....to be really angry at my cousin's wife

(74 Posts)
Cailinsalach Thu 02-May-13 11:32:31

...not actually doing it of course, just wanting to.... Really badly....

This woman has been married to my cousin for about 35 years. In that time she has had big massive screamy shouty sweary rows with everyone in the family. All her in laws. Everyone of us. Some she has had numerous screamy times with.

She perceives slights and insults where none were intended. We all learned years ago that you just don't joke with this woman, never tease, definitely no banter, she just couldn't take it. So we all tiptoe around her, conversing about the weather and who won the match and completely avoiding anything that she could misinterpret as insulting to her or her family.

Anyway my coping mechanism means that I avoid her, although it means I don't see very much of my cousin who is a really nice bloke. They live next door but one to me and my Dad.

Now this is where my piss goes from a simmer to a rolling boil. My old Dad, 90, met her and stopped for a chat. Dad tends to speak before he thinks and sometimes could word his thoughts better, but there is nothing nasty or spiteful about him. He is a sweet gentle elderly old man. She told him she was feeling unwell with a recurring chest infection and she had been to A&E twice last week then went away for a hen party for two days.

Dad said she should have stayed in hospital. He meant well. He meant she might be feeling better if she was under medical care. So what did the rip roaring bitch do to my poor old Dad? Yup. Screamed and swore and shouted at him. He couldn't even tell what she was saying as she yelled in his face. Now Dad is all upset, not sleeping and having panic attacks. 90 years old and frightened of his nephew's wife.

So this throat ripping idea. Is it really bad?

HazeltheMcWitch Thu 02-May-13 11:34:26

I saw the thread title and thought - oooh, a bit much.

But then I read the OP, and if someone had upset my dad (also old, a bit infirm...), yes I would want to obliterate them, painfully,.

So YANBU to imagine doing it.

DribbleWiper Thu 02-May-13 11:34:54

Nope, perfectly reasonable. Suggest getting someone to hold her while you do it.

What a complete cow.

helenthemadex Thu 02-May-13 11:36:54

rip away!

maybe what this nasty bullying cow needs is someone to actually stand up to her and tell her she is a vile bully and shout back at her

aldiwhore Thu 02-May-13 11:36:55

I too was going to mention the title was horrible (it is horrible), but YANBU to be so angry.

What a hateful woman.

KirstyoffEastenders Thu 02-May-13 11:37:16

What a bitch. Must be a slightly less violent way of knocking her off her pedestal, sounds like she needs it though.

CrowsLanding Thu 02-May-13 11:37:53

What disgusting behaviour, I would feel the same as you.
Is there any chance you can speak to your cousin about how his wife has made your dad feel?

HoHoHoNoYouDont Thu 02-May-13 11:41:05

She could do with putting herself forward for an assessment of her mental health.

ENormaSnob Thu 02-May-13 11:41:24

Yes, she deserves a pasting.

Stupid bitch.

ChocsAwayInMyGob Thu 02-May-13 11:41:53

What a toxic person. She sounds unhinged. Does your nice cousin enable her? Why has he not tried to reason with her over all these years? Surely her own husband could try and stop these nasty offensive outbursts?

I hope your Dad is OK. He didn't say anything wrong. If you're using up A and E time twice in a week you're hardly well enough to go hen nighting.

pickledginger Thu 02-May-13 11:42:07

I thought it sounded harsh. Then I read your post.

Do you need anyone to hold your coat whilst you do it?

What does your cousin do about it?

I actually would be contacting the police. She has verbally assured your father and intimidated him and frightened him

Then I would tear her limb from limb

VinegarTits Thu 02-May-13 11:44:02

YANBU

'this is where my piss goes from a simmer to a rolling boil'

i love the way you worded this though, im nicking that

Nasty cow, WTF is wrong with her? Definitely tell your cousin, she's way out of line.

Cromwell44 Thu 02-May-13 11:45:56

Your phrasing in the title seemed a bit extreme but having read the post I can see where you're coming from so YANBU. I think aging, particularly frail, v elderly parents bring out the 'tiger mother' response in us. It certainly did with me.

Take action, it'll make you feel better. I'd write a very cold, unemotional letter to this individual spelling out very clearly that her behaviour was unacceptable and describe how it has affected your dad. Point out his age, his frailty and his innocent remarks and the complete inappropriateness of her response.
Leave it at that, have nothing more to do with her.

You don't say whether she's been tackled about this in the past.

squoosh Thu 02-May-13 11:46:13

I was all ready to say you were being OTT......but no way. I would not accept anyone treating my 90 year old father like that. No matter who they were, no matter what anger management issues she had.

No wonder she feels confident in screeching and roaring as she sees fit if everyone is on tenterhooks around her.

You should all get together and tell her 'NO MORE'.

ChocsAwayInMyGob Thu 02-May-13 11:48:16

squoosh I agree. If someone has behaved like this for 35 years it's because nobody has stopped her. Now is the time. Do not give her any more power over any of you.

MaxPepsi Thu 02-May-13 11:48:23

Oh I'd just punch the fucking bitch. Sounds like you would be doing mankind a favour if you did.

However she would report you I'm quite sure.

I'd go up to her. And tell her in very calm and quiet manner just so no one else can hear you that if she EVER speaks to anyone in the same way again that you are indeed going to rip her head off and piss down her throat.

I did something quite similar to my SIL. When she tried to garner sympathy for my 'atrocious behaviour' she had to then explain why i'd said it in the first place. She was soon brought down a peg or two and was told she was lucky i hadn't actually followed it through.

It only takes one of you to finally put her in her place and stand up to her.

Cailinsalach Thu 02-May-13 11:48:31

I wish I knew why she reacts like this to people. It usually comes right out of the blue.

Everyone is frightened of her, including her MIL, my aunt. When my Uncle was alive he would tell her to feck off and feck off home to her own people. After a couple of honest exchanges of opinions with him she developed a different coping strategy. This was basically identify the weaker, less confrontational people and scream at them.

Ah well. Dad said he'll just try and ignore her. Me too. (Grrrrrrr)

CrazyOldCatLady Thu 02-May-13 11:49:01

Another one who thought the title was a bit much till I read the post.

I wouldn't bother trying to do anything about it though, I'd just steer well clear. She doesn't sound like someone who can be reasoned with.

Is your cousin not mortified?

MrsGeologist Thu 02-May-13 11:49:36

I'd be tempted to dish out a bit of what she likes to dish out, with lots of family to back you up.

Nasty woman.

MansView Thu 02-May-13 11:51:18

people like her should simply be ignored...don't even engage her in any conversation full stop...

RooneyMara Thu 02-May-13 11:55:01

erm, no. It's not a very good idea tbf. I dislike intimations of violence even when said violence may well be required to have any impact

it's frustrating but I think you need to stop thinking like this and start thinking of actual ways to solve the problem iyswim x

She lives two houses away - can you report her to the policy and get a restraining order?

For a 100 metre exclusion zone?

So that the bitch can't live in that house anymore?! wink

Cailinsalach Thu 02-May-13 11:56:44

My cousin, in the past, has been mortified. He has spoken to her and she occasionally apologises for these outbursts. I do think she has a mental health issue but I don't know if she has ever addressed it.

When I was young my Dad told me a swift coward always lived longer than a slow hero. So.....................scatter!

I would report her behaviour to the police.

bollockstoit Thu 02-May-13 11:58:28

Was also going to suggest reporting to the police. It needs someone to stand up to her instead of appeasing her all the time. Someone on here's really good at responding to people like that, is it expat?

ok, then call your cousin and tell him what she has done to a 90 year old man!

DontmindifIdo Thu 02-May-13 12:00:43

yep, either report her to the police, or go round and give her back with both barrells, I bet noone ever shouts back.

NotKathyReichs Thu 02-May-13 12:00:45

I agree you shoukd contact the police, make an official complaint. Throat ripping not such a great idea, blood stains are a pain to get out your clothes

MorrisZapp Thu 02-May-13 12:01:40

Ooh it's all gone a bit Kenny Rogers now.

TSSDNCOP Thu 02-May-13 12:01:54

No, you are not U.

I would be round to a person that spoke to my dad like that in a jiffy to rip them a new one.

pickledginger Thu 02-May-13 12:03:33

I think she needs to know, through your cousin, that a repeat of that behaviour will see the police round to her house. If they lived further away it might be possible to avoid her but if she's next door but one your father needs to know that he's safe from that.

Pootles2010 Thu 02-May-13 12:04:01

I think you need to take your late Uncle's approach, sounds like it worked well.

Also talk to your cousin-perhaps you need to agree, as a family, that until she learns to behave she will not be welcome, and just don't let her in, don't talk to her, dont' engage.

LadyBeagleEyes Thu 02-May-13 12:06:08

My elderly, sweet mum died last year.
She was very frail and fortunately only had kindness in her old age.
I would have wanted to kill anybody that screamed in her face, she would have fallen apart.
You all sound like you're scared of her, why the fuck does nobody take her on?

magicstar1 Thu 02-May-13 12:07:14

I'd pin her to the wall by the throat and frighten the life out of her!

You really should report her though...if you don't do anything now, it could be worse on your dad in the future.

gillywillywoo Thu 02-May-13 12:10:17

I'd say rip her heart out as well but she probably hasn't got one grin

DreamingofSummer Thu 02-May-13 12:14:42

Go round and give her both barrels. If she refuses to apologise to your dad, get the police involved

bollockstoit Thu 02-May-13 12:15:39

All bullies are cowards. If everyone just told her to fuck off, her power would be gone. You're all nice, polite people and she has taken advantage of that.

morethanpotatoprints Thu 02-May-13 12:17:55

Your poor old Dad, this womans behaviour is terrible and there is no excuse. I would tell your cousin, contact the police and have nothing to do with neither cousin nor his wife. Whilst you all let her behave like this you are condoning her behaviour.

AnonYonimousBird Thu 02-May-13 12:20:44

Let's form an orderly queue.....

Your poor Dad.

YANBU!!!! Just rip real slow... maximum pain!

NatashaBee Thu 02-May-13 12:21:18

I think her behaviour has gone on long enough and she needs to be told and slapped. I would talk to your cousin afterwards, he sounds like he's stuck in an impossible situation and is alienated from his family because of her - let him know you want to support him and encourage him to get her to see the doctor to discuss possible mental health issues. I would report to the police, too.

quoteunquote Thu 02-May-13 12:23:33

Phone 101, and report this person,

Keep a diary of any further contact, report her so no one in your family feels they have to deal with her.

You should all have a zero tolerance towards her behaviour,

It is because it has been tolerated for years, she now feels it is acceptable to treat any of you like this, she will continue to do so, as long as you let her.

olgaga Thu 02-May-13 12:23:44

Steer well clear of her and your cousin. He must be a bit weird too, to have been married to her for 35 years!

No need for even a polite acknowledgement when someone's like that. I'm surprised they weren't ostracised years ago if it's that bad.

DameFanny Thu 02-May-13 12:31:57

I'll hold your coat.

seriouscakeeater Thu 02-May-13 12:36:26

shock I imagined it being my lovely nan.. sad angry

Initially I would kick her door down and punch her in the throat! But would probably get arrested!

I would phone police over intimidation and tell EVERYONE in family what she has done! How fucking dare she treat a 90 year old like that!

I would also embark in reign of terror make her life a misery! Dog shot smeared threw car radiator --u can't get rid of the smell when
fans come on--

sweetestcup Thu 02-May-13 12:38:27

Put it this way if a complete stranger walked up to your 90 year old Dad in the street and yelled into his face leaving him in a state of fear and distress would you phone the Police? Of course you would! So why should it be any different just because shes family?

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BlackeyedSusan Thu 02-May-13 13:27:13

I would be tempted to let the police know that she has used thrreatening behaviour towds him and that he is now too fraid to go out or whtever

Rip her throat open with your teeth. What a bitch!!!

goonyagoodthing Thu 02-May-13 13:39:34

She sounds like a prize bastard. So the question now is, what ARE you going to do? Is it going to be swept under the carpet for fear of upsetting the nasty woman further or is someone going to stand up and let her have it for verbally attacking and frightening a 90 year old man? Get onto the police and report her, and teach her a bit of manners that she lack so much. Or get the rest of your family into a room with her and reduce her to a quivering wreck with some home truths.

Do not let her get away with this OP. Who does she think she is, I don't know you from Adam but I am so mad for your poor father.

Cailinsalach Thu 02-May-13 13:39:44

Thanks everyone. I shall think it over before I act but I will tell the family.

My cousin is between a rock and a hard place. I will probaby tell him but Dad wants to put it behind him, kill the drama, ignore this horrible woman and regain his peace of mind.

Fakebook Thu 02-May-13 13:42:00

If anyone did this to my dad, I'd be around their house in a second and not be held responsible for anything that would happen thereafter. Call the police and report her. Your Dad doesn't deserve to be spoken to like that and be fearful because of some unhinged loony.

Eskino Thu 02-May-13 13:46:03

I'm the queen of avoidance and ruler of all that is non-confrontational in the interests of a quiet life, but I'd be straight round there asking what she meant by upsetting my elderly dad.

What a mean cow. She needs a dose of her own medicine.

Whilst I would, in my head, plot allsorts of horrible revenge, what I would actually do is go around and tell her and your cousin that if there is ever a repeat performance you will go to the police.

That way your Dad doesn't have to deal with a fuss now but she is on notice that you won't tolerate your Dad being treated that way.

I wouldn't engage in a conversation with her about it I would just use the the broken record technique and keep repeating "if you ever speak to Dad like that again I will call the police" no matter if she screams or shouts. That we you have been totally calm and reasonable and she is completely in the wrong. If you get into a slanging match then run the risk of her claiming you started an argument etc. and you lose the moral highground.

That way

I agree with Chaz - I would be tempted to go round and tell her that you are fed up with her attitude, she is being a complete bully and if she ever speaks to your dad, you, her MIL in such an aggressive way again then you will go to the police. Then cut her out of your life.

I cannot understand why people are willing to be miserable and put up with being treated so badly to make life easier for others. My DH did it for years with his DB and SIL until they started treating me like shit. There was no drama he just told them he didn't want to have any more arguments and they haven't spoken for years. It was a little uncomfortable for a couple of months but everyone is happy with the situation now.

A couple of months of bad feeling is better than another 35 years of abuse.

RebeccaMumsnet (MNHQ) Thu 02-May-13 14:40:21

Hi all,

Following a few reports, we have edited this thread title as we thought the original was a little - erm - beyond the pale.

squoosh Thu 02-May-13 14:41:19

'........................to think my cousin's wife is a dashed rotter'

pickledginger Thu 02-May-13 14:41:24

It was, but when you read what she did I understand the hyperbole.

cumfy Thu 02-May-13 14:45:08

She sounds evil.

How does she have any friends ? (55+ and invited to a hen ?)

Cailinsalach Thu 02-May-13 14:46:38

Oooer. I am beyond the pale! How has this affected my street cred?

(My sons will be so proud....)

Cailinsalach Thu 02-May-13 14:49:30

The hen weekend was for her future dil. And no, I honestly don't believe she has any many friends.

Miggsie Thu 02-May-13 14:50:01

Sounds like you dad has been appeasing a total bully for many many years and his attitude has allowed her to grow into a total monster.

If you follow your dads advice you will be living like this for the rest of your lives. Remeber enablers of bullies are just as culpable as the bully in these situations. My dad and his dad allowed grandmother to terrorise the entire family for YEARS and caused untold misery. If only someone had said "piss off you mad old bag" and ignored her for the rest of time, how much better life would have been.

Tell her enough is enough and stand up to her every time she does this - otherwise you condone bullying and threats and it will go on and on through all the genrations - my gran DIED screaming abuse at all those gahtered by her bedside and - get this- those who could not be at the bedside had to gather round a phone and listen to it - I kid you NOT - nothing like listening to granny dying screaming abuse at you.

I urge you to stand up to her, and tell your dad not to let her get away with it. Bullies and criminals get away with it when no one does anything.

musickeepsmesane Thu 02-May-13 14:50:07

I agree with chaz. I would make sure your cousin was there when you spoke to his bitch wife so he is fully informed too.

HansieMom Thu 02-May-13 16:01:40

I sure pity her future DIL. Maybe you could introduce DIL to Mumsnet.

StuntGirl Thu 02-May-13 18:44:07

Ooh am I the only one wondering what the original title was?

manticlimactic Thu 02-May-13 19:26:18

No stunt you're not. grin

musickeepsmesane Thu 02-May-13 19:27:11

Stuntgirl, I think it was to do with possibly, maybe removing part of the bitches throat!

IneedAsockamnesty Thu 02-May-13 19:32:40

Would you like a lift?

Oh yanbu

I also sorry I missed the title.

I would be making friends with future DIL so at least she have some normal to talk to.

I wouldn't feel sorry for you uncle as he been enabling her for 35+ years with her behaviour by not pulling her up.

DameFanny Thu 02-May-13 20:03:21

My offer no longer makes sense sad

Snazzynewyear Thu 02-May-13 20:37:28

Another one agreeing with chaz. Go round and tell her this will never happen again or the police will be called. And be prepared to do it right then if she starts screeching at you.

digerd Thu 02-May-13 21:07:06

Various apt sayings come to mind
You need to fight fire with fire
She needs a dose of her own medicine
Those 2 anyway.
I can't believe nobody ever stood up to her shock. Your poor dad, it could have killed him angry sad

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