To be upset that good friend did not ask me to be maid of honor?

(260 Posts)
grrrrrrrrrrrrrr Mon 29-Apr-13 17:56:06

One of my best friends is getting married next year, on a girls night out she mentioned that she will picking bridesmaids and maid of honor in the next few weeks, we have been good friends for 7 years and I thought I would be included, but at the end of the day its her wedding and she can do what she wants.

On facebook I saw a few of her friends were delighted to be chosen for either a bridesmaid or maid of honor, did not really give it much thought other than oh well.

Saw friend today who wanted to explain why I wasn't included, she said although I was her best friend and wanted me to be maid of honor she asked another friend as they are slim and would look better on the photo's. sad I was ok with not being included, but wish she had not explained her reasons why. Feeling really hurt.

Sirzy Mon 29-Apr-13 17:57:40

I was going to say her wedding and she can have who she wants but that reason is really bitchy!

Fleecyslippers Mon 29-Apr-13 17:58:38

Really ?

AnythingNotEverything Mon 29-Apr-13 17:58:46

Really? Does she normally behave like a cow?

That's absolutely unacceptable, and you'd be well within your rights to never speak to her again IMO!

Cosydressinggown Mon 29-Apr-13 17:58:48

YANBU to be upset about this.

YABU to ever, ever talk to this foul woman, ever again.

expatinscotland Mon 29-Apr-13 17:59:34

Aw, that's harsh!

ElaineVintage Mon 29-Apr-13 18:00:25

Awful, awful woman.

Ditch this bitch of a friend ASAP.

Seriously, this is NOT acceptable treatment of a friend.

YANBU.

PuggyMum Mon 29-Apr-13 18:00:38

What a bitch. Why would you say this to your best friend? Fwiw I'm the big one out of our group and have been bridesmaids to my 2 close friends. To me a photo is more about who is in it than what size they are.

I'd be rethinking the friendship if I were you.

YANBU.

Iwantmybed Mon 29-Apr-13 18:01:17

That is an awful reason OP. I can understand why you're hurt. Try to be glad you've no official jobs to do on the day and can enjoy the bar instead of endless photos and other boring things.

WaterColouredRainbow Mon 29-Apr-13 18:02:35

Damn ... I was about to say well it's her wedding and she did give you reasons but

YANBU!

That's a ridiculously nasty and unnecessary thing to say. Believe me if she's that shallow that she would rather someone who in her opinion would look better in photos than someone she's really close to as her bridesmaid then she's not a nice person.

She already being a bridezilla too. Saying you are going to announce who is your bridesmaids and M of H in a few weeks? It's not the Oscars love.

Seriously see this as a blessing.

Machli Mon 29-Apr-13 18:02:36

Boo Hockey.

IDoTakeTwo Mon 29-Apr-13 18:03:23

She is a terrible friend.
Withdraw ASAP for your own sanity and general well being.

Her words can only be designed to wound. No-one needs that in their life.

grrrrrrrrrrrrrr Mon 29-Apr-13 18:03:25

Thanks :-)

She is normally quite sweet, and she did go all around the houses before she mentioned it to me. I fell out with her sister years ago and imagine she has had some input.

I just sat there and said ok, then soon after she left and I have been thinking about it ever since.

MaxPepsi Mon 29-Apr-13 18:04:27

WTAF???

What a ffing bitch.

To you and the 'slim' friends.

reallyyummymummy Mon 29-Apr-13 18:05:54

Terrible reason and you deserve better friends than that

SaltaKatten Mon 29-Apr-13 18:06:32

I would be declining an invite to the wedding.

YABU to be upset. She is not worth one single teeny tear drop.

Hopefully there will be a Force 10 gale and torrential rain on her wedding day, and some passing car will spray her top to toe with dirty rainwater just as she's about to step into the bridal car.

Squitten Mon 29-Apr-13 18:09:09

One of your "best friends" said that to you?!

shock

I would regretfully turn down her invitation to the wedding because you wouldn't want to ruin all the other photos either, now would you..?

ShipwreckedAndComatose Mon 29-Apr-13 18:13:50

That's a really shitty thing to say and a really shitty thing to do!!

I am genuinely shock that someone would treat a friend like this!

grrrrrrrrrrrrrr Mon 29-Apr-13 18:14:01

lol @ pumpkin positive. smile

the phrase she used was wanting the photo's to look symmetrical !

I think she knows she has upset as I have had 2 random chatty texts when I don't normally get any, think I will not reply until I feel better.

minniemagoo Mon 29-Apr-13 18:14:49

Think happened to me and it took me a while to realise that in fact it was her mother was the zilla. Friend was an only daughter who tried very hard to please her slightly dotty living in a snobby world mother. It wasnt said as bluntly more 'A will look lovely in the pics'. It did strain the relationship for a long while but when 4 years later it came to my wedding I knew she was who I wanted regardless of this event. As it turned out she was very pg in my photos which bothered me not in the least. I am glad I swollowed my pride as we are still good friends.
It does hurt but if the friendship is worth it, it will survive.

StuffezLaYoni Mon 29-Apr-13 18:15:40

I'm afraid I wouldn't be attending - wouldn't want to fuck up any photos with my hideous fat self!
Yes, childish, but a real friend wouldn't say this...

grrrrrrrrrrrrrr Mon 29-Apr-13 18:16:20

the chatty texts have been along the line of wedding stuff is driving me nuts already feel I have no control over anything, and asking if ds can go round hers tomorrow for tea confused

shock that is horrible

Mama1980 Mon 29-Apr-13 18:18:24

Seriously?! That's awful. My brothers ex tried this I am heavily scarred and she wanted me to cover up so I didn't spoil the photos! I can't believe some people think like this confused

grrrrrrrrrrrrrr Mon 29-Apr-13 18:18:42

That's a good point minniemagoo, her mother is very controlling and her sister too, but I thought she would of had enough about her to insist on having me if that's what she wanted.

MaryPoppinsBag Mon 29-Apr-13 18:18:50

How long until the wedding?
I'd be tempted to get myself goddam fucking gorgeous by then.

<disclaimer I'm 3 and a bit stone overweight myself, and I'm not saying you are not beautiful already!>

PaleHousewifeOfCumbriaCounty Mon 29-Apr-13 18:19:16

Ignore. What a horrible mean person... I hope her wedding is shit, frankly.

2cats2many Mon 29-Apr-13 18:19:25

Oh my! It sounds like you're well out of that wedding. She sounds like she has the beginnings of a complete Bridezilla.

Why on earth do people behave like that just because they are going to have a big party? She sounds just awful.

saintmerryweather Mon 29-Apr-13 18:19:59

I would ring her and say 'im quite upset about what you said earlier about why you havent chosen to me be a bridesmaid. i honestly thought we were closer friends than that, and im quite hurt that you arent choosing me just because of my size.'

ShipwreckedAndComatose Mon 29-Apr-13 18:20:43

<Waves>

I can remember your thread Mama1980, I think!! I seem to remember your brother really supported you against the silly cow.

Crinkle77 Mon 29-Apr-13 18:20:57

What? I would tell her to eff off. What a bitch. No true friend would behave like that

AnneEyhtMeyer Mon 29-Apr-13 18:21:17

I don't think it matters if her mother or sister have influenced her, she is an adult and she decided to make this decision for the reason she gave.

I think it is unforgivable, and I wouldn't want to be friends with someone who was that shallow and mean. Definitely decline the wedding invitation.

Wishfulmakeupping Mon 29-Apr-13 18:21:18

What a nasty piece of work she is fucking uber bitch. Tell her you'd best not come to the whole wedding in case you make the reception 'unsymmetrical' fuck her.
This has made me feel very cross on your behalf OP

Wishfulmakeupping Mon 29-Apr-13 18:22:20

I do think you should say something to her today she needs pulling up on her behaviour then cut her out

dangly131 Mon 29-Apr-13 18:22:56

I am bridesmaid to my best friend who will be getting married next year. I will be the biggest out of the chosen few! Even if I do lose weight like I intend to I still will be as they are all size 4/6. My friend has suggested different style dresses as she knows I will be uncomfortable with certain styles and that they won't flatter my figure. She knows what looks good on me and what doesn't...just because I am bigger doesn't mean to say I can't look nice! I know I damn well can! Likewise, she knows that as one of the girls is very tall, heels won't work well with her so she is suggesting we all wear shoes of our choice in a given colour.

HeadFairy Mon 29-Apr-13 18:23:52

People are really strange aren't they? I seriously didn't give a thought to what the photos would look like when choosing bridesmaids. They were my best friends. End of thought process.

YANBU to be upset. She's a cowbag!

Face it, you're probably prettier than she is and she can't stand the competition.

chattychattyboomba Mon 29-Apr-13 18:26:24

Omg! That's not nice!!! I have to say, one of my good friends was not a bridesmaid because she has expressed how self conscious she was around my friends (who happen to be thin and disgustingly beautiful) and HATED any photos of herself being taken... So i stupidly assumed she wouldn't enjoy the role of bridesmaid. Turns out she was annoyed... But I did choose family and friends i had known for pretty much my whole life. She gave a really touching speech so still played a very special role in our wedding.

WaterColouredRainbow Mon 29-Apr-13 18:27:26

My brothers ex tried this I am heavily scarred and she wanted me to cover up so I didn't spoil the photos! I can't believe some people think like this

Makes me so angry that people are like this. The only people I wanted in my wedding photos were all the people we loved - regardless of what they looked like and were wearing.

Not surprised she is now an ex.

MsGee Mon 29-Apr-13 18:27:37

Be glad she's shown her true colours. Withdraw from the friendship and the wedding.

Her texts are showing that she knows she is out of order and being a bitch. But she's not apologising.

I'm afraid I wouldn't want to be friends with someone who placed photo symmetry over friendship.

XBenedict Mon 29-Apr-13 18:30:12

OMG you poor thing! Was about to come on here and give the whole "her wedding her choice, stop being so precious" but then I read your OP. YANBU feel very sad for you. Are you sure she's a friend? Sending unmumsnetty hugs x

grrrrrrrrrrrrrr Mon 29-Apr-13 18:33:29

mama1980 that is awful sad

She is getting married June next year.

Yes others are size 6/8 and I am a 16.

I just know if it was me I would want the peoples closest to me regardless of size.

the phrase she used was wanting the photo's to look symmetrical !

How ...odd. If she and the bridesmaids are all of a similar build, there's every chance she'll just fade into the wallpaper. Best to get a bit of variety if its the aesthetics she's so concerned about.

grrrrrrrrrrrrrr Mon 29-Apr-13 18:34:31

Thanks for all your kind words, dh not home for a few hours and I feel a lot better now that I did before posting.

Mama1980 Mon 29-Apr-13 18:37:15

<waves back to shipwreckedandcomatose> grin yep my brother was very supportive and the wedding didn't happen.

Agnesmum Mon 29-Apr-13 18:37:48

I can't believe that someone would say such a nasty thing. As said above ditch the bitch and don't go to her boring symmetrical wedding!

poozlepants Mon 29-Apr-13 18:38:45

Lets hope all her bridesmaids and maid of honour get pregnant round about October/November. That'll make her stupid wedding photos symmetrical.

GreenEggsAndNichts Mon 29-Apr-13 18:45:52

I am astounded by this. I would personally not be able to have someone like this for a friend. Is it not ridiculous enough that you're dressing a bunch of grown women in matching dresses, but now they also have to be the same size? Will they all also colour their hair the same way?

Nobody actually cares about this shit. It will all be forgotten as soon as the wedding is over, but the memories of the way Bridezilla treats people will last a lifetime.

She's supposedly your friend but is excluding you from this because of your appearance. Imagine if it were anything else. Oh yes, my dear friend is having a party but didn't invite me because I'm overweight. It sounds ridiculous because it is.

angry

ShipwreckedAndComatose Mon 29-Apr-13 18:46:10

I wonder at what point she will ever realise what a completely unacceptable thing this was to say to anyone...but particularly a best friend!

mama...so glad she's an ex! Cow bitches from hell have no place as family or as friends!

GreenEggsAndNichts Mon 29-Apr-13 18:46:24

poozle yes I was just thinking, here's hoping half of them become pregnant with twins in the meantime. smile

Doinmummy Mon 29-Apr-13 18:47:34

You poor thing . I bet you're stunning and she's jealous.

Even if it is her Mum being a bridezilla there's no need for her to actually say anything so hurtful. She needn't have given a reason at all.

Bitch

ShipwreckedAndComatose Mon 29-Apr-13 18:48:05

Or maybe a broken leg? That would definately look unsymmetrical

or would the bride insist another bridesmaid break the other leg to balance out the photos on the other side

WildeRumpus Mon 29-Apr-13 18:48:14

Your best friend has told you you are too fat for her wedding! Your big fat self will ruin her day so she wants you out of it. That is unbelievably shocking! Symmetrical photos?! Wtaf?!

Am so angry and upset for you op. Please don't take that shit.

Yanbu, she, on the other hand, is a badger's shitwadded wankstain.

Don't have anything more to do with her, she's really not worth it if this is how she really feels!

Doinmummy Mon 29-Apr-13 18:53:01

And now she's trying to be all nicey nicey because she knows she's been a bitch.

B-iatch.
Best off out. Of the wedding and the friendship.

Wow

What a complete bitch

She doesn't deserve a friend like you

Gemini1974 Mon 29-Apr-13 18:56:17

Shallow shallow shallow

That's awful! Bridesmaids should be picked based on your relationship with them, not what they look like! I had 4, 2 were smaller and 2 were bigger than me. I chose a dress that suited them all, they all had their hair as it suited them and shoes they were comfortable in. And when one of them got married, she and her other bridesmaids were all size 10ish, I on the other hand was a 16 and 6 months pregnant!
And by the by, mine and her wedding photos were stunning, and not an ounce of symmetry between them! grin

I would not bother going at all now and write the reason on the RSVP if I were you

Wow. What a shallow cow.

But ouch, that hurt!

This woman has not behaved like a friend at all. And she did not even have the grace to lie.... sad

Maxium12 Mon 29-Apr-13 19:05:21

This is such an outrageous thing for one friend to say to the other that I'm having trouble believing someone could be that much of a vain self centred bitch.

If it is really genuine then dump her after sending her a link to this thread.

olgaga Mon 29-Apr-13 19:10:02

Shocking! She is not "one of your best friends" - no way!

I'd be far too busy to go to her wedding.

CatelynStark Mon 29-Apr-13 19:10:48

I would never speak to her again. Ever.

BasketzatDawn Mon 29-Apr-13 19:11:43

Goodness, and she's a friend? At least you've got till next year to decide whether you want to attend her wedding. You can save on the present and buy yourself some chocolate! I'm not making light of it, BTW - you've had excellent responses from others. I'd be very hurt indeed in the same circs. And I don't think my feelings for such a 'friend' would ever wholly recover. You can always sleep on it, see how you feel later, but no harm in telling her what she said was vv nasty.

AaDB Mon 29-Apr-13 19:14:15

OP, you have unanimous support. thanks

I don't feel the same way about my sil. She had 7ish bridesmaids, her DH had the same number of groomsmen, including my DH and ds. I have known her for almost 25 years, she included her new sil of two years acquaintance. My oh was invited to the stag weekend, I was not invited to the hen. If someone is shallow enough to choose people based on how the wedding photographs look, they deserve what they get.

TidyDancer Mon 29-Apr-13 19:17:55

Your friend is a shitbag and I wouldn't go to the wedding if I was in your shoes tbh.

I was a bridesmaid for the same friend twice, once at a size 22, then years later at her second wedding, I was a size 10. Then when her sister got married, I was an 8-month-pregnant bridesmaid. grin

MrsOakenshield Mon 29-Apr-13 19:22:32

god, that's awful OP. Let's hope she approaches her marriage with rather more maturity than she's approaching her wedding!

Jipster Mon 29-Apr-13 19:24:34

OP YANBU - she is shallow and superficial. Have these flowers please

mrsjay Mon 29-Apr-13 19:28:07

I would tell her to shove her wedding up her skinny arse sorry that is horrible she isn't your friend she is superficiial and shallow, that is terrible she hurt you like that ,

Gemini1974 Mon 29-Apr-13 19:28:51

The bride, not you OP!

SanitaryOwl Mon 29-Apr-13 19:31:44

What an utter fucking bitch this bride is. Never heard anything so ridiculous. Dump her.

Finola1step Mon 29-Apr-13 19:34:33

Agree with MrsOak. Your friend needs to wake up pretty damn quick. I just don't get this "my perfect day at all cost" mentality.

She's no friend. Take a deep breath and see her for what she is. I believe that things like weddings can show people to be what they truly are. Your friend is shallow and judgemental. Her true colours are coming out now because she thinks she can say and do whatever she likes as its her "big day". Luckily for you, you have found out now before investing more time and energy into this "friendship". Be polite but slowly step back. Sadly she's so wrapped up in herself, she probably won't notice.

MissLurkalot Mon 29-Apr-13 19:38:40

With friends like that, who needs enemies!

Ignore all contact from her... Nasty nasty piece of work she is.
How bloody dare she say that..
Can't compute it... Please don't reply to her.
Literally, cut her off. She is pure toxic.
So sorry you've been treated this way. :-(

IHateSafeStyle Mon 29-Apr-13 19:40:39

What a bitch shock

Sianilaa Mon 29-Apr-13 19:42:50

YANBU!

What a shallow bitch. I wouldn't be friends with someone who said that to me. X

Greydog Mon 29-Apr-13 19:50:46

What a miserable bitch. Don't go to the wedding - take yourself off for a nice day - or even weekend away. And as others have said - I wouldn't be friends any more.

greenteawithlemon Mon 29-Apr-13 19:56:10

shock

what an utter bitch.

I really don't think you should be friends with someone who could say something so awful to you.

mercibucket Mon 29-Apr-13 20:08:07

Show yourself the self-respect you deserve and back away from this woman. She is no real friend of yours. sad

That is the nastiest most hurtful thing I have read for a long time. What a fucking cow. I'd be telling her exactly what I thought of her and then having absolutely nothing to do with her ever again, even if she came back on bended knee begging forgiveness.

FreedomOfTheTess Mon 29-Apr-13 20:25:21

I'm sorry, but she is an utter bitch, and when you get your invitation I'd turn it down.

What makes wedding photos perfect, isn't having skinny bridesmaids and "symmetry", it's having the people you care most about in them. If you're really her best friend, your size wouldn't matter to her, she'd simply want you by her side and in her photos.

Ditch the bitch.

mrspaddy Mon 29-Apr-13 20:28:51

Dump your friend.. this is not acceptable. You poor thing having to listen to someone like that. Don't let her get you down.

Hugs to you .. flowers

Sunnymeg Mon 29-Apr-13 20:36:08

When I got married I didn't give a thought to the dress size of the bridesmaids. It seems very strange. I think as a bride you need to be a bit diplomatic about things. She could have asked you to sign as a witness on the marriage register, or thought up a job for you rather than excluding you.

grrrrrrrrrrrrrr Mon 29-Apr-13 20:46:49

Thanks again for all your replies, you are such a lovely bunch.

Spoke to dh who was not impressed, and pretty much sums up what has been said above.

She has called but I did not answer and she did not leave a message, so I guess I will have some sort of contact at the school tomorrow.

Myinboxisfull Mon 29-Apr-13 20:57:06

What a perfectly awful thing for her to say to you! One day I think that she'll look back and be horrified at what she has done.

It's expensive to attend a wedding. I think that I'd forgo attending and have a weekend away instead.

pigletmania Mon 29-Apr-13 21:00:06

She sounds awful what a nasty thing to say, sorry that would be a deal breaker in a friendship for me. She is obviously not as nice as you think, I would not go to the wedding

ShipwreckedAndComatose Mon 29-Apr-13 21:00:30

Great idea!

Treat yourself to a nice weekend away.

EarlyInTheMorning Mon 29-Apr-13 21:01:20

So that's how much she values your friendship. I would not go.

mrsjay Mon 29-Apr-13 21:02:01

Oh yes take yourself off somewhere nice the weekend of the wedding and tell her to stick it up her arse

Jan49 Mon 29-Apr-13 21:11:11

She sounds absolutely horrible.angry

I really think you need to consider whether her looks fit right with the rest of your friends and explain to her that you've decided she is just too tall/thin/blond or with that nose/those ears you just feel she spoils your friend portfolio so you are unfortunately obliged to dump her. Or you could suggest to her that if she wants the photos to look good, her fiance's going to need to find a different bride.grin

Undertone Mon 29-Apr-13 21:21:33

The fact that she's obviously trying to make up with you now makes it worse. Like she can be all nicey-nicey and she therefore earns your friendship back. Fuck. That.

Maybe a text back:
"Sorry I would have answered the phone but my HUGE FAT sausage fingers hit the wrong button."

"Hey hun. Listen - I've been thinking about your wedding and i am worried on your behalf... What are you going to do about the asymmetry caused by your MASSIVE ego in all the photos?!"

"Ffs stop trying to contact me to make up. I am busy eating a multipack of Scotch eggs and my phone going off is distracting me from my determined chomping."

"Take the hint: I don't want to speak to you. You have made it clear how precisely much you value our friendship. In fact i might tell the bridesmaids they were chosen for the roles simply for their figures. Bet that would make them feel a bit shit."

Size 16 is not huge! Blimey I've been everywhere from a 12 to a 22. What is she thinking about for dresses? Fucking lycra bodysuits?!

What a cow. Dump.

MissLurkalot Mon 29-Apr-13 21:35:48

I like your penmanship Undertone

I've got two bridesmaids for my wedding next year and my sister was worried about looking wrong in a strapless dress so we just found one she was happy with! No big deal!

You want your best friends with you or else you don't consider them important enough. I was worried about being the chubbier bridesmaid at my friends wedding as the other 2 were size 8's but she made it perfectly clear that I was her matron of honour because she wanted me and didn't care about my size!

I feel really sorry for you - what a nasty thing to happen

picnicbasketcase Mon 29-Apr-13 21:42:11

I'd tell her she could shove her symmetrical wedding up her arse sideways. And then rotate it slightly until she's happy it looks right in the pictures.

BarredfromhavingStella Mon 29-Apr-13 21:48:40

This woman is not your friend-a friend would never say what she did.

Tell her to shove her wedding & fuck off to the other side of fuck-ditch this bitch.

Gingerodgers Mon 29-Apr-13 21:52:12

I also think to announce that you will be choosing your bridesmaids soon, is a bit vain, as if you are all desperately wanting to be part of her special day, and hoping not to be disappointed when she doesn't choose everyone. 7 is quite a lot. Do most people not just ask the friends they want, rather than announcing it on some kind of short list, only for some to not quite make the grade? She sounds like a cow.

Gingerodgers Mon 29-Apr-13 21:53:20

Just see it wasn't 7 bridesmaids! Never mind, I stand by my point...

Some people expect everyone to be interested in their wedding! Imagine what this girl will turn into. The hugest bridezilla ever...

CSIJanner Mon 29-Apr-13 22:00:35

I'm not usually one for mean thoughts, but I hope she gets a ginormous red, ready to explode zit on her nose or chin the night before the big day next June.

apostropheuse Mon 29-Apr-13 22:12:19

She is being an absolute bitch. I would be re-thinking my friendship with her to be honest.

I wasn't too surprised to read your post though OP. Many years ago my brother's wife had the similar happen to her - but it was her sister who did it. She basically told my sister in law that she would spoil the photos. My sister in law was slim, but her error was that she wore glasses, and her sister in law didn't think she was pretty enough. This wasn't entirely unexpected from this girl though - she was the type of person that lots of people didn't like because of her bitchy nature.

In a bizarre twist of fate the bridezilla sister was involved in a serious car accident a few months before the wedding, resulting in fairly significant facial scarring. She had to buy special makeup to try to cover the scars for the wedding.

Anyway, YANBU and I bet your beauty shines from you, because you wouldn't treat another person the way you've been treated. You're probably gorgeous anyway!

She sounds like a total idiot. I would respond to communications from her, saying "sorry not to have got back to you, I have not been feeling very symmetrical recently" or "I can't bring DS to play as I am too asymmetrical to leave the house" and just continue until she gives up.

HappyHippyChick Mon 29-Apr-13 22:40:25

That's outrageous <channeling Nanny Plum>

What a douche she is, not someone you need in your life. When I was bridesmaid for my best friend, not only was I a size 18/20 but was also 8 months pregnant! My friend had a v gorgeous, flattering dress made for me the same colour (but totally different style) to her other bridesmaid, and I looked fab!

scarlettsmummy2 Mon 29-Apr-13 22:53:47

Is she having your son doing anything in the wedding? Page boy? Just ask as I am being a bridesmaid next month, and although I am delighted it does feel a little weird as I am married with three children! I think I would have been equally happy for my daughter to be a flower girl! Also, some of the older generation are funny about married women being bridesmaids? I heard that a lot when I got married in relation to who I chose from my mother and aunts.

olivertheoctopus Mon 29-Apr-13 23:02:24

This is a joke right? No-one would say stuff like that, no matter how Bridezilla-y

MortifiedAdams Mon 29-Apr-13 23:12:42

I would have to speak to her.

"DF, whilst it is perfectly acceptable that you pick whoever you want to be your MOH or BMs, the fact that you are discounting me on my appearance is totally shitty. Good luck for your wedding, sorry im just not able to be a part of it".

GreenEggsAndNichts Mon 29-Apr-13 23:33:22

If you say something to her, I wouldn't even bring up the weight thing. I'd concentrate on the fact that she's left you, supposedly a close friend of hers, out of a very important life event for her.

"Cowzilla, I'm sorry if I seem quiet lately, but I'm afraid I must've assumed we were closer friends than we really are."

Are the other bridesmaids in your friend group? The only other time I've heard of this happening (was it a thread on here?), one of the BMs who was picked found out that one of their very close friends had been left out, specifically because of her weight. She declined to be BM, along with another BM who found out the same.

I can't imagine being this woman's BM if I knew she'd left out one of our friends just because of her weight.

iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii Tue 30-Apr-13 00:18:38

That was a very nasty thing to say. sad

I am not sure I would even want to go to the wedding but if I did I would get her a crap present, maybe this or this

ApocalypseThen Tue 30-Apr-13 07:39:08

I was going to say the same as GreenEggs - don't make comments about your weight or symmetry. That looks as petty as she is, and I'd personally want to show her how a decent and dignified person behaves.

In any event, it's a poor show from her, inexcusable, really. I think I would regretfully decline any future invitations and be chilly with her. Your weight matters more than friendship to her, her spectacular rudeness, stupidity and vanity should really disqualify her as a friend to you.

X-Factor bridesmaids. She should be ashamed of herself.

I'm planning my wedding right now, and even in the thick of it there is no excuse for her behaviour. And I think if you consider it, this kind of thing might have come up before.

ButtonBoo Tue 30-Apr-13 07:40:45

YABU - mine did! :-(

grrrrrrrrrrrrrr Tue 30-Apr-13 08:03:47

Well I have had a good sleep and dh has said guess which week next year we will be taking our annual holiday.

I thought she was out of order, but seeing all of you (bar one) think ianbu I feel so much better and have my head held high, not looking forward to the school run, but not dreading it either. I imagine she will be all smiles and over the top.

No DS is not being a pageboy, but she did mention dd being a bridesmaid ages ago.

Areyoumadorisitme Tue 30-Apr-13 08:10:27

YANBU - it was really shallow of her and hurtful to you. A good friend means a lot more than 'symmetrical' photos.

Good luck this morning, keep your dignity. smile

Roopoo Tue 30-Apr-13 08:43:55

YANBU
She sounds awful. I would ditch her and her nasty ways.

FreedomOfTheTess Tue 30-Apr-13 08:56:06

Good morning OP.

I agree with your DH - that week next June is the perfect time to take your family holiday.

I was thinking about this after I logged off last night, and the more I thought about it, the angrier I got.

When I got married, I asked my three best friends from my school days, plus a close friend I had made at university. (Plus my sister of course). One of my best friends has a disability, it affects how she walks and her posture, caused by a curved spine. It never entered my head not to ask her to be my bridesmaid. However, I got quite the shock when my friend from university said, "I'm surprised you asked Hilda* to be BM, aren't you worried about the photos, with how she'll look in a dress what with her spine like it is."

* Not her real name obviously!

Said university friend was dropped there and then, not just as a BM, but also as a friend. No time for shallow people in my life.

Good luck OP.

mrsjay Tue 30-Apr-13 09:03:25

Well I have had a good sleep and dh has said guess which week next year we will be taking our annual holiday.

good and I wouldn't even entertaining telling her till the invites come out, do you see her at school I would ignore or be civil to her and if she mentions your dd be flower girl I would ask oh i dont know are you sure she is pretty enough ( i am sure she is) .

Op - that is bloody awful behavior, you HAVE to pull her up about it.

You are not big, you are the size of the average UK woman and even if you were, so bloody what, you are her "friend"!!

I am shocked people like this exist......I just can't believe the bare faced cheek of her. Good on your DH for deciding you will be away for her wedding.

Seriously though, you need to tell her how much she has hurt you!

letseatgrandma Tue 30-Apr-13 09:34:51

Is she even vaguely embarrassed by having said this to you!?!

AnonYonimousBird Tue 30-Apr-13 09:40:32

OP - please update us if you have seen her in person!

I am shock - this lady isn't really your friend. Sorry for you on both counts. Doesn't matter how controlling her mother is, it's down to her!!

GreenEggsAndNichts Tue 30-Apr-13 10:05:17

Your DH is lovely. Make sure it's a special holiday. smile

I was the biggest BM (well, I was MOH) for my best friends wedding. Not by a whole lot, I'd be guessing but I was probably a dress size larger than her sister (I was a UK 14/16). More importantly, I was also the tallest by a couple of inches. grin Her SIL was a wee slip of a thing, petite and slim. Her two sisters were two different sizes. The pictures looked amazing.

No sane person gives a damn about symmetry in wedding photos. You should be able to look back on them and say "aw yes there I am with my best friends/ family, that was such an amazing day." Not "oh yes that's the day I was a big old bitch and decided my BF couldn't stand up there with me because she didn't wear the right dress size. I sure am proud of that moment!"

From what you've said, no doubt her sister will convince her that she's done the right thing, and you're being unreasonable. But you are not. Weddings just mess with some people's minds. I'm sorry.

notso Tue 30-Apr-13 10:10:37

shock what a hateful woman.

echt Tue 30-Apr-13 10:11:48

YABU about expecting her to ask you to be the MOH.

You are soo NOT BU to be insulted by her gratuitous reasoning.

Quelle arse. Bin.

ChasedByBees Tue 30-Apr-13 10:32:06

There's no way I'd go to her wedding. What an awful thing to say.

Peevish Tue 30-Apr-13 11:00:18

What a vile thing to say. Do update on whether she was embarrassed on the school run. I cannot imagine the mind of someone who thought this was an acceptable 'excuse' for her bridesmaid lineup. I have come across on more than one occasion, though, women who made their bridesmaids go on diets, though! Always wondered how that conversation went.

'X, I would like you to be my bridesmaid.'
'Oh, thanks, wow!'
'But only if you lose two stone between now and the wedding. Here's the Weightwatchers phone number. You're not offended, are you?'
'????'

JParkson Tue 30-Apr-13 11:02:40

YANBU!

If I were you, I would gently drift apart, and consider not going to the wedding... sorry! If she values your friendship, she should make the effort to keep you IMHO

I wish you had been my maid of honour!

I wanted my friend as mine, and she pulled out for no apparent reason. We had a massive fight over it all, and I walked away in tears. I twigged later that she was horribly self-concious about her size. I just wish she'd said so to me. I wasn't exactly Miss Skinny, and my other bridesmaids were slightly slimmer but not stick thin either. She would have been the curviest of us all, but I didn't care about that. I just wanted her there with me.

It hurt that she wasn't there, and we didn't speak for years. But we cleared the air a few years ago, and now we're closer than ever. Daft thing is, she's bigger now than she was then, and I'm slimmer! Oh well. It's a funny ol' world!

specialsubject Tue 30-Apr-13 11:07:46

my jaw is still hurting from where it crashed into the floor at this.

she's told you that you are too ugly to be in her photos. I think that tells you the quality of this friendship. You could just hope that it is the bridezilla madness and just a temporary bout of stupidity - but TBH, waste no more oxygen on her.

GreenEggsAndNichts Tue 30-Apr-13 11:11:34

I recall my best friend making sure we all had input on the dresses we had to wear, which I really appreciated. I was actually a good size at the time, but definitely had wobbly bits. Thankfully, so did her older sister, so when they all tried on dresses, she was able to steer them away from the backless numbers. grin It's not something a naturally slim person would think about, but it's a good example of a bad dress style for a larger size.

It's a shame your friend didn't just say something JParkson! I'm glad you've cleared the air with her now. smile

FriendlyLadybird Tue 30-Apr-13 11:29:19

She went out of her way to tell you that? She's either really stupid or spectacularly unpleasant.

shock What a nasty piece of work your 'friend' is. What a horrible thing to say. Shame on her. And flowers for you.

seriouscakeeater Tue 30-Apr-13 11:43:51

shock nasty bitch! Don't bother going... Or if you do spend the entire time face bombing grin

flowery Tue 30-Apr-13 11:45:59

Good on your DH. I would do exactly the same, no way would I go to the wedding.

grrrrrrrrrrrrrr Tue 30-Apr-13 11:53:02

Well yes I did see her this morning, I tried to avoid but she cornered me on the way out. I said look I am a little upset about what was said yesterday and please allow me some cool off time, she explained she never meant to hurt me, and if I knew what pressure she was under she would understand, I said nothing would make me treat you the way I was treated, apparently there is more to it, but I said I got to go as have a lot on.

Spoke to a few RL friends and they are shock too.

Cerisier Tue 30-Apr-13 11:55:36

Some people have no idea of the way words can hurt. They can't be taken back and wound for years. What a shallow, thoughtless woman your friend is OP. Disgraceful behaviour.

Your DH's idea to take your holiday then is an excellent one.

Not making it better is she? She is under pressure not to have you in the wedding party. What a shitty way to behave....

makingdoo Tue 30-Apr-13 11:57:41

This is awful OP. So glad you told her that you are upset. Don't let her turn it around to her being the poor stressed out bride.

She is supposed to be your good friend and she has treated you really badly. She knows this and is doing her best to get you to tell her it's ok. It's not ok, no matter how you look at it.

Distance yourself from her and plan a great holiday with your DH.

SanitaryOwl Tue 30-Apr-13 12:00:19

I like the way you've stood up for yourself. Make sure you DO take that holiday next June!

Pressure, my arse. My big FAT arse.

MissLurkalot Tue 30-Apr-13 12:02:58

Well done OP, you handled that bloody brilliantly.
Now, get on with your life, leave her behind.
I do not care what excuse she has to offer you.. She trampled all over your feelings, good and proper... All for this do called bollocking 'pressure'.
Please see this as a good thing.. A real 'light bulb' moment.. To ditch this friendship and to concentrate on more deserving relationships in your life.

angelos02 Tue 30-Apr-13 12:03:45

She is an utter bitch. I wouldn't speak to her again if I were you. It is unforgivable. I don't care what 'pressure' someone is under, you do not treat people like that. No decent person would even notice someone's appearance when chosing their wedding party. She's a bit over-obsessed about her wedding day. I give it 6 months.

Finola1step Tue 30-Apr-13 12:03:51

Hi OP. Yep, she knows she done wrong. I agree that she now wants you to say all is ok. This would then free her to carry on with her plans, guilt free and you will say no more. She's just hoping you shut up and don't cause any trouble.

All this fuss for a wedding that's not even until next year. Lets hope she respects your wish for some space.

Mumsyblouse Tue 30-Apr-13 12:05:36

How horrible for you, but you are soooo in the right and she will look back and be ashamed at her crassness and stupidity. Please don't go to the wedding, it would be very hurtful for you, you have to believe, like your husband does that you would be doing THEM the favour by surrounding them by good friends who love them, and if they don't feel like that about it and would rather have a perfect photo, good luck to them.

Bibs123 Tue 30-Apr-13 12:07:24

I hope she gets a big boil on her nose for the wedding... and puts on 3 stone!

Finola1step Tue 30-Apr-13 12:09:59

Just had a thought. I wonder if her chosen bridesmaids know that they have been chosen for their size and not because it is a mark of how much the bride values their friendships? I would be very uncomfortable if that were me.

It wouldn't be me though because I am more of a 16 than a 6. I have had some experience though of being friends with someone a lot slimmer and gradually getting the sneaky feeling that the only reason they are friendly is because some skinny women think having a fat mate makes them look even better in comparison.

Areyoumadorisitme Tue 30-Apr-13 12:21:57

Well handled OP, you made your point but kept your dignity, which is remarkably hard to do!

quoteunquote Tue 30-Apr-13 12:22:16

Dear (stupid exfriend's name)

Inspired by the concept of adding symmetry to ones life, I have decided to do so,

There is not enough depth in my life to balance out, so much shallow,

Therefore in the interests of keeping an equilibrium , I know you will understand, you have to go.

good luck and all that,

grrrrrrrrrrrrrr

NatashaBee Tue 30-Apr-13 12:25:18

grin Quoteunquote

Sounds like you had a lucky escape to me OP, I'm sure she'll be a bridezilla.

GreenEggsAndNichts Tue 30-Apr-13 12:28:01

pressure. So it's okay to exclude your best friend from your wedding because of pressure. From whom?! So when her sister gets married, will your 'friend' be dictating who is in her wedding party, too?

You are well rid. Please don't cool off. She's hoping you'll calm down and things will go back to normal and you'll help her choose dresses and whatever the hell else. You know, because you're good for that, but not good enough to stand up there in one of them yourself. angry bitch.

FreedomOfTheTess Tue 30-Apr-13 12:33:29

You handled that fabulously grrrrrrrrrrrr

If it is her sister putting pressure on her, not to have you in the wedding party, she should tell her sister to fuck off.

Quite honestly, if my sister had done anything like this, I would have done. And if my sister didn't like it, she'd have been the one excluded from the wedding party.

I'd definitely book that holiday, you really don't need a 'friend' like this one.

fuzzpig Tue 30-Apr-13 12:41:02

God. What a bitch.

I am a bridesmaid next month, I probably weigh as much as both the bride and her sister (other bridesmaid) put together. Oh and my arms are covered in scars as I self harmed for years. Does she care? No, because we are friends.

pigletmania Tue 30-Apr-13 13:29:44

This makes her sound even worse shock. I think you are seeing her true colours coming out now. If she cannot stick up for herself against her mum and sister she has no backbone. I don't think in te 7 years you really knew her. Op she does not sound very nice at all, I would be coolin things off in the friendship. Whatever pressure you have you do not treat anyone like that especially somebody who is supposed to be a close friend

pigletmania Tue 30-Apr-13 13:31:30

Grrrr I wouldn't have been so pleasant to her and would have told her straight

SarahAndFuck Tue 30-Apr-13 13:48:29

OP that was a cruel thing to do to you.

And it makes no difference what pressure she is or isn't under, she should never have given you that particular explanation.

The 'pressure' comment now is an excuse. She has behaved like a shit. She knows she has been a shit. You know she has been a shit. Now she is worried that you will tell everyone else what she said and they will think she is a shit as well. And on her wedding day, half of her guests will still be thinking that she is a shit as she walks down the aisle with her skinny bridesmaids.

Nobody wants to be the shit in the wedding dress.

So she's trying to make you feel sorry for her because she said something nasty to you. It's damage limitation for her own benefit. She is not your friend. If she was your friend she would have said that she was sorry for being a shit and hopes you will forgive her.

My best friend has struggled with weight problems for most of her adult life, caused by a disability, and has also suffered from some hair loss which has been linked to PCOS. She was next to me as my maid of honour in all of my wedding photo's and if anyone had tried to suggest she shouldn't be they would have regretted opening their mouths to say a word against her. I just wouldn't have allowed it. She's my best mate.

JParkson Tue 30-Apr-13 14:03:55

PS size 16 isn't a bad size! I was that size when I got married, and at my sister's wedding too (where I was grudgingly given the MOH slot, as her 'best' friend couldn't make it due to getting a boob job... hmm )

Floggingmolly Tue 30-Apr-13 14:31:48

Symmetrical photos, eh? hmm. Hope it pisses down all day.

letseatgrandma Tue 30-Apr-13 14:34:19

I would have to ask her to explain the pressure she is under to you. If she thinks that once you hear this, you will understand-I'd need to hear it!

Does she think she is the first person to ever get married!?

glastocat Tue 30-Apr-13 14:51:50

I would need to hear her reasons too, just before I told her to fuck off to the far side of fuck. What an utter bitch!

elQuintoConyo Tue 30-Apr-13 14:54:40

....Really?

Vodabitch!

Go to the wedding. Wear something atrocious. Be loud. Dance badly. Photobomb all night.

Ok, don't do that. Thinking it is good

I'd decline the invite and move on. There dorsn't have to be a huge aguement - as a pp said, maybe it's the DM's influence, or even the sister's. In which case, I still wouldn't want such a flaky friend.

Poor you.
Run for the hills!

Squitten Tue 30-Apr-13 14:56:33

I'd love to know what terrible pressures she's under to make her treat her own friends like shit. I do hope she explains herself!

Just remember OP that, despite all this fuss and nastiness, this wedding will only be one day. She will have to come back and face everyone that she pisses off over all this and she will quickly learn that it is not worth it. I think your DH has the right idea - get booking a holiday!

shewhowines Tue 30-Apr-13 15:00:54

Have a lovely holiday in June and well done to Dh for supporting you.

She will have to explain to her husband to be why his best friend won't be there and if she wants you to change your mind she's got a lot of sincere making up to do.

aldiwhore Tue 30-Apr-13 15:00:56

Oh FFS if she wants more symmetrical photos she needs imagination and a decent photographer, then no one will look out of place...

I had a tall Bridesmaid, a short bridesmaid and my sister... if we'd been lined up (as if about to be shot, and there's nothing romantic in that) the photos would have been dull.

Your 'best friend' has been incredibly shallow and insensitive. I am not sure I could be friends with someone who thought that way, no matter how sweet, I would find it very difficult to hide my utter disdain.

Whatever you do, do not start thinking it's your fault, you could be slimmer, but she'll always be a bitch. You are lovely as you are if you smile, and I don't need some crappy photo to know that, it's a universal fact. Flip this hurt and turn it into fierce pride in yourself, how DARE she make you feel so horrible?!

If she'd never told you the reason then meh... at least she had a heart. She could have suggested you be mate of honour, wearing different clothes so that symmetry wouldn't matter so much (not that it bloody does) she could have made you feel special, wanted, loved and appreciated. She chose not to because she's a small minded silly little girl who puts uniformity above friendship.

She is, sweety, a twat. Put yourself out there and gather nice people. x

shewhowines Tue 30-Apr-13 15:02:22

Sorry not his best friend.

aldiwhore Tue 30-Apr-13 15:07:44

I am sorry for ranting.

Actually I'm not.

Even if she IS being pressured by some weird force, she needs to grow a spine.

arabesque Tue 30-Apr-13 16:22:37

You would have to be seriously shallow to exclude your best friend from being bridesmaid on the basis of their size.
And you would have to be very seriously thick to actually tell them that's the reason.

Grrrrrrr, don't invite her to your next party. When she wants to know why just tell her that she's your best friend and all that but she's so shallow and thick she would seriously unbalance the depth and intelligence of the occasion.

Seriously, she sounds awful.

bleedingheart Tue 30-Apr-13 16:24:05

I hope her in-laws are thin or is she going to hire actors to play them? What a tool!
Your photos are meant to be a record of the day, memories of a great time with people who are special.
Basically she is more concerned about who will look better blown up on some god awful 7ft canvas.
Let's hope the skinny bridesmaids aren't prettier than her!
YANBU

DontmindifIdo Tue 30-Apr-13 16:36:01

oh yes, definately tell everyone you know mutually that she told you she wanted you to be a bridesmaid but that you're too fat and would ruin the photos. You'll get lots of "what!!!????!!" responses from others at the school gate particularly. Smile sadly and say "oh, it's ok, it's her big day afterall. I just didn't think i was that big..." (let your voice trail off).

That will get round like wildfire. Perhaps a little public shaming will make her see what she said/did was outrageous.

As for complaining about the "pressure" - she's old enough to have school aged DCs, so she's old enough to tell her mother and sister to wind their necks in and chose her own bridesmaids - if she's done this for a quiet life from them, she's saying that offending you and not having the wedding she wants is far better than upsetting them. Basically, anyone else's feelings can be sacrificed so long as she doesn't have to deal with other people's stress.

TheMNeffect Tue 30-Apr-13 16:46:46

I'm wondering if your friend is my SIL. She is definitely the type to pull this kind of crap. And she is marrying june next year.

I had 5 good friends as bridesmaids. They ranged from a size 8 to 26 and in somewhere in the middle myself. It never even occurred to me to ask people according to their size! shock

And my photos are amazing, I love the group shots the best as it happens smile.

Dozer Tue 30-Apr-13 17:13:42

shock

poozlepants Tue 30-Apr-13 17:36:40

With all this stress maybe she'll start comfort eating , blow up like a balloon and where will she be then with no fat bridesmaids to fall back on.

foslady Tue 30-Apr-13 18:20:29

I'd love to know if husband to be knows that she's pulled this stunt on one of her now ex close mates - if my exh had pulled s stunt like that I would never have married him in the 1st place

grrrrrrrrrrrrrr Tue 30-Apr-13 18:28:52

Well a little bit of an update, a friend popped in for coffee before school (mutual friend) I told her what happened and she pulled a face, she was honest and said the last time they spoke b/f was saying that her sister has moaning about me being in the bridal party and did not want to spend any time with me ( long story here we used to work together before kids got on ok ish till the new guy started work and we both had a crush on him, the new guy just happens to now be dh, I did not know she licked him until ages after we started going out)

So I imagine her sister has put a lot of pressure on her, but tbh I can not be bothered with it all, your right she should be able to assert herself and say what she wants, but she has always been easily let.

Just puzzled why she had to tell me I was excluded from the wedding party by mentioning my weight rather than coming up with a non personal excuse.

grrrrrrrrrrrrrr Tue 30-Apr-13 18:30:25

Sure her fiancee knows nothing about it, funny thing is he is overweight !!

IsItMeOr Tue 30-Apr-13 18:36:49

Admiring your handling of this grrrrrrrr

Her sister needs to get over herself - if your DH was into her, well he wouldn't be your DH would he. What a ridiculous reason for her to fall out with you.

And the bride needs to get a grip. What age is she that she's letting her sister choose her friends?

Please don't let bride make it up to you, she has behaved terribly and your self-respect should not allow you to make her feel anything other than awful about it.

Stay strong!

DontmindifIdo Tue 30-Apr-13 18:37:06

Well, you have been told by the bride it's because of your weight, so that's what I'd be telling everyone. Let them judge her (and most will). She might not actually be that shallow, it might be because her sister doesn't like you and she's prioritised family over friends, but she didn't then have to insult you in her explaination.

Actually, most people would understand that if her sister was refusing to be a bridesmaid if you were too so she felt she had to invite sister and not you, but that's not what she's said. Obviously the fact she mentioned the 'symetrical' thing means that she was aware of it being "a problem". And you have every right to tell everyone what she said to you. Quite frankly she deserves a little public humilition for this...

SweepTheHalls Tue 30-Apr-13 18:40:25

I got ditched from being a bridesmaid as I got pregnant. Gutted.

foslady Tue 30-Apr-13 18:53:08

Hope she's overweight too, it'd bugger the symmetry otherwise grin.

If she's backing down to her sister already, can you imagine what a nightmare she'll become - 'If I don't get those shoes/dress/hair style/make up......well,not only has she lost a good friend she's also made a rod for her own back.

Enjoy your holiday!

PuggyMum Tue 30-Apr-13 18:53:14

Even though the consensus is you've dodged a bullet here I know it will all be very upsetting and hearing this other friends' take on it the plot really does thicken.

I do think this is game over for the friendship. Whether it be weight or the sister. I would be tempted to let the bride try to explain herself for the sake of wanting to make it look like I was giving her a chance but I can't think of any plausible reason as to how I could see a way forward.

Your DH sounds lovely.

PenguinBear Tue 30-Apr-13 18:54:53

That is dreadful, well done for being so mature about it all smile

TheRealFellatio Tue 30-Apr-13 18:58:05

shock God Lord, is that for real? I can accept that she might have thought it, but to actually say it? shock

Is this a wind-up? Because if not then she is no best friend of yours, whatever she might say.

GreenEggsAndNichts Tue 30-Apr-13 18:59:23

The only way of making this right is for the bride to apologise profusely for having been led to make a stupid decision by her sister, and to ask for you to be her BM or MOH. That really is the only acceptable outcome, if you are truly her best friend. It would be one thing to be an acquaintance, or one of a large group of equal friends, etc, but it's clear by her constant need to 'explain' that the bride knows she should have had you in her party.

Her sister is a cah but the bride needs a spine. Perhaps there's one of those on her wedding list. smile

HighJinx Tue 30-Apr-13 19:01:51

The bride and her sister both sound immature.

The bride mentioned on a girls night out that she would be picking bridesmaids in the next few weeks. This sounds a bit desperate tbh.

The sister can't put aside her feelings about you for one day so that her sister can have the bridal party that she wants? It's not as if you ran off with her husband.

The bride decided she wanted to give you a reason that you weren't asked and decided to mention your dress size. So somewhere along the line this has clearly occurred to her and she sees it as a valid enough reason to actually say it out loud.

I'd start planning your holiday.

complexnumber Tue 30-Apr-13 19:08:11

So glad I'm a bloke...

GIAB

(Can we have that as another acronynm?)

BatmanLovesVodkaAndCherryade Tue 30-Apr-13 19:19:05

How petty! I can see why you ended up with your DH and she didn't... what a charming personality your friend's sister has! And what a spineless friend you have...

digerd Tue 30-Apr-13 19:27:04

One of the major roles of an Alpha male chimpanzee, is to "keep the bickering females in order to keep peace and harmony in the group."

But once it was only 2 females - one higher ranking picking on a lower ranking for another pissing her off.
The Alpha male was chilling out and left them to it as couldn't be bothered grin

quoteunquote Tue 30-Apr-13 19:32:41

I've found you a dress

but she has always been easily led.

That doesn't excuse treating people like shit.

Helltotheno Tue 30-Apr-13 19:55:30

OP you do know that you need to distance yourself from this person now right? Because see, if you don't, she's gotten away with treating you incredibly badly and you're effectively taking it... meaning that she can treat you like sh&t in the future with impunity, knowing that you'll take it then aswell.

The thing is real friends don't treat each other this way.

There's no question of you even going to this wedding you know that right? And there's even less question of you allowing your DD to feature in this wedding, you know that right?

Please stand up for yourself here, it doesn't matter what her excuse is. There's no excuse in fact. She think you're fat and doesn't want you in her photos, that's the bottom line. That's beyond insulting. With friends like that, what traits would your enemies have? How much are you prepared to tolerate?

DontmindifIdo Tue 30-Apr-13 20:03:14

Been thinking again, she really can't use her sister as an excuse, while her sister making a fuss might be why she did this, your 'friend' effectively decided her having a quiet life by not upsetting her sister was more important to her than your friendship - she doesn't really like you that much because she's prepared to throw away your friendship in order to avoid a couple of sharp words with her sister. That's actually very selfish.

youmaycallmeSSP Tue 30-Apr-13 20:21:20

shock what a mean thing to say! And the update doesn't make it any better either. How... odd.

I must admit I rather thought it worked the other way around: if you're drop-dead gorgeous then you will never be a bridesmaid grin

youmaycallmeSSP Tue 30-Apr-13 20:24:05

...which is why I've once never been asked, natch.

Floggingmolly Tue 30-Apr-13 20:37:06

She dumped you from bridesmaid duties on the say so of her sister and then told you it was because you're too fat? I hope she's an ex friend now, that sounds nuts hmm

MrsCampbellBlack Tue 30-Apr-13 20:46:22

I have read this thread like this shock

I mean if she'd said to you 'look its just going to be too awkward with my sister for you to be a bridesmaid' - well you may have been a tad miffed but would have understood.

But to say its because you're too fat! Honestly - she must be really very dim indeed.

Xales Tue 30-Apr-13 20:50:34

If her sister is causing this, what are the chances OP will get get an invite to the wedding rather than just the evening do? Or hen night? Her sister is obviously going to be there plus by the friend's comments OP is going to be 'too fat' to be in any of the group photos at all (unless she stands her behind others).

Your 'friend' is trying to make you feel sorry for her so you don't feel angry. Pressure is no excuse to be a bitch. She is a nasty bit of work. You are better off gracefully withdrawing from the friendship if you can.

If she still wants to get the children together can you drop off and collect later rather than go in for coffee if you don't want your DC to miss out?

Xmasbaby11 Tue 30-Apr-13 20:51:06

That's disgusting. You do realise she's not a real friend?

Squitten Tue 30-Apr-13 20:53:31

So her sister is as nasty as she is. Must be a family trait...

It make no difference OP. Her sister should grow up and your friend should have told her sister to get over herself. I really would be avoiding the wedding at this point.

ShadowStorm Tue 30-Apr-13 21:50:47

Ouch.

Thats a really, really horrible reason to not pick a good friend as a bridesmaid.

And her whining about what 'pressure' she's under doesn't justify her behaviour. If her sister's pressuring her into not picking you as a bridesmaid because of past history between you and her sister, then why not just tell you the real reason, instead of making insulting comments about your size?

ShipwreckedAndComatose Tue 30-Apr-13 22:05:27

Blimey! I would have thought that telling you that you are not a bridesmaid cos sis doesn't like you would be less painful that some shite about your weight!

The sister sounds like a right piece of work (way to go on getting the guy, btw!!)
Glad DH agrees with the holiday plan smile

walk away and plan that holiday with your family.

no one needs shitty school girl drama like that! and if anyone asks... tell them the truth.

still very angry on your behalf

DontmindifIdo Tue 30-Apr-13 22:12:15

shipwrecked - you have a good point, the 'friend' chose a far more hurtful reason than the truth, why would you do that? Why not say "look, you know my sister doesn't like you, and I'm under a lot of pressure in the family not to have you as my bridesmaid, she won't go if you are my bridesmaid and my mum will feel her loyalities are split, I hope you understand I can't let my wedding be the cause of a big family row." and the OP would be sympathetic - still be there for her etc, but instead, the bride called her oldest best friend too fat to be in her photos!

IME, people normally lie about their reasons to do things to make their reasons sound better, not worse. Therefore, of the two reasons she's given, I'm tempted to believe the 'too fat for my photos' reason, usually the one that puts the person telling the stories in the worse light is the real one.

YellowTulips Wed 01-May-13 00:59:43

As I see it you have 2 options.

1. Go on a fab holiday with DH

2. Go to the wedding in an amazing dress looking a damn site better than the BM's (lets face it I certainly haven't seen many REALLY flattering BM outfits since Pippa got McQueen'd - Zilla's don't actually want BM's to look THAT good) so its not going to be hard to do regardless of size (even supermodels look shit in peach satin!)

It would be a no brainier for me - I'd be by the pool somewhere hot with a glass of wine next to a DH that clearly shows a lot more moral fibre and sense than your "friend".

wine for your DH and flowers for you - life is too short for shit like this!

She's a cruel bitch. Dump her.

Pobblewhohasnotoes Wed 01-May-13 07:18:59

She's listening to her cow of a sister.

She thinks you're overweight.

She isnt a friend, she's a bitch, get rid. And her sister really needs to get over it!

Finola1step Wed 01-May-13 07:28:35

So she's under pressure from her sister. Rather than tell you this, she comes up with a really personal comment about your weight. Why does she do this? Because in that moment her comment revealed what she really and truly thinks of you.

Keep your head held high and have nothing to do with this horrible woman's wedding (hope it pisses down on he day, if it even goes ahead!)

edwardsmum11 Wed 01-May-13 07:34:45

Yanbu, I would end the friendship now tbh.

Bunbaker Wed 01-May-13 07:46:34

My sister is overweight. She was my bridesmaid because she is my sister. End of.

grrrrrrrrrrrrrr Wed 01-May-13 08:02:43

2 morning now I have woken up thinking about it and its still really troubling me, so I have decided that after the school run I will invite her round for a coffee and a chat, too many things are buzzing round my head and I think I need to sit down and have a chat. Mutual friends (inc a bridesmaid) has spoken to me and asked why I was in the party and asked if we had fallen out, so I told her developments hardly a surprise but she was shock too.

Just need to sit her down and probably say because of whats happened and the way I have been treated I do not want to continue with the friendship, I can not see any way forward as even if we do make peace the next 13 months are going to be a nightmare and whenever something is mentioned about the wedding it will stir up these feeling again.

olgaga Wed 01-May-13 08:06:54

Poor you, hope you get the chance to put this to bed.

LemonPeculiarJones Wed 01-May-13 08:14:27

Good luck OP. Stick to your guns and don't let her whine and justify herself. She'll probably resort to tears so be prepared to be unruffled. She has behaved appallingly and shouldn't be allowed to self-pity her way out of it.

TheUnicornsGoHawaiian Wed 01-May-13 08:19:20

thanks good luck OP. I think you may find there is someone 'working her strings' still unacceptable though. I think it'll do you good to get it off your chest.

grrr yes, don't let her wheedle round you. I agree with lemon she may try waterworks and emotional rubbish. I don't see a way back from this one, personally. I think it should be about having YOUR say and no more. Do come back and let us know how you get on.

Chiggers Wed 01-May-13 08:26:36

Go to the wedding in a fab dress that everyone will be talking about. Steal the limelight from her on her big day. Wear the MN cheesy grin as well so she thinks you're up to something and gets paranoid and untrusting grin.

Alternatively, you could say you're renewing your vows to DH and you'd have invited her to be a witness, but you can't because she's too skinny to look good in the photos.

flowery Wed 01-May-13 08:26:40

Well I wouldn't be having her round for coffee and a chat.

phantomhairpuller Wed 01-May-13 08:35:49

OP could you 'accidentally' leave your laptop open on this thread?! She needs to realise what a complete and utter twunt she is being and how the majority of MN thinks she is a rude and materialistic cow bag! Good luck wink

phantomhairpuller Wed 01-May-13 08:36:23

When she comes round for coffee I mean confused

Montgomers Wed 01-May-13 08:56:35

Just "Your sister needs to get over herself. You need to stop being influenced by her, what you did was cruel. Neither of us will be attending your wedding for these reasons. I'm sorry our friendship is over."

Montgomers Wed 01-May-13 09:12:47

Or "I'm sorry, our friendship is over for the time being." She might be young, overwhelmed and have been stupid under pressure. She sounds contrite and might make things right, time will tell.

Peevish Wed 01-May-13 09:19:58

OP, please don't allow her to manipulate you into swallowing your hurt and making up with her! You sound eminently reasonable and sweet, and she sounds unusually stupid or cruel, can't quite decide which... Your feelings are the most important thing here, not her desire to behave badly and still feel good about herself.

grrrrrrrrrrrrrr Wed 01-May-13 09:40:40

Yes there were tears (hers) I let her explain it from her side, yes her sister is pulling the strings, saying if she includes me they she will not be part of the ceremony nor will her niece (who friend adores) so she had to choose.

I knew her sister was not very nice from social gatherings DH always felt uncomfortable around her because she would openly flirt, but I just let her get on with it as I knew she was sad and a bit pathetic not letting go something that happened 10+ years ago. She did try and backtrack about referring to my weight saying she tried to make out it was height related as well !!!!!!!! I think she realised what an arse she has been as a lot of our mutual friends have told her she was out of order, and she did seen genuinely sorry, However I pointed out to her that its her day and she should not of let anyone dictate anything to her (she agreed) but where her mum and sister are concerned she will do all she can to please them. (that's another story).

I wished her all the best for her wedding and said I am more than happy to be civil and have the odd chat in the playground, but our friendship as it was is over as she has caused me a lot of upset.

If we did not have children in the same school and a lot of mutual friends it would have been better/easier to cut her out of my life. I feel so sad its come to this as she has been a good friend, but after this impossible to recover from. I waited for her to leave before I had one final cry, now I am going to meet another friend go to town, buy myself a fab dress and have lunch out.

Once again thank you wonderful people for the great advice, a lot have made me laugh / cry. There was so many things I could and wanted to say, but I rose above it, at almost 40 I feel I am a grown up now ;)

DontmindifIdo Wed 01-May-13 09:58:36

oh, you sounded like you did well. i'm sure you'd have been more understanding if she'd started with saying about her sister, not insulting your figure.

Got out, have a nice day, buy a fabulous dress. Once this story gets round, your mutual friends will know what sort of a person she is.

Enjoy shopping!

MrsCampbellBlack Wed 01-May-13 10:00:34

Well done - you've handled a horrible situation very gracefully.

I bet she does feel bad and she will continue to do so until she grows a backbone.

Pobblewhohasnotoes Wed 01-May-13 10:00:56

Good for you OP!

Sounds like her sister has serious problems if she holds a ten year old grudge.

cuillereasoupe Wed 01-May-13 10:01:26

I did not know she licked him until ages after we started going out

I'd definitely be cross if my friend's sister had been licking my husband grin

Apologies OP, I couldn't resist!

MakeHayNotStraw Wed 01-May-13 10:02:13

Wow - I can't believe she would even think that, let alone say it! My 3 BMs were all different sizes because they were my two oldest friends and my youngest sister - never never did it cross my mind to worry about that. And they wore the most gorgeous non-bridesmaidy dresses (I nearly bought one myself....). Surely if you love people enough to ask them to do that job then you want them to feel and look good? And if you make excuses like unbalancing the photos as a reason for not choosing them you are no friend and should not have time wasted on you....

Shocked for you, OP. you must be very hurt and I'm sorry that it has happened.

ivanapoo Wed 01-May-13 10:07:01

Well done. Her sister sounds horrendous. I actually feel a bit sorry for her, being that bitter for 10 years must be hard...

Can't believe she made it out to be about your height though, wtaf? You would think she would have let it go after that...

Have a great day shopping!

MakeHayNotStraw Wed 01-May-13 10:08:21

Just seen your update - you handled it a lot better than I would have done....

Actually, it reminds me of a conversation I had with an ex who had started seeing a housemate/friend of mine - he and I had stayed friends for the 2 years since we split up and I had no problems with his new relationship, but in this chat he said he couldn't really talk to me anymore because it wasn't fair on her. Apparently his new lady had said that she and i weren't that close anyway.... I was stunned, but managed to just say "well, then, we have different ideas of our friendship".

Sorry, no idea why I shared that - except that it hurts when you realise what someone you liked really thinks. Book a wonderful holiday and make us all jealous by telling us where you are going next June....!

aldiwhore Wed 01-May-13 10:22:52

grrrrrrrrrrrr You ARE the bigger person here, and I'm not talking dress size.

I still don't get the whole 'sister pressure' thing. I adore my sister, but if she or anyone else started the whole "I won't do it if so and so is involved" they'd remove themselves from my plans. Those who deliver ultimatums (unless they are for very good cause) usually are the losers, or should be.

I salute you for your civility, for speaking to your friend, and your acknowledgement that you don't need to be 'enemies'. Pity your friend for being so weak, it's more cathartic than hating her.

It is very sad when things like this happen, but you will recover. x

Helltotheno Wed 01-May-13 10:27:34

Good for you OP, you handled it well <applause emoticon>
At least she now knows you're not a pushover.
Also, you've saved yourself the expense of a wedding!

GreenEggsAndNichts Wed 01-May-13 10:37:24

Sounds like you said all that needed to be said, OP. Well done. It's a shame she isn't able to stand up to her sister. sad

SanitaryOwl Wed 01-May-13 10:38:02

I hope you have a really lovely holiday with your DH when this wedding is going on. You did the right thing, so keep your chin up, Grrrrrrrrrrr!

AnonYonimousBird Wed 01-May-13 10:46:05

OP, I take my hat off to you, how sad to lose a friend, but you handled it so well. Not sure I could have been so dignified!! Now, get that holiday booked!!!!

Xales Wed 01-May-13 11:08:07

You have been very dignified about this.

Un MN hugs

pigletmania Wed 01-May-13 11:56:15

You did so well grrrrrrr, well done you. I am sorry her excuses are pathetic and spineless, she did not sound like much of a friend. My half sister tried to pull a similar stunt, she is 22 years older than me and s very toxic and self centred. She never loved me and resented me when I was born as "I took her dad away". She married a lovely man and had two sons, she had an affair left him.

At the time of my wedding she said she couldn't come and was too busy, so I invited her ex husband, he is lovely and the father of my 2 nephews. Her brothers grew up with him, when she heard this she was furious and telephoned me to tell me to uninvited him. I told her straight that it was my wedding an I an invite whoever I want. She slammed the phone down and has not spoken to m since (9 years). I feel happy really and don't miss her

PaleHousewifeOfCumbriaCounty Wed 01-May-13 11:59:43

Well done you. I hope her wedding is shit!

PuggyMum Wed 01-May-13 12:07:55

At least you have closure now which considering its only been a few days is pretty good going. This would have really eaten me up.

You've maintained dignity throughout and over time she will realise (if not already) what a gem of a friend she has lost. Your gemness has shone through here.

YellowTulips Wed 01-May-13 12:08:27

Well done OP grin

pigletmania Wed 01-May-13 12:10:40

If she only just sat you down to explain from the outset than I feel it would be ok, but she she nt she used a very nasty excuse and was still using it today when you sat down with her

ChocsAwayInMyGob Wed 01-May-13 12:11:01

Well handled OP. Saying tough things face to face takes guts and you did very well.

Now don't forget to buy her a nice toilet roll cover or some such tasteful knick knack and stick it up her Bridezilla arse.

pigletmania Wed 01-May-13 12:13:28

She could have suggested an informal role to make you involved, or to do a reading. Instead she was not honest to you about the situation, instead using a nasty excuse. Does not sound like much of a friend

FreedomOfTheTess Wed 01-May-13 12:17:47

You've handled this really well OP.

I'm sorry it has cost you a friendship, but to be honest, you're better off out of it.

Enjoy your day with your other friend and have fun shopping.

very well handled. i'm just so shock on your behalf.

what a bitchy sister she has. well rid imo

pigletmania Wed 01-May-13 12:34:06

She had better start getting a backbone soon or what else is her sister going to ruin, she has already cost a good friend.

Dubjackeen Wed 01-May-13 12:45:11

Well done OP, you have been nothing but dignified throughout. I am incredulous that a 'friend' would say such a thing in the first place and then try to justify it. You have handled it so well. Let it be her loss. Good friends are not that easily found. I think she will regret this, and has set herself up for many a hard knock ahead if she is allowing herself to be pushed around to this extent. I have heard of bridezillas but she takes it to a whole new level.
You probably will not now be invited to the wedding, so I suggest toasting the symmetrical gathering from afar-on a nice holiday, preferably.
Hold your head high OP, and enjoy the company of true friends. flowers

well done op... yes, its cost you a friendship, but honestly, who needs friends like that?

her sister im sure will cause more issues for her leading up to the big day and she'll probably end up regreting how she treated you.

only people that need to grow up and like lots of drama stay bitter about having a crush on someone and not "getting" them 10+ years ago. madness confused

Casserole Wed 01-May-13 13:02:21

OP you are bloody awesome. I am already married but I would quite like to have another wedding so I could have you in it grin

LemonPeculiarJones Wed 01-May-13 13:03:51

flowers Stands and applauds OP flowers

Joins in applause. Fabulous!

SusanneLinder Wed 01-May-13 13:11:44

A 16, bloody hell, is that supposed to be overweight....hmm The way she is talking, I thought you were morbidly obese.

What an utter cow!

givemeaclue Wed 01-May-13 13:17:00

Mexican wave for op...

Well done.

very well done OP

maturely handled and you've def done the right thing. i'd say she has a lot of think about now so perhaps she wont make a similar mistake in the future??!!!

Squitten Wed 01-May-13 13:34:52

Well done OP! You handled that brilliantly!

She obviously is not a good friend so you've lost nothing. It's a shame she is allowing her wedding to be dictated by her family. She will regret it all in the end and she will have to live with that for the rest of her life.

JParkson Wed 01-May-13 13:38:08

Absolute madness from her sister!

Well done OP, you handled it very well thanks wink

CatelynStark Wed 01-May-13 14:06:33

Another well done! A horrible situation that your ex friend will regret for many years to come - sad, but entirely her own fault.

Her sister is completely bonkers!

Well done.

What a spineless and pathetic woman.

fuzzpig Wed 01-May-13 15:03:39

Gosh, she sounds like a twelve year old, as does her sister (actually that's an insult to twelve year olds) her sister fancied your DH but you 'won' him, good grief, get over it silly woman! (The sister I mean)

I've had situations where a couple of DH's colleagues have continually blanked me/bitched about me due to them having a thing for him. It got to me (I hate the idea of anyone thinking badly of me) but in the end I just found I pitied them grin

You have done absolutely brilliantly handling it so maturely and being assertive. You are an inspiration. Make sure you send us a virtual postcard from your holiday grin

ShipwreckedAndComatose Wed 01-May-13 17:27:59

Well done Grrrrrrrrrr! You have handled this amazingly well and deserve much, much better

StephaniePowers Wed 01-May-13 17:40:55

Wow, you handled that so well!
I feel a bit sorry for your ex-friend, she handled a difficult situation extremely poorly and she will have learned a lesson about hurting friends.
I have had a few things pointed out to me by my inlaws about my appearance and it hurts very much but sadly I can't detach with the grace which you have shown.

shewhowines Wed 01-May-13 17:54:59

You are hurting but she does realise just what an arse she has been about it. I can understand her choosing her sister and niece over you, but why didn't she just tell you the truth?

Maybe over time, if she is genuinely sorry, you will both get over this and resume your friendship. It's such a shame to both lose something you value because of a admittedly severe and stupid mistake on her part.

Continue to be civil and see how you feel a few months down the line.

grrrrrrrrrrrrrr Wed 01-May-13 18:41:49

Thanks all for your kind words again.

I did feel a little sorry for her, but could not let it have an impact on my life.

Her sister has a lot of issues (hardly a surprise) they have been a few other instances of weirdness on her part, she just has not a kind word to say about anyone and its come back and bit her on the bum more times than that. She feels the world is against her.

I had a lovely day out with another friend, funnily was not able to find a dress (never can when I looking) but had a nice lunch and bought myself 2 pairs of shoes (my weakness)

pigletmania Wed 01-May-13 19:39:05

Than what a sad life your ex friend will have trying to please someone who cannot be pleased, I hope for her sake she learns sooner rather than later

ShipwreckedAndComatose Wed 01-May-13 19:54:19

See, I can kind of get her choosing her sister over you and how difficult it is to learn to say no to such a complete controlling bitch. I can see that this might take years of unlearning for her.

But she could have come up with a better way of breaking it to you. Some way of trying to let you down gently. confused

MissLurkalot Wed 01-May-13 21:27:52

I think you're brilliant OP... Seriously. Xxx

olgaga Wed 01-May-13 21:41:41

OP you're obviously someone who is full of real character - well done to you.

Hope you enjoy your shoes, your freedom from this absurd hassle, and the nice holiday you'll have with your DH. Credit to him too.

x

digerd Thu 02-May-13 07:35:10

My SIS had children - nieces- as her bridesmaids. Don't remember who her maid of Honour was - she certainly did not ask me to be it, but never gave it a thought < until now>.

fromparistoberlin Thu 02-May-13 08:22:54

sometimes I love MN!

this thread I hope gave you the courage to stick up for yourself and tell a complete bitch to fuck off

I know its not easy, but you stuck up for yourself

brava OP

I wish I was as collected as you op, I would never be able to face her again, let alone have a discussion about it!

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