or is DH re us using a male babysitter?

(116 Posts)
Carikube Tue 30-Apr-13 12:06:43

Background is that we have no family nearby so are on the lookout for babysitters that we can use occasionally. I mentioned this at a playgroup that I take DD2 to and one of the dads there said that he would be willing to do it if we would return the favour.

I told DH this when he got home and he has categorically stated that he is not having a man babysit the DDs. I think he's being ridiculous but he won't budge. It's not a question of him not liking the idea of using someone he's never met as where we used to live I was a member of a babysitting circle and he had never met some of the other women that were members but was happy to accept the fact that I had met them.

DH canvassed opinion amongst some other dads when he went out the other night and they apparently said that they could see both sides of the argument and that neither of us are BU as they realise it is a bit sexist but that they would be a bit uncomfortable with it as well.

So I told DH I would put it to the MN jury and see what the result was...

ICBINEG Tue 30-Apr-13 12:07:43

horribly sexist. HIBVU

CajaDeLaMemoria Tue 30-Apr-13 12:08:52

Is he uncomfortable with using someone that neither of you know very well?

Your middle paragraph says he doesn't mind using someone that you know but he doesn't, and has done this in the past: but do you know the man at playgroup well, or is he just a casual acquaintance?

Or is his reservations simply because the babysitter is male?

NotDead Tue 30-Apr-13 12:09:12

Its very dangerous having a male babysitter.

KatAndKit Tue 30-Apr-13 12:09:41

He is being unreasonable and sexist. How would he like if people assumed he was a child abuser just because he has a penis?

My best friend's brother was my "nanny" for a while. It got very difficult coming up with acceptable terms - nanny, mums-n-tots (I think that become People'n'tots....), but other than that, it worked well. He went on to become a primary school teacher.

What ages are DDs?

He is being ridiculous. I bet if he offered to babysit and was told that he wasn't suitable because of his gender he would be pissed off.

mistlethrush Tue 30-Apr-13 12:10:24

We were members of a babysitting circle for a bit - DH went to do the babysitting - but we did check that they were OK with this before he went.

Isn't it sad that 'men' are viewed like this, particularly when that view is coming from another man. Has your DH thought about what this says or implies about him?

NotDead Tue 30-Apr-13 12:10:49

Your child might be forced into playing army games, learning knot-craft, kicking balls, and all manner of physical survival things that women just wouldn't do.

I wouldn't be surprised if a few weeks in your child will be expected to take an engine apart, or be forced to play Lego Technics or meccano or something. hmm

Scholes34 Tue 30-Apr-13 12:11:42

I wouldn't have a problem with the babysitter being male. It's more important that I feel comfortable with the babysitter, regardless of the sex or age. DH has babysat in the past for friends in a babysitting circle.

On the grounds that he is statistically more likely to abuse his daughters than a stranger, perhaps you should suggest it is not safe to leave him alone with them?

On the other hand, I can understand how the media-hysteria has made even sensible people unsettled about leaving their children with "strange men".

ICBINEG Tue 30-Apr-13 12:12:37

notdead phew - you had me going for a moment their...

From our point of view not knowing anyone involved the most likely person to abuse your DD's is you DH.

So much for statistics huh?

tomorowisanotherday Tue 30-Apr-13 12:13:12

then look for a child minder, who has a t least been vetted!

DeepRedBetty Tue 30-Apr-13 12:13:37

Ask him how he'd feel if he was turned down for a job because he was male.

mrsjay Tue 30-Apr-13 12:16:00

so al men are paedophilles then sorry to be so harsh but that is what your husband is saying, this dad has offered and I think it is a lovely gesture your husband is being weird imo

so depressing...my dh has just registered as a childminder and I get the feeling we are going to see a lot of prejudice though

Kaluki Tue 30-Apr-13 12:16:58

My DS was terrified of men when he was a toddler. He was fine with family members but if a man he didn't know went near him he would freak out.
I think its important that he meets your DDs before babysitting them so if they wake up they will know who he is but I wouldn't rule him out purely because he's a man on your DH's say so, unless either of your DDs is likely to be unhappy.

Oh for goodness sake.

NeoMaxiZoomDweebie Tue 30-Apr-13 12:17:53

Yabu. Not because the potential babysitter is male but because you do not know him from Adam, he is not registered or CRB checked.

Babysitters should only be used through an agency or family or close friends. Don't go around asking Dads OR Mums from playgroup! He could be anyone.

XiCi Tue 30-Apr-13 12:19:02

Its a difficult one. I would have no problem leaving dd with a babysitter male or female that I knew well and trusted. There is no way I would leave her with someone I knew very little of from a playgroup. How well do you know this man?

ImTooHecsyForYourParty Tue 30-Apr-13 12:22:13

How would he feel if someone acted like that about him?

Would he shrug and say oh well, yes, I have a penis therefore it is entirely reasonable that people should think I may be a risk to their children.

LimitedEditionLady Tue 30-Apr-13 12:23:27

I would only allow a male that i really knew...but also a woman i really knew.if i dont know someone very well i wouldnt leave my child with them,you dont know their beliefs,demeanor etc.but if you know the guy whats it matter?

Carikube Tue 30-Apr-13 12:23:40

I probably know this man better than some of the women who came to babysit from the babysitting circle that I was a member of in our old town so it is not an issue of how well we know them. Also DD2 has met him several times at playgroup.

I've asked DH how he would feel if someone said he couldn't babysit and he said he would never put himself in that position. I think he's been put off by his friend and DW where they were both members of a circle but the one time the friend turned up to babysit instead of the DW, he got sent away again.

It's odd as he is not remotely sexist normally - we have 2 DDs (4 & 2) and he has always been v clear about how they should be able to do anything with their lives and not be restricted by their gender. He was also v keen when looking round primary schools to see whether there were any male teachers so that there would be a good balance of role models. It is literally just on the babysitting point that it is a problem.

CelticPixie Tue 30-Apr-13 12:24:09

Your DH sounds like a tool, no offence.

I'm a nursery nurse and at the last nursery I worked at before having eldest DD there was a young male nursery nurse and he was absolutely brilliant with the kids, who all adored him. This idea that all men are potential peado's is fucking stupid and very dangerous.

LEMisdisappointed Tue 30-Apr-13 12:24:55

"Yabu. Not because the potential babysitter is male but because you do not know him from Adam, he is not registered or CRB checked.

Babysitters should only be used through an agency or family or close friends. Don't go around asking Dads OR Mums from playgroup! He could be anyone."

^^This, really

It doesn't matter that he is a dad or a mum - i wouldn't do it. I have never understood the whole babysitting circle thing either - i remember i was asked to join one, i politely declined said, are you fucking mad

LEMisdisappointed Tue 30-Apr-13 12:26:30

Why not pay for a registered childminder?

Bogeyface Tue 30-Apr-13 12:28:42

I wouldnt use him, but it has nothing to do with his gender. I would be happy to let any of our close friends babysit, male or female, but I wouldnt leave my children with a random stranger from toddler group whatever their sex!

So he is BU to say "no men" but YABU to leave your children in the care of someone you dont know.

Carikube Tue 30-Apr-13 12:29:10

I don't think this man is 'just anyone' - I've met his DW when she came along one week and have met his children on numerous occasions so it's not like he's kidnapped some kids to make it look like he's legit or anything hmm

Bogeyface Tue 30-Apr-13 12:30:21

You met him at toddler group and have met his DW once.

That is not enough to know if they are suitable child carers.

Bogeyface Tue 30-Apr-13 12:31:38

I know what it is like to be desperate for child care, especially for social stuff, but you just have to suck it up sometimes. Until you know people very well I really dont think it is appropriate to leave them in sole charge of your children.

Xiaoxiong Tue 30-Apr-13 12:34:36

I think if you feel you know the person enough to trust them to babysit, then the gender should be irrelevant.

We're about to hire a male au pair though so I may be biased!

mrsjay Tue 30-Apr-13 12:35:21

I know I was being very dramatic in what I said but would your husband feel strange if buy any chance he would have to look after another girl outside his family , I think because he vetoed the idea speaks volumes he does not trust men to look after girl children.

mrsjay Tue 30-Apr-13 12:36:15

I think if you feel you know the person enough to trust them to babysit, then the gender should be irrelevant.

Exactly I do think you need to know whoever is baby sitting really well

XiCi Tue 30-Apr-13 12:36:24

You don't know him well at all then do you. Anyone who thinks having a male nursery nurse who is crb checked and trained is the same as allowing a male you know briefly from playgroup to be alone in the house with your child is crazy.
There is no way I would put my child in this situation no matter how statistically unlikely you all think it is, and that would go for a woman I hardly knew as well.

Littlehousesomewhere Tue 30-Apr-13 12:36:44

I have the same issue with my dh.

He wouldn't allow dc to attend nursery with male carers either. He doesn't trust males to care for pre verbal children at all and nothing anyone could say would change his mind.

He would never say anything to anyone and cause offence but that is his belief.

He is wrong to be prejudiced but I blame the peadophiles who have created this collateral damage.

Iggi101 Tue 30-Apr-13 12:37:00

I would not be keen in your situation, but have used a nursery with a brilliant male nursery nurse and would consider a male childminder. Difference being what they have had to go through to get those positions.
Would also depend for me on the age of your dcs.

Threads like this make me inordinately sad for my sons

Carikube Tue 30-Apr-13 12:38:39

Blimey, it looks like it's not so much a question of either of us BU,just that we are Bad Parents. Just as well I haven't gone in to any detail regarding some of the childcare we've used over the years...

iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii Tue 30-Apr-13 12:40:12

My 18year old son babysits for little girls but he is very careful to be appropriate and to be seen to be appropriate. My DD baths the girls if she is babysitting for them but my son doesn't. I completely trust my son, and the girls parents obviously trust him but I prefer for him not to be put in any potentially sensitive situations. IYSWIM I realise this isn't that logical but that is what we do.

I still think that your dh is being unreasonable in the sense that his objection isn't to the issues being highlighted by others ie crb checks or not knowing him well enough. His objection is to the fact that he is s malesad . and for that HIBU

Bogeyface Tue 30-Apr-13 12:43:20

I am sorry if you feel got at OP its just I am always amazed at people who would leave their children in the care of someone that they wouldnt, say, lend their car too "in case something happens to it". Aren't your children worth more than a car?!

sweetestcup Tue 30-Apr-13 12:44:11

Regardless of whether you know him well or not it sounds like your DH has a problem not because of this but ebcause hes a man. Which of course is sexist. I think for a lot of people - men and women - its conditioned into then about childcare (of any description) being a "womans job" and some really cant think why a man would want to do it - and then all the stupid assumptions start.

statistically My DH is a childminder and is really busy - hes got so much energy, enthusiasm, time and patience for the kids he watches. In fact it was Mums at the local toddler group where he took our own DS to that encouraged him to do it. of course hes had negative comments, but not as many as you may think. One believe it or not was from another CM who told him to make sure the little girl he had was dressed before she was dropped of! He was quiet for ages but has slowly built his reputation up, his gender is now irrelevant. Thankfully the Dads of the children he watches, including 2 baby girls and a baby boy dont think like your DH OP.

Carikube Tue 30-Apr-13 12:45:25

But regardless of how well I know this man, DH has said he wouldn't be happy with any man (even friends) babysitting, which I was really shocked by

Bogeyface Tue 30-Apr-13 12:46:40

For that reason he is being VVU, I totally agree with you there.

OurPlanetNeptune Tue 30-Apr-13 12:48:22

I am sorry if you feel got at OP its just I am always amazed at people who would leave their children in the care of someone that they wouldnt, say, lend their car too "in case something happens to it". Aren't your children worth more than a car?!

Amen Bogey

I would not do it. I would never use a childminder/babysitter/nanny who was not CRB checked. Sex is irrelevant.

A properly vetted man occasionally looks after my children. We have known him for years.

Iggi101 Tue 30-Apr-13 12:49:21

Iiiiii strangely I would be happier having your son babysit for me than a middle-aged man. (Is that sexist and ageist?!). It is either statistically the case that most child abuse is committed by men, or it is not. If it is the case, then it is "riskier" using a male babysitter than a woman. Otoh I suspect there is very little recorded abuse carried out by men working as nursery nurses etc, but I have no evidence for that! I imagine the risk of a babysitter not knowing how to deal with a medical emergency (choking or whatever) is much greater.

AnyFucker Tue 30-Apr-13 12:50:50

Oh dear, what will your H do if your dd's get to have male teachers ?

that's really good to know sweetestcup. He has only just finished registering and trying to go to more groups etc to meet people.

sweetestcup Tue 30-Apr-13 12:56:23

statistically

One tip I would give is get a good website set up, it has been invaluable. Being in a small town of course a lot of his business has came from word of mouth and people seeing him at the school etc but hes had a few now through parents googling and finding his website. If your DH wants a look at it, or indeed any advice from my DH, pm me and I will send a link later, am at work just now smile

OurPlanetNeptune Tue 30-Apr-13 12:57:36

I was recently having a conversation with a man who is worse than your husband, OP. I am pregnant with a girl after having 3 sons. This man was giving me 'advice' on raising and protecting my daughter. He has a 4 year old girl and he restricts the number of men who visit his house. Will not leave her alone with any man for any amount of time and will not allow her to kiss or hug male friends and other family members. She is not allowed to sit on the lap of any man. I think this is so very, very sad. Goodness know what happened to make him like this. I did have to tell him it wasn't healthy.

nannynick Tue 30-Apr-13 12:59:17

As a male nanny (2 yr old girl I care for currently napping) when I last looked for work, agenciy found that mothers were fine with the idea of having a male nanny but many fathers were not. Never did get a reason for it, maybe they felt they were being replaced.

elfycat Tue 30-Apr-13 13:00:40

I have an 18 year old male babysit my daughters (4 and 2.5yo). He is the son of a friend and I've known him since he was 10. I'm hoping his younger brother will want to take over if he goes to uni or stop.

I know our babyitter has done nappies occasionally and was appropriately terrified and disgusted DD2 does 'poo-of-doom's and mentioned that he'll be damn careful with contraception with his girlfriend. (This may be part of the encouragement his parents have for his job). If I had a moment of doubt about my DDs' safety or virtue (and this is what we're talking about) we'd obviouly stop, and report it to authorities.

He's terrific, especially as DD1 will be up late if he has a nap in the day. He's going through our Disney Pixar etc collection with enthusiasm. I think they were playing her ukelele (he plays guitar) last night.

zipzap Tue 30-Apr-13 13:01:47

Do you think he is worried that he will be expected to go and babysit in return rather than you - and that this is something he. does. not. want. to. do.
ever.
ever ever.

Rockinhippy Tue 30-Apr-13 14:05:38

Sounds horribly sexist BUT is there perhaps more to his attitude ??

I ask as I had exactly the same problem over once considering our friends teen DS to babysit out DD - he was adamant there was no way in hell was he letting a teenage boy look after her alone.

He eventually owned up that as a boy himself, both he & his DSIS were abused by a young male babysitter & he doesn't believe a teenage boy is enough in control of his hormones to take that risk with DD - he also went on to say, that he was once a teenage boy himself & as I wasn't, there's no way I could be expected to understand.

I took his word for it & backed down

I have left my older DSs in charge of my DDs on innumerable occasions. And they have baby sat for friends. Often. In fact, one DS is the baby sitter of choice for a friend when he's home from uni because her DD loves him so much she's going to marry him when she grows up (she's 5)

NeoMaxiZoomDweebie Tue 30-Apr-13 14:13:46

Meeting someone's wife a few times is not a good way of ascertaining their true character. Neither is socialising once a week over coffee and trikes.

I don't leave my DC with ANYONE that I couldn't call at 3.00am in a crisis...this means friends of many years' standing and relatives.

Yes this leaves us with only about five people to call on for babysitting duties but if you ask me a night out isn't worth the risk.

Children are more or less defenseless until the age of about 12 and even then they're weak as hell when faced with a wrong'un.

fishybits Tue 30-Apr-13 14:13:57

Our regular babysitter is male. It has never occurred to me that his gender might be an issue.

It's very sad the way some minds work.

Rockinhippy Tue 30-Apr-13 14:14:44

I should add, I don't think YABU at all, but maybe there's more to your DHs reasoning, bar our gay friends & his best mate who DH knows inside out & happily trusts with DD, DH absolutely won't budge, but at least now I understand why, so I accept it as okay

Iggi101 Tue 30-Apr-13 14:15:25

Elfycat I think "virtue" in this context is an old-fashioned term and quite offensive. Children do not become any less virtuous by reason of having been abused.

NicholasTeakozy Tue 30-Apr-13 14:25:07

One of my first ever jobs was at a nursery. It was only ever men that questioned my presence there, but after a few days they all, without exception, agreed that the children were better off for there being a man, even one in his late teens, as a member of staff.

TBH, it is men like your husband who discourage other men from working with children, and I think that's pretty sad.

chrome100 Tue 30-Apr-13 14:28:30

By the way, and as an aside, I really dislike this notion that men do all the fun, physical stuff as carers whilst women sit around and do craft. I used to be a nanny and was always playing rough and tumble. I think it's an insulting throw back to suggest otherwise.

RunRabbit Tue 30-Apr-13 16:25:14

Your H is BU.

What's his problem? Is babysitting beneath a man or are all men potential pedophiles? hmm

exoticfruits Tue 30-Apr-13 16:32:03

Babysitters should only be used through an agency or family or close friends. Don't go around asking Dads OR Mums from playgroup! He could be anyone.

Rubbish!
I always belonged to babysitting circles -they were neighbours and we took turns in having the book.
My DS also used to babysit as a teenager-it is highly unfair if a 17yr old girl can sit but a 17yr old boy in dangerous. The people using him knew our family-they were friends but not |close friends.
People complain that women get the childcare and men don't and it is hardly surprising when people are immediately suspicious.

Iggi101 Tue 30-Apr-13 16:32:33

Everyone (male and female) is a potential paedophile, surely! (And murderer etc). We all have the "potential".

Iggi101 Tue 30-Apr-13 16:35:42

That was to runrabbit

I suppose more important is raising children (if old enough) who feel able to tell what makes them uncomfortable and know to tell you about it - ie won't be convinced to keep a secret. Then they will talk to you about inappropriate behaviour from anyone, babysitter, friend or relative.

I'm really shocked and saddened by this thread and the amount if Neanderthal men that there are in the 21st century.

elfycat Tue 30-Apr-13 16:39:54

Iggi I used virtue deliberately and in its old fashioned sense which means virginity. Sorry if you were reading a different meaning from the dictionary - I was using point 1 in mine if that helps.

Of course I don't think my daughters would be worth any less if they were abused - point 3 in my dictionary BTW.

Iggi101 Tue 30-Apr-13 16:50:28

I would get a new dictionary. Even in the century when virtue might have been commonly used to refer to virginity, it was always a reference to the woman's 'purity' or 'chastity' rather than biological virginity - that's why a word referring to morality was used in the first place. And not usually applied to men of course.
So I don't like it and doubt that those who have experienced abuse would particularly either.

BlingLoving Tue 30-Apr-13 16:57:12

Oh this is ridiculous. Tell him to get over it. It would be better than this guy's wife as your DC actually know him, not her.

Sheesh. DH is a SAHD, and I have no doubt that any of our extended group would be quite happy to have him babysit.

elfycat Tue 30-Apr-13 16:58:25

Feel free to be offended. You clearly want to be.

No offense was meant.

But go ahead.

Iggi101 Tue 30-Apr-13 17:25:00

Elfy you're just being silly now. I point out a word is not appropriate in this context (as I would personally like to be told myself) and you spout dictionary definitions at me - you can't expect me not to reply! It never crossed my mind that you meant any offence, sorry if that wasn't clear.

thebody Tue 30-Apr-13 17:29:25

I would never use anyone I didn't know really well to babysit. Male or female.

My older lads babysat for friends as teens as the friends and children knew them well.

Carikube Tue 30-Apr-13 17:34:17

Right I have told DH that he has been voted as BU (and to answer anyfucker, he is actually keen for the girls to have a male primary teacher etc as he thinks it is good for them to see both males and females in roles like that, just like he is happy to encourage DD2 in her 'boyish' pursuits) but that we are both awful for not insisting that everyone allowed to enter in to our house has a CRB check.

AnyFucker Tue 30-Apr-13 17:37:38

then why can't he be keen for a male babysitter ?

or is babysitting "beneath" men where a professional career like a teacher is not ?

StuntGirl Tue 30-Apr-13 17:44:42

Your husband is right. All men are paedos and must be kept away from children at all costs. Thank goodness he was there to stop this atrocity from happening!

TiggyD Tue 30-Apr-13 18:48:43

When I was younger I never got asked to babysit. The girls in the nursery did it regularly for the parents of the nursery, but nobody ever thought of asking me. I did feel a little put out by it.

Myliferocks Tue 30-Apr-13 18:57:48

CRB checks are only as good as the paper they are written on if the person has actually been caught doing something criminal.

They don't offer some magical protection from bad people.

exoticfruits Tue 30-Apr-13 18:59:21

You have to use your judgement. CRB checks give a false sense of security.

Jengnr Tue 30-Apr-13 18:59:42

He's being an arse.

As for that 'I wouldn't put myself in that position', is that because he thinks men who do 'women's work' are wrong 'uns?

That just makes him a gobshite.

MyTushTingles Tue 30-Apr-13 19:03:03

I wouldn't, but I was abused as a child by a male family 'friend' who was supposed to be caring for us so I admit I am totally biased.

You shouldn't leave your DCs with anyone you don't know and trust. Random strangers you have met at a baby group once or twice won't cut it.

Theala Tue 30-Apr-13 19:28:03

I'm rather fascinated by this idea that so many of ou seem to have about not leaving your children with someone you don't know well.
As if, if you know somone well, you will suddenly clock that they are a paedophile? Because surely after twenty years they would have mentioned it if they were?
Umm, no.
If your children were not abused by a paedophile, its because they were lucky not to have encountered a paedophile; it's not (in general) because of something you may or may not have done.

I wonder whether he feels that it should be him who returns the favour and doesn't want to babysit for children that he has never met.
While I don't think having a babysitter who is male should be an issue, I have to admit that I wouldn't consider the idea of asking anyone that I had only met a few times at a toddler group.

zxcv123 Tue 30-Apr-13 20:22:42

I've used the same male babysitter for the past 8 years. He works at the nursery my DCs went to when they were tiny, so is a trained nursey nurse, has a CRB, is brilliant with children and is totally reliable in a crisis. He does different things with the DCs than most female babysitters would and is a brilliant male role model for them.

I definitely, definitely wouldn't leave my DCs with someone I barely know though, be they male or female.

jollygoose Tue 30-Apr-13 22:32:11

hen my dc were small a young male colleague who lived locally and was much liked by my dh and myself offered to babysit as he knew we were attending a wedding. I declined as my dm had offered and thank goodness I did as a few weeks later he wasarrested for taking indecent photos of other young children.
Of course most men can be trusted but unless you can be absolutely sure...

cheesesarnie Tue 30-Apr-13 22:37:25

has he said why? or have i missed that bit?

ds2 used to go to a fab cm, man and wife both cm's plus their son, also a cm. son used to babysit lots. all my dc adored him!

theoriginalandbestrookie Tue 30-Apr-13 22:39:28

DH is the same - doesn't like male babysitters. I'm part of a babysitting circle and DH doesn't like it when sometimes it is my friends DH that comes rather than her, even though we are good friends and he knows him well.
Not sure why he is like that, but there we go.

olgaga Tue 30-Apr-13 22:41:01

I wouldn't use anyone who wasn't registered with an agency or studying childcare at a local college.

Certainly not when they are that young.

MammaTJ Tue 30-Apr-13 22:41:44

I had this issue with my ex. I got my friends younger brother to babysit our DD, so I could have a bit of a social life once he had fucked off with the troll thing.

He kicked off and said I should not use a teenage boy to babysit our 9 year old DD. I had known him for years and absolutely trusted him. I told my ExH where to go on that one, he lost the right to make thsoe decisions when he became a cheat.

You however, have to parent with your DH and make the decision together. There has to be compromise all the way in a marriage and bringing up children. You don't agree with him, I don't agree with him but you may just have to give in.

WellJustCallHimDave Tue 30-Apr-13 22:42:34

It's not your husband who's the biggest problem here - it's you for suggesting that you leave your two young children with someone you barely know in the first place!

I don't care if the babysitter is male, female or a hermaphrodite hippopotamus. Their gender is irrelevant. If I don't know them well there's no way they'd be caring for my children.

olgaga Tue 30-Apr-13 22:43:30

BTW when I did need babysitters I contacted the local college and they were happy to help - the head of the course even came round for a cup of coffee with me and DD who was about 2.5 at the time.

We found two lovely young women that way.

To be honest, I never ever offered to babysit anyone's children, and I would frankly be suspicious about a man offering!

5madthings Tue 30-Apr-13 22:48:50

We use a male babysitter, he is a friend from uni and is essentially an 'uncle' to our children.

Gender is irrelevant, you either trust someone to care for your children or you don't.

5madthings Tue 30-Apr-13 22:49:32

You would be suspicious about a man offering to babysit, how sad.

Love how you have bolded women olgaga - you do know that the absence of a penis doesn't instantly make them a better person.

stella1w Tue 30-Apr-13 22:57:36

I don't have anything against male babysitters per se...had one last night but i would be very wary of a man who offered to babysit. Most men don't gravitate towards looking after young children. Sadly paedophiles will take any chance they can get to be around children.

sweetestcup Tue 30-Apr-13 23:07:05

olga Why would you be suspicious about a man offering to babysit? I'm really struggling to control my anger now at some of the sexist shite posted here. Any particular reason you bolded the word women is there?

5madthings Tue 30-Apr-13 23:09:22

Oh fgs what crap, any man who offers to babysit must be a paedophile...

Our male babysitter also babysits for a friends three children, a boy and toddler girls (twins) and yes huge has offered to babysit as he is a friend and knows dp and I need a break. He has also changed nappies and bathed our children, puts them to bed etc.

sweetestcup Tue 30-Apr-13 23:10:03

Stella its people with views like yours that stopped my DH registering as a childminder for ages before he did. I will let him know then that hes odd because he has "gravitated towards looking after young children". Either that or a paedophile.

5madthings Tue 30-Apr-13 23:14:01

My dp works in a children's home....he is obviously a paedophile as he gravitated towards working with children, never mind that he is bloody good at it, he can't just be a normal nice bloke because he chose to work with children...

sweetestcup Tue 30-Apr-13 23:16:24

Very sad isnt it madthings? Sad that some people can have such a negative opinion about half the population of the world.

Is it in womens genes then to "gravitate" to child care careers I wonder compared to men. hmm

I'm also getting angry tbh sweetestcup/5madthings. I'm also starting to wonder if I have done DH a disservice by encouraging him to try and become a childminder.

Since we had our DD (and since our friends started having children too) it has become blatantly obvious that he is incredibly good with children. They gravitate to him, and he's one of those people who just naturally entertains them. It's hard to explain - do you ever see someone and just think "wow, they are great with kids?" Well, in our family that someone is a man.

He contemplated going in to teaching (primary) but in all honesty isn't sure if he wants to so the sheer amount of slog to get there, and there is massive unemployment in NQTs around here. I suggested childminding - he really liked the idea but was worried people wouldn't be comfortable leaving their child with a man, would assume he was weird/a paedo etc etc. I told him not to be daft, to try and do something he was good at, that it's the 21st century...

Who was I kidding?

5madthings Tue 30-Apr-13 23:18:47

Very sad yes sad

Can't understand why people think males who want to work with children must have an ulterior motive, all this female teachers, and the ones that runs sports clubs etc, they cant possibly be doing it because they like it and are good at it... hmm

5madthings Tue 30-Apr-13 23:19:14

All those male...

stella1w Tue 30-Apr-13 23:19:44

I am entitled to be wary. And most men don't gravitate towards young kids. Not all who do are paedophiles, true. But all paedophiles try to gain the trust of young kids and their parents and get access to young kids. So i would be wary and understand where the OP's other half is coming from.

5madthings Tue 30-Apr-13 23:23:33

I don't think you are entitled to be wary of 50% of the population just because of their gender actually.

sweetestcup Tue 30-Apr-13 23:23:38

And most men don't gravitate towards young kids

You have said this twice - but equally most women dont gravitate to working with young children either do they? Its called having a choice.

stella1w Tue 30-Apr-13 23:26:51

I am wary of the small minority of men who seek out babysitting opportunities. I have happily had men babysit.

sweetestcup Tue 30-Apr-13 23:28:03

Does this waryness apply to men who seek out work in childcare such as childminder then?

elastamum Tue 30-Apr-13 23:28:05

We used to have a male babysitter. He was Ds of the people who lived opposite.

My DC (boys) really liked him and we knew his mum was just over the road if he needed help. If you know the person I cant see the problem really

MajorDivvy Tue 30-Apr-13 23:35:34

Haven't read all of the replies but......

I think it's all about what you and your DD's think of this man, getting to know him first and seeing how they get on. We had a really brilliant male babysitter when our DS was a toddler and there is a brilliant male nursery nurse at his nursery. Yes this man could be anyone but
can people please remember that all CRB checks etc prove is that the person hasn't been caught! it does not prove they are not a pedophile in the same way that not having one doesn't prove you are!
This, unfortunately, comes from personally knowing someone who had a clear advanced CRB held for (and renewed) for several years, and who has recently been sent down on 3 charges of pedophilia one of which from before their first CRB. (Luckily they were never alone with my DS.) I'm not saying don't ask to see one, or whatever, I'm just cautioning against them being such a big factor in the decision.

It really boils down to what you think of them, but you can never tell.

stella1w Tue 30-Apr-13 23:39:20

I seriously considered a male childminder but decided against because his own mother said he was chaotic, hi house was a mess, no stairgates, and he forgot to show any interest in my infant. However i suspect his strength is working with older kids.

MajorDivvy Tue 30-Apr-13 23:40:20

Also - of I was a paedofile who hadn't been caught yet - you could bet your life on what sorts of jobs I'd be looking for!!
Let's face it, men who want to work in childcare or babysit are in a minority anyway and the proportion of those who are paedophiles are a very very small minority - there have been many cases of female childminders etc being arrested for offences against children too. It's all down to good old fashioned gut instinct - yes that can be wrong too, but IMHO, as long as you have got to know that person a bit over a bit of time, it's about as reliable as a piece of paper.

sweetestcup Tue 30-Apr-13 23:44:27

Well thats different because that's got nothing to do with his gender then. In that case I don't get your distinction between being wary about a man looking to babysit compared to being a childminder.

I can definitely say my house isn't a mess, I'm fed up with the stair-gates because we don't have young kids and hes never forgotten to look after any of the children he has in his care. Plus he does all the housework such as cleaning, the washing and ironing. I'm lucky that way smile

stella1w Tue 30-Apr-13 23:47:35

It is something about opportunism...

NumericalMum Wed 01-May-13 08:28:51

If someone told me I couldn't do my (very male dominated) job because I am female I would be livid. I am female and it would be a cold day in hell before I became a primary school teacher. Nothing to do with my gender but caring for other people's children does not appeal to me. Does that make me male? Or does it just prove that women and men can't all be grouped into buckets because of their gender. What would the European Commission say if they read this?!

TiggyD Wed 01-May-13 08:37:37

"And most men don't gravitate towards young kids" Unless that child is extremely fat! (Physics joke)

Childcare is still 98% female, 2% male. Don't see that changing much. Partly due to attitudes before you enter the profession, and partly having to work in an environment with just one sex in it. Only 2% don't like the idea of a man looking after their children, but one suspicious rumour out of 50 positive ones is enough to make somebody think twice about doing the job.

"Gut instinct" Is the best way to gauge suitability? Hmmm. And they get to do jury duty. hmm

CRBs aren't perfect, but is there a better way?

When I was around 16 a single mother neighbour asked if I would babysit her two young daughters who were then I guess 6 and 8. I ended up doing it every few weeks when she went out. I never had girlfriends over, or spent hours on her phone, or ate her food, or made a mess and she always paid me very generously.

The kids thought it was cool having a "boy" babysit them. They never played me up. Easiest money I ever made!

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