Note: Please bear in mind that whilst this topic does canvass opinions, it is not a fight club. You may disagree with other posters but we do ask you please to stick to our Talk Guidelines and to be civil. We don't allow personal attacks or troll-hunting. Do please report any. Thanks, MNHQ.

Husband demeaning my salary

(148 Posts)
uhura Sun 28-Apr-13 21:16:09

I feel sad - I started a new business 2 years ago after being at home with my kids for almost 10 years and I think its doing really well. I'm earning what I think is a respectable salary whilst still taking the kids to school and picking them up. That was the point of starting the business rather than going back to work as I wanted flexibility.

Unfortunately when I have spoken to my (professional) husband about how well I was doing, he laughed and said is that all you're earning? (or words to that effect - infact the word pathetic was used). I feel really demeaned and can't understand why he is not thrilled for me.

When I got upset I was accused of over-reacting.

Tell me ianbu and that he is a prat please.

hwjm1945 Sun 28-Apr-13 21:17:20

How much are you making?

bunnymother Sun 28-Apr-13 21:18:53

I don't think it matters how much £££ you are actually making - it was mean of him to laugh at your salary and to call it pathetic. Well done for starting something of your own.

Smartieaddict Sun 28-Apr-13 21:19:08

Yes he is a prat! It sounds like you have worked hard and are doing well, a little encouragement is not a lot to ask!

HoHoHoNoYouDont Sun 28-Apr-13 21:19:23

Could he may feel the teensiest bit threatened? After all, you built this business up yourself, you're your own boss etc. Some people can be envious because they wish they could do it too.

SkinnybitchWannabe Sun 28-Apr-13 21:20:09

What a unsupportive knob.

ChasingStaplers Sun 28-Apr-13 21:20:49

Sounds like jealousy to me.

You've made something happen and you're doing it alongside bringing up your children. To be making any sort of money 2 years after starting a business is pretty good going IMO.

PoppyWearer Sun 28-Apr-13 21:21:08

Well done on your business, OP, it sounds like you have the perfect balance,

Tell him if its pathetic you'll need to devote more time to your business to be able to increase your salary. Hence HE will have to do school drop off/pick up and any other running around after the DC, because you won't have time. See how fast he backtracks then. Nob. angry

hwjm1945 Sun 28-Apr-13 21:21:21

Think how much u are making is relevant.if you are making1000 pa then it is pretty pathetic and you may be better doing something else unless there is the prospect of growth

Otheregos Sun 28-Apr-13 21:21:28

He is a Pratt and unreasonable, as long as you are happy in your work and able to make ends much you earn is irrelevant!

WilsonFrickett Sun 28-Apr-13 21:22:14

Is he usually such a twat? Start billing him for childcare hours. That will increase your bottom line.

Bowlersarm Sun 28-Apr-13 21:24:44

Is he always so mean spirited?

YANBU and he is unnecessarily being a prat. I can't even think why he would be like that. Bad day? Doesn't want you to work at all? Jealous you don't have to work outside the home?

uhura Sun 28-Apr-13 21:24:59

I just can't work out why he was so mean.

It may be because he wanted me to earn much more doing my old job (the one from 10 years ago!) and can't understand why I feel that I am still needed at home.

He has clearly forgotten how miserable life was when we both worked full timw and had no time for the kids.

redskyatnight Sun 28-Apr-13 21:26:32

It was not nice of him to laugh at you. However, I know a few mums who've started their own businesses and really earn such a pittance compared to the hours and the effort they put that you have to question whether it is worth it. Was this the point he was trying to make?

I think he's a prat for how he's phrased it, but depending on what you're earning I might be able to see where he's coming from.

hwjm1945 Sun 28-Apr-13 21:28:34

He might want you to earn more so he can downshift a bit and be disappointed that you are not earning much

uhura Sun 28-Apr-13 21:30:07

It's not a pittance - I am earning a good salary - I think its really good. ie well into 40% tax band - for a part time job.

I am so proud of myself but I felt kicked in the teeth by his reaction.

VBisme Sun 28-Apr-13 21:32:03

He sounds quite mean, but I'm surprised your salary was news to him.

hwjm1945 Sun 28-Apr-13 21:34:41

I think if u are earning into top tax bracket and doing all pick ups etc I say well done you.No one could call that pathetic unless they are looking to undermine you or put you down.

So you're actually earning more than 38k a year, before tax, for a part time job? And he thinks that's pathetic?

Then your DH is a prat.

Sounds like you have enough money to LTB then.

Iaintdunnuffink Sun 28-Apr-13 21:38:13

Is a nasty thing to say whatever you're earning.

mercibucket Sun 28-Apr-13 21:43:33

Omg, I thought you meant a few thousand, and was still going to call your dh a prat. I used to make a few thousand on part time work a few hours a week, and dh was really proud and I used it to pay for extra curricular classes eg swimming
But if you earn over 40k part time, he is being even more spiteful and nasty and is trying to undermine you, sorry op sad

Gimmeecoffee Sun 28-Apr-13 21:45:20

Ye he's a prat! My dp runs his own business (very early days)and doesn't earn much yet but I'd never say anything like that to him, infact i have a lot of respect for him because he's working his arse of to build it up.
He just sound envious tbh!

LittleBairn Sun 28-Apr-13 21:46:33

Sounds like your DH is feeling threatened by your earnings so is belittling you to make himself feel better.

maddening Sun 28-Apr-13 21:46:57

what doee your dh earn ft? Let's work out the hourly rate!

ElectricSheep Sun 28-Apr-13 21:47:33

It might be because he is aware that you could LTB. Jealousy/feeling threatened imho.

trianglesaregood Sun 28-Apr-13 21:48:57

He is being mean and rather insensitive. If you have a built up a business from scratch and are making any money from it you are a successful businesswoman. He should be more respectful of your work. Sounds like he's jealous and feeling just a little bit threatened by your success.

trixymalixy Sun 28-Apr-13 21:49:41

Good for you! I'd be proud too. Your DH is a dick.

ChasingStaplers Sun 28-Apr-13 21:50:22

Your husband is an idiot.

Ps - can you let me in on whatever it is you're doing? I could do with a 'pathetic' self employed part time wage like that! grin

Cantbelieveitsnotbutter Sun 28-Apr-13 21:50:24

Wowy sounds like your doing blooming well, especially as its part time & your still doing the kids etc.

trixymalixy Sun 28-Apr-13 21:51:58

Yy. I want to know what you do too!! It sounds like the holy grail to me. Working for yourself part time and a good income.

emsyj Sun 28-Apr-13 21:55:16

I think if you started a new business 2 years ago and you're already able to pay yourself a salary that is into the higher rate tax bracket then that's amazing and you've been incredibly successful. thanks

He is an idiot.

LimeLeaffLizard Sun 28-Apr-13 21:56:30

Yes I'd love that as a part time wage! Tell us what you do!

He was very unkind to you to dismiss your success like that.

bbcessex Sun 28-Apr-13 21:56:40

Hi there, I was trying to see how this comment/ view could have arisen in a non-intention-to-hurt kind of way, but I can't really see it..

How did it actually come up? Were you arguing? had you ridiculed how much he earned / how many hours he had to work to earn it, or was it something like:

You: blimey, DH, do you know that my business is now earning us >£40k per annum.
Him: "Call that worthwhile, that's a pathetic amount"

Any more info?

edwardsmum11 Sun 28-Apr-13 21:57:53

You earn several times more than me and more than household income... he is a knobend

likeitorlumpit Sun 28-Apr-13 21:59:22

hes feeling threatened bless him

fengirl1 Sun 28-Apr-13 22:00:56

So if you added into the mix the child care costs you're saving by working around the children would you be earning more than him? Sounds like he's insecure and being a bit childish. Perhaps you could offer him the chance to be a sahd while you run your business full time....

TheCrackFox Sun 28-Apr-13 22:03:27

You are doing really well with your new business.

He is jealous and feeling threatened. Tell him to do one.

pointythings Sun 28-Apr-13 22:03:27

He's an EA (Envious Arse) and you should not put up with him. Call him on it, and if he doesn't sort himself out then it may be time to LTB.

uhura Sun 28-Apr-13 22:08:57

DH works in a 'prestigious' and very well paid job. I used to as well before I gave it up to bring up our 5 children.

My current business is based at my home and not some swanky city bank with power suits and stupid hours.

But, you very clever ladies, if I add on the childcare that we are saving by me being at home and compare hourly rates (as he works much longer hours) then I think I have a higher hourly rate!

uhura Sun 28-Apr-13 22:13:17

bbcessex - the conversation was really staightforward

me - my business is doing really well and I am really pleased. I am earning ££

husband - is that all. That's really pathetic.

pointythings Sun 28-Apr-13 22:16:59

uhura I had this conversation with my DSIS a few years ago (and we are close). She runs a livery yard and teaches riding. She asked me what I earned, and I told her £x. She looked at me and said she earned more - but that I probably had her beaten on hourly rates, as she works 70+ hours per week and I work 37.5.

Anyway, your 'D'H owes you respect no matter what you earn, and I think that his unwillingness to respect you is a symptom of more serious problems. He needs to man up or fuck off, frankly.

SundaysGirl Sun 28-Apr-13 22:25:44

Thats really nasty. I've never earnt much money as the area I work in is not brilliantly paid but no-one i have ever been romantically involved with has ever laughed at me or made out like what I earnt was pathetic.

I think it's a very belittling thing for him to have said. I wonder if he is threatened and jealous by how well you have done?

LemonsLimes Sun 28-Apr-13 22:26:45

You should be very proud of yourself.

Let us know what your "d"h says when you tell him that once childcare savings are included and you compare hourly rates then you have a higher hourly rate. I think he was pretty unpleasant to you. Is he often like that?

bbcessex Sun 28-Apr-13 22:36:21

Uhura.. I'm sorry to hear that - that's a very sneery comment to make. Not one I'd take lightly I guess. x

Talkinpeace Sun 28-Apr-13 22:39:50

I would suggest you work out your after tax earnings per hour and then compare it with your fragrant husbands .....
suddently the disparity will be a great deal less

Andro Sun 28-Apr-13 23:18:51

It seems to me that the word 'pathetic was appropriate...but aimed at the wrong person!

Offer him some sugar to go with his sour lemons and make it clear that speaking so disrespectfully is not something you will accept.

ThingsThatMakeYouGoHmmmmmmmmm Sun 28-Apr-13 23:19:07


I earn a lot more than my DP.

She,IMO,works a lot harder than me.

I wouldn't dream of sneering at her earnings. YANBU.

Spero Sun 28-Apr-13 23:26:53

If a 'friend' said something like that to me, it would be the end of the friendship if there was no speedy apology and explanation.

I don't know why partners get a 'free pass' to say hurtful crap like this. It is completely unacceptable. He should be on your Team, he should be supportive and proud of you.

If he isn't, you have to ask yourself why. I would seriously question this relationship.

interalia Sun 28-Apr-13 23:32:17

He's a tit. Bet he wishes he made a comfy income while being able to spend time at home rather than slogging it out at a horrid bank. Ha!

Lueji Sun 28-Apr-13 23:38:28

What everyone else is saying.

Plus, I hope you are putting all of your meagre earnings into your own bank account and saving them for when you get fed up of this twat.

BlackeyedSusan Sun 28-Apr-13 23:45:51

he is demeaning your 40% tax band salary....part time? but he only works for someone else and you aare the boss of a sucessful company.

it is not you who is pathetic, it is him.

TheBuskersDog Sun 28-Apr-13 23:49:28

So does your husband look down on everyone who isn't earning a twatty banker's salary?

flatmum Sun 28-Apr-13 23:58:23

add on the full time childcare costs for 5 kids fulltime for 10 years (see the how much do you spend on childcare thread) - your minimum would have been a full time nanny circa 40k a years thats 400k you saved / made. perhaps that brings you up into his stratosphere.

thepig Mon 29-Apr-13 00:13:04

What is the business OP?

Does he usually put you down like this OP? You said you were sad, but nothing about shock. Might be worth weighing up what he brings to your relationship (you clearly aren't dependent on him financially).

KeatsiePie Mon 29-Apr-13 00:17:35

Wth? That's the conversation you had? There's no reason in the world to speak to your partner like that. If he is not normally an asshole, then is it possible that there's something bothering him wrt. work or money and he was taking it out on you?

What did you say? I wouldn't have been able to let a remark like that go.

uhura Mon 29-Apr-13 10:42:10

I was really shocked when he said it and prompted by your replies I spoke to him about it this morning.

I am not pulling my weight financially apparently. It's selfish for me to earn so little when I could go back to the city and earn more. My children don't need me to do the pick ups and I'm am indulging myself.

I am flipping between being devastated and being furious.

I was so proud of myself - I really stretched myself to set up this business, I now employ one other person, I win clients, I do a great job and I am making a professional wage. I do all this whilst still being there for my children and looking after the home and yet he thinks I am being indulgent and selfish.

OhLori Mon 29-Apr-13 10:47:04

Just felt a bit sad reading your original post (not read other responses yet).

Starting a flexible business at home after having children and one that earns a "respectable" income, is no mean feat in my opinion. I think its pretty amazing tbh.

Being a "professional" isn't necessarily that hard either ...

No idea why your DH is mocking you. Have you got any idea why?

Just seen your last post. Can understand your reaction. I don't know what else to say.

Fucking hell, now I'm angry on your behalf! What an utter dick your DH is being!

I would work out, to the penny, how much your DH is bringing home per hour (making sure you subtract any costs of getting to work, buying coffee/lunch when out), and how much you are contributing per hour (making sure you account for the child care for FIVE children!)

Then I'd be telling him that his wage was pathetic in comparrison, and that he was indulgent and selfish by putting his power trip of a career over the needs of his family! Dick! angry

Oh, sorry, YADNBU! smile

skippedtheripeoldmango Mon 29-Apr-13 10:48:38

How spectacularly unsupportive and unkind of him. Is he always like this?

SugarMiceInTheRain Mon 29-Apr-13 10:48:39

Wow! I can't believe he isn't backtracking and instead he is telling you that you aren't pulling your weight!! I'd suggest you casually mention to him that it's a good job you are earning enough to manage fine on your own (and still be around for your children) as you don't need him and his sneering, derogatory attitude.

Loulybelle Mon 29-Apr-13 10:49:06

wow what an arsehole, and a massively jealous one at that.

Loulybelle Mon 29-Apr-13 10:50:35

what sugar says, leaving his sneery, jealous, twatty banker arse would be easy.

OhLori Mon 29-Apr-13 10:51:29

Keep the self-respect you deserve for your fantastic achievements and keep going with that!

But I think another part of you needs to address him. Did you say anything back? Are you scared of him?

Bowlersarm Mon 29-Apr-13 10:52:01

He sounds like a dreadful bully. Stand up for yourself, OP. What sort of relationship do you have normally? What a smug, self-centred arse, belittling your great achievements like that.

Iggi101 Mon 29-Apr-13 10:57:21

What would your five kids say if asked if they actually want you there for pick-ups? If you are really just being "selfish" then presumably you're doing it all for yourself and your dcs don't actually want you there.
Which is imagine is bollocks.
It's good you are so enterprising as will help if you ever do want to go it alone. Or is it that your dh is feeling undermined by your success (no excuse though) - he has to work silly hours perhaps, might not see much of the dcs, and his SAHW is proving she can do it all herself..

anastaisia Mon 29-Apr-13 10:57:36

What sugarmice said - you could manage just fine without him.

You can still feel proud of yourself! Lots of us are amazed at your achievement. My little business doesn't even make enough to need to pay tax after 5 years (Partly a choice about how much effort to put in because I also home educate so don't have school days childfree) but I'm still proud of it!

He sounds horrible (unless this is wildly out of character) and if it was me I think I'd start billing him for all the unpaid work you do in the home and with the children to top up your income.

Mmmnotsure Mon 29-Apr-13 11:07:28

OP - you sound amazing. Your own business working around the needs and happiness of five children! I think your dh needs to get back into the real world. (And I do know it's easy to get sucked in to the city way of thinking.)

Apart from sounding really rather nasty, I am amazed at how smug your dh is being. I know many very highly paid successful city and ex-city people, and you know what - takeovers/mergers/antagonistic new boss/selling businesses or parts of businesses happen all the time. He may not be as secure as he thinks he is (lots of people don't see it coming). Then your own company, employing someone, working around commitments...well, it sounds good, doesn't it?

acceptableinthe80s Mon 29-Apr-13 11:09:06

It's a good job you're running a successful business, at least you won't be reliant on him when you see the light and LTB. Though I imagine you'd get plenty child support with 5 kids.
Does he have any redeeming features at all because he sounds like a total dick.
Oh and I'd stop doing his washing/cooking/cleaning etc for him. Just tell him you have to work more to increase your 'pathetic' salary and suggest he hires and pays for a cleaner/cook etc..It's not like he can't afford it.
Maybe start billing him for childcare too.

Jossysgiants Mon 29-Apr-13 11:14:24

You are incredibly successful. Your Dh sounds thoroughly unpleasant and unsupportive. Is this unusual behaviour for him?

iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii Mon 29-Apr-13 11:15:14 requested. (smile)


and, yes, he is a prat. times a thousand

Mintyy Mon 29-Apr-13 11:15:27

He sounds like a typical high-earning arsehole who has no idea how 95% of the rest of the country live. What a deeply stupid person he must be.

bollockstoit Mon 29-Apr-13 11:16:36

LTB. That's all.

WhiteBirdBlueSky Mon 29-Apr-13 11:20:11

How horrid of him!

CorrieDale Mon 29-Apr-13 11:22:54

Frankly I think you've worked miracles! What is your business? (Barely breaking even with mine so I know that what you've achieved is awesome. Literally. I am in awe.)

Snazzynewyear Mon 29-Apr-13 11:25:43

He's the sort that gives bankers a bad name.

I work in the City and I think he is being a twat.

Ask him this - If you go back full time working long hours etc will he be doing an equal share of covering days off ill, holidays, inset days, school plays, sports days etc.?

After all if he wants you to focus more on a financial contribution then he has to focus more on supporting the children.

DH has his own business and it is great, he has flexibility over school holidays, we can work around children being sick etc.

FrequentFlyerRandomDent Mon 29-Apr-13 11:29:52

Gosh. Poor you.

If sounds as if your DH and you do not share the same values at all any and this incident has highlighted it.

I expect this was not apparent per children but having children did change my perspective on what success entails.

I do value greatly being there for pick up and drop offs. These are important moments to talk about the day ahead/past and address worries, congratulate on achievements, well, just talks really.

It may to help at all, but... Well done, I think you have achieved a work life balance I would love.

tomatoplantproject Mon 29-Apr-13 11:33:38

It sounds like he's an idiot living in a fantasy world. The city is a very strange pace to be right now and anyone who has their wits about them knows that true job security is very rare and that cuts are pretty constant and you never know where the next axe will fall. Areas that were untouchable have been slashed and there are very talented people out there who were reliant on the money to fund their lifestyle who have been left high and dry. AND as he gets older the opportunities for advancement become a lot rarer and the risk of being cut to make way for the next intake become higher. Fact. He may not have that many years left of making the money and then what will he do? There is so much competition for these jobs.

You have done brilliantly - earning £40k plus and employing people after just two years plus taking care of your littlies? You may hold the key there to security for your family in years to come. As a family to have several irons in the fire is sensible. And if you can be making that much now what's the potential earning power of your little company in a few years?

Finally, you put your career on hold to bring up his children. Why is he being so unsupportive of your new money making ventures?

maddening Mon 29-Apr-13 11:34:47

Seriously what does he earn - I think you need to present him with a comparison and also how much you are saving in after school clubs, holiday clubs as well as sick cover etc

What is his net salary
How many hours does he work
What is your salary
How many hours do you work
How much would after school club cost for 5 dc
How much would holiday club cost for 5 dc
How many hours would you need a cleaner pweek including laundry and ironing for a family of 7.
How much would travel to work cost you?

Mumsyblouse Mon 29-Apr-13 11:39:30

I wouldn't present him with a written comparison, I just wouldn't stand for my own husband belittling my career and work, whilst bearing him 5 children. He's taking the piss. I just knew he'd be a City knobhead (not all in the City are such, i hasten to add) when you wrote your original post, I recognise the lack of empathy and the over-inflated sense of self-importance.

I don't think your husband would actually like you to go back to the City and outearn him at all. I would just not have this contempt in my relationship.

Mumsyblouse Mon 29-Apr-13 11:41:18

In case you are wondering, if I had 5 kids and worked a great part-tiime job earning top rate tax payer and he still belittled me and wasn't my supporter, I bloody well would leave him. That's not a joke by the way, there's nothing that upsets me (and I can put up with quite a lot) more than being devalued or considered 'lesser' in some way. He sounds obnoxious.

DontSweatTheSmallStuff Mon 29-Apr-13 11:41:53

What Minty said.

Does he not realise that some families dream about having a whole household income of that much, never mind it being the lower of 2 salaries.

JenaiMorris Mon 29-Apr-13 11:52:30

You need to look into the your rights regarding your home and any other assets, and work out the best way to LTB.

Be careful because if he's this much of a dick he won't be all noblesse oblige with his vast wealth and small penis formidable earning power, he'll be a grasping bastard who'll try and shaft you.

Get yourself to a lawyer.

If you start your own business and you're making a profit then you're doing well in my book. Especially if you're fitting it into school hours around the children. To be into the top tax bracket 2 years in is fabulous - well done you !
My DH could be more encouraging about my work (talk of "proper jobs" etc. not that helpful - anyone would think he'd been listening to Xenia grin) Basically finding work that balances well with family commitments is bound to add to the challenge, and that should be respected, especially by your partner.

Andro Mon 29-Apr-13 11:54:06

I don't think your husband would actually like you to go back to the City and outearn him at all.

Mumsy makes a great point with the above, how would he react to you earning more than him?

Earning a 6 figure salary (I'm guessing that's what your 'D'H is earning) doesn't give you the right to be a jerk/arrogant/vindictive.

morethanpotatoprints Mon 29-Apr-13 11:59:37

I think twat is the word to describe him.

I would frighten him and tell him he is right and you are going to have a whole rethink on how to expand, create more business and run it like a real business with a turnover far exceeding what you have now.
To do this you will need him to share childcare, pick up, drop offs etc. Also point out to him how much easier it will be for you when you don't have to do all that and how he is proof of what its like to have free childcare for 10 years. grin

Saying this sort of stuff when you aren't as a family under any financial pressures (I assume) makes him an arse. It would be more understandable, though still hugely un-helpful, if you were finding it hard to make ends meet as a family. If that were the case then looking together at what changes could be made might be important and sensible. But clearly that's not what's happening here at all.

NameGotLostInCyberspace Mon 29-Apr-13 12:02:13

Change the B in Banker to W. The end.

Dollylucy Mon 29-Apr-13 12:11:56

this is awful, sorry OP
you should be really proud

morethanpotatoprints Mon 29-Apr-13 12:12:49

Hello OP.

Having read all your thread now, there is no way I would stay with this man. You have done absolutely brilliantly just to set up a business after a long term being sahm. On top of that you are making a great salary and an employer, this is really good and awe inspiring to others.
There is no way I would let my dh treat me like this, I would be offski. I do think demeaning you like this is bordering on emotional abuse does he do this in other areas?

Morebiscuitsplease Mon 29-Apr-13 12:15:57

Wow I earn a lot lot less but my husband acknowledges that my jobs fit around the family and he is very supportive. Think I would explain how i feel and show him what your salary pays for as well as setting. Great example to your children. Well done to you, I think that is ace!

LemonsLimes Mon 29-Apr-13 12:23:24

Wow I really thought he would backtrack and apologise when you confronted him. My husband would be so proud of me if i achieved what you have. Sorry OP. sad

stopgap Mon 29-Apr-13 12:33:52

You've achieved what most mothers desire: a well-paid, autonomous job, which allows you to be there for your children.

I wouldn't wish to judge your husband on the basis of one comment, but he sounds horribly snarky and self-involved.

WilsonFrickett Mon 29-Apr-13 12:36:22

shock at your last post. What a twunt.

As a pp has said, one way for you to increase your earning power is for him to do 50% of drop offs, pick ups, sickness cover, etc. It grips my shit when people men like this can't see that their stratopheric earning power is completely enabled by their partners. FFS.

So what do you do now? It sounds to me like either
a) he's under threat of redundancy - which doesn't excuse what he's saying, but explains it, as in if you were both earning the same £, the risk would be spread. (not that I agree with this, I think the risk is spread better when the two people work in different industries) or

b) there is a massive clash of values here about how you want your children to be brought up.

Have you discussed this (primarily his belief that being there for your children is 'selfish') before?

WMittens Mon 29-Apr-13 13:00:18

I imagine it would only be a problem if your self-esteem is tied to your earning - seems to be the case for your husband.

Don't let it bother you, rise above it.

WhiteBirdBlueSky Mon 29-Apr-13 13:08:43

WMittens I'm not sure about that. To me it's a problem because it shows that the DH doesn't value the OPs contribution and values. And that is a bigger problem than how much either of them earns.

MrsMelons Mon 29-Apr-13 13:14:22

Wow - I am shocked. As long as you are not skint and can afford to live in the way you both want I cannot understand the issue he has.

Even if you have had to cut back a bit surely the fact that you have to run a house and look after 5 children means you could never realistic go back into a job like you had before.

Most people I know will never be in the 40% tax bracket (full or part time) in fact no where close, to earn that running your own part time business is amazing and he should be thrilled.

You are not overreacting and it is sad your husband feels like that!

Yes, it's not so much the presenting problem as it were is it ? It's all the underlying stuff that would be so upsetting. Hopefully sounds like you're a very strong woman though OP with lots of resources of all kinds - that should stand you in good stead wherever you want to go from here.

redexpat Mon 29-Apr-13 13:17:24

Let me get this straight. You have 5 children. You hadn't worked for 8 years, you started your own business whilst taking care of school runs and I'm assuming housework too, and two years later you are into the 40% tax bracket on part time hours and employing another person?

Dude. You sound truly incredible. Your husband does not deserve you.

Squitten Mon 29-Apr-13 13:19:07

Your DH is a knob. You sound like you're very successful indeed!

Is he a twat in other respects? Does he do his fair share regarding the kids, etc?

Inertia Mon 29-Apr-13 13:31:40

You are doing fantastically well.

Your DH is an arse- how bloody unsupportive and ungrateful.

You could always up your income by invoicing him for all of the household tasks and child care you provide. He seems to regard only his job as work, and this is clearly not the case.

You could always point out all the ways in which he isn't pulling his weight and being pathetic- child care, household stuff, emotional support , probably sex given everything you've said about him. But you probably won't , because you are a considerate adult rather than a self-important brat with an over-inflated ego.

bbcessex Mon 29-Apr-13 13:38:43

Hmmm.. is this 'usual' type of behaviour for him?
If it is, and he's controlling, unsupportive etc. in general then that's one thing..

But if not, could his 'desire' for you to earn more money be masking some financial problem HE has? Could he be panicking and expressing things badly because his job is under threat (of redundancy etc), has he got in to debt, does he have other financial responsibilities that you don't know about?

Are your children in private education? Is the pressure of 'providing' financially whilst in his eyes you are 'enjoying yourself' for less money than you COULD bring in really making him unhappy..?

uhura Mon 29-Apr-13 13:40:29

Thank you for all your support and affirmation of what I have achieved. It puts it into stark contrast that I am not getting the same at home.

My husband is a good man who works hard to provide for his family but I think that he has lost sight of what it means to be sucessful. I think I need to speak to him about his work as perhaps he has been shielding me from unpleasant truths about his work security.

He, like most men I think, does a bit at home but has no idea how much effort is required keeping the home on track and the children happy. My household role is invisible to him (possibly becasue it isn't paid?) and my paid work can't be important because I could be earning a lot more.

Actually our lives would be miserable if I took a full-time paid role for a city firm and we would probably not be much better off.

quoteunquote Mon 29-Apr-13 13:46:24

You need a three/four week sabbatical/business trip, something work related away.

He can then experience, precisely what it is you are up to as well as running a business (impressive by the way,don't let him rain on it)

It may focus his thinking.

Binkybix Mon 29-Apr-13 13:49:06

Unbelievable. Does he look down on others who 'only' earn in top tax bracket part time too? OP - what you've achieved is incredible, and I would seriously be reevaluating my relationship if I was in your position.

If he is worried about job security I still don't think his behaviour is excusable, maybe a tiny but more understandable. What extra does he think your higher earnings would bring to your lives? Does he want to cut back his own work maybe, and would you be ok with that?

Phineyj Mon 29-Apr-13 13:50:17

You stick to your guns ulura. You are doing brilliantly and self-employment has many advantages, not least the nice boss and the satisfaction of knowing you created your own success. You are a great role model for your children. I am shock at your husband's attitude. Mine is my best cheerleader and much more interested in me/us being happy than what it says on our pay packets.

WMDinthekitchen Mon 29-Apr-13 14:03:38

You run your own business and earn over £40,000 a year from it. Out of the roughly 30 million tax payers in the UK only approx 14% are in that tax bracket. You have five children and don't need any childcare out of school. You are to be congratulated, not put down.

If you earned the same as your "D"H and worked the same hours I think he would find something else to criticise. He sounds like a typical macho/insecure type who cannot be equalled in any way.

I was married to someone like that.

lynniep Mon 29-Apr-13 14:06:38

F*cker. That is all.

GreenEggsAndNichts Mon 29-Apr-13 14:13:26

What a tool. But then, I'm currently a SAHM, my DH is working in a position he enjoys rather than the one which would pay a lot more (he's in academia, but his specialisation is highly paid in the corporate world.) He did this because the hours are better for family life.

When I go back to work, it'll likely be part-time, at least until our DS is older. He's not going to be little forever. Luckily, both of us are on the same page about appreciating our family situation.

You've done so well to build your own business and be clearing such a profit after just 2 years. Considering you have 5 children, the childcare costs you're saving would not be insignificant.

I have nothing else to say but, he sounds like a tool. I'm sorry.

I haven't read the whole thread as I am on lunch break from running my business while my DD naps and I would be livid if my DH said that to me. You have the Holy Grail, a successful business that compliments your family life and provides a good income. Such a shame he cant see what you've achieved and be proud like he should. You sound amazing (and I would love to be nosy and ask what you do!).

uhura Mon 29-Apr-13 16:07:10

My company provides financial analysis and business support to a specific industry sector. I use many of the skills I developed in my old career but in a different context and different sector.

I also love the work that I do now and feel super proud that I am an employer. I didn't use any old contacts - this has all been down to me from scratch.

My company would be much bigger and more profitable if I could work more hours but I have chosen to balance my work with my home commitments. As the children get older my idea was that my work would also grow enabling me to employ more people, spread to other industry sectors.

KeatsiePie Mon 29-Apr-13 16:54:56

Let me get this straight. You have 5 children. You hadn't worked for 8 years, you started your own business whilst taking care of school runs and I'm assuming housework too, and two years later you are into the 40% tax bracket on part time hours and employing another person?

Dude. You sound truly incredible. Your husband does not deserve you.

Just thought you should see that again! I think your plan for having the business grow as the children grow sounds completely sensible. What you've done so far really is, undoubtably, impressive.

I also think you're smart to check if something's going on with him wrt. job security or something, since you say this isn't typical behavior for him.

But after you've sorted out whatever's bothering him, I think you need to make it clear to him how much you do at home. With 5 kids, you do a fucking lot. I don't know the best way to make that obvious to him, b/c I don't think just telling him is going to make it clear, but I also tend to think the common suggestion of going off and leaving him alone to cope for a week is a little silly. Maybe it's not, though. You really, really should not have to feel, ever, that you're not doing enough. With 5 kids and a business at home, I suspect your life would knock me flat!

whois Mon 29-Apr-13 16:56:57

+1 for DH a twat.

£40k+ on part time hours is awesome!

Pilgit Mon 29-Apr-13 16:59:09

If it were me I would be considering stopping doing anything or him and focusing that time on the business. Probably not constructive but my tendency to be a bitch would come storming to the fore! You are amazing!

Oblomov Mon 29-Apr-13 17:04:19

Your dh is a proper twunt. A total idiot. I am being polite.

FriskyMare Mon 29-Apr-13 17:05:28

I work part time and earn about 1/6th of dh's income. He appreciates how hard I work as well as running the home,looking after dc etc. As he puts it, he would have to have a considerable salary increase to cover my pay if I became a SAHM again.

IneedAsockamnesty Mon 29-Apr-13 17:13:17

*Let me get this straight. You have 5 children. You hadn't worked for 8 years, you started your own business whilst taking care of school runs and I'm assuming housework too, and two years later you are into the 40% tax bracket on part time hours and employing another person?

Dude. You sound truly incredible. Your husband does not deserve you*.

^ this again.

He sounds like a giant knobber.

Rosesforrosie Mon 29-Apr-13 17:25:27

Tell me again what this mans redeeming features are?

Wow! What you have done is super impressive, and shows such wisdom about the importance of having some balance in your life.

Clearly your husband doesn't have anything like the same kind of wisdom.

You are doing a great job for your children, yourself and your stupid H. I think the worst part of what you have said is that when he understood you were upset about his comment, he just said you were over-reacting! he was not sad to have upset you. Or if he was, he didn't exactly show it.

He is showing you a remarkable lack of respect and hasn't the sense to see that if he treats you this way, it will do him and the family and your marriage no good at all.

Bloody hell, he should be giving you a medal, if only for having five children! The fact you have started your own business, made it successful and are earning more than many earn in full time jobs is certainly something to be proud of. What a knob he is to be so unsupportive and to spoil your pleasure and pride in what you have done.

I would make a MASSIVE fuss about this attitude of his, and nip it in the bud before it becomes an entrenched way of thinking for him.

Mmmnotsure Mon 29-Apr-13 18:16:01

Congratulations, Uhura, seriously.

You will be a great role model to your children re flexibility, doing different things at different stages of your life, work/life balance, success, independence . . .

I'll stop there.

pigletpower Mon 29-Apr-13 18:24:30

Sorry haven't read all thread-what is your business again? I'm finding it a little unbelievable that you are earning 40 grand part time.

Crinkle77 Mon 29-Apr-13 18:29:25

Do you think he is jealous?

pointythings Mon 29-Apr-13 19:23:30

I suggest you read the thread, piglet - the OP makes it perfectly clear what her business is and why it earns so well. No need to doubt her at all.

pigletpower Mon 29-Apr-13 19:54:14

Sorry! I'm a bugger for not reading threads.

ColinFirthsGirth Mon 29-Apr-13 20:05:16

I think you are amazing OP- you earn a great amount from your own business and are raising 5 children and manage to give them plenty of time! I wouldsay he is definitely jealous of you. Your husband is being a prat and I think what you are doing is great.

NoWayPedro Mon 29-Apr-13 20:18:37

You don't need another poster to confirm how totally unacceptable your DHs comments are.

I will just add we need lots more small business start ups, offering opportunities to others as you have and hopefully more in the future.

GL to you smile

Solaia Mon 29-Apr-13 20:20:49

OP, YANBU. You sound like you have done amazingly well.

This thread is very interesting to me, my DH is not in the City of London, but is in banking in another part of the country. Over the last 7 years he has had a meterioric rise through the ranks so even aged under 30 he holds a senior position and earns 6 figures. He has definitely changed from the student I knew and fell in love with. Years of dealing with vast amounts of money, earning vast amounts of money and only knowing and working with other people who earn vast amounts of money are taking their toll. My DH is becoming much more materialistic and less satisfied with a life we could only once have dreamed of. I earn £40k as a lawyer and while DH is supportive and proud, I do feel it is becoming more forced and less natural as my salary becomes less and less significant. Even though we both work long hours, I find I am expected to run our household and organise our lives - on some level because I earn less.

Sorry if that is long, what I'm trying to clumsily say is - is the DH you know and love in there somewhere? Beneath what he has said to you (which was absolutely horrible) is there something else going on? Are there other layers to this? I'm just wondering - as lovely and kind and supportive my DH is just now, I can picture him thinking (or even saying) something similar in a decade or two. If he did I would probably feel like LTB but I would hopefully manage to separate him from his work and if I could, point out how much he has changed.

Jestrin Mon 29-Apr-13 21:06:14

He is being a prat.

I earn an absolute pittance but my DH has thanked me many a time for earning it just the same.

Mmmnotsure Tue 30-Apr-13 08:32:52

I think actually it can be very difficult if you are in a big job in the finance sector. Ime you are surrounded by people who are phenomenally wealthy, or who earn ridiculous amounts of money. If you work and socialise with these people every day it can screw your opinion of normal. It's insidious, but it happens. I am always very impressed with people who work in this kind of environment for years, but are not sucked in to the money/prestige thing and remain normal and in touch with real life outside work hours.

I'm not defending your dh here, OP. I think he should have been apologising madly if it just slipped out. But if it isn't a one-off, and if he is losing sight of how life is for the majority of people, of how much time, effort and sheer boring hard work it takes to run a house and raise a family - let alone start up a business at the same time - then he probably does need a reality check and some communication with you.

Oh, and what Solaia said.

Littlehousesomewhere Tue 30-Apr-13 08:46:18

So sad to hear how unsupportive he is.

He has really lost touch with the reality of most people lives and salaries if he doesn't respect and admire what you have achieved.

I can't comprehend how he doesn't think that what you have done is amazing.

uhura Tue 30-Apr-13 10:41:12

Thanks to all for the support.

I think he has lost touch with the real world and how it is possible to be doing well without earning huge amounts of money (by creating a happy home, balancing reponsiblilites, setting foundations for the future) and this is most likely because of the toxic environment he has been working in for 20 years.

I now need to work out a way of making him realise this.

WhiteBirdBlueSky Tue 30-Apr-13 11:01:58

Good luck with that!

Would it be any use to show him this thread? or would he be dismissive?

WhiteBirdBlueSky Tue 30-Apr-13 12:55:03

Given that most of the people on this thread are really impressed with the OPs salary, I think he would probable think we're a bunch of losers grin and think less of the OP for taking us seriously.

stopgap Tue 30-Apr-13 13:04:06

And calls of LTB would probably do little to appease him.

I don't know what to suggest. Maybe he needs to do some voluntary work in his spare time. Habitat for Humanity or a soup kitchen. That ought to open his eyes a bit.

WhiteBirdBlueSky Tue 30-Apr-13 14:24:16

He'd probably think that wasn't best use of his skills! Why should be do that when a 'lesser' person could manage to serve food and help the poor? Horses for courses he probably thinks.

Sorry OP, I may be completely misreading the situation and in every other way he's lovely grin.

DreamingOfTheMaldives Tue 30-Apr-13 15:18:59

Your husband sound a real arsehole catch - surely any decent man would be proud that his wife had managed to have the best of both worlds; earning a bloody good salary after only setting the business up 2 years ago AND being around for the children. God, I dream of being able to do this, but sadly it will only ever be a dream. OP, you have achieved what many many parents would love to have.

He sneers at a salary which is well into 40% tax for part time work - me and my certainly no where near 40% tax bracket salary for full time hours are glad we've never met him, he sounds despicable.

shewhowines Tue 30-Apr-13 15:40:40

Success isn't all about money is it. Success is being able to do what you want without any financial worries.

You want a healthy work/life balance whilst earning enough to support a lifestyle acceptable to you. You have achieved this.

His definition of success is different. It is purely financial and includes the material things that financial success brings. BUT with his definition would come - a stressed out wife/ a less smoothly running household /and children that don't come first and whose needs will not be catered for as successfully.

You need a conversation about your different definitions of success and he needs to understand what you actually do, and the impact of you not doing those things, on your household/relationship.

I suggest you going away on holiday for a week on your own and leave him to run your home. - not to punish him but as a trial to see how you all get on.

It boils down to
Would he rather have a miserable wife "pulling her financial weight" or a happy fulfilled wife who is still very successful financially by society's definition?

I bet you feel as if the rug has been pulled out from under your relationship. I suppose it's to his credit that he's never said what he really feels before. Now you have to make him understand 100%, what you feel. He is being unrealistic. YANBU

WhiteBirdBlueSky Tue 30-Apr-13 17:54:15

Ah but a 'happy fulfilled wife' is kind of what he was describing when he said the OP was 'indulging herself' though isn't it?

Going away for a week as a 'trial' for working longer hours sounds nice in theory. Of course at least half of the organising would need to be 'his work' for it to be worthwhile. Surely with five kids you'd need a nanny?

complexnumber Tue 30-Apr-13 17:58:12

I definitely do not think UABU.

But here's a perspective from the 70's:

My dad had a (very) good salary, my mum wanted to go back to work (as a nurse).

Dad's accountant told him that we would be better off if mum did not work.

Dad ignored accountant.

Mum spent decades in a job she loved and became a loved member of our community

thebody Tue 30-Apr-13 18:07:00

He's jealous and threatened op.

Not nice.

Yes, him talking about op 'indulging herself' sounds as though he is resentful, never an attractive emotion. Perhaps he is not as satisfied with his own work/life balance/choice as he wants to be, and he is actually jealous of you, rather than admiring you for achieving it.

JenaiMorris Wed 01-May-13 08:40:03

You are clearly the kind of competent, together person that makes me feel quite inadequate grin

You know that you're good. It must be hard to believe that, having achieved so much, you find yourself with a complete arse for a husband. Only desperate losers have such crap partners, don't they? Sadly that's not - I've seen it so many times (both sexes, fwiw).

Sort it out, lady.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now