to not feel guilty at all about not giving my friend a lift?

(68 Posts)
DaisyDukeShorts Fri 26-Apr-13 18:52:54

A friend who as soon as she got a boyfriend I never saw again, and when she had a baby I saw even less of her.

A friend who when I do rarely see never once asks about me. (I'm not asking for hours upon hours of talking about my life, but a general how are you? would be nice)

So when a friend invites us all to dinner at her house next week to celebrate a new job promotion and said friend sends a FB message out to all of us going asking for one of us to drive her there and back and I and seemingly everyone else ignores it.

Aibu to not feel guilty in the slightest?

SkinnybitchWannabe Fri 26-Apr-13 18:54:37

Not at all.
She can get her OH to take her.


IsItMeOr Fri 26-Apr-13 18:57:30

YABU to call her a friend - you clearly don't like her.

mrsjay Fri 26-Apr-13 18:57:52

nope if she says anything say oh I didnt see the message

DaisyDukeShorts Fri 26-Apr-13 18:59:44


I used to consider her as one of my best friends, and then I realised how disposable I was to her sad

diddl Fri 26-Apr-13 19:04:20

The being dumped for a boyfriend is annoying.

But being busy due to a family is acceptable!

Still, I guess if no one likes her enough to take her, that's saying something.

But it's letting down the friend who has invited her & wants her there.

OHforDUCKScake Fri 26-Apr-13 19:05:52

"I never saw her again."

Except you did, didnt you? Because you followed that with "seeing her less" when the baby was born.

Its perfectly normal to see friends a bit less when a new relationship begins.
And totally understandable that they are around far less when a baby comes along.

Seems to me the only thing she is guilty of is being a but wrapped up in her own life when you meet because she forgets to ask how you are.

Can I assume OP, that you have no children?

DaisyDukeShorts Fri 26-Apr-13 19:09:52

No it's not that at all.

I get on with my life and let her get on with her. She makes no effort so I stopped making effort too. Friendship is not a one way thing.

I have other friends where the effort is on both sides. That's why I don't see why I should have to ferry her around, when I've done it so many times before.

DaisyDukeShorts Fri 26-Apr-13 19:10:40

But it's letting down the friend who has invited her & wants her there.

If my friend is that let down then she could always pick her up.

OHforDUCKScake Fri 26-Apr-13 19:20:03

Theres a huge difference between being understandably wrapped up in family life and 'making no effort.'

Shes trying to make effort to go to this meet and you're making it harder for her to go.

Can you not see the irony?

DaisyDukeShorts Fri 26-Apr-13 19:25:29

No I don't see the irony. It's not my job to ferry a person around and go an hour out of my way for someone who makes no effort at all.

She stopped making effort way before she had a baby.

OHforDUCKScake Fri 26-Apr-13 19:28:55

If she 'wasnt making effort' she wouldnt be trying to get to her friends gathering!!

You have no children.

DaisyDukeShorts Fri 26-Apr-13 19:29:15

And I think it says a lot that 8 people have seen the message (on FB you know who has read the message) and everyone has ignored it.

Having a baby doesn't give you an excuse to be rude and selfish.

OHforDUCKScake Fri 26-Apr-13 19:31:45

So she is rude now too?

DaisyDukeShorts Fri 26-Apr-13 19:32:25

I do have a child - I wouldn't join MN without a child, unless I was trying for one or was a step parent.

I obviously understand your time is limited when you have a child. But I have gone out of my way to do things for her and it's never reciprocated.

Her partner has a car, his mum also lives with them. She is not stranded.

Hassled Fri 26-Apr-13 19:36:46

If it's an hour out of your way then you're not at all unreasonable. If she was just down the road then you might be, a bit.

If all 8 people have ignored her it's going to be an excruciating dinner, isn't it?

thefirstmrsrochester Fri 26-Apr-13 19:37:11

why does your (former) friend feel that its upto someone else to ferry her about?
hurt feelings aside, I still think she IBU.

She is not making an effort. She is asking the other guests to make an extra effort for her.

OHforDUCKScake Fri 26-Apr-13 19:41:32

Did she really use the words "I want someone to drive me there and back."

Or did she say "Can I catch a lift if anyones driving?"

Big difference.

Either way, you clearly do not like her, shes obviously not your friend so if shes as bad as you make out then cut her off because she wont notice, will she?

HoHoHoNoYouDont Fri 26-Apr-13 19:42:09

YANBU I wouldn't offer either.

OHforDUCKScake Fri 26-Apr-13 19:42:58

She IS making an effort. Not making and effort is - "Sorry Im not coming."

resists urge to ask OP her age

expatinscotland Fri 26-Apr-13 19:43:24

Why is it someone else's responsibility to get her there and back? At a dinner I'd want to drink wine leisurely. I never drink and drive, so I'd make arrangements to get there some other way under my own steam/pound.

BOF Fri 26-Apr-13 19:43:51

You aren't close to her any more, you don't feel she would put herself out for you, you don't fancy giving her a lift, so don't, that's fine.

There's a huge thread about cheeky fuckers which went into Classics this week, in which everybody extolled the virtues of being able to say no and not be railroaded into doing favours you don't want. I'm not sure why that gets flipped on its head when the issue is posed in a slightly different way. Because its AIBU, I suppose, and people like to be contrary.

expatinscotland Fri 26-Apr-13 19:44:25

I can't believe peoples' first thought is to get someone else to take them rather than, 'What bus/taxi can I get.'

OHforDUCKScake Fri 26-Apr-13 19:49:01

Really? If a whole bunch of people were going, your supposed friends, and a few of them were driving you wouldnt think to go with them too? You'd rather pay for a taxi?

Thank goodness I have nice friends. confused

diddl Fri 26-Apr-13 19:49:56

Depends on her circs & where everyone is in relation to everyone else as to whether asking is totally unreasonable to ask.

thefirstmrsrochester Fri 26-Apr-13 19:59:40

maybe none of the other people she messaged on facebook fancied driving?

given the opportunity for a wee evening out, I would always plan my own transport.

OHforDUCKScake Fri 26-Apr-13 20:01:21

Maybe. Maybe thats why no one replied. Rather than it 'speaking volumes' as the OP suggested.

DaisyDukeShorts Fri 26-Apr-13 20:05:11

Whoever drove would have to drive out of their way to pick her up.

Everyone is driving there, but some will be sharing lifts I'm assuming.

LemonBreeland Fri 26-Apr-13 20:08:58

yanbu if everyone elsr has ignored it that says a lot.

Also if it is out of the way for people it is rude to ask.

LemonBreeland Fri 26-Apr-13 20:09:25

yanbu if everyone elsr has ignored it that says a lot.

Also if it is out of the way for people it is rude to ask.

OHforDUCKScake Fri 26-Apr-13 20:24:02

And it just so happens that all 8 people live in the same place but this one girl lives out the way?

The more you write, the more I feel for your friend.

expatinscotland Fri 26-Apr-13 20:25:26

'Really? If a whole bunch of people were going, your supposed friends, and a few of them were driving you wouldnt think to go with them too? You'd rather pay for a taxi?'

If a whole bunch of us are going, generally no one's driving because they all drink. I have nice, drunk friends.

expatinscotland Fri 26-Apr-13 20:26:08

If you don't fancy it, OP, then don't.

DaisyDukeShorts Fri 26-Apr-13 20:35:15

I never said we live in the same area - because we don't. But you know which direction people will come from.

And Duck you've had it in for me from the start. You are probably one of those people that dropped their friends as soon as she had a boyfriend too.

Fortunately I don't have the word doormat stamped across my head.

Callycat Fri 26-Apr-13 20:40:54

"Really? If a whole bunch of people were going, your supposed friends, and a few of them were driving you wouldnt think to go with them too? You'd rather pay for a taxi?"

I would, yes - rather than inconvenience my friends. It's my choice not to drive, and I don't wish my (very nice) friends to be impacted by that choice.

maddening Fri 26-Apr-13 20:42:25

It's up to you but if you don't feel guilty why are you posting and trying to justify it?

You don't need to justify it, it does seem petty if it isn't out of your way.

Good friendships generally ime outlast these periods of life where each or either party is preoccupied but if that is a deal breaker for you that's your choice - others are more patient and forgiving of their friends. Good friends can go through those periods and meet up and it is like you never left .

OHforDUCKScake Fri 26-Apr-13 21:09:30

Im not one of those people who 'drops my friends'

I am however, one of those people who doesnt see my friends anywhere near aa much as Id like to as demands of family life get in the way. Luckily for me, my friends are amazing and understand that.

Im also one of those people who understand that its normal for someone to see me less if they are in a new relationship.

She didnt drop you at all, she saw you less.

I havent 'had it in for you' from the start, Im just seeing it from the other side because Im there.

Not that any of my friends would refuse to help me get to a place if it meant a rare night out. Thankfully they are good friends.

MidniteScribbler Fri 26-Apr-13 22:38:14

Why bother asking when you've already made up your mind?

DaisyDukeShorts Fri 26-Apr-13 22:47:15

it does seem petty if it isn't out of your way

It is out of my way. To take her there and back would potentially be 40-45 minutes.

DaisyDukeShorts Fri 26-Apr-13 22:54:48

Not that any of my friends would refuse to help me get to a place if it meant a rare night out. Thankfully they are good friends

She has a partner who drives, and they live in his mothers house. Therefore there is someone to watch the baby.

And by your definition I'm a shit friend.

That even though I was half way across the way visiting a sick relative I still managed to send her a card and a present when she had her baby.

I then get home after 4 months and visit her straight away to show her that meeting her baby was a priority. She did not once ask me about my time away.

That same week a friend had a birthday meal. She couldn't go so I drove 20 minutes out of way just so she could go. She kept me waiting 15 minutes sat outside.

I started taking anti-depressants, had a bad break-up. She probably doesn't even know if we are still together or not because she never asked.

I'm finally in a good place in my life and I'm sick of being treated like a doormat. I go out of my way to help my friends, so don't accuse me of being a shit uncaring person when you know nothing about my life.

saulaboutme Fri 26-Apr-13 23:08:43

Err cheeky mare, there's an invention called a cab....ignore, ignore and ignore. You're cabbing it, have afew bevvies and let her fucking sort herself out..... Sorry...liberties!

TheSecondComing Fri 26-Apr-13 23:13:55

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LemonPeculiarJones Fri 26-Apr-13 23:20:47

OHforDUCKScake your posts have been a bit weirdly frothing. Are you pissed? grin Or has this really touched a nerve for you or something?

OP YANBU to not give her a lift. You're not responsible for her and it sounds like she hasn't been there for you in the past.

Jewcy Fri 26-Apr-13 23:23:40

OHforDUCKScake, why are you hounding the OP? I agree with Lemon: you have a serious axe to grind.

DaisyDukeShorts Fri 26-Apr-13 23:27:35

wrt trophies relationship


I don't have pent up fury Second ... I just don't appreciate passive comments implying that I'm a bad friend.

I definitely am in a better place now. Finally moved on after a bad relationship and other bad things, and have started a new job and doing something so my child can be proud of having me as a mum smile

OHforDUCKScake Fri 26-Apr-13 23:31:01

Drip, drip, drip.

Lemon no not drunk, but yes it has touched a nerve. I mentioned before that I feel like Im in the OP's friends position.

Jewcy I am by no means hounding the OP. Im simply not agreeing with her and God forbid seeing it from her friends perspective.

The last time I checked we were in AIBU.

Ive not been insulting, Ive not been sweary, Ive not been drunk (!), Ive not been bitchy or ragey. Ive simply been replying to the OP.

OHforDUCKScake Fri 26-Apr-13 23:34:28

DaisyDukes how old is your friends baby?

usualsuspect Fri 26-Apr-13 23:34:51

it wouldn't hurt to give her a lift would it?

why are people so bloody unkind.

LemonPeculiarJones Fri 26-Apr-13 23:34:56

Nah. You were OTT DUCKs But you know you're projecting due to your own experience.

OP has made it clear that her 'friend' was self-absorbed, never asked her about herself etc, then dropped out of her life as soon as she found a boyfriend. Is that what you did to your friend? If not, then you don't really have a point.

DaisyDukeShorts Fri 26-Apr-13 23:37:53

Well that explains it.

If your friends are so amazing and understanding then it shouldn't have touched a nerve.

I haven't drip fed at all, I elaborated on what I wrote in the OP.

I have a child, I know that time becomes precious. But what I also know is if you want people in your lives and to do favours you expect from a friend then some effort has to be made on your part - otherwise pretty soon you'll find yourself very lonely.

At least two people have agreed with me that all you've done is hounded me, and clearly taking something out on me that is your own issue. It has been nothing but passive aggressive comments and spiteful responses.

If you want to excuse your behaviour because this is "AIBU" then do so.

maddening Fri 26-Apr-13 23:41:21

well don't stress about it then op - it's out of your way to a point where you don't want to offer a lift.

the fact that you are posting in such a passionate manner indicates though that you are quite upset by this friend as otherwise it's a non issue - she inbu to ask if anyone minds giving a lift and uanbu to not offer - nor should you feel guilty - the only reason anyone would have a twinge of guilt is if it were on the way which it isn't - but you do come across as more upset.

it might be an idea to recognise that though and make a decision to let it go else you might not enjoy the meal due to her very presence - which would be a shame for you. You are in a good place now - it is sad that your friendship ended but you have moved on so don't give it any more headspace - you'll see her at the party - exchange some small talk - she might see that she lost a good friend but it's too late. It's a pity but what you needed from your friendship isn't what you got so it's over - that is just something that happens.

have a lovely time at the party :-)

DaisyDukeShorts Fri 26-Apr-13 23:43:10

If you'd like to stir then please do Usual I guess you are bored on a Friday night and need some entertainment - I was driving her around for years before she met her partner. Before she met her partner she would breakdown in tears every time I saw her because she was single.

I spent hours in the bathroom with her at a party because she was so upset about being single.

Then she meets someone, I didn't see her for months. I only saw her once because he went away on holiday and she spent the entire day texting him.

I'm not "bloody unkind" - I just don't like being used. The only time she will contact me is to ask me to do something for her.

DaisyDukeShorts Fri 26-Apr-13 23:44:42

Thank you maddening and Lemon

usualsuspect Fri 26-Apr-13 23:48:45

oh ok. do want you want then.

I cba with all the drama tbh.

manticlimactic Sat 27-Apr-13 00:46:49

Fairweather friends - dump em

OHforDUCKScake Sat 27-Apr-13 12:41:39

'Excuse my behaviour' ?

Stop being emotional.

How old is your friends baby?

FeckOffCup Sat 27-Apr-13 14:26:26

OP YANBU to be a bit hacked off about that. In my group of NCT buddies we all try to get together every so often to stay in touch and there is one person who always does the same thing on the last occasion her exact words on facebook were "I want to go but I need someone to drive me home afterwards as I can get a lift there but not back again." I think if you want to go you need to make your own transport arrangements or at least ask politely and offer petrol money.

UnicornHorn Sat 27-Apr-13 14:29:41

Duck stop projecting your own issue onto the OP.

You are coming across terribly. Lots of people have told you this, yet you continue to hound the OP. Odd.

LemonPeculiarJones Sat 27-Apr-13 15:17:46

Duck you've admitted you're completely projecting, as Unicorn says.

You can't really comment usefully due to that, it seems.

INeverFinishAnythi Sat 27-Apr-13 15:28:22

What a strange thread.
Most people - YANBU
A few people - YABabitU
Why on earth did you ask when you've already made up your mind? confused

JennifersBody Sat 27-Apr-13 15:37:22

Duck back off a little bit ...

I am guilty myself of not having as much time for friends anymore. But I think here the OP is saying that she's tried with this friend and helped her out a lot in the past.

I think you yourself if you never bothered to text/call/or see someone in months, you wouldn't out of the blue ask them for a favour.

Perhaps the friend is trying to make an effort now, but it's not up to everyone else to go and fetch her and bring her back.

GibberTheMonkey Sat 27-Apr-13 15:39:34

It does sound like you wanted a thread to just bitch about this 'friend'.

You obviously don't think you're being unreasonable to ignore her request and in fact that's all she's done, ask if anyone could give her a lift. Shes not hounded you or called you names for saying no. She's asked a simple question which you have chosen to ignore and believe you were right to so really no need for the character assassination

OHforDUCKScake Sat 27-Apr-13 20:05:25

I thought that Ineverfinish. Im surprised people are finding it attacking just because I dont agree with the OP.

Lemon I 'admitted' nothing of the sort. i havent dropped my friends, have friends who are pissed off with me, friends who dont want to give me lifts, nor want to see me and are writing threads about me.

i simply empathised with the OP's friend and dared to question whether the OP was perhaps being a little unsympathetic and from what I have read, a little immature.

Gibber I agree.

For the third time OP, how old is your friends baby?

LemonPeculiarJones Sat 27-Apr-13 20:42:44

It's not that you don't agree, Duck - you do seem to be overly emotional about the issue.

You did say,

yes it has touched a nerve. I mentioned before that I feel like Im in the OP's friends position

Just sounds like the OP's lift-requester wasn't a good friend to her in the past. Am presuming you consider yourself a good friend? Just because it's touched a nerve for you doesn't mean the situation is the same as yours. Just think you're getting a bit caught up in it all.

But I'll leave it to the OP now to counter your feelings/assumptions about it. If she's still reading that is smile

BoneyBackJefferson Sat 27-Apr-13 20:46:26

I think that it all depends on how much the OP feels that she has been used by her "friend" in the past.

I dropped a "friend" because it came clear that all I was to her was a cheap taxi service.

OHforDUCKScake Sun 28-Apr-13 08:51:29

It also depends how old the baby is. If its 4 weeks old then I massively stand by what I said.

If the baby is more like 2-3 then thats a little different.

Fourth time OP, how old is the baby? Im wondering if you avoided that question for a reason.

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