To ask that if you don't work but your husband/partner does, do you get an allowance for clothes?

(133 Posts)
suebfg Tue 23-Apr-13 20:16:57

I recently stopped working and don't have money of my own coming in. I feel like I don't want to spend the money earned by DH on the 'nice to haves' - treats for myself etc.

How do you manage it in your households?

alwaysinhiding Tue 23-Apr-13 20:19:37

Dh works i dont, the money goes into my account as i manage all the bills etc, if i need or want to buy something i just buy it, i dont ask.

alienbanana Tue 23-Apr-13 20:20:17

Joint accounts. One for house stuff (so there is always enough for mortgage/bills/car etc - we don't touch this account) and another account for food shopping and everything else including clothes.

What does your DH think? Presumably he buys himself 'nice to have' things? confused

Pascha Tue 23-Apr-13 20:20:46

All money in the same pot. Not his or hers or childrens just 'ours'. Bills paid and equal spends allowed afterward whether it's £1 or £100/ month.

Phineyj Tue 23-Apr-13 20:21:38

Agree on what you have each in the way of personal spending money per month but spend it as you wish I'd say... Anything else risks setting up an awkward parent-child dynamic, one person's luxury being another person's essential and all that.

This is why I would never stop working unless I had absolutely no choice, tbh.

leftangle Tue 23-Apr-13 20:21:56

You are married - that should mean sharing all you have. You shouldn't have to ask, or discuss. If you can afford treats you should be able to buy them just as he can. Not sure that clothes are treats anyway.

BlueberryHill Tue 23-Apr-13 20:21:57

We have a joint bank account, all the bills etc come out of it and his salary goes in. We discuss largish purchases but if I need something for the kids / myself I buy it. 'Need' is very wide and includes would like to treat the kids to a toy etc. We generally discuss more expensive treats like clothes etc as money is a bit tight.

We've had this set up for a long time, including when I was working and we had no children. I stopped work to look after the children. Only issues have been due to money being tight with only one salary coming in, DH does not begrudge me buying treats for myself. I view it as family income, so does DH.

Habbibu Tue 23-Apr-13 20:22:05

Not an allowance! Money is split between various accounts - a set amount goes into one joint ac for food, bills, petrol, etc, another amount into another account for yearly bills, contingency and kids activities, other sums into jt savings accounts, and the remainder split evenly between our two personal accounts. It's how we did it when I worked, how we do it now I don't, and how we'll do it when I work again.

Ffuntimewincies Tue 23-Apr-13 20:22:11

It's family money in our house and we just spend sensible amounts as we need to as we both know our agreed budgetary limits. Neither partner feels that they have the right to deny the other party necessities like clothes when they need replacing.

Although in an ideal word this should have been a discussion you and your dh had before stopping working (for whatever reason).

anniroc Tue 23-Apr-13 20:23:50

Dh earns it, I spend it basically. Are you a SAHM? If so, you definitely deserve a.few treats - know I do!!

BooksandaCuppa Tue 23-Apr-13 20:24:20

Regardless of who earns how much/works however many hours we've always had an equal amount of 'pocket money' or spends per month. Exactly the same. The rest goes into joint account to pay bills. Joint decision making on savings etc. It goes without saying that the person working fewer or no hours is picking up more of the slack around the house etc.

WishIdbeenatigermum Tue 23-Apr-13 20:24:38

All money into a joint account. DH buys himself expensive work clothes and everything else from TK Max. He begged me TK spend mor on clothes and stop buying from supermarkets. blush

ceres Tue 23-Apr-13 20:24:50

i work, dh doesn't.

all money goes into our joint account and belongs to us both. neither of us check with the other before spending on normal everyday like clothes, books etc. we tend to discuss spending on things which affect us both - like buying a piece of furniture for example, we would both have to like it.

Jojobump1986 Tue 23-Apr-13 20:25:09

DH is the sole earner in our house but neither of us would spend more than about £5 on a nice-to-have without speaking to the other first. I suspect this would still be the case if I was earning money. For us it doesn't matter whose name is on the paperwork, we're a team & all money that comes in is 'ours'.

Fairylea Tue 23-Apr-13 20:25:48

All wages go in, all bills come out. We split whatever is left equally between us to spend as we wish. Dh spends it on tattoos I spend my share on clothes and make up smile

I'd hate to have an allowance! I'm equal, not a paid helper....!

AnyFucker Tue 23-Apr-13 20:26:01

Are you going to go naked then ?

Your question is not computing, sorry.

How will you eat ? < frets >

Mumof2beautys Tue 23-Apr-13 20:26:53

I'm a stay at home mum and my DPs money is our only income.. And to be honest I don't really spend it on myself more so on the kids (maybe a little too Much at times) only on myself once in a while as 'a treat'.. but if you want something I'd get it.. As long as ur note struggling with money or in great debt then I see no problem.. And I'm sure that you DH wouldn't mind.. I'm sure if it makes you happy then he'll be happy...

MsVestibule Tue 23-Apr-13 20:29:05

I feel like I don't want to spend the money earned by DH on the 'nice to haves' - treats for myself etc.

If he was the one not earning, is this how you'd want him to feel about 'your' income?

AnyFucker Tue 23-Apr-13 20:29:09

Ohhh right, I geddit

In order to eat but not have the "nice to haves" you will purchase only no-frills basic staples such as rice and pulses for yourself but buy tastier and more interesting food for your husband ?

dogindisguise Tue 23-Apr-13 20:29:09

We have a joint current account for all outgoings. I would ask before making a major purchase but otherwise spend what I need to, including clothes.
Rather than thinking of 'his and hers' money I remind myself he's earning the money but I'm raising our children.

malteserzz Tue 23-Apr-13 20:30:33

I work but dh earns a lot more than me, all goes in one pot though and we spend whatever we like as long as we can afford it!

MajaBiene Tue 23-Apr-13 20:30:35

Money in, bills out, we both spend what's left. Wouldn't spend more than £50 without mentioning it though.

Wishiwasanheiress Tue 23-Apr-13 20:32:38

All incomings are family ones. So anything necessary comes out of that. Including and not only new lipstick, hairspray or jeans/top/high heels etc. that's just dh ;)

Stop viewing it as his & hers its ours now. He needs stuff u need stuff kids need stuff all out of one pot. End of.

Just spend wisely! smile

We have one account everything Dh earns goes into it. I pay all bills and give him a set amount each week for petrol and whatever he wants. He has a credit card to use if he needs more, I think he's only used it twice in many years and that was for things from the hardware store on his way home.
I put a bit into a savings account when I can, but theres not much left each month. If we want something big we say something before hand so we don't over draw or to give me a chance to move money from savings.

An 'allowance', no, I didn't have one, how patronising!
When I wasn't working, it was 'our' money, when DH wasn't working it was still 'ours'.

apostropheuse Tue 23-Apr-13 20:40:34

An allowance Why, I thought I was reading a period drama set in the Victorian era there.

Well when I was a kept woman grin many years ago my husband's salary went into a joint bank account, from where the bills would be paid and I would buy whatever I needed/wanted. Strangely he never spent anything out of the account without checking with me first, but that's because he left all the household accounts etc to me.

Cantbelieveitsnotbutter Tue 23-Apr-13 20:43:36

I have an 'allowance' no joint account, wouldn't want one either.
It works, but I still feel immensely guilty for any spends on myself, so rarely buy new clothes, lunch out for myself (will buy ds not me) etc etc.

DH works, I don't.

We have a joint account and I do all of the shopping whenever I need to. He pays a lump sum into it every month to cover all bills, but that's because he's freelance so has to manage all of the tax etc too, and some months he makes more than others.

With regard to treats, little things (makeup, bath stuff, etc) I will just buy. Bigger items - clothes etc - I will generally "ask" but he never says no anyway - it's more of an advisory thing so he can keep an eye on the account levels than a request for permission. He does the same.

I get the child benefit paid into my account which I use for spur of the moment treats for the DCs - cake after school, milkshakes etc. If we do anything costly (zoo, lunch out) I generally use the joint account.

Joint account, if I need it I get it. If its very expensive we discuss it. Same goes for him.

cassgate Tue 23-Apr-13 20:49:17

DH pays a set amount into a joint account which covers all bills, mortgage and shopping. I have my own account which he pays money into whenever it runs low. I buy anything including clothes for me and the kids xmas and birthday presents on my credit card and he just pays off the bill each month. I buy what I want whenever I want within reason but then my dh is on a good salary so I know we can afford it. If we couldnt afford it then I wouldnt do it.

KitchenandJumble Tue 23-Apr-13 20:51:09

An allowance? Shudder. We both work, but there have been brief periods of time where one or the other of us was out of work. All our money is in our joint accounts, we spend money as we see fit for things like clothes. This has always been the case, it hasn't depended on who was working or who was earning more. For larger purchases (cars and the like), we make the decisions together.

GreenEggsAndNichts Tue 23-Apr-13 20:51:42

Joint account. We are both frugal people so there are no worries about either of us running out and making frivolous expensive purchases on a whim.

catgirl1976 Tue 23-Apr-13 20:57:05

DH doesn't work but I do

I don't give him a clothing allowance.

All the money goes into one account, from which we pay for everything.

If he wants to buy some clothes, computer game, dvd or book etc he looks at the bank balance, checks we can afford it and then buys it. He doesn't have to ask or tell me, he just has to decide if it's affordable.

If it's a bigger purchase or he's not sure if we can afford something he might say "I was thinking of getting xx, what do you think / do you think we can afford it" etc but that's as far as it goes. And despite me earning the money, I would do the same for a bigger purchase.

He's an adult, we are married and it's our money equally. I don't give him pocket money confused

justaboutalittlefrazzled Tue 23-Apr-13 21:02:29

I think what you are suggesting is really a budget rather than allowance.

There's nothing wrong with you both having a set amount of money you can spend, guiltfree, on clothes, once you've worked out what you can both afford.
That is a good way to ensure no one feels guilty I think (and you don't go over budget).

suebfg Tue 23-Apr-13 21:03:06

It probably stems from the fact that we have never had a joint account. We have separate accounts and obviously since not working, my account isn't being replenished as it once was!

Hulababy Tue 23-Apr-13 21:03:55

I do work but PT and these days earn a vast amount less than DH. However, regardless of that we have everything in joint accounts plus a joint CC. I use cards for either without having to ask or check it is ok.

suebfg Tue 23-Apr-13 21:05:09

Yes I think you are right that I probably mean a budget rather than an allowance. An amount that you can spend as you wish without feeling guilty about it!

LaQueen Tue 23-Apr-13 21:05:38

DH has always earned loads more than me.

Since married, we've shared a joint account, and I've often not worked. It's our money...

If I want something I buy it out of the joint account...if it's a big purchase, I will (out of courtesy) mention it to DH, and vice versa.

But, if just buying myself new shoes...or getting my hair hi-lighted...then, no, of course I wouldn't need to ask him. And, he be highly confused if I did.

jellybeans Tue 23-Apr-13 21:07:04

DH works, I am SAHM. We just have a joint account and spend what we like on clothes etc. It's our money not his. So is any money I get.

Theyoniwayisnorthwards Tue 23-Apr-13 21:12:17

Big pot, everything in. Then we did a budget to cover all important expenses, decided how much to save and agreed what to allow for luxuries like holidays. We each get an equal amount of spending money a week for ourselves but budget has taken into account things like his travel costs so our spending money is literally just for nice-to-haves.

StuntGirl Tue 23-Apr-13 21:14:08

We pay the essentials and then split what's left between us for 'spends'. That was the same when he was out of work, its how it is now he earns more than me and it'll stay the same when I graduate and will be out earning him.

Don't feel guilty about a thing. It's family money, and all members of the family should have some treats as well as the essentials (within budget of course).

Most of DH's salary goes into the joint account and is swiftly swallowed up by tight, detailed budget like mortgage, direct debits, groceries, etc, and categories such as school uniform, children's clubs, holiday fund, etc.

A small (and incidentally equal) amount is transferred into each of our personal accounts.

I choose whether I spend mine on cake, clothes or comics. I neither know nor care what DH spends his on!

OneToThree Tue 23-Apr-13 21:18:38

Dh works I'm a sahm. He does a job that gets paid I do a job that doesn't get paid. We have a joint account and we both spend sensibly. Anything big we discuss. I couldn't be in a relationship where it wasn't like this to be honest.

I'll never forget a girl I worked with wasn't allowed to buy lettuce anymore as it had gone over £1. I remember thinking WTAF!

freddiefrog Tue 23-Apr-13 21:19:01

I do work, but only part-time. DH earns about 5 times as much as I do

All our money gets put into a joint account, then I we spend what's left on whatever

I give myself a monthly budget for clothes for me, includes make up, hair gubbins, cuts, etc, because I felt I was spending far more than my fair share and it's focused my shopping habits. It's entirely self imposed though. DH doesn't give me an 'allowance', I'd be unimpressed if he did

TSSDNCOP Tue 23-Apr-13 21:20:32

Interesting question.

Prior to having DS I made more than DH by a lot, although we had a joint account from the time we were first married. At that point, both he or I would simply buy what we liked unless it was a big outlay (cars, expensive gadgets).

Then after DS I was a SAHM and was made redundant whilst on mat leave. We pulled in our belts as you do, but there was never a question of asking before spending.

The difference was purely how I felt and this is the irrational part. Even though lots of our lifestyle existed because of my previous job I felt uncomfortable spending money that DH now earned alone.

DH never once made it a thing, as far as he's concerned it's our income. But I just didn't feel comfortable. As a consequence, as soon as I could I took a part time job. It brings in compartively little to our shared account. But I feel like I have more of a right to treat myself.

Reading back this looks ridiculous and I'm sure I'll be utterly flamed. But you asked and that's how I felt.

suebfg Tue 23-Apr-13 21:24:31

Yes, I think if I was earning then regardless of how much I earned, I would feel more entitled to spend it. It is a mindset - DH wouldn't begrudge me anything within reason.

freddiefrog Tue 23-Apr-13 21:25:39

Oh, and DH and I have always just bought whatever, whenever, provided we could afford it and all bills were covered.

We do check with each other before any big purchases or spends; not from an asking permission perspective, more from a is that money spare or earmarked for car tax/dd1's school residential/new school shoes perspective

OrbisNonSufficit Tue 23-Apr-13 21:28:33

I work, and earn all the money. My DH works, but his business isn't making any money at the moment. All of our money is 'ours', not mine. If either of us wants to buy something expensive, we consult the other person. Other than that there aren't any rules about who spends money on what.

I'd be completely horrified if DH considered the money to be 'mine' - our financial set up is completely a joint decision (ie he could be working in a salary job, we've decided as a couple to do things differently). Similarly, when our baby is born he'll be a SAHD after my maternity leave ends - that's a joint decision as well so the money is still 'ours'.

valiumredhead Tue 23-Apr-13 21:47:47

Dh works and I don't. I have access to all money as it is in a joint account - we just buy what we like within reason, we never check with each other unless it is a massive purchase. Wrt clothes we buy what we need/like.

Mamacj Tue 23-Apr-13 21:55:04

I would think you should be allocated a certain limit you could spend each month. If you could I would try to do something to earn your own money so you can buy what you want when you want, I personally couldn't rely on somebody else's income

tssdncop - yes, that's just it. And having "my fun money" which is explicitly for me to spend on myself and which is less than "I" bring in in child benefit does redefine it so I don't have to justify it to myself at all.

YonicTheHedgehog Tue 23-Apr-13 22:49:17

DH works full time and has a small business that he works at on the weekend and I am a SAHM but I do bits of admin for the business. We have a joint account where all the money goes and a personal account each where I pay our weekly spends into. We both get the same amount to spend as we wish into our personal accounts and anything for the DC or bigger stuff for the house comes out of the joint account.

Ouchmyhead Tue 23-Apr-13 22:57:01

An allowance?!?! No! DP works and I don't, we have a joint account which at the moment just has his income going in. We both know what bills come out when, if I want new clothes i go out and buy them if we have the money in the account. I'd be very offended if he suggested an allowance, I'm his partner not his child!

BegoniaBampot Tue 23-Apr-13 23:56:15

husband transfers money to my account every month to cover all the food, kids stuff etc and anything i need or want to buy so we don't have one big joint account. we pay for other stuff like holidays and such from who has the most money in their account at the time which would be mine at the moment. all the bills, insurance etc comes out of his.

BegoniaBampot Tue 23-Apr-13 23:57:55

we view all the money as joint though and no-one asks the other if they can buy such and such.

IThinkOfHappyWhenIThinkOfYou Wed 24-Apr-13 00:08:32

All money goes into a joint account which bill are paid from and a dd goes from this account into our personal account for our pocket money. Equal amounts. We both buy clothes and haircuts out of it, Dp buys shit magazines, I buy coffee and books, Dp buys gadgety stuff and games, I buy gym membership which I don't use. We used to use just a joint account but I didn't like it. With a personal account I find it easier to keep on top of if I am spending too much and I feel I can cut back on my own fripperies to save for something expensive just for me.

libertychick Wed 24-Apr-13 00:15:06

I work FT and DH is SAHD. All money into joint acc then a monthly transfer into personal accounts - I get a bit more as I have to cover costs of going to work such as train fares etc. It's not a big deal though and we both basically spend what we want and take money from joint account for personal stuff if we need it.

He finds it hard though and feels the need to tell me he got his new shoes at a huge discount or whatever but I really don't care! As long as we pay the bills, save as agreed and don't overdraw/run up credit cards it's all fine.

EleanorFarjeon Wed 24-Apr-13 00:18:41

Does your dh have an allowance for his treats?

It's your money too.

AllOverIt Wed 24-Apr-13 00:20:29

All money in the same pot. Then a certain amount comes out into our own personal bank accounts. We get the same amount each.

You need to have a discussion and agree a household budget. You are working if you are at home looking after DC - if you were not there, your H would have to pay for childcare. So both of you are contributing to the family income and both of you are valuable and equal - the fact that you are not earning a wage outside the home does not mean that you are now his servant and he is your superior.

So the best way to do it is to work out, from the money that comes in every month, how much needs to be spent on rent/mortgage, how much on bills such as heating, travel, comms etc, how much on food for all of you, how much needs to be spent on DC in terms of school dinners, activities etc - and work out a reasonable sum to put aside for occasional expenses on them such as new school uniform when they grow out of the current one.

Then what's left is divided equally so that you both have a certain amount each month that you can spend on magazines, toys, couple of drinks with a mate, DVDs, new clothes that you don't need but really want, etc. Big purchases like new car, holiday, anything over a certain limit (depending on your household budget and income) has to be discussed.

MortifiedAdams Wed 24-Apr-13 00:28:27

We each draw out £50 on a Friday as fun money. I dont know or care what dh does with his nor does he with mine.

Nb, I work ft but when on MAt Leave wr still did the same.

Anything left after bills, food and fun money is saved.

kirrinIsland Wed 24-Apr-13 00:34:41

If you were working then you'd have nursery bills to pay. Round here that's around £40 a day. That's your contribution to the household's money if it helps you to look at it that way?

We also only had separate accounts before we had children and it took me a good while to get my head round it not being his money once I cut my hours.

LittleYellowBall Wed 24-Apr-13 00:40:32

I used to when married, but only so he wouldn't be tutting over each and every purchase. Everything else was shared.

princessnumber2 Wed 24-Apr-13 00:46:37

The key here is that if you're a SAHM, you're both working. He wouldn't be able to do his job without you looking after his kids (he'd at least need childcare and most SAHMs of young children that I know do quite a bit more than childminder or nursery hours).

In our house any money coming in is one big pot. Doesn't really matter whose name it came in on. Then it gets spent on bills and sensible stuff. Then basically shared but we don't actually divvy it up as we both just spend what we need. Clothes etc I wouldn't dream of asking about unless it was something expensive and unnecessary - but then he'd do the same. Small luxuries also fine but I guess that depends on what your disposable income is? Whatever it is it should be equally shared.

I can never understand why people do it differently but I know it happens. I had a friend on maternity leave who used to say she owed her dh £50 etc for a tesco shop and I was just WTF? How much is he paying you for growing a human?

deeplydivided Wed 24-Apr-13 00:50:18

DH works, I don't.

I keep my finances separately from DH on paper as it's better for us not to have a financial connection, but I use his debit card to do the weekly shopping, and withdraw cash for myself whenever I need/want it. We don't budget strictly as we always have enough to pay for essentials and things we want - we tend to put a bit of what's left into savings and to overpay the mortgage.

DH would give me a large cash sum every week when we first got married, so I suppose that was a bit like an allowance, but he soon got bored of having to go to the cashpoint so I just do it myself now grin

garlicyoni Wed 24-Apr-13 00:52:54

YABU hmm

Naoko Wed 24-Apr-13 00:54:12

I stopped bringing in money in January. I really struggled with not having any that's 'mine' to spend just how I want it, even though realistically even when I did most of it went on food and bills anyway (as does most of DPs income, there isn't much left at the end of the month). Eventually DP sat me down and said "look, I know you hate this, but please stop fretting over whether you can spend 'my' money. It's our money, we're both sensible about money, buy things you want, I'll do the same, it'll be fine."

And ever since, it has been. We both check in with the other if we're buying something costing more than £20 or so to make sure we can afford it, and it works. However, it only works because we have similar approaches to money, and neither of us spend more than we can afford. If one of us was a big spender and the other very stingy, or one or both of us had debts, I think I'd want us to divide what's left after bills equally and put it in separate accounts.

There's a psychological barrier there. You need to tell yourself it's ok, and reinforcement of that from your DP can help too like it did for me.

Osmiornica Wed 24-Apr-13 00:58:15

Husband works but I don't at the moment. When we first moved in together we had separate accounts but now we have a joint account his wages go into and both have access to. I buy what i need from there without him commenting to be honest. I manage the finances for us both as i have more time to do it so I buy the shopping etc. If I need something I buy it and he woudn't say anything - why would he?

We consider the wages he's paid to be ours ie the household's, not his individually.

Startail Wed 24-Apr-13 00:58:34

"Dh works and I don't. I have access to all money as it is in a joint account - we just buy what we like within reason, we never check with each other unless it is a massive purchase. Wrt clothes we buy what we need/like."

valiumredhead That's how it works here too. Except I buy DH's clothes and have to drag him kicking and screaming to the shops if he needs a new suit or shoes and has to try things on. He'll happily come shopping for clothes for me and the DDs, but really couldn't care less what he wears so long as he has enough formal shirts, ties and trousers for work. One working suit for important visitors and anything me and the DDS deem suitable weekend wear, except jeans which he hates.

Rulesgirl Wed 24-Apr-13 01:20:29

Im not working at the moment and I know what you mean but you are saving a hell of a lot by not paying childcare if you think about it. Some ladies on here seem to pay £900 per month for the kids to be looked after so you definitely can pay yourself some money for clothes and makeup etc.

Alligatorpie Wed 24-Apr-13 06:23:47

I am currently on unpaid mat leave ( live overseas, so no money coming in) I buy what i want for me and the kids, assuming we an afford it. I just take dh's bank card whenever I need / want it.
He would never question my spending, i'd be pissed if he did.

NapaCab Wed 24-Apr-13 06:36:33

Does your husband set himself an allowance for clothes? If not, then why would you? Clothes are a necessity like any other personal expense - toiletries, haircuts etc. Most single-earner couples just have a joint account and manage expenses jointly.

If it's an issue, you could always set out a monthly budget for clothes for everyone - him, you and children - per month to resolve any nit-picking over what you spend.

Alibabaandthe40nappies Wed 24-Apr-13 06:48:19

SAHM here.

All money is joint and we have an equal amount that goes into our personal accounts to spend on clothes or whatever else we want for ourselves.
Things like a suit for DH, or winter coats and boots for me come out of the joint account.

I have never considered that I can't spend our money just because it isn't my name on the payslip.

TeWiSavesTheDay Wed 24-Apr-13 06:59:33

We do our budget then we split what's left and put it in each of our private accounts. That's our personal, do what we want with spends.

aurynne Wed 24-Apr-13 07:08:57

Last time I had an "allowance" I was 14... my mum gave it to me every weekend.

My DH and I have a shared account, the money that goes in there is ours regardless of who earns it or how much each contributes. At the moment I am studying full-time, so I don't earn. I buy whatever I want, and we discuss big expenses. If in the future it's me working and him not working, it would be exactly the same. I would not accept "allowances", nor would I make him ask for one if he was not working.

littlewhitebag Wed 24-Apr-13 07:09:02

When i was a SAHM we had two joint accounts. My DH transferred an amount from the main account - more a budget than an allowance - into the other one every month for me to use for grocery shopping, clothes etc for me and the kids. I asked for this as i liked having some money to look after and spend as i needed. If i needed any more there was never any problem.
I now work and the arrangement still stands - two joint accounts - i use one he uses the other. He earns loads more than me so pays for all the household stuff. I pay for clothes, kids allowances (one at uni), dog related stuff, haircuts, my petrol etc.
It works for us.

The money belongs to us both. Dh may go out to work to earn it but I earn it by being a sahm. We share all the money and I spend what I like on myself. I would never spend silly money or be careless with our account though.

MrsLion Wed 24-Apr-13 07:25:02

No allowance. Nothing of the sort. Money, whoever earns it, goes into one pot and we spend it how we like, essentials, treats, nice to haves... Whatever.

We don't have to ask each other, but we trust each other to spend within our means, and with a healthy balance between family necessities and personal treats. In tougher times we have set ourselves strict budgets and agreed these together and fairly.

How very odd that some 'breadwinners' see the money as just theirs.

Part of the benefit of having a small amount of "my own" money is that if I want to save it up nobody else will spend it in the meantime!

Shodan Wed 24-Apr-13 07:54:17

We've never had a joint account. DH pays a set sum into my account each month to cover housekeeping (not bills) and 'stuff'. If I want clothes, I buy them. If I go over the monthly amount (I use my credit cards for everything and my cc limits are higher than the monthly sum paid into my account, iyswim), I tell him and he transfers more money into my current account.

It works well for us- it's not that I'm being denied a joint account, I just never wanted one.

Binkybix Wed 24-Apr-13 08:02:27

At the moment we both work and pay equal amounts into one account for bills etc, have some joint savings, make big purhases for house etc, then keep the rest in personal accounts to either spend or save. This works now because we earn almost the same.

When I go on mat leave DH will pay bills etc and whatever is left (not much!) will be split between our accounts to be used in same way. I must admit, the idea of not earning my own money is a bit odd to me. I'd feel fine if its because I was looking after children or was struggling to find work, but would feel uncomfortable if I just chose not to work.

I prefer separate spending accounts because DH spends more than me day to day and this means I can save for bigger things and DH can spend without worrying about eating into my saved money for bigger purhases.

CuppaSarah Wed 24-Apr-13 10:05:18

I don't get an allowance but I'd quite like one, but currently theres no room for luxuries. I'd quite like some trousers that fit me since giving birth, but I have enough pairs of tights and dresses that fit to justify it. My role is managing our money and finding ways to save it. I quite enjoy the budgeting too.

LarvalFormOfOddSock Wed 24-Apr-13 11:00:57

I worked full time for 13 years but quit my job 2 years ago to relocate when I became pregnant. I still have some (modest) savings from when I worked. We have a joint account for food and bills and holidays etc which is where our CB and tax credits go. If I want to buy any clothes or pay for personal things eg dance classes, haircuts etc, it comes out of my savings. I've probably got enough to sustain this until I look for work again when DS is at school. That said, I only ever buy clothes from ebay or charity shops so it doesn't cost much at all!

BlingLoving Wed 24-Apr-13 11:07:01

Every time I see threads like this I want to weep a little. You are at home looking after the children that you have together, so there should be no allowance. As a family, you earn a set amount. As a family, you have set expenses. And then, as a family you should agree with what to do with the rest.

Larval - that's actually very sad. I assume your DH has plenty of disposable income from whatever is left after paying bills which he keeps in his account? How is that a legitimate splitting of finances? You have had to save to have children but he doesn't?

SherbetVodka Wed 24-Apr-13 11:08:07

Our tax credits of about £25 a week get paid to me and I'm allowed to keep them as 'my' money. The child benefit also gets paid to me but I hand that over to DH as soon as it comes in, as it's needed for bills and so on. DH is happy for things like shampoo and tampons to come out of our shopping budget but I have to pay for any other personal stuff myself.

Having said that, he does pay for clothes or for me to get my hair done now and then if I'm really skint and depressed about the way I l

SherbetVodka Wed 24-Apr-13 11:11:35

Our tax credits of about £25 a week get paid to me and I'm allowed to keep them as 'my' money. The child benefit also gets paid to me but I hand that over to DH as soon as it comes in, as it's needed for bills and so on. DH is happy for things like shampoo and tampons to come out of our shopping budget but I have to pay for any other personal stuff myself.

Having said that, he does pay for clothes or for me to get my hair done now and then if I'm really skint and depressed about the way I look.
To be honest, it's never occurred to me that the money he earns is 'our' money rather than his. I have felt like a parasite ever since I stopped full time work when I was expecting DS. That was minimum wage and I could only cover my half of the rent with it, I couldn't afford to contribute to bills. Since then, I've had a couple of minimum wage part time jobs which have paid maybe one bill a month for us and I'm not working at all now.

AmberSocks Wed 24-Apr-13 11:13:00

we have 1 account and 1 savings account,dh pays himself a basic wage every moth which covers rent and council tax and then a dividend every 3 months,we save half of that and then we give ourselves a budget (mine is 500 a week his is 100)then the rest is just there for things we all do together.

the reason why mine is so much more is because it covers food,stuff the kids need,stuff for me,trips out and the cleaner,his just covers petrol buying lunch and snooker once a week.

Timetoask Wed 24-Apr-13 11:16:51

I am a SAHM, we have a joint account. DH's salary is paid into it.
I have a wonderful spreadsheet!, I use it every month to manage our finances and so I know exactly how much we will need to spend. If I need to I just use whatever I need for hair, clothes, etc.
DH knows that I am very responsible and organised with money and so doesn't worry about it.

AmberSocks Wed 24-Apr-13 11:18:33

one thing i think is unfair is when sahm get a pt job and say its just for them to have their own money to spend on what they want.why is that fair?would it be ok for a man to decide his money was for him only?

LarvalFormOfOddSock Wed 24-Apr-13 11:22:05

Bling, it's bit more complicated than that. DH was taken very ill and was in hospital throughout my pregnancy. He's self-employed so income was pretty much zero for that time. He's still ill intermittently so takings from his business are pretty low at the moment and he doesn't have much left over at all. Also, I moved into his house when we married. I had enough savings at the time to pay off the remaining mortgage but it was a fraction of what he'd paid for it over the years. (Luckliy we live in a very cheap area too so the mortgage was tiny considering national house prices generally). At the moment it seems to be the fairest split.

EldonAve Wed 24-Apr-13 11:25:27

I spend what I like
He spends what he likes

WilsonFrickett Wed 24-Apr-13 11:26:06

Everything that comes in is ours. We don't discuss what we buy, unless it's big purchases. DH is in 'charge' of the car and might say something like 'the road tax is coming out this month' so I know there will be a big payment going out, but that's just courtesy, not to ask permission or anything like that.

TBH I'm not going to give you a hard time - I remember feeling exactly the same way when I went on mat leave. You just have to discuss it and get on with it, really.

Fudgemallowdelight Wed 24-Apr-13 11:32:06

No my husband doesn't give me an allowance as i am his wife not his daughter

BlingLoving Wed 24-Apr-13 12:01:30

Larva - the way I see it is that now that you are married, it shouldn't be about your house/his house/your contribution/his contribution. So who paid what percentage of the house you share today should be irrelevant. Ditto, who earns what percentage of the money you have today should be irrelevant. If as a couple you're earning much, then of course, disposable incomes for both go down.

I work full time, DH is SAHD.

We have a joint account which salary, TC and child benefit goes into. All direct debits and standing orders and other bills are paid for out of this account too.

We both have equal access, so if I need something, I'll buy it, ditto DH. If we want to buy something then we talk about it first. DH always asks me first (whatever it is he needs) as he is too lazy to look at the bank account first confused. I generally take care of the bills though, so he doesn't know if there is anything due out.

Works for us!

DH works full time, I am SAHM.
All monies paid into a joint account, bills and savings come out of this also an allowance of £100 each into our personal accounts.

MiaowTheCat Wed 24-Apr-13 13:40:04

My husband's comment when I broached this with him was "you work - you look after the kids all day - it's OUR money"... so I just buy things as and when they're needed - but I rarely spend on clothes for me anyway since I'm a scruffball. HE tends to nag ME to spend money on clothes if I've spotted something nice!

Dahlialover Wed 24-Apr-13 14:15:38

All money into one account. All expenses paid - food clothes, fees, bills etc. including occasional 'fripperies'

Discuss large bills - car, windows, household appliances etc.

DH has what is left for putting in ISAs etc.

I am mindful of what is in the account and what needs to be spent so would not overspend

DontmindifIdo Wed 24-Apr-13 14:54:12

we have 3 main accounts, joint account for bills, food and things for DS, then DH and I have our own. When I go to being SAHM (from this week - yay!) what's left in DH's account after covering the increased payments into the joint account (as I'm not going to be putting anything in anymore) will be split 3 ways, one third goes into our savings account, one third DH will put in my account as my "fun" money (not allowance, I'm not 12!) and he keeps the final third for himself. This works best for us as we know we can spend that share without it impacting on family bills/costs and not have to worry about the other one seeing how much our hobbies (DH) or haircuts (me) cost. We both know that while one might spend it every month or the other save up to get big things, that over the year, we've had the same amount for ourselves each so I don't resent it when I realise there's yet another delivery from wiggle . Plus we both know what's being saved monthly and don't have to budget for that from "our" money.

oh, and a full time nanny would cost DH about 4 times what he gives me each month, that tends to focus the mind on the one working one spending crap - work out what 50% of a full time nanny would cost, (without even looking at what a cleaner costs if you do the bulk of that) if your 'allowance' is less than that, then your DH is "up on the deal".

EssexGurl Wed 24-Apr-13 16:02:40

I was like you, loathe to spend the "family" money in the joint account. So DH gives me a monthly allowance for me to spend on me. He knows that is the only way I would spend money. Nothing to do with him but my odd attitude to money!!!

Silverstar2 Wed 24-Apr-13 18:35:06

I always find it interesting how other people do things. I am not keen on the 'big pot' idea, not sure why just have never done it. It never occured to us to get one. DH and I don't have a joint account, never have, and don't suppose we ever will. DH works FT and earns far more than my PT wage, but we both have things we pay for - he pays the mortgage, all bills, food, cars etc, and pays a small amount into my account each month, and I pay my petrol, all kids stuff, like guides, cubs, clubs, clothing, school stuff. He has never paid for a birthday or Xmas present for the kids as i do all that. Oh we do have a joint credit card, but also our own too. I pay for my gym membership (which I use) and all my own clothes, pension, hair cut, etc.

It works for us. DH has been using 'spare' money to over pay the mortgae, and save, and i have some savings too, whcih we use for holidays. I wouldn't want a joint account, I am not sure why, just like my own account.

I have always worked, even when the kids were tiny, so I have always had my own money. DH is very frugal, he would cringe at the amount I spend on handbags and boots - best he doesn't know.

Mother2many Thu 25-Apr-13 03:12:49

1st yr when I officially moved in the DP, we opened a joint account, so when is away, I can pay bills. Well, never happens. Unless I'm short on something and I feel I have to ask for money... HATE doing that!!

DP makes alot more than me. So, he pays the mortage, hydro, and some groceries. I get child support which goes to my kids clothes, activities, school lunch stuff, gas.. etc. (not his children)

At least this year no man at my door with a disconnection notice on hydro, etc!!!!

1st yr, my DP got about $5000 back from income tax and put only 750 into this "joint" account. Huge fight there if some remember...

This yr when income tax came in mail, I put half in his account and half in mine!!! PERIOD.

My DP also will come home with groceries as it is cheaper not to bring I will grab more. Pisses me off, as he isn't home all week and has NO idea what we eat during the week!!

Back to bank accounts..

Not here... Joint incase of emergency, otherwise I think there is like 5.00 in it. His money, his account. My money, mine.

DontmindifIdo Thu 25-Apr-13 09:06:49

EssexGurl - I think I have a similar attitude, I need to know what my total budget for me, whereas it's a general pot, it's not just yours. I guess I've always had my own money, so I still want that when not in paid work.

mrspolkadotty Thu 25-Apr-13 09:46:10

DH works, i don't. Everything is paid out (mortgage/bills/savings/insurances/phone contracts/contact lenses for us both etc) and we each have a personal spends amount (usually £100, some months only £50 though) to spend on bits and bobs as we choose. We find this easier than just taking money out as and when because it helps us to budget better, to have 'pots' for everything. I do a big online shop at the beginning of the month to stock up then take out £40 a week for fresh stuff.

DH spends his money on a footy match, curry and beers with his mates once a month, the odd CD/DVD and occasionally clothes. I spend mine on clothes, fabric, yarn, magazines etc. We also have a 'family' pot which is used for days out, the odd takeaway, small treats for the kids, DD1's pocket money

I have an account where the child benefit & tax credits are paid into, this money pays for clothes/shoes/activities/school stuff etc for the kids. This account is just in my name because it's the same one i've had since i was a single parent to DD1, plus i deal with all the kids stuff.

KatAndKit Thu 25-Apr-13 10:01:11

I am not earning at the moment. That does not mean i am not working - I do full time babycare during DPs working hours. We have a joint account - if I want to buy myself something I just do it, within reason. Obviously if I wanted to make a large purchase we would talk about it but that works both ways. He manages the bank account, largely because it was his account before my name was added to it. I never closed my own account so it is handy when a separate account is needed - we are currently using it for wedding budget.
I hate the allowance idea - i'm an adult, I'm too old for pocket money.

LaQueen Thu 25-Apr-13 10:04:00

I'm off shopping soon...nothing major, just need some make-up, and getting DD1 some soft bras [fights back tears], then meeting friend for lunch.

DH left for work very early. I just asked him, is there money in our account, I need to go shopping to which he just replied yes, as he headed out the door.

And, that was it. No discussions, no questions. I'll just spend what I need to, today.

To be honest, I do think we are bizarrely laidback when it comes to money/spending...DH arrived home on Monday with a new camera, which I wasn't aware he was buying hmm

But, we've always lived like this...even as poor students, we had a very laissez faire (sp?) attitude to money.

cleoteacher Thu 25-Apr-13 10:08:02

my hubby is very 'i earn all the money' now that i am on ML and then will be working PT afterwards. He gets more fun money than me but whilst i stick to the amount he goes overdrawn which drives me mad. He claims £400 is too little for petrol, treats, clothes a month-is it?
It's really frustrating and I cannot seem to make him see it as our money. His answer to everything is I work!

LaQueen Thu 25-Apr-13 10:13:12

Cleo I would detonate like a nuclear warhead, if DH ever tried that line on me angry

TobyLerone Thu 25-Apr-13 10:14:04

I don't have an allowance.

DH's salary goes into his account. There is a monthly standing order for roughly the amount of the bills/mortgage/petrol/shopping etc which goes into our joint account. The maintenance from my XH also goes into that account. There is always more in there than we need, and I spend it as I see fit.

He offered to set up a monthly standing order into a new account for me, as 'spending money', but I really don't need it.

He buys whatever he wants (usually computer stuff), whenever he wants, from his own account.

He works really hard and is paid well for it. He suggested I give up work last year because I loathed my job and it was making me stressed, depressed and physically unwell. My children are in secondary school and I can't honestly say that what I do at home is hard work.

So, controversially, I think he deserves all of the spending money he has. I wouldn't know what to do with it if I had it! But if I wanted anything at all, it would be mine.

daftdame Thu 25-Apr-13 10:20:29

If you don't have joint accounts you must have some spending money to go in your own account. You could call it an allowance for want of a better word. This could be spent on clothes or any other items as you see fit.

Otherwise your husband would have to do all the shopping! Alternatively he could give you a credit card or lump sums now and again.

If he wants to scrutinise every purchase you make then the issue is more about him trusting you / your judgement.

BegoniaBampot Thu 25-Apr-13 10:27:31

cleo - sorry but that attitude would kill my love and respect for him. I haven't worked for 11 years since I had my first child and both are in school now. My husband transfers money into my account to cover all household needs and anything I or the children need but we see it as our money and never have to check with each other on what we spend it on.

Sonotkylie Thu 25-Apr-13 10:27:34

Bit of everything here. DH works, I stay at home. I have an 'allowance' for food shopping, petrol, DS clubs, dinner money, and other regular expenditure. This is a monthly standing order. We started this before DS was born when I went back to university and took sole control of household day to day things.
I also have a credit card. On this goes holidays, clothes for all of us, birthday presents, treats, days out, books, classes etc for me, etc etc etc. if I don't have enough to cover it, then I ask for more.
I too used to hate asking for more and then I realised, we are lucky enough that DH earns well, and he puts in long, hard hours for it. The hours impact on all of us in lots of ways, so we are all entitled to enjoy the proceeds. DH benefits too in that I take responsibility for all home stuff leaving his free time relatively free of boring nonsense, which also means he is free for us all to have fun. Now I may be looking for ways to justify a hideously outmoded way of life, but you know what, it works for us. And it is only money. You are earning it too!

daftdame Thu 25-Apr-13 10:37:36

OP is it that you feel you don't deserve the treats since you don't earn the money?

You shouldn't feel like this because there are other ways you can contribute without earning - and I bet you do just because you are thinking like this.

If money is a problem, you just need to work out a budget together.

Squitten Thu 25-Apr-13 10:42:04

Cleo - your husband is a twat.

DH earns the dough here. He gets paid into his own account and then puts enough to cover household expenses into joint account. He then also puts an amount in my account for my own use and child benefit goes to me too. Every month we then transfer any excess in our personal accounts into the joint account where our savings are kept.

No such thing as his money - only family money!

justaboutalittlefrazzled Thu 25-Apr-13 11:15:09

Cleo, you are going to have big money and relationship problems in the future if you don't sort this one out.
Apart from the obvious injustice of "I work, therefore I can spend" if he is regularly going overdrawn you are not living in a financially stable way. I think you need to stand up to him on this one.

BlingLoving Thu 25-Apr-13 11:45:43

Cleo - that is terrible and is a relationship and financial disaster waiting to happen. You really do need to put a stop to it. As for "I work", tell him you'll happily go back to work but then as a family you'll need to pay for childcare.

Bonsoir Thu 25-Apr-13 11:46:46

No, I just spend whatever I feel like!

WileyRoadRunner Thu 25-Apr-13 11:46:59

Meh I get an allowance. But we have a joint account which I am free to use whenever. I have a sole account to which my husband deposits a set amount each month. I spend that on me whatever I like.

For us this works. My Dh is very twitchy about money so it means I don't have to put up with him trawling through joint statements questioning every penny spent. If I needed extra money I would just take it out the joint account. TBF DH hardly spends anything and has less disposable income left in the joint account for himself than he gives me.

It works for us.

NeoMaxiZoomDweebie Thu 25-Apr-13 11:53:05

It took me AGES to accept that all the money was OURS. I have worked since DD1 was one year old...part time but I had this mindset that my money was mine and DHs was his and we should chip into the bills together.

He's helped me see that it's better to stick it all into one amount...we have separate accounts but let one another know what we have this month. We're both self employed so money varies a LOT month by month.

If one of us earns a lot one month then that one pays more bills than the other...if I want to buy something or he does, then we discuss it.

We're opening a joint savings account's the only way.

We have always had joint accounts. DH has a career and some years I have worked, some I haven't but there isn't any mine or yours- it's all ours.

If we buy something expensive, we will run it past the other, but other than that, we are adults and we trust each other not to empty the account buying rubbish.

We married very young though, when neither of us had been at work very long so we were never possessive about money (we never had much in the beginning)

My friends who married when their careers were rock solid were much more set in their ways about money and struggled to think of it as a joint family pot. Most of the friends who have discussed it with me, say that they have separate accounts still forever transferring payments for bills into different accounts and talking about owing their DH money.

One friend has a real tight arse husband who made her save for her maternity leave to keep up her end of the bills, because he didn't see why he should pay for her to lounge about the house on a jolly while looking after their child for a year. She has no idea how much he earns and lived off her child allowance for a long time.

She came into a huge inheritance recently and won't let her husband near the money, despite his sudden urge to pool all their resources...

MrsHoarder Thu 25-Apr-13 13:27:17

We've always had a joint account, even before we moved in together. DS tells me if we're tight on money and doesn't like me to feel I need to justify expenditure to him. Large purchases are discussed, and DH we review our joint finances every couple of months to check we're not running into trouble.

Again we've been together since we were skint students though and have always been "what's mine is yours".

GreenEggsAndNichts Thu 25-Apr-13 13:47:35

btw cleo I'd suggest considering going back full-time, when you feel able to. Your DH sounds horrible, I'm sorry. Agree with LaQueen's post.

everlong Thu 25-Apr-13 14:14:44

Have you discussed it with him?

Of course you're going to need some money. I'm just surprised he hasn't worked it out yet.

Talk to him.

PicaK Thu 25-Apr-13 18:10:06

I think that what works best is when people handle money in the way that suits them. When i worked i would get my wage slip and work out what was needed to cover bills, stuff i was saving for and lifestyle costs (haircuts, food, petrol travel costs etc.) Whatever was left was fun money and i would blow it.

When i got together with DH we pooled our income, put bill and lifestyle cost money in the joint account and had individual accounts for EQUAL fun money.

Now i'm a sahm i still need to know how much fun money i've got. Although we both have a lot, lot less these days!

Any scenario where one person has more money to spend on themselves than their partner is just unthinkable.

Cakecrumbsinmybra Thu 25-Apr-13 18:14:00

I don't get a clothing allowance (SAHM) or any other kind of allowance. I buy what I like within what we can afford. If I did feel guilty when I first gave up work, I don't anymore. It's not practical for me to work right now. It is practical for him to work. It's team work and it's not fair of one party to exercise financial control over the other. I don't take the piss and I wouldn't expect him to either. He doesn't spend much on clothes or fripperies, but has more expensive hobbies than me so it all balances out.

Bonsoir Thu 25-Apr-13 18:18:42

"Any scenario where one person has more money to spend on themselves than their partner is just unthinkable."

Really? Don't you think that if one partner has very little spare time (much less than the other partner), he/she might be entitled to have, for example, an expensive but time-efficient hobby? And that the other partner might think that was fair, given that he/she had much more time to hang out with friends and other low-key leisure activities?

TobyLerone Thu 25-Apr-13 18:21:10

DH absolutely works harder than I do, I want for nothing, so he deserves way more money.

Bonsoir Thu 25-Apr-13 18:26:59

My DP works very hard and has very little spare time. I do not resent his expensive hobbies (flying, ski-ing, personal trainer 2x a week) because my life is not as stressful.

merrymouse Thu 25-Apr-13 18:55:30

Unless it wasn't a joint decision for you not to work, and part of the deal was that you would forgo luxuries in order to finance your decision, I don't think it makes any difference whether you work or not.

You have to agree as a couple/family which things are necessities (eg how much you spend on your children, how much you spend on your house) and which items are luxuries.

Plan your budget together and be honest about your own needs and sympathetic about your partner's. Make sure you are both aware of your joint financial position. Financial arguments tend to happen when one or both partners have their heads in the sand.

BegoniaBampot Thu 25-Apr-13 18:57:11

yes but that is a hobby, i could equally spend the money on an expensive hobby if I wanted. If my hobbies are cheaper but i still get to do what I want then it isn't a problem. or if my husband was spending a lot on hobbies, especially if they took him away for a few days then he would be encouraging me to do similar.

Doubtfuldaphne Thu 25-Apr-13 20:42:49

Me and dh are properly old fashioned !
All the money goes in to his account ( I don't have one due to my terrible credit history and tendency to overspend) and he manages the bills and food and clothes etc
I get 20 a week ( we're on a low income ) and when i work ( I do casual work ) I also keep that money too.
Weird for some but it works for us!

BooksandaCuppa Thu 25-Apr-13 22:42:39

I agree to some extent with Bonsoir - dh and I have always had exactly equal 'pocket money' but there have been occasions when I've encouraged him to take extra money out of the savings for either expensive work suits or hobby equipment because he earns a lot more money than me (crucially) doing a job he hates and which is much more stressful than my lovely part-time one. I get more time with my friends/ds/to myself just mooching around.

The important point is that I feel we have equal say over where all our spare money goes/big purchases/reviewing pocket money allowances and always do our budgeting together.

DorisIsWaiting Thu 25-Apr-13 22:49:51

Dh and I have a joint pot for bills and all things child related and we each have a 'pocket money' account for things for ourselves which has £50 month (not much but it's what's reasonable on our income).

I can buy clothes get my hair cut, and dh buy tatty old books which he loves (and occasionally clothes when his are falling off him grin).

I manage most of the money and tell dh when we are moving ISA's etc for better rates.

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