To be disappointed with my friend?

(68 Posts)
cinnamonbun Sat 27-Apr-13 11:45:08

End of Feb a friend of mine called to tell me her BF had proposed and they were getting married in two months' time. She told me children weren't really invited but she'd make an exception for DH and I (who have a DD aged 4) as a) we're not from this country and have no family here and b) the wedding's about a 5-hour train journey away so we'd struggle to find childcare.

Anyway, we received the invitation in the post about 3 weeks later and RSVPd saying the 3 of us would come. Then she called me to say our DD couldn't come after all and had we already booked flights/accommodation? (We had.) In the end, we decided to compromise and only go to the church service and not the reception but I still feel quite annoyed that she uninvited our DD after initially telling me she could come and we'd already spent quite a lot of money on train fares and accommodation. AIBU?

BasilBabyEater Sat 27-Apr-13 11:46:06

No I don't think you are.

Thoughtless and selfish, she should have made it very clear on the invite.

FeckOffCup Sat 27-Apr-13 11:48:37

If you've already booked flights and accomodation for the 3 of you based on what she said in the first place I would be tempted to just turn up with your DD and she can just like it or lump it unless she wants to cause a scene.

cornyderpy Sat 27-Apr-13 11:48:43

that's very rude and thoughtless of her
did she give any reason for changing the invitation?
are you bringing dd to the church service?

cinnamonbun Sat 27-Apr-13 11:55:21

She told me she couldn't make an exception for DD as it would look strange to her other friends who'd had to make childcare arrangements. Thing is, most of her other friends live locally and presumably have family nearby who're able to look after their children for a few hours. We'd booked two nights' accommodation so would've needed more than 48 hours childcare. AIBU to think that she could have asked around to see if one of her friends knew of someone who could look after DD for a few hours?

In the end we asked if children could come to the church service and she said that was fine, just not the reception.

SantanaLopez Sat 27-Apr-13 11:57:18

I wouldn't bother going. Have a mini holiday instead. Disgraceful behaviour!

foslady Sat 27-Apr-13 11:58:31

YANBU - don't think I'd even want to go to the service if she'd done that to me.....or count her as a friend

cinnamonbun Sat 27-Apr-13 11:59:13

Forgot to say DD is only 3 so would not be happy to leave her with friends in our home city for 2 days...

2cats2many Sat 27-Apr-13 12:03:20

Can she be left with any of the babysitters of the friends who live close by to the wedding so you and your DH can go to the party?

cinnamonbun Sat 27-Apr-13 12:04:57

2cats2many - I don't know any of her other friends so can't really ask them (and the wedding's this afternoon so too late now) sad

flumperoo Sat 27-Apr-13 12:07:26

How completely selfish and thoughtless of your friend. Even knowing you had booked flights and accommodation as well! If there any way to cancel flights etc, I would do that, even if it meant losing a deposit. If that's not an option, then I'd definitely still not go and would do as Santana suggests and make it mini family holiday instead. What area is it in - somewhere nice for a holiday?

cinnamonbun Sat 27-Apr-13 12:12:41

Flumperoo, it's in a nice city so we're making the most of it. And we're going to be polite and friendly when we see them at the church but I'm still a bit miffed that she never even apologised for uninviting DD.

JamieandtheMagicTorch Sat 27-Apr-13 12:13:54

She has been thoughtless. She's trying to make her problem into your problem

BasilBabyEater Sat 27-Apr-13 12:17:32

So presumably you'll go to the church but not to the reception?

thebody Sat 27-Apr-13 12:20:25

I would have gone and enjoyed the mini break with dh and dd and stuffed the wedding.

cinnamonbun Sat 27-Apr-13 12:20:41

Basil - that's right.

manticlimactic Sat 27-Apr-13 12:20:46

YANBU. I wouldn't even go to the wedding.

WadsCollop Sat 27-Apr-13 12:23:27

Don't bother going. Seriously.

JamieandtheMagicTorch Sat 27-Apr-13 12:27:52

Yes, maybe just turn up outside in time to throw something confetti at her after the service (how many 3 year olds want to sit through a wedding service anyway?)

TheChaoGoesMu Sat 27-Apr-13 12:30:48

Jeez. I wouldn't go at all. She's not a friend. Completely rubbish behaviour.

JamieandtheMagicTorch Sat 27-Apr-13 12:33:07

Is your DD 3 or 4

Are you flying, or going by train?

Longdistance Sat 27-Apr-13 12:33:46

Show your face at the wedding to make her feel guilty.

Don't leave a gift or card for them.

Go off and do your own thing with dd, and spoil her and yourselves rotten, and have lots of fun!

Lucyellensmum95 Sat 27-Apr-13 12:34:52

I would not go either - Its a horrible thing to have done to you, i assume you would have bought her a wedding present too - take it back and get a refund. Mini-break to be enjoyed and her off your friends list!

I would not go. I would enjoy a minibreak in the town in question but not go

cinnamonbun Sat 27-Apr-13 12:48:05

Jamie - DD is 3 (nearly 4) and we came by train. Altogether fares and accommodation (two nights) came to just over £300. I've also bought a nice gift and card.

Are you still going? I would not. She has behaved appallingly towards you.

cinnamonbun Sat 27-Apr-13 12:53:22

Quintessential - yes the church is in 2 hours. We've decided to go as we'd already paid for the train and accommodation when my friend called to say DD couldn't come. We're not exactly loaded so would've hated to waste such a lot of money.

LAlady Sat 27-Apr-13 12:54:04

I wouldn't go. This is incredibly rude and thoughtless behaviour.

Get a refund on the gift too.

Go and enjoy your mini break.

cinnamonbun Sat 27-Apr-13 12:56:55

Thing is, if we don't go, she'll be able to think we're the ones who've been petty or whatever. By turning up, hopefully she'll realise that we've made quite an effort despite her behaviour and come all this way for what'll probably be half an hour's church service.

greenformica Sat 27-Apr-13 13:09:07

I think she is totally out of order.

MNBlackpoolandFylde Sat 27-Apr-13 13:27:35

YANBU I would be furious.

How thoughtless!

Lucyellensmum95 Sat 27-Apr-13 13:30:31

To be honest, i couldnt give a shit what she thinks! She should have told you at the begining that it wouldnt be possible for DD to go - i can't abide all these bridezillas who think that children might ruin the ambience of their bloody wedding - if it really is so all about them, then let them get married on their bloody own

wonderingagain Sat 27-Apr-13 13:31:04

Just be bossy and tell her you are bringing your daughter and stop fussing. She will just have to tell other people that you are an exception and back you up - after all, she is a friend and that's what friends do.

Myinboxisfull Sat 27-Apr-13 13:31:40

Personally, if I were in your situation and still wanted to go to the ceremony, I'd limit my generosity to the card and take the gift back to the shop for a refund.

Shockingly rude behaviour on her part. Completely unreasonable to uninvited your dd.

wineandroses Sat 27-Apr-13 13:36:39

How incredibly rude. She is not a good friend. If I were you I would not attend the wedding. I would enjoy your weekend away instead.

However, if you feel you must, go to the church but leave immediately at the end of the service. Don't talk to the bridezilla, don't give them a gift, simply start your lovely family weekend away together. Then have no further contact with her. Selfish cow.

MrsWolowitz Sat 27-Apr-13 13:38:58

YANBU.

Don't go and tell her why.

Terrible bridezilla behaviour.

Graceparkhill Sat 27-Apr-13 13:40:10

I never say this ( well seldom ) but honestly OP you are better off without this type of "friend". You sound like a lovely,loyal person who deserves better treatment.
Hope you have a nice family time regardless of the wedding.

diddl Sat 27-Apr-13 13:41:45

I wouldn't go either, because by now I would have lost interest in her wedding & her as a friend.

PurplePidjin Sat 27-Apr-13 13:47:09

Go. Talk loudly to random relatives outside the church about how disappointed you are that you can't go to the reception due to no childcare. Big exaggerated sad face.

Then bugger off and do something fun grin

Yes, actually with Purplepidjin on this.

One day, hopefully this "friend" will have the good grace to be embarrassed.

She sounds like a selfish arsehole.

You must make your presence felt! grin

diddl Sat 27-Apr-13 14:09:30

Why bother going just to make a point?-the bride probably won't care or notice!

If you want to watch her get married, go.

If not, do something as a family.

BasilBabyEater Sat 27-Apr-13 14:11:26

God, what is it about the wedding industry that turns otherwise decent, nice people into monsters?

Does she know you're not going to the reception?

I hope there are 2 empty places which they'll be charged for and will upset the seating arrangements <Petty>

iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii Sat 27-Apr-13 14:25:24

YANBU

I would be cross. If I was feling really petty I might downgrade their 'present' and if I was feeling really REALLY petty I might not let them know I wasn't going to the reception.

At the very least I would make it very clear that you had already spent money on the trip based on the fact your DD could come.

I think just going to the ceremony is a good idea.

It never ceases to amaze me that people do this kind of thing to their 'friends' I mean, when she asked if you had booked accommodation etc and you said yes, what did she say? Unbelievable behaviour, I'd be mightily pissed off.

facedontfit Sat 27-Apr-13 14:36:55

She's no friend. Get a refund on the gift.

foslady Sat 27-Apr-13 14:46:44

Seriously, she doesn't deserve the gift - you've spent a shed load to get to a wedding, that she's then moved the goal posts on AFTER she knew you'd forked out for it all, she's not even feeding you now ffs!!!!!!! grin

quesadilla Sat 27-Apr-13 15:00:43

No, that's bloody selfish and thoughtless on her part. To be honest I think the "no kids at weddings" thing is often quite selfish if taken to such unbending extremes. I can totally understand that it's a lovely idea for adults - particularly if they go back a long way - to be able to recreate their child free days for a few hours but in practice it makes it impossible for guests like you. There has to be a bit of flexibility.

pigletmania Sat 27-Apr-13 15:11:47

I would not bother going, she pissed you about

digerd Sat 27-Apr-13 15:36:13

A wedding reception for your DD with no other kids to play with will be so boring for her, anyway. But real friends don't let you down like that without any remorse or apology for changing her mind to keep the peace with others at the wedding who had obviously complained.

They had no right to complain to the bride about about her special arrangements for you, as you were coming from abroad.
She was too weak to stand up for herself and you.

cinnamonbun Sat 27-Apr-13 15:39:46

Thank you all for your support. We just got back. It was fine if a bit awkward at the end when we had to exchange a few words outside the church. We were polite though not very chatty iyswim. We were obviously the only ones who'd brought a present to the church (and a rather big one at that!) and we handed it to one of the bride's friend (explaining we couldn't come to the reception due to no childcare) and then left. The strange thing is that there were hardly any people our age there ( i.e people who would potentially have children), mostly old people. So not quite sure why it would have been so difficult to explain to a handful of people that there would be one child attending the reception and why? Anyway, feeling a bit sad now as it's possibly the end of a friendship. hmm

foslady Sat 27-Apr-13 15:45:30

Her loss cinnamonbun - you sound as though you are a lovely friend for organising to go to the wedding and then still going to see her get married despite what she's done

cinnamonbun Sat 27-Apr-13 15:52:30

Thank you Foslady smile

kerstina Sat 27-Apr-13 17:43:59

Well its possible all the ones with young families stayed away if their whole family was not invited.

iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii Sat 27-Apr-13 18:10:56

I hope you you enjoy the rest of your weekend smile with your family.

Lucyellensmum95 Sat 27-Apr-13 18:14:55

You are a better woman than me cinnamon - i was hoping that they would have said to you to bring your DD along, but they didn't - they are clearly not worth your niceness xx I hope you find something nice to do together as a family this evening.

cinnamonbun Sat 27-Apr-13 21:38:25

Can I just say how much I love mumsnet sometimes! I felt almost overwhelmed by how supportive and kind everyone's been today and for what it's worth, Dh, dd and i had a nice evening together in the end. smile

Glad to hear it. grin

CSIJanner Sat 27-Apr-13 21:44:21

Your DD probably had a far more fantastic night with you and DH than she would have at the reception. A day out then mummy and daddy all to herself - what more can a little girl want? grin

It is a shame it's the end of a friendship, but you, DH and DD got to dress up, have a small holiday in a hotel (my LO's love overnight stays and sees them as small holidays) and got to be the bigger people.

thermalsinapril Sat 27-Apr-13 21:46:14

YANBU. However I think she could be forgiven for being scatty or a bridezilla.

BollyGood Sat 27-Apr-13 21:59:52

I can't believe a 'friend' would accept a gift and know that you had travelled to see her and not have a change of heart and invite you and your family to the rest of her wedding. You sound like a really lovely person and I don't think this woman deserves you as a friend. It's sad when thing like this happen but I am just gobsmacked at her behaviour to be honest.

wonderingagain Sat 27-Apr-13 22:03:09

Don't worry about the friendship - getting married is a bit weird and stressful, it may be that the groom or any number of family members was involved in the planning. If it's a good friendship it will recover from this but give it time. Whatever happens don't be sad about it.

Longdistance Sun 28-Apr-13 04:02:06

Well, I hope she's thorougly embarrassed by that. It may have been awkward for you, but think it'll be worse for her when the friend took the large gift, and you went.
I'd leave her to contact you tbh.

MidniteScribbler Sun 28-Apr-13 04:15:24

This person is not a friend. Friends do not treat each other like that.

Choccybaby Sun 28-Apr-13 09:10:37

I think you did exactly the right thing.

I remember being extremely upset when aged about 6 my parents were invited to a close family friend's wedding and didn't want kids there. While I think it's up to the couple how they want to arrange their wedding, I don't attend weddings where my children aren't welcome because I don't want them to feel rejected. To me weddings are family events.

I think that your "friend" changing her mind at the last minute was completely out of order

LayMizzRarb Sun 28-Apr-13 10:03:30

It's her loss. Sounds like she has lost a good friend she doesn't really deserve to have.

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