To be genuinely curious about how some people manage to get the world revolving around them?

(61 Posts)
doritosmonster Thu 25-Apr-13 10:15:40

And usually when they're not really that nice a person?

Before I start, I'm not jealous, or bitter, or anything like that, I am just genuinely curious about this. Psychology/people watching fascinates me, but I just cannot fathom this out.

I met a group of women at an antenatal group when I had my three year old DS; there are five of us. There was a sixth member but she moved abroad about 18 months ago. One member of the group is a stereotypical 'popular girl'. She is very full of herself and extremely self absorbed. She never does anything for anyone else or even really listens to anyone else. Everything she does is right, and everybody else is wrong, whether this is about weaning, prams (she had the most expensive/best pram of the group, naturally), preschools, schools, brands of clothing, which hairdressers to go to, everything! It doesn't matter that some of us have older children and so know more about lots of parenting issues than she does, she just lectures us all, all the time. She also makes a lot of put down comments. Things along the lines of "Oh you've chosen X School for your child have you? Oh well, as long as you're happy with your choice it doesn't matter about its reputation I suppose". Or (directed to child) "Look at you all decked out in Next clothes for once. Nice to see mummy makes an effort with you sometimes".

What I find is that everything we do as a group has to centre around what she wants. Someone suggests soft play. Alpha's child doesn't like it so we can't go. Someone else suggests lunch out. Alpha agrees but we have to go after 2pm as Alpha is so very busy that day. I'm easy going generally and am usually happy to go along with things, however it's happening more and more that everything has to accommodate this woman.

From what I've gathered, this woman's family are like it with her too; her parents will do anything for her at any time, and she even has her 15 year old next door neighbour clamouring to babysit for her all the time. Plus she is on my Facebook friends and when I've looked at her wall before she has no end of people on there sucking up to her, asking her to go on nights out, sending her flowers, all kinds of stuff.

I just don't understand why people like this woman have so many people at their beck and call, and basically queuing up to be their friend/to do things for them. Also, how on earth do people like this hold onto friends? I class her as an acquaintance, and am happy to chat to her at meets, but there is no way I'd suck up to someone to be their friend, or try to curry favour with them.

Anyone else know anyone like that?

madonnawhore Thu 25-Apr-13 10:24:22

Yeah DP's ex is a bit like this. She's got a brass neck. I think she's like it because she genuinely doesn't give a shit about anybody else. Unfortunately her daughter is included in that.

Most people modify their behaviour because they care about how it will impact other people. She doesn't, because she doesn't care. As long as she's alright no one else matters.

DP was in a nasty car accident on his way to pick up DSD from hers one Friday night. She hit the roof. Because it meant she had to delay the time she was planning on going out. She didn't even ask him, the father of her child, if he was okay until the day after.

Some people are just idiots.

You're enabling your acquaintance by letting her dictate everything. If you don't even like her or like hanging out with her that much then why bother changing your plans to make sure she's included? Just say 'Oh well, shame you can't make it, we're all going to soft play at this time. See you later'.

ImTooHecsyForYourParty Thu 25-Apr-13 10:25:35

because other people let them.

People can only get away with what others let them get away with.

doritosmonster Thu 25-Apr-13 10:27:54

Madonnawhore, that's awful! I hope your DP is ok now. The ex sounds like a cow!

It's not my call really tbh; there are others in the group that are happy to go along with her. If I started saying 'shame you can't make it, we're going to soft play' I'd look unkind. I'm not sure the others would go along with it either really.

What Hecsy said.

Some people like this have found me less appealing as a friend since I started to call them on it and be less obliging to their controlling.

YouTheCat Thu 25-Apr-13 10:33:21

Get better friends?

The Alpha one sounds like a cow with her snide comments and the rest are a bunch of sheep.

madonnawhore Thu 25-Apr-13 10:33:36

Well you're free to pick your friends.

Personally I'd find the situation really annoying and would probably take a step back from the group as a whole. Maybe try and cultivate relationships with the other individuals separately. Some people can just let stuff like this wash over them. But I have a really low tolerance for twatty behaviour.

doritosmonster Thu 25-Apr-13 10:34:19

I think I have a low tolerance for it too tbh.

I am not easily taken in by people, and often see peoples' true colours when others don't or choose not to

Sugarice Thu 25-Apr-13 10:36:10

She sounds a rude pain in the arse!

Are those snotty comments regarding the school and Next clothing aimed at you only?

If she's getting on your nerves and you're fed up of her general sense of superiority start to distance yourself and let the other women follow her around like sheep if that's what they want to do.

Be assertive and call her on her attitude.

DeWe Thu 25-Apr-13 10:37:11

BIl's like that. I think he just assumes he's the centre of everyone's universe really.
I've seen once or twice where he hasn't been treated with the respect he feels he deserves (but is what everyone else would get) and he's been terribly indignant. Yes you are an ex-member of that organisation which sees 4-500 people in that position every year. They were not going to get the bagpipes out and piped you through the building proclaiming "THE GREAT BIL HAS RETURNED-REJOYCE" Are they? Apparently they should... confused

doritosmonster Thu 25-Apr-13 10:38:30

No,not just aimed at me, Sugarice. She's like that with everybody. The others seem to take it though and to thrive on it and try to get even more pally with her.

If I call her on her attitude I don't know if it would do much good as I'd end up looking like the bad guy, but I think distancing myself from the group in general is a good idea.

MoreBeta Thu 25-Apr-13 10:41:18

The answer to the question is here:

"One member of the group is a stereotypical 'popular girl'. She is very full of herself and extremely self absorbed. She never does anything for anyone else or even really listens to anyone else. Everything she does is right, and everybody else is wrong."

Basically she only associates with people that agree with her and freezes out or ignores everyone else. It is called narcissism. People like this tend to end up running firms and organisations or in politics.

flossieraptor Thu 25-Apr-13 10:43:10

Some of it is a confidence trick. People hang around her because they think she is generating lots of social activity and they want to be involved, or at least have the option of being involved.

You say her fb page has lots of people sucking up to her and that just might say it all really. Are they just posting positive stuff to keep their toe in the door with her, or are they generally involved in her life in any more profound way.

doritosmonster Thu 25-Apr-13 10:48:37

MoreBeta, I think you're right that she seeks out people that will agree with her and that will join in with her 'show'.

Flossie, I think they are doing it to keep their toe in the door with her. Some write loads on her wall, and she often gets random bunches of flowers and will then put a pic on Facebook with the sender tagged and they'll reply something like "you deserve them, lovely lady". Other times I've noticed she just ignores peoples' replies to her statuses and ignores their posts on her wall. I think she just likes to collect bum kissers. I don't understand why they all keep going though. Surely most adults come to a point where they 'give' in a friendship and get nothing back ever so just stop trying, whilst the people she knows never seem to stop trying.

RiffyWammal Thu 25-Apr-13 10:50:08

I've known a few people like this - really obnoxious, selfish and inconsiderate but with loads of friends who seem to revere them. It seems to me that these friends are usually weak characters who are not very deep thinkers; they are dazzled by how the 'revolvee' acts like the world revolves around her and that she is all-important and fabulous, and assume that as she acts like that then she must be that if you see what I mean. It's down to confidence, basically. The 'revolver' subconsciously hopes that some of the 'revolvee's' confidence and popularity rubs off on them, and is afraid to upset them in case they lose that popularity by proxy, which continues the cycle of other weaker people being pulled into the 'revolvee's' circle as they too observe how popular she is.

Have you noticed how these 'Alpha' types always seem to be surrounded by other people? They're never on their own - or if they are, they talk endlessly about their other friends as if to remind you how important and popular they are. Years ago I had a big public fall out with one of these 'Alphas' when I had enough of her crappy attitude, and the reaction of the others in her sycophantic circle was very interesting; they seemed astounded, like they couldn't believe I'd stood up to her, and some of them said privately to me that she had hurt their feelings in a similar way. Then they all quietly froze me out and stayed loyal to her. I figured that I didn't need friends like that anyway and was much happier.

doritosmonster Thu 25-Apr-13 10:53:58

I think you are right, Riffy. People are easily taken in by their behaviour and confidence.

What I've noticed with this woman is she's not necessarily surrounded by people, she seems to be a 'one man band' in a way and keeps everybody at arm's length. She is very aloof, and won't get involved in, for example, offering anyone any support if they are feeling low, or organising anything. She seems to just saunter her way through life with people kissing her feet and clamouring to be her friend. Then the less she gives back, the more and more they try. She is fairly attractive, I wonder if that makes a difference?

doritosmonster Thu 25-Apr-13 10:55:19

Riffy, I have a feeling that if I was to stand up to her, I would have a similar experience to the once you've had.

madonnawhore Thu 25-Apr-13 10:56:51

It seems to me that these friends are usually weak characters who are not very deep thinkers

Yeah, this. Or they're also vapid and shallow and the friendship is paper thin and mutually beneficial.

Sounds to me OP like you have pretty good self esteem and the other sheep don't.

doritosmonster Thu 25-Apr-13 12:03:01

I think you're probably right madonnawhore. Although in all honesty I can't see/understand what anyone gets from friendships with those types? Maybe just the 'prestige' of being known as that person's friend?

quoteunquote Thu 25-Apr-13 12:48:08

The only reason she is on your social radar is because you tolerate it,

She never does anything for anyone else or even really listens to anyone else

Why would she? she has no need to, she has an attentive audience already, she doesn't need to respond, she already has all of your undivided attention.

Everything she does is right, and everybody else is wrong

Of course it is, no one has contradicted her.

whether this is about weaning, prams (she had the most expensive/best pram of the group, naturally)

because she has to, as she is too insecure not to.

preschools, schools, brands of clothing, which hairdressers to go to, everything

In her opinion,

It doesn't matter that some of us have older children and so know more about lots of parenting issues than she does

This is when you use your mona lisa smile, nod and raise your eyebrows, then smirk,

she just lectures us all, all the time

only because you let her,

. She also makes a lot of put down comments. Things along the lines of "Oh you've chosen X School for your child have you? Oh well, as long as you're happy with your choice it doesn't matter about its reputation I suppose"

Oh what have you heard,do tell me more? Are you happy with yours? Jolly good then.

Or (directed to child) "Look at you all decked out in Next clothes for once. Nice to see mummy makes an effort with you sometimes

Ha ha you are funny, mummy doesn't give a monkey about clothes, it's amazing how you notice, do you spend a lot of time thinking about children's clothes?

You lot have not given her an inch, you gave her next ten miles.

No I don't have any such moppets on my radar, they either change tack to something tolerable, or disappear to find someone who will put up ridiculous tedious behaviour.

KellyElly Thu 25-Apr-13 12:53:14

You say her fb page has lots of people sucking up to her and that just might say it all really. Are they just posting positive stuff to keep their toe in the door with her, or are they generally involved in her life in any more profound way. << Couldn't agree more with this!

KellyElly Thu 25-Apr-13 12:53:54

Basically she only associates with people that agree with her and freezes out or ignores everyone else. It is called narcissism. People like this tend to end up running firms and organisations or in politics. << sorry try again, I meant this!

doritosmonster Thu 25-Apr-13 13:08:30

Haha great post, quoteunquote!

Much as I'd like to contradict her, or say the things you've suggested (and do the mona lisa smirk!!) I know if I do, then I would 100% be the bad guy, both with her and with others.

curryeater Thu 25-Apr-13 13:15:01

I am really interested that question. I think to some extent that people often get the treatment they expect. Expecting people to grovel towards you may make some people (those so inclined) grovel, and those less inclined stay away?
You see all this drivel on her FB page, but you don't see the other people who have passed through her life, shrugged, and walked off to get on with their own thing.

digerd Thu 25-Apr-13 13:17:40

From what you say about her, I wouldn't be conned by her and wouldn't want to be friends with her 'cronies' either.

How can these friends/followers see in her what isn't there and not see what is? confused

kerala Thu 25-Apr-13 13:24:40

The frightening thing is how early this starts. DD is 7 and there is one of these in her class. She is pretty and clever I can see she would be quite good fun but is utterly vile as well - saying nasty things to other children, really cruel things, but under the teachers/parents radar. Yet many girls clamour to be her friend, she has a couple of loyal lieutenants who trot after her and most of the boys are in thrall to her as well. I wonder if its innate in some people and dearly wish that the majority of normal people would turn their backs on those that are like this and it would take all their power away. But it never seems to happen. Any psychiatrists out there care to explain smile.

doritosmonster Thu 25-Apr-13 13:27:18

I can imagine that the woman I know was just like the child you have described when she was younger, kerala. In fact she is like is now really; pretty, clever, good fun at times, but has an incredibly toxic side.

I often wonder if people are attracted to 'attractive' people, and will overlook their personality flaws more readily than they will overlook personality flaws of more average looking individuals.

quoteunquote Thu 25-Apr-13 13:51:00

I know if I do, then I would 100% be the bad guy, both with her and with others.

I say this often, here and in real life,

Life is NOT a popularity contest

There are seven billion people on the planet, if you are unfortunate enough to come across one of the vile ones, discard and save your energy for the positive good ones.

That way you end up spending your very short one life energy surround by wonderful good people, and you do not encourage and enable the boring poisonous ones.

Think of your life as a garden, at the moment you are allowing a massive climbing bramble, to spread itself across your garden unabated, cut it back, let it grow out of sight , behind the shed, beyond the compost, and check it once a year for blackberries, before you cut it back to the ground.

Sprite21 Thu 25-Apr-13 13:53:54

Sounds like my sister. She's been diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder but of course she doesn't agree and thinks she's smarter than the psychologist who diagnosed her.
I agree that at root a lot of it stems from insecurity but it is infuriating to be around. She's not negative towards other people though, just self-centred to an incredible extent.
You can't change their behaviour but you can set limits on what you will put up with.
If you're just going along with what she wants and not saying anything then you are essentially enabling it.
You might be surprised how many of your friends agree.
Or you might get ousted from the group.. It's a risk.

I had a "friend" like this as a teenager, I hung around her because she was the cool one that all the boys wanted. Looking back now I realise I had low self esteem and although I didn't even like her that much I wanted her to like me!. It was like an abusive relationship in a way, she didn't like me, I didn't like her but we needed each other IYSWIM?
It didn't take me long to wake up and step back, I hear she is still the same now many years later.

HoppinMad Thu 25-Apr-13 14:19:51

I am also interested in this subject as it intrigues me how certain popular individuals have others gravitate towards them and have them do things almost as if by hypnosis.
These people (mainly women i've found) have this air about them, and ooze charm and confidence. They are pretty and have pretty things. MOST have a horrible vile side but some actually dont (I am a teensy ennvious of those type I have to admit, as.they seem to have it all).

But in regards to the popular but vile women, I personally refuse to be an arse wipe to anyone so have found myself excluded from many such social groups. Quite annoying as I'm pretty shy so find it hard to make friends anyway, but I couldnt tolerate being friends with such people and would rather keep my self-respect!

It would be great if everybody would snub these types and treat them as they deserve to be treated but sadly that wont happen.

WyrdMother Thu 25-Apr-13 14:24:30

I've just started reading "Queen Bee's and Wannabees" as it was recommended on here, your description of your "Queen Bee" is ringing a lot of bells and I've known a few in real life to.

Just insecurity and immaturity I think, I don't engage, polite disinterest and a willingness to do what you want even if it means doing it on your own seems to work.

AnyoneforTurps Thu 25-Apr-13 14:37:42

YANBU. One of the great mysteries of life is why we tend to treat people as they expect to be treated, rather than as they deserve. So a lovely, generous person who is self-effacing will be treated as a doormat whereas the queen bee type (or male equivalent) gets it all her own way. Enraging.

kerala Thu 25-Apr-13 14:51:03

Read The Robber Bride by Margaret Atwood. Its about a woman like this but she actually sets out to destroy other womens lives. Its fascinating - in my head I always call this type of woman "Zenia" name of the main character in this book <sorry book club type thread derail>.

About the abusive relationship type comment that is so true and scary in that I see it in my daughters classmates vying to be the evil ones friend. Shes horrid to them but they trot after her. Why do they not just all bin her off?

Tenacity Thu 25-Apr-13 15:56:33

I think a combination of factors contribute to the scenario you described OP. I think there are three main factors at play here. There are factors that relate to the alpha female herself, her 'followers', and lastly societal factors. These are all interlinked and complicated. The social theory discusses this to an extent.
Also the higher the individual's preference for hierarchy and domination (social dominance orientation theory), the more likely they are to want to dominate.
There are so many theories that explain human behaviour, but in my humble opinion, fear overrides a lot of human behaviour. For the 'wanna be' alpha female, the fear of being at the bottom pile, and the resultant loss of status, self esteem and perhaps their standing within a social group, can indeed be a powerful motivator.
Similarly, 'the followers' have the same issue. Ostracisation, standing out from the group (groupthink theory)', adherence to the social dominance theory serves to keep them nicely in line.
It does take a lot of guts, self esteem, courage and independence to challenge the status quo. wink
Thankfully, some people have plenty of that.

doritosmonster Thu 25-Apr-13 21:35:17

I think you're right with what you have said, Tenacity. It's interesting that the alpha female and her followers may all have a similar issue and be acting from the same emotions/fears

KneeDeepinPoo Thu 25-Apr-13 22:03:02

these friends are usually weak characters who are not very deep thinkers

^^ this is do true. Unfortunately it does mean that if you do anything to upset her, you will be ousted from the group for sure. It happened to me. The woman was actually defined as a sociopath...gregarious, funny, attractive....but manipulative and bitchy in the extreme.

Noseynoonoo Thu 25-Apr-13 22:16:33

I could have written the OP - my antenatal group was exactly the same. I hacked it for almost 4 years. I had withdrawn myself from larger group activities for quite a while but when I declined to attend an Easter Egg hunt on a cold wet day I found myself de-friended on Facebook by Queen-Bee and her lieutenant and have met up with 2 of the group on one occasion since. It has not been any loss of any sort. It was a total relief.

I am very bad at sucking up to Queen Bees. As a result I definitely have less friends. I do however have some fab friends who would never put up with such shenanigans.

drjohnsonscat Thu 25-Apr-13 22:23:47

those people are dreadful but tbh so are the people who facilitate them, hanging off their every word and taking their judgments as gospel.

I can't bear the attention seeking and the narcissism. Nothing makes me switch off faster - but I notice that other people do respond to it.

I'm also very bored by drama - I have one dear friend who is a total drama llama. She'll send me an email saying "you won't believe the latest" and I am supposed to jump in with a "What? What? Do tell!" but it just makes me disengage.

doritosmonster Thu 25-Apr-13 22:26:06

I too am bad at sucking up to Queen Bees, Noseynoonoo. And I too have far less friends than those who are willing to suck up. I was looking tonight at the FB page of a woman at the school who I'd say is also a little bit of a queen bee, and there is so much sucking up going on there too from other school mums; lots of photos of her posing and people saying how gorgeous she is, and lots of attention seeking statuses about what she's bought, how much it cost, and all that malarkey. And this is from a 40 year old woman, not a teenager.

deepfriedsage Thu 25-Apr-13 22:26:10

I agree, these queen bee types are not quite right personality wise. The sheep will have a low self esteem, I was once a sheep, not any more and I feel very sorry for people who waste their energy and time on such parasites as the Queen Bee.

I like the brambles post, hack it back OP, go and plant beautiful flowers instead, use your energy to cultivate nice people around you.

doritosmonster Thu 25-Apr-13 22:27:34

drjohnsonscat, I am the same as you; drama and attention seeking immediately makes me disengage. I just can't be good friends, or even casual friends, with someone who wants constant attention and validation.

WishIdbeenatigermum Thu 25-Apr-13 22:28:53

Meh. Try being related to one! At least you can chose your friends. It's very hard listening to the same bitchy nonsense for years and worse watching your dcs biting their tongues. grin and [anger]

doritosmonster Thu 25-Apr-13 22:30:47

I think I will pull back from the group deepfriedsage. I've been reflecting upon it all today and I really can't be arsed with it all any longer. I think perhaps I'll arrange a couple of smaller meet ups (at soft play as queen bee definitely won't want to go there) with a couple of other members, or maybe invite another member round to lunch on a one to one basis or something.

I've never been brilliant in groups if truth be told, as they always inevitably turn into a bum licking fest,

doritosmonster Thu 25-Apr-13 22:31:54

I think I will pull back from the group deepfriedsage. I've been reflecting upon it all today and I really can't be arsed with it all any longer. I think perhaps I'll arrange a couple of smaller meet ups (at soft play as queen bee definitely won't want to go there) with a couple of other members, or maybe invite another member round to lunch on a one to one basis or something.

I've never been brilliant in groups if truth be told, as they always inevitably turn into a bum licking fest,

puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE Thu 25-Apr-13 22:36:17

I'm in the process of telling someone this is what they are like and that I no longer want to be friends with them.

I am already feeling the backlash of having dared not want to be her friend, and I expect its going to get worse.

Ah well, at the end of the day I won't have to see her anymore.

drjohnsonscat Thu 25-Apr-13 22:38:39

I know you only posted out of curiosity but it sounds as though you've also been thinking about what you need...and come to the conclusion you don't need this! Good decision I think. I find it quite empowering to walk away from that stuff.

drjohnsonscat Thu 25-Apr-13 22:40:04

Meant to add, it's interesting that these friendships often form in antenatal groups! You meet when you are feeling vulnerable and you need each other but as you get to grips with your life, you get your own perspective on things and realise you don't need that stuff any more.

doritosmonster Thu 25-Apr-13 22:42:55

Good luck Puds11, I hope you manage to break away from her.

Thank you drjohnson, I too think I needed a bit of a lightbulb moment. I agree, it's funny how those friendships often form in antenatal groups. I'm getting to the stage where I don't need the support from it anymore now my youngest is getting older.

expatinscotland Thu 25-Apr-13 22:50:32

What Hecsy said.

Find some new friends.

doritosmonster Fri 26-Apr-13 09:56:45

Yes am definitely going to, expatinscotland. Or at least stop going to group meet ups where this woman will be.

RiffyWammal Fri 26-Apr-13 11:03:09

Good for you, doritosmonster! Are you going to quietly disengage from your Alpha or will you confront her and tell her why you're ending the friendship? I favour the latter. And not just because I want to hear a blow by blow account of it, oh no! smile

Be aware, my Alpha was excellent at turning herself into the victim when I confronted her - she sobbed to her flock of sheep and made me out to be a deranged bitch. Grrr I'm getting angry again remembering it and it happened more than ten years ago!

doritosmonster Fri 26-Apr-13 11:18:12

I think I'll do it discreetly but, well, if Alpha asks why I've stopped bothering with her, or if anyone else does I might just have to let them know why wink

JohnSnowsTie Fri 26-Apr-13 13:27:31

I know a couple of people like this. One in particular tends to need constant sympathetic attention, and whilst it's one thing helping a true friend through a difficult time, it's quite another when someone becomes accustomed to the molly-coddling and frequently seeks it.

My problem is, whilst I'm good at keeping emotionally demanding types at a distance, I eventually feel guilty when I see others pandering to them, assume the panderers are just more tolerant/nicer people generally and conclude that in actual fact I'm the one at fault, and I'm a shit friend for not pandering!

I suppose because I never expect or demand attention I struggle to relate to people who do.

BlackDahlia11 Fri 26-Apr-13 13:32:00

I've found this thread very interesting. I used to be a follower, a 'sheep'. I was friends with someone in primary school and we were best buds. But looking back I see it was like being in an emotionally abusive relationship. She could be cruel, say nasty things to me and bully other people. But I always followed and watched on, feeling helpless. I feel awful for not standing up and telling her what a cow she was. I was probably no better because I didn't help the people she bullied. If she got into trouble for bullying, I was usually pulled up for it as well even though I didn't directly do anything. It was nice to have security though. Knowing she was always going to be there with me, even if she was nasty at times.

When we were about 15 she started to ignore me and leave me out. I was so hurt. So I clung to someone else as I didn't want to have no friends. I clung to someone exactly like her. This one is still in my life and only recently have I realised what an utter cow she is. She would put me down and I would just agree. Can't believe I didn't see it sooner. Spoke to my husband and he has made me see the light. She's a nasty piece of work. So working on phasing her out (I don't have the courage to tell her what a boot she is).

BlackDahlia11 Fri 26-Apr-13 13:35:32

JohnSnowsTie I completely know what you mean! It is one thing helping a true friend through something but feels completely different when helping a toxic type friend. The toxic ones seem to have a heck of an amount of drama in their lives!

JohnSnowsTie Fri 26-Apr-13 13:42:34

BlackDahlia I really feel for you when you say she put you down and you just agreed sad. I used to do that with one "friend", I think it was just easier than confrontation and she was quite a bullish type and I excused it because of other issues in her life. Am also in process of operation phase-out as don't have the balls to tell her! I would hate for one of my DDs to end up the doormat I've been over the years, so I can't afford to have her around them really.

drjohnsonscat Fri 26-Apr-13 13:43:12

I had a friend like that at university. I knew her for three years during which time she was hospitalised with an eating disorder, had an affair with the tutor, attempted suicide, got engaged (not to the tutor), got a first. I started to distance myself from her but was young and didn't really understand what was going on. Two years later heard she had got married (not to the tutor or the fiance), had been evicted from her home, got meningitis, got divorced, got remarried to her boss at the firm she worked for, sued the firm for constructive dismissal, left the boss.

I heard about all this by accident - I started talking to a woman at a party who was describing how much she disliked her job because there was someone there who was creating so much drama and victimhood it was affecting the whole firm. Something about what she said made me realise I knew who she was talking about and it was the same person. There's a whole lot more but I won't post more for fear of outing her.

I have not had that much drama in 44 years and this was in 5 years. It was actually the meningitis that made a light go on for me. Maybe she did have meningitis, maybe she didn't. But I suddenly realised these weren't all random events.

bettycocker Fri 26-Apr-13 19:25:44

So you already know my SIL op? grin

KneeDeepinPoo Fri 26-Apr-13 20:21:21

Be aware, my Alpha was excellent at turning herself into the victim when I confronted her - she sobbed to her flock of sheep and made me out to be a deranged bitch.

This is exactly what the Alpha in my life did too. Grrrr, still makes me so flippin angry too...not 10 years later in my case, more like three years. And it makes me hacked off in the extreme that her flock of sheep had no guts to do other than wipe her tears and say 'there there', nasty Beta.

BlackDahlia11 Fri 26-Apr-13 21:36:45

JohnSnowsTie sounds like you are all too familiar with the same type of friend! At least we recognise it now and can phase out. Proper friends don't put their friends down smile

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