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I can't cope with my new grandson's name

(118 Posts)
BellydanceMary Thu 25-Apr-13 13:01:49

Today is my daughters 28th birthday so i'm full of happy memories of her birth. However last week she gave birth to her own son who she has named after her father. After many years of being a single parent and remaining reasonably amicable with her father I find myself overwhelmed by feelings of rejection. The whole of my parenting is in question.

My reasonable head says get over it but I find I can't even say his name, which is a very common name. Everyone wants to know my grandson's name and I can't bare to speak it.

My feelings are so raw I don't know where to put them. It all seems very petty to other people.

Donnadoon Thu 25-Apr-13 13:06:31

Gawd I feel your pain
Can his name be shortened / lengthened ?
He isn't him though and you will feel differently in time I'm sure
sorry not much help

Thurlow Thu 25-Apr-13 13:10:42

I'm sorry that it's upsetting. I agree with shortening it or giving a nickname - my parents don't like my DN's name (for very different reasons) but they use a shortened version which is quite sweet and everyone likes.

The first thing than came to mind is that your daughter used her father's name as a way of 'honouring' him, but felt the need to do that because she is so much closer to you, and you will be so much closer to your grandson?

Why is your parenting in question? It would be odd to name a son after you! Your parenting sounds great if you have managed your feelings about her father so well that she wants to honour him this way.
Your daughter is an individual with her own relationships, one of those is the one with her father. It does not reflect on her relationship with you.

Mrsdavidcaruso Thu 25-Apr-13 13:11:55

Does she know how hurt you are? If she hasn't registered the birth yet would she agreeable to have your Xs name as her sons middle name to keep it in the family

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

dublinrose37 Thu 25-Apr-13 13:15:46

I think you need to take a step back here. As ELTQ says it would be a bit weird to name a boy after you so don't take it personally. Remember your relationship with him has nothing to do with your daughter's relationship with him, if he was a good dad to her its perfectly reasonable that she might want to name her son after him. Maybe the nickname suggestion would a good one.

DesperatelySeekingSedatives Thu 25-Apr-13 13:16:06

I think this is something you're going to have to get over without involving your DD. This is her and her partners baby and she's obviously chosen this name for her own reasons. Please don't potentially spoil what should be a happy exciting time by actually saying anything to her!

I don't know why it "calls your own parenting into questioning" I can only assume an acrimonious break up.

culturemulcher Thu 25-Apr-13 13:16:15

This must be really hard for you, but - as you say - you're feeling a bit raw at the moment. It's only a week since the birth and all the emotions stirred up by the birth itself still won't have fully settled.

Give yourself a bit of time. Maybe try to focus on other people who you know who have the same name. Is there a famous person with the name who you admire? Perhaps try to think of that person, rather than your daughter's father. Names can have many negative connotations, but with practice you'll soon come to only think f your lovely grandson when you think of that name.

Good luck.

Latara Thu 25-Apr-13 13:18:47

I think the name must have tapped into some feelings about your ex & the relationship ending; perhaps speaking to someone not involved about those feelings will help.

It's good that your daughter has a good relationship with her dad but i can understand you feeling upset, it would be better to suggest it as a middle name?

Congrats on having a new grandson btw.

Scholes34 Thu 25-Apr-13 13:23:49

Let your grandson take ownership of the name! In time, it may help push memories of your ex into the background.

NoPartyDay Thu 25-Apr-13 13:24:05

Maybe the misgivings towards her Dad are coming to the fore but you are entitled to feel this way. Maybe don't fight how you feel, go with it for now, just try to keep an open mind for slowly accepting how very different baby is. Maybe if you look on the internet for as for many people with that name as you can, even read a biography on someone with the same name, you can slowly lose the association? I agree with Doonadoon, as your grandson's personality develops, hence voicing his version of that name into the world, you may find it feels perfectly fine.
You no doubt know your daughter can love her Dad and his name and still love you to the moon and back- it doesnt impact how she feels about you as her parent.

thegreylady Thu 25-Apr-13 13:25:06

My step dil's mother was abandoned by her husband when she was pregnant and he has never met his daughter-he even ignored her at his mother's funeral.However dsdil has given his surname as middle name to both her children.She says it is the only thing he ever gave her.It is emotive and hard on her mum but it is her mum who has the relationship with her dgc.You are the one who will build memories with dgc and the name can't be allowed to get in the way.Just make up an affectionate nn for the baby and let it go.

MNBlackpoolandFylde Thu 25-Apr-13 13:27:17

I came on to say yabu its her choice thinking it was a my dd has called her son Hyundai type of thread, however after reading the thread I feel your pain.

Im a single parent and would feel gutted if dd gave her ds exh name although he is not involved in her life and a major tosser so hope it could never happen.

Laquila Thu 25-Apr-13 13:28:09

I second Scholes34's comment.

LunaticFringe that is very sad and I feel for you and hope you have some peace from hearing the name.

AnyoneforTurps Thu 25-Apr-13 13:37:47

Hyundai - good choice for a reliable DS with minimal service costs and a long warranty? wink

thebody Thu 25-Apr-13 13:42:28

But it doesn't mean she doesn't love you less or your patenting was bad! Quite the contrary in fact as you kept things amicable.

Your grandson is himself and noone ekes and anyway in my family we all have nick names so his name may change or shorten.

Enjoy seeing him grow.

DeWe Thu 25-Apr-13 13:49:11

I can understand how you feel. But look as it as he's named after dd's dad, not after your exh. If that makes sense. I don't think you can say anything without sounding bitter, and possibly putting your relationship in problems.
As others have said it will change how you look on the name. I was bullied by a girl of a particular name at primary, and met another who wasn't very nice at secondary. Couldn't stand the name. About 10 years ago I met another lady by the same name and we get on very well. She's the one I turn to in a crisis, go out with, my best female friend, I guess. I now quite like the name grin

Was is specifically after him though, or could it be a favourite/family name of her dp? Because my family could have thought that one of ds' names is a family name. It's my uncles, my great-uncles (on both sides), godfather, mum's cousins... It also happens to be my fil's name. So it was a family name on both sides.

My mil does like to compare my dc to a family member I don't really like. I'm not sure if she's trying to, but it's exceedingly irritating, as well as obviously wrong grin. I try and let it pass me by...

diddl Thu 25-Apr-13 13:59:43

What sort of a relationship did/do they have?

Maybe she thinks he was/is a great father & worthy of this tribute.

Or maybe she's trying to impress him/buy his love?

Pigsmummy Thu 25-Apr-13 14:04:39

Try an aversion technique? List all the people that you know with the same name, especially famous ones, find a couple of people that you like or admire, try to find a (good) picture of them and then practise the name in your head, thinking of these people and looking at the picture of the favourites, keep doing this, even months down the line (keep the pictures in your purse/diary) and when you hear the name you will stop bristling.

AlnwickRose Thu 25-Apr-13 14:04:52

Please don't suggest it as a middle name, or let her know how you feel. At best that's going to make her feel guilty. Like others have said, if anything this is an endorsement of your parenting.

carabos Thu 25-Apr-13 14:05:47

This happened to me in reverse, in that I chose my DF's name for DS1. Mainly because I really like it. My parents had a very acrimonious divorce, DF is a complete tosser and an alcoholic. However, I really like his name and it was his grandfather's name as well, so a true family name.

My DM went shouty crackers. I mean totally OTT. It was so overwhelming that I gave in, swapped his names around so his intended middle name became his first name and regretted it ever since. Not because I don't like his name - I do, but because in effect I allowed DM to dictate make one of the nicest decisions a parent gets to make about their child.

Sorry you feel this way OP, but YABU.

BrianCoxandTheTempleofDOOM Thu 25-Apr-13 14:13:00

ooo, OP I feel for you. just tried to imagine the scenario with me and DD (she's only 9 but her "dad" denies her existence yet she is desperate to meet him sad )

I hate his name, when I hear it on the tv or somebody is introduced to me with the same name, I inwardly sneer and think nasry thoughts.

You need to retrain your thought processes because at the moment, YANBU, however if you allow this to.continue then you will be beyond unreasonable I'm afraid.

Can you refer to him as (for example) Baby John and desensitise (that's a word I'm sure wink ) yourself that way?

Fudgemallowdelight Thu 25-Apr-13 14:26:36

I was going to suggest calling him Baby * too. Would that help? Then you can drop it once you start to think of your GS as the name rather than your ex

fedupofnamechanging Thu 25-Apr-13 14:27:18

I feel for you, but I would resist shortening the name or changing what you call him. I really disliked it when people called my dd something other than the name I had carefully chosen for her.

If you can manage it, try to view it as positive that she doesn't feel rejection or bitterness about her father and feels able to choose his name for her baby - it means that you have done an excellent job of not passing on how you feel about your ex to your dd and she feels comfortable about him. That's something to be proud of and so in choosing that name she is actually making a positive statement about your parenting (even if she is doing so subconsciously).

OTTMummA Thu 25-Apr-13 14:30:43

I think you will have to just get over it tbh.
You clearly have done a great job at keeping things amicable over the years that she feels comfortable using his name, that is really telling on how good a job you have done.

You need to detach yourself from your dd and her fathers relationship, so long as he has been a good father then whatever went on between you is irrelevant.

I hope you can resolve these feelings, in the meantime try and find a special NN that you can use for him.
But please do not say anything to your DD about the name, it will not do you or her any good, it will just tarnish this precious first few weeks for her.
Can you imagine how you would feel if your mother told you she hated the name you picked out for your child?

Mother2many Thu 25-Apr-13 14:35:06

As a widow, when my son had his 1st born, he named him the longest name in the book and included the full name of his father in it!! I hated it! Actually brought me to tears. The in-laws had nothing to do with my children all their lives, and for them to have their name put on my grandsons, hurt like you wouldn't believe. My partner was not close with his family, and didn't even tell them when we had our son!!!

I talk, and cried, and explained to them, that my grandson deserves a family name...with a family that love him. The in-laws have never earned the right.

I raised him my children by myself, with no help from the in-laws at all. Not one Christmas present/birthday present, and they didn't even show up for the baby shower I held for my son and his partner!!

They did drop the name that brought me so much heart ache.

As for your grandson, why is it bothering you so much? You still had a partner to be amicable to. Yes, you raised your daughter as a single parent as I did. However, she still had a father in her life right? When/If she has a daughter perhaps she will name her after you right? So, the father would have no reason to be upset over the name either right??

JMHO

Weegiemum Thu 25-Apr-13 14:46:59

I was still in contact with my (toxic) mother when ds was born and she wa awful about me giving him my dads name as a midle name. It was part of our final falling out. Though I'm really sure you're not doing this, please don't even hint at it!

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Thu 25-Apr-13 14:50:26

Oh dear that must have felt like a slap in the face. However the more you see of your grandson the more you will forget your ex and his name won't have bad associations. Children so often have nicknames you may find one evolves over time anyway.

My mum would be devastated if my sister or i did this. My dad was a dickhead to her and whilst i'm not close to him my sister is but i doubt even she is that heartless to do it.

Not that i'm suggesting your dd is heartless! Maybe she doesn't realise how you feel about her dad? Keeping things civil is one thing but not saying actually your dad was a bit if an arse at any point may have her thinking it's fine with you?

Hopefully some of this rambling makes sense grin

lemonmuffin Thu 25-Apr-13 15:04:36

Oh love. I can see why you're upset. I would be too. Dd seems to have been a little insensitive with the name.

Could you come up with a cute little nickname for him maybe? Otherwise it might have to be a case of gritting teeth and just accepting it.

Astley Thu 25-Apr-13 16:03:26

I can't believe people on he are suggesting/ have actually managed to get their children to change the name of their children!

Pandemoniaa Thu 25-Apr-13 16:39:13

The whole of my parenting is in question.

No. It, really, truly isn't. No matter how upset you are about your dgs's name, your parenting isn't in question.

I know how difficult these situations are - my ds2 and ddil are expecting their 2nd child later this year. There is a quite reasonable chance that they will include my ex-h's name in their choices if the new baby is a boy. But if this does happen, I tend to think that far from failing ds2 as a parent, I've managed, at least, to succeed in keeping the relationship with his father a good one. Something you have clearly done too. So let's not look at failures on the parental front here, but instead, consider what you've achieved.

BellydanceMary Thu 25-Apr-13 16:49:09

Thanks everyone. I'm amazed at your responses, I think there is a lot of truth in them and some ideas for getting me out of this distructive mindset. When my son was little I used the nickname Bob, which I now use for any little boy. (It does still annoy and confuse him when I still use it - hes 25!) I used to call him Martin Bob. Maybe I could add Bob to the end of my grandson's name to soften it for me. will take me some time and effort tho'. I've always felt that my parentling was 'the best I could do'. these feeling have come out of nowhere. Also I lost my own Mum after a short illness at Christmas so still dealing with grief over that. S-Bob is a very great consolation in my grief and makes sense of the life/death cycle. Many thanks everyone

Unfortunatelyanxious Thu 25-Apr-13 16:55:30

I'm very sorry for the loss of your Mum and I know you have had good advice but I cannot bear seeing abusive ex name so can understand where your coming from.

Echocave Thu 25-Apr-13 17:54:45

As others have said, you will start to see the name totally differently as dgs grows up and it won't take long.
A similar thing happened to a friend and she's been amazed how her associations with the name have changed. Try not to get too upset and don't pressurise your dd about it.

*lunaticfringe', that sounds a very courageous way to deal with such a sad situation. I admire you. And also love your name if that's not an inappropriate thing to say in the context.

KitchenandJumble Thu 25-Apr-13 17:58:31

I can see why you are upset, but I'm sure your DD's choice of name has nothing at all to do with her feelings for you as a mother. If she has a good relationship with her dad, she may have chosen to honour him in this way.

I really wouldn't mention your response to the name to your DD, though. I like the idea of a special nickname for your grandson. Though I know that some parents become offended (bizarrely, IMO) if anyone dares to call their child by a nickname.

I'm so sorry for the loss of your mother.

CloudsAndTrees Thu 25-Apr-13 18:07:03

It sounds like you are taking something personally when it has nothing at all to do with you.

It's not a rejection of your parenting, if anything, an adult naming their own child after a parent is a strong sign that they had a great childhood. Even if the parent whose name has been used isn't the one who did most of the parenting, you would be unlikely to use either parents name if they had been instrumental in a sad childhood.

Perhaps if her baby had been a girl, it would have been named after you.

greenformica Thu 25-Apr-13 18:16:57

Soon you wont see the name as belonging to your ex but your stunning little GC. Time will help.

pigletpower Thu 25-Apr-13 18:21:16

I think your daughter has been very selfish in not even considering your feelings.I too would be hurt and I think I would make a point of not using your grandsons chosen name at all and use 'sweetheart' etc until he begins to recognise his own name.Hopefully your pain will have subsided by then.

mrsjay Thu 25-Apr-13 18:43:27

that must have felt like a slap in the face , no advice really but god poor you, call him something that is special to you use a nickname for him and hope you can manage to get over this,

OctopusWrangler Thu 25-Apr-13 18:49:51

Um. Smile and nod. Not your choice, as much as it hurts. To ask her to change her mind would be utterly rude.

OctopusWrangler Thu 25-Apr-13 18:51:22

I'd also be wary of creating a nickname, again it's the parents' job. I don't mean to sound harsh, but it's a testament to your ability to keep yourself serene that she has this choice, to throw a wobbler now, that would be the thing that should make you question yourself.

BoyMeetsWorld Thu 25-Apr-13 19:00:21

This thread has irked me...why project your issues about your ex onto your daughter & grandson?? Surely its a good thing that she loved her dad enough to do that.

& I don't remotely get how it calls your parenting into question - as others have said, did you expect her to name a boy after you? It's not choosing one over the other.

I brought my son up as a single parent too. If he one day has a child & chooses to call him after his dad (who I don't get on with and did a number of things to hurt me), I would in no way hold that against either my son or the child.

Definitely take a step back & do not let your daughter know you are thinking this.

ukatlast Thu 25-Apr-13 19:04:57

I understand your position but would you feel any less resentful if your SIL's father also had the same common name, in that it could have been chosen after someone else as well as after your ex-husband?

Altinkum Thu 25-Apr-13 19:18:10

What do you mean my single mum? Did your husband have no contact with his children?

Tbf I'd would be glad my children named their childrens after their grandparents, it means even after a separating, they both you knew you loved them.

I think you need to take your feelings out of the equations as tbh (not meaning to be harsh) this isn't about YOU, its about your DD, and her relationship with her father.

That relationship is what you all made, not just her father you all played a part is forming ad maintaining the relationship which your DD has now.

Want2bSupermum Thu 25-Apr-13 19:27:41

Going through something similiar in that we called our DS after my DF. It is a known fact that my mother and father do not get along at all therefore we told my mother of our plans to call the child my DF name if he was a boy as soon as we found out we were pregnant. My mother has been going to therapy as she doesn't want this to affect her relationship with my DGS.

My sister however decided to use the name as a middle name for her DS who was born three weeks ago. Just as my DM was coming to terms with me naming her DGS the same name as my DF my bloody sister marches in with the grace of an elephant! I felt quite bad for my mother but I did remind her that our DD has her mothers name as a middle name so she hasn't been totally overlooked. My mother is known as Tootsie and her name is Sharon. I told her straight I am not using either of those names and first or middle names for my daughters!

I get where you are coming from and it is a shame your DD didn't think to run this by you before the birth so you could have a little more time to process. You should speak to your GP about getting therapy for this. For my mother it has been really helpful in improving the relationship she has with us, her children, as well.

PlasticLentilWeaver Thu 25-Apr-13 19:40:51

I get that you are unhappy with their choice but I am struggling to see how the choice of a boy's name is any sort of rejection of you or your parenting. Unless you have a unisex type name, why would it even be considered for a boy.

If anything, the fact that you have brought your daughter up to still have enough respect for her father to want to use his name despite your bitterness towards him, is a mark of how good a job you must have done with her.

OTTMummA Thu 25-Apr-13 20:34:36

I do hope that your daughter or a friend of hers doesn't recognise this thread (if the are a MNetter) you have put some easily identifiable details in your post.

pigletpower Thu 25-Apr-13 20:43:55

Want2b-do you mean your choice of name caused your mother to go into therapy? Did you not consider changing your mind and choosing another name? Did you not realise that your choice of name was going to hurt someone?

TheRealFellatio Thu 25-Apr-13 20:48:29

I don't understand this, honestly. you say you remained reasonably amicable with her father, so what on earth is your objection? I could understand if he was a total bastard who abandoned you both forever, and she had not seen him for donkey's years, but clearly your daughter has a good relationship with him, and you managed to co-parent and stay civil to one another in spite of your differences, so.....confused

Are you saying that just because you were divorced from this man your daughter should refuse to honour him as her father?

ilovecolinfirth Thu 25-Apr-13 20:49:10

Loads of love to you. I can imagine it must be painful. Did she actually name him after her father. My grandmother was over the moon we named my son after my grandad, when really we just liked the name and didnt name him after anyone. We also hose a very common name.

Keep strong. I'm sure that your daughter values you more than you'll ever know. X x x

OTTMummA Thu 25-Apr-13 21:45:46

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OTTMummA Thu 25-Apr-13 21:47:04

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JamieandtheMagicTorch Thu 25-Apr-13 21:50:38

Can you explain a bit more?

Did your DD have contact with her father?

Was he abusive to you or her?

JamieandtheMagicTorch Thu 25-Apr-13 21:51:18

I am sorry about your mum

badguider Thu 25-Apr-13 21:53:59

How can calling a wee boy after his graddad be IN ANY WAY a reflection of your parenting or rejection of you?

It's not a competition between you and your ex husband, you say you were reasonably amicable so I assume your daughter saw her father? Surely you didn't want her to hate him?

pigletpower Thu 25-Apr-13 22:00:37

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Astley Thu 25-Apr-13 22:00:38

badguider if you're like my mother, EVERYTHING related to the Ex is banned and upsets you. Any pro Father comments are seen as personal attacks and a 'slap in the face for everything I've done for you'.

If a lightbulb goes today it'll be my DF's fault that he didn't buy a better quality bulb 20 years ago hmm Some people actually enjoy being a martyr.

JamieandtheMagicTorch Thu 25-Apr-13 22:07:52

Can we go a bit easy on her? She has said she's grieving and isn't that clear-headed.

WorrySighWorrySigh Thu 25-Apr-13 22:13:47

Dont say anything to your DD, YABU

By rejecting his name you are in a small way rejecting your DGS.

This was how I felt when DPiL took it upon themselves to be briefly arsey about DC's name.

They got over themselves but it still hurt at the time.

BlackeyedSusan Thu 25-Apr-13 22:23:41

perhaps you can dodge the issue fo a bit until the name is associated with dgs. call him some pet name, that does not make you cringe, tell people who ask that he is named after you ex (they may not inquire further) or that he is not registered yet.

Want2bSupermum Thu 25-Apr-13 22:29:03

piglet I have a complicated relationship with my mother. We knew our choice of name was going to hurt my mother but my mother has a somewhat twisted opinion of my father. We suggested therapy because she needs to move on. If the OP's ex was an absent father or abusive that is different. In my case my mother will not have a positive word uttered about my father. Her behaviour towards my father is totally irrational at best. My father continues to support her today without her knowing about it. Her car was 10 years old last year so my Dad bought her a new car (same as the one she had) in January and my brother 'gave' it to her. She complained about the colour and said she didn't like driving around in a red car! Honestly, how many exDH's buy their exW a new car 20+ years after they got divorced?!?

Having said that I think if the therapist had not been able to work with my mother we would have gone back and found another name.

OTTMummA Thu 25-Apr-13 22:31:56

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ImperialBlether Thu 25-Apr-13 22:39:19

I'm in a similar position to you, OP, re being an amicable single parent of young adult children. I feel proud of myself that my children don't know what went on within my marriage and they don't know what an utter twat my ex husband had been. I've never said anything about him unless it was favourable and I never let them say anything bad about him unless it was the sort of jokey thing they might have said if he was living here. They have a good relationship with him.

I can't understand why you are having such an extreme response and wonder whether something else is on your mind. He is your children's father and you have an amicable relationship with him. You have enabled your daughter to have a good enough relationship with him that she would name her first born child after him - you realise that's because of the work you've put in, don't you? You should be proud of yourself.

willyoulistentome Thu 25-Apr-13 22:43:06

Perhaps look at it like this. If you had had a grand daughter and your dd decided not to call her after you to save your ex's feelings, would you think that was ok?
Try not to feel hurt, and don't say anything. I'm sure there must have been lots of considerations choosing the name.

RubyGates Thu 25-Apr-13 22:44:11

Oh crap. Ds2 has both of his grandfather's names (and a great-grandfather) as part of his names. Both of our sets of parents are divorced. But our fathers are still our fathers regardless of whether they are still with our mothers. Their divorces had nothing to do with us, and don't make us any less fond of our fathers.

I didn't even think that giving DS2 the names that we have would impact on the way our mothers feel about their grandson. [something else to feel guilty about emoticon]

In fact as neither of us has seen our fathers for some time (for various reasons which have nothing to do with them being bad fathers) it was MORE important to commemorate them in DS2's names.

BellydanceMary Thu 25-Apr-13 22:44:13

If it had been a girl she would have been named after my mother.

firesideskirt Thu 25-Apr-13 22:48:38

I haven't read the thread OP, but thought I'd add my twopenneth anyway.

I think you will get used to it in time and think of it as your grandson's name, not your ex's. And the fact she has chosen it is insensitive to you, but is also testament to what a good job you have done to shield her from the pain and conflict you have borne. She must be a happier and better-balanced woman as a result. So it is a compliment to your parenting, rather than anything else. Try to put your feelings to one side for now, and they will mellow with time. Good luck.

JamieandtheMagicTorch Thu 25-Apr-13 22:58:48

Good post Imperial

dontyouwantmebaby Thu 25-Apr-13 23:02:58

i agree its a testament to how wonderfully you have brought your daughter up on your own that she feels able to do this (assuming she has chosen name for this reason). I don't think its any reflection on your parenting, quite the opposite in fact.

am so sorry to hear about the loss of your mum and it must be difficult still dealing with grief from that as well as welcoming your new grandson into the world too.

my mum brought me up on her own and I often think that without meaning to cause any hurt, children of absent parents tend to find ways to 'remember' or acknowledge their other parent in some cases (if that makes any sense!). this doesn't take ANYTHING away from you as the parent who was there for her. It sounds like your daughter will have no idea that this would hurt/affect you so much. hope that you feel better and enjoy the new addition to your family, you will be very special to him as the person who brought up his mum single-handedly x

candyandyoga Thu 25-Apr-13 23:04:06

Sorry but I think it would be very wrong of you to call the baby anything g other than his name. You need to put these feelings behind you and respect your daughter's decision.

SinisterBuggyMonth Thu 25-Apr-13 23:15:59

YABU sorry.

All too often children of divorced parents have to walk one eggshells for fear of upsetting either party. I still can't mention they name of my mums XP to my dad without him flipping out. They got divorced 27 years ago. Its only since the birth of my DS that DD will be in the same room as DMs present partner!

In a few months your DGC will have made that name his own.

yousankmybattleship Thu 25-Apr-13 23:28:07

YABU, sorry. You come accross as very selfy centered. This moment is about your daughtr and her new son and you sound rather silly to be having a hissy fit about the name. This is your grandson. Be happy.

foreverondiet Thu 25-Apr-13 23:39:34

How awful... Unless a) he has died or b) it's a family name for her DP then I think she was very thoughtless to give him the name.

I think it's ok to say something like - your baby your choice but I am going to find if very hard to get used to the name - as it's a name with do much emotion - but my problem not yours.

Yanbu. But don't ask her to reconsider name - just tell her how hard it is for you.

2rebecca Fri 26-Apr-13 00:15:53

I don't understand why you are so upset. If either of my kids has children and names them after their father it wouldn't bother me. I'm glad they have a loving relationship with him and don't see how it would be a rejection of me any more than naming a child after me would be a rejection of their father.
If my mum had stuck an extra bit on my son's name it would have annoyed me as adding bob to a name sounds a bit silly and as though you've been watching too much of the Waltons.
I could understand your reaction if he'd regularly beaten you or something but you say the break is amicable.

NoPartyDay Fri 26-Apr-13 02:35:22

Bottom line is this single mum (OP) has been amicable to her XP in the past, so was previously glossing over/denying any residual negative feelings towards her XP, for the sake of a good relationship for her daughter to her Dad.
So, maybe that's why its so hard now. It was never fully expressed and may feel kinda silly but the XP's name is bringing forth these denied emotions . Everyone's different, and we are all human. x

corblimeymadam Fri 26-Apr-13 03:24:22

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

bedhaven Fri 26-Apr-13 06:22:13

I appreciate this is hard for you, perhaps it goes to show that despite your feelings towards your ex that you never coloured your daughters view of her father. That is how it should be IMHO and wholly commendable.

My parents split and then Dad died a long time ago, my son has his name as a middle name to remember him and to include him. I hope my Mum isn't hurt by this, it is only testament to her actions that I had a relationship with my Dad and have fond memories. Using his name gives a "feeling" of closeness to my Dad. With my Mum, I don't need to create a connection it's there already.

Saying that, my Mum wasn't keen on our sons first name....it's the same as a neighbour of hers who they had a run in over our old dog 20 odd years ago! I wish she'd never told me as I hate to think she didn't like his name. I'm sure my sweet boy has overridden any unpleasant associations.

I know it's harder when it's someone closer but your DGS will make this name his own. Change the picture that is linked to the name to a new one, mentally tear up the old picture and put it in the bin. The new picture is a delightful boy, much more pleasant to look at. You're in this picture, right by his side.

CinnabarRed Fri 26-Apr-13 07:17:00

Bit harsh to criticise the OP's DD as thoughtless. The OP herself characterised her relationship with XH as amicable and has been sideswiped by the strength of her negative feelings towards the name - there's no way on earth the DD could have predicted the OP's reaction, particularly as it's a common name that must crop up for OP in RL all the time.

samandi Fri 26-Apr-13 08:10:56

Wow, that's incredibly insensitive of your daughter. Not petty at all.

TheRealFellatio Fri 26-Apr-13 08:59:42

well, quite CinnabarRed. I am finding some of the reactions to this non problem quite worrying. Some people seem to be seeing the words 'exH' and 'divorce' and automatically projecting onto them some hugely traumatic (imagined) backstory where the H was an awful abusive pig and the OP was the heroic victim. We know nothing of the sort. All we know is that two people divorced, they maintained an amicable relationship for their children, and the daughter has a good relationship with her father.

I fail to see how there is a huge issue of betrayal and insensitivity here. confused I can understand that the OP may be struggling with a slightly irrational reaction, but that's just it - it is an irrational reaction. To foist the blame onto the daughter and call her insensitive is grossly unfair.

mrsjay Fri 26-Apr-13 09:01:17

I don't think the dd is heartless or insensitve to her mum I think the DD idolises her dad and the OP is gutted as she seemed to be main carer as a single parent for the dd, and the name sticks in her throat which is understandable imo, sometimes absent parents are hero worshipped by children arn't they , OP just try and get over this and celebrate your new grand son regardless of his name

newgirl Fri 26-Apr-13 09:13:00

Hang on - your daughter has had a baby and you are making this all about you and your feelings? You sound self-centred tbh

Jeez stop moaning and go and make her a lasagne

Astley Fri 26-Apr-13 09:47:31

I think it says something when the DD is called 'insensitive' for using the name she wanted for her own child hmm she called him after her Father, whom at one point the OP loved enough to marry and have a child with.

Heaven forbid, maybe her Father has been such a good Father to her she wanted to honour him. But no, it must be that the OP allowed her to have such a good relationship with her Father, that really, it's a compliment to the OP shock wtf?!

Asheth Fri 26-Apr-13 11:18:00

I'm quite surprised to hear so many people say that the DD was insensitive. It's hardly unusual to name a DS after your dad. One of my DSs has my Dad's name as a middle name. My parents are still together, but he would be no less my Dad if they'd separated. This child is not named after the OP's Ex. He's named after the mother's Dad.

diddl Fri 26-Apr-13 11:24:32

Well I think for some people it is unusual & for some it isn't tbh.

If I'd done it for example, it would have been the first in living memory!

My son does have the same middle name as his father my FIL though-we carried on with that-although wouldn't have done if I hadn't liked the name.

Won't really care if son has a son & doesn't do it though.

SooticaTheWitchesCat Fri 26-Apr-13 11:24:52

It must be hard for you but I think you need to start calling your grandson by his name, not shortening it or adding Bob to the end. After a while you will begin to associate the name with your grandson and not your ex.

It will be hard for a while but soon enough it wont worry you any more.

samandi Fri 26-Apr-13 15:11:43

well, quite CinnabarRed. I am finding some of the reactions to this non problem quite worrying. Some people seem to be seeing the words 'exH' and 'divorce' and automatically projecting onto them some hugely traumatic (imagined) backstory where the H was an awful abusive pig and the OP was the heroic victim.

I haven't assumed anything of the kind.

soundevenfruity Fri 26-Apr-13 15:24:19

DS did just that despite all the grief he gave them and DM loved her grandson dearly. Just give it time. You will love him and if you won't let it it won't affect your relationships with him. DM was a very wise woman and amazing this way. sad

LadyBeagleEyes Fri 26-Apr-13 15:27:55

I don't understand either Op.
And I'm divorced, it wasn't amicable at the time though it's fine now.
My ds loves his Dad, if he wanted to use his name, I would just think how pleased my ex would be.

Borntobeamum Fri 26-Apr-13 16:32:45

My friend has just had a baby boy and given him the name -
Double barrelled at that.....

Lord-Luca.

TheRealFellatio Fri 26-Apr-13 16:56:36

so samedi how do you justify this?

Wow, that's incredibly insensitive of your daughter. Not petty at all.

WorrySighWorrySigh Fri 26-Apr-13 21:02:46

The OP's daughter will have known what her father was called. The thing is that to her that isnt her name for him. I guess that like most daughters she will have called her father 'Dad' or something similar.

samandi Fri 26-Apr-13 22:32:00

so samedi how do you justify this?

Because it seems bloody obvious that if they're separated and the daughter's mother has been the primary carer it seems like a kick in the face. A rather unnecessary one, given how many male names there are in the world.

Perhaps I'm just more emotionally intelligent than some people hmm

samandi Fri 26-Apr-13 22:32:49

To add, I don't mean the daughter has done it maliciously ... just that she clearly hasn't thought it out.

2rebecca Fri 26-Apr-13 22:44:12

If couples separate women are usually the main carers. I think it's sad you assume all divorced women would feel upset if one of their children named their son after their father. They chose to father a child with that man after all. Many divorced women aren't that spiteful and would be glad their child has a good bond with their father. Many divorces are instigated by women anyway.
As a divorced woman to me it isn't at all obvious that years later we should be pining for our exhusbands and unable to cope with a grandchild having the same name as him.

OTTMummA Fri 26-Apr-13 22:45:54

I think she probably has thought it through,, it being a very important task, naming your first baby and all that!
Why is it a kick in the face? Clearly they had an amicable relationship, I think its lovely to use family names tbh, why shouldn't the DD use it?
Or is this like when mothers guilt their children into not inviting their dads to weddings etc just because they don't want them involved ( reads think only they get to enjoy the nice bits of having children)
The ops relationship with her ex is completely separate from the DDs relationship with her dad.
She should be able to have a guilt free relationship with him, and to also be able to call her son whatever she likes!

I still think the op put this here so her DD or a friend would see it tbh, which makes me all sneery.

WorrySighWorrySigh Fri 26-Apr-13 22:50:49

The OP's daughter has two parents, not just the OP. Why should she have to not choose her DF's name?

I am afraid I would have nothing but contempt for any GP expressing dislike of a brand new DGC's name in any way likely to come back to the parents. GP's have had their chance to choose names with their own children. Commenting anything but positively on the names chosen by their DCs is an impertinence.

LadyBeagleEyes Fri 26-Apr-13 22:50:59

More emotionally intelligent Samandi?
You just sound bitter.

MortifiedAdams Fri 26-Apr-13 22:56:11

OP she had a boy. If she had a girl she might have used your name?

"Can't cope" makes you sound a bit mad tbh - there is a healthy baby boy in this world, your dd has become a mother and you a grandmother. Pull yourself together.

candyandyoga Fri 26-Apr-13 23:01:58

Don't ever say my anything to your daughter about how you feel about this as how you feel is very self centred and wrong! Agree with those who say you should pull yourself together. Yabvu to feel like this.

sweetestcup Fri 26-Apr-13 23:07:12

Unless there are some deep seated reasons that Im not getting regarding your separation I think you are being a bit dramatic really. Even if he has been the shittiest husband in the world hes still your DDs Dad, and she must have a reasonable relationship with him to have named her son after him after all.....really not getting the "whole of my parenting is in question" statement - do you think you have done something wrong? confused

MsJupiterJones Fri 26-Apr-13 23:10:15

Please tell her, kindly. Or decide you can cope with it and call him by his name often.

My mum won't tell me why she can't say my son's name. He's six months old and she winces, shudders, goes to every length to avoid it. It hurts me so much. If she had said on the first day, please don't call him that, it will cause me pain, I wouldn't have. But she won't acknowledge there is a problem while at the same time making it clear there is one. Please, please don't do the same.

samandi Fri 26-Apr-13 23:11:29

The OP's daughter has two parents, not just the OP. Why should she have to not choose her DF's name?

Er, because it is her mother that has brought her up.

Many divorced women aren't that spiteful

I don't read the OP as being spiteful at all. Hurt, yes.

Clearly they had an amicable relationship

A reasonably amicable relationship.

*More emotionally intelligent Samandi?
You just sound bitter.*

Why on earth would I be bitter about this situation? confused

~

I honestly find it very hard to comprehend how anyone could not understand why this could be a potentially hurtful situation.

morethanpotatoprints Fri 26-Apr-13 23:19:47

Hello OP.

I think you should tell your dd how you feel, because I believe in honesty and also MsJupiter gives you the best reason to tell her.
I'm sure your dd will understand or at least try to reason with you and explain. She may not even have considered that you would be offended because you have brought her up well, without bitterness on your part.
I think you should be proud of her, but tell her and then try to get on with it, for all your sakes.

propertyNIGHTmareBEFOREXMAS Fri 26-Apr-13 23:27:52

Yanbu. It was a pretty insensitive name for your dd to choose sad. Just accept you are sad about it and explain why to dd (in a non confrontational way).

Kewcumber Fri 26-Apr-13 23:28:04

I am the child of bitterly divorced paretns and so I would never consider naming any child of mine after either of them. However my mother made it perfectly clear how she felt about my father so I wasn;t in any doubt.

You should take great pride in the fact that your daughter is totally unaware of how you feel about her father OR she is so far removed from him that she doesn;t consider that she has named her DS after her father OR she is a thoughtless cow.

I suspect that you probably know which is the answer.

I named my DS after my great grandfather - well thats what I told that side of the family. In truth I just liked the name and would have called him that anyway whatever my grandfather was called.

Anyway plod on and soon it will be his name not your ex's.

Salmotrutta Fri 26-Apr-13 23:43:25

Your daughter is also her fathers daughter OP.

You say you have remained reasonably amicable with your Ex?

Presumably your DD has a good relationship with him?

So why on earth should she not name the baby after him? confused?

Unless you suddenly start saying to your DD - "Well actually, your father was a complete twat and I hated him" you can hardly object?

Was he a decent dad to her?

And samandi - I don't understand. Do you know more about this family than we do? I'm assuming that OP and her EX split but he remained in the DDs life. Amicable split etc. so presumably he isn't an out and out bastard?

Salmotrutta Fri 26-Apr-13 23:48:12

I don't understand why people are saying the DD is insensitive etc.

We have no idea why the OP and her EX split.

Maybe they simply stopped caring about each other. Maybe he was a philanderer. Maybe the OP was a philanderer. Maybe life kicked them in the ass. We don't know.

We don't know anything other than the OPs first post. On that alone I'd say why shouldn't the DD name the baby after her dad? confused

OTTMummA Fri 26-Apr-13 23:58:18

Maybe you do not have the emotional intelligence required to stop you projecting onto different situations?
It is considerably less damaging to not let ones personal disdain and contempt colour our children's perspective regarding their fathers.

Salmotrutta Sat 27-Apr-13 00:08:14

Yes, I agree with OTTMum - emotional intelligence requires having the ability to see things from * everyones* perspective.

Not just your own.

Salmotrutta Sat 27-Apr-13 00:08:45

Highlight fail <sigh>

TheRealFellatio Sat 27-Apr-13 05:13:10

samandi I completely disagree with you that it is a 'kick in the face.' At lest without having much more specific and damning evidence from the OP of the father's crimes.

The mother presumably chose to be the primary carer - as most mothers do. She may not have chosen to end up alone - perhaps he walked out on them. But I'm pretty sure she would have chosen to keep the children with her. That doesn't mean the father did not want or bother to care for his DCs too, in whatever small way he could, given that he was not able to live with them every day.

Contrast that with a situation where the mother wants to end the marriage and the man has no choice but lose his wife, his children and his home - through no fault of his own. Just because she decides, and it is assumed by all and sundry that the children should stay with her. Do you think that mother has the right to demand extra loyalty and not be 'kicked in the teeth' by an insensitive daughter as well? And what should the daughter be doing for her father, to balance the books and make amends for the hurtful decisions of her mother? hmm

Children cannot and should not be used or manipulated in this way. I know it's very hard, if you have perceive yourself as the wounded party, but part of the job of being a good parent.

It's a sad consequence of divorce that one or other of the parents (usually the mother) gets the lion's share of the hard work and the hassles of single parenting, but that comes with the privilege of having the DCs with them every day, which is almost always the way women want it. The complicated and emotive reasons for the marriage breakdown need to be put aside - it is not a question of blame, or rights, or consolation prizes, or point scoring. Children have two parents to love and respect, and even if one parent is not always as deserving of that respect as they could be, it is not for anyone else to tell tell a child how much to love a parent.

Millions of men are deeply unhappy about be forced by circumstance to live apart from their children - as I imagine you or I would be if the situation were forced upon us. Ok, so they don't have all the daily crap and inconveniences that single mums have, but do you think, if they desperately love and miss their children, that they care about that?

You make it sound as though once parents are divorced the children must spend the rest of their lives viewing everything as one big power play competition, with themselves as the prize, and that they should have to choose to show allegiance to one parent over another. I think that is very wrong indeed.

TheRealFellatio Sat 27-Apr-13 05:14:32

oh so many typos, and missed or extraneous words - sorry.

DoctorAnge Sat 27-Apr-13 08:19:11

She loves her Dad, obviously.

I wish my stepchildren had a Mother like you who nurtured a loving relationship with their father instead of demonising him for no reason.

sarahtigh Sat 27-Apr-13 09:07:18

I understand a bit of annoyance but do not give your new grandson a nickname or add bob

I am not an advocate of sharing your feelings with daughter because if you say can't it be his middle name and she says no ... you are worse off than before, also your SIL might just really love the name too so it might not be totally about being her DF's name

there are always threads about people being annoyed at close family/close friends not calling baby by given name if he is called James he may be called jim/ jimmy later but if parents always call him James you can't really start calling him Jim, nicknames develop other time and mostly with school / friends

springyhappychick Sat 27-Apr-13 10:57:16

I can understand you having the collywobbles about her using his name, but I can't understand it feeling like a rejection. That seems off to me.

I say this gently: your kids aren't yours. Even if you brought them up - admirably by the sound of it - they don't belong to you. They aren't the reward for what you've done, the hard work you put in. I suppose I can only say this because my kids have turned out to be bad 'uns, despite my careful parenting. (I live in hope that things might change.)

I don't know how close you are to her, but if you find it unbearable to even say the name, then perhaps you could address the issue with her before things are set in stone. Go carefully though, try not to make the whole thing heavily-laden (re 'rejection'). Perhaps you could say you are very sorry, but you feel very uncomfortable with the name, you don't want to cause upset etc.

I'm very sorry to hear you've lost your mum. Perhaps this could account for your raw feelings to an extent.

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