanuts, peanut products..

So unless the poster I referred to has allergies in her family/her DP's family, there's no reason to avoid marzipan just because it contains nuts.

Yonionekanobe Sat 04-May-13 09:19:28

And no alcohol

Damn. I knew I'd done something wrong, but everyone was raving about BLW and the bottle was in her reach...


BruthasTortoise Sat 04-May-13 09:21:11

This is why I'm quite happy that by the time my sons have children I will most likely still be in full time employment and not be expected to provide childcare for my grandchildren. Your MIL gave you the best advice she knew, if you don't agree don't do it. You've given no indication that she won't respect your wishes, even if she doesn't agree. Give the woman a break or find alternative childcare.

ApocalypseThen Sat 04-May-13 09:24:29

So you don't really know her, you can't speak frankly to her, you don't trust her, you want her to follow instructions which you can't discuss, and you want her to do this for the joy of being passive aggressived to death.

I'd love to be a mil.

FarBetterNow Sat 04-May-13 09:26:02

In five years time most of these guide lines will have changed - again!

BruthasTortoise Sat 04-May-13 09:27:06

Most women I know who had their children pre-1990 or so would advise very dilute juice and water for constipation. In fact many GPs, HVs etc still recommend it. Had your HV advised the same would you have been equally shocked?

janey68 Sat 04-May-13 09:27:30

You would rather use your MIL than paid childcare because she has an 'emotional investment' in him . More likely it's because it saves you a bob or two hmm
And then you have the nerve to complain and be 'shocked' that she isn't totally up to date with guidelines. Sheesh. I feel truly sorry for grandparents who are seen as a money saving device and then carped at and criticised for trying their best.
If you want someone who will know all the up to date guidelines and regulations then find a nursery or childminder.

mrspaddy Sat 04-May-13 09:30:05

I don't understand why you don't see your MIL more often now and yet want emotional investment of one day a week?

Lazyjaney Sat 04-May-13 09:31:12

"In five years time most of these guide lines will have changed - again!"

Indeed - I'd trust someone who successfully brought up my DH long before i trusted the latest child rearing money spinners theories, as you know it will all change again.

BruthasTortoise Sat 04-May-13 09:32:33

Also worth thinking that in 30 or so years time your DIL could be on a forum moaning about the ridiculous 6 month weaning guidelines you had been telling her about. Swings and roundabouts and all...

Goldmandra Sat 04-May-13 09:33:06

I would worry more about your DP's attitude than MIL's.

You should feel that he will back you up in following current advice on weaning, etc. If you can present a united front it should be fine.

If you can't present a united front and you think she will do things like wean him early on inappropriate foods you need to rethink your childcare arrangements. Just letting her get on with it because he turned out OK will cause untold stress for the whole family.

Lazyjaney Sat 04-May-13 09:36:17

"I would worry more about your DP's attitude than MIL's. You should feel that he will back you up in following current advice on weaning, etc. If you can present a united front it should"

What - support the latest transient crapola rather than his mother, who from his point of view brought him up very successfully?

Now that is unreasonable.

Kafri Sat 04-May-13 09:37:22

Cecily the consultant he's under for his reflux. x

diddl Sat 04-May-13 09:38:37

Can't help thinking that if he needs to drink the water then adding juice so that he does is a good thing.

poppyandthelion Sat 04-May-13 09:40:05

Yes, I would've be equally shocked if my HV suggested the same. Because juice is full of sugar/additives and I wouldn't want my DS having that so young. Plus my HV told me I spoil my DS and I should leave my son to cry when I mentioned he can only get to sleep by being held or rocked so I don't think my HV is always right.

I am not seeing my MIL as a money saving device, I want him to have a relationship with her, and me too. We have things in place for this before I have to go back to work so I do know her better before then. I would rather he stays with her than in a nursery where they don't care about him. They seem too impersonal to me. But that's my personal view. MIL herself has raised concerns about not knowing DS well enough at the moment. This has been for a variety of reasons and will be addressed. I don't want to have to leave him at all but that's the nature of the beast.

janey68 Sat 04-May-13 09:42:30

Oh yes of course because a childminder or nursery won't give a stuff will they lol

Honestly, your poor MIL.

If its for constipation then I probably would have advised a dash of juice as that was quite common when my eldest was young.

I think it makes sense to leave your baby with MIL rather than a childcare professional, it's not like you know them any better but will probably have more of a chance to get to know MIL as will your baby which is important, that's his grandmother.

I've used family a lot as childcare and what I would say is you need to work out what your priorities are in regards to his care, its different than aid childcare. If its weaning and routine, make sure mil is up to date with your opinions on those things rather than fussing about what clothes she puts him in. You have to relinquish some control with all childcare but with family you have to decide what areas you are ok with them having a bit of input. My MIL is very into the church, I'm not at all but I let her be ton with that as it doesn't really bother me and she is looking after them for me.

Yonionekanobe Sat 04-May-13 09:49:35

I think you need to look at different nurseries if that is what you have seen. I looked at six for DD and only one of them seemed like that and I dare say I may have just caught a bad moment. My daughter adores the staff at her nursery and I doubt that would be the case if they were 'impersonal'.

mynewpassion Sat 04-May-13 09:51:16

Sorry but I would add a bit of juice if it would help relieve the constipation. A bit of diluted juice once in a blue moon isn't going to hurt him.

diddl Sat 04-May-13 09:51:40

Are yes-MILs need to provide childcare once a week to have a relationship with their GC!!

Yonionekanobe Sat 04-May-13 09:52:19

Sorry meant to add..DD spends a day a week with my PILs. I know they give her treats but they adore her and I wouldn't dream of dictating to people who brought up both DH and BIL with no major problems.

BruthasTortoise Sat 04-May-13 09:55:08

You do know that they're not suggesting giving your 3 month old fruit shoots instead of his milk don't you? If the child is constipated, water alone isn't working the a dash of juice may be the next step before moving into movical or lactulose. Honestly if that shocks you then you would've fainted when my GP suggested giving flat 7-up to my dioarlyte refusing toddler.

Ae you talking about squash or fruit juice? If you buy fresh fruit juice it doesn't have additives and the sugar is naturally occurring. The fructose has an effect on the digestion which is why it can be good for constipation.

mynewpassion Sat 04-May-13 10:00:45

My sister's doc recommended pear and prune juice because they are natural laxatives. So diluted juice will help.

mynewpassion Sat 04-May-13 10:03:51

My sister's doc recommended pear and prune juice because they are natural laxatives. So diluted juice will help.

poppyandthelion Sat 04-May-13 10:04:25

It was squash that suggested so he'd like the flavour more. But, as has been pointed out, this is prob just because of different guidelines now that MIL isn't aware of and that DP turned out fine.

Bunbaker Sat 04-May-13 10:12:00

"grandparents mean well but have very out of date ideas."

I agree. I had to correct my MIL loads of times when she suggested: adding salt and sugar to DD's food when I was weaning her, wrapping her up in blankets when she had a temperature, giving her chocolate and sweet stuff during early weaning and all sorts of other ideas that were just plain barmy.

"Even the cats get chocolate biscuits/cakes along with the neighbours dogs."

shock. Chocolate is really bad for cats and dogs

When I stopped breastfeeding DD and started her on formula at 6 months she had terrible constipation and she wouldn't drink water. On the health visitor's advice I gave her some very dilute baby juice and it worked.

It sounds like your MIL means well but just doesn't have a clue.

I wouldnt give squash especially if it has artificial sweeteners as they are banned from baby foods and not suitable for babies. If you were to put a splash of juice in his water then use fresh fruit juice with no added nasties. It isnt advised to use citrus juices under 6 months so I'd choose an alternative flavour.

p.s. what milk is he on as some milks can be more constipating than others? A change in milk could help rather than adding in extra water.

btw no need for overpriced baby juices as normal fresh fruit juice is fine - nhs says no fruit juices under 6 months and to avoid squash.

sayithowitis Sat 04-May-13 10:34:26

When my DCs were born, over 20 years ago, the MW, HV and GP all told me to offer cooled, boiled water between feeds, especially during hot weather. neither of mine would drink water so the HV suggested I buy some of the baby juice that was available back then, in granular form, to make a very dilute fruit flavoured drink. Both mine drank this as young babies. Certainly DC 1 from a very young age due to constipation. I was also advised to wean them both well before what is now considered 'correct' - around 3 months in both cases. They also had peanut butter, honey and wheat well before a year old - because it wasn't considered an issue back then. If I was looking after a baby now, I would expect the parents to update me as I accept that the advice I was given was different to current guidelines. but, as someone else said upthread, basic baby design hasn't changed significantly in the intervening years and since mine grew into healthy, intelligent and contented adults, i suspect that what I did regarding their food/drink intake, didn't do them any real harm.

Oh yes, I was also reminded that if I bought gripe water, it needed to be an alcohol free version. It would appear that when my mum thought she was helping my wind, she was actually getting her new baby somewhat intoxicated!

CecilyP Sat 04-May-13 10:42:10

The natural sugar in fruit juice is just as bad for teeth as refined sugar in squashes and both are especially bad if sucked through a teat which is what I would imagine a 3 month old would be doing. I suppose as an occasional thing to relieve constipation, it might be fine but not as a regular thing.

jamdonut Sat 04-May-13 10:52:14

Guidelines...they are just that. You do not have to follow them.

With my children, the "guidelines" were entirely different each time. (1992,1997 and 2000) So what to believe? I think you take a middle route. If something works ...great...I don't think you need to beat yourself up about not having "followed the rules". As long as it is not positively dangerous.

When I was a baby, I was given carnation milk by the midwives,when my mum had difficulty breast-feeding (1964). So far so good,no major health problems! But , I wouldn't suggest that now! Although, if it is lifesaving,would you still say it is not a good idea? Look at the mixtures they give the children who are victims of famine.

My midwife (same for all my children) suggested I have 1 small Mackesons a day(not something I would drink under normal circumstances -yuk-) ,to help with my breastfeeding.For a while I did, and it worked.

I hope my children don't think I don't have a clue when they have their own children.After all, they've all reached the ages they are without too much mishap.

It is not fair to treat grandparents like they are idiots,or potential child harmers,(unless,of course, you yourself were actually harmed as a child) just because things are done differently now.

EatMyFoodFeelMyFork Sat 04-May-13 10:57:22

Op, I feel for you here as I have struggled with in laws with funny ideas. The way I dealt with it was confidence! I read as much as I could so that I could back up decisions with science, I discussed everything with DH so that he was on board too, and finally, I decided that if people thought I was being precious then tough!

Goldmandra Sat 04-May-13 10:57:53

What - support the latest transient crapola rather than his mother, who from his point of view brought him up very successfully?

His mother is advising the "transient crapola" which was doled out a generation ago. The latest "transient crapola" is based on greater understanding developed from more recent research and experience.

No doubt it will have changed again by the time this baby is a father but the fact that he survived won't be a reason to ignore new advice. If we did that we'd still be shutting them in rooms on their own for hours, keeping them quiet by feeding them gin and laudenum smile

seeker Sat 04-May-13 11:02:14

Well, I am a bit shocked that you are giving your 3 month old water......would you let me look after your baby? grin

wonderingsoul Sat 04-May-13 11:09:06

ok may be being a little dim but i thought it was adviced to give cooled down boiled water, even at newborn age (obviousely not as a replasment meal for milk. but inbetween meals)

specialsubject Sat 04-May-13 11:09:52

things have moved on - rusks are solid sugar and now known to be not ideal, weaning is 6 months unless otherwise advised.

but none of the old ways killed babies, it's just that there are better ideas. Smoking used to be advertised as good for you!

MsJupiterJones Sat 04-May-13 11:22:20

My DMum is going to be looking after DS 2 days a week when I go back to work. She also had 'funny' ideas about weaning etc but I've talked to her positively about research etc and how great it is that we have this improved knowledge and now she is really on side - even with BLW! We've also talked about how things change and how some things are fads or fashions but some come from extensive research (eg SIDS guidelines). I haven't pooh-poohed her ideas as being outdated or awful and acknowledged how well she cared for us as children. We've had a couple of petty squabbles but for the most part it's been good-humoured and we can laugh at each other's personal foibles without offence being taken.

She lives close so she's already spent a lot of time with DS and I think you should try and make this a priority with your MIL, even if it's awkward at first. We are also paying for her to do a baby first aid course so she is confident if something happens. She is going to look after him at our house and I'll prepare and leave food for the day. She knows how grateful and happy we are that she is doing this both from a financial pov but also for DS to develop a close bond with her.

Decide what is most important to you and put your foot down if necessary but accept that there might be a few things you have to bite your tongue over. But I'd say the first step is spending more time together so you can talk about these issues calmly and without causing bad feeling.

ps My HV told me to give 3mo DS juice when he was constipated, I declined.

Pobblewhohasnotoes Sat 04-May-13 11:22:44

ok may be being a little dim but i thought it was adviced to give cooled down boiled water, even at newborn age (obviousely not as a replasment meal for milk. but inbetween meals)

Um no. Small amounts for constipation in a FF baby but bf babies don't need water. Newborns don't need water, they need milk.

Guidelines are based on research, times have changed. My mum put me in a carrycot on the back seat of the car. Would I do the same? No.

There's no reason why the OP shouldn't say to her mil that she doesn't want her baby being given juice. Yes grandparents like to spoil with sweets and treats but this child is 3 months old and the OP is choosing to wean at six months. I'm not saying her mil is an idiot, but she should respect the OP's choices as a mother.

OP, it sound like you haven't found the best nursery. My DS goes two days a week and gets on really well. He even eats for them better than for me!

Lazyjaney Sat 04-May-13 11:32:19

"The latest "transient crapola" is based on greater understanding developed from more recent research and experience"

If only. Commercial interests, fads and what the latest celeb is doing all influence the current advice. The only thing you can guarantee is it will all have changed again by the time you have your next.

I'd trust the judgement of someone who has brought up my DH successfully long before Id trust the latest advice, especially if I'm asking that person for free childcare.

CecilyP Sat 04-May-13 11:54:15

ok may be being a little dim but i thought it was adviced to give cooled down boiled water, even at newborn age (obviousely not as a replasment meal for milk. but inbetween meals

Why would you? What a faff when all that the baby is consuming is liquid anyway. Having said that, water on its own won't do the baby any harm.

janey68 Sat 04-May-13 12:03:49

All research is funded by some organisation so even guidelines have to be considered in the light of stakeholder bias

But really, we're not talking life or death here. The MIL isn't planning to stick the baby unrestrained on the back seat of a car!! Small amounts of boiled cooled water will not harm a baby. They may not actively do it any good but that doesn't mean it will do harm. The MIL is making suggestions based on her experience of raising children which was totally valid at that time. Why on earth should she be up to scratch with new guidelines. I'm not because my children are well beyond babyhood now. I think it's so sad that some grandparents are viewed as a means of saving money and then criticised into the bargain! If I were the grandmother in question I'd be very tempted to say that id welcome a loving relationship so please visit or invite me whenever, but please don't use me for free childcare if you're going to rant on MN very five minutes in 'shock' at the fact that I don't automatically do the same as you

poppyandthelion Sat 04-May-13 12:23:28

I am not being ungrateful about MIL looking after DS and I don't see what that has to do me not being happy with him being giving food etc I don't approve of.

So, as she's looking after him for free, I should let her be able to do whatever she pleases in respect to looking after him? Even if that means my son being fed food on a regular basis that may not be good for him?

janey68 Sat 04-May-13 12:27:35

No it doesn't mean she can do whatever she pleases. But it does give you less control than you'd have with a properly regulated childcare set up. It may mean letting things go when they're not that major. Picking your battles. And not expressing 'shock' when she's not up to speed with things. Perfectly reasonable to express shock if a nursery or registered childminded doesn't know their stuff- they're in the business. But a woman who probably hasn't been near a baby for 30 or 40 years.. Ridiculous.

bigkidsdidit Sat 04-May-13 13:02:46

you would actually have far more control with a paid childcare setting.

seeker Sat 04-May-13 13:40:01

I do wish people would stop this"things change every 5 minutes" thing. They don't.

Things change occasionally as science develops. If something is discovered to be better/safer, then why wouldn't you change?

But I can't think of anything much that's different now than it was 12 years ago when my younger one was a baby.

Restorer Sat 04-May-13 13:43:59

My eldest is 12 and it was definitely weaning at 16 weeks then seeker, Mind you, even then, as a first time mum. I knew most of what the HV told me was nonsense.

seeker Sat 04-May-13 13:47:10

No it wasn't! Honestly- I've got my red book to prove it.

seeker Sat 04-May-13 13:49:41

Well, the red book says "can begin to take solids between 4-6 months" but the WHO guidelines were 6 months.

Cloverer Sat 04-May-13 13:50:38

Weaning guidelines were introduced in the 1970s (4 months).

In 1994 they were revised to 4-6 months

In 2003 they were revised to 6 months

Not a huge amount of changed imo.

Personally I would avoid water or juice for a 3 month old.

janey68 Sat 04-May-13 13:55:01

It doesn't really matter how often things change (although I'm darn sure a lot will have changed in the 30 or so years since the MIL had babies!)
The point is: apart from major things like using car seats and laying babies on their back, there are many aspects of childcare which are not life or death and if you are going to expect someone else to look after your child as a favour then it really doesn't make sense to nit pick over every little thing.
Looking after a baby or young child for whole days at a time is bloody hard going- it can be draining and isolating as well as rewarding. The chances are that someone doing it as a favour will cut corners now and again. This may be in various ways- too much tv, a biscuit now and then to divert a tantrum... At the end of the day parents need to weigh up the deal. If you want greater control, find regulated childcare which you're happy with.

Restorer Sat 04-May-13 14:03:10

Seeker. I have my red book too grin From Ds2 born 2003 and it states " From about four months of age your baby may be ready to commence taking solid foods" I just checked!

So maybe, things don't only change with time, but there are regional variations too.

Flobbadobs Sat 04-May-13 14:29:52

I have DS's red book from 2000, guidlines are weaning from 4-6 months smile.
OP the juice thing really isn't huge in the grand scheme of things but they can and probably will lead to much bigger tissues in the future if a bit of juice is going to shock you. I would look at nursery or childminder.
A good nursery will have staff who will care about your child. Despite the negative press nursery nurses get (under educated, uncaring etc) it is actually very hard to make a career out of childcare unless you actually like children!
YABU and a little pfb but. A previous poster said, we've all been there.

Flobbadobs Sat 04-May-13 14:30:17

Bigger issues. Not tissues blush

ohforfoxsake Sat 04-May-13 14:56:15

I think being shocked, even slightly, by the suggestion alone is a bit of an over reaction. Then again I was pretty horrified when DM gave DS1 his first taste of chocolate at 3 months - as he sucked on a cream egg. hmm

BlahBlahBlahhh Sat 04-May-13 16:09:16

PFB ? grin

Wuldric Sat 04-May-13 18:05:46

PFB = precious first born

digerd Sat 04-May-13 18:22:06

My SIL was 65 when her DD gave birth for the second time, and she had to do the childcare full-time when GDD was 8 months old.
She was given strict instructions about everything. No feeding on demand but dead on the dot of the regular times stated, feeding and the sleeping. The previous GC was 14.

Now GDD is 7 and SIL is picking her up and returning her to school for freshly cooked lunch-time dinners home cooked by her.

I have a feeling soon, GDD will want to stay at school with her friends to enjoy the lunch-time break, instead of going home with SIL.

And yes we did give our 3 months old babies rosehip syrup diluted in water, as rich in vit C, but then worries emerged about it rotting their baby teeth. Also Codliver oil and malt was a supplement, which I was addicted to and also ate loads of it. blush

BlahBlahBlahhh Sat 04-May-13 18:40:03

Thanks Wuldric, meant, is baby PFB ? I'm assuming so...sounds like a classic case ! smile

Bunbaker Sat 04-May-13 18:47:25

"The natural sugar in fruit juice is just as bad for teeth as refined sugar in squashes and both are especially bad if sucked through a teat which is what I would imagine a 3 month old would be doing."

I don't think many babies of three months old have any teeth. DD's first tooth appeared the day after her first birthday.

fleecypjs Sat 04-May-13 22:37:29

I have 2 sets of in laws providing childcare for 2 days per week each. I am very grateful. Concessions do have to be made though. My 11 month old is being given milky bars and occasionally having no naps at one set of grandparents. However the balance is that they adore him and do fun things with him like take him swimming. I am hoping things will settle down and i try to provide some gentle advice re napping and more than enough healthy snacks. It is not easy though, but is any childcare arrangement 100% perfect all the time?

treesntrees Sat 04-May-13 23:13:53

during and after world war 2 babies were issued with concentrated orange juice as well as codliver oil and it is a fact that people in general had a healthier and more nutricious diet then than today.

ThingsThatMakeYouGoHmmmmmmmmm Sat 04-May-13 23:25:00

By the time you've had your third, OP.......grin

foreverondiet Sat 04-May-13 23:38:38

Babies don't need water unless its v hot.....

My DC never wanted to drink water, if I wanted them to have more fluids (ie on holiday in 35-40c heat) had to add a little apple juice (ie pure fruit juice DEF would never give sugar free juice to baby - someone mentioned this - shock) to water or water down formula a bit (would only do this if v v hot). Breast fed babies don't need water at all - in hot weather they will take more breast milk.

So don't think shocking to give juice to 3 month old BUT imo to OP's concern, better to pay for childminder nursery etc as can't give instructions to GPs who are looking after baby for free.

IneedAsockamnesty Sun 05-May-13 00:38:59

I've got more than 3 and I wouldn't give such a tiny baby squash and all my red books from 1996 to 2003 say 4-6 months as a start for weaning

jacks365 Sun 05-May-13 00:55:46

Dd1 was born in 94 and advice was 4 months, dd2 was born 95 and advice was changed to not before 6 months. Dd4 was born 2011 and still 6 months though she started blw by grabbing food at 4 months. I've seen so many changes over my 4 children that i take it with a pinch of salt now but i don't give cordial and with regards to the person who said teeth aren't an issue my dd4 cut her first two teeth at 16 weeks.

Guidelines change all the time and we keep learning new things. Read lots and keep reading, think what feels right for you and go with your gut.

seeker Sun 05-May-13 07:01:29

" I've seen so many changes over my 4 children that i take it with a pinch of salt now "

What sort of changes?

CecilyP Sun 05-May-13 07:09:20

^"The natural sugar in fruit juice is just as bad for teeth as refined sugar in squashes and both are especially bad if sucked through a teat which is what I would imagine a 3 month old would be doing."

I don't think many babies of three months old have any teeth. DD's first tooth appeared the day after her first birthday.^

I realised that after I wrote it, but if it is a habit that is started at 3 month, it is not likely that it will be stopped as soon as baby has teeth. DS had his first teeth at 5 months which I think is fairly common.

CecilyP Sun 05-May-13 07:18:02

during and after world war 2 babies were issued with concentrated orange juice as well as codliver oil and it is a fact that people in general had a healthier and more nutricious diet then than today.

And had more rotten milk teeth. Concentrated orange juice was provided free to all children regardless of income until 1971. I think if we tried it today, compared to the orange juice we now buy from the supermarket, we would be horrified at just how sweet it was.

Lovelygoldboots Sun 05-May-13 08:19:05

I'll never forget my dad sitting next to my DD now 10 when she was four months attempting to give her a bowl of ice cream. Cue me running across the lounge shouting noooo (its all slow motion in my head). I was horrified, but bless him he was fine about it and my pfbness grin. He didn't try to feed her again and my mum told him off for not checking with me first.

CheungFun Sun 05-May-13 08:31:33

I must say I was hugely relieved when it turned out that my pil would not be looking after DS one day a week. Honestly, paying a professional is a million times more preferable to me than having said pil ignoring my instructions and criticising every tiny thing I do. Having said that I realise not all in laws are the same!

I'd suggest a trial run with your mil looking after your baby and see how you both get on, she might find it's too much hard work, you might find a way to communicate better with her with regards to your wishes on weaning etc.

2rebecca Sun 05-May-13 09:02:50

If your baby is constipated you could try changing formula brands. Hungry baby milk is more prone to constipation than ordinary formula and unnecessary for most babies, just give them more frequent feeds if they're not gaining weight.
For constipation I'd use a small amount of diluted orange juice (not squash) if changing formula doesn't help.
I used childminders and yes I did give them fairly free reign on what they fed my kids as long as they weren't poisoning them. Wheat before 6 months was a definite no though, although both mine were in the wean at 4 months era and my oldest would have struggled waiting until 6 months as he had alot of reflux and some food (baby rice, fruit purees, mashed banana) instantly sorted it.
My inlaws brought up healthy children so I'd have just not wanted to hear too much detail if they'd been looking after the kids. If they'd raised obese kids who won't eat anything but chips and spagghetti hoops they wouldn't have been child minding my kids, but then I wouldn't have been married to their son.

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