To not want DP's ex to fly halfway across the world to visit him?

(155 Posts)
SlumberingDormouse Wed 24-Apr-13 13:25:57

A bit of background though I want to keep this short and relatively unidentifiable - we've been together a year; he was with her for a year from 2010-2011. She broke up with him after she cheated multiple times, lied to him about having a terminal illness, borrowed hundreds of pounds off him that she still hasn't paid back, etc. She then emigrated. Since she moved to Oz she has kept in touch with my DP even after we got together. She posts private jokes on his FB wall and tags him in pictures from years ago so they show up as most recent! All very annoying and we have argued over it, but I've snooped blush so I know for certain there's nothing more going on. My DP is lovely, almost too nice sometimes. He worries about hurting people. I have however persuaded him to take a harder line with her and he has now successfully got back some of the money she owed him. But now she wants to fly back and visit him! I don't think it's likely to happen as she has no money. But if it does, I really don't want him to see her. I think it is inappropriate as we are serious (discussing getting engaged) and she continues to try to manipulate him. AIBU?

CocacolaMum Wed 24-Apr-13 13:42:51

YANBU. I used to have MAJOR issues over my OH's ex. Mainly because she was a dirty cheating skankwhore engaged when she started seeing my OH behind her fiances back. It didn't sit well with me at all that they were exchanging texts and messages but after a few years of snooping (I know I know, not proud of it) and having arguements about it I realised that it didn't matter and every time she sent him a message such as "do you remember our secret meetings?" or "nobody has ever known me like you did" my lovely OH would reply with something like "blimey, thats sad. How does your husband feel bout that?" until it dawned on me that I could actually trust him (big deal for me, I don't do this easily) ..

You aren't alone in this, I bet its a more widespread issue than many would admit too, just remember she sounds like a fucking train wreck and your DP knows this more than anyone x

SirBoobAlot Wed 24-Apr-13 13:46:49

If he's decided to remain friends with her, and you're not happy with it, you either need to suck it up or walk away. Know it's a tough one as DPs ex is similar to her, but there's nothing you can do to make him act differently; it has to be his own call.

FWIW DP now has no contact with her ex, through his own choice, but it wouldn't have happened any quicker if I had stamped my feet and said ''You're not seeing her''.

WorraLiberty Wed 24-Apr-13 13:53:08

God she'd have some front to only pay back some of the money she owes him and blow the rest on a flight from Oz.

And if he puts up with that, he needs to grow a spine and tell her he wants the rest of his money.

I think that's the only issue I'd have with it to be honest.

abbyfromoz Wed 24-Apr-13 14:02:30

If i didn't know my DH better i would say are we talking about the same EX? Lol... This happened with me. It will take a while (6 years now!) but she will piss off eventually. I ended up having 'friendly' words with her although never met face to face- just explained how i felt and that since they had parted ways and were clearly moving on with their lives, perhaps so much involvement was unnecessary. I said nothing against you as a person but ex relationships on the scene while new relationships are developing is inappropriate and a little disrespectful to the degree which she was trying to be involved (he still paid her phone bill!!!) no hard feelings- she's now married (finally someone else's problem) and seems to understand that skyping, visits, contacting parents in law to say she misses them etc is really encroaching on another woman's territory and although i realise they shared a good deal of their lives, now i am the one sharing his life and she needs to BACK OFF! lol...wink

SlumberingDormouse Wed 24-Apr-13 14:30:36

Thanks so much for the responses so far. I've found them very reassuring.

CocacolaMum - you've hit the nail on the head and the situations you mention sound very familiar! I DO trust my DP as he has never given me any reason not to. I am blissfully happy with him and this is literally the only thing we've ever argued about in a year. I just don't trust his ex. I think she is a toxic person and doesn't deserve to be in his life given the way she's treated him. FWIW, I'd feel the same way if it were a friend who had treated him so badly.

SirBoobALot - I agree. I accept the fact that they are still in touch though obviously I'd prefer it if they weren't. For me, I am more than willing to put up with this since he is such a brilliant DP. I'm not going to ask them to stop speaking from time to time, but I will put my foot down if she makes such a long journey just to visit him.

WorraLiberty - she's a train wreck - can't hold down a job, etc. Frankly I'm just happy my DP got some of the money back (albeit a fraction of what she owes him). To get all of it back would be nice but I'm not holding my breath... I'm picking my battles on this one.

abbyfromoz - That's good to know. His ex is contacting him less than she used to so I'm hoping it will eventually dry up. She does have an uncanny knack though of posting on his wall right before I have an important interview or something! She's like a dog with a bone in terms of insisting that they stay in touch whereas he's not really bothered and rarely replies to her messages these days.

JustinBsMum Wed 24-Apr-13 14:31:48

Keep tabs on things then if she is coming over you can arrange to be away for hols or similar with DP just after she arrives, make sure you are with DP on any meet ups (preferably just after she arrives and is totally jetlagged) and anything else to scupper her 'reunion'.

SlumberingDormouse Wed 24-Apr-13 14:40:54

Haha this is true. She nearly visited a few months ago (she called it off at the last minute) and she wanted to meet him on a day when I was working and couldn't change it. She also wanted him to collect her at the airport and take her out for dinner at 'their restaurant', hmm but I nipped those in the bud straight away when I found out. I really didn't want them to be alone together. He says we'd be miserable if we met but in my mind, them meeting up alone isn't appropriate in this situation. I'm hoping it'll never happen but dreading it will as she is very keen!

fromparistoberlin Wed 24-Apr-13 14:45:04

this is not helpful. but I would be tempted to drink a bottle of wine, log into his facebook and defriend the bitch

LIke I said, not helpful!!!!

diddl Wed 24-Apr-13 14:48:38

Doesn't matter if you trust her or not-it's him!

If he can be trusted, there's no problem!

That said-I do wonder why he keeps in contact with someone who treated him like shit.

I've never stayed friends with exes-been polite if necessary-nothing more.

SlumberingDormouse Wed 24-Apr-13 14:48:56

I'm friends with her too. I like keeping my friends close and... grin

ENormaSnob Wed 24-Apr-13 15:24:06

Why on earth does he want to be mates with someone that treated him like shut and still owes him money?

Does he have a spine at all? Or is there a reason he let's her walk all over him?

AprilAndFrank Wed 24-Apr-13 15:41:39

I don't want to come across as mean but you said you snooped about behind his back. Thats really not a good sign that you trust him.

And if theres no trust in the relationship it's probably not going to end well.

SlumberingDormouse Sat 27-Apr-13 10:47:54

He doesn't really want to be mates with her but she insists. I've just had a lovely few days with him only marred by her calling him. A long-distance phonecall when she has no money - for what?! He didn't pick up. Most of the time he ignores her and then she emotionally blackmails him into responding. I want to get over this but it's hard. Just when I think I'm feeling better about it, she bloody PHONES him when we're on a romantic break together. Or posts private jokes on his FB wall the morning I have a job interview. Or something. It could all be a coincidence that she pops up again at the most inopportune moments but she's very manipulative so I think not. It's bloody irritating and sets off those feelings of annoyance and yes, jealousy, every time. I'm probably massively overreacting by now to simple things like calls and FB posts but they all set off the feelings.

I do feel bad for snooping but I needed to know that there's nothing still going on with this girl. I've been cheated on before and won't be taken for a fool. I didn't and wouldn't look at any of his other emails. I would only snoop on specific concerns - I'm not proud of it but think it's understandable giving the level of contact they had when we first started dating. FWIW, he actually knows I snooped (I told him). He wasn't thrilled but understood why I did it.

StuntGirl Sat 27-Apr-13 10:58:34

She can insist all she likes, if he cuts contact, defriends her and ignores her efforts to get in touch she can't be his friend can she?

The problem is your partner, not this woman. If he wants to stay friends you need to suck it up and accept it. If he doesn't he needs to suck it up and end the friendship.

TidyDancer Sat 27-Apr-13 11:01:02

This isn't a decision for you to make I'm afraid. If your DP wants to stay in touch with her, he will. And I don't believe that he doesn't want to stay in touch with her, if he didn't want to he wouldn't. No matter what is said.

I also think the snooping is very bad and tbh it doesn't sound like you have a wonderful basis for a relationship. You don't trust him (if you did, you wouldn't invade his privacy like that) and you want to get involved in his friendships. It is not up to you which friends he has or if he spends time with them.

Not trusting your DP in the early part of the relationship is not a good sign.

Why are you 'nipping it in the bud' and not your partner?

The where, why and when of him seeing her aren't your business, if he is a decent guy he will realise its inappropriate and tell her himself, if he isn't then he will go along with it. Also the money is none of your business either. He isn't a child who needs looking after and protecting from this 'manipulative woman'.

Honestly, you sound a bit controlling. I wouldn't put up with being told who I could meet up with and where, and I wouldn't put up with someone snooping around in my emails/texts either.

GlassofRose Sat 27-Apr-13 11:21:19

"He doesn't really want to be mates with her but she insists."

Sorry OP, but your DP is responsible for their friendship. If he didn't want to be her friend then he could easily delete her off his Facebook, block her, ignore her calls/texts. If he really didn't want to be friends with her he wouldn't agree to possibly meeting her if she visits.

If I was being annoyed by an ex partner and they moved so far away that they weren't a problem then unless I needed the money they owed I think I'd cut my losses and count my blessings.

I sympathise with you, but like other posters have said, you can't choose your partners friends. I'm with stuntgirl on this, your partners the problem not her.

HoHoHoNoYouDont Sat 27-Apr-13 11:29:56

If your partner doesn't really want any contact with her then he needs to grow a pair and end it now. The fact he hasn't says more about him than his annoying ex. Why not be upfront with him and ask him why he continues to have contact with her considering she's treated him like shit.

shockers Sat 27-Apr-13 11:31:46

She probably thinks that as she still owes him money, she has a reason to keep contacting, and he has a reason to respond.

I'd cut my losses and tell her to keep it.

NotTreadingGrapes Sat 27-Apr-13 11:36:56

And you have proof of all this madster behaviour do you? Or has he told you?

Because it sounds so very familiar from so very many posts on MN y'know. He is an angel, she is a bunny boiler....

Dp has a bunnyboiling ex, also in Australia. I know she is a BB because she used to tell me she was a witch and could magic me away. She used to ring me, night and day, and moved into my apartment when I left it.

She is not on dp's Facebook. Just saying like.

NotTreadingGrapes Sat 27-Apr-13 11:38:53

Does he pick up her phone calls when you aren't there?

Hissy Sat 27-Apr-13 11:42:25

Sorry love, but you don't have an Ex problem, you have a DP problem.

If he knows how much you are pissed off by her OPENLY stirring, why is HE not the one that nips this in the bud.

After a year, you have some kind of right for him to have dealt with his baggage and moved on.

He does need to write off that money, tell her that he wishes her all the best, but that he's got enough decent friends around him, and a great girlfriend, and he doesn't want her wasting her money/time or life hanging on for him.

It's not being cruel, it's being honest and she deserves little more than that, given her cheating etc.

I'd have a serious conversation with him, lay down your boundaries and say you have been patient enough, but that enough is enough.

Hissy Sat 27-Apr-13 11:43:40

My Ex had a flaming psychotic Colombian Ex for 10 bastard years.

I should have made him the Ex, the week I met him. <slaps self>

specialsubject Sat 27-Apr-13 11:50:53

joining the chorus - she's on the other side of the planet so she's easy to ignore, IF your partner blocked her on facebook, didn't take her calls, deleted her emails etc.

is he rather enjoying the attention?

MarmaladeTwatkins Sat 27-Apr-13 11:59:41

She lives in Australia. It would be really easy for your DP to have zero contact with her. She cannot force him to be her friend unless she has special powers that can work their way through the internet into DP's computer... Basically, there is a want on both sides, for whatever reason. If she is such a loon, why is he still in contact with her? Even the most spineless man in the world should be capable of clickng on "block" on Facebook security settings.

pinkyredrose Sat 27-Apr-13 12:11:06

He's mates with her because he wants to be. Wake up OP.

NotTreadingGrapes Sat 27-Apr-13 12:14:30

I wouldn't be taking your snooping as gospel either tbh. So easy to not let you see what he doesn't want you to see on FB/emailing etc.

If you start from the premise that he lets you see what he wants you to, then it's easy to believe she's a whackjob, but life is rarely that cut and dry especially where "ex" whacksters (or not) are concerned.

Some men really get off on having 'mad' XPs who won't leave them alone. They like the idea that they are so irresistible women compete for their attention and can never get over being dumped by them. He's getting something out of continued contact with her. Possibly even pleasure in the fact that you are wound up by it - he likes the idea that you are jealous and insecure, because he's such a fucking prize you have to do your best to keep him.

You could try simply ignoring her and his contact with her. See if that changes anything - if he is no longer getting the satisfaction of seeing you wound up by it, he might decide he's bored with her as well.

Jestrin Sat 27-Apr-13 12:44:55

I'm agreeing with the others...she lives in Australia. It would be incredibly easy for your DP to break contact with her!

Hissy Sat 27-Apr-13 12:51:18

I used to quake at all threats from his Ex, but in the end I decided that I would wait until she actually rocked up...

she never did, and he is finally an Ex...

diddl Sat 27-Apr-13 13:05:12

"He doesn't really want to be mates with her but she insists."

Hahahahaha!

SlumberingDormouse Tue 30-Apr-13 15:19:31

I'm starting to think you're all right... DP's ex has been all over his Fb wall again today, saying: 'I can't wait to come and visit you and your lovely parents and beautiful girlfriend'. hmm Well, his parents certainly won't be interested because they hate her after the way she treated their son! (His mum has actually told me this.) She also asked my DP to call her tonight; he said yes immediately and they agreed a time. I feel humiliated with this being all over his wall for anyone to see. I am so upset. I feel like I'm going mad. I don't know what more I can say to get through to him and I feel so overwhelmed that I'm turning off my phone today while I'm working and seeing friends. I can't talk to him right now until I've calmed down. Sorry for the rant... I know I'm probably overreacting but I feel like I'm just not being listened to here.

LadyHarrietdeSpook Tue 30-Apr-13 15:35:17

DH's ex-girlfriend was around early on in our relationship. Won't go into details here as would be massive hijack but there is a difference between someone being on the receiving end of someone ringing etc and taking active steps to remain in touch. Does he ever contact her of his own volition?

If she is a genuine loon he may think he's 'managing' the situation by remaining friends on FB - he may be afraid of what she'd do if he really cut her off. Do you think it's this? Is there any evidence of this?

DesperatelySeekingSedatives Tue 30-Apr-13 15:36:56

Kick him to the curb. massaging his own ego is more important to him than your feelings. She is probably a means to an end.

I'd give him lots and lots of space and time to see this "psycho ex" hmm see if he's even interested in her then, once you stop reacting to the situation even though it'd kill me I don't know you but I know you deserve a DP who isnt such a giant twat and takes your feelings into account.

NotTreadingGrapes Tue 30-Apr-13 15:37:23

You aren't overreacting. You haven't reacted enough up until now.

You need to have this out with him, for once and for all. Do I remember correctly you are FB friends with her as well? Start by getting rid.

SlumberingDormouse Tue 30-Apr-13 15:39:08

He doesn't contact her of his own volition unless I've nagged and nagged him to get something resolved (e.g. bills and things that he was still paying for her until recently sad). When she contacts him, sometimes he ignores it and sometimes he doesn't. He got back to her very quickly today though (publicly) despite the fact that we'd JUST had a discussion about how sad the whole thing is making me. There is some evidence of her being a genuine loon: she lied to him about having terminal cancer, and she has threatened to kill herself in the past if he broke off contact.

SlumberingDormouse Tue 30-Apr-13 15:40:34

I don't mind them keeping in contact (I exchange the occasional email with some very old exes), but I DO mind long Skype calls and VISITS TO THE OTHER SIDE OF THE WORLD! angry

mirai Tue 30-Apr-13 15:42:53

I totally agree with fromparistoberlin!

LemonPeculiarJones Tue 30-Apr-13 15:43:27

Your DP is being pathetic. He is making a choice. He doesn't seem to care at all how appropriate his behaviour is or how much it's upsetting you.

He is not prioritising you - he is prioritising her. You are coming second place here.

No advice really other than for me, it would be a deal-breaker.

DontmindifIdo Tue 30-Apr-13 15:46:28

It would make sense to sit him down, say you want to take the emotion out of this, but can he not see she's making him look a fool? She knows she owes him money, she has the money as she was going to book a flight with it, so why is she not giving him the money back? Can he not send her a message saying "actually EXP, while it would be nice to meet up, I'd rather have the £x you owe me first, if you can't afford to pay me back, understood, but then how can you afford the flight?"

If he won't do this, then it might be that he really, really wants to see her. He's staying in contact and not pushing for the money back because he still cares.

I actually wouldn't want to be second prize. Ifyou aren't living together and don't have DCs, and have only been together for a year, then possibly time to cut your losses.

JerseySpud Tue 30-Apr-13 15:50:13

I wish my husbands ex lived in Australia. Then that isn't too far away from us. She's caused more problems for the family that anything else.

But in your case OP i think you need to get DP to understand how much it upsets you, and like Dontmind said, get DP to tell EXP to give him the money back first rather than waste on flights

SlumberingDormouse Tue 30-Apr-13 15:52:17

I guess I should clarify that she has a lot of air miles through her parents so the flight cost isn't an issue. This worries me more as it means she could literally turn up at any point, even though she has no money. Sorry to drip feed, but DP only told me this recently, since I originally posted this.

Loa Tue 30-Apr-13 15:53:52

I feel so overwhelmed that I'm turning off my phone today while I'm working and seeing friends.

Do more of this whenever she makes contact, don't do the nagging to get things resolved (may be why she is niggling you), delete from your FB and don't go snooping with his.

Refuse to discuss the woman and if he tries - be busy with other things.

In the unlikely event she does come over and see your DP - I would suggest being very very busy with other things to busy to see DP or let this woman upset you. Though at this point asking how she can afford this but not pay him back comments might be appropriate.

Stop making this person your problem.

Your DP need to get rid of ex or mange her so she doesn't affect his current life.

Loa Tue 30-Apr-13 15:55:49

flight cost isn't an issue

Accommodation, food, other transport to and from airport, meals out and time away from earning money to pay back your DP all are though.

AnyFucker Tue 30-Apr-13 15:58:37

You are actually under reacting, love

I would not let a man do this at all, never mind so publicly

No one makes me look like a mug, I am quite capable of doing that for myself thank you very much

ryanboy Tue 30-Apr-13 16:06:29

She is going to try to use your place as a pad for her holiday, lifts here there and everywhere and will also probably try to get more money off your DP.That will be the reason why she paid him a little back.

SlumberingDormouse Tue 30-Apr-13 16:14:39

We don't live together but I suspect so. She's already asked for a lift from the airport and meals out. I bet she'll end up asking for somewhere to stay too as she doesn't have many friends here (surprise surprise).

Ruralninja Tue 30-Apr-13 16:29:11

OP what are you sleepwalking into?! How is any of your DPs or her behavior acceptable? you are under-reacting & your dp has a choice to make!

Dahlen Tue 30-Apr-13 16:30:23

shock I'm afraid your DP is a spineless sap who is going to get walked over his whole life. I wouldn't throw in my lot with him if it were me in your shoes. If he's like this with an X who lives on the other side of the world, imagine what he'd be like under any real pressure. He could be persuaded into anything! You'll spend your whole life as one giant risk-assessment and damage limitation exercise.

Loa Tue 30-Apr-13 16:31:55

Honestly - sounds like he not over her.

Why else stay in touch with someone whose stolen and so publicly lied to him to the detriment of new relationships - and give them a chance to do so publicly again.

BarredfromhavingStella Tue 30-Apr-13 16:33:00

A psycho ex that's on the other side of the world is very easy to shut out of your life if you so wish...

He's taking you for a mug & you're letting him, time to sit down for a cards on the table sort of chat, at least then you'll truly know where you stand.

Floggingmolly Tue 30-Apr-13 16:38:01

She wants to fly halfway round the world to meet him at "their" restaurant? hmm
If he's serious about being with you now; this is unbelievably inappropriate! If he's not prepared to tell her firmly that it's time they both moved on, he's obviously not over her.
I certainly wouldn't hang around while he dithers between you. Move on yourself, he's not going to.

NotTreadingGrapes Tue 30-Apr-13 17:05:55

You really are concentrating on the wrong person here.

It is not about what she is doing. It's about what he is doing.

And all this continuing contact is happening because he doesn't want it not to.

You need to wake up here, seriously. He is taking the piss.

And I'd be willing to bet she's not nearly as "psycho" as you've been led to believe, but rather she is not quite as aware as you that her relationship is definitely over with him.

And why's that? Because he hasn't bothered to tell her.

How much of her "psycho" contact stuff do you hear about through him? "oooh guess what MadAussieBitch said today ho ho ho" Does it go something like that? While the FB pages look as if they are getting on like a house on fire right?

That's because they are.

greenformica Tue 30-Apr-13 17:08:33

If he loves you he will stay with you. What does it matter if the ex visits?

greenformica Tue 30-Apr-13 17:09:00

I think a person can be friends with an ex.

AnyFucker Tue 30-Apr-13 17:09:58

I don't think this DP is a spineless sap at all

I think he is rather enjoying all the attention of 2 women. I think he still fancies her and rather than put off her visit he is slyly encouraging it.

I think if this woman comes over for a visit and stays at his place (you know it's going to happen, OP) his dick will accidentally enter her vagina

He can't help it though, he is easily led

FFS

DontmindifIdo Tue 30-Apr-13 17:14:05

I'd not mention it again to him. Refuse to discuss, say things like "oh, you give your exgirlfriend far too much headspace, you could jsut cut her off if you want too, Im just not interested in her anymore". Then just "not interested."

don't comment if she texts or calls when you are there, just "oh right." and blank face.

He knows you aren't happy about her, so it seems to me either he doesn't want to end his relationship with her, or he's using her as a way to keep you on your toes.

This behaviour will take the power away from him if he's using her to manipulate you, and if he's still in love with her, then you stopping putting restrictions on them will soon make that clear.

If she does come over though, I'd consider your relationship with him over from the moment he picks her up from the airport. You do't need to give him an ultimatum, just be "too busy to see him" when she's over and then afterwards dump him.

He's treating you with no respect if he does encourage her to come over and stay with him, go on dates etc, there's no point being with him.

greenformica Tue 30-Apr-13 17:14:42

I think you are massively insecure by the way and need to calm down. Totally overreacting about phonecalls and FB posts. Stop reading her FB posts and don't answer the calls if it stresses you out. You have to learn to trust your DP.

Squitten Tue 30-Apr-13 17:17:37

Look OP, I think you should open your eyes a bit here because you are either hopelessly naive or unwilling to see what's under your nose.

She lives in Australia. It would be but the work of a moment to defriend her, block her number and put an end to it. He doesn't want to - not because she's forcing him to do it, not because he's incapable of managing his own life, but because he WANTS to stay friends with her.

He obviously doesn't care that it upsets you, otherwise he wouldn't do it. After all, she's nobody to him... right? hmm And not only that but he's publicly parading it on FB so that all your friends can see him doing it too. Excellent way to respect your feelings.

Time to wake up and smell the Java. You are being made a fool of here.

Floggingmolly Tue 30-Apr-13 17:24:53

Are you as naive as your posts suggest, greenformica?

TheBookofRuth Tue 30-Apr-13 17:27:38

Bloody hell, is it an Aussie girl thing?! DH and his ex broke up over a decade ago (when she left him - also owing him thousands), he and I have been together for nine years and married for 5, and yet she (despite having returned to Oz years ago, and being married with a child herself), still stays in touch with his mother and sister, has them to stay with her and comes over at least once a year to visit them.

DH, thankfully, has refused to keep in touch with her and has told his family how uncomfortable it makes him that they still do, not that it has made any damn difference. Well, except now they lie about it. MIL tried to keep her last visit a secret, and when we found out claimed it was a surprise visit. From AUSTRALIA.

I mean, you'd at least call ahead and check they're going to be in, right? grin

StuntGirl Tue 30-Apr-13 17:32:26

She's not being insecure, he's behaving like an idiot and she is behaving exactly as one would expect when your partner lies and is shifty.

Dormouse, you're not over reacting. You're basically underreacting. You both know he could end contact if he wanted, for whatever reason he doesn't want to. I suspect he likes the attention. I would absolutely not be considering living with someone like this, and like hell would I be considering having children with someone like this.

Flisspaps Tue 30-Apr-13 17:41:17

greenformica are you the ex? grin

Flisspaps Tue 30-Apr-13 17:41:44

Or the DP wink

I agree with the majority. Sorry, door mouse. It would be easy for him to message; look, you cheated on me, you lied catastrophically to me and you stole money from me. I don't want to see you again.

The fact that he won't do that speaks volumes. He gets something out of this - and whatever it is, it's not respectful to you.

Is he friends with all his exes or is it just this one?

Maybe, he's planning to end the friendship on the call tonight - if you made it clear how you feel yesterday...

If not, I would dump him, sorry. I would say I can't respect someone who runs around like a little doggy after someone who has treated him so badly.

LittleMissLucy Tue 30-Apr-13 18:02:26

Have you asked him to consider cutting her off completely?

neontetra Tue 30-Apr-13 18:17:19

This sort of thing happened to one of my closest friends, and we very nearly fell out over it actually, because I had such a low opinion of her then dp (now dh) over it, whereas she, of course, loved him, even though his relationship with his ex was making her sad. But years on, he has now fully cut contact with the ex, and he and my friend are married and incredibly happy. So it can get better. In this case, I came to understand in time (not that it really had anything to do with me, but still) that the guy's relationship with his ex had been very, very emotionally abusive (her abusing him), and this was what made it really hard for him to totally sever contact - she still had power over him, in many ways. So I'm just trying to say that not everyone who stays in contact with mad ex against their partner's wishes is just being an attention-seeking twat - there can be more to it. Good luck, OP.

ladyjadie Tue 30-Apr-13 18:19:02

I'm interested to know why he doesn't just block her. And how this emotional blackmail she imparts actually works, if she was so awful to him? Surely if he really really couldn't stand her contact he could use her bad treatment of him to cut her off without a minute's flicker on his conscience? It isn't because he is too nice, surely?

Your DP is being a prize dickhead and prioritising his ex's feelings over yours.

I would absolutely not stand for this - give him an ultimatum. He either cuts all contact or you're gone.

She only has the power to upset you because he is letting her. You'll find any man worth his salt would absolutely not do this OP.

SlumberingDormouse Tue 30-Apr-13 18:58:08

I did ask him to cut her off once, early on in our relationship when she had publicly and heavily implied that he was an idiot to get together with me. He said that if push came to shove he would choose me but asked me not to make him choose as it would really upset him. hmm It sounds stupid now, I know... I ended up texting him earlier as he kept calling me. I said that I was upset and why, and that I didn't feel we were getting anywhere with this as he knows where I stand. He replied with, 'I'm sorry you're upset but I can't stop her posting on my wall.' BUT HE CAN! He could ask her not to do it, or delete it, or (best of all) delete and block her. I'm still so upset and couldn't concentrate at work this afternoon at all. He needs to have a firm word with her or I'm off.

SlumberingDormouse Tue 30-Apr-13 18:58:58

He says he's sorry for her because she's had such a hard time (a very serious car crash last year which put her in hospital for a month; I know this is true) and 'she needs his support'. Like hell she does.

TheRealFellatio Tue 30-Apr-13 19:00:52

what kind of a man wants to maintain a friendship with an ex-girlfriend who lied to him about a terminal illness? confused

HoneyStepMummy Tue 30-Apr-13 19:02:28

This sounds like emotional cheating. It's almost like he's leading her on by letting this happen, while driving you nuts at the same time.

It's very, very easy to either block or ignore an ex. Trust me. I would also give him an ultimatum. By allowing her st stay in his life he's completely distrespecting you. It doesn't matter if he's cheating or not, you've made it clear that this really upsets you yet he keeps doing it.

Oh, and "exs" don't travel half way across the world to see each other. You sound like a nice person and deserve much better. Hope it all works out for you.

SlumberingDormouse Tue 30-Apr-13 19:03:28

Well, exactly... I would tell him to cut any of his friends off if they had pulled a stunt like that.

AnyFucker Tue 30-Apr-13 19:06:54

He is taking you for a mug. Are you a mug ?

HoneyStepMummy Tue 30-Apr-13 19:12:37

And you already asked him to cut her off and he refused by passive aggressivly saying he would "be really sad". You said there's "nothing more going on" but isn't the stuff that is going on enough? He's letting her post inapropiate things on FB, he's making arrangements to spend time with her when she flies half way across the world to see him.

LittleMissLucy Tue 30-Apr-13 20:36:34

I don't want to go into too many details but I had a situation similar to this, except the ex was in London and was a loony who texted my DP about well, 20 x per day.

I explained to him that feeling sorry for her was one thing, but having to continue to take the role of her knight in shining armour was quite another and that he couldn't be involved emotionally with two women at once. She had in fact, stopped him having a serious relationship with another woman for about a decade - she was that old of an ex.

It was like a lightbulb went off in his head and he just stopped responding to her demands. And then she just stopped making them. It was quite a relief. No big show down, no ultimatums.

I hope you can find a way through this, as I know 1st hand how unsettling it can be, and disruptive.

Floggingmolly Tue 30-Apr-13 20:59:48

He asked you not to make him choose between you because it would upset him too much??? He's having a laugh, and you appear to have no self esteem whatsoever.
Why the hell didn't you just walk?

Xales Tue 30-Apr-13 21:12:00

He has made it clear to you that he is not going to stop contacting her no matter how it upsets you.

You don't have the right to stop him having who he wants as a friend/emotional relationship.

You do have the right to say I am not being a part of this and walking away.

LittleMissLucy Tue 30-Apr-13 21:17:46

why doesn't she have the right to say he shouldn't be emotionally involved with another woman with whom he had a romantic relationship, when its directly and adversely impacting on their relationship? Surely thats not a hard and fast rule, its open to discussion.

Squitten Tue 30-Apr-13 21:22:25

Ok so there you have it OP. He has told you loud and clear that he won't give her up. You can't force him to do otherwise.

So what are YOU going to do?

Squitten Tue 30-Apr-13 21:24:20

LittleMissLucy Because nobody has the right to tell their partner who they can talk to. Her DP doesn't acknowledge any emotional involvement so it's a non-argument. She can, however, choose to call him out as a liar and move on with her life

Pitmountainpony Tue 30-Apr-13 21:33:02

Just as an antidote to some anti p responses.
Honestly I thinks some men are just too s weet and do nt want to hurt someone they may have had deep feelings about at one point.
It took years for my dh,s ex to stop sending little messages on Facebook.
We still get the odd one now. When I asked my dh about it he said he hated hurting people. She was gutted when we married and Went on to have a family and honestly I felt sorry for her somewhere in me too.
I don,t think him responding briefly t the odd message is so wrong meeting up with her would not be appropriate unless you are there, but I just think your dp does not want to hurt her...some people are just like that however someone has treated them.

MyPreciousRing Tue 30-Apr-13 21:39:05

Text back what you just said OP - that he absolutely can, very easily, stop her posting on his wall; by simply blocking her.
Make the ultimatum.
Don't let this pair make more a fool of you than they already have been doing.
His lack of respect in allowing her to publicly make a mockery of you and your relationship is astounding.

DontmindifIdo Tue 30-Apr-13 21:42:41

I think you know where you stand in the pecking order of things.

Littlemisslucy is right - he's emotionally involved with two woman. He doesn't want you to make him chose, he'll chose you if he has too, but what he wants is to be in a relationship with both of you - although currently only physically with one of you.

I would just end it if I was you. If he really wants you, he'll work out what he's got to do. If you aren't that important compared to her, he won't.

idococktailshedoesbeer Tue 30-Apr-13 21:47:01

I'm another one who has had similar problems. Soon after DP and I started dating his ex moved into a house at the end of his road from miles away. hmm Lots of 3am texts begging to get back together. She followed us around his village. She always wanted to meet him (and only him) for drinks. DP felt guilty because he'd ended it, we had a few spats about it until I told him calmly but in no uncertain terms she made me feel very insecure and our relationship was under threat. He was massively apologetic, said he hadn't realised how upset I was and my happiness would always come first. He went cold turkey and she soon got the message.

You're saying your DP would be upset to cool down his friendship with his ex but she is making you upset (with reason) and as your other half he should put you first.

LittleMissLucy Wed 01-May-13 01:24:35

I think if the relationship is serious and you're getting engaged and this woman is across the world, then you probably ultimately, don't have much to worry about.

Trying to get things back into perspective (I don't understand why a few posters are demanding you dump him....) - maybe you can drop the subject now, between you? See what happens. If she doesn't come over and you do proceed to get engaged then you're moving on aren't you?

I would fully expect any engaged couple to be respectful of each other's feelings towards ex-bfs and ex-gfs (whether those feelings be of friendship or feeling threatened by them) and that you agree how to proceed with that issue, thereafter, privately.

SlumberingDormouse Wed 01-May-13 02:13:44

We've talked about it and made some progress tonight. I let him stew until 9pm as I was busy with friends. I think he finally realises how bad I feel about this; I told him that I considered ending it and he was very upset. He said that he finally realised her manipulation today after the barrage of posts on his wall - a big breakthrough! He has said he'll do anything to make me happy (he's already ordered flowers to be delivered to my home - bless!). He's going to talk to her and tell her to back off. I've told him not to paint me as the baddie either as I'm not interested in getting any abuse from her. I still feel bruised and it'll take time for me to get over this, but I do feel like I've finally got somewhere. Now let's see if he follows through...

LittleMissLucy Wed 01-May-13 04:00:15

Good luck with it all.
Personally, tbh - i don't know if his talking to her directly is the answer, as its like with a badly behaved kid - sort of rewarding her attention seeking behaviors with actual attention. I would say quietly backing off is possibly more effective. But see what happens - maybe him telling her to back off is what she really needs to hear.
I hope it all works out for you anyway.

MyPreciousRing Wed 01-May-13 07:10:40

I hope that this 'backing off' just doesn't take the form of private messaging as opposed to public on wall.

I don't think you're out of the woods yet OP.

diddl Wed 01-May-13 08:17:20

He doesn't to tell her to "back off" just block her on FB, on his mobile...

diddl Wed 01-May-13 08:19:30

He's talking as if he can't do anything about it & it's all dependent on her.

We have caller display on the landline.

I don't answer it if it's someone I don't want to talk to...

He's acting as if it's all out of his control.

GlassofRose Wed 01-May-13 08:20:19

Sorry OP, I think he's playing the game here.

He's told you once he'll only choose if push comes to shove because it will "make him sad". This was him telling you he doesn't want her gone from his life.

He doesn't want to cut her off OP and he probably wont. He's having his cake and eating it and just like Myprecious says you can bet your life the contact is going to carry on because he has no intention of cutting her off.

DontmindifIdo Wed 01-May-13 08:30:26

Why tell her to back off, why not cut her out? She's his ex, she cheated, she lied, she stole. Why does he want this person in his life as a friend? If another friend he wasn't sleeping with had treated him so badly as his ex did, would he keep them as a friend or cut them out?

He's only going to ask her to reduce the amount she contacts him, not tell her to stop contacting him - he's just not ready to end this relationship with her.

I'm glad that you are talking and feel like you are making progress. I too fear, like precious ring said, that he's just going to interpret this as he has to be secretive about it from now on.

I really am struggling to understand it from his point of view. He has no family ties with her, it was a brief relationship (only 1 yr) she treated him beyond appallingly, she is jeopardising his current relationship, and yet he still is unable to act decisively...

SlumberingDormouse Wed 01-May-13 12:22:35

The thing is, we have been trying for the past year to let this go quietly, hoping she'll get bored. But she hasn't. We had a bit of a breakthrough last night when DP said that he was astonished at all her Facebook comments and wall posts yesterday, and finally realised that she is manipulating him and trying to get at me. And after all that, she stood him up on Skype yesterday anyway!

So I've decided it's time to be assertive and take a stand. In some of my past relationships I was walked all over and I'm really trying to change that. So I've decided I'm going to write her a polite but clear message saying that her level of contact is inappropriate. I'm going to mull it over today, run it past my mum, and then send just before I go on holiday tomorrow morning grin. Then one of two things will happen: She'll either gracefully accept it and back off (unlikely), or she'll go psycho on us and he'll have even more reason to cut her out of his life. It works either way!

mirai Wed 01-May-13 12:25:05

I think you need to write that message to HIM.

Hmm. I think he has to just block her. How hard can that be to do that to someone who told you they were terminally ill when they weren't?

I wouldn't get involved with her at all. It's his problem.

Rainbowdrop8 Wed 01-May-13 12:34:49

I really don't think it should be you sending that message to her, it should be your DP. Have you discussed sending it with him? What if she contacts him when she gets it to say that you are 'hassling' her?

He should be the one to ask her to back off, if he doesn't then you know.

NotTreadingGrapes Wed 01-May-13 12:40:02

<head-brickwall>

Dormouse, you are turning into your user name.

HE NEEDS TO DO IT. <never shouted at anyone on MN before>

She will simply (and actually, rightly) think you are a jealous, possessive witch if you do it. If he won't do it, then everything you are being told on this thread has been confirmed. (like it hasn't already)

Crinkle77 Wed 01-May-13 12:40:39

Why the hell does he still want to be friends with her after everything she did to him?

SlumberingDormouse Wed 01-May-13 12:41:32

If I send it, I'll run it past him and send it to both of them. He agrees with me totally but I think I have more guts...

SlumberingDormouse Wed 01-May-13 12:43:22

"Dormouse, you're turning into your username!" Thanks for the wake-up call; it made me laugh! I actually have a sleep disorder, hence the username. You're right. It's a stupid idea. I'll write it to work my feelings out, and maybe show DP, but not send it to her!

NotTreadingGrapes Wed 01-May-13 12:44:04

He doesn't agree with you totally or he wouldn't, and you wouldn't, and she wouldn't, be in this situation.

He needs to send it, he needs to get rid of her. And you need to make him see that. And if he won't, then there's your answer.

You doing it is playing into both of their hands. And he is just loving it. Not one but two psycho women fighting over him. It's a dickhead's wet dream.

Wowserz129 Wed 01-May-13 12:45:49

Op this is ridiculous! Why on earth would you send the ex a message?

She is just going to think you are making him reduce contact and he doesn't want to which will fuel things for her further.

You dp should be the one doing it and if he really have a shit he would just block her!

If you honestly could see your situation from an outsiders perspective I really think you are being taken for a fool.

He said it would upset him if you asked him to cut contact, there's your answer. He is obviously emotionally invested in her.

AnyFucker Wed 01-May-13 12:48:31

How is this bloke even able to get through a day, hold down a job ???

Is he really so pathetically spineless that you have to baby him and do his dirty work?

You are being played, why are you not listening ??

You are coming across as ridiculously naive, and yes, a dormouse

DontmindifIdo Wed 01-May-13 12:50:41

If he agrees with you, you wo'nt have to tell him to write her a message, he'd just do it - just block her from FB, just dump her calls, she lives on the other side of the world, how long will she keep it up if he never replies to her texts, e-mails or phonecalls?

He hasn't stopped contact with her because he doesn't want to

You need to understand the truth of this, he wants to be in contact with her. He wants that even though he knows it upsets you, he wants that even though he know it risks his relationship with you.

Is there more to their split than he's told you? Because he's acting like he wants her back and/or feels guilty.

NotTreadingGrapes Wed 01-May-13 12:59:56

I said 5 pages back that dp had a mad Aussie ex as well.

He finished with her to get back with me (we had split for a couple of months) and for about a year she was a whackjob.

He and I laughed about it. She would stand in the bushes outside my flat and he would open the window and shout "Jennifer, go hoooooooome". When she started ringing me up and telling me she was a witch who could get him back if she wanted, he and I went to see her together. To show her that he and I were an item, and it was time for her to go. I didn't even get out of the car. It was enough for him to have taken me with him to see her.

She's been in Queensland for the past 10 yrs and there has been no further contact. But if there were, he would be terrified (because she's a serious whackjob) he wouldn't be maintaining contact of any kind out of pity. I know that totally 100%.

Could you say the same of yours? I don't think you will ever feel safe in this relationship while she still breathes tbh*, because it's about him, not her.

* Please note, I am not advocating you hit her with a shovel and bury the body.

samandi Wed 01-May-13 13:08:03

YANBU. Normally I'm all for exes keeping in contact, remaining friends etc. but she sounds like a nasty piece of work.

SanitaryOwl Wed 01-May-13 13:24:02

Log into his facebook account, defriend and block her. Job done.

I never condone this sort of thing normally, but no court in the land, etc ...

SlumberingDormouse Wed 01-May-13 13:33:21

Lol SanitaryOwl, I could very easily do that.

Floggingmolly Wed 01-May-13 13:38:44

What's all the lolling about, SlumberingDoormat Dormouse?
There is nothing amusing about your situation whatsoever. It's quite pathetic actually.

Xales Wed 01-May-13 13:40:35

It is not your place to contact her. It is his (if he wants to).

You will look like a controlling GF and just be laughed at.

Tell him to grow a spine and stop letting you be the mean mummy who says he is not allowed to play with her.

GlassofRose Wed 01-May-13 16:20:00

By sending her a message or even considering it, then OP you are actually missing the point still.

"we have been trying to get rid of her" Wrong. You are trying to get rid of her, if he wanted rid then he would have deleted her off facebook, ignored her calls etc and problem would have been solved. He doesn't want to get rid of her or he would have... she's on the other side of the world, not exactly hard to stop contact.

ladyjadie Wed 01-May-13 17:31:21

Is this good enough for you though OP, his reaction?

Will you accept/believe him when he says he's told her to 'back off' (note, not just straight cut contact/blocked) or will you end up wondering if she's just PMing, or calling him when you aren't there, or generally just becoming more secretive?

I (just me) would be pretty hmm at him making excuses, especially because she is so obnoxiously laying herself out as someone who was special to him, so publicly! You could obviously rest a bit easier if he was just like "It's over, I'm over her, she's on the other side of the world, that's that done and dusted.

I'm sorry he didn't do that straight away.

AnyFucker Wed 01-May-13 17:35:25

it appears OP's bar is set at "very low" when considering what is "good enough" sad

I think you are totally underreacting here.

Who has to do anything for someone who lives so far away, and especially when you have a legit reason for not? Nobody. He likes the attention I imagine, or else he still has feelings for her.

Why he can't just block her from FB with no explanation I don't know. He is not spineless, the problem is him not her!

MyPreciousRing Wed 01-May-13 18:10:40

He blocks her or you bin him. He shouldn't have to be told this. It is as obvious as the nose on your face.

Come on OP. Get him told. Now.

You will feel better, I guarantee it.

HoneyStepMummy Wed 01-May-13 18:36:19

He shouldn't be telling her to back off, he should be telling her to F* off!!! (sorry)
And what's this about her standing him up on Skype???? Why on earth would they be Skypeing????
I've been with my DH for almost 6 years. The guy I dated before him was really lovely, we broke up on good terms and I met DH right away. I wish the guy well and truly hope he found someone as nice as him. If I bumped into him I would be happy to see him, have a little chat then go back to what I was doing. I would not befriend him on FB, tag photos of him, call him, Skype him, or visit him. And this is someone who I ended things with on good terms!!
Your BF knows how much this is all upsetting you but still continues to do it. It's very to clear to everyone here, including yourself, what this woman's intentions are. And they're not good. She doesn't respect you (just like she didn't respect your BF when they were dating) and doesn't consider you a threat. Here she is tagging pics of him on FB, calling him from OZ, flying out to see him...she's being very clear on what she wants.
And your BF's comment about if all three of you met how you wouldn't enjoy it or some other rubbish.
I love my husband very much and if I was doing something that was upsetting him (and he threatended to leave me) I would stop. Your boyfriend knows how you feel but chooses to continue this. Look I know that people who dated sometimes stay in touch and that's fine. But this is beyond that.
I very much doubt that he's going to tell her to "back off". And even if he did why would she listen? You don't think he's sending her mixed messages by making plans to see her, scheduling Skype calls etc?

ladyjadie Wed 01-May-13 19:06:11

I don't even think him saying fuck off! Surely it should just be like, 'who?'

If that makes sense.

Like you say Honey, you don't go even acknowledge your ex, though you hold no bad feeling.

This girl treated OP's DP like shit. Maybe that's it. Maybe he is still hankering after some sort of validating feelings from her, because she never gave him an easy time.

Actually now I think of it an aquaintance of mine was with a girl he had a very volatile relationship with (though nothing like lying about cancer-who the fuck does that?!?!?!) They broke up and he is with the most easy-going, nice girl now but he doesn't treat her with respect at all. In fact he lies to her so he can go do coke with his mates etc and when he's drunk he still talks about this ex far more than his GF. Wierd.

mumbaisapphire Wed 01-May-13 19:13:09

I have to agree with the majority if posters who say it should be up to your boyfriend to draw a line under the relationship. It is puzzling why he won't. I had a 7 year relationship prior to meeting my DP. We ended it reasonably amicably and stayed in touch after the split. I got together with my now DP a year after the split. I continued to stay in contact with my ex, albeit very sporadically and DP knew about it. Although my ex was not wanting to get back together or being obsessive like this woman! Having said all that, it just got to the point where I wanted to cut ties. I moved away to another country to be with DP and so the contact with my ex really dwindled and it was initiated by him. I felt it was inappropriate for me to stay in contact with him out of respect to my DP - I should add that he didn't pressure me to cut contact. I also felt that it was inappropriate out of respect for any future partner my ex might have. No one likes to enter into a relationship and know that the ex is still hanging around-even if it is virtually! So I simply deleted him from Facebook and left it at that. I erased his number and email address and didn't supply him my new number after I moved. I didn't announce to him I was cutting contact I just quietly deleted him. He must have noticed several months later and he emailed me. I politely responded and said, yes it was correct that I had deleted him, and that I thought it was inappropriate for us to still be in contact. He replied saying he was sad about my decision but ultimately he understood, and that's how it was left. I didn't reply. It's now been 2 years since I did that, and I haven't heard from him since! I have heard on the grapevine he has a new girlfriend and that's great, and I feel pleased that I am not a part of his life anymore. His new girlfriend doesn't need that!

Your DP should be doing this himself, but most likely will need to take stronger action in terms of blocking her rather than simply deleting her. He should be wanting to do this out of respect to you. Good luck in hoping you can convince him.

HoneyStepMummy Wed 01-May-13 19:23:46

What Mumbai said- this is how people treat their exes!! Like she said even if it's on good terms you move on and eventually don't even keep them on FB once you're married. I'm so busy with work, kids and marriage I barely have time for my real friends, let alone someone I shagged a million years ago.

SlumberingDormouse Wed 01-May-13 19:45:41

There is some stuff he needs to return to her (he still has some of her important documents, believe it or not) but after that I don't see any need to keep in contact.

There's this fabulous thing called the postal service - maybe he could try that?
Oh Doormouse, I hope you are ok. I know you think its because he is 'nice' that he is failed to put his foot down, but really, it's not 'nice' - it's not nice to you, it's weak and it's suspicious.

NotTreadingGrapes Wed 01-May-13 19:52:20

He hasn't returned her stuff before, because he hasn't wanted to. Because keeping her stuff is keeping the contact. And he is as complicit as she is in that. You do realise that, don't you?

SlumberingDormouse Wed 01-May-13 19:55:32

I do realise. That's why I have been pushing and pushing him to return it but he hasn't done it yet. There is also the issue of payment; she won't be able to afford it so he'll probably end up sending it back at his own expense. angry I'm not really ok. I'm sad that I'm in this situation.

AnyFucker Wed 01-May-13 19:59:34

registered mail

yes, they do it to Australia

look love, you can be as sad as you like, but you need to act .... stop moping around like some sort of Jane Austen Wet Blanket

SlumberingDormouse Wed 01-May-13 20:03:28

I know I need to act. I'm so glad I'm going on holiday tomorrow with a close friend and not DP so I can get away from this and decide what to do next.

Squitten Wed 01-May-13 20:07:59

Oh for goodness sake OP.

He blocks her on FB. Click of a button. Done.
He puts all her documents in an envelope and send them registered mail to Australia. Done.

What is all this messaging nonsense?! Why are you both stringing this out so much longer than it needs to be? Is there some reason that he cannot do those two very very simple things?

AnyFucker Wed 01-May-13 20:19:57

Decide ? What more is there to decide confused

I hope you have a good holiday. I would use it as a chance to take a good break from him. Don't bother contacting him.

When you get back, just find out what he's done re. the ex.

If it's more of the same, then I suggest you dump him (and treat him like shit too, because that's what he seems to enjoy.)

MyPreciousRing Wed 01-May-13 22:44:10

stop moping around like some sort of Jane Austen Wet Blanket grin

That's fabulous.

OP, she's right. Decisive action (by somebody, for the love of God) is long overdue.

Take the holiday and take a time-out. Hopefully your DP will use this time to get his ex out of his system and subsequently your lives.

Keep us posted, good luck and bon voyage.

MyPreciousRing Wed 01-May-13 22:46:37

And what's the betting that the loopy ex rocks up in the UK whilst OP is away?

AnyFucker Wed 01-May-13 22:52:32

Indeed. And this bloke's cock will accidentally fall into her vagina.

TooExtraImmatureCheddar Wed 01-May-13 23:07:20

Look, if you're going on holiday with a friend and not your boyfriend, that says a lot. Unless you have a lot of money and can afford multiple holidays, that is.

grin at AF

SlumberingDormouse Thu 02-May-13 00:04:41

He's agreed to block, delete and cut contact. YES!

LittleMissLucy Thu 02-May-13 00:06:06

Excellent - well done!

StuntGirl Thu 02-May-13 00:16:27

Bloody hell, its about time. I hope he means it and actually starts putting your relationship first now.

MyPreciousRing Thu 02-May-13 06:43:23

Result!

Let us know when he has done it <nosy bastard emoticon>

SlumberingDormouse Thu 02-May-13 06:51:47

He has! I just checked. He has also (or maybe her, who knows?) deleted some wall posts that bothered me. I am thrilled with how our conversation went last night. I basically said, 'I thought I was ok with this but I'm not. It's making me really unhappy and I cannot carry on with this relationship feeling this way.' He said that he was extremely sorry he'd upset me and that he'd do anything to rectify the situation, including cutting her out of his life. So I said that it was his responsibility to tell her that they can no longer be in touch as it's not my problem. And now he's followed through. I'm still going to be vigilant but I really feel like I've got through to him now. I am not willing to put up with feeling like his second priority and he knows that.

I am so glad I stood up for myself. Ultimately, if he hadn't respected my feelings then he wouldn't have been worth it anyway! Thanks for all the great advice on here; it was the wake-up call I needed.

MyPreciousRing Thu 02-May-13 07:11:47

Awww that's brilliant! You can now go away with a clear mind.

Well done for standing up for yourself. Remember how good you feel now and be like this the next time a thorny issue arises in your relationship.

Onwards and upwards flowers

AnyFucker Thu 02-May-13 07:15:49

Thank fuck for that

Now you know what to do next time you feel the slightest pressure to be a "cool girlfriend" don't you ?

NotTreadingGrapes Thu 02-May-13 07:54:05

And now change your MN name to GrowlingLion.

Have a nice holiday!

NotTreadingGrapes Thu 02-May-13 07:54:30

Roaring Lion. <gets beasties all confused>

SlumberingDormouse Thu 02-May-13 08:12:28

Aww thanks. I couldn't give a damn about being a 'cool' girlfriend anymore. I tried it in the past and got royally shat on from a great height (with a different 'D'P). I need to do what makes me happy and be honest with myself and him about that.

ladyjadie Thu 02-May-13 08:21:15

So glad for you Dormouse. Now you can go on holiday with a light heart and have a bloody good time!

GlassofRose Thu 02-May-13 10:23:12

Glad for you OP, but be careful that you don't end up the woman who "made" him cut off his other woman... be the woman who is wanted not chosen because you're worth more.

CalamityKate Thu 02-May-13 15:01:58

She's not going to be happy and I bet she won't give up without a fight.

SlumberingDormouse Thu 02-May-13 17:51:51

She can be pissed off all she likes, but he has made his choice and in the end it was a no-brainer for him. He told her that she can of course visit the UK any time she likes but she will NOT be welcome and will not be seeing DP, his family or me as we have all moved on.

AnyFucker Thu 02-May-13 20:00:51

It was a no-brainer for him ?

Come on love, if it wasn't for us you would have this woman in your boyfriend's house any day now, wearing your perfume and slagging you off

Get real

Doubtfuldaphne Thu 02-May-13 20:27:35

She needs to give your man the money - not spend it on a bloody plane ticket!
She must know he's a little soft so is thinking she can still mess him about - he must take a stand and preferably delete her from facebook.

DontmindifIdo Fri 03-May-13 08:08:37

Be very wary about moving in with or pushing your relationship forward with this man for a while (I'd say at least another year), because as AF says, it wasn't a no-brainer for him, he had to be told, repeatidly by you why this wasn't acceptable, and in the end had to think he was going to lose you and be forced to chose between you - he didn't chose to end his contact with her because he wanted too, he chose to end it because he didn't want to lose you. While that's great that he wants to be with you more than being in contact with his exP, it doesn't mean he was ready to cut ties with her, and that is something I would allow time to check if he's fully emotionally committed to your relationship - because as of 24 hours ago, he wasn't (still being slightly emotionally committed to his previous relationship).

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