fuming with DH

(138 Posts)
brummiegirl1 Thu 25-Apr-13 08:56:54

In our house i cook and put the children to bed while DH tidies the kitchen and washes up. I have just come down this morning to the washing up not done from last night so everything is stuck to the pans etc.

Feel really mad at him as i must have fell asleep last night while i was settling my toddler down as he woke me about 9.00pm and we watched a bit of tv before bed so i didn't go into the kitchen until this morning.

I phoned him and we had a row, more he got defensive about he doesn't always do it but my arguement to him was that i cook every night and then put boys children to bed so it's only fair. He makes out that by him washing up is doing me a favour! He said he gets fed up of always washing up. I said to him last night that he could put boys to bed and i tidy kitchen but he don't want to do that(probably because he knows he has the better deal) I'm a SAHM at the moment my DH gets in from work at about 4.30 from being out at 7.50.

He said it's only a few pans but thats not the point. I told him i wanted to keep the soup from last night but i didn't expect him to leave it out in the pan along with the rice pan(dried rice stuck to it) jugs and colander and lots of cutlery, cups etc.

I told him that when im up in the morning with the children i like to just get their breakfast and sort them out not tidy the kitchen first as that should have been done the night before. I just feel put on that i do my half of the bargain but have to finish his job as well.

He hung up on me in the end. I'm just fed up my DH is not lazy but is so untidy that it's getting me down and

brummiegirl1 Thu 25-Apr-13 08:58:48

Pressed to soon,

and feel it is becoming a deal breaker as i'm saying the same things to him and getting no where. Don't want to leave him but if i had known what he was like when i met him i wouldn't have got involved and i know that sounds harsh.

Seabright Thu 25-Apr-13 08:59:37

YANBU, and he knows it. Which is why he put the phone down, I think.

He gets in at 4:30, so he needs to help out until you are both ready to relax for the evening

redskyatnight Thu 25-Apr-13 09:03:00

Agree that evening jobs should be shared but also worth considering …

1.How old are your DC? (i.e. are they out at school all day)
2.Sounds like this was only an arrangement in your head and not DH’s – you can’t really blame him for not doing something he didn’t realise he was supposed to.
3.Even if it was an arrangement, I think the odd time of not being bothered with it is allowed.
4.I agree with your DH that doing the same job all the time gets really tedious – I’d suggest that some days he puts the boys to bed while you wash up. Or why don’t you both wash up together and both put a child each to bed? Swap it around anyway, so neither of you get sick of your lot.

YoniMontana Thu 25-Apr-13 09:05:28

That would annoy me too. Especially of that's the only thing he has to do.

I'm with redsky on this one.

Also, annoying as it might be, I don't think it's the sort of thing I would ring my OH about and get into a row over. I mean, really? And you're now saying if you'd known he was occasionally lazy you'd never have got involved with him and "I don't want to leave him but...."


You called him at work because he hadn't washed the pans? I think you have overreacted a bit tbh. He forgot, it happens, and calling him at work hasn't achieved anything, its not like he can come home and do them. I can see how annoying it would be if he regularly forgets though.

starfishmummy Thu 25-Apr-13 09:08:04


CaptainSweatPants Thu 25-Apr-13 09:09:02

I think he should put the kids to bed as you've seen them all day
Or just do everything together
Tbh you're lucky to have him home so early

Gingerodgers Thu 25-Apr-13 09:09:32

You sound a bit of a nag. Are you looking for things to pick fights about? Fgs, just roll your eyes and get on with it.

brummiegirl1 Thu 25-Apr-13 09:11:45

My children are 2 and a half and 10 months. I have said i will swap with him and he can put children to bed but he doesn't. He even says he will tidy kitchen while i put kids to bed which is why i'm fed up when it's not done. The 2 boys are hard to settle down sometimes as i breastfeed my youngest and my 2 and a half year old distracts him while i feed as they are both in the same room.

Icantstopeatinglol Thu 25-Apr-13 09:12:06

Yabu if this is a one off, if I rang my dh every time he didn't do what he's supposed to our phone bill would be sky high! I'd mention it when he got in as an off the cuff remark but probably wouldn't go much further than that.

JumpingJackSprat Thu 25-Apr-13 09:12:30

Yabu. so he forgot whats the big deal? If youre that bothered leave them for when he gets home.

melika Thu 25-Apr-13 09:13:11

Have fractured ribs at moment, so I think the DH and the two DS are really feeling how lucky they are at the moment. I cannot do anything. Just walking kills.

I think you are lucky to have him cleaning, full stop.
I think YABU to ring him at work for it.

HappyAsASandboy Thu 25-Apr-13 09:15:09

Maybe he could cook and wash up tonight, since you cooked last night and then washed up this morning?

It sounds to me like you have a routine of splitting the tasks this way, so he knew that washing up was part of his contribution last night. I agree with whoever said its ok to not want to do your jobs sometimes, but in that case he should have stacked everything out of the way and then said something about not doing them and doing them tonight instead. Not just leave a bomb site and not mention anything.

If he doesn't want to do all the washing up, the only way forward is an agreement of which nights he does which of the jobs. Sounds like you've each got to do two of cooking, washing up, tidying kitchen and bedtime, so let him pick which nights he does what? As you say, the washing up/tidying sounds like a much easier deal, so you might come out of this quite well grin

Icantstopeatinglol Thu 25-Apr-13 09:15:30

....change of mind slightly seeing dc ages, I'd make him help out with getting them to bed! We have a 2 & 5yr old and we take one each. I love reading them their stories in bed, would your dh not enjoy reading them stories?
Hope you get sorted though, it's hardwork having little ones and trying to get housework done.

Brummie - "MY children" and not "OUR children"?

brummiegirl1 Thu 25-Apr-13 09:16:29

I'm not a nag but this is not just a one off. What gets on my nerves i suppose is i cook while he sits with the boys watching tv and then he moans at what i'm cooking if its something he doesn't want even though at the beginning of each week i say what i am cooking and ask him what he would like and he never knows.

bigbuttons Thu 25-Apr-13 09:18:28

I think this is really petty tbh

CrowsLanding Thu 25-Apr-13 09:21:25

You are 'Fuming' over a few dirty pots? hmm

StuntGirl Thu 25-Apr-13 09:21:34

To all the posters sayng its ok to not do your share of the tasks sometimes; what if the OP decided she couldn't be bothered to cook and do the bedtime routine? Would that be ok?

Lemonylemon Thu 25-Apr-13 09:24:51

OP: Your DH sounds exactly like my DS (who's 15) and regularly washes up so badly it has to be done again. Who tries to get out of doing the washing up because, "it's boring", "I'm really fed up with doing it", "I'll do it in the morning".....

YANBU - I bloody fume over it too. It's lazy.

brummiegirl1 Thu 25-Apr-13 09:26:46

Bu t i don't think it is petty. I gave him the choice, he could have put the boys to bed, but he said he would wash up. I don't think it is fair that i cooked, put children to bed and then have to do his washing up the next morning. He should have said he didn't want to wash up that night and that would have been fine. It was just seeing the mess when i came down this morning.

i also didn't phone him this morning just to moan about the pots, i phoned him to see if he had fed the dog but yes i did mention the washing up. I knew he wouldn't have been at work at the time as he was on his way to work. I don't call him when he is at work.

MayTheOddsBeEverInYourFavour Thu 25-Apr-13 09:27:18

I think it's fine to not do things sometimes, as long as it doesn't make life harder for anyone else

I don't think it's ok to not bother with something and expect someone else to pick up the slack

So I'd leave it all for him to sort out later

Get a dishwasher. Make his task loading it and switching it on.

If he can't handle that, then leave him.

Spaghettio Thu 25-Apr-13 09:29:07

After spending all day with your two DC the least he can do is wash some pans. YANBU!

brummiegirl1 Thu 25-Apr-13 09:29:53

Would love a dishwasher but don't have the space for one, only have a small kitchen.

Squitten Thu 25-Apr-13 09:31:35

You say it's not a one off and you seem to be hinting that this is a bigger issue than a few pots and pans one night, which is not a big deal in the scheme of things.

So, bigger picture. Do you feel you are doing everything about the house and he doesn't? Is he hugely messy? You sound really resentful and I'm wondering if there's more going on...?

Whoknowswhocares Thu 25-Apr-13 09:31:35

Wow, not the usual response for this sort of thread!
If it is indeed fine that adults 'sometimes' do not bother with their agreed responsibilities in a shared household, may i suggest you not decide to cook for him tonight
I doubt if he would still consider it acceptable behaviour

redskyatnight Thu 25-Apr-13 09:31:49

StuntGirl Absolutely it should be ok for OP to occasionally feel she's had a bad day and doesn't want to do the cooking/bedtime routine.

Cooking is "my" job in our house, but somedays I am too tired and so we end up just having beans on toast/DH cooks or we get a takeaway.

Equally when the DC were younger there were some days when they got scrambled to bed in the shortest time possible because neither of us could face doing a proper bath and reading loads of stories.

In a family, there absolutely has to be some give on take on "jobs" and acceptance that on the odd day it is ok to do the bare minimum or leave it to someone else. The key thing is whether it is give and take or whether one person is doing all the giving. It's not really clear from this post which is the case in OP's household.

HollyGoHeavily Thu 25-Apr-13 09:31:51

You are right to be annoyed at this - as a one off it's fine but not if he's making a habit of not doing his share of jobs. And all this 'oh he forgot, leave him alone' annoys me - he didn't forget, he chose not to do it because he knew that OP would have to do it in the morning. He didn't mind shirking his responsibilities and increasing her workload.

I think you need a serious talk with him about taking you for granted...

Cantbelieveitsnotbutter Thu 25-Apr-13 09:33:02

Yabu if its one night and he normally does it. Everyone is entitled to a do nothing evening every so often.

If its a regular thing then he needs to be pulling his weight somewhere else, especially as his work hours allow this.

pictish Thu 25-Apr-13 09:33:46

Well...this is clearly not about the pan (which while minor is still an annoyance, I hate getting up to dirty dishes in the morning...yuck) but about the bigger picture.

YANBU. No way are you being petty! Especially if it's regularly like this.

However, phoning him at work doesn't sound like a good way to resolve this. Sit down and have a reasoned discussion about it so you're not accused of 'nagging'. Like Happy said, suggest varying the routine because all this washing up/bedtime stuff gets boring! These are necessary tasks which have to made as 'fun' as possible!!

Finola1step Thu 25-Apr-13 09:36:14

It sounds like you both need to grow up a bit and realise that you are meant to be in this as a team. Him leaving the washing up is not on but, nor is ringing him at work. If my husband rang me at work to give me a serve over something so trivial, I would be very abrupt and vice versa.

Are you really considering breaking up your family because of day to day, mundane nonsense. How would you tell your children later on. "Daddy didn't like doing the washing up so Mummy told him to leave". Do you understand how ridiculous this is?

Talk to each other in a calm manner and agree the next steps. Maybe you could settle baby in your room and your husband can settle toddler in their room. That way both children will probably get to sleep quicker and then you can both sort out what needs to be done.

curryeater Thu 25-Apr-13 09:37:19

I am appalled by some of the responses on this thread.

"nag" - that is a misogynist word used to silence women standing up for themselves

"in her head" well either the OP asked her husband to do it explicitly, in which case she is a nag, or she thought he would get that household tasks should be shared, in which case she expects him to be a mindreader. She can't win.

"petty" - no it isn't, it is part of a pattern where brummie's husband is taking advantage of brummie's time and labour

"the odd time of not being bothered with it is allowed" - really? My work isn't like that. When I go to meetings to discuss progress where the tasks were shared out the week before, I have to have done my bit. I don't get to say "I was tired" or "I didn't fancy it" or "I would rather someone else did it".

I get really upset when I see other women (presumably) attacking a woman for expecting reasonable partnership at home, and defending lazy men who are exploiting the sexist status quo in order to get more time sitting on their arses.

mrsjay Thu 25-Apr-13 09:37:31

you phoned him at work because he didnt do the dishes seriously that is quite petty , imo it is dishes so what he didnt do them he isnt a child , let him but the kids to bed sometimes and let him be involved in the night time routine for a change, I cant get over the fact you honed him about dishes even if it annoyed you , please relax and unclench

if he gets in at 4.30 in the afternoon, he should be doing alot more to help

I get where you are coming from OP. DH thinks that because I work from home that means i have time to work the same hours as he does in a week and still do all the housework. As I don't have the commute apparently I don't get as tired, despite starting work at 7 am 4 days per week, and working until 6 without a break usually.

If he says he will do the pots he should do it. If you are petty like I am you could just not be arsed to cook dinner tonight or do the laundry! I like to add a little passive aggressive into the downright aggressive mix!!

brummiegirl1 Thu 25-Apr-13 09:39:26

Squitten-he is very untidy, i have spoke to him about it over and over. It is worse now as being home on maternity leave i'm obviously seeing it more, when i was at work i was not in the house so not a problem as much. I find it frustrating that i tidy the house and its undone straight away when he gets home.

I have stopped picking up his clothes and i put them in a pile at the side of his bed. It just really gets me down. It's only a small house. i feel i tidy up all the time and have nothing to show for it.

Hullygully Thu 25-Apr-13 09:39:29

Take a valium, pop some lippy on and give him a blow job because we seem to have all gone back to the fifties judging by the utterly terrifying shit posted by most.

curryeater Thu 25-Apr-13 09:39:30

x-post with Finola:

"Are you really considering breaking up your family because of day to day, mundane nonsense. How would you tell your children later on. "Daddy didn't like doing the washing up so Mummy told him to leave". Do you understand how ridiculous this is? "

how is that ridiculous? What about "Mummy didn't get any respect from Daddy, who expected her to be his domestic servant. Mummy tried to explain this to daddy, but it didn't go in, partly because he was supported by a culture which allows men to treat women like this, so she decided not to put up with it any more"

Hullygully Thu 25-Apr-13 09:40:12

I would have taken the dirty pans to his work and hit him over the head with them.

Hullygully Thu 25-Apr-13 09:41:51

This is my favourite post, from Ginger Rogers:

You sound a bit of a nag. Are you looking for things to pick fights about? Fgs, just roll your eyes and get on with it

Your namesake would weep

WhoWhatWhereWhen Thu 25-Apr-13 09:42:07

Seriously you're fuming over a few pans? you've expended more effort phoning him, arguing and then typing it all out on MN than it would've taken to wash them

If it's every night have a word with him, if not, chill.

curryeater Thu 25-Apr-13 09:42:46

Does anyone remember the poster who put all her dp's dirty pots in his car? I thought that was a genius solution. Some people on here were appalled, they are probably the ones who think this op is "petty"

Brummie, I feel your pain. Maternity leave and small children is hard enough without some idiot scattering his crap about your workplace all day.

redskyatnight Thu 25-Apr-13 09:43:19

curryeater Household/family jobs aren’t like a paid job. There are some jobs that have to be done e.g. making sure the DC are fed, safe, looked after. There are some jobs that can be left e.g. the hovering.
MN is littered with threads along the lines of “fancied a lazy day, so am just pottering about at home” and “I meant to clean the bathroom today, but don’t feel like it so will do it tomorrow”.

If I’d been as annoyed as OP I’d have put the pans in a washing up bowl and left them till the evening for DH to do. Would that really have been so bad?

Hullygully Thu 25-Apr-13 09:44:58

Forget the bloody pans.

There are two adults

There are two jobs

They agree to do one each

One can't be bothered and just leaves it for the other

HOW in WHAT UNIVERSE is that okay?

brummiegirl1 Thu 25-Apr-13 09:45:04

Hullygully- your response made me laugh!

Meringue33 Thu 25-Apr-13 09:45:28

Yanbu. Nothing worse than coming downstairs for breakfast and finding a manky kitchen. Just as well you are bf otherwise you'd be worried about sterile surfaces.

If he is home at 4.30pm he should be doing the cooking as well as the washing up IMO! We have a 15 week old. My DP doesn't get home til 7pm but as soon as he does he is sharing the work; will cook dinner if I haven't managed it yet, or hold baby while I finish getting it ready. One of us will try to settle baby for bed while other washes up and wipes down kitchen, everything is done before we go to sleep though often neither of us have any me time at all.

LaQueen Thu 25-Apr-13 09:46:08

You are actually thinking of leaving him, because of this...?

There must be more to it? You don't leave someone, that you otherwise love, and respect and have a good life with, just because they won't clear the kitchen.

pictish Thu 25-Apr-13 09:46:18

I think it's a case of annoyance spillover.
I doubt she regularly rings her dh on his journey to work to carp about the dishes.

She called her usband because once again he failed to uphold his side of the (already tipped in his favour) bargain.

My dh is an excellent pitcher inner - but he wasn't always that way...and on occasion my outrage overspilled and I had to let him know I had noticed, that I wasn't a doormat, that he was being selfish to dtop the ball on his responsibilities and leave it in my lap...AGAIN.

It's not about the sodding pans. If he was generally receptive to doing his bit, the OP would not care. It's his attitude that's the problem...fuck the pots.

StuntGirl Thu 25-Apr-13 09:46:59

Everything, everything Hully said.

Hullygully Thu 25-Apr-13 09:47:43

Another point is that you are in this together. You are supposed to love, care for and help each other. Each of you should want to be kind to the other and just keep going with jobs until they are all done and you can sit down together. That is what caring is about, and fairness.

How can you love and care for someone who thinks, oh fuck you, I can't be bothered to do my job and wash the pans, you can bloody do it?


curryeater Thu 25-Apr-13 09:49:21

How big is your house redsky? If I put the dirty pots in a washing up bowl I would either have to put it in the sink and not be able the use the sink, or leave it on the side and have nowhere to cook or even make a sandwich. The op says she has a small house, it sounds like the kind of house (like mine) where there is just no slack for dirty stuff left lying about it - you can't do anything else till it is done. "making sure DCs are fed" - requires a working kitchen.

Anyway even if it is physically possible to work around dirty pots in the op's kitchen it is disrespectful to expect someone else to work around stuff you should have done. Fine if you will all be out and you fully intend to do it later, but not if you are knowingly leaving someone else in your mess.

In that sense, household jobs are like paid jobs. When I go to these meetings, my main thought is that the rest of the team is working hard and I have to show my respect for them by doing my bit. My job doesn't save babies. I am not motivated by thoughts of the world being a better place because of what we do (sadly). I just do it because I am a part of a team and said I would and I respect the others. The OP's dh is taking the piss.

brummiegirl1 Thu 25-Apr-13 09:53:43

I would't leave him over it and i wouldn't break the family up over it, what i meant was if i had know then what i know now with how he was to live with it would have been something to think about if that makes sense.

MooMooSkit Thu 25-Apr-13 09:53:48

Another shocked person reading these replies! I BLOODY hate the word "nag", usually used by my OH to when I've done the school run, done my four hour shift, cooked the dinner and he leaves the pans (this morning actually to!) I haven't contacted him about it but I will mention it when he is home as it is unfair. I don't just leave my son at school because "i forgot to get him" or don't cook the dinner because i'm "tired" part of being in a relationship is sharing everything, and sometimes you do have to do things when your tired or worn out, that's life! He sounds totally unreasonable tbh and the fact he hung up the phone on you just about says it all really.

Hullygully Thu 25-Apr-13 09:54:51

he needs to grow up brummie, he is selfish and lazy.

VitoCorleone Thu 25-Apr-13 09:56:18

This would annoy me too, i hate waking up to a messy kitchen, thats why in our house DP does all the cooking and i clean the kitchen.

LaQueen Thu 25-Apr-13 09:58:05

Brum get a dishwasher.

Back in the day, when we first lived together the deal was, I would cook dinner/DH would wash up. Which he dutifully did. For 3 nights.

On the 4th day, he ordered a dishwasher. It arrived 2 days later. DH then stacked the previous 3 days dishes into it.

Sorted smile

miemohrs Thu 25-Apr-13 09:59:23

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

curryeater Thu 25-Apr-13 09:59:24

brummiegirl it makes complete sense. It is one of the most important aspects of your quality of life if you are going to start a family with your partner (or even if not). I will tell my dds this when they are older.

If you just do half an hour's work every day that your partner doesn't, that is 182.5 hours in a year, or nearly 23 working days at 8 hours each. TWENTY-THREE DAYS that you are standing over the sink while your partner is reading the paper, writing a novel, playing the piano, learning French, working out, whatever he likes to do. How the fuck is that ok? And that is without going into the annoyance and humiliation of the lack of respect.

brummiegirl1 Thu 25-Apr-13 09:59:28

curryeater- our house is a small 2 bed semi, one small living room and a small kitchen. That is all we have downstairs so your right, we can't afford to be untidy as we are sitting in it and i dread if someone came to the house unexpectedly. Your right about a working kitchen to feed DC. I had to tidy it as i didn't have any work space to get their breakfast ready and i had to move pans off top of cooker to heat up DS1 breakfast milk.

Fairylea Thu 25-Apr-13 09:59:53

Yanbu. It would drive me mad too.

How hard is it for him to wash up ffs?!

I dont quite understand.

The OP had a job to do. The DH had a job to do.

The op did her job. The DH sat on his arse watching the telly and then went to bed.

The OP then got up this morning and did the job her dh was supposed to do.

And people are calling her a nag? and telling her to suck it up? and not to ring her dh at work? Why cant she ring him? because he has an important job and cannot be disturbed by domestic matters?

Running a household, bringing up children is supposed to be a joint thing isnt it?

Which means both people doing what they are supposed to do, when they are supposed to do it.

pictish Thu 25-Apr-13 10:00:57

Ha. grin

I second a dishwasher too - we just have a slimline one, but it makes the whole house run smoother.
Then your dh can take his turn putting the kids to bed. We get them ready together, then take turns reading the story. Quality time like.

Fairylea Thu 25-Apr-13 10:01:37

What tantrums said. Completely.

StuntGirl Thu 25-Apr-13 10:04:20

Yes but redsky in that scenario you have come up with a solution to the problem. You didn't just think "fuck you" and dump the problem on your partners lap.

LaQueen Thu 25-Apr-13 10:11:25

To be honest, I was a SAHM when the DDs were tiny.

I saw it as my job (at the time) to ensure all things domestic, got done properly and the home ran smoothly.

I genuinely didn't expect DH to start washing dishes/hoovering/whatever when he got home - anymore than he expected me to pop into his office and give him a hand with some admin.

I was at home all day with a newborn, and DD1 who wasn't even crawling when DD2 was born!

Yes, it was hard work, but I managed to (pretty much) stay on top of the household chores - so DH's help wasn't ever really required. But, he always joined in with the bath/bed time routine, because he loved that.

Once I went back to work part time, then DH was given his allotted chores...which he dutifully did, for about 2 weeks...then he paid for a cleaner hmm

KeatsiePie Thu 25-Apr-13 10:12:48

YANBU. As others have said, it's fine to skip doing a job now and then, but if skipping is likely to inconvenience the other person, you should let them know you're thinking of skipping and/or make sure the skipping won't cause too much inconvenience. E.g., I sometimes leave the dishes for morning. But if I do that, I get them all soaking in one side of the sink so it's not impossible for DH to get a glass of water when he comes home. I make sure not every single piece of flatware is soaking so that if he'd like to eat something he won't have to reach into dishwater to get a fork. Not that hard. He would do the same. I feel like that's the real problem here: OP's husband is not thinking in a partnership sort of way.

Christ almighty, have I dropped in to The Twilight Zone? So many dismissive posts from people who presumably only skim read the OP. It's very clear that this is not a one-off. It's very clear he gets home at 4.30, so can't play the 'exhausted' card. Really, a partner who gets home at 4.30pm, has a meal cooked for them and yet considers doing the dishes to be 'a favour'? If you want to be part of a household, you play fair and pull your weight. OP's DH is dumping on the OP, expecting her to run around after him like a good little 50's wifie. Fuck that for a game of soldiers! I'd be fuming with him too. And he could whistle Dixie for being cooked for.

I got quite annoyed with DH when he went through a phase of only doing jobs if he felt like it. I had to point out to him repeatedly that the jobs don't go away if he doesn't do them I end up picking up the slack. I threw a major strop one evening when he was sitting down relaxing and I was still running doing jobs (I work full time out of the home and DH works from home).

You are not a nag (horrible word) and you are not there to pick up the slack. His share of household tasks is not optional and he is not doing you a favour by doing them.

MorrisZapp Thu 25-Apr-13 10:15:12

Hully nailed it.

And as for this bullshit about 'well sometimes I can't be bothered to cook so we just get a takeaway', that's fine but its not the same. This guy did not tell op that he couldn't be arsed doing the dishes. He did not provide an alternate solution. He just let her believe he had done them.

I would be raging.

Sometimes there is stuff I have to do that I don't want to do.
But I don't just not do it.

If there's 2 jobs to be done, and you have 1 each you can't just leave your job for someone else to do.
You have to find a solution. Even if its a ridiculous solution like I can't be arsed to wash up tonight so I will order us a pizza and we will eat it out of the box so there isn't any washing up.

You cannot simply sit back, enjoy your evening and leave it.
It's inconsiderate.

And OP, if he is getting home at 4:30, why can't you alternate nights to cook? Then whoever didnt cook cleans the kitchen?

Then he won't be doing the same job every night.

And yes it's all well and good saying her a dishwasher but that doesn't actually help with the actual problem does it?

It just means her DH has less to do.

LaQueen Thu 25-Apr-13 10:19:58

Actually, yes the getting home at 4.30pm, is a doddle...

When I was a SAHM, DH was building his company, and working a 16 hour day, 7 days a week.

curryeater Thu 25-Apr-13 10:20:02

LaQueen, what is your point? Are you under some delusion that your set- up is either original or brilliant - or relevant?

Are you saying:

We did things the traditional way. It was fine. So no one has anything to complain about


We did things the traditional way, but with a tweak - we hired a cleaner, because we are rich. so we are great, and if you have anything to complain about, you must be inferior


something else?

Hullygully Thu 25-Apr-13 10:21:42

I think she is thinking as she goes along, so her posts show her developing thoughts about it...

YouTheCat Thu 25-Apr-13 10:21:48

YANBU I'm betting you do all the night waking as well.

All very fine and well to say get a dishwasher but the OP has already said she hasn't got room for one. She has also already said that her dp won't take on the bedtime duties. She probably wouldn't mind if it was a one off but it doesn't sound like it is at all and it sounds like he does bugger all apart from create mess once he gets in from work.

LaQueen, I do agree to a certain extent with what you say about being a SAHM.
But all he has to do is wash some dishes. Or put his kids to bed.

If the OP was sat down all day doing nothing and expected her DH to come in and do all the cleaning, cooking, laundry that's different.

But he is at home all evening, has nothing to do except eat his dinner them either wash the plates or put his children to bed.

Meh, he normally does it, don't you ever not bath the kids and just throw them in bed with a story because you're knackered? Everyone's allowed an off day, I think ringing him at work was OTT too, couldn't it have waited until he got home?

Viviennemary Thu 25-Apr-13 10:30:58

If he gets in at 4.30 he should be able to do some tidying up or childcare. I would get a dishwasher too. You could try asking him to cook one night a week. And then he might be a bit more appreciative of your cooking.

Squitten Thu 25-Apr-13 10:32:45

So it's actually a case of him being really messy and making more work for you as well as not doing what he's supposed to be doing. You are entitled to be very cross - it's not fair on you at all!

Has this gotten worse since you've been on maternity? Do you think now that you're at home he's expecting you to do it all?

ChaoticTranquility Thu 25-Apr-13 10:33:19

OP Your DH is a lazy, disrespectful twat. YANBU

5madthings Thu 25-Apr-13 10:34:32

Yanbu and I am guessing this is part of a bigger picture of him not pulling his weight.

If he didn't want to do the dishes last night he could have got up ten mins earlier to do them before he went to work. But he didn't he just left them for you to do.

So he moans he doesn't like the dinners you cook and moans he doesn't like washing up but has refused the offer to swap so he can put little ones to be whilst you wash up..

Its not a ltb situation but you do need to talk and come up with a situation you both are happy with.

If he is home at 4:30 there is no reason why he can't do dinner.

And I am a sahm, my dp works crappy long hours and when he isn't here yes I do it all, but when hge is home we are both on duty, we make sure we both get time off or if one of us is tired the not so tired one will offer to do more etc, but its done with discussion. One side doesn't just not do their share because they can't be arsed.

Not that our relationship has always been like this, it has evolved and required a kick up the backside at times!

We have a small kitchen as well and you can't leave the dishes etc as then there is no space to make the next meal etc and I hate getting up to dirty dishes, esp if they have been left to soak and you have to reach into the cold manky water to pull the plug out... Yuck yuck yuck.

diddl Thu 25-Apr-13 10:45:12

Ooh let me join in with the chorus of "buy a dishwasher"hmm

Bet OP hadn't thought of that!hmm

(and her kitchen is too small if you rtt!)

BlingLoving Thu 25-Apr-13 10:52:15

I think I am actually crying here. And not with laughter.

OP, YANBU. What Hully and various other posters have said. I particularly love the outrage that you would dare to call him at work about a domestic matter. Hahaha, DH is a SAHD and would have no issue calling me at work about a domestic matter. Because we're adults. We can multi task and if I'm at work that does not mean I suddenly lose all ability to think about things at home. In fact, <gasp> I am about to do the online shopping order from my desk after I write this MN post!

IF DH is regularly not pulling his weight and clearly he does not seem to think the should be sharing the child and home care duties, then YANBU to have an issue with it and to discuss it with him, repeatedly, until things change. If he gets home at 4:30 then quite frankly I am gobsmacked he's not doing more. I don't get home before 7 most nights, but I still do the cooking and DH and I share the tidying up.

Fairylea Thu 25-Apr-13 11:36:18

I don't think the dishwasher idea will solve anything. All that would do is move the arguement to who loads and unloads the dishwasher. And if dh is a lazy arse he will load it all wrong, nothing will get clean properly and op will still end up doing it again.

diddl Thu 25-Apr-13 12:20:04

WellI'm not sure what time dinner or children's bedtimes are for OP-but seems to me that the husband could have an hrs sit down when he gets in & still have time to cook a meal & help with bathtime & washing up!

Why can't he cook, then?

Presumably he eats as well as OP??!!

melika Thu 25-Apr-13 16:16:05

I will never ever complain about loading and unloading the dishwasher, I am bloody grateful that a man invented it in the first place! <runs for cover>

UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea Thu 25-Apr-13 16:28:39

Your whole set up is wierd.

He never cooks? You ask him to approve your menu plans? He never puts his children to bed?

He is acting like an entitled arse and you are facilitating it. The first time my DH complained about a meal I had cooked him after looking after his children all day would be the last time I cooked for him. Ever.

If I were you I would greet him at 4.30 pm with a ham sandwich for his dinner and a bottle of expressed BM for the 10 month old and go out to the cinema for the evening.

UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea Thu 25-Apr-13 16:29:25

*wierd = weird blush

DoJo Thu 25-Apr-13 16:30:05

melika - 'I think you are lucky to have him cleaning, full stop.'

This may be one of the most depressing things I have ever read on MN. I am genuinely disappointed in the 'community' here that there seems to be a large faction who think that the OP should just pick up her husband's slack, be grateful that he ever does any housework or think that because they also put up with this kind of crap that everyone else should.

curryeater Thu 25-Apr-13 16:35:26

DoJo, me too, but it's the real world innit.
Men get away with so much and yet women live with them so they can't admit what it is really like or their lives would come apart.

No one has commented on the half an hour a day = 23 working days a year thing. Nobody wants to see it that way. how would you feel if you found out that all the men at your work have 23 days more annual leave than the women? Ok about it? Be glad they turn up any days of the year?

LaQueen Thu 25-Apr-13 16:35:34

curry none of the above...I was merely making observations, and citing our own arrangements...as have lots of other posters on this thread...

So, curious as to why you singled out my particular post hmm

KansasCityOctopus Thu 25-Apr-13 16:36:04

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LaQueen Thu 25-Apr-13 16:39:52

Tantrum no, I do agree with you on this one.

The OP's DH is home by 4.30pm, I think - so presumably he spends a good 6-7 hours at home before goes to bed.

I think him chipping in to wash some dishes really isn't much to ask.

I vaguely recall DH used to often stack the dishwasher/put the kettle on/juggle one DD, while I saw to the other.

I'd have been a bit hmm if every day, he'd sat at home from mid afternoon onwards, just chilling out...while I raced round like a loon seeing to the DDs.

But, generally he wasn't often home until after 9pm.

curryeater Thu 25-Apr-13 16:40:23

LaQueen, I did refer to lots of other posts on this thread that I found annoying too. Yours was later after I had already written my first post so you got your own. (Lucky you.) I was annoyed already by the posters on here attacking the OP and then annoyed by your not-explicit-attack but effective (even if not deliberate) reinforcement of a status quo where men can't be expected to wash up. Do you think the OP has a point or not?

curryeater Thu 25-Apr-13 16:40:58

x-post - I see you have answered that

CSIJanner Thu 25-Apr-13 16:50:51

I like Hullygully and Curryeater grin In fact, I would like to find the applause emicon...

OP - YANBU. firstly, the jobs were agreed and talked about. Secondly, he didn't tell you he didn't do his, and by doing so created more work in the morning plus wasted food.

It's not a "job" looking after the house and children as there are no holidays, sick leave etc and its 24/7. So it's only fair that the other halfs help out a bit as discussed and agreed. If not, you became even more exhausted, resentful and fed up with no time for yourself. From the sounds of things, this isn't the only issue so its probably time for either OP's DH to take over bedtime or to pull his finger out and do the agreed share of chores.

MajorB Thu 25-Apr-13 16:54:00

Kansas I'm going to give you the benefit of the doubt and assume you're not part of the time-travelling 1950s housewives that seem to be on here today [hmmm] so you're not suggesting that the OP washes up whilst she cooks the dinner to spare her diddums DP from having to do them...

If you were suggesting that he joined her in the kitchen to do them whilst she cooks then that leaves 2 DCs, one only 10 months old unattended in the living room which isn't very wise.

This is so simple, I can't see why there's been such a drama. Two adults live in the house, they both should do chores until they're done and it's time to rest. Alternatively if one doesn't feel like it, they should say so and make time, preferably early the next morning, to do the job they didn't do and not just leave it to the other partner.

Why are people making out that the OP is in the wrong?

LaQueen Thu 25-Apr-13 16:58:18

No worries curry smile

5madthings Thu 25-Apr-13 17:03:26

Whoever said dishwasher were invented by a man is wrong, the first dishwasher was invented by a woman, Josephine Cochrane.

CMP69 Thu 25-Apr-13 17:20:53

If you are a SAHM do you not expect to do all the household tasks?
I work 9-2, take ds to bfast club, go to work, come home, 30-40 mins chill time, pick up ds, bit of telly for him while I have a quick tidy, homework, ds tea, dh comes home does bath bed and story, I do tea, he fills dishwasher/washes up.
He does stick the odd load of washing on, but usually because he needs his running/squash stuff clean!

Branleuse Thu 25-Apr-13 17:26:51

cant you just leave it for him to do in the evening??

Is it really a big deal?

ChunkyPickle Thu 25-Apr-13 17:39:44

I would have (and do) leave that for DP to do in the evening. I refuse to nag, but my disappointment shines through (and I hate that that sounds like I'm treating DP like a child.. I really shouldn't have to)

I'm SAHM/work part time, and I most certainly do not expect to do all the household tasks! I don't see why I should be up with DS at 7, then look after him/clean/do whatever other boring tasks need to be done until I can finally drop into bed (which presumably I should have made/changed) after cooking dinner, doing bedtimes, and doing the washing up, while DP gets himself ready, heads to work (has tea breaks, eats out for lunch) and swans back in to dinner and TV in a clean house at night with no responsibility to do anything more than put his socks in the washing basket (actually... he doesn't do that.. I have to hunt for socks)

Screw that. Just because I had to have the child, just because that means it made sense for me to stay at home and go part time, doesn't mean that suddenly all the menial stuff is my problem (or OPs) - we both wanted a child, I certainly didn't want to become chief cook and bottle washer on top of it all, and don't intend to.

AnyFucker Thu 25-Apr-13 17:49:21

christ, there is some man-pleasing shit being displayed on this thread

Finola1step Thu 25-Apr-13 17:52:13

Hi curryeater. Let me clarify a point for you from my previous post as you replied to it earlier. What the OP's husband is doing is not on. But the OP is not dealing with this particularly well either. The OP herself has said that she doesn't want to break up her family for this.

I am perhaps coming at this from a different viewpoint because last week my dad passed away. My mum and dad had been married for 44 years. And yes the way in which the OP's husband treats her is very important but, the washing up being a potential deal breaker is a flipping joke.

KansasCityOctopus Thu 25-Apr-13 17:59:20

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Patosshades Thu 25-Apr-13 18:05:55

The washing is only one in a long list of things this man excuses himself from it sounds like.

It's so depressing that so many women settle for so little from their partners.

OP when you say he won't put the children to bed, why does he get an opt out clause. They are 50% his children too, he needs to get off his entitled arse and pitch in with the boring grind of family life.

Overreactionoftheweek Thu 25-Apr-13 18:16:23

I know someone has already mentioned it but the "lucky to have him cleaning full stop" comment has awakened my rage monster!!

What the fuck are you talking about?!

Men don't get a medal for doing their fair share of childcare and housework - that's what a partnership is all about.

You'd really pity my dh, I tell him all the time that although I'm grateful he's an equal partner in everything, I'm certainly not throwing a parade in his honour because the alternative would make him a lazy twunt.

Op, your dh needs to pull his weight and you were quite right to call him at work. By not doing the pots, he made your life more difficult in the morning and he needs to realise that

MajorB Thu 25-Apr-13 18:18:17

Glad you're one of our generation Kansas grin not sure that set up would work in the OPs house by the sounds of their layout.

But I think the OP should suggest that her DP cooks dinner, puts the kids to bed and washes up tonight because she doesn't feel like it.

WTAF, the OP is lucky that her husband does some cleaning!?!?! shock

He's a grown fucking man! She cooked for him and put his children to bed, and he expects to sit on his arse and have her run about doing his jobs too?!

The OPs "job" is looking after 2 young children, if she manages to get any extra housework during the day, then she's doing her DH a favour. He should not be "helping her out" as it's his responsibilty too, it's his house!

I'm actually disgusted by some of the responses on here!


OP, seeing as you did your jobs last night, AND his, how about he does the same tonight? He can cook dinner, put the kids to bed, then come back downstairs and clean up. Fair's fair. grin

WHY WHY WHY do people think that when a woman becomes a wife and mother, a man loses the ability to clean? Presumably he cleaned when he lived alone, he cleaned before they had kids. Why does he lose the time, ability or expectation when they have kids?

The rule here is that DH does the same as he did when I wasn't at home and I do a bit more (because we no longer have a cleaner). Why should he do less? It's insane.

Thank fuck for AnyFucker, Tantrums and Hully and all the other non-handmaidens.

Wibblypiglikesbananas Thu 25-Apr-13 18:27:06

It sounds like isn't just about this one incident to me, rather a build up of resentment.

Your DH is so lucky to be out of the house for such a sort amount of time for work - is he not excited to see the children when he comes in? My DH can be out 12 hours a day and still comes in to do bath time at 7pm as he looks forward to seeing our daughter (and otherwise would hardly see her). I can then get on with dinner.

I think you need to have a proper chat about how you divide household chores fairly and how you can both get some downtime. It's not fair that you feel you shoulder the heaviest burden. Also talk about how he views your role - does he think that housework falls to you as you're at home all day? In the day, my focus is DD - as a SAHM, I did not give up work to clean! So, if it's a bit messy when he gets in, so it is.

ItsYoniYappy Thu 25-Apr-13 18:34:57

Gah... threads like this make me pleased I am single, even if I do have to all the dishes....

I may get a dishwasher, seems the answer to everything on MN, get a dishwasher and cleaner and all will be well.

Op has a dishwasher, her DH. She doesn't need another one

KansasCityOctopus Thu 25-Apr-13 18:35:50

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

nenevomito Thu 25-Apr-13 19:01:41

I am pretty shock at some of the responses on this thread. DH and I both pull our weight around the house and even when I was off on Mat Leave and at home with the children, he never saw it as it being my job to do all of the housework. We share things pretty evenly. He doesn't 'help me' with the house work, we both do it as its out house. Ditto the kids - although he tends to do a bit more because of the hours I work.

Men aren't incapable of doing housework or helping the woman by doing housework. If someone decides that they're suddenly not going to contribute as they can't be arsed, then they are behaving like a nob.

nenevomito Thu 25-Apr-13 19:02:30

p.s. Dishwashers are not a known cure for being a lazy arse.

FarmerNell Thu 25-Apr-13 19:13:22

melika actually it was a woman who invented the dishwasher

Baroozer Thu 25-Apr-13 19:35:05

YANBU. If that's the deal you made, that's the deal you should both stick to. You did. He didn't.

I'm not sure I would have phoned him up about it, but I would have definitely handed him the cooking stuff and the children as soon as he got home. He doesn't do his job one day and I have to do it for him, the next day it's my turn not to do my jobs, and he can pick up the slack.

Portofino Thu 25-Apr-13 19:39:45

FarmerNell, and I bet she had a slack arse eh as well grin

Portofino Thu 25-Apr-13 19:40:07

DH even.

Inertia Thu 25-Apr-13 19:46:34

Hully's 9.44 post sums it up completely. You are meant to be a team, you agreed how to share the tasks, you did yours, he cannot be arsed to do his.

When he is at work, you work too- you are providing childcare for two very young children. When you're both home, you both share the tasks.

Just a suggestion- how would it work if you put BF baby to bed, DH puts older child to bed, then you clear the kitchen together?

Portofino Thu 25-Apr-13 19:50:22

It always come down to having equal time off in my opinion. If you are a Sahm, you are still working. If you have full on tiny children you are not going to get much done really. If you have older / more amenable ones it should not be a trial to do some housework. Chores need to be divided up according to the particular circumstances in your house. And you should both get some relaxation time.

flippinada Thu 25-Apr-13 19:55:48

I started reading this thread and wondered if I'd accidentally happened upon StepfordNetHuns.

Thank goodness common sense has (generally) prevailed.

Smudging Thu 25-Apr-13 20:02:52

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Portofino Thu 25-Apr-13 20:05:23

And you have to make a point of not simpering and thanking your dh for loading the dishwasher / putting bins out / putting kids to bed.

Portofino Thu 25-Apr-13 20:08:13

[http://www.amazon.co.uk/Susan-Maushart/e/B001K7OYQI/ref=sr_ntt_srch_lnk_1?qid=1366916764&sr=8-1 Wife work] innit?

Portofino Thu 25-Apr-13 20:09:00

[http://www.amazon.co.uk/Susan-Maushart/e/B001K7OYQI/ref=sr_ntt_srch_lnk_1?qid=1366916764&sr=8-1 proper link]

Portofino Thu 25-Apr-13 20:10:24


greenformica Thu 25-Apr-13 20:11:38

rotate chores? He can cook alternate nights and put the kids down while you clean the dishes?

LisaMed Thu 25-Apr-13 20:12:38

You can get table top dishwashers. Mine cost @ £200.

I am in no position to advise otherwise. I had to get a dishwasher as no-one else can/will wash up. I came home from A&E shaken after suspected heart attack to iron shirts. Good luck.

HumphreyCobbler Thu 25-Apr-13 20:13:42

I am relieved this thread took a turn for the better.

I couldn't believe what I was reading earlier on.

Branleuse Thu 25-Apr-13 20:13:42

maybe something was dripfed or i should have read 6 pages of washing dishes, but if i couldnt be arsed to do the washing up one evening, i really wouldnt expect my dp to call me up and give me shit down the phone about it.

I am a lazy arse though

greenformica Thu 25-Apr-13 20:19:30

maybe don't cook for him if he fails to wash up the night before? Explain he needs to pull his weight. Pile up all his untidy mess in a box - bills, washing, sweet wrappers etc - just chuck it all in together out of your way.

clippityclop Thu 25-Apr-13 20:29:42

So change things! Unless there's anything else more serious going on I think you just need to compromise, can't be nice for dc if there's an atmosphere about household chores. How about you both take it in turns to read to each child, and then do the dishes together after they're asleep? Do you really have that many? They're little for such a short time and bedtime's really special at this age, share the pleasure. Get a dishwasher, unloading and loading it takes about 10mins tops all in in our house and there's four of us too. If you started batch cooking/freezing that can cut down the washing up big style. Get dc into good habits, clearing the table as soon as they're tall enough to reach the table top too. Good luck.

clippityclop Thu 25-Apr-13 20:32:40

So change things! Unless there's anything else more serious going on I think you just need to compromise, can't be nice for dc if there's an atmosphere about household chores. How about you both take it in turns to read to each child, and then do the dishes together after they're asleep? Do you really have that many? They're little for such a short time and bedtime's really special at this age, share the pleasure. Get a dishwasher, unloading and loading it takes about 10mins tops all in in our house and there's four of us too. If you started batch cooking/freezing that can cut down the washing up big style. Get dc into good habits, clearing the table as soon as they're tall enough to reach the table top too. Good luck.

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