Romance is dead. Dead as a very dead thing.

(85 Posts)
AtYourCervix Wed 01-May-13 21:58:47

H. Going to bed.

Me: Kiss me. You never kiss me needy and demanding Occasionally even I need a bit if affection.

H: I let you cut my toenails earlier.


Annunziata Wed 01-May-13 22:00:19

Leave the bastard.

I kicked mine out of bed last night because I'm perimenopausal and hotter than the devil in hell himself.

AtYourCervix Wed 01-May-13 22:02:32

I bet the queen doesn't have to put up with that sort of shit.

Annunziata Wed 01-May-13 22:04:03

The toenails or the lack of affection?

AtYourCervix Wed 01-May-13 22:04:31

And I swear his nasty bent toenails grow at a freakily accelerated rate. And his toes are all stiff and tense.

Ew. [shudder]

SoleSource Wed 01-May-13 22:05:09

Snog the pillow or take a toyboy to bed and do sex next to him.

AtYourCervix Wed 01-May-13 22:06:04

I don't think he'd even notice sole.

headlesslambrini Wed 01-May-13 22:06:14

He will be asking you to pluck his eyebrows soon.

Dawndonna Wed 01-May-13 22:06:40

Annunziata A hot water bottle filled with cold water helps.

As for your dh AtYourCervix demand that he does your toe nails in return!

Annunziata Wed 01-May-13 22:09:42

Nah, you must really love him if you cut his toenails.

I'll try that, Dawndonna, thank you.

AtYourCervix Wed 01-May-13 22:10:17

I couldn't have anyone touching my feet. Ew.

An occasional pat or handshake would be nice.

AtYourCervix Wed 01-May-13 22:10:58

I am very fond of him.

SoleSource Wed 01-May-13 22:12:13


we need a plan..

Calling Team Mumsnet ...

Chewmebush Wed 01-May-13 22:12:18

Deep heat in his pants smile

MsVestibule Wed 01-May-13 22:12:54

He lets you cut his toenails and you say romance isn't dead? Jeez, some women are, like, so demanding hmm.

Just out of interest, how long have you been together?

Thurlow Wed 01-May-13 22:13:42

The other day mine made the most romantic comment ever. Sadly I posted this on a then-deleted thread, because it was awesome.

Thread was to do with loving your children or your husband more. I mentioned thread to DP. He agreed that obviously losing DD would be worse. He followed this with the comment - "obviously I'd be disappointed if you died..."

Romance is not dead, I tell you.

AtYourCervix Wed 01-May-13 22:14:35

18 years. Next week. DD1 was 17 last month. Work that one out blush

ImTooHecsyForYourParty Wed 01-May-13 22:15:25

My husband farted in front of me for the first time in our entire (15 years so far) marriage the other day.

Beginning of the end, I tell you.

AtYourCervix Wed 01-May-13 22:16:51

Thurlow - you've given my hiccups with thst gem.

Disappointed !

WorrySighWorrySigh Wed 01-May-13 22:24:09

DH doesnt fart in front of me but we do seem to be plagued by a very windy cat. In fact all the cats we have had have been windy. Before the cats the gerbils were windy.

Cailinsalach Wed 01-May-13 22:25:22

I read an article in the Grauniad once about keeping romance alive in a marriage. I followed their advice by:

Smiling at my DP

Saying things like " I love to wake up and see your face next to mine on the pillow"

Putting an effort into meals, not just egg and oven chips every night. Sometimes I made spam fritters.

Wore sexy underwear or even no underwear.

It worked. I broke him. He confessed to having an affair and left me for his teenage girlfriend. ( the aforementioned underwear was older than her)

Fuck romance.

ImTooHecsyForYourParty Wed 01-May-13 22:25:37

Are you sure about that? It's not your husband saying cor, can you smell that, the 'gerbil' farted again...


Does he let you keep the clippings in a box? Does he love you that much?

I'd rather stick a hedgehog up my bum than touch DH's furry, gryphon claws.

ImTooHecsyForYourParty Wed 01-May-13 22:26:14

sorry to read that, cailin.

AtYourCervix Wed 01-May-13 22:27:23

Still hic-ing

shock callin. I suspect he's too lazy to have another. I know I am.

ImTooHecsyForYourParty Wed 01-May-13 22:27:27

My husband bites his toenails.

I mean, he's nearly 50 so I'm impressed he's that bendy, but still...

Spam fritters it is then

Nagoo Wed 01-May-13 22:28:50

DH rips his toenails off in bed, and then scrapes me with the scratchy toes sad I don't know where the leavings get left hmm

cailin do you mind if I tell you where you went wrong?

No spaghetti hoops with his spam fritters, what man can possibly live without them?

AtYourCervix Wed 01-May-13 22:40:10

I'm going up.

Do you think we'll make tender, passionate love, the fall asleep entwined in each other?

Or will he be there, snoring, with a cat on his chest? And I'll need to fight for the duvet, and wear 4 layers of deeply saggy and unattractive clothes?

Cailinsalach Wed 01-May-13 22:41:39

Spaghetti hoops? Who knew?

TooExtraImmatureCheddar Wed 01-May-13 22:45:39

Nagoo, are you me? <suspicious> There can't be two men out there with horrible torn-off toe-nails who like to spike their wives out of deep sleep by accidentally stretching a foot into them when they were relaxed and off their guard, can there?

Maryz Wed 01-May-13 22:48:36

dh and I went out for dinner last Saturday - all the kids were away.

I calculated that the last time we went out for a meal on our own was at Christmas in 1993.

We had to swap places half way through the meal as he was watching the Gaelic on the tv over my shoulder.

Romance is indeed dead.

ManifestoMT Wed 01-May-13 22:51:49

Your love is dooomed
Your love is dead

Chirruped my 5 yr old (circa gnomeo and Juliet)

My dh and I looked at each other and giggled

That's romance

AtYourCervix Wed 01-May-13 22:53:27

When DD had some CBT the therapist asked us how often we had 'couple time'.

We fell about laughing and it has become a bit of a standing joke.

Although he won 2 main courses at a pub on a raffle recently so I suppose we'll have a 'date night'. Ew.

MagratOfStolat Wed 01-May-13 22:56:08

I can beat all of you in the unromantic stakes. ALL. OF. YOU.

Last night, DP got up after DP and I had exercised our rights as a couple. He then looks back at me and says, in a very casual tone, "you know, you really do have a gorgeous pussy."

He then walked off without another word! I was utterly bemused!

YANBU - either romance is dead or men are idiots!

AtYourCervix Wed 01-May-13 22:56:31

I hope they have hoosps onthe menu.

AtYourCervix Wed 01-May-13 22:58:12

The only pussy in this bed is lying on his chest purring and dribbling.

I miss my pussy

Primafacie Wed 01-May-13 23:07:26

I think you should kill him. Just in case.

WafflyVersatile Wed 01-May-13 23:10:30

Thurlow are you sure he didn't say he'd be disappointed in you if you died? 'you've let me down, you've let the kids down and worst of all you've let yourself down'.

inchoccyheaven Wed 01-May-13 23:15:21

I'm really sorry to derail such a serious thread but you have all made me chuckle out loud especially Waffly and Magrat. grin The cat is not amused that I disturbed her sleep.

SirBoobAlot Wed 01-May-13 23:29:30

LOL at Waffly. grin

Maghag Thu 02-May-13 02:06:02

The other night DH gave me such a withering look of contempt (after I forgot to lock the side gate on the house and suddenly at 9pm we had a guy in the back garden trying to deliver an indian take away - we have a weird address and live next to a block of flats) I suddenly realised what his ex-wife must have gone through in the years leading up to their nasty divorce.

I thought fuck 'im and went to bed. He asked me in the morning if I was still not talking to him which of course I wasn't. He apologised but suddenly I've seen him in a whole new light.

I'd say romance is over rated.

Thurlow Thu 02-May-13 07:37:07

grin Waffly

It felt as though he has just put so much damned work in to me, it would be such an arse to go through it all again...

cozietoesie Thu 02-May-13 07:47:58

I still can't stop chortling over the 'disappointed'. I mean - I'm sorry if that's heartless of me and all Thurlow but really..................!


EggsMichelle Thu 02-May-13 07:59:18

Romance does not appear to be dead in my neighbours house, we can hear their romance through the walls!

MsVestibule Thu 02-May-13 08:34:53

Ah, Maghag sad. It's probably fair to say that when you start to feel empathy for his ex-wife that all is not well. Hope he doesn't do it again, and your disillusionment (if that's the right word) doesn't get worse.

SirBoobAlot Thu 02-May-13 09:02:42

Maghag sad flowers

Yes... Romance over rated.

Thurlow Thu 02-May-13 10:27:37

Not heartless at all! He's very good at comments like that. I love him dearly, but other classics include this year's Mother's Day card (given on Monday, not Sunday) which said You've been a great mum so far

Words are not this man's forte. Making curry, on the other hand... grin

UtterflyButterfly Thu 02-May-13 10:35:48

These are cheering me up on a very trying work morning (quick coffee break). Unfortunately I have a toenail ripper-offer too. I sometimes find the bits of nail on his bedside table. Eugh. He used to bite his nails and drop them down the side of the settee, until I found a great load (doing some thorough cleaning for a change) and gave him a bollocking. Don't know where he puts them now!

SarahAndFuck Thu 02-May-13 10:36:04

Thurlow I would take disappointed if I died over DH's comment "It would be really good if you died because..." shock

I have no idea what joys my death might bring because he stopped speaking then and no amount of teasing would get him to explain.

But since we were discussing our life insurance at the time I suspect he has plans for a speedboat or some sort of fancy car once I am out of the way and have taken my mad ideas about needing to buy food or pay the mortgage with me.

SarahAndFuck Thu 02-May-13 10:42:31

Words are not my DH's forte either. Perhaps we are married to the same man. grin

In particular he tends to muddle up the words 'popular' and 'common' when he's speaking.

Which is why he once told a neighbour, while they were discussing two neighbours with the same illness, "having illness name is really popular right now" and then went on to say someone's child was "very common at school."

DS, who is going through a contrary stage of doing the opposite of what you want him to do, is "very controversial right now."

Niklepic Thu 02-May-13 10:46:05

It's not dead in our house - I've been very romantically advised that I'm going to "get it tonight". My heart skipped a beat.

cozietoesie Thu 02-May-13 10:46:22

Someone actually sold a Mother's Day card with that printed on it? shock

Or did he write it himself? (Just choosing it would have been bad enough.)

I do take the point about the curry however.


cozietoesie Thu 02-May-13 10:47:29

Please tell me he's not a Mafia don, Niklepic.


squoosh Thu 02-May-13 10:51:24

You've been a great mum so far grin grin

thebody Thu 02-May-13 10:54:50

Ok it's our 25th wedding anniversary very soon.

Me, ' what shall we do? You decide' ( hoping weekend away ha bloody ha)

Dh, ' well the garden needs sorting lets do that and maybe a drink in the evening'

Last night, dh, ' do I need to wash love or are you knackered'?

But I luffs him.

Tingalingle Thu 02-May-13 11:01:42

Ah yes, Body, the immortal romance of the words 'I've given it a bit of a wash...' [hopeful grin...]

pollywollydoodle Thu 02-May-13 11:02:01

grin grin at disappointed if you died

Me on Valentine's day,
should we do something romantic for a change
DH I've already cleaned your rubbish out of the car door for you
we may have been marking VD each year anyway...who knew?

and it made laugh that it's VD each(childish grin )

DameFanny Thu 02-May-13 11:13:05

Snorting at these grin

Sadly DH has never reached the romantic heights of an ex who's seduction line was "Oy, you're overdressed"

freddiefrog Thu 02-May-13 11:17:15

It's dead here too

DH the other day - 'you don't look bad for 37'


At the weekend when the kids were both away at sleepovers

DH - 'let's go out for dinner, we haven't been out on our own for ages'
Me - picturing the chance to get dressed up and go somewhere children are not usually welcome 'ok, where do you want to go'
DH - 'Pizza Hut, I've got a half price voucher which runs out on Sunday'

Flobbadobs Thu 02-May-13 11:29:39

DH eats his toenails.
And then wonders why his arse gets clogged up and he spends half an hour sounding like he's giving birth in the loo...

Romance isn't dead in this house, just in a coma. On our last wedding anniversary he text me to ask if I needed anything from the shop in his way home from work. I sent him a list, he brings the stuff home, we have a nice normal night in. We both bloody forgot until the next day when his Mum phoned and apologised for not sending us a card!
It was our 10th as well...

niceguy2 Thu 02-May-13 11:34:43

Pfft, just to give this thread a bit of balance, it's not just men!

The other day we had the following conversation in the morning whilst we were getting ready for work:

Me: "You look nice!"
Her: "I'm going for a poo"

Thurlow Thu 02-May-13 11:50:31

He wrote that himself. He honestly thought it was a nice message

Freddie, that's brilliant!

cozietoesie Thu 02-May-13 11:51:44

Oh my. Those curries would need to be darned good!

helenthemadex Thu 02-May-13 12:05:14

Romance is alive and well

ex-p 'of course I love you, I shag you don't I?' hmm

thebody Thu 02-May-13 13:25:41

Well nice guy it's keeping you informed of her movements!!!

Toe nail eater, oh dear, fantastic thread so funny.

Absy Thu 02-May-13 13:45:06

Thurlow's DH should work for Hallmark

"you've been a great mum so far" - Mothers' Day
"I still think you're okay" - Valentines' Day
"you don't look as old as you could do" - Birthday

squoosh Thu 02-May-13 13:46:28

'I've seen uglier'
'Your arse isn't that big'
'I like you more than I like a lot of other people'

Thurlow Thu 02-May-13 14:04:10

Absy, he did manage the other day to tell me that I looked as though I was dressed as a teenager - which I thought was bad enough until he looked at me again and said, "but I don't think you could pass as a teenager anymore. It's the eyes..."

He is lovely, really. He just doesn't engage his brain before he speaks. I'm eternally fascinated that he's in a customer facing job!

(I always wonder how comments like some of those on this thread would look if you posted them in Relationships grin)

gymmummy64 Thu 02-May-13 14:35:57

Ex-p trying to be encouraging and confidence-boosting: 'that's great! See? Not all your ideas are bad'

cozietoesie Thu 02-May-13 14:37:22

He works with customers? <gulps>

For how long?

Thurlow Thu 02-May-13 14:40:12

Gummy - shock grin

He's in the emergency services. I can just see him now: "look, it's not that bad, I mean if you think about it you only need one arm to do most things..."

cozietoesie Thu 02-May-13 14:58:08


Absy Thu 02-May-13 15:19:22

"you haven't turned into your mother, yet"
"I can only see your chin hairs in some lights"
"you could get fatter"

ATJabberwocky Thu 02-May-13 16:50:45

The 1st time in 15 years ImTooHecsyForYourParty? I'm lucky if there's only 1 an hour :'(

drudgewithagrudge Thu 02-May-13 16:56:12

One abiding memory of EXDH is when I was expecting my third child and still at the morning sickness stage. I woke up about five in the morning and just put my feet to the floor and threw up on the carpet. Ex still snoring so I got up went downstairs and returned wearing rubber gloves carrying a bucket of water disinfectant and a cloth. Ex raises head from pillow and says,"As you're up could you make a cup of tea?" Yet another reason why he is an EXDH.

StepAwayFromTheEcclesCakes Thu 02-May-13 19:38:11

second wedding anniversary DH went out with girls from work, I was meeting him later to go for a meal, met... he was having too much fun so we ended up both out with girls from his work and having fish and chips in the pub opposite the chip shop who let you take them in the pub. the landlord did however mark the occasion by bringing us a bowl of ice cream with sparklers in and two spoons smile ah well, funnily enough its one of the 23 we have had that we really do remember well smile

CombineBananaFister Thu 02-May-13 19:52:46

Romance is not dead. I won't believe it!
Dh is a proper yorkshireman, not a big sharer of fellings or romantic gestures BUT last week after a night of ups/downs and no sleep with DS and having to be up at 5am for work he proved his mettle.

He had made me my snap for work (normally do it night before but was knackered), complete with romantic note - 'SANDWICH FOR YOU. EVEN USED THE LOWFATCHEESE. BIG SMILEY FACE.'

It was the best damn sandwich in the world despite the lowfat comment grin

freddiefrog Fri 03-May-13 13:03:56

I think the final nail went in the coffin today

DH has a day off so we were mooching around town. I've been on a hunt for a pair of flat tan sandals and I was trying a pair on, to be fair, I may have bored him rigid with my flat tan sandal musings, so he was completely disinterested

Me - so what do you think?
DH - you've got hairy toes

RawShark Fri 03-May-13 18:55:53

Getting ready to go out:

DH: I'll put ds in bed while you get ready
Raw shark?:get ready?
DH: you can do your makeup
Raw shark : I've done my make up


persimmon Fri 03-May-13 19:04:53

Me: Wow, if I die in service you get almost £150k!
DH: (thinks) That wouldn't pay off the mortgage though. Nah, it's not worth it.

cozietoesie Fri 03-May-13 19:35:49


I'm waiting for the Thurlowshusband range of MIL cards. It could be the start of her fortune!

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