To feel uncomfortable about this situation re: my childminder

(98 Posts)
Shizzy Sat 27-Apr-13 15:25:19

My first ever post but don't be gentle please - I need some honest opinions re: this situation as I think I'm just being petty. This is long and not a major, life shattering issue at all but it's bothering me and I respect the opinions (and honesty) of you fellow mumsnetters.

My DD is 20 months. She's been with her CM for about 9 months. The CM looks after her own DD and another little girl both aged approx 2.8 years old. I'll call the other little girl that my CM looks after 'Bella ' to make this easier to explain. Bella's parents are loaded. You know, talking about buying £1million yachts and £2million houses. We're not and neither is the CM but she's obviously impressed by this type of thing. CM and Bella's mum are very pally. I've no problem with that at all but I am slightly perplexed because Bella's mum tried to befriend me a while ago and then went completely cold towards me. I was always polite and relatively friendly with her but didn't jump at striking up a full on friendship with her as between work, my DD, other family and friends I just didn't have time. The three of us went out recently (me, CM and Bella's mum) and I have never felt so awkward in all my life - it was clear that Bella's mum felt I was intruding. It was the CM's idea to do this meet up and believe me, I won't be going to any others! Part of the reason I feel like this is that both the CM and Bella's mum are snotty re: clothes and stuff. Their kids are generally decked out in JoJo, Joules and designer stuff. My DD is in Primark, Matalan and Sainsburys most of the time, generally because I think spending a fortune on kids clothes is pointless when DD grows out of stuff in weeks and comes home covered in paint and food! When my DP and DD came to pick me up after the day out with the CM & Bella's mum, from what I saw, they both glanced at one another and then sneered at something my DD was wearing which yes, was a bit 'common'. They both made pointed comments about said item and I felt like the biggest scummy mummy in the world. Pathetic to be bothered, I know, but I was. I felt judged and more than that, I was upset that they were judging my DD. I'm probably being oversensitive but it bothered me. There have been other comments too in the past about my DD's cheap clothes.

Now, the issue I have is that 3 out of 5 days a week, the CM picks up my DD and takes her to Bella's mum's house to get Bella. BUT, the CM doesn't just pick up Bella and go, instead Bella's mum makes the CM a coffee and breakfast for the kids and they sit around having a chin wag for about an hour. I was never comfortable with this but I'm not one to make a fuss. Now though, I'm feeling increasingly uncomfortable with this and want it to stop. Partly as I feel I'm paying the CM to look after me DD, not sit around with her friend having a chat, and partly as I know that Bella's mum doesn't like me.

AIBU and petty? I think I probably am but I can't shake the feeling in the pit of my stomach that I don't want my DD in the house of someone who clearly doesn't like me 3 mornings out of 5 a week. It just feels weird.

emsyj Sat 27-Apr-13 15:29:23

I don't think I would like my children to be looked after by someone who is snobby and who pokes fun at someone for wearing cheap clothes tbh. I don't think I would care if my CM was taking DD for an hour's coffee and chat with a friend every day, but the general attitude would bother me. I wouldn't like my DDs to be cared for by someone I disliked or couldn't respect, and who didn't like me.

Saddayinspring2 Sat 27-Apr-13 15:30:36

Sounds an uncomfortable and slightly odd situation. Can you look elsewhere for childcare?

moogy1a Sat 27-Apr-13 15:34:18

they both sound quite unpleasant but I assume Bella's mum is nice to your lo? and Bella and your lo are friends. TBH going to meet other people is all part of the CM experience.
Would the going to play at her house bother you if you liked Bella's mum?
Personally I'm mystified as to why the CM encouraged the three of you to socialise. I wouldn't dream of doing that.

quoteunquote Sat 27-Apr-13 15:34:33

Stop leaving your DD with the sneery child minder, find a nice one.

Lora1982 Sat 27-Apr-13 15:35:02

I wouldnt mind her going to her friends house but the way they were being snotty i wouldnt help but think they were sitting there poking fun at what my child was wearing that day while she was inocently playing in a corner.

foslady Sat 27-Apr-13 15:35:43

I wouldn't feel happy about this, it's not the atmosphere I would want for my child, I'd be looking elsewhere too, and I'd mention when I was moving her that she was going to someone who was non judgemental

SayMama Sat 27-Apr-13 15:36:33

What quote said ^^

EllaFitzgerald Sat 27-Apr-13 15:37:09

It sounds like Bella's mum is miffed because you didn't really respond to her attempts to become friends and the cm is trying to keep up with the Jones. All very schoolgirlish.

Do you feel like your DD is picking up on the comments from the adults? Or are the other children picking up on their attitudes and treating your DD any differently? If yes, then I'd have your DD out of there like a shot. If not, then you've got time to find a cm that makes you feel more comfortable. I don't think I'd want to continue using a cm that was judging me or what I dressed my children in. Massively unprofessional.

AmberLeaf Sat 27-Apr-13 15:37:16

I don't think there is a problem with the coffee/breakfast thing, but the two of them sound like shallow arseholes.

I would start looking for alternative childcare.

OutragedFromLeeds Sat 27-Apr-13 15:39:43

Is she a proper registered childminder?

Why is she looking after Bella, if Bella's mum is at home with them?!

Has she actually said anything about your DD's clothes or are you just interpreting looks?

It all sounds a very odd situation.

phantomnamechanger Sat 27-Apr-13 15:41:09

I would not want my child in that set up for sure - it wont be long before she is old enough to pick up on any snide remarks and different treatment that Bella/her mum may show her, or sadly the CM may even start behaving like her new friend

rainbowfeet Sat 27-Apr-13 15:41:53

Gosh, how old are Bella's mum & the CM?? They sound like silly young teenagers, pathetic & childish!! Not to mention shallow! I think I would feel the same as you it must be like being back in the playground with a couple of bullies!! I think if CM is registered & being paid to do her job then for the most part, maybe except for trips to the park etc then she should be doing the child minding in her own home!!! Where the correct checks have been made for the safety & benefit of the children! If this is happening on a very regular basis then yes I would mention it or look for a different CM.

Shizzy Sat 27-Apr-13 15:44:02

Don't get me wrong, the CM is great with my DD and DD loves her. It's more the snobby attitude my CM has towards 'stuff' that gets to me. I could let it go and didn't mind the comments, but since this friendship with Bella's mum has really taken off, I'm paranoid they are judging my DD which makes me want to thump someone, what with DD being my PFB and all that. grin

CM is massively impressed by the big house, designer clothes, yachts, diamond shoes etc etc that Bella's mum has which tbh, I think is a bit pathetic. The fact that Bella's mum clearly dislikes me (I'm common as muck!) makes me uncomfortable as my DD is in her house a lot. It's petty and childish, but I just can't shake the feeling. I'd hate to uproot my DD. I just want a polite way of asking my CM not to stop off for an hour 3 mornings a week.

ProphetOfDoom Sat 27-Apr-13 15:44:33

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NickNacks Sat 27-Apr-13 15:46:48

I actively encourage 'play clothes' at my house. I hate it when a child comes in very expensive clothes and parent has a heart attack when they collect them dirty.

McNewPants2013 Sat 27-Apr-13 15:48:15

Sounds like the childminder needs a new job as bella nanny.

I would start looking for a new childminder.

Shizzy Sat 27-Apr-13 15:49:07

EllaFitzgerald, you're spot on.

They're both about 32. I'm 37. Re: have there actually been any comments, here are a few:

'Oh, your DD's tights ripped. They got caught in the car seat clp. Never mind, they were cheap anyway'

'Oh, your DD's Minnie Mouse coat was a real hit with Bella. She wore it all day and your DD wore her coat. Actually, you should have kept Bella's coat as its Tommy Hillfiger (sp) and your DD's is probably from Sainsburys.'

ppeatfruit Sat 27-Apr-13 15:50:16

Does your DD love her CM and get on with Bella ? Is your CM good with her?? If not I'd find a pleasanter one, it would be more difficult if she was a good CM (though sneery remarks and brown nosing the 'money' sound horrible).

Callthemidlife Sat 27-Apr-13 15:52:21

If you like the CM, you suck it up. You would come across as unhinged if you moaned about CM having a coffee during a pick up.

If you can bear to end CM relationship then do so.

They sound very silly. You sound very sensitive. Neither you nor they will change so all you can do is put up or bow out.

ProphetOfDoom Sat 27-Apr-13 15:53:03

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

marriedinwhiteagain Sat 27-Apr-13 15:53:07

I don't think you can ask the cm to stop off for an hour three mornings a week when she is already doing you a favour by collecting your dd.

I think you need to look beyond the material stuff and think about whether your dd is happy or not and whether she is well cared for in a kind environment. I wouldn't have let anyone who I thought was an inappropriate role model for my children look after them for significant periods of time. If that is what you are unhappy about then find another cm.

Shizzy Sat 27-Apr-13 15:56:05

The comment when both the CM and Bella's mum were there wasn't so obvious. It was the tone. My DD was wearing trainers with a cute dress. Trainers had been bought that day for our holiday and she refused to take them off. The trainers are rather ugly ones but she likes them and they'll be good for when we're away. Plus they were cheap in TK Maxx!

Both glance at trainers. Both glance at one another. Smirk.

CM: 'Oh look. (Long pause, glance at Bella's mum) Your DD is wearing trainers'
Bella's mum: 'Yes. (Long pause, glance back at CM) 'Trainers'

This doesn't do it justice. It was the tones used, the glances at one another. The smirks etc.

My CM is registered and she's great with my DD. Bella's mum is not maternal, needs time to herself and needs to go to the gym hence why she uses my CM. her reasons. Heard her say it myself.

DeckSwabber Sat 27-Apr-13 15:58:34

The point is whether your child is happy and whether the arrangement works well for you in other respects.

You say that the childminder is great with your daughter so I'd leave things as they and just don't get drawn in to the rest.

ppeatfruit Sat 27-Apr-13 15:58:50

Sorrry shizzy I didn't read your recent post. Agree with married

looselegs Sat 27-Apr-13 16:00:38

OMG! How bloody unprofessional!!!

You are NOT being silly-if something is bothering you,then it's a problem no matter how trivial you think it is.
CM needs to remember that it's YOUR cash paying for HER kids clothes!
I'm a CM and behaviour like this is not on.It's appalling! I actually tell parents to never send their children in their best clothes when they come to me, because they certainly won't be their best clothes by the time they go home!
Sounds like you need a new 'minder-see how she likes it when you give her notice!

StuntGirl Sat 27-Apr-13 16:01:18

Good god, what are they, 12?

If you like her and want to keep her I would outright say "I've noticed quite a lot of comments from yourself and Bella's mum on my daughter's clothing. I'd appreciate it if you would both refrain from passing comment".

If you think they will both be creating a snobby atmosphere for your child with their sneering and catty comments, or she doesn't improve after you speak to her, then I would look for alternative arrangements and tell her why.

Longdistance Sat 27-Apr-13 16:03:54

Sack the CM and find another one. That should wipe the smugness off her face.

chickensaladagain Sat 27-Apr-13 16:04:15

It's not very professional of the CM to be socialising with parents anyway IMHO

blurs the lines of what should be a professional relationship

Mondrian Sat 27-Apr-13 16:04:39

I used to have problems with my rich friends, over the years I have come to terms with my feelings and are now great pals.

mummytime Sat 27-Apr-13 16:05:13

I have to say they sound dreadfully "common" to me, no one really posh is that bothered by labels etc. in my experience.

aldiwhore Sat 27-Apr-13 16:07:24

It all sounds like too much pleasure is being mixed with business on your CM's part. She sounds pretty unprofessional.

I would be looking for another CM or a nursery.

You are her client, she should be making you feel completely at ease, not judging you, sneering at you and arse licking her richer client.

Try not to get drawn into judging the richer woman, you don't need any reason at all to use a CM, any reason is valid. Your CM is at fault here.

Don't get pally with her again, don't go on meals out, she's not your friend she is a business so keep the business relationship going (and you can still be pleasant and polite) but nip the out of business contact in the bud.

So that I don't come across as blaming the CM entirely, it could be that she finds the rich client hard work, hence inviting you to the meal also??

I'd still be distancing myself from anything that was more friendship than business.

MrBloomsBloomers Sat 27-Apr-13 16:07:57

I'd be wondering how long it would be before dd overheard one of these comments and understood what they were saying and would be finding a new childminder.

pinkyredrose Sat 27-Apr-13 16:08:26

What a pair of hideous bitches!

Flisspaps Sat 27-Apr-13 16:09:32

Find a childminder who acts professionally. Give notice to your current childminder.

Shizzy Sat 27-Apr-13 16:11:45

Married, DeckSwabber, CalltheMidwife, I think you're all right. I'm just being oversensitive. My DD is happy there and loves my CM and the two kids she's with. It's just that little bit of me that is worried they are slagging me off or judging my DD in her hearing when I'm not there to defend her/me that bothers me. I need to get over that. My CM is contracted to do pick ups and drop offs and she's also contracted 7am - 7pm if I need her. Where else am I going to find such a great situation again with a CM that does clearly care for my DD and looks after her well.

Bella and your CM behave like playground bullies. They are targeting your child, to get to you. angry

You would be an utter mug to pay this woman money to belittle and disrespect your daughter.

Can you find another CM? If I were you I would give notice. And I would let the CM know why. She is being an utter cow.

JerseySpud Sat 27-Apr-13 16:12:51

In all fairness the CM shouldn't be socialising with clients. No chance. She is there to do a job, it sounds like shes desperate to be like Bella's mum.

I would look around for another CM asap if it were me.

Regardless of how good the CM is it's only a matter of time before your DD picks up on it. I would be making alternative childcare arrangements asap.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ShipwreckedAndComatose Sat 27-Apr-13 16:14:37

I don't like the sound of this at all!!

I'd be ditching her too, tbh.

She is your employee and should not be trying to make you feel like shit and as though you are in the playground again!

5318008 Sat 27-Apr-13 16:20:33

um CMs are not employees, they offer a paid for service <sorry for picking up on this>

Well I think you should look for a new childminder, the pair of them sound a but horrid really

MmeThenardier Sat 27-Apr-13 16:21:01

I don't mind her going for a coffee sounds quite pleasant for the children, a change of scenery etc.

I find the idea of you all going out together a bit strange.

I don't like the comments they've made. As much as anything they sound really odd. The trainers thing... doesn't even make sense. SO what? A child in trainers! What is there to say?

It sounds like you're quietly seething at their labels/clothing comments. Is it time to make your feelings known? Have some replies ready like

"Are trainers a problem whats so surprising about them?"

"I really don't think dd cares where her coat is from"

"I'm not really into labels tbh. I wouldn't dream of spending so much on a child who'll outgrow it in a week"

"Oh Im not into all that designer stuff I'm afraid you're Tommy Hilfiger jacket would be wasted on me"

They don't sound very nice. I wouldn't want to leave my child with this CM. Wouldn't want any of it rubbing off.

mrspaddy Sat 27-Apr-13 16:23:18

Dear OP, I would get out of this situation. . take your time though and bite your tongue. Never let the real reason you are changing CM out of the bag.. I wouldn't give them the satisfaction. There is absolutely nothing wrong in the where your children's outfits come from. I guarantee your CM will tire of Bella's mother.. she sounds more down to earth than her and it's hard work to keep up with someone like this. Ultimately this little niggle every time you collect your daughter will mount up and eat at your confidence. I know a woman who buys Tesco clothes for her children one or years ahead so her neighbours won't know. What a sad way to live. She remarks at everyone else's clothing yet she is happy enough for her children to be in Tesco.. anyway.. I don't have much to do with her..life is too short x

ThePlatypusAlwaysTriumphs Sat 27-Apr-13 16:26:37

I would hate this- not surprised it bothers you! I actually really hate expensive designer clothes on little children- it makes me feel uncomfortable, like they are little trophies to be shown off, and as though the way they look is all-important. Far prefer to see happy-go-lucky kids in grubby "who-cares" gear. A cm with this kind of materialistic/ snooty outlook would be an absolute deal-breaker for me. Someone who would judge a 3 yo on their outfit does not sound like a warm, loving person!!

I'd definitely be looking for someone else.

KittyLane1 Sat 27-Apr-13 16:27:07

YANBU, the CM will be a lot less snooty when she stops getting an income from your cash. I would look for another child minder.

Footface Sat 27-Apr-13 16:35:16

I would worry that dd was picking up on the negativity when at bella's house, and whether this extended to care if your dd

SwishSwoshSwoosh Sat 27-Apr-13 16:37:03

I would move if it were my child, horrible attitudes really. Young children really shoud be free of any petty worries about clothes etc.

Seriously, move her.

She will like a new, kinder cm even more potentially.

ENormaSnob Sat 27-Apr-13 16:38:55

I would look for another cm tbh.

The socialising/coffee mornings wouldn't bother me.

The sneering, judging and commenting on your dds clothes would bother me hugely.

Set of bastards.

ShipwreckedAndComatose Sat 27-Apr-13 16:40:35

Fair point 5318008

I'll reword to say that she is offering a service to the op...and at present, this service isn't good enough. I'd be worried too about dd picking up on these signals.

DoctorAnge Sat 27-Apr-13 16:40:56

Get your daughter out of this negative environment.

ProphetOfDoom Sat 27-Apr-13 16:43:45

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ladythatlunches Sat 27-Apr-13 16:49:47

My kids get most of there stuff from asda the girls clothes in that at the minute are gorgeous.

Some of that designer stuff doesn't even look nice.

One of my friends always has the latest stuff etc and my dd's always have there'cheap' stuff on because 1. I wouldn't take them out to play in expensive stuff and 2. They still look gorgeous.

As long as you and dd are happy with her clothes just ignore the pettiness .. they are obviously just wrapped up in each other and cm trying to stay in bellas mums good books and agreeing.

If your cm has beeibg child minding for a while im sure bella is prob the only one kitted out in expensive stuff to play in.

zeeboo Sat 27-Apr-13 16:49:51

I'd remove my daughter and probably tell Ofsted why I did as they like to receive references from parents.
She is clearly far too immature to be in the position of caring for your child. I see my CM socially but on work days she is 100% professional and would never take the kids to someone's house without asking me and then sit there glugging coffee and gossiping nor would she stand for anyone making personal comments about the children's clothes let alone do it herself.

BuggedByJake Sat 27-Apr-13 16:50:04

There is no way I would be leaving my child with anyone that makes negative comments about something as irrelevant as what clothes they are wearing. It's going to do nothing for her confidence & is just plain bitchy.

DeepRedBetty Sat 27-Apr-13 16:50:18

If you feel uncomfortable then there's a problem. From what you describe, CM is starstruck by this 'footballer's wife' type. But this type of Designer Label obsessed shallow mindset will subtly start to get through to your dd, sooner or later, so start CM hunting now.

I'd look into the legalities of taking the child outside of the CM home.

My neighbour is a CM and I know that she had to have homechecks for safety, put up fencing to the required height, safety features before she could have any mindees.

The CM is taking your DD to another house for an hour+ three times a week.
Is she allowed to do this within her contract??

I know CM takes their mindees out to school for drop off/pick ups if the older children go.
Or shops etc.

(No ideas about the Law/Regulations but I'd be narked)

thebody Sat 27-Apr-13 16:53:19

Hi op, I was a cm and only now after closing my setting have I added the parents in Facebook and socialised with them.

For me it would be unprofessional to socialise with them as we had a professional working relationship.

Your cm sounds a tad childish.

However you also seem to seek their approval for some strange reason. Both the cms and bellas. Why? The cm isn't a friend, she's providing a service for your dd and from what you say she's good at her job and your dd likes her.

This snob thing is obviously silly but your dd won't even remember her cm at the end of the day so won't be massively influenced.

I would stop worrying, drop and run, pick up and run and don't engage in personal chat, keep it professional.

It's quite usual for a cm to socialise with other adults and children as its good for the children. As long as she putts dd first thats all that matters.

ThingsThatMakeYouGoHmmmmmmmmm Sat 27-Apr-13 16:54:29

Perhaps a classic mumsnetty "Did you really mean to be so rude...." grin

thebody Sat 27-Apr-13 16:55:31

Btw regarding cms taking children to other places apart from her house of course they can.

No cm would accept a contract that just kept the child at her setting as that would be detrimental to the child's welfare.

notfluffy Sat 27-Apr-13 16:57:47

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

goodmum123 Sat 27-Apr-13 17:01:00

I'm feeling very sad reading this op, for you and your little girl. You do not deserve this! Report to ofsted, this is despicable behaviour and brings tears to my eyes. Your little girl cannot defend herself and if they are being like that when you are there, then please just imagine when you are not, and especially at bella's house. Do what you deep down know is right or you wouldn't have written The post asking advive. It is cruel and (prob being over the top) emotionally abusive, if your little girl picks up on it. I work in early years and if this was reported to me I would be taking the matter further, this cm
Is trusted, has a crb Etc yet treats your daughter like this? She has to follow the eyfs yet clearly isn't. Sorry for going in but if it was my innocent little girl I would be heartbroken x

MammaTJ Sat 27-Apr-13 17:11:20

I would be removing my child as soon as alternative child care could be sorted.

If they are making little remarks like that when you are there, then what on earth are they saying when you are not? That would be what would worry me. Your DD may not have picked up on it yet, but she soon will. That would not be pleasant for her. Her CM is meant to be nurturing her, not putting her, or her clothing down.

brainonastick Sat 27-Apr-13 17:16:29

Basically, would you want your cm's attitudes and values to rub off on your dd? No? Then you need a new cm whom you respect and trust to help raise your child.

thebody Sat 27-Apr-13 17:19:32

Ofsted wouldn't be interested. I work in early years too.

Regarding rich cms? Some cms earn a great deal to be honest. See the cm section on mumsnet. My setting was very lucrative.

I think your cm is unprofessional and a bit silly but then the op does seem a bit defensive.

At the end of the day it's how seriously you take this type of silliness really. Only the op knows if this is really enough grounds to move her dd.

PurpleCrazyHorse Sat 27-Apr-13 17:20:22

I'd be quite upset about the comments if our CM did this and I'd definitely look at an alternate setting for DD. Our DD wears a right mix of clothes, branded (2nd hand!) or supermarket. She's 3.5yo and now likes to dress herself, which does result in some random combinations. My CM might smile at us if DD has clearly got a strange combination on and I give her a bag of alternative matching clothes she might like to slowly substitute grin but it's a loving, parental smile, not a rolling of the eyes making fun at DD smile.

I also would be a bit concerned about insurance etc if my CM was regularly minding DD at someone elses house. I pay her to mind DD and I've also decided that her house is suitable (clean, tidy, no dangerous animals etc), what if friends house is a tip, building site, has an unsuitable pet, posh friend or others in her house might not be CRB checked. This is everything that I pay my CM money for.

There are lots of lovely settings out there, so get viewing and find someone else smile

ChunkyPickle Sat 27-Apr-13 17:21:13

I would be looking elsewhere really too...

TBH, DS generally wears second hand stuff as I even begrudge paying Sainsburies/Asda prices for clothes he once grew out of so quickly, and now gets stained and filthy and full of holes given half a chance!

My Childminder also has a couple of loaded kids, dressed beautifully and expensively, but I've never, ever, ever had any kind of sneering from her or any of the other parents - like others she prefers that the kids are in clothes that don't matter too much in case of mess, and the other parents are just other parents with their own lives to get on with, who couldn't care less what my child is wearing.

mombie Sat 27-Apr-13 17:26:18

This sounds so horrible. I would hate to leave my dc with someone who.judged and compared them. From what you say she probably favours Bella. What will this judging and favouring do to your dd?

when I worked, my dd was looked after by a family member, who also looked after another dc. the other dc was constantly picking on my dd, and the family member wouldnt do anything because the other dc's mum was always around. My dd became very clingy, always looking for reassurance. I went with her once and told her to shout 'No, I dont have to do anything I dont want to do, because my mummy said so!' at said child. They all got the hint. I digress, but the point I am making is the judgement and favouritism by adults can have a horrible effect on little minds. Especially when it is from a person who should be caring and supporting them.

presumably the childminders house had to be signed off as safe for her to carry out her business in? If she is then spending some of her paid employment at another house then it would need to be signed off too?

If you want to keep her as a childminder, I'd maybe mention something you'd read about that not being allowed.

Samnella Sat 27-Apr-13 17:32:58

YANBU.

I would find someone else.

IME, any doubts or niggles about childcare need to be dealt with and sometimes that means finding elsewhere I have been using childcare for 7 years and have removed my children on 3 occasions for various reasons: CM having too many children (under 5's) which impacted my sons needs, CM not keeping children in her care safe and a nursery where I heard a member of staff yelling at the children hmm . I would be wondering how they were treating my DC if they were like that.

Hissy Sat 27-Apr-13 17:34:13

"Don't get me wrong, the CM is great with my DD and DD loves her. It's more the snobby attitude my CM has towards 'stuff' that gets to me."

Your CM is not great with your DD, and NO, she doesn't love her, you are just telling yourself that to make yourself feel better about leaving her there.

Thing is, you don't know what a good CM is. MY CM practically tore the head off politely pointed out to a bitchy CM who sneered at my son, that he was lovely and what was her problem.

I LOVE my CM, my CM LOVES my boy and has shown that she will defend him to ANYONE. THAT is a decent CM. That is what makes a CM a GREAT CM. Your CM is a nasty bitch, pure and simple.

Get your DD OUT of that highly toxic environment, before she actually picks up on it.

publicserviceannouncement Sat 27-Apr-13 17:35:43

"Where else am I going to find such a great situation again with a CM that does clearly care for my DD and looks after her well."

This might be a good start www.childcare.co.uk

I wouldn't leave my DC with someone with the kind of attitudes that she has, it might rub off on your DD and your DD might believing in this kind of shallow nonsense.

Or, she might pick up on the fact that the CM and Bella's mum think her clothes are not up to scratch and that might affect her self-image. You've only hear what they're comfortable saying when you're are around. What do they say when you're not there? The environment is just too poisonous IMO, you should stand up for her and yourself and get her out of there IMO.

Hissy Sat 27-Apr-13 17:37:31

One more thing...

It's one thing that you have your DD in a situation where she will become aware that she's inferior to her peers... BUT you are being made to feel this way too! By someone you bloody well PAY FGS. she is YOUR employee to all intents and purposes. You are not doing HER a favour, nor is she doing you one.

Someone told me today that we can forget unpleasant words and deeds done to us, but we don't forget how they make us FEEL.

Get yourself a new CM. ASAP, and flaming well tell her exactly why too! That SHE is not good enough a CM to look after your child and that sneering at little ones is disgusting.

You want ME to tell her?, just say the word, I will! (((HUG)))

seriouscakeeater Sat 27-Apr-13 17:38:31

Agree with zeeboo
Cm sounds v immature. Remove dd, report to ofstead. Going round to your friends having a chin wag isn't what she is getting paid for. Judging babes at that age is hidious.

thebody Sat 27-Apr-13 17:40:52

CMS ARE NOT EMPLOYEES.

They are SELF EMPLOYED.

Please get this right people.

Hissy Sat 27-Apr-13 17:50:51

CM are paid to mind our children.

We employ their services.

If they are not good enough, we find others.

Good ones are ones to keep, the one described here, shouldn't be in business to be honest.

Saddayinspring2 Sat 27-Apr-13 17:59:21

They are self employed rather than employed by a nursery etc... Don't see what difference that makes to their professional standards.
Anyone who works freelance is self employed from cleaners to gardeners to tree surgeons.

MrBloomsBloomers Sat 27-Apr-13 18:03:24

Is it hard to become registered as a childminder? A lot of donuts seem to slip through the cracks. It makes me nervous.

Shizzy Sat 27-Apr-13 18:06:08

Thanks for all your comments. Keep them coming! I'm swaying from thinking I'm being oversensitive and silly to agreeing with those of you that are saying that they shouldn't be judging my child re: materialistic things. On the latter point, that's what's really bothering me deep down I think and why I wanted to ask for these coffee mornings to stop. I mean, are they saying anything behind my back in her earshot? Will she begin to feel inferior? I hate not being there to defend her. But I shouldn't have to should I? I should trust my CM implicitly not to be inappropriate around my child. Time to look into alternative child care I think. I'll reply to any unanswered questions when my DD is in bed as she's currently clamouring for my attention. Thanks again for all your comments.

aldiwhore Sat 27-Apr-13 18:08:26

My DH is self employed. Those he works for are his clients. He still works for THEM when they require his services and he has high standards because he's not a self righteous git who thinks that just because he has no 'boss' he can do what he likes. He is PROFESSIONAL.

Why a CM should be any different I don't know.

Actually, most if not all Cm's have a good business attitude.

It is lovely when you make a friend via your business, there's nothing wrong with that, nothing wrong with a client becoming best friend if clear lines are drawn.

Sounds to me, and this may be generalised and sweeping, that your CM is a wannabe neverbe, and the 'rich' lady is a twat. (Nothing to do with wealth at all, more attitude). If your only mate is your CM, well, it's not a lot to aspire to is it? Rich, poor or otherwise.

Can you imagine dropping your child off at school and having teachers 'tut tut' openly over choice of clothes etc.? No one would stand for that as it's utterly unprofessional, so don't put up with it outside school.

aldiwhore Sat 27-Apr-13 18:12:17

Shizzy Given what vyou've posted, I would say it's a pretty safe bet to assume that they're saying ALL SORTS OF shit behind your back!! smile

And you know, that's actually okay. I'm sure there are a few teachers who, over a pint, will bitch and giggle and roll their eyes at some of my choices. I don't care. The reason I don't care is because they are professionalo enough for me never to have even the slightest suspicion that it spills into the classroom. Because, whatever they may think of me, there's respect, and if nothing else, they are professional.

Hindsight is great though. I only recently realised how shit the first setting I placed my first born in was (he's nine now!!).

Saddayinspring2 Sat 27-Apr-13 18:14:32

Technically cams aren't self employed in the sense of they have to work for someone else.. ie parents.
If you have your own business and employ others then you are not reliant on others for your employment.
cm courses are just about six weeks long including some safety training, home assessment and hygiene etc.

marriedinwhiteagain Sat 27-Apr-13 18:21:57

OP - I don't think it matters a jot what your dd wears - ours wore George, Oxfam and Primarni to bed when they were little. One still doesn't give a hoot what she wears (15) but one is slightly more discerning (18). Both are grounded and indy. Personally I buy from Per Una, Next, maybe something much smarter for special occasions.

We are loaded as are most of the folk we mix with - and not meant as a stealth boast. Nobody gives a monkey's arse to be fair. I would have a problem with my dc mixing with those who did and have many a time done a rofl at the school gates with a title when coming across someone who does --more a stuupid wooman than a silly cah tbf blush. Be yourself; teach your dd to be herself and if a pair of parvenus don't like it stuff 'em. grin

CarpeVinum Sat 27-Apr-13 18:46:32

I wouldn't leave my son in that situation, even if he seemed happy and I didn't believe he was being actually neglected in some way. Money, epsecially lots of it, causes a power imbalance if somebody gets their head turned. Overtly or covertly over time your daughter's wants and needs may slip slightly down the ladder of priorities so Bella's mum is kept happy.

I need to know that anybody who is taking care of my child doesn't have a motivation to sub conciously or consiously pick sides in toddler fisticuffs, minimise somebody elses's not so acceptable behavir towards my own, and always decide in one kid's favour if there is a tussle over a single, but jointly prefered, biscuit.

All little things, not big scary stuff. But I wouldn't want my child over time maybe realising they are being treated slightly differently, even if they are not of an age where they can work out that wealth is at the root and learn to confuse a large bank balance with the value of a person.

I think the above would be much much more of a concern to me than say a few too many episodes of telly tubbies or a grandma sneaking a bit of extra choccie into grandchild.

If there were a lot more kids I think the effect would be diluted. But there is the child whose mum hold sway, the CM's kid, and yours. Which puts your girl at the bottom of a very small heap. And at some point she might notice a hierarchy. But even if she didn't I wouldn't be keen on paying for a situation that is primed to allow that to happen.

I do not think you are being over sensitive, I think your instincts that this is off and puts a question mark over how happy you are with your CM are on the money.

Flisspaps Sat 27-Apr-13 18:49:24

sadday that, frankly, is nonsense. Childminders are self employed. There's no 'technically' about it hmm
All self employed people 'work' for others - eg plumbers, electricians, tutors. CMs are NOT employed, if you don't like the service they offer you go elsewhere. You don't have the right to tell them to stay home, not visit people or to 'sack' them. You cam terminate a contract but sacking is what you do to an employee. If you want an employee you need a nanny, and you need to do the tax, NI, holiday pay, sick pay and whatever else that you don't need to do with a CM.

jersey there's no reason why childminders shouldn't socialise with clients, most of my clients were friends first and one was my sister. Business was separate from the friendship.

Others - no, the friends house won't need to be Ofsted approved. A CM should ensure that anywhere he/she takes minded children is safe, and risk assess as appropriate. Otherwise, all shops, zoos, libraries, playgrounds and so on would have to be Ofsted approved.

Saddayinspring2 Sat 27-Apr-13 18:56:16

Fair enough

morethanpotatoprints Sat 27-Apr-13 19:02:13

Hello OP

I would seriously look elsewhere for childcare and when found make sure you sack your present cm good and proper. Never have I heard of anything so unprofessional. You are her customer, she works for you. grin I am gob smacked and stunned at this and whilst not using childcare myself know that none of my family or friends would put up with this.
You are not a scummy mummy they are completely up themselves. I would also tell her that you will be telling everyone you meet to avoid her services and don't ever give her a reference, snobby cow.

DoubleLifeIsALifeHalved Sat 27-Apr-13 20:25:27

Utterly unprofessional and I think you are right to be worried. No reason to stick it put when you are not getting a professional standard of service. Find a new & better one, then dump the awful one and never think about her again!

BABaracus Sat 27-Apr-13 21:38:03

OP - I'm shocked by your CM's attitude. Please do look for alternative childcare, for your daughter's sake.

Shizzy, my eldest dd is 12 now, but from the age of 9 months she was left with a CM who appears to be the twin of yours. The situation developed exactly as you describe, even down to her disapproval of DD's clothes if too cheap, the wealthy friend etc. I was uncomfortable, but my DH was insistent it was convenient (suited him) etc and DD did seem to be very fond of her. I remember one day handing DD over and the CM making a few nasty comments and I stood there thinking I need to take DD and go home, and "D"H shouting COME ON I'M GOING TO BE LATE, I knew it was wrong but I left DD there and went to work.

After that her attitude got worse - she demanded paid time off, would often let me down - one day I had some errands to run so still let DD go there even though I had a day off, and she then said well if you can have days off when you feel like it so can I etc.

Can you see the way it was going? She even said we were not allowed to pick up DD early without giving her notice. We were never to knock on her door without telephoning her first to see if it was convenient - it was her most important rule.

Looking back it seems CM "chose" me because she thought I was vulnerable, no family, not very confident (she always used to say "oh I'm interviewing people tomorrow see if I like the look of them" re new families coming to see her). I think she looked for people she could manipulate.

I can't tell you how it ended, I mean it ended very badly, but I simply don't talk about it. I never forgave myself, it was a sliding doors moment for me, letting DD go there after that day when I thought I should take her home.

Get a new childminder. Give her notice on Monday.

rainbowfeet Sat 27-Apr-13 22:10:47

Bella's mum sounds like a typical bully!! Trying to make herself feel better by putting you down!! The way you describe her I reckon she is jealous of you & not particularly happy in her own life!!! Maybe she feels the need to buy her dd designer clothes because she feels guilty about not being so close to her!! Bet she'd rather be less uptight & more down on the floor type playing, singing songs, cake baking mum!!! I don't think you're being over sensitive at all, those things she has said would hurt me too!! I'd just hope one day I'd cut her down with a great come back line!!

kawliga Sun 28-Apr-13 00:07:03

Burning bridges thank you for sharing that. I have had a sliding doors moment like that too, where I sat in the car and cried after dropping dd off and thought I should go back and get her, but I had to go to work so in the end I drove off. Your post brought back some strong emotions.

OP, trust your instincts and don't be afraid that you're overreacting.

raisah Sun 28-Apr-13 05:04:53

Change your cm, you need to feel comfortable whilst at work that your dd is being cared for. Your cm will soon get a reality check (& a drop in income) once you changr your childcare arrangements. Completely unprofessional behaviour.

pigletmania Sun 28-Apr-13 09:38:23

I would most certainly look fr another CM she des not sound very professional. I am sure your dd will get used to a new own

differentnameforthis Sun 28-Apr-13 10:11:24

How can anyone have a childs best interests at heart when they make veiled judgements about what that child is wearing? She is very rude to even be discusssing ANYTHING regarding your dd with another mum, tbh. Id sack her judgemental arse. Don't forget she works for you!

publicserviceannouncement Sun 28-Apr-13 11:12:26

" I should trust my CM implicitly not to be inappropriate around my child. "

Absolutely, and I think it's clear you can't trust this one, sadly.

ll31 Sun 28-Apr-13 11:22:06

Would change cm . Don't underestimate how much your cd may be picking up. She may well begin picking up on fact that everyone at cm thinks her clothes and maybe her aren't as nice as others.

ll31 Sun 28-Apr-13 11:22:39

Your dd not cd!

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