Bit of a slagging match at toddlers today Aibu?

(84 Posts)
D0GWithAYoni Tue 30-Apr-13 19:23:52

I actually posted about this group of people a while back when they pushed my ds over. This time it was a different mum, same group. They all come to this (what used to be a lovely toddler group) together. They are all quite young, but very childish young iyswim (I am/ was teen parent) so not judging on age simply behaviour.

My dc had the push along buggy but was at the front of it rearranging doll, child comes along tried to push away from the front, my ds then tried to pull it back and did so, other child starts screaming this awful high pitched scream. I knew ds wasn't in the wrong but asked him to share and let other child take it which he did with minimum fuss. The other child then sat in the corner with it for over ten mins refusing to move with it. He eventually let's go and my ds went and went to take it, other child kicks off and screams and the parents say something to my ds who then stands there face covered which generally means he's been told off.

I walked up to my ds "baby dog, what's the matter?" they instantly jump in with, he snatched it off oc" I know he didn't, pick him up big cuddle "it's ok baby dog some children aren't very good at sharing" to which mother kicks off "don't pick on him he's only 2" so I reply so is my ds and at two they need to be taught to share. The mother comes back with, I was feeding (quite old baby, 10 ish months) a bottle I can't do anything" well actually I've been there done that 4 dc 5 and under and had to breast feed whilst following smacksytoddler around, she could have passed to someone else to give a bottle. She then goes on about my ds hit hers about 7 months ago. Blah blah blah I then ignored and mutated rude words under breath and she then went and cried at toddler group leaver who had spoken to other leader who saw whole thing and said I'd done nothing wrong. They then spent the rest of the hour glaring at me and whispering about me.

I'm even embarrsed typing this it's all so juvenile sounding but I'm not bu am I?!

Sneezingwakesthebaby Tue 30-Apr-13 19:25:57

You sound about 12 years old. Or is that an insult to 12 year olds?

YABU.

thebody Tue 30-Apr-13 19:26:31

Don't go again. I hated toddler groups. Try a rhythms time or tumble tots.

Only for not giving the buggy to your DS. I'd find another toddler group, (probably after having my say)

phantomhairpuller Tue 30-Apr-13 19:28:05

I don't think YABU. I'd probably have reacted the same way confused she sounds like a bit of a twunt mind.

MoominsYonisAreScary Tue 30-Apr-13 19:28:56

Yanbu some people just can't be arsed to parent

alienbanana Tue 30-Apr-13 19:30:12

Hmm you were a bit PA tbh.

I'm so glad I never bothered with toddler groups.

IsThatTrue Tue 30-Apr-13 19:32:53

I want to be able to mutate rude words under my breathe! grin

Oh YANBU as far as I'm concerned, some people never believe their little darling is in the wrong.

D0GWithAYoni Tue 30-Apr-13 19:33:09

You see sneezing, I know, it really does sound that way, but they're so awful. I'm really blush about the whole thing.

Thebidy, it was such a nice group before these people came. Really chilled out nice mums nice leaders etc. I'm reluctant to leave because of these people

D0GWithAYoni Tue 30-Apr-13 19:33:39

Mutatedgrin

D0GWithAYoni Tue 30-Apr-13 19:34:44

I think she quite wanted to take it outsode shock

D0GWithAYoni Tue 30-Apr-13 19:35:06

Gah outside

ImTooHecsyForYourParty Tue 30-Apr-13 19:35:25

talk to the people you do get on with and perhaps arrange something else for a different day? Maybe coffee and play at your place?

lougle Tue 30-Apr-13 19:35:46

You lost the high ground when you talked to the woman through your DS; sorry.

Instead of "it's ok baby dog some children aren't very good at sharing", why couldn't you just have said 'there are lots of toys; let's go and find something over here...'

?

SwishSwoshSwoosh Tue 30-Apr-13 19:35:52

The only thing you can do is not go. Find another group.

D0GWithAYoni Tue 30-Apr-13 19:38:41

Thing is lougle I didn't especially I was explaining to ds not talking to her through him. I would happily have raised it with her had I felt the need.

TSSDNCOP Tue 30-Apr-13 19:38:49

grin what is a mutated rude word? Is it like "peducking well ufunt"

It's very hard not to be U in those circumstances. Persevere they peduck off soon I expect grin

KingRollo Tue 30-Apr-13 19:39:06

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

D0GWithAYoni Tue 30-Apr-13 19:39:54

Really swish, just allow them to push me out? Ds loves it there it's the only real day I can do toddler group and there aren't any others in the area on the same day and there are plenty of people I am friendly with. I don't see why I shouldn't go tbh.

D0GWithAYoni Tue 30-Apr-13 19:40:51

grin TSS I actually did laugh out loud at peduck off.

Oh ffs the other mum brought up something that happened 7 months ago.

Sod'em find somewhere else to go.

NeoMaxiZoomDweebie Tue 30-Apr-13 19:43:03

Don't lower yourself since you seem to know that you're "better" than them...don't look at them and if they speak to you, smile and be polite.

RandallPinkFloyd Tue 30-Apr-13 19:47:58

I've never set foot in a toddler group and I do sometimes feel a bit bad about it.

Luckily one of these threads pops up every time I start doubting myself.

No YANBU but my god toddler groups sound like the seventh circle of hell!

lougle Tue 30-Apr-13 19:48:05

Your DS is 2 years old.

You may have been talking to him, but you were addressing the other woman grin

CrapBag Tue 30-Apr-13 19:48:30

I find its always the parents that aren't actually doing any parenting that react in this way OP. Your child did nothing wrong, I actually wouldn't have forced him to share it with a child that tried to grab it off him in the first place. I think it teaches them that others have the right to anything they have whenever they want it.

Anyway, don't let them push you out. Keep taking your DS there and enjoying it. Just ignore them and don't engage.

A group that I have been going to for year has turned a bit like this and I have to admit I have stopped going but as its not near my house and I was travelling anyway, I'm not bothered about it.

D0GWithAYoni Tue 30-Apr-13 19:48:45

Neo, I don't think I'm better than them.

D0GWithAYoni Tue 30-Apr-13 19:51:00

See crapbag I just couldn't bear the screaming not crying but screaming like something terrible was about to happen, I wouldn't normally have forced ds but, my ears.

Mum sat for entire time with child on her lap, not moving, I actually felt sorry for her ds who cleary wanted some attention.

SarahAndFuck Tue 30-Apr-13 20:02:53

Can you at least speak to the people who run the group about the way you feel, rather than just disappear.

I don't mean you should ask them to intervene or ban the other families etc, but just give them a bit of feedback as you see it.

D0GWithAYoni Tue 30-Apr-13 20:06:38

Sarah I already did because group leader spoke to th girl who turned in water works, she told her she would talk to me, spoke to me said she knew I was in the right but could I maybe speak to other girl. I said no, I wasn't in the wrong and wasn't going to act as if I'd been told off the apologise iyswim. I'm not going to stop going, I've been going for almost 3 years and won't allow this group to push us out iyswim

D0GWithAYoni Tue 30-Apr-13 20:07:14

Group leader has actually become a good friend of mine too.

CrapBag Tue 30-Apr-13 20:10:45

Yeah that must have been tough. The mother clearly knew something was up and chose to do nothing about it though, she must have heard her child screaming.

I admit though, when I think I am right, nothing will sway me and I still wouldn't give in to a screaming child, but I can see why you did.

Oh and the crying to group leader? Please!!! This girl needs to get a fucking grip! Good on you for not going and talking to her.

MiaowTheCat Tue 30-Apr-13 20:16:36

You don't half sound all the way through your post like you think you're far far better than them. So until proven otherwise I'm considering it was probably six of one and half a dozen of the other.

Couple of nice digs how she's bottle feeding so obviously that's utterly interruptable and she can chuck that child on anyone as well.

D0GWithAYoni Tue 30-Apr-13 20:22:25

No Miaow I'm not digging about method of feeding but the way she thinks because she is feeding (not a tiny baby btw) that she doesn't have to parent her other child. It's not like that when you have two.

needaholidaynow Tue 30-Apr-13 20:24:03

I go to a toddler group once a week and I absolutely dread this sort of thing happening. I do wonder if the wrong person is going to walk through the door, their child and my child have a bit of a squabble as toddlers tend to do, and then all hell will break loose on their part.

I tend to keep myself to myself at the group, and actively encourage my child to share and be nice to the other children there. I only go for child's benefit, not to make friends.

MiaowTheCat Tue 30-Apr-13 20:31:26

I fucking well have two. One a refluxy bottle fed child, the other a crawler that a very nasty clique have decided they want nowhere near the corner of the room that they've declared is theirs - I can't exactly throw my refluxy child at someone random to carry on feeding when that's likely to set off the puke cannon, and the looks of utter hatred when my eldest goes near the corner that the big clique don't want her in and I've got both hands tied feeding the younger one... is the reason the clique got what they wanted and I don't go to groups anymore.

So don't lecture me on how it works with two. You sound incredibly judgemental and rather smug.

I still think you're both as bad as each other - you think they're some kind of chavvy group of yobs from the way that you describe them, and they didn't immediately jump to sort a situation that made you unhappy.

Perhaps dear Mr Kyle can sort this all out for you... actually that could be a new sideline for him - sorting out kerfuffles at soft play and playgroups... "Who took the big red car - lie detector results"

crashdoll Tue 30-Apr-13 20:33:52

Meh, I think you were both as bad as each other. But leave the group if it's not for you, life's too short.

tiredemma Tue 30-Apr-13 20:36:30

I avoided all these types of clubs.

I have two perfectly sound and normal boys.

D0GWithAYoni Tue 30-Apr-13 20:43:59

No miaow, I'm not smug. My dc have all been awful at one stage or another. I readily accept that, but when they're awful I watch them and when they behave badly I discipline them/ step in.

Dc 4 was also a very refluxy baby, it's not easy, actually more than that its hell.I have a huge amount of sympathy for you but I do think you're projecting. This group is not like that. She simply allows her child to rampage whilst she does piss all. That's not on. It's not.

greenformica Tue 30-Apr-13 20:51:46

I go to a great toddler group but yours sounds awful. Can you find a nicer one?

D0GWithAYoni Tue 30-Apr-13 20:54:45

Green it really isn't, it's lovely, they do fab snack, a different craft activity each week, are lovely ladies and I'm in charge of the singing. I love it, it's just these new group, four mums I'd say who are awful. Tbf I think group leader is at a loss of what to do.

diddl Tue 30-Apr-13 20:56:27

"Slagging match"??

NeoMaxiZoomDweebie Tue 30-Apr-13 21:06:14

Dog I didn't mean that in a bad way....just that you obviously know better...practice that as a way of life. Don't go there.

MrsBucketxx Tue 30-Apr-13 21:08:42

as I always say ignore ignore ignore,

keep going but dont engage at all, I think you where both a bit U tbh, having two is tough especially when one doesn't share well like my ds, and you have to deal with the other.

distraction was the tactic you should have used with your ds, and dont say anything else.

I think I'd have done the same DOG and yes Miaow is projecting a little.

Slightly passive aggressive to say "it's ok baby dog some children aren't very good at sharing" but I know for a fact I'd have done the same.

It's teaandcakeplease here btw grin

SabrinaMulhollandJjones Tue 30-Apr-13 22:20:28

Yanbu, but I always go along the ignore route too. I try not to get involved over squabbles over toys (unless they actually become violent!).

CrapBag Tue 30-Apr-13 22:32:57

Dog I know where you are coming from. There is a mum at the group I have stopped going to that lets her child run riot. Its always always the same child that hurts one of the others. She is never watching and never intervenes unless another mum specifically goes and tells her. If she does see something, she tells her DD they will leave and never do.

I got fed up one day when this child (much older than my DD) pushed my DD off the steps to the slide. I was watching anyway and quickly ran over but I told off this child for pushing (DD did bang her head hard and it was off the top step to the slide) then the mum finally came over and I told her that her DD pushed mine off the steps, she told her off, made an empty threat and sat down again. Same as when my friend had to inform her that her DD was throwing wooden bricks in her DDs face. So no OP, I don't think you sound smug or anything else like that, it does sound like this mum is like others I have met at these groups. And it is a shame as mine was a really nice group but it is changing.

valiumredhead Tue 30-Apr-13 22:41:06

I think people forget the whole point of toddler groups...

D0GWithAYoni Tue 30-Apr-13 23:04:37

The point being Valium?

valiumredhead Tue 30-Apr-13 23:05:34

That kids need to learn how to socialise and clearly some adults do too!

CautionaryWhale Wed 01-May-13 00:05:45

YANBU nor do you sound smug or particularly judgy confused
Go to your group, do your singing and the four giving you the evils whilst letting their kids run amok can deal with the consequences of their kids being meltdown divas - two is plenty old enough to learn about turn-taking.

D0GWithAYoni Wed 01-May-13 07:58:57

Is that a dig at me Valium? I am truly not awful I was just seriously pissed off by this point at her total lack of interest.

I will definitely ignore in future. But I'm not going to stop going.

<<waves at Tea smile>>

D0GWithAYoni Wed 01-May-13 07:59:57

Also it's interesting on mn who you can't simply say someone is awful without being called smug or judgey. Some people are dicks, they just are.

I reckon that child was used to getting his own way if he screamed enough wink

Hate, hate, hate toddler groups. Wish I hadn't wasted so much time going to them, but I was desperately lonely.

The only thing they do that's positive is toughen you up for the real war ground - the school gates.

Good luck op. Do what feels right for you and little dog.

D0GWithAYoni Wed 01-May-13 08:13:58

Actually dontstep, I think you're right I was a bit hmm the previous week when at home time he screamed having buggy taken away so his mum asked if he could take it home and bring it back the following week!

Are they really that bad? Going to my first toddler group next week with DS. Are they all cliquey and judgey?

OP I wouldn't say you're unreasonable, though braver than me. I don't do confrontation. I'd have led him away from the toy and ignored the screaming child, and the screaming child's mother.

Lurkymclurker Wed 01-May-13 08:25:48

For the record I go to 3/4 toddler groups a week and love them smile it's horses for courses, DD gets access to toys/crafts that we don't have and gets to socialise and learn behaviour etc, I don't go for me but have found some nice people to talk to and some not so nice to avoid.

In your situation I think I would have done the same, but maybe this week I would approach the mum and say something along the lines of how it's water under the bridge and you hope the boys will play together.

Don't stop going, I'm sure if you have been there 3 years you have seen no end of parents come and go, you never know, they might get bored soon wink

GlassofRose Wed 01-May-13 08:36:35

I'm with dontstep on this... I reckon screaming is the kiddos usual tactic and mum gives in for easy life.

I reckon you carry on going, ignore the twunt.

valiumredhead Wed 01-May-13 08:42:55

Why would you think it was a dig at you OP?

MrsBucketxx Wed 01-May-13 08:48:57

I go to two a week and its more for dd than me,

there is one mum I can't stand but I avoid her, I only have to see her and I get all stabby.

D0GWithAYoni Wed 01-May-13 08:53:56

I thought you were staying I needed to learn social skills Valium.

Kirjava, there are some lovely groups, I despite this dick love my toddler group, the mums who run it are just lovely lovely people. There are also lots of nice normal mums who go too.

valiumredhead Wed 01-May-13 08:54:37

No I wasn't.

D0GWithAYoni Wed 01-May-13 09:02:20

Ah ok smile. No need to take it outside then?! grin

valiumredhead Wed 01-May-13 09:08:59

Not on this occasion wink

D0GWithAYoni Wed 01-May-13 09:10:38

Phew.

FrenchJunebug Wed 01-May-13 09:14:20

you call your kid "baby dog"?!

anklebitersmum Wed 01-May-13 09:25:58

Toddler group <SHUDDER>

YA a little BU for being at a toddler group and not expecting the Spoilt Brat Brigade to play you up at some point. Says it all that Mummy went crying to the teacher.

I've seen this type in action, all puff and snide comments until someone says something and then they crumble in to a snivelling, sobbing, gasping wreck for an audience-usually whilst sneakily casting smug looks over the 'authority figure's' shoulder.

As someone said earlier these types are often found on the school playground where they continue to reign supreme-usually from the safety of the PTA.

YANBU. So ignore, ignore, ignore.

Failing that organise a bake sale & 'accidently' throw a pointy flapjack at her grin

D0GWithAYoni Wed 01-May-13 09:32:17

No French of course not I call him by his name but not on here.

choccyp1g Wed 01-May-13 09:36:49

FrenchJunebugWed 01-May-13 09:14:20 you call your kid "baby dog"?!

It's a mumsnet thing, like yours would be referred to as "Babybug" mine would be "Choccypiglet". not to their faces though.

choccyp1g Wed 01-May-13 09:37:43

Could be worse, you might have called him "littleYoni" grin

ryanboy Wed 01-May-13 09:44:49

YABU Don't get so involved with the rights and wrongs of a dispute between 2 toddlers!!
1)These are 2 year olds. They don't share, they hit , they scream.That is not bad parenting that is being a 2 yr old!!
2) When you have another child to look after, you are going to take your eye off the other child(ren) and will sometimes miss something
3)You should not have taken the buggy away from your DS and given it to the other child, and similarly you should not have let your DS take the buggy from the other child ,the second they let go of it.
4)Main one.You should not have talked to the other mum through your child.That was downright rude.Why didn't you just say with a smile 'OK but baby dog' has been waiting for it for 10 minutes , coulkd you let him have it when OC has finished, and then tajkke your DC to play with something else

anklebitersmum Wed 01-May-13 10:05:15

I always found it amazing that these Mothers are never looking when their child is screaming and snatching and upsetting someone else but always manage to drag their eyes to them when there's even the slightest chance of an issue being deemed another child's fault. hmm

D0GWithAYoni Wed 01-May-13 10:07:42

grin at little yoni.

2) When you have another child to look after, you are going to take your eye off the other child(ren) and will sometimes miss something

I'm well aware of that, I also take two dc to toddlers and used to take 3. Of course you sometimes miss something. That's totally understandable and forgiveable. What isn't is sitting with a mobile baby held on your lap the entire session, and using that as an excuse not to move or discipline, it's no wonder the child screams. At one point he kept doing these blood curdling screams. She stood from other side of room and bellowed for him to come to her because they were going home and over whilst the child kept screaming. When eventually he did she sat texting on her phone and ignoring him. She's a dick.

D0GWithAYoni Wed 01-May-13 10:10:24

I'm also well aware two year old hit and scream and its norma im actually qualified kn child developmentl. What isn't normal is to not model good behaviour back.

ryanboy Wed 01-May-13 10:15:16

I really wouldn't have taken the toy that your DS was playing with away from him.Giving up something the instant another child wants it isn't really what sharing is about, and you and he are both going to get frustrated when other family's don't reciprocate.

ryanboy Wed 01-May-13 10:15:32

families doh!!

D0GWithAYoni Wed 01-May-13 10:16:50

I wouldn't normally have done Ryan, but god the noise was making my ears bleed!

GreenEggsAndNichts Wed 01-May-13 10:28:35

Some toddler groups are great, some are full of cliques and not worth going back to. I went to a few regularly, wrote off a few immediately (sometimes you just get that vibe, no one speaks to you, not even the person running it, etc) and a few I went to just long enough to make friends I could meet with elsewhere. grin It was a bit of a leap for me to do it, but I'm glad we went as we did meet a lot of people. DS will be going to school in Sept, and we've been at the playground near the school and we both remember several mums and children from the groups.

Anyway, I find passive-aggressive mums at groups especially tedious. I had some borderline shouty passive-aggressive mum at a SureStart group I went to with DS. At some point, DS hit her child (he was in that phase, which most children go through) and yes I was correcting him, but that didn't stop her from shrieking to her friends how omg that child HIT my CHILD etc, as if it were premeditated assault by an adult. Mind, she didn't actually get up, she just shouted about it from across the room where she was sitting with her friends. He didn't do it again but by god she wouldn't shut up about it. I never went back to that group. smile

I'd have just said "lets play with these toys over here" and left it at that. I think the "some children aren't very good at sharing" line is just bound to irritate. That's something you say when you're alone with your child, but if the mum is there then it's you judging and commenting on that mum, whether or not you want to think it is.

CrapBag Fri 03-May-13 10:37:38

Definitely sounds like he screams to get his own way because it works.

Asking to take the pram home for a week because he screamed about having it put away! shock Says it all really.

TheRealFellatio Fri 03-May-13 10:48:17

The parents who perennially ignore their own child snatching/biting/hitting/not sharing/manipulating are ALWAYS the first ones to create merry hell whenever someone else does something to their little darlings.

It is one of the annoying laws of the universe. Always has been, always will be. the trouble is, no-one recognizes themselves as that mother.

Can I "like" your comment, Fellatio smile

IsItMeOr Fri 03-May-13 15:41:19

I don't get why you would make an adult fight over a couple fo 2yos both wanting to play with the same toy.

You are being disingenuous in thinking that it is not passive-aggressive to talk about another child's behaviour in those terms in their parents' hearing without allowing for the possibility that the parent might take offence. Never a wise call when other parent has a 10mo (who may never let them sleep for all you know).

So given your own child-rearing experience, I would expect you to know better. Sorry!

TheRealFellatio Fri 03-May-13 20:09:12

You may NQP grin

Doubtfuldaphne Fri 03-May-13 23:44:28

I know how upsetting this is as I had the same at my local toddler group. One boy did a running body slam in to my 11 month old who had just started walking and she was absolutely terrified. He just laughed. The mother did nothing and still ignores me when I see her around.
Cliquey groups, feeling out of place, bully kids.. I absolutely detest toddler groups.
Stop going there - there must me more stuff to do instead elsewhere?

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