To think if you're behind a funeral you turn the music off in your car?

(200 Posts)

On the way to work this morning. Behind a funeral. Loads of people walking behind a hearse.

The bucko in front of me had loud thumps music blaring.

AIBU to think he/she should have turned it off?

mrsjay Thu 02-May-13 09:40:45

oh god that is horrible and so disrespectful , no YANBU . I was once in a car behind a herse and somebody cut the hearse up at a junction shock why would anybody do that is their lives so important that they cant wait a few minutes

mrsjay Thu 02-May-13 09:41:35

wasn't the hearse it was the family car IYSWIM we were a few cars behind with open mouths and dh saying some choice words about the idiot who did it

ivanapoo Thu 02-May-13 09:41:56

They probably should have yes but it probably didn't occur to them. Driving can send people into a little bubble, I hope if they had realised what was going on and that people could hear their music it would have been turned down.

Poledra Thu 02-May-13 09:44:09

Yes, of course they should. Have people no consideration for others? I was cycling with the DDs the other weekend when a funeral cortege came up behind. I stopped the girls and pulled the bikes up onto the pavement so that all of the cortege could get past us without waiting for a gap in the traffic (and no, we weren't cycling on the pavement, just waiting there till the cortege went past).

whattodoo Thu 02-May-13 09:44:39

YANBU! I always turn radio off if following or even driving the other way.
Very disrespectful not to.

DeepRedBetty Thu 02-May-13 09:44:51

Yanbu. I've done this before now, especially in warm weather when my windows are open. I don't think mourners really want to hear Ken Bruce doing Popmaster!

LeaveTheBastid Thu 02-May-13 09:45:06

YANBU to think he should have, no. They aren't hard to spot, and if you cant show some respect for a minute of your day then its a sad world. Me and DH went to a good friends funeral a couple of years ago and were following the procession in our car, it was obvious who was following it as we all kept close and slow in the same lane etc, and the amount of absolute dickheads who cut in was unbelievable. At one point he shouted out to one bloke trying to edge in front of us that it was a procession and to have some respect and the bloke shouted back "ain't my funeral mate" shock shocking.

mrsjay Thu 02-May-13 09:45:58

I can remember as little girl people used to stop in the street if a funeral past them and then be on their way afterwards I havn't seen anybody do that in years

mrsjay Thu 02-May-13 09:47:05

the bloke shouted back "ain't my funeral mate" shocking.

what the hell is wrong with people so bloody selfish

1Catherine1 Thu 02-May-13 09:47:15

Hmm, I think YABU. I mean, there is never an excuse to expose everybody to your music - playing it that loud that everyone around has to hear it is simply rude anyway. On the other hand, I play my music at a reasonable level so I can enjoy it and don't feel the need to turn it off if I happen to get stuck behind a hearse.

I do however, think it is incredibly rude to plan a funeral during rush hour, I mean, the dead person is hardly going to mind if they have their funeral at 9am or 10:30am.

harleyd Thu 02-May-13 09:47:45

some people have been dragged up and have no respect for others

CockyFox Thu 02-May-13 09:47:53

I was always told if walking you should stop whilst a funeral passes. I make the DCs do this I also close the curtains on the day of a neighbours funeral. I sometimes feel I am the only one that does it.
So of course a driver should turn of their stereo.

I was quite shocked. I would always be mega respectful to a funeral and I could hear the music in my car with the windows up

SillyTilly123 Thu 02-May-13 09:49:49

When my mam died 2 years ago we were in the family car with the hearse in front waiting at a junction and someone crossed the road in between the cars. (we'd only just got there so not like he had to wait ages) It will always stick in my mind that!

A few months back i took my nan to her SIL's funeral (i coudnt go in as had dd3) and waited outside for her. I made sure the music was not so loud as to be able to hear it outside, and i was messing on my tablet but keeping it out of sight of mourners. Its just common decency.

cozietoesie Thu 02-May-13 09:50:02

mrsjay

I remember at my grandmother's funeral, all the neighbours (those who weren't coming to the actual funeral) came out of their houses to the street and stood in front of their gates as the hearse went by. i haven't seen that since.

CockyFox Thu 02-May-13 09:50:10

Cross post MrsJay. I do that and so do my DCs. We live very close to the cemetery (a few minutes walk) so it is often a couple of times a day.

GOLDENLiquidAngel Thu 02-May-13 09:51:53

I didn't know about stopping when a hearse drives past. I used to carry on walking but bow my head as it passed. I will stop in future. I also think the driver should have turned the stereo down at least

Tailtwister Thu 02-May-13 09:51:58

YANBU, how disrespectful of him. Some people have no awareness of other people and seem to sit in their own selfish little bubbles. What a twat!

DeepRedBetty Thu 02-May-13 09:52:46

Sadly getting a funeral time is not just a matter of choosing something to suit you and the rest of the family. Our nearby crematorium is not really big enough for the population it serves, and the next nearest is well over an hour's drive, so when DBro died we had the choice of waiting for over three weeks (which our mum couldn't face) or 9 a.m in six day's time.

iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii Thu 02-May-13 09:52:54

YANBU. What a thoughtless person.

I was made to stop as a wee girl and I remember being out with my grandpa and he bowed his head and too his bunnet off.

Thumbtack Thu 02-May-13 09:53:05

YANBU. There is an unwritten rule in all societies, to respect the deceased, I am bewildered at behaviour that doesnt understand this.

Took his bunnet off

StuntGirl Thu 02-May-13 09:54:58

Yy harleyd

Panzee Thu 02-May-13 09:55:15

I live in a smaller community and most people still stop (cars and walking) when a funeral proceeds. I was in the family car for one and a group of road workers all stopped what they were doing and bowed their heads. I was really touched by that.

mrsjay Thu 02-May-13 09:55:16

I do however, think it is incredibly rude to plan a funeral during rush hour, I mean, the dead person is hardly going to mind if they have their funeral at 9am or 10:30am.

are you taking the piss shock jesus wept I have read it all now

mrsjay Thu 02-May-13 09:55:43

that is really nice to hear panzee

Poledra Thu 02-May-13 09:57:08

Took the words out of my mouth there, mrsjay.

Poledra Thu 02-May-13 09:57:38

For both your posts, though I originally meant the first one.

ReculverTowers Thu 02-May-13 09:58:01

I was once waiting at an island and a funeral procession was going round and some twat cut into the procession so he could go round the island. It really did annoy me SO much

I don't agree that people are in their own little bubble, they are arrogant and selfish if they think cutting up a funeral procession is an acceptable way to behave

StuntGirl Thu 02-May-13 09:58:11

When I was going to my Grandad's funeral as a teenager I remember as the hearse turned the corner up to the church an old man at the bus stop opposite took off his hat and bowed his head while it passed. It was such a lovely, respectful gesture from a total stranger, I've never forgotten it. I rarely see funeral processions but when I do I stop what I'm doing while they pass and do the same.

But then I often feel as a society we are not respectful enough of the dead, or indeed the people left dealing with grief.

mrsjay Thu 02-May-13 09:58:44

I remember at my grandmother's funeral, all the neighbours (those who weren't coming to the actual funeral) came out of their houses to the street and stood in front of their gates as the hearse went by. i haven't seen that since.

that is really touching I havn't seen it for a while I can always remember walking along with my nana and people just stopping and waiting till the procession passed

ReculverTowers Thu 02-May-13 09:59:43

I still close my curtains if someone I know has died blush
I think i might be victorian

Tiredmumno1 Thu 02-May-13 10:00:30

Catherine that is one of the most ridiculous thing I've ever read.

phantomhairpuller Thu 02-May-13 10:04:04

1Catherine1, are you for real?! Or do you just have an odd sense of humour?!

I think it's massively disrespectful and I think, had a been in the walking procession, I would have knocked on the idiots window and bloody well told him so!

I'll always remember my gramps funeral. Some arsehole on a motorbike cut in between the hearse and the family car and then made no attempt to overtake further. He literally sat between the hearse and the family car until we turned off to the crem angry moron!

NeoMaxiZoomDweebie Thu 02-May-13 10:04:15

YANBU of course. That's awful. On a positive note though I like the way you call him a "Bucko" grin We should say that more often about people.

ArthurCucumber Thu 02-May-13 10:07:15

YANBU. Highly disrespectful. I once saw a procession being aggressively tailgated, flashing lights and everything angry. And no, not by the emergency services, just some wanker in an Audi.

Yanbu at all. The funeral is something the family will remember for a lifetime, the twat in the car won't even remember it tomorrow. As for the comment about it being inconsiderate to arrange a funeral in rush hour shock funnily enough when arranging the 2 that I have traffic wasn't even on my radar of things to think about.

CelticPromise Thu 02-May-13 10:08:17

Going to bury my mum last year two scruffy looking blokes outside a pub took their caps off and bowed heads. It still happens!

I expect the driver with the music just didn't think.

navada Thu 02-May-13 10:09:53

YANBU. That's awful.

wigglesrock Thu 02-May-13 10:10:04

We all come our of our houses when a body comes home to be waked and then again when the coffin is brought from the house to the chapel. My mum used to make us turn the radio off when we used to go to the graveyard smile

Most funerals I've been to are part of the mass so you don't get a choice of times.

Musicaltheatremum Thu 02-May-13 10:11:33

When my husband died at home and the undertakers removed him from the house my abiding memory throughout the trauma was of my neighbour, who was on his way out to the car, stopping while they took DH to the car to take him to the funeral parlour. That small act of compassion meant so much. I even wrote him a note to say thank you.

MrGeresHamster Thu 02-May-13 10:11:34

I always stop walking and bow my head when a hearse passes. Must have been something I was taught to do. I

MrGeresHamster Thu 02-May-13 10:12:24

...it gives you a moment to reflect and think of the family who has lost someone.

mrsjay Thu 02-May-13 10:12:46

there used to be a funeral gate crasher at every single funeral where we lived she turned up to my grans funeral and the tea afterwards it was the most awkward situation everybody kept saying who is that woman, I then heard the funeral directors used to look out for her I know you can't stop people attending churches but the graveside and wake was taking it a bit far

iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii Thu 02-May-13 10:14:57

I always stop and have a short 'reflect' about things when I see a funeral. It should be a little poignant moment in the day.

(I might not do that if I saw loads of them though hmm )

SummerRemembered Thu 02-May-13 10:18:21

My (absolutely lovely and dearly missed) aunt lived in a small community and when she died, we were astounded by the level of respect and sympathy extended by the villagers, whether they knew her or not. Because our family is quite large and there was not only the hearse and two official family cars but a lot more of us in our own cars also, the local police took note of everyone who was travelling to the funeral and accompanied the whole, long procession to ensure we stayed together. They stopped traffic and waived us through red lights to ensure this would happen. People came to their gates and stood in silence whilst we passed. The same level of respect was extended by everyone, whether young or old. Even a group of teenagers kicking a ball against a wall stopped and bowed their heads.

It was incredibly moving and a real testament to the community values and way the villagers had been brought up, and continue to bring up their own families.

Back in the city, I have also seen people cutting up funeral processions on sadly far too many occasions. Does anyone know if this is actually covered in the Highway Code or Driving Theory Test? On one occasion I saw a very young girl - most likely a new driver - visibly panic and knew she had done wrong when she got in the middle of a procession. Perhaps driver education is the answer but it still doesn't explain the attitude of those on the street or the worse thing I ever saw, which was a bloke who was definitely old enough to know better, drive up behind an obviously slow moving funeral procession and honk his horn whilst shouting out the window to make them go faster. Later, when the hearse was out of the way and other vehicles had caught up with him at traffic lights, there was a lot of winding down windows and giving him a real dressing down from other drivers.

Death certainly brings out the very best and very worst of human behaviour.

landofsoapandglory Thu 02-May-13 10:19:04

YANBU. Unfortunately some people aren't brought up to respect others anymore. It is very sad really.

Catherine, Don't be so ridiculous! My Grandfather's funeral was at 9.15am. It was purposely planned for that time because part of my father's business, at the time, was delivering things every afternoon. It had to be done and there was no way of getting out of it, and my brother and sister were drivers. Had the funeral not have been at 9.15, my dad wouldn't have been able to attend his father's funeral!

DrSeuss Thu 02-May-13 10:20:50

I was brought up to stand still, head bowed slightly, if a funeral procession passed, waiting for them to go before moving. My mother also believed it was appropriate to make the sign of the cross, which I still do, even while driving! And I'm not that old, I'm 42!
I did think that my gran's neighbours might have washed their car after her cortège had left....
In the highly civilised North, I was also taught to close the curtains at the front of the house if a funeral procession was due to leave a neighbour's home. I still do that, too.

Peetle Thu 02-May-13 10:21:07

You never hear anyone playing any good music really loudly in a car do you ?

At my grandmother's funeral someone pulled out smartly from a side road and found themselves in the middle of the cortege. You'd think people would wait a decent interval if they see a hearse coming.

Delayingtactic Thu 02-May-13 10:37:38

I make the sign of the cross when I see a funeral procession (and I'm 30!). I am shocked that people actually cut up a funeral procession - I'd be like that woman mentioned above, panicking that I was suddenly in the middle and desperately trying to find a place to pull over.

meddie Thu 02-May-13 10:46:18

I was taught to stop and bow my head when a funeral procession was passing, though i don't see it as often as I did when I was a child. neighbours also closed curtains and stood at their doors also.

I once attended a little 14 month old boys funeral, the procession was long, some idiot decided he was bored waiting and started to overtake, but didnt manage to make it and ended up cutting in between the hearse and the parents car. It was obvious by the wreaths and the small white coffin that it was a baby. The distress he caused to the parents was huge.

scarletforya Thu 02-May-13 11:00:59

YANBU

Anyone who thinks a few minutes/seconds of their music is more important than respect for people in mourning is an oaf and yes, dragged up.

It's just selfish, ignorant and shameful. No manners. Eurgh!

MaxPepsi Thu 02-May-13 11:13:45

Knobs the lot of the them!

DH's gran died last year and we had some fuckwit overtake the procession so he could get out the junction first. What really annoyed us, he saw us go past before he pulled out of his drive so could have easily gone the other way to avoid us. DH wanted to go back and put something through the door later but we forgot!

A dog walker and some work men all stopped as we drove past which I thought was lovely.

Having said that, I nearly interuppted a procession once. I was on a round about - my right of way. I stopped and held up all the traffic to let the hearse and family car out in front of me so they could stay together. I very nearly carried on though as I didn't realise the following cars were family too, thankfully the driver kept on going so I didn't end up being a knob too.

gillywillywoo Thu 02-May-13 11:16:02

YANBU

I've turned music off in our car before when we have been behind a funeral even when the music wasn't even remotely loud... Just think its respectful to have some peace and quiet for a moment.
Didn't really think it was right to be staring at a coffin whilst listening to radio1 blush

GlassofRose Thu 02-May-13 11:23:42

Whilst it's not an unreasonable request, there are plenty of people who are completely oblivious to things and are so not at all out of lack of respect. We all make the odd blunder.

My old secondary school was near quite a well known East London funeral directors. Everyone I know stopped, bowed their heads and held left collars when funerals went by. But seeing as it was a daily occurrence during 30 minute lunch breaks I cant say everyone always managed it or we'd have all been chief mourners.

NeoMaxiZoomDweebie Thu 02-May-13 11:28:10

"Held left collars"? confused Why?

brummiegirl1 Thu 02-May-13 11:31:37

Yanbu how disrespectful. I remember being upset on the way to my dads funeral and this car cut in between the hearse and the funeral car that I was in. I thought they were so thoughtless and disrespectful.

Kewcumber Thu 02-May-13 11:38:39

DS's school is opposite quite a famous crematorium - if we had to wait for every funeral car to go past he'd be late for school regularly. But we are always respectful because some of the mourners will be having one of the saddest days of their lives.

WHen someone very famous was cremated here a few weeks ago I must be honest and say that we waved to crowds and photographer n the walk into school blush - in our defence no mourners or the hearse had arrived at that point.

shutitweirdo Thu 02-May-13 11:39:04

We was always told to stop. Now whenever I hear anyone has died or see a hearse I always say Safe Journey. Don't know why but it's stuck and that is what I'll teach my children to say. Doesn't take much effort or time and it can make a big difference to someone in that situation.

ItsYonliMe Thu 02-May-13 11:42:19

Mrs Jay - thank you for reminding me of a custom that I'd sadly forgotten.

Wouldn't it be great if we'd all remember to act like this instead of the flipping Farcebook "tributes" that are regularly churned out.

As for Catherine1 - I see you are a teacher. How scarey for the children in your class if you have that kind of attitude.

cozietoesie Thu 02-May-13 11:42:33

It's an old custom, Neo.

Kewcumber Thu 02-May-13 11:44:40

I don't think anybody should be allowed to do anything in rush hour. It inconveniences people who just have to drive their cars to work at that precise time.

ItsYonliMe Thu 02-May-13 11:44:48

Kewcumber - I imagine the only reason you would wave at crowds and photographers when "someone famous" is being cremated is that you want to appear in the Daily Mail.

Katiepoes Thu 02-May-13 11:45:44

Bah people can be twats. My granny's removal was to a church on a busy street in Dublin city center, no real parking so sometimes traffic has to wait while the hearse pulls in. As the funeral directors were taking the coffin out a dick in a van started beeping and yelling to 'get a fucking move on'. What did he think was being carried into the church? Absolute arse, to this day I get angry thinking of him.

gillywillywoo Thu 02-May-13 11:46:23

Just read 1Catherine1's post...blush
That can't be for real?!

HoHoHoNoYouDont Thu 02-May-13 11:50:02

Some years ago whilst attending a family funeral I had offered lifts to various family members from the church to the cemetery. We were all belted up and ready to go so I switched the ignition on and blaring out of the radio came 'Alive and Kicking' by Simple Minds. Cue bursts of nervous laughter.

TSSDNCOP Thu 02-May-13 11:57:19

1Catherine1 are you having a laugh? Most crems are so busy they have to make 9-9.30 appointments. Do you propose the deceased should be helicoptered in to avoid inconveniencing you on the school run commuters?

OP YANBU it is my greatest driving dread to pull out and find myself in a cortège.

I don't often seem to see them passing, but I often seem to walk past them parked outside the local church prior to going in, there is usually a huddle of mourners on the pavement, it feel disrespectful to just walk through but have never really found an alternative (other than to make a significant detour or try and cross the very busy road). I was brought up to stop for them passing too.

As for the booming music in cars, I think that's pretty inconsiderate any time. DH does it occasionally and you can hear it from inside the house when he pulls up on the drive, I think some drivers assume their cars are soundproof and have no idea.

RuckAndRoll Thu 02-May-13 12:04:30

Our church is opposite a school and on a busy road, when we have a funeral the council put up parking suspensions so the hearse and 1 family car can stop directly outside.

At one last year I was outside directing the arriving cars into our car park when a woman parked in the reserved spaces, I went over and said you can't park there, there's a hearse about to arrive, she went off on one about how she would only be 2 minutes as she was collecting her daughter from school early. I told her she could put it in the church car park but that she couldn't park there. She just walked off, hearse arrived, so she was blocked in when she got back with her daughter. She wrote a formal complaint to the bishop about how her daughter had been traumatised by being blocked in by a hearse etc etc.

Unfortuantely we had no sympathy as we did tell her and there were blatantly obvious signs around. Sad things is we now have to have parking wardens or police there for every funeral to ensure they can stop outside the church.

There but for the grace of God go I. It doesn't take much to have a bit of respect.

KoreRenati Thu 02-May-13 12:08:21

When mum died last year and we were in procession, random people stopped and bowed their heads. One woman did the sign of the cross, I'm not Christian but that really touched me. For all the rude inconsiderate people out there, there are some wonderful people too.

Kewcumber Thu 02-May-13 12:11:38

No photos in Daily Mail, waved because pavements were lined and whilst waiting for said hearse the crowds stood and watched us walk into school. Very odd experience having lots of people lined up watching you walk into school in the morning. Waving regally felt appropriate.

Charleymouse Thu 02-May-13 12:21:08

I am shocked at the my time is so important mentality of some people.

Having recently arranged my FIL funeral I was shocked when the funeral director said do not advertise the wake as strangers odd scrounging people will attend just for the free tea and cake. The wake was only announced in the crematorium (obviously close friends/family knew where/when)

At FIL funeral I was torn as a car overtook the hearse, the family funeral car, my car and the car behind me (all obviously part of procession) as we were setting off for the crem. I was overcome with rage and disbelief so pipped my horn. I then felt awful that I had pipped whilst part of a funeral procession. I took comfort from the fact FIL would have been horrified and would also have pipped.

Lady driving a dark blue/black mini at high speed round a funeral procession you should be ashamed of yourself!

It was an old faded red Corsa. And I wish I'd had the balls to get out and rap the window.

Have also heard that you need to be careful with funeral arrangements being announced in the local paper as burglars have been known to utilise the info and burgle the home knowing everyone is out. sad

LadyBeagleEyes Thu 02-May-13 12:26:33

I've been to two family funerals in the last three years, both my sister and my mum's.
TBH, even though I was in the funeral car each time behind the hearse, I really didn't notice anything outside.
If someone was playing loud music, I'd have just thought that life is going on for somebody, and good luck to them.

WorrySighWorrySigh Thu 02-May-13 12:37:27

Just a small thought that from the rear a funeral procession just looks like a queue of cars. Obviously, from the side it looks like what it is.

GladbagsGold Thu 02-May-13 12:41:04

I always stop and bow my head for a funeral. And made a group of school children do the same thing when helping on a school trip. I'd be shocked at anyone not doing so!

I've been in 'The Car' for 2 funeral processions and everyone we passed was respectful, thankfully. It was surreal and we felt like we should wave or something!

sudaname Thu 02-May-13 12:42:12

A local funeral director actually got knocked down last year whilst walking in front of the funeral procession by some idiot overtaking the hearse. he didn't account for anyone walking in front of it and cut back in too soon.
Luckily the funeral director is over six foot and a big strapping fella (plus complete with top hat so how the hell did he not see him hmm)so managed to stay on his feet and escaped with very bad bruising to his right leg and hip.
On a lighter note it caused a huge amount of banter and frivolity when he arrived on a stretcher in a&e in full mourning dress and hat (obv. already established wasn't seriously injured). Alarmed some of the more poorly patients aswell to see an undertaker and one said to a nurse - 'l'm not that bad am l ?' grin.
But agree OP - so rude. That is the last journey you make with them on this earth really and l think if anyone cut in between me and a loved one or interrupted it with loud music l would be tempted to get out of the car and drag them out of their car and use my grief as a defence in court ask them to pull over or turn their music down.

Worry - there was only the hearse and then loads of people walking behind. I didn't see a funeral car, and I was only about 5 or 6 cars behind them.

BeautifulBlondePineapple Thu 02-May-13 12:51:50

YANBU if someone does it deliberately, but sometimes people just don't notice.

15 years ago I was driving on the motorway heading off on holiday with my sister. it was a lovely sunny day so we wound down the windows. The song Dreadlock Holiday came on the radio and we sang along loudly with much chair dancing and larking around.

We didn't realise we were in the middle of a funeral procession.

Felt truly awful and have never forgotten it.

FreedomOfTheTess Thu 02-May-13 12:52:20

YADNBU. It's about common courtesy and respect.

Sadly that is lacking in a lot of people these days.

Jan49 Thu 02-May-13 12:52:37

If someone's car radio is on so loud that other car drivers can hear it then it's too loud regardless of what else is going on around it. I'd be more concerned about the danger to the living from someone whose concentration is likely to be affected than about respect for the dead.

Catherine, I really don't think people arrange funerals taking into account the wish of complete strangers to avoid a few minutes delay in driving to work in the rush hour. Most people have other things on their minds when they arrange a funeral and probably arrange it around relatives who have to travel long distances or what time a minister is available. My local crematorium charges £300 less if the funeral is between 8 and 9.30am rather than later so cost could also be a factor.

Whenever I've attended a funeral, the journey there is just a time of sitting in a car on a difficult and sad occasion, not part of the service IYKWIM. I don't think I'd know or care what drivers around us were doing or if someone drove between our car and the hearse. I just think it's a car driving to a funeral, not something that people need to stop their normal daily activity for. It's not like walking into the funeral service and interrupting.

Jan49 Thu 02-May-13 12:58:51

Just to add, I don't drive so there's no chance of me accidentally cutting in between one funeral car and another. I just don't think as a mourner I would ever care if someone else did.

Samu2 Thu 02-May-13 13:05:33

I was walking with my mum when I was younger and we passed a funeral car. No one was following, the hearse slowed down, opened the car door a little and wolf whistled at her.

She was shocked. The coffin was in there and it was down a quiet road with very little other traffic so I guess they thought they could get away with it shock

I will never forget that day.

BlessedDespair Thu 02-May-13 13:07:34

YABU to expect him to turn the music off
YANBU to expect him to turn it down enough so that no one outside the car can hear it

TheSmallClanger Thu 02-May-13 13:09:31

Playing devil's advocate here: what if you were on your way to a job interview or other important, time-sensitive appointment, and had perhaps already been held up? I'm thinking more here of people crossing roads or not stopping than deliberately cutting in, and obviously, this has nothing to do with the music situation.

Ages ago, I spent some time living opposite a big crematorium. While I was always generally respectful of people coming in and out, if I stopped and bowed my head and whatnot every time I saw a hearse, I would never have got anything done.

YANBU - it is bloody disrespectful and there is no excuse for it.

1Catherine1 - are you having a fucking laugh - what a completely moronic thing to say. We are planning my 42 year old BIL's funeral - the timing of it is the least of our problems - we will take the time slot we are given you total and utter pratt!!

miffybun73 Thu 02-May-13 13:12:39

YANBU

baileyb2 Thu 02-May-13 13:14:04

Long time lurker here. At my mothers funeral in 1987, the procession drove past the place where she had worked for 25 years before retirement. All the staff and managers were stood outside to pay their respects. We were very touched.

StoicButStressed Thu 02-May-13 13:15:14

Catherine1 Thu 02-May-13 09:47:15

"Hmm, I think YABU....I do however, think it is incredibly rude to plan a funeral during rush hour, I mean, the dead person is hardly going to mind if they have their funeral at 9am or 10:30am."

Are you on drugs Catherine? Or just taking the piss/having a 'laugh' or beyond not 'funny' 'joke' with your post?

As yes, of COURSE it is BEYOND "incredibly rude" (truly, WTF???) to have a funeral at XY time of day. And yeah, I'm sure the 'dead person' is 'hardly' going to mind as you are correct, they are DEAD. And that is why there is a procession of mourners behind them.

Tell me, have you ever buried a parent or a child 'Catherine'?

And no Freddie, YADNBU - unlike those who were, as someone upthread so succinctly put it, were 'dragged up' rather than raised. angry

PetiteRaleuse Thu 02-May-13 13:15:49

YANBU but I think playing music loud enough to be heard outside the car is disrespectful anyway. And dangerous.

sudaname Thu 02-May-13 13:20:05

Yes we had to wait nearly three weeks to have my fathers funeral sad and there is no way l would have turned down any time slot and not taken the first available one. Besides the reason for the long delays is because there is such a long waiting list these days (funerals are always going to be a growth industry obviously.) so if you don't take the 'rush hour' slot someone else will be given it otherwise there would be an even longer waiting time.

StoicButStressed Thu 02-May-13 13:22:32

Jan49 'Just to add, I don't drive so there's no chance of me accidentally cutting in between one funeral car and another.' 'I just don't think as a mourner I would ever care if someone else did.'

Seriously and genuinely Jan? - if 'as a mourner' you were in the family car behind the hearse with (say..) your child's coffin in, you wouldn't give a toss if some selfish wanker crammed his/her car between you and your utterly focussed eyeline/last journey together with your child?

<thinks some MNers should get their arses over to Billie & Allidiah's threads - and actually also ANY bereavment thread - for a reality check before they post such trite>

StoicButStressed Thu 02-May-13 13:25:07

BettySwollocks - X post. But agree with every word.angry

Stoic - some people just need to get their head out of their arses don't they and stop being so bloody selfish!!!

MrsDeVere Thu 02-May-13 13:28:55

I always turn the music down.
Its a small token of respect to a family on a difficult day.
I will pull over and let cars catch up if they are ordinary cars with mourners in them (you can generally tell from the clothes).

It is very upsetting when someone doesn't notice and barges in. When someone dies the reminder that everyone else's lives are going on as normal can be too much to bear.

And as for choosing when you have the funeral so as not to hold up traffic!
Have you ever had to arrange a funeral?

You don't get an awful lot of choice. My dad's funeral was at 8.30am on Christmas eve. It was either that or wait for weeks and weeks.

Billie's funeral is a blur but I do remember 'little' things worried me a lot. I can't remember what they were but all sorts of things made me anxious that day.

cozietoesie Thu 02-May-13 13:34:04

Yes they do. I remember at my Gran's funeral, during the drive to the crematorium, my normally ultra capable Aunt spent the whole journey agonizing over whether she'd put baked potatoes in the oven at the right temperature. It was just displacement thoughts.

notso Thu 02-May-13 13:37:02

There is a Church at the end of my road with a chippy opposite, there was a funeral the other day and while everyone was in the Church the undertakers were perched in the back of the hearse eating fish and chips. I though that was really disrespectful.

mrsjay Thu 02-May-13 13:38:42

It doesn't matter if a mourner doesn't mind music they are grieving and really don't notice it is disrespectful to the whole situation to have music blaring or cutting up hearses when a funeral is in prosession

LaGuardia Thu 02-May-13 13:46:09

But there would have been music/singing in the church, no? OP has obviously never been to a funeral in New Orleans.

sashh Thu 02-May-13 14:05:39

I'm forever shutting music off because I live close to the crematorium and cemetery.

I also block roundabouts so the official cars can go round, then wait until everyone dressed in black has gone through as well.

This has just reminded me of something that happened recently, it was actually the day of MT funeral.

I was driving into town and a hearse was coming the other way with a small white coffin. But there were no flowers, there did not appear to be any cars following or anything.

I hope it (the hearse) was on the way to meet a family who would have flowers and relatives. A child being cremated with just the staff would be so awful.

StoicButStressed Thu 02-May-13 14:09:32

MrsD ((((hugs))))

And the same to all others/the rest of us who HAVE buried a deeply loved one, and to whom the smallest of details/disrespect can cause HUGE painthanks

This wasn't New Orleans and it wasn't church/gospel music. It was thump thump thump and make the car shake music.

And what Stoic said. {{hugs}} to everyone who has buried a loved one and who has been hurt by any signs of disrespect.

Tee2072 Thu 02-May-13 14:12:14

Gosh I felt horrible the other day when a bus I was riding on went past a cortege without stopping or slowing or something. I'm not sure doing so would have been practical, as it was on the other side of the street and we just drove past it.

It felt so disrespectful to look out a bus window at the mourners carrying the casket down the street with the people on foot behind.

thebody Thu 02-May-13 14:18:37

Of course you should. It's empathy, respect and decency.

You either have been brought up to know these things or sadly you haven't

Pig ignorance..

StoicButStressed Thu 02-May-13 14:19:39

LaGuardia Thu 02-May-13 13:46:09

'But there would have been music/singing in the church, no? OP has obviously never been to a funeral in New Orleans.'

Err, she may well have been for all you know? But as is bloody obvious, Freddie's post was about here; this culture; and - no matter WHERE in the world - just plain basic RESPECT? Both for the deceased AND those in vast pain on what they know is their final journey with them?

To analogise what Freddie described to the music WITHIN the church - that chosen with such time, consideration, love; care; agony; wanting their loved one to be reflected by service; etc etc et-fucking-cetara - by those who have JUST been bereaved is obtuse &/or moronic in the extreme.

I'm going to hide this thread now as, as someone who buried their only parent on 5th of last month, it is as painful as it is equally inscensing to see how fucking selfish; self-centred; disrespectful; and outright moronic some people can be.

miemohrs Thu 02-May-13 14:25:04

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

miemohrs Thu 02-May-13 14:28:07

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

I live near a crematorium and cemetery and see hearses most days. I always try not to get in the middle of the procession, though it's hard to tell sometimes. Dark suits or more formal clothes are a bit of a giveaway, but plenty of funerals ask for cheerful clothes. At my exMILs funeral I was the last car in the procession, the only non limo and I was cut up twice on the way there and beeped at. sad

TheSecondComing Thu 02-May-13 14:34:37

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Charleymouse Thu 02-May-13 14:45:00

Funeral cars/processions used to go really slowly when I was younger but now they do allow for traffic and IMO are considerate to other road users and drive to rule rather than at snail pace.

The few I have been to have had a 25 yard walk with funeral director at the front leading the procession then they hop in the car and get going.

It hardly inconveniences anyone.. If other road users are in that much of a rush for an incredibly important meeting/interview etc then maybe; just maybe, they should be responsible to set off earlier and allow for traffic delays/unforseen circumstances.

You don't tend to chose a funeral time, you get offered (if lucky) a couple of alternatives which you have to fit around all family members commitments/travel times/work. You take the one which best fits.

Many people can not have a day off work for a funeral unless it is immediate family regardless of how close you are and what your relationship is, so having it first thing is ideal as you can if you have to get to work for the rest of the day.

It was at my line managers discretion that she gave me a day of compassionate leave for FIL funeral as I am not immediate family. Obviously being married to his son and mother to his grandchildren according to my employers criteria does not qualify me for leave of absence from work. hmm

sudaname Thu 02-May-13 14:47:59

Another thing is (and l have sadly been behind too many family members in last few years to realise this) you feel as though you are escorting your loved one safely on their last journey although some people might callously say well the deceased wouldn't hear music or feel anything if there was an accident for example and although logically that is true you still feel insanely protective of their worldly body. Early in the grieving process as a funeral is - their worldly body is still that person. It is too early for most grieving people to break that connection in their minds.
I remember at my dear dads funeral last year my b-I-l one of the bearers lifting his coffin into chapel slightly misjudged his shoulder lift which resulted in the coffin being jolted slightly and although there was never any danger of it being dropped, l still winced and said 'ooh careful' under my breath because my dad was in a lot of pain (secondary bone cancer at the end and l subconsciously thought the jolt would hurt him - then l remembered sad

sudaname Thu 02-May-13 14:55:06

Charley my now DHs employers wouldn't give him leave to attend my DBros funeral 4 years ago as we weren't yet married so officially he wasn't his Bro-in-law.
Never mind that he wanted to comfort the woman he loved and was about to marry on the untimely death of her Dbro.
He did attend - he told them he was going and that was that and to do their worst basically. They relented but did not pay him as they usually do for compassionate leave but he wasn't bothered about that tbh.

StoicButStressed Thu 02-May-13 14:56:17

Actually, before I hide it, a thought for those of you who think it's just dandy to piss around the dead and the mourning.

We chose to have a private cremation for my Mumma before her funeral. So we were lucky enough to avoid those of you lacking both the empathy and respect gene in any way behaving in a way that could hurt us (in the way others clearly HAVE - and bloody understandably - been hurt/affected by self-centred and blind morons like the few above).

My eldest son then - on his own, as that was what HE wanted as loved her so much he wanted to be the one that did it - carried her/her ashes from her much loved aparment in a village where she had lived SO happily for the the final years of her life; cradling her down the High Street from that apartment to the 13th century Church on same High Street.

People she knew nodded to him in silent respect as he walked - this brave but agonised boy carrying his much beloved Nanny to her funeral. And he then had the courage & strength to - just a few feet away from her and her photograph - play & sing THIS TO her and FOR her. [And if link doesn't work, just google "Soundcloud" "Archie" and "Shiver Me timbers" - ESP. those of you who HAVE written such utter trite above, as clearly YOU are the ones who need to learn what loss and love actually MEAN in RL? ]

He is 21.

He was in agony.

And he puts those of you above who have uniformedly spoute such shite to UTTER shame.

Am grateful to Freddie for her OP, as if thread changes just ONE person's attitude, then she has done a huge service to all normal & right-thinking humane & human beings.

sudaname Thu 02-May-13 15:03:18

Ah stoic that has made me cry. You must be so so proud of your DS. He obviously learned a lot from his mum and his grandmother who must have been lovely to command such love and devotion from her adult grandson.

Stoic my lovely you have mail.

You just made me cry in a good way.

I remember seeing my sons carry a close friends coffin. Them and their friends. It was incredibly moving and they were incredibly brave. They all took turns in their kit for the team they all played in and carried him miles. I was massively proud of every single one of them that day - not just my boys but every single one of them who turned out to lay their last respects to their friend.

And the young friends of theirs who turned up when their great grandma was being buried. We as a family had no idea that they were so highly thought of. And it remains one of my abiding memories of the day these young men in shirts and ties and the girls who were there in their Sunday best who thought so much of us to be tjere

haggisandneeps Thu 02-May-13 15:45:38

I always turn my radio off if driving anywhere near a funeral procession and will stop and bow my head if one passes me in the street. Its what I was always taught to do.

I'll never forget my Grandad's funeral.

A stolen car being driven at speed with the police in hot pursuit ended up behind the funeral procession. The police cut their sirens once they spotted the hearse and 2 black family cars. The driver of the stolen car, desperate to get away, started over taking the cars behind the black cars and was forced to cut in when a car came the other way... Between the hearse and the first black car shock

We all laugh about it now but at the time it made a distressing day a bit more distressing!

sudaname Thu 02-May-13 16:35:04

Your Grandad obviously didn't approve of car thiefs and decided to 'help out' before he left.smile

sudaname Thu 02-May-13 16:35:49

'thieves' even blush.

MiaowTheCat Thu 02-May-13 16:38:18

I don't turn my radio off... I don't have it on loud enough to be heard outside the car - but I live close to the crem and I'd never have it ON since I end up behind funeral processions (and the local funeral directors do a lot of horse-drawn ones so we get a fair few slow ones) fairly regularly.

Hang back and all the rest - but not going to turn my radio that's on about volume number 3 of 30 off sorry - can barely hear it myself.

drudgewithagrudge Thu 02-May-13 16:46:40

When you are driving to the funeral of a loved one it's hard not to feel that the World is still going on regardless of the pain you are feeling and the busy traffic just reinforces this.

A man told me that during his father's funeral they were driving from the church to the crem along a busy dual carriageway with cars overtaking the procession and everyone ignoring the hearse.

On the way they came to a large roundabout where a local tourist attraction were in the habit of positioning a man dressed as a knight in full armour sat on a horse all decked out medieval style. As the hearse came near the young "knight" removed his helmet and bowed his head. The man said it was the most touching thing he had ever seen and meant so much to the family.

When my Father died I stayed at Mum's house the night before and always remember a friend bringing my sons the next morning for the funeral and because we were very hard up as a single parent family friends had lent them decent dark clothes to wear and it brought a lump to my throat when I saw them.

Sirzy Thu 02-May-13 16:53:41

I always turn my radio off when a funeral passes or I am behind one. I don't have the music loud enough anyone out of the car could hear but it is something I have grown up with as a simple mark of respect for the deceased and their family.

I remember at my Grandpas funeral a white van decided that his trip was so urgent he pulled out at a junction between the hearse and the first family car angry

On a sidenote, I do wish that more undertakers would issue mourners in their own car with a black flag or similar so other cars can tell when the cars have all passed. I would never purposly break up a funeral procession but sometimes you simply can't tell.

ChestyNut Thu 02-May-13 16:57:38

mrsDV your post made me cry. The bit about the world going on with their lives being too much too bear.

That was exactly how I felt when my DF died for a long time.

I always say an eternal rest prayer if I see a hearse.

It's just respect and having empathy to acknowledge that someone has died and their families pain.

thermalsinapril Thu 02-May-13 17:43:03

YANBU

Well, I just asked DD who's 15 what she thought. And she said she would have stopped and bowed her head.

StepAwayFromTheEcclesCakes Thu 02-May-13 19:04:06

* do however, think it is incredibly rude to plan a funeral during rush hour, I mean, the dead person is hardly going to mind if they have their funeral at 9am or 10:30am.* ffs do you really think there is a choice? you take a slot when its available... there are lots of people being buried every day sooooo sorry its an inconvenience to you still living. hmm

Purple2012 Thu 02-May-13 19:20:24

People are complete cocks sometimes. When my 1st Grandad dad someone cut up the hearse. When my uncle died a lot of people from the family left for the funeral from my Nans house. We asked the neighbours if they would mind moving their cars from the front of the house for an hour as a lot of the mouners were elderly. The son in his 20s moved his, but his Dad refused! It was my Nans son that died and you would think they would have more respect.

When my 2nd grandad died lots of people stopped and bowed their heads and took off their hats as we drive past.

Jan49 Thu 02-May-13 19:27:44

Is it not possible for people to accept that we can have different views and experiences on this subject? Some people seem to think that if you don't agree with them you've clearly never suffered a loss and you're disrespectful for not doing what they think you should do.

I lost both my parents when I was a teenager and I certainly didn't see the funeral as a last journey with them or want to look at the coffin on the way to the funeral or notice what pedestrians and other drivers were doing around us and I wouldn't have suffered additional grief from a car trying to overtake. Obviously drivers and pedestrians ought to be considerate if they see a funeral cortege but please don't label all of us negatively just because we don't all have the same feelings.

LadyBeagleEyes Thu 02-May-13 19:41:07

I totally agree with you there Jan.
As I said, I've had two huge losses in the last 3 years, the last thing I cared about was random people outside the cortege. I wasn't even thinking about anything except my own grief.
I was the one, along with my sister, to do all the arrangements and I only wanted things to go right.
Which they did, and I was just grateful for that.
It was me and my family's loss, nobody elses.

ClaraOswald Thu 02-May-13 19:47:48

I was raised to stop for the funeral cars, bow my head and make the sign of the cross.

My GFIL died last November, and I remember seeing lots of people doing the same as the funeral procession went past them.

1Catherine1 Thu 02-May-13 20:19:02

Apologise if I have offended anyone confused

Unfortunately it appears I have an unpopular view on life and death. Perhaps if you knew what I have specified in my will as my funeral you will understand how detached my attitude is from yours. When I die I wish to be transported without ceremony to the crematorium for a direct cremation (No ceremony). Then my ashes are to be collected by my nearest and dearest at their convenience to be spread in the resting place of my DH, again at their convenience (Assuming he goes before me). If they want a personal gathering at the scattering event then that is their choice.

I don't understand the need to make such a show of it, and expect strangers to part-take in this show. It really is a very different view point.

GlassofRose Thu 02-May-13 20:44:31

NeoMaxiZoomDweebie Thu 02-May-13 11:28:10
"Held left collars"? Why?

^
confused...
Tradition

I always stop and bow my head. Although am glad I wasn't in town a few weeks back when there was a funeral for a young traveller man. the procession was over 400 cars long. sad

MrsDeVere Thu 02-May-13 21:14:17

I understand now 1catherine you made that comment about people being rude to plan a funeral in rush hour because you are 'different' and detached (WTF does that even mean)

You know what?

Fuck off.

Report me, delete me, whatever.

Make a show of it? I will never get to be at my DD's wedding. I got to plan her funeral instead.

How dreadfully bourgeois of me to make such a fuss hmm

Fuckwittery Thu 02-May-13 21:16:47

I was so grateful to the man I saw bow his head and make the sign of the cross immediately we left my mothers house in her funeral procession. The cars overtaking at speed, trying to cut us up, not so much. And I was in the black funeral car immediately behind the hearse, very clearly a procession.

Fuckwittery Thu 02-May-13 21:18:37

Oh, and in winter, it is very helpful to have an early morning funeral e.g. 9am so that they can get 2 a day in. We had to wait 4 weeks to bury my mother as the funeral directors were so booked up, and people had booked funerals for the middle of the day. We had to as well as people were travelling but if anyone had had a morning funeral in that time we might not have had to wait so long.

Fuckwittery Thu 02-May-13 21:19:58

It won't be up to you Catherine, your nearest and dearest may decide they want to celebrate your life with an actual service to mark your passing. And although you may wish to deny them that comfort, you won't get much of a say in it.

ParadiseChick Thu 02-May-13 21:23:27

Yanbu it's pretty basic stuff really.

Fuckwittery Thu 02-May-13 21:26:23

God your post is making me fucking angry Catherine. How dare you call a funeral a 'show'. Mrsdevere marking her daughters passing, by a song and dance display? Fine, you have chosen to be detached, how fucking disrespectful to consider it an unnecessary display for others to mark a passing, let alone utterly contemptuous towards religious beliefs which require a body to be transported respectfully from church to grave.

IRCL Thu 02-May-13 21:34:37

I always stop and bow my head.

My mum taught me this and I will teach my daughter the same.

So no OP YANBU.

ParadiseChick Thu 02-May-13 21:39:54

Hold on, what are people counting as a funeral procession? To me it's the hearse and the couple of other cars provided by the undertakers for the family that follow - you can't expect people to know that uncle bob in his Saab and cousin betty' s corsa are part of some procession.

Kewcumber Thu 02-May-13 21:42:12

Catherine - your views are pretty irrelevant your nearest and dearest may be devasted by your death and the symbolic marking of your death may be helpful to them.

You don't need to join in the "show" but being respectful to the living who are suffering by not impinging in a way that jars these already shredded nerves seems basic human decency to me.

No-one was asking in you, a stranger\ to par-take in the "show" and lets be honest that wasn't what you were commenting on when you said "I do however, think it is incredibly rude to plan a funeral during rush hour". You were whining about the inconvenience to you not making a philosophical point about how so totally cool you are about death hmm

Out of interest have you actually buried a child or a parent or a sibling?

Annunziata Thu 02-May-13 21:45:40

Paradise, you can normally tell by the clothes the mourners are wearing, despite their cars. I would always wait for them.

Catherine is too despicable to comment on.

ParadiseChick Thu 02-May-13 21:51:04

That's not a procession though that's just people in cars. Hearses are slow, it doesn't take long for traffic to build up behind them. That's fair enough, the hearse and family cars get space and respect but you can't expect other road users to know the intentions of every other car that just happens to be on the road behind the hearse and family cars. You can't blame someone for nipping out in front of a car 5 cars behind the hearse.

In fact I've never seen or heard of all the attendees tripping along behind the family cars. You just go to the ceremony.

mrsjay Thu 02-May-13 21:51:32

You don't need to join in the "show" but being respectful to the living who are suffering by not impinging in a way that jars these already shredded nerves seems basic human decency to me.

^ ^ this and I don't understand the detached thing either does catherine expect her family to suck it up and get on with it and dont organise the crematorium before 10 it is a really odd attitude to have, don't you worry your family will be upset at your death

mrsjay Thu 02-May-13 21:52:43

n fact I've never seen or heard of all the attendees tripping along behind the family cars. You just go to the ceremony.

It is after the service people normally trip behind a prosession to go to a graveside or crematorium ,

ParadiseChick Thu 02-May-13 21:53:08

Catherine isn't despicable, she has a different point of view. It seems people are all to quick to get outraged when someone they don't know takes a different view point.

ParadiseChick Thu 02-May-13 21:54:33

What so when there's not even a hearse with a coffin up front?

Annunziata Thu 02-May-13 21:57:15

Maybe it's cultural. Here everyone comes to the mass and then to the cemetery, so you can reasonably guess that the majority of cars following the hearse and family cars will be going.

It is despicable to call someone's funeral 'a show'. Have your own views on your own, fine.

ParadiseChick Thu 02-May-13 21:57:36

Sorry misread that, all funerals I've been to the service and burial/cremation happen in the same place

Delayingtactic Thu 02-May-13 22:06:31

I'm sorry but its pretty fucking horrible to call a funeral a 'show' when people have talked about burying their children, their siblings, their parents. How fucking callous do you have to be to not understand while death may not be a big deal to you it means a bloody lot to most people? To call it a 'show' is just hugely fucking disrespectful and just lacking in basic human compassion.

Delayingtactic Thu 02-May-13 22:06:53

Sorry for being so sweaty.

Delayingtactic Thu 02-May-13 22:07:06

Sweary. FFS.

Snazzynewyear Thu 02-May-13 22:07:32

Catherine On the 'selfish to have funerals in rush hour' point, here is a non-emotional response:
If you are in traffic behind a funeral procession in rush hour, and you're so frustrated at your slow pace that you are driving inconsiderately or shouting/beeping etc, then you are at fault because you have not left enough time for your journey. It's bad planning and lateness, and I say that as someone who is chronically late. There's no-one to blame but yourself and it is the height of bad manners and self-centredness to imagine that all these other people, who are holding you up, are fair game for disrespectful behaviour. People doing this should get over themselves and leave the house 10 mins earlier in the morning.

Growlithe Thu 02-May-13 22:10:24

For most funerals I have been to the extended family and close friends gather at the house the deceased is leaving from and if you are not in the cars you drive behind them in your own car. Quite easy to spot a hearse, two or three black limos and a slow stream of other cars. Understandable if they do fall behind, but usually they can keep together.

We've lost too many in our family over the last few years. It's my mum's 14th anniversary today. She was my first significant loss. I found her funeral to be very comforting, and probably helped me a lot physiologically to move on after this enormous blow to my life. I think it is quite cruel to deny your family that just because you are 'different'.

ParadiseChick Thu 02-May-13 22:19:31

That's the same as the funerals I've attended but never been in a procession, just being to the crematorium. I think it's unreasonable to expect people to know what cars are part of that.

StoicButStressed Thu 02-May-13 22:19:58

Oh MrsDeVere ....like I didn't already love you enough? winkthanks

AndKewCumber your Q for the DELIGHTFULLY empathetic 1Catherine1? 'Out of interest have you actually buried a child or a parent or a sibling?'

Funnily enough, in spite of my asking precisely that question earlier, and Ms Catherine/inconvenienced by those rude bastards having audacity to be so bloody 'rude' (again, truly WTF??? hmm ) by being buried in the rush hour having then posted since then; she didn't even acknowledge - let alone answer - that Q.

So wouldn't hold your breath for an answer to a Q made in DIRECT response to her innane commentsangry Although would not now be surprised to see some drip drip claim along those lines suddently appear

ParadiseChick Thu 02-May-13 22:20:53

Just being on the way to the crematorium that was meant to say!

StoicButStressed Thu 02-May-13 22:21:42

Growlithe

((((hugs for today)))

thanksthanksthanks

whoopwhoopbib Thu 02-May-13 22:23:58

When my nan died the funeral director stopped at the beginning of her road and got out and walked in front of the hearse towards us as we were waiting outside her flat. As he was walking a car decided to overtake and as a previous poster has said they didn't account for him to be in front and he had to jump out of the way to avoid being run over shock. Surely if you see a hearse doing 5mph you must realise it is for a reason and won't be for long so you show some respect and wait.

As another poster pointed out if you find yourself delayed by a hearse to the point of you being late it is most definitely your fault because you didn't leave earlier enough. I am often running behind in the mornings but am fully aware that it is my fault and not that of the other road users even if it does feel as though they are holding me up.

When my grandad died a couple of neighbours along the road stood in their front garden and watched the hearse go by as a mark of respect. I was only 15 at the time but I can still remember how touched I felt by this.

Sirzy Thu 02-May-13 22:26:28

* I think it's unreasonable to expect people to know what cars are part of that.*

Some issue black flags to those who are travelling with the procession in their own cars to make them identifiable which I think is something which should be done more often.

Growlithe Thu 02-May-13 22:29:21

Thanks Stoic. It's actually hit me a bit more today than it usually does. sad

Growlithe Thu 02-May-13 22:35:21

When I've been in my own car I wouldn't be cross with any other motorist for getting between me and the main party. It's one of those things and you can usually catch up.

As a new motorist I attended my uncle's funeral, got separated on the way to the crem with DSis and BIL in the car and ended up driving in through the wrong gate and missing the cremation blush. My uncle had a great sense of humour and would have loved my embarrassment.

ParadiseChick Thu 02-May-13 22:40:49

I didn't even realise that other cars had a 'place' so to speak. I thought they were just there.

DrCoconut Thu 02-May-13 22:47:02

Is the closing curtains a northern thing? DH is a southerner and had not heard of it. Having curtains shut in the day time bothers me as it means someone has died, he loves to not open them for some reason. I too remember people at their gates when my grandad's funeral passed. He was massively well known and respected in his community. It was 18 years ago and I still can feel quite emotional about it now.

Snazzynewyear Thu 02-May-13 22:48:39

I'm also bothered for the same reason when I see curtains closed in the daytime! I grew up in the Midlands and it was the done thing there for funerals.

UASGirl Thu 02-May-13 22:51:15

Catherine - well done you have brought me out for my first post on this site. It's all very well for you to be detached about death but how about those you leave behind? Do you not think they would like to remember your? Grieve for losing you? I'm glad you can see the end of your days in 'clinical terms' (hopefully not for a long time yet) but that doesn't allow for those that love you and you leave behind. Please don't be so prescriptive in your wishes that those who love you feel unable to mourn you sad

Growlithe Thu 02-May-13 22:57:22

My mum used to close our curtains (Liverpool) but I don't see it much now. A couple of women in the street always collected door to door or flowers from the street when I was little as well. I suppose neighbourhoods aren't so close now so you don't always know one of your neighbours has died.

thebody Thu 02-May-13 23:02:48

When my aunty died all of her neighbours came out to pay their respects and nodded to us.

She was the only white woman still living in the street. All her neighbours are black Pakistani, Indian and Chinese. All faiths.

It was incredibly moving for us and incredibly conferring for her son.

tigerdriverII Thu 02-May-13 23:05:30

I completely agree about respecting funeral processions and how important they are for the family and friends.

Two observations:

If you are driving normally somewhere on a dual carriage way, and there is a funeral procession, should you wait behind them, or just drive slowly past them? I have done the latter, as it's not overtaking and otherwise it feels as though you are joining the procession.

When my dad died, the hearse set off for the crematorium from a nearer destination but there was only one road. I, with DM, DH, and DS in the car, inevitably caught up with it, and as we had to be there before them, I had to overtake it. DM in particular didn't want to follow the hearse for 20 mins, it was too much for her. It was utterly surreal to overtake the hearse, I think about it now. The only good thing is my dad was a very experienced and bullish driver and would have been astonished at me not overtaking anything.

thebody Thu 02-May-13 23:11:38

When my aunty died all of her neighbours came out to pay their respects and nodded to us.

She was the only white woman still living in the street. All her neighbours are black Pakistani, Indian and Chinese. All faiths.

It was incredibly moving for us and incredibly conferring for her son.

Vicky2011 Thu 02-May-13 23:17:30

I'm afraid I think Catherine is getting an unnecessarily rough time here. But hey, clearly I'm a heartless cow too.

I wouldn't have used the word "show" but I have never been able to understand how funerals are remotely comforting to the bereaved.

All dust soon etc

apostropheuse Thu 02-May-13 23:21:32

In the village I live the person who died is normally kept in the house for two, possibly three days before the funeral. On the evening they are being taken to the church lots of the villagers, and anyone attending the funeral really, meet outside the house. The hearse arrives, the coffin is brought out of the house and then everyone follows the coffin on foot to the church. You always know when someone has died as there's a white sheet in the bedroom window where the person is.

The body lies in the church overnight and then the funeral Mass is held the following morning. After the Mass the people form a procession of cars and drive to the local cemetery as usual. Up until just a few years ago people walked from the church to the cemetery, which is about two-three miles away. But that stopped because of heavier traffic on the roads. Even now, often cars will slow down/stop if they see a funeral procession approaching. They would definitely stop and bow their heads.

It's all very respectful to the dead person and to the mourners, which is exactly how things should be. It really doesn't take much effort to think of others' feelings when you're out and about getting on with your life.

OP YANBU

When my children died my world felt like it stopped, when my son died I remember walking out of the hospital, and down the road and looking at all these people just going about their lives and thinking 'why the fuck is everyone acting so normally, my whole world has just ended', it was the same when my daughter died, we walked out of the hospital and there were people heading in who were in labour, nurses just walking about saying 'hi' to us on the way past and I wanted to grab every single one of them and shake them and make the whole world come to a standstill.

At their funerals it genuinely meant so much to me to see peoples worlds actually stopping for a moment as the car drove past, it was hugely respectful. I didn't expect it, it wasn't a 'show' (although thanks to Catherine for minimising the last thing I ever got to do for my children to no more than a pantomime) but it touched me deeply.

I have planned my own funeral (I needed to to make sure I am scattered in the baby garden with my children) and I don't want a big fuss, and I am pretty detached about my own death, I'm not worried about it at all, but I still have the respect not to be a complete and utter dickhead about people who have lost loved ones and are mourning.

WorrySighWorrySigh Thu 02-May-13 23:33:10

I guess that for some people the funeral is a comfort and the observance of local courtesies whether they be doffing of caps or closing of curtains can feel an important part of this.

My own experience doesnt chime with this. I think for my DM the funeral of her DH (my DF) was a burden. She was exhausted from having cared for her DH through his final months. Travelling in the car to the crematorium with my DM I dont think she would have noticed or cared if someone had sped past in with music blaring. I remember she didnt want a slow moving cortege, in line with her and her DH's wishes she wanted the journey to be done with as quickly as possible.

We dont all feel the same about these things.

Kewcumber Thu 02-May-13 23:50:44

I don't have a particular problem with someone not "getting" the sense of comfort that a ceremony to mark the passing of someone you loved can bring. That they were present, that they are gone and that others share your grief in the loss - I do find something both tormenting and comforting in the ceremonials.

I don;t have a particular problem with people who wouldn't bother to slow down or bow their heads or not overtake a funeral procession. Though I prefer most people to be courteous and unobtrusive (like most things in life).

I do however find the whining about people inconveniently arranging funerals in the rush hour and describing a funeral as "a show" distasteful in in the extreme and lacking in empathy to a breath-taking degree.

thebody Thu 02-May-13 23:54:20

Missymoo, so so sorry for your dreadful loss. Hugs to you.

MajorDivvy Fri 03-May-13 00:01:23

YADNBU!!
When we were in the funeral procession for a close relative recently the ammount of cars and lorries (we had to go down a motorway) that tried to cut in was incredible! It was obvious we were all together as driving really slowly (for a motorway anyway) and I found it so sad! Why someone can't turn their music off or at least down, for a few minutes is beyond me.

I must be really old fashioned cos I'm only in my late 20's and I stop and bow my head and stop singing along to my ipod etc. if I see a hearse with a coffin in come past - I even bow my head if I see one when I'm in the car! (I don't drive so am passenger so safe! )

My beloved husband's funeral was just six days ago.

His funeral was a ceremony to honour the battle he fought to stay with me; a battle he fought with determination, bravery and good humour. It was an occasion to honour his life and all the joy he brought.

It's not something I wanted to do. I would have done anything in the world to avoid being in the position of even thinking of my husband's funeral.

I find it hard to believe that anyone can honestly, really honestly, be so far removed from the grief of loss - even if that loss is a strangers that they think funerals are a distasteful show which should be planned to avoid rush hour.

Lucky them, to have no clue what it feels like to lose someone so dearly loved. I wouldn't wish this pain on anyone.

ALittleBitOfMagic Fri 03-May-13 00:03:34

YANBU . I always turn my music off if I see a funeral or floral tribute .

daisy, sad I'm so sorry your DH has died. I've seen you on the woolly hugs thread, so glad it's providing some small comfort. X

Luckily those unpleasant views are in the very small minority on this thread.

MajorDivvy Fri 03-May-13 00:25:45

Also remembered another major bit of disrespect:

When I was younger, my parent's church used to have a gang of teenage yobs boys who used to hang around in the carpark causing trouble. At the wake in the church hall after my mum's best friend's funeral they all came traipsing in, grabbed some food and shouted abuse at various members of the church congregation who were attending the funeral. The minister soon chucked them out, but I will never forget the upset it caused everyone present!
They couldn't miss the fact that it was a funeral as the hearse had only just left! I still haven't forgiven them! and they were the same kids who used to bully me at school too! Twats!

Blessyou Fri 03-May-13 00:37:26

I have a slightly different spin on this, which I have told on MN before.

DHs uncle worked for an undertaker for many years.

When he died, younger than he should, the firm took care of his funeral.

The road to the crem in his town was a long sweeping road with a large dip. He had often said, when he was driving the hearse, it was hard to keep a slow pace here, and he would love, one day, to put his foot down here and rip down that part of the road.

So his colleagues and friends obliged him on his final journey. The hearse sped along that part of the road at 40mph, down and up the dip like a rollercoaster.

MIL was in the limo behind, with his widow, they were obviously 'in on it'.

But the sight of them laughing their heads off as they sped behind the hearse on the way to the crem is one we won't forget smile

ryanboy Fri 03-May-13 09:39:22

When I was a child, people by the church used to draw their curtains if their was a funeral which apparently is a sign of respect.I remember when it was Dianas funeral people having their curtains shut too

ArthurCucumber Fri 03-May-13 09:58:48

That's what my mother used to do, ryan. We lived on the same road as a churchyard in the 1980s.

GlassofRose Sat 04-May-13 10:19:50

WorrySighWorrySigh Thu 02-May-13 23:33:10
Travelling in the car to the crematorium with my DM I dont think she would have noticed or cared if someone had sped past in with music blaring.
We dont all feel the same about these things.

This.

We all have different ways of looking at things. Some people value things or view them differently to others. Some people may not see the need to stop what they are doing because they don't see why if they have not grown up with that particular tradition. It doesn't mean they are purposely being disrespectful.

To some funerals are celebrations and to others they are day for mourning.

I've sat in traffic before whilst a funeral passes by on the other side of the road; I try not to make eye contact because I feel like it's respectful not to intrude, whilst I've seen others look directly at funeral processions and bow their heads as a sign of respectful. In all honesty whenever I've been in a funeral procession I couldn't even tell you how strangers behaved because I wasn't aware of them.

It really is hard to judge others behaviour when you have no idea of the reasoning for it.

Essexgirlupnorth Sat 04-May-13 10:28:28

Yesterday I was on my way to lunch with work colleagues and a horse drawn hearse went past. They was a girl (possibly a foreign student) taking a photo on her phone of it. Me and my colleague though that was a bit weird.

Nanny0gg Sat 04-May-13 10:58:19

Weird is taking photos of the floral tributes after imo. Although I suppose you don't really take them all in at the time.
And for those who 'don't see it the same way' - that's fine, but there is still no need for the utter disrespect for those who like the comfort of tradition.
For some, it helps.

Sirzy Sat 04-May-13 11:08:29

We have taken photos of floral tributes on my grandparents grave before now. My aunt lives overseas and sends money to put flowers on occassionally so we take a picture to show her.

WorrySighWorrySigh Sat 04-May-13 13:09:40

I can understand the taking of pictures. It is one sadness that I cant remember things about my DF. We married before there were video cameras available so we have no record of my long dead DF's speach.

Horsemad Sat 04-May-13 23:35:25

I found it distasteful when MIL requested photos of floral tributes at her DF's funeral. Not something I would do.

2rebecca Sun 05-May-13 09:15:59

Often there isn't a big choice of times with a crematorium and later times get booked up earlier because people prefer later times because it gives relatives etc more time to get there.
Also most mourners would rather not be involved in rush hour traffic. If the first slot is all that's left though and that fits in with relatives, any vicars/ speakers etc then you take it and other people just have to be patient.
People who play loud boomy music tend not to care about other people's opinions or pleasure anyway though.

ZebraOwl Sun 05-May-13 10:49:42

YANBU

It is not a big thing to ask that people show some respect for the bereaved - am genuinely shocked & rather sickened by the attitudes shown by some people on this thread. I can only think that the people who've described funerals as "shows"/whinged about being inconvenienced/generally been dismissive of traditions surrounding funerals & mourning are lucky enough to have never experienced the death of someone close to them. The whole thing about people being in their own little world in their car & oblivious of funeral processions is really very worrying: if you are driving you need to be paying attention to what is going on around you!

I am ten days away from the 19th anniversary of my mother's death. There was certainly plenty to attract attention on the day of her funeral, but it certainly wasn't a show. Our front garden was full of floral tributes as was the pavement in front of the house - spreading along to in front of our neighbour's houses. Thankfully the woman who was all set to try & pick her way through them was stopped from doing so by a neighbour. I think all the curtains on the road were closed & people who were at home that day came & stood by their front gates.

I didn't travel in one of the funeral cars. I didn't go to the crematorium. I didn't even sit right at the front of the church because I couldn't bear to. Because if I did, it meant that it was my Mummy in the coffin & it was real. I still can't bear to hear "Morning Has Broken" because I have flashbacks to walking up the aisle of the church behind the coffin holding Daddy's hand & clutching my Sweep the dog to me with the other. I didn't wear black partly because Mummy didn't like seeing children in black & partly because going out to get new clothes for us wasn't exactly on the agenda in the aftermath of her sudden death. (Sweep wore a black tie though.) The church (which is HUGE) was so full some people had to stand. Mummy was a teacher & as well as as many of the staff who could be spared attending the funeral the whole of her Tutor group came - they also made a card for us all - full of memories of her, too, not "just" signed by them.

The day of Mummy's funeral is burnt into my brain. Had I had to endure shitty behaviour from stupid-selfish strangers the whole thing would have been even more traumatic than it already was. It was bad enough that when most of the children present (my then-13-year-old brother didn't come) went to the park at the top of the road to escape the horrendously grief-laden atmosphere of the house we got stopped by a random woman demanding to know why we weren't in school. Because apparently she thought a group of smartly-dressed (in sombre colours) children, all of whom had obviously been crying, were bunking off. Her reaction to that managed to make me feel horrendously guilty for having left the house.

Funerals reflect the wishes of the deceased &/or their family. Thing is, as you can't know what those were if you're not involved, it is the decent thing to err on the side of caution. They MIGHT [have] be[en] delighted if you broke into a tap routine/rugby song/series of cartwheels. You risk hurting the mourners by doing so if that's NOT the right thing, so it is best not to do anything that will interfere with what's going on, be that blast your music or cut into the procession. Stopping as the funeral party pass/bowing your head/crossing yourself/doffing your hat is not interfering - it is a respectful reaction that can mean a lot to mourners & as such is a good thing to do. It is one of those small things that can have a huge impact.

This has taken me so long to write the thread will probably have moved on massively. Ho-hum.

Much sympathy-empathy to all those who have had to endure the death of someone(s) dear to them. Growlithe, I hope today is as unawful as is possible. Sometimes it amazes me that it can still hurt so much, but as well as acknowledging there are fresh hurts in the points in my life when I specially want her there (e.g. graduation) I also know that the pain is the flipside of the wonderful relationship I had with my mother. I could not hurt so much had I not been so loved - which is why I miss my grandparents so much too. The love is worth the pain, though - and the memory of it is so comforting.

Lilypad34 Sun 05-May-13 11:32:52

YANBU, it's respectful to turn music off in this instance. I was also taught that you should never over take a hearse either.

GlassofRose Sun 05-May-13 12:57:45

The whole thing about people being in their own little world in their car & oblivious of funeral processions is really very worrying: if you are driving you need to be paying attention to what is going on around you!

^
being in your own little world is different to not being aware of hazzards. I could be singing along to stevie wonder the whole journey and not taking a lot of notice of the world going by but completely aware of hazzards. Have you never had a passenger say "did you see that" and replied "no, because I'm driving" ?

2rebecca Sun 05-May-13 14:51:57

I have unknowingly joined in funeral processions if the hearse was way in front and I just saw ordinary cars, that is different to being just behind a hearse where the director is walking. That should be obvious.

Growlithe Sun 05-May-13 23:40:08

ZebraOwl that was a very very powerful post. I'm sure it took a lot of strength to write it. When my mum died I was 31, but I felt like a little girl again. I can't even imagine what it was like to actually be a little girl in that awful situation. Thank you for writing it.

It all goes to show, we can brashly imagine what death will mean to us when it comes knocking on our door, but we actually haven't got a clue - even when we think we know ourselves.

If you have an ounce of humanity in you, and if you do recognise it is a funeral procession (when at all possible), the best thing to do would be to stop and politely bow your head. Just to reach out a bit to the people who might be in the cars. They are possibly going through one of the most traumatic events of their lives.

worried90 Mon 06-May-13 00:16:42

I don't even remember when I got taught how to behave for a funeral procession. I'm 29 but would always bow my head/block a roundabout and never overtake
I've been out riding before and had a procession come past, I always stop horse, bow head and drop hand (like a salute in dressage for horsey people!). I don't know why, I just do it. An elderly man mouthed thank you out the window of the car at me once for doing it so I've carried on. Respect and "but for the grace of God" takes 2 minutes out your day and makes a difference

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