Mother not acknowledging pregnancy - AIBU to cancel family holiday?

(92 Posts)
Xiaoxiong Mon 29-Apr-13 17:27:06

My mother has ishoos with age and life transitional events - every time I've moved from one stage in my life to another she has caused some sort of drama or tension or has belittled or dismissed it. I think she feels these events signal to the world that she is getting older and hasn't accomplished what she wants (she is ambitious but self sabotages). So I always knew that having children of my own would cause ructions.

She also has lots of opinions of how I (and everyone else) should live their lives, which are always of course in their best interests in her eyes. She thought that for my health and family I should have a very big gap between children, if I should indeed have any more at all - I just brushed it off and told her we would have DC2 when it made sense for us.

I fell pregnant with DC2 in January - there will be a 22 month gap between DCs (gap between me and my brother: 19 months). Emailed my parents to tell them. My father emailed back and said he was overjoyed but that he would "break it to her". Since then I have heard nothing from her and she hasn't picked up any calls from me.

My dad says she is just extremely worried about my health, finances, and how I will cope with two etc and that she'll come round eventually. These worries are not unreasonable and DH and I have had the same worries, and have taken steps to plan ahead as much as possible. However she has not asked me any questions about our planning which might allay her concerns.

My dad is now asking for the dates we can come to the US for our annual family get-together in New England, staying in a cabin on an island in a lake. I've been there every year since I was born, as has my dad, so not going is a very big deal. I am really sad to think I might not go, but I can't imagine it under the circumstances.

My dad and brother (peacemaker quiet life at all costs types) think I'm the one being VVVU and prolonging the drama, because when she finally does come round we can all just let sleeping dogs lie. They also that I'm using my DS (16 months) as a weapon, threatening to withhold him from his GPs unless she apologises - something which I should apparently just accept she will never do. My dad is now saying if money is an issue he will buy our tickets as he is desperate to spend time with DS.

AIBU to not want to go on holiday with someone who has given me the silent treatment for months and still hasn't acknowledged I'm pregnant, even if that means it's terribly unfair on my dad not to see DS?

(Of course the other issue is that for the dates we are planning to fly, I'll be 31 weeks - I did go way overdue with DS though.)

HollyBerryBush Mon 29-Apr-13 17:30:43

Well, FWIW , I have a 52 week gap between my eldest children (It should have been 14 months, but DS2 was somewhat early). My dear old Dads words ? "Hmmm, was this your wisest idea?"

Not a fool my Dad!

Flappingandflying Mon 29-Apr-13 17:36:33

Go for your Dad. Your mother's ishoos are hers alone. Hopefully there will be people who can amuse your little one while you put your feet up.

Ps. Have you read 'at yellow lake' by Jane Mcloughlin. She has a family hut by a lake just like you and wrote this novel for teenagers using that setting. Tis ver good (although she's a chum so may be biaised).

MaryMotherOfCheeses Mon 29-Apr-13 17:36:37

Go on the holiday.
I'd feel sorry for your dad if you didn't.
One of you has to maje the effort and it sounds like you have to be the grown up here.
So what if she has some concerns. This is your baby.
You only have one mum.

exexpat Mon 29-Apr-13 17:38:36

I probably wouldn't want to be stuck in a cabin on an island at 31 weeks pregnant, let alone being forced to keep company with someone behaving so unreasonably and wanting to control me.

Is it possible to use the pregnancy and the cost of US healthcare as a face-saving excuse not to go? Travel insurance for the US is expensive anyway, and you may find it difficult to get when you are so far on in your pregnancy. There was a long threadin here a while back by someone who developed complications while on a trip to the US and ended up having to stay on for several months and give birth there...

I agree - go for your dad and the rest of your family. If you don't go, yes you are making a point and punishing her, but at what cost to yourself? It sounds to me like you want to go for the rest of the family and your dad...

My mum took forever to come around to the idea of being a grandmother - "I'm far too young! What will everyone think??" She was 59 FFS.

Geordieminx Mon 29-Apr-13 17:43:24

There was an MN'er who visited the states when she was about 6 months pregnant.. Went into labour.

Fortunately it was a very happy (ifuf) outcome and cost her thousands and thousand of pounds.. She ended up having to stay in the US for 5 + months if I remember correctly.

Just saying

Loa Mon 29-Apr-13 17:44:17

I'll be 31 weeks

If you really don't want to go there is your excuse.

Heavily pg with a young toddler - in an isolated place not my idea of fun.

You could suggest a delay till some time after the birth - on a see how we are basis and that would give your mother much more time to come round as well.

Lighthousekeeping Mon 29-Apr-13 17:47:28

I'd go. Have you got US health insurance just in case? 31 weeks is quite a common time to be born in my eyes. I'm very jealous of your holiday. It sounds like something out of a film. Your mum will come around.

Sirzy Mon 29-Apr-13 17:48:10

Can it be done earlier?

I would go. I would also pick up the phone and talk to your mum don't let the issues fester and become even bigger

greenformica Mon 29-Apr-13 17:49:19

I'd probably tell they you are happy to go once your mum has rang and said the things she should have said 'congratulations/how are you keeping/have you had morning sickness' etc.

Lighthousekeeping Mon 29-Apr-13 17:51:05

Do check your insurance though.

MisForMumNotMaid Mon 29-Apr-13 17:59:31

Yanbu for not wanting to go but you would be unreasonable to not go.

Your decission to not go will have far greater family repercussions on more than just your mum.

CruCru Mon 29-Apr-13 18:18:18

You would be justified in not flying at 31 weeks. I am due to go to Canada at around 28 weeks and my consultant thought it was a really stupid idea.

exexpat Mon 29-Apr-13 18:19:38

Pregnancy travel insurance - looks like it gets harder to get cover after 28 weeks.

31 weeks? Are you sure you can make the return flight? A lot of airlines have 30 weeks as a cut off to fly.

Inertia Mon 29-Apr-13 18:21:06

I wouldn't fly at that stage.

specialsubject Mon 29-Apr-13 18:23:54

just because you've always done something, doesn't mean it has to be done every single year. As everyone else says, if you can't get insurance you can't go.

sounds like you just won't be able to get insurance. If your mother is an attention-seeking whiner, that's her problem.

'issues' about things changing? How ridiculous.

1charlie1 Mon 29-Apr-13 18:26:38

Your DM's behaviour is extremely manipulative, and your DF (and DB) are enabling her to the hilt ('You know that's just how mum is' etc etc.)

It sounds like everyone is to expected to walk on eggshells around your DM, and suck up without protest whatever unpleasant behaviour she elects to dish out.

I am sorry you have been let down by your DPs at this special time.

Whether or not you choose to go will depend very much upon whether you are prepared to deal with the fallout that goes with disrupting the existing dynamic in your family.

Xiaoxiong Mon 29-Apr-13 18:28:47

Sirzy I have tried. She won't pick up the phone or respond to texts or emails from me.

I have travel insurance which includes US health but don't know if it covers pregnancy and birth so that might forestall the issue entirely actually.

I guess half of me thinks she will come round eventually and I will forgive and forget as usual. And that my dad is an innocent victim and shouldn't be punished. But he is enabling her to behave like this so the other half of me wants her and everyone else to realise that her actions have consequences. No one ever seems to say to her that this is childish behaviour to give someone the silent treatment and she is acting in the one way guaranteed not to help her anxiety - by not talking to me, she wont find out what we are doing.

CandidaDoyle Mon 29-Apr-13 18:31:39

Yanbu to be hurt by the lack of acknowledgement from your mother.

But YABU to email your parents to tell them of the pregnancy. Major news like that would usually warrant a phone call, even across different time zones.

AngryGnome Mon 29-Apr-13 18:33:01

I'm surprised that you dad and your brother are putting a holiday above any concern for your health and wellbeing and that of your baby.
Flying at that stage in your pregnancy could be very uncomfortable and there is always the possibility that you could develop complications in late pregnancy or have an early birth.
Can you not bring the holiday forward?

CandidaDoyle Mon 29-Apr-13 18:33:27

YANBU not to want to travel in late pregnancy. If your mother is worried about your health as she says, then the annual family get together should take place closer to your home.

Xiaoxiong Mon 29-Apr-13 18:35:20

Yes that's exactly it about everyone enabling her. I think she actually needs a better way of coping with anxiety than shutting down, but as there have never been any consequences she has no reason to change her behaviour (CBT or something could probably help her massively).

The airline said no problem to fly up to 36 weeks. But I have a consultant appointment next week and will follow their advice.

Pigsmummy Mon 29-Apr-13 18:41:14

I wouldn't fly long haul at 31 weeks, can you bring the trip forward? I also wouldn't want to be in a stressful environment whilst pregnant. You have some get out options, airlines will be nervous to take you, insurance will be more difficult to get so don't have to go. If you decide not to travel for these reasons then neither your Father or brother can really hold this against you.

wigglesrock Mon 29-Apr-13 18:42:02

Has she not spoken to you in 3 months? I wouldn't go anywhere near her, sorry this is not going to get any better whilst the rest of your family tiptoe around her selfishness. If she's afraid of missing out on seeing your eldest child she can feckin well pick up the phone and speak to you.

Yes it's not very nice for your Dad, but all this pussy footing about is as much his doing.

My mother is difficult, we didn't get on at all from when I was 15 until I was about 30. It was all walking on egg shells, trying to pick the right moments with her. The best thing I did for my 30th was just stop, I didn't ring her, she has a phone too, I just stopped caring as much. We worked hard, she worked harder at starting some kind of relationship. I'm almost 39 now and we have a good if at sometimes wary relationship.

I don't think your insurance will cover you anyway but I still think you need to at some point make a stand.

Xiaoxiong Mon 29-Apr-13 18:46:49

Ok so maybe the solution is:

Consultant v likely to say don't fly.
Insurance hard to get.
Will be v uncomfortable.
Email parents to say the above, so regretfully not making it to the island this year.

Then go on and live my life. Ball's been in her court for 4 months already so I will wait to hear from her.

kerala Mon 29-Apr-13 18:48:24

Are you flying out at 31 weeks? So presumably staying at least a week so flying back around 33 weeks? My second was born at 35 weeks no way would I go on this trip for that reason alone. Plus would an airline take you/insurance etc?

1charlie1 Mon 29-Apr-13 18:52:17

She is using her 'anxiety' as a stick to beat you all with. If she was truly anxious, surely she would - as you yourself have said - want to speak with you, so you could allay her fears?

Your DF is not an innocent victim in this. By not challenging your DM's bad behaviour over the years, he has actively created this situation, and others like it - it's not something into which he's now mysteriously been dropped. Your mother couldn't get away with what she does if he didn't passively acquiesce.

Your DF and DB are panicking because you're not following the family script.

The consultant may well decide the matter for you, but it's worth thinking about how you want things to be in your family in the future.

Xiaoxiong Mon 29-Apr-13 18:52:52

Kerala no it would be out at 28w, back at 31w. But still probably outside the recommendations.

Annie I called to tell them about my pregnancy with DS and got a very bad reaction from my mother. My dad then asked me to email in future so she wouldn't "react in the heat of the moment" and emailing would give her "time to process fully".

babyboomersrock Mon 29-Apr-13 18:56:14

"She won't pick up the phone or respond to texts or emails from me."

Then how can you contemplate spending time with her?

Your priorities at the moment need to be your health, the welfare of your child and of your unborn child. And if she's truly concerned about your health, your mother should understand.

She won't, of course, because this isn't about her anxiety - it's about control. Don't pander to it.

DontmindifIdo Mon 29-Apr-13 18:58:14

I think while airlines will take you, most will ask for a letter from your doctor if you are past 30 weeks to prove you are fit to fly, so you'd have to pay to see a doctor in the states if that's the case while you are there, and if they say no (after a few weeks of your mother raising your blood pressure, they might not!), you'd be stuck there.

I think you are right to stop pandering to her, in fact, I'd try saying to your dad that you are goign to send an e-mail he can show her with your formal excuses for not going, that being of being too far along to fly, but your real reason is you are sick of her sulking and bad behaviour, and you wish he and everyone else would stop enabling her to act in this childish and selfish manner. If he wants you to talk to her, you'll tell her a few words of truth, and she can process those in the heat of the moment if she wants.

Sometimes, families fall into a habit of protecting the 'emotionally fragile' one without thinking about the negative effect on everyone else. Calling htem out on it doesn't tend to change their behaviour, but does show everyone else that they don't have to put up with it either...

Hissy Mon 29-Apr-13 18:59:18

1charlie1 said everything I wanted to say.

Do what is right for YOU.

Your mother is a disgrace, and your DF/B are fools for allowing it.

She had her turn, she has No right to begrudge you yours.

1charlie1 Mon 29-Apr-13 18:59:19

I've just seen your post at 18:52:52. Please forgive me if you think this is a little OTT, but you may find this link helpful: www.daughtersofnarcissisticmothers.com/

thebody Mon 29-Apr-13 19:00:25

I think you need to grow up op( and I mean that nicely) I mean grow up and arrange your own life and holidays. Cut the cord.

Flying heavily pg with a toddler is sheer madness unless you need to.

Your dad is obviously like your brother. Anything for a quiet life and so enabling your mother to rule the roost.

Stay home. Book a nice holiday for the 4 of you later.

Just curious doesn't your dh want a holiday without your parents and brother year after year. Sounds like torture to me.

BasketzatDawn Mon 29-Apr-13 19:02:50

Thing is it's not just about what the relevant airline 'allows' - it isn't really good for you or the baby to fly long haul inlate pregnancy, witha toddler to boot! It doesn't meanayou won't be all fine, it jsut is (statistically) more risky, esp if family dynamics are more stressful too. And possibly not very pleasant.

Anyway, your dad and bro sound a bit clueless about this issue, and maybe jsut don't get this. Long haul in late pg, i mean. It does give you a genuine'get out' though. You could always suggest they, and your mum of course, come to see you and new baby and others - money isn't an issue obvs if your dad has offered ticket money. By next year your baby will be 'out', and things hopefully will have settled with your mother. I know it would disappoint you to not to go to the cabin etc, but maybe it's too much at mo anyway.

This way you are regaining control of a situation your mother has created, you are being the adult. i had similar from both my parents when I announced ds4 was due. Situation was different (geography was less an issue too, distance between Glasgow and Edinburgh grin, bt same worries about health, whether I'd cope, but not talking to me about it). i can't be bothered going inot it all - I'd be here all night!- but I ddi find, for my and the baby's sake, I had to distance myself. i was still friendly and approachable but I made it clear I would make up my own mind what I was prepared to do, for them, with them, etc. My parents di come round - a bit! - after baby was born. DPs boith died after that, i haven't wholly forgiven them, i think, but that's my problemo ... and I can hold my head high and know I didn't do naything wrong.

WildeRumpus Mon 29-Apr-13 19:06:22

Like baby said this is not about anxiety! Being anxious doesn't stop you being kind. Your dm is being very manipulative, and your df is allowing her to treat you like shit. You went against her 'advice' and she is punishing you by showing you how disposable you are to her sad

You seem to realise and I completely agree that it is time to challenge this particular script, for your own sense of self worth and also for how you are seen by your children. How will they react as they grow up, seeing you being treated this way?

Hope you ok op, this must be a hard time for you.

Oh, and why can't they come and see you for this holiday?

GreenEggsAndNichts Mon 29-Apr-13 19:13:17

Go, for your dad's sake. And your own, but that's more so you don't have regrets in the future over not going, iyswim. Yes your dad is enabling her, but presumably he's telling the truth about dying to spend time with his GS.

She's being ridiculous and I would feel the same way you do. I'd probably be a child and being very cool towards her if she's around.

If you don't go, have it be because you'll be very pregnant by that time (can you fly at that point? I forget...)

Xiaoxiong Mon 29-Apr-13 19:30:47

I suppose it's a bit misleading to call it a holiday in the sense that the location can be changed - it's just a summer cabin that's been in the family since my dad was little, so it kind of belongs to everyone. We always moved there (from China, where I grew up) for the month of August as do all the neighbours from various places so it's more like our home away from home (my uncle takes the month of July so no chance of going earlier). It's also where I vote, where my US drivers' licence is registered, etc. In response to your question thebody my DH absolutely adores it and is gutted that we might not go, but he says he will agree with what I want to do as per the consultant's advice.

Interesting that if you ignore the fact that it might not be safe or sensible to go, the thread is pretty evenly divided between whether I'm BU or not smile I thought I was going to get flamed out of here for being childish.

1charlie1 interestingly you're not the first person to send me that link...

YANBU. They are, your mother very obviously but also your father to put the pressure on you to fly at 31 weeks. Of course he wants to see your DS but it isn't fair to expect you to make the trip at that time for all the reasons that have already been said. But your mum sounds like a nightmare....

Callycat Mon 29-Apr-13 20:20:02

Since your dad is dying to see you, invite him to fly to the UK - plenty of nice log cabins up in Scotland, or Cumbria. Frankly, I'd tell your mother to take it or leave it.

Your mother is the one preventing the US holiday happening, not you. Time her behaviour was reflected back to her.

LiegeAndLief Mon 29-Apr-13 20:21:15

Aside from the mother issue, I wouldn't fly to the US at 28 weeks for 3 weeks. Although I might be slightly biased as ds was prem! Yes it's a very small chance you will have a prem baby and be stuck there for months, but for me it wouldn't be worth the risk.

Add in the mother issue - no. I definitely wouldn't be going. I would leave it to her to contact me. And I have a mother who can be a little similar, albeit on a much lower level.

Chunderella Mon 29-Apr-13 20:44:37

Even at 28 weeks a long haul flight will probably be pretty uncomfortable, unless you're absolutely teeny. But you might be massive and could possibly still be somewhat nauseous. You would also presumably be doing the flight with a toddler DS in tow. Could get extremely unpleasant and exhausting.

Dereksmalls Mon 29-Apr-13 21:08:12

My DM is like this, didn't acknowledge with my DB or I. Now, there is no way I'd have gone to the middle of lake to spend time with her but I'd have done it for my DF. Will be keep her views quiet and can you ignore? I find my DCs help, DM gets distracted by them and behaves better

Dereksmalls Mon 29-Apr-13 21:10:55

Read more - your DF shouldn't be pressurising you at 31 weeks. Please don't feel guilty

CheesyPoofs Mon 29-Apr-13 21:11:26

My dad did something similar for the first 4 months of my pregnancy. You have my sympathy OP it's awful to be let down by a parent so monumentally at a very vulnerable time in your life sad

Jengnr Mon 29-Apr-13 21:12:14

I can't believe all these people saying go.

Tell your Dad to come to you - you have no problem with them spending time with your kids but you're not making an effort for someone who won't acknowledge your existence.

I flew to Portugal at 27 weeks and back at 29. I needed a note from the midwife to confirm I was fit to fly on the way back (it also needed to confirm exactly how far gone I was as I was fucking massive). Even though it was a relatively short distance it was shit. I honestly wouldn't recommend you flying to America at 31 weeks. It will be awful.

Give yourself a break, you've done nowt wrong.

Viviennemary Mon 29-Apr-13 21:17:57

It seems your Mum is suffering from extreme anxiety regarding you. She probably can't help it though I understand why you are not happy about it all. YANBU not to want to go on holiday. So just give it a miss if you don't want to go.

Cosydressinggown Mon 29-Apr-13 21:22:39

I think you shouldn't go.

I would call (or e-mail if she really won't come to the phone) and say you don't want to be around someone who isn't prepared to be happy for you and not treat you like dirt. It isn't good for the toddler to witness that behaviour either.

And I wouldn't fly overseas at 31 weeks under any circumstances. You'll have to book flights now and then risk getting a 'fit to fly' letter closer to the time, too.

Xiaoxiong Mon 29-Apr-13 21:25:51

Ok after reading whole thread with DH we have taken advice of many but summed up by dontmindifido - emailed my dad to say not coming for medical reasons but that I am also still disappointed my mother is behaving this way and she needs to talk to me about her anxieties rather than fester.

Thanks so much for all the advice, even from people telling me to suck it up and deal with it grin

Iteotwawki Mon 29-Apr-13 21:32:42

I flew uk->nz at 29 weeks, back at 35.5 (with DS2, DS1 was about 18months when we flew back).

Probably not one of my most brilliant ideas. I wasn't particularly large, hid in an XL shapeless fleece coat and was unbelievably uncomfortable the whole way. People reclining is one thing but when they put their seat back straight into your bump its agony. And when you ask the cabin crew (politely) to either ask them not to recline (which on a LH flight is unreasonable) or to move them somewhere else (which on a fully booked flight is impossible) they snarl a lot and say "it was her choice to fly in that state, she can lump it" (which, to be fair, they do have a point).

Not to mention early labour which can be triggered by pressure changes, exposure to higher atmospheric radiation, the cost of any sort of healthcare in the US if you do go into labour at 30 weeks .... Strongly strongly suggest that regardless of your mother's behaviour (which is shockingly bad) ... I would advise you not to go.

You wouldn't be unreasonable not to go anyway given your mother's attitude. I'd use the pregnancy as an excuse if it were me as it's less emotive but secretly I'd be wanting to say it was her behaviour and that as an adult I didn't have to put up with it.

exexpat Mon 29-Apr-13 21:35:20

Well done, OP, I think you made the right choice. Just hope that this may inspire your mother to think a little about how she is behaving to you. Sadly may be unlikely, though.

suburbophobe Mon 29-Apr-13 22:25:30

The airline said no problem to fly up to 36 weeks.

Well, that may be so, but I went into labour at 36 weeks. No way I would want to be giving birth on an aeroplane!

HansieMom Mon 29-Apr-13 22:43:04

How long is that flight? Nine hours or something? With my second pregnancy, I had achyness in my groin and upper thighs. No way could I or should I have sat for long periods. My son was born at 34 weeks, emergency C section, he was very ill with hyaline membrane disease, in NICU for two weeks. Glad you have decided not to go.

ScrambledSmegs Mon 29-Apr-13 22:46:02

I flew to the east coast of the US at 33 weeks, back at 34. It was not comfortable. The seats were agony, I had to beg a flight attendant to nab a proper pillow from first class so that I could shove it behind my back and have near-decent support.

I wouldn't advise you to do it, especially as you're under consultant-led care. In fact I wouldn't recommend any pregnant woman does it, health issues or not.

ScrambledSmegs Mon 29-Apr-13 22:52:05

Obviously that's heavily pregnant woman and long-haul flights. Quick jaunts when you're 20 weeks or so is absolutely fine!

AnyoneforTurps Mon 29-Apr-13 22:55:56

<i> I have travel insurance which includes US health but don't know if it covers pregnancy and birth </i>

It won't. It may not even cover antenatal complications e.g pre-eclampsia especially after 28 weeks. And, as a regular visitor to the US, you don't need me to tell you that admission to a US intensive care unit (worse case scenario for pre-eclampsia) could cost you millions if you're not insured. Don't do it. It's not worth the risk for a normal vacation (might be different if wedding/last chance to say goodbye to dying relative etc).

Now you are not going, can we go instead? Sounds wonderful.

Weegiemum Mon 29-Apr-13 23:20:57

By the time I got to the end of this thread I see you spoke to your dh and decided no.

I think that's wise. I flew (with 3y6m dd1 and 18m ds) to Vancouver to visit bil and his wife, flying out at 23 weeks and home at 27 weeks. I'd never expect anyone ever to fly long-haul after that stage. It was bearable but uncomfortable, and I needed to walk around a lot, and on the home leg we had lots of turbulence so I couldn't manage it! Awful! Especially needing to pee on a plane - I ended up being allowed to use the cabin crew toilet as I needed so often!

It's hard not to let your mother intimidate you. I can't give advice on dealing with that as I haven't seen my mother since dd2 (the one I was pg with in Canada) was almost a year old - she would have made these kind of demands, and it's been a good decision for me, though good as her and my Dad haven't been together since she left when I was 12 (30 years) and not seeing her meant no bother still seeing my wonderful dad.

Hope it goes ok breaking the news!

Xiaoxiong Mon 29-Apr-13 23:55:03

Turps you're absolutely right and I wouldn't be considering going even at 12 weeks without full pregnancy coverage. I had a 3 day hospital stay in college and it cost something like £3k a day. Insurance covered it but with a 20% copay it was still a bomb.

Exit it is utterly idyllic. I am so sad to think I won't be there and consoling myself that as DS will only be 20 months he won't remember missing out this year. Sure you can take my place - my mum is a fab host and a lovely person to everyone else, and apparently says wonderful things about me behind mg back (!) so no one ever believes me when I tell them the stuff she says to me confused it makes me wonder if I have imagined it. The number of times I've been accused of exaggerating/over dramatising her behaviour....

Xiaoxiong Mon 29-Apr-13 23:58:00

Thanks for all the flying long haul horror stories as well, they are lessening the regret somewhat!!

Also this thread has outed me <waves to lovely real life friend> if you are still reading we can now go on holiday together in August in the UK grin

JohnSnowsTie Tue 30-Apr-13 05:25:31

Sounds like jealousy wrapped up as concern to me, OP. I have a friend who does that whenever someone else has good news. You made the right choice.

Would be interested to know what reaction you get...!

McNewPants2013 Tue 30-Apr-13 06:12:01

I wouldn't go.

I don't give in to my children sulking never mind an adult.

<books tickets>

DontmindifIdo Tue 30-Apr-13 13:04:49

It does sound to me that your mum is very good at making everything about her so your life changes aren't about you, the focus is the effect they have on your mum. Your whole family is geered up for this to be the focus for anything that's happening to them, think about the effect this will have on mum.

I can easily believe she will sing your praises when you aren't there, because then again, your achievements become something she can brag about, it becomes about her again - whereas if you are there, the person who she is talking too would shift their attention directly to you once one of your achievements were mentioned.

Oh and on the travelling front, if they were actually concerned about your health, they'd be asking your Uncle to swap months so it wouldn't involve asking you to fly when you are heavily pregnant - they aren't doing that because they aren't thinking about your wellbeing. Your mum's worry about you is a way to make the focus on how she feels about your pregnancy, not focus on you being pregnant.

Mumsyblouse Tue 30-Apr-13 13:12:59

I can't believe this thread (I mean I do believe it, I just feel sorry for you). If my mum ignored me for one day, I would be upset, three months of sulking about you getting pregnant 'too soon' is outrageous and I wouldn't be speaking to her by the time she deigned to get in touch.

All your family seem to orient around this 'ideal' world, in which you the perfect daugher have children according to their idea of ideal, and holiday in an ideal place every year even though this is a) not actual reality and b) could have been dangerous to your health.

if I were your partner/husband I would be very keen to establish that you are now the family, the decision-makers and your health, happiness is what counts, not theirs (at least in your own small family).

Otherwise, the guilt and the expectations are going to be really heavy over the coming years.

Your mum should be worried you might not speak to her again about being so negative about your pregnancy/impending second grandchild, I would find that hard to forgive myself.

Oldraver Tue 30-Apr-13 14:17:08

OP..My Dad was exactly the same when I was pregnant with DS2, he refused to acknowledge the pregnancy at all. My Mum told me he had said if I came up (I live a couple of hours away from them) when the baby was born we were not welcome in the house. Her solution to this, rather than tell my DF he was being ridiculous, was that I should stay in a hotel, there was no way this was going to happen. He did eventually 'come round' and now is a doting grandfather but it does hurt that he behaved like this, though is the kind of behaviour he goes in for. I have warned my Mum that they came very close to be cut off and I wont tolerate anything like this again.

My Mum does enable my Dad and I do get annoyed that she wont just tell him to grow up, he tends to have hissy fits and tantrums if he doesn't get his own way. He didnt think I should have anymore DC's (health concerns) and gets enraged when people dont follow what he thinks is the correct thing to so. He also tends to think selfishly and bases things on how they would effect him and doesn't factor in anyone elses feelings

Enjoy your August holiday grin

propertyNIGHTmareBEFOREXMAS Tue 30-Apr-13 14:42:12

I think you should just go. Don't let your mum's ad attitude ruin a nice event for everyone else. Be the bigger person. Go and enjoy yourself. You can't control your mum's eh saviour but you can control how you react to it. Don't rise to the drama, show her life goes on happily with or without her mad input.

Xiaoxiong Tue 30-Apr-13 14:53:48

Update! A response from my dad:

"Ok, no worries - your DMum was the one who said to me (unsolicited) that we should get tickets for you to come here in August. She is still on edge about life in general. I think she'll probably come to London sometime in May, and she will want to see you and DS. She will come in peace -- I have no doubt about that. Nothing is festering. Love, DDad"

I can just see what "coming in peace" means - she'll show up here in May as if nothing had ever happened and refuse to discuss anything that's happened over the last few months... and if I push the issue then I'm the one who's breaching the peace, as it were.

Dontmindifido you have some serious insight into her behaviour - I hope it's not because you've come up with lots of people like her before. I've never been able to come up with any reason before why she will big me up to all and sundry and say such mean things to my face but it totally makes sense now.

Thanks again for all input. I guess the question is how much I insist on having it out with her if she shows up in May and whether there is ever any solution. DH thinks she'll never change or discuss her behaviour so I should give up any hope of that happening.

Some things are best brushed under the carpet.

I never thought I would ever say that, but at the grand old age of 53 I finally realise it is true.

<nods sagely>

BlackeyedSusan Tue 30-Apr-13 15:03:23

oh for goodness sake. you do not need to go. the relationship is not healthy.

have you posted on the stately homes thread? go and look it up and ask over there.

GlassofRose Tue 30-Apr-13 15:08:28

Bit nosy, but what on earth are her actual concerns? confused

kerala Tue 30-Apr-13 15:09:06

My friend had a mother like that, only meaner. Eventually when the mother was upsetting her daughter while pregnant with their first baby my friend's DH lost patience (difficult mothers DH and DS were utterly pathetic enablers) rang the awful mother and bollocked her - ending with if she didnt stop upsetting his wife they would never go and see her and she wouldnt see her grandchildren end of. It was marvellous - I had seen my poor friend going through hell with her mother since she was a child. It did work though she was much improved after that. I think she was shocked to be called on her behaviour by a calm reasonable person outside the immediate damaged family.

<waves at Xiaoxiong> you know what I think, so I won't add to the above. Some very wise insights though.

I'm going to hold you to that August holiday, you know wink

Xiaoxiong Tue 30-Apr-13 15:11:21

Susan I'm told them I'm not going and they seem to have accepted that without a murmur which is good.

Exit so is this a situation where if she makes the running and comes to see us in May, you would not push the issue and just let sleeping dogs lie? That's what I'm leaning towards...

DontmindifIdo Tue 30-Apr-13 15:12:56

Yep, my DM can be very similar - she managed to find a way to make my miscarriage last summer all about her...

Anyway, I'd reply to your dad asking if your mum will be apologising for being so rude to you when she comes over in May? A simple short e-mail along those lines might be enough for him to realise you aren't just going to play along with the family focus being all about how you keep mum happy - that other people in the family have a right to have their feelings considered too.

And don't fly in August, it's far too far to go when you're that heavily pregnant, if it was July that would be a different thing, would your family even entertain asking your Uncle if you could swop months at the cabin or would that mean putting someone other than your mum first?

Xiaoxiong Tue 30-Apr-13 15:15:28

Glass she hasn't told me directly as she isn't speaking to me. My dad says she is concerned about my health (had an EMCS in Dec 2011), our finances and our childcare situation as our nanny will be off on mat leave herself. We have dealt with all these issues as best we can at this stage but I can't tell her what we have done to mitigate the problems as...she won't talk to me or pick up the phone. I just have to hope my dad is passing everything on to her.

<waves at Tea, looking forward to a cup of RL tea at the seaside in August> grin

Yep OP. If you can both move on there is no point raking over old coals. Life is too short to try and put everything right.

DontmindifIdo Tue 30-Apr-13 15:25:46

I'd stop telling your dad what you are doing, perhaps say "don't worry, it's sorted." and refuse to discuss how it's sorted.

I've taken to massively reducing the amount of information my mum has, so she can't worry and make drama out of my life. For instance, I'm booked in for an ELCS this time round, she doesn't know. She'll be told afterwards I had a c section, not that it was planned. Otherwise I'll have weeks of drama about it, stuff about how dangerous it is - she'll be telling the world all about it and then I'll hear that someone who knows someone at church ended up with X Y or Z complications and how selfish I am worrying her by taking the risk... We'll all have to spend a lot of time and energy making sure she's happy with the choice I am making about my own body, not anyone making any effort to make sure I'm ok with it.

diddl Tue 30-Apr-13 15:33:10

Sounds as if he' just making excuses.

You're an adult with a toddler & a baby on the way-no point in her worrying about how you're going to cope!

Well, she can worry-but without dragging you into it!

This meet up in August-is that the only chance you get to see your dad?

Sad, but can't be helped.

Maybe he could comeover with your mum?

I know what you mean glass about somethings not being worth the fall out.

But this mother is making it all about her-and you'd think she was doing a fucking great favour by "being in London in May".

Jeez-does she want to see her daughter & GC or not??!!

OP-maybe you need to tell your mother a little less about your lives so that it doesn't distress her so much!

So mothers can't help thinking that daughters aren't just venting & that they don't really want/need their mum to leap into action & sort out every "problem".

diddl Tue 30-Apr-13 15:34:15

glass?
Think I meant Exitblush

Xiaoxiong Tue 30-Apr-13 15:34:43

Dontmind I think you must be a long lost sister of mine.

I've been trying to give her as much info as possible, thinking that would make her less anxious. I sent her many multi-thousand word emails last time explaining why the NHS uses midwives. She told me I was accepting medieval healthcare by not demanding an obstetric consultant for each checkup (!)

So my watchword is now:
- as little info as possible about everything
- if she comes to see us, let sleeping dogs lie.

Oh bless you with your thousand word emails! Did you used to talk together when you were younger?

If you are a sharer of information then it must be difficult to restrain yourself but I think you will have to try.

There are drains and there are radiators. Your mum sounds like a drain.

thebody Tue 30-Apr-13 16:29:18

Op you should be resting and looking after YOU not worrying about your mothered feelings.

You are too nice. Tell her to bugger off. Relax and enjoy your pregnancy.

Eastpoint Tue 30-Apr-13 16:44:28

I am bucking the trend by saying my obstetrician wouldn't let me travel from 12-26 weeks (risk of miscarriage) but I flew transatlantic at 28 weeks returning at 31 without another adult with my 18 month old toddler. I didn't have any problems with insurance or during the flight. My ob/gyn thought the chance of my going into labour mid-flight was very low & that even if I did I was unlikely to have a baby born that fast. I also flew short haul at 36 weeks, no problems & was signed off again by my obstetrician. She was even happy for people to fly at 38/39 weeks if they were well & it was a 2hr flight.

diddl Tue 30-Apr-13 16:54:32

"My dad then asked me to email in future so she wouldn't "react in the heat of the moment" and emailing would give her "time to process fully"."

How ridiculous.

What on earth does that even mean?

The only response needed to "I'm pregnant" is "congratulations".

No time needed to think or "process"hmm

EldritchCleavage Tue 30-Apr-13 16:55:01

Whatever the issue is, I don't think it is anxiety. Anxiety does not turn you into a sulky cowbag.

thebody Tue 30-Apr-13 16:56:44

Your dad and brother spoil her don't they.

What a drama queen.

DontmindifIdo Tue 30-Apr-13 17:02:46

no, people like this, more information gives them more to work with - it also sets up a relationship where you are expected to inform them and seek their approval of what you are doing. Your long e-mails about using midwives, I bet you were trying over and over to justify why this is ok, but the thing is, it doesn't matter what she thinks about your care, as long as you think it's ok. It's feck all to do with her now. You aren't a child, so your medical treatment is none of her business. By telling her all the details, you are giving her (and yourself) the impression it is her business.

Step back - complaints about "medievil healthcare" should be met with a laugh and "oh well, I'm happy and as I'm the pregnant one not you, that's all that matters isn't it?" Repeat every time she tries to say "oh but what about XYZ" - "I'm happy with my healthcare, and you won't change my mind." repeat, repeat, repeat. If she does come over in May, you'll need to do this!

It's hard if you did have a habit of seeking approval and smoothing their emotional stress to stop, but once you start, it's rather nice to know you don't have to worry about their reaction.

sounds like it's a good thing she lives in the us. imagine if she were round the corner! it'd be non-stop stress.

Loa Tue 30-Apr-13 17:12:26

It's hard if you did have a habit of seeking approval and smoothing their emotional stress to stop, but once you start, it's rather nice to know you don't have to worry about their reaction.

Very true though I had to learn to tune out the you never tell us anything moans and the horror when stuff they disapproval of does come out. The shock accompanying our first hb - a non issue in our ours was a memorable occasion.

In fact I haven't had a pg announcement - where some member of my family hasn't had some issue but as DH pointed out if they aren't offering to help us its not really their problem is it so their 'concern' isn't a help.

Years later none of them remember their issues hmm.

awaynboilyurheid Tue 30-Apr-13 17:57:50

my mum was a bitextremely cool about my second and I had a big gap, never asked me once how I was in the 9 months even tho I was extremely sick at times, however she came round once baby born and they get on great now! you just dont know how things will work out in the future so I would go especially for your dad and son, but as others say it might be too late too fly then so bringing it forward might be better but either way I would try to see them.

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