to be angry/jealous/heart broken at every pregnant woman I see? Even on the TV!

(71 Posts)
icklemssunshine1 Fri 03-May-13 07:38:36

First time posting in AIBU so go easy on me.

Bit of background so no drip-feeding. Had MMC at 12 weeks in Feb, thought I had done by grieving & we had started to consider TTC again. Early April whilst on holiday I ended up in A&E (3 times!) with excruciating back pain. I since have learned I have 2 bulging discs & have to have 4 typed of meds 4 times a day to do the simplest of things. I've seen a consultant & am waiting for injections that may or may not work before surgery is considered. Anyway back to the point. I so want a baby my heart aches. Since our MC 4 people I know in RL have announced pregnancies & yesterday when I ventured out for the first time in weeks I seemed to be confronted with mass pregnant bellies. I can not consider TTC until this is all over & by then I maybe biologically too old.

AIBU to want to hide away forever so I never have to ever see a pregnant woman again - that includes destroying the TV sad

Tee2072 Fri 03-May-13 07:43:35

You are never unreasonable to have feelings.

But you might want to consider talking to your GP about some therapy or other help as, unfortunately, there are pregnant women everywhere all the time.

Triumphoveradversity Fri 03-May-13 07:46:40

I felt exactly the same after a pg loss and couldn't even walk down the nappy aisle in Tesco. I also had five friends get pg over the following year who thought nothing of sending me scan pictures to my work email address. Actually one was very sensitive to me and for that I was grateful.

Is it a cortisone injection you may be having? I was going to have one but physio sorted my problem out, it was a different back condition to yours though.

The sadness stayed with me but the pain lessened. I can walk past pampers without blubbing now.

flowers

icklemssunshine1 Fri 03-May-13 07:49:25

Thank you for a quick reply! My BF told me that those pregnant bellies had always been there but it's only now I'm aware of it. I have considered seeing my GP but no-one in RL (including DH) talks of the MC anymore, it's almost as if it done & forgotten now & I should concentrate on my current problem not "something that happened" months ago.

Have now seen another pregnancy announcement in FB. Include FB on the things I want to destroy.

icklemssunshine1 Fri 03-May-13 07:54:06

Thanks for sharing Triumph, in a weird way it makes me feel better I'm not alone - or at least not crazy!

I think it is a cortisone injection - they called it a steroid injection, is that the same thing? Physio is out as I knew about the 1 bulging disc last year & had physio for 5 months but there was no improvement. My 2nd disc had bulged so much into the spinal canal it's blocking off the sciatic nerve which causes me a great deal of pain & I now have a numb leg & toes. Physio would take ages to correct it!

qazxc Fri 03-May-13 07:55:56

You are def not BU. I feel the same. everybody around me is either pg or has a baby. New announcements are almost weekly and every time it feels somebody has ripped my chest out but all i can do is smile and offer congratulations.
Talk to your DH, if your situation is like mine, he prob is suffering too but doesn't want to bring it up in case it hurts you/makes things worse.
Don't put pressure on yourself there isn't a time frame to "get over it" and feb was only a couple of months ago, it's still very raw.
Take care of yourself.

SwishSwoshSwoosh Fri 03-May-13 07:59:27

I think it all sounds very understandable.

If I were in that place I would shut down FB for a bit, watch silly stuff on DVD I could control and allow myself to really feel the sad feelings for a little. Then, in a month, I would see if the was any improvement in how I was feeling about other people's pregnancies etc. If not, I would seek counselling, if there is an improvement, maybe you just needed a little time.

Sending you all best wishes.

Tee2072 Fri 03-May-13 08:00:14

Yes, I would also try speaking to your husband. Just because he's done talking about doesn't mean you have to be too.

If he refuses to talk about it, again, see your GP. They really can help.

SwishSwoshSwoosh Fri 03-May-13 08:01:04

I am really sorry, I misread how recently your mc was, in that case even more understandable you are still feeling so raw. So give yourself even more time.

tasmaniandevilchaser Fri 03-May-13 08:10:10

Yanbu, it's v understandable. I was the same, my heart was broken and it seemed like there were bumps everywhere. It takes time but it will get better. I had counselling which helped. It's still early days for you, be kind to yourself and focus on getting well again.

icklemssunshine1 Fri 03-May-13 08:20:06

All your kind words have made me cry! Thank you. I really did think I was over it but I think I was just masking the grief with the desire to TTC & now that's been taken away I'm back to the grief again. I need to see my GP next week regarding extending my sick note for my discs so I think I'll mention a counselling referral to. Thank you all again for letting me vent.

Forgetfulmog Fri 03-May-13 08:26:07

Gosh YANBU at all. I MCd at 6 weeks (so not as bad as yours) 2 years ago & just felt devastated at seeing any pregnant women or baby stuff. 9 months later, a member of my family announced her pregnancy & I had to leave the room as I was crying.

When you mc, you essentially lose your child so it does take a long time to grieve. I don't think you will ever forget your loss, but time is a great healer.

I sympathise with your back as well - I have a long history of disc problems & had to have an op a couple of years ago, around the same time that I MCd actually. I now have a 7 mo so rest assured that disc problems do not stop you having children!

Good luck with the injections, I know how hellish the pain is with disc bulges thanks

musicposy Fri 03-May-13 08:26:25

It's really hard flowers. So sorry for your loss.
We were TTC for 8 years after DD2. In that time everyone we knew seemed to have children. Then we went for IVF, I fell pregnant with twins which was a dream come true, lost one at 7 weeks and the other at 11 weeks. It was utterly devastating and worse, people thought it didn't matter much as we already had DCs.

Until the time of what would have been the birth it seemed like there were pregnant people everywhere. I could barely face the world or many friends. It was very, very tough.
3 years on and I've had to accept it isn't going to happen now (am mid 40s). I still have a big sadness over it if I think about it too much. But the terrible pain does lessen and I can now cope with pregnant women with only a slight pang. We got a puppy as I was so low - who is now a grown dog and she is definitely a silver lining.
Hold on in there. It will improve, I promise. It might take a little while, but it does get better, and you may yet get a good outcome in the future smile

DorothyMantooth Fri 03-May-13 09:54:51

YANBU at all. It's devastating to lose a baby, no matter how small, and even more devastating when you have to see pregnant women and babies everywhere. It's true that you're noticing them more because it's so much on your mind, but that doesn't help how you feel about it.

I had a MMC at 10 weeks last January. I had an ERPC and tried to get on with my life, including TTC again. In March I had a few serious bleeds and went to A+E as I thought I might be MC again. It turned out that the ERPC had not been fully successful and I had a collapse, emergency surgery, a blood transfusion and a 2-night stay in hospital. We hadn't told many people about the PG so I felt like I couldn't talk to anyone about the MC, except a couple of good friends. Those that had had children were really supportive but one who had not, whilst intially being very sympathetic, soon got bored of the fact that I didn't go back to my old self within a couple of months.

Not long after the 2nd ERPC, my stepsister announced that she was pregnant. My stepmother let me know in a really sensitive way but I was still devastated. I pretended to be ok on the phone as I didn't want her to feel bad about her PG, but once I hung up I started hyperventilating and had to sit down on the floor in the supermarket.

Plenty of people will think that you should get over it quickly as it wasn't a 'real' baby but they don't realise that you are mourning the life that you had dreamed of and had started planning as well as the baby. Some people told me "don't worry, MC is really common", and my MIL even said that she had probably had loads of MCs but she'd never made a fuss about it (she was basically saying that every late period is a MC). None of this was helpful.

You won't forget about this experience but time will make it bearable. Ignore anyone who implies that you should be over it already. You don't need to be made to feel bad about it and you definitely don't need to get into any arguments about your feelings. Previous posters are right - your DH is probably suffering too. My DH is really supportive but his approach to dealing with painful things is not to dwell on it, so he didn't want to talk about it much after the first week. Maybe try to find someone else who you can confide in - a good friend, or GP as has been suggested.

I also wanted to give you hope - I know you have to wait before TTC again, but you have conceived once and I'm sure you will again (I now have a 6 wk old DD).

Sending you big virtual hugs and wishing you all the best for your back treatment and TTC. It will get better.

icklemssunshine1 Fri 03-May-13 10:06:31

Thank you everyone - I'm overwhelmed by the kindness. Dorothy thank you for your long & frank post. Your experience of the phone call has really hit home. Every time a pregnancy is announced I put on a brave face & I have a friend expecting twins 10 days after what should have been my EDD. She is now 19 weeks & I keep thinking 'that should be me'. It's getting harder & harder to see her & I feel awful for saying that out loud. I wish I could be a better friend. I take heart in the fact that so many other women have gone onto have children & that keeps me going. I bet you treasure each & every day with your gorgeous DD smile

Meerkatwhiskers Fri 03-May-13 10:26:38

That's a feeling I know all too well. We have been ttc for nearly 9 years now and I've had 4 mcs. I'm hyperaware of bumps and newborns too and friends of mine have had 2 kids in the time we've been trying. One is about to turn 7 shock.

Hope your back is better soon. The injection is usually a local anaesthetic and cortisone is a steroid which they sometimes add in with the anaesthetic (but not always depends on the consultant at the time and what he sees on the xrays). I'm a student nurse and had a day surgery placement so spent time in the pain surgery seeing the injections being done.

Shellywelly1973 Fri 03-May-13 10:31:29

You gave me lovely advice & support on the miscarriage/pregnancy loss section. I had a mmc at 12 weeks, within days of you.

The good weather has exposed all the beautiful bumps...Its so emotionally painful. I should be 21 weeks now. One of my close friends is due today. Don't get me wrong, Im so happy for her but i wish it were me.

My relationship has broken down. It wasn't great before the miscarriage but its deteriorated to nothing now. We are in the process of separating. Im 40 in a few months. Its very unlikely i will have another child.

No one wants to talk about it. My mother & sister were horrified when i told them i had a miscarriage but not because i had a miscarriage, because i had been pregnant. I have very little to do with either of them now. No one apart from my best friend & ex knew i was pregnant.

I appreciate how you feel. I've no advice. If i find a way of easing the pain, i will let you know.

Take care. Im thinking of you.

badguider Fri 03-May-13 10:36:44

You are NOT going to go from young enough to "too old" to concieve in the space of a year or so - it's no time at all. And I honestly don't think there's any way your back will take more than a year to get out of the current crisis and into a more longterm 'management' plan. Obviously you might know differently about the treatment for your back but seriously, fertility drops very gradually... there are moments when we talk about how 'much harder' it is to conceive but these are statistical based on the whole population and not applicable to any single individual. You dont' say how old you are but if you were pregnant earlier this year then you WILL be young enough to conceive againin the next year.

SundaysGirl Fri 03-May-13 11:13:35

Also sending you [flowers[

Just remember you are healing from your loss on your timetable, not anyone elses. Ignore anyone who says / makes you feel you should be doing anything at their pace.

SundaysGirl Fri 03-May-13 11:13:58

oh flowers

ooops! x

maddening Fri 03-May-13 11:23:26

yanbu - after mc I felt there were pg people everywhere suddenly - you become hyper aware and there is no time limit on grief.

Just be gentle on yourself - it's ok to feel like this and totally natural.

it's tough - but take the time now (since you have to wait to TTC) to prepare your body - feel that you are doing something positive might help. TTC and pg after a loss are tough so getting physically and mentally ready can be a good thing.

flowers sorry for your loss x

EuroShaggleton Fri 03-May-13 11:26:47

I'm sorry for what has happened to you, OP.

I mc'd in March. I largely "got over it" quite quickly, but my stomach still lurches when I see a lovely preggo bump. The feeling that it should have been me is really difficult to shake.

icklemssunshine1 Fri 03-May-13 11:32:33

It's so saddening to hear of everyone's losses & even more saddening how we feel we can't talk about them IRL. Meerkat thank you for your practical insight. I have been told I'll have 2 steroid injections - 1 in my spine & the other in the nerve that is being compressed. If there is no improvement after a 2nd course then they'll discuss surgery to shave the part of the disc that is bulging. I wish they could do that immediately although I know they say there's a chance the nerve may be cut during the process. It just seems like I'll be waiting forever (melodramatic I know!) & the desire for a baby just gets stronger each day.

To those of you who have commented on my age thank you. Again I'm being melodramatic, I know logically stats infertility are generalisations. I'm nearly 35 & can't shake the stat I read that chances of miscarriage rise after 35 although I know logically as soon as I hit 35 I won't suddenly be in trouble!

Shelly, good to hear from you again. As I've been in & out of hospital I've been away from MN for a bit. I really should go back on the miscarriage board for some support although today's posters have made me feel better than when I awoke this morning! I'm really sorry to hear about your relationship. Is there really no future? Is counselling an option? This worked for my friend & her DH. She also has relationship counselling on her own to add a different perspective.

Thanks again to everyone for the support - I'm touched.

Meerkatwhiskers Fri 03-May-13 11:46:40

Blooming heck I'm 36 so I'm fucked too then lol. You have years left hun don't worry. My last mc was about 4 years ago so haven't even got pg since early 30s. I need fertility treatment though as have autoimmune issues (and been right royally messed about by pct last couple of years).

Just get your back sorted first as you need to be healthy first to carry a pregnancy to term then you will be fine. You got pg before and stories like mine are luckily the minority.

Meerkatwhiskers Fri 03-May-13 11:47:28

Ps don't read any more stats!!!!!

icklemssunshine1 Fri 03-May-13 11:58:36

My DH & BF are always shouting at me to stop consulting Dr Google when I have a health related worry! Very good advice Meerkat smile

icklemssunshine1 Fri 03-May-13 11:59:55

& I wish you the best of luck with your fertility issues & hope the future holds happiness for both of us (& everyone who has posted today).

LifeofPo Fri 03-May-13 12:01:55

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DorothyMantooth Fri 03-May-13 12:07:49

No problem OP - when it happened I thought a lot about posting on here, but never did. I was worried that I would dwell on it more if I wrote it down, but I think you can get a lot of support on these boards and in hindsight I probably should have. Glad that my experience can give you hope.

From your previous posts I had assumed you were in your 40s, but since you're only 35 I have another story for you - I always felt bad around PG women and never wanted to mention my MMC around them in case it either made them feel guilty or worried that it might happen to them. However I met a lovely girl in my NCT class and for some reason I opened up to her about my MMC. It turned out that she had had 2 MMCs last year as well as lots of other personal crises. She now has a 5 week old DS at the age of 36 smile.

Livinglavidafoca Fri 03-May-13 12:09:31

I am really sorry you feel that way, I am afraid only time will help you. YANBU to have feeling, can you speak to someone close and understanding about how you feel?

I am very sorry for your loss.

All the best flowers

Livinglavidafoca Fri 03-May-13 12:10:17

feelings

Blending Fri 03-May-13 12:11:21

Another here who completely understands what you are feeling.

It took 6 years to have DD (who is now 2yo) including a couple of rounds of IVF, we had a miscarraige at the very start and I was overwhelmed. I hated how other peoples bumps and babies made me feel. It wasn't that I didn't want them to have them but it should have been me, I felt rage, injustice and jealousy. I had to leave work early when my sister called me to gently break the news that my best friend was pregnant with her second, as we were pregnant together the first time. I was heartbroken. I couldn't even go in baby departments without crying. Stupid things would set me off.

We wanted to try for a sibling.

I had a second MMC at 10 weeks Febuary last year, followed by a ERPC, and as much as I took comfort in DD I hated feeling that it was so easy for others (Ex-SIL 4 children none planned for example) and that it was so unfair. Devastated is not the word. Again the world became full of new borns and bumps EVERYWHERE. A mother who had her first at the same time as me shoved a scan picture under my nose and said "Surprise!" and wondered why I started to cry as surely it was 6 months on from my MMC I would be over it (And then she went on to tell me it wasn't planned the pregnancy and she wasn't sure if they could cope!)

As for age, I am 40 in October and now pregnant with IVF twins!

Its normal to feel this way. We expect life to be fair, and spend so much of it trying not to get pregnant, that when we cant it feels cruel and and crushing.

MoominsYonisAreScary Fri 03-May-13 12:13:50

I've had 3 mc, the last one was a little boy born at 20 weeks. It does feel like pg people are everywhere and after a few weeks people think you should be over it and noone wants to talk about it anymore.

i think sometimes it's just that they don't know what to say and other times it's that people just don't understand how you feel and think you should move on.

It wasn't until what should have been the due date after the last mc that I started to accept it really, and of course there were the people on fb who had babies at the same time, it still 20 months on from my last mc hurts sometimes when I go on fb and see pictures of the babies growing up.

Big hugs from me x

MrsOakenshield Fri 03-May-13 12:14:35

YANBU. I have had 7 MCs, 5 before and 2 after DD. Years of feeling sad reading and hearing about others happy news. Even with DD, who is such a blessing, it still hurts hearing about all our friends who are having number 2, planning number 3, knowing (realistically, now I'm 41) that we will never have another, which is not the family we had hoped for.

I found I got much more upset the more distant I was from the other person - so if a very close friend was PG I could genuinely feel pleased for them, but if it was someone, say, at work, I found that very distressing indeed.

Do speak to your DH about it, as others have said he may be struggling himself. You have each other and that is so important right now.

Your feelings are very understandable. If you're nearly 35 then there's every chance you've still got a decade of baby bearing years ahead of you though. Don't lose heart.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Latara Fri 03-May-13 12:20:50

Sad to hear about all of you who've had miscarriages. One of my best mates had an MC and she was heartbroken, now she's going through IVF.

I'm 36, nearly 37 and worried that i won't meet 'Mr Right' in time to have children. I've been ill, & still not really well enough to go into the dating scene yet. Just wish i could 'stop the clock' but obv that's impossible.

BUT... one of my friends is engaged, she's just had a lovely tiny baby at aged almost 39 (her first) with no problems at all. So that shows it can be done!
So good luck OP and stay hopeful!

MrsOakenshield Fri 03-May-13 12:25:37

that's a very good point, Lunatic - we don't know everyone's story and maybe a way to help yourself through this time is to think, there's goes someone who, despite it all, is PG, so there's hope for me too. I actually know far more people who've struggled to have a baby than those who've been successful at the drop of a hat.

Latara, there's definitely still time. DH's godmother married at 40 and went on to have 4 children!

Dahlialover Fri 03-May-13 12:37:57

After I miscarried, everyone in the town I lived in was pregnant (at least it looked that way) I was pretty depressed but had to hide it because it was making OH unhappy - he did not know what to do to make it better and I did not either.

In the end I figured it was my baby that I wanted, not theirs, and there was no way I could know what they had been through to get there themselves. It was a small window into what other people go through, in order to do something that seems so easy and simple.

The sadness and regret continued even after I had my first child (with a couple of scares during the pregnancy) but one day, I realised I would not be who I am if I had not experienced this, and I sort of let it go.

Big hugs (and agree with not reading stats!)

Iggi101 Fri 03-May-13 12:43:10

These are very normal feelings for someone who has experiences pregnancy loss or infertility. In RL there are lots of people who have never experienced these things, and may not understand your feelings. So use mumsnet to vent when it feels too much; as you can see loads of us know exactly how you are feeling.
I have found since having my "miracle" baby, I can finally enjoy hearing about other people's pregnancies again, though I still find some of the facebook type stuff difficult.
Hope the back is sorted quickly for you, though as others have said you have potentially years left to conceive. (My dc1 - 37, dc2 - 41).

imip Fri 03-May-13 13:01:56

Op, I am one of those who probably make it look blissfully easy, but the story behind it all is quite sad, and I do know the personal hell you are going through. After infertility, I finally conceived my first child at 34. When I was 25 weeks pregnant, my precious girl was stillborn. Words cannot describe. Around me, everyone was pregnant, friends at the same time. My life just stopped. We were told that potentially I would be unable to carry a child to full term. Life was hell for dh and I.

I fell pregnant again quickly (fortunately). I went on to have my first surviving dd1 at 35, dd2 37, dd3 38 and dd4 40. All pregnancies were problematic, involved hospital stays etc, but we got there in the end. Life is stressful, chaotic, fun, hectic and all those things you could expect with lots of small kids. People often stop us to chat because we have four dds who are quite young. I would get stopped to chat by total strangers on a day-to-day basis. But I can never, ever forget how hard it was to see pregnant women and babies during those few hellish years.

I am generally ok with pregnancy now, but my heart does still skip a beat when someone mentions there first pregnancy. I guess it has had a strong impact on me by having four more pregnancies so close together in my late 30s. Going by my experience, you still have lots of child bearing time left. Jam sorry for your loss, it is very hard going. I wish that I could have seen the light at the tunnel when my world caved in. Wishing you strength...

Holly1977 Fri 03-May-13 13:14:06

yanbu at all. Your feelings are what they are and they're valid. I hated all pg women when we were ttc and I didn't have late mc to deal with like you. Well I didn't hate them really but it was really difficult to cope with. Especially as ALL my friends were either pg or already had kids. Every time a friend announced a pregnancy I sincerely congratulated them then went home and raged, cried and railed against the unfairness of it all for days sometimes. And what made it even harder is the way that some friends completely disappear from your life the minute they get pg or have kids.

Having a mc can be utterly devastating, there's no "right" way or timescale for recovery. It's a bereavement, don't let anyone tell you any different. Be kind to yourself, allow yourself time to grieve and don't despair about your biological clock (I know that's easier said than done). I only recent got pg and I'm 35 1/2 ! And get yourself a good counsellor if you can, they're worth their weight in gold. Even if friends and family are being really great, imo there's just no substitute for talking to someone who's just there to listen and isn't allowed to get bored! Good luck, I hope it works out for you.

Kasterborous Fri 03-May-13 13:24:17

No you are not being at all unreasonable. We went through six miscarriages while lots of our friends had babies and my sisters had babies too. I felt quite envious at times and how unfair that it wasn't us. Don't get me wrong I was happy for them - especially my sisters- but it's horrible.

icklemssunshine1 Fri 03-May-13 13:35:59

Thanks so much everyone. I am overwhelmed at the number of people who have stopped & took the time to post. I am heartened by the stories of posters who have had children in their late 30s/40s. My DH had cousins who had their firsts at 42 & 40 so I know there's hope for us too.

I agree with the poster (sorry I can't remember who!) who said they could deal with friends being pg but not acquaintances. That's somewhat true in my case. Whilst I was in hospital with my back I made a status on the (dreaded) FB about hospital sucked but morphined was great. An old friend PMed me & asked what was up. In my drugged up state I wrote a long message explaining everything that had happened this year - MC included. She sent a message back saying 'sorry, etc' and then opened with next para stating 'I'm 18 weeks pregnant'. Grrr! In my anger I 'unfriended' her immediately - ooops!

To everyone who recommends talking I will. Just being on here has helped today. I do try to DH but he is just so darn pragmatic - we're young, we conceived once & will again, get heathy first & we'll try again. I just want him today he misses the baby too & at times life is shit, can't we just rant & cry for a bit? I've spent days where I haven't thought about the MC once but this week its all I can think of. Probably as I'm feeling so low about my state of health & keep waiting for the appointment for my injections that never seems to come around! Another grrr!!

thermalsinapril Fri 03-May-13 14:25:28

YANBU at all. However there is still hope for you and I hope your treatment works for you soon.

In the event that things take much longer than expected, and you feel time is running out, you could consider getting some embryos frozen at a fertility clinic, for use in IVF should you need it.

sweetiepie1979 Fri 03-May-13 16:50:27

People can be so insensitive with pregnancy announcements!!! You poor thing , my god I feel for you. What I would say is that you have loads of time too. And I feel like a bit of a back queen so I can tell you that the book treat your own back is better than any nhs Physio you receive for disc trouble and perhaps if it has been nhs Physio you've seen you get a recommendation of a good private one and they will help! Keep going back to your doctor, then phone neuro surgeon to get bumped up the list beg them cry whatever if you need the op for the disc that's hitting the spinal cord you will be right as rain a few days after loads of people have had that op and pain free in days. With disc trouble the only way out is to do the exercises ive had a prolapse disc this is my 7th week for 2 weeks I was glued to floor using a bed pan then I managed to walk in agony for a week then slowly I am improving all the time. From day 2 of the pain I have done my Physio exercises 7/8 times a day they are the same exercises from the treat your own back book. So that will safe you money of you can't afford private Physio it's all in that book. I also get acupuncture every week in to my bum to loosen of that big muscle. I know your in pain but "this too shall pass" keep saying it to yourself stay strong positive mental attitude to back pain is very important. Xox

thebody Fri 03-May-13 16:55:18

Op I think a bereavement actually gets worse as time goes on as in the beginning there is the numb shock and all the support.

As time goes on and people stop being so supportive I think it's far more lonely. You also have had the time to dwell on your loss.

Hugs and I hope things work out for you.

Triumphoveradversity Fri 03-May-13 17:03:06

Not sure if cortisone and steroid are the same thing, hopefully a medical bod will confirm. I'm glad though sad that lots of people have said they felt or feel the same. Because you feel very alone with those feelings.

I hid all my pg friends on fb updates. I just get so enraged my so many annoying updates that I now stay off FB altogether.

melika Fri 03-May-13 17:26:09

You are not alone, been there, you will get through. Good luck.thanks

MoominsYonisAreScary Fri 03-May-13 19:22:27

Cortisone is a steroid injection

wintertimeisfun Fri 03-May-13 19:38:59

flowers to all of you how are ttc. best of luck to you all flowers

Lolapink Fri 03-May-13 19:47:13

The feelings you have are totally normal, having TTC'ed for 7 years. I used dread pregnancy announcements, and every where I went all I saw was babies.

Matildaandthematches Fri 03-May-13 20:10:46

Just wanted to echo everyone else. It's a very normal reaction. I had three miscarriages before my two children. I had to shut down my FB accounts for months because I couldn't take the scan pictures, I wouldn't watch soaps in case there was a pregnancy story, I once burst into tears on a bus because I had to give up my seat for a pregnant lady and I just wanted to shout that it should have been me.

So I wanted to say
1) I know it doesn't feel like it now but you will one day reach a point where you don't even well up talking about it.
2) there is nothing to make me think you won't one day have a family and you'll look back at this day and won't believe how much has changed in a short space of time.
3) you, like me, will always be one of the people who is sensitive about who and how they tell about their pregnancies having been through a MC. I always think now that I'm glad to know how tough it is and that I have never unintentionally put another woman through the same. I'm always sad for people who have had a MC but also think 'there's another woman who knows and will make it easier for unlucky women after her'. Dunno why but it helps me!

Happiestinwellybobs Fri 03-May-13 20:22:54

Whilst I have no experience of MC, I can try and empathise with you. I was TTC for 10 years. In that time my Dsis fell pregnant as soon as she came off the pill, then again by accident.. I work in HR and was the main contact for all pregnant employees. Month after month I would put on my 'brave face', saying how wonderful it was, whilst I was screaming inside.

I think you have to put yourself first. Don't be afraid to remove yourself from upsetting situations, and take time out. We are all different - for me, those red raw feelings eventually dulled a little, although the grief i went through when told IVF was unsuitable is unforgettable.

Don't ever give up though. I know of a woman in her 40s who having tried for 20 years to get pregnant, thought she was going through the menopause only to find out she was pregnant with twins! And I ended up adopting DD smile

thermalsinapril Fri 03-May-13 21:01:56

> Month after month I would put on my 'brave face', saying how wonderful it was, whilst I was screaming inside.

Yes. That's what people don't see, isn't it? They have no idea.

NikkiLaLa Fri 03-May-13 21:09:49

YANBU.. I have a 4.5yo (we tried for 5 years to get pg with him) and we have been trying for another for 4 years now, it's completely soul destroying. I see pregnant women everywhere I go, friends/family are getting pregnant at the drop of a hat and I have shut down my FB because in the last week there were 8 pregnancies announced amongst my friends. I'm so bad at the moment that I cannot go into Mothercare (it has an ELC so that's why I was still going in there), i cannot go down the baby aisle in the supermarket and I cried yesterday when I drove past the hospital when I had my ds. Feel like I'm losing the plot half the time!

I am so sorry for your loss, I really do hope that your back is better soon and that you get a quick bfp once you start ttc. You are most definitely not too old! Wishing you all the luck in the world xxx

icklemssunshine1 Sat 04-May-13 07:30:21

First of all can I say thank you to everyone's messages of support - I am thankful for all the responses. Has made me feel less alone although I am sorry for everyone's losses, or fertility issues, sad to think this world has no much heartache.
sweetiepie - I took some of your advice & kept ringing the consultant's secretary & am booked in for my injections at then end of the month. According to statistics I should be pain free in 2 weeks after that although it could be 6 or in cases of 1/1000 it doesn't work at all. I'm due for some good luck I think after this year! I am also booked into see a private physio which I'll have to pay for but I think at the moment I'm so down with both the emotional & physical pain any money spent to make myself better will be a small price to pay.

thebody - that's exactly how I feel. I thought it would get easier not harder, who said "time heals"? Bloody FB, who invented it? I've started to 'hide' all friends who are pg or who have just had babies, son I'll have no friends left!!

Nikki & for the other poster who worked in HR (sorry for not remembering your name!), I feel so much for you. Just the waiting of not being able to TTC is upsetting me so I can't even begin to understand how you are feeling. Big hugs to you both.

Once again thank you all, you have made me feel so much better.

Agnesmum Sat 04-May-13 08:10:09

So, so sorry for your loss. I had three miscarriages but didn't tell anyone, apart from my close family. My mum actually asked her local vicar to come and talk to me as I was so down and she was worried about me. All he did was talk about his new baby and toddler!!

The Miscarriage association were brilliant though. I had to put up with lots of comments from insensitive people asking me when I was going to have a baby etc etc. It broke my heart. All my friends were having babies and I felt so sad. (I went on to have two boys) Don't give up, take it one step at a time, don't be hard on yourself.

I have also had two steroid injections in my frozen shoulder which worked brilliantly.

Sending you lots of positive thoughts.

StanleyLambchop Sat 04-May-13 11:19:56

OP, I had a very similar problem to you many years ago. I also feared that I would not have children due to the medication/general ropey state of my back. But- my eldest is about to go up to senior school and I have another one since. So, it is possible that you will have a baby, just give yourself time to get over this problem first, then review the situation. Once my back problems were sorted, they have not come back and they had no lasting effect on my ability to carry a child. Hopefully if you can get over this idea that it will never happen, then the sight of the bumps won't bother you so much!

JennySense Sat 04-May-13 13:26:50

Just wanted to chip in - I had secondary infertility [where you get pg once and then have difficulty conceiving again]
It took me 8 years to have another baby - the only 2 pg in this time ended in m/c.
I got a lot of comfort from www.fertilityfriends.co.uk - brilliant source of information
Also I recommend Miscarriage: What every Woman needs to know by Lesley Regan although it is a little dated now.
Since m/c is common, GPs often wait until at least 3 before investigating but I would recommend asking if there is an early pregnancy/miscarriage unit you can be referred to.
You still have time on your side, but it is wise to be proactive I think - Fertility Friends can help you get good information and support.
Wishing you all the best
x

vickchick Sat 04-May-13 14:48:44

It is not surprising that you feel the way you do, and you have every right to feel that way. However, hope remains that you will be able to have a family of your own in the future and you should focus on those positive thoughts. Even where hope is sparse, there is always a chance and many of the stories here prove that good things can come from difficult situations. Wishing you all good things in your future.

KippersAndMackerel Sat 04-May-13 16:06:17

This may be completely unhelpful, but if there is a chance of you being too old after, have you considered having your eggs harvested now, then used in surrogacy?

OwlinaTree Sat 04-May-13 18:16:01

I feel similar to you, it took me 19 months to conceive my dd, then she died at 3 days old.

I think it's the thought that it might never happen, that you are never going to get to be a parent that is so terrifying, and makes it so hard to see others having what will (statistically speaking) be straightforward pregnancies all around you.

Hang in there. We will get there one day.

SimplyRedHead Sat 04-May-13 19:45:30

Poor you OP - I really feel for you x

Just to add that I had 3 mc when I was 35 and went to see my GP because I was worried about all the stats and my age.

She just laughed at me and told me to start worrying in 10 years! I got pregnant again the same month and now have a 3 week old

You really do have plenty of time (although I was the most impatient person ever so understand completely the urgency to be pregnant).

Best of luck x

YBR Sat 04-May-13 19:49:55

I felt the same after 2 MMC, it became evident to me that those who hadn't been there seemed to think my grief illogical/unreasonable. I received some appalling comments from those who'd never experienced MC, yet anyone who had was just as bad telling me their story in detail when I really didn't need it. I now have a DD, and while I'm sure everyone except DH has forgotten the MMCs, it still gets me from time to time.
I think it is esp. hard to get through grief for a MC as we usually don't have any reason for it, and no fond memories of the "person" we've lost. It is still a recognizable grieving process though.

EeyoreIsh Sat 04-May-13 20:00:03

YANBU. I could have written your post. I miscarried at 7 weeks in mid Feb. we'd been trying to conceive for two years, so we were overjoyed to get a bfp.

Three months later, there is still a bit of me that feels broken and lost. We're about to start ivf at the end of this month.

I've a friend who is due a week or two after I would have been, my sister six weeks before. a colleague's wife with the same due date. travelling into work and back I frequently see pregnant women, it breaks my heart.

I don't have any words of advice to give you, just <hugs> and flowers

PicardyThird Sun 05-May-13 12:38:35

I'm lucky enough to have always conceived quickly and, most of all, to have two lovely children, but I have also had miscarriages - one before dc1, two between dc1 and dc2, then one last year and I found out this week that I have had no. 5. The fourth miscarriage hit me particularly hard, for a number of reasons, and I have been struggling for a while now and tbh am just unable to deal with the fact that it is happening again, so I am shutting it out, glossing over it, thinking of the next pregnancy already. And I am, unfortunately, struggling with pregnant friends, even if they have had a tough time with fertility themselves.

It really is incredibly tough on us. Some of our feelings may not be 'nice' but they're all very human.

Greypuddle Sun 05-May-13 12:43:57

OP I echo Meerkat about reading statistics. Here are my statistics - husband left me at 38, met a wonderful new man, mc'd at 6 weeks then went on to have a baby and I'm 42. Mc is awful and I'm so sorry for you, but please please try not to worry and stress about your age.

jellybeans Sun 05-May-13 13:31:06

I felt the same when I lost my DDs at 21, 23 weeks and my other earlier losses. It was beyond painful. Even when I got pg I felt odd with pg women as they seemed so relaxed whereas I knew I had a 50% chance of late losses and major complications throughout. On the happy side I did have 4 healthy pregnancies in between although needed injections, cervical stitches, blood transfusions etc it was very worth it. But I still remember how isolating and painful and utterly dreadful a time it was. Wishing you much luck for a healthy pregnancy and healthy baby.

Kafri Sun 05-May-13 17:37:26

having feelings is never wrong IMO, whatever those feelings are.

I spent 6 years trying for my DS and finished up with IVF to have him.

While pg I had a really nasty lady shout at me about how she was sick and tired of having to see people get so easily what she couldnt have and why did I deserve to be pg when she couldnt. she said 'ive been teying for ages and it isn't going to happen'. there was I thinking she was in a similar position to me (in needing help to conceive) when she continued 'ive been trying for the last 4 months and nothing is happening, and my stupid f**** doctor won't do anything at all'. shock

dont give up hope of it happening. yes its hard to watch. I watched many friends/acquaintances/strangers getting pg and it hurt each time but I really tried to turn it round. after all, I knew how special it was by the very fact that I wanted it so badly.

the hardest people to watch having babies was actually younger siblings of friends that id actually babysat for as a teenager.

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