leave my 16 week old DD

(65 Posts)
claremp7 Fri 03-May-13 07:51:58

Me and my partner are due to go to a wedding in a few weeks and DD will be 16 weeks old.
I'm breast feeding her so that's obviously one hurdle. I know I can express but have very painful nipples and find it hard. I could do it, maybe I'm using this as an excuse.
The wedding half way across the country away and its a no children wedding. We're only invited to the evening.
My parents who live 350 miles away are coming down to see us for a week and also to babysit. They're really looking forward to it.
I'm sorry for the rambling but I really don't want to leave her and go to the wedding. AIBU to not want to go?

TwinkleTits Fri 03-May-13 07:53:13

I wouldnt go. I dont think YABU at all.

barnet Fri 03-May-13 07:53:57

If you don't want to go, don't go!

SwishSwoshSwoosh Fri 03-May-13 07:54:22

YAB entirely reasonable, many many parents don't want to leave their babies. She is the no.1 priority in your world just now, that is just fine.

Just say no if you don't want to go.

twooter Fri 03-May-13 07:54:30

No YANBU. Whose wedding is it? Obviously you're not that close if its just an evening do.

Bluemonkeyspots Fri 03-May-13 07:56:28

I wouldn't, took me 2 years to leave my first.

Just had my fourth 4 weeks ago and has 2 meals at the pub next door so I'm getting better wink

You will prob get people saying you are being silly, what could happen and be grateful you have a babysitter but who cares. It's your baby and you don't have to explain yourself if you feel it's too soon

soundevenfruity Fri 03-May-13 07:59:06

I would be very reluctant to leave a baby for 2(?) days at this age but then it's me and there are a lot of mums here that successfully negotiated this. It's just a matter of preferences. I would say though that at 16 weeks breastfeeding should've settled, i.e. not painful. Are there any breastfeeding clinics or support groups in your area?

NoTeaForMe Fri 03-May-13 08:00:19

I wouldn't even consider leaving her overnight. Lots of childcare weddings allow babes in arms, does this one not?

ChasedByBees Fri 03-May-13 08:01:37

I wouldn't have left my DD at that age and certainly not for an evening invite. Perhaps your parents could still come down but you c

JollyPurpleGiant Fri 03-May-13 08:02:25

16 weeks is very little. I wouldn't go.

ChasedByBees Fri 03-May-13 08:02:44

Argh - pressed send too soon

Perhaps you could go to a local restaurant for a meal out with your partner while they babysit?

Figgygal Fri 03-May-13 08:04:41

I wouldnt go that far for an evening do even without taking into account the lo have more time with your parents and maybe go out one evening for a meal just with DH.

noblegiraffe Fri 03-May-13 08:05:04

I've got a 14 week old and wouldn't go. DD needs me in the evenings. My DH could go if he wanted.

Your parents can still visit.

aufaniae Fri 03-May-13 08:06:57

I couldn't have done it. I managed 4 hours away from DS (for a gig I'd booked while pregnant) when he was 5 months and that was hard!

Can you ask if they'll make an exception as so little?

DeskPlanner Fri 03-May-13 08:06:58

Please don't leave your bf lo at only 16 weeks. She will miss you and you will miss her. It's really not worth it. Have you checked that babes in arms aren't allowed ? Even the worst Bridezilla usually allows them. But if you really can't take her, don't go.

I wouldn't go, but if you were happy about it then I wouldn't judge you for doing so. I left my 4 DCs for one night when the youngest was 11 months, I only went up the road to a b&b (about 4 miles away) and still ended up going home at 11 o'clock (on the way home from the restaurant) to check on them before being happy they were ok. Now I can't wait to get out! grin You do whatever makes you comfortable and don't feel guilty about it.

BOF Fri 03-May-13 08:08:33

I wouldn't go either, but I'm an unsociable sod.

DeskPlanner Fri 03-May-13 08:09:00

As an aside, I wouldn't travel half way to the other side of the country, for an evening do.16 week Lo or not.

miffybun73 Fri 03-May-13 08:13:00

YANBU at all, I didn't leave mine overnight until they were about 14 months.

If you feel it's too soon then it is too soon and I'm sure that 90% of parents would feel the same way

claremp7 Fri 03-May-13 08:21:04

Well SIL and MIL think I should leave her and I should note they've also said I should make her go four hours between feeds, put teddy bears in her cot on a night time, start her on solids and put riceccereal in her milk! So I think you can tell what my opinion of them is.
My parents will come down anyway as they want to see her unlike the MIL who lives five minutes away.
The wedding is a colleague of my partner so not really a friend of mine. I've asked him to ask them about taking her so hopefully they'll say yes.
I don't want to go as I really wouldn't enjoy it. It's too far away and she's too young.
Thank you for your replies

emmyloo2 Fri 03-May-13 08:27:48

YANBU. I wouldn't leave my 16 week old either. We haven't left our 2.5 year old overnight yet. Mainly because I would feel bad if he woke up in the middle of the night and my Mum had to deal with him. I have left him with my husband for work trips for 1-2 weeks but he has never been left with anyone else, even for 1 night.

So I definitely would not be going. Of course, if you wanted to, then by all means, but certainly don't feel bad for not going.

raisah Fri 03-May-13 09:04:15

I wouldnt go to a wedding where my baby wasnt allowed and I was only invited for the evening do half way across the country. Too much hassle for too little gain imo. Enjoy your baby as they grow up v quickly and weddings come and go.

MortifiedAdams Fri 03-May-13 09:06:12

If it.was a whole day thing then id go - but not all that way and hassle for a night time.

Couldnt DH just go?

CherylTrole Fri 03-May-13 09:10:13

OP just do what YOU want to do. Go with your own instincts and be happy with your choice.

SkinnybitchWannabe Fri 03-May-13 09:10:22

I wouldn't go even if they do say yes to you taking your baby.
I'd much rather spend that time with my parents.
If you decide not to go maybe your parents could babysit so you and your oh could go out for a meal instead?

Pobblewhohasnotoes Fri 03-May-13 09:11:44

It's entirely up to you.

I left my 17 week old for the day to attend a wedding. However my Mum was babysitting and we were only up the road so could nip back anytime. I couldn't have left him overnight, intact I still haven't at 15 months.

It's only an evening do and a long way to travel. If you don't want to go then don't, it doesn't matter.

WutheringTights Fri 03-May-13 09:13:18

I left mine for 2/3 hours a couple of evenings a week from about 12 weeks and that was hard enough! I wouldn't have gone for 2 days and certainly not for an evening-only wedding invitation. The bride and groom will understand - if you have a child free wedding then you have to accept that some people won't be able to go.

kelda Fri 03-May-13 09:13:24

I wouldn't even consider it. You're not even invited to the whole day.

Ignore your sil and mil. And enjoy the time with your own parents.

HunterWellies Fri 03-May-13 09:14:41

I'd just send dh, if that. We took (breastfed) 5 month old ds2 to a (child friendly) wedding recently and left ds1 with his Granny. I tried to work out how we could have a child-free day and the logistics were so bloody complicated it just wasn't worth it... So he came. If he has not been welcome I don't see how I could have managed it and the wedding was only an hour away!

HunterWellies Fri 03-May-13 09:15:15

*had

MoominsYonisAreScary Fri 03-May-13 09:18:01

Totally up to you, if you don't want to leave the baby then don't. Ignore your mil and sil.

IneedAsockamnesty Fri 03-May-13 09:26:40

I wouldn't go nor would I want to.

Yanbu.

claremp7 Fri 03-May-13 09:41:04

Thank you everyone. I don't want to go. I won't enjoy it and to be honest OH doesn't want to leave her either. I think I've probably answered my own question.
I'm not going!
I'll spend time with my parents and if OH doesn't go then maybe we'll go out for a meal.
I just get so annoyed by the in law's putting pressure on.

DeskPlanner Fri 03-May-13 09:44:15

So glad you've made this decision. Think you will be a lot happier.

ilovepicnmix Fri 03-May-13 09:44:41

I went to a wedding when my baby was about 12 weeks old. It was a no children thing but babes in arms were invited. I just wouldnt have gone if I'd had to leave him behind. Sounds like you'll have a miserable time if you do go to be fair. I had a night away at 4 months, and left baby with his dad. My boobs were sore despite expressing as just couldn't get enough out!

ilovepicnmix Fri 03-May-13 09:45:27

Well done for being decisive.

DeepRedBetty Fri 03-May-13 09:46:40

Was about to pile in with a 'don't even go' too! Well done OP.

Mumsyblouse Fri 03-May-13 09:49:33

I think you have made the right decision, it's hard to imagine just how awful your boobs will go after a few hours without breastfeeding and I never found expressing really resolved it- they go hard and you leak all the time, not easy to feel glamorous and really relax when you are dripping and smelling a bit milky! But the good news is that once your baby moves onto solid food (still breastfeeding), this eases up and you can go out much more easily (obviously you could cope with all of the above if you were highly motivated to attend, but it sounds like you are happy with your decision).

kelda Fri 03-May-13 09:50:55

OP I'm guessing that you live close to your inlaws?

If so, I think it is incredibly thoughtloss of them to pressurize you to have a weekend away not only from your tiny baby, but also from your parents who will have travelled quite a distance to visit YOU as well as their new grandchild.

Shellywelly1973 Fri 03-May-13 09:51:14

Glad you have make a decision you feel happy with.

That's the main issue. Dd is your baby. Not your in laws baby or anyone else's baby just yours & your dh baby.

I would go to the wedding if i wanted to. The advice given about Dd missing you is ridiculous!! Its about you not the baby. The baby would be fine.

claremp7 Fri 03-May-13 10:13:56

SIL said I was silly because she left her DD at seven weeks to go on a night out. My in laws do live close but don't want to see her. I'm lucky because OH is very supportive and said its their problem if they don't see our beautiful DD. He dotes on his little girl so he's quite happy to spend time just us. He will ask if she can go and my parents will come down the week after so we still spend lots of time with them.
On another note just found out MIL is travelling to my home town this weekend to see some of her relatives and she knows I have to take my DD across the country via the underground to visit my parents the week after. No offer of a lift from her no offer even of taking any luggage up to help me out!
How lovely are some people.

HaveTeaWillSurvive Fri 03-May-13 10:35:32

I'm really glad you've decided not to go, and angry at your in laws.

What I was going to chip in with was at that age you can never be sure if a growth spurt or sleep regression might hit so a) who knows how much milk you need to leave and b) your baby might need a mum cuddle.

I'm still only really comfortable being within about 60 mins driving distance from DS and no where near being able to leave him overnight and he's 9 months now.

I wouldn't leave a 16 week old, that's tiny! Particularly if bfing.

SundaysGirl Fri 03-May-13 11:16:37

No I wouldn't have left my son for this sort of thing at 16 weeks either. glad you have made a decision you are happy with. smile

diddl Fri 03-May-13 11:18:57

Glad you're not going.

I wouldn't go so far for an evening only, & definitely wouldn't have contemplated trying to express for it either!

Couple of hrs at a nearby place would have been it for me at that stage tbh!

Autumn12 Fri 03-May-13 11:35:45

I would not go to an evening do that was far away just for a work colleague, especially not if it meant leaving a young baby. I would decline.

BegoniaBampot Fri 03-May-13 11:45:45

I went overnight to a wedding when my little one was 4 months old and was looked after by my sisiter so leaving a baby that young is up to you and how you feel. i wouldn't go that far for an evening invite though (do they think they are royalty or something), especially if they say child free knowing you have to travel and have a breast fed baby.

LastTangoInDevonshire Fri 03-May-13 12:00:38

I had to leave my 4 month old for 2 days. Didn't kill me, or him, nor give him anxieties that lasted throughout his childhood. I quite enjoyed it, actually.

TarkaTheOtter Fri 03-May-13 12:09:37

The fact that they know you have a 16week old yet gave you an evening only invite to a child-free wedding the other side of the country suggests to me that they won't be bothered if you come or not. Sounds like a courtesy invite to me.
Get your parents to babysit when you are ready and have a nice night out instead.

midori1999 Fri 03-May-13 12:22:15

Good for you OP for deciding to do what you are comfortable with and not what others think you should do.

I left DC2 for a few hours while I went out nearby on New Years Eve, he was two weeks old. I did it because I was comfortable doing so, I wouldn't have left him overnight though. DC6 I didn't leave with anyone except her dad until she was 7 months old and wouldn't leave her overnight now and she is nearly two. Again, because that's what I was comfortable with.

Everyone has to do what's best for them.

right decision not to go - Tarka makes good points.

I did go to a wedding when DS was about 7 weeks old. It was near a very good family friend and she looked after DS from about 3pm to midnight - we were staying with her. it was great and I enjoyed it - but my boobs exploded everywhere. Not a cool look! When he was 3 months we had another wedding near my Dad's house (great friends we have!) And so Dad took DS after the day section and we had the night out. The boobs were much better behaved on that occasion. grin

JenaiMorris Fri 03-May-13 12:27:57

I wouldn't have gone.

I wouldn't be remotely hmm at someone else doing it, but there's no way I could have expressed sufficient milk and ds rarely took bottles (and not for want of trying - it was a right PITA).

noblegiraffe Fri 03-May-13 13:12:33

Did SIL formula feed? That might explain the 4 hours between feeds thing, and the suggestion that you can just trot off for the evening without a second thought.

MyNameIsAnAnagram Fri 03-May-13 13:19:01

I wouldn't got that far just for an evening do even without the baby issue!

Yanbu at all, before ds was born I was planning to leave him for a weekend at 6m to go to a wedding, but couldn't in the end.

maddening Fri 03-May-13 13:50:10

Could your dps come with you so you can have dc with you and keep up the bfing and just leave dc essentially for a few hours?

You could get a 2 bed holiday cottage and stay with your dps? Built in babysitting and you don't have to be away from dc for so long?

claremp7 Fri 03-May-13 14:32:19

Hi and thank you again everyone. DP spoke to colleague and DD is invited and always has been. We just got the wrong end of the stick! Now what do I wear?

diddl Fri 03-May-13 14:36:40

"Now what do I wear?"

Something bfeeding friendly??

Illustrationaddict Fri 03-May-13 14:44:09

Totally up to you, but if it was a good friend I would go. Think its healthy to have a little time together as a couple, remember what it was like pre baby, especially if you have 2 very dependable and willing babysitters. It would just be nice for you to have a proper sleep if nothing else, refreshes and makes for a happy mummy smile

WoTmania Fri 03-May-13 14:56:50

YANBU glad it'sall been resolved. You can get some quite nice nursing dresses these aren't particularly eveningy iyswim but for the general idea

SirBoobAlot Fri 03-May-13 14:59:34

No way would I leave such a small baby for that long, especially if breastfeeding.

You can go to a wedding any time, the early days with your little one only come once.

SirBoobAlot Fri 03-May-13 15:00:46

Oh sorry didn't see there was more than one page to this. Idiot.

Glad you don't need to stress about leaving her smile

You can get some beautiful breastfeeding dresses online.

DoingTheSwanThing Fri 03-May-13 15:11:41

If they allowed you to take her along and you wanted to go, get a sling and some ear defenders and she'll be absolutely fine, probably sleep through it! Did a whole day wedding with 5mo twins not so long ago, they loved the evening and danced away in slings (not that they could hear much smile)

megsmouse Fri 03-May-13 15:17:36

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Secondsop Fri 03-May-13 15:46:48

What to wear - what about a wrap dress, with a pretty scarf that you can use as a breast feeding cover? That's what I wore constantly when I was breast feeding my baby. Have a lovely time!

DeskPlanner Sun 05-May-13 07:41:59

Just caught up with this thread. Glad It's been resolved. Have fun. smile

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