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To think my DP should be able to come over late at night

(57 Posts)
AnneNonimous Tue 30-Apr-13 15:48:42

Without me being accused of being a prostitute!!!!

I have lived in my current flat since January. It's a house converted into 2 flats and I'm upstairs. Downstairs live a couple (I assume they are a couple) who have seemed fine up until now. Not particularly friendly but their choice.

My DP works unsociable hours so often he will visit and turn up at 10. He does not make a lot of noise when he comes in, if he goes out to smoke he takes a walk so he's not hanging around outside their window downstairs. I accept there will be some noise of him going up and down the stairs but he makes no unnecessary noise.

Last night we were up late and he went for a cigarette at 1am. He told me when he'd come back in the woman downstairs and opened her door to look at him and shut it again.

He left this morning and at lunch time I found a note by my door saying could I keep the noise down before they report me to my landlord for 'immoral activities'. Now I'm assuming this is because I have a man coming in and out because I can't for the life of me think what else it could be.

Aibu in thinking it is not their business who I have in my house or at what time if they are not making any unnecessary noise?!?! I

shewhowines Tue 30-Apr-13 15:49:37


diddl Tue 30-Apr-13 15:51:51

What a ridiculous note!

Although, if he does disturb them, I can see how that would be annoying.

Plathism Tue 30-Apr-13 15:51:54

grin They sound a bit crazy. Ignore!

WilsonFrickett Tue 30-Apr-13 15:52:06

Sorry, but that's actually made me grin. Maybe he could take his shoes off before he goes upstairs? him and all your gentlemen callers

whois Tue 30-Apr-13 15:52:07

Ah that's v funny!

You should take to prancing about in a red leather corset or something :-)

Plathism Tue 30-Apr-13 15:52:59

Ask them what they mean by immoral activities. They might just be really anti-smoking...

AnneNonimous Tue 30-Apr-13 15:55:07

Oh and to make it worse I live with my 13 month old! It's humiliating

AnneNonimous Tue 30-Apr-13 15:56:32

And if I didn't have him visiting and it was me going in and out the house is that something they could even complain about? Isn't that just part of living in a flat?

WTFisABooyhooISBooyhoo Tue 30-Apr-13 15:58:24

ooh i would have to knock her door and aske her to clarify what immoral activites she meant. i would need to see how red her face went! grin

Crinkle77 Tue 30-Apr-13 15:59:57

It depends how often he goes out for a ciggy

AnneNonimous Tue 30-Apr-13 16:01:22

crinkle last night was just once otherwise no more than twice in an evening

ChaoticTranquility Tue 30-Apr-13 16:01:48

Sorry but I'm grin at immoral activities.

aldiwhore Tue 30-Apr-13 16:04:26

Arf at 'immoral activities'.

YANBU to be mightily pissed off. Your neighbours have the right to question, to ask if you might keep the noise down, but they are completely out of order to assume you're engaging in something distasteful.

I would, if you feel the need to, just explain that your DP works unsociable hours, he isn't your pimp.

ThingummyBob Tue 30-Apr-13 16:10:41

I dated someone last year who's downstairs neighbours were like this hmm He literally creeps up and down stairs to his own flat in bare feet.

I didn't. I refuse to take my shoes off when entering a communal area to keep some fussy old twats happy. They probably shouldn't live in a flat though is my first thought.

Am grin about the immoral activities... I'd be inclined to play up to their weird concerns about your nocturnal habits wink

mrsjay Tue 30-Apr-13 16:11:03

My neighbour could have written that note it maybe was she is a loon, she accused a young lad of have orgies once because he had a party and girls traipsed in and out of the building to smoke and they were in heels,

anyway I think this person is a loon and needs to be ignored jeez some people

SanitaryOwl Tue 30-Apr-13 16:13:19

They might not know it's the same person coming and going - you might want to explain to them that you PARTNER works odd hours, and smokes outside.

Jux Tue 30-Apr-13 16:14:39

As he's your guest, and you've invited him to stay, then he can go in and out as many times as he likes. Unless there's a clause in your tenancy that says you can't have people round.

They are being idiotic.

BarredfromhavingStella Tue 30-Apr-13 16:15:21

I too would absolutely have to knock on thier door & ask precisely what they meant... YANBU.

msrisotto Tue 30-Apr-13 16:15:44

How very dare they! angry
Outrageous. Definitely knock on their door and ask what the hell they are alluding to.

mumofweeboys Tue 30-Apr-13 16:22:22

I do understand how they could be annoyed by opening and closing door at night. I live in a terrace and both neighbours are shift workers and opening closing front door and walking up stairs in early hours often wakes me or the kids up. However would never complain as just one of those things living in a terrace. What a cheek your neighbours have. I would pass note onto landlord and say you would call it harrassment

Go and talk to them and ask them to clarify what you are doing that is so immoral.

That'll make them squirm.

Silly people

AnneNonimous Tue 30-Apr-13 16:30:05

Well I'm so glad it's not just me that thinks they're ridiculous. I get very paranoid about not annoying people as I know people see a young single mum at home with a baby and make assumptions. But this has really pissed me off!

quoteunquote Tue 30-Apr-13 16:30:16

Dear neighbour,

Of course we will try to keep the noise to a minimal,

But what in fact first alerted to you, to our cannibalistic tendencies?

as we thought we were being discreet.

thanks AnneNonimous

I agree with confronting them, just ask nicely what they think you're doing that is immoral. If you ignore it they'll sit there all smug thinking, well that told her. Ugh. How bitchy.

Or get your partner to stomp extra loud... Then sigh when he's outside and loudly proclaim "SO worth the money!" grin

PuddingsAndPies Tue 30-Apr-13 16:33:15

When my DP lived in a flat, he sometimes took his rubbish out to the bins after dark (especially in the winter, because he was at work all day!) & one of the neighbours wrote him a note saying it was sinister and suspicious grin

AnneNonimous Tue 30-Apr-13 16:33:28

kirjava grin

Considering ordering various Ann summers items as we share a letterbox and sashaying down to collect them in a silk nighty and clear heels

I think you are duty bound after a note like that to have very noisy, prolonged intercourse several times a night, every night grin. With windows open.
They are within their rights to complain about noise, but mentioning 'immoral activities' is just plain rude. Are they very anti-sexbeforemarriage??

NotKathyReichs Tue 30-Apr-13 16:35:48

grin at immoral activities!

I second quoteunoquote and kirjavas suggestion

Can you post your address so a load of mumsnetters can come round dressed outlandishly grin

We could put a bloke in a dog collar and drag him upstairs, get someone turning up with a box of hamsters, a vicar.....

we could really have fun with this

Snazzynewyear Tue 30-Apr-13 16:41:15

Definitely go and speak to them. They have written a note precisely because they don't want to talk about it, so make them. Go to the door with it and say 'I got this note and I'm really puzzled by it, can you tell me what this reference to 'immoral activities' is all about?'

You can then have the discussion about your partner and the hours he keeps etc. I'm not saying you have to justify your life to them at all, but I would want to make this clear to them in your position. Apart from anything else, they will then be so shamefaced that you will be able to have all sorts of wild parties in future and they won't dare complain grin

Sidge Tue 30-Apr-13 16:59:16

I sympathise, donkey's years ago my neighbour told other neighbours I was on the game!

This was because when my husband was away at sea I very occasionally <whisper> had a party, or a BBQ, or one of my closest friends who just happened to be male would pop round for a coffee or to help me with a DIY job.

When I got wind of her malicious rumours I challenged her on it, and said if I was a pro I'd live somewhere far nicer as I'd have more money grin

AndBingoWasHisNameOh Wed 01-May-13 09:25:34

They may not mean prostitution, they may consider hanky panky outside of marriage as immoral.

Ha ha! When DH and I were younger we lived in a house that was converted in to 3 flats. We lived in the middle. In the ground floor flat was an old lady and in the upstairs flat was a woman in her 30's. The old lady from downstairs once pulled us aside and told us that the woman upstairs was a prostitute because she would come and go often in the early hours of the morning. hmm Turned out she was actually the manager of a cinema so didn't finish work till 2am most nights. Pissed her off no end that the old lady was spreading rumours about her.

thermalsinapril Wed 01-May-13 09:52:02

Isn't harrassing your neighbours immoral? And it could possibly be reported to the landlord? Keep the note as evidence and a record of your conversations in case things unfortunately escalate.

freddiefrog Wed 01-May-13 10:00:20

Unless he's stomping up and down stairs in hobnail boots and slamming doors every 5 minutes, I can't imagine that nipping in and out for a fag a couple of times will make that much noise anyway

I sympathise, when DH and I first moved out we had neighbours next door who were utterly disgusted that we lived together and weren't married. I spoke to the council in the end and they warned them off

SundaysGirl Wed 01-May-13 10:02:42

grin Immoral Activities. Sorry that did make me chuckle!

I agree going to have a word and explaining this is your partner and he is going outside for a cigarette is probably the most sensible course of action. However probably not the most fun one wink

Sallyingforth Wed 01-May-13 10:15:06

1. Put a red light in your front window.
2. Tell her your customers are entitled to smoke afterwards.
3. Invite her up for a threesome.

BottleRed76 Wed 01-May-13 10:16:55

Cheeky cow.
Sounds like a nutter.
No need for you to explain yourself or your partners movements. Absolutely none of her business.
I'd want to confront her to ask her exactly what she was accusing me of. Make it clear that it was a very serious allegation and would be seeking legal advice and speaking to her landlord regarding harassment. Would need someone independent there as a witness, just in case.
If she doesn't seem bothered and you have to follow through then write her a formal letter stating what's been said / done and if any further unfounded allegations are received you will instruct a solicitor. Cc her landlord

Maybe if you're young with a baby she thinks she can bully you.

BottleRed76 Wed 01-May-13 10:18:39

Apologies for lack of punctuation.

cozietoesie Wed 01-May-13 10:21:15

On the contrary, SundaysGirl . Going to talk to them about it could be a lot of fun indeed. It all depends what the OP is wearing when she does it!


LessMissAbs Wed 01-May-13 10:27:48

OMG how rude!!! I would write them an extremely terse letter pointing out that their offensive accusations amount to harassment of you in your home, and of your partner when he visits.

Some people can behave oddly in flats. I did a stint working in a council department which dealt with noise complaints, and you would not believe how petty some of them were. One that sticks in my mind is the woman who lived next to a university, who complained about the noise her student neighbours made when they came in from work at night. She wanted us to order them to remove their shoes and creep up a stone staircase barefoot. She would buzz on their door for minutes at a time during the day to "punish" them if they made any noise during the night.

And the upstairs neighbours of my own flat one day announced that they could start speaking to me because they had realised I owned my own home, instead of renting it (like they did), despite the fact I lived on my own!

piprabbit Wed 01-May-13 10:29:08

I think any conversation should start "Are you saying I'm a slag or summfink?" - set the tone early grin.

anklebitersmum Wed 01-May-13 10:40:47

grin Immoral activities Fnar

I'd let her go to the landlord and then insist on a meeting.

Neighbours can be flippin' old one ranted at a very confused Police Officer that I "had a man in there" when I'd called them reference an attempted break in at 1am.

The 'man' was my fiance of whom she disapproved the nutter hmm

samandi Wed 01-May-13 13:47:46

The thing about immoral activities is just plain weird, but it's incredibly annoying when neighbours (and especially their guests) slam doors and stomp up and down the stairs in the middle of the night. Your DP probably wakes them up on a frequent basis.

samandi Wed 01-May-13 13:50:50

Unless he's stomping up and down stairs in hobnail boots and slamming doors every 5 minutes, I can't imagine that nipping in and out for a fag a couple of times will make that much noise anyway

Sorry, but that's exactly the kind of attitude that leads to problems with noise. If it's past ten (and certainly past eleven or midnight) you should be making all efforts to be quiet in communal areas IMO.

Whatalotofpiffle Wed 01-May-13 13:51:15

Oh my god how rude! YANBU!!

samandi Wed 01-May-13 13:53:58

One that sticks in my mind is the woman who lived next to a university, who complained about the noise her student neighbours made when they came in from work at night. She wanted us to order them to remove their shoes and creep up a stone staircase barefoot.

Likewise ...

The thing about removing shoes I can completely understand. My neighbours used to stomp up and down in heels in the middle of the night which probably woke the entire block up, they were incredibly loud. If she was subjected to that - and being woken up - every night it gets very annoying.

Pigsmummy Wed 01-May-13 14:26:42

Just ask them what they mean, I suspect that they think that when your DP goes out to smoke they think it's a different person coming in? So last night they probably think that you had 3 men around (which you are entitled to do), jus to keep the piece explain that your DP had popped out a couple of times. You don't have to explain yourself to them but for the sake of a few minutes of your time it mig be worth just clearing the air?

LondonMan Wed 01-May-13 14:30:53

Some people use terminology differently to the rest of us...

A woman I heard on the radio had been told by the Irish nuns who ran her orphanage that her mother had been a prostitute. She grew-up thinking her mother had been a sex-worker, it was only when she was about 30 that she suddenly recalled that prostitute was a term the nuns would use to describe any woman who had sex with someone other than their husband.

SizzleSazz Wed 01-May-13 14:32:04

I would post the note back through their door with the comment 'I think you put this through the wrong door?' grin

LondonMan Wed 01-May-13 14:32:12

So any never-married single mother would be a prostitute, according to nuns.

edwardsmum11 Wed 01-May-13 14:33:05

Maybe it was the red strobe lights....

Bunraku Wed 01-May-13 14:34:25

Strange people. You absolutely must go and ask for clarification and post the response grin

Januarymadness Wed 01-May-13 14:37:54

I am sorry. I know I am just rubber necking but I just have to see how this ends....grin

Flobbadobs Wed 01-May-13 15:42:34

make up a price list and put it through the door
Write them a polite note explaining the circumstances and ask them to stop judging you by their own obviously very low standards...

Jan49 Wed 01-May-13 21:25:57

I think you should write her a note expressing your concern that she would only report immoral activities if the noise disturbed her. As an upstanding person yourself you would report immoral activities whether they were noisy or not. You are also concerned about the hint of blackmail in her note as blackmail is a crime.grin

But I don't think your DP should be going out for a smoke at 1 am because he may disturb the neighbours even if he is as quiet as possible. Also, if he often stays it would be better to introduce him to the neighbours. Otherwise they'd be right to be concerned about an unknown stranger letting themselves in the house with a key at 1 am, if it's a communal hallway.

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