To be annoyed with DH for not feeding the baby the food I prepared

(84 Posts)
finnbob Fri 03-May-13 21:21:09

DH works away 4 weeks at a time so I am usually wrecked by the time he comes back as 8 month old wakes once a night every night.

I organised a day away for myself today, shopping, lunch, facial.

Left lunch and dinner in the fridge to be reheated for the baby. When I came home they were both still there. The baby hadn't had dinner yet but his lunch was still there too. So I was a bit pissed off and said what did he eat. He gave him a yoghurt, but not his baby one, a fruit corner. He said he forgot he was supposed to give him pasta.

I lost the plot then and threw the meals on the counter and said why did I bother making food for him if you can't be arsed to heat it and feed him. And I shouted a bit about not being able to have one day off.

He got stroppy and said he didn't realise what he was supposed to give him. I just thought I couldn't have made it any easier and that he obviously doesn't listen to a word I say. So he stormed off and I started crying. I did actually tell him many times about reheating the food and to give him a yoghurt after his pasta if he was hungry. I don't usually go away for day so I had told him everything I thought he'd need to know.

Days relaxation undone in 2 minutes lol! So do your worst, WABU to get in such a state!

5318008 Fri 03-May-13 21:26:26

YANBU at ALL

I hope the baby had some milk throughout the day

Sorry YABU. I think because you are used to DH being away and everything being done to your standards/your way. So what if DC ate a Fruit Corner? Will it really matter in 20 years? Time with Daddy will matter. So far my DH has given DD (2 yo) McDonalds, cake, ice cream once a week and several other things she would never have had with me. She knows its Daddy treats and doesn't bug me for them.

Throwing the meals and crying does sound like there are other things going on...

VinegarDrinker Fri 03-May-13 21:27:56

Erm, YABU. Massive overreaction.

Sirzy Fri 03-May-13 21:29:03

Unless he was screaming with hunger then YABU.

The baby ate, may not have been the greatest food choice but it was far from the worst.

mrsjay Fri 03-May-13 21:29:06

I also think you are being U and overracting sorry but he did give him something and the baby is ok your husband is a twit for not feeding him what you prepared but he did feed him baby yoghurts are a rip off fwiw a fruit corner does just as well

SirBoobAlot Fri 03-May-13 21:30:05

Depends, how old is the baby and what else did he eat apart from the fruit corner?

IneedAsockamnesty Fri 03-May-13 21:30:20

Was it all she had to eat?

If so yanbu is he usually that incompetent?

If not chill

DribbleWiper Fri 03-May-13 21:30:37

YANBU - if you told your DH that many times, he should remember what you said. It's not complicated to feed the baby what you prepared. You should be able to go out for the day with your mind at rest knowing your DH can handle things at home properly. If you're the one who's always at home with the baby, you're perfectly entitled to plan how things are done, imho. I hope he listens more carefully in the future. You really shouldn't have to write down "feed the baby the meals in the fridge" for a grown man.

GirlWiththeLionHeart Fri 03-May-13 21:31:25

Yabu. At 8 months old they don't need 3 square meals a day. Milk is still the main source of food, so as long as he had enough milk, he won't perish.

The main thing is your dc and dh had fun and bonding time.

CookieLady Fri 03-May-13 21:31:31

Look, at least your dh didn't give your little one this morning's left over porridge for tea. angry sad

DefiniteMaybe Fri 03-May-13 21:32:06

So you were out all day and your baby just had a yogurt to eat? I'd say YANBU. He should have fed his child.

HollyBerryBush Fri 03-May-13 21:32:17

Jesus wept.

mrsjay Fri 03-May-13 21:32:58

I can see why you are pissed off he is away for a month and you are on your own but you did over react I think

Tee2072 Fri 03-May-13 21:33:32

You are totally over reacting. Chill. You'll be happier.

Take another day but leave your husband to it. He and the baby will be fine.

Sirzy Fri 03-May-13 21:34:42

At 8 months, assuming milk was given then a baby doesn't need more than that.

Ezza1 Fri 03-May-13 21:35:06

Yabu confused

HollyBerryBush Fri 03-May-13 21:35:17

Let me think about this.

You left an 8mo with a bloke you see once every 4 weeks, and buggered off for a day having your black heads exfoliated. You come home and start throwing food round and go off for a mini breakdown

Any other thread with a father pitching up once a month to take a baby out for a whole day there would be hell to pay - let alone the whole yogurt fiasco.

GoingUpInTheWorld Fri 03-May-13 21:35:27

My husband would of done the exact same.

I said to him today that i worry what would happen to dd if something happened to me as hes so inconpetent with her.

If hes changing dds nappy, which isnt often and shes pooed, then he shouts me for help!!

Yanbu!!!

HumphreyCobbler Fri 03-May-13 21:36:05

I would be annoyed that my DH was so clueless he couldn't think of something more appropriate to feed a baby off his own bat.

I think the issue is him not listening to you rather than the baby not eating what he was supposed to. the baby would have let him know if he were hungry so unless he spent the day howling with hunger YABU about the food.

However, YANBU about losing it with a husband who doesn't bloody listen. I have one of those. They are enough to drive you potty, aren't they? I have to send mine emails about important dates or he claims I never told him. angry

Gilberte Fri 03-May-13 21:36:58

YANBU. Why didn't he call you if he didn't know what to give him?

It amazes me how some people have no common sense

Next time I suggest a big note on the fridge!

VinegarDrinker Fri 03-May-13 21:40:03

At 8 months you'd have been lucky if my DS licked a bit of toast all day. Honestly thus is so much of a non issue it's laughable.

To those posters saying "he didn't feed the poor baby all day" - she got home before dinnertime and he did give the baby a decent amount of yoghurt (plus presumably some milk or I'm sure the OP would have mentioned in her rant).

OP you are exactly the kind of poster who will be back in a couple of years complaining that your DH can't cope with his own DC - yes, because you are micro managing and won't let him!

Waking once a night? That's nothing.

YABU. Honestly, he fed the baby! He hardly sees the baby - you should've left written instructions. Man alive.

TartyMcTart Fri 03-May-13 21:41:32

Good God, YABU!

It's just one meal in one day. Your OH is away for 4 weeks at a time, he won't realise how you always do things but he doesnt need you breathing down his neck telling him what he's doing wrong. Leave them be!

nenevomito Fri 03-May-13 21:41:36

Did he feed the baby? Was the baby screaming hungry?

I can understand why you got hacked off, but if the baby has been fed something and has had its milk and isn't hungry, it really doesn't matter that he didn't use what you'd prepared.

I think the problem is that because you're doing it all the time, you have your way of doing it and he doesn't. I can understand why you're upset, but you are overreacting a bit.

ilovepicnmix Fri 03-May-13 21:42:49

Yanbu. He should be doing all he can to ensure you relax and you won't be able to next time you leave your baby with him. I have to leave a timetable with my ex which is pretty poor I think.

Feckadeck Fri 03-May-13 21:42:56

YANBU - what a knob. He didn't realise his child needed fed? Even if still having milk he would have needed his meals as well esp if you are trying to get him use to meal times etc. Not huge deal about the type of yoghurt though would annoy me too as those are crap as a one off it is okay but not bothering to give him any meals at all. Knob. You made it clear to him what was available it's not like he had to make anything fresh and you are with baby 4 weeks alone. I don't think one day off to have to yourself knowing baby is being cared for is too much to ask.

NikkiLaLa Fri 03-May-13 21:43:40

YANBU at all I would be fuming! It's one day that you wanted to yourself, you should be able to have that without having to worry if he has fed the baby. He is lucky you didn't throw the food at him, I would have! My dh doesn't pay attention to anything and it drives me mental!

Holly it's not "a bloke she see's once every 4 weeks" it's her husband and the babies Dad..

Tantruminateacup Fri 03-May-13 21:44:50

Sorry I think yabu but I know where you are coming from. My DH use to work away and I got used to doing things my own way it could be very annoying when he came home and my routine went out of the window. We had many arguments about it and in the end it started to spoil the time he was home so I had to learn to let go a little, So baby didn't have the planned lunch, nothing bad happened and the pasta will keep for tomorrow.Don't let it spoil your precious family time.

I ways left written instructions for people unfamiliar with DD when she was a baby. You only have to write them once and they are good for a few months. It is great for peace of mind.

Most men are bloody effing useless.

Ikeameatballs Fri 03-May-13 21:47:40

If your baby was crying with hunger when you got back then YANBU.

If not then YABU.

detoxlatte Fri 03-May-13 21:48:43

Neither of you were BU.

Babies do this to you.

Best thing is to see the bright side: baby is fine, DH got a day with his child, you had a day off, baby's lunch for tomorrow is already cooked. Chill out with a glass of wine.

bonkersLFDT20 Fri 03-May-13 21:49:04

It really depends on how things usually run at home whether YABU or not.
Is he the sort who needs (and prefers) to be told what to do or does he resent it, in a sort of "she can't trust me to even look after our own son for a day" way?
Did he know how important it was to you to feed your DS what you had prepared?
Did you have his blessing to go out for the day (I'm not saying you're not entitled to that time, just trying to work out how he was feeling)?

It's a delicate balance when you're the one used to running things and then hand it over to someone who jolly well should be capable of doing it.

If he's not used to being with your DS all day w/o you then you do need to let him find his own way but I can see that you'd want to know everything was running smoothly while you were out so you could relax.

Did you not have any idea that he would be like this while you were out?

I've had to learn to let my DH find his own way, but there are some things that I don't compromise on because they make more work for me e.g. making sure DS's pull-ups are on properly at bed time (willy pointing down) cos it's me who will be sorting out soggy pjs and bedding at 3am.

Feckadeck Fri 03-May-13 21:49:40

Why should it matter if baby was crying with hunger or not? Even if baby was feeling okay and no obvious signs of hunger as had enough milk it doesn't mean OP's DH was in the right just to ignore mealtimes for the day because he couldn't be arsed

mrsjay Fri 03-May-13 21:50:10

detoxlatte has said the best thing on this thread move on and forget it give dh a lecture about not listening and enjoy his time at home

Presumably baby was only just eating anything four weeks ago. If he managed the milk and kept a baby alive he did pretty well.

I think you are taking out your frustrations about his working patterns, not this particular yogurt incident. You still got your "day off" and only your tantrum spoiled anything.

VinegarDrinker Fri 03-May-13 21:52:21

How on earth is giving a yoghurt instead of pasta and yoghurt "ignoring mealtimes"?

Isiolo Fri 03-May-13 21:52:39

YANBU at all. Its pretty common sense to know that a 8 month old needs feeding more than a fruit corner.

And I do think him not listening to you, whilst you are trying to impart information about your child is and issue

Apart from the food, did he do nice things with dc?

VinegarDrinker Fri 03-May-13 21:53:57

" Its pretty common sense to know that a 8 month old needs feeding more than a fruit corner."

Most BLW babies I knew were barely eating a yoghurt a day at that age. Food's for fun until they're 1 and all that ...

bonkersLFDT20 Fri 03-May-13 21:55:03

I'll tell you what pisses me off. It's when I get some time out to do something for myself and then I come home and get to do all the stuff I would have done if I'd been home (washing, washing up, tidying etc) because DH could only mind the baby and not doing anything else. Granted they have a wonderful time (and DS thinks Daddy is top banana 'cos all they do is play) but time off should mean you do something OTHER than the daily grind, not something else AS WELL as the daily grind...only later!

Baby led starved more like it?

Sirzy Fri 03-May-13 21:55:30

He didn't ignore mealtimes. He made his own choice as to what he wanted to feed his son.

Sometimes on threads like this it seems some believe Mums are the only ones who can make any decisions and if a Father dares to deviate at all then they are useless.

Isiolo Fri 03-May-13 21:55:36

we dont know if baby got milk...it sounds as not, from the OP

Feckadeck Fri 03-May-13 21:55:45

Yogurts aren't meals in themselves - they are snacks or post-meals. The DH is getting cut too much slack. The OP is the one that is alone for 4 weeks at a time and this is reason she had to leave instructions/meals for DH which is fair enough as he'd not to know how things change in 4 weeks as a lot will be different. OP to me tried to facilitate the DH having a day with baby by doing this and he just ignored it all.

finnbob Fri 03-May-13 21:56:18

Thanks everyone, mixed bag of replies really.

The baby did get all his bottles DH is not that bad. Ds has a great appetite and would soon have let him known if he was hungry.

All who said I need to chill are probably right!

I think that I build up him coming home so much that I get stressed over stupid things, especially in the first few days when we're getting used to each other again.

It is frustrating when DH doesn't seem to listen but I should be used to that by now!

And for the record, I wasn't really bothered that he had a fruit corner, it's not going to do him the slightest bit of harm, it was more the not listening and not giving him the food that I had bothered to make. Next time I think I'll just go and leave them to it!

MonkeyingAroundTown Fri 03-May-13 21:56:46

I would have been very annoyed too. It sounds like something my dp would do too. I probably would have reacted a tad calmer but I certainly would have let him know I wasn't impressed and that I was pissed off.

Its more the listening. My dp either doesn't listen to me or forgets what I have told him which infuriates me.

Its also a trust thing too as next time you leave him baby sitting you will be wondering if he is looking after your lo like you would.

Isiolo Fri 03-May-13 21:57:08

its not 'making his own decisions' sirzy. Its just damn lazy half-arsedness

Sirzy Fri 03-May-13 21:57:37

For an 8 month old a yoghurt is a fine 'meal'

DS weaned early and ate well but would have still been happy with a yoghurt at that age.

Feckadeck Fri 03-May-13 21:57:58

Sirzy normally fair enough Dad knows best as well but this dad is away for 4 weeks so hasn't see baby or what it needs in that time hence OP leaving instructions which normally hopefully wouldn't have been required as the DH should know what baby needs as well.

I think that would be good, OP. So long as there is something in the fridge/cupboard for him to cobble together a meal from, they'll be fine. Especially if as you say DS is vocal grin

Feckadeck Fri 03-May-13 22:00:41

Ah OP yes let it go but do talk to him about the ignoring discussions concerning your DS - that is worrying esp as things change fast and he is away for 4 weeks he should be open to listening to your thoughts etc when he is home then going his own way within that.

olgaga Fri 03-May-13 22:00:42

YADNBU.

I think this is really very hard for you, having to do it all and then he comes home after 4 weeks and doesn't listen to a word you've said about the baby's care.

I think it's difficult to "chill" in those circumstances so well done OP. wine

EverybodysStressyEyed Fri 03-May-13 22:02:02

i went out when ds was 2 and came back after 5 hours (mid afternoon). Asked DH what they had had for lunch -

startled look, oh, i forgot

clearly ds had too but on mention of the word he was dragging me to the kitchen!

Passmethecrisps Fri 03-May-13 22:03:12

I think everything has been said that needs it really but why not stick my ore in?

I really do get the frustration of OP. she spends weeks alone creating a finely honed routine for her and LO. She goes for a few hours and it feels like it has gone to shit.

I reckon OP knows that worse things happen at sea but she sort of expected that her DH would respect the way she keeps things running.

It's a respect issue. Not a yogurt issue

finnbob Fri 03-May-13 22:04:43

Thanks I will talk to him about it, I do think he doesn't realise how much things have changed it the 4 weeks so he does need to listen when I tell him how things are now.

Passmethecrisps Fri 03-May-13 22:05:19

Also! A month is such a long time in the life of a baby surely instructions would be necessary and expected?

I am giving my last wine to OP. I think she did well just flinging some Tupperware on the counter.

SanitaryOwl Fri 03-May-13 22:07:36

Jesus. Poor hubby.

quoteunquote Fri 03-May-13 22:09:53

Don't prepare any food in advance, leave a list of everything the baby eats(is allowed to eat) on the fridge, and leave them to it.

Feckadeck Fri 03-May-13 22:12:21

Poor OP more like! Seriously poor hubby my arse. He is away for 4 weeks ignores all advise about his DS from his wife who has been caring for him alone. It;s not normal circumstances where both parents are there most of the time and both are aware of the changing needs and requirements of the DS - the DH needs to listen to OP when he returns from working so he know what is going on at the new stage.

SanitaryOwl Fri 03-May-13 22:14:44

If my OH had thrown a tantrum like that, I'd have told them to fuck off. People make mistakes. The baby obviously wasn't starving, or the OP would have mentioned it. Where's the harm been done?

If the OH had come home and abused his wife like that, there'd be a stream of LTB's, frankly.

Jojobump1986 Fri 03-May-13 22:15:04

Surely it's as much about keeping the child's routine than anything?! Of course it's not going to harm the baby to have a day off from the usual routine but I suspect a lot of children would find it unsettling to be left with someone they've not seen for a month & not have the comfort of the usual food/routine.

My DH insists on checking with me about the bedtime routine if I go out for an evening... Despite the fact that he's not only at home in the evenings but he puts DS to bed every night. He'd probably make notes & set reminders on his phone if I left them alone for a whole day! DS's routine is never that organised when I'm in charge! confused

MrsOakenshield Fri 03-May-13 22:17:11

some rather extreme reactions here I think. OP, it's going to be hard for you both, getting used to each other, and I think doubly hard for him as so much will have changed with the baby while he's been away, and of course you and baby will seem to close and clued up to each other. He got it wrong once. Not the end of the world. It IS frustrating when food you've prepared is wasted, but again, not a biggie, really. I would suggest some jars might not go amiss at these times. Your DH is missing out on so much of his child's early life - after all, which would most of us prefer? Having to do it all for 4 weeks at a time - or not seeing your child AT ALL in that time. I know which I would prefer.

VinegarDrinker Fri 03-May-13 22:17:45

He didn't ignore all the advice. The kid got just yoghurt instead of yoghurt and pasta shock - all this melodrama is ridiculous. The routine is not "ruined" FGS.

VinegarDrinker Fri 03-May-13 22:18:31

Why was the food wasted? Pasta doesn't go off overnight.

sudaname Fri 03-May-13 22:23:34

The OP has said however that baby had all his bottles and obviously a full fruit corner and that he would certainly voice his hunger very loudly if he had been left hungry. Also l presume all was well on the nappy side of things or l am sure the OP would have thrown that in her rant that he was soaking wet/ stinking soiled nappy aswell.
So all we have here is a well cared for, adequately fed and milked content baby in his dads care.
So he didn't get the actual meals prepared by his mum. Big deal.

Pinkflipflop Fri 03-May-13 22:24:58

YANBU! Your dh sounds like a numpty! What kind of idiot can't feed the baby food that has been left prepared in advance?

I too would be furious; why does your dh get to be all 'let's have fun and relax the routine' while you get to be the boring, proper parent?

Poosnu Fri 03-May-13 22:32:01

I think the OP has had a bit of a hard time. Yes she perhaps overreacted, but I can completely understand in the circumstances.

Her DH goes away for long periods of time and so does need to be told what baby is currently needing in terms of food, sleep etc. Things change so quickly at that age. It's not the sort of thing that he would instinctively know. The OP gave instructions and left out good wholesome food which he ignored.

OP perhaps doesn't get out often by herself so it felt like a huge deal, and perhaps difficult to let go of baby. She was probably stressed on returning home because of this, so it wouldn't have taken much to make her fly off the handle.

Having a fruit corner doesn't really matter in the grand scheme of things, but I don't think that's why OP is upset - it's because her DH wanders back in after a month's absence and ignores her instructions.

Yes of course DH needs to find his own way with baby, but for this to happen he needs to spend a lot of time with baby and get to know him. At the start he will need guidance from the primary carer.

shallweshop Fri 03-May-13 22:36:43

I can understand totally and don't think you are being unreasonable - these are the tentative early days of weaning and establishing a routine and these things are important to you. I would have felt the same and reacted the same. However, now my kids are older, I can reassure that letting your DH do it his way sometimes is good for you and your baby - you just need to learn how to switch off.

mrsjay Fri 03-May-13 22:42:54

I dont think she is being unreasoanble about her husband being lazy I do think she is being OTT about the throwing pots about and having a hissy fit,

Littlehousesomewhere Fri 03-May-13 22:46:45

I am a sahm (not through choice as I lost my job) and I do long days with no family or friends around so when dh does have time off work I disappear and leave him completely to it....... I find telling h

Littlehousesomewhere Fri 03-May-13 22:49:20

Him instructions on what to do a waste of my child free time an I trust his common sense. So far all has been fine, dc have food, sleep and playtime so I am happy with that.

Thank your dh for not using your pre prepared meal..... Saves you making lunch tomorrow!!

Startail Fri 03-May-13 22:53:47

YANBU
you can explain child care to DHs, but they do not listen

I have long ago learnt to write notes and to trust that DH and my older DDs will muddle their way through even when they don't read them.

I once wrote a very detailed note as DDs were/weren't going to be in the bus and doing all sorts of things. Then DD2 was ill and didn't go to school. I was 100 miles away, they sorted it out just fine.

Honestly DP/DHs are perfectly able to look after children they just don't do it our way.

BlackeyedSusan Fri 03-May-13 23:23:59

I can see why you are cross. at that age, not enough food in the day= not enough sleep at night... and guess which muggins gets up to feed.

he should have followed baby's new routine. it will be different every four weeks for a while.

what did you give baby for breakfast? were you home on time for his dinner?

greenformica Fri 03-May-13 23:48:41

I think you need to put the things that definitely need to be done in writing. In list form. But don't go over the top, keep it short and simple.

Zhx3 Sat 04-May-13 00:10:54

wine for you, OP.

I can imagine you're tired and worn down after 4 weeks with a wakeful baby every night. Is this your only dc? I constantly worried about doing things wrong with my first. Then probably the build-up and anticipation of your dh returning.

Your dh might not listen to you, but it doesn't necessarily mean he's doing it wrong, just differently. If he doesn't listen, and won't listen, then I would leave him to his own devices and turn a blind eye - he can sort out milk, food, nappies and sleep by himself. That is, of course, provided you trust his parenting.

Morloth Sat 04-May-13 02:14:06

I think you need to unclench.

If the baby wasn't hungry then why would you need to give him food?

If the baby was crying with hunger then that would be different.

edwardsmum11 Sat 04-May-13 05:40:02

Yabu and hormonal.

BenjaminButton172 Sat 04-May-13 07:05:03

Have u thought about seeing a doctor OP? Because when i had post natal depression i would fly off the handle at little things & make them seem like they were massive issues.

pippitysqueakity Sat 04-May-13 07:23:20

OP has been back and agreed she overreacted and explained her reasons.

Bit pointless now to tell her she wbu.

It almost looks as though you haven't read the whole thread...

spiritedaway Sat 04-May-13 07:44:52

I imagine you feel guilty and upset for leaving your baby and her not having the care you would have given to her. Don't. If you're going to make a point of leaving for the day then leave the responsibility too. The baby is fine. No harm done. I tight YABU and reacted because you possibly find it stressful being away from your baby and need to do it more!

spiritedaway Sat 04-May-13 07:46:00

Oops. . Have read whole thread. Sorry op. I cut to the chase as mine just woke up.

spiritedaway Sat 04-May-13 07:46:49

I meant haven't read whole thread! Have a good day OP x

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