To not want to pay £15 to go to a party?

(119 Posts)
Clandy Wed 01-May-13 11:26:13

Friend is having a christening for her little girl in August, on the invite she has asked for £15 ASAP per couple to pay for the food. She has also said no drinks are included so bring your own. Aibu to be annoyed at this? My thoughts are if its a BBQ and she can't afford food, why not ask people to bring a few things but £15 is a lot esp if there is no drinks and its at her house so she isn't paying out for an expensive venue. Also if you can't afford a big party... Don't have one. We couldn't afford to so we didn't have a christening party. I am cross and don't really want to go

dexter73 Wed 01-May-13 11:28:04

Don't go then - it isn't compulsory!

aldiwhore Wed 01-May-13 11:28:15


I've thrown parties on little or no budget, but I would never ask for money, I'd ask for a plate of something specific and bring your own booze.

£15 per head is a lot of ask, and in my opinion bloody cheeky.

Then don't go. I wouldn't. I'd go to the church and leave after. Buggered if I'd pay 15 quid for someone else to have a party. The important bit is the christening, just go to that.

grograg Wed 01-May-13 11:29:29

YANBU that's very rud and grabby. I would have to say something.

Yonihadtoask Wed 01-May-13 11:30:23


That is totally cheeky.

If she is so skint -then the way to do it would be to ask guests to each bring a dish - someone brings sandwiches, someone else brings pasta salad etc. A bit of a pot luck event.

She will make a profit surely at £15 per head??

YANBU. She should be paying for her guests! My dd is christened next week, and we've hired a venue and are providing a buffet and cake. I can't believe her cheek!

Fecklessdizzy Wed 01-May-13 11:32:04

I've been to lots of do's where everyone brought food/booze but this sounds well strange! I'd go to the church bit then bunk off ...

pigletmania Wed 01-May-13 11:32:04

My goodness now I have heard it all. At this rate the woman will not have anyone coming. This is the hight f rudeness. I just would not go, if you do leave afterwards

freddiefrog Wed 01-May-13 11:36:57

I wouldn't go either. I'd just go to the church part and leave after that

We've done a few big parties at home. We just borrowed a big BBQ from our local scout group, laid on some sausages and burgers from cash and carry and everyone bought anything else they fancied and booze. I wouldn't start charging people

thestringcheesemassacre Wed 01-May-13 11:38:00

God that is so tight. I wouldn't go.

Clandy Wed 01-May-13 11:38:56

Buntycollocks can I come to yours instead? grin Hadn't thought ongoing tithe church then leaving for some reason! I appreciate I can just not go but needed to check if this was a "done thing" I was unaware of down right cheeky (hunts down cheeky things people have done thread)

flowery Wed 01-May-13 11:39:20

Don't go, that's very cheeky. As you say, if you can't afford a party, don't have one, have a smaller one, or possibly ask people to bring a dish.

Course you can, clandy! Our numbers are at ridiculous proportions now, so a few more heads wont make a difference - she's a loved little lady baby!

StanleyLambchop Wed 01-May-13 11:43:44

How is she going to collect the money? I have visions of her standing at the doors of the church not letting you in until you have paid! You could always make a donation to charity or the church, and innocently tell her that when she asks for the money ' Oh I put it in the charity collection box in the church- I thought that was what it was for. I did not realise it was going to you personally' Then smile sweetly!

Groovee Wed 01-May-13 11:45:23

I think it's rude and cheeky. When we were in 6th year at school one girl's mum and dad wouldn't pay for her to have an 18th. So she booked a venue and charged people to go. I refused. My friend booked her 18th and asked for a donation for £1 for the charity she did voluntary work for. We were all happy for that. But £15 per couple is a lot to some people and if you can't afford something, then you shouldn't offer it.

DeskPlanner Wed 01-May-13 11:47:46

That's awful. How rude. I wouldn't be going, and I would tell her why.

GetOrfMoiLand Wed 01-May-13 11:47:59

What a tight git. I wouldn't go. If you can't afford a great big party don't have one, just add someone to bring food as people have suggested.

It's just trying to have a party on the cheap. Like those cheap twats who want to have a big wedding with 6 bridesmaids, so get the bridesmaids to buy their own dresses etc.

janey223 Wed 01-May-13 11:48:58

That is SO cheeky !!! No way a BBQ will cost anywhere near that if no booze!

I had my DS's christening last year and it would never have crossed my mind to ask people for money for their food even though I was absolutely broke.

thompson369 Wed 01-May-13 11:55:27

I'm also organising my DD's Christening and wouldn't dream of asking people to pay to come as if it is some sort of ticketed event! We aren't rolling in it at all so I've booked a local pub which has a large field out the back, we've invited good friends and family and are having the cheap and cheerful buffet - and going to the £ shop for loads of ball games to keep the kids occupied (praying for a nice day!)
Some people do seen to live on another planet when it comes to this sort of thing.
I'd go to the church and then bail out!

freddiefrog Wed 01-May-13 11:57:36

Actually I've seen these £x per head events end very badly

There was about 50 of us all in so we talked about hiring our village hall, getting food in and booze.

We all agreed a sum of £50 per couple and one friend insisted on taking over the organisation of the whole thing, refusing all offers of help and ignoring all suggestions

The food was Iceland party stuff and not much of it, and the booze (beer and wine so not expensive bottles of spirits) that no one was drinking excessive amounts of ran out at 10pm. We knew the village hall hire was £100 and music was all our own stuff played through another friend's laptop, so none of us could imagine how she'd spent over a grand on it and everyone felt ripped off and it all went a bit sour

Clandy Wed 01-May-13 11:57:42

Thanks buntycollocks grin have a fab day.

She wants the money as soon as possible to be sent via PayPal. There is about 16 couples going so that's £180 for food alone. Best be Michelin starred. wink

QueenStromba Wed 01-May-13 12:00:16

Unless she's serving everyone fillet steak she'd be making a profit on that. Hight of rudeness.

ChocsAwayInMyGob Wed 01-May-13 12:03:29

Unbelievable. She sent Paypal details in the invites?

I'm lost for words.

YANBU by the way.

choceyes Wed 01-May-13 12:05:28

wow!! you are sooo NBU!! I've never heard of anybody charging for a party before.
Do you have to cover paypal fees too smile

bigTillyMint Wed 01-May-13 12:05:40

Am aghast!

YANBU - who (apart from your "friend") asks for money towards a christening party?

SanitaryOwl Wed 01-May-13 12:08:19

Normally hate the "rude" inviations threads on here, but this one really is taking the piss!

GiveMumABreak Wed 01-May-13 12:08:28

YANBU! I am completely gobsmacked shock it will not cost them £15 per head to feed everyone anyway......I am just so shocked that people have the cheek.....

bigbuttons Wed 01-May-13 12:08:32

OMG, I love to know what she would do if you turned up without paying first. Would she stand at the door, list in hand only admitting those on the 'paid' list.
"sorry, I can't let you in because you have not paid, oh alright then come in but you are not allowed near the buffet"

GetOrfMoiLand Wed 01-May-13 12:09:05

Why on EARTH does she want the money 3 months in advance?

You are not going to pay are you? I would ask her what the hell she is thinking. I certainly wouldn't go either.

Freddie that sounds awful - did you get a breakdown of what was spent? Cheeky sod. Thieving from your friends is bloody low.

helenthemadex Wed 01-May-13 12:11:18

reply saying its ok you will bring a picnic or pack lunch

I cant believe the cheek of some people, if you cant afford it dont do it

bigbuttons Wed 01-May-13 12:11:52

or...... perhaps she could let everyone in but only stamp the hands of those who have paid, or give them a badge or something, so that anyone attempting to steal from the buffet would immediately be spotted and driven out by other resentful out of pocket party-goerswink

Purple2012 Wed 01-May-13 12:12:33

I know someone who invited her in laws for Christmas dinner then did a list of what everything cost and split it between them and charged them for their Christmas dinner!!! The in laws stuffed their faces just to get their moneys worth!!!

Sausagedog27 Wed 01-May-13 12:13:02

If you really want to go, I'd send an email thanking her for the invite, rather than paying, you will bring a dish of some sort, and copy other people in that you know!

This is just rudeness!

NatashaBee Wed 01-May-13 12:14:23

PayPal details in the invite shock

Startail Wed 01-May-13 12:16:53

without booze that would pay for steak for all.

We are hosting a club BBQ in the summer and Im trying to work out whether to charge or get them bring stuff. It's much easier not doing bring your own meat.

Sadly I really can't afford to feed them all plus their families.

Emsmaman Wed 01-May-13 12:19:34

reminds me of a friend who "hosted" a NYE party but then asked us for £50 each for food and booze. They were still eating that food a week later and the booze lasted them months. More fool us but they were very good friends and the demand for money came too close to NY for us to find something else to do.

SilkandSteel Wed 01-May-13 12:21:09

No I wouldn't go either, hope everyone makes a stand and I agree she will be profiting from that if no drink is being provided. Oh an Clandy, if you want some cheeky people stories check out the recent one that is now in classics - it is a corker but be prepared to lose the rest of your day wink

freddiefrog Wed 01-May-13 12:22:18

I've just notices I lost half my post

The missing part at the beginning should have said...

Years ago, before kids a group of us wanted to organise a new years eve party, we'd looked around at local events and most places wanted to £20/£25 a head, plus taxis, drinks, etc, so we decided to hire the village hall and do our own

We'd talked about getting the local fish and chip shop to deliver and there was a bloke in the village who ran a mobile bar.

Yes, we did ask for a breakdown of costs, we had a fun night but it all ended very badly

ENormaSnob Wed 01-May-13 12:24:57

Fuckin hell fire that's is seriously cheeky shock

No problems with bring a dish/bottle but cash is taking the piss.

I wouldn't go.

pickledginger Wed 01-May-13 12:26:09

I've never heard of anyone doing this before! Asking people to bring some food is one thing. Asking for cash for the food is plain rude.

pickledginger Wed 01-May-13 12:28:40

I assume she must be using caterers and so needs the money up front. I thought you only used caterers if you could actually pay for them.

Clandy Wed 01-May-13 12:29:21

thanks for ignoring my terrible maths, no idea how I worked that one out!!

Can't believe others have experienced this cheekiness too. She is a really good friend so it's hard to say no as I love her dd.

Floggingmolly Wed 01-May-13 12:30:20

How ridiculous and tacky. If you cannot afford to host a party, you don't have a party, it's as simple as that.

GetOrfMoiLand Wed 01-May-13 12:31:09

You are going to paypal that money over aren't you, and say nothing?

<rugby tackles clandy>

StanleyLambchop Wed 01-May-13 12:39:33

Not going and making a stand against her cheekiness does not mean that you don't love her DD, just make an excuse or do as others suggest and say you will bring a dish instead. Otherwise you will get constant invites with cash demands attached- her 1st, 2nd, 3rd, 4th etc birthday party, school leaving party, engagement party, wedding. She will think it is ok to do this and will carry on hosting events and passing on the costs to her guests. Just say No!

ToomuchIsBackOnBootcamp Wed 01-May-13 12:40:16

Don't you bloody dare pay the rude, grabby, entitled, rude, rude madam a single fucking penny!!

<stands behind Getorf with wet fish to deliver sanity slap>

I like the idea of an email cc-ing everyone you know with the suggestion of bringing a dish "as she obv can't afford a party to be asking everyone to pay"

DontmindifIdo Wed 01-May-13 12:40:24

OP - send this message to cheeky friend "Hi [cheeky friend] - thank you so much for inviting me to [DD] baptism. Unfortunately I have a clash that day, I can come to just the church, but will have to leave before the party. Really looking forward to seeing [dd] being baptised!!! Clandy"

GetOrfMoiLand Wed 01-May-13 12:48:43


Where is expatinscotland? She will know what to say.

NinaHeart Wed 01-May-13 12:52:35

Hugely un-Christian thing to be doing. (The money for the buffet, not the Christening)

pigletmania Wed 01-May-13 12:56:15

I would just tell her straight, if she is a good friend

WilsonFrickett Wed 01-May-13 12:58:19

I think if you really do love her DD a phone call is in order. I have suggested a script:

You: What in the name of buggery-fuck are you doing asking people to paypal you £15 to attend tinybaby's Christening? Have you gone quite, quite bonkers? If you can't afford to feed everyone ask them to bring some sausages you daftest of daft mares. Now go and pretend your computer was hacked by crafty hackers who are after all your friend and families £15.

samandi Wed 01-May-13 13:05:50

Weird. YADNBU.

whois Wed 01-May-13 13:05:59

Aw that's so tight!

Don't have a party I you can't afford one. There is nothing wrong with saying 'we'll be at pub x afterwards and would love to see you there'.

My parents went to a work colleagues party many years ago. Good job, enough cash. Arrived and it was a PAY BAR! Very embarrassing as people had taken bottles, as you do or a party, and vein relieved of them on the door and directed to the pay bar.

Rainbowdrop8 Wed 01-May-13 13:06:13

Pay her the £15 but tell her you want your fillet steak medium rare and you find lobster hard to eat unless its washed down with champagne not cava.

valiumredhead Wed 01-May-13 13:07:21

Where I come from if you made people pay for their own food at a party you would be talked about for eternity!!! shock

DeskPlanner Wed 01-May-13 13:30:07

Paypal details in the invite ? <faints>

Op please tell me your not going ?

valiumredhead Wed 01-May-13 13:30:55

My other gripe is ds being invited to birthday parties but the parents have to pay!!

pigletmania Wed 01-May-13 13:36:02

What wilsonfrickett has said. I would tell her

wow i'm amazed!

i'm just imagining asking people for say £50 a head when i get married next year - save me paying for food lol! we had an engagement party a few months ago and paid for all the food - wouldnt have entered my head to do anything differently. as there was a licensed bar people bought their own drinks and were happy enough.

if you cant afford a party dont have one. why couldnt she have had just a wee gathering of family and do a roast or a BBQ?!

iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii Wed 01-May-13 13:40:31

I would phone and tell her. They must be very confused to think this is a normal thing to do. They could have asked for people to bring food if they had wanted.

WireCatWhore Wed 01-May-13 13:41:03

Well. Now I really have heard it all.

Rowlers Wed 01-May-13 13:44:01

Too rude for words to ask for money. Has she no pride?

Oldraver Wed 01-May-13 13:46:44

Tell her you cant afford to contribut but you will go to the church ie the important bit

firesidechat Wed 01-May-13 13:46:48

I like what Wilson said.

I've been to tons and tons of parties where I was asked to bring a bottle of something and a plate of food, and was more than happy to oblige. It made it feel more like a "family" event and personal somehow.

What your friend has done is beyond rude and I think she needs telling actually. If you don't, she will continue to live in her weird parallel universe where this is an ok thing to do. Is she charging family members too? Words fail me!

GetOrfMoiLand Wed 01-May-13 13:49:42

Sheer brass NECK.

she wants it via paypal 3 months in advance....she obviously has a few bids going on ebay wink

What a cheek, no way would I be going.

CloudsAndTrees Wed 01-May-13 14:04:29

Wow. I can't believe how rude some people are!

I'd call her and laughingly ask her if she's joking, because she can't possibly be serious.

Shame her into realising how rude and grabby she is being.

WilsonFrickett Wed 01-May-13 14:29:32

I'm still shock at this. £15 per head! And no booze! I could get a michelin starred lunch for me and DP for £30!!

StealthOfficialCrispTester Wed 01-May-13 14:37:26

While this is rude and grabby, I recently went ti a colleagues birthday party that was a pay bar and didn't find that rude, in fact it's what I was expecting.

firawla Wed 01-May-13 14:42:32

its in her house and no drinks provided?? she is going to be making a profit from it - how weird

ChocsAwayInMyGob Wed 01-May-13 14:42:44

Stealth, having a pay bar is nothing like charging people to eat food in your home!

StealthOfficialCrispTester Wed 01-May-13 14:45:01

Chocs no sorry thT was to whois

StealthOfficialCrispTester Wed 01-May-13 14:45:55

Ah unless that was in someone's home in which case, yes, weird. The party I went to was in a working men's club

£15 per head, not per family? And BYOB? Crikey.

Would it be passive aggressive to say "Oh shall I bring my famous walnut coleslaw / garlic flatbread / banana cake instead? To save you from a bit of shopping?"

miffybun73 Wed 01-May-13 14:51:59

YANBU, so ridiculous I'd assume she must be joking.

Crinkle77 Wed 01-May-13 15:38:57

Cheek of the woman. You don't invite people to a christening then ask them to pay for the food ast the party. You could just go to the christening itself at the church and not go to the do after. Don't understand why people feel the need to have these big do's for christenings anyway. What's wrong with a light buffet or bbq at home. Much cheaper

MansView Wed 01-May-13 15:44:06

that's very cheeky - email her back and ask her for a copy of the menu up front....and copy all the other people in too

LeaveTheBarSteward Wed 01-May-13 16:18:29

It's £15 per couple.

DeskPlanner Wed 01-May-13 17:36:13

I really want to know if your going op ?

cleoowen Wed 01-May-13 17:46:06

Would not go or would just take my own food. That is very rude. Why should you pay to attend something she is organising? Plus I agree that price is too much.

I understand people charge per head in a t was restaurant but not for a party for a family member at their own home.

expatinscotland Wed 01-May-13 17:48:17

Decline. That is really cheeky. Asking people to bring a dish or their own meat for the grill is one thing, but charging admission is another. Bet you London to a brick she's not skint, though.

expatinscotland Wed 01-May-13 17:54:59

And none of this 'So sorry' or lies about not being able to afford it.


Don't pay her a penny.

Just decline. I don't care to hang out with people who use others as financial vehicles for their own gain so I'd probably start drifting away from this person. Someone this grabby usually has form for it.

Patosshades Wed 01-May-13 17:55:04

Awful grabby and rude. I bet the money is going towards the clothes and a fancy cake and you will all be served up frozen chips and sausages for your 15 quid grin

Hopasholic Wed 01-May-13 17:56:52

Blaady hell! Is she hiring Jamie Oliver to cook it?

I bet she does value sausages & horsemeat burgers grin

Do you know anyone else who's invited? What's their take on it?

usualsuspect Wed 01-May-13 17:57:51

I wouldn't mind taking my own booze or paying for it at a bar

But I wouldn't pay 15 quid for my food as well.

Alibabaandthe40nappies Wed 01-May-13 17:58:50

Dear god what is wrong with people!!

If you can't afford a big party then you can't afford it. Blimey.

ipswitch Wed 01-May-13 18:01:00

Hope you are not going.
Crazy People out there...Beware and don't get sucked in.

TheCrackFox Wed 01-May-13 18:15:46

I'd reply something like "sorry, really skint at the moment so I will pay you on the day". Then cancel at the last minute.


givemeaclue Wed 01-May-13 18:20:18

I wouldn't go. Height of rudeness to ask for money

GetOrfMoiLand Wed 01-May-13 19:23:47

I don't mind paying for drinks at a bar either, or taking some booze along.

Bearbehind Wed 01-May-13 19:31:00

The same thing has happened to me, been invited to a party but asked to contribute. I thought I was the only one who thought it was the height of rudeness.

If you go out for a meal to a restaurant for a special occasion with a group of friends then fair enough, people expect to pay their way, but they generally get to choose their own meal.

I think it is really off to invite people to a private venue and ask others to pay.

SugarMiceInTheRain Wed 01-May-13 19:36:45

Wow, that is seriously rude. I wouldn't be going and would be thinking less of them as friends after that invitation. If you can't afford a party, don't have one! Like you said, bringing a dish = fine, bringing a bottle = fine. But for goodness' sake, don't charge your guests and expect them to bring their own drinks. Loons.

Please come back and tell us how you respond OP grin

expatinscotland Wed 01-May-13 19:52:14

Is this a trend then? Seems to be more and more grabby pisstakers out there.

WTF? shock
Are they joking?

thermalsinapril Wed 01-May-13 20:00:34

YANBU. Parties are about providing hospitality to your guests. You provide for your guests when it's your party, and others provide for you when you attend theirs. You certainly don't go to other people's parties and consume the free food/drink and then expect them to pay to attend yours! Agree with Horrace that it might be best just to go to the service and then leave. If she doesn't have the funds for a party, why isn't she just doing tea and cake at the back of the church?

GreenEggsAndNichts Wed 01-May-13 20:48:00

OP will end up paying and going. smile Especially if, as she says, the woman and her DD are good friends of hers.

But yes, it's very rude. I'm not above asking for people to bring a dish, but even then that's usual for a casual BBQ. Celebrating something like a christening would be an occasion to host the whole thing yourself, and just tell adults if they want real drink they'll need to bring it. etc.

Shenanagins Wed 01-May-13 21:05:11

Better check there is no corkage charge as well!

AnnaRack Wed 01-May-13 21:30:51

Bet they have a baby gift list too. Shocking

Clandy Wed 01-May-13 22:06:45

I might ask her in advance for a contribution towards my gift....

olivertheoctopus Wed 01-May-13 22:15:14

Wow, that's rude. I'd be tempted to offer to take something tangible like a salad or a cake rather than cold hard cash.

expatinscotland Wed 01-May-13 22:43:53

Oh, Clandy, get real! She's a complete pisstaker! Don't pay £15 to line her pockets.

Go to the church service, leave a present and check out.

Anyone who does this isn't a mate.

Laquitar Wed 01-May-13 23:18:15

You can pop into my house tomorrow for a cup of tea. That will be £2.50 per head.

Playdate? Thats £10 per head. (pasta prices gone up)

Come to watch my holiday photos. Thats £7 per head.

What else next?

MusicalEndorphins Thu 02-May-13 07:10:38

That is very strange of your friend, do you know her well enough to ask her why she feels the need to throw a party beyond her means?
Since you don't want to go now, don't. Tell her you will be at the church for the baptism but have plans for afterwards. (If she mentions you didn't have plans before say you forgot)

ChocsAwayInMyGob Thu 02-May-13 09:02:46

OP-I like that idea! say "My gift cost £15 so you can just take that off my bill". smile

raisah Thu 02-May-13 09:18:33

Really bad mannered, grabby d & cheeky. Is she going to use the money to get nice food from Tescos / Waitrose or Lidl/ Tesco value & pocket the cash? It looks like a scheme to make a bit of money & get people to pay for a party.

The host should provide food & drink, if she cant afford it then she shouldnt have the party. I suppise she wants you to buy her dd a gift? I cant stand this sense of entitlement that people have. They want everything and dont want to save money for it but expect others to pick up the bill.

She could have asked for people to bring a dish & thats perfectly acceptable. To ask for cash contributions to fund her own party is really ill mannered. I feel the same way about couples who ask guests to pay for their own meals at wedding receptions.

raisah Thu 02-May-13 09:19:58

i meant nice food from m&s and waitrose not tescos and waitrose!

Yanbu. If she is religious, she will Christen her dd without a party, as Christenings are not about parties, but a religious ceremony.

She is rude and lacking manners. Using her baby to get people to sponsor a party. hmm

expatinscotland Thu 02-May-13 09:28:29

Behind every grabby pisstaker, Clandy, stands a mug. You pay this gal £15, that mug is you.

ENormaSnob Thu 02-May-13 11:08:22

I have just thought of the perfect gift.

A customised tee shirt saying 'baptised in 2013, sponsored by clandy and co'

melika Thu 02-May-13 11:15:29

OMG what is the world coming to?

I have had at least 2 parties a year, all get fed and watered. Some bring drinks because it's something they like specifically.

But to charge, sorry I wouldn't go.

whistleahappytune Thu 02-May-13 11:18:06

Bloody outrageous, and totally antithetical to the idea of a christening, which is about welcoming a new life to the community. This is a terrible start to give a baby!

I can see asking perhaps for people to bring a dish of something or even a bottle, but cash? Rude, rude and beyond rude.

Acandlelitshadow Thu 02-May-13 11:21:05

Cheeky mare shock

Go but take your own picnic grin

cafebistro Thu 02-May-13 11:23:45

Emsmaman - that happened to me too it was NYE of the millennium! Your party wasn't in Liverpool was it?? wink

maddening Thu 02-May-13 13:40:02

Take your own butties and a can of pop smile

Manchesterhistorygirl Thu 02-May-13 13:47:50

You are not being unreasonable!

It's beyond rude.

Dh and I were invited to a big birthday last year and asked to bring food, drink, chair to sit in each and a present!

This was shortly after a birthday party for the dc where we were also asked to bring food, drink and present, but no chair be sue we cold sit outside n the wall!

Same family obviously. Have you ever heard the like?

WandaDoff Thu 02-May-13 13:48:20

What a materialistic arsehole.

She wouldn't be getting any money from me, & she'd be told what a grasping cunt she is as well hmm

ChocsAwayInMyGob Thu 02-May-13 14:51:23

I've got a horrible feeling weddings will go this way in the not too distant future.

ChocsAwayInMyGob Thu 02-May-13 14:51:52

Only the Paypal details will be in rhyming form.

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