AIBU or do I have to just put up with this? MIL related

(129 Posts)
Pinkflipflop Tue 23-Apr-13 19:46:09

MIL is going to help with childcare when I return to work so I know we are very lucky. However despite the fact that I am 33 and by no means a spring chicken MIL treats me like I don't really know what I'm doing with my ds.

Example
He's 11 weeks and was talking to my dh about starting him Farley rusks now as 'a little taste' despite me stating that he will not be weaned until 6 months
She is going to stop medication prescribed by the GP for my ds as she doesn't think he should have it
She tells me to hold my ds differently to how I am, e.g. If he facing away from me and well supported she'll say oh turn him round
She stands over me when I'm feeding him and just watches, which I find so annoying.

He has really dry skin on his face and it's itchy, so I use the babygros with scratch mits as I don't want his face scratched, I came home today with a big old bleeding scratch on his face. I asked why the scratch mits weren't on and she said she was afraid his hand would go deformed hmm. I tried to say look there wouldn't be scratch mits on the babygros if there was a danger of this but, no I'm wrong.
I know he will get lots of bumps and scratches in his life but I was very clear that I didn't want his hands scratching his face. FWIW I always allow him to use his hands to touch and explore and feel but then I cover them up again. I'm rubbish at trimming his nails, so I know the scratch issue is partly my fault.

I'm probably very PFB and my ds is only 11 weeks. I was away for 2 days on a work course so that's why she was with him.

I'm worried about how ill feel towards her when I go back to work (she will be doing 1 day a week). I really don't want my wishes ignored.

Do I have to bite my tongue? She said to my dh today that she has had lots of children so she knows what she is doing but she hasn't had my child before!

How do I get around this without falling out? I would never be disrespectful to her as my dh adores his dm and I adore him iykwim?!

Sorry for the ramble!

sherazade Tue 23-Apr-13 19:48:43

This is going to be very tricky. You're not being U or even PFB ; but if she's providing childcare you may have to suck it up or you're in for a bumpy ride.

WorraLiberty Tue 23-Apr-13 19:50:00

And you're lucky how exactly? confused

Use proper childcare...someone who will care for your baby properly and respect your wishes.

maresedotes Tue 23-Apr-13 19:50:29

Do you have to use her for childcare? It sounds like a recipe for disaster already and the arrangement hasn't even started. Speak to your DH and maybe come up with a tactful way of telling her.

PregnantPain Tue 23-Apr-13 19:50:38

I would not be letting this woman look after my child if she told me she was going to refuse said child prescribed medication. Look elsewhere.

maresedotes Tue 23-Apr-13 19:51:44

Forgot to say YANBU. The withdrawal of medication would annoy me.

if you can afford to, i'd sort out some other form of childcare.

also, tell her straight - "i'm his mother & what i say goes. if you're not willing or able to do things my way, i'll get someone else to look after him. it's up to you."

Fairylea Tue 23-Apr-13 19:54:10

The medication thing is a deal breaker.

Don't let her look after your dc.

It will be endless arguments and will permanently damage any relationship you all have.

Pinkflipflop Tue 23-Apr-13 19:54:21

I don't have to use her it was just to try and save some money.

I actually said to my dh I would rather do without and use a childminder who wouldn't ignore me. I was more diplomatic when talking to him as its his mother after all.

My mum is minding 2 days a week but I trust her more as I have a more honest relationship with her and can just tell her she's being an idiot without risking a family feud and vice versa her to me.

CabbageLooking Tue 23-Apr-13 19:54:55

You have to find alternative childcare. She is not going to follow your wishes and you will have to pretend to be grateful for her help. Will your DH support you?

Salmotrutta Tue 23-Apr-13 19:59:21

It's the stopping medication thing that would scupper it for me!

No way should she be over-riding a Doctor. Unless she's a doctor herself?

No?

Didnt think so hmm

Is she a bit mad?

Fairylea Tue 23-Apr-13 19:59:33

Is the medication for reflux by any chance? A lot of older generation pils seem to think reflux is just a made up excuse for fussy babies (had all this ourselves). Could you show her some printed stuff on it or even take her along to the gp with you when you renew the prescription? Just a shot in the dark!

Ionasky Tue 23-Apr-13 19:59:52

Agree, she's just too opinionated. Fwiw, nursery don't do everything how you'd want it but as others have said, the medication is a deal breaker. Get dh to back you up either way before saying anything but try not to fall out with her as you'll still need her support even if not one day every week. The rusk thing is also nuts...ps tried filing the nails instead of cutting?

bookbird Tue 23-Apr-13 19:59:59

Family childcare can be a blessing, but not at the expense of general family relations, or the feeling of worry when you are leaving your child in someones care who regularly disregards your wishes. This would be a deal breaker for me.

I would not use your MIL for childcare (given her track record after only 11 weeks), sorry.

LittleBearPad Tue 23-Apr-13 20:03:50

When are you going back to work? If after weaning (6 months etc) you may feel better but to be honest I'd get a childminder. She has had children and chose how to look after them but your DS isn't her child so she should respect your choices.

Finola1step Tue 23-Apr-13 20:05:22

I agree that the stopping of prescribed medication is the big one here. Wouldn't be surprised if she gave baby his first taste of baby rice etc on the day she has him. Paid childcare allows you to set the expectations in my experience.

AlbertaCampion Tue 23-Apr-13 20:06:58

OP, are we SILs? grin You have just described my mother to a T.

"Are you still pouring those drugs down his throat?" she would ask, every time we spoke, before telling me that doctors didn't know what they were talking about and mums knew best (but not me, obviously).

"Just a little bit!" she would stay, wafting a chunk of rusk under his nose. She went out and bought the rusks specially, although I kept asking not to. He was 10 weeks old. She tried feeding him creme caramel while my back was turned...

If my DM and your MIL are as similar as they sound, I have to warn you that it doesn't get any better. Now he is one, the battlegrounds are rusks (still) and cakes/biscuits/chocolates, and Robinson's fruit squash - she thinks I am "cruel" for giving him plain water and that he doesn't like it, even though it is what he drinks day in, day out.

My advice? However much you dislike confrontation, stand your ground now.

EndoplasmicReticulum Tue 23-Apr-13 20:07:18

You sort of have a choice, but it's not a good one.

Option 1 - let MIL look after your baby and put up with early weaning and withdrawal of medication.

Option 2 - let MIL look after your baby and try to get her to do things your way instead. This may be impossible.

Option 3 - sort out alternative childcare, shrug off any resulting tantrum from MIL.

Option 3 seems your best bet, really.

IneedAsockamnesty Tue 23-Apr-13 20:10:00

Not a chance I would leave my child with someone who would with hold prescribed medication or even say they would.

Chandon Tue 23-Apr-13 20:10:17

I woud look for professional childcare, it sounds too annoying.

BerylStreep Tue 23-Apr-13 20:13:16

This is going to be trouble. She doesn't respect your wishes. I would sort something else out. When are you going back to work?

Hissy Tue 23-Apr-13 20:13:58

Sort out the childcare. she won't take you seriously, in any eventuality, unless you make this stand NOW.

You child is at risk here, for a few quid a week (well £££, but you get the idea)

Please find someone who will care for your baby.

DontmindifIdo Tue 23-Apr-13 20:18:30

when are you returning to work, after a year or sooner?

Personally, the medication and the ignoring your wishes re weaning would be enough, I'd start by asking your DH how he's going to tackle both of these because if she carries out her threats, you don't think she's safe to have your DS. It doesn't matter that she's raised lots of other children, this is your child and it's your job to do the best for him, and if your MIL does carry out these threats, then she's not the best for him. I would personally get professional childcare, and tell your DH yo'ure happy to tell his DM the truth (that you do'nt think she's able to look after your DS well enough) or he can help you think of a good way of wording it.

BumbleBee2011 Tue 23-Apr-13 20:19:57

A lot of people wouldn't be able to look for an alternative, but if you can afford it would seem like a very easy decision to me (this is the tip of the iceberg, there will be a lot more stuff later on she'll totally disregard you over).

lauriedriver Tue 23-Apr-13 20:21:40

If you really need the childcare then I suggest you try your best to ignore her.

she sounds irritating but it is only 1 day a week. She's probably guilty of being a loving gran who thinks she's doing you a favour & passing on advice. However outdated that advice might be.

i can't see why your child would come to any harm in her care & your baby will grow up having a loving bond with gran.

Wishiwasanheiress Tue 23-Apr-13 20:22:55

Do not give ground now or just agree to give baby over. He's ur son u decide. Rethink childcare. Good luck smile

ShadowStorm Tue 23-Apr-13 20:25:17

I agree that her saying that she's going to stop your DS's medication is very worrying. What makes her think that she knows better about what medication he should receive than you and the GP?

The comments about early weaning would also bother me (not as much as the medication one), as would the general impression that she's going to ignore your wishes if they clash with her opinions on looking after children.

I'd seriously be looking into getting professional childcare instead.

BlastAndDalmatians Tue 23-Apr-13 20:30:15

Laurie the MIL has withheld prescribed medication for the baby because she doesn't think he needs it, that counts as the child coming to harm in my book!

My ex MIL used to look after my ds while I worked. Didn't have a choice, I was forced to work and couldn't have afforded childcare, even if I had been allowed to use it. She gave my son baby rice when I specifically told her I was waiting to wean, fed him utter crap when he was older, got him into the habit of waiting till I had left then asking for chocolate and crisps which he would always get. He had a slight cough with no other symptoms, she suggested calpol. I said it won't do anything for a cough and I'd rather not give it to him just for the hell of it. I later caught her mixing it into his drink.

Basically, if you have the choice and you're not happy, don't do it.

jacks365 Tue 23-Apr-13 20:33:40

This could be my mother so its not restricted to mils.

She doesn't believe in feeding on demand.

She thinks picking up a baby everytime they cry is spoiling them.

I was unable to breastfeed for medical reasons so she said i should water down her formula.

If she tells me one more time that it was fine to put me outside in a pram for hours i'll scream.

I'd rather trust my mil to babysit.

I'm just a child who knows nothing about babies and she's brought up 3, problem with that is its dd4 i am getting the advice for and i was 42 when she was born. I think i have a good idea what i'm doing.

Good luck but you are fighting a losing battle find a childminder who will respect your wishes.

Pinkflipflop Tue 23-Apr-13 20:39:14

It gets worse, I arrived home today and my ds was outside in the pram.

I've just answered my own question.

Hissy Tue 23-Apr-13 20:42:59

Please don't fail him here, please just take the decision that you will make the best choice for childcare for him.

Good gracious she doesn't listen does she!
I hope you have Dh on side for when you tell her she doesn't get to babysit anymore.

FunnyBigToe Tue 23-Apr-13 20:45:24

Find other childcare. YANBU.

lauriedriver Tue 23-Apr-13 20:48:04

Withholding medication doesn't count as harm. The op wrote one sentence about medication so I presume the medicine prescribed isn't some life saving medication or she might have focused on that point more strongly.

She focused more on the scratch mittens. The mil might be a bit of a pain in the arse but she will love your child & cherish their time together, more than any childminder ever will.

badguider Tue 23-Apr-13 20:49:16

I am going to not use MIL for regular childcare for work because although she is lovely I would rather she was available for emergency backup and also for babysitting when Dh and I want to do something together.

If you need a way to say 'no thanks' to your MIL and are worried she'll be offended if you get a childminder could you say you want to do the same as me?

DontmindifIdo Tue 23-Apr-13 20:52:29

I think that's answered it hasn't it?

She's bound to get upset, but quite frankly, someone is going to be upset, is it going to be MIL, or is it going to be you and your DS?

My view is, if you aren't going to do childcare for your own children, you need to be 100% confident that the alternative is as good as you doing it. It's hard enough going back to work without added worry that by doing so you are failing your DS.

seeker Tue 23-Apr-13 20:53:56

Not saying that all the other stuff was OK- but what's wrong with him being outside?

flossy101 Tue 23-Apr-13 20:59:54

I've been in a very similar predicament OP.

We have gone with paying for childcare (nursery).

Pinkflipflop Tue 23-Apr-13 21:00:46

The medication was anti reflux, he vomits horrifically without it but she wanted to 'wean' him off it. I don't think she was trying to deliberately harm him.

I don't like him being left outside alone- a relative got bitten by a dog in their pram whilst being left alone so I'm a bit paranoid I suppose. Was left horrifically disfigured.

Pinkflipflop Tue 23-Apr-13 21:01:24

Not that I've ever left him outside alone!

elQuintoConyo Tue 23-Apr-13 21:02:57

If you cannot afford other childcare, you should seriously stand your ground - and get your DP to back you up 100% in your presence and state that it's non-negotiable.
Do you think she's the kind of person who'll take offense at being left out when your own DM 'babysits' twice a week?
Maybe give her a month and see how it goes. If she's still messing about, fire her!

Hissy Tue 23-Apr-13 21:04:28

She's made all this easier for you.

Make it the straw that broke the camel's back, the example you need it to be.

Pinkflipflop Tue 23-Apr-13 21:04:39

I quite like the idea of giving her a probationary period! I go back to work in September, so I have a while yet to get things sorted. I'm just feeling a little stressed about it all today.

grograg Tue 23-Apr-13 21:05:09

She left you 11 week old baby outside? The front? What did your DH say about that?

Pinkflipflop Tue 23-Apr-13 21:06:29

Dh didn't really say anything but he thinks his dm can do no wrong so I have to be careful.

Pinkflipflop Tue 23-Apr-13 21:06:45

Yes, at the front.

mrspaddy Tue 23-Apr-13 21:07:13

My honest advice is to go for paid childcare. I think she is irritating you already YANBU, she would irritate me too. It is going to excalate and it will be hard to not offload your concerns everyweek to your DH. I just think it your MIL is in your life and for the future. You don't need things getting awkward. A good friend of mine has a very difficult relationship now with MIL since she minded her child for few months and that was good few years ago.

Pinkflipflop Tue 23-Apr-13 21:08:12

I'm probably totally paranoid but I felt like screaming what if someone ran off with him?! It could happen.

All come to light today as its the first time I've left him and its given me an insight into how I will feel.

grograg Tue 23-Apr-13 21:10:08

Was she watching out the door/ window? I'd have taken the baby and then called her to ask how he was. But hen m a bitch. Seriously though its not on is it? I would be fuming. What did you say to her?

idiuntno57 Tue 23-Apr-13 21:10:25

free childcare comes at such a big price. I completely resented my MIL because she ignored me yet I had to go to work. Looking back paying someone who does what YOU want is the right way. Even if in the short term it means you are paying to go to work.

diddl Tue 23-Apr-13 21:13:31

"she said she was afraid his hand would go deformed"-seriously-how did you not laugh?

On the grounds of that I'd say no as she sounds completely witout common sense.

On the grounds of not giving prescribed necessary medicine I would say she's a danger!!

BTW-your husband needs to wise up & realise it's not about his bloody mother-but the safety of his own child.

So-upset his mum or know that his child is safe?

seeker Tue 23-Apr-13 21:15:09

Stick to things that are important, is my advice. The leaving outside one makes you sound a bit over anxious. However, the weaning and the medication is important.

But pick your battles.

Pinkflipflop Tue 23-Apr-13 21:16:42

I'm completely serious about the hand thing. I asked her why he was outside and she said to sleep.

It's just a catalogue of annoyances and the poster who said she irritates me is completely right.

FrequentFlyerRandomDent Tue 23-Apr-13 21:17:01

Stopping prescribed medications and leaving baby outside would be biggies for me.

Is there a diplomatic way, eg it is not about her but about you (even if not true)' or some practical problem, eg childminder refuses to have only two days, minimum is three and such a great childminder, etc?

Pinkflipflop Tue 23-Apr-13 21:17:47

Do I sound over anxious? Really? I sort of want to know if I do!

foslady Tue 23-Apr-13 21:17:56

Would you be able to do your job effectively if MIL was your childcare?

Think that answers your question.....

DontmindifIdo Tue 23-Apr-13 21:18:48

I think you need to tell your DH all this and ask him how he's going to make his mum care for your DS the way you want, that if he doesn't think he can, you'll go ahead and book alternative childcare. Don't give her a probationary period, how the hell would you say to him then "I've decided your mum isn't looking after DS well enough" and then do a settling in period with a new childcare, find someone you trust on short notice.

Believe me, the first few weeks back at work leaving your baby are tough, you will feel weepy and worried about leaving your DS as it is, this is when you are 100% certain the care is as good as (or better!) the care you could do yourself. Throw in thinking "shit, what state will he be in when I get home? Will she have left him outside? Will she have lied about giving him medicine? What will she have fed him?" etc and you'll be no use to anyone.

Start researching other options now, if you go for a nursery you could present it to your MIL that you would like DS to have a group based childcare to get used to other children... If you go for a childminder, it;s because while DS is an only child, it'll be like being in a home with older siblings and really good for DS to get used to then for when you have the next DC... you'd like MIL to be more of a "proper granny" not the 'help'. Much better this way... Don't back down though.

marzipananimal Tue 23-Apr-13 21:20:15

I don't think you sound over anxious. Baby in pram in an enclosed garden is probably fine, but out the front - absolutely no way!!!

Pinkflipflop Tue 23-Apr-13 21:20:28

V useful dontmind I like that idea!

DontmindifIdo Tue 23-Apr-13 21:21:36

Oh and I'd ask your DH to justify not giving your DS medicine and leaving him outside and going against weaning guidelines - not saying he's "sure she knows what she's doing" ask him to justify what she is actually doing - if he can't ask him why his mothers feelings are more important than yours and your DS's safety? Make him see you will never be happy with his mother doing childcare. This is not a problem tht will go away so he can help you manage it or he can just head in sand and then you will tell your MIL straight out that you think she's not looking after DS well enough.

Bobyan Tue 23-Apr-13 21:30:37

Don't let her look after him, it will be much harder to let her start and then tell her that she isn't good enough. She sounds like an accident waiting to happen...

IneedAsockamnesty Tue 23-Apr-13 21:36:15

I agree that it will be harder if you do let her start off.

Out of interest how did the "I want to wean someone else's baby off prescribed medication" conversation happen.

I cannot think of any circumstances where a rational person would even say that.

Pinkflipflop Tue 23-Apr-13 21:40:17

I overheard her talking to dh about it and when he was making next feed she said don't put any of that in his bottle. I said absolutely put it in his bottle followed by filthy look.

She makes me feel like I am a little girl who hasn't a clue!

Bearcrumble Tue 23-Apr-13 21:42:25

I'm quite shocked she left the baby in the pram outside in the front garden. I know everyone did it in my mum's day but it just isn't done now.

Also not wanting to give medication that he needs or he voms.

No, sorry - you are not being over-cautious or PFB. I wouldn't leave any child with her.

Bearcrumble Tue 23-Apr-13 21:44:02

Also if she says something you disagree with and you tell her what's what - remember there is nothing she can do!

You may feel all anxious about the confrontation but the fact is that you have the power as he is your son. She can't do anything if you don't allow her to.

FunnyBigToe Tue 23-Apr-13 21:46:33

It sounds like you can't trust her and she sounds the sort that would go behind your back and give him rusks or withhold meds whether you or your DH spoke to her about it, she just wouldn't tell you, that is not someone you want to leave your baby with. Definitely find other childcare.

DontmindifIdo Tue 23-Apr-13 21:47:50

OP - there's no justification for not giving a child prescribed medicine if the parents want too, she's not good childcare, she's just free.

You arne't being over cautious, you are just not leaving your child with someone who won't look after them safely.

A good test, if you were paying a childminder and they did any of this, would you think twice about removing them from that childminder's care? If not, then you aren't being precious.

YouDontWinFriendsWithSalad Tue 23-Apr-13 21:48:58

I don't think you sound over anxious, OP. I wouldn't mind about the garden thing BUT there needed to be an adult with him, especially if it was out the front!

Big red flag with the medication statement, that is not just a difference of opinion in how things should be done, it could be dangerous in the future.

Please find alternative childcare. Dontmind's suggestions are good BUT they do leave some room for argument. So practise saying something firmly like "this is best for us all, thank you", and then repeating it until she gets bored of asking.

SonShines Tue 23-Apr-13 21:52:32

Get proper childcare - this sounds hellish now and it will only get worse.

ImperialBlether Tue 23-Apr-13 21:55:42

You need to take her to the doctor with you and let him/her make an absolute show of her. It's disgraceful that she's trying to withhold his medication.

redwellybluewelly Tue 23-Apr-13 22:01:17

Book a nursery or childminders place.

Just do it.

Seriously.

This isn't going to get any better and its far easier to take the moral high ground when your job isn't relying on her watching (or not) your son. Also your DH needs to grow a pair.

quoteunquote Tue 23-Apr-13 22:07:51

OP, the short answer is grow a pair (you are his mum), the long is

You need to take her by the hand and ask her to sit down, explain that she needs to listen to you,

Dearest MiL, this is non negotiable, either you completely without complaint or opinion , comply with all of my wishes as regards to DS, or I will choose childcare for him that does, do you think you are able to do that?

If she says yes then tries to add a but, say no the buts are the bit that doesn't work for me or DS.

Walk away it will never work for you or your son who is the person you are meant to be doing your very best for.

if she stand over you when you are feeding, say "go away'

She has had children, but we all know a lot more since then, so unless she has up to date training, she is out of date, and there is nothing more dangerous than someone who is too arrogant to take on board new information.

Ask her if her MiL ran the show for her, and how that made her feel?

Explain you want to work with her, but unless she is able to follow your wishes honestly you can't.

Then it's up to her, you have offered, she probably wondering why you are such a push over.

If she has any questions send her on here, lots of knowledgeable people,

ask her to start a thread ,

1, will mitts deform my grandson's hands?
2, should I feed a rusk to my grand son even if his mum (DiL) says no?
3, should I stop the medicine the doctor prescribed for GS, even if his parents want him to have it?

tell her to ask here,

You need to be the one who decides how your son is raised,

greenformica Tue 23-Apr-13 22:11:04

The baby out side and medicine withholding would make me arrange proper care with a childminder. Just do it and then tell them after. Explain to your DH that anyone could have walked off with your DD and that tis the final straw. You need to put babies saftey first above his/MIL's wishes.

greenformica Tue 23-Apr-13 22:13:29

She is doing lots of things against your wishes at the end of tha day (rusks, mittens,pram outside, medicine). Advice has changed over the years and she needs to be led by your wishes/knowledge. It would be fine for her to make gentle suggestions but not enforce her idea of parenting against your wishes.

nametakenagain Tue 23-Apr-13 22:14:34

I don't think that parents or grandparents are always the best judge of what is best for the children BUT

At this point, with your new baby, you need to be supported. Your MIL needs to be reminded of what this time feels like, and to listen to you. Can you enlist your dh to help explain that it needs to be a joint endeavour? You need to be able to trust each other,a nd support each other in the tricky business of looking after a small child. Or non-one will be happy.

Mamacj Tue 23-Apr-13 22:14:38

Will ur mil not feel really hurt if ur mum is doing child care 2 days a week. My baby goes to nursery, I have 2 sets of very keen grandparents who are chomping at the bit to see ds. Sometimes I do think to myself that I am handing my ds over to some poorly paid young girl when he could be with loving grandparents who wouldn't do what I told them but they do it their own way in nursery anyway!

okthen Tue 23-Apr-13 22:17:16

Sorry have not read the whole thread, but speaking from bitter experience, I would advise that you do not rely on her for childcare. We did with mil and it caused no end of irritation at best, serious tension at worst.

In fact I'd advise anyone not to rely on family for childcare unless it's really really unavoidable, or unless the relationship is excellent and childcare approach completely in tune.

CatsRule Tue 23-Apr-13 22:20:06

Your mil can't care much for her gc if she feels the need to undermine the mother. This is your baby and you need to set the rules...sooner rather than later. And your dh needs to get a grip and put your child first and that includes necessary medication.

My ds was terrible with reflux too and my mil was and still is a complete cow. Difference is, she has never and will never be trusted...even by her own son whos eyes were truly opened to her appauling behaviour when ds was born. She even tried to make out it was a disgusting thing to brreastfeed my own baby!

She will miss out and it is her own fault. Your mil seems to be heading in that direction. I know it's hard especially to have the confidence to stand up to people after having a baby but the sooner you do it the easier it will get. I errupted at her and she knows her place. Every now and then I do need to nip at her and remind her that she doesn't make any decisions, dh and I do where ds is concerned.

interalia Tue 23-Apr-13 22:21:00

I would be seriously unhappy with all the things she has done. In fact, I would have started a row about it ages ago so you are more patient and nicer than me. I don't stand for being criticised for no reason.

Get a professional to care for your son. Tell mother in law that you are worried it will be too much for her looking after him all day, what about her life, etc. but that you would be so grateful if she would look after him the odd time. Will it be a problem financially if you have to pay for care for him 1 day a week?

Gay40 Tue 23-Apr-13 22:22:58

I don't think you are being pfb at all. There is no such thing as free childcare though...everything has a price one way or the other.
If you feel that she isn't going to adhere to your "rules" then she cannot be trusted with your baby. Never mind hurt feelings. It's your baby.
Pay for childcare and then you can call the tune.

DailyNameChanger Tue 23-Apr-13 22:41:23

Oh crap, reading this has taken me back 9 years lol and a good reminder why, as well as the fact I am too old, I can defo have no more babies. It is mega annoying but it does get better. Sort out your own childcare, get hub to visit once a week with bub and see her yourself on high days and holidays.

WishIdbeenatigermum Tue 23-Apr-13 22:47:58

You're not overanxious- Mil's 'care' is substandard. Look for a nursery cm or nanny. She may well be upset, but she's deliberately goading you with the rusks, medication and scratch mits; she could have taken your concerns onboard and has chosen not to.

Pinkflipflop Tue 23-Apr-13 22:58:22

I really think I will have to look for a proper childcare arrangement and someone who is reliable for my ds.

I thought it would have worked but today has shown it clearly won't.

I'm going to be working for nothing until ds goes to school. I know most people are in the same boat.

ChasedByBees Tue 23-Apr-13 23:06:41

Based on everything you've said, I wouldn't let her babysit for a couple of hours, let alone be regular childcare. Get a nursery or childminder. You may be working for nothing now, but it keeps you relevant and in the market place and it'll pay off in the end.

IneedAsockamnesty Wed 24-Apr-13 00:20:46

If she gets all hurt because your mum may still be helping out make sure you remind her that your mum does not ignore your instructions and if she ever did then you are quite happy to tell her to fuck off and stop it, with out it causing a massive drama.

pickledginger Wed 24-Apr-13 00:36:08

It's really a case of do you mind her doing what she sees fit for 2 days a week. Which from what you've said means not giving him reflux medication, not protecting him from scratching himself, trying to wean an 11 week old and leaving him alone outside.

LeoandBoosmum Wed 24-Apr-13 00:45:59

If there is any other way I would not have your MIL provide childcare. It is NOT going to work and will end in tears.

AMR73 Wed 24-Apr-13 00:56:55

Your MIL would drive me nuts. You are the Mother- she should respect your wishes. Your Husband should be putting your wishes first.

"She's very hungry, try her on some rusk"

DD was 4 weeks old and hungry because she was a star who slept all night from 10pm to 6am (she had a huge feed before bed and didn't stir) so she was catching up.

"Give her some jam on your finger"
DD was 3 months old.

Hmm, we didn't ask MIL to babysit DD hmm

CautionaryWhale Wed 24-Apr-13 01:20:30

Wow! this is the first time in 5 years I am not automatically siding with DIL
that said YANBU to be irritated by MIL - as is shown on mumsnet regularly it can be very fraught with an annoying doting MIL and a baby particularly PFB.

YABU to not cut her a bit of slack. It is quite simply a question of different eras/parenting advice.
When I had DC1 years ago you could start to wean at 4 months, now it's six. Sleeping positions is another - Back To Sleep was excellent for reducing SIDS but not new research/trends make such huge differences. I used infacol for DC1 - now wouldn't for DC2 as some research has shown it has little effect at all. Cod liver oil used to be used rather than vit D supplements etc etc

I know it is a case of wanting to be heard and respected and it sounds instead like a battle of wills/control freakery but face it, you are going to cause huge family tension by allowing your mum to have him 2 days and your MIL not at all.

Bottom line- she has brought up a baby really well - must have done as you fell in love with him.
She will provide TLC that can be got from a childminder yes, but not all childminders are equal.

The rusks - i get it, i do - my MIL wanted to give dippy eggs early but we had allergies in the family so I wanted to wait, but looking back I was being pfb about it, certainly in how abrupt/dismissive I was rather than seeing it for what it was which was echoing little things she had done with and for DH, ditto baby powder, ditto wanting to give a bottle...

I exclusively bf and extended bf and boy did I lord that over her in retrospect--she used to like to watch but that was the only way she could feel connected with the milk as I refused to entertain the idea of mixed feeding or expressing --nipple confusion etc but again I was a bit petty about it

The hand mitts is hilarious - I know what she means though blush I often thought DD looked cramp even though knew she was fine - but really you have said you are not cutting the nails as often as you should and that's not her fault - don't blame you either, hate cutting nails but that's by the by

The medicine would depend entirely if it has to be taken every feed or a specific time or if it is proven to be an essential/has conclusive benefits rather than a placebo/give it a try prescription. I could talk at length about overprescribing and the baby industry but as I do not know the details I will try and butt out.

Pram outside - many advocate a bit of cold freah air - particularly Scandinavia and quite a few nurseries might also do. Sleeping in pram outside if baby not at sitting up stage etc not worst thing I have ever heard - it would help promote sleep. If can be seen from window or heard from monitor would not be unduly concerned unless there are neighbours with big dogs or totally exposed area or rough as fuck area (not being a snob, have lived in areas where I wouldn't leave my cat out let alone a baby and others where I would feel perfectly safe doing so. The media and internet have made a great deal out of baby snatching and paedophiles etc and many children have lost out as a result)

So...you will probably have less resentment if you make other arrangements but you are going to have more rows with DH and MIL as a result of that decision.
Rusks - would not kill me
Free hands - would not kill me - Would ask MIL to cut nails as 'her' job
Meds - would not kill me, would give later - unless absolutely critical
Air outside - would not kill me but would request back if front dangerous

But I say that now as a mum of two with third due in a few weeks and without support from family (MIL cancer, mum away) so I cannot be anything other than biased.

Am aware that with my pfb nothing my MIL did was seen as anything other than oppressive, controlling, competitive and interfering. I rejected all of it. It is only now I see she just wanted to be let in, included, have her opinions respected if not followed and be allowed the freedom to dote on her first grandchild sad

CautionaryWhale Wed 24-Apr-13 01:22:43

not all new research/trends

CautionaryWhale Wed 24-Apr-13 01:25:57

fresh Should not mumsnet at stupid o'clock in the morning

zipzap Wed 24-Apr-13 01:26:52

You'vealready had the probationary period - now. And mil has shown that she is not to be trusted.

She's putting her thoughts and wishes above the welfare of her dgc - so I wouldn't hesitate to pick her up on it - tell her that as she doesn't want the best for her grandchild then you're not letting her look after him.

And I know the feeling about being treated like a child by her but unfortunately you need to take a deep breath and start treating her like a doddery old buffoon asthat ishowshe is presenting herself at the moment.

Good luck - I think that not allowing her to do any childcare isthe way you have to go. And remember if she gets angry or upset with you for making this decision remind her that it was only as a result of her actions and obvious disregard for your wishes combined with a complete disregard for any advances in modern medicine or childcare techniques over the past 40(?) years that have forced you and dh to have to make the decision. You could even wind her up more if you felt like it by saying that you would have liked her to look after your ds even if its not true but how could you possibly risk your child with her after she has demonstrated exactly how badly she would treat your dc.

IneedAsockamnesty Wed 24-Apr-13 08:02:29

Loads of things have changed since I started having baby's.

I does not mean than should I look after someone else's I would go against their wishes.

Gay40 Wed 24-Apr-13 08:24:59

Yes, generations of people raised babies. However, this is not the point. OP is worried about the care of her baby, and it's her choice who looks after him.
There is nothing worse than being at work, worrying about your baby. No amount of hurt feelings by grandparents will justify that worry.
OP I'm totally with you on this. Your rules, or just No.

memphis83 Wed 24-Apr-13 08:50:23

My MIL only has ds for short times while I go to the doctors or something after she made it clear early on her parenting was totally different. Including-
Ds (my dp) slept through from 6 weeks....well he went in his own room and when he cried I ignored him as he was old enough to sleep through.
You entertain him too much my ds would sit happily in the other room all day i his pushchair with a wooden spoon and whisk.
When my ds was 3 months he used to tug on my hair, she told me to smack his hand away.

I told dp my reasons why she couldn't have him and he understood. Your child your rules imo and if she can't do them the she loses out. Would it be easier to sit down with her and explain?

innermuddle Wed 24-Apr-13 08:51:40

This is exactly why I would never use family as childcare. I would much h rather pay and feel more able to control what happens.
Does your husband agree that his mum is a nightmare?

Mamuss Wed 24-Apr-13 09:03:22

I had similar and eventually got a childminder. So nice going to work knowing my child will be cared for as I want him to be. However because I initially let mil have him it caused problems when I 'replaced' her. She misses having him but she just did not listen...

Saski Wed 24-Apr-13 09:12:31

Gah! I am horrified at the thought of someone giving a RUSK to an ELEVEN WEEK OLD!!!!

What the hell?

And sorry, I haven't read the whole thread but what kind of medication is she withholding? WTF?

I'd do a lot to keep the peace with my MIL, who also is prone to overstepping the mark - but I wouldn't leave my baby alone with this woman. Just don't.

Flobbadobs Wed 24-Apr-13 09:20:14

I actually stopped my MIL looking after my DC's after giving her many chances. I ended up looking for another job in order to not need her as she was a nightmare and my children were older!
DH would pick them up and get a list of things we were doing wrong such as giving them a snack after school despite the fact that they would practially inhale their tea, DS in particular came in for a bashing as he wrote phonetically at the time and she would stand over him while he did his homework and the fact that even though he went to school looking clean and tidy he would come out with shirt untucked and tie in his pocket.
They were constantly compared to their cousins (who she also looked after) and were getting to the stage where they didn't want to go and visit at the weekend or have anything to do with her. It took 2 months before I gave up which frankly was about 7 weeks too long.
DS's relationship with her has never recoved even after 5 years.
Use proper trustworthy childcare, saving money isn't worth the hassle!
YANBU.

sparkle101 Wed 24-Apr-13 09:32:58

I know I have to count myself lucky and it all could change in the future but my mil has dd for one day a week.

I have never had any concerns about her looking after dd. She followed our (maybe overly strict) routine, gave dd her medicine and when I was ready to wean her she supported me but didn't push to do it before.

If I was looking after someone else's child I would not think just because I had dd I knew what to do better than their mum. Each child and family is different.

The main issue for me is with the medication. Dd suffered with reflux and the medicine made 1 million % difference (not a placebo effect as someone mentioned but actual physical, noticeable difference). When we may have rarely forgotten the occasional dose dd was inconsolable and in so much pain. If someone deliberately over ruled the gp and then us I wouldn't have them anywhere near my children. Dd didn't grown out of it until about 11 months and weaning off was a huge, long drawn out process, under guidance from doctors.

If I felt strongly about things either if they happened in my past or just the way I was parenting I would expect some agreement to stick to some basics (unless obviously I was being way ott - which I don't think you are).

If you can get some ground rules set and she sticks to them the relationship they gain is great but it is your son and do what's best for him.

Pinkflipflop Wed 24-Apr-13 09:33:45

Going to read the replies back over again but I'm still so wound up about this. I had a nightmare about it last night.

Part of me feels I'm going to shoot myself in the foot if I me toon anything as I will be turning my back on free childcare but then my sanity comes first.

I'm rally surprised at her being like this as we previously had a not bad relationship, although we weren't really in contact that much.

Babies expose flaws in relationships I suppose!

Maternitygold Wed 24-Apr-13 09:41:33

If there are issues now there will be more later on. Talking from experience... So better get another child care option and sort this out to make life easier.

AlbertaCampion Wed 24-Apr-13 10:35:15

Pinkflipflop something I have learned - the hard way - is that it isn't about flaws in the relationship between you & your MIL (or in my case DM). It's about the complex relationship between women and motherhood, IYSWIM.

For my mum, every difference of opinion over medication, early weaning and the like... it was like I was slapping her very hard in the face. But the slap was less to do with her relationship with me, and more to do with how she saw herself as a good/bad mother. It was almost as if all the old insecurities & anxieties of when SHE was a first-time mother came flooding back to her. So when I disagreed with her - by BF, say, instead of FF as she did - then in her head I was telling her she was a crap mum (as opposed to grandmum). Hence the battleground.

I hope that makes sense: it's difficult to explain.

Geeklover Wed 24-Apr-13 10:51:07

Alberta so well put. And absolutely spot on.
When I realised this about my ex mil it allowed me to deal with it so much better and now even though she is ex mil we have a fantastic relationship and I see her every day.

okthen Wed 24-Apr-13 14:10:17

Alberta you are exactly right, and I'd never looked at it that way before!

DontmindifIdo Wed 24-Apr-13 14:20:31

alberta - my mum was the same, she sees every different choice I make to her as a direct insult to her parenting, except she's quite vocal about it so it's really damaged our relationship, I can't be doing with feeling I have to do it her way in order to keep the peace when I think she was wrong.

That's something else you have to keep in mind to the "well DM/MIL raised 2/3/4/10 DCs and they've turned out ok" well yes, lots of people raise DCs without killing them or doing any serious long term injury, but amongst my "mummy friends" now I look at some who make different choices to me and I still think what I'm doing is better. I wouldn't say it to them, but I wouldn't do things their way just because their DCs are surviving. (and not all that bad, but things like letting DCs watch a lot of TV, letting them eat a lot more junk than I allow DS, not doing anything like arts and crafts, not reading them stories regularly etc - these things aren't going to cause massive problems or endanger DCs, but not really the best option)

Your DS will probably be OK with your MIL, but if you want and can afford better than OK, then you aren't being selfish to do that.

Oh and re the placebo comment re the medicine in the feeds, how does that work with an 11 week old baby who doesn't know they are being given this medicine?

aufaniae Wed 24-Apr-13 19:30:47

It's not about different parenting styles, it's that she doesn't respect your opinion enough to do as you ask.

She can't be trusted, and also doesn't know or care about modern safety advice (e.g. wrt early weaning). Therefore she's not a suitable child care provider for your DS.

I'm sorry, this can't be easy. But in your shoes, letting her look after my DS would not be an option. You need to find another way.

Have you tried looking at www.childcare.co.uk?

seriouscakeeater Wed 24-Apr-13 19:41:33

shock second MIL thread where I think its my MIL being discussed and shock at her blatant disregard to medication,weening,scratch mitts and anything else you have decided on!!

My Mil assumed she would be the care provider when I went back to work. She was promptly put straight.

Seriously if you can afford it (scrape every last penny!!) send your ds to a professional care provider!!

feesh Wed 24-Apr-13 19:50:18

Don't give her a trial period, it'll get messy. I think this is a pretty straightforward one really.

If his medication happens to be Omeprazole, missing a dose can really mess things up for the next few days, speaking from experience! The stomach goes into overdrive with acid production if a dose is missed and it can be quite messy!

Good luck, but you really have to grasp the nettle with this one I think.

zipzap Wed 24-Apr-13 21:46:22

You could try talking to her about how she made decisions about how to look after her dc in the early days - how she found info, did she listen to her MIL &/or Mum, research the latest and most up to date info, felt she just knew what was right for her baby etc etc.

This is not to be nice and fluffy. Oh no. It is to garner info to turn back around on her.

SO...
If she wanted the most up to date info - then say why, when you want exactly the same thing, is she denying the same thing to her dgc - the current most up to date info. And find out exactly how things had moved on since her mother had her and then when she had her dc. Point out that for some of your friends (even if they are just other Mnetters from posts made on here!) have said that advice has changed between their first and most recent dc in the last 2/3/4/5/etc years, things do move on quite a lot as there is a constant flow of babies and people watching to see what can be improved or thinking of new ways of doing stuff or new gadgets or new research. It's not just doing things differently from her - point out that more than likely you will be doing things differently with any future babies too! ie it's not personal.

If she listened to her MIL/mum then does she really want her dgc being brought up with methods that are now 2 generations old (and what - 40-80 years old? depending on how old you both are!) when things have moved on so much in the mean time. Oh and is she going to stop taking any medicine that has been developed in the last 40-80 years as she seems to want to deny that to your dc.

if she felt she knew what she was doing - then why can't she understand that you too feel you know what is best for your dc - others respected her right to do that when she had her dc and now it is her turn to show you that respect too.

etc - figure out all possible different combinations so you have an answer to swing it round to work for you in the conversation. Do this before the conversation though, so you don't get trapped without an answer for the main points whilst talking to her!

And still don't let her do regular childcare, sounds like she is much too set in her ways, she needs to prove that she will listen to your wishes before she can do that. This is merely a starting point in that journey, also to try to show that you are an equal and not to treat you like a little girl.

Mamacj Wed 24-Apr-13 21:55:58

Write her a letter- try to make it work- you will need her at some point as nurseries will send them home with some illnesses. I have a ds and will be a mil. My mil really annoys me but I try to treat her how I would want to be treated

ProphetOfDoom Wed 24-Apr-13 21:58:27

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Bobyan Wed 24-Apr-13 22:26:41

CautionaryWhale - "The medicine would depend entirely if it has to be taken every feed or a specific time or if it is proven to be an essential/has conclusive benefits rather than a placebo/give it a try prescription."

Do you really think that doctors write " give it a try prescriptions" for 11 week old babies if there is no actual issue? Or that the OP would just dish out some drugs to her DS if it wasn't essential?
And how the hell would a placebo work on a young baby? The whole idea of a placebo is that the person taking it responds psychologically to their condition. I'm pretty sure that OP's DS isn't imagining his reflux angry.

Stay strong OP, if your Mil won't respect your wishes, when looking after your DS she's the wrong choice for childcare.

Hissy Wed 24-Apr-13 22:27:54

Noooooooooo!

Don't write a letter! It'll give her ammunition to use against you! And it's like negotiations.

Take the decision NOT to use her, and you can revisit that situation IF the circumstances permit it.

For now though? Childminder/nursery! You need to focus on getting back to work, not worrying about what will happen to your baby while he's not with you.

DontSHOUTTTTTT Wed 24-Apr-13 22:59:14

Don't write a letter, don't give her a 'probationary' period, don't try talking to her ..... just DON'T use her for free childcare. You will never be happy with how she looks after your DS and it is unfair of you to put her in a situation where she will definitely fail.

CautionaryWhale Wed 24-Apr-13 23:28:05

A BMJ paper published in 2007 reviewing treatment of colic examined the evidence :

"One poor-quality randomised controlled trial (RCT) found limited evidence that simethicone reduced the number of crying attacks on days 4–7 of treatment compared with placebo."

By poor quality the BMJ clarify that there were only 26 infants aged 1-12 weeks in the study and no reported details on how cases of colic were defined.

Oh that's disappointing. But surely GP's and all these other health professionals aren't suggesting or prescribing infacol on the basis of a "poor quality" small study of 26 babies? A study that doesn't define nor claim to ease colic, but refers to "crying attacks" which could potentially have any cause or be of any frequency?

The BMJ discuss two other trials that do define colic, perhaps these are more compelling.

First is a double-blind, crossover of 83 infants aged 2–8 weeks, comparing 0.3 mL of simethicone versus placebo for a week before feeds.

"It found no significant difference in colic (using the standard colic definition), when rated by carers, between simethicone and placebo (28% improved with simethicone v 37% with placebo v 20% with simethicone plus placebo.)"

So a study three times the size of the first, found Infacol was actually 9% LESS effective than a placebo at helping colic?

Let's try again.

The second study (double-blind, crossover trial, 27 infants aged 2–8 weeks) found no significant difference between simethicone and placebo (10 drops before meals, duration of treatment 24 hours) in improvement as rated by parental interview, 24-hour diary, or behavioural observation.

In fact the BMJ conclude:

"Further trials are not considered to be of clinical importance and are unlikely to be undertaken. According to the available evidence, there is no reason to use simethicone in the treatment of infantile colic."

Yet the NHS website states:

"This medicine helps relieve griping pains and colic in babies and infants which may be caused by swallowing air."

Does it NHS? Says who? Infacol themselves with their "clinically proven" claims? The BMJ disagrees!

What about reasons not to?

Let's look at the other ingredients in Infacol besides Simethicone.

Purified Water
Hypromellose
Orange Flavour
Saccharin Sodium
Methyl Hydroxybenzoate (E218)
Propyl Hydroxybenzoate (E216)

Obviously these ingredients have been approved for use in this product, but when weighing up whether to use or take a medicine, we typically consider the benefits that can be obtained, versus any risks or downsides.

The literature surrounding infacol states that Simethicone is not absorbed into the body and thus is unlikely to cause harm (although some parents do report perceived side effects and some more here), but some do warn that Methyl and propyl hydroxybenzoates (E218, E216) may cause allergic reactions (possibly delayed)

Furthermore E216 and E218 are parabens considered controversial by some and even taking this out of the equation, has anyone considered the potential the impact to the baby's gut flora of putting a product containing fungicide, combined combined with artificial sweetener and a dollop of orange flavour in his digestive system several times per day for weeks at a time?

All for something that evidence suggests doesn't work?

What's also interesting is that there is a mounting body of evidence that probiotics may be an effective tool in reducing infant crying, including a trial that directly compared them to Simethicone:

"Eighty-three infants completed the trial: 41 in the probiotic group and 42 in the simethicone group. The infants were similar regarding gestational age, birth weight, gender, and crying time at baseline.
On day 28, 39 patients (95%) were responders in the probiotic group and 3 patients (7%) were responders in the simethicone group.

And it's not an isolated study,two more studies highlight effectiveness of probiotics for colic.

So why then aren't GP's, health visitors and midwives prescribing and recommending them instead of something seemingly no more effective than a placebo?

Taken from a blogger who imho raises good points. I am not expecting you all to agree but we can agree to disagree without the angry

Bobyan I have no idea what medicine the OP has been prescribed.
She hasn't said nor has she confirmed what her baby has. Not my business. I used the word placebo badly as I did not mean placebo effect on baby rather than the effect on parents. Do I feel relieved/better if I give my child Calpol for a fever? Short answer yes - it feels like I am doing something - even though there is a train of thought that we should let fevers run as the body's natural defence mechanism.
Ditto for cough medecine use.

I am not saying colic is imagined thank you very much - as stated my DC1 had it - I am saying that there are alternatives to simethicone.

I do not think GPs hand out medication like sweets - far from it particularly when it obviously won't help eg antibiotics for a virus.
I am saying however that sometimes medicine is prescribed that is ineffective eg simethicone based medicine.

There are also alternatives to standard prescriptions eg breast milk will naturally sort sticky eye rather than fucithalmic acid.

IneedAsockamnesty Wed 24-Apr-13 23:39:13

It's my understanding that infacol is not often used these days for reflux

BelleEtLaBaby Wed 24-Apr-13 23:57:35

Ok, the free childcare thing. It's easy to think, oh I can't turn my back on free childcare.

So, pretend for a sec we're not talking about your mil, but that I've gifted you a free day a week with a childminder. Who refuses to give medication as you requested, attempts to feed biscuits to an 11 week old baby, sends them back to you scratched despite you explicitly telling her how to avoid this, and chucks them out the front for a nap. Said childminder justifies this by claiming never to have harmed the 2 other children they'd practised on.

Would you take the free childcare then?

I can't even begin to tell you how important it is for your sanity that you trust the person charged with your child, while you work, to follow your wishes. It really is hard enough leaving them at first even if you do trust them. Please do get your dp onside here - it is hard to avoid hurting her feelings here, but your relationship will quickly deteriorate if you are stressing all day thinking she is going against your wishes, then you could end up arguing regularly and seriously falling out. Tricky situation though, and I sympathise.

Bobyan Thu 25-Apr-13 00:25:47

Cautionarywhale maybe you should just read the thread.
The OP hasn't said her DS has colic, so how about you start your own thread about whatever issues / agenda you have about infacols active / non-active ingredients.
angry

YouDontWinFriendsWithSalad Thu 25-Apr-13 00:59:47

Step away from the thread, CautionaryWhale confused.

CautionaryWhale Thu 25-Apr-13 01:45:35

You are correct Bobyan - the OP said the medication was anti reflux not colic. But I have no agenda thank you. Apologies if you think I was derailing but you questioned specifically about my use of word placebo and doctors handing out prescriptions. I answered in reply to that - that is all. Still do not understand your angry - this is a debating forum after all and you think the OP should stay strong: that is your opinion. I think the MIL is being demonised somewhat: that is mine. We don't have to agree. This is AIBU not chat or relationships. I have not been unsympathetic to the OP - merely pointing out her issues with the MIL are not the worst I've ever heard. But I am clearly in the minority am the minority wink and that's fine too.
*YouDontWinFriends' Am already backing away slowly confused

My DD was given Gaviscon for reflux... It had to go in EVERY bottle or the vast major of what went in would come back out, at high velocity, and would STILL be coming out when the next feed was due.

If anyone had suggested stopping it that early I would have freaked - my DD puked milk feeds and runny stuff up constantly for ten months.

We tried all sorts, including Ranitidine (made her MORE sick!), and only Gaviscon reduced the puke.

And I constantly had people telling me 'all babies are sick' until they'd been on the receiving end of flying hot and wet and then they shut up.

I would not leave my DD with someone who does not respect me and my role as her mum. What I (and DH) say goes, end of.

Thumbwitch Thu 25-Apr-13 01:56:51

Bottom line - she doesn't respect your wishes, therefore she doesn't get to do childcare. And your wishes are quite reasonable - give him the prescribed medication (not some OTC prep that you felt he might need, PRESCRIBED);
don't leave him outside the front of the house unattended (People still think that's ok, really?!); stop him from scratching himself to bits by putting mitts on; don't feed him solids yet, he's not ready...

I mean seriously, these are quite big things now when he's only 11wo. Imagine a few months down the line, maybe a year - she decides that his hair needs cutting and gets it done "as a nice surprise" for you.

Save yourself the heartache and the almost inevitable fall-out that will occur, and all the arguments that will happen between you and your DH because he refuses to go against his mother - get paid child-care.

As an aside - my DH also thinks his mother can do no wrong, raised 2 sons, blah blah. He thought that right up to the point where she nearly drowned both herself and DS1 by taking him swimming in the lake aged 3, when he couldn't swim at all, and she lost her footing. DH was, thankfully, fishing at the time and noticed that she was underwater, holding DS1 above the waterline (which wouldn't have lasted much longer) and he jumped in and saved them both. I'd said several times that I didn't want DS1 going "swimming" in the lake until he was older and more capable - nearly lost him that day through their pigheadedness.

joanofarchitrave Thu 25-Apr-13 02:11:52

I agree with the bulk of the thread.

On another tack, what did your husband do when his mother advised him not to put the medication in the bottle?

Jux Thu 25-Apr-13 11:36:32

My MIL was like this. Ignored medication prescribed by the doc, threw home cooked food away in preference to jars when dd was being weaned, put her on a feeding schedule when dd was fed on demand etc etc etc. it seemed that everything I said, she did the opposite.

DH would only allow family to babysit, which meant my mum or MIL. It was a nightmare. i hated every minute that MIL babysat. I'd get home from work to a screaming baby, who hadn't been fed (I only fed her a few hours ago! She's NOT ON A 4 HOUR SCHEDULE you stupid woman ), nor had dd been changed, she wouldn't have had medication when required etc etc etc.

Get proper childcare. DH and I nearly divorced over MIL's crap babysitting.

MiaowTheCat Thu 25-Apr-13 13:38:20

You have two choices really:

You either read the riot act that she will NOT be having your child if she continues to behave this way (will get you flack from MIL and hubby)

or

You find some other source of childcare where you can call the shots by virtue of having them by the short and wallets (will get you flack from MIL and hubby)

Either sucks really but letting the current situation continue isn't an option - she's going to bulldoze her way through your child's entire childhood and you'll feel like shit as she does it and be worried all the time you're at work. That's really not a good long-term state of affairs to live in.

I have a bit of a steamroller MIL - she's bulldozed her way through the first year of DD1's life and it's been awful - dreading family visits and being unable to sleep, sitting in the same room as her feeling so angry and resentful, her bodily shoving me out of the way to get to the baby... and because it was allowed to run on, until she crossed a couple of lines of utter unacceptability in my eyes, eventually it led to the row to end all rows between me and hubby (she decided to show up uninvited on the day I was discharged from hospital with DD2 and bully hubby into letting her see the baby - we'd asked for a week or so's breathing space before granzilla arrived and undermined all my confidence - but she suddenly was "just in the neighbourhood" that must be a good 14 hours plus driving time from her house... that, plus blaming me for the fact I don't go full-term with pregnancies, was the catalyst for it all to blow up - but the resentment had been grumbling because it WASN'T nipped in the bud, and because hubby had the view I wasn't allowed to criticise his mother at all and it wasn't pretty).

DontmindifIdo Thu 25-Apr-13 13:41:44

CautionaryWhale - I get what you are trying to say, but while if you are the parent weighing up if you want to give your DC something that's been prescribed by their Doctor, if you are not the parent of said child, it's none of your damn business to make this choice! Especially as, not being the parent, you have no right to access any of the information that has led to this child being prescribed this medicine.

It doesn't matter if the MIL wouldn't chose to give this medicine to her DCs, this isn't her DC. It's the OP's and her son's DC.

Your post suggests you think the MIL is right to put her own judgement about if a child should be given medicine above that of the parents of the child. Anyone who thinks their views on childrearing should trump that of the parents and medicial professionals is not someone who should ever be left in charge of other people's children - regardless of if they are a paid professional or a grandparent/other extended relation.

BerylStreep Thu 25-Apr-13 17:19:29

When do you plan to go back to work? Is this a decision you need to make immediately. If not, you could sow some seeds of doubt - 'Oh, I haven't decided yet what we are going to do'…

If you are taking a full year, don't spend the whole time worrying about it. And don't use MIL for ad hoc care in the meantime.

If she stands over you while you are feeding, excuse yourself to another (private) room.

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