Long term crush on colleague

(129 Posts)
Iamanananas Wed 01-May-13 22:31:51

I have been married with DW for over 2 years, with her for more than 10. Things have not been great for a while. Not completely sure when it started but I reached a point when I lost all my confidence at home. I started to have a crush on my colleague almost 2 years ago. she is in a long term relationship with DB and I don't think she has even realised I like her. I started counselling a few months ago as the crush did not stop and my relationship with DW was not Improving. The crush started quite a while after the realisation that my relationship was not going the right way and i never had a crush until I met her. I know that DC is unreachable but I cannot stop thinking about her all the time. The more i go to counselling the stronger my feelings for DC become. it hurts so much and the guilt feeling is so intense!! I have not done anything wrong (yet) and, in some ways, I am proud of it and I am really trying to get thing working with DW. I'm so fed up to feel like this, and really feel abnormal in some ways. Has anybody been in a similar situation?

quoteunquote Wed 01-May-13 22:39:52

You have a crush on your brother's girlfriend who you work with?

I'm sorry I couldn't make sense of your post,

I understand you have a crush, you would like to get over the crush and make it work with your wife?

or you would like the crush to break up with DB (darling brother?) and you and her get together?

you need to clarify.

Mollydoggerson Wed 01-May-13 22:46:18

I think I get it.

DC Dear crush
db - Dear boyfriend (of crush).

Why are you staying with your wife, if you can't stop thinking about others, why not end it?

Iamanananas Wed 01-May-13 22:58:08

Sorry not completely used to mums net abbreviations yet. DC is colleague, DB is her boyfriend...

I am staying with DW because I have this strange feeling that leaving her would not be the right decision, that we are married and I therefore should should try to work things out.

ApocalypseThen Wed 01-May-13 22:59:47

Leaving her for a woman who shows no interest in you would be a mistake.

Leaving her because you're unhappy would not.

Iamanananas Wed 01-May-13 23:04:35

This is exactly what I think and I always expected the crush to go away. But it does not and it drives me nuts because it does not make any sense. I am pretty sensible person most of the time and i manage to be realistic about most things in life. But I don't understand why I'm still crazy about DC after so long and knowing that nothing has happened between us.

LessMissAbs Wed 01-May-13 23:22:51

Of course your colleague might not fancy you. Having a long term crush on someone without any evidence they fancy you back is a bit obsessive. Are you confusing her sharing a workplace with you with sharing some interest with you?

It sounds like you are using this odd crush to avoid thinking about your marriage.

HoveringKestrel Wed 01-May-13 23:26:54

I think the fact you call it a crush is exactly what it is. Youre possivly using this crush as a form of distraction from what is otherwise making you unhappy.

Its not the crush you should be focusing on but more the factor of why you feel unhappy. Your sense of anxiousness about leavong DW is possibly just a fear of change and the crush being a form of escapism.

So you are going to counselling so that you can talk about your crush, and you are surprised that this is not helping?

Have you thought that you might be fanning the flames in counselling rather than extinguishing them?

To be honest, I think you should leave your wife rather than string her along if the marriage is not right for you. It is most fair on both of you to give your wife her freedom. If you have had a crush the entire time you have been married, it is rather pointless. And not fair on your wife at all!

LimitedEditionLady Wed 01-May-13 23:33:56

Erm....you work with this woman all the time and she doesnt know?not an inkling?she must have noticed something surely if your feelings are so intense?
I think you are looking to another because you arent happy in your relationship.you maybe see this woman at work as an escape in your mind and its kind of a safe fantasy because you know deep down it wont happen.
doesnt mean you cant work on it with your wife and that youll never get through it,people have rough times and forget why they fell in love in the first place.

LittleMissLucy Thu 02-May-13 00:04:37

I agree with QOHara on the seeing a counsellor front - its not helping, is it?

I don't advocate your LEAVING your wife though as I don't have enough knowledge about the pair of you to suggest that (and god, everyone is always suggesting that on here, at the drop of a bleedin hat!!)

What I would say is that a crush is your way of seeking an outlet for feelings which exist within you but aren't currently satisfied by your existing relationship.

I think you need to focus on your wife and work out what you both need, together as a couple. I imagine having a new child has put strain on your and possibly distance between you. And you must put your crush out of your mind. Really work on that as its like a habit you're indulging and only you can control it and you know that you can, ultimately.

Iamanananas Thu 02-May-13 08:16:40

You all made very good points and in some ways confirming my thoughts. The counselling is more about trying to understand this general sense of unhappiness and trying to make things work. I think it helps (it's good to be able to somebody!!). I really feel guilty about thinking about my colleague and acknowledge completely that I must be a bit obsessed/living a little fantasy, but despite that I am still mad about her (@ limited edition: I really don't think she knows, I work SO hard at hiding my feelings!!). Sometimes I really feel I should speak to her and explain my feelings but I am so scared about the repercussions on my working life and ultimately the effects it would have on my relationship... what do you think?

Xmasbaby11 Thu 02-May-13 08:29:30

I wouldn't speak to her. There's no evidence she is interested, and it will only make things awkward, especially since you work together. I feel your crush could be on anyone and is a symbol of your relationship problems.

DeepRedBetty Thu 02-May-13 08:43:08

Please don't tell your colleague. You know exactly what will happen - everyone will just be hideously embarrassed.

Is there any chance you could transfer to somewhere, so you're no longer seeing her all the time. 'Out of sight out of mind' is too simplistic a way to put it, but it would stop you having to spend a lot of mental energy in trying to avoid exposing your feelings, and give you time to focus on your relationship with the woman you must have loved enough to marry.

You leave one relationship before you start exploring the next.

If you need an adrenaline rush, or your life is so boring that you need to take risks both in your working life and marriage, how about taking up a new sport? Mountain biking? Sailing? Climbing? Squash?

At least, you wont end up sacked, humiliated or divorced!

The other woman is going to think you are a total creep if you declare any feelings for her as long as you are married, and she is in a relationship. She will think you a scumbag!

fuzzypicklehead Thu 02-May-13 11:38:10

I have a long-term crush on Robert Downey Jr. I'm not going to leave my husband in the hopes that he'll return my affections. Nor do I feel the need to chat to a therapist about it or contact him to let him know just how I feel. Because that's when it stops being a nice diversion and becomes plain frickin' creepy.

The whole point of a crush is that you know it's not requited and so you spend a few minutes daydreaming about it and then you get on with your life. Making your feelings known when she's involved with someone else is both impractical (don't shit where you eat) and selfish. Why involve this innocent person in your mental drama? If you can't put her out of your head, then get a different job.

If you can't make your marriage work, then end your marriage. But don't use some non-relationship as an excuse.

aldiwhore Thu 02-May-13 11:50:54

I think you have to separate the issues.

Issue one is your marriage, what time limit have you put on it to sort things out? Have you both tried counselling TOGETHER? Because just sorting your own head out really won't help. Best not to mention the crush, I feel it's probably symptomatic of your misery, whenever my marriage goes through a distant patch, my crushes and daydreams become more instense, to deflect the feelings of misery.

Issue two is working with someone you have a major crush on. You say nothing has happened yet, so if you and she were stranded in a hotel, and the opportunity arose would you take it, even though she has a boyfriend and you are married? If so, you have to ask would you accept the consequences? Because if you want your marriage to work, and want to keep your job, that's a hell of risk to take.

A friend of mine recently left her workplace and got a new job because something would have happened eventually with her colleague, she had real feelings for him, and he felt the same, but she was not prepared to have that be the excuse for her marriage breakdown - her marriage strangely got better once she left and wasn't being tortured by what ifs every day. Coincidence maybe?

For you marriage to have a chance at all I think you need to fully commit to your marriage, so perhaps that means physically leaving the place that tortures you, or, more difficulty, emotionally leaving those daydreams.

I wish you luck, it's not a pleasant situation to be in, very confusing, and I think trying to work through both things at once is too much. If your colleague and you are supposed to be together, it will happen even if you're not seeing each other all the time. Likewise, if your marriage is doomed, it will die on it's own even after 100% commitment to trying.

Working through both issues at the same time will inevitably lead to some bad decision making... (even if 5 years down the line it all works out!)

And dont let some non relationship prevent you from building a good marriage and life with your wife.

FWIW, I have a crush on Jeremy Renner. He has replaced Captain Jack Sparrow. I can fantasize about either, it is quite safe. There is no chance that Mr Renner will knock on my door and ask me out. (And if he did, I would actually decline as I dont need some actor woo me when I have perfectly good and decent husband, who looks quite like him wink )

It occurs to me that you are putting up barriers and being quite emotionally unavailable. You keep your wife at an arms length because you have a crush. You have a crush on a woman who is in a relationship, who works with you, so is wrong for all the wrong reasons.

Time for you to start exploring why you have made yourself emotionally unavailable to your wife, while at the same time you focus on a woman who herself is emotionally unavailable to you. What are you scared of?

Januarymadness Thu 02-May-13 11:56:27

do you have any children with your wife? I would suggest you are displacing your unhappiness in your relationship with the idea of happiness elsewhere. All long term relationships have rough patches and need work. If you want it to work concentrate on that. If not walk away....

maddening Thu 02-May-13 13:50:37

So what are the problems with your relationship with your wife? They are what you should be focusing on - not the woman who you have a crush on.

What is different now to when you first fell in love with dw?
Has she changed?

Iamanananas Thu 02-May-13 13:55:01

I am surprised you are not all trying to cut my throat open , that's reassuring!

DW and I always had ups and downs, just like in any other relationships and always to work things out by being very open. But this time, we don't seem to manage to make things work. In fact I don't manage to trust myself/her to make things work. We both try very hard, but each time I try to verbalise my feelings she blocks me in some ways, telling me that what I say is not what I feel for example. It is very hard to take from somebody you are close to. Don't get me wrong, she is really a good person and I am sure you would all find her great but she always has to be right , whatever it takes, and it is difficult to deal with on a daily basis and I don't manage to make her understand that I am struggling more and more with it.

For the colleague, I really cannot leave my current job, it's the job I always dreamt of and the business would not work without me (it's not my business but almost...). I really don't understand why i continue to be attracted to a woman who is not "emotionally open to me". It's not my style... or I thought it was not!! I always knew that imagining a possible relationship with this girl would be stupid but I don't seem to be able to help it. It is so strange and very disturbing...

Iamanananas Thu 02-May-13 13:55:48

DW would like children but I don't think it is a great idea right now!

maddening Thu 02-May-13 14:04:54

So when you verbalise your concerns with dw how do you approach her?

Is there any reason she might be more closed off than she used to be? Have you changed your approach towards her possibly on account of the crush?

Iamanananas Thu 02-May-13 14:17:51

I have now great difficulties to approach her as I have the feeling that whatever I say DW will tell me it is wrong or she won't take it the right way or, as I said earlier, she will tell me that what I say is not really what I mean.

She is completely closed off now because she knows I am not happy and she thinks that I will leave her. I try to reassure her and explain to her I don't want to. I gave a lot away for this relationship and it gave me a lot back. But she does not seem to trust me anymore and I have the feeling that whatever I do/say is not right and with the feeling of not being trusted anymore, it has become very difficult.

I try to tell myself as much as possible that my crush on the colleague is a fantasy (because it is) but despite that I am still attracted to the colleague. I don't think my crush has changed me that much. It maybe made be less patient with DW and realised that I was right sometimes (That sounds harsh!!)

Timetoask Thu 02-May-13 14:30:06

Are you having couple's therapy?
You obviously need to work on trying to salvage your marriage. Your DW seems to be very closed to discussion.
Could you try writing a letter to her telling her more or less what you've said here? (dont mention crush obviously).
I see what you mean about her wanting to always have the final word. That can be very tiring.

How long have you known the crush for? What is it you like about her?

LittleMissLucy Thu 02-May-13 17:42:59

Ah I am sorry I thought you had a small child. Without the strains of that you're already in a bit of a sorry place together. I don't see how starting a family would help it and it could make it worse...

I would actually suggest considering the possibility of splitting up. Couples therapy would help you with either eventuality - staying together or parting ways.

LimitedEditionLady Thu 02-May-13 18:37:56

In answer to should you tell your crush.
Absolutely not.
You clearly want to stay in that job and it is completely unprofessional and would be really arkward for her and yourself and from.then on she might misconstrue the way you act and things you say.i was tryibg to determine if it was a fantasy because i think if it wasnt shed have surely picked up on it.
I think its time you stopped basing this on your crush,its a crush,this is not why your relationship doesnt work.people find other people attractive and endearing,thats fine,its not fine to blame your problems on it.
You need to find that spark with your wife again.go on dates,go on holiday.get out of the humdrum.dont bicker over little things,choose your battles,you need to create calm between you.
Tell her shes beautiful and tell her the things you love about her.she might be offish at first as you have been fighting but its worth the effort.

HullMum Thu 02-May-13 18:43:10

get a new job

maddening Thu 02-May-13 20:50:55

do you think that this crush started around the time you felt distanced from dw? Do you think it was a cause or symptom? It sounds like your dw is closed off as she feels v hurt - like a child with her fingers in her ears going "lalala I can't hear you".

Do you want the relationship with your dw to work? Or do you think you are sabotaging it to give yourself permission to go after the crush?

do you still love your wife? What about her attracted you to her? Is any of that still there?

would you try couple's counselling rather than therapy focusing on the crush?

Iamanananas Thu 02-May-13 20:53:36

To time toast: I'm thinking about couple therapy but I feel to need to get the crush thing sorted out first. DW is not against it though. The letter may be a good idea. The crush has been there for almost 18 months. Why do I like her? We get on well, she is obviously pretty (I remain a man!) and fundamentally I have this strange feeling we would work well with each other. I am quite sure that she liked a lot once she started working with me but, at that time, I did not want to push things further as I thought she was only a crush, that it would go away and prioritising my DW was the right to do. Unfortunately the crush did not go away.

To limited edition: here is the problem, I do try to make her feel special by buying presents/flowers regularly and I tell her she is beautiful everyday ( and she is). But it is never enough it seems. I think she is so anxious about our relationship that I am in a place of no return and it feels that whatever I do it will never be enough.

maddening Thu 02-May-13 20:57:40

I would feel anxious if I was your wife - she must sense that for sure.

if she left you tomorrow how would you feel (ignoring the crush)

Mumsyblouse Thu 02-May-13 21:14:34

Unfortunately for you, your wife has picked up that you are not madly in love with her any more. Your crush started about 2 years ago, just after you got married (what's that about then?), whereupon you lost interest in her as your romantic partner. No wonder she is not reassured, for the past two years instead of being thrilled to be married to her, you have been pining over someone else. She may well suspect this unless you are the world's best liar. So, forget the flowers and telling her she's beautiful, actually you spend all your time mooning over someone else who you believe you are in love with and I feel very very sorry for your wife; she is perhaps wondering where the hell the man she married has gone.

Your wife does not sound bad whatsoever, your worst complaint is 'she always wants to be right' (so do 90% of the population, i certainly do!)This is not a reason to leave her or for your marriage to fail! You need to decide if she is the woman for you, if not for god's sake put her out of her misery, making a life with a man in love with someone else is a pretty horrid way to live and you owe her more than that.

I think you are wrong you can't leave your job, I honestly think this is the best course of action if you can't stop this crush (which is bordering on obessive unrequited love, not the same as fancying Jonny Depp on a Sat night in a movie really). Or put it this way- if you stay, your wife will continue to feel distanced and worry you are leaving (which is true) and you will continue to moon over this lady.

Your marriage sounds perfectly saveable, workable, you don't seem to want to try, frankly and are being somewhat indulgent in your crush. I'm not unsympathetic to a point, I've had crushes (who hasn't) and enjoyed them for what they are, but really, if I thought a crush was threatening my marriage, I would change myself, my job, and avoid the person if I really felt so uncontrollably about them.

quoteunquote Thu 02-May-13 21:15:25

When you first met your wife what did you do together for fun, what was your fun?

and do you still do what ever that was together?

I do and don't mean sex,

if sex is the only thing you ever did together for fun you are in trouble anyway, what did you get up to when you were hanging out?

It takes a hell of a lot of hard work to make a relationship last, it only gets better and better, if you nurture it, if you work at it,

you are right you do need to drop the crush, and you do need to focus on your relationship.

stop killing your relationship.

Mumsyblouse Thu 02-May-13 21:18:54

And- just in case you are in doubt, don't wait for the crush to subside before you start working on your marriage (couples therapy, just being interested, doing things together, going away etc). Your crush is rampant precisely because you are pouring all your emotional energy into this fantasy and not into your real life, and your wife (rightly) has realised you are distanced and unavailable and is reacting to that.

There is a saying: fake it til you make it. Don't give your wife flowers or a mealy mouthed compliment (given you clearly find the other woman more attractive): get therapy together, work on the relationship, take her out for dinner and really listen to her, have fun, take up a hobby. It's only by starting to reengage with your real life that will make your fantasy life receede.

Iamanananas Thu 02-May-13 21:19:33

My heart tells me to try to "seduce" my crush and start everything again with her.

My head tells me that my heart is a knob, that my colleague is not attracted by me, that I have been with DW for 10 years, we achieved great things together and that this bad period will hopefully get better.

Mumsyblouse Thu 02-May-13 21:27:07

Iamananas I don't think you are hearing what some of us are saying and you do love talking about your crush rather too much, which is why the therapy isn't helping. There's no sign this lady likes you, and you are building your life on a fantasy and you are not engaging with your real-life.

PlasticLentilWeaver Thu 02-May-13 21:30:54

Hullmum got there before me.

Get a new job.

Iamanananas Thu 02-May-13 21:32:45

Point taken! I just don't know how to make myself happy in my relationship anymore and feels stuck.

hely84 Thu 02-May-13 21:35:37

My heart tells me to try to "seduce" my crush and start everything again with her.

OP - what makes you think your crush would want to "start everything again with you", espcially if you haven't said anything to her?

LittleMissLucy Thu 02-May-13 21:36:50

I think you're being a bit unfair to your wife and a bit of a self-indulgent arse, truth be told.

BOF Thu 02-May-13 21:42:32

"I gave a lot away for this relationship and it gave me a lot back."

What do you mean by this exactly? Did you leave somebody else to pursue your wife?

Lilica02 Thu 02-May-13 21:46:45

We just know when someone like us ... come on!! Is just sad to hear that this crush is being going on for 18 months!!! Tooo long! You should sort your life out ... if you feel that you like this DC that much ... first you should end your marriage, be fair and then go take this so high risk !!!

dogsandcats Thu 02-May-13 21:49:07

In your op you say you "lost all confidence at home". Why?

dogsandcats Thu 02-May-13 21:50:16

You are using a crush at work like a woman might possibly read a romantic novel - neither of them are real or true.

maddening Thu 02-May-13 21:52:04

I think then that you have been sabotaging your marriage so you are free to pursue the crush - who is in a relationship already. I think much of what you criticise your wife for has arisen from your detatching from the marriage causing anxiety for your wife.

I think you owe it to your wife to fully explore whether your relationship is still there and worth saving - separately from this crush - I think move from therapy (indulgent musings on crush) to couples therapy.

I think you should do this soon so if the conclusion is that your marriage is over then you aren't wasting any more of your wife's life while you stare wistfully across the office.

I think that you owe it to her to make a real effort and if no joy a clean break before you go seducing anyone - to do otherwise would be really spineless on your behalf.

dogsandcats Thu 02-May-13 21:53:28

This may make you feel sad.

Agree with others. You need to concentrate on your marriage, and see if that is salvagable.

I do agree with you that if she is shutting you off emotionally, then there is a problem.
But if you take you concentration of the woman at work, hopefully your wife will notice and you may then be able to have a heart to heart.
And at some point, it may be a good idea to go away together alone for a few days, to see how you both feel.

Iamanananas Thu 02-May-13 22:08:57

I don't think the counselling is just to speak about the crush. I really try to make sense of all of it. I unfortunately do not have anybody to speak about this and really thought that counselling was a good idea. I even did some last year and stopped because the counsellor seemed to be too much on my side.

If I am at the stage of writing on mums et, it is because I really try hard. I am not shy with effort and tends to be very hard with myself.

All your views are very interesting though and are helpful.

AnyFucker Thu 02-May-13 22:10:59

OP, you sound like a whining, self entitled moron with the emotional intelligence of a cockroach

Leave your wife, for her sake

You fucked up someone else's life to be with her after all, didn't you ?

Make a move on your colleague...you deserve the utter humiliation that will engender

You might be lucky to keep your job....you certainly won't hold on to anything else like the respect of the people around you and any credibility as a halfway decent person at all

LimitedEditionLady Thu 02-May-13 22:19:21

i still maintain she,the crush,must know.what did you mean with start everything again with your crush?what are you starting again?
you said you "cant make yourself happy in your relationship"yes,you are very right.you cant make yourself happy in it.
you know exactly your decision.
i think theres things you arent saying here and you are making it seem tangled
but not as tangled as it truly is.

maddening Thu 02-May-13 22:22:41

but your counselling hasn't been focusing on your marriage has it?

hely84 Thu 02-May-13 22:45:31

OP - given that your crush is "unreachable" as you say surely the issue here is your relationship with your wife?

If you don't love her or respect her, the best thing is to part. Why would either of you want to stay in a relationship that is unhappy, if you don't even have children?

These crushes come and go, really they do. I have had feelings in some way similar to yours, although there is family on both "sides", and as intense as these feelings can be, they will pass.

I also wonder why you take this so seriously when you seem to have had no response from your colleague?

LessMissAbs Thu 02-May-13 22:46:21

I agree with the poster above who suggested getting some kind of hobby or taking up a sport. You sound bored and its as if this crush has become your interest in life. Its at work because that seems to provide your main social stimulus.

Its entirely inappropriate in the workplace, particularly if its unreciprocated, the fallout for you and your career could be very serious indeed.

Its also rather childish.

BimbaBirba Thu 02-May-13 23:11:24

Anyfucker that's a bit harsh! Cut him some slack. He hasn't really done anything wrong.
We don't get to chose who we fall for but we can chose whether to act on the feelings or not and so far the OP
has behaved quite decently.
I don't understand why you would belittle his anguish. It really doesn't feel good to go to bed night after night feeling like you're sleeping next to the wrong person.

AnyFucker Thu 02-May-13 23:15:20

There is a solution to that, and it doesn't involve making a complete pillock of yourself in the workplace, nor does it comprise disrespecting the person you made vows to

if you no longer want to "sleep next to" that person, do the only decent thing and dissolve the marriage

Mumsyblouse Thu 02-May-13 23:17:48

It doesn't feel that nice sleeping next to a person who you know doesn't really want to be with you any more. His wife knows this, deep down. She's even said she's worried about him leaving. And, she's right to worry.

BimbaBirba Thu 02-May-13 23:20:51

Not always. Sometimes relationships get much stronger and better after a rough patch if you manage to get through it.

BimbaBirba Thu 02-May-13 23:24:44

Really who are we to say that this marriage is over and he should leave? If the OP eventually manages to get this crush out of his system and works hard at his marriage at the same time, in a few years' time he might rediscover that person he fell in love with and have an even stronger relationship.

AnyFucker Thu 02-May-13 23:25:30

A "rough patch" is it ?

Op is acting like a lovestruck buffoon and his wife knows it.

He will be lucky to "get through this" with his marriage and work profile intact

It won't be down to him if that actually occurs though...it will be down to the women in his life indulging him and overlooking his idiocy

A bit like you are doing, BB

Don't worry though, it's quite common for men to be indulged in this way. It happens all the time. It's because they have a cock, I am led to believe.

BimbaBirba Thu 02-May-13 23:29:17

It could have been a woman writing that OP anyfucker.
I don't understand what having a cock has to do with it and why you think that us women are better than that?

Mumsyblouse Thu 02-May-13 23:31:12

I don't think the OP should just leave. I've suggested lots of ways he could revitalise his marriage, as have other posters. But in all honesty, the OP doesn't seem to be wanting to go down this route because he's spending lots of time mooning over his colleague

BimbaBirba Thu 02-May-13 23:32:26

I agree that telling her (the colleague) is a truly ridiculous and self indulgent proposition though (unless the OP
is 15)

AnyFucker Thu 02-May-13 23:35:14

Bimba, think very carefully before you answer this

Do you think so many excuses and rationalisations are made for women who act like this ?

or do they receive a disproportionate amount (in general society) of judgement for looking outside of their marriage and not "working" on relationships

Leave your colleague alone. It is not her fault that you have developed a childish obsession with her. She does not owe you anything apart from professional courtesy, and while she may well be aware that you slobber and fiddle with yourself every time you look in her direction, she will be pretending that it isn't happening because she doesn't want any kind of romantic interaction with you. It would be unethical and unprofessional of you to insist that she takes notice of your penis feelings.

If your marriage isn't working, end it. But don't end it because you think that this will then entitle you to affection/sex/dates with the colleague who is not romantically or sexually interested in you. She is a person with her own life to lead and if she thinks of you at all it's probably as 'that loser drooling over me who gives me the creeps.'

BimbaBirba Thu 02-May-13 23:41:54

Honestly anyfucker, I don't think women receive more bad press than men do for cheating (or thereabouts). I agree that they're judged differently: the woman is the slut and the man the home wrecker but both equally bad IMO

blueshoes Thu 02-May-13 23:48:13

I agree with Bimba.

AnyFucker Thu 02-May-13 23:48:43

it's not a gender reverse thread though is it, bimba

this bloke here is thinking with his cock and deserves to be pulled up on it, not excused and patted on the head with glib promises he could "end up with a stronger relationship"

I hope his wife leaves him, tbh

blueshoes Thu 02-May-13 23:49:55

People don't necessarily notice colleagues have crushes on them. My boss had a crush on me for 8 years. I never noticed! I left the company when he finally confessed.

FairPhyllis Thu 02-May-13 23:50:30

You say you have not done anything wrong - yet. But you have. You have allowed yourself to become emotionally entangled with another woman and you are wallowing in it. No wonder your wife is closed off and anxious. She will be able to sense that you are emotionally distant.

You need to leave your wife if you don't want to be with her. If you want to be with her you need to change jobs and work on your marriage. It is up to you. Your wife can't do anything, because right now she doesn't know the full truth about her marriage. Because you are concealing it from her.

blueshoes Thu 02-May-13 23:53:50

A crush could end suddenly if something happens that changes its trajectory or you don't feed it, even if it has been going on for 18 months. Find something that will flip the switch - I wish I knew what. It usually means something else to occupy your thoughts - could be your DW, work or a new hobby.

LimitedEditionLady Fri 03-May-13 00:02:45

How is he thinking with his cock anyfucker?
Did you just pluck that from the sky?
so because hes a man it means he cant be attracted to someone for more than the reason of having sexual relations with them?
A person is a person. is it right to make a judgement about what someone feels based on theur genitals?

AnyFucker Fri 03-May-13 00:08:29

My heart tells me to try to "seduce" my crush and start everything again with her.

Yes, he is interested in her love of poetry. Indeed.

LimitedEditionLady Fri 03-May-13 00:13:13

Yeah because he can write every feeling he has on here on a thread.
Did you read the bit about him starting everything again with her? Or did you just block that bit out because you seem to think that men only want a relationship for sex?not their personality,that they make you laugh or companionship.men dont have feelungs do they?

AnyFucker Fri 03-May-13 00:21:12

They don't need to do they, when there are saps like you around gagging to romanticise some nob's emotional abuse of his wife and idiotic mooning over some woman at his workplace

LittleMissLucy Fri 03-May-13 01:22:42

I agree with AnyFucker on this one. And many people here are enabling him, which he loves.

Get over it, get on with it, go away OP.

HullMum Fri 03-May-13 02:52:41

also agree with anyfucker.

MusicalEndorphins Fri 03-May-13 07:18:34

My heart tells me to try to "seduce" my crush and start everything again with her.
That isn't your heart, you have the hots for her, let's say it like it is.

You need a reality dose. You are a married man and if you want to have an intimate relationship with this work person, you need to be a free man.

You really should leave your work. What is more important, your job or your wife?

It is up to you, but that is what I would do if I were you. I'd begin looking for a job somewhere else, and put an elastic band on my wrist. When ever I thought of the work college, I would snap the elastic on the inside of my wrist. It is a great and effective way to break a bad habit.

LimitedEditionLady Fri 03-May-13 07:49:33

Dont tell me im a sap,you dont know anything except that that i dont like how sexist.i just didnt like how you labelled men the same.thats not right.

blueshoes Fri 03-May-13 08:13:47

You are right to feel uncomfortable, LimitedEdition. Women are every bit as capable of finding themselves in the OP's situation. It is not all cock.

Iamanananas Fri 03-May-13 08:29:37

Just make thing clear, yep, I am a very emotional person and sometimes maybe a bit too much in touch with my feeling, fair enough. I am not the bad guy either. As I said, I just wanted your opinion on why a crush which WILL not go anywhere lasts for so long. It drives me nuts. I have not done anything with colleague and she does not know about my feelings. Yes, I hurt my wife and I am sorry about it. And want to work things out but I don't seem to manage to reassure my wife but seem to always fail. I think my feeling for the colleague is caused by two things, first my lack of confidence in my marriage and the fact that the colleague is a person I really could get ion well with. I never had a crush before that. I always thought my wife was better (truly!!).

I think anyfucker is a bit harsh. If a woman had started this thread, you would tell that her husband is a dick. But the fact that I started it means I am one. I'm not perfect and really do not look for compliment or being told that I am great. I would not post on Munsnet if I did.... I just needed to express feeling and see the reaction I got. I don't have anybody to share this with.

Will continue later, I have to go.

AnyFucker Fri 03-May-13 08:34:29

If a woman started this thread I would tell her the same thing

Stop making a fool of yourself and quit mistreating your husband

LimitedEditionLady Fri 03-May-13 08:40:10

Yes i know women that have,and men and it wasnt about sleeping together it was how the person made them feel.im aware that the OP is having a crush and its one sided but its not fair to label him.

LimitedEditionLady Fri 03-May-13 08:43:10

But would you say that she was thinking with her vagina?
Can you see the side of looking for a partner that makes you happy?surely you get that when youre unhappy when someone makes you happy and you enjoy time with them that makes that person attractive?

Look, I think it is quite obvious that emotionally you left your marriage long ago. You are not willing to do anything to return. You have indulged in a fantasy with another woman, "heart wanting to seduce and start afresh with her", for several years. Of course your wife has picked up on this. Of course she has noticed that you are emotionally vacant and not "in love" with her any more. Flowers and presents are the actions of a guilt ridden man. Of course she is anxious. She knows she has lost you.

Stop faffing about like some teenage idiot and make up your mind. Stop thinking about the other woman, find a new job, move, anything. Or let your wife be free to find somebody who actually will really love and cherish her.

I think you are behaving like a selfish prick to be perfectly honest. You are quite happy to keep your wife, whilst admiring another attractive woman from afar. But not willing to let your wife move on, like you quite obviously have done.

I bet you are quite happy for her to cook your dinners and launder your dirty underpants and clothes, do the shopping and the housework, look after the children (you have not answered "no" to questions about kids together so I assume you are a dad), so you can continue fantasizing about this other woman at leisure.

You are self indulgent. Get some self insight.

Mondrian Fri 03-May-13 08:49:24

Don't worry about Anyfucker, she is just very anti-men and very pro-divorce ... She does make the threads more exciting to read though.

As others have said you need to separate your marriage and crush. Relationships are hard, very hard and there will always be rough patches along the way. What you need to decide on is what type of a man are you? Will you pack up and leave every time you hit a rough patch or will you stay and fight to save the relationship. So far it sounds as if you have not tried very hard ... Little communication, no joint counselling and little consultation. You seem to talk more about the crush than the marriage!

Forget about the crush for now, deal with the marriage, decide if you want to try and save it, if so then do all it takes. If not then pack up and leave, the crush is really irrelevant as its something that may or may not turn into something irrespective of what happened with your marriage.

AnyFucker Fri 03-May-13 08:50:41

grin

hmm Mondrian, was that comment about another poster really necessary? Why not sticking to the ops predicament rather than slating other people using their time trying to advise?

AnyFucker Fri 03-May-13 08:54:00

I am certainly anti males who come to a female dominated website to whine about how difficult and awful it is to be torn between two women

I don't have much patience for the women who do it either

But then you'd know that, mondrian, bring so familiar with all my posts

grin See the "pro-divorce man hater" takes it with good humour! smile

AnyFucker Fri 03-May-13 08:54:31

Being*

snort at untimely x post.

Fecklessdizzy Fri 03-May-13 09:12:51

You're not my sister's mate, are you? He moons after women for months until they fall for him, then he's fine for a while then he starts pining after someone else. The only woman he's constantly fixated on is a female version of himself who always chucks him first! grin

Sort out your actual real life relationship - stay/go/whatever - but stop keeping your wife dangling and don't kid yourself that the woman at work wants anything to do with you.

SacreBlue Fri 03-May-13 09:18:08

I agree with AF and from reading other threads I absolutely believe AF would, and has, pulled women up on disgusting foolish behaviour.

I just wanted your opinion on why a crush which WILL not go anywhere lasts for so long. It drives me nuts

FYI OP a 'crush' is not a separate entity from yourself - YOU have to take action not throw your hands up and say "it's not my fault it's 'the crush'" because frankly that smacks rather too much of blaming the person you have the crush on (for liking you, for not noticing, for just being) and your DW (for not listening, for being withdrawn hardly a surprise that is it? )

These are your feelings, stand up and take some responsiblilty for them yourself

You may well have left a counsellor because they 'agreed too much with you', I rather suspect it was because they didn't tell you what you wanted to hear.

Mumsyblouse Fri 03-May-13 09:21:18

If a woman had posted this, (and it's a not uncommon problem) in Relationships she'd have received exactly the same short sharp advice, there's very much an orthodoxy (or heterodoxy as SGB might say) around being honest with your partner and not overlapping relationships.

If a woman had posted this, she would not have been told her husband is a dick. Indeed it's hard to see what your wife is doing wrong apart from failing to understand why they heck you are behaving like this. All of the faults you cite with your marriage are very minor and would be easily resolved by a bit of marriage counselling and/or a recommitment by you to the marriage.

I am not going to post on here any more because I don't think it is making any difference whatsoever to how much you are mooning and pining for your fantasy OW, in fact, you seem to be enjoying the opportunity to bleat on about her without doing anything proactive about solving the situation.

And remember, you only have this madeup in your head choice because you have not been honest with your wife. If you were honest about your (very long-term and quite creepy) crush and your head/heart dilemma, I suspect she'd be out the door.

dogsandcats Fri 03-May-13 11:31:11

Do all posters think a man or a woman deserves a second chance?
If a marriage is salvagable, what a marvellous thing, especially for any children.

Mollydoggerson Fri 03-May-13 11:42:49

OP how do you think your wife would respond if you told her about the crush? Is she happy in the marriage? It's possible that she might like to get out of it also, but maybe you need to be really honest with her.

I think somebody upthread asked, how would you feel if your wife came home and told you it was over? Would you be relieved?

LadyBeagleEyes Fri 03-May-13 12:05:30

I'm just imagining the poor woman with the creepy married colleague practically stalking her at work.
You've got no chance pal, your poor wife.

Iamanananas Fri 03-May-13 12:35:22

I do realise that this crush is wrong and, once again, it's why I posted this thread. I am maybe self-indulgent and sometimes you need people to tell you are before you realise it.

Sacrebleu: I am not going to post on here any more because I don't think it is making any difference whatsoever to how much you are mooning and pining for your fantasy OW, in fact, you seem to be enjoying the opportunity to bleat on about her without doing anything proactive about solving the situation.

I don't think I am bleating about her as you say. Once again, I did realise that my feelings were stupid but did not know how to deal with it. Your comments are helping and show me another way of seeing things. I do realise that this crush was most certainly a disturbing way of avoiding thinking about my pbm in my relationship. I should have done sth about the crush earlier, fair enough (easy to say with insight) but I always thought it would go away on its own.

I bet you are quite happy for her to cook your dinners and launder your dirty underpants and clothes, do the shopping and the housework, look after the children (you have not answered "no" to questions about kids together so I assume you are a dad), so you can continue fantasizing about this other woman at leisure. We don't have children. I deal with the housework, washing clothes, DIY and I can even cook. I am for sex equality at work and in a relationship and will even have most often feminist views on things . I often do the dishes or tidy the house when DW is at the gym or have some time for herself. That does not mean that I am a great person and clearly I have not made the right judgement calls at the right time. I have made effort to try to save my relationship and I have not taken things further with my crush (once gain, I realise that I should have been more pro-active towards it but I REALLY cannot leave this job as the business is more or less mine).

LimitedEditionLady Fri 03-May-13 12:55:27

youve got to get over the crush ti clear your mind.dont know how to do it other than you to really see that the crush is not going to happen.
are you scared of losing your wife or are you scared of being the bad guy by leaving?
you dont have to answer that to anyone just think about it.if its the second answer then you have to think of her happiness because thats what love is.you might not want to let go because its hard but if you cant make it work perhaps you need to make the decision for both of you.

dogsandcats Fri 03-May-13 13:02:02

Having reread your posts,13.55pm Thurs and 14.17 thurs, it sounds to me that your wife is very scared that you will leave her. And that is why she is telling you such things as "she is telling me what I say is not what I feel."

If I were you, I would write her a very long email, or text, or letter of what you are really feeling. [I am not sure that you should include the crush in the first instance].
That way, she has it in more detail, and your words hopefully will resonate more. And she wont just hear the bits she wants to hear and dismiss the rest.

LessMissAbs Fri 03-May-13 13:04:40

The more I read this twaddle, the more I'm convinced the OP is getting off on online attention. Talk about making something out of nothing. He seems to think there is more going on than there is. Because its all in his head. Quite possibly the work colleague considers him a dodgy, somewhat creepy middle aged man (hes bound to be older than her), and possibly many of his younger female colleagues do too, but they are bound by workplace courtesy to be polite to him. And now hes getting even more attention from a bunch of women on the internet.

You're not my sister's mate, are you? He moons after women for months until they fall for him, then he's fine for a while then he starts pining after someone else

Alternatively, this type of man is usually to be found on POF or other internet dating sites, stringing women along by pretending to be single, constant messages, but never meeting up because they're absolutely terrified their long-suffering wife will leave him.

I bet the OP is actually terrified his wife will leave him, and this fantasy is all in his head.

ps OP the workplace is for working, not mooning about your colleagues. Just how good a performance can you be turning in if your head is full of stupid middle-aged man fantasies, instead of work issues?

Pure, pure fantasy, and rather creepy with it.

LadyBeagleEyes Fri 03-May-13 13:11:56

I don't often agree with you LittleMissAbs, but in this instance you're spot on grin

LessMissAbs Fri 03-May-13 13:17:37

I have not taken things further with my crush (once gain, I realise that I should have been more pro-active towards it but I REALLY cannot leave this job as the business is more or less mine)

Sexual harassment/discrimination case in the making. It sounds like you have only "not taken your crush further" because you have absolutely no encouragement from the victim in question, who is simply there to do her job.

Your use of the word "it" here is rather telling, because you are consigning your unfortunate work colleague to the status of an object (ie a "crush") rather than a person, and have no consideration for her existence as independent from your interest in her.

You seem to be implying you are a partner or joint shareholder in your business. So you could also be getting into breach of fiduciary duties if you are a partner, or conflict of interest. In the unlikely event you work in the professions, you risk being struck off for professional misconduct if you mess up.

You simply don't sound very productive in the workplace, or a very high achiever.

No doubt when your wife gets fed up with you, you will be posting on another website about how greedy ex-wives are when divorcing men, from your rented bedsit.

PlasticLentilWeaver Fri 03-May-13 13:55:25

I read the 'it' thing to mean the situation and moving job rather than the imaginary girlfriend.

Other than that, I entirely agree with everything LessMissAbs said.

The more of this I read, the more immature, pathetic and unworthy of your wife you sound. Get a grip FFS.

Mondrian Fri 03-May-13 14:11:59

Quint yes it was necessary. I always feel the first course of action should be to try and save a marriage not destroy it - specially when we are basing our judgement on a couple of paragraphs.

coppertop Fri 03-May-13 14:22:21

You keep saying that one of the big problems in your marriage is that your DW tells you that you don't feel the way you say you do. Can you really not see that if you've been trying to hide this crush from her for 2 years, your DW is speaking the truth??? You're NOT being honest about your feelings.

You're getting your cause and effect the wrong way round. You think "I have these feelings for another woman because my wife is telling me I'm not being honest at home" when the reality is "I'm not being honest with my wife because of my feelings for another woman."

SacreBlue Fri 03-May-13 14:41:31

OP I didn't say that but I appreciate how hard it must be when when so many people are posting with great points

I will reply to your point though by reiterating one of the points I made - the 'crush' isn't a stray dog that will wander off by itself or a mystery rash that will fade on it's own.

You need to take action to address your fantasy world.

AnyFucker Fri 03-May-13 14:50:46

No one from MN is destroying this bloke's marriage

He is managing that all by himself

Perhaps a bit of blunt honesty and justified contempt of his whining is needed to shock him out of his silly little romantic bubble

Meh

Not that I give much of a shit for him, tbh,, nor his marriage (so certainly no investment in "destroying" it)

My main concern is his wife

dogsandcats Fri 03-May-13 15:22:21

Are you interested in helping him salvage it?

Iamanananas Fri 03-May-13 15:24:08

coppertop: i get your point

sacreblue and dogsandcat: thanks for trying to understand what's going on.

LessMissAbs: what I meant is that I should have done something to stop the crush earlier and I did not mean to try get sth out of the crush.

Iamanananas Fri 03-May-13 15:24:56

I think Anyfucker has got a crush on me and tries to take me away from my DW....

LessMissAbs Fri 03-May-13 15:42:24

LessMissAbs: what I meant is that I should have done something to stop the crush earlier and I did not mean to try get sth out of the crush

In essence, you're talking about nothing. This is all in your head.

That said, I have had numerous irritating middle aged married men throughout my career who I've guessed have had crushes on me. So have my some of my female colleagues. Give them an inch and they will take a yard - I gave one of them my mobile number for work once and he started texting me at 6.00am in the morning - I complained to HR and he is no longer working at the company (unsure if its related). Its not restricted to men - I've heard a couple of male colleagues talking about the older woman at work who has a crush on them and flirts with them, always in quite cringeful terms.

If something had actually happened - if you actually knew this woman well and she reciprocated your attentions, you might be justified in having such strong feelings for her. As it is, you barely know her.

You do realise that another term for "crush" (which IMHO is a ridiculous term for a grown man to use) is "obsession"? The fact that you are going on and on about it on an online site dominated by women indicates that you somehow revel in female attention. Except again, its all in your head. You have not "seduced" anyway (you would probably be too scared to), you do not have a girlfriend, you have not even had a successful date with this woman.

Its a complete fantasy world, all of your own making. I really suggest you take up a sport or get some kind of outside interest, because you are clearly bored out of your skull, and at least that's a healthy and socially acceptable way of curing your boredom. You just like the attention though...

Next you will be regaling us with how your eyes locked across the water cooler, and you knew she felt the same about you as you did about her...

maddening Fri 03-May-13 15:44:45

So can you put your marriage first and do you want to stay with dw?

What about your wife attracted you to her? Is anything still there?

I think af would rather stab out her eyes than lumbar herself with you smile

AnyFucker Fri 03-May-13 15:45:10

How did you guess, Iam ? grin wink

dogsandcats Fri 03-May-13 16:16:13

But his wife still wants him AF grin

AnyFucker Fri 03-May-13 16:20:13

Yes it appears she does....strangely

Iamanananas Fri 03-May-13 17:08:13

LessMissAbs:I clearly said that I thought this crush obsession was "obsessive" and I felt I was stupid. And I think you must be right, I am bored in some ways but I am highly involved in sport and sees my job as a hobby because it is a great job (but manages to get away from it when required). I think the crush obsession thing started because the colleague made signs telling me she liked me when she started to work with me. At that time, we spoke quite a lot and when I felt that it was possibly going to far I told her that my relationship was not going well and she withdrew then. With my relationship not improving (by maybe not working at it the way I should have) I started to wonder what would have happened if I had not say anything.

dogsandcats Fri 03-May-13 17:15:08

Even if your colleague did indeed make signs, you should have not done anything about them.
You are married. And at that time, you were recently married too.

All the energy and mental ability you have, try and use it for your marriage.

Mondrian Fri 03-May-13 17:42:04

..... told her that my relationship was not going well and she withdrew then ....

Isn't that a rather obvious brush-off!

I doubt she 'made signs' that she was interested in having sex with you. Does it not occur to you that she would have to be nice and polite to her new boss when she started working for you? Most people make an effort to be pleasant to their workmates, simply because it makes for a happier workplace if people get on well. The minute you started whining about how your wife doesn't understand you, this poor woman would have thought 'Oh shit, he's going to get his dick out in a minute, am I going to have to leave this job because the boss is a creep? Or will he get the message if I back off immediately?'
She's the one I feel really sorry for. She has done nothing to deserve your obsession with her, and it must make her very uncomfortable at work if she never knows at what point she's going to come round a corner and find you there with your cock in your hand.

AnyFucker Fri 03-May-13 18:36:44

grin

If my husband had posted this drivel I would want the collective nest of vipers to roll up here and tell me straight.
So I could kick his embarrassing arse out and find a proper man.

MamaMumra Fri 03-May-13 18:55:03

Following this thread and I have to say that you need to get a massive grip OP.

The time and energy you've spent navel gazing about this crush must be exhausting - and really unfair on your wife.

Please shit or get off the pot. YABVU - sorry to be blunt.

PlasticLentilWeaver Fri 03-May-13 19:03:34

You confused 'like' with 'fancy'. It is perfectly possible for someone to like another person and not find them in the least attractive.

Anyway SGB and others have said it far more eloquently than I can. I feel sad for your colleague and your wife.

caramelwaffle Fri 03-May-13 19:44:33

The surest way for you to extinguish this 'obsessive crush' is for you to tell your wife exactly what you have said here. Or better still, show her the thread and tell her you are the Op: Instant stoppage of feelings of crush - guaranteed.

LessMissAbs Fri 03-May-13 21:57:37

And I think you must be right, I am bored in some ways but I am highly involved in sport and sees my job as a hobby because it is a great job (but manages to get away from it when required)

Oh Christ, another one of those annoying men who chats up women at races, whilst having a safe wife at home. I don't know what sport you do OP (and I don't want to), but I do running, and it is full of men who do this. Its really annoying. I go to races to race (a bit like your colleague goes to work to work). I also have a DH who does the same sport as me, like many of us, and we always feel a bit sorry for the lonely men behaving like this - its easy to tell them apart from the decent guys there on their own because those ones don't come across as creepy.

You're obviously one of those ones who has deliberately picked a partner who doesn't do the same hobbies as you, so you can act like a single men to get an ego boost when it suits you. Your dates indicate you started this obsession on your poor work colleague almost as soon as you got married, which says to me that you are a bit commitment phobic, but not enough to have the courage to actually be single and find someone who fulfils you.

Generally in this country, we embrace monogamy, and there are not many who would consider you a very desirable prospect, due to your awful behaviour.

SacreBlue Sat 04-May-13 02:05:00

I think the crush obsession thing started because the colleague made signs telling me she liked me

....and there we are, the expected it's her fault you have a crush hmm

Wind your neck in love, it's your responsiblilty, no one else's.

That single sentence clinched it for me, you are being an arse.

cafecito Sat 04-May-13 02:27:30

You are being an arse.

You must shake yourself out of this before you ruin your career and your marriage.

I do sympathise with the difficulty if you genuinely have feelings for your colleague. But she obviously doesn't reciprocate and you really must stamp them out. Surely it's exhausting.

I do also have experience of this myself, I fell head over heels for my boss hmm which was not a good idea, did not end well at all. I realise with hindsight, it wasn't my boss that was the issue, it was my total unhappiness in my relationship with (now ex) P that made those very intense feelings for my boss manifest themselves. I think this could be the case for you and you seriously need to work on your relationship with DW to the exclusion of any outside influences or concepts. The grass won't be greener. Try and save what you have.

LittleMissLucy Sat 04-May-13 03:04:23

I can't believe this thread is still active. It died for me long ago.

ladywiththelapdog Sat 25-May-13 10:11:27

I resurrect this thread to say to anyone who is contemplating similar, DON'T DO IT. The potential for getting hurt in situations like this is just too great, and the recovery really isn't easy. It is also almost inevitable that there will be misunderstandings between the parties, which cause further pain and embarrassment.

Life isn't so straightforward and we are fallible but from recent experience I am inclined to think that a simple, if dull life is preferable to the level of pain that comes when you allow feelings like this to take hold.

So OP, if you are still reading this, please give the woman a break, you don't know what you may be doing to her if you start playing with her.

I so wish I had never seen this thread.

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