AIBU to want DP to take a shower in the morning before work or just to wash at all?!!

(77 Posts)
williaminajetfighter Thu 25-Apr-13 07:06:09

My DP is 50 years old and in a well paid professional job. Over the last year he has stopped taking showers in the morning before work. Instead he sometimes just washes himself in the sink or not at all. He then douses himself with Right Guard deodorant covering not just his underarms but chest and bits.

He probably only has one or two showers a week and always at night.

This behaviour seems to stem from laziness as opposed to some ideologically about bathing frequency. He likes to jump out of bed at the latest time possible and race out the door - a shower would slow him down.

I am finding his behaviour puerile -- it's like living with a teenager not a grown man - and his hygiene lacking. He does not smell great. I have tried to raise this with him and he gets very angry. Thoughts??

Ps I don't think people do have to shower every day. i also think showering/bathing in the evening is ok but men do tend to sweat at night and a shower in the morning can really make a difference!

williaminajetfighter Thu 25-Apr-13 07:07:06

Sorry I meant 'ideology' not 'ideologically'...

Sirzy Thu 25-Apr-13 07:08:50

Yabu to expect him to shower in the mornings but yanbu to think he should have a wash in the mornjng.

I knowers exactly how you feel. I'm often repulsed at just how long between showers there is with my dp. But then I'm an every day girl I can't not bath or shower. This whole twice a week thing actually makes me nauseous!

Men can be disgusting

He showers once or twice a week, and you'd like him to double it? Sounds reasonable.

How does he respond when you suggest/request that he shower? Does he laugh it off or get offended?

Would he have a shower before bed instead? I take your point about night sweating but it would be an improvement. You could make a point of turning away from him in bed when he is getting whiffy.

It is unprofessional to smell of BO masked in product. Does his hair go scraggy? Could you pretend he looks younger when he is cleaner?

williaminajetfighter Thu 25-Apr-13 07:20:42

DP finds it irksome when I bring it up even though I'd want to know if I smelled! He shaves his head so less worry there.

I just hate that he always stinks like deodorant -- I'm not really swayed by the Lynx Effect!!

HollyBerryBush Thu 25-Apr-13 07:21:54

Isn't lack of personal hygiene one of the first markers of 'depression' ?

fluffyraggies Thu 25-Apr-13 07:26:05

holly i was going to say the same thing.

When my DH is feeling down the first casualty is his daily shower. He freely admits it.

HollyBerryBush Thu 25-Apr-13 07:29:29

Lack of personal hygeien and over/under sleeping - all red flags for stress/depression.

It's not always the case though. With my do it was always a case if he won't drag himself off the computer to do it at night and won't get out if bed in time in the morning. It's a bit better now has to help get kids ready but I've seen him go a week which is gross. Sometimes it's just laziness

AnyFucker Thu 25-Apr-13 07:30:40

It is also one of the first markers of "lack of respect for your partner"

catlady1 Thu 25-Apr-13 07:44:45

YANBU. My DP showers every other day, which I know is fairly normal, but he's a big bloke and he starts to stink. He only brushes his teeth once a day as well, his whole family do. Whereas I'm the other way and start to feel dirty as soon as I come out of the shower/bath. I do prefer to bath at night though, especially if I've got to be somewhere in the morning. I suppose its a bit different for men but I'd have to get up a good 45 minutes to an hour earlier in order to shower, dry my hair, style it etc. Plus at the moment we have a 5-week-old so its nigh on impossible for me to.shower when DP is at work.

EggsMichelle Thu 25-Apr-13 07:49:01

My dp is the same, but it's more evident when he is going through a depressive spell, how is your dp in himself? Is he demonstrating low mood etc? Is he happy in his job?

ENormaSnob Thu 25-Apr-13 07:54:13

Yanbu

Can you tell him the stench of lynx junk yard does nothing for your libido.

hotcrosbum Thu 25-Apr-13 08:01:44

My dh is the same.

He 'talks' about having a bath on a sunday night and sometimes does, but most of the time doesn't bother.

We first moved in together one August - he had his first bath in that flat in the October. He was a mature student then, I thought that when he started work it would be different. It hasn't been, I wish someone at work would notice and tell him.

He douses himself in aftershave. It's horrible and it means I have to change the bedding every three days or it stinks.

I bath or shower everyday, I feel filthy if I don't.

MrsSpagBol Thu 25-Apr-13 08:08:02

shock

Sorry not helpful but I am genuinely surprised at adults who don't wash everyday.

ENormaSnob Thu 25-Apr-13 08:16:00

Hotcros, how the hell do you shag him?

That is repulsive.

firesidechat Thu 25-Apr-13 08:16:11

YANBU

My husband has a shower every morning without fail and sometimes a bath in the evening to relax. He is very clean! I think I would feel a bit revolted by a partner who smelt bad.

lottiegarbanzo Thu 25-Apr-13 08:18:18

The lynx effect is foul, especially in older men. His colleagues are probably laughing at him for that.

We used to get occasional visitors to the office who reeked of aftershave, generally young men who were trying to hard to impress (and possibly didn't have GFs to tell them to tone it down) and we'd all, men and women, comment on it after they'd gone. Now I wonder if they were always as hyper-clean as I'd thought.

firesidechat Thu 25-Apr-13 08:21:50

Oh and he is slightly older than your husband and is in a professional job. Also wears lovely, expensive aftershave in moderation.

Bunbaker Thu 25-Apr-13 08:22:11

"but men do tend to sweat at night"

OH doesn't. He is not a sweaty person at all - he doesn't even need to wear antiperspirant even on a hot day. All his sweat comes through his feet. And yes, he does shower every day.

MrsDeVere Thu 25-Apr-13 08:26:16

MY OH spends half the sodding day faffing about in the bathroom.
Drives me insane.

Omg! Seriously? How do you guys go within touching distance let alone in the same bed as a man who does not shower at least once a day?

Wonder what bacteria would be growing in their groin area???

Can you all not withhold sex until they start having respect for you and themselves by making sure they are clean?

TheVDM Thu 25-Apr-13 08:28:18

I usually shower every day as I am a bit of a sweaty guy, some people can get away with once a week but most start to ming a bit after a day or two.

I do suffer with depression on and off and that tends to see the end of the daily shower. Also when I am on holiday I tend to let go a bit.

I personally find that a shower in the morning goes hand in hand with my coffee addiction as part of the waking up routine.

firesidechat Thu 25-Apr-13 08:31:06

I've just realised that my posts probably weren't the most helpful.

Your big problem seems to be that you have talked to him about it and he just got angry and, I assume, didn't change. Have you been together long? If you have and this is fairly new behavoir then I would agree with some other posters that he may be a bit depressed. How is he in other areas of his life?

Wishfulmakeupping Thu 25-Apr-13 08:33:19

My oh thinks its weird I brush my teeth more than once a day- men are tramps

MooMooSkit Thu 25-Apr-13 08:43:45

I have been in the same position as you OP, my ex was a filthbag and wouldn't shower very much so I wouldn't have sex if he wasn't clean. It's a total lack of respect IMO, why would I want it if his smelly and sweaty and cba to keep clean for me?!

williaminajetfighter Thu 25-Apr-13 08:49:26

Thx all. I don't think it's depression just general laziness. I am pg so we don't have sex much. Even before we have sex he won't shower just does a quick wash of his bits!!

Now I feel like dumping him!!!

fluffiphlox Thu 25-Apr-13 08:49:32

I don't think I could share a bed with a smelly partner. You are very forbearing.

Tailtwister Thu 25-Apr-13 08:51:16

Most people need to shower once a day, so YANBU to expect that at least. I agree it's desirable to do it in the morning too. Personally I couldn't leave the house without washing properly first, especially if I was going into work. I'd feel grotty all day if I didn't.

I don't know what to suggest. It seems strange that he used to do it and now doesn't. I don't want to scaremonger, but do you think he's not feeling quite himself? Maybe have a chat with him and try to get to the bottom of it.

80QuidYoniJob Thu 25-Apr-13 08:53:06

This thread has really shocked me.

HousewifeFromHeaven Thu 25-Apr-13 08:55:28

If there was a magic pill I could take rather than showering/washing my hair I would.

It's too much effort for me.

However I do do it religiously every other day for the benefit of my family.

See how nice I am? grin

Softlysoftly Thu 25-Apr-13 09:08:08

I don't think people have to shower every day but great for water wastage and nut necessary unless you are a sweaty person.

Wash and teeth Yes. DH does sweat so he showers every day sometimes every other. I only shower every other <<shrug>>

I am more shocked by comments such as "I feel dirty as soon as I step out the shower" and "withhold sex" tbh.

firesidechat Thu 25-Apr-13 09:30:24

Welll, if my husband smelt bad you can be sure that I would be "with holding" sex until he sorted it out.

It shows a lack of respect to not follow basic cleanliness especially when showers/baths and hot water are all within a few feet of where we all sleep. It's not like we have to boil up a few coppers and haul it up 3 flights of stairs these days. It is possible to shower very quickly and be clean at the end, so water wastage is no excuse.

I know that some people may actually like dirty sex (literally), but I would have thought that it was a minority sport and the OP doesn't appear too keen. BO isn't a great aphrodisiac for most of us.

lottiegarbanzo Thu 25-Apr-13 09:35:14

For all the flippancy, the word that really stood out in your OP was 'angry'. You try to discuss something with your partner and instead of listening and responding reasonably, he gets angry. Does he do that generally on other topics? often? The topic of discussion is far less the issue of concern than that reaction.

YouTheCat Thu 25-Apr-13 09:51:09

My ex would have 2 showers.... a year. I am not kidding either. He wasn't particularly stinky in a sweaty way, just reeked of booze most of the time.

If I mentioned it he would get all defensive and say his body was self-cleaning. hmm (He also thought the toilet was self-cleaning and everything else for that matter)

And he wondered why I wouldn't go near him with a barge pole.

LaQueen Thu 25-Apr-13 09:52:12

No. No. No.

We both shower every morning...DH will often also have a soak in the bath at night. DDs have had a bath every night since the day they came home from the hospital.

I hold no truck with this washing marlarkey...just a bowl of water, and using a flannel to essentially re-distribute the germs/hairs/sebum/bacteria/tagnets around your body with...how on Earth do people think that gets them fresh and clean hmm

"I have tried to raise this with him and he gets very angry. Thoughts??"
I would just keep raising it with him. 'You smell, and not in a good way." "You do know that deodorant can't cover the stale sweat smell. Together, it smells very sour." "Do you really think your workmates don't notice that smell?" ^"What's that smell? Oh yes, BO." And repeat, repeat, repeat. He gets angry because he knows you're telling him the truth.

harleyd Thu 25-Apr-13 10:41:16

everyone in my house showers at least once a day. anything less is just not acceptable.

Exactly as harleyd said .
2 adults , and 2 teens , shower and hair wash every day .
Couldn't sleep with a smelly man . Just no .

teacher123 Thu 25-Apr-13 10:52:58

I cannot even begin to imagine living with someone who did not have basic hygiene. It would be a total and utter deal breaker for me. Shower every morning for both of us here, quick splash in the bath for DS every evening, and I quite often have a bath at night as well. Also I don't buy this whole 'I don't have time for a shower in the morning' thing. It takes 2 minutes to have a wash and then 3 minutes to get dressed.

teacher123 Thu 25-Apr-13 10:53:28

Sorry as in 'it takes two minutes to have a shower'

Pandemoniaa Thu 25-Apr-13 11:14:01

YANBU. I couldn't live with a soap dodger. It'd be an absolute deal breaker. Also, if there's no underlying reason like depression, it's an indication of sheer laziness and a lack of respect for the person you live with. I couldn't start the day unclean and neither could DP. A shower is actually quicker and easier than faffing about with basins full of water too. So there's no excuse.

Even when I had teenage boys who would have liked to convince me that the Suffocating Smell of Lynx covered a deal of unwashed sins, daily showering was just an expected part of everyone's routine.

VenusRising Thu 25-Apr-13 11:22:44

You're pregnant?
He's angry when you bring somoething up in conversation?

You guys need to get some counselling - your baby will be a massive shock to your relationship, and you need to learn how to communicate, and be respectful before that baby arrives.

Babies are like bombs in a relationship, there's collateral damage all over the place. Make sure you're a solid team, or have reached a reasonable arrangement.

You guys need to get this sorted, whichever way suits you all best.

Crinkle77 Thu 25-Apr-13 11:27:21

At first I would have said yabu. I prefer to shower in the evening and see nothing wrong with a quick washi in the morning if need be but if he only showers a couple of days a week that is pretty minging. I think you need to be straight with him. My boyfriend is pretty clean and showers most days but if he doesn't and starts to smell I will tell him in a nice way that he needs to get in the shower

Startail Thu 25-Apr-13 11:37:26

Why do men get totally lazy about showers as they get older?

No one here goes in for more than two or three times a week, but DH has to be chased. Me and teen DDs go when we are dirty. Why is it beyond a grown man to do likewise? Why does he have to be told?

He doesn't get particularly smelly and he has hair that looks the same regardless if when it's been washed so I think he just forgets. He does get told no sex until he bothers now and again. He does shower then.

I don't think it's depression or anything else logical with DH, he's certainly not lazy.

Like clothes, he just doesn't notice as long as he's approximately clean and his outfit is work, casual, scruffy, dependent on need he doesn't care about the details.

I've always bought his clothes, as long as he puts shopping away and does the bins that's fine, chasing him to the shower is sodding annoying.

Perhaps if his DMIL hadn't made him bath every night in 3inch of water in a freezing house, he'd be better. She had to drag him away from some electronics project, 35 years later so do I.

Men never sodding grow up!

Vagndidit Thu 25-Apr-13 11:52:24

Encourage your Dp to workout every morning....then his dripping sweating self has no choice but to shower. My H's new addiction to running has saved our marriage.

livinginwonderland Thu 25-Apr-13 12:03:19

eurgh! how do people share a bed with partners who aren't clean?! my DP works a pretty physical job so he has a bath every day when he gets home from work - he might skip a day on the weekend but otherwise he's perfectly clean.

i shower in the evenings because i get off from work at 10pm and feel gross if i don't. i don't necessarily wash my hair everyday but i do make sure i've washed.

LadyBeagleEyes Thu 25-Apr-13 12:14:05

Yuck, just yuck.
I shower every day as does ds17.
I don't have a partner but my ex also showered every day.
I couldn't live with a man that didn't wash, it would be a deal breaker for me.

mrsmillsfanclub Thu 25-Apr-13 12:18:03

My mum is in her 80s & has severe mobility problems which make her feel very depressed. However, she still manages to show every day, sometimes twice if her pain isn't too bad that day. I wouldn't allow dp in our bed if he wasn't clean. It's a basic necessity.

mrsmillsfanclub Thu 25-Apr-13 12:18:33

Show=shower

Dahlen Thu 25-Apr-13 12:19:17

I don't think it's necessary to bathe/shower every day unless you're physically active. Although that makes me a hypocrite because I shower every morning and have a bath a couple of times a week as well.

However, it takes longer to have a good wash than it does to shower, so I can't see how time and/or effort can be used as an excuse not to have one.

Jan49 Thu 25-Apr-13 13:55:30

He won't come across as very professional in his professional job if he smells. I don't think it matters if he showers at night rather than in the morning but he needs to have more than 1 or 2 a week unless he washes all over at other times. I think a wash all over is fine, whether that's a shower, bath or sink. The shower is just quicker.
As he likes to be quick in the morning, could you encourage him to have a shower more often at night and make it clear his poor hygiene is a concern for you and for his job?

I'm a similar age to your OH and so is my ex-h. We grew up at a time when a weekly bath was probably the norm and I didn't live in a house with a shower until I was an adult. My ex-h and his elderly parents continue to believe now that a weekly bath or shower is enough. I used to hate spending a weekend at their house as they thought it was a bit cheeky to expect to use the shower or bath. My ex-h said my wanting to have a daily shower was obsessive and he sometimes suggested it indicated I might have some half-forgotten experience of abuse in childhood (no I haven't). I do think some people go the opposite extreme now though. My adult ds showers every second day and he seems clean and sweet smelling but any longer and he needs a shower. I shower daily but I'm fine if I wash in a sink instead.

Pigsmummy Thu 25-Apr-13 14:11:27

My DP probably showers 3 times a week and generally doesn't smell, I however shower daily and sometimes bathe in the evenings, (sadly not often due to baby). I am a secret armpit sniffer and always top up on deodorant.

If he sniffs I will tell him, I have the nose of a bloodhound. If it bothers you then I think that you have to tell him kindly, as a compromise how about he showers on arrival home from work?

Pigsmummy Thu 25-Apr-13 14:11:59

"sniffs" = whiffs

Latara Thu 25-Apr-13 14:22:28

My Dad is 65, works full time (starts at 7am) and still has a shower every morning.

Either your OP is lazy and cba'd, or he's showing early signs of depression.

I suffer with bouts of depression and the first thing that goes is the motivation to shower, eat properly or do anything much at all.
But when i'm well - i shower each morning, do make-up etc.

The thing is that he has a shaved head (so no hair washing needed); he's a man (so no shaving of body hair needed) therefore he only needs a 2-3 minute shower.

First tell him you are worried because he won't shower & ask if there's a problem.
If he gets angry point out that he may smell of BO at work and showering is very quick for most men.

It could be that he's refusing to shower because you are asking him to - some men can be very obstinate and immature even at 50.

complexnumber Thu 25-Apr-13 14:31:42

"It is unprofessional to smell of BO"

True MN wisdom.

I hope you have all taken note.

Latara Thu 25-Apr-13 14:35:47

PS. When i look after patients it amazes me how many (men mainly) wear the same boxers / pants all day for several days... and they reek.

I try to influence them to be less lazy but the amount of male patients who say ''well the wife's not here so i can relax'' is unbelieveable!

Ragwort Thu 25-Apr-13 14:37:53

Even before we have sex he won't shower just does a quick wash of his bits!! - shock - and you are attracted to this man???

Amused by all this talk of 'older men' at 50 grin - DH and I are both in our mid 50s but would always shower at least once a day and DH is even more obsessed about personal hygiene than I am.

fluffyraggies Thu 25-Apr-13 14:49:50

Poor OP. Your thread has been taken over with everyone else's partners washing habits grin

In your case i wonder why he is getting angry when you mention it. Does he get angry allot more recently?

DH has a manual job, so gets dirty - but isn't a sweaty person IYSWIM. He tends to shower every evening so he's clean enough for bed.

However i have to go against general opinion here and say i like the smell of him when he's a bit hot and ... slightly whiffy grin makes me actually more inclined to jump in the sack with him, not less blush

<randy>

LaQueen Thu 25-Apr-13 20:53:42

Once, we rented a cottage with the DDs, and the boiler failed.

I had to faff about with washes until it got fixed, and we could use shower/run a bath.

It was such a pain. And, it took so much longer than just a fast 2-3 minutes in the shower.

DH grew up in a house, where, sadly, a weekly bath was the norm sadWhen we got together, I made it clear that him not showering every day would be a deal breaker for me.

To this day, when we visit his parents, they (and ther house) have an instantly identifiable aroma of stale, unwashed bodies and hair.

And, yet they feel no need to bath/shower every day because we never do anything to work up a sweat.

Ick.

williaminajetfighter Thu 25-Apr-13 22:32:51

Thanks for everyone's comments. Who knew it would be such a lively debate?! grin

I'm going to have a proper talk and mention smelliness when I can. Sure it's laziness not depression and the anger is because he 'doesn't like being criticised' apparently!

Venus we already have a 6 year old but don't think couples counselling is needed for this issue. Not yet anyway....

maddening Fri 26-Apr-13 06:56:47

But if he showers ever night then he is showering daily plus a couple of mornings?

Ledkr Fri 26-Apr-13 07:17:05

Do you have sex with him? A dirty willy can increase the chances of cervical cancer or vaginal infections.
Yuck.

firesidechat Fri 26-Apr-13 08:42:55

He probably only has one or two showers a week and always at night.

maddening - this is what the OP said, so he doesn't shower daily.

valiumredhead Fri 26-Apr-13 08:56:16

To those with non showering dh's, do you have sex with them? Seriously, I'm sure a quick ' Oi, you must be joking if you think you are coming near me without having a shower' would do the trick, or have you tried that?

whois Fri 26-Apr-13 08:59:12

Gross. How do adults think its acceptable not to shower. Weird. Disgusting.

How come people at work haven't said anything? At my work you would have been told to sort out your personal hygiene, wearing overpowering perfume/ spray deodorant isn't acceptable in a professional environment.

maddening Fri 26-Apr-13 09:18:47

Ah got it - I read it as he always showers at night plus 2 times [dohh] &#9733;

maddening Fri 26-Apr-13 09:20:02

And in that case then yes he needs to up his hygiene routine

expatinscotland Fri 26-Apr-13 09:46:48

Boak! No daily shower is a dealbreaker for me, too.

ShellyBoobs Fri 26-Apr-13 10:38:24

I'm shock at some of the posts on this thread.

OH and I (and DD for that matter) shower at least once per day and obviously more than that if we've been doing exercise or anything else likely to work up a sweat.

I find the posts talking about 'men being immature', 'men being dirty', 'men never growing up' to be a bit off. Many, many men are very clean and perfectly mature, I'm sure.

And if you read the thread there are plenty of women saying they don't shower everyday, too. shock

I feel a little sick, actually.

amessagetoyouYoni Fri 26-Apr-13 10:41:16

YANBU. Basic personal hygeine is part of being a functioning adult.

My Dh showers every morning, and has a wash before bed, too. I wouldnt go anywhere near him if he didnt.

Jan49 Fri 26-Apr-13 11:34:57

Is it really possible to have a 2 minute shower? I keep reading things on here about 2 or 5 minutes in the shower. I timed myself a few times when I was somewhere that had a super efficient electric shower and it took 10 minutes from turning the water on to turning it off, 15 if I washed my hair. Having a shower in the morning adds half an hour to the time it takes me to get ready, compared to if I just had a quick wash at the sink which would take under 5 minutes. Yes, I've timed it!
I timed my ds in the shower today - I could hear the water running - and it took 15 minutes including hairwash.

Before anyone comments about excessive water usage, obviously how much water you use will depend on the kind of shower, not just how long it's on for. We've got a bath with a bath and shower fixture on the taps, not a power shower. So hopefully not too bad.smile

Jan you would be quicker in a power shower. It takes two or three minutes to get your hair thoroughly wet, let alone everything else.

When I had a power shower my full turn on to turn off including hair was under five minutes. Now, just on tank pressure, it is more like 15-20.

Dahlen Fri 26-Apr-13 12:38:35

Jan - what are you doing for 10 minutes? Do you have an over-the-bath-run-off-taps shower where you spend ages trying to get the right temperature?

I have a power shower so it's turn on, step under, lather up, rinse off, get out. I can shower in 2 mins, but it only takes 5 when I'm washing my hair. It only takes about 8 minutes if I'm shaving as well.

Jan49 Fri 26-Apr-13 13:28:51

LOL It sounds like the answer is that a power shower is much quicker. We're renting so we don't have a choice. We have a bath with a bath/shower attachment and a combination boiler. The temperature is mostly fine but usually needs adjusting a few times while showering. I step in, rinse water all over me, then soap all over, then rinse it all off. Sounds quick when I put it like that. But isn't.smile

LaQueen Fri 26-Apr-13 16:10:14

Jan I think there must be something wrong with your shower?

I only take 5-6 minutes to shower, and in that time I manage to exfoliate/wash/condition my hair. It's a power shower though. Very fast, and it drenches you.

But, even if it took me 20 minutes, I would still always, always have a shower. Yes, even if that meant having to get up 20 minutes earlier - because the thought of starting the day with yesterday's debris and stale aroma on my skin, just makes me erk confused

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